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========================================================= ====== Some old, some new, some all too true -There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and S#%*heads I got a sweater for Christmas... I really wanted a screamer or a moaner. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content. I saw a voluptuous woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, "Implants?" Sign In Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..." If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 2 dollars at bowling alleys. I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect. How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool? Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."
What is the best thing about dating a homeless woman? You can drop her off anywhere. What is the difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted. What should a woman say to a man she's just had sex with? Whatever she wants. He's sleeping. Where does virgin wool come from? Ugly sheep. How do you spot the blind man at a nudist colony? It isn't hard. How can you piss off your wife while making love? Call her from your cell phone. What does the bride of a Polish man get that's long and hard on her wedding night? ... His last name. What's the down side to a threesome? You could disappoint two women instead of just one. How do you know you're really ugly? Dogs close their eyes when they're humping your leg. Why are hurricanes named after women? Because they arrive wet and wild, then leave with your house and car A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl coming from the other direction. "Hello," said the little boy. "Hi," replied the little girl.
"Where are you going?" asked the little boy. "I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home," answered the little girl. "Me too," replied the little boy. "I'm also on my way home from church." "Which church do you go to?" asked the little boy. "I go to the Baptist church back down the road," replied the little girl. "What about you?" "I go to the Catholic church back at the top of the hill," replied the little boy. They discover that they are both going the same way so they decided that they'd walk together. They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had partially flooded the road so there was no way that they could get across to the other side without getting wet. "If I get my new Sunday dress wet my Mom's going to skin me alive," said the little girl. "My Mom'll tan my hide too if I get my new Sunday suit wet," replied the little boy. "I tell you what I think I'll do," said the little girl. "I'm gonna pull off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across." "That's a good idea," replied the little boy. "I'm going to do the same thing with my suit." So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting their clothes wet. They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting their clothes back on when the little boy finally remarked, "You know , I never did realize before just how much difference there really is between a Baptist and a Catholic." A 75-year-old man went to his doctor to get a sperm count. The Dr. gave him a jar, sent him home and told him to bring back a semen sample tomorrow. The next day, the 75-year-old man returned to the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this. ... First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arlene, the lady next door, and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked. "You asked your neighbor !!??" The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what all three of us tried, with our arthritis, we still couldn't get the jar open."
The owner of a small but growing business in a little town in Central Louisiana was confused about paying an invoice. Realizing that he had a highly educated secretary on his payroll, he decided to ask his blonde secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "Baby, yall graduated from LSU, did'n ya.... If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%..... how much would you take off......???" The sexy blonde secretary thought for a moment, then replied..... "Everyth'ang but muh ear-r'angs...." On the first day of their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy but sweet nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch. When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, "Because it's Lent." Almost in tears, she remarked, "Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard! Who did you lend it to, and for how long? HOW TO WASH THE CAT 1. Thoroughly clean the toilet. 2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water and have both lids up.
3. Find the cat and soothe him while you carry him toward the bathroom. 4. In one smooth, movement put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. The cat will self agitate to make ample suds. (You may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape.) Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this. CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for anything they can find. 5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "Power Wash" and Rinse", which I have found to be quite effective. 6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door. 7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids. 8. The now clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself. Sincerely, THE DOG
A female police officer pulled over a man for drunk driving and said, "You are under arrest. Anything you say can and will be held against you." The drunk replied, "Tits." A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of her daughters swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say "Your daughter is pregnant." The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would never compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy. The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon. The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?" "Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the East, and three wise men came. And I didn’t want to miss them this time."
Ever wonder where the word "shit" comes from. Well here it is: Certain types of manure used to be transported (as everything was back then) by ship. In dry form it weighs a lot less, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by-product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen, methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern. BOOOOM! Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was discovered what was happening. After that, the bundles of manure where always stamped with the term "S.H.I.T" on them which meant to the sailors to "Ship High In Transit." In other words, high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane. Logic Two rednecks meet in a bar and decide that they weren't going anywhere in life, so they decide to go to college to get ahead. They hop in a pickup and drive to the nearest university. While the second one waits out in the hall, the first goes in to one of the rooms and finds a professor who advises him to take Math, History, and Logic. "What's Logic?" asks the redneck. The professor replies, "Let me give you an example: Do you own a weedeater?" "I sure do," grins the redneck. "Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replies the professor. "That's real good," the redneck responds in awe. The professor continues: "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also have a house." Impressed, the redneck shouts "AMAZIN'!" "And since you own a house, logic suggests that you have a wife." "Betty Mae... this is incredible!" "Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," says the professor. "You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard of. I cain't wait to take this here logic class." The first redneck, grinning ear to ear with pride at the new world opening up to him, walks back into the hallway where his friend is waiting. "So what classes are ya takin'?" the friend asks. "Math, History, and Logic," replies the first redneck. "What in tarnation is Logic?" asks the friend.
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weedeater?" "No." "You're queer, ain't ya?
A little old lady wanted to join a biker club. She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers the door. She proclaims "I want to join your biker club." The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain biker requirements before she was allowed to join. So the biker asks her "You have a bike?" The little old lady says "Yea, that’s my Harley over there" and points to a Harley parked in the driveway. The biker asks her "Do you smoke?" The little old lady says "Yea, I smoke. I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars while I'm shooting pool." The biker is impressed and asks "Well, have you ever been picked up by the Fuzz?" The little old lady says "No, I've never been picked up by the fuzz, but I've been swung around by the nipples a few times."
A dad walks into a market with his young son. The boy is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help. A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds her newspaper and places it on the counter. Then she gets up from her seat and makes her way, nonhurriedly, across the market. Reaching the boy, the woman pulls the boy's pants down, carefully takes hold of his testicles, and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her profusely, saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before. It was fantastic. Are you a doctor?" "No," she says, "Divorce attorney."
