The Conscious Dialogue Process

Assumptions: Due to the limits of language and the complexities of life, it is wise to assume that in virtually
every message (including this one) there is something accurate, something inaccurate, something valuable,
something not so valuable, something right and something wrong. There is truth and error in virtually every
message.
Therefore: It is wise to be open to hearing new information that may expand ones perception and
understanding, and it is wise to share ones truth with some humility.
Presuppositions:

Communication ideally involves someone sending a message and someone listening to or receiving
the message.
A truism in human relationships is the old adage, The message sent is rarely the message
received.
There is a sending role and a receiving role. Usually these roles change rapidly and fluidly during a
discussion or conversation or argument.
The Conscious Dialog Process asks the participants to formalize the roles for the purposes of
learning. That is, one person will be the Sender and the other person will be the Receiver. The
participants will ideally stay in these roles until both parties are ready for the roles to change.
Agreement is a goal, not a requirement. Having agreement as a goal helps the participants to focus
on the common ground and to seek to acknowledge with integrity what is right, helpful, valid and
valuable in the others position.

There are three phases to the Conscious Dialog Process, an Understanding Phase, and Empathy Phase and a
Boundary Clarification Phase (Agreement Phase).

The Role of the Receiver

I. UNDERSTANDING PHASE
In agreeing to be the Receiver in this dialogue process, the Receiver is agreeing to temporarily set aside his
or her position, defenses, and feelings in order to make sure he or she understands before responding to the
Senders message. This process can help correct the adage, The message sent is rarely the message
received.
Step one- Give Understanding: The first step is to decide to attend carefully to the Sender and be willing to
reflect back the message and check for its accuracy. This is commonly called mirroring.
Attending Behavioris what one does when one decides to carefully listen to and respect the message of
another person. This usually involves some form of the following:
Eye contact and postureeye contact should be steady and relaxed without being staring or flitting.
Posture should be neither too relaxed (slouching) or too rigid.

Encouraging behaviorencourages the Sender to keep sending and reassuring the Sender that the listener
is listening and hearing accurately. This may include things like the nod of the head, statements like, Im
following you or furthering comments such as, Uh-huh, :
Mirroring or Reflective Listening
The Receiver...

Mirrors: "If I'm understanding correctly, you are saying...."

Checks Back: "Did I get it right?" Did I get it all?
Invites Full Expression: "Is there more you want to say about that?"

Listen for the Reasonableness of the Messagelisten for the inner logic and reasonableness of the
message. Even (especially) the parts you disagree with can be listened to with an ear to understanding what
is reasonable, logical, and valid in that position. (This is different from whether or not there is agreement
with the message.) It is possible to mirror accurately and still not understand the message, so it is desirable
to check in with oneself while mirroring and ask, Am I understanding or following what is being said?
Questions of Clarificationare okay, in order for you to have understanding. Questions of challenge are
not allowed. However, too many Questions of Clarification may disrupt the flow of sending and the Sender
may feel questioned.
Check Implicationswith permission. So ask, May I check an implication?
Step two- Acknowledge Understanding and Reasonableness. When mirroring has been completed
accurately, implications have been checked, there is no more to be shared from the Sender and the Sender
feels understood, the goal is:

for the receiver to acknowledge the internal logic and reasonableness of the message, particularly
acknowledge the reasonableness of the parts where there is disagreement.

There are three types of acknowledgment you can use:

1. GlobalI follow what you've said and I can see where you're coming from. You make sense to
me.
2. FullYou make sense because What follows is a restatement of the logic of the Sender,
emphasizing the Senders line of reasoning. Beware of any tendency to share your own logic even if
it agrees with the Sender. The goal at this point is to recognize the Senders logic rather than support
it with the Receivers logic.
3. OngoingSometimes, this step can be done in an ongoing way as the Sender shares rather than
waiting until the end of the message and the Sender feel fully understood. This acknowledgment can
feel good to the Sender. Use care so that you do not interrupt the flow.

