The Heckler’s Prospectus

Or, Suggestions For Amplified Verbal Assaults

By Rick Paulas

Table of Contents Arizona Diamondbacks……………………………………………………………… 3 Atlanta Braves………………………………………………………………………..….6 Baltimore Orioles……………………………………………………………….………9 Boston Red Sox………………………………………………………………….……..12 Chicago Cubs…………………………………………………………………….…….15 Chicago White Sox……………………………………………………………….…....18 Cincinnati Reds………………………………………………………………………..21 Cleveland Indians………………………………………………………………….….23 Colorado Rockies…………………………………………………………………...…26 Detroit Tigers…………………………………………………………………….…….29 Florida Marlins………………………………………………………………….……..32 Houston Astros……………………………………………………………………...…35 Kansas City Royals……………………………………………………………………38 Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim…………………………………………………….41 Los Angeles Dodgers………………………………………………………….………44 Milwaukee Brewers…………………………………………………………….……..47 Minnesota Twins……………………………………………………………..……….49 New York Mets………………………………………………………………………...52 New York Yankees…………………………………………………………………….55 Oakland Athletics……………………………………………………………………..58 Philadelphia Phillies…………………………………………………………...……..61 Pittsburgh Pirates…………………………………………………………………..…63 St. Louis Cardinals…………………………………………………………………….66 San Diego Padres……………………………………………………………...………69 San Francisco Giants………………………………………………………………….72 Seattle Mariners…………………………………………………………………….…75 Tampa Bay Rays………………………………………………………………….……78 Texas Rangers…………………………………………………………………………81 Toronto Blue Jays…………………………………………………………………..…84 Washington Nationals………………………………………………………………..86

(To Be Used During the 2008 Season) 2

Arizona Diamondbacks
Burke, Chris – From the top prospect in the Astros organization in 2005, to a presumed role as a utility substitute this year with the Diamondbacks, it’s been a quick fall from grace for Burke, one which you should examine in a poster that includes an hilarious addendum on the bottom, as if he’s fallen so far he’s off the chart! Byrnes, Eric – Start by claiming how big of a fan you are, and how you follow all of his various radio and television shows, which deal mostly with his life off the field. Then admit that, for the life of you, even though you know Byrnes is married, you’ve never seen or heard much about this alleged wife of his. On the other hand, you sure have heard a lot about his dog Bruin. Conclude your external dialogue by hazarding an educating guess that Byrnes is fucking his dog. Drew, Stephen - Relate the fact that, when parents say that “they love all of their children equally”, really they’re just hedging their bets, reserving the right to name their favorite until one of them amounts to something. And now that Drewʹs brother J.D. won a World Championship last year, you can imagine which ring theyʹre throwing their hat into. Haren, Dan - Admit that while you might not have your finger on the pulse of baseball, one thing youʹve been hearinʹ is that Dan Haren is overrated. When he asks who you heard this from, point to your friend and run away. Hudson, Orlando – After his team had clinched a playoff spot last year, O-Dog got a boo-boo on his thumb. One that was so bad that, after getting some advice from his agent, he elected to have season-ending surgery instead of gutting it out and trying to help his team in the post-season. As such, renting out a booth in center field to display an empty jar which you’ve marked “Orlando Hudson’s Loyalty & Determination” should suffice. Jackson, Conor – His father, actor John M. Jackson, is most famous for his role as Rear Admiral A.J. Chegwidden on the hit CBS show JAG, a title you should always refer to with an added suffix of “-off”. Also, find out exactly what a “Rear Admiral” does, besides of course being a master of All Things Anal. Johnson, Randy - When you show up during the first few games dressed as a


dove, the bird of peace the Big Unit killed with a fastball a few years back, heʹs not going to react much. By the 5th game, heʹll notice you and smile in recognition. By the 48th game, the realization of killing such a wondrous creature will finally get to him and heʹll retire from the game forever. If he makes it 48 games this year. Lyon, Brandon – Four year ago, Brandon and Sara Lyon welcomed their firstborn son Isaac into their lives. And, while you’re no Biblical scholar, you do seem to recall a passage in the Old Testament about some bearded guy who also had a wife named Sara(h) and a son named Isaac. Except, in this case, the fella took young Isaac up to the top of a mountain and tried to kill him, you know, since God demanded it and all. Luckily, just before he finished the deed, an angel came down from heaven and told guy -- was it Abraham? -- that God was just bullshitting around again. Wonder aloud if God still has the self-restraint not to let another husband-of-Sara kill their son Isaac. Or maybe His bloodlust has finally become insatiable. Owings, Micah - Known best as a pitcher with an alarmingly high batting average -- his .333 average is fourth best all time for pitchers with over 50 at-bats -- state that he better not stop getting hits while heʹs on the mound, you know, since heʹs such a horrible, horrible pitcher. Peña, Tony – Admit that, while you would usually heckle him, you’re not even sure which Tony Peña he is. According to census reports, there are literally 437,482 of them in America. And that’s not countinʹ the illegals. Petit, Yusmeiro – Hint that you have first-hand knowledge that the only thing “petit” about Yusmeiro is the amount of genitals he received on his body as a result of an unlucky combination of his maternal and paternal genetic makeup. On second thought, better make that at least second-hand knowledge. Reynolds, Mark – Reynolds is known throughout certain dorky circles of baseball as bearing a striking resemblance to Star Wars hero Luke Skywalker. Not because of how he looks, but because he also wants to fuck his sister. And his dad’s kind of a prick. Snyder, Chris – Usable information on Snyder is scarce, meaning it’s time to take a break from negativity. Use this time to close your eyes, massage your vocal chords with some warm tea, and practice your favorite deep-breathing exercises. After the rest, slowly warm back up your heckling muscles by calling Snyder an 4

asshole. Tracy, Chad – Observe that they must have his names turned around, you know, since he acts like a girl and all. Make sure to follow the heckle by apologizing to all females around you, stating that just because you’ve used their gender as a derogatory term doesn’t mean you disrespect them or feel they are inferior in any way. It’s just that, in the society we live in, attacking another male’s manhood by comparing him to a female is the most effective way of mentally assaulting them. While offering this explanation, protect your genitals with both hands. Upton, Justin - Admit that you sure wouldnʹt be able to handle the pressure associated with being the first overall draft choice in 2005. In fact, you canʹt see how anyone can. Spend the final 7 innings delivering a soaring rendition of Billy Joelʹs ʺPressureʺ, substituting ʺdo-do-do-do-do-do-do-doʺ for the piano parts. Webb, Brandon – Last year, he had only three straight complete game shutouts. Pussy. Young, Chris – As a self-proclaimed White Sox fan, the author of this entry has vowed never to acknowledge the existence of the young power-hitting, superfast, soon-to-be superstar centerfielder. If you had an ounce of appreciation in your soul for the heckles you’ve previously read, you’d do the same.


Atlanta Braves
Diaz, Matt - Last year, Diaz was issued corrective lenses after doctors found out that his depth perception was ʺvirtually non-existentʺ. With that in mind, reprinted below for your heckling ease, the lyrics to the theme song of one of SNLʹs most poorly used recurring characters: ʺIs it far, far away, or just close by It all looks the same, when seen from the eye of the guy they call Mr. No-Depth Perception. He canʹt explain, why to his brain it all looks like a two-dimensional plane. Heʹs Mr. No-Depth Perception.ʺ Escobar, Yunel - With the trade of Edgar Renteria, Escobar will take over the shortstop role all by himself, despite being in the majors less than a year. Now, youʹre no psychiatric doctor, but youʹd have to imagine that there would be an awful lot of pressure on anyone in that position. In fact, you wouldnʹt be surprised if a lot of that sweat streaming from his brow isnʹt from the heat of the sun, but instead from the sudden realization that, really, heʹs probably going to let him teammates down sooner rather than later. Francoeur, Jeff - A vocal and outspoken born-again Christian, prod him continually to tell you when exactly he hit ʺrock bottomʺ, since you know thatʹs the reason most folks become ʺborn-againʺ. When he relents and finally admits the moment, post the findings on the Internet, giving the rest of us ample ammunition for The Ultimate Heckle. Glavine, Tom - Leaving the Mets, Glavine has returned to the Braves, bringing his career full circle in what seems to be a year-long farewell tour. Of course, he hasnʹt come out and said heʹs going to retire after this year, but feel free to constantly carry signage proclaiming ʺThanks for the memoriesʺ, ʺWeʹre going to miss youʺ and ʺWeʹll always remember the important role you played in the strike. Good riddance!ʺ Hampton, Mike - Get across your complete bafflement you have that Hampton is still out there pitching, for you were positive he was already dead, or else you would have chosen him in this yearʹs Death Pool. Hudson, Tim - For the second year in a row, Hudson won the Roberto Clemente


Award, given to players who have ʺoutstanding performances on the field and in the communityʺ. What Hudson doesnʹt know is that theyʹre also given to the players most likely to die in a plane crash. Remind him about the teamʹs charter flight currently sitting on the runway, idling as it waits for its date with destiny. James, Chuck - Before the 2002 draft, James broke both of his wrists while attempting to dive off a roof into a swimming pool. Remind him of this tramatic event, and of the larger trauma: falling to the 20th round of the draft because teams were scared to gamble on a pitcher without wrists. Yell ʺCanonball!ʺ every chance you get, which will be many because baseballʹs a long game. Johnson, Kelly – Performing Woody Harrelson’s brilliant “Kelly” song from Cheers will do. Jones, Chipper - The nickname ʺchipperʺ comes from family members who felt he was a ʺchip off the old blockʺ of his father. Mull over the sentiments of the nickname out loud, wondering if Chipperʹs dad also fathered an illegitimate child with a Hooterʹs waitress back in 1998, or if that was an instance where Chipper was chipping off from a different block entirely. Jurrjens, Jair - Under no circumstances should you believe him, no matter how many times he answers your question about whether or not his real name is Jair. Kotsay, Mark - More like Mark NOT-say! (Note: When speaking, make sure to enuciate the adjusted last name, or those around you may think youʹre making a statement implying that Kotsay is a proponent of the Master Race theory.) McCann, Brian - Since high school, him and Francoeur have been best friends. They probably spent many high school nights awake, sleeping at each otherʹs houses, talking about how, one day, theyʹd be on the same major league team. And now they are! Point out that, while youʹre happy for them now, they should prepare themselves for the inevitability that one of them willeventually be traded. And then, ultimately, one of them will die before the other. Soriano, Rafael - Dressing up like Angels slugger Vlad Guerrero, the man who gave him a concussion by hitting him with a line drive in the face, should do the trick. Smoltz, John - In 2004, Smoltz wondered that if the country were to make samesex marriage legal, whether or not marrying an animal would next be allowed. 7

Show him that his worried are, indeed, grounded in reality by dressing as an animal of your choice with a wedding veil stapled to the head. Our advice: Comment on his recent divorce by dressing up as a horse and holding a sign reading ʺOur relationship is more stable than yoursʺ. Teixeria, Mark - Showcase the knowledge you learned in 5th grade English classes: ʺThat ʹiʹ comes before ʹeʹ except after ʹcʹ, unless itʹs in the last name of a player who sucksʺ. Clarify that itʹs not you making up these rules, itʹs the English language. And if he canʹt accept that, as a freedom-hating traitor, he should move elsewhere.


Baltimore Orioles
Albers, Matt - In 2006, Albers won the Texas League Pitcher of the Year Award. Since youʹre aware of the only things that come out of Texas, inquire as to which one Albers is, a steer or a queer? Báez, Danys - Another Cuban defector, dress up in your favorite Castro costume, sit in Báezʹs line of sight behind the plate, and spend the entire game sulking in silence. Every now and then, glare and point at Danys, as if suggesting heʹs yours, and thereʹs nothing he can do about it. Bradford, Chad - Known for his submarine style of pitching, lump him in with another group of people known for their submarining ability: The Nazis. Burres, Brian - Since Burres is a twin, let him know that his brother must have gotten the looks. Once this heckle befuddles him and he gives up a hit, follow it up by commenting that it looks like the twin brother got the athletic ability too. Cabrera, Daniel - Always a possessor of dominant pitching ʺstuffʺ, the one thing thatʹs kept Cabrera extremely mediocre is his inability to harness control of any kind, walking somewhere near 47 batters an inning. If he canʹt even control his arm, itʹs obvious that heʹll never be able to control his woman! For some reason, exploiting a playerʹs masculinity seems to work best when dealing with those of Dominican descent due to that whole ʺmachismoʺ thing. Gibbons, Jay - During his 7 years on the Orioles, Gibbons has played only 779 of a possible 1,134 contests. Not exactly an Iron Man in the tradition of fellow Oriole, Cal something-or-other. But let him know that you understand itʹs not all his fault heʹs been hurt so much; itʹs probably the illegal steroids and other performance-enhancing substances heʹs been taking that are to blame. Guthrie, Jeremy - A fervent member of The Church of Jesus Christ of the Latterday Saints, admit that it was probably worth 2 years of his major league career to serve a mission in Spain seeing as, according to LDS belief, heʹll be getting his own planet soon enough. Follow-up with a question about fitting a jock strap underneath his magic underwear. Hernández, Luis - Known as a ʺgreat defensive shortstopʺ throughout the league, let him know that itʹs a designation generally reserved by players who


suck at hitting, himself not being an exception. Hernández, Ramón - Great friends with Miguel Tejada, the two are godfathers to each otherʹs children. Wonder aloud if Ramón has perhaps reconsidered that decision, seeing as Tejada hasnʹt really been acting like a role model, what with all of those steroids heʹs been eating and all. Huff, Aubrey - In the offseason, during an appearance on the Bubba the Love Sponge radio show, Huff complained about Baltimore being a ʺhorseshit cityʺ. As such, itʹs best to save your voice, seeing as any heckles you throw Huffʹs way will get drowned out in the chorus of boos. Jones, Adam - The high-profile prospect that was the prize in the Erik Bedard trade with Seattle, Jones sure has a lot to live up to. If not, the Orioles organization will continue to be seen as a laughingstock, leading the franchise to eventually move out of the city under the guise of darkness, causing the citizens to finally say ʺenough is enoughʺ and begin frenzied rioting, leaving millions dead in its wake. And all that blood will be on his hands. No pressure. Loewen, Adam - A young prospect with a tremendous amount of talent, the one situation heʹll never be able to pitch out of is that his last name rhymes with ʺBlowinʺ. Use this mercilessly. Markakis, Nick - In the same way, ʺmore like Nick MarGAYkis!ʺ After delivering the phrase, be prepared for an onslaught of high-fives in your direction. Because you are awesome. Millar, Kevin - One of the only players in the majors who is not a member of the MLBPA -- he was barred from membership in the club because of crossing the picket line during the beginning of the ʹ95 season -- ask Millar how it feels that the club put a ʺNo Kevin Millars Allowedʺ sign up on its door. Also, complain about this scab thatʹs been bugging you. Mora, Melvin - In 2001, his wife gave birth to quintuplets. This means five children came out of her. At once. Comment that this explains Moraʹs strange pauses after every sentence, seeing as him home now has a built-in echo effect. Olson, Garrett - A student at California Polytechnic State University in San Luis Obispo, a university known for its highly respected engineering program, Olson left college early to pursue his baseball career, a few credits short of obtaining his 10

engineering degree. Let him know that this is a shame, obviously, since itʹs clear his future is not in baseball. Payton, Jay - From Zanesville, Ohio, Payton was an extremely bright student, graduating in the top 4% of his class. Good thing too, because his playing career should have been over for 3 years ago. Ray, Chris - Ray will most likely miss the entire 2008 season after undergoing Tommy John surgery. Because heʹs a pussy. Roberts, Brian - Another one of the Mitchell Report Boys, Roberts was busted after only using steroids once (at least thatʹs what he admitted). Let him know that while you believe him, you canʹt help but think of the dozens, nay, hundreds of other players who took steroids way more often in their careers and didnʹt have to face the public scorn that Roberts had to, just for taking it one itty-bitty time. And, in Robertsʹ case, it didnʹt even do anything. Scott, Luke - On July 28, 2006, Scott became the first rookie in Astros history to hit for the cycle, an event that included his first career home run. Draw a diagram showing how Scottʹs life peaked at that moment, illustrating itʹs all downhill from here. Sherrill, George - Named the closer of the team, let Sherrill know that since heʹs on the wrong side of 30, this will probably be his last chance to make an impact in his major league career. Of course, if you happen to catch him after heʹs already lost the position (over/under is the start of May), simply shake your head and say ʺthatʹs a shameʺ. Trachsel, Steve - Born in Oxnard, a town up the coast from Los Angeles, a city that is best known for completely sucking. Attack the city of his youth by claiming Oxnard got itʹs name because the testicle of an ox is the only item in the world thatʹs worse.


