The Inspired Life

THE
I NSPIRED
L IFE
How Connection and Contribution

Create Power, Passion, and Joy
PRAISE FOR
The Inspired Life: How Connection and

Contribution Create Power, Passion, and Joy
Siegel has the rare talent of drawing upon head and heart to move
us forward. I found his beautifully crafted book The Inspired Life:
How Connection and Contribution Create Power, Passion, and Joy a true
inspiration. The book comes alive through stories, practical exercises (that work!), and personal truths.
Jennifer B. Kahnweiler, PhD, author of
The Introverted Leader: Building on Your Quiet Strength
... a solid roadmap for leading ones best life. Siegel has collected
and digested some of the greatest wisdom of the day from leaders in
psychology, personal development, and enlightenment fields. This
book serves as a solid launching pad for readers who want to
educate themselves on their personal journey to a purposeful and
intentional life. Siegel serves as Sherpa to his audience, lending
them his keen ability to synthesize content and present it in an
accessible manner. By sharing his own journey with honesty and
candor, he provides a great gift to his readers.
Lewis Perkins
Women Are Saving the World Now
WSWnow.com
Big-hearted and bold. In this wise book, Randy Siegel poses great
questions that are meaningful to each of us. Better, he helps us
answer them and shows us a path to living the best life possible.
Harvey McKinnon, coauthor of
The Power of Giving: How Giving Enriches Us All
Randy Siegel coaches us in a way that is moving, personal, and challenging as he leads us step by step into transformation and new life.
Bud Harris, PhD, Jungian analyst and author of
Sacred Selfishness: A Guide to Living a Life of Substance
The Inspired Life:

How Connection and Contribution Create Power, Passion, and Joy
Copyright 2010 by Randy Siegel, Asheville, North Carolina, USA

No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any means,
electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording or otherwise,
except for brief quotations embodied in articles and reviews,
without prior written permission of the author.
All rights reserved.
Editor: Susan Snowden, Snowden Editorial Services

Design: Tomas Grignon
Cover image: Photodisc/Getty Images
Wyngate Publishing
Printed in the United States of America
ISBN 978-0-9814633-6-0
Dedication
This book is dedicated to Andrew Glasgow. When I first saw the
movie The Matrix, the concept of parallel universes intrigued me.
Could it be possible that while we are living our lives here, others are
living theirs in a time and space different from our own?
Andrew is sick. Actually, he is dying. His illness is showing me
that the concept of parallel universes is not as far-fetched as I had
once thought. All of Andrews family and friends (and there are
many) have experienced his disease differently, in our own parallel
universes. For me, Andrews illness has become a poignant reminder
of the importance of focusing on whats really important in life.
Andrew, this book is dedicated to you. You are my friend, you are
my brother, and you are my muse.
Contents
Introduction: From Transition to Transformation
A Premise and a Promise
Helping People Stand in Their Power
What Well Cover
How to Use This Book
1
2
2
3
4
Part I: Epiphany
Chapter 1: Two Cs That Can Change Your Life
Andrews Legacy
Which Wolf Will You Feed?
Uninvited Guests
The Great Values Shift
Why Now?
What Some Folks Are Saying About the Shift
9
9
10
12
14
16
17
Part II: The First C: Connection

Chapter 2: Connect to Self Through Self-Awareness
Tools for Self-Awareness
Dreams
Signs and Symbols
Shadow
Projection
Core Values
Needs
Feelings
The Witness Observer
Journaling
Who Am I?
Review
23
24
25
26
28
29
30
32
34
34
36
39
41
Chapter 3: Connect to Self Through Self-Acceptance

Practice, Not Perfection
Three Strategies for Self-Acceptance
Manage Your Inner Critic; Shatter Limiting Beliefs
Focus on the Positive
Be Good to Yourself
Review
43
44
45
46
51
56
61
Chapter 4: Connect to Self Through Authentic Action

Self-Disclosure Is an Authentic Action
How Much Should You Self-Disclose?
Speak Your Truth
Meet Your Needs
The Need for Work-Life Balance
The Need for a Creative Outlet
Take Control of Your Life
Review
63
66
67
68
69
70
74
75
78
Chapter 5: Connect to Others

Connection: The New Currency
Fears That Keep Us from Connecting
Give People a Second Chance
Four Tools for Connecting to Others
See the Best in People
Focus on the Other
Practice Empathy
Be Present
The Great Universal Truth: All One
Review
81
81
82
83
84
84
85
87
88
90
92
Chapter 6: Connect to Your Higher Power

Another Form of Intelligence
The Benefits of Spiritual Intelligence
93
94
95
Three Steps for Developing Spiritual Intelligence

Define Your Spiritual Outlook
Fuel Your Faith
Practice Your Faith
Review
96
96
100
103
108
Part III: The Second C: Contribution

Chapter 7: Discover Your Lifes Purpose
Four Paths to Purpose
Listen
Act
Remain Open
Be Patient
Five Components of Purpose
Authenticity
Service
Passion
Skills
Wounding
Write Your Purpose Statement
One Last Exercise
A Litmus Test for Purpose
Your Inner Purpose
Contribution and The New Economy
Review
111
112
113
113
113
115
116
116
117
117
118
119
120
121
122
122
124
126
Part IV: Good, Better, or Great?