If WalMart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing in the store is free yet? The little girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned." "What is it, my child?" The girl said, "Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am." The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, "My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin - it's only a mistake." The average income of the modern teenager is about 2 a.m. I have become like a hummingbird. Every day it eats its weight in food. "Deja Moo": The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before. A man and his wife are watching boxing on TV. The husband sighed and said, "I'm disappointed! It was all over in four minutes." His wife replied, "Good! now you know how I feel." It is well documented that for every mile that you jog, you add one minute to your life. This enables you, at age 85, to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5,000 per month. There are two ways to reach the top of an oak tree -- you can climb it, or you can sit on an acorn and wait. Don't byte off more than you can view. The geek shall inherit the earth. "Most general statements are false, including this one." The one good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you'll know when to cringe next time. Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you. A program is a device used to convert data into error messages. What is the definition of a Jewish nymphomaniac? She is a woman who will sleep with a man after she's had her hair done.
There is only one way to achieve happiness on this terrestrial ball, and that is to have either a clear conscience or none at all. -- Ogden Nash We must believe in free will. We have no choice. Anything preying on my mind would starve to death. "There is only one way to kill capitalism -- by taxes, taxes, and more taxes." Karl Marx A Texan, a Russian and a New Yorker go into a restaurant in London. The waiter says, "Excuse me, but if you wanted the steak you might not get one as there is a shortage." The Texan said, "What's a shortage?" The Russian said, "What's a steak?" The New Yorker said, "What's excuse me?" It took many hours, but they removed ALL of Tammy Faye Baker's make up; and do you know what they found? Jimmy Hoffa! "My wife's found the best method of birth control. She takes off her make-up." -- Rodney Dangerfield A seven-year old told her mom that a little boy in her class asked her to play doctor. "Oh, dear," the mother nervously sighed, "What happened honey?" "Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company." A rock ----->me<----- A hard place. Orville Wright said to his brother, Wilbur, "You were only in the air for twelve seconds. How could your luggage be in Cleveland?" The limerick packs laughs anatomical Into space that is quite economical, But the good ones I've seen So seldom are clean, And the clean ones so seldom are comical. ...but here is an exception!
A tutor who tooted a flute Tried to teach two young tooters to toot. Said the two to the tutor: "Is it harder to toot, or To tutor two tooters to toot? A small bird flew into the cockpit of a United Airlines plane at Dulles International, causing a three hour delay for a flight full of London bound travelers. Oddly, their luggage arrived in Tokyo right on time. Recently revealed statistics indicate that Hyundai, Kia and Yugo drivers are involved in the fewest accidents. Two of the reasons are: they tend to drive slower, and the car is usually in the shop. Resentment is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die. In the land of the witless, the halfwit is king. "It's a kind of spiritual snobbery that makes people think they can be happy without money." --- Albert Camus (1913-60) When fish jump in the air, do they take a deep breath and close their eyes? Bill Clinton's place in history? Down the hall, first door on the left. The only thing worse than a sorcerer is his apprentice. "Light is meaningful only in relation to darkness, and truth presupposes error. It is these mingled opposites which people our life, which make it pungent, intoxicating. We only exist in terms of this conflict, in the zone where black and white clash." -- Louis Aragon, French poet Q. Why were lesbians invented? A. So radical feminists wouldn't breed. Jimmy Swaggert, Jim Bakker, and Jesse Jackson are collaborating on a new book chronicling the life of an evangelist. It's to be titled "Ministers Do More Than Lay People." Its as easy as falling off a piece of cake.
Q: How do you get a nun pregnant? A: Dress her up as an altar boy! Never let a gift horse in the house. Let sleeping ducks lie. Don't bite the hand that lays the golden egg. Son: Mommy, Mommy, what's an orgasm? Mom: I don't know dear, ask your father. Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parent, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers. -- Socrates That snake in the grass is barking up the wrong tree. Philosophy doesn't get the washing done. Guns don't kill people, they just make it easier. If you're too stupid to keep your firearms away from children, you should have neither firearms nor children. Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house -Lewis Grizzard It is said that a bird in hand is better than two in a bush. I think it serves them well who think A HAND IS BETTER THAN A BUSH. Thesaurus: ancient reptile with excellent vocabulary. "I don't know what effect these men will have upon the enemy, but, by God, they frighten me." --- The Duke of Wellington, in reference to his OWN army! Prejudiced people are all alike. A Direct Quote: "We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" --- Lee Iacocca "If God had wanted us to use the metric system, Jesus would have had 10 apostles." - US Senator Jesse Helms Why do we kill people for killing people to show that killing people is wrong?
How come there aren't any "B" batteries? In The Beginning there was nothing, which exploded "England and America are two countries separated by the same language." George Bernard Shaw Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. He had a pretty good winter, too. Q. Why did God create Gentiles? A. Someone has to buy retail. A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?" "Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you can get between the right man and the right woman." - Woody Allen. What's the most popular pick up line in Arkansas? Nice tooth! Did you hear about the redneck who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow? She can't touch it till she's fourteen. You don't have to swim faster than the shark, just faster than the guy next to you! I bought a new car: The passenger side miror said, "Objects in Mirror Are Better Than This Piece of Junk." When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half." --- Gracie Allen Q. What do dirty old men buy Vaseline for? A.$2.79 cents, same as the rest of us... Joey's teacher sent a note home to his Mother saying, "Joey seems to be a very bright boy, but spends too much of his time thinking about sex and girls." The Mother wrote back the next day, "If you find a solution, please advise. I have the same problem with his Father."
"I am ready to meet my maker, but whether my maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter." --- Winston Churchill Definitions: TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the `illegal' side. ELECELLERATION (el a cel er ay' shun) n. The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive. ECNALUBMA (ek na lub' ma) n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rearview mirror. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To "sterilize" a piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will 'remove' all the germs. Have you seen the newest Jewish-American Princess horror movie? It's called "Debbie Does Dishes". Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking agein Arkansas to 32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools. Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned. His wife said, "Be an angel and let me drive." So he did, and now he is. Little Johnny was in his math class one day when the teacher singled him out. "If I gave you $200," the teacher began,"and you gave $50 to Mary, $50 to Sally and $50 to Susan, what would you have?" "An orgy," Johnny answered.
