You are on page 1of 16

Contents

City development in a strained housing market p. 6


april 22, 2010 VOLUME 5 Issue 18
Editor-In-Chief Todd Morehead
todd@columbiacitypaper.com

ARTS EDITOR Judit Trunkos


jtrunkos@columbiacitypaper.com

News.Politics.Commentary. colatheater.com
S.M. Baleem, Garrett Kellerhals
regional briefs Man clubs neighbor with snake 3 Design
Letters to the reader Dear Tea Party militia groups, 4 Lindsey Downen
Don’t Panic Are Barack Obama’s nuclear policies making the U.S. safer? 5
a house divided A closer look at affordable housing projects 6 Music
Crawfish festival Preview the band lineup 10 Kingsley Waring, Shelby Sachs
murder by death at new brookland tavern 11
Pg. 11 Publisher
WORDS AND IMAGE BY
SEAN RAYFORD
Paul Blake
paul@columbiacitypaper.com

Arts.Entertainment.Etc. Account Executives


John Gibson, James Wallace
Murder by Death singer/guitarist Adam Turla belts out a song at the New Brookland Tavern in June of 2006. The band recently released it’s fifth full length record, Good Morning
Magpie and will be performing at the New Brookland Tavern Tuesday, April 27 with Linfinity and Ha Ha Tonka from Missouri’s Ozarks and Linfinity from New York City.
soundboard punk/indie/emo/ska/hardcore/metal/rock 10
“You get a bunch of beer, about a case and eggs. My chore today is to purchase Contributors
ging whiskey outside the Lincoln Theatre
are a Level Three wizard. To get to Level
colatheater.com a winter’s tale at usc 12 S.M. Baleem, AndyEight,
Brack, Garrett Kellerhals,
to pass the Ismail
per person. And then a bunch of duct enough booze for the after party we’ve in Raleigh while the band toured with you have to shotgun your seventh
tape,” explains Murder by Death frontman planned for the Braid reunion tour, sup- beer.
Clutch and the most recent Jameson expe- At Level 10, you have
savage love all apologies 14
Adam Turla, describing a favorite summer ported by Murder By Death, Minus the
Lagardien, WR Marshall,
rience with the Gaslight Anthem and
Will Moredock, Ted Rall,
wizard trials, which you have to fight the
pastime of the Bloomington, Indiana quar- Bear and Jet By Day. No tales remain things really start to melt. person who got to 10 beers first.”
jonesin crosswords 14
tet now touring on their fifth full length, from the lock-in that evening. Dan Savage, Kingsley
Then I'm smacking my hands on the Waring,
“At Level Baynard
15, you can fly. At 16 Woods
you
Good Morning Magpie. Then, once again, in June two years can drive, and Level 20 you’re invisible.
wooden floor of New Brookland, attempt-
Derf and Red Meat 15
Suddenly, like one too many shots of later Murder by Death came through the ing to enchant the spirit of Duke's Steve And after that, who knows.”
whiskey to the head, I enter the New Soda City with the not-so-punk rock Wojciechowski, challenging singer Adam Turla warns that the game is best
Sudoku 15
Brookland time machine. Exchange the Americana heroes Lucero, and by the end Columbia
Turla to a wrestling match. Bad idea. City
played outside, Paper
because as you level up it
Quote of the issue: flux capacitor for a bottle of drink and I of the show people are wearing their pants 2965becomes
According to my friends’ memories, my North Main Street
increasingly more difficult to
“I thought he would crash and pass by Marty McFly, Ted of the Wyld
Stallyons, Modern English, Sam Beckett,
as capes, their belts as ties and the finest
ladies exposing their free-flowing breasts
Pg. 12
head ended up in the corner of the pool
table.
move around with your growing staff.
Columbia, SCend29201
“By the when you want to drink,
burn but not this soon!” and H.G. Wells. Water drips from the ceil-
ing and folks wander through the bowels
like ancient Roman times. At some point I
believe a sound engineer was arrested.
803.218.9455
I awake and I've returned from the
time machine, it's 2010 and Good
(dial
you have to havearea code)
other people hold up the
bottom of the staff because you can’t hold
of the dirty pirate ship with drinks in hand “I like boobs, I've got two of them,” Morning Magpie has notched the band the whole thing up.”
and boisterous saloon voices. said Iron Maiden enthusiast and Murder another hole in it's very own alt-folk old- Is it surprising then that Good
Advertisers in Columbia City Paper assume responsibility for the entire content of the advertisements. The first copy of Columbia City Paper isMorning
Bassist Matt Armstrong snags my free. Additional
by Death cello molester Sarah Baillet out-
Magpie copies
is introduced with a song west doom-Americana murder-movie-

