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Named “Best Publication on Campus” by the Dayly Campus (“Best of” Reader’s Poll

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themuddler.smu@gmail.com www.scribd.com/TheMuddler

Volume Three, Issue 9 & 10 May 2010

Epic Fail of the Year: PC’s Concert
Comedy Central edits South Park for being offensive. Where were they when Mind of Mencia was on? Continuing its tradition of excellence, SMU fires many of its competent faculty to fund President Turner’s ‘Fountain of Broken Dreams’. Many Lambda Chis expelled from frat for “conduct unbecoming a gentleman.” Lesson: always give reach-arounds. Thousands “a bit shaken up” after recent earthquake. Disillusioned graduating seniors learn the American Bar Association has no relationship to alcohol. Bemoans one senior, “Why did I even go to college if I can’t show up for work hammered?” Many Lambda Chis expelled from frat. Another one bites the pillow. Highland Park PD shuts down Big Boi’s performance, claiming they “didn’t realize he was black.” Many Lambda Chis expelled from frat. Annual “Rinse, Lather, Repizza” party cancelled. If you are interested in writing for The Muddler or if you want to subscribe to the digital version of The Muddler, please alert us through e-mail at ‘themuddler.smu@gmail.com

SMU— Program Council looked like a couple of retards trying to hump a doorknob when their outdoor concert, featuring Big Boi and Girl Talk, was cancelled. The loud, blaring music was supposedly the surprise cause of the cancellation. Big Boi rapped 45-minutes before the police arrived, and Girl Talk never performed, leaving fans with collective blue balls. We all understand that mistakes happen. It’s okay. What’s not okay, however, is writing an Op-Ed for The Dayly Campus, asking us not to ignore the “positive aspects” of the concert—which brings us to a segment we shamelessly steal from SNL: Really!?! Program Council’s Concert Chair wrote on April 27, “I understand that we are inconveniently located smack in the middle of a residential neighborhood, but I figured that our neighbors would be understanding . . .” Really!?! Really, you “figured” University Park residents would be understanding of a loud rap concert on a weekday night. Gee, and I “fig-

ured” you guys weren’t morons. The Concert Chair added, “Others are saying we should have put the concert indoors - but think about Big Boi and Girl Talk in, say, McFarlin Auditorium: awkward.” Really? Do you think it would have been more awkward than, say, the concert being shut down half way through? Really!?! “What we all seem to forget,” the Chair continued, “is Big Boi had an unbelievable 45-minute set.” Really!?! Well, if I forgot it, it was probably because when the nearly 1,400 people at the concert learned it was cancelled, we stopped thinking about Big Boi and started thinking about how to survive the riot that was brewing. Seriously, it was about to become an all white version of Do the Right Thing. Program Council spent a shitton of our tuition dollars on this late-term abortion of a concert. I’d rather they rolled up our money and smoked it, because you’d have to be high as balls to fuck up this badly and then write an Op-Ed stating: “I don’t regret any of it.”

The Muddler

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Good Christian Advice is written by syndicated columnist Christian Cornwallis who has been imparting his vast knowledge on those in need for many years for the general betterment of humankind. Christian is currently a practicing gentleman of leisure and can be reached at ‘themuddler. smu@gmail.com’. If you have any questions please send them with the heading Dear Christian or add him as your friend on Facebook.

many people know this, but I am Muhammad reincarnate. As you can see to the left, the writers at The Muddler have not censored my image. Granted, I do have a hand over my face. However, those offended at the picture of me, Muhammad, can reach The Muddler at: The Dayly Campus P.O. Box 55555 Dallas, TX 75205 Best, Christian Cornwallis ----------------------------------------------Dear Christian, My husband is a computer programmer. When he calls me from work I can hear him typing on his keyboard. I find this as rude as people texting while they’re in the company of others. My husband thinks it is just fine and becomes angry if I mention it. What do you think? -Wits-end Wife WW, I also find it rude that he is dictating his emails and work to his secretary while he’s on the phone with you. How are you to know when he’s talking to her and when he’s talking to you?