Is "graduate student" an oxymoron? Q: How does a Jewish wife cheat on her husband? A: She has a headache with the milkman. Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect. Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian! Quote du juor: "How many frickin' times do I have to say, 'In the form of a question', people!'?" Alex Trebek I filled out an application that said, "Who should we notify in case of emergency?" I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do? Nothing in the world is more expensive than a girl who's totally free for the weekend! THE GLOBE: George Lindsay ("Goober" from "Andy Griffith") used to be a drunk. He also got into a fight with Bob Denver("Gilligan") once over who was a better actor... Boy, they MUST REALLY HAVE BEEN DRUNK! A top-secret government study indicates that we wouldn't be any worse off if we let the economists predict the weather and the meteorologists predict the economy. Remember: The people who gave us golf and called it a game are the same people who gave us bag pipes and called it music. " "When you come to a fork in the road, take it!"--Yogi Berra Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria (socks may eat any place they wish). A husband's most frequent, and wisely not verbalized, question: 'What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?' Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate -- the bombs always hit the ground.
Q: What's the best way to get into a sleeping bag? A: Wake her up first! Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your E-mail? A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals." A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in students. The day Microsoft will make something that doesn't suck is probably the day they start making vacuum cleaners. Q: Why don't blondes double recipes? A: The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees. Guy: "Would you like to dance?" Girl: "I don't care for this song and surely wouldn't dance with you." Guy: "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said, 'You look fat in those pants!'" Do I have this right? A girl can have an abortion and still become Miss America, but if she has the baby she can't? The last time we mixed politics with religion, if my memory serves, people actually were burned at the stake. "I won't insult your intelligence by suggesting that you really believe what you just said." - - - William Buckley Jr. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson. Two rights do not make a wrong. They make an airplane. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. Communism is man's exploitation of man. Capitalism is just the opposite. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. p don't care how much you and your cat love each other, if you were one inch smaller than the sweet little kitty, he'd eat you in a heartbeat.
The word **bipartisan** usually means some larger-than-usual deception is being carried out. Cat: The Other White Meat! The trouble with ignorance is that it picks up confidence as it goes along. Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason. If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut! Remember: A watched clock never boils. Axe Me About Ebonics All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty together again. Just what were the horses expected to do anyway? Remember Folks: Traffic Signals that are Timed for 35 mph are Also Timed for 70 mph! Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but okay to go to the bathroom in a handicapped stall? Q: What's a Jewish sweater? A: It's what a Jewish child wears when his mother is cold. It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity. What is it called when a blonde blows into another blonde's ear? Data transfer To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. So a dyslexic walks into a bra . . . I don't get even, I get odder.
On average, a woman will speak 7000 words over the course of a day while a man will only speak 2000 words in the same period. Draw your own conclusion. Cats know your every thought. They don't care, but they know... "We're lucky to have C-SPAN. Not many countries can watch their government's inaction." Never Underestimate the Power of Stupid People in Large Groups. The difference between insane asylums and our schools is that in an insane asylum you have to show some improvement before you can get out. Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational. A. So what's your question? The amount of sleep needed by the average person is ten minutes more. He didn't want to marry her for her money, but he didn't know how else to get it. "My wife's an earth sign. I'm a water sign. Together we make mud." --- Rodney Dangerfield All women seek equality with men until it comes to: sharing the closet,taking out the trash, and picking up the check. I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you. Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it. -- Lyndon B. Johnson Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men arrested. Women fake orgasm because men fake foreplay. Q: What's the definition of the perfect male lover? A: He makes love until 2 a.m., then turns into chocolate. In 1911 three men were hanged in London for the murder of Sir Edmund Berry at Greenberry Hill. Their names were Green, Berry, and Hill.
Q. What's the greatest world-wide use of cowhide? A. To hold cows together.
"I do not like work even when someone else does it." - Mark Twain President James Garfield was ambidextrous and could write Latin with one hand and Greek with the other simultaneously. Giraffes, cats and camels are the only four - legged animals that walk by stepping forward with both right feet, then both left feet. When you take material from a writer it's plagiarism; but when you take material from many writers, it's research. No president of the United States was an only child. China has more English speakers than the United States. That just really frosts me. More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes.I'm sure there is a moral in there, but it escapes me for the moment. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice. Most of us know how to say nothing ... few of us know when. Nothing in the world is friendlier than a wet dog.
Richard Milhouse Nixon was the first US President whose name contains all the letters from the word "criminal." William Jefferson Clinton is the 2nd! "I believe every human has a finite number of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises." - Neil Armstrong
Today's subliminal thoughts: . . . . WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition! "To be a successful father there's one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don't look at it for the first two years." - Ernest Hemingway Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time. Ask me about my vow of silence.
God is dead. -Nietzsche Nietzsche is dead. -God To do is to be. -Descartes To be is to do. -Voltaire Do be do be do. -Frank Sinatra "The fool doth think he is wise, but the wise man knows himself to be a fool." --- William Shakespeare Experience is a wonderful commodity that allows one to recognize a mistake when making it again. "The national budget must be balanced. The public debt must be reduced; the arrogance of the authorities must be moderated and controlled. Payments to foreign governments must be reduced, if the nation doesn't want to go bankrupt. People must again learn to work, instead of living on public assistance." (Marcus Tullius Cicero, 55 B.C.) Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. Q. What is the first thing a blonde hears in the morning? A. "See ya."
