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(Scene: An interview room.

)
Interviewer (John Cleese): You know I really enjoy
interviewing applicants for this management training course.
[snap back into scene] Good morning.
Stig: Good morning.
Interviewer: Good morning.
Stig: Good morning.
Interviewer: (writes) Tell me why did you say 'good morning'
when you know perfectly well that it's afternoon?
Stig: Ah, good afternoon.
Interviewer: Oh dear. (writes again) Good evening.
Stig: Goodbye?
Interviewer: Ha, ha. No. (rings small hand-bell) Goodnight,
ding-ding-ding-ding-ding.
Stig: Oh dear, I don't think I'm doing very well.
Interviewer: Why do you say that?
Stig: Well. I, I, I, I don't know.
Interviewer: Five, four, three, two, one, zero! Right! (makes
face and strange noise,)
Stig: I'm sorry, I'm confused.
Interviewer: Well why do you think I did that then?
Stig: Well I don't know.
Interviewer: Aren't you curious?
Stig: Well yes.
Interviewer: Well, why didn't you ask me?
Stig: Well...I...er...

Interviewer: Name?
Stig: What?
Interviewer: Your name man, your name!
Stig: Um, er David.
Interviewer: David. Sure?
Stig: Oh yes.
Interviewer: (writing) David Shaw.
Stig: No, no Thomas.
Interviewer: Thomas Shaw?
Stig: No, no, David Thomas.
Interviewer: (long look, rings bell) Goodnight. Ding-dingding-ding-ding- ding-ding-ding.
Stig: Oh dear we're back to that again. I don't know what to
do when you do that.
Interviewer: Well do something, five, four, three, two, one . . .
(Stig pulls face and makes noise) Good!
Stig: Good?
Interviewer: Very good - do it again. (Stig pulls face and
makes noise) Very good indeed, quite outstanding. (rings
bell) Goodnight, ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding.
(Stig very cautiously pulls face and makes noise.
Interviewer rings bell again.)
Interviewer: Very good marks.
Stig: Oh, oh well, do I get the job?
Interviewer: Er, well, I'm afraid not. I'm afraid all the
vacancies were filled several weeks ago.

(They fall about laughing.)


GENERAL: No, no this is too silly.
DINO: Whats silly?
GENERAL: No, the whole premise is silly and its very badly
written. So Im stopping it.
DINO: You cant do that!
GENERAL: Ive done it. The sketch is over.
Coconut Transition
BLACK KNIGHT: None shall pass.
ARTHUR: What?
BLACK KNIGHT: None shall pass.
ARTHUR: I have no quarrel with you, good Sir knight, but I
must cross this bridge.
BLACK KNIGHT: Then you shall die.
ARTHUR: I command you as King of the Britons to stand
aside!
BLACK KNIGHT: I move for no man.
ARTHUR: So be it!
[hah]
[parry thrust]
[ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's left arm off after a short
battle]
ARTHUR: Now stand aside, worthy adversary.

BLACK KNIGHT: 'Tis but a scratch.


ARTHUR: A scratch? Your arm's off!
BLACK KNIGHT: No, it isn't.
ARTHUR: Well, what's that then?
BLACK KNIGHT: I've had worse.
ARTHUR: You liar!
BLACK KNIGHT: Come on you pansy!
[hah]
[parry thrust]
[ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's right arm off]
ARTHUR: Victory is mine! [kneeling] We thank thee Lord, that
in thy merc[Black Knight kicks Arthur in the head while he is praying]
BLACK KNIGHT: Come on then.
ARTHUR: What?
BLACK KNIGHT: Have at you!
ARTHUR: You are indeed brave, Sir knight, but the fight is
mine.
BLACK KNIGHT: Oh, had enough, eh?
ARTHUR: Look, you stupid bastard, you've got no arms left.
BLACK KNIGHT: Yes I have.
ARTHUR: Look!

BLACK KNIGHT: Just a flesh wound.


[Headbutts Arthur in the chest]
ARTHUR: Look, stop that.
BLACK KNIGHT: Chicken! Chicken!
ARTHUR: Look, I'll have your leg. Right! [whop]
BLACK KNIGHT: Right, I'll do you for that!
ARTHUR: You'll what?
BLACK KNIGHT: Come 'ere!
ARTHUR: What are you going to do, bleed on me?
BLACK KNIGHT: I'm invincible!
ARTHUR: You're a loony.
BLACK KNIGHT: The Black Knight always triumphs! Have at
you! Come on then.
[whop]
[ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's other leg off]
BLACK KNIGHT: All right; we'll call it a draw
ARTHUR: Come, Patsy. (leaves)
BLACK KNIGHT: Oh, oh, I see, running away, 'eh? ... You
yellow bastards! Come back here and take what's coming to
you.... I'll bite your legs off!
BEAT
Ah well, all in a days work.
(a customer walks in the door.)