Oh wait, I just reread your letter. Apparently, he’s doing his own typing? I’m lost here. I’ve never typed or been in a situation where I would be required to type. Sorry I can’t be of any help. Best, Christian Cornwallis P.S. Any typos found in my responses are the sole responsibility of my secretary. ---------------------------------------------Dear Christian, As my friends and I near graduation, a mere two weeks away, I wonder about proper etiquette for going out to dinner. When should we split the check, when should we just throw in cash, etc.? Any advice would be great. -Grubbing Graduate GG, Let me recommend the greatest method possible. Credit card roulette. This will quickly separate the men from the boys. Everyone puts their credit card into a pot and lets the waitress pick the loser. One pays, and the others will enjoy the spoils of missing the bill bullet. Best, Christian Cornwallis

Dear CC, My buddy and I run a little show called South Park. Recently, we ran into a bit of trouble when Network Executives at Comedy Central censored Muhammad out of one of our episodes. Since you seem to have humongous balls and no consideration for how other people feel, we were wondering if you might be able to find a way to print an image of Muhammad in your column. This would help our case in trying to get the image of Muhammad uncensored in our show. Best of Luck, Trey Parker and Matt Stone Dear TP & MS, My column features an image of Muhammad every month. Not

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The Muddler

A Muddler How To: Picking Up Abroad
Hey Mustangs, it’s that time again to decide what you are doing during the next academic year. Most will decide to spend another year at SMU. Some brave students, however, will venture out into the world for a study abroad adventure. SMU’s other student publications will advise you on living in a culturally different country and experimenting with different foods, music, and leisure activities. But we here at The Muddler know that’s not your main concern and encourage you to show those foreigners how Americans do it . . . literaly. For your pleasure (hopefully), we present these Muddler verified pick-up lines. Argentina This country may have good meat, but give me uno segundo, and I’ll put it to shame. China I also believe in a one child policy, and girl, you are always going to be my one and only baby. Thailand Hey girl, have you ever been to Bangkok? I can take you there tonight. Roundtrip. Uganda Doctors say semen is a great source of protein, and damn baby you look hungry. Mexico There ain’t no border that can separate me from you tonight. Not even one with a river and rednecks guarding it with guns.

Jamaica It’s nice to meet you, beautiful. Would you like to smoke my joint? Czech Republic I just walked through the forest naked, would you Czech me for ticks?

Brazil Hey girl, do you like soccer because you can Pelé (pay-LAY) with my balls any time. Kenya I can help you with your drought, girl, I’ll be irrigating your sub-saharan region all night tonight. Australia Can I put my shrimp on your body because you are one hot barbie. France You might as well surrender now because I’m invading your borders whether you like it or not. Israel You can call me a Chanukah candle because I can light your fire for eight straight nights. Hungary The only thing I’m hungry for in this whole country is your body covered in chocolate.

Austria I’ve got the soundtrack to the Sound of Music in my room. How bout we drink some Absinthe and bone to the beat? Japan I know I’m the tallest guy in the country, but I swear to God my cock’s not very big. Fiji I don’t know a damn thing about Fiji, please just fuck me tonight. New Zealand You can’t beat fresh fruit. I love how Kiwis are furry . . . and juicy on the inside. You are from here, right? Afghanistan Damn girl are you with Al Qaeda, cause them titties are some weapons of mass seduction. So good luck, and remember, wrap it up.

