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Jamerson 1

I dont know why my comments didnt save on the draft that I emailed back to you during the
conference, so I do understand why not much has been done since that draft. But this essay isnt
yet doing what the assignment requires, which is to focus on a specific topic and explain how
research from three different sources relates to that topic.
Ive given a suggestion in the comments below to narrow the topic to how dance impacts energy
levels and why that might be useful for a target group of people of your choice. But it will also
be important for you to incorporate more sources and to elaborate more on the points that you
make in a more general way, not just about your own experiences. In fact, academic papers will
very seldom focus on your specific experienceby nature, they will focus on a broad experience
and what a more general audience can learn about it. Theres revision to do, but this is a neat
topic and Im excited to see what you do with it!

See rubric on next page and comments on essay following that.

Jamerson 2

Essay 1 Rubric: Problem Overview Essay


Name: LaDarius Jamerson
Unadjusted Grade: D
Bonus?: 0
Deductions?: 0
TOTAL GRADE: 65%
Below are the most important categories that factor into the grade. Please note that some
categories are weighted more than others, and that a score below C in any category will lower
your grade by at least a letter. Please see me if you are unsure of how to read this rubric!
FOCUS:
A
B
C
D
F
The topic should be focused on a subject that can be discussed in 650-800 words. As
discussed in class, the topic should include an aspect of the subject as well as a specific type;
generally speaking, it will also include a targeted group (i.e., the effects on lung health of
increasing avocado oil consumption in middle-aged smokers). The thesis statement should
either give an argument that a problem needs to be recognized or an argument that a
problem needs to be solved a certain way. The essay itself should stay focused on this
narrow topic and explore it in detail.
SOURCES: A
B
C
D
F
The essay should use at least three sources of at least average quality. Each source should be
introduced by giving context for the quotation. Each quotation, paraphrase, or summary should
be explained in terms of how it relates to the topic. The evidence should appropriate support the
points being made. The evidence should do more than just repeat what the writer has already
said. Each quotation, paraphrase, or summary should be cited correctly. There should be a
works cited page that follows the rules discussed in class. There should be no dropped quotes.
ORGANIZATION: A
B
C
D
F
The essay should include an introduction that gives background and leads quickly to the
thesis statement. Each paragraph should be focused on one main idea at a time. There
should be topic sentences for each paragraph that identify the main idea of the paragraph
and explain how that main idea relates to the thesis when necessary. Each paragraph
should flow logically from one idea to the next. There should be a conclusion paragraph
that summarizes the most important ideas and explains how they relate to the thesis
statement.
GRAMMAR/FORMAT:
A
B
C
D
F
The essay should use effective grammar and style. Paper should be formatted according to the
instructions on the How to Format Your Paper handout (1 margins, double-spaced, no
additional 10 pt. spaces between paragraphs, 12-point Times New Roman font, page number/last
name in header, correct heading in upper left of body/not in heading, centered title, indented
paragraphs). 2-point deduction for each formatting error.

Jamerson 3

LaDarius Jamerson
Professor Wilson
English
12 March 2015
My Health and the Arts
Being a Theatre Major, I usually deal with communication, problem solving, and stress. I
lose sleep, time, and patience. The list can go on and grow because I deal with this every day.
Most people think that people in the arts are weird and maybe out of shape in a physical sense. In

Comment [m1]: This kind of language was


appropriate for a topic rationale, but not for a
formal essayso here, just eliminate as many
I statements as you can so that it is
immediately obvious that the essay applies to
more than just you. So, something like,
Theatre Majors usually deal with

all honesty, we, as fine arts individuals, get stronger everyday as we face these obstacles in our
lives. We learn to fail, to accept, to know, and to grow.
There are ways in the arts that makes us healthy emotionally, mentally, and physically. I,
for example, have a way to work on my health which makes me step away from theatre in its

Comment [m2]: In revision, I suggest


combining this paragraph with the intro because
it gets to your pointthat dance makes one
healthy. Perhaps narrow even farther to the
ways that dance creates energy. (See
comments on next paragraphs.

problem solving, heavy lifting point of view, into a nurturing physical point of view: Dance.
Dance has been around for millions of years. Dance is to be one with nature. Dance is to be
healing. Dance is to be healthy.
It is mentioned in Everyday Health that there are nine health benefits of Dance (Knight). I
believe all of these benefits are true because I have experienced them myself. One of the benefits
is that Dance Boosts your Energy (Knight). Dancing helps me create positive energy and it

Comment [m3]: Okthe next couple of


paragraphs focus on energy, which suggests to
me that that is really the topic of this paper. So
here, you might focus on how dance actually
creates positive energysounds like you mean
spiritual energy in this paragraph?and make
that the topic sentence. Mention Knight only
when it directly supports your pointor perhaps
as background in intro.

makes me feel better about myself at the end of the day. Dancing has that ability to connect your
mind to your heart, and from your heart to your soul. Dancing has always been an uplifting
activity because of the freedom it gives to the body. Being able to make a certain move that
moves you is a great example of having this positive energy of freedom.

Then, youd use this paragraph to talk about


how a certain group of people (one that youd
narrow down and target in the intro) needs this
specific kind of spiritual energy. Talk about how
they need the spiritual renewal that dance
brings, and then explain how dance does that.

Jamerson 4

When I am upset or wanting to let go of something, I use dance as an energy source to get
rid of the negative energy. Stress can be a negative energy source on a person, and Dance is a
stress reliever because of its energy (Knight). As a Capricorn, I think too much. I worry too

Comment [m4]: I like here how youve tied


dance to a way to relieve stress to a way to
release ENERGY. This is nice. So you could
talk again here about how your target group
experiences stresshow stress is a kind of
energyand how dance can fix that.

much. And I definitely stress because of that. Dancing is a way to let go all of your worries and
leave the world and go into your own. It is a sort of meditation. It is a way that I get by the day.
Dance has also kept my physical appearance in shape in the most important ways. I have
lost 28 lbs since I have started dance my Freshman year as a dance minor. Dancing improves my
stamina and my eating habits. Dancing is known for extreme physical activity and it is beneficial
for everyday life. To be able to get in shape, while meditating and healing from whatever
personal stress a person may have, is just enough to show that it is beneficial to everyday life.

Comment [m5]: Id cut this paragraph since it


does not talk about energy. Possibly reframe
as a paragraph on physical energy?

Jamerson 5

Works Cited
Knight, Madeline. "9 Health Benefits of Dance." EverydayHealth.com. Web. 15 Feb.
2015. <http://www.everydayhealth.com/fitness-pictures/health-benefits-of-dance.aspx#04>.

Comment [m6]: Use a hanging indent.