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You're a fucking nerd.

Boy, you lucky
you even graduating.
- Fuck!
- Oh!
You're good at this, huh?
You're really good at this.
Hey, you want to
be friends?
Yours isn't
loaded, right?
Just touch it.
I'm scared.
Just touch it.
Seriously. All right,
all right, all right.
You took a bullet for me, man.
You shot me
in the dick!
Boom, motherfuckers!
You two sons of bitches
are going to college!
Yin is characterized
as slow, soft, passive
and is associated with
water and femininity.
While, Yang, by contrast,
is fast and solid and...
Man, this is BS.
I thought we were going to actual college,
not online college.
Listening for coded messages
in lectures.
What are
you talking about?
Look around.
This is our city.
What do we want to
be in college for?
You're right.
Partners for life.
At Metro city port,
the tide comes in
at 10:30 A.M.

Then it will
return to the sea.
Metro port.
One hour.
Let's do this.
There's two more arms.
- Shit! That's the ghost.
- The ghost?
Joste nillsen,
biggest trafficker of
illegal goods in Metro city.
He teamed up with
a Mexican cartel
and they're running
all this shit
through the port.
What the hell
are we supposed
to be buying?
I don't know.
What are you doing?
I got a new identity
that's gonna be killer.
I'll be throwing it to you
to make it legit.
I'm gonna need you
to improvise. Okay?
I don't want to improvise.
I'm gonna need you
to improvise.
I suck at improvising.
I don't want to do it.
I need absolute silence
while I fall into character.
I need absolute silence
while I fall into character.
Can you give me
a head start on...
I need absolute...
I need absolute silence.
Can you please...
Absolute silence.
Are you fucking

serious right now?
All right.
I hate people
who are late.
We're trying to
see that product.
Yo, sleepy!
What's up, homie?
You know my cousin,
sad boy.
I think you got
the wrong guy, homes.
Oh, that's bullshit, man!
You sleepy!
Everyone say
in the barrio,
sleepy, he like
the Mexican Wolverine
and shit.
Hey, my partner here,
he want to see
the product.
Why ain't he talking?
My name is Jeff.
That's jeffe, man.
Tell 'em about
mousie's quinceanera, man.
Tell 'em about
that crazy adventure
you guys had.
I don't know what
you're talking about.
Oh, man, when you were
telling the story
last night,
you had so much detail!
The detail was so rich!
It was rich detail!
Go into incredibly
descriptive details
of the story,
so we all know.
Oh, yes.
It was Dora and Diego
and swiper.

Start over from the top. You want to check out the goods? Check it out. man. man? At the fucking Mumford & sons concert and shit? What is it? Guns? Drugs? No! No! Dude! It's gross! It's inking in my mouth! I'll get it off. . huh? Take them out.Swiper? Who was that you choked out. The accents are gone. It's biting my face! Shit! Black market exotic animals. man? He had it coming! Who was that? Boots. guys. man. that wasn't boots! Boots isn't a real name! You got to tell them the real story. And shut up. I can't believe the punks I have to deal with these days. when we had professionals around. It really makes me miss the '90s. man. just like we expected to be in there. Its tentacle is eating me! It's so strong! It's really on there. Right? Where'd you find this gringo. No. That's a made-up name.

you good? Yeah! All you got to do is walk now. Fuck! All right. Come on. You got it. You stupid moron! That's it. buddy. We shared so much in that car! I'm going to shoot them in the face for that! That was our fucking car! What are you doing? Don't teen wolf on the truck! Don't leave me here alone! Then get up here! I can't do that! Then fucking climb around. Come on.They're cops. that was our car. Shit! . Come on. What was that? I don't know! I think we're moving. We're definitely moving! There's fucking birds and shit in here! There's actual shit! What the fuck? There's a fucking dragon in here! Shit! What was that? Dude. Fucking get up here. Come on. climb around. okay? Okay. This is so scary! Shoot him! Don't leave me out here! I'm all out. Let's go.

What happened? I think they got away. and it'd better be a fucking Lamborghini. This was actually an octopus-related incident. shit! Holy Moses! Shit. Think you can stand on your own now? Yes! I think we lost them. I'm gonna die! You're not gonna die. I guess I'll just drag you. you got it. Come on. Shit! He's the fucking Terminator! That's fucking dangerous! You are under arrest! Pull the truck over! I said pull the fucking truck over right fucking now! You owe me a car. Use your core! You got it. I'd opened a crate and the octopus had . Just get the fuck up here! Pull yourself up here. fine.What the fuck are you doing? Get up here! I can't! All right. come on. Oh. Yeah! All right. you bitch! I did it! You have the right to remain silent. Is that a hickey? Oh.

Apparently. She doesn't get that it's always worse the second time around. and. ladies. thought it was destined to fail spectacularly. You settle into worn-out roles. You begin a slow. painful unraveling. We've doubled their budget. the commissioner's convinced this debacle happened because you weren't doing the same undercover student thing you did the first time. That doesn't sound like us. many arms. the other runs away. Yeah. as all the good things that came before begin to be crushed by the trash compactor of sadness.. Look. they have many. One gets possessive. Like that's going to work.. nobody gave a shit about the jump street reboot when you first came on. But you got lucky. .leapt onto my face. myself included. So now this department has invested a lot of money to make sure jump street keeps going. Well. They have eight tentacles. Yes. Anyone with half a brain. As if spending twice the money guaranteed twice the profit.

I'm getting a divorce.. Do the same thing as last time.I mean. Yes. I thought it was a pretty good idea. We want to burst through our ceiling. it is convenient. we'll probably just be right back across the street. okay... I can't believe the Koreans bought their church back. Let's not get ahead of ourselves. Yeah. like. Okay. everyone's happy. What if we actually went into the secret service and. I don't think that would work. Good thing there was an even bigger abandoned church directly across the street. okay. Just next door. tried to protect the white house? I think. I'm going to ask you to stop talking. We don't want to do the same thing. Next year. And you're gonna find another ceiling and you got to bust through that one. and you just got to keep hammering ceilings.. We're not ahead of ourselves. That's convenient. We're right next . Yeah.

hey! Look alive! Huh? Boys. How you bitches like jump street now? Hey! Y'all see this shit? is the lick. and fuck a Korean Jesus. And we got some new dumb-ass interns. this a Vietnamese church. Vietnamese Jesus just dripping swagoo. Hey. Ooh. I'm thinking about a shark tank over there. Hey. Looks like a giant cube of ice. . Fuck a 21 jump street. This is awesome. Korean Jesus is right there. Yo. So. I like sharks. so here we go. way more expensive for no reason. You racist. Look at that. jenko. That's Vietnamese Jesus. they want the same each other. sacrilegious sack of shit. And I got a big-ass raise to babysit you two fuckers again. Schmidt! Don't do that. Designed it myself. See. Look at dickson's office. We got an espresso bar. Whoa! Cap. come on. Like.

can I just say. And that's the dealer. And now she's dead. ended up falling off the roof. You're going to MC state. Same assignment. We're going to college for real? Somebody's out there. She was a student at MC state. and they get laser-focused for about four hours of studying. Whyphy. Find him and we find the supplier. Play hard? Yes. It's Adderall mixed with ecstasy mixed with God knows what else. they're cooking up a new drug. We're going back to high school? Your ass look like you about 50. it is so refreshing to have a case with a black victim. Stands for work hard? Yes. That's her buying drugs on campus. these kids take this shit. Who's this? That's Cynthia Watson. She took some whyphy. Now. . and then they party like it's goddamn 1999. you dumb motherfucker. Wipey? No. got locked out of her dorm. Sir.Same identities.

. That's cum. so tight! Oh. Fuck.. It's just. What's up. college? What's up. Uh. we care so much more because she's black. Some bacon machine . this is so baller! Beds. It's a tie. we're not. oh. shit. Oh. I think what he's really trying to say is that we care equally. Welcome to college.. bro? We're 322. You all right? Yeah. Fuck high school. That looks like cum. Already got cum on the mattress. dawg.. yeah.. Best part is we get to do it together. how much we care. right? Fuck high school. I'm the first person in my family to pretend to go to college. Hilarious shirt that signals we drink alcohol.I mean. If it was a white person. I wouldn't even care. One less cracker-ass cracker to worry about. no. Oh. Okay. really.. dope. All right. find the supplier. Why every time you speak I want to throw the fuck up? Infiltrate the dealer.

