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THE TORIES: ARE THEY EVIL?

A COMPLIMENTARY BRIEFING BY THE AUTHORS OF IS IT JUST ME OR IS EVERYTHING SHIT? ADDRESSING WHETHER THE TORIES ARE EVIL OR WHETHER IN FACT THEY ARE NOT EVIL

THE TORIES | ARE THEY EVIL?
Is the election spin of a new “progressive” whistle” manifesto, the right-wing one, for Michael Howard. Vote Cameron, get Howard. Not literally. But also, yes: literally. But not actually literally.

Conservative Party just a cover for deep evil? Yes it is. Here is some evidence…

“The funkiest, most jiving party on A right bunch Earth” (Boris Johnson) • One of the Tories main men is William Hague, who isn’t
Cameron has changed everything, even apologising for things like supporting murderous dictators like Pinochet, Tory youth groups wanting to hang Nelson Mandela, all that... Luckily, foaming nutjobs aren’t allowed anywhere near the modern party. Well: • Except for the Young Britons Foundation, the self-styled “Conservative madrasa”, which trains up many new candidates, advisors and wonks and supports torture and climate change denial. President Daniel Hannan is the Conservative MEP who popped up on US TV last year to call the NHS “a sixty-year mistake”. NHS? He hates those bastards. • Then there’s the Romford council candidate, Osman Dervish, who runs the online Augusto Pinochet Fan Club. He sounds like he might still be into Pinochet. • No more racism, though: Cameron even met “a black man in Plymouth” and there are loads of black candidates now – although their faces are sometimes removed from party literature (eg a campaign calendar in Barking). Still, it’s definitely it’s better than classic 60s Tory election slogans like “If you want a nigger for neighbour, vote Labour”. very new. He does have the distinction, following a speech as leader fearing Britain becoming “a foreign land” swamped by immigrants, of being probably the only Tory leader ever denounced by the Sun for being “too right wing”. Still, don’t piss him off too much, he does judo. • Then there’s Chris Grayling, the Shadow Home Secretary who reckons gays shouldn’t be allowed to stay in B&Bs. Good job no-one’s proposing to make him Home Secretary or anything. • Boris Johnson has the common-touch – he rolls his sleeves up for photos, anyway. But then he refers to £250,000 a year for waffling out his Telegraph column as “chicken feed” – which is just wrong (unless he keeps really, really, really big chickens, which he may). • The Tories really should make more of their North East Somerset candidate, 40-year old Jacob Rees-Mogg. He was caught campaigning with his own nanny, saying: “If I’ve got a nanny, I’ve got a nanny. And if anybody doesn’t like it – tough!” Meanwhile, his sister Annunziata Rees-Mogg is standing in the neighbouring constituency of Somerset and Frome. Still, they are locals – local landowners. Old school!

Cometh the hour, cometh the Dave
But look at Cameron himself. He can’t be evil: his training shoes are made out of the trousers of firemen (FACT) (very weird, yes, but still a FACT). Ah, but: • A member of the Heythrop Hunt, he devoted a significant proportion of his 2001 maiden speech to hunting (he was anti… not really!). These days, he doesn’t revel in his love of shooting up the wildlife nearly so often. Not in public anyway. • His only job outside political wonkery (PR man at Carlton Television) was secured by “a phone call from Buckingham Palace”. Maybe it was the Queen? We just don’t know. (We’re not saying it was – we literally don’t know.) (It could have been Philip.) • The Rise Of Clegg has, of course, thrown Cameron right off. He was supposed to be the shiny new posh bloke in this election! Wah! Must attack, must attack! But then, oh no, he can’t attack without looking all right-wing, like Michael Howard. So… saying what he wants to say would make him look all right-wing, like Michael Howard. Well, Cameron did write – with his own actual hands – the party’s 2005 “dog

A rich history
Cameron calls them the “progressive” party but the Tories have ever and always been the party of privilege, the guys for anyone wishing to make their way to the top by standing on the faces of others, greasing the way with the tears of the poor. Is that what you want, mumsnet? Well, is it? • The Tories’ roots in post-Civil War England lie in supporting absolute monarchy (as opposed to the greasy oligarchy of Parliament). Now that’s top-down power: one man, all the power. The Tories are, to be fair, not quite as elitist as that any more (they like greasy oligarchies now). • In the 19th century, the party waged virtual war – with swords – against people campaigning for democracy. Wellington thought giving more people the vote was “evil”. • The Tories voted against the establishment of the NHS. “It’s a mistake! And evil!” they said. • Shhh. Don’t mention the 80s. Shhh.