Q: How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies? A: 100: 1 to stir and 99 to peel the M&M's. An optimist thinks this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true! People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs. Definitions --------------Twenty Something -- The cost of a sitter for Saturday night. Fancy Restaurant -- One that serves cold soup on purpose. College -- The four year period when parents are permitted access to the telephone. Hors D'oeuvres -- A sandwich cut into 20 pieces. Due to the confusion from too many genres of music, we have decided to put both country music and rap music into the genre of Crap Music. "In any moment of decision the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing." Theodore Roosevelt Q. What's the difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman? A. The car salesman knows when he's lying to you! A blonde is standing on the bank of a lake, as she looks across the lake she sees another blonde. She yells across, "Hey, how do I get across the lake?" The other blonde yells back, "YOU ARE ACROSS THE LAKE!"
I come from a small town whose population never changed. Each time a woman got pregnant, someone left town. Q. What is the difference between a HMO and the PLO? A. You can negotiate with the PLO!
The 50-50-90 rule: Any time you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive." In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?
A BMW equipped with an Automatic Transmission is like a 50 dollar steak smothered in ketchup. Why do they put all those grocery lanes in the stores when they only keep one or two open at any given time? "The people who oppose your ideas are inevitably those who represent the established order that your ideas will upset." - Anthony D'Angelo Why do they report power outages on TV? WASPs leave and never say good-bye. Jews say good-bye and never leave.
MicroSoft Tech Support said those errors just aren't possible. "Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable." --Mark Twain Those who say they "sleep like a baby" haven't got one. I've never had a problem with drugs; I've had problems with the police.
Why do "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
What is the difference between God and a doctor? God knows that he is not a doctor. Why did the Siamese twins leave the U.S. to go to England ? So the other one could have a chance to drive.
OK, it's 2001! Where's my flying car? Television: An electronic device that alternates between extreme violence and finding great long-distance rates. Remember: Strip Mining Prevents Forest Fires! Consider if you will the Laughing Hyena. They eat only once a day, move their bowels about once a month and mate only once per year. I mean, what the hell do these animals have to laugh about? Have you noticed that the first piece of luggage on an airport carousel never seems to belong to anyone? Does anyone remember when Andy Kuafman was funny?...Me neither!
Q: What is a Jewish Dillemma? A: Pork on sale. Q: Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? A: Mace will do that to you. Q. What is love? A. The delusion that one woman differs from another. If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hint: Use the microwave oven!) "Let us realize that the privilege to work is a gift, that power to work is a blessing, that love of work is success." - David O. McKay
TDP---Sure David Whatever, and "tired of work" is a curse endured reluctantly! In years gone by people actually believed that foolish spending stopped when one ran out of money. English cooking? You just put things into boiling water and then take them out again after a long while! Oddly: Iceland consumes more Coca-Cola per capita than any other country. Number of people airborne over US at any given time: 61,000. Percent of Africa that is wilderness: 28% Percent of America that is wilderness: 38%
Why don't they put the express cashiers on the express lanes? Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
It's too late to agree with me. I've already changed my mind. As a child my parents would always tell me not to sit so close to the TV, that it was bad for my eyes. Now, as an adult I spend 10+ hours a day within 18 inches of a computer screen! Go figure. A Chinese couple goes to bed and starts to get amorous. The man turns to his wife and asks, "How about a little 69?" She replies incredulously, "RIGHT NOW YOU WANT BEEF AND BROCCOLI!" Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia. Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once. The longer I read about the Government, the more I'm convinced that there's no problem in the Government that
can't be solved by the sun exploding. A Zen master once said to me "Do the opposite of whatever I tell you." So I didn't. Barbara thinks I'm too nosy. At least that's what she keeps scribbling in her diary. Two ants were on the box of cereal when one of them started to run fast. The other asked, "Why are you racing like that?"The first ant replied, "It says, ‘Tear along the dotted line'!" There are more plastic flamingos in the U.S. than real flamingos! Been to Florida lately? Fact: The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the males head off. (Honey, I'm home!!!!!!...)
Remember: Only Users Lose Drugs... I read that elephants are the only animals that can't jump. Oh yeah, what about white men? Every married man should forget his mistakes. No use two people remembering the same thing. What is the difference between a virus and Windows ? Viruses rarely fail! At age 20, we worry about what others think of us. At 40, we don't care what they think of us. At 60, we discover they haven't been thinking of us at all! If you women knew what men were thinking, you'd never stop slapping us. If aliens are smart enough to travel through space, why do they keep abducting the dumbest people on Earth?
"My greatest fear in life is that no-one will remember me after I'm dead." -some dead guy Junior was a true terror and her husband was surprised when his wife suggested that they buy him a bike for his birthday. "Do you really believe that'll help improve his behavior ?" he asked. "Well, no," she admitted, "But it'll spread it over a wider area!"
"It is useless to hold a person to anything he says while he's in love, drunk, or running for office."--- Shirley MacLaine The more corrupt the state, the more numerous the laws. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll sit in a boat and drink beer all day. Bats always turn left when exiting a cave! What Women Want: To be loved, to be listened to, to be desired, to be respected, to be needed, to be trusted, and sometimes, just to be held. What Men Want: Super Bowl tickets. Notice: NASA will no longer accept velocity messures expressed in furlongs per fortnight. Fountain of youth? We have enough youth, what we need is a fountain of smart! I know it must rankle the fundamentalists who believe that everything in the bible is true, when they are forced to consider that Adam and Eve were living without the benefit of holy wedlock! God grant me the Senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
I wish the attendants would quit telling me to get on the plane. I would rather get in!