I do not understand how it works. It's a touch childish. Oh. He's not kidding. dad's Chinese. man. too. She's like real black. What do lambos have to do with touching children? Lambos are lame. hey. motherfucker. We're brothers. Exactly. Our mom's not Chinese. one of y'all older? . We have to agree. man? We're the yangs. Like Wesley snipes black. Oh. No. really? What? Like. You know what I mean? What up. Kenny Yang. I'm going to veto that poster. It's true. Oh. He's serious. man. She's black. there's two of you. Okay. I get one choice. I get one thing that I'm not. Super high-tech police gear. What's up? Keith Yang. What's going on? What's going on? Did you say the yangs? Yeah.. Carte Blanche with the budget.that my mom got me. fellas? We're your across-the-hall neighbors.. You're twins. What's up.

I've fucked a thousand girls by now and I don't know. girls here love older dudes. man. Oh. too. balls deeper. man. Yeah. I love spring break. Buy me a coke. snap. We have that brother connection. That's true. We're actually just normal college age. Plus. Mad fuckable. you just kind of want something that's just a little deeper really. 'cause you got crow's feet under your eyes. Glow sticks. That's so sick. even if you're a little older. Jinx. You specifically. You ready? Mmm-hmm. that's cool. Yeah. This is amazing! Carrots.Mmm-hmm. Pirates! Baby feet! Paper clips! Bananas! Sun! Anger! I don't know! Words! Quicksand! . Pumpernickels. Especially during spring break. at the end of the day. you know. Yeah. I mean. dude. there's mad fuckable girls here. That's crazy. we're still saying the same thing. But I do have to say. because. Twins! That's dope.

I know. You're gonna have an awesome time. How you doing? Hey. You took a bullet for me. All right? Same as last time. Hey. That's right. if it's like last time. I'm not gonna take a shit the entire time I'm here. shit. What's up? 'Sup? Just exhausted from inventing Facebook or whatever website people our age use. I owe you a life debt. and it's gonna suck for me. That's great.Shoes! Boom! That's hip-hop. I did. and it sucked. Co-ed bathrooms. I guess the kids . man. because I'm gonna make sure of it. What? Oh. It's gonna be super fun. you're gonna have an awesome time. They still have books? I thought they just put the books inside the computers. No way. too. but I'd do it again. It's my turn. Yeah. No. Awesome. Dude.

then? Now. do you get to fuck or do you just get to watch people fuck? Neither. What the fuck am I taking it for. Yeah. it's just like last time. that'd be sick. I think you're mistaken. walk in and ask your captain to see the evidence room 'cause you're a fucking narc. Go to the police station. You're literally wearing your badge. Nobody? Work hard. ask around about the drug and find out who the dealer is. in human sexuality. So we'll go to all Cynthia's classes and activities. Did you really just check to see if you were wearing your badge? This guy's a fucking cop.just use the stacks to hide and have sex. am I right? You looking for some whyphy? Yeah. we've all heard this statement before. Oh. play hard. Dude. . man. Exactly like last time. I've got a first impression for you. obviously. y'all like psychology? Tracy Morgan.

Well. Then your dealer's probably selling you some pretty stepped-on shit. Because this is a college seminar. Professor Jacobs. The average price of cocaine has dropped 70% in the last 30 years. Professor gets into a lively conversation with the student. Mr. doesn't history happen a long time ago? Well. this is actually my laptop. Friction creates fire. college is a wonderful place. it's definitely harder to get drugs. This is where you get to decide who you actually are. I'm taking notes right now. Hey. I'm kidding. you guys play football? No. mcquaid. Yeah. and that leads to lessons learned. mcquaid? Covalent bonds. Mr.I didn't look down. What has been the result of the war on drugs? Why would you ask me? I'm not a cop. This class is such a gut. It's a football. I can personally tell you that. Wait.. history happens. . and that's how college seminars work..

This is the basis of this whole course. I mean.instead of the person that you're clearly pretending to be right now. I can really say whatever I want. mcquaid! I want you to question what I'm saying. and that's the beauty of college. Her and her. I actually am. I want you right now . I'm sleeping with two of my students. You can say whatever you want. The Eiffel tower is made of dildos. do I just keep doing the same thing. I have tenure. George Washington was a black lesbian. I'm indestructible. Now. or am I gonna choose a different path and question my convictions? I don't have any prior convictions. Mr. Why are you saying this stuff? That's exactly the answer I wanted. by the way. just like you did before. You got to decide. which everyone sees through. You can be whatever you want. They can't fire me.

Boner! You know what? Let's just play the game. mcquaid. So. okay? All right. makes sense with the game. Fieto. not a word. but we want. we got time for just one more improve game. Please respond to my text. that girl's in my psych class.. I've got to get home so I can feed my.. she's hot. Oh. So it'll go like this.. Fieto. so what would you. It's more fun that way.. Say whatever you want. like. I'm so hungry. I wish I had a. Okay. Damn. You can do whatever you want with your life. Oh.. The only way you can fail this class is by not becoming who you truly are.. we just need you guys to fill in the blank in a sentence that we're gonna set up. For this one. Mr. We want it to be actual food so that it.. let's try it one more time. uh. we need a ton of different suggestions. but I'm gonna accept it. So.. say whatever you want. Tampon! Okay. .

This piece is called areolas. Thanks.. You're the guy with the terrible suggestions. Cynthia.Go talk to her. that girl who died. You come talk to her with me. Hi. Yeah? . J. Pills! Pills! Bills! Pills! Bills! A sign of the times that rhymes Amanda Bynes drop that raggedy Andy circus circle jerkus. Yeah. lady J is gonna be up next for you. Go. You're welcome. all right. Yeah. we got. Hi. right? Yeah. Um. she lived across the hall from me.. guys. yeah. Stop being a pussy and go talk to her. Bohnes.. yeah. aka. Coming to the stage. You guys are the improve guys.. Yeah. right? Mmm. All right. Did you know her? Yeah. I think we're in the same psych class. Oh. Hey. she used to come here all the time. That's cool.. man..

a slam poem in her honor.. Oh. 'cause I actually thought it was really powerful. My brown nipple will produce white milk during lactation.. does anybody have anything they want to share? Let's see what you got. really? Yeah... Okay.. do you really do poetry? I do. yeah. very early stages. That's cool that you said that. too. Greedy man hands! .So why do you care so much? I'm.. I mean. That's probably what you should do. Wouldn't it be better just to. . Any more poets in the audience? I. when the one girl was talking about her nips and shit. and I will. plan the stuff out ahead of time.. That's stand-up comedy. because that stuff's funny.. Early stages.. What do you think of this? I actually think it's really powerful. and then not say it in front of people and embarrass yourself? That's a thing that people do.. I'm writing a. like.

we got somebody. So. You'll see. No pressure.. Whoo! I don't have a single lead. Okay. Just go up there. I hear you can get whyphy on campus anywhere 24/7. give it up. Slam poetry! Yelling! Angry! Waving my hands a lot! Specific point of view on things Cynthia! Cynthia Jesus died for our sin-thee-uhs Jesus cried runaway bride Julia Roberts! Julia rob hurts Cynthia! Cynthia you're dead you are dead You're dead that's for Cynthia. I do. guys. What? Okay. okay. All right. This is a work in progress. who's dead.I got somebody. it's good.. Do you think they mean .. Yeah! Um. All right. Yeah! Okay. uh..

let's go find this guy's sticker. we need help. Look at those pectoral muscles. Shot him in the dick. Well.. dude.. you should get some tips from this guy. we should. That's the kind of definition I want out of you.whyphy the drug or WI-Fi like the Internet? What. brain. We need to consult an expert. Yo. . I don't think this guy does stickers. man. Eric? Hey. Yep. How did we find the dealers so easy the first time? Well. you shot him in the dick. For shooting my penis off? Yeah. um. Fuck you. Well. Yeah... his number was literally on a sticker.. you are looking fit. He's looking good. Holy shit. Mr. Don't sweat it. dude. Hey. brother.. in the flesh. Walters. I got him in the dick. Or I should apologize for. uh. If it isn't Turner and hooch. What's up.

Yes! I am! I'm your bitch. no. it's crazy. no. Eric's been all up in that shit. No. It bleeds so much. I'm so sorry. honey. Isn't that right. That's fine. Hey. Oh. You guys want to see it? No. you're not. Eric? You guys got to get me the fuck out of here.I'm liberated. Totally. You know they gave me a vagina? It's awesome. they sent us in undercover at a college . Eric. my God. no. All right. I didn't mean that. no! No. man. I'm Eric's bitch. See? Look. right? I am such a bitch when aunt Flo shows up. am I forcing you into anything? Yes. You know that. You are so clearly forcing Eric into this relationship. no. It's like the elevator doors opening in the shining. guess what. Your vagina doesn't fucking work. Eric's seen it. Worked for you last night.