Chapter 8: Four Power Chargers
Be Present
Intend Love
129
130
130
Intentions Influence Outcomes

The Strongest Intention Always Wins Out
Emotions Reflect Intentions
Be Authentic
Practice Gratitude
Review
131
133
133
134
137
141
Part V: Putting the Two Cs to Work

Chapter 9: Living the Answer
Commitment
Specificity
Your Best Self, Best Life Action Plan
Continuity
Accountability
Immediacy
A Final Plea and a Fond Farewell
147
148
149
150
152
152
153
153
Bibliography
155
About Randy Siegel
159
INTRODUCTION
From Transition to Transformation

It was a lazy Saturday afternoon when my work line rang. You
know I wouldnt call on Saturday unless it was an emergency, a
business acquaintance began. But my godson is in crisis. He needs
your help.
His godson was a well-known physician with a thriving practice
in a historic Southern town. He appeared to have it all: money, prestige, and power. A beautiful wife and children. A home that could
have leaped off the pages of Southern Accents magazine. Yet he was
miserable and doubting every aspect of his life. His work seemed
devoid of meaning, and life felt devoid of joy.
Youve come to the right place, I replied. Working with people
in transition is a specialty of mine. Clients come to me when theyve
reached a point in their lives where they:
Desire more meaning in their work and life.
Feel a sense of urgency to live life more fully.
Need to find more balance in their life.
Yearn for deeper, more intimate connections with others.
Disconnect from a career and lifestyle that may have

provided happiness for many years.
Seek a life that better reflects their core values, interests,

skills, experience, and strengths.
Does this sound familiar? If so, youre in the right place. Ive
written this book for you.
THE INSPIRED LIFE
A Premise and a Promise

Of all the questions you will answer in life, none is more important
than these two: How can you become your best self? and How can
you live your best life? Your very happiness and the secret for living
a full life lie in the answers. This book will provide those answers;
live those answers and youll transform your life.
Who you become, and the life you live, are shaped by what you
focus on, and what you focus on is determined by the things that
hold the most value to you. By focusing on two valuesconnecting
and contributingyou will stand in your power; you will be your
best self and live your best life.
Helping People Stand in Their Power

I have been helping people stand in their power by becoming the full
expression of all they are since 1999 when I became a life trainer,
coach, and writerfocusing especially on leadership and communications.
Standing in your power is allowing yourself to be yourself. It
entails peeling back layers of tribal conditioning to discover your
authentic self. When you stand in your power, you are your best self
and you live your best life. You:
Display confidence, competence, and conviction.
Live life with power, passion, and purpose.
Forge stronger and deeper relationships with yourself,

others, and your higher power or purpose.
Love yourself, your work, and your life.
Much of my earlier work was based on my workshop and book

Engineer Your Career. In them, I offer participants and readers a series
2
INTRODUCTION
of exercises so that they can create their Best Self Blueprint, a

summary designed to help them package, present, and promote
themselves with authenticity, vision, conviction, competency, clarity, and caringhallmarks of all great communicators and leaders.
While packaging, presenting, and promoting yourself is paramount to becoming a stronger communicator and leader, it alone
will not ensure that you become your best self and live your best life.
Like a pair of bookends, Engineer Your Career and The Inspired Life
offer readers practical advice on how to navigate the ages and stages
of adulthood from age twenty to sixty-five and beyond, whether
your focus is on your career, your personal life, or both.
What Well Cover

The best answers in life are often the simplest. As humans we tend
to overthink and overcomplicate most things. As you learned earlier,
when you closely examine what matters most in life, two words,
both beginning with the letter c, emerge. They are connection and
contribution, and when you focus on connection and contribution
you become your best self and live your best life.
In Part I, youll learn about the two Cs, and in Part II, youll
learn that connection is threefold: connection to self, connection to
others, and connection to your higher power or purpose.
Youll discover that connecting to self is a lifelong journey and
that getting in touch with signs and symbols, the shadow, core
values, needs and feelings, and your witness observer can help you
identify and claim your authentic self.
Introvert or extrovert, we are all happier when we are in community and internalize the eternal truth: We are all one. Youll learn
several strategies for removing the barriers that connect us to one
another.
3
THE INSPIRED LIFE
Whether we call it God, an ideal, or something else, all of us

want to believe in something bigger than ourselves. Youll learn that
connecting to your higher power or purpose is crucial if you are
going to live a life of meaning. In the final chapter of Part II, youll
identify your personal theology. Well also discuss how you can
strengthen your connection to your higher power and then put that
connection to work to make the world a better place.
All of us want to live a life that matters. In Part III, well focus on
the second c, contribution. Youll learn four paths to and five
components of purpose. Additionally, well discuss a strategy for
succeeding in The New Economy.
Finally in Part IV, youll learn four principles that will supercharge your power to connect and contribute. They are: becoming
present, intentional, authentic, and grateful.
Throughout the book, I offer a smorgasbord of suggestions on
how to align your life with the principles of connection and contribution. At the end of each chapter, youll inventory any ahas you
might have, and in the final section, Part V, youll create a brief
action plan to put these principles to work in your life so that you
can begin living the life you were meant to live.
How to Use This Book