Boston Red Sox
Beckett, Josh - A fan of the San Antoinio Spurs, spend the entire game wondering how he can root for such a dirty, dirty, filthy, nasty, dirty team thatʹs full of a bunch of cheaters. Buchholz, Clay - Give him a homemade-produced DVD of his no-hitter last year, which includes the bonus feature of your directorʹs commentary, where you make it a point to mention as many times as possible that heʹs never going to be better than he was that night. Casey, Sean - In a 2007 Sports Illustrated poll, Casey won the award for ʺfriendliest player in baseballʺ, which makes you wonder, why does he feel the need to be friendly to everyone? What is he hiding? More importantly, what does he want? As a safety precaution, keep your children away from him. Crisp, Coco - Ask Crisp how it feels to be hated by his own parents since, judging by his name, thereʹs no way they liked him at all. In fact, go ahead and assume he was a mistake and ruined their lives. Delcarmen, Manny - Scream out ʺManny!ʺ as loud as you can, and when Delcarmen looks at you, let him know that you werenʹt talking to him but rather to the much cooler, much richer Manny Ramirez, which shouldnʹt be much of a surprise to Delcarmen, seeing as no one ever wants to talk to him. Drew, J.D. - Dress up in a Tony LaRussa costume (sunglasses, Cardinals hat, long hair wig, lots of alcohol) and continually question Drewʹs passion. When he tries to retort and says that he, in fact, does have passion, ask him to prove it. Conclude the heckle by bending over with your posterior facing Drew. Ellsbury, Jacoby - Let him know that, if he wants to be taken seriously and not just as a tiny cute player with some spunk, perhaps itʹs best to lose that ʺyʺ at the end of his first name. Itʹs just too darn cute. Lester, Jon - Congratulate him on making a seemingly full recovery from cancerous lymphoma. Afterwards, stress that you said ʺseeminglyʺ because those kinds of things have tendency to never fully go away. They can kind of creep back at any moment.


Lowell, Mike - In 1999, he was diagnosed with and treated for testicular cancer. While itʹs unclear if he had to lose any testicles as a result of the treatment, go ahead and assume so and begin hurling many oh-so-clever insults towards him. Lugo, Julio - Wearing a white sleeveless T-shirt and explaining to others that, in some circles, itʹs known as a ʺWIFEBEATER!!!!ʺ should get the trick done. Matsuzaka, Daisuke - Get under his skin by phonetically speaking his first name, putting an emphasis on the latter portion of it. Okajima, Hideki - Okajima has a strange pitching delivery, where he actually looks towards the ground when he lets go of the ball. Ask him how heʹs so sure that his pitch will not hit the batter in the head? Does he trust his pitching mechanics that much? Seems like quite the gamble to you. Ortiz, David - Since marrying his wife, who is a native of Wisconsin, Ortiz has been a fan of the Green Bay Packers. Spend the entire game explaining why exactly Brett Favre was overrated. Make sure to use the past tense in order to really hammer home the reality that Favre has retired. Hopefully. Papelbon, Jonathan - Seeing that Papelbon got some national fame for his silly dances during last yearʹs postseason to a Dropkick Murphys song, now is a good time to use your heckling platform as a way of promoting your view that The Departed is a horrible, horrible movie. When people disagree with you, simply let them know that their opinion is wrong, which it is. Pedroia, Dustin - The 2007 AL Rookie of the Year, go down the list of other ROYs from the past decade, names like Eric Hinske, Angel Berroa, Kaz Sasaki, and Ben Grieve. Midway through the list, wonder if the AL ROY is baseballʹs version of the ʺGrammyʹs Best New Artistʺ award, seeing as most of the winners end up being horrible. Ramirez, Manny - Known for his lackadaisical approach to baseball (the socalled ʺManny being Mannyʺ rule) blow his mind by making him aware that, one day, everyone he knows is going to die. That cold hard fact should serious him up some. Schilling, Curt - Ask him if he regrets campaigning for President Bush during the 2004 election, seeing at how the second term of his presidency has gone. When he denies regretting it, as folks in that position tend to do, ask him if he 13

has yet been tested for autism. Tavárez, Julián - A fiery personality whoʹs been on 8 teams throughout his 14year career, a journeyman resume such as that can only mean one thing: no one really likes him. Sure, they can tolerate him for a while, but when allʹs said and done, his annoying personality just isnʹt worth it. Relay this to him -- if possible, do it in Spanish to make it more personal -- and wait for the tears to stroll down his heartbroken cheek. Varitek, Jason - In 1984, Varitek was in the Little League World Series, playing a variety of positions for the team who ended up losing in the championship to the South Korean squad. In the series, Varitek went 0-for-7 with a couple of walks. Thank him for letting down our country. Jerk. Wakefield, Tim - Ask him how it feels to be the last of a dying breed of knuckleballers. When he begins to answer sincerely sucker-punch him with a question about how it felt to be left off the postseason roster for last yearʹs World Champs. Youkilis, Kevin - Given the nickname ʺThe Greek God of Walksʺ in the bestselling book Moneyball, call him a heretic and offer a Bible to consult if he wants to repent from his pagan ways. If he refuses, throw Jesus Fish at him.


Chicago Cubs
Dempster, Ryan - Known as an easy-going guy who constantly jokes around with the fans, ask him why he needs to have everyoneʹs approval so bad. When he fails to answer, assume itʹs because he didnʹt get enough love from his mother and spend the next 5-7 years patting him on the head, assuring him that everythingʹs going to be alright, now that Mamaʹs here. Conclude the heckle by abandoning him on the street after telling him heʹll never amount to anything. DeRosa, Mark - Dressing in ER scrubs and defibrillating your buddy with two empty beer cups, after first loudly yelling out the requisite ʺclear!ʺ, should work fine. Fukudome, Kosuke - Stay away from the whole ʺlast name looks like fuck youʺ nonsense -- thereʹll be plenty of frat guys in the bleachers going that route -- and instead remind Fukudome of the many, many, many family members he left back in Japan, most of which heʹll never see again. Hill, Rich - Born ʺRichard Hillʺ, continually remind Hill that his name is a homosexual manʹs paradise: an actual hill made entirely of dicks! Performing songs from ʺXanaduʺ is a nice capper. Lee, Derrek - His father, Leon Lee, is a former professional ballplayer who served as consultant during the making of the Tom Selleck classic Mr. Baseball, which was actually based on the career of Leonʹs older brother Leron Lee. All this is a roundabout way of saying you should reenact the scene of Tom Selleck at the mini-urinal. Lieber, Jon - While he throws with his right hand, he bats as a lefty. This is the sign of a fractured mind. According to most films, crazy people donʹt like it when you call them ʺcrazyʺ, usually getting defensive about such labels. Therefore, call Lieber ʺcrazyʺ. Lilly, Ted - Last year, Lilly turned the corner from being merely a mediocre pitcher to becoming an above-average-to-dominant starter. Unfortuntely, it came right after signing his big contract with the Cubs. Lilly evidenly doesnʹt understand the concept of ʺcontract yearʺ, so explain it to him. Conclude your explanation by realizing heʹs going to be 35 at the end of his current contract, so your previous spiel is basically meaningless, since no oneʹs going to take a


chance on a player that old. Too bad. Marquis, Jason - According to Wikipedia, Marquis plays acoustic guitar for the final track of Nada Surfʹs latest album, ʺLuckyʺ. Nada Surf, known best for their hit-song ʺPopularʺ in 1996, is a band that sucks. Let Jason in on this fact. Marmol, Carlos - Nicknamed ʺWild Thingʺ by Cubs fans because of the electrifying movement of his pitches, turn your heckling attention from the field and into the stands, berating the crowd for being completely unoriginal hacks, like another Carlos named Mencia. When someone suggests Mencia is hilarious, retort with a punch in the face. Marshall, Sean - Before making the major league team back in 2006, Marshall spent time with the teamʹs single-A affiliate the Lansing Lugnuts, who play in Oldsmobile Park in Lansing, Michigan. He was there until 2004, the same year General Motors discontinued producing the Oldsmobile, the line of cars for which the stadium was named. As such, don your Michael Moore costume -- a beard, an MSU hat, and 150 extra pounds -- grab a camera, and berate Marshall for causing Americaʹs economic downturn. Pie, Felix - Relate to the young outfielder that the common phrase ʺeasy as pieʺ comes from his heritage, specifically his mother, who was a slut. Ramirez, Aramis - Since youʹll need a bullhorn to deliver your taunts over the sure-to-be loud protests of PETA -- Ramirez recently admitted to raising cockfighting roosters in the Dominican Republic -- give him a visual heckle by stitching together two replica jerseys to create a fictional player named Ramirick who plays for the Chiclanta Falcubs. If PETA happens to be absent from the game, just make liberal use of the word ʺcockʺ and youʹll be fine. Soriano, Alfonso - Soriano is only the 4th player ever to be part of the 40-40 Club after Jose Canseco, Barry Bonds and Alex Rodriguez. Suggest the group change their name to the ʺJuicers and Douchers Clubʺ, since all members of the group have been accused of taking steroids and/or are big douchebags. Ask Soriano which category he fits into. Soto, Geovany - Calling him ʺGeovany So-soʺ might unnerve him a bit, but if you can find a way to compare him to ʺTotoʺ -- either the fictional little dog or the Grammy Award-winning rock band -- in a way thatʹs not too convulted, you are a better person than us. 16

Theriot, Ryan - No matter what people say, or his biography states, Theriot is from Canada, a country you should urge him to return immediately. Wood, Kerry - Remark aloud that youʹre sure this will be the year he finally puts all those injury concerns behind him and lives up to the brilliance he flashed as a budding young superstar. Heʹs past them. In fact, heʹs so past them that youʹre sure he never even thinks about the untold millions of dollars he left on the table because he couldnʹt find a way to stay healthy. Zambrano, Carlos - A fiery personality who points to the sky every time he leaves the mound, wonder aloud that if the Man Upstairs is All-Powerful and All-Knowing, then isnʹt He also responsible for all the horrors in the world, like that bunt single Zambrano gave up back in the 3rd inning. This paradox should keep him busy for awhile.


Chicago White Sox
Anderson, Brian – Tell Anderson that he’s earned his initials of “BA”. However, let Anderson know that, in this case, they don’t stand for “Bad Ass” but for “Bad At-the-plate”. Buehrle, Mark – Known for being one of the quickest pitchers in all of baseball, taking less time in between pitches than any of his counterparts, let him know that speed is not always a virtue, such as when you’re having sexual intercourse with his mother. Conclude with a hearty “Booya!” Cabrera, Orlando – Let him know that, despite the variety of defensive accolades he’s received throughout his career, you know that truth that he’s merely an average fielder. Contreras, José – Just for the heck of it, inquire as to the current state of his marriage. Crede, Joe – A direct descendent of the Renaissance painter Lorenzo di Credi, remark that his late relative’s depictions of the baby Jesus are ghastly to look at, seeing as the Child Savior was always drawn so fat. Danks, John – You can try, but whatever heckle you plan on using, you’ll just end up settling for some kind of reference to the quality of the weed you are currently smuggling in your own anus. Dotel, Octavio – Imply that he got his name from Octavia, the sister of Roman Emperor Augustus, who most likely had sex with her, since that’s a thing the Romans are known for. Dye, Jermaine – Constantly chanting “fractured fibula” in a monotone voice should be enough, but if it isn’t, bring along a plastic leg from a medical supply store that you can use to point out exactly how the fibula is, and how it will always be structurally weakened after such a horrific break. Fields, Josh – Remind him that, usually, young sluggers of his ilk are actually in the major leagues instead of toiling in Triple-A. That’s got to smart a bit.


Floyd, Gavin – Criticized throughout his career for not “going after” hitters, let him know that he’s in the right for being careful while pitching, seeing as those up to bat are generally much, much more talented that himself. Hall, Toby – Hall has been known to dye his soul patch different colors to mark a variety of occasions throughout his career. Let him know that this is cute, and that you’re happy he’s been keeping himself busy while on the bench, which is often. Jenks, Bobby – Mock his weight, call him a freak, etc. Konerko, Paul – Ask him if he regrets choosing the Sox over the Angels yet. When he shakes his head, start listing all of the incredible hot actresses currently residing in the greater Los Angeles area. Linebrink, Scott – One of the better setup men in baseball, remark that you got something he can hold, with the heavy implication that you’re speaking about your genitals. Owens, Jerry – In line for the job in center field before he got hurt, and then Carlos Quentin’s bat took over in left field, remind him of how close he was to being a star by holding your thumb and forefinger mere centimeters apart. Comfort him by suggesting to look on the bright side: He doesn’t have to feel obligated to hold onto himself in fantasy leagues anymore. Ozuna, Pablo – Don’t worry too much about him, seeing as he’s a role player who comes off the bench once a week or so, but if he does end up in the lineup on the day you’re at the game, just add “Bl-” to the front of his last name and be done with it. Pierzynski, A.J. – Calling him a cheater for his drop-third strike incident of the 2005 ALCS is old news – he didn’t cheat, anyway – so instead, make fun of his horrible wrestling promotions for TNA wrestling, something he had to settle for because he wasn’t even popular enough for WWE. Quentin, Carlos – There’s no point in even suggesting a heckle here, because we all know you’ll only get halfway through it before you’re distracted by his dreamy eyes, bulging biceps, and incredible eye at the plate. Next!


Ramírez, Alexei – Bring your second grade Spelling class to the park, and use Alexei as an example of the common grammatical rule of “i before e except if he sucks.” Richar, Danny – Comment to your friend that Richar better get on the field at some point, or else he’s definitely not going to get any richer. When finished, shoot yourself in the head for thinking up such a horrible heckle. Swisher, Nick – Ask him why exactly he looks up into the sky before every pitch. Be ready to reply to his answer by proclaiming there is no God. Thome, Jim – Dress up as your favorite Project Runway contestant – who will undoubtedly be Christian – and critique Thome’s style of wearing his socks far too high when he comes up to bat. Uribe, Juan – Don your best Jon Miller outfit and spend the next half-hour inserting all sorts of incorrect Hispanic pronunciations to his last name. Vázquez, Javier – A wine aficionado, exclaim loudly that 1972 was a great year for wine, you don’t care what the experts say. When he’s visibly angry, offer a peace offering in the form of your local grocer’s best 2 buck chuck.


Cincinnati Reds
Arroyo, Bronson - Dress up like an undead Charles Bronson and berate Arroyo for his shitty dream of becoming a rock star. Cordero, Francisco - Nicknamed ʺCocoʺ, list the many similarities he has with the other CoCo, rapper Ice Tʹs buxom swimsuit model wife. The first oneʹs for free: A great ass! Cueto, Johnny - A rookie phenom pitcher, his role model and hero growing up was Pedro Martinez. Ask him how he feels that Pedro was involved with cockfighting in the Dominican Republic. When he starts to answer, reply by putting your finger on his lips and slowly shaking your head in disappointment. Dunn, Adam - A favorite of Baseball Prospectus for his high rate of ending his at-bats via one of the Three True Outcomes (walk, strikeout or home run), let Dunn know that, no matter how his baseball career goes, there is really only One True Outcome for everyone: the cold grasp of death. Encarnación, Edwin - Remind him of how he was pulled during a game last year by manager Jerry Narron for not running out a fly ball. Every 25 seconds. Fogg, Josh - Ask him why exactly his nickname is ʺDragon Slayerʺ while using one of those very offensive and stereotypical gay voices. Freel, Ryan - Arrested twice for alcohol-related incidents in 2006, imply that the reason he plays so many different positions is simply because heʹs always wasted and doesnʹt remember where to go. After you explain this, reveal that this entire game is just one enormous intervention. González, Álex - Often mistaken for the ex-Cubs shortstop of the same name, wear your Kerry Wood replica jersey and blame him for the Bartman Incident. When he gives you a puzzled look, sell your role as a Cubs fan by doing a keg stand while reciting the 2008 pledge class of your Sigma Nu frat house. Griffey Jr., Ken - Printing and laminating one of the many articles from 2000 arguing that Griffey would be the person to break Hank Aaronʹs home run record should produce a few tears, many of them from your own tear ducts, unless your heart is made of stone.


Hairston Jr., Jerry - Another one of the Mitchell Reporters, ask Jerry to take a look out into right field to see how a good son goes about not disgracing his family name. Harang, Aaron - Relentlessly make fun of him for becoming Pedro Martinezʹs 3,000th career strikeout victim. No matter what happens, thatʹs staying on the olʹ resume of life. Hatteberg, Scott - An avid fly fisherman, wear a PETA shirt and ask him whether or not he does the whole ʺcatch and releaseʺ thing. When your shirt intimidates him into answering yes, call him a pussy. Patterson, Corey - One of those top prospects that turned out to really just be mediocre, spend the afternoon comparing him to Hermione from Harry Potter. Phillips, Brandon - Born in Raliegh, North Carolina, continually interrogate him about the whereabouts of the Lost Colony of Roanoke. Ross, David - When he was signed in 2006, Ross was used as a ʺpersonal catcherʺ for Bronson Arroyo. Funny thing is, it had absolutely nothing to do with baseball. (Zing!) Valentin, Javier - Let him know that, no matter how hard he tries, his brother Jose will always be able to out-pimp him. Mostly because of the ʹstache. Volquez, Edinson - Nicknamed ʺVoltronʺ, spend the game arguing that Mighty Morphin Power Rangers was a far superior show. When he begins to make a compelling counter-argument, just say the words ʺPink Rangerʺ, watch him spontaneously ejaculate into his pants, and wipe your hands clean, mission accomplished.