are $1 and two-bits each. Views expressed do not necessarily represent the opinions of Columbia City Paper or its publisher. (C) Columbia called
attention from a bench in the back room of
New Brookland while on tour with Baillet
“Kentucky Bourbon” (which
side the back of the club in response to the
CitywrotePaper, LLCher bath
while scrubbing
evening's debauchery.
soundtrack genre with their latest release
Turla continues his story from the
Thursday in June of 2003. Possibly the next morning, I sit on an road in New Mexico on their current tour. tub) and then followed by “As Long as
“Hey Sean, wanna get drunk?” Olympia front porch with Armstrong “You drink a beer and when you finish There is Whiskey in the World?”
The night ends much later after a few enjoying the final two Pabsts of the previ- that beer, you duct tape a fresh beer on top Murder by Death performs at the New
rounds of nut-punching and other retarded ous evening. The band leaves for of it and you keep doing that until you Brookland Tavern on Tuesday, April 27
behavior. Baltimore in about an hour. have a staff. And for every beer you drink, with Linfinity and Ha Ha Tonka. Doors
In June of the next year, I find myself And then there's two Tremont Music you gain a level. And there are a couple open at 7 p.m. and tickets are $13 in
in the middle of Greene's liquor store with Hall after parties with the band in rules” advance.
a shopping cart and I'm not buying milk Charlotte, the show with Baumer, swig- “You’re not allowed to pee until you
AIKEN New Life Church on Pine St. print for 125 years. On the night of the incident, Culp
According to a police report, the said Smith and others were blaring music
Child makes miniature snowmen woman said she had to go really badly MYRTLE BEACH and racing down the hallway in chairs.
out of pollen and couldn’t hold it. She was arrested for According to Culp, he asked Smith to
indecent exposure. So far, church officials Myrtle Beach may call for removal quiet down. When he went out on the
The blanket of pollen that has been have made no comment. of Confederate flag at State House balcony for a cigarette a couple of hours
draped over the state since March is a A Myrtle Beach city councilman later, he said, Smith tapped him on the
nuisance to most. An eleven-year-old MANNING has delayed a resolution asking state shoulder and shoved the snake in his face.
Aiken girl considers it a medium for legislators to remove the Confederate flag The snake reportedly bit down on Culp’s
artistic expression. Publisher sues entire newspaper from the State House grounds, citing the lip during the struggle.
Miranda Gay and friend, Julia Harper, staff following their defection to a rival importance of unanimous city council According to the media report, Culp
spent the better part of a day collecting paper support before moving forward. took a three-hour long shower after the
pollen from around her yard to construct According to The Sun News, incident and had trouble sleeping.
what they call “Pollen Man” and “Pollen The entire staff of The Manning Times Councilman Phil Render will postpone “I almost had a heart attack,” Culp
Girl,” according the Aiken Standard. has reportedly resigned and formed a rival the motion until some time next month. told the Herald. “I dropped to my knees
The figurines, shaped like snowmen and newspaper, according to the Sumter Item. Render said Myrtle Beach has lost sporting and actually crawled back into my room.”
completely made of pollen, stand around Their former employer’s response: to sue and other events because of the NAACP
seven inches tall apiece. each one of them. boycott of the state over the flag issue.
“They filled a beach bucket about According to the report, Barry Moore,
a quarter of the way up with pollen,” owner of the Times, alleges in his lawsuit ROCK HILL
Miranda’s mother, Suzanne Gay, told the that employees were plotting to start a
Standard. rival newspaper while still on his payroll. Man jailed for using snake as a
“I put a little water in it, and it felt like He also alleges that they used resources weapon against neighbor
goopy clay,” Miranda said in the report. at the Times to build their newspaper, The A man who described himself as
She said she was happy with how the Clarendon Citizen, while on the company “deathly afraid” of reptiles was struck
figurines turned out. dole. in the face with a six-foot long python
According the Item, the layout of that his neighbor at the Executive Inn
FLORENCE the Clarendon Citizen is similar to the was using as a weapon.
Manning Times, features many of its Police arrested Tony Smith, 29, and
Woman arrested for urinating on advertisers and even ran identical ads. charged him with assault and battery
church Attorneys for the Times claim the plot after Jeffrey Culp, 47, accused Smith
Police arrested a Florence woman to resign en masse was intended to cripple of attacking him with the snake. Culp,
after they say she was caught urinating the Times, while “...using Manning Times a resident at the inn, said he had seen
against the side of a church. trade secrets and proprietary and confi- Smith and the snake before.
According to the Florence Morning dential business information to convert “He was out there running up and
News, a police officer on routine patrol and steal Manning Times current and down the sidewalk with it,” Culp told
noticed the woman squatting under a prospective advertisers.” the Rock Hill Herald. “I told him I don’t Tony Smith, 29, was charged with assault and battery for
street lamp and relieving herself on the The Times has reportedly been in do snakes.” allegedly using a snake to hit a man in an altercation.

April 22, 2010 3


Letters to the Reader
Dear “anti-government,” right ing and sneezing through fluffy pollen ball
wing nut jobs, fights in the park; steaming mugs of warm
Can you please give a class on pub- Benadryl by the hearth, our eyes swollen
lic relations to the anti-government, left red slits, while itchy tears cut clear rivu-
wing nut jobs? Short of the WTO riot in lets down our cracked and dusty yellow
Seattle, leftist protesters received little to faces....
no real media attention during the reign of Just kill me, man. Please.
the Bush Administration, unarguably the Columbia City Paper
slimiest gaggle of perverts to ever befoul
Capitol Hill. How did the left blow that? Dear Tea Party militia groups,
Meanwhile, you guys have some idiot Well, you’ve all gathered here with
doctor who posts a sign in his office your firearms and muskets to fend off the
refusing to treat people who voted for evils of an overreaching federal govern-
Obama and viola! He’s having a serious ment that wants to… keep large insurance
discussion with Anderson Cooper. You corporations from swindling you. And, this
hold absurd roadside vigils in powdered is all about the Second Amendment and
wigs: Instant media circus. It’s uncanny. individual freedom, right? Now, before
That type coverage is giving you dipshits you lay siege to your local federal build-
a false sense of legitimacy, without fairly ing, all of you who are or were Republican
giving a false sense of legitimacy to other voters within in the last decade, please
dipshits who, say, sing to trees or protest raise your hands. All of you? Interesting.
soap. We’d just like to see some balance is Since this militia is, as you say,
all we’re saying. based on protecting freedom and the
Columbia City Paper Constitution, why didn’t you arm your-
selves when the Republican president you
Dear Mayor Bob, elected started illegally wire tapping your
We can’t believe you’re moving out, phones and repealed Habeas Corpus, your
man! Dang... the ‘Hall won’t be the same. basic human right to not be detained by
Well, listen, throw in a twelve pack and the government without a trial? From
couple of pizzas and we’ll bring over the where I’m sitting, a president who actu-
van to help you move. Maybe have a few ally repealed the cornerstone of the Fifth
laughs and top shelf the mayor-elect on Amendment and essentially reestablished
our way out the door. Oh, and let us know 13th Century law in a modern Western
if you decide to put that foldout couch and country has infringed on your individual
your shoebox full of ska cassettes on the freedom and, I daresay, wiped his ass with
curb. We’ll take ‘em. the Bill of Rights. You guys seemed pretty
Columbia City Paper cool with that at the time.
Just something to chew on while you
Seasons Greetings All, morons are playing your flutes and drums
We’ve been dreaming of a yellow and marching in time toward Washington.
spring! Laughing gaily as we fall back to Columbia City Paper
make pollen angels in the front yard; yell-