I may not know you personally, but I suspect you are much like me:
you feel theres more to life than youre experiencing; you sense
theres more to you than you express. I am not a guru; I am a seeker
just like you. I dont have all the answers, but I have spent a lot of
time studying the questions, and along the way Ive discovered some
strategies that will help you grow into your best self and live your
best life.
The journey to bring connection and contribution into your life
4
INTRODUCTION
is a personal one. In this book, I will share aspects of my own and

others journeys. Take what resonates with you and discard the rest.
How much you benefit from this book is up to you. The process
can be an active or passive one. By simply reading the book, youll
pick up its principles and perhaps several key points will find their
mark. A second option is to fully engage in the process by stopping
and answering each question as it arises. Each question and exercise
has been designed to integrate these principles into your life.
Commit the answers to paper. Ive found that when clients take
the time to write out the answers, rather than answering them in
their heads, they are more likely to find clarity and achieve greater
results.
Whichever approach you take, know that I am with you in spirit.
Youre embarking on an exciting journey, and I am honored to
accompany you.
PA R T I
E PIPHANY
THE INSPIRED LIFE
Nothing gets my juices flowing faster than a good aha! Every now
and then, life delivers an aha that transforms your life. I call these
epiphanies. Epiphanies are those flashes of insight when the last
piece of the puzzle falls neatly into place allowing you to see the
entire picture.
In the next chapter, Ill share the story of a sick friend whose life
became an epiphany for me. His name is Andrew, and through his
life youll discover how to be your best self and live your best life.
Youll also learn about the uninvited guest and the special gift
he has just for you.
CHAPTER 1
Two Cs That Can

Change Your Life
I W A S O V E R F O R T Y when I started seriously thinking about
death. I always thought Id die young. My dad died in his fifties, and
my mother and brother died in their sixties. I come from a family of
short-livers.
One of my best friends, Roy, and I were talking about death one
day and he said, When someone we know dies the world should
stop, if only for a moment. Instead, we go on with our daily routines
as if the person never existed. Roys observation frightened me.
I cant think of anything sadder than living life and not leaving a
legacy.
Andrews Legacy
Swiss-born psychiatrist Elisabeth Kbler-Ross, one of the worlds
foremost experts on death and dying, concluded after interviewing
thousands of dying people that legacies arent built on trophies,
dollars, or accolades received, but on the good one has done, the
9
THE INSPIRED LIFE
relationships one has cultivated, and the love one has shared.
One of my dearest friends has cancer, and the prognosis isnt a
positive one. I asked Andrew one day if hed be ready when his time
came.
Andrew didnt hesitate; he answered yes. He explained that hed
had a full life despite his young age. He was proud of what hed
accomplished, and most importantly he was proud of the wonderful, rich friendships hed made along the way.
If you saw the numerous photos and awards in Andrews office,
youd know that Andrew enjoyed a rich and rewarding career in the
arts, but thats not what hes most proud of. Andrew lights up when
he talks about his friends. Andrew has curated a loyal, interesting,
and eclectic collection of friends throughout the world.
They love Andrew, and Andrew loves them. When Andrew first
got sick he was living in New York. His friends volunteered to travel
to Manhattan and take care of him weekly, for more than six
months.
Andrew loves sharing his friends. He is always connecting one
person to another. Attend one of Andrews many parties and youre
guaranteed to make a new friend or business acquaintance. Andrew
will tell you: making connections is his lifes purpose.
Andrew is living the inspired life by focusing on what matters
mostconnection and contribution.
Which Wolf Will You Feed?

Who you become and the life you live are shaped by what you focus
on, and what you focus on is determined by the things that hold the
most value to you. Change your values, and youll change your life.
Theres a wonderful Native American story that illustrates this point.
10
TWO CS THAT CAN CHANGE YOUR LIFE
An elderly grandfather is teaching his grandchildren about life.

He explains that theres a terrible fight going on inside of each of us,
and its between two wolves.
One wolf represents one set of values; the second wolf, another set
of values.
Which wolf will win? asks one precocious child.
The old Cherokee is silent a moment, before replying: The one
you feed.
Values are like stars. The ones you choose as guides will lead you
to your destiny. The stars we choose often depend on what stage of
life we are in. During the first half of life, we may focus on establishing our place in the world. We:
Build our careers
Find a life partner and have children
Seek to fulfill our parents and societys expectations

for our lives
Then we reach a point where we find ourselves asking the question in that old Peggy Lee song: Is that all there is? Its then that
we swap stars, trading a biological and social agenda for one more
concerned with psychological and spiritual issues. We shift our
focus from the outer to the inner world.
Recent research doesnt associate this transition with any particular age. Anecdotal research concurs. In my practice, Im seeing
more and more men and women in their twenties and thirties experiencing this shift in values.
Whether age twenty-six or fifty-four, something usually happens
to trigger an awakening, and in most cases these events are unin-
11
THE INSPIRED LIFE
vited. For this reason, I call them uninvited guests. In one of my