Cleveland Indians
Betancourt, Rafael - Known for being so much better than sucky closer Joe Borowski, loudly brainstorm reasons why he must have caused the team to hate him so much, seeing that they still wonʹt put him in the role. Make sure to deliver the heckle in the angry and sarcastic tone of his Ninja Turtle namesake. Blake, Casey - Whenever heʹs up to bat, perform an intricate one-man vaudevillian performance of the poem ʺCasey at the Batʺ. If all goes well, and Blake strikes out just as the Casey in the poem does, take a bow and, if the crowd demands it, give an encore. Borowski, Joe - If you look at him real quick, or have prosopagnosia, Borowski looks exactly like John Rocker. As such, repeatedly ask Borowski why he hates people of other races so much. Byrd, Paul - Byrd looks just like Frasier star Kelsey Grammer, which means you can go one of two ways: (1) be tame, dress up like Sideshow Bob and revel in your hatred of Bart Simpson by reproducing your favorite lines from the show; (2) be a bit harsher and ask if he can score you some good drugs or hookers, preferably both at the same time. Cabrera, Asdrúbal - Ask Cabrera if he has any recommendations for a good proctologist, because you have a bad case of the ʺAss Dribbleʺ yourself. Carmona, Fausto - Lie and tell Fausto you missed watching the entire 2007 baseball season because of a some kind of ailment. However, you do remember the 2006 season, when Carmona found his way into the closer role for the Indians, which didnʹt go well, if you recall correctly. Choo, Shin-Soo - Given his last name (or is it first?), Choo has an ample amount of nicknames based around locomotives. And while most of them are innocent enough, introducing the concept of a Gang-Bang Train porn is sure to get his attention, especially when you reveal youʹre referring to one without pixelated genitals! Dellucci, David - A graduate from Catholic High School, an all-male Catholic college-preparatory school in Baton Rouge, feel free to perm your hair, try on your best muscle tee, and spend the afternoon delivering A.C. Slater-esque


taunts of ʺpreppieʺ to Dellucci. Make sure to use a marker to fill in your dreamy dimples. Garko, Ryan - While at Stanford, he was a member of the Sigma Alpha Epsilon fraternity, meaning he must have participated in a number of homosexual activities during his collegiate career. Spend the afternoon guessing which ones they were. Gutiérrez, Franklin - Make sure he recognizes youʹre not say ʺGoo-tierrez!ʺ, youʹre saying ʺBoo-tierrez!ʺ Because you hate him. Hafner, Travis - Did you know Hafnerʹs nickname ʺPronkʺ is actually the name of a sexually act where, without getting too graphic, the man ejaculates into the womanʹs nose, stuffs the end of her nose with cotton balls, and covers her mouth, forcing her to blow oxygen out her nose in one explosion of sticky whiteness which, if done correctly, will emit a Pronk!-type sound? Well, it isnʹt. But Hafner doesnʹt know that. Laffey, Aaron - No words, no clever phrases, no remarks about his 88mph fastball. Just point and laffey at him. (Ba-dum-dum) Lee, Cliff - Stay away from heckling Lee. He hit Sammy Sosa in the head during ʺSosa Celebration Nightʺ a few years back, which makes him alright in our book. Find someone else to taunt. Marté, Andy - Suggest that since he has never lived up to the hype surrounding his talents, perhaps itʹs time to try a different career path, one he may be better suited for. Say, wiping down the glass after a gentlemen uses one of those personal ʺviewing boothsʺ at a truck stop porn shop. Actually, strike that. You need some skill for that or youʹll leave streaks. Martínez, Víctor - Born in Ciudad Bolivar, Venezuela, a key site for the Simon Bolivar-led struggle for independence from Spain, constantly make fun of El Libertador by changing the definite article in the phrase from male to feminine. Yeah! Eat that! Peralta, Jhonny - Before last year, Peralta opted to have LASIK eye surgery after suffering from vision problems. Make sure to let him know that, since this is such a new procedure, long-term tests on patients whoʹve had LASIK are still inconclusive. In fact, anything could happen to those that have had it. And that 24

anything includes their eyeballs exploding at any moment. Sabathia, C.C. - Inquire incessently about what exactly the ʺC.Cʺ stands for. When he doesnʹt respond, suggest an assortment of possibilities, constantly using words like ʺcockʺ, ʺcumʺ, ʺcravingʺ, ʺcameltoeʺ and ʺC+C Music Factoryʺ. Sizemore, Grady - Turn your focus to the bleachers and Sizemoreʹs large, predominantly-female fan section, ʺGradyʹs Ladiesʺ. Ruin their day by confirming you have a good source who confirms that Grady doesnʹt snuggle after sex. Ever. Westbrook, Jake - During his high school career, Westbrook threw six no-hitters. Suggest that maybe the reason he hasnʹt thrown any in the majors so far is because he isnʹt as cool as he once was back in the day. To get his cool quotient back up, offer him a cigarette. Before every pitch.


Colorado Rockies
Atkins, Garrett – But a bunch of hot dogs, remove the buns, and throw them at him. During his pelting, sarcastically thank him for ruining food with his shitty diet. Barmes, Clint – In 2005, his Rookie of the Year candidacy was ruined after he broke his left collarbone during a fall down the stairs at his apartment building, caused because he was carrying a large slab of meat given to him by Todd Helton. After relating the story to the rest of the fans, admit that you never would have thunk Helton’s penis would be that enormous. Cook, Aaron – In 2004, Cook underwent extensive surgery in order to relieve compression on a major blood vein, a procedure that included removing one of his ribs. Spread a rumor that the rib was actually removed for a complete different, Marilyn Manson-type reason. Corpas, Manny – If you substitute saves for penii, he’s the Heather Brooke of baseball, because he blows them so often. You get the gist, but reword it so it makes more sense. De La Rosa, Jorge – A pitcher whose starts of often interrupted by the suggestive “blisters on the fingers” ailment, suggest he fix the problem by halting his thricedaily drum-a-longs with The Beatles’ “Helter Skelter”. Francis, Jeff – Francis has really become the first pitcher to have sustained success while pitching in the high altitude of Denver. Ask him if he really thinks that he’s the only one to have “figured it out” or if, at some point in the near future, the balls are going to start dropping and he’s going to revert back to the mean. Before he answers, say “it’s the 2nd one, dumbass!” Fuentes, Brian – Ask him how he feels to take his good friend Manny Corpas’ job as closer. Point out that it’s not even because Fuentes has been extraordinarily good, but because Corpas has been so bad. That should sting a bit. Hawpe, Brad – A great fielder – his 16 assists led the league in 2006 – admire his arm and wonder how it could have possibly gotten so strong. Conclude with a heavy implication that it’s all from masturbating.


Helton, Todd – While at the University of Tennessee, he was backup quarterback to both Heath Shuler and Peyton Manning. Proclaim that there’s no shame in backing up Manning, seeing as he’s currently the best quarterback in the NFL, but there is a hell of a lot of shame in backing up Shuler. Herrera, Jonathan – A recent call-up due to the injury to Troy Tulowitzki, let him in on the extreme rookie hazing he should expect to receive in the next few weeks, all of which involve the large end of a baseball bat and his own anus. Hirsh, Jason – For his marriage last November, he presented his new bride with a wedding gift of a Jeep Grand Cherokee. Spend the game in full swoon, marveling at just how romantic he truly is. Holliday, Matt – Loudly proclaim that you wish he went on a holiday. To Dead Island! Iannetta, Chris – Not a lot of dirt goes on with backup catchers usually because of their minimal amount of playing time, and Iannetta is no different. So until he does something really memorable or stupid, changing the ‘e’ in his last name to an ‘o’ will have to do. Jiménez, Ubaldo – Getting extremely sophomoric and calling him “Poobaldo” will work quite nicely. Podsednik, Scott – During the height of his fame following the 2005 White Sox World Series Championship, he married former Playboy playmate Lisa Dergen. Explain how, now that his skills have diminished to the point where he’s been relegated to a backup role, it might be best to start divvying up your assets already. Quintanilla, Omar – An attendee of the University of Texas, Austin, other notable graduates include both Laura and Jed Bush. As such, blame him for the nation’s economic struggles, preferably in the form of an acoustic protest song. Redman, Mark – For one year, way back in 1992, he attended The Master’s College, a conservative Christian liberal arts college in Santa Clarita, California. Mock his presumably horrible taste in anything “artistic”. Start with The Da Vinci Code.


Taveras, Willy – A speedster who has no power in his bat, tell him that you’re known for those two identical attributes in the bedroom. That way, you win over the crowd by being self-deprecating and you get a slight jab in attacking Taveras’ masculinity. Win-win! Torrealba, Yorvit – The source of his odd first name comes from his parents being unable to decide between Yorman and Victor so they just combined the two. Suggest that it’s a good thing they chose to substitute Victor in for their previous top two selection, Jamal, or else there’s a good chance he would be named Manjam. Hint that this second combination might actually be more appropriate. Tulowitzki, Troy – Let him know that it’s a shame he didn’t win the Rookie of the Year award last year, which he deserved, because, looking at how things are shaping up this year, it’s looking like that was the last chance to add anything to his trophy mantel.


Detroit Tigers
Bonderman, Jeremy – Seeing as Bonderman’s become another one of those Detroit pitchers who seems like they have all the tools to succeed, but for some reason or other, they can never put it together, go to his pre-game autograph session and ask him to sign your Jeff Weaver jersey. Cabrera, Miguel – A practitioner of the Afro-Caribbean religion Santeria, spend the afternoon singing a soaring a cappella rendition of the Sublime song of the same name. Granderson, Curtis – From the southern Chicago suburb Blue Island, let Granderson know that never of any consequence has ever come from the town. As your first piece of evidence, submit for his perusal the pop punk band Mest. Guillén, Carlos – In 2001, Carlos was hospitalized with pulmonary tuberculosis, which is disgusting. As a tribute to the disease, stage a dramatic one-man show of The Metamorphosis by Franz Kafka, who died of TB. Inge, Brandon – An overall grumpy goose ever since the Tigers brought in Miguel Cabrera to play 3rd base forcing Inge to take a role as overall utility player, try to turn his frown upside-down by dressing as a clown, playing peeka-boo and, if he gets close enough, tickling him. Jones, Todd – A devout Christian who uses Contemporary Christian music whenever he enters the game from the bullpen, make a strong argument that all Christian rock bands have just chosen that niche because of the high profitability of having such a devout, and seemingly tasteless, audience. If you don’t have time enough to get your message across, just make the accurate claim that dc Talk is horrible. Joyce, Matt – Since nobody knows much about him, read aloud “Finnegan’s Wake” in its entirety. Ordóñez, Magglio – Congratulate him for continuing to play following the disappointment he must feel after spending 8 years with the White Sox, only to see them win their long-awaited championship the year after he left. No matter how many batting titles you get afterwards, that still can’t feel good.


Polanco, Plácido – Godfather to Albert Pujols’ son Ismael, let Polanco know that you saw him smoking in the stadium bathroom, and if he took his job seriously, he would leave his position at second base right now to go and reprimand him. Raburn, Ryan – Proclaim loudly that, after last night at the local Detroit whorehouse, your crotch is ryan raBURNING! At the very least, this should get neighboring fans to move away and give you a better view of the game. Rentería, Edgar – Because of his poor play in Boston, the pussy Red Sox fans – they can’t even laugh at cancer! – dubbed him “Rente-error” and “Rent-AWreck”. Add a new one to the canon: “Edgar Diarrhea!” Robertson, Nate – He wears glasses on the mound in order to fix his lazy eye. Ask him if he blames his parents for the ailment, seeing as they didn’t love him enough to keep their lackadaisical ocular nerve genes away from him. Rodney, Fernando – A pitcher who relies on a fastball that reaches 100mph, let him know that might be difficult to do with his sore right shoulder. With that information, grease up your hair, don a leather jacket, and shadily tell him to meet you by his locker after gym class. You got a way he can maintain his competitive edge against these up-and-coming youngsters. Rodríguez, Iván – One of the greatest defensive catchers of all time, imply that the reason he got the nickname “Pudge” is because of how excited he gets whenever he throws a baserunner out. If he doesn’t understand, loudly say the Spanish word for “erection” which is, hilariously, “erección”. Rogers, Kenny – Let him that, even though his extensive plastic surgery has made him look extremely creepy, and you’d never leave him alone with your daughter, you could listen to “Islands In the Stream” all day long. Sheffield, Gary – Since you don’t want to heckle Sheffield directly (unless you brought your bullet-proof vest to the ballpark) spend the game asking the many Latino players on the team if Sheffield was right when he told GQ magazine there’s more Latinos than black players in the majors because they’re easier to control. Thames, Marcus – Nicknamed “Slick”, spread the rumor that he obtained the moniker after an unfortunate incident involving Crisco, a very sensitive area on his person, and the fist of a truck driver named “Hairy Bill”. 30

Verlander, Justin – A youngster who’s had a quick start to his career – including a Rookie of the Year award and a no-hitter – tell Verlander that he reminds you of another youngster who has a quick start: Haley Joel Osment. Willis, Dontrelle – Imply that his extreme high leg kick during his pitching delivery proves that he is groin-less. Zumaya, Joel – Sidelined during the 2006 ALCS because of a sore wrist which he allegedly got by playing Guitar Hero way too much, imply that you know the real reason he hurt his wrist, and it involves a horrible mix of online porn, tissues, Vaseline, and complete and utter loneliness.


Florida Marlins
Amezaga, Alfredo - In the 1999 draft, Amezaga was drafted number 401st overall, one spot ahead of Albert Pujols. While youʹre not entirely sure if the two careers are comparable yet -- Amezaga can still get hot -- bring a giant poster charting the statistics of the two players to give him an idea of where he currently stands. De Aza, Alejandro - His name is so similar to the director of the horror film High Tension that your best bet is spending the entire game berating him for completely ruining a decent movie with an awful high school film class cop-out of an ending. When he looks at you wondering what the hell youʹre talking about, admit that, despite the ending, the scene where the killer receives oral sex from a decapitated head was pretty cool. Gonzalez, Luis - Go out on a limb and suggest that, just maybe, closing out a career in front of dozens of fans in one of the worst stadiums in professional sports wasnʹt the storybook ending the 5-time All-Star envisioned. Perhaps this is Karmaʹs way of getting back at him for ruining the perfect storybook ending to the 2001 World Series, which should have gone the Yankees way. Instead, the Diamondbacks won, thereʹs still a crater at the World Trade Center, and Americaʹs stuck in a quagmire in Iraq, all events which Gonzo is responsible for. Gregg, Kevin - Mention the irony that, for a man with three gʹs in his last name, that heʹs never been able to find the g-spot on a woman. Or a man. Hendrickson, Mark - Stare in awe with mouth agape at one of the last remaining wonders of professional sports: The two-sport athlete. Hendrickson played in both the NBA and the MLB. And what makes it even more incredible is that, unlike say Bo Jackson or Deion Sanders, Hendrickson sucked at both. A true rarity. Hermida, Jeremy - Last year, he led all major league right fielders in errors, meaning you should bring a giant novelty glove to the game and offer it up. Jacobs, Mike - Back in 2006, the Marlins held a Jewish Heritage Day, giving away Mike Jacobs T-shirts as a way of honoring their Jewish first baseman. Problem was, Jacobs isnʹt Jewish. As such, break out the yamakas and dreidels, offer him a few Kosher hotdogs, and ask about whatʹs up with money.


Johnson, Josh - While heʹll be missing the entire season due to Tommy John surgery, if you see him in the dugout give him a wave and ask him how he feels about ex-manager Joe Girardi getting the Yankees head-coaching gig. To get an accurate response, first show him video of Girardi bringing Johnson back into the game after an 82-minute rain delay, the incident that shockingly started his rash of arm injuries. Maybin, Cameron - Part of the trade that sent Dontrelle Willis and Miguel Cabrera to the Tigers, let Maybin know that, really, he was just a throw-in. Andrew Miller was the real reason the team made the trade. Heʹs as meaningless of an add-on as the Text-to-Voice feature on Final Draft! Miller, Andrew - Another part of the trade that sent Dontrelle Willis and Miguel Cabrera to the Tigers, let Miller know that, really, he was just a throw-in. Cameron Maybin was the real reason the team made the trade. Heʹs as meaningless of a bonus as the directorʹs commentary track for Ace Ventura: Pet Detective! Mitre, Sergio - Pretend to be dyslexic and get into a long verbal argument about how, if Sergio wants to use that form of measurment, he should move to Europe. Explain to him that, here in America, we use ʺfeetʺ and ʺinchesʺ. Freedom-hater. Nolasco, Ricky - 25 years old now, itʹs probably best to suggest Nolasco lose the y from his first name; that kind of nickname is reserved for British funnymen, fictional racecar drivers and Hispanic singers who may or may not be homosexual. Trust us. We should know. Olsen, Scott - Olsenʹs Wikipedia subsection entitled ʺSuspensions, confrontations and legal problemsʺ currently runs a potent 544 words. No doubt youʹll find something in that horror show to make fun of. Rabelo, Mike - He was drafted in 1998 out of high school by the Red Sox, but turned down the offer to instead play collegiate ball. And itʹs a good thing too, or else he would have already had his thrist for victory quenched twice-over by being part of two world championship team. Instead, now he has the opportunity to see a team go from ʺthe worst franchise in baseballʺ to ʺa team that might win 80 gamesʺ over the next decade. Smart move. Ramirez, Hanley - A truly great hitter, the only way to get into his head is when 33

heʹs fielding grounders at shortstop, which apparently isnʹt a daunting task. Judging by his defense over the last few years, all 50 Marlins fans were able to rattle him at one time or another. A simple ʺNoonanʺ should suffice. Uggla, Dan - For once, we have no clever ways of making fun of his last name. It is, truly, a name that completely and accurately describes the person who owns it. You couldnʹt think of any improvements, except perhaps the addition of an ʺFʺ in front. VandenHurk, Rick - From the Netherlands and nicknamed ʺThe Holland Hammerʺ, spend all game listing reasons why his mom is known as ʺThe Holland Tunnelʺ. On second thought, just list the single reason over and over. Willingham, Josh - Thereʹs no shame in getting corny and simply listing the many different types of meat youʹre ʺwillingʺ to eat before ham.