May 2010

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Laura Bush Vetoes Exercise Poles for New Bush Presidential Library

UNIVERSITY PARK, Texas— As new blueprints were released for the George W. Bush Presidential Center, Laura Bush raised a red flag and vetoed what the former president calls a “key design layout-type element.” The disagreement stems from W’s insistence on “exercise poles” in the middle of the library. “They’ll be a tasteful way for young college girls to get loose after sitting in their desks for too long. “Everyone will be able to kick back and relax and we’ll even have special nights where the lights will be real low in the whole building except for the spot lights on the exercise poles,” explained George Bush in an exclusive Muddler interview at his favorite O’Douls During the Christmas season, the spotlights will be colored dispensary, Quik Trip. The former president red just like the fountains. was quick to add the caveat “no fatties. We want people to enjoy themselves.” All interested applicants shouldn’t be discouraged though; The Muddler is continuing on the former president’s good work and will be holding auditions at our headquarters this coming Saturday . . . let’s say eight o’clock.

Fire Drill ‘Just For Funsies, Y’all’, Admits Unpopular Boaz Hall RA

Park ‘N Pony Profiling Scandal Unveiled
SMU— The massive number of BMWs on the SMU campus finally has a non-monetary explanation. It seems that Park ‘N Pony has been actively export-

SMU— Residents of Boaz Hall received a rude awakening after that one female RA no one likes pulled the fire alarm at 4 a.m. last Friday. “This isn’t a drill, y’all,” the RA announced to a lawn full of hungover freshmen. “It’s a super-duper floor social!” The RA’s enthusiasm was met with moans and profanity, including cries of “fuck this noise,” “these Hall mixers are bullshit,” and “where the hell did I leave my goddamn pants?” “Isn’t it beautiful outside?” squealed the RA in response to the complaints. “It’s still dark out! We can watch the sunrise, y’all!” The RA pulled out a backpack full of Fruit Loops and Hawaiian Punch and began to offer snacks to her residents. But most were asleep on the grass. Frustrated, the RA chastised her group, reminding them of how hard she worked on “making this event fun for everyone.” She then proceeded to attempt a team-building excercise by asking her residents, “If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?” Her residents then dumped the boxes of Fruit Loops into the bushes in protest. “Do you want me to kill myself?” screamed the irate RA. “Wow, that was an overreaction,” stated one of her residents, “but yes,” she added as she followed the rest of her hallmates back into the dorm. Twenty minutes later, Boaz residents were awoken again, this time for the semester’s regularlyscheduled fire drill.

Read citation. This is an actual ticket. “Car doesn’t fit SMU standard.” For $100. Park ‘N Pony, you’ve out-douched yourselves.

ing non-exports off-campus. “That’s not true!” declared Park ‘N Pony representative Mark Todd. “We also allow Range Rovers, Audis, and most Italian sports cars.” However, Todd did not deny that he and other Park ‘N Pony officers had been ticketing and towing cars that do not fit the “SMU Standard.” “We have a certain image to uphold,” said Todd. “And a Chrysler doesn’t fit into that carefully crafted image. So fuck you, if you don’t like it. What can your non-rich parents do about it?”

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The Muddler

Student Laments Failure to Achieve A Real Dayly Campus Article: ‘The Most Bad-Ass Schedule Ever’ The Glory of Glory Holes
SMU— Despite careful planning and attention to detail, SMU sophomore Brandon Snowden was unable to obtain his “perfect schedule” as many of the classes he wanted filled up before his enrollment time. “My life is PURE MISERY!!!” Snowden screamed as he shook his fists toward the heavens when he realized he would be forced to take the 8:00-9:20 AM Microeconomics class on Tuesday and Thursday next semester. “I had it all planned out. I would’ve had Monday and Friday off and no classes till noon,” whined Snowden. “Now I not only have class on those days, but I also have hour long breaks between all of my classes. That’s not enough time to do anything except jerk off, and that’s the last thing I need to do more of.” In addition to Snowden’s meticulous planning, the Snowden after failing to business major reportedly achieve perfect schedule. spent countless hours bragging about his now defunct schedule to his friends before it blew up in his face. “I’m kind of glad this happened,” said one of Snowden’s friends. “I can’t tell you how many times I was forced to endure his constant ramblings about how amazing his schedule was going to be.” His friend then went on to explain how Snowden marched around campus with a pretentious swagger which he described as “hella annoying.” With no regard to his friends’ and others’ patience, Snowden has reportedly spent the last two weeks complaining to whomever will listen . . . and some who won’t. “This is just perfect,” complained one of Snowden’s unlucky suitemates. “Truth be told, I actually took the last spot in the philosophy perspective he wanted just for sweet vengeance.” While Snowden’s whining is likely to continue for a few more weeks, Snowden showed some signs of recovery by looking forward to “screwing the underclassmen next semester” when he’ll get to choose prime classes before they can.