favorite movies, American Beauty, an uninvited guest, a job loss, spurs
Kevin Spaceys character Lester Burnham to reexamine his life.
Lester says, I feel like Ive been in a coma for the past twenty
years. And Im just now waking up.
Uninvited Guests
When the uninvited guest arrives at our door, he carries with him a
special gift just for us. When we dont come to the door the first
time, it's no problem, the uninvited guest returns. He returns again
and again, and each time we refuse to answer his call he gets more
aggressive, until finally hes had enough. He drives his car right
through our living room. I remember the day he drove through mine.
It was a Saturday. My wife stared at me blankly, her face void of
emotion, my words too horrific to absorb. I had just told her I was
gay and was leaving. With seven words, fourteen years of marriage
and thirty-nine years of lying to myself ended.
I was no longer a mainstream married man. Instead, I was a
queer, a fag, a homo. I feared I would lose my family, friends, and
future. I feared for my wife.
In many ways our marriage was a good one. We enjoyed each
others company, shared similar interests, and forged a partnership
most businesses would envy. Most thought we had the perfect
marriage.
Our marriage was far from perfect, however. While we were
sexual on occasion, we were never intimate. One cannot speak from
the soul wearing a mask.
At age thirty-eight, cracks began to form on the walls protecting
my life. I blamed work for my unhappiness, thinking my job was no
longer fulfilling.
12
I secured the names of two counselors, an industrial psychologist and a psychiatrist. I went to both. The psychiatrist was more
perceptive, suggesting I was searching for something more than a
new career. Before I knew it, I had told him I was gay. By admitting it
to someone else, I admitted it to myself. The first step of coming out
was coming out to myself.
He assured me my wife and I would survive. With the right
support I could come out, and we would be fine.
I went to him a few more times, but the chemistry didnt feel
right. A friend recommended another therapist. But shes tough,
my friend warned.
As I shared my story with the new therapist, I emphasized I had
been faithful. I wanted her to know I was a good person. Integrity
was important to me.
Dont you see? Youre living a lie, she responded.
Her words were a boil on my soul waiting to be lanced. I was
tired of lies.
Within several weeks, I was ready to face the storm. No sooner
had my wife and I returned from a Memorial Day trip than I blurted
it out. I came out to my wife. Stripped of all pretenses, we felt naked
and exposed. Raw and vulnerable, we shared intimacy for the first
time.
Within a month, we were separated, and I was alone. As ugly as
this time was, I now can see its beauty. I now know love overpowers
fear. Truth triumphs over guilt.
I had been focusing on my parents values; I was living their lives.
I had a successful career, a beautiful wife who loved me, and all the
material things that come from success, yet I was miserable. None of
these things fulfilled me for they didnt reflect my most authentic
self.
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THE INSPIRED LIFE
My story is about coming out, but uninvited guests take many

disguises. Illness, divorce, death, estrangement, a job loss, extreme
restlessness, or something more positive like a promotion, birth, or
miraculous healing can initiate this shift.
My friend Bill Petz knows this all too well; he has Parkinsons
disease. Recently, he wrote a beautiful piece for his church that he
appropriately titled Uninvited Guest.
He wrote:
Ive chosen to see my Parkinsons disease as just that, an invited
guest in my body and in my life. Given that perspective, I feel that
I am bound by the ancient code of hospitality that dictates that I
must welcome the stranger, be a good host, and provide for the guest.
The guest, in turn, is bound not to abuse the welcome offered by the
host. Such welcoming creates understanding, mutual benefit, and
compassion.
Bill believes that we are called to become the person we were
born to be, and that means accepting whatever comes along in life.
The good and the bad. Bill says Parkinsons disease has taught him a
lot. He is grateful for each day, and he has never been more focused
on what really matters in life.
Look around and youll see uninvited guests ringing lots of
doorbells. Perhaps one is at your door. The Great Values Shift is
taking place, and its calling us to pay attention and stay alert.
The Great Values Shift

You may be feeling unsettled, but you may not be sure why. You
arent alone. We are all sensing that a change is taking place, and
change makes us uneasy. This unsettled feeling is mostly unconscious; few of us are able to articulate it. Yet it is very real.
14
Its been called many names, including post-materialism, the

fourth great awakening, and the Age of Aquarius. I call it The
Great Values Shift. During The Great Values Shift the world is calling us to define our priorities and shift our values from materialism
to meaning.
We are beginning to question a lot of things, including our definition of success and how to become successful. And many of us are
concluding that success doesnt equal happiness; happiness equals
success.
Most of us define success by externals, such as money, power,
and prestige, but that definition doesnt bring the peace and happiness we so desperately seek. In the U.S. alone more than 10 percent
of the population (over 30 million people), rich by world standards,
are on antidepressants and antianxiety drugs. And more than 56
million Americans are using sleep-aid drugs, according to an article
by Denise Gellene in the Los Angeles Times.
We can define success another wayby internals, or simply
loving what we do. Albert Schweitzer once wrote, If you love what
you are doing, you will be successful.
During The Great Values Shift more and more people will shift
to an internal way of measuring success. Its already happening.
Some call this shift the love to work movement.
A wise advisor recently suggested, We should totally erase the
word success from our vocabulary and replace it with the word
fulfillment. Fulfillment is really what were after, because fulfillment brings happiness. Makes perfect sense to me. I know a lot of
people who are successful but not happy, but everyone I know
who is fulfilled is living a happy life.
Values shifts have occurred throughout history. When these
shifts occur, a social issue often gives birth to a movement. For
15
THE INSPIRED LIFE
example, weve seen womens rights and environmental awareness

give birth to movements that impact how we see ourselves and how
we live our lives.
Dont look to the mainstream press for information; you wont
find muchyet. But know that the issue is bubbling and boiling
under the surface; its just a matter of time before it flowsrather
than seepsinto our everyday consciousness.
Why Now?
While many factors contribute to this shift, two seem particularly
relevant. First, the economy has forced many people to reevaluate
their priorities. Job lossor in the case of young people, the inability
to find jobsdeclining investments, and devastating debt are challenging many of us to reexamine our definition of success.
Second, each generationfor different reasonsis questioning
the work ethic in this country. The countrys eighty-five million
baby boomers are aging. In the second half of their lives, they are
becoming hyperaware of their mortality and are becoming more
introspective. Many are seeking increased meaning in their work
and lives.
The forty-four to fifty million Americans born between 1965
and 1980, who make up Generation X, generally disdain authority
and structured work hours, and are seeking work-life balance. This
generation works to live rather than lives to work.
Finally, the seventy-six million members of Generation Y feel
that the line between work and home is nonexistent. These twentysomethings want to spend their time in meaningful and useful
ways, no matter where they are. For example, more than half of
workers in their twenties prefer employment at companies that
provide volunteer opportunities, according to a Deloitte survey.
16
Generation Y is right: the boundaries between work and home

are breaking down. Technology has connected us to the office 24/7,
and the economy is demanding more from us. We are tired, and
many of us are beginning to question the values we once based our
lives upon.
What Some Folks Are Saying About the Shift