4 April 22,, 2010


don’t panic!
Are Barack Obama’s nuclear policies making the U.S. safer?
By Andisheh Nouraee sor did. one-step closer to the next big arms deal
If I were one of Barack Obama’s He initiated the biggest anti-Taliban with Russia, where we hope to get them
secret Muslim handlers, I’d be angry. offensive in Afghanistan since Bush lost scrap a lot of their small, so-called tacti-
Their diabolical secret Muslim his focus there in 2001. He also strong- cal nukes – the kind that are most likely
plan seemed foolproof; win the War On armed Pakistan into launching its biggest- to be stolen and sold on the black market.
Terror™ by sneaking a charming, telegenic ever offensive against Talibandits in its 3. It’s a diplomatic tool. It’s easier to get
Kenyanesian member of their brotherhood own country. other nations to join your non-proliferation
into the White House! Genius! And if that wasn’t enough to make efforts when you yourself are shrinking
So what if Hopey al-Changeypants Obama the worst foreign-born radical your stockpile.
wasn’t born the U.S. We’ll build a time Muslim secret agent in the history of the Of the three items on that list, the
machine that takes us to Hawaii in 1961 U.S. Presidency, now the jerk is going out diplomacy bit is the one paying the quick-
where we’ll stick “evidence” of Obama’s of his way to try to reduce the threat of est dividends. Obama just hosted lead-
American “birth” into hospital files and nuclear war against the United States. ers from 47 nations in Washington, D.C.
local newspapers. Allah provides! First Obama reached a deal with where they not only talked, but actually
And just to be safe, we’ll sneak some- Russia to reduce our nuclear weapons did stuff to reduce the threat of nuclear
one onto Straight Talk Express where arsenals from 2,200 warheads to 1,550 war. Ukraine announced at the conference
it was giving up all of the highly enriched
“ Obama just hosted leaders from 47 nations uranium it has sitting around. HEU is the
key ingredient for making nuclear weap-
in Washington , D.C. where they not only ons. Chile and Mexico also announced that
they’re going to hand over nuclear materi-
talked , but actually did stuff to reduce als from research reactors
Conference participants also pledged
the threat of nuclear war. ” to secure all loose nuclear materials in their
countries within four years. The goal may
we’ll whisper the worst possible campaign warheads within seven years. The 650 not be met, but every bit of nuclear mate-
advice into John McCain’s ear while he warheads we’re giving up won’t reduce rial secured between now and then is one
naps. “Pick Palin and you’ll win over the the ability of the U.S. to wage war at all fewer source of bomb material for terror-
all-important ‘f**ktard hockey MILF and – we still have the strongest nuclear and ists. Remember, it only takes a grapefruit
the dudes who want to bone them’ demo- conventional military in the world, by far. sized hunk of uranium to build a bomb.
graphic. But the deal accomplishes three big things It’s as if Obama actually loves the
The plan very nearly worked. Obama for us. 1. It reduces the numbers of nukes United States or something. Creepy, I
won. But instead of moving the White pointing at us. Pretty great. 2. It gets us know.
House to Mecca and replacing the “Star
Spangled Banner” with some Cat Stevens
song like he promised his handlers he
would, Obama started acting all American-
like.
He not only helped keep us out of
another Great Depression, but he re-engi-
neered our healthcare system in a way
that will cover more people while saving
money over the long-term. And don’t even
get them started on the way he conducts his
personal life. Instead of wearing traditional
Muslim garb, he sports a suit and tie most
places. His most recent physical revealed
he drinks beer and smokes cigarettes. And
his wife walks around without sleeves on
everywhere she goes? What the hell kind
of Muslim extremist is this guy? He’s
clearly gone native. Maybe he even has
Stockholm Syndrome.
More than anything, I bet his handlers
are quadruple ticked-off at Obama’s for-
eign policy shenanigans. The guy sent here
to lose the War On Terror™ is doing way
more to actually win it than his predeces-
April 22,, 2010 5
By Todd Morehead my business as a realtor, but it has hurt other created an Affordable Housing Task Force
obsolete barracks style public housing that
developers. If I was trying to sell a home as made up of members of the banking commu-
has never been on the tax rolls and develop
Every residential neighborhood in a home owner, then I would see it as flood- nity, affordable housing advocates, devel-
a mix of housing that includes owner occu-
Columbia bears an individual flavor as ing the market, which hurts sale prices. opers, lawyers, neighborhood leaders and
pied homes, we are putting homes on the tax
varied as the folks who call it home, be it Still, Hunt says he believes such devel- rolls and stabilizing neighborhoods.”  others. Their task: to study housing issues
the Bohemian flare of Olympia, the stately opment can be a plus, if it is successful. facing low-income residents. According
old South feel of Elmwood Park, or the “A new development adds a new tax base Tackling Affordable Housing to a 2007 release by the group, Columbia
laid back charm of Rosewood. Though to the city if it is a successful development,” enjoyed “a respectable amount of affordable
each neighborhood is as distinct as the he says. “If it is not, the city loses money.” The generally accepted definition of housing” at the time of the report’s release.
next, the majority of them currently share affordability is for a household to pay no They found that, overall, the city was doing
It is a gamble to be sure. A new tax base,
one trait: they are dotted with “for sale” in theory at least, can generate the needed more than 30 percent of its annual income a good job on the affordable housing front.
signs. Meanwhile, city-subsidized housing tax dollars to further improve the greater on housing. Most mortgage underwriters “The National Association of
developments, resembling modern suburbs, area. Another school of thought is that the use a percentage near that range, as well, Homebuilders (NAHB) Housing
are popping up around the city. While city could hedge that bet and improve the and will factor in other hardship variables. Opportunity Index released on August 22,
some of these neighborhoods are quickly greater area right away. According to HUD statistics for 2009, 2006 ranks Columbia 34th in the nation in
colonized, others have sat virtually empty, the median income for a moderate- to the availability of affordable housing and
Chris Barczak, a local realtor and former
giving the acres of new homes the feel of an low-income family of three in Columbia 4th in our region,” the task force release
member of the city’s board of zoning appeals,
abandoned movie set. wholly supports the need for affordable was $33,540 (or 60 percent of the median stated. Columbia’s ranking, coupled with
According to the Columbia Multiple housing in Columbia, but says the city can income for Richland County). Thirty percent the City Living low-interest mortgage loan
Listing Service, used by licensed realtors of that total –or what percentage of the program and the creation of city-affiliated
foster it –and neighborhood revitalization, to
to monitor overall property inventory, at boot—by supporting properties and property family should spend on housing—comes development corporations, insured that two-
press time there are 583 houses for sale in owners that are already here. out to around $838 maximum per month. thirds of the neighborhoods in Columbia are
the downtown Columbia area under the “Government should allocate monies Using the current 5 percent mortgage rate, affordable places to live, they said.
$150,000 mark. And that number does not towards infrastructure development such a moderate- to low-income family could pay Speaking to the demolishing of the
include “for sale by owner” listings. as street lights, water, sewer, and police,”as much as $1,107 per month for a $140,000 Saxon Homes and Hendley Homes housing
Some are beginning to question the effi-Barczak suggests. “This will entice house, without the aid of a specialized loan projects, the task force recommended the
cacy of new city-subsidized development neighborhood renewal and public enterprise program. construction of new multifamily rental units
in the name of affordable in their place. Unlike their predecessors,
housing, citing a glut of these housing sites would be available
existing homes already on “G overnment should allocate monies towards infrastructure on the open market and would “allow
low-income families to access private-
the market and concern
that new publicly-funded
development such as street lights water sewer and police , , , ,”
market multifamily units, by... imposing
projects are competing
against low to moderate
B arczak suggests . “T his will entice neighborhood renewal conditions on the sale of property owned
by the city or its affiliated development
income property own- and public enterprise will follow it .” corporations.”
ers who could use those The task force brought up the interest-
monies to revamp existing ing factor of zoning, specifically “inclu-
neighborhoods. Yet, proponents of afford- will follow it.” The Columbia Housing Authority sionary zoning,” which requires developers
able housing say the development projects Julia Prater, Deputy for Affordable development project, Rosewood Hills, lists to include a certain percentage of afford-
are key to revitalizing neglected neighbor- Housing at the Columbia Housing Authority, homes generally between $156,000 and able housing in their development projects.
hoods and ensuring a stable downtown says she believes the new developments are $227,000. That project seeks to mix afford- The task force didn’t believe that manda-
housing market in the long run. healthy for the city.   able housing units with market rate units tory inclusionary zoning would withstand
“It really depends on the project, devel- “I think the city’s investment in our and the City of Columbia offers specialized the scrutiny of a court if challenged, so it
oper, the need, and the finished product,” [CHA-affiliated] developments was smart loans to low-income buyers through the City recommended that the city adopt a policy
says Howard Hunt, Broker-in-Charge, at and important to the revitalization of resi- Living program to help with the affordable of “voluntary inclusionary zoning” in tar-
Front Porch Realty in Columbia. “I don’t dential neighborhoods,” Prater said. “I call housing component. geted development areas. They suggested
think [the development projects] have hurt it an investment, because as we demolish In June 2006, the City of Columbia sweetening the deal for developers with
6 April 22,, 2010
incentives like increased density (more bang Julia Prater says her agency’s numbers tract of undeveloped land off River Drive
for the buck per acre); reduction of parking echo the findings of the task force in terms near the Broad River, the city approved
requirements; a rebate of a portion of water of the demographic shift toward the suburbs. Phase One of the project last month and
and sewer tap fees; rebates on permit fees granted the development a high-density zon-
and expedited reviews of plans, required “Median income buyers in recent years ing variance at its March 1 meeting.
hearings, etc. have been pretty much pushed out to the The City of Columbia wanted to beau-
The Village at Rivers Edge project, suburbs,” she says, “because new develop- tify and renovate pockets of low-income
off River Drive, is a good example of an ments could offer much more affordable housing as part of the North Main Master
incentive deal, as the city granted a PUD-LS housing. This is because developers’ land Plan (circa 2005). The Roosevelt Village
zoning variance to increase density and also and site costs were much more reasonable in apartments, on what is now the Village at
agreed to finance the construction of its util- suburban areas.”   Rivers Edge, site was one of the areas in
ity infrastructure. At the time of the 2007 report, Rosewood question. In 2006, Steve Benjamin, as the
Detractors of inclusionary zoning say it Hills and the Village At River’s Edge were registered agent of the Village at Rivers
levies an indirect tax on developers, shifting already moving forward. It is important to Edge, LLC, pitched a plan to city council