"I had a dog named Duke. Every fireman in town knew that hound because he chased all the firewagons. They knew the dog's name, but not mine, so the next thing I knew, I was Duke, too. I was named for a damn dog!" ~~ John Wayne If God had meant us to travel economy class, he would have made us narrower. I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me - and I didn't hear it. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
What do most blondes get on an IQ test? Drool. Billy Graham has described heaven as a family reunion that never ends. What could hell possibly be like? Home videos of the same reunion? "If these pills don't stop the kleptomania," said the psychiatrist, "try and get me a nice video camera." They say kids brighten the home. That's because they never turn the damn lights off! Why do people say "tuna fish?" They don't say "beef mammal" or "chicken bird"! Why do tourists go to the tops of tall buildings and then put money into telescopes so they can see things on the ground close-up? Question: Why did the Mercedes Corporation build their plant in Alabama? Answer: The availability of crash test dummies! When life gives me lemons, I make a whiskey sour and go to bed. Aim low...reach your goals...avoid disappointment. What is big and yellow and sleeps four? A DOT truck.
How about people who buy big $30K+ SUV and front-wheel vehicles that can climb a tree, and then inch over speed bumps? The best days to drink beer are days that end in the letter, "Y".
What's O. J. Simpson's Internet address? Slash, slash, backslash, slash, slash, escape. Where in the nursery rhyme does it say Humpty Dumpty is an egg? Let's break up Microsoft like we did the phone company. That really worked well. "You'd better learn secretarial work or else get married." -The director of a modeling agency breaking the bad news to Marilyn Monroe in 1944. Guns don't kill people. Husbands who come home early kill people. Doesn't 'expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected? Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game"when we are already there? If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate. "The great tragedy of science -- the slaying of a beautiful hypothesis by an ugly fact." - Thomas Huxley
Tuesday: Guests who kill their talk show hosts. On the last Donahue. "Scrubbing floors and emptying bedpans has as much dignity as the Presidency." - Richard M. Nixon "If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe." - Carl Sagan
What's the best thing to ever come out of Kentucky? I-75. The only English word with a triple letter: Goddessship The longest word with just one vowel: strengths The longest word you can spell without repeating a letter: uncopyrightable. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole. There are two theories for arguing with a woman. Neither works.
Doctor: "Take one of these pills 3 times a day." Blonde Patient: "How do I take a pill more than once?" I went to see my psychiatrist. He maked me lie face down. Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches. Meanwhile, back at the ranch, tension mounted ... and rode off in all directions. I've learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles these three things, a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. A study recently confirmed that there is a direct correlation in the
accuracy of weather forecasters and the number of windows in their offices.
How come wrong numbers are never busy? BUFFERS=20 FILES=15, 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go! I went to my psychiatrist and he told me, ""Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers." Why don't motorcycles have air bags? Factoid: The Pony Express only lasted 18 months, from April 1860 to October 1861. "Vision without action is a daydream. Action without vision is a nightmare."
Too bad the only people who know how to run the country are busy driving cabs and cutting hair Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully refreshed and on time. Any twelve people who can not figure out how to get out of jury duy are NOT my peers! Condense soup, not books! I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day! Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat. Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat!
Q. How do you know when your staying in an Arkansas hotel? A. When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink" and the person at the front desk says "go ahead." Scrawled across the dorm wall were the words, "Question Everything!" A couple of days later someone added one word... "Why?" If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy? Q: What's grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow? A: An elephant rolling down a hill with a daisy in its mouth! The top Oxymoron of all time: Microsoft Works Q. What do they call "Hee Haw" in Kentucky? A. "Life Styles of the Rich and Famous." Q. What do they call "Hee Haw" in Arkansas? A. A documentary. Future historians will be able to study at the Gerald Ford Library; the James Carter Library; the Ronald Reagan Library and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore. Used car salesmen are not in it for the money. They just like lying to strangers. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic. A small boy was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said,"I've lost my dad!" The officer asked, "What's he like?" The little boy replied, "Beer and women!" It is hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by bolts of lightning. Why are Blondes not hired as pharmacists? They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters. Three Blondes were driving to Disneyland. After being in the car for
four hours they finally saw a sign that said "Disneyland Left" so they turned around and went home. Skimp on your wedding dress. Why spend a lot of money on something you're only going to wear five or six times? "I have opinions of my own -- strong opinions -- but I don't always agree with them." --George Bush There is a theory which states that if anyone ever discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened. Those who keep dogs are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves. "I don't remember anybody's name. Why do you think the 'dahling' thing started?" Zsa Zsa Gabor "We need laws that protect everyone. Men and women, straights and gays, regardless of sexual perversion...ah, persuasion." - Bella Abzug, New York politician "For seven and half years I've worked alongside President Reagan. We've had triumphs. Made some mistakes. We've had some sex... uh...setbacks." - President George Bush (stated while Vice President) "[I ask you to] work together with me for a better life for oil... I mean all." - Senator Henry Jackson, campaigning in 1976 "The United Sates has much to offer the third world war." - President Ronald Reagan (Stated in a speech on what the US has to offer the Third World. He repeated this error nine times in the speech!)
Indonesia has nearly 16-thousand islands. Q: What is the Jewish definition of Foreplay? A: 45 minutes of begging. Q. Why did GOD give blondes one more brain cell than horses? A. So they wouldn't shit during parades! Q. How can you tell which bottle contains medicine for PMS? A. It's the one with bite marks on the cap! "Thanks to the Interstate Highway System, it is now possible to travel from coast to coast without seeing anything." --Charles Kuralt Owls are the only birds who can see the color blue. (I wonder HOW we think we know this?) Friends don't let friends drive naked! Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn! "I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book." - Groucho Marx "Alex, I'll take 'Things Only I Know' for $200" "Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things." --Vice President Dan Quayle, 11/30/88 For Real: A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds. For Real: A dime has 118 ridges around the edge. For Real: On an American one-dollar bill, there is an owl in the upper left-hand corner of the 1 encased in the shield and a spider hidden in the front upper right-hand corner. For Real: On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag. In New York's Garment District, a little old man was hit by a car. While waiting for an ambulance, the policeman tucked a blanket under the guy's chin and asked, "Are you comfortable?" The man replied, "I make a nice living." Remember: Jesus Loves You! The Rest Of Us, however, Think You're An Idiot.