That's you. I'm Schmidt. That doesn't sound anything like me. My pants are filled with find the dealer of this new synthetic. they gave us a picture. and no one will tell us anything. Whoa! Nice job. We don't know who it is. . but we can't see his face. You sort of sound like that. Well. I was supposed to go to Berkeley. That's 'cause you guys look like fucking narcs. so we don't know who it is. It's not not you. I know. motherfucker! That's what you start with. so we do have that. That doesn't sound anything like me. super sleuths. That's Schmidt being a little bitch. that's your lead. Eric! Close your eyes and tell me who's talking right now. all right? College kids aren't dumb like Eric. That doesn't sound anything like me. Well. Did you even bother to look at the fucking picture? Yeah. That's just not a good impression.

You're all fucking pussies! Dude. Yeah. you don't have to do this. They all start to look the same to me. Dude. you little walk-on fuck! I can't. like. I do a lot of stupid tattoos to drunk kids. man. yeah. Fuck. find the dealer. I don't know. Your fucking guy's got a tattoo. move around in these things. Whoa. It's all right. I am so sorry.Huh? There's a reflection right here.. I'm not gonna get. God. . I love walk-on day! Fuck. Shit. man.. What? I just don't want you to get hurt. I don't know. Fuck you! Fuck you.. That's a weird time to be q-tipping. I think I know exactly who he's talking about. Ow. Are you sure? All right. Do you remember that stupid tattoo? A bazooka? Think I might have did it on a football player. man. Whoops. Guy with a red Mohawk.. Find the tattoo. Don't worry about it.

Nice to meet you. No. let me get it. Uh. Like a meat-qute. yeah.. No. too. Okay. You're hilarious. Nice to meet you. No. yeah. I got my q-tip in your meat. Blue 20! Blue 20! Set. Me and this guy are having a meat-qute. I got it. let me get it.Shit. no.. Hey. It's like a whole new type of sandwich. I got my meat in your q-tip. I got it.. man. I got it. dude. What's your name? Brad.. Wait. No. Brad. I got it. I'll get it. it's Brad. let me get it. hut! You love walk-on day now? . I'm Zook. a meat q-tip. Let's just. I got it. you guys want some of this sandwich? It's a meat-qute sandwich. bro. Ow! That's fine. Like. Zook.. That's funny. I got it. I'm sorry. I got my.. Dude. Let me just get it. man.

So you won't address that? What the fuck's up . Also. yeah. Uh. But I thought. maybe we will. man. you can come. you know. That's. together? Yeah. Great fucking catch. okay. I didn't know you had wheels like that.. too. you could come by and meet the guys. You're funny. Um. Oh. Funny. yeah. Are you guys. this is my bro. Um. Hey. dude. It'd be really fun. It's funny. Dude.. We'll see what we can do. You... you know. holy shit. we have this rush party at zeta. uh. Oh.. too. dude.. I'm good.. Yeah. See you then. hit me quicker. I think. Great. If you see that safety line up that deep.Your arm all right? You want to take that sleeve off? No. So. Great catch. bro. like. I said a bunch of stuff earlier that you didn't acknowledge. though.. really? Wow. Yeah. Cool. 'cause he's my brother. Yeah. sure. bro.

. Puka bros. You should lose the puka shells. Brad! What's up. dude. he kind of really just asked me. man. though. like. dude? Same puka. Dude. I knew we were gonna be connected. bro? You look good.. Look. I mean. You got the same. right. Yeah.. man. Thanks. Dude. it's. I can't believe it's the same. Holy shit! Look at him. why don't you guys just tie your dicks together and get married. all the same. you're tripping. What's up. you wear pants. I just don't want to start off on the wrong foot with this guy. What's up. rooster? How you doing.with that guy? All we have to do now is rush the frat long enough to confirm that rooster has that bazooka tattoo. Yo. too? What? Bros. just like that.. We do everything together. man. man? Digging the puka. Dude. dude. do you think it's cool if you come? 'Cause. Things are different since you didn't go to college.. rooster? Rooster.

You're being weird.. dude. It was just like. Hey. do you have any body art or. any ink I could see? That's a pretty random question. like. bro? Yo. What's up? What's up? I'm rooster. Why don't you go check him out? You in the zone. rooster? Rooster is getting some pop. dude. man. That is so crazy. no. You've been weird. You must just have a really plain face. it was so nice chatting with you. dude? You serious right now? You. They call you that? So. Nice to meet you. really? I don't remember that at all.How you doing. dude. Hey. yeah. They call me ol' plain face. what the fuck are you doing. you want to go see the roof? Fuck yeah. anyway.. Oh. Oh. what the fuck. I want to . Hey. Yo. bro? In the fucking zone. man. Yeah. what am I hearing? What am I hearing right now? And the psychic told you that? Yo. We've met before.

'cause. Hey. Maya Angelou! Poetry. thank you. Come on.. I'm an art major. I cannot.. come on! I miss climbing so much. let's go. dude. So. Come on. let's go. Come on. I can't. I don't know parkour. come on. What do you . right? What about you? Um. so... I guess you have no interest in having a real job in the future. I'm never gonna make any money. When I talk to your parents tonight.. I got it. Okay. Come on. . come on to the roof. No. All right. No. let's go. Come on. art major. You're welcome. okay.see the roof. you can do it.. Okay. I will not tell them about your major. so don't tell my parents. Come on to the roof. All right.. I'm just gonna go home... So you definitely cannot talk any shit. Make fun of the poetry major. Come on.. uh. Absolutely not. One more're never gonna make any money. but. Let's go. All right.

It's just peaceful. my gosh. oh. I would say that it's these two beings leaning up against each other in perfect balance. I don't know. Well. and you're just there with your thoughts. So. like. I love to be alone. I just love when you're sitting there in a room.think about that? Um. So it's just about support. I'm just one of those people that really likes to spend time with myself. I am. Tell me about it. and you're like. I'm alone. they would just lose each other. like. is there someone who supports you? No.. And. Would anyone ever love me? Or whatever. we are gonna go hang out . do I know anyone who would care if I just ever came out of this room or not? Or whatever and. I just like it. If one were to fall. You can't admit that it looks exactly like testicles? That's exactly what it looks like. if you don't want to be alone tonight.. the best at it. Yeah. like.

if you want to come. We like to sit around. yeah. like. just drink some good wine and talk about some important stuff. Okay. I thought it was late.. Right? I've been told that before. Banging bitches and getting wasted all fucking day. It's only 2:00. You know what I mean? Totally. 2:00 A. two of my favorite things to do. You read my mind. Sure. Those are. like.. Do you want to come in? It's only 2:00? I usually go to dinner at. but what I didn't expect was tonight would go in the exact way that you would expect. What? Oh. that's Cynthia Watson's room. I mean. You are. why not? .. So you guys hang out here a lot? Yeah. like.M. Okay. so. we're not into the whole frat party kind of stuff. Oh. a slightly less attractive version of. okay. Picasso? Picasso.. I expected tonight would go in a way that you wouldn't the art building. Okay..

The plainview red herrings. and coach hated it. that's a really outside-of-the-box high school mascot. Shit. They storm the field. . I just got to get it at the right angle.I'm gonna do it. 'cause this shit is coming down. this? Mmm-hmm. why don't you come to practice today? I mean.Stupid fucking goalpost! It's impossible. but they just bounce around.Dude. What? Shit. Look. what's that right there? Oh. bro! You guys might want to hold on. . It's my old high school team. what is that? The tattoo. I'm not supposed to be here . Yo. you're obviously good enough to play on the team. and still do it. Fuck this goalpost. The fans used to rush the field after every win and tear down the goalposts. stop. Look at it swim. And so he cemented them in. You can't fucking do it. Oh. guys. Hey. Hold on.

school's important or whatever. dude. I mean. like. but when I was throwing you those play football. You know. What's that? My tattoo. Dude? I have had that exact vision. we fucking can. Yeah. Zook! Mcquaid! Zook! Mcquaid! And they were chanting and chanting. All you gotta do is join the team. like. Dude. it was like I knew where you were gonna be before you went there. Why not? Yes! Fuck yeah. Dude. What? I'm just here to do my assignments and get out. Bro. bro. and then the goalposts came down. Yeah. Bro? Bro.. Dude. . my entire life. dude. fuck. and then all these fans just started going. that's it. like. well. yeah. vision of me throwing bullet tds to you. Fuck yeah. dude.. I had this. Dude. Like. look.