Customer (John Cleese): Good Morning.


Owner (Michael Palin): Good morning, What can I do for you,
Sir?
C: Well, I was, uh, sitting in the public library on Thurmon
Street just now, skimming through 'Rogue Herrys' by Hugh
Walpole, and I suddenly came over all peckish.
O: Peckish, sir?
C: Esuriant.
O: Eh?
C: 'Ee I were all 'ungry-like!
O: Ah, hungry!
C: In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, 'a little fermented
curd will do the trick', so, I curtailed my Walpoling activites,
sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to
negotiate the vending of some cheesy comestibles!
O: Come again?
C: I want to buy some cheese.
O: (lustily) Certainly, sir. What would you like?
C: Well, eh, how about a little Red Leicester.
O: I'm, a-fraid we're fresh out of Red Leicester, sir.
C: Oh, never mind, how are you on Tilsit?
O: I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the week, sir,
we get it fresh on Monday.
C: Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, four ounces of
Caerphilly, if you please.

O: Ah! It's beeeen on order, sir, for two weeks. Was


expecting it this morning.
C: 'T's Not my lucky day, is it? Aah, Bel Paese?
O: Sorry, sir.
C: Red Windsor?
O: Normally, sir, yes. Today the van broke down.
C: Ah. Stilton?
O: Sorry.
C: Any Norwegian Jarlsberger, per chance?
O: No.
C: Double Gloucester?
O: (pause) No.
C: Brie, Roquefort, Pont-l'Eveque, Port Salut, Savoyard, SaintPaulin, Carre-de-L'Est, Boursin, Bresse Bleu, Perle de
Champagne?
O: No.
C: Camembert, perhaps?
O: Ah! We have Camembert, yessir.
C: (suprised) You do! Excellent.
O: Yessir. It's ah... it's a bit runny.
C: Oh, I like it runny.
O: Well,.. It's very runny, actually, sir.

C: No matter. Fetch hither the fromage de la Belle France!


Mmmwah!
O: I...think it's a bit runnier than you'll like it, sir.
C: I don't care how fucking runny it is. Hand it over with all
speed.
O: Oooooooooohhh........! (pause)
C: What now?
O: The cat's eaten it.
C: (pause) Has he?
O: She, sir.
(pause)
C: Gouda?
O: No.
C: Smoked Austrian?
O: No.
C: Japanese Sage Darby?
O: No sir.
C: You... do have some cheese, don't you?
O: (brightly) Of course, sir. It's a cheese shop, sir. We've gotC: No no... don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.
O: Fair enough.
C: Uuuuuh, Wensleydale.

O: Yes?
C: Ah, well, I'll have some of that!
O: Oh! I thought you were talking to me, sir. Mister
Wensleydale, that's my name.
(pause)
C: Greek Feta?
O: Uh, not as such.
C: Czech sheep's milk?
O: No
C: Venezuelan Beaver Cheese?
O: Not -today-, sir, no.
(pause)
C: Aah, how about Cheddar?
O: Well, we don't get much call for it around here, sir.
C: Not much ca--It's the single most popular cheese in the
world!
O: Not 'round here, sir.
C: (slight pause) and what IS the most popular cheese 'round
hyah?
O: 'Illchester, sir.
C: IS it.
O: It's our number one best seller, sir!
C: I see. Uuh... 'Illchester, eh?

O: Right, sir.
C: All right. Okay. 'Have you got any?' He asked, expecting
the answer 'no'.
O: I'll have a look, sir.. nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno.
C: It's not much of a cheese shop, is it?
O: Finest in the district sir!
C: (annoyed) Explain the logic underlying that conclusion,
please.
O: Well, it's so clean, sir!
C: It's certainly uncontaminated by cheese.
O: (brightly) You haven't asked me about Limburger, sir.
C: Would it be worth it?
O: Could be.
C: (slowly) Have you got any Limburger?
O: No.
C: Figures. Predictable, really I suppose. It was an act of
purest optimism to have posed the question in the first
place....... Tell me:
O: Yessir?
C: (deliberately) Have you in fact got any cheese here at all?
O: Yes,sir.
C: Really?
(pause)

O: No. Not really, sir.


C: You haven't.
O: Nosir. Not a scrap. I was deliberately wasting your time,
sir.
C: Well I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you.
O: Right-o, sir.
(The customer takes out a gun and shoots the shopkeeper)
C: What a senseless waste of human life.