Houston Astros
Ausmus, Brad - The man behind the plate was not only inducted into the National Jewish Hall of Fame in 2004, but was also given the Darryl Kile Award for ʺintegrity and courageʺ last year. Since we always recommend keeping it relatively classy -- no Holocaust or heart attack references here, since both are lies perpetrated by the vast underground network of Jewish doctors! -- our advice is to focus more on his low draft position in any fantasy league, since heʹs such a horrible, horrible batter. In fact, your niece is more capable with a bat. And sheʹs a girl. Oh, thatʹs good. Tell him that. Backe, Brandon - A Tommy John surgery survivor, itʹs best to remind Backe that, one of these days, someone is bound to have complications following the procedure, like, say, their arm falling off mid-pitch. Hammer the point home by wondering aloud if Brandon felt that slight pull in his muscle while throwing that last pitch. Perhaps the next throw is the one that finally finishes the job ... Berkman, Lance - Berkman has stated numerous times that he dislikes his ʺFat Elvisʺ nickname, meaning you must obviously dress up in a fried peanut butter and banana sandwich and have your lawyer serve Berkman with a restraining order because youʹre scared heʹs going to eat you. If you want to take another route, and are a heterosexual female or homosexual male, tell Lance youʹd be more than happy to date him, if only you didnʹt have that pesky ʺno fatties allowedʺ rule. Bourn, Michael - A shouted pun about you wishing he was ʺnever being bornʺ is a nice family-friendly taunt. But steer clear from thinking that the laughter it elicits gives you the go ahead to start your diatribe about the societal benefits of abortion. Youʹll get beat up. Hernandez, Runelvys - On the off chance he gets a spot in the rotation, spend some time learning how to shout his name without pronouncing the accent over the ʺaʺ in his last name. Yeah. Thatʹll get ʹem! Lee, Carlos - Did you know that his nickname ʺEl Caballoʺ actually means ʺElevated Horse Cockʺ in Spanish? Well, just assume it does and go from there. In order to get your sure-to-be-hilarious visual aids into the ballpark, disguise them as innocent inflatable bats. Bonus tip: A windbreaker and a few bags of popcorn can easily pass for a scrotum. Just ask your aunt, who is presumably a


whore. Matsui, Kaz - Letʹs be honest: All Asians look alike. Usually this is more of an annoyance -- since youʹre never sure which co-worker youʹve already borrowed Soy Sauce from -- but in this case, itʹs a boon. By default, Matsui looks exactly like Indians pitching prospect Kazuhito Tadano, whoʹs been filmed pitching more than just baseballs, if you catch my drift. (Note: My drift is his penis.) That they share the same first name -- or is it last? -- is the cherry on top of the mildlyhomoerotic sundae of insults youʹre sure to come up with. Oswalt, Roy - Letʹs just stick a ʺBlʺ in front of his last name and call it a day. Pence, Hunter - Most people mistakenly assume Pence earned his nickname ʺThe Naturalʺ because of his extraordinarily success last year as a rookie. In fact, itʹs because he remains uncircumcised. Take an opportunity to remind him of the ʺanteaterʺ taunts he presumably received in high school. Make sure to get it in quick though, before he can retort by discussing the heightened sensation he feels by not having mangled genitals like yourself. Rodriguez, Wandy - Did you know ʺWandyʺ is a nickname he got because of his activity with W.A.N.D., the Womanʹs Action for New Directions, whose mission statement is to ʺempower women to act politically to reduce violence and militarismʺ? Yeah. Heʹs a pussy. Tejada, Miguel - Miggy has a little something on his professional resume known throughout judicial circles as a ʺsteroid allegationʺ. And, as grandpa always said, you canʹt spell ʺallegationʺ without the word ʺlegitʺ. Itʹs why grandpa steered clear of Richard Gere movies. Gerbils scared him. Valverde, Jose - Historically, Valverde comes out into the 9th inning to the song ʺBig Poppaʺ by the Notorious B.I.G., but without the lyrics as to not offend the youngsters present. The lack of audible words gives you the opportunity to claim you know who capped Biggie: Tupac Shakur, recently risen from the dead. Thatʹll get his head out of the game. Wigginton, Ty - According to his Wikipedia entry, Wigginton ʺis decent at first but has struggled in very limited playing time in the outfieldʺ. Remind him of the constant disappointment he must be to his male ancestors, who greatly respected outfielders but looked down upon the incessant laziness of those manning the first base. Illustrate this point with a poster-sized Wigginton family 36

tree, complete with ʺfrownyʺ faces wherever you see fit. Williams, Woody - Youʹre going to want to obviously attack the ʺWoodyʺ aspect, but which do you choose? How itʹs synonymous with ʺmale erectionʺ? How itʹs ... ah, fuck it. Anything with ʺbonersʺ in it will do just fine. Just ask your other aunt, who is also presumably a whore.


Kansas City Royals
Bale, John – According to the first entry that comes up when you type ʺJohn Baleʺ into Wikipedia, Bale is an English churchman who wrote the oldest known historical verse drama and actually died in 1563. Make fun of him for being dead. Bannister, Brian – Bannister is a member of Lambda Chi Alpha fraternity whose motto is “Vir Quisue Vir”, which translates to “Every Man a Man”. Add the phrase “Volo Habeo Sex Per a” to the middle of that phrase, making it gayer than it already is. Buck, John – A member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, let him know that when he dies, youʹre going to follow the churchʹs practice of baptism of the dead, but in this case, youʹre going to baptize him as Lutheran! Butler, Billy – Nicknamed the ʺBig Donkeyʺ, spend the entire afternoon calling him an ʺEnormous Assʺ. Callaspo, Alberto – While the charges were dropped, Callaspo was arrested last year for domestic violence in his home. As such, offer him a giant vat of ʺBlack Eye-Be-Goneʺ covering makeup. DeJesus, David – Use a variety of blood analysis, carbon dating, bird bones and photos of Posh Spice to prove that Jesus never existed. Whether or not heʹs Christian doesnʹt really matter. Germán, Estéban – Although he was born in the Dominican Republic, his last name is German. What the fuck?!?! Spend the entire afternoon somehow trying to justify this shocking fact. Gload, Ross – On September 12, 2001, Gload was claimed on waivers by the Colorado Rockies, in what was, in a way, the beginning of his big league career. Use this fact to deduce that Gload was part of the 9/11 conspiracy. Gobble, Jimmy – Inquire as to what, exactly, he gobbles. During the questioning, make sure he understands your heavy implication that it’s cock he is consuming. Gordon, Alex – As a rookie last year, Gordon wore #4 on his jersey, but changed it to #7 this year. Dress up as a numerologist and develop an elaborate theory of


why this season is going to be horrible due to the numeric swap. Greinke, Zack – Back in 2006, Greinke had to leave the team for a year after suffering from social anxiety disorder. While he’s been a nice story this year, putting his demons aside and having a breakout season, you should still bring your mini DSM-IV to find out exactly which buttons to push to induce a panic attack. Grudzielanek, Mark – Get drunk and scream his last name as many times as possible. Guillén, José – Amazingly, for a guy who’s currently in his 11th season, he’s also on his 9th team. That type of run doesn’t scream “much-wanted commodity” as much as it heavily implies “enormous dickhead”. Delve into his psychology a little, trying to figure out why he feels the need to act up as much as he does. Conclude by determining that his genitals are small. Hochevar, Luke – The former first overall pick in the 2006 draft was both a member of the National Honor Society and the Prom King in high school. Berate him for living in the past. Meche, Gil – Let him know that you were shocked last year after learning Meche was actually worth the hefty contract he signed. In fact, his stats shocked you so much that you thought you were actually going mad! And that’s what makes this current oh-so-shitty year such a relief. Olivo, Miguel – While heʹs been in the big leagues for 6 years, really the only reason heʹs there is because of his bullet arm behind the plate. Remind Olivo that once that goes, which looks like will happen sooner rather than later, itʹs off to the glue factory for him. (To work, obviously.) Peña Jr., Tony – Because his name is not identical to his fatherʹs, he is technically not a Junior, but he never corrects anyone because that terminology is easier for people to use. Spend the game picketing Peña the Younger for not using the English language correctly. Soria, Joakim – Since he has the distinction of being the 100th player in MLB history that was born in Mexico, erect a fence around him. However, be prepared to be labeled a racist, since you are.


Teahen, Mark – Teahan recently obtained his dual Canadian-American citizenship, most likely because heʹs going to cut-and-run as soon as we reinstate the draft, which should happen within the next few months, God willing. Call Teahan a draft dodger. Tomko, Brett – Tomko is married to Playboy Playmate Julia Schultz, from the February 1998 issue. Order a copy of the back issue, grab a seat directly behind the plate in the pitcherʹs line of sight, and spend the afternoon on a date with yourself.


Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim
Anderson, Garrett – Officially, Garrett Anderson is somewhere between 54 and 73 years old. Remind him of the cold, grim reality that the Hand of Death will soon be fist-bumping Garrett’s soul by wearing an authentic Grim Reaper outfit under your replica Anderson jersey. If security won’t let you bring in a scythe, a large foam finger will have to do. Aybar, Erick – Dude always looks stoned. Use it. Figgins, Chone – Evidently pronounced “Shawn”, Figgins’ first name is a glory to behold. Rhyming it with “cone” (as it should be, since this is America, goddamnit!) is a good start, but getting a little creative with it can’t hurt. How about “che-hone-ay”? Or perhaps “see honey”, but in the tone of an effeminate pimp. Garland, Jon – A longtime favorite of the ladies, remind him of another heartthrob who always made the ladies swoon: Rock Hudson. Hunter, Torii – While the repeating vowels of his first name may seem an enticing target, stay away from making too much of it. Who are you, the Grammar Police? Instead, focus on the androgyny of it, playing it up with fun characters who share the same name. Say, the leather-jacket-wearing, continuitydestroying Tori Scott of Saved by the Bell fame. Torii probably won’t know who you’re referring to, but you’ll be a hit with the under-25 crowd. Escobar, Kelvim – Since it’s a well-known fact that Kelvim was named, albeit one-letter off, after the Northern Irish physicist who introduced the groundwork for the “absolute zero” scale of temperature measurement, bring your mittens and chuck verbal snowballs of taunt about the inability of Escobar’s parents to distinguish between an “m” and an “n”. Highlight the fact with repetitive recitation of the lyrical “ellemenno” section of the alphabet. Guerrero, Vladimir – To make him sob, just remind him of the lean years of his childhood, when he was unable to wear the leather batting gloves he can now no longer do without. If it happens to be one of the 162 times a year when he isn’t wearing batting gloves, simply hurl the same prepared insult, but in a sarcastic tone, leaving those within earshot under the impression that you were being ironic.


Kendrick, Howie – Any “Howie” heckles begin and end with references to the great Howie Mandel and his well-publicized bout with OCD. As such, make sure to wear plastic gloves when taunting. Also, if you remove the “r” from his last name (maybe sending it over to Casey one entry down) it spells “Kendick”. That’s pretty funny. Kotchman, Casey – While he obviously doesn’t need any more reminders that he has a first name which can be used for either a girl or a boy, what Casey does need is someone to remind him he’s only one letter (an “r”) away from having the greatest latest name of all time. Pepper your heckles with the addition of this letter to get the point across. Lackey, John – Let’s be honest: John Lackey looks like he’s dumb. While we have no information either way about his intellect, play the odds and inquire about his IQ score. If his answer is above what you expected (i.e. triple digits), wonder aloud to your colleagues why Gatorade went to him, of all players, when looking for a pitcher that Derek Jeter could steal on under the prodding of Harvey Keitel. Are they saying that Lackey lacks a quality pickoff move? Matthews Jr., Gary – Whatever you do, stay away from making fun of the amount of money he’s earning despite low production and an ample time spent sitting on the bench. He’ll only laugh in your face. Napoli, Mike – Since that last name is as Italian as you can get, it’s best to start off with a few racial insults about the general state of Italian politics and body odor, both of which stink to high heaven! (Zing!) Rodriguez, Francisco – Odds are, while you reading this, he walked someone. Quick. Make fun of that! Santana, Ervin – Long in the doghouse of the Angels, it doesn’t hurt to bring up two of his namesakes who are much better at him at everything in the world: Ervin “Magic” Johnson and Johan Santana. Suggest that, while you’re not a gemology expert, you imagine it’s kind of like the two superstars had a child and, instead of obtaining their athletic genes, they got the “shit” ones instead. It’s kind of like Twins. But with AIDS. Saunders, Joe – You have two options at your disposal: If he can’t beat the above-mentioned Santana for the final rotation spot, he must suck. If he does 42

beat him out, still, that’s not saying much. Shields, Scot – Just imagine Shields is one of those professional maids-of-honor, who just can’t seem to land herself a man while all of her best friends find “Mr. Right”. Continue the scenario by mentality envisioning that Shields (the bridesmaid) just spread a nasty rumor through the crowd at the wedding reception that you contracted herpes from a sibling. If you’ve worked yourself into a state of ample frenzied hatred, go ahead and pronounce to the crowd how you really feel about Shields (the bridesmaid). Just make sure to substitute the phrase “you’ll die alone” for “you’ll never be a closer”. Weaver, Jered – While his brother Jeff may be a worse pitcher by far, he could still hold young Jered down and force him to smell his farts like he did all through grammar school. Can you still smell them, Jered? Do they still haunt your nostrils?


Los Angeles Dodgers
Billingsley, Chad - From Defiance, Ohio -- the setting of The Prize Winner of Defiance, Ohio, the true story of how a housewife fed her family by winning a bunch of jingle-writing contest entries -- compose and deliver your own jingles, except these will all advertise one thing: Billingsleyʹs ineffectiveness. As usual, please make all entries 25 words or less. Broxton, Jonathan - If you take the first 4 letters out of his last name, youʹll get his actual playing weight. Go from there. Ethier, Andre - While he twiddles his thumbs in the dugout, list the many reasons why Juan Pierre deserves the starting spot over Ethier. After an hour of silence, admit you canʹt think of a single one, but he should take solace in the fact that he makes a shitload less money than Pierre. Wait a minute ... Furcal, Rafael - In 2006, Furcal was selected as the first-ever winner of the Roy Campanella Award, an award given to the Dodger who best exemplifies the ʺspirit and leadershipʺ of the late Hall of Fame catcher. Opine that perhaps voters got confused and thought they were voting for the player ʺmost likely to get paralyzed in an automobile accidentʺ, just like Campanella. After all, Furcal already has two DUIs on his motorist resume. Garciaparra, Nomar - Along with Derek Jeter and Alex Rodriguez, Nomar was part of the famed ʺHoly Trinityʺ of shortstops in the mid-90s. While the trinity is dead now that both A-Rod and Nomar have changed positions, you should relate to Nomar that all three of them are still great players. Well, two of the three are at least. Nomar kinda sucks. Jones, Andruw - Admit that, while youʹre no business expert, it seems that having the worst statistical season of your career in the final year of your contract is not a smart business move. However, let Jones know he can make up for it by buying some stock in America Online. Itʹs going to turn around any day now. Kemp, Matt - Nicknamed ʺThe Bisonʺ because of his enormous size and swift mobility, take the time to remind Kemp of another characteristic of the American Bison: a whole lot of them exhibit homosexual behavior. Honestly. Kent, Jeff - Known for being full of hate, suggest the mustachoed 2nd basemen


work out his aggression the old fashioned way: thrice-daily bouts of frenetic masturbation. Kuroda, Hiroki - A new recruit from Japan, make Kuroda feel welcome by listing historic examples of Americans being kind to people of Japanese descent. Like, say, the internment camps of World War II. Loaiza, Esteban - Add a ʺB-ʺ prefix to the beginning of his last name, and reveal to him your great literary achievement by shouting it over and over at the top of your lungs. Loney, James - Once again, add a ʺB-ʺ prefix to the beginning of his last name, and reveal to him your great literary achievement by shouting it over and over at the top of your lungs. In this case however, preceed your revelation by drinking seven beers. Lowe, Derek - Hazard a guess at a few of the pickup lines Lowe used on ʺDodger Dugoutʺ anchor Carolyn Hughes before the two started an illicit sordid love affair that left two divorces in its wake. One line for free: ʺI wouldnʹt mind spitting salty seeds into your dugout.ʺ Martin, Russell - His midde name -- well, one of his middle names, seeing as his full name is Russell Nathan Coltrane Jeanson Martin, Jr. -- is an homage to the great saxophonist and avant-guard jazz revolutionary John Coltrane. Celebrate his legacy by bringing a saxophone to the game, and blowing into it as loud as you can when Martin is just about to swing. After he strikes out and looks to see where the annoyance is coming from, close your eyes, nod your head and snap your fingers, giving those around you the impression that you understand the true rhythm of the world. Penny, Brad - Comment, as loudly as you can, that youʹre shocked, utterly and completely shocked (!) that Penny has been romantically connected with Alyssa Milano and Eliza Dushku. And now that youʹre seeing him in person, the story makes even less sense. Pierre, Juan - Relate to the speedy outfielder your amazement at the fact that Pierre is consistently one of the hardest batters to strike out in all of baseball. Since, typically speaking, someone who doesnʹt strike out usually isnʹt as shitty as Pierre.