Long before The Dayly Campus was known for uncovering the secrets of the SMU Board of Trustees, they wrote about men who put their penises through holes. Published on September 24, 2002, the article quoted below also happens to be the funniest thing ever printed in an SMU publication. Again, we repeat, this is real. “SMU is once again gaining a reputation as a hot spot for anonymous sexual encounters in building bathrooms. “According to recent police reports, a custodian found two men having sexual intercourse in the second floor bathroom of the Fondren Science building on Sept. 12. An officer later found a five-inch hole between the last two stalls that the men allegedly used. Both of the men were not affiliated with the university. “The hole, also known as a ‘glory hole’, is used in unusual homosexual practices between men who wish to remain anonymous to one another. One man puts his genitals through the hole, while another man in the next stall on the other side of the hole performs a variety of sexual activities including oral sex. “This is not the first time SMU has been a center for ‘glory hole’ activity. The Daily Campus first reported on the Fondren Science hole in 1998. [...] “In 1998, a Web site ranked SMU as one of the top ‘tea rooms’, or toilet areas friendly to glory hole activity, in Dallas. Several groups of unaffiliated men were caught by Digital Commons staff in the library’s basement. “But on Sept. 17, 2002, police once again discovered two different men engaging in sexual activity in the third floor bathroom of Fondren Science Building. This time, the men were found standing inside separate stalls, each facing one another with their pants down to the floor. One of the men was a student and was referred to the judicial officer. The other was not affiliated and received a criminal trespass warning. Officers discovered another hole cut between the stalls at waist level [...] “Had the officer seen the men in the act, the two men would have been arrested for participating in sexual activity in a public restroom, which is classified as a class A misdemeanor.”

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‘Who The Hell Is Ron Kirk?’ Questions Everyone
SMU— The announcement of Ron Kirk as the SMU Trade Representative in the Obama administration? I heard that fool hooks up some good blow too.”— graduation commencement speaker is receiving negative reviews, mostly because no one knows senior, political science major. “I went to SMU for six years and this who the hell Ron Kirk actually is. is what I get? I’ve never even heard of The Muddler staff decided to survey Jon Burke.”—senior, EMIS major. SMU students to find out if any of them The upheaval among SMU seniors knew of Mr. Kirk. Here were some of the answers: over this unknown commencement speaker has raised quite a stir. Students “Ronny Kirk? Isn’t he that SAE who is have been seen around campus holding always hookin’ up that fire blow?”—se“Kirk is a Jerk” signs and have threatnior CCPA major. ened to boycott graduating for another “Never heard of him. Sounds like a semester, or even a year. queer.”—senior, finance major. One SMU senior Lec “Szlag” Zbysze“Yeah Kirky was my homeboy freshman year. He always used to load the Ron Kirk apparently is Al Roker wski summed up the atmosphere, look-a-like with weird hands. “I don’t really care. I’ll just have my fattest bowls. Why does he get to speak at commencement again?”—fifth-year senior, parents pay for me to go to SMU until we can get a legit commencement speaker. Kirk is a jerk. Peace undecided. out ninjas.” “Wasn’t he the mayor of Dallas and the current