II. EMPATHY PHASE

When the message has been mirrored accurately and the reasonableness of the message has been
seen and acknowledged, the Receiver attempts to make an empathic connection to the Sender.

Receiver steps for a brief moment into the world of the Sender and tries to understand what that
world must be like, given the message that has been sent. Focus is on the Senders feelings or on the
intensity of the feelings or experience.

Say something like, I imagine you might be feeling hurt and angry and perhaps a little
discouraged. Is that right? or Im imagine this must all feel pretty awful. Is that right?

Notice that in the examples, the Receiver always checks to see if the empathy is accurate. In making
an empathy statement, the Receiver must clearly understand that he or she is attempting to enter the
Senders internal world and that at best this is a guess or a hunch as to what is happening at an
emotional level.

Empathy statements should always be made tentatively, acknowledging that the Sender is the
authority on whether or not the empathy statement is accurate. Checking back to see if the empathy
statement is accurate is essential.

II. BOUNDARY CLARIFYING PHASE (Maximize Agreement)

Here the goal is for the Receiver to acknowledge everything in the Senders message that he or she can agree with or
support with integrity.

Receiver now identifies the common ground, sharing agreement* about:

A. Facts and events
B. Feelings
C. Perceptions
D. Ideas and suggestions
E. Choices and actions
F. Any agreement to change
G. Any movement on the part of the Sender.
Movement is defined as the inclusion with integrity parts of the Receivers prior message into the reality or
position of the Sender. This usually occurs only after several rounds of discussion and is ideally
acknowledged when it happens.
Second level Agreement may also be shared in this phase.
Second Level Agreement (I believe you believe what you are saying.) may be particularly
important in a relationship where trust is the issue.
The Receiver is essentially saying, I believe you are stating your thoughts, feelings, perceptions,
opinions authentically. I think you are not lying or being gamey with me.
*Partial agreement is okay. No disagreement is given at this point. Agreement may be a legitimate goal of

dialog, and should not be a requirement, a should or a must.

IV. REVOLVING OF ROLES
The Receiver becomes the Sender. Heres where differences and disagreements are shared.

The Role of the Sender

I. State the Topic for discussion (one word or short phrase)
II. State the general purpose of the message

The purpose is defined as what you are wanting from the listener. (Understanding, agreement, a
behavior change, etc. At this point this is a general rather than a specific statement; the specifics will
come later. This statement prepares the listener for what is being or may be asked of him or her)

Examples: What I am wanting is for you to understand and see the validity of what I am saying and to let
me know that. Id like to know whether or not you agree with me. And I may have a specific request later.
The purpose is not the goal. Avoid statements like, Id like for us to
III. Present your perspective, being sure to be:
A. Clear (Aim for short, well formed sentences with sufficient organization of your thoughts)
B. Direct (Work for a quality of straightforwardness)
C. Specific (Avoid abstractions and generalizations.)
D. Brief (The human system can handle only so much data before it is overloaded. Remember you will
have another turn. Dont try to say everything in one turn)
E. Speak out of your feelings. Emotions are our organisms best summary of where we stand in
relationship to the subject or the person we are talking too. Talk that comes from and includes the feeling
level of experience will often be clearer, more effective and more powerful.
F. Take Responsibility

Ownership of feelings, interpretations, choices, perceptions.

Acknowledge Prime-mover-ship. This is the opposite of a victim stance and the opposite of
blaming, accusing, and criticizing.
Putting energy into solutions rather than complaints when solutions are appropriate to the situation.
Making Behavior Change Requests is an example of taking responsibility.

Boundary Clarification. Examples: Between what actually happened and the interpretation of the events,
between ones choices and what one had to do in response to the situation, etc.

Acknowledge the Listener. When the Listener, mirrors accurately, let him or her know that it is
accurate. If empathy is accurate, let him or her know that either with a nod of the head or a direct
statement.

IV. Assist in transition to Boundary Clarification. The Sender is the final authority on when it is time
to transition to the Boundary Clarification Phase. Usually this is done in some form of, Im feeling
understood by you and am ready to go on to the next phase