Saito, Takashi - The closer attended the same high school and college as Mariners reliever Kazuhiro Sasaki, presumably making them contentious rivals. Learning the phrase ʺYou are not even man enough to hold Sasakiʹs jock strap, which is much larger than your jock strap, because his reproduction organs are also much larger than yoursʺ in Japanese should suffice. Schmidt, Jason - Make a sign proclaiming your section as the home of the ʺJason Schmidt Fan Clubʺ. To more fully show your Dodger devotion, write out the pitcherʹs last name in alternating team colors; Dodger Blue for the 1st, 3rd, 5th and 7th letter, and white for the others. While youʹre at it, make sure the posterboard you use is also white.


Milwaukee Brewers
Braun, Ryan - Braun has one of the greatest nicknames in Major League history, the ʺHebrew Hammerʺ. Unfortunately, the name doesnʹt come from his prowess with the bat, but because of his oddly-shaped Limb of Baby-Making, which has the width of a hammerhead shark and the girth of a Hebrew National hot dog. At least, thatʹs the story you should relay to the rest of the crowd. Bush, Dave - Purposefully mistake him as a relative of the commander-in-chief, continually asking how he feels about his cousin ruining the country. When he corrects your mistaken assumption, ignore him and start to attack his other cousin, Access Hollywoodʹs Billy Bush, who is a much bigger douchebag than the President. Cameron, Mike - Back in 2002, Cameron wrote a book called It Takes a Team which promotes ʺself-confidence, open-mindedness and teamworkʺ as the three keys to success. Suggest that itʹs time Cameron revisit the book and write an expanded version with a fourth key to success: being banned 25 games for using banned stimulants. Counsell, Craig - Spread the rumor that Counsellʹs strange back-to-the-pitcher batting stance isnʹt a way to get the most momentum out of his tiny frame, but really just an excuse to turn his penis around, in the event that the catcher happens to spend his free time ʺcatchingʺ other objects. Like penises. With his butt. Fielder, Prince - Instead of heckling, bring an enormous calendar to the park, counting down to the third Sunday in June, historically the date to celebrate Fatherʹs Day. Spruce up the visuals by offering gift ideas for Prince to get his father, whom the youngster presumably adores. Gallardo, Yovani - While originally from Mexico, feign ignorance at his south-ofthe-border ethnicity and suggest he return to his home country of Italy, where he must be from with an Italian-sounding first name like that. Alternately, if you want to go a different route, ʺYovani RETARDO!ʺ Gagne, Eric – This one’s going to be complicated. Go to the park wearing your Gagne replica goggles, but with two slight homemade adjustments: (a) Make one arm of the glasses appear to be the arm of a muscle-bound bodybuilder; (b) and


make the other an arm thatʹs falling apart, all sinewy and muscle-torn, looking as if whoever owns the arm took plenty of illegal steroids in their day. If you happen to know David Cronenberg, he probably already has a pair of these sitting in his workshop. Hall, Bill – Last year, Hall lead all major league center fielders with nine errors. Picking on him for this would be advised, possibly by giving him a copy of Tom Emanski’s Defensive Drills video. Hardy, J.J. – Constantly inquire about what crime his brothers Joe and Frank are currently working on. Also, when he’s up to bat, let him know you have obtained nude photographs of that whore Nancy Drew. Hart, Corey - For day games, drink enough alcohol until you finally remember a word which rhymes with his last name thatʹs synonymous with flatus. For night games, wear sunglasses to hide your bloodshot eyes while making clever references to an 80s one-hit wonder. Kendall, Jason – Heading into his 11th-year as a pro, Kendall has two less home runs than Barry Bondsʹ record-breaking single-season output of 73 in 2001. Suggest he remedy this by not acting so similar to those who own vaginas. Sheets, Ben – Reassure him that you brought along some duct tape, a few bandaids, some Neosporin, and a jar of leeches so he’ll get immediate medical attention the next time he gets hurt, which, by your calculations, should be sometime in the next 4-8 pitches. Suppan, Jeff – Along with his wife, Suppan owns a restaurant in LA called “Soup’s Grill”, one whose specialty is a Philly cheesesteak sandwich that, in your estimation, is runny, stringy, tasteless and “best served with a side of garbage can, so you don’t have to finish this entire culinary abortion”. Also, feel free to hint that his wife is orchestrating a hostile takeover while he’s away on road games. Villanueva, Carlos – Not much is known about the man, meaning youʹll have to resort to immature name-calling, say, something like “Villanu-GAY-a!” Weeks, Rickie – Throughout his short career, Weeks has been known as a potential five-tool player. And while he’s been lacking in one distinct department – fielding – he should take solace in the fact that he himself is one giant tool. 48

Minnesota Twins
Baker, Scott – Hold a sign with the date August 31st, 2007 on it, the date when Baker took a perfect game into the 9th inning, but walked the first batter he faced to end the perfect game and then gave up a hit to spoil the no-hitter. It will be a reminder to how close to perfection Baker got, and how he’s never going to get closer. Blackburn, Nick – From the town of Ada, Oklahoma (population 16,008), imply that the reason Jeff Reed, the town’s founder, named the place after his oldest daughter in 1891 was because he was, in fact, fucking her. This obviously started a tradition of incest that, from where you’re sitting, it still looks like the town maintains. Bonser, Boof – Comment that you were unsure if you should laugh or cry when you heard that Bonser got his “Boof” nickname because that’s the sound he makes whenever he sits up, because of his enormous girth. However, let him know that you decided to laugh in the end, because you can’t not laugh at fat people. Casilla, Alexi – One of the fastest players in the majors, comment that the speed really doesn’t help much if he can’t fucking get on base! If security tries to pull you away, alert them that you have Casilla on your fantasy team. That will make you relatable and less of a danger to the public. Cuddyer, Michael – During the many off hours in the baseball locker room, Cuddyer performs magic acts for his teammates. Thank you loudly for showing him that amazing “hide the salami” trick. Everett, Adam – According to Wikipedia, Everett is often mistaken for actor DJ Qualls, best known for having sex with that enormous black lady in Road Trip. Make the same mistake. Gómez, Carlos – Nicknamed “Go-Go” because of his blazing speed, let him in on the dirty secret that he’s actually named so due to his feminine moves in the discotheque.


Harris, Brendan – From the College of William and Mary, infer from Harris’ throwing motion that Mary must have taught the baseball program. Hernández, Liván – The half-brother of Orlando Hernández, observe that it looks like El Duque got all the “stud” genes while Liván got all the fat ones. Kubel, Jason – For a particularly appetizing heckle, substitute the “K” and “b” in his last name for a “Str” and “d”. That should make his mouth water, which in turn will make him question his sanity, seeing as he just got hungry thinking about a large Austrian pastry shaped like himself. Lamb, Mike – Nicknamed “Lambo”, a play on the Sylvester Stallone character who just won’t die, suggest that it might be more appropriate to place an “e” after the “m”. Follow this up by making an L-7 symbol with your thumbs and forefingers. Liriano, Francisco – His wife’s name is Johanna, which is strange seeing as many people consider him the Second Coming of Johan Santana. Stick a cigar in your mouth and psychoanalyze that one. Mauer, Joe – Tell him that while you think it’s great Mauer is signed long enough to see the team’s new outdoor, natural grass stadium open in 2010, it’s going to be weird seeing him throw out the first pitch in a wheelchair, the only possibly outcome after catching so many games as that horrible Metrodome astroturf. Monroe, Craig – Seeing as his mom is strangely named Marilyn, comment on how much “usage” you got out of the December 1953 issue of Playboy. Morneau, Justin – From Canada, let Justin know that while you’re sure his family is excited he’s a major league baseball player, they’d be much prouder if he was a hockey player. Nathan, Joe – One of the best closers in baseball, comment that it’s strange the team would trade away Johan Santana yet sign Nathan to a long-term deal. Follow that by commenting that it’s even stranger that a player of Nathan’s caliber would sign a deal with a team that clearly won’t win until sometime after 2015.


Neshek, Pat – One of the new breed of blogger-players – where he posted an amazing video of him getting him in the jaw with a ball while pitching in college – dress up like Nick Denton and make fun of his amateurish stats. Perkins, Glen – Finally, the perfect reason to perform your all-haiku interpretation of the hit Ed Wood film Glen or Glenda? Don’t waste this opportunity. Punto, Nick – In 2007, he posted the lowest slugging percentage of any major league player with at least 200 at-bats. This makes him officially the most worthy recipient of the “pussy” heckle in all of baseball. Redmond, Mike – Comment that it’s too bad Joe Mauer’s on the roster, seeing as Redmond has the skills to be a starting catcher in the majors. It’s a good thing Redmond doesn’t have a bone of selfishness – or self-worth – in his body. Rincón, Juan – Suspended in 2005 after testing positive for illegal performanceenhancing drugs, suggest that, if he really needed help that much, he should have just asked his doctor about Viagra. Slowey, Kevin – Spread the rumor that his last name is actually a nickname he received in high school because of his hilarious learning disability. Young, Delmon – Dressing up like an umpire carrying a custom-made “bat shield” should suffice.


New York Mets
Alou, Moisés - Observe that his hands look a little soft today. Maybe he could go for some of your grade-A, super-yellow urine you have brewing right now. Youʹd just throw it out anyway. Tony Armas, Jr. - Before coming over to the Mets this year, Armas spent his entire career playing for the Expos, the Nationals, and then the Pirates. Spend the game developing a top-down conspiracy theory for why Armas has found himself only playing for the worst three franchises in baseball over the past decade. When people start poking holes in your logic, put your fingers in your ears, scream ʺla-la-laʺ over and over again, and spend time in your parentsʹ basement creating an inaccurate, deceptive, and poorly-constructed video called ʺLoose Change 2: The Armas Connectionʺ. Before you put the video online, make sure to add hip-hop music in the background. It gives it legitimacy. Beltrán, Carlos - Remind him of his 6 wasted years as part of the historicallyinept Kansas City Royals, who failed to put any players of worth around him, forcing young Carlos to hoist the entire team on his shoulders, which he obviously failed to do. Six years, my goodness. Thatʹs a long time. Almost half a career flushed away. What a shame. Castillo, Luis - Never known for his power numbers, Castilloʹs value throughout his career has been based solely on his speed which, predictably, is slowing down as he gets older. As such, he should start planning for what heʹs going to do when he retires, which should be very, very shortly. Offer up numerous suggestions, including going to coupleʹs counseling, finally watching the entire Sex and the City series, and shopping for tampons with the wife. Church, Ryan - Obviously a devout Christian, spend a vast amount of time reading aloud from the Christopher Hitchensʹ complilation The Portable Atheist, which isnʹt as portable as youʹd think. You should finish it up somewhere around game 154. Delgado, Carlos - Known for being a peace activist, declare aloud that itʹs shocking he ended his silent protest of the Iraq war by not standing during ʺGod Bless Americaʺ so soon, especially for a man with such powerful convictions as he. Close the heckle by calling him a dirty tree-hugging hippy and offering him some Patchouli.


Hernández, Orlando - According to just about every report you read, El Duque is somewhere between 57 and 64 years old. This just simply isnʹt true. Heʹs easily in his mid-90s by now. Assume that he has Alzheimerʹs and try to have a conversation about the horrors of prohibition, the cute little flappers sitting next to you, or how the revolutionary ʺtalkiesʺ will be the next big thing. Maine, John - From Fredericksburg, Virginia, one of George Washingtonʹs homes, come to the game dressed in colonial garb, complete with powdered hair, wooden teeth and wrapped in a blanket coated with malaria. Spend the game in character, complaining about your latest outbreak of boils, arguing about the justification of taxation without representation, and observing that Maine throws like bit of a ʺdandy fopʺ. Martinez, Pedro - Notice that ever since Pedro and Nelson de la Rosa -- his diminutive friend and good luck charm during the 2004 playoffs -- have parted ways, Pedroʹs career has gone drastically downhill. Suggest that maybe this is just life getting him back for how he exploited the tiny man in his final years. Perhaps karma is really Pedroʹs daddy. Pagán, Angel - Possibly the greatest name in all of baseball, let him know that you feel horrible about the schizophrenia Angel must feel whenever he signs his name. Right there, in front of him to clearly see, are the two sides of his personality, the angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other. Play the devilʹs advocate by constantly offering him booze, heroin, hookers and abortions. Pérez, Óliver - Remind him how, generally speaking, he seems to follow up a decent year with a horribly sucky and incompetent campaign. And since last year was pretty good, he should be coming back down to Earth in no time. Illustrate this with a hand-made portrait of a roller coaster. On fire. But not in a symbolically good way. Reyes, Jose - Known for his amazing speed, inquire if running the bases is the only thing heʹs quick on the draw with. Heavily imply that the answer is no, and that the other thing heʹs quick at is sexual intercourse. Santana, Johan - The best pitcher in baseball, thereʹs really no way to get under his skin, which is only possible if the technology in the classic movie Innerspace exists. If you do get inside somehow, send us a sign of your success by doing three jumping jacks in the 4th inning in between pitches. After that, feel free to 53

make Johan shit his pants. Schneider, Brian - The man behind the plate when pitcher Mike Bacsik served up home run number 756 to Barry Bonds, thank Schneider for letting the bad guy win by not calling for chin music. Schneiderʹs apparently the type of guy who roots for the Hawks in The Mighty Ducks. Jerk. Wagner, Billy - He owns an alpaca farm in Crozet, Virginia, no doubt a purchase made after spending one night too many wrestling with insomnia in front of late night infomercials. Try to take advantage of his obvious lack of self-control by offering him a great deal on a barely-used Flobee. To seal the deal, throw in a few Nads. Wright, David - After Vitamin Water was bought out by Coca-Cola last year, Wright earned roughly $20 million, as he had part ownership in the company as part of his endorsement deal. The rapper 50 Cent, meanwhile, earned an estimated $400 million. That means God loves ʺfittyʺ at least 20 times more than Wright, and thatʹs before even considering Mr. Cent surviving multiple gunshots.


New York Yankees
Abreu, Bobby - In 2006, Abreu was traded to the Yankees along with Phillies pitcher Cory Lidle, who died a few months later after flying into a residential building in New York. Use convulted logic to place the blame for Lidleʹs death on Abreu. Cabrera, Melky - Tell him youʹre starting your own version of the ʺGot Milk?ʺ campaign, which explains the white moustache youʹre currently sporting. However, since you were unable to find the bone-strengthening beverage youʹve had to settle for something else instead. And this oneʹs much stickier. Canó, Robinson - For the life of him, Canóʹs cannot ever take a walk. Harass him for caring too much about his personal glory rather than the plight of his teammates. Jackie Robinson, who he was named after, wouldnʹt have been so selfish. Chamberlain, Joba - Wear a trenchcoat and let him know that you have a wide variety of illegal black market bug spray inside if heʹs interested. Damon, Johnny - A fan favorite while in Boston, ask him if itʹs worth the extra Yankee money to have a bunch of people basically not care about him at all. Ensberg, Morgan - Comment that itʹs great to see Ensberg finally make the jump and turn into a quality baseball player. Then ask your friend for todayʹs newspaper, look at the date and exclaim, ʺWait a minute! Itʹs not 1995?!?!ʺ Farnsworth, Kyle - A pitcher who has all of the talent in the world but somehow just canʹt get it to translate into being good, suggest his horrible career is the universeʹs comeuppance for Philo Farnsworth creating the medium that allowed According to Jim to exist. Giambi, Jason - Continually confuse him with Jeremy. When someone corrects you, comment that thereʹs no way thatʹs Jason Giambi out there; you remember Jason being a little bit larger and a whole lot better. Hawkins, LaTroy - From Gary, Indiana, get halfway through the relevant song from The Music Man, but break down midway in a coughing fit from the pollution.