Rikers Inmates Tire of Lil’ Wayne’s Shenanigans
just annoying and his verbal style is getting repetiNEW YORK CITY— Inmates at New York’s Rikers tive, repetitive.” Island Penitentiary have put in an official request In a recent phone interview with Lil’ Wayne, he that Lil’ Wayne be transfered to “anywhere but here,” claimed a rep for the 14,000 plus men locked had this to say: “If these other inmates can’t handle my flow, catheter, then I shouldn’t up with the rapper. be the one to move they should, fifth Lil’ Wayne, born Dwayne Carter Jr., grade logic. was sentenced to one year in Rikers “I’m Young Money, Cash Money, following gun charges. Although he motherfuck the other side, Red Hot has only been in prison for less than Chili Peppers, they can fuck with us a month, the general population of if they want, I bring them homicide, hardened criminals can “no longer killing. stand his need to follow up everything he says with a snappy witticism “I’m just in heeere putting in my time, clocks, and keeping my nose to further describe it.” clean, hygiene. “It was fun at first when we sat “E’eryone’s been really cool with down for lunch, meal time. But me, leaving me alone, lonely, and now its grown old, Larry King,” said they rarely even ask me to spit fire, Dejuan Johnson, a fellow inmate dragon.” of Young Moolah’s. Johnson then Lil’ Wayne reportedly needs “Cash, paused for a second to mutter to Weezy, the inventor of the term money, hoes, bitches,” in his life. “bling-bling,” seemed unfazed by himself, “Don’t let him get to you . . . the other inmates’ constant threats of violence and .” It was weird. When we started back up, Johnson told The Mud- insistence that he relocate, House Hunters. Stay with The Muddler as this story continues to dler, “We were all excited to hear his raps and have develop, Kodak. some entertainment, but we quickly realized he’s

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The Muddler

A Day Without Shoes

SMU— The annual “Day Without Shoes” event successfully raised student awareness of the joys of not wearing shoes. Countless participants quickly discovered that their lives were much better off barefoot when they touched their tender feet to the soft and springy grass in front of Dallas Hall. Throughout the day, students could be seen throwing Frisbees, lounging on beach towels, and completely ignoring the whole reason the event existed in the first place. “Gee, I really don’t see why I don’t do this more often” said one student as she leisurely read in the shade under a tree in the balmy afternoon. Other students found that not wearing shoes proved to be a pleasurable experience, as shoeless students were bombarded with free movie tickets near the flagpole. Lee Sanders recalled: “I was just minding my own business when some girl randomly walked up, congratulated me about expressing concern for something, and gave me free tickets. It was awesome!” Sanders reportedly walked by this area numerous times and received more free tickets during each pass. “I don’t feel bad exploiting the naïve but wellintentioned students distributing tickets,” the student responded. “Before they can help exploited people, they must first understand what it’s like being exploited themselves.” While the “Day Without Shoes” lasted for just one day, many students were already looking forward to ignoring Africa for another full year.

Rap Lyric of the Month:
“The only time I will depend is when I’m seventy years old That’s when I can’t hold my shit within so I shit on myself ‘Cause I’m so sick and tired of shitting on everybody else” “Sleeping on a nigga like I’m rapping in my jammies / I’m rapping when you sleep, I was rapping when you were in jammies / Mel Gibson flow Lethal Weapon, book ‘em Danny” Song: “I’m Me” by Lil’ Wayne

The New & Improved Dayly Campus, Now Brought to You Without Facts
SMU— The Dayly Campus recently investigated the overly secretive SMU Board of Trustees in an effort to be taken more seriously. But as the laundry list of retractions in the following issue showed, The Dayly Campus has accepted the end of the semester as a time to graduate from typos to factual errors. Some have accused The Dayly Campus as slanderous, but this is wrong and extremely offensive. It is libel, because it is written. Slander is spoken. However, the real problem was The Dayly Campus didn’t dig deep enough. Sure they exposed some shady ways the Board operates, but not once did they mention their annual Eyes Wide Shut-style orgy. Nor did they mention that during the summers, President R. Gerald Turner likes to sacrifice goats and run their blood through his precious fountains while he bathes in it. Hopefully, the incoming editor-in-chief will realize this and not waste her time responding to trivial comments online with ill-thought out e-mail attacks.

Sex or Money? An Age Old Dilemma Settled
SMU— Which is more valuable, money or sex? A Their findings concluded the hooker-client relationship to be a complicated one. Money is exteam of Muddler scientists has spent the last two years of their lives devoted to this question. Here changed for sex, meaning sex is worth giving up are the results. money for. On the other hand, sex is given up for The most logical place to look in addressing this dilemma is to the world’s oldest money, making money the more valuable item in the exchange. Therefore, it works profession. The exchange of money for sex both ways. or goods has been in place since before Jesus Christ and, despite his protestations, So, if you’re expecting this article to settle the question it promsed to settle in has continued long after his crucifixion. The Muddler’s Senior its headline, you are sorely mistaken. So, The Muddler scientists went on a Sex Correspondent. lavish, all-expenses paid (by student senBut wait two more years, and Muddler ate, of course) trip to Amsterdam’s famed Red Light scientists say they will have a definitive answer. They just need some more time in Amsterdam. District.

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Sex, Drugs, and Hubris: The Downfall of The Muddler
When The Muddler first got the call from The BYX Island Party. They were discussing their reliNational Lampoon that it wanted to tap its leader to gious view when things turned violent for some reatake over their operations, no one ever could have son. In the sands of the Dedman volleyball courts imagined the carnage that ensued. the Sunni faction slaughtered the Shi’a faction with The leader of The Muddler obviously left for plastic cutlery, marking their dominance. greener pastures, stating, “I always wanted to be But before Sunni could enjoy his position of overpaid to do a job I’m under qualified for. Hopepower, his followers began challenging his authorfully they’ll fire me and give ity. He was soon killed when me a nice severance packhis number two poured age once they realize their poison in his ear while he mistake.” He did not name a slept. Then a more loyal folsuccessor. lower of Sunni, looking to In the absence of all avenge Sunni’s death, killed founding members, Mudan innocent staffer, believdler staffers began vying ing they were the one who for the official position as killed Sunni. Learning their leader. Two candidates soon mistake, the loyal follower distinguished themselves then truly avenged Sunni’s and split the staff into two death by killing the number factions. two but was then killed by One side claimed the line Last known picture of departing Muddler founders, sex another staffer avenging the offenders. Totally oblivious to the damage they’ve caused. death of the innocent one. of succession should follow the alphabet, passing to their choice (we’ll call him It was really convoluted. Sunni), as they had been programmed to line up in So, The Muddler is left up in the air. There is alphabetical order since they first attended school, no one left alive to carry on the important act of and the other side claimed the former leader had lampooning insignificant occurrences on the SMU actually named a successor (we’ll call her Shi’a) but campus. Except me. But who am I? That’s a secret decided not to tell anyone about it. I’ll never tell. You know you love me. XOXO. Gossip The two factions came to blows one day at the Girl.

Dane Brannan Dr Thane Economou, PhD Erik “Admiral BradRaybar” Olsen David de la Fuente Ryan Leech Greg Mandel Sarah Miller, Private Eye Morgan Schlesinger

The Muddler Staff

The Muddler is an independent satirical newspaper. The opinions expressed herewith are those of the individual authors and not the people who give us money to print this thing. The ideas, articles and features are a collaborative effort and are occasionally edited (but rarely). We lack a fact checking team but we have plenty of creative people to make up for it, that is we never let facts get in the way of a good story. Furthermore, The Muddler assumes no liability for any injuries you incur while reading, or if you miss the point. We welcome letters to the editors but only if they’re in the spirit of The Muddler. Cheers.

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