the burden of affordable housing away from note that the task force report was done prior to implement an urban renewal develop-
local government and onto the development to the worst of the economic downturn and ment project on that land. His project would
community. Free market advocates question resulting housing crisis. The housing inven- feature 128 single-family homes, 100 town
the practice of giving the aforementioned tory undoubtedly went up as homeowners homes and 66 condos/apartments. He asked
density incentive because it could create a went upside down on mortgages and banks for the city to help defray the cost of the The city committed $3.5 million to infrastructure costs for
The Columbia Housing Authority development project,
glut of housing that burdens local govern- foreclosed. development. Rosewood Hills. The homes are listed between $156,000
ment. The city approved the project at a to $227,000. Photo by Todd Morehead
To analyze the overall housing mar- Enter the Developers September, 2006 meeting so long as 50
ket, the task force compiled and analyzed percent of dwellings were for buyers at 80 Russell and Jeffcoat realtor involved with
a huge amount of data, including popula- The City of Columbia has created four percent of the Area Median Income (AMI) sales there, but has not received a response
tion changes, outlying areas of residential nonprofit development corporations to and 50 percent were for folks at 80 to 120 at press time.
growth, building permit data, the sale of provide affordable housing and economic percent the AMI. The city agreed to help A homeowner in Rosewood Hills who
existing homes, median home price, and development opportunities in the city. with the design and cost of infrastructure. asked not to be named, said it seems to him
income. They determined at the time of their The Federal Dept. of Housing and Urban In September 2009, the city issued like home sales are on the rise in his once
report that although there has been rapid Development (HUD) doles out funding for Resolution R-2009-075, which officially deserted neighborhood since Russell and
growth in the region at large, growth in the city development projects through a number committed $1.6 million to its overall funding Jeffcoat took over.
city had remained stagnate and showed that of grant programs. These development obligation. The agreement states that the city “I’m not a realtor, but from a consumer
population growth had actually shifted away corporations use funds allocated through must “repay the funds back to the Section standpoint, Russell Jeffcoat [sic] is a recog-
from the city center and towards outlying one such program, HOME funds, as lines 108/EDI funds administered by the City nizable ‘brand.’ They probably have more of
areas like Lexington. They determined that of credit. The development corporations of Columbia’s Community Development a customer base to pull from, which is why
“the city does not need to encourage the can solicit funds from the city general fund, Department.” they’re selling these homes so quickly,” he
development of more housing, but it does private funders, and other avenues. The funds will be used for streets and said. “Of course, it could also be that the
need to consider ways that it could encour- A good example of a project green storm water management, according to the market is finally taking a turn.”
age developers in the future to include a lighted and subsidized by the city under the Columbia Housing Authority. Regardless of your opinion on the devel-
mix of income levels within their proposed affordable housing banner (in conjunction Benjamin removed himself from the opment projects, the homes are built and
developments.” with the Columbia Housing Authority) is the Village at River’s Edge, LLC after he they are here to stay. Whether realtors can
Village at River’s Edge. Currently a 24-acre announced his run for mayor. He reportedly continue to fill them all remains to be seen
sold his share for around $492,000. and until the housing market fully rebounds,
If the Village at River’s Edge is an the argument over continued development
example of an affordable housing project will carry on.
in its infancy, the Rosewood Hills develop- “[The CHA] has been able to partner
ment is an example of such a project when it with the city due to a few unique opportunities
comes out the other side. of significant in-town parcels of land and
According to the Columbia Housing significant HUD Capital Fund Grant monies
Authority, the development boasts 60 we were able to bring to the table,” says
single-family homes, 32 town homes, and Prater. “Those stars don’t align very often
22 duplex units, as well as a 52 unit senior and there aren’t many large open parcels of
apartment complex. The rental units are a land left in the city, so I don’t know that it is a
mix of affordable and market rentals. Of the model that could continue to be replicated.  I
60 homes, 41 were planned to be sold to the think the developments that have been done
public at market rate and the remaining 19 are sustainable and successful.”
would be set aside for affordable housing Howard Hunt suggests that those
units for homebuyers at 80 percent of AMI concerned with new development and how it
($49,700 for a family of four). The city affects their property should take a proactive
committed $3.5 million to infrastructure stance.
for that project, according to the Columbia “A neighborhood with a new project
Housing Authority. coming in should get involved and see who
The neighborhood, completed at the is charge, what roles the city is taking on,
apex of the housing crises, sat mostly empty and what it could do to existing home values
for months on end. Sales in the neighbor- and sales... the impact on schools and utili-
hood appear to be on the upswing, however, ties, and its economic sense,” he said. “We
cannot assume the city is doing this for us.”
Some developers can cash out big by utilizing city and government grants under the banner of building and Russell and Jeffcoat Realtors recently
affordable housing. In 2006, Steve Benjamin, as the registered agent of the Village at Rivers Edge, took over the contract to market the homes.
LLC, pitched a plan to city council to implement an urban renewal development project. The City of City Paper inquired about the sales talkback@columbiacitypaper.com
Columbia committed $1.6 million to help defray infrastructure costs for the project and the Columbia
Housing Authority secured a $10,000,000 HUD grant to help with the affordable housing component. figures coming out of Rosewood Hills to a
April 22,, 2010 7
Voted best In Property Management!
soundboard
large fan base, they band seems to be
going in the right direction. Recently
spending most of their free time in the
studio, fans can expect a new album
sometime this year. If their album
Fri 04/23/10 Ma'at Thursday 04/29/10
Normal Bias is anything like their recent single,
New Brookland Tavern New Brookland Tavern “Some Call It Hell,” fans can expect
Appetite For Destruction - Trib. White Mule Horrendous yet another great album that is certain
To Guns N' Roses (NC) Ellis Paul Sylis to not disappoint.
The Dreggs
Utopia Mon 04/26/10 Your Chance To Die Haley Dreis- Woodrow Street Stage
Coolie G & Lion Soul Reggae Invoking The Abstract (2:50-3:30)
Band New Brookland Tavern Terrigen Mist If you have yet to hear about
We Sail At Dawn this 20-year-old singer songwriter, you
White Mule Ninjaloot Utopia
Bess Rogers City Under Flames The Dubber's CD Release Party undoubtedly will soon. Current USC
Enemy Within music performance student, Haley
Fri 04/30/10 Dreis, has been creating a buzz around
Newberry Opera House Columbia since her first performance.
Firefall Tue 04/27/10 Colonial Life Arena Effortless and pure, her performances
Taylor Swift evoke a certain emotion that can only
Sat 04/24/10 Elbow Room Gloriana be explained as magical. Currently
Breathe Electric Kellie Pickler By Shelby Sachs touring most of the Southeast with for-
Jillians We Are The In Crowd mer Jump Little Children lead singer, Jay
Papa Roach You Me And Everyone We New Brookland Tavern The fifth annual Rosewood Crawfish Clifford, the horizons are continuing to
Know End of School Dance Party Festival is right around the corner, featur- get broader for this young and talented
New Brookland Tavern ing more vendors, a 5 K run, and even musician.
Austin Crane New Brookland Tavern Sat 05/01/10 bigger and better live music.
The Rocketboys Murder By Death
The Patient Ha Ha Tonka A Rocket To The Moon Aside from the crawfish, one of the Treadmill Trackstar- Holly Street Stage
Brandon Kean Linfinity TBA most appealing parts of this event is, of (2:30-3:10)
course, the live music. This year, there A band that has a story as unique
Utopia Wed 04/28/10 Colonial Life Arena will be over ten bands performing on two and distinct as their sound. After being
Jackaroe Carrie Underwood separate stages. When checking out the dropped from a major record label, taking
New Brookland Tavern Craig Morgan line-up, you may expect the acts to be on a ten year break, and almost giving up on
White Mule I In The Sky Sons Of Sylvia the same caliber as that of the St. Pat’s making music ever again, Treadmill, one
Patrick Davis Mouse Fire Festival in Five Points and that assump- of Columbia’s former powerhouse bands,
Pity Rally White Mule tion would be pretty accurate. Headlining decided to give this whole music industry
Sun 04/25/10 The Sea Wolf Mutiny Larry Keel And Natural Bridge
Utopia this year are national bands Tonic and thing one more go around. With no money
New Brookland Tavern Bluegrass Night w «Rosewood Crawfish Festival» Marcy Playground, and Columbia favor- to record an album, the members decided
Obraskai Total Denial Look to your right>>>>> ite, Hot Lava Monster. Haley Dreis and to ask for donations from their family,
His Name Was Iron Treadmill Trackstar are definitely a couple friends, and fans to help record, I Belong
of other sets to put on your itinerary for To Me. And $12,000 later, the album was
the day. recorded and released. Now with a whole
new perspective on life, these four expe-
Tonic- Holly Street Stage (6:00-7:30) rienced and talented musicians are ready
Known for their six Top 10 singles, to start touring again and sharing their
over four million records sold, Grammy music with those people that gave them
nominations, and the number one most- another shot.
played rock song of 1998, Tonic will be
performing days before releasing their Other bands you have to check out:
long awaited new album. It’s been eight
years since the release their last album, Holly Street Stage
so Columbia fans will likely be some of Danielle Howle – (3:30 – 4:10)
the first in the country to hear some of the Danielle certainly needs no introduction.
new stuff live. Definitely worth checking Opening for the main headliners.
out. The Tinbenders – (1:30 – 2:10)
S-Tribe – (12:20 – 1:10)
Marcy Playground- Holly Street Stage
(4:30-5:30) Woodrow Street Stage
One of the staple songs of the late John Wesley Satterfield Band – (3:50
90’s is Marcy Playground’s “Sex and – 4:30)
Candy.” This song also brought them American Gun – (1:50 – 2:30)
fifteen consecutive weeks at number on Hott Boxx - (12:50 – 1:30)
Billboard’s U.S. Modern Rock chart. As Tom Hall and The Plowboys - (11:50 –
if this was not a large enough accomplish- 12:30)
ment in itself, their self-titled album sold Silver Lining – 11:00 – 11:30
over 1.7 million copies. Spending most of
last year recording a new album, Marcy In addition to the great bands, this year
Playground released their fourth album, the festival will be hosting its first ever
Leaving Wonderland… in a fit of rage Crawdaddy Dash 5k Run. Participants
last summer. This album has gotten rave will start at 10 a.m. and will receive free
reviews and proves that although they entry into the festival. You can expect to
took quite a long hiatus, they still haven’t see some familiar events as well such as
lost their touch. the street vault competition, a kids area,
crawfish races and more. 
Hot Lava Monster- Woodrow Street The festival will be held on May 1
Stage (5:00-6:00) from 11 a.m. to 8 p.m. between Woodrow
Hot Lava Monster are no strangers and Holly Streets on Rosewood Drive.
to Columbia as they have been staples of
our local music scene for several years music@columbiacitypaper.com
now. They instantly stood out as one of
Columbia’s top rock bands, and with a
10 April 22, 2010
WORDS AND IMAGE BY
SEAN RAYFORD