A rich present
The Tory campaign has been funded by a tiny handful of rich people. There is even a Leaders’ Group of donors: 50 grand

THE TORIES | ARE THEY EVIL?
guarantees direct access to Cameron (that is, face time, with Cameron’s face). Wonder what they talk to him about? iTunes playlists, baking tips, things the Tories can do for the wealthy... registered in Belize. Why doesn’t he go and get involved in Belize politics? Oh, he has… In fact, he stands accused – by the Belize prime minister – of “subjugating Belize”, which is quite some charge (have you ever subjugated a central American country? On your own?). He has also been known to entertain Tory campaign staff with his impression of Bond villain Blofeld, using a toy white cat. This happened. It is a FACT.

• Donating/lending millions (seven, in fact) is rabidly Eurosceptic Swiss banker Henry Angest, who UKIP claim is “working from within” to make the already Eurosceptic party even more Eurosceptic. Christ, what does he want them to do: launch a pre-emptive nuclear strike? He also doesn’t like “punitive taxation” - ie, taxation. But is it also the future? • Lord Ashcroft, the man buying the Tories marginal seats by pumping in his cash (by the millions), is famously a non-dom

THOSE BENCHMARKS FOR BRITAIN AT A GLANCE
Broken Britain Look around. You will see a Britain chockfull of rapists, unmarrieds, drunk dads and lazy paedos. “There are kids who are more likely to see their dad drunk than doing a day’s work,” said Cameron, “This country is absolutely fucked.” Big Society Britain is full of people who actively want to, and should be, put in charge of schools. And libraries, parks, car parks, arks, sharks, anything really… Cuts Shhh. Don’t mention the cuts. The Tories did mention cuts loads – cuts cuts cuts cuts cuts! – before realising people didn’t like cuts that much, so now they pretend they’re not looking forward to cuts quite so much. So: shhh. Rebuilding the economy So how did the Tories respond to the meltdown? By declaring that anything more than just letting it all go to buggery was, in the words of George Osborne, “the politics of Fidel Castro”. So, exactly the guy to rely on to think about people and jobs. Not like the 80s. Oh, sorry – we’re not supposed to mention the 80s, are we? Or the 30s. Waste The Tories will eliminate waste. Nobody likes waste; it’s just a waste. And the Tories will cut a billion pounds worth. No, hang on, six billion. Sod it – why not £100bn if we’re just sucking figures out of our arse? But anyway, they’ll get rid of all that wasteful waste – like teaching assistants sitting round all day eating buns and torching fivers. Tax Cutting inheritance tax for the wealthy. And cutting income tax for the rich. So that’s the wealthy and the rich taken care of. Efficient. Marriage Cameron is mad for marriage, once berating advisor Steve Hilton in front of a room full of colleagues for not being married (he is now). At weddings, Cameron always runs for the bouquet. And he always gets it. “Golly, I love marriage,” he says, stepping over friends of the bride he has just knocked to the ground. Environment Turns out the new Tory intake actually hates going green and much prefers staying blue. Asked to rank issues in order of importance, they placed the environment 19th out of 19. Couldn’t they have put it at 18? You know, just for form’s sake? Europe Contrary to popular opinion, the Tories love Europe and Europeans. The Europeans they love most (and sit with, and organise with, in the European Parliament) are the anti-Semitic homophobes. By their friends ye shall know them. Delivering evil, loads of it, given even half a chance And this is just what they’ve let out of the goodie-bag. The Tories’ 1979 manifesto never mentioned (not even once) privatisation, ie Thatcher’s hallmark. Likewise, the new one doesn’t say: “We’re coming to fuck you up”. Ergo they are, in fact, coming to fuck you up. That’s just logic. Or maybe it’s actually just intuition? Anyway, it’s true. Dreadful people, really. Conclusion? Evil!