I believe a values shift is taking place, a friend recently shared, but
its happening one person at a time.
Oh, I think its impacting everyone, another friend argued.
Its just that some people are more conscious of it than others.
Another friend piped in, I think this shift is more of a wish than
a truth. He had a good point.
Whether you see The Great Values Shift as a truth or a wish
really doesnt matter. Either way, its an opportunity. By shifting our
values from materialism to meaning and redefining our beliefs
about success, we will find more power, passion, and purpose in our
lives.
Talk to those around you and youll find that many are waking
up to the realization that at the end of our days, it wont be the
number of cars we have in the carport that defines our lives, but the
people we have loved, and who have loved us. Well feel good about
our lives because we know weve been of service, and well feel proud
of how weve lived.
17
II
PA R T I I
T HE F IRST C :
C ONNECTION
THE INSPIRED LIFE
As you learned earlier, connection and contribution are crucial

if youre going to become your best self and live your best life. In
Part II, well explore connection; specifically, well take a closer look at:
Connection to Self
Connection to Others
Connection to Your Higher Power
Connect to Self
Jim Henry, author of The Privilege of a Lifetime, says there are three
dimensions of living in our truth: awareness, acceptance, and action.
Put another way, there are three ways to connect with self:
1. Self-Awareness
2. Self-Acceptance
3. Authentic Action
Of all the journeys in life few are more important than the journey to discover, accept, share, and act upon our authentic selves.
How we connect to self determines in large part how we connect
with others and even to our higher power and purpose. In the next
three chapters, well learn to connect to self through self-awareness,
self-acceptance, and authentic action.
Connect to Others
Ubuntu is an idea present in African spirituality that says,
I am because we are.
In Chapter 5 well review connecting to others. Youll learn
about fears that keep us from connecting, connection breakers, and
20
PART II: THE FIRST C: CONNECTION
tools for forging stronger connections to others. Finally, well

explore an eternal truth: We are all one.
Connect to Your Higher Power

The final chapter of this section concerns connecting to your higher
power or purpose. Deep down, most of us want to believe in something larger than ourselves, whether its religion, values, philosophy,
or a practice, such as a twelve-step program. In this chapter, Ill
discuss the concept of spiritual intelligence and three steps to
develop yours: 1) define your spiritual outlook; 2) fuel your faith;
and 3) practice your faith.
21
CHAPTER 2
Connect to Self
Through Self-Awareness
L I F E R A R E L Y offers do-overs, but what if it did? Author and
counselor Richard Leider asked more than a thousand retirees who

had been successful in their jobs what theyd do differently if they
could live their lives again. They said:
Take time to be more reflective.
Take more risks.
Do what it takes to give me fulfillment.
If youre like many of my clients you may be thinking: Introspection? Who has time for introspection? Its all I can do to keep
the train on the track and the ox out of the ditch. But introspection
is necessary if you are going to become your best self and live a rich
and meaningful life.
When you take time to reflect upon your values, life, and work
whether through meditation, journaling, working with a coach or
therapist, or simply talking to a friendyou begin to identify whats
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THE INSPIRED LIFE
really important to you. You gain insight, and this insight inspires
you to align your life and work with your essence, or that which
brings you joy, meaning, and serenity.
This insight inspires you to make informed choices that
empower you to take control of your life, rather than be controlled
by the invisible strings of your unconscious. With each inspired
choice, you become more closely aligned with your authentic self.
And when you align your interior and exterior worlds, you are your
most powerful.
Tools for Self-Awareness

Self-awareness takes work. Fortunately, there is a wide range of tools
to assist you. Therapy and coaching are two, and they are quite
different. Therapy heals the past while coaching designs the future,
and the two often make an excellent team in the search for self.
Spending time alone, meditating, being in nature, writing in a
journal, drawing, and listening to our bodies and emotions are additional ways to get in touch with our inner lives. Another is to look
closely at our day- and night-time dreams, as the subconscious seeks
to guide and heal us in our dreams.
Other methods of self-discovery include asking a cross section
of family, friends, clients, and coworkers for feedback, and personality and psychological testing including Myers-Briggs, the Birkman
Method, and one of my personal favorites, the Enneagram.
Relationships are another excellent means for learning more
about ourselves. In relationships, our undeveloped parts are often
mirrored back to us. We are often drawn to people who display some
characteristics we would like to possess. And we are usually turned
off by those who exhibit characteristics we perceive as negative and
have sent off to our unconscious.
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CONNECT TO SELF THROUGH SELF -AWARENESS
But of all the tools available for self-awareness, none is stronger