Murder by Death singer/guitarist Adam Turla belts out a song at the New Brookland Tavern in June of 2006. The band recently released it’s fifth full length record, Good Morning
Magpie and will be performing at the New Brookland Tavern Tuesday, April 27 with Linfinity and Ha Ha Tonka from Missouri’s Ozarks and Linfinity from New York City.
“You get a bunch of beer, about a case and eggs. My chore today is to purchase ging whiskey outside the Lincoln Theatre are a Level Three wizard. To get to Level
per person. And then a bunch of duct enough booze for the after party we’ve in Raleigh while the band toured with Eight, you have to shotgun your seventh
tape,” explains Murder by Death frontman planned for the Braid reunion tour, sup- Clutch and the most recent Jameson expe- beer. At Level 10, you have to pass the
Adam Turla, describing a favorite summer ported by Murder By Death, Minus the rience with the Gaslight Anthem and wizard trials, which you have to fight the
pastime of the Bloomington, Indiana quar- Bear and Jet By Day. No tales remain things really start to melt. person who got to 10 beers first.”
tet now touring on their fifth full length, from the lock-in that evening. Then I'm smacking my hands on the “At Level 15, you can fly. At 16 you
Good Morning Magpie. Then, once again, in June two years wooden floor of New Brookland, attempt- can drive, and Level 20 you’re invisible.
Suddenly, like one too many shots of later Murder by Death came through the ing to enchant the spirit of Duke's Steve And after that, who knows.”
whiskey to the head, I enter the New Soda City with the not-so-punk rock Wojciechowski, challenging singer Adam Turla warns that the game is best
Brookland time machine. Exchange the Americana heroes Lucero, and by the end Turla to a wrestling match. Bad idea. played outside, because as you level up it
flux capacitor for a bottle of drink and I of the show people are wearing their pants According to my friends’ memories, my becomes increasingly more difficult to
pass by Marty McFly, Ted of the Wyld as capes, their belts as ties and the finest head ended up in the corner of the pool move around with your growing staff.
Stallyons, Modern English, Sam Beckett, ladies exposing their free-flowing breasts table. “By the end when you want to drink,
and H.G. Wells. Water drips from the ceil- like ancient Roman times. At some point I I awake and I've returned from the you have to have other people hold up the
ing and folks wander through the bowels believe a sound engineer was arrested. time machine, it's 2010 and Good bottom of the staff because you can’t hold
of the dirty pirate ship with drinks in hand “I like boobs, I've got two of them,” Morning Magpie has notched the band the whole thing up.”
and boisterous saloon voices. said Iron Maiden enthusiast and Murder another hole in it's very own alt-folk old- Is it surprising then that Good
Bassist Matt Armstrong snags my by Death cello molester Sarah Baillet out- west doom-Americana murder-movie- Morning Magpie is introduced with a song
attention from a bench in the back room of side the back of the club in response to the soundtrack genre with their latest release called “Kentucky Bourbon” (which
New Brookland while on tour with evening's debauchery. Turla continues his story from the Baillet wrote while scrubbing her bath
Thursday in June of 2003. Possibly the next morning, I sit on an road in New Mexico on their current tour. tub) and then followed by “As Long as
“Hey Sean, wanna get drunk?” Olympia front porch with Armstrong “You drink a beer and when you finish There is Whiskey in the World?”
The night ends much later after a few enjoying the final two Pabsts of the previ- that beer, you duct tape a fresh beer on top Murder by Death performs at the New
rounds of nut-punching and other retarded ous evening. The band leaves for of it and you keep doing that until you Brookland Tavern on Tuesday, April 27
behavior. Baltimore in about an hour. have a staff. And for every beer you drink, with Linfinity and Ha Ha Tonka. Doors
In June of the next year, I find myself And then there's two Tremont Music you gain a level. And there are a couple open at 7 p.m. and tickets are $13 in
in the middle of Greene's liquor store with Hall after parties with the band in rules” advance.
a shopping cart and I'm not buying milk Charlotte, the show with Baumer, swig- “You’re not allowed to pee until you
April 22, 2010 11
colatheater.com

