THE BIG BANG THEORY

"Untitled Episode"

written by
Tim Aucoin

778-877-1899
taucoin@gmail.com

The Big Bang Theory

1.

COLD OPENING
FADE IN:
INT. PHYSICS DEPARTMENT - DAY (DAY 1)
(SHELDON, LEONARD, WOLOWITZ, KOOTHRAPPALI, EXTRAS)
SHELDON, LEONARD AND WOLOWITZ EAT LUNCH AT THEIR TABLE.
WOLOWITZ FINISHES TELLING AN EMOTIONAL STORY.
WOLOWITZ
And ever since, I haven’t attended any
social event that includes dancing.
KOOTHRAPPALI ENTERS AND SITS WITH THEM. HE’S READING
SOMETHING ON HIS IPHONE.
KOOTHRAPPALI
Hey, dudes. What’s the haps?
SHELDON
Howard is regaling us with another
fascinating tale from his disturbing
childhood.
WOLOWITZ SHUDDERS.
KOOTHRAPPALI
Nice. Did you guys hear about the new
YouTube contest?
LEONARD
Where you make a video of the most
creative way to get hit in the nads?

The Big Bang Theory

2.

SHELDON
When I was six, I made a Rube Goldberg
apparatus that did exactly the same
thing.
KOOTHRAPPALI
No, dudes. You make a sixty-second
short of your fav Sci-fi film. Winner
gets an all-access pass to Comi-Con!
EVERYONE GASPS IN EXCITEMENT. SHELDON’S FACE TWITCHES.
KOOTHRAPPALI (CONT’D)
And a private screening of the next
Star Trek film...
SHELDON ALMOST JUMPS OUT OF HIS SEAT.
LEONARD
Easy there, Sheldon. Did you forget
your nine A.M. bowel movement again?
WOLOWITZ
I hope not. That was a bad day.
KOOTHRAPPALI
And last but not least...
KOOTHRAPPALI PAUSES FOR DRAMATIC AFFECT. SHELDON CAN HARDLY
TAKE THE SUSPENSE.
WOLOWITZ
Hurry, Raj. Sheldon’s about to have a
nerdgasm.
KOOTHRAPPALI
Leonard Nimoy will be in attendance!
SHELDON ALMOST FAINTS.

The Big Bang Theory

3.

LEONARD
Awesome. We should enter.
SHELDON
(REGAINED COMPOSURE) Agreed. I vote we
do Khan.
LEONARD
(SHAKES HEAD) Empire Strikes Back.
SHELDON
(STILL EYEBALLING LEONARD) Khan!
WOLOWITZ
I vote Empire.
LEONARD
Raj? Wanna be the deciding factor.
SHELDON SHOOTS KOOTHRAPPALI A FIERCE LOOK. HE DOESN’T FLINCH.
KOOTHRAPPALI
Empire all the way.
SHELDON
(HITS TABLE) KHAN!
A NEARBY TABLE OF STRANGERS LOOKS AT SHELDON.
WOLOWITZ
(QUIETLY TO TABLE) Forgot to take his
tourettes medicine.
SHELDON
Amy’s father is a cinematographer.
LEONARD
And?

The Big Bang Theory

4.

SHELDON
And, Leonard, if we do Empire you will
be shooting it on equipment akin to a
small child using a View-Master to
record his pet goldfish. If we do Khan
I can get us access to... (MAKES QUOTE
SING) “totally awesome” equipment. He
has an Arriflex D-21. We could shoot
in high definition.
WOLOWITZ
A hi-def Uhura? Me likey.
KOOTHRAPPALI
Aye, captain.
SHELDON
Ok then, anyone that wants to do
Empire say “Nay”.
LEONARD
Nay.
SHELDON
Anyone that wants to do my Khan, say
“Yay”.
WOLOWITZ/KOOTHRAPPALI
Yay!
SHELDON
(GETTING UP) Excellent.
LEONARD
Where are you going?

The Big Bang Theory

5.

SHELDON
I must go home to start preproduction. We need a script, set up
auditions, locations, sets, costumes,
craft services. I’ll be producing and
directing. Of course.
LEONARD/WOLOWITZ/KOOTHRAPPALI
(FLATLY) Of course.
SHELDON
Ok “crew”. I will e-mail you the
production schedule as soon as it’s
typed up. We begin shooting in two
days. (TURNS TO GO) This is so
exciting!
SHELDON EXITS. THE REST OF THE GUYS LOOK LIKE THEY ALREADY
REGRET THIS UNDERTAKING.
LEONARD/WOLOWITZ/KOOTHRAPPALI
Yay.
AND ON THEIR UNENTHUSIASTIC EXPRESSIONS WE:
CUT TO:
MAIN TITLES

The Big Bang Theory

6.