than staying alert and attuned to your life. Life is constantly reflecting back information about your authentic self. Elizabeth Lesser
writes in Broken Open: How Difficult Times Can Help Us Grow, If we can
stay awake when our lives are changing, secrets will be revealed to
ussecrets about ourselves, about the nature of life, and about the
eternal source of happiness and peace that is always available, always
renewable, already within us.
Dreams
Everything around us, every situation we encounter, every experience we have is filled with signs and symbols that can tell us something about our lives. Signs can help us understand relationships
and situations in our lives. They help us reflect on our inner lives
and clarify our beliefs. Signs even bring messages from the future.
Several years after my divorce, and after living in a tiny apartment in an impersonal Atlanta high-rise, I was ready to purchase a
house. After house hunting for only a few days, I found the perfect
home. I made an offer, and they accepted. The night before I closed
on my new home, I had a remarkable dream. I dreamed of sliding
down the curved banister of my house out the open front door.
Although, I knew the house was the right one, I now sensed that
I would live in it only a short time. Within two years, I made the decision to leave Atlanta for Asheville, North Carolina, and sold the
house in four days.
Often there is a knowing that occurs in conjunction with
the sign that your life is unfolding exactly as it should, that your life
is guided, and that you are perfect just as you are, writes Denise
Linn in her book The Secret Language of Signs.
Leaving behind a twenty-year career in public relations and
25
THE INSPIRED LIFE
moving from the city where I had spent most of my life was easier
than I could ever have imagined. Signs and symbols helped me
know that what I was doing was right for me.
Signs and Symbols

There is never a time when we are not surrounded by signs. Signs
appear in our lives in a myriad of forms. Some forms include:
Other People: Every person comes into our life for a
reason. Our task is to figure out why.
Conversations: From overheard conversations to casual
conversations to conversational slips, when we really listen
to what is being said around us, we receive the most remarkable messages.
Expressions: The expressions we use in our everyday
language also contain signs. For example, I often use the
expression, It goes without saying, and often I am not
saying what I really want to say.
Judgments: What we think others are thinking about us is
often a clear sign of what we are thinking about ourselves.
And sometimes when we judge the faults of others, we are
judging our own faults. Well discuss this in more detail
later in this chapter.
Synchronicities: Many times, what seem like meaningful
coincidences are not coincidences at all. Carl Jung used the
word synchronicity to describe a situation where psychic
and physical events happen concurrentlywhen mind,
matter, and spirit merge into one. Ill give you an example.
I am on my way to my art group. About fifteen of us gather a
26
couple of times a month to paint for four hours. I like to be the first
one there in order to get a good easel, and I am in a rush. I am always
in a rush.
I am about five minutes from my home, and around a bend
theres a police car. Damn! I slam on my brakes and creep past him
like a dog with its tail between its legs. I drive another fifty feet, and
suddenly he pulls out. Am I safe? No light. Just when I breathe a sigh
of relief the blue lights come on. My stomach sinks. Perhaps you
know the feeling.
I was clocked at 35 in a 20 mph zone. I was nailed: $120 fine ($10
ticket; $110 court cost).
Not two weeks later, I am driving to Washington, D.C., and fly
by a state trooper. He clocks me at 77 in a 65 mph zone. Another
ticket; this one for $110.
What happens in our outer life reflects what is going on in our
inner one. At the time, I was going through a huge period of growth.
I was in a relationship that was challenging several intimacy issues
that I have, such as abandonment and feeling I am not enough.
Instead of putting some space around these issues so that they
could sink in, I was speeding through them. To be honest, it was
painful to dredge this stuff up, and I just wanted it to go away.
I finally got the message to slow down. (But to be on the safe
side, I also bought a radar detector.)
Whenever an occurrencesuch as a strong emotion, a haunting
dream, an illness, accident, or mistakehas a lot of energy around it,
look for the message. Only you can know its meaning; dream and
symbol dictionaries are only meant to be guides.
Finding the feeling or emotion associated with a sign or symbol
often helps determine its meaning. A dear friend learned that her
daughter had an eating disorder. My first instinct was to get her
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THE INSPIRED LIFE
help, my friend shared. Not too long after she started seeing a
therapist, I discovered I, too, needed help. I wanted to examine the
extreme guilt I was feeling around my daughters illness. With a
therapists help, I came to realize my own issues around food.
In our busyness, we become more and more separated from
our inner wisdom. When we take the time to stop and listen, signs
and symbols can show us the way home.
Identifying your shadow, core values, needs, and feelings can
also be helpful in the quest for authentic self.
Shadow
Swiss psychiatrist Carl Jung said we are born whole, but as we grow
up society pressures us to push those characteristics it deems unacceptable into our personal unconscious, or shadow. Seeking more
meaning at midlife, many of us searching for those lost pieces of
ourselves begin remembering who we are.
In each of us lurks a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Carl Jung believed
one of our primary tasks at midlife is to integrate our shadow into
awareness. Shadow was Jungs term for those aspects of our
personality that we reject and repress. Shadows are often the opposite of persona, or our public face. By recognizing both, we recognize
our whole self. Who sees the other half of Self, sees Truth, wrote
Canadian author Anne Cameron.
For example, it used to work my last nerve when someone
grabbed the spotlight in order to draw attention to him or herself.
Only recently could I admit that I have the same tendency. I love the
limelight.
We have to learn to accept all aspects of ourselves, even when
they seem conflicting. Jungian analyst and author Robert A. Johnson writes, It is our lot, if we are honest, to live in duality and para-
28
dox. The dialogue of these paradoxical elements is the stuff of life.