Q: How do you give a blonde more head room? A: Adjust the steering wheel! The time you spent reading this could've been spent more productively. But you're not bothered because you're one of those well-adjusted people who really doesn't give a shit! Congratulations! Every three minutes, somewhere in America, a suburban housewife backs the family car through a garage door. Q: Why do Italians hate Jehovah's Witnesses? A: Italians hate ALL witnesses. Just Think: In 10 years there will be radio stations playing classic rap! You know what happens when you play country music backwards? You quit drinking, you get your wife back, you're rehired and your lost dog comes home. "A man's only as old as the woman he feels." - Groucho Marx I tried to contain myself, but I escaped. If something goes without saying, LET IT! Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test. Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y) To shut down your system at C:\ prompt, type "WIN" Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way. Sign in Restaurant: Guys: No shirt, No service Girls: No shirt, No charge Merriam Webster Dictionary (1946) Computer: (noun) A person who tabulates numbers; accountant; actuary; bookkeeper. Teenagers are people who act like babies if they're not treated like adults! Scientists have shown that the moon is moving away at a tiny, although measurable distance from the earth every year. If you do the math, you can calculate that 85 million
years ago the moon was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the earth's surface. This would explain the death of the dinosaurs ... the tallest ones, anyway. Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law. A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said "I haven't eaten anything is four days". She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower." "The Internet is a great way to get on the net." --Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole The symbol for "pound" (#) is called an octothorpe. I met this gal in a bar, and one thing lead to another... I said, "Let's go back to my place." She said, "Oh, do you have cable?" I said, "No...But I have some old ropes that should hold just fine..." Isn't it redundant to say an offer is void where prohibited? "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." J. Danforth Quayle Two male flies are buzzing around, cruising for good looking females. One spots a real cutie sitting on a pile of cow manure and dives down toward her. "Pardon me" he asks, turning on his best charm, "...but is this stool taken?" To all gun-control advocates: How about placing a sign on your front lawn that reads: "This home is gun-free." Why is it every time I subscripe to a magazine for two years I get a renewal notice in six months? Q: What do you call a midget psychic who has just committed a crime? A: A small medium, at large. Q: Who was Alexander Graham Belski? A: The first telephone pole.
Q: What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie? A: A dog that rips your leg off then runs for help. "A diplomat's life is made up of three ingredients: protocol, Geritol, and alcohol." - Adlai Stevenson In Poland's largest shopping mall, there was a terrible power outage. Shoppers were stuck on the escalators for 4 hours! Virtue is its own punishment! After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that broughttears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo Ingles!" For Real: Cats often meow at humans, but rarely at other cats. Do you know that "verb" is a noun? You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. There are three kinds of men: 1) Those who learn by reading. 2) The few who learn by observation. 3) And the rest of them who have to pee on the electric fence for themselves. I bet ya' didn't know: The mother of Mike Nesmith, of the rock group The Monkees, invented Liquid Paper. (Bet you didn't care either!) An intellectual snob is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture and not think of The Lone Ranger! I don't doubt for a minute that you can catch more flies with sugar or honey than you can with vinegar. But who wants a lot of flies anyway? Too may freaks; not enough circuses! For Real: The cruise liner QEII moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
For Real: Did you know? A statue in the park of a person on a horse: if the horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes. For Real: When opossums are "playing possum," they are not playing. They actually pass out from sheer terror! Hit any user to continue . . . Press CTRL>-ALT>-DEL> to continue ... Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk? Windows: Just another pain in the glass. Disinformation is not as good as datinformation! 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence? Fight crime. Shoot Back! Remember guys: You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever. Discourage Inbreeding, Ban Country Music! If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started. What is the definition of "making love"? Something a woman does while a guy is screwing her! For Real: At President Andrew Jackson's funeral in 1845 his pet parrot was removed for swearing. For Real: While it is true that our nose and ears never stop growing, our eyes stay the same size from birth to death. Skill is successfully walking a tightrope over Niagara Falls. Intelligence is not trying. Did you know... Captain Hook died from jock itch! If your day is too short, listen to your relaxation tapes on high speed!
A door-to-door salesman rang the bell at a suburban home, and the door was opened by a nine year old boy puffing on a long black cigar. Hiding his amazement, the salesman asked the young man, "Is your Mother home?" The boy took the cigar out of his mouth, flicked ashes on the carpet, and asked, "What do you think?" Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (V)omit Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash? He's all right now. Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he likes to stick his head out the window! Two cab drivers met. "Hey," asked one, "what's the idea of painting one side of your cab red and the other side blue?" "Well," the other responded, "when I get into an accident, you should see how all the witnesses contradict each other." Why does New York have so many lawyers and New Jersey have so many toxic waste dumps? New Jersey got first choice. Never trust a private with a loaded weapon, or an officer with a map. Two can live as cheaply as one --- for half as long! Why is it always the coach who gets fired? Why not fire the AD who hires the coach? People will accept your idea much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first. No other words in the English language rhyme with the words, month, orange, silver or purple. For Real: Taxes eat up 38.2% of the average family's income; that's more than for food, clothing and shelter combined.
The IRS employs 114,000 people; that's twice as many as the CIA and five times more than the FBI. Nearly 300,000 trees are cut down yearly to produce the paper for all the IRS forms and instructions. "You can trust your public utility about as far as you can hand roll a bulldozer." "A man is only as old as the woman he feels." -- Groucho Marx If you're cross-eyed AND have dyslexia, can you see okay? Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second. The only winner in the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky! Confucius say... Man who walk through airport door sideways going to Bangkok. Visits always give pleasure - if not the arrival, the departure. --Portuguese Proverb A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." A guy goes into a restaurant for breakfast. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the Eggs Benedict". His order comes awhile later and it's served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter "What's with the hubcap?" The waiter sings, "There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise."