Hughes, Philip - Since heʹll probably be sitting on the bench nursing an injury when you head to the park, bring a mini-TV and replay his near no-hitter from last year where he had to be taken out of the game after pulling a hamstring. Let him know that he should consider this mini-TV a gift, a living memory of the one single moment where he achieved the most heʹs ever going to achieve in his life. And then take the TV back because youʹre not made of money. Jeter, Derek - Dress up like a sabermetrician and criticize his horrendous defense using a variety of charts and graphs. However, comment that there is justice in the world seeing that A-Rod, a superior player in every way, is making twice as much money. Thank you, America! Kennedy, Ian - Looking at his stats, comment that it was definitely worth it for the Yankees to keep him instead of using him as part of the deal to get Johan Santana. Yeah, definitely worth it. Make sure he knows youʹre being sarcastic. Matsui, Hideki - Nicknamed ʺGodzillaʺ, blow his mind by explaining the interpretation that the monster movies are meant as an allegory to the horrors of nuclear technology. End your lecture by asking Matsui if he got the nickname because, like Godzilla, he doesnʹt have a penis. Molina, José - The middle child of the Fantasy Catching Molina Brothers, ask him if he feels left out because parents obviously love their eldest and youngest children much more than the ghastly mistake of the middle one. Mussina, Mike - Mussina has had more near no-hitters and near perfect games than any other pitcher in recent memory. Ask him why he doesnʹt have the tenacity or brain power to fully complete a work of perfection unlike, say, Hideo Nomo, who has two no-hitters. Pettitte, Andy - Dress up like Roger Clemens and give Pettitte your best come hither look. When you get his attention, bend over and take it like a man. Posada, Jorge - Considered one of the best catchers in the history of baseball, remind him about what happened to the last great Yankees catcher. To get your point across, deliver the tale while wearing a handlebar mustache. Rasner, Darrell - A health ecology major in college, quiz him on what the loss of a keystone predator means for an ecological system. When he has no idea what 56

youʹre talking about, as an example use his mother who, if she wasnʹt around, wouldnʹt be able to consume the millions of gallons of sperm she currently does, allowing them to run rampant and destroy our ecosystem. Rivera, Mariano - A deeply religious Christian, Rivera maintains that God has a reason for everything, as evidenced by the Yankees losing the World Series in 2001, allowing his friend Enrique Wilson to not be aboard an airplane that crashed on its way to the Dominican Republic. Hint that maybe Godʹs just a Diamondbacks fan. When Mo shakes that theory off, ask him what Godʹs reason was for killing Lou Gehrig. Rodriguez, Alex - For all the MVP awards and the stats and the Gold Gloves, the one thing that is still missing from A-Rodʹs mantle is a championship ring. Meanwhile, that person standing right next to him has a whole lot of rings. Suggest A-Rod borrow one. Wang, Chien-Ming - Thereʹs really no better place to end this entire list of heckles, most of which are juvenile dick jokes showcasing the authorʹs inability to get past a 5th graderʹs intellegence level, than with the word Wang. So, there. Call him ʺwangʺ.


Oakland Athletics
Barton, Daric - Way back in 2003, instead of choosing to attend Cal State Fullerton and earn a degree, Barton took a million dollar signing bonus and gave up the opportunity to advance his brain after getting drafted by the Cardinals. Make him regret this decision by reciting all of the useful knowledge you learned in school, leaving out that night of ʺsexual experimentationʺ you had junior year. Donʹt hold up signs though, since Barton most likely doesnʹt know how to read. Blanton, Joe - Odds are that heʹll be moved to a different team before the season starts, but if he hasnʹt, remind him incessantly of how GM Billy Beane really, really wanted to get rid of him but, for some reason or another, no other teams wanted him. Inquire about how it feels to not be wanted by anyone, even the Pirates. Brown, Emil - July 30th, 2007: During a locker room interview with Royals shortstop Tony Pena, Jr., reporter Karen Kornacki was accidentally shot in the face with a BB. The trigger on the gun was pulled by none other than the surprisingly sharpshootinʹ Emil Brown. Go ahead and launch your heckles off that. An extra point will be awarded for every reference to Red Ryder BB guns. Buck, Travis - Like most of the other young Aʹs, Buck is making only the league minimum salary. Ha! Use a graph to illustrate where his earnings compare to, say, teammates Emil Brown or Mark Ellis. Later on in the game, when you use sedate yourself with alcoholic beverages after realizing how much more Buck earns than you, feel free to add a steady stream of phrases containing the curse word that rhymes with Buckʹs last name. (Hint: Itʹs ʺfuckʺ.) Chavez, Eric - Dusting off your Lou Dobbs Halloween costume, pointing at Chavez, and vowing that youʹre coming after him may get you thrown out of the park, but it will also land you an interview on Lou Dobbs Tonight for being such a true American. Crosby, Bobby - A longtime wearer of the ʺsoul patchʺ facial hair modification, Crosby should be alerted (by you) that an announcement was made earlier that day by the National Homosexual Males Society of America, rightfully claiming the ʺsoul patchʺ as another official out-in-the-open way of their constintuency revealing themselves, kinda like the olʹ earing-in-the-right-ear-lobe trick.


Cust, Jack - Admit that while you feel great that he finally made an impact 6 years after he first graced a major league ballfield, you canʹt get your mind off of the many millions he would have made if he would have gotten around to not sucking a little sooner. Sure, better late than never, but better early than late. Denorfia, Chris - According to the Urban Dictionary, one of the definitions of ʺnorfʺ is an insult derived from combining the words ʺnerdʺ and ʺdwarfʺ. While that should be the ideal heckle, if youʹre going that route, youʹll probably have to insert a referencing hyperlink to your voice, which is impossible. Instead, shouting out ʺmore like DeSUCKfia!ʺ should suffice. DiNardo, Lenny - In the same vein: ʺMore like Lenny DiTARDo!ʺ Celebrate any combo-heckles with the above-mentioned ʺDeSUCKfiaʺ with a hearty elevated hand slap to your closest compatriot. Duchscherer, Justin - Known throughout the league as a ʺsoft-tossing finesse pitcherʺ, let him know what everyone else is too scared to say: really, that phrase is just a euphemism for ʺthrowing like a girlʺ. Also, his last name is pronounced duke-SHUR, which you should never speak correctly. Ellis, Mark - Last year, on June 4th, Ellis hit for the cycle. It is the most he will ever accomplish in his life. Everythingʹs downhill from here. To make sure he doesnʹt have to only take your word for it, bring along a psychic, preferably Jamaican, for verification. Gaudin, Chad - Get his hopes up that youʹre cheering for him by loudly screaming his last name (pronounced ʺGo-DANʺ), and then dash them by immediately saying ʺJohnsonʺ, making him think youʹre just a big fan of the Aʹs 1st baseman. Once you get him to wonder if you even notice him out there, since you refuse to even acknowledge his existence, youʹve won. Harden, Rich - See entry for Wood, Kerry. (Cubs) Johnson, Dan - Addressing him as ʺCrockettʺ and inquiring about ʺTubbsʺ should be sufficient fun for the fans in your general area, but take it up a notch by using an abacus to measure the playing time heʹs losing to young phenom Daric Barton. Street, Huston - Fabricate an eyewitness who has first-hand knowledge that Streetʹs first name isnʹt the only place thatʹs one ʺoʺ short. Itʹs also missing in the 59

bedroom, if you catch my drift! (Your drift will be ʺgiving orgasms to girlsʺ.) Suzuki, Kurt - Admit that youʹre not even going to heckle Suzuki, since youʹre not sure if you should swap the names around like Ichiro, or keep them in the right order like the way it happens in your America. If you catch him chuckling at this, attack his heritage by claiming Hawaiiʹs not a real state anyway. Which it isnʹt.


Philadelphia Phillies
Burrell, Pat - Tell him that, usually, Philadelphia fans boo their sports stars out of harmless ribbing, not really with malacious intent. Except when it comes to Burrell. They really hate him. Eaton, Adam - Back in 2001, he accidentally stabbed himself in the stomach while using a knife to open the plastic wrap off a new DVD. Let him know that, while it would have been tragic if he died from the injury, it would have also been hilarious. And, looking back on it, probably better for the teams that signed him over the years. Feliz, Pedro - A new Phillie after spending his entire career with the Giants, Feliz reportedly broke off negotiations with San Francisco, despite receiving a better offer from them, after he was disheartened with their treatment of his during the proceedings. After he gets booed by the Phillies fans, which will be often, ask him if he still thinks it was a good idea. Gordon, Tom - Nicknamed ʺFlashʺ, assume he received the nickname from a girlfriend for a not-so-great reason. Hamels, Cole - Assure Hamels that, yes, you have seen his wife naked in Playboy. Also assure him that, eh, youʹve seen better. Try to have your shirt full of spilled condiments and mouth full of hot dog while delivering the judgement. Howard, Ryan - One of the gameʹs greatest sluggers, let him know that he would have put up historical statistics if he wasnʹt already on the downslope of his career at a surprisingly advanced age. To give him some perspective, use a graph to illustrate that Albert Pujols (a few months younger than Howard) has twice as many home runs already. Comfort Howard by letting him know there is hope yet for him to get in the Hall of Fame. If reincarnation actually exists. Jenkins, Geoff - Inquire whether or not he thinks that the Brewers finally becoming a successful ballclub coinciding with Jenkins no longer being with the team is a coincidence or not. When he explains how instrumental he was during last yearʹs 2nd place finish, laugh as loudly as possible. Kendrick, Kyle - Spend the game telling Kendrick you wish the Phillies would have actually traded him to Japan for Kobayashi Iwamura, a fictional player


teammate Brett Myers told Kendrick heʹd been traded for as part of a preseason prank. Let Kendrick know that, even though Kobayashi isnʹt real, heʹll still probably end up with more wins. Lidge, Brad - Chanting ʺPujolsʺ whenever Lidge is within shouting distance will work well enough. No need to waste your wit on him. Moyer, Jamie - Known for his methodical approach to pitching, the reason his career has lasted as long as it has is because he keeps video recordings of every batter heʹs ever faced. Inquire if he also uses the tapes to jerk off to. Myers, Brett - Dressing up your wife, girlfriend or female relative in a shirt reading ʺI Learned My Lesson, Brettʺ while using makeup to create two black eyes should do the trick. Rollins, Jimmy - Your National League MVP last year, go into a rant about how the voting process is flawed and how many undeserving parties have come away with the award. Then, list all the players who won awards when they really shouldnʹt have. The list should consist entirely of variations on Rollinsʹ name. Romero, J.C. - Going to turn 32 in a few months, let him know about another J.C. whose career derailed once he reached his early 30s: Mr. Christ. Ruiz, Carlos - During the 2006 World Baseball Classic he played for the Panama team, making him a traitor to America and freedom in general. Tell him not to tread on you. Taguchi, So - According to Wikipeda, Taguchi learned how to speak English by watching films like Finding Nemo. Remind him of the scene where Nemoʹs mom dies and laughs when he starts crying. Utley, Chase - An avid environmentalist, tell him to hurry the game up, since you think you left all your lights on at home. Victorino, Shane - From Hawaii, spend the night performing your one-man rendition of the up-to-date plot of Lost. The performance will not only leave Victorino shaken by the confusing nature of the show, but also feel a sense of nostaglia since the series takes place in his homeland. If you time it just right, heʹll shed a tear for his lost youth just as a fly ball is hit in his direction.


Pittsburgh Pirates
Bautista, José - Bautista is known for his versatility, playing center field, right field, left field, 3rd base, shortstop and 2nd base during his career. Wonder aloud if Bautista brings that same versatility to the bedroom, by being either a pitcher or a catcher. Bay, Jason - In 2006, Bay led all National League outfielders in the All Star voting, mostly due to the aggressive PR campaign by the Pirates to get the vote out for Bay. Let Bay know that the team picked the right year for such a campaign, since judging by his current statistics, itʹll be the last All-Star game he ever gets into. Capps, Matt - When pitcher Zach Duke was married in 2007, Capps was bestowed the role of Dukeʹs best man. Bring up the point that, for a best man, Capps has sure been a dick to Duke over the years, blowing 3 of his good buddyʹs wins. Duke, Zach - With the above information handy, suggest that Capps is blowing Dukeʹs wins purposefully because heʹs still upset Dukeʹs wife married him instead of Capps. Gorzelanny, Tom - Nicknamed ʺGonzoʺ, go the other way and call him by the latter half of his last name, ʺLoniʺ. While addressing him, adopt the voice and mustache of Burt Reynolds and call him a variety of insults, all of which are synonymous with ʺwhoreʺ. LaRoche, Adam - While his last name is French, LaRoche is actually 100% Mexican. As such, spend the entire game doing your most derogatory and stereotypical impression of a Frenchman. If possible, perform the impression from the stadiumʹs smoking area. Maholm, Paul - Although he did strike out Billy Crystal when the comedian was on his one-game spring training stint with the Yankees earlier this year, Crystal still fouled off a ball. Thatʹs got to be embarrassing. Marté, Dámaso - Marté has always been highly regarded for his stuff, but for some reason or another, doesnʹt have the mental makeup to get those allimportant last 3 outs of a game. Make a graph displaying the amount of money


heʹs currently making versus the amount heʹd be making as a closer, which is much, much, much more. McLouth, Nate - According to RhymeZone, the surname of ʺMcLouthʺ is a very rare one, currently the 50,472nd popular in America. Ask Nate how he feels about being so unpopular. Mientkiewicz, Doug - For someone known as a gritty, tough, likable player, Doug sure has been with a lot of teams during his career. Give him two options for that kind of mobility: either heʹs in such demand that teams are continually jockeying for his services, or heʹs a bit more of a dick than previously thought. Seeing how he would only give up the famous World Series ball from 2004 to the Red Sox after a lengthy legal process, assume itʹs the latter. Morris, Matt - Morris won the Comeback Player of the Year award back in 2001 after coming back from Tommy John surgery and having a Cy Young-caliber season (he finished 3rd in the voting). Unfortunately, itʹs been nothing but downhill since then. Suggest another Tommy John surgery, whether he needs it or not. Nady, Xavier - Last year, Nady was tested for Crohnʹs disease because he felt stomach pains and the disease ran in his family. Although the tests came back negative, suggest that Nagy wear a diaper while running the bases just in case. Paulino, Ronny - During his rookie season last year, Paulino become the 1st rookie catcher since Mike Piazza to hit over .310 in at least 100 at-bats. Comment that, from where youʹre sitting, it looks like Paulino shares another trait with Mike Piazza, namely his ability to fully digest a penis. Rivas, Luis - Ask him what type of moisterizer he uses on his hands, because they sure are soft, especially when he casually turns that double play ball. The only thing, if you could make a suggestion, would be getting a manicure. His cuticles are, like, completely ragged. Sanchez, Freddy - Winner of the 2006 Tony Conigliaro Award, given to the player who best overcomes an obstacle or adversity to succeed, Sanchez took home the honor because he was born with a right club foot and a severely pigeon-toed left foot. Dredge up an old painful memory by paying a high-priced escort to dress up as the head cheerleader and ask Sanchez to dance. While she does, have another dozen high-priced escorts stand behind her and giggle at the 64

mock proposal. Snell, Ian - According to Wikipedia, for some reason or another, from 2001-to2003, Snell went by the name Ian Oquendo, his wifeʹs last name. This, somehow, makes him less of a man. Remind him of this every chance you get. Wilson, Jack - If you squint just right, Wilson looks kind of like Steve-O of Jackass fame. Except with a little less intelligence.