bro. It was a good time. Zook. it's me. Yeah. How was the. my gosh. all fun and games. Good.. like. where you're meeting your old friends in the park? Yeah. that's what I meant. Oh.Look. Maya. Yep. Okay. and then you wake up in bed next to a 40-year-old freshman. Thrusting and pumping.. I mean. How was the sex for you? It was fun for me. um. so. Know what I mean? Dude. What's up with it? How you doing? Hi. I'm so fucking pumped you're gonna be on this fucking team. I'm 19. I'm just saying. I'm not listening to you guys fornicate all night long. it's. Nineteen minutes late to pinochle. I thought your hip popped out at one point.. Oh. right. I enjoyed it.. . Got a fucking bazooka for an arm. Yeah. How you doing? I'm fine. Hey. This is why I don't drink. look at him.

you're not gonna be weird about this.He's still so sharp. Right? No. It was. the loudest climaxer I've ever heard. Nice to meet you. any one of them. like. God. She's horrible. Tell us about the war. like.. She was Cynthia's roommate. Oh. Oh.. Okay. So you probably have a bunch of stuff that you have to do today. So. so lovely talking with you. I mean. Hey. She seems nice.. Okay. continue to hit it both physically and emotionally kind of guy. my God. a hit it and quit it type of fella. You're a lovely person. like. so I told her I would room with her.. a hit it. like. like. Hmm. I'm. You're. so. Look. That's so inspiring. a 30-year-old sprinkler finally going off for the first time. Doug. you're cool with just hooking up? . the sound of. well. I just want you to know I'm not. are you? No. and I felt bad for her.

I'm gonna split. Schmidt? Shh. three to five minutes or something? All right. um. Are you two fucking around at school again? Hey. 'cause one of us got laid last night. I mean. I mean. Well. at all. Look.. Don't wake up my dick.Yeah. Or the tattoo could just be a dead end. Okay. hasn't gotten . no. we got to pay for this shit. I'm gonna. We need results! No. And I'll text you. like. no. Flew in on the red-eye. What the fuck? It's the same case! Do the same thing. I'm glad you said something.. 'Cause I don't even know if I like you when I'm sober.. we are looking aggressively for this very specific tattoo. no. it's not exactly the same case. I know. You're good at it. that was great sex. so. that doesn't even hurt. What the fuck is this? This is bullshit.. I'll text you later. No. Great. and it's like.

Come on! My human sexuality class is blowing my mind. give me some. Dude. Did you know I used gay slurs in high school? Yes. For starters. she's an art major. Zook has it. Come on.a wink of sleep. We're talking missionary. man! Come on. I am so sorry for being a homophone. a lot of people could have that tattoo. This tattoo? This absurdly specific tattoo? Name one other person who has this. She's a fucking art major. Are we gonna talk about how weird you were today with Dickson? Look. Damn. I mean. I don't think the tattoo means what you think it means. We're talking when I'm on top and she's on her back. directed at me. I will give you some daps. We're talking missionary. Zook has the tattoo? What the fuck? . Give me some motherfucking daps. She can't be that smart. Give me some. Schmidt. for all we know. She's smart.

All right.. it must be hard being so different. We have hung out. Oh. and we're gonna monitor the fuck out of what he's doing. but we're gonna have to investigate your new bff. I'm. can you just give us some space? We're really trying to .We've been looking for this tattoo for days! Do you understand this means Zook is the dealer? I really want you guys to hang out. I'm sorry. We're exactly the same. exactly. basically done fucking watching your shit all the fucking time. What. Guys. Man.. He's completely ignored me. your plan is stupid. Okay. that's really fucking stupid. yeah. My plan is stupid? That's interesting. I'm sorry. like. It makes everything so much easier. Yeah. okay? There's dudes there everywhere. okay. We're gonna put cameras everywhere. We can't just walk into zeta house and just put up a bunch of fucking cameras. I'm the fucking stupid one.

figure something out. Do you feel anything? No. too. Cynthia gave us a butt load. we wrote her logic paper for her. man. but I have a super high tolerance for. Why? Camouflage. I do. those krispie treats got mad whyphy in them. In about four hours. You feel anything? No. Then you're gonna be real focused. Yeah. . Enjoy the food. and we need to focus.. You're fine. Yeah. and in exchange. man. I've eaten six of these. We made a batch for the whole dorm. Be real focused. we'll see you guys later. Yes. I'm so focused. man. man. You're gonna be all right.. Maybe this is a good thing. you're gonna be tripping. All right. man. man. Who sold you whyphy? Nobody sold it to us. All right. okay? You're not gonna have trouble focusing. Let's use that focus to figure out a way to get into zook's house. I'm so focused. You don't have to be on top of me.

What are you doing? I'm cutting glass. Okay. Out. You guys.Go. Yes! Obviously. That's the last of 'em. It can't cut glass. I've said it five times. I don't have any more cameras. Yeah. Time to prove that zook's the dealer. I'm so focused. You don't need to drill so many holes. I don't have any more cameras. you can do that one. All right. It's a laser pointer. Okay. You know what's not lame? Safety. all right. Give me another. The guy's all-time. that one's perfect. Next up is Brad mcquaid. Let's go. Right? Yes. No fucking way. Let's do this. Okay. so no? Dane? All right. That helmet looks kind of lame. okay.. the guy's. right? I mean.. I'm so focused. What? That's no fun at all. let's be honest. Yeah. Bull's-eye. Or not the dealer. . Let's do this. Bingo.

Shit! . our guy. Why? Why? I was talking to him for a second. See. like. like. Brad could be.I mean. Uh. the kid sucks. he's nice. He's got a big mouth. dude. like. Brad's in. Doug mcquaid. He's gonna be fine. I'm just saying. I'm trying to hear them be nice about me. and Brad. That guy is harmless. Look at him. Okay. Our thing? Yeah. You talk way too much. I got a bad feeling about this guy. I have a serious girlfriend.. he was opening up beer cans with his eyeballs. you're fucking this up. so I doubt we get Brad without Doug. That's not true. He follows him around everywhere. He could.. okay? I feel like he could fuck this whole thing up for us. dude. This is fucking bullshit. Shh. So Brad. That's so sweet of them. No! He's a bag of dicks! He's Brad's brother. He looks like a 30-year-old eighth grader. be a part of our thing.

Oh. It's way better. No. but. football. We got to get out of here. God. man. Okay. shit. fuck! I'm having a bad trip! We're having a bad trip! I think we are tripping. No. They made us! They're gonna kill us! Jenko! Where are you going? Oh.. No. Shit. . dude. It's all good. It's some kind of weird split screen! Hello. Go. I checked twice. we're fine. isn't this great? My side's so much scarier than yours. You should come over here. your trip sucks. you're just paranoid because we're about to trip balls. Oh.Shit. we made it. Is somebody up there? Shit. go! I'm so focused. Look. We made it. shit! Help! Help! What's happening! What the fuck? I can't breathe. I'm paranoid because it could be dangerous.. Did you lock the door? I did.

Stay! Wake up! Get out of the car! Shit. No. Schmidt.Jenko! Jenko! I finally got my lambo! Hey. What the fuck? Is that vodka? Welcome to zeta. look! Look! Look! My legs are tired. stop it. This is amazing. No! Stay here! No. stay here. okay? Stay. my God. If you don't have anything to fucking say. God. don't you? What? Do you have anything to say? Please don't kill us. No. I don't want to stay here. open your fucking mouth. You're dragging me down! Why would you drag me down? Please stay! I'm flying. What? Where are you going? I'm just gonna go up for a little while. Get out of the car! Get on the ground! On your fucking knees! Get on your knees! You already know. I'm flying. Don't go! Oh. Hey. jenko. Help! No more music! You'll always be alone. . no.

for my favorite event. I can't do this anymore! And now. Shut up... I'm not doing this. Rooster. buddy! Pledges. four. whatever happens tonight. No. motherfucker! . no! I'm not doing this.. . I'm not doing it.pledges! Yeah. Ready? Go! Here we go.. five.. you can do this. I can't do it anymore! I can't do it anymore! Twenty's the record! Thirty-three.. Fuck this... you got to.67.Drink. okay? I'm gonna throw up. three. tonight. you're dead to all of us. This is disgusting. Go.. 34. I know.Drink. you have to keep up. here we go. two.. motherfucker! Drink. I can't. One. we separate the weak from the strong. What are. light the torch! For zeta! . You can do this. motherfucker! Look. motherfucker! Drink. okay? All right? Hey! Schmidt! . If you don't make it through tonight.

What the fuck, man?
What is your problem?
You said you wanted
to stick together.
This is what we have to do
to win their trust.
This is supposed to be fun.
It's just drinking
and bonding games.
It's fun.
It's fun for you.
It's not fun for me.
I don't know.
Maybe we should just...
Maybe we should
just investigate
different people.
Did you really
just say that?
Did you really just say
that you want to
investigate other people?
That's what you want?
I don't know, maybe.
Maybe we should just...
We should just branch out.
Okay, just sow
our oats a little.
Sow our cop oats.
Look, I have
an in with Zook.
We have a thing
and it's good, and...
I don't know,
maybe I should just
stay closer to him.
And you should
do your thing
with your connections
and channels
with Cynthia's roommate.
You should see if she knows
who sold her drugs.
I just...
I just don't...
I don't like the idea

of us doing stuff separately.
No, look, we can
still investigate
It's just, you know,
now it'll be an open thing.
You want
an open investigation?
I don't know if
that's what I want.
All right? I just think
it's healthy right now
for us to try it.
Okay, so I guess
I'll just catch
you later, then.
You okay?
No, you can't
hug me right now.
Do you need money
for a cab or anything?
No, I don't need money
for a cab.
I don't know where
the fuck I am right now.
Hey, Lauren.
I just want to get in bed
and watch friends all day.
Let's hear it
for your metropolitan
city state statesmen!
And the statesmen
take the field
for the opening game
against the university
of college generals.
And a surprise
start today
for walk-on freshman
Brad mcquaid.
Looks pretty old

to be a freshman.
It's the hormones
in the milk, Bob.
Ready? Set, hut!
Haythe drops back.
And connects
with mcquaid!
Who beats safety
will glock like an egg white
in my famous meringue recipe.
Holy shit, he's good.
None of you tell mcquaid
that he's good, all right?
If you do, he'll leave
this shitty program.
And as the clock
ticks down, we've got time
for one last play.
Another perfect hookup
between haythe and mcquaid.
Even their
end zone celebration
is in perfect sync.
It's like these two
share a single brain, Bob.
That's right, Jim.
They both have
one half a brain.
And the crowd
rushes the field
to try and knock down
a goalpost.
It's not coming down!
Good luck, guys.
Looks like mc state's
got a new power couple.
Zook and mcquaid!
I got to get
around you, man.
I can't jump up.
I got a broken ankle.
Fuck yes!
One more!

Who is that? Nothing. I'm Annie. Arnold Schwarzenegger! I'm so jammed! Fuck you! There's a sock on the door! Don't come in! Fuck. Hi. Well. Worst thing to say. Hi. Nice to meet you. . Hey. we're undercover. Thanks. Listen. my parents are here. Fuck. mom. too. All right. ready? Come on! Focus! Come on! Do it! Fuck you. So this is the girl? Hi. No problem. Wonderful. okay? Thank you. My God! Fuck! Hey! Look at you! What are you guys doing here? What? Are you kidding? It's parents weekend. David. Nice to meet you. Doug! Maya! Hey. My dad. I'm your new mother-in-law. These are my parents. You're dating someone. yeah! I'm having sex with a human woman.

and then he stalked me back to my dorm room. that's so beautiful.. and. The fuck? I. This is bullshit! This fucking. we watched it a couple times.. waiter! What can a black man do to get some water . all these. students and parents. Do you like weather? You two know each other? No. this is Doug. How's your classes going. a guy that I'm dating. Doug? You. thank you.. I love meet-cute stories.. So. Stalked her? Oh. We met at a poetry slam. uh....Maya.. Actually. This is crazy. Then what happened? And then we hung out and we watched a movie. hurry up! Your mama done found a table she want.. How do you know this person? Dad.. I have an idea. Potential witnesses. How did you two meet? Oh. we were just in the neighborhood. Why don't we all sit together? Would that be fun? Yes.

I'm gonna need a motherfucking crepe before I go crazy. playa? Want to go to the movies? I'll break your motherfucking legs! Break your legs! What? .around here? Give the fucking guy some water! He's black! He's been through a lot! For the sake of your daughter. But this pork shit? Got to go! He's really taking it out on the omelet bar. hook me up. please keep it together. man. Come on. Don't you like fruit? I like fruit. What's up. I'll be right back. I want some fucking deviled eggs. but my husband's from northridge. Two little fucking string beans? Give me the goddamn string beans. where are you from originally? I'm straight outta Compton. What the fuck y'all doing? Y'all rationing around here? Come on. I like fruit. Shit was nasty! He's under a lot of pressure at work. So. hook me up.

Hey. I'll do another. with everything that happened with Cynthia and whyphy. He's a scout. yeah. Brad. I'm gonna tell you something. I just don't want you to screw up. I mean. It's d-I.How you doing. look. Mr. All right. They're not happy with the situation. And I want you to be on it with me. nothing. you know you can always tell me something if you want to get it off your chest. right? What are you trying to say? No. We're like . nice plant? Get your fucking ass in there. Hey. he's not playing well. Yeah. all right? Can I trust you? Yeah. They want me to make a tape. I have a friend who knows a guy at umc. this could be our shot. Nothing else? They had five guys in the draft last year. man. You don't think I know what I'm doing? What? I know exactly what I'm doing here. Their qb. you want another beer? I'm gonna get another beer. You know I'm always here for you. of course.

You can just bust right. like. so high. All right. like. What do you want to be. I mean. Right through it. You're gonna be in. But we're both Batman. right? I fucking hate my dad so much. You really think I could make it at umc? Dude.the dynamic duo. We're gonna have to tear those anals up. Right through it. like. that's you. No. dude. Do you have any idea what it's like to have a guy like that telling you what to do all the time? I can only imagine. We're gonna fucking tear it up. the anals of football history. you could make it into the anals of football history. too. Dude. come on. We're like Batman and Robin.. I just don't understand what his problem is .. bro. Right through it. your ceiling is. you could make it into the hall of fame. a stockbroker? Or a cop? Dude. it's just a tape. Just break right through it.

yeah! All right? All right? Yeah. I don't. Why does my dad have your phone number? I don't know. All night.. . then.. Are you sure it's not too much. So we don't have to think about him anymore. You're very honest and nice. Maya. Okay. bro. No way. Yeah. I was Peter Pan. That makes no sense to me.. dude. All right. like. Mmm-mmm. Let's do something.with you specifically. Come on. Maybe the school directory or something. You're really close with your brother. you know. you are a perfectly good guy. Is it okay if we just talk? Okay.. Let's do something that would distract us.. Yeah. though? No! Yeah! Fuck. Let's talk.. Jesus... It seems like. but then I was. Um. Mmm-mmm. You're a fucking genius. Yeah. All night. late. I mean. Yeah.

All right. Yeah. It's gonna be so worth it. Jinx. It was meant to be private. I'm so sorry. you know what this needs? Another star wipe.. and. actually. You're just jealous . dude. you can help yourself to whatever you need. Bye. but being young isn't one. am I supposed to just sit here and not act like I hear every one of your problems? You got 99 problems. On what? I can't believe we've been talking all night. this. How long have you been there? Like. Bye. This stuff wasn't meant for you.. It's gonna be fucking worth it. I. I know. Yeah. Okay.. So. the longest amount of time you could think of right now. I'll see you later.Yeah.. I promise. Okay. my God. I have class. Okay. Buy me a beer... all right? Dude. Best night ever. Nice twist. Oh. I'll see you. it's 8:00.

and she went to the school shrink three times a week. I wasn't told that I had a 9:00 A. This is our investigation. door. You're more messed up than Cynthia was. But he gave her a ton of pills and shit. we're your 9:00 A. Please. I'm pretty close with my grandpa. You're an amazing doctor. No. Maybe he could give you something for your weird old face. door. And we're cured. session.M.M. You think . You're late. I was busy with the investigation. Oh. This is Cynthia's therapist's office. Okay. Hey. All right. Patient exhibits drug-induced paranoia. too. Watch the door. actually. that's us. Thank you very much. Why? I don't know. Uh. Yeah. Believes her life is in danger. is that all I'm good for? Just watching a fucking door? Got it. Hey.because Maya and I have a real connection. no.

I suspect you're partners. Or maybe I should be more like your beautiful zook. go fuck yourself! You go fuck yourself. Like this isn't even worth saving. . Which is what I thought we learned in high school. Please. Oh. You're so selfish. Doc. Oh. I picked up on that early. That's a lot of fucking. All right. continue the dialogue. Oh. okay. my God. So you are high school sweethearts.'re the first partners only to try to run when you're first faced with talking with me? How the fuck did you know we were partners? He doesn't know we're partners. I just feel like sometimes he's not even trying anymore. sometimes I feel like that we should be more like the yangs. Why don't you hold hands? Okay. Sometimes I like to have the participants make physical contact. Well. A relationship is something that requires constant work.

. though. right? Okay. okay. If you don't interlock it. like without actually having to do it. I want to be able to have that. He literally is terrified of being by himself. Fine. you see this? This is strong. What I want to be able to have is this. Okay? And why the fuck are you guys ganging up on me? Gang up on him. not at all. He won't hold my hand. Okay. Oh. You got to interlock it.... Look. you. I know zook's your buddy . Nice. that same thing. I'm not doing it. He's clingy. it's not hand-holding. seriously. Okay. I'm. in. I kind of need you to do it. Hmm? Do you see? Reach out your hand.I'm not doing that.. He's literally reaching out for you. We might as well just be friends and not partners. Is this. Are you embarrassed of your partner? No. He won't hold my hand..

... .. It's a fascinating principle. Zook has the tattoo. I teach about a principle called embedding. I'm thinking.. Now. Shut up. or even ignoring. You think it's possible that we embedded? What. he's actually not our guy. I know the first time he met you. you dropped a fucking sandwich on his foot and he smiled at you. What'd you say embedding was? Embedding? Oh. I. but you are completely blind to the fact. like when we were drunk or something? We embedded each other? Okay. but he's our guy. contradictory information. embedding is our tendency to latch on to the first bit of information that we're offered and overlooking. you know. Look at the facts. I'm gonna recommend. I would know. we sometimes cling to things because they're familiar and comfortable.and you don't want him to be guilty. Matter of fact.. No.. He knew Cynthia..

The first time we saw the photo of Cynthia buying whyphy.. One.. shit! No! That is not happening right now! No! Hey. y'all. What the fuck is going on? This is what the fuck is going on. What if Cynthia wasn't the buyer? What if Cynthia was the dealer? Captain. You heard him. two. Captain? Are you wearing kevlar? Now. . Yep. Get the fuck out.Good session. shit! Oh. shit! Oh. Oh. he's fucking the captain's daughter! Yo! Every time he say . you can leave the room. dickson said. This took a turn. . we're not gonna sit here and pretend there's not a big-ass elephant in the room. we have something really. this guy's the dealer. but what if dickson was wrong? And we've ignored all the other clues. Everything we've done and thought has been based on that fact.Okay. really important to tell you about.Okay. Just get the fuck out. gentlemen.

really. really. Captain... my God! This is. I think it's bizarre that I haven't cut your motherfucking nuts off... you bragged to that face? You actually high-fived schmidt for fucking your daughter. You bragged to him to his face. What if captain gets to punch you in the face one time.. Schmidt.. I got something . Do you understand that this face right here..that's another foot in your ass. Yo. really hard? Nah. you clearly.. I just want to say that it was bizarre not to share the fact that your daughter went to mc state. It's really not that funny.. Holy shit! Oh.. this is the best thing ever! Schmidt fucked the captain's daughter! Schmidt fucked the captain's daughter! Schmidt fucked the captain's daughter! Shit! Fuck! You fucked captain dickson's daughter? Captain.. Oh. To his actual face. what the.that shit.. my fuck! .

That one. I apologize about the zook thing. he's not the dealer. Welcome back.. We did have carte blanche. You mean carte blanche. I'm warning you. And we got a bigger problem. find the supplier. this fucking office. No more money in the budget.way better than that. Not no more. but don't cost the department no more money. Look. dum-dum. You think Cynthia was the dealer? How the fuck we gonna infiltrate the dealer if the dealer is dead? We have to stop treating this like it's exactly the same as last time. You got that expensive chase in the beginning. and you can't even see the motherfuckers. Shit's expensive! I got on $800 shoes.. that expensive equipment. So now you two motherfuckers is in the crosshairs. I thought we had Cate blanchett with the budget. You were right. What? I thought we had Cate blanchett. This look like some shit iron man would have. . Cate blanchett? Yeah.

Library. All right. okay? Kids don't check out books anymore. one sec. You apologized. Um. What are you doing? Don't leave me hanging. I'm coming. okay? . where literally no one goes anymore. man. I got to go or I'm gonna blow my cover. Dude.. Library. where are you? We're warming up.Okay. We're at work right now. Fuck. man? Now we have no leads. Do you realize how cool. Book place. man. What's that worth. right? I don't even think they know how to read. great. dude.. one sec.. All right. I'm just gonna. What's up. The game's about to start.. Wait. dude? Hey. later. What are we supposed to do now? Police work. Don't throw a fucking dead person's dildo at me. And the dealers check out the books. look. The supplier is putting drugs inside the books in the library. We're going to catch the supplier.

Let's hear it once again.. What is this? Jelly beans? Crap! Set.. You got this. Huh? I do miss the days. Shit. It's a trick play! These two are practically interchangeable. I'll be back in two hours. My brother needs me again. State name! Number! State name! Number! Color! Color! Number! This is the place. Mcquaid throws down the field to haythe. loyalty's cool. What's he doing here? . You scared me..You can do this alone. they are human football players. but instead of little green balls. Look. and I admire it. you know. Oh. mc state. hut! Mcquaid crosses in an end-around.When people did normal drugs. Look at this crap. And he hangs on for the touchdown! These two are peas in a pod. for your dynamic duo. Bob. You'd think if somebody wants to show us their operation. they'd at least be on time.. shit. .

. It's just a couple of faggots. Um. Hey.. I'm fucking here. . Shit.. hey.. . Check that out. You happy? Shh! The ghost is right there. Hey. yo. You shut the fuck up. okay? He's about to meet up with the supplier. Yeah. You're being so fucking loud. The kid's pretty rude to make us wait like this..Shit! Um. . Oh.Hey. You're the one fucking talking. fuck.. Can you shut it? What's wrong with those classic drugs from the '90s? Heroin. I gotta take a piss. I just came so hard! What the hell is going on? It's okay. But you can't allow yourself to be held down by a guy just because he won't let go. what the fuck did you just say? Did you just . You're interrupting a really stellar blow job. you know.and I know he's your brother. cocaine.What's going on here? .You shush. Whoa.

If they have a great sense of humor.. And if you know the person. 'Cause we have guns. motherfuckers? You remember me? I'm your best night. he took one human sexuality class. he thinks he's Harvey milk. Oh. asshole.. And you motherfuckers are all under arrest. just for once. that's right. just back me up? Why can't you just use your head for once? Oh. yeah. Are you the police? Yeah. I don't. Homosexual. Where's your gun? What? Do you have guns? No. No. us faggots? He said you were sucking his dick. Will you please. why don't you . I'm sorry. man. It's getting worse lately. I'm your worst nightmare. Gay is okay. You want me to use my head? Fine. Oh. Well. what's up now. you might be able to call them a queer. but I don't. You can't fucking use faggot. maybe. It's 2014. it's my memory. my God.

Shut up and get in. Are they even still chasing us? Yes. go. this way. just come this. Schmidt. come on! Let's go! I can't jump down! I'm not. fuck! Shoot them! Shoot them! Come on. will you hurry up! Stop yelling at me! You're distracting me! Schmidt. Schmidt! Schmidt! Hurry up. okay? Schmidt. it's faster.put your guns down.. like. fucking spider-man! I'm gonna get the car. That's the car you got? I'm sorry it's not a fucking lambo. people will never stop discriminating. they're still chasing us! Why did you do that? We were about to catch the supplier.. fuck. What's wrong with you? Look. Go! Shit! How hard can it be? Shoot them! Fuck. and let's fight like men? Because we have guns. run! Get him! Go! Go. No. if you don't say something. Stairs are so much faster. Will you please .

it's just so wasteful. shit! Watch out. it looks cool. watch out! That is just like a little helmet machine. we broke everything! There was a lot of expensive stuff in there! Oh. but. we're gonna lose 'em in the robotics lab. shit! They're going into the stadium! .do something about how slow this thing's going? Oh. no! Oh. you went to the sculpture garden? Do you know how expensive that's gonna be? Shit! It's like they're trying to hit 'em or something. They're destroying everything! Captain's gonna kill us! What are we gonna do? All right. I mean. We can't destroy any more stuff! We can't waste any more of the department's money! Watch out for that cash machine! Whoo! Which way? Which way? Which way? Whichever way's cheaper! Right? You went right? You could've gone in a parking lot. What? Oh. I mean.

I gotta tell you something. maybe. just say it. And zook said I could room with him. I got offered a scholarship to play football here next year. We're the same. What? Get the fuck out of the way! You gotta jump. Do you want out? If you want out. okay? It's just. when I'm on the football field and I'm diving for a pass. okay? It's just. Jenko! Jesus Christ! Dude. No. so I was thinking that I could do that. jump. schmidt. I just wish you could fly with me.Listen. I don't want out. the brakes are out. 34-14.. What? You can't be a cop and stay here and play football with zook.. look. All right? And when I'm with you. it just feels like you hold me down. There's no friction with me and zook. And there go the fans onto the field. jump! No. And the statesmen win. You gotta jump. No. . I know. you know. I feel like I can fly.

I'll explain later.. Hey. no. Just stick with football. sir? Good. Thanks for lying to me. What? Dude. wait.Fuck! Let's go. thanks.. Maya angelou. You did it! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! You're under arrest.. I can't give you the same feeling that these guys can. What are you doing? What are you doing? I. man! Mcquaid! Mcquaid! Mcquaid! Hey.. Lam-bros! Yes! Brad mcquaid! Brad mcquaid! Brad mcquaid! Brad. How are we doing tonight. . He didn't do anything. No. I decided for you. Are we waiting on anybody or you dining alone? Someone may swing by. um. Maybe we were only supposed to do this once. boss. I'm an officer. he's a student. all right? Just take me in. Wait. Hey. Aw. this is the fucking best moment of my life! Let's go. We gotta go. sir. no.

but we can...
We can order
without them.
We have identified
and arrested one
Dr. Karl Murphy,
who was found with
whyphy residue
throughout his office...
...and had a close
personal relationship
with the deceased.
Exactly like a case
we had recently at
a high school.
Exactly the same.
The case is closed.
You know, like, what
you're gonna do after
you're out of here?
You're not supposed
to throw rocks.
You're not supposed
to throw rocks.
The lobster for one person.
Enough for one person only.
I found something in
this whyphy case that
caught my attention.
Get the fuck out
of my office.
Sir, you don't...
We caught the guy.
Yeah! Yeah!
Hey, you want to do
anything else other than
work out today?
Like what?
Come on, dude.
They're just
lobsters, dude.
Come on.
No, don't be afraid.
It's gonna claw your face.
It's gonna claw your face.

It's gonna be like
this, dude, for the
rest of our lives.
What are you doing here?
Just came to see
how you are.
I'm doing fucking great.
I'm the happiest
I've ever been,
so I'm just having
a great time with myself.
I'm glad you're
having a good time
with yourself.
I'm a solo artist now,
like Beyonce.
I used to have the
other destiny's children,
but now I'm just, uh,
a lone superstar.
Happy for you.
Just a light-skinned
princess with a dream
and an amazing voice.
That's great.
How are you?
I'm pretty great.
I just chill and...
You know how
chill zook is.
Zook's such a chill guy.
Just like ice.
That makes me
so happy for you.
So, look, I just
wanted to say that, like,
I was thinking
about the case,
and I was worried
that they got
the wrong guy for it.
I don't think
he's the guy, either.

I looked into
the ghost's background,
and I saw that
he pays tuition for
a student at mc state.
You think
the ghost could be
the supplier's dad?
Okay, that's
a pretty good piece
of information.
Thank you.
Well, I heard whyphy's
coming back in a big way.
Someone's bringing
a shit-ton of that stuff
down to puerto, Mexico,
for spring break.
And if that happens,
whyphy is going viral.
It's gonna be
at every college
in the country.
I think my information
was stronger.
Look, if you...
If you want to,
we could go down there.
Like together?
We don't have to
put a label on it.
Just, like, one-time.
One-time thing.
No big commitment or
stress to each other.
What about school
and football and
your wonderful new life?
I have time off.
I'm on spring break.
Cool tingling.
Got room for one
of these babies.
A grenade.
Why you gonna

Spring break. Perfect. Do you see that? And if you rat me out. Put your fucking dick away. put your dick away. motherfucker. Feels right. Upstairs.put it there? That's just unsanitary. Did you not see that I was going first? Excuse you. Sell shit out of it. You want to go first? Spring break. My gosh! I'm sweaty. So you're not gonna be weird about this? Okay. Okay. man. We're gonna get all these kids at spring break hooked on whyphy. You know this is just a one-time thing. so here's the plan. upstairs. right? I know. Then you're gonna bring it back to your turf. Come on. and you're gonna sell the shit out of it. Missed a spot. I framed my psych prof just for giving me a b-minus. You guys are actually eating stuff in here? That's so crazy. Excuse you. . Let's go. motherfuckers! Hey.

I used his and he used mine. I am. well. don't get high on your own supply? We didn't. Cool. What? What the fuck are you doing? Be quiet. Okay. Nah. Like. Dad. blanche did heroin. those are. I didn't do that. heroin and. Blanche never did heroin. what they did on the golden girls. Why don't you sell those old classic drugs from the '90s. have you ever heard of.. you'll take my dead roommate's spot. Jesus Christ. yangs? Are you fucking high? Of course. Yeah. Are you kidding me. now I have to make a fucking example out of you. yangs. Who first? You want to go first? . like. old-people drugs. Yeah.He's in jail now. We're gonna build a nationwide network. Yeah. Dope. That's. Okay. so don't fuck with me. so. like cocaine. I'll just sit here and be silent. like. That's a gun.. All right.

it's schmidt. do we have company? . fuck.I don't want to die. we're cops.Oh.. You want to do rock paper scissors? Rock paper scissors? That's how we'll do it. That's how we'll do it. Buy me a coke in heaven. And guess what. Yeah. Jinx. Fuck. Jinx again. you will have to have a clean record. Yeah. Oh.. Put your guns down! Fucking guns down! Doug? My name's not Doug. move in! . If you're going into the family business. Oh. we won't figure this out. . Fuck. . my God. Really? You guys look like the stars of a cop show called Hawaiian dads. Boom. everybody knows. I don't want to die. That's why we have these guys to do it for us. We got to move right now. All right. . enough is enough. Drop yours first. Boys.Darling. Fuck.Yeah! Drop your guns.I'll shoot both of you. You die.

huh? That seemed like . that's a good point. what? You had the fucking tracking device. You're the smart person. I do the physical shit. Okay. Oh. You know what. Maybe my partner has a tracking device in his pocket right now. Mmm-hmm. I don't have it. but every possible time you can do something dumb. I mean. Drop your fucking guns. I may drag you down sometimes. Yeah. That's the one fucking thing you were supposed to remember. No.. May. What's up now. That's your domain.. you do the dumbest possible thing. so you mean I brought the tracking device.We have way more guns than you. the fucking dumbest possible thing is letting two cops blah-blah-blah while other cops are getting in position to bust their shit in. was this really your entire plan? Coming in here with no backup? Or maybe we had a far more elaborate plan. Wow. You do the tracking device shit.

my God. Oh. what do I do? Is that my bathing suit? Just ask. Dad. leatherface. No one's getting shot. Right in the crack. right after I fucking said that? Can I have your gun? It's bigger. We're here. It's polite. You know what happens in a shoot-out. bitch. They always kidnap the girl. Don't do it. He's got the drugs! This is so boring. fool. Now. Not always. as well.such a real argument. You shot me in my foot! Wait! Move! Move faster now! I'm taking my time. please. We shoot dicks off here in jump street. That's improv. Move! Spring break yourself. Mercedes? You're coming with me. Bitch. Did you just get shot. like. We jump street. . Stop! I'll shoot you in the ass! Dad! Maya? What are you doing here? This is a shoot-out. and we about to jump in yo' ass. I ain't going nowhere with you.

I can't get in. Are you sure? I need to drive. I'm gonna kill both of you motherfuckers! Fuck. If I die. you shot me in my goddamn foot. Who gives a shit about the lambo? Just go! Let go of the fucking keys! I can't let 'em go. bro. I promise. How do you drive this thing? You got to let her drive you. Hey! Look where you're going! . Come on. you don't..Shit. 'cause you're faster on foot. let's go! But I want. Take care of her. okay? It'll be glorious. How are we gonna catch him now? Lambo. we need to split up. Are you okay with that? Yeah. You're gonna have to take 'em. Shit.. What? I don't get to drive the lambo? No. there's ghost! What? What do we do? Uh. Doug? Doug! Maya! Mercedes just took my dad that way! Okay. Policia! Policia! Fuck off. we're on it. I can do it.

schmidt! Old man coming through! Excuse me. doves! Puerto. all right? Dude. bitch. Schmidt! Get over here! I'm handcuffed! Give it up. excuse me. My hands are hurting. I got to go..Fucking complicated. I got to go. asshole! And nice parking job! Fuck! I'll be right back. excuse me. Fuck! Oh. Mexico. This is quite enough. you dick! Fuck you. I gotta go. You need to let me go and drop all this. shit. . Way too. Brad! Spring break! Look. . A little bit too furious. Whoa! You know who's behind us in that car? That's one of the best drivers that we got.. Sorry. let's hear you get crazy! It's like a Batmobile... I can't.It's so confusing! Easy. Come on.What is this? Holy shit! You fucked up me driving a lamborghini. I'll be right back. Get out of the way! Tokyo drift! That was way too fast and pretty. .

Okay. Girl fight. Are you all right? I think there's . It's on now. Hey.That's a direct order. Bring it! I'm ready. If you thought of me as a person instead of a woman. you would hit me and not feel bad about it. Oh. my God. Want to fight like a man? Then you better fight like two men. I've been running like crazy! Hey! Hey. Oh. old man river! Come on! Hey. Really? More twins? Get up. Hey. Get up and hit me. my God. you fucking pussy! I'm not gonna fight a girl. dawg. so just stop! It shouldn't matter. Oh. motherfucker! Come over here! You are so old and weak! Drop the fucking gun! Seriously! Get your wrinkly hands off me! Where the hell have you been? Looking for you. Is there blood in my eye? Oh.

Oh. and Mrs.blood in my eye. you're so weird! You're fucking Mr. No. I didn't. you did. The eyes were . I never once wanted to kiss you! Never! No! You just did it again! Stop it! Stop! You're making a face that is sexy! I don't even want to kiss you! Then stop trying! You keep trying! I've never tried to kiss you. and Mrs. You gave me kiss me eyes. This wasn't a sexy fight. like you haven't wanted to kiss me the whole time. Smith-ing me. Fucking learn how to hit! That's a little better! That's a little better. Smith-ing you. motherfucker! Come on! Come on! No! No! What? What were doing? What am I doing? Why'd you try to kiss me? I didn't fucking try and kiss you! Yes. I'm not Mr. Ooh.

Doesn't even hurt! Okay. so stop kissing me! Okay! No! You're leaning in again! I didn't know if we were gonna punch or kiss! You're making this so uncomfortable. 'cause I feel so awkward.. This is the most uncomfortable fistfight I've ever been in. And then we're gonna go back to fighting and we'll pretend this never happened. This isn't the spring break you imagined? How about this? You want a little fun? What is that? . Okay? Okay.. I want to see you get crazy! Whoo! I fucking hate spring break! Fuck! Ow! Are you kidding me? It's plastic. They weren't kiss me eyes.I just got punched in the face eyes. I don't even like you! Neither do I. I'm gonna give you an out by punching you in the face.

Then don't take the shot! Maybe I want to take a dirty shot. I guess it's him.Get wet. Kind of like the dirty shot you took on my daughter. Oh. You probably haven't run that fast since you played stickball in the field behind old pop wiggleby's sweet shop. Now who's the damsel in distress? Fuck! Well. Lube on my face. You're so violent! Get off me unless you're gonna fuck me! I'm not gonna fuck you! Are we gonna fuck? No. thank God. I didn't take a dirty shot . ever! Get off! Hey! Hey! What? What are you gonna do? Choke me with your liver-spotted hands? You gonna push me over with your Walker? I'm impressed you caught up to me. Look who got off the motherfucking leash. schmidt. Freeze. baby! So much lube in my face! Oh. I don't have a clean shot. we're not! Is that what's happening? No! I'm not gonna fuck you. bitch.

So many fucking stairs. Okay. . You go handle the ghost.Oh! Good job on the cuffs. You made it. Wait. Did you get Mercedes? Yeah. no. No. I'll take the fucking shot. And. hit the bitch right in the chest. I can feel inside of Maya. Nobody take the shot before me... dude. and we care about each other. I'm gonna take the shot. you were right. All by myself. baby girl. wait. I'm taking the shot.What you looking at? . I'm on it. no. All the good qualities you have. . dude. How about we take it at the same time? No one take a shot. wait! Shit! You have the right to remain silent. Don't take the shot. I got this. I can shoot right through your shoulder. wait. Don't take the shot. Really? Mainly by myself.on your daughter. I got it. It's me! It's me! Shit. okay? We talked a lot. He's on the roof.

Act like you have bullets. Just can't hear that right now. It's the thought that matters. We got to go. No. It's fucking taking the bullet.that lambo. just wiggle the stick back and forth! He's only got one arm! I only need one arm to punch you in the dick. How many bullets you got left? None. Yeah. then. But I tried. let's go.. it's not the thought that counts. It's not good. I'm gonna go long. take this. We gotta go! We have to wait for pudding! Jenko! Go. Shake him off! Shake him off! Don't be a pussy! . Okay. motherfucker! Come on. Cover me.. Terminator! Hey! Get off of my chopper! Can you shake him off? I'm coming for you. Bye-bye. I tried to take a bullet for you. go! Here. man. Hey. But you didn't. It's a shitty-made car. Okay.

You lift me up. Oh. man! Why'd you do that? 'Cause you did it! I couldn't leave you hanging.Holy shit! I did it! I look so fucking badass! Oh. You don't hold me down. I mean. my God. there's a grenade in my shorts. I know. I had it. You weren't. You don't drag me down. Hey. Literally and figuratively. You're really heavy. What about that? That's my dick also. shit! Is that it? That's my dick. man. you flew! This is crazy! You made the leap. listen. I meant both. I got you! Shit! Schmidt! I got you! You saved my life! I just realized something. Why is it hard? I have so much adrenaline right now! Is that it? You're tickling me. man! What are you talking about? I was fine... man. You're dragging me down. except right now. I can't find it! . Can you reach it? You gotta go in from underneath. either. Yeah.

Thank God. Dude. man. too. I tried to soil myself and. . buddy. dude. But a flower. we have fire. I'm. man. I know. sorry. I miss you. I wanted a relationship without friction. three! Something cool! They're gone! Oh. I miss you so much. Dude. I didn't like it. fuck. Dude. this is what I've always wanted. Dude. too. man. I love you. I'm all in. Say something cool when you throw it! One. Just me and you.. And that's what we have. I love you. I got it in my mouth. ow! Oh! Shit. two. it can't grow in a fist.That's it! Grab it! Yes! No.. Me. Whoo-hoo! We did it! Dude. I feel so. Yeah.. I'm in. You know what? That's who he should be with.. you need friction to create fire. A little seed needs to fly away free and find its soil. You were like a tiny little flower seed and I was clenching you in my fist. man.

Just get it over with. I didn't expect spring break to be this stinky. You ain't lying about that. Fuck..Two.. are you all right? Shit! Why. what'd you say when you threw the grenade up there? I said. what are you doing? . What did you say? It was something cool.Jenko.What? Hey. I know. One. Man. fuck you. We started off too old for this shit. It's pretty gross. . I said. Dude. . we're getting too old for this shit..Oh. we're even about the arm thing. but what'd you say? Yeah.. something cool. something cool. man? Why am I always getting hurt around you? . All right. Fuck! Fuck! Shit! Oh. I don't want you to hit the bone. all right? Don't move. my God. okay? Right? What? What do you want to do? Don't move. No. three. Just graze my arm.

What? Do svidanya. That's schmidt. Old family recipe. he just got some new glasses. Yeah. Vodka soda. you two. but I'm gonna let that be the past. Cap. You two sons of bitches are going to culinary school. No one's . for your next mission. man. foreign exchange students.. Congratulations. Stop dicking around. Hey. There's a microchip in this empanada. What? This time. man. shit! New assignment. man. You managed to un-fuck up the situation you originally fucked up. you two sons of bitches are going to medical school. I wish you can un-fuck my daughter. does schmidt look any different to you? No. I don't know what you're talking about. God damn. Next assignment. cap. Oh. Now. Best to keep it a secret. A semester at sea. Thanks. He look exactly the same to me. Yes! In Russia. Awesome.. I got new glasses.Fuck you. schmidt.

What are you talking about? What contract dispute? I've been here the whole time. You're jump street. Six hours of makeup? We're getting too old . Scuba class. Yes. It's jenko. shut the fuck up. How the fuck do you know that? I'm booker. It's inking in my mouth! Don't fuck my daughter. Finally something I'm amazing at. schmidt. Dance academy. Traffic school! Military school. Jenkins. I'm really. Jump street style. Oh. Just like we always do. Let's do this.gonna fucking notice. new assignment. You sons of bitches is gonna be in a video game. Yeah. shit. Man. How about a flight academy? Undercover just got a whole lot sexier. Man. Sorry. Let's blow shit up. you're a legend. really glad you're back. schmidt. Get ready for a lifetime of being badass motherfuckers. All right. right? Yeah.

are you awake? No. Something cool! Eric. Nice. Eric. I'm late. .for this shit.