Surprisingly, it is also the surest path toward unity.
Charlene got a big aha after attending one of my workshops
and learning about the shadow. I hate it when people are tight with
money, she said. You know, I have to admit, I think about money a
little too much.
We can be both tight and generous. We can be both thoughtful
and rude. There are times when we are organized, but sometimes we
are disorganized. One friend put it best when she described herself
as a both-and woman in an either-or world. (Wouldnt that make
a great title for a country song?)
When you shine light on your shadow you begin to reclaim your
authentic self. When we are aware of an exaggerated aspect of our
personality, such as being positive and upbeat was for me, the opposite characteristic is likely lurking in the shadow. For me, it was
pessimism.
Here are three questions to consider:
1. What are some exaggerated aspects of your personality?
2. What are their opposites?
3. Which ones could represent a portion of your shadow side?
Projection
Sometimes we project our shadows onto others. This projection is
usually experienced as a strong repulsion or attraction. One of my
clients recently complained about a coworker. Hes always promoting himself and it drives me crazy, she said. As we continued working together, it became apparent she was projecting her shadow on
her coworker. One of the areas that she needed to improve in was
promoting herself and her work.
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THE INSPIRED LIFE
Carl Jung described projection as a normal psychological

process that attributes an unacknowledged, unconscious part of
our self to another person. Projections can be negative or positive,
so, according to Jung, projections often account for our initial
attraction to or rejection of others.
One of my brothers friends was an Episcopal priest; I immediately disliked him. To me, he seemed sentimental, overly emotional,
and weak. Looking closer, I saw I had projected a repressed part of
myself onto him. I had never been one to show or share my
emotions. Seeing someone so open with his feelings struck a raw
nerve. By shining light onto my shadow, I could see more clearly.
This man offered me a chance to observe a long rejected part of
myself. I could withdraw my projection and give this man a second
chance.
Do you remember someone who immediately turned you off
when you first met him or her? What repulsed you? How about
someone whom you found very appealing? What characteristics
impressed you most? Which of these positive and negative characteristics could represent your shadow? Finally, how could you
promote, nurture, or strengthen the positive trait that describes you best?
Years ago, when I answered these questions, I selected artistic
as the positive trait that describes me best. Within months, I signed
up for a painting class at my local community college.
Core Values
If you dont stand for something, youll fall for anything, an old
country song goes. When I coach CEOs and high-potential employees on how to best package, present, and promote themselves, one of
the first exercises we do is identify their core values. Core values
such as integrity, beauty, and connectednessform our internal
30
navigation system or code for living. They represent our personal

theology; they point the way home.
One of the most effective means of understanding your true
nature is identifying your top four core values. Why four? Most
experts say its hard to keep track of any more than four core values.
Based upon personal experience and my work with clients, I agree.
Lets see if you can identify yours.
Circle the values that are very important to you on the following
list. Feel free to add any values at the bottom that describe your
beliefs that are not included on this list.
From those you circled, select the four that comprise your core
values.
Authenticity
Knowledge
Creativity
Faith
Love
Relationships
Community
Excellence
Justice
Peace
Equality
Communication
Honesty
Kindness
Generosity
Loyalty
Success
Courage
Growth
Wisdom
Integrity
Tolerance
Commitment
Fun
Spirituality
Optimism
Philanthropy
Freedom
Friendship
Empathy
Wealth
Beauty
Security
Adventure
Happiness
Health
Warmth
Good Deeds
Devotion
Connectedness
Service
Appreciation
Ethics
Family
Morality
Innovation
Control
Accuracy
Achievement
Risk
Belonging
Competition
Duty
Fame
Harmony
Independence
Power
Status
_____________
_____________
_____________
_____________
_____________
_____________
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THE INSPIRED LIFE
My four core values are:

1. ____________________________________________________
2. ____________________________________________________
3. ____________________________________________________
4. ____________________________________________________
Heres a litmus test to determine if youve identified your top four.
Gauge:
1. Value. Is your money where your mouth is? Are you
dedicating money and time to the value?
2. Consistency. Do people associate you with this value?
Or is it a stretch?
3. Energy. Do you experience excitement, emotion, and
energy around the value?
4. Stress. What happens when the chips are down? Do you
rely on the core value when you are under stress?
Identifying your core values is critical to knowing yourself;
identifying your needs is critical to connecting with yourself.
Needs
In his groundbreaking work on nonviolent (compassionate)
communications Marshall B. Rosenberg teaches that behind every
word and action is a need. When we are aware of our needs, and
those of others, we increase our ability to connect.
In our society many of us, especially women, have come to
believe its selfish to have needs. Of course, nothing could be further
32
from the truth. Because of this false belief, our needs vocabulary
may be undeveloped. Here is a partial list of possible needs.
Acceptance
Affection
Authenticity
Autonomy
Balance
Belonging
Clarity
Closeness
Communication Companionship Compassion
Competence
Consideration
Consistency
Cooperation
Empathy
Exercise
Harmony
Inclusion
Integrity
Intimacy
Love
Mutuality
Nurturing
Order
Respect
Safety
Serenity
Stability
Touch
Trust
Truth
Warmth
Understand / Be Understood
Rosenberg writes that at the heart of any negative emotion is a