St. Louis Cardinals
Ankiel, Rick - Donʹt you think heʹs been through enough already? Just leave him alone. No? Fine, then be a dick, dress up like Freud, and ask him if heʹs ready to discuss the mental issues that led to his downfall in the 2000 playoffs. When he refuses to respond, run down a list of possible mental trauma, all of which will be sexually in nature. Carpenter, Chris - Carpenter wonʹt be around much after undergoing Tommy John surgery last year, but if you do get the chance, itʹs best to make him aware of one of the lesser-known side effects of the surgery. Namely, anal leakage. Clement, Matt - His career has drastically gone downhill ever since being hit in the head with a line drive in 2005. As such, the right move is reminding him of the inherent danger that comes with standing a mere 60 feet away, and directly in front, of someone hitting a baseball. In fact, there are plenty of occupations that carry less risk, like an Alaskan crab fisherman. Duncan, Chris - A big chewer of tobacco, reenact one of those annoying whiny commercials, ideally one about tobacco use leading to low birth weights for babies, because nothingʹs funnier than skinny preemies. Glaus, Troy - Another player cited in the Mitchell Report, remind him that, no matter how large his muscles get, his wife always love her horse more than him. (Sheʹs a professional equestrian!) Gonzalez, Juan - Thereʹs just about no chance heʹs going to see time on the field this year, since he sucks and all, but if he does, taunt him with his usual nickname of ʹJuan Goneʹ, this time with heavy implications that the only item ʹgoneʹ is his skill. To get this point across, you might need to use a run-on sentence. Isringhausen, Jason - Ask a friend loudly if he thinks that whenever Izzy sees the 2006 World Championship ring he owns, whether or not it makes him feel like a fraud, seeing as he didnʹt help the team at all that year. In fact, you should state that, theoretically, if Izzy was completely healthy, the team might not have won anything at all that year. Izturis, Cesar - Before finding his way to the Cardinals earlier this year, the


Pirates refused to pick up his option coming into this year. The Pirates. The Pittsburgh Pirates. The worst team in baseball and possibly all of sports. They didnʹt want him. This is a fact that should be brought up often. Kennedy, Adam - Ignore that heʹs not directly related to The Kennedys and create a visual timeline of the infamous Kennedy Curse -- which is surprisingly extensive -- leaving ample room at the end of your poster to show the most recent cursed event: Adam Kennedy Being Born. Looper, Braden - Seeing as itʹs too rare for a player to have a first-initial, lastname combo that Braden has, dust off your best Marv Albert costume and deliver a running commentary in the Hall of Fame broadcasterʹs voice, awarding B-Looper every one of this yearʹs Albert Achievement Awards. You can also win fans over by suggesting Looperʹs back looks mighty tasty, almost good enough to bite repeatedly. Ludwick, Ryan - Born in the small, population-10,000 island town of Satellite Beach, Florida, odds are good that Ludwick spent much of his childhood having nightmares about drowning. Play on these fears by wearing life preservers, occasionally spraying him with water, and loudly reading passages from Natasha: The Biography of Natalie Wood. Molina, Yadier - Owner of one of the strongest defensive arms in all of baseball, hint that you have an idea of how he built such a quick throwing arm, and that idea involves a hidden addiction to masturbation. Mulder, Mark - Holding up a large laminated poster of Mulder, Barry Zito and Tim Hudson during their glory days in Oakland while singing a heartfelt rendition of Barbra Streisandʹs ʹThe Way We Wereʹ should work. Piñeiro, Joel - While most folks will humorously mock his first name, take a different route and make fun of the tilde in his last name, possibly by comparing it to a sperm, an item you should assume Joe-EL(!) has a low count of. Pujols, Albert - Last year, Pujols became a U.S. citizen after scoring a perfect 100 on the citizenship test. Congratulate him on this dorky acheivement in a mildy sarcastic tone, making him question the sincerity of your words. Reyes, Anthony - Thereʹs a word for players who refuse to curve the bills of their ballcap. That word is dork. Or nerd. Or geek. Or retard. Or weirdo. Or skank. Or 67

dildo. Or douchebag. Or tool. Or, in Britain, cunt. Or hillbilly. Or Philistine. Or girlie man. Or flaming homo. Or dumbass. Or dumb motherfucker. Or ass. Or asshole. Or, to use one that brings back many horrible memories, palsy. So, apparently there are quite a few words for those kinds of people. Use one of those. Wainwright, Adam - A practicing Christian, get in his head by alternately reading passages from Darwinʹs On the Origin of Species and lawsuits brought against Christian evangelical preachers, which are plentiful.


San Diego Padres
Bard, Josh - Bard was catching for pitcher Clay Hensley when he gave up recordtying home run number 755 to Barry Bonds last year. Thank him for ruining the sport of baseball forever by letting the bad guy win. Barrett, Michael - Spending the entire game alternating between yelling ʺZambranoʹs better!ʺ and ʺPierzynskiʹs better!ʺ should do the trick. When Barrett rides the pine -- which should be often -- throw in a ʺBardʹs better!ʺ when it feels right. Edmonds, Jim - Known for his gritty, old-time, ʺschool of hard knocksʺ style of play, let Edmonds know that if he was born during an earlier era, he might have fit right in. Except for that whole ʺwearing eyeliner during every gameʺ thing he does. Germano, Justin - His last name is presumably Spanish for ʺGermanʺ, meaning you should alternate between making fun of Germanyʹs Great Embarassment during WWII and by proclaiming that America does need that Southern border fence. Giles, Brian - A player with 35+ home run power during a 5-year span from ʹ99 to ʹ04, create a make-believe fantasy world for him where the vast outfield of Petco Park didnʹt sap him of statistics, giving him a realistic chance at 400 career homers, and hell, maybe even an outside shot at the Hall of Fame. Instead, in the real world, heʹs merely known as the Giles brother whoʹs not on steroids. Gonzalez, Adrian - A devout church-goer, ask him if he can translate a Bible passage youʹre having trouble comprehending, specifically Leviticus 20:18: ʺAnd if a man shall lie with a woman having her sickness, and shall uncover her nakedness; he hath discovered her fountain, and she hath uncovered the fountain of her blood: and both of them shall be cut off from among their people.ʺ Inquire if this was put in for an actual religious reason, or just as an excuse for men to skip out during Aunt Flowʹs monthly visit? Greene, Khalil - A practicer of the Baháʹí Faith, which is a Persian religion that emphasizes the spiritual unity of all humankind, let him know that you actually follow certain tenants of their teachings, specifically becoming united with the female members of his family. With your penis.


Hairston, Scott - Hairston comes from a long line of ballplayers, the longest in baseball history according to games played. Unfortunately, just like the old days of analog cassettes, a copy-of-a-copy-of-a-copy tends to lose some of its quality, the Hairston family being no exception. Illustrate this point by dramatically unspooling a bunch of VHS tapes. Hensley, Clay - While it makes sense Hensley would serve up a juicy pitch to Barry Bonds for his record-tying home run -- if only because heʹd have a footnote in the history books -- it makes more sense after realizing Hensley himself was suspended in 2005 for taking steroids. And since it looks like juicers stick together, dress up like Jack Lalanne and go down the list of items that are juicable. Somewhere on the list should be Hensleyʹs ass. Hoffman, Trevor - Busting out your video iPod and playing a looped version of Hoffmanʹs blown save against the Rockies during last yearʹs Game 163 should suffice. Iguchi, Tadahito - Since his English still needs some work, spend a majority of your time explaining what a ʺgoochʺ exactly is. Hint: Itʹs synonymous with ʺgrundleʺ and probably full of sweat right now. Kouzmanoff, Kevin - Known as ʺThe Crushinʹ Russianʺ -- despite not being Russian at all -- perfect your best Senator Joseph McCarthy impression and spend the game questioning his political affiliations, eventually concluding that heʹs a Communist and should be black-listed. Maddux, Greg - Letʹs not mince words here. Maddux, one of the greatest pitchers in the history of the game, possibly the best pitcher in the past 20 years and a shoe-in first ballot Hall of Famer, looks kind of like he has Down Syndrome. McAnulty, Paul - Tell him that while youʹre happy heʹs stopped his womanizing and manipulation of crime scene evidence, you canʹt for the life of you figure out what heʹs going to do now that heʹs been kicked off the Baltimore PD. After you get his attention with this seeming non-sequitur, go on a 3-hour-long rant about how the press is no longer a worthwhile American institution. Meredith, Cla - One of the more effective relievers in the majors, Meredith throws with a sidearm thrower. Unfortunately for Meredith, this isnʹt due to a 70

conscious decision on his part, but because itʹs the motion he uses during his more intimate moments with himself, which he partakes in often. And now itʹs stuck like that. Peavy, Jake - Currently, the best pitcher in baseball, perhaps itʹs best to leave him alone. If you need to heckle him somehow, make fun of him liking ʺLarry the Cable Guyʺ, who completely sucks, with or without his fake accent. Prior, Mark - Comment to a friend, as loudly as possible, that for all the hype about Priorʹs perfect pitching mechanics early on in his career, they really havenʹt amounted to anything, have they? When he overhears this and looks your way, premiere a cover version of the hit song from The Simpsons, ʺDo The Bartmanʺ. Wolf, Randy - With the knowledge that Randyʹs older brother is a major league umpire, make your case that the pair are similar to the classic films Teen Wolf and Teen Wolf Too!, in that second one to come out completely sucked. Young, Chris - Inquire about what happened to his acting career, seeing as you loved him in PCU and Book of Love. Perhaps others were unable to take him seriously because of his boyish good looks and foppish hair.


San Francisco Giants
Aurilia, Rich - Known for his active role in the Make-A-Wish Foundation, let him know that if you were dying of a terminal disease, your first wish would be to no longer be dying of the disease. But your second wish would be that Aurilia finally retires. Cain, Matt - Despite having an above-average ERA of 3.65 last year, Cain was credited with a 7-16 record after a horrendous streak of bad luck. Tell Matt that, while you understand wins and losses are a statistic based generally on luck, itʹs still weird that his teammates hate him so much. Correia, Kevin - A graduate of Grossmont High School, another famous alumnus of the school is David Leisure, best known for his role as Joe Isuzu, the fictional pathological liar who starred in the popular Isuzu commercials during the 80s. As such, dress up like a used car salesman and make outrageous false claims about Correiaʹs playing abilities. Something like ʺYou are good enough to be in the major leaguesʺ is a nice way to start. Durham, Ray - A big fan of his own nickname ʺRay-Rayʺ, conclude that since he enjoys it so much, he wonʹt mind if you make a small adjustment to it, namely changing the Rs to Gs. Frandsen, Kevin - As of this writing, Frandsen has not updated his MLB Blog, ʺFrannie on the Farmʺ, since October 15th, 2006. Inquire if Frandsen thinks that just because heʹs now in the majors he could get away with leaving an orphaned blog on the Internet. Also, ask if his feces have any odor associated with them, ʹcause you heard he thought otherwise. Hennessey, Brad - Back in 2002, Hennessey had a cancerous tumor removed from his back, meaning you should come to the game dressed as the tumor, yelling ʺyou canʹt get rid of meʺ, ʺIʹm a part of youʺ, and ʺdonʹt turn your back to me ... unless youʹre offering it as another invitation?ʺ Kline, Steve - Mostly relegated to mop-up duty at this point in his career, youʹll see plenty of Kline this season since the team will be involved in plenty of lopsided games, and not the good kind. When heʹs out there, spend ample opportunity acting like Yorvit Torrealba and make fun of his 84 MPH fastball.


Lewis, Fred - Ask how his cousin, Matt Lawton, is doing now that he doesnʹt have a team to play for. And then ask if Lawton has come asking for money from Lewis yet, money heʹll probably use for steroids. Lincecum, Tim - Nicknamed ʺThe Franchiseʺ, write and deliver an eloquent essay on the subject of how retail chains and Big Businesses in general are killing the heart of America by closing down all the mom-and-pop shops. Pay special attention to the mom-and-pop video stores, the only ones with the balls to carry porn. Lowry, Noah - Before spring training, it was a foregone conclusion that Lowry, once he proved he was healthy, would be starting the year on the South Side of Chicago after being dealt for Joe Crede. The only problem was that Lowry didnʹt recover, and in fact now needs surgery on his forearm. And while itʹs nice that Lowry is still in San Francisco, itʹs a good idea to let him know Credeʹs up-todate stats, if only to act as a reminder that the Giants clearly love him more. Molina, Bengie - When the rumormongerers say Molina is one of the slowest baserunners in all of baseball, what they really mean to say is that heʹs a slow adults. Roberts, Dave - Best known for stealing that base during the Red Sox amazing comeback against the Yankees in the 2004 ALCS, blame Roberts for being the leading cause of the general obnoxiousness of Red Sox Nation. This should get the rest of the fans on your side and then theyʹll do whatever you say. Use your power wisely. Rowand, Aaron - An avid Bears fan, bring a list of all 21 quarterbacks that the Monsters of the Midway have gone through while the Packers have relied on the consistent hand of Brett Favre. His eyes should tear up by the time you reach Moses Moreno. Sanchez, Jonathan - One of the top prospects in all of baseball, Sanchez has an amazing pitching repertoire that has, in some cases, been described of as ʺdirtyʺ. Create a nickname by taking this word and combining it with his last name. Vizquel, Omar - While it seems the well-publicized feud with ex-teammate Jose Mesa has cooled down a bit, you should spend the afternoon invoking Mesaʹs name every chance you get, specifically when referencing how much of a better dancer he is. 73

Wilson, Brian - Named after the legendary Beach Boy, give him an aural biography of his namesake, taking extreme pleasure in telling tales from that whole ʺgoing crazyʺ period. Winn, Randy - A college roommate of Steve Nash, you might want to point out that heʹs having a much, much, much, much better career than Winn. Zito, Barry - As a way to support soldiers wounded in military operations, Zito created the charity Strikeouts for Troops, to which he donates $400 for every strikeout he throws. Seeing as his strikeout totals have decreased over the past 3 years, inquire why Zito has started hating the troops.


Seattle Mariners
Batista, Miguel - Last year, Batista wrote a thriller novel entitled The Avenger of Blood. Start by explaining how much you enjoyed his book, especially the part at the end where you found out the killer was ______. It doesnʹt matter what name you use; fans nearby will believe you just ruined the ending for them, keeping them by purchasing the novel and costing Batista untold millions in revenue! Bedard, Erik - Originally from Canada, warn Bedard that he better be cautious down here: We donʹt have free universal health care like some folks. Beltré, Adrián - In order to help his defensive range, Beltré has decided to forgo wearing a protective cup because he finds them uncomfortable and they affect his running. Luckily, and this is something you should point out, he doesnʹt need one. Because he doesnʹt have a penis. Betancourt, Yuniesky - Another Cuban defector, he was illegally smuggled into the U.S. way back in 2003. Spend much of the game contemplating how large his smugglerʹs asshole must have been to fit Betancourt inside of it. Close by asking him if heʹs been able to get the stench off yet. Dickey, R.A. - One of the greatest names in all of baseball, just sit back, take a breather, and let those around you make fun of Dickeyʹs last name when he takes the mound. Which will not be often. Hernández, Félix - Possibly given the royal nickname of ʺKing Felixʺ a bit too prematurely in his young career, suggest an alternative like, say, Countess von Felix. Follow this up by calling for his beheading after every time he gives up a hit. Ibáñez, Raúl - In the past two years, heʹs put up arguably the greatest stats of his long career. Itʹs not unheard of, but kind of strange that a player would turn the corner at 34 years old, an age when most playersʹ skills start diminishing. In fact, itʹs a little too strange. From here, concoct a Twilight Zone-esque story about the deal Raúl made with someone who may or may not be the devil. (Spoiler: he is) Johjima, Kenji - Trying as hard as possible to learn English in order to be a more effective catcher, warn Johjima about another person of Asian persuasion who tried to learn English: Jin from Lost. And his wife cheated on him!


López, José - Make him aware that youʹre not even going to bother heckling him, since heʹs the 2nd-best 2nd-baseman named José on the team. Plus, you canʹt find any dirt on him. Putz, J.J. - When he comes in the 9th inning for his closing duties, Putz runs to the mound while AC/DCʹs ʺThunderstruckʺ plays on the stadiumʹs loudspeakers. He is the 3,487th pitcher to use that song as his entrance music. Recognize the lameness in his unoriginality and begin suggesting alternatives. Number one on your list: ʺIʹm Coming Outʺ by Diana Ross. Reed, Jeremy - Whereas the recognition of Arizonaʹs Chris Young is frowned upon because of his inclusion in Kenny Williamsʹ Folly, feel free to heckle this exWhite Sock as much as you want. If he ever finds his way back into the starting lineup. Sexson, Richie - At 6-foot-6, Sexson is the tallest position player in MLB history. Ask Richie if itʹs true what the old saying says about tall men and their genitals. When he doesnʹt respond, assume that heʹs the exception to that rule. Silva, Carlos - Last year, his son was born one hour after teammateʹs Juan Rinconʹs son, meaning the kidʹs going to spend the rest of his life getting beat up by the Younger Rincon. Suggest that, if he really loved his son, he would have paid the doctors some under-the-table cash to push the delivery up a few hours. Suzuki, Ichiro - The first MLB player to be inducted into the Golden Players Club, Japanʹs baseball hall of fame, spend the game spamming those around you with pamphlets and verbal diatribes about the legitimacy of Ron Paul as a presidential candidate. When theyʹve gotten sufficiently annoyed at your unrealistic arguments, explain that youʹre doing this all on Ichiroʹs behalf, since heʹs evidently a huge fan of the Gold Standard. The fans will then focus their anger on the outfielder, who will presumably be maimed. Vidro, José - One of the most patient hitters in the league, Vidro has never struck out more than 70 times in a season. Opine that this is probably because he saves all of his striking out for the ladies. Washburn, Jarrod - One of the most underrated pitchers around, let him know that you really appreciate the great work heʹs been doing out there for years now. Once you realize itʹs actually Washburn out there and not Roy Halladay, exclaim 76

ʺoh!ʺ and take back every complement you previously gave. Wilkerson, Brad - While he has never been married, Wilkerson has two daughters. Inquire throughout the entire game about how this can be because, for the life of you, you canʹt figure out how two children can come into existence except through the love and devotion of a happily married couple. Unless itʹs one of those strange Biblical miracles. And, if thatʹs the case, are one of his two girls the Second Coming? Is the other one jealous?