I had neither read nor seen A Winter’s


Tale, and I resisted the temptation to do any
Beam Me Up, Bard; it’s a research prior to my preview performance
Blizzard Down Here! deflowering. Confronting a Shakespeare
play for the first time is exhilarating and
By Arik Bjorn daunting—yet not quite as daunting as the
Act One demise of the Sicilian courtier,
It is easy to understand why A Midsummer Antigonus, who is eaten alive by a carnivorous
Night’s Dream has enjoyed immense bear, which is terrifyingly represented via Pictured: (from left) USC Guest Actor Donald
popularity amongst William Shakespeare’s digital scrim by world-class set designer and Sage Mackay (Leontes), second-year USC MAT
“seasonal” fantasy plays—the other being A USC professor, Nic Ularu. student Sarah Degn (Hermione) and second-year
Winter’s Tale, which is currently being staged The stage note for this Act One finale USC MFA student Brian Clowdus (Polixenes)
offseason, as it were, as the final main stage moment reads like something out of a
performance of Theatre South Carolina’s John Irving novel: “Exit, pursued by a darkness consumes his visage.
(USC) 2010 season. bear.” It’s just another quirky moment that Other player standouts include guest actor
Puck, Jackass & Co. are universal sets A Winter’s Tale apart from the rest of Charles Whetzel and USC MFA student
characters in a poetic, soap bubbly romantic the Shakespearean canon, as is the final Jake Mesches as Sanford and Son, adopt-a-
comedy which plays popular folly to a marmoreal scene which mixes Hecatean changeling shepherds. Also, MFA student
theatre-going world no longer seemingly Macbeth magic with the myth of Pygmalion. Ryan Krause is puckishly diverting and
able to embrace the psychological depths I would do patrons who similarly nimble as the pickpocket Autolycus. And
of A Merchant in Venice or Coriolanus. have never experienced A Winter’s Tale a guest actor and USC Sumter scholar Park
However, Autolycus the cutpurse, Puck’s disservice by outlining the story. Having the Bucker continues his meteoric rise in the
wintry counterpoint, and the gentry and plebs “infected jelly” beat out of you by William Columbia theatre community, channeling
of Sicilia and Bohemia who round out A Shakespeare is a rewarding aesthetic exercise the comedic spirit of Elliott Gould as the
Winter’s Tale, have been historically damned and one I recommend for anyone tired of whipped, bear snack courtier, Antigonus.
to a play that is part Jacobean retrospective seeing every classical theatre company run The brilliance of USC MFA student
on King Henry VIII’s wench-whacking and Twelfth Night and Romeo and Juliet into the April Brown’s costume design did not occur
part oracular lost episode of the original Star ground. to me until midway through the second act,
Trek series. For Apollo’s sake, it’s the Bard! It’s when I realized that 1960s Gene Rodenberry
Decided advantage: Puck. never so much the story (which, in this case, otherworld fantasy garb is the only way
Some critics label A Winter’s Tale Shakespeare lifted from a silly 16th-century to clothe these timeless, Greek-named
a “problem play” due to a perceived popular romance) as it is the language and the characters. Also worth applauding is USC
incongruent melding of Act One’s Macbeth- psychology. theater senior William Shuler, who originally
scored some of the production’s music.
Shuler has contributed musically to many
“I recommend for anyone tired of seeing every local productions the past several years, and
classical theatre company run Twelfth Night and I strongly encourage readers to attend his
senior piano recital on Thursday, April 22 at
Romeo and Juliet into the ground.” 4 p.m. at the USC School of Music.
Only a coxcomb would neglect to attend
like hand wringing with Act Two’s fantastical At one point, King Leontes shatters the USC’s Drayton Hall Theatre in the coming
shepherd’s pie-in-the-face. Yet given the fourth wall and proclaims to the audience, days. Pull out your iPad and with “paddling
current pop culture historical revival of all “It’s a bawdy planet!” Indeed, A Winter’s paws and pinching fingers” make your
things Henry VIII (Showtime’s The Tudors Tale is filled with hilarious dirty jokes and reservations for A Winter’s Tale now!
and the novels The Other Boleyn Girl and innuendos; this same monarch speaks of the
Wolf Hall) and our current obsession with “dungy earth” and his “hobbyhorse, slippery A Winter’s Tale runs April 16 through
medieval fantasy (Peter Jackson’s The Lord wife,” yet later blasts the audience in the 25 at USC Drayton Hall Theatre. The
of the Rings and HBO’s forthcoming series A aforementioned final scene with this line of curtain rises at 8 p.m. for all shows except
Game of Thrones), A Winter’s Tale might be poetic dynamite: “What fine chisel could for Saturday performances, which take place
on the cusp of national revival. ever yet cut breath?” at 7 p.m. Also, there is a 3 p.m. matinee
In fact, if directed with a precise Amongst the acting highlights is the on April 25. Tickets are $10 for students;
vision—as this production is by University complex, redemptive arc of King Leontes $14 for university faculty, staff and military
of Illinois professor and Utah Shakespeare played with tragicomic authenticity by personnel; and $16 for the general public.
Festival associate artistic director Kathleen F. veteran stage and television actor Donald Call 777.2551 for ticket information. To
Conlin—audiences will not find themselves Sage Mackay. There are moments when learn more about USC theatre, visit www.cas.
facing a problem so much as an engaging Mackay plays Leontes as an hilarious sc.edu/thea/
twin billing. medieval George Costanza and other times
Outside shot going forward: Autolycus. when the full shroud of Shakespearean talkback@columbiacitypaper.com