ACT ONE
SCENE A
FADE IN:
INT. SHELDON AND LEONARD’S APARTMENT - DAY (DAY 2)
(SHELDON, LEONARD, WOLOWITZ, KOOTHRAPPALI, AMY, PENNY)
SHELDON USES HIS WHITE BOARD FOR PRODUCTION NOTES. EVERYONE
LISTENS AS HE JABBERS ON.
SHELDON
So, Amy, you’ve confirmed the
equipment?
AMY
Yes, but father will need it back
soon. He’s doing an insect documentary
on the water boatmen. Did you know, at
only two millimeters long, it’s the
loudest animal in the world for its
size?
SHELDON
Fascinating. I shall like to see that.
(TO LEONARD) So, Leonard, you’ll
handle craft services. Raj, you’ll be
helping Amy with set dec and design.
And Howard, you’re casting director.

The Big Bang Theory

7.

WOLOWITZ
(SMILES SLEAZILY AS HE RUBS HIS HANDS
TOGETHER) Yes! Now I just need a
leather couch.
SHELDON
On second thought. Leonard, you’re
casting director. Howard, craft
services.
LEONARD LOOKS PLEASED. HOWARD, NOT SO MUCH.
SHELDON (CONT’D)
And Howard, don’t forget. (LEANS IN TO
WHISPER) Ixnay on the airyday. I’d
like to keep the set, pollutant free.
LEONARD HEARS THIS LOUD AND CLEAR.
LEONARD
Bite me, Sheldon.
PENNY ENTERS, EXCITED AND CARRYING A NEWSPAPER.
PENNY
Hiya, guys!
AMY
Hey, bestie!
PENNY
Hey, Amy. Guess what?
SHELDON
Penny, we’re in the middle of-PENNY
Bo-ring! I have big news!

The Big Bang Theory

8.

AMY
Cover Girl finally made you a spokes
model?
LEONARD
There’s another BOGO sale at Shoes For
Less?
WOLOWITZ
Smirnoff came out with cotton-candy
flavoured vodka?
PENNY
No. Geez. My horoscope told me great
things are about to happen. Listen.
(READS FROM PAPER) “You’re biggest
dreams are about to come true. You
will be surrounded by many stars.”
NO ONE UNDERSTANDS.
PENNY (CONT’D)
Stars. Get it?
SHELDON
Is an important celestial event about
to occur? The birth of another nebula
perhaps? I’ve always wanted to
discover my own star.
PENNY
No, Sheldon. Acting! My big acting
break is coming. I just know it.

The Big Bang Theory

9.

SHELDON
Horoscopes. Preposterous nonsense. A
new nebula being born in my sock
drawer is more plausible than some
frivolous prediction spouted in the
local gossip rag.
LEONARD
What will you do?
SHELDON
If I discovered a star? I’d name it:
SHELDORION.
LEONARD
I was talking to Penny.
SHELDON
Ah.
PENNY
I’ve already started looking for gigs.
SHELDON
(TO AMY) “Gig” is actor speak for job.
AMY
(TO PENNY) How long have you been
looking?
PENNY
Oh, about (LOOKS AT WATCH) twenty
minutes.

The Big Bang Theory

10.

AMY
And no ones called you back with a
face as photogenic as that? Hollywood
IS crazy.
PENNY
I haven’t actually applied to anything
yet, Amy.
LEONARD
We’re making a short for a YouTube
contest. Wanna be in it?
PENNY
Totally!
SHELDON
Excuse me? Without an audition?
LEONARD
You made me casting director.
SHELDON
This is so unprofessional!
LEONARD
The decision is final. (TO PENNY) And
who knows. This could be your big
break.
PENNY JUMPS WITH GLEE.
PENNY
Oh, thank you Leonard!
SHE HUGS LEONARD AND KISSES HIM ON THE CHEEK.
PENNY EXITS. SHELDON’S NOT HAPPY WITH LEONARD, WHO SMILES
LIKE A DORK.

The Big Bang Theory

11.

LEONARD
(SHRUGS) That’s the “biz.”
AND WE:
CUT TO: