Intro Amid the global turmoil of the early 21st Century, with the Nations of the World ravaged by War, Famine, Terror and Slump, millions of small personal stories played themselves out to an audience of one. These we are happy to forget. But let us now begin to remember the strange tale of one Dozee Raasclaat, Poet Laureate of England, just as we have always remembered the apple of Haroldʼs eye, the arrow falling from the tree, and the wart on Jenkinsʼ ear. A culture of drug, alcohol and burger abuse, combined with the softening of the brain synapses from prolonged exposure to pap, had created a huge surge in dementia. We began to be old much younger; so much so, they say, that forty was the new eighty. Care Homes were in crisis. They could not cope with the inﬂux of the new geriatrics, nor with their lifestyle. For this generation of wrinklies had been raised on MDMA, Hip Hop and Vodka Red Bulls, and had little interest in Jigsaw Puzzles, Val Doonican or Horlicks. Enter Dozee Raasclaat. In an inspired stroke of the turntable, this gifted poet transformed the frenetic hustle of Grime into something sexy and beautiful; a new beat for a new time. He called his music Dubcrip. yeah man, slow it down slow it down know what Iʼm sayinʼ know what Iʼm sayinʼ Narrow-minded critics and prudes attacked him; he had enemies among the Establishment. But none could stand against the wave of love that ﬂowed towards Dozee Raasclaat, as he worked tirelessly to bring the rhythms of Dubcrip to every Old Peoples Home in the country. Soon the man they called the Jolly Rapper was made Poet Laureate. As quickly as he rose, he also fell. Here is how it happened, in his own words….
letʼs slow it down, man letʼs slow it down know what Iʼm sayinʼ know what Iʼm sayinʼ
Know what Iʼm sayinʼ, know what Iʼm sayinʼ My operation is hip My name is Dozee Raasclaat My music is Dubcrip Theyʼre wigginʼ it and digginʼit Where the Jolly Rapper roam Cos itʼs slimy and itʼs grimy Like a Old Peoples Home Me cyaan believe they ʻcuse me Oʼ corrup wrinklies wid me rhyme Itʼs their last bit oʼ sex anʼ violence Before they run out of time I am the Poet Laureate Soon I should be knighted Me cyaan believe that Englanʼ Wan let me be extradited Judges call me evil And traitor to the Crown Itʼs because the lady love Dubcrip Thatʼs why they wanʼ bring me down They donʼ like me rappinʼ It goes against their grain They donʼ like sexy music I know you know what Iʼm sayinʼ Know what Iʼm sayinʼ, know what Iʼm sayinʼ Iʼm sayinʼ my operation is hip Iʼm saying my name is Dozee Raasclaat Iʼm saying my music is Dubcrip, Dubcrip, Dubcrip All them TV people Donʼ know what theyʼre talking ʻbout This is how it happen Straight from the donkeyʼs mouth The Acropolis nightclub Wanʼ me for a guest To play my Dubcrip music They know I am the best So Iʼm chillinʼ and swillinʼ With a cold beer and sarnie The sun is very hot Anʼ I fancy some punani
An Iʼm chattinʼ wid a lady Who wanʼ see me decks Anʼ I offer her some Es In return for oral sex Den her bruvver come at me Give me grief for a full minute He cuss me mum and sister So I cut his head off, innit? I excape the club security Like fallinʼ off a log But before I leave the country I rape the ladyʼs dog Payback for her family For lack of politesse Thatʼs why I done the poodle Anʼ left the bruvver in a mess But this poodle was a mongrel Anʼ a slapper on the sly She would drop her panties In the blinkinʼ of an eye An ʻshe goes blinkinʼ anʼ droppinʼ, droppinʼ anʼ blinkinʼ Over and over again Now poodles donʼ have panties But I know you know what Iʼm sayinʼ Know what Iʼm sayinʼ, know what Iʼm sayinʼ Iʼm sayinʼ my operation is hip Iʼm saying my name is Dozee Raasclaat Iʼm saying my music is Dubcrip, Dubcrip, Dubcrip Because oʼ my drug history I ʻave a bad case oʼ HIV Anʼ so do all the dogs in Greece All because oʼ me Now this little nugget here I ʻave it from a vet A junkie dog owner Share a needle wid his pet Anʼ soon in short order time His Aids become full blown His Brain Box ʻave ﬂown open His brain cell all ʻave ﬂown
Anʼ this man go crackers When anʼ where he wanʼ But he was a manager Of a Nuclear Plant Anʼ because oʼ all the virus He get from the poodle bitch The man become confuse Wid the button anʼ the switch That was one big explosion Blew Athens into space Now God and Mister Plato Are talkinʼ face to face Nuclear conﬂagration Is not insured by Lloyds Anʼ all them lickle islands Turn into asteroids Anʼ as for Mister Icarus The one the sun cremates Heʼs unexpectedly joined in ash By millions of his mates Me Iʼm back in Blighty now Me Auntieʼs on the phone She say ʻTurn on the telly Thereʼs a hole in the Eurozoneʼ Me legs are all atremble Itʼs exactly what I feared Me turn on the telly Anʼ Greece ʻave disappeared Rap rap rap at the front door The pigs wid their morninʼ knock Babylon arrest me Put me under key and lock But me laughinʼ in the courtroom When they call me the next day For the Greek legal system Is in the Milky Way Thereʼs no way they can get me Thereʼs no-one to complain I dispose of all the victims I know you know what Iʼm sayinʼ
Know what Iʼm sayinʼ, know what Iʼm sayinʼ Iʼm sayinʼ my operation is hip Iʼm saying my name is Dozee Raasclaat Iʼm saying my music is Dubcrip, Dubcrip, Dubcrip But by some European pokery They jigger me right through International Tribunal Or some such motley crew Anʼ even though I ʻpologise For the junkie and his pet Anʼ though they owe me big time For clearing the Greek debt Anʼ even spite I change my plea To musical insanity The court ʻave found me guilty Oʼ crime against Humanity Anʼ now they extradite me Iʼm sayinʼ Toodle Pip Me gwaan away a lang lang time All because the lady love Dubcrip Anyone like sexy music Get ready for some pain The state will victimise you I know you know what Iʼm sayinʼ Know what Iʼm sayinʼ, know what Iʼm sayinʼ Iʼm sayinʼ my operation is hip Iʼm saying my name is Dozee Raasclaat Iʼm saying my music is Dubcrip, Dubcrip, Dubcrip Know what Iʼm sayinʼ, know what Iʼm sayinʼ Iʼm sayinʼ my operation is hip Iʼm saying my name is Dozee Raasclaat Iʼm saying my music is Dubcrip, Dubcrip, Dubcrip
Outro And so we said goodbye to the Jolly Rapper, the man who gave a whole new generation of geriatrics a whole new beat. As the remains of Greece ﬁnally drifted back to Earth, pieces were collected, collated and reassembled, this time in the form of a gigantic prison island, the ﬁrst of the Jumbo Jails with which we are now so familiar. Fittingly, Dozee Raasclaat was the ﬁrst, and for many years, the only inmate. But early onset dementia swept through Europe, and gangs of senile pensioners for a while took control of the shops and shires. Eventually military rule restored order, and Platoville (as it came to be known) became the designated home for the hordes of feral fogies made prisoner in the brutal crackdown. Global warming cheered everyone up, and in this new relaxed atmosphere, Dozee Raasclaat was appointed Head of Music and Rhyme in the Prison City of Platoville. He spent his last years as happily as his ﬁrst, once again bringing jolly sexy music to the oldtimers of Europe. “... Know what Iʼm sayinʼ, know what Iʼm sayinʼ Iʼm sayinʼ my operation is hip Iʼm saying my name is Dozee Raasclaat Iʼm saying my music is Dubcrip, Dubcrip, Dubcrip….”