12 April 22, 2010


thursday 22 friday 23 Saturday 24 Sunday 25 Monday 26 tuesday 27 wednesday 28
$5/8 7:30pm $10/12 8pm $8 7:30pm $5/8 7:30pm $5/8 5:15pm $13/15 7pm $5/8 7:30pm
Obraskai We Sail At Dawn
Appetite For
Destruction His Name Was Ninjaloot MurdEr By I In The Sky
aPrIl

Postcard Fiction Austin Crane Iron City Under Flames


Further Room (Guns N Roses Enemy Within
dEath Pity Rally
Tribute) The Rocketboys Ma'at Ha Ha Tonka The Sea Wolf
Will Divide Colour and the The Patient Normal Bias uSElESS trIvIa 9PM: Mutiny
Full Color Footage Shape Brandon Kean Hardy and Dewayne
Linfinity
(Foo Fighters Covers) MIdnIght
$100 Worth Of Prizes
MurdEraMa
thursday 29 friday 30 Sat. May 1 Sunday 2 Monday 3 tuesday 4 wednesday 5
$5/8 6:30pm 9pm $5/7 8pm $8 8pm $12/14 6pm $3/5 6:30pm $5/7 7:30pm
aPrIl/May

Horrendous ACOUSTIC
Sylis End Of SchOOl
The Noise American BOrn Of SHOWCASE: Paul Edelman
The Dreggs dancE Party w/: Carolina Aquarium OSIrIS Brightford / Pharon The Cover Of
Your Chance To Die Alejandro and
Invoking The Chupacabra Sons Of Bill The Bled Adam / Matt / Jesse Afternoon
Guest Sacred Conflict Paul / Ned / William TBA
Abstract
Free over 21, $3 under TBA Oceano Emily / Clayton
Terrigen Mist
Diavolo
thursday 6 friday 7 thursday 13 fri. July 23
$3 9pm $10/12 8pm $12/15 8pm $10/13 7pm
aftEr ShOw SPEcIalS
MON $1.50 PBR/ $3 Fireball
WARQ "93.5" Sequoyah Prep TUES $1 vodka for ladies/ $2 house
SHALLOW Low Dough Show dEadBOlt School WED $2 Bud Light Lime/ $3 Corona/
May

$5 American Honey
PLACE The Whigs Capital City Parachute THURS $3 Regional Beers : Sweetwater/Thomas Creek/
A Postwar Drama Leslie Playboys Musical Highland/ $5 Johnny Walker
The Mercy Shot FRI $2 Miller Light/ $5 Jager Bombs/ $5 Bubble Gum
TBA Ponderosa Murphy's Kids Vodka Bombs
SAT $2 Coors Light/ $3 Red Strip/ $3 Magic Hat #9
SUN $2 Bench/ $3 PBR Tall Boy

City Under B 93.5


WARQ
Flames Murder by Low Dough Show dEadBOlt
Death
BOrn Of OSIrIS
Austin Crane
aPPEtItE fOr
The Bled s
dEStructIOn
(Guns N Roses Tribute)
The Rocketboys
Oceano The Whig Capital City
The Patient Playboys
Colour and the Shape Brandon Kean Ha Ha Tonka Diavolo Leslie
(Foo Fighters Covers) Linfinity Ponderosa The Mercy Shot
fri. april 23 Sat. april 24 tues. april 27 Mon. May 3 fri. May 7 thurs. May 13
$10/12 8pm $8 7:30pmm $13/15 7pm $12/14 6pm $10/12 8pm $12/15 8pmm

122 State St. W Columbia SC 29169


803-218-9455

www.newbrooklandtavern.com 803.791.4413 april 8, 2010 13


SavageLove Sex Advice
by Dan Savage
JONESIN’ CROSSWORDS
by Matt Jones
“Repeat Offenders”--it’s just overkill.
61 1990’s “Groove Is In the Heart” 32 “The other,” in Spanish
Across dance band 33 Newspaper published since 1908,
I’m a 27-year-old 1 1973 snake movie starring Dirk 64 Beekeeper’s place for short
gay man. I had a really You should suck it up, CLG. Benedict 65 Month of fasting 34 Prohibited areas in combat: abbr.
great first couple of dates It’s killing you that someone out there might 8 Hard workers? 66 Took out for a spin 35 Stupor
with a guy, so for the third hate your guts (with cause), might think you’re scum 14 “The Life ___ with Steve Zissou” 67 Last name of Southern rapper Bubba 36 ‘80s rockers Split ___
date I invited him to stay (because you behaved like scum), and, we can safely 15 One of many in Las Vegas 40 Wu-Tang Clan producer
over. I cooked dinner, we presume at this stage, is content to have you out of 16 Former Campbell’s Soup slogan Down 43 Czech play where 8-across came
watched a movie, and we his life (otherwise he would’ve looked you up on 18 Atlanta suburb 1 ___ Club (Wal-Mart offshoot) from
had a lovely time in bed. Facebook by now). This bothers you because you’re 19 Enthusiastic assent, in Spanish 2 Unit used to measure a city’s area: 44 Does some high school vandalism
In the morning, we had not scum, of course; no person is defined by the two 20 Bikini part abbr. 45 Naval vessel commanded by JFK
another romp. At one point, he was rimming me, and worst mistakes she ever made. (I’m referring to (1) 22 Back muscles 3 Totals 47 Morocco’s capital
unexpectedly, unintentionally, I farted in his mouth cheating and (2) making a false accusation of rape. 23 With 31-across, quadruple platinum 4 “____ am” 48 Wishful thought
a little. His reaction was along the lines of “EW! What would’ve happened if your then-current [now- R&B album of 1992 5 Type of silver associated with British 49 “Champagne Supernova” band
EWWWW! EW!” Mine was along the lines of trying ex] boyfriend had gone to the police? Or taken the 26 Beauty’s counterpart money: abbr. 50 Boxing match div.
to apologize through uncontrollable laughter. I said, law into his own hands? Thank God your then-current 30 River that passes through Essen, 6 Silicon monoxide, for short 51 Lusty looks
“C’mere” and pulled him in to kiss me, and we finished [now-ex] boyfriend didn’t believe you.) Germany 7 Prefix for “phobia” that means “dark” 54 Banned apple spray
with what I thought was minimal awkwardness. I don’t think you should contact him, CLG, not 31 See 23-across 8 Alternatives to Pepsis 55 Hyphenated septic system treatment
Later in the day, to be cute, and even perhaps start until you’re a little more interested in what you could 34 Presidential monogram of the 1950s 9 Electrical unit of resistance brand
a long-term shared joke, I sent an e-card that read, give him (a long-overdue apology) and a little less 37 Actress Lathan of “The Cleveland 10 Waco university 56 “I never knew ___ that was not odi-
“I’m sorry for farting in your mouth.” He sent the interested in what he could give you (absolution). Show” 11 She backed Barack ous” (John Sherman)
following text message: “i’m not sure about this. yr 38 “___ was saying...” 12 Like J, alphabetically 57 Demographic for characters in “Real-
a sweet guy but i’m dating some other people... i just My wife and I divorced three years ago. Six months 39 Financial advisor and TV host Suze 13 Former Guns N’ Roses guitarist ity Bites”
can’t have farts in my mouth. i would have handled it a ago, I began seeing a good friend of my daughter’s. I 41 ___ Maria (liqueur) 17 “Scooby-___, Where Are You!” 59 Modern version of a K-ration
bit more respectfully.” knew this was dangerous territory, but I really liked 42 1953 Looney Tunes short where a 21 Actress ___ de Rossi of “Arrested 60 Aust. city
Is a sense of humor about the inevitable off-color this girl. A month ago, we took our relationship public. student daydreams Development” 62 “The Raven” monogram
moments too much to expect? I mean, this was one My daughter reacted poorly. She did not demand that 45 Make a sad face 23 Baseball Hall-of-Famer Mel 63 Transatlantic MTV honor, for short
strike you’re out, not even a chance to talk it over. He we break up, but she let me know that the relationship 46 Part of a lunar cycle 24 “Positive,” to Pierre ©2010 Jonesin’Crosswords (editor@
dumped me over TEXT, for fuck’s sake! Good riddance, made her uncomfortable. And she was rightfully upset 47 Some all-female band members 25 “What an unfortunate situation” jonesincrosswords.com)
I suppose. But did I really handle this wrong? about some personal information my girlfriend had 52 Moby Dick chaser 26 ___ B’rith For answers to this puzzle, call: 1-900-
told me about her. 53 Hydrocarbon suffix 27 Active Sicilian volcano 226-2800, 99 cents per minute. Must be
Flatulent Anilingus Result: Termination During the past four weeks, my daughter has 54 “I’m rippin’ up ___ doll...” (Aeros- 28 “Just as I suspected!” 18+. Or to bill to
gradually edged my girlfriend out of her personal life. mith lyric) 29 Sailor’s visibility hazard your credit card, call: 1-800-655-6548.
You handled this beautifully, FART—that’s why She has also begun to spend less time with me. She tells 58 Chests 31 East, in Germany Reference puzzle #0463.
you got dumped via text message. me she does not want me to have to choose between
They don’t cover this in sex ed, I realize, but her and my girlfriend; although, if she stops spending
the average idiot knows there’s just one thing a time with me, that’s exactly what she’s doing. I know
person wants from someone who’s just “unexpectedly” she’s upset. But I’m a grown man, and I just want to be
farted in his mouth, even just a little, and it’s not an happy. And in spite of the age difference, my girlfriend
e-card. It’s a lengthy, abject, mortified, immediate, makes me very happy. What can I do to make my
and heartfelt apology. And after a rimmee farts—a daughter more comfortable with my new relationship?
blessedly rare occurrence—it’s the rimmer’s response
that sets the tone. Your guest was horrified and Father Doesn’t Always Know Best
disgusted. You needed to take your emotional cues
from him, FART, make your apologies and express or P.S. The information my girlfriend shared about
fake genuine remorse. my daughter was inconsequential: the name of a young
Instead, you laughed in his face, pulled him in for man she was seeing and that my daughter purchased
a kiss, and sent him a flip e-card. Basically, you did an expensive dress.
everything you could to give this guy the impression
that you’re either an inconsiderate asshole incapable It’s nice to know that your girlfriend manages to
of reading another person’s emotional cues, FART, or make you happy “in spite of the age difference.” Too
that you may actually be into farts—or worse—and many late-middle-aged men succumb to despair in the
that you intentionally farted in his mouth. I would’ve arms of their much-younger girlfriends. Anyway...
dumped you, too. What can you do to make your daughter
Yes, a sense of humor about those off-color comfortable with you fucking her friend while her
moments is not too much to expect. But no relationship friend blabs to you? Nothing. Your daughter may
progresses to the laughing-off-the-fart-in-your- eventually become comfortable with your relationship,
mouth stage, FART, until after—long after—you’ve FDAKB, but there’s nothing you can do to artificially
demonstrated to the person you’re dating that you’re force up her comfort level. And while emotional
a fundamentally decent, considerate person, worthy of blackmail—”My girlfriend makes me happy, but I will
their time and affections. sacrifice my happiness for you, darling, if that’s what
you want...”—may result in your daughter spending
Every so often, I have to fight the urge to contact more time with you and your girlfriend now, her
an ex-boyfriend. It didn’t end well (I cheated). I’m resentment at being blackmailed will do irreparable
happily married, have two children, and live in a damage to your relationship with her over the long run.
completely different part of the country now. Yet, I feel So just shut the fuck up, Dad, stop whining, and
sad that we don’t still know each other. The reasons for continue to enjoy the girlfriend in spite of the age
the indiscretion include, among other things, stupidity difference. Then apologize to your daughter for (1)
and youth. (Also the fact that the indiscretion involved keeping the relationship from her for so long (your
a different ex-boyfriend who begged and pleaded for daughter may be losing sleep over things she told her
one final hurrah—and then I told the then-current friend before she found out you were fucking) and
[now-ex] boyfriend that it was forced, which it wasn’t, (2) the “inconsequential” invasion of her privacy that
which the then-current [now-ex] boyfriend rightly already took place. Then give your daughter the space
didn’t believe.) she needs and the privacy she has a right to.

I know my reasons are selfish: I want to explain I will be answering love and sex questions in
myself, I want to move on, I want to be forgiven. But Questionland on April 22. Visit thestranger.com/
if he wanted to be in contact with me, he would be. questionland to ask me questions and see my answers.
And yet, like a crazed idiot, I still hold out hope that
someday he’ll contact me or that we’ll bump into each mail@savagelove.net
other. Should I contact him?

Can’t Let Go

14 April 22, 2010


april 22, 2010 15