A guy in a bar stands up and says, "All lawyers are assholes!" Another guy stands up and says "Hey...I resent that..." The first guy says, "Why? Are you a lawyer?" The second guy says, "No. I'm an asshole." Q. Why did cavemen drag their women around by their hair? A. Because if they drug them around by their feet they'd fill up with dirt. Q: What is the politically correct name for Lesbian? A: "Vagitarian" Jesus, Joseph, and Mary were doing chores around their home in Nazareth when suddenly, Jesus ran outside to Joseph, and asked, "Did you call me?" "No son, I'm sorry," Joseph replied, "I just hit my thumb with the hammer, again." No need to wonder about the difference between "hard core" and "soft core"pornography. The simple difference is,"Soft core" pornography is that which gives one a soft-on. When you're having a bad day and it seems like people are trying to piss you off, remember, it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to pull the trigger of a decent sniper rifle. A woman's favorite position is CEO! I walked up to a really pretty girl at the bar the other night and said, "Hey, babe, can I buy you a drink?" She said, "Do you like sex?" I said, "Of course I like sex." She said, "Do you like yourself?" I said, "Yeah, I guess I do." She said, "Then go fuck yourself." I don't care who you are, what you are driving, where you would rather be, or how your fucking kid did in school! Q: What's hairy on the outside, wet on the inside, starts with 'c', ends
with 't', and has a 'u' and an 'n' in the middle? A: A coconut. An instructor was demonstrating the wonders of static electricity to his class at MIT. While holding a plastic rod in one hand and a wool cloth in the other, he told the class, "You can see that I get a large charge from rubbing my rod..." That was pretty much the end of learning for the day. Q. What do you get, when you cross a Jew with a Puerto Rican? A. A janitor who thinks he owns the place! A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste. When I was young I used to pray for a bike. Then I realized that God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness. Jack be nimble, Jack be quick, Jack jumped over the candle stick, And burned his dick. For Real: According to the Journal of American Medical Association, as of 1998, more than 100,000 Americans die annually from adverse reactions to prescription drugs. For Real: The expression "the whole nine yards" comes from W.W.II aircraft whose ammo belts were 27 feet long. When you used your entire ammo belt on a target, you gave it "the whole nine yards." For Real: The first Rolls-Royce sold for $600.00 in 1906. Today the cheapest model goes for close to $200,000 If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN! If flour is all-purpose, why can't I use it as gasoline?
Two goats are out behind a movie studio eating old movie film. One goat says to the other, "Pretty good, huh?" The second goat says, "Yeah, but it's not as good as the book." Adults are just kids who owe money! "There will be sex after death, we just won't be able to feel it." - Lily Tomlin "The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues." - Elizabeth Taylor Did you hear about the baby born with both sexes? It had a penis AND a brain! Watching HDTV will be like plowing through a trash can with a magnifying glass. Same old garbage in crystal clarity. A practical nurse is one who falls in love with a wealthy patient. My pay slip has more deductions than a Sherlock Holmes novel! NEWSPAPER MISQUOTE "The politician met informally to discuss food prices and the high cost of living with several women." Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them I don't repeat gossip, so listen carefully! Never buy a Rolex from someone who is out of breath. A West Virginia State trooper pulled over a pick-up on I-79. He said to the driver, "Got any ID?" The driver replied, "Bout what?" A thousand words are worth a picture-- and they load faster, too! "In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move." Q: Why does a Yugo have a heated rear window? A: So you hands won't get cold while you're pushing it. You know you're getting old when
you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there. Egotist: a person me-deep in conversation. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green! A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't understand two things: 1 - Women 2 - Fractions. Over a round of golf, two doctors were talking shop. "I operated on Mr. Lee the other day," said the surgeon. "What for?" asked his colleague. "About $26,000." "What did he have?" "About $26,000!" -----------"We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy in life is when men are afraid of the light." - Richard Bach ----------I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, so I was relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid! "The average dog is a nicer person than the average person." Andrew Rooney "Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear." Once you've read the instructions on a box of Pepperidge Farm frozen raspberry turnovers, it's too late to obey them: "Preheat oven to 475 degrees F before taking package from the freezer." "Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than each other." Ann Landers "I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's a knob called `brightness', but it doesn't work!" Gallagher
"Let me tell you the one thing I have against Moses. He took us forty years into the desert in order to bring us to the one place in the Middle East that has no oil!" Golda Meir Q: What is the ideal weight of a lawyer? A: About three pounds, including the urn. Q: What do lawyers use as contraceptives? A: Their personalities! 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. Why do they call it PMS? Because 'Mad Cow Disease' is already taken. What did the Buddhist say to the New York hot dog vendor? "Make me one with everything..." When will all the rhetorical questions end? Hockey will never be the same. Who could ever forget Dwayne Gretsky? Cave men had to start walking upright to free their hands for masturbation. --Lily Tomlin All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart. Q) When Buckwheat grew up and changed his name, what did he decide to call himself? A) Kareem of Wheat. Childhood: That period when nightmares occur only during sleep. Honk If You Want To See My Finger!
Of all registered voters, 44% believe there is intelligent life on other planets. I am still looking for it here! Always take time to stop and smell the roses and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee. I walked into a bar the other day and ordered a double. The bartender brings out a guy who looks just like me. Lottery: A tax on people who are poor with math Flashlight --- A case for holding dead batteries. Q. How do you get a Microsoft Tech to change a light bulb? A. You can't, When Microsoft discovers it has a blown light bulb they will just change the industry standard to darkness. If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home, why not move 10 miles away? The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver. I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now, blue-green meat, that's REALLY BAD for you! Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the United States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine millimeter bullet. Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped! If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end, it would probably be Labor Day Weekend
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools. Junk: Stuff we throw away. Stuff: Junk we keep. "The great question...which I have not been able to answer, despite my thirty years into the feminine soul, is 'What do women want?" Sigmund Freud (1856-1939) Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Internet and he won't bother you for weeks. A grasshopper goes into a bar and hops on to a barstool to order a drink. The bartender says "You know, we have a drink named after you? The grasshopper replies, "Really! You have a drink named Eddie?" A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. For Real: Wild turkeys can run at speeds of at least 12 miles an hour, and fly at speeds up to 55 miles per hour. Finland has more cellular phones than fixed-line telephones. The Silkworm Moth has 11 brains, more than any other creature. Non-dairy creamer is flammable. The dial tone of a normal telephone is in the key of "F".
