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9/11/14- Today I had an apparent eureka moment.

I realized that maybe the loss

of my memory is a good thing, it could be God's way of protecting me from the e
motional pain and potential to cause depression that comes from all my bad memor
ies. For example: almost all the memories i have from my childhood, both at ho
me and in school until college, are bad and not worth remembering cause then I c
ompare them to the happy times of other people's youth and it would make me depr
essed. Then there's the many memories produced from all my failures, whether it
be in med school, the U of A, or just at life in general. Sure there were some
good memories mixed in with them, but you can't get to the good without being c
ompletely surrounded and overwhelmed by the bad.
Likewise, it used to bre
ak my heart when I thought about how I've lost all the memories I made with Joel
le because those were mostly good memories, unlike the ones from my youth. But
I was assuming that my relationship with Joelle was a long-term one, and that as
sumption appears to be wrong. Therefore, maybe God is allowing those memories t
o be erased to make it easier to move on from her once I do get my health back,
because I'll have to realize that my relationship with her was only meant to be
temporary, as a means to help me get through the darkest and most painful time i
n my life. If all those memories with her were still fresh in my brain at the t
ime of my healing then it would be a lot harder to move on and I would be confus
ed, because I would keep wondering if I'm supposed to find another woman conside
ring how happy I was with Joelle. That could lead me to stay with her longer an
d pass up an opportunity God was preparing for me all along. Without those memo
ries I'll have less emotional conflict and a stronger will to make the difficult
but necessary decision to end that particular chapter in my life, no matter how
scary a future without her, and potentially without any woman, might be.
Likewise, it's not just my memories of people, places, and events that are gone,
it's also my memories of facts and information that I prided myself on and used
to form my identity. All the knowledge of the brain, biochemistry, health, and
nutrition I spent countless hours and energy finding and retaining- it's gone,
like I never knew it at all. That also broke my heart, but now I'm at peace wi
th it, and again I see God's hand in it where before I didn't. That knowledge a
nd information swelled my brain but also swelled my ego, and I placed most of my
value and self-worth/self esteem in having that wide range of knowledge. (CONT
Maybe this is God's way of giving me a fresh start in li
fe. I thought having all my memories wiped would be a bad thing cause our memor
ies are part of our identity and make us who we are, but if they're mostly bad,
then maybe we should wanna change who we are, which requires making new memories
and erasing old ones that are no longer relevant and are in fact toxic. If God
does miraculously heal me one day, then not having to deal with all the emotion
al baggage of my memories would make it a lot easier to start a new life and bec
ome a new person.