Tampa Bay Rays
Aybar, Willy - Admit that itʹs too bad he got hurt this year, seeing as now that the Rays brought up top propsect Evan Longoria to take over for the injured Aybar, heʹs never going to get his job back again. Ever. Baldelli, Rocco - Whenever you see him, which will be rare, immediately make a point of paging Dr. House. Bartlett, Jason - Part of the trade that brought pitcher Matt Garza to the Rays and sent young phenom Delmon Young to the Twins, ask Bartlett how it feels to be the least gifted quantity in a blockbuster trade like that one. Crawford, Carl - One of the best players in the majors when you just consider his statistics, Crawford would be an Alex Rodriguez level superstar if he was playing on just about any other team than the Rays. Console him by reminding Crawford that all 300 of the Rays fans really like him. Thatʹs got to be worth something. Floyd, Cliff - During his long 16-year career, Floyd has only played 1535 of a possible 2450 games. Suggest that maybe itʹs time to be involved in a less strenuous sport, something along the lines of ʺcompetitive sleepingʺ. Garza, Matt - Compare Garza to the player he was recently traded for, Delmon Young, making a point to let Garza know that he certainly needs to have one hell of a career to make it close to being a fair trade. Thatʹs how good Young is going to be. Gomes, Jonny - At the age of 22, in 2002, he suffered a heart attack and nearly died. Wonder if the condition was really solved, or if it was just a sign that hig heart can stop at any minute, like now! Continue to say now! throughout the rest of the game. Hammel, Jason - According to his eerily limited Wikipedia profile, Hammelʹs girlfriend originally comes from Rhode Island, making it extremely likely that sheʹs racist. Ask him when the Klan meeting is. Hinske, Eric - From 2001 to 2003, the three winners of the American League Rookie of the Year award were, in order, Ichiro Suzuki, Hinske, and Angel


Berroa. Let him know that one of these three is not like the others, and, more damaging, the other two are exactly the same. Iwamura, Akinori - ʺAkiʺ holds the Japanese record for most strikeouts in a season with 173 in 2004. Use this to attack his honor. However, before you do, make sure all swords are locked away. Jackson, Edwin - Born in Germany, bring up painful memories from his childhood by coming to the game in a black leotard and blasting homemade techno music. Kazmir, Scott - During his appearance in the 2006 All Star Game, Kazmir was flown to the game by fellow All Star Alex Rodriguez. Wonder aloud what exactly Kazmir had to do to get such a perk. When going through possible scenarios, make sure all of them involve some kind of homosexual activity. Longoria, Evan - Let him no that, no matter how hard he tries, heʹll just never be a viable film actress. Instead, he should be happy enough with a hit TV show and being able to spend every night with that dreamy Tony Parker. Navarro, Dionar - His nickname ʺLittle Pudgeʺ comes from his resemblance to future Hall of Fame Tigers catcher Ivan Rodriguez. At least thatʹs what he was told. Break the bad news that, in actuality, he got his nickname from his lessthan-ample genital size. Niemann, Jeff - His last name rhymes with ʺsemenʺ, which should be enough information to get you through his brief stint in the majors. Peña, Carlos - Long thought to be an up-and-coming star, Peña never really caught on anywhere until last year with the Rays, his 6th season in the big leagues. Admit that while itʹs a nice story heʹs finally broken past the barrier and become a viable major league option, it must suck to do so when youʹre already on the downslope of your career. When you realize how much money he makes anyway, heckle someone else. Percival, Troy - Technically part of the World Series runner-up Tigers team of 2006 despite never once throwing a pitch during the season, console Percival with the fact that, somewhere in the galactic vortex of alternate universes, Percival is healthy enough to actually pitch in the World Series. But, even in that universe, they still lose because he sucks. 79

Reyes, Al - On April 10th, Reyes got in a bar fight in South Tampa and was tased twice by police. Create a dramatic interpretations of the event, complete with props, lighting, sound effects, and at least five plot twists. Ruggiano, Justin - He was born in Austin, Texas, making him an Americanhating tree-hugging hippy. Protest him. Shields, James - Shields is San Francisco Giants outfielder Aaron Rowandʹs first cousin, someone who not only has a World Series ring, but is also making a whole lot money than him, although not a large enough amount as to make Rowand feel obligated to buy him things. Thatʹs the worst possible scenario. Sonnanstine, Andy - A graduate of Wadsworth High School in Wadsworth, Ohio, use this as an excuse to finally premiere your one-man play based on the brilliant film Clue. Make sure to hum all the music and close with the line ʺone plus two plus two plus one is ...ʺ Upton, B.J. - His real name is ʺMelvin Emanuelʺ, which oddly has neither a ʺBʺ or a ʺJʺ in it. Suggest that he was given his first name because he mixed up the ʺnameʺ and ʺhobbiesʺ section on one of his forms.


Texas Rangers
Benoit, Joaquín - In 2002, Benoit got the longest save in major league history, pitching the final 7 innings of a game. For some reason, the official scorer refused to give Benoit the win for the game, even though he could have easily done so. Bring up the fact that, perhaps if the official scorer had given him a win instead of a save, Benoit could have been seen as a starter instead of a bullpen arm, in the process earning millions more dollars and impregnating dozens more women on the merits of his fame and prestige alone. Blalock, Hank - Recently diagnosed with Thoracic outlet syndrome, which is a disorder that affects the nerves which pass from the neck to the arms, tell him not to think about this too much since, you know, itʹs not like nerves running through your neck are important or anything. Botts, Jason - Since we havenʹt done one of these in awhile, how about ʺMore like Jason Notts!ʺ Not good enough? Fine. Fuck you, jerks. Bradley, Milton - Simply being an umpire seems to be enough to get under his skin, so don a costume, sit in his line of sight, and wait patiently for him to explode. Make sure to wear bulletproof armor underneath. Broussard, Ben - One of those annoying kinds of players who spend their free time trying to be rock stars by recording music, one of his songs was featured in the A&E show ʺDog the Bounty Hunterʺ, making Broussard a racist by association. Let him know youʹre going to alert the NAACP. Byrd, Marlon - If anyone near you has trouble pronouncing his last name, just tell them it rhymes with ʺturdʺ, which is kind of ironic. You think. Youʹre not really sure what ironic means. Catalanotto, Frank - Suggest that he add a few more vowels into his last name, seeing as itʹs not like he already has enough of them already or anything. Finish the heckle by added, ʺJeez!ʺ Gabbard, Kason - Point out that it certainly musnʹt feel too good being traded midseason from a team that goes on to win the World Series. Then again, if he stayed on the team thereʹs no assurance that they would have gone on to win anything at all. Gabbard sucks that much.


Guardado, Eddie - Seeing as heʹs only pitched in 46 games over the past 3 years, perhaps itʹs time to change the ʺEvery Day Eddieʺ nickname. Suggest something along the lines of ʺEvery Day Except Those That End In Y Eddieʺ. Hamilton, Josh - Start each inning off by offering him a type of drug, the strength of the drug getting progressively stronger as the game goes on. By the 9th inning, heʹll be off the wagon. Kinsler, Ian - According to one of those fluff sports page pieces, Kinsler has been asked to sign autographs on a diaper, a neck brace, a yarmulke, a kidʹs arm and a giant baseball. Ask him to sign his John Hancock on one more place, your own John Hancock. In case it isnʹt clear what you mean, point towards your genitals. Jennings, Jason - Suggest that perhaps Jennings would have had a better career if he didnʹt pitch in three of the most extreme hitters ballparks in the majors: Colorado begat Houston begat his current place of business in Texas. Perhaps itʹs time to fire that agent of his. Laird, Gerald - Let him know that, no matter how well he performs, that young Saltalamacchia fella currently toiling in the minors is going to have his job sooner or later. Offer to help update his resume. McCarthy, Brandon - Let him know that, as of April 18th when this was written, no one in America liked him enough to pony up the $10 it costs to sponsor a playerʹs page on John Danks, on the other hand, has a sponser. Thatʹs got to sting a little. Millwood, Kevin - In 1997, he was part of one of the greatest starting rotations of all time for the Atlanta Braves, including himself, Tom Glavine, Greg Maddux, and John Smoltz. Of the four, only one of them will not be in the Hall of Fame. Ask Millwood if he can guess which one. Murphy, David - He shares a birthday with hunky teen dreamboat Zac Effron. As such, confuse the two and continually ask Murphy to autograph your copy of Teen Beat. Padilla, Vicente - Inquire about whatever happened to his fan section ʺPadillaʹs Flotillaʺ, because, when you were looking around the stadium, you werenʹt able to find it. In fact, you werenʹt able to find any fans of Padillaʹs. Odd. 82

Saltalamacchia, Jarrod - According to Wikipedia, Jarrod is married to a woman 14 years older then him, who just so happened to work as a teacher in his high school. If you canʹt think of something witty from this piece of information, youʹve let us all down. Wilson, C.J. - A follower of the ʺStraight Edgeʺ lifestyle, spend the afternoon calling him various names synonymous with vagina. Young, Michael - Get under his skin by referring to him as Michael ʺNot Soʺ Young ʺAnymoreʺ. And then laugh and laugh at your wit, until you realize that you yourself are also not so young anymore, making this exercise in heckling more and more depressing as you realize what a waste your life has become. At this point you will come to a second realization about why baseball stadiums can charge so much for alcohol: because no matter the cost, you will be drinking mightily that night.


Toronto Blue Jays
Burnett, A.J. – Inquire about the many tattoos that Burnett has, and then when he begins to launch into a detailed story about how this-or-that tattoo holds a deep significance to him because of blah-blah-blah, loudly proclaim ʺWow, you are not interesting at allʺ and walk away. Eckstein, David - Known as a ʺhard-nosed playerʺ, Ecksteinʹs nose isnʹt the only thing hard about him, ladies. His elbows are also hard. As are his knees. If you can possibly think of another part of the male anatomy that would also be comical if it were hard, go ahead and scream out a heckle with that. Halladay, Roy –During midseason surgery last year, Halladay had his appendix removed and left for dead. Dress up as his appendix and spend the entire evening asking how he could have abandoned you. Feel free to come up with a clever back story about growing up in an orphanage, running away to the San Fernando Valley, and eventually having to make ends meet by starring in homoerotic films like Appendicks! Hill, Aaron - His appearances at second base, shortstop, third base, and designated hitter during his short career mean one thing: Hill canʹt make up his mind. Use this OCD-esque tick to make him second-guess every decision heʹs made that day, from trying to make that double-play, to having orange juice with his toast, to his recent marriage. That last one should rattle him for a few innings. Johnson, Reed – Consistently among the leaders in being hit by pitches, Johnson thinks it’s just because he crowds the plate. It’s not. It’s because the opposing pitchers hate him. As does his mother. Litsch, Jesse – Seeing as he constantly has to deal with looking as dorky as he does in his official MLB profile photo, it might be best to leave poor Jesse alone. In fact, it might be a good idea to let the rest of your section know how strongly you feel about this by handing out color copies of his mug, detailing exactly what makes him look so Opie-esque. Marcum, Shaun – Oddly enough, if you split his last name in two, the second half is synonymous with ejaculate. Use that information how you see fit. McGowan, Dustin – While not technically related to actress Rose McGowan, you


should remind him that, most likely, all McGowans were, at some point or another, related to each other. At least, that’s what you told Rose, who agreed never to have sex with him now after hearing the news. Overbay, Lyle – Fake an ear issue that, for some reason or another, always makes it sound like the P.A. announcer is calling up to bat some first baseman named Lyle Overgay. Rios, Alex - According to some kind of fielding statistic, Alex Rios had the lowest ʺrangeʺ out of all the right fielders in the league. While it would take too much research to figure out exactly what this stat means, as long as you somehow incorporate it into a crack about the weight of his maternal parent, youʹll be fine. Rolen, Scott - Any heckle should work if you speak it from behind your Larry Bowa and Tony LaRussa masks. Ryan, B.J. – Stay away from the obvious immature route and just address him by his middle name: Oral-Copulation. Thomas, Frank - A college teammate of promotional superstar Bo Jackson, Thomas should be overjoyed when you tell him you have a message from Jackson regarding another subject Bo has knowledge of. Thomas should lose his mirth when he learns the message is that Thomas sucks. Wells, Vernon – At the top of your lungs, and within earshot of Wells, sing ʺHappy Birthdayʺ to Reed Johnson, completely ignoring the fact that Vernon shares the same birthdate. If Wells asks why youʹre snubbing him, reply by feigning that you didn’t see him there, under that enormous pile of money he stole from the team last year, after signing that huge contract and not producing at all. Zaun, Gregg – It might be tricky, but when addressing Zaun, make sure to not pronounce the last ʺgʺ in his first name.


Washington Nationals
Belliard, Ronnie - After the 2006 World Series, a woman tried to extort $150,000 from Belliard after accusing him of impregnating her. What the woman didnʹt count on however, and itʹs something you should mention, is that Belliard canʹt impregnate women. Because heʹs a eunuch. Bergmann, Jason - With just a few long nights of investigative Internet journalism -- filling in the blanks with your own blatant lies -- you can easily trace Bergmannʹs lineage all the way back to Frank Hitler, Adolfʹs dad. This seems like just the right note of controversy to use against him. Chico, Matt - Suggest that it might be best to just make it official and add a short vertical line on the right side of the last letter of his name. Cordero, Chad - Known for his completely flat bill-cap, make Cordero aware that it always makes him look like the goofiest dork on the field, even if they happen to be playing against Jesse Litschʹs Blue Jays. Demand his lunch money. Dukes, Elijah - You shouldnʹt need any advice here: Start with the multiple arrests, and close with his tales of violence against women. Estrada, Johnny - Pretend to be his biggest fan by fitting yourself into tight jeans, growing a thick head of hair, visiting the tanning machine, and telling Estrada you have your standard issue California Highway Patrol motorcycle parked outside. Guzmán, Cristian - Really, for an 8-year veteran itʹs shocking how no one really cares about Guzmán at all, about anything. Heʹs barely noticed out there on the field by the normal fans and participants in fantasy leagues even ignore him. You should follow suit. Harris, Willie - During his time with the White Sox, Harris was given the nickname ʺPeapodʺ by famed announcer Ken ʺThe Hawkʺ Harrelson, although no one is sure why he settled on that name. Hazard a guess that perhaps itʹs because Harrelson walked into the locker room at an inopportune time one evening, happening upon a nude Harris and his oddly shaped testicles. Hill, Shawn - Born on the exact same day as Jessica Alba, be honest and let Hill


know that there is no chance she would ever have sex with him. Maybe if she loses a lot of her looks because of her current pregnancy. But even then, probably not. Johnson, Nick - He missed the entire 2007 season after sustaining a broken femur during a collision with right fielder Austin Kearns. Kearns, meanwhile, came back from the collision after only missing a brief period of time and ended hitting for career highs in 2007. As such, spend a whole lot of time comparing the two players, making special note of how Johnson is a much bigger pussy. Kearns, Austin - Spread the rumor that the real reason fans have nicknamed him ʺAustin Powersʺ is because, after a very promising start, heʹs gotten increasingly worse with each go-round, no matter how many midget jokes he makes. Lo Duca, Paul - In 2006, Lo Ducaʹs wife, a former Playboy model, filed for divorce. Suggest that really he shouldnʹt have been surprised by the divorce, itʹs just an example of the universe performing one of its ʺcorrectionsʺ. Lopez, Felipe - Currently the bearer of the number 2 on his jersey, suggest itʹs because he plays like the bodily function of the same name. Milledge, Lastings - He was reportedly given his unique first name because his mom knew he would be her last child. She knew this because, from there on out, there were nothing but abortions. Which were plentiful. (The heavy implication here is that even after Lastingsʹ birth, she still had a whole lot of intercourse.) Peña, Wily Mo - Last year, Wily Mo got all philanthropic by helping out educate Latinos about the dangers of type-2 diabetes. Interrogate him about why exactly he loves type-1 diabetes so much. Doesnʹt he think thatʹs bad too? Pérez, Odalis - Assume that his middle name is Paul, allowing you to explain that his initials are definitely something you are not down with. He knows you. Rauch, Jon - Dredging up past memories of grammar school bullies calling the 6ʹ11ʹʹ pitcher a ʺFreak!ʺ If you go too far and Rauch starts crying, cheer him up by reminding him of his presumably enormous penis. Redding, Tim - Redding is the nephew of actress Joyce Randolph, who played Trixie Norton in the hit TV show The Honeymooners. Wonder aloud if the reason Trixie was the least seen character on the show was because she was too busy 87

icing her face from the heavy beatings Ed would give, which were doubly horrific after the tips famed wife-beated Ralph gave him. Young, Dmitri - While a history of troubles have plagued him off-the-field, he seems to have gotten his act together, meaning you should leave those alone. Instead, judging by his current weight, you should suggest that maybe itʹs time to change his nickname from ʺDa Meat Hookʺ to ʺDa Fruits and Vegetables Hookʺ. Zimmerman, Ryan - One of the brightest young stars of the game, let Young Zim know that his Q score would be 100 times higher if he played on any other team. Itʹs not good being the face of a franchise when that teamʹs fans are wearing bags over theirs.


About the Author Rick Paulas has never written a serious thing in his life, some of which can be found at ESPN the Magazine, McSweeney’s, Chicago Sports Weekly, Flak Magazine, and The Morning News. His complete list of credits can be found at He lives in Los Angeles and is a White Sox fan.