So are most auto horns. Women blink nearly twice as much as men. On average, 100 people in the US choke to death on ballpoint pens every year. In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all the world's nuclear weapons combined. The world's termites outweigh the world's humans 10 to 1. Pound for pound (kilo for kilo), hamburgers cost more than new cars. There are an average of 178 sesame seeds on a McDonald's Big Mac bun. It takes 3000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year's supply of footballs. ============= Quick Thoughts: I started out with nothing...I still have most of it. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded. If all is not lost, where is it? A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle! I have never met a mime who didn't deserve a good slap in the face. My goal is to become a notary public and retire to a life of luxury. If man evolved from apes, why do we still have apes? What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? "Into every life a little rain must fall, but I think someone's mistaken me for Noah!" Why did god create Adam first!? To give him a chance to speak! War doesn't determine who's right but who's left. A seminar on time travel will be held in two weeks ago. A self-addressed envelope would be addressed "envelope." A well-dressed gentleman entered an upscale restaurant in the East End of Manhattan, and took a seat at the bar. The bartender came over and asked "What can I get you to drink, sir"? The gentleman responded, "Nothing, thank you. I tried alcohol once, didn't like it, and never tried it again". The bartender was a bit perplexed, but being a friendly, outgoing sort, he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and offered the gentleman a cigarette. The gentleman refused, saying, "I tried smoking once, didn't like it, and never did it again. The point is, I wouldn't be in here at all, except that I'm waiting for my son". The bartender retorted, "Your only child, I presume!" From actual E.R. admission reports at Chicago General A 28-year old male was brought into the ER after an attempted suicide. The man had swallowed several nitroglycerin pills and a fifth of vodka. When asked about the bruises about his head and chest he said that they were from his ramming himself into the wall in an attempt to make the nitroglycerin explode. A woman with shortness of breath and who weighed approximately 500 lbs was dragged into the ER on a tarp by six firemen. While trying to undress the lady, an asthma inhaler fell out of one of the folds under her arm. After an X-ray showed a round mass on the left side of her chest her
massive left breast was lifted to find a shiny new dime. And last, but not least-- during a pelvic exam a TV remote control was discovered in one of the folds of her crotch. She became known as "The Human Couch" . A 92-year old woman had a full cardiac arrest at home and was rushed to the hospital. After 30 minutes of unsuccessful resuscitation attempts the old lady was pronounced dead. The doctor went to tell the lady's 78-year old daughter that her mother didn't make it. "Didn't make it? Where could they be? She left in the ambulance forty-five minutes ago!"
You know why so many kids are on dope? I'll tell you why. It's because you gottabe stoned to enjoy the crap they call music these days. My dogs are worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money! I find that one of the most handy, helpful, useful, beneficial, advantageous, valuable items I have in my home is a thesaurus. The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging! Why do fools fall in love? To reproduce and outnumber us. A Man's Perfect Breakfast He's sitting at the table. His son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. His girlfriend is on the cover of Playboy . His wife is on the back of the milk carton. Two old men were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. One leaned over the other and said, "Cripes! life is boring, we never have any fun these days. For $5.00, I'd take my clothes off and streak through the flower show!" "You're on!" said the other old fellow, holding up five dollars. As fast as he could, the first old man fumbled his way out of his clothes and completely naked, streaked through the front door of the town hall.
His friend heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause. The streaker burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd. "Wow, what happened?" asked his friend. "It was great!" he said, "I won first prize for dried arrangement!" Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. He who laughs last, thinks slowest When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty. It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. One Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn. The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged at this that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung." I calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass." At a small airport in the Texas Panhandle, three strangers are awaiting their shuttle flight. One is a Native American passing through from Oklahoma. Another, a local ranch hand on his way to Ft. Worth for a stock show. The third passenger is an Arab student, newly arrived at the Texas oil field from the Middle East.
To pass the time they strike up a conversation on recent events, and the discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon the Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout Muslim. The conversation falls into an uneasy lull. The cowpoke leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table, tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside blows tumbleweeds and the old windsock flaps, but no plane comes. Finally, the Native American clears his throat and softly, he speaks: "Once my people were many, now we are few." The Muslim raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few" he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is? The Texan shifts the toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says, "That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet." BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible. SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves. ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard. SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end. CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles. PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato. SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.
STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiney. SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use. XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace. IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the shit out of an electronic device to get it to work again. ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. 404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located. GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions. OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. WOOFY's: Well Off Older Folks. A man returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair, and expected to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed to be a witness. Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband flipped on the lights, pulled the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man. The husband put his gun to the man's head, and the wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous - who do you think paid for the Corvette I said I bought for you? He did!" Who do you think paid for our new cabin cruiser? He did! Who do you think pays our monthly country club dues you believe I budget for? He does!"
The husband, looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do in a case like this? " The cabby said, "I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches cold.
One fine day, Jim and Bob are out golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 7-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine -- in search of his lost ball. The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is, in fact, a 7-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball. Jim excitedly calls out to his golfing partner: "Hey Bob, come here, I got trouble down here." Bob comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out: "What's the matter?" Jim shouts back in a nervous voice: "Throw me my 8 iron! You can't get out of here with a 7!"
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