need that is not being met. I have heard this said another way, An
unmet need results in resentment.
Compassionate communications entails identifying and meeting needs rather than blaming and punishing someone. Instead of
thinking, I am angry because they. we retrain ourselves to think,
I am angry because I am needing.
This was a huge aha for me. When I remember it, Im able to
take responsibility for my happiness. A while back, the guy I was
dating and I had a fight. I blew up about something quite trivial. To
be honest, I dont even remember what it was. He pushed back, and
an argument ensued. We both stormed off. After some reflection, I
was able to apologize and clearly state what I really needed. We had
a calm discussion, and both of us felt heard.
A friend was upset with a coworker: Shes so rude. She always
shows up when Im on a personal call and then hangs around until I
hang up. My friend needed privacy. When she was able to commu33
THE INSPIRED LIFE
nicate her need to her coworker, the issue was resolved and their
relationship was restored.
Feelings
If you want to be self-aware, you must be able to identify your feelings. Some people, like my friend Ruth, are excellent at this. They are
highly attuned to their own and others emotions. Others, including
me, arent. Many times, Im not sure what I am feeling. If pressed to
identify an emotion, I freeze.
A friend once suggested keeping it simple: focus on the primary
emotion, the emotion that is our first response to a situation. Ask
yourself if youre feeling afraid, mad, sad, or glad. I liked this advice.
Even I can decide between four choices.
The Witness Observer

One of the strongest tools in our self-awareness toolbox is the
witness observer. The witness observer is that small part of you that
doesnt identify with what is going on in the world; he or she simply
observes. Heres an exercise that illustrates this concept. Its adapted
from Roberto Assagiolis disidentification process in psychosynthesis and Ken Wilbers meditations in One Taste: Daily Reflections on
Integral Spirituality.
Get into a comfortable position, either sitting or lying down.
Take a few deep, centering breaths and invite your body to relax.
Close your eyes; it will help you focus your attention. Feel the air
moving in and out of your lungs as you breathe. Become aware of
your body, its position, how your limbs feel, and where you are holding tension.
Say to yourself: "I have a body, but I am not my body."
Take three deep, cleansing breaths. Now focus on your emotions.
34
What feelings do you notice? Are you restless, anxious, angry, or

serene? Observe your current feelings, and then think about the
most common feelings in your life. Do not dwell on those feelings
recall and release them.
Say to yourself or out loud: I have feelings, but I am not my
feelings.
Take three deep, cleansing breaths. Move from your feelings to your
desires. Desires are those things that motivate us, such as comfort,
money, health, or others. Observe the things that motivate you, but
do not judge them. Simply call them up and notice them.
Repeat to yourself: "I have desires, but I am not my desires."
Take three deep, cleansing breaths. Now move to your thoughts. As
each thought rises to consciousness, observe it but do not dwell on it.
Then watch as the next one rises to replace it, over and over again.
Think of your thoughts as clouds. Allow each to float by.
Say silently to yourself or out loud: I have thoughts, but I am not
my thoughts.
Take three deep, cleansing breaths. Finally, become aware of that
part of you that has been observing your body, your feelings, your
desires, and your thoughts. Having detached from the basic elements
of consciousness, say to yourself: I have a body, but I am not my
body; I have feelings, but I am not my feelings; I have desires, but I
am not my desires; I have thoughts, but I am not my thoughts.
What is the source of your awareness? The one who has been
watching your sensations, feelings, desires, and thoughts is not the
same as the object it observes. He or she is your witness observer.
There are two things Ive noticed about the witness observer.
First, the witness observer is always with us. We just need to bring
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THE INSPIRED LIFE
our awareness to him or her. Second, the witness observer never

judges. He or she only observes.
Ive been aware of my witness observer for as long as I can
remember. Even so, the percentage of time I spend with him is low.
Instead of simply observing, I often react when things dont go my
way. When I do tune into my witness observer, I am more objective. I
am less harsh on myself, and I make better choices.
You can build a stronger relationship with your witness observer
by tuning into him or her when you feel yourself starting to get
worked up over something. Words help. Instead of saying, I am
angry, say, I feel angry. Do you see the difference? When you say,
I feel angry, you are acknowledging that you are not your
emotions.
Weve talked about a number of tools for increasing your selfawareness. Now, Id like for you to consider one of my personal
favorites, journaling.
Journaling
I love to journal; I journal almost every morning. I record and
analyze dreams, write about situations I am going through, and
explore meaty life questions. For me, journaling:
Brings clarity to life issues.
Provides an outlet for pent up emotions.
Gives dreams and ideas a place to grow.
Uncovers insights.
Charts my progress.
While I dont profess to be an expert on journaling, Ive learned a

few things that may be helpful to you if you decide to try it.
36
Write freely. Dont worry about spelling or grammar. Dont

worry about smudged ink or cross-outs. Your journal is for you and
you alone. You may share it with someone later, but when you are
writing, write for yourself. Finally, find time! Bring your journal
along with you wherever you go. You'd be amazed at how much
extra time youll find in your life.
In her wonderful book The Artists Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher
Creativity, Julia Cameron suggests writing morning pages. The
practice is simple: every morning write three pages on whatever is on
your mind, and write in longhand. Stream-of-consciousness writing
is fine by Cameron. Even if you write, I have nothing to say, just
write. Cameron promises that in time youll begin to map your interior and connect with the source of wisdom within.
Journaling is a great way to get in touch with your shadow, core
values, needs, feelings, and witness observer. Some of my clients
especially those new to journalingfind it helpful to have some
questions to consider. See if any of these resonate with you.
1. What were my mothers and fathers issues and how are
they playing out in my life?
2. Do I feel I lack permission to be who I am? If so, whose
permission do I seek?
3. In what areas do I need to grow up?
4. How would I describe a perfect day? (Give as much detail
as you can.)
5. What are my three top beliefs?
6. What are the top three limiting beliefs that are holding
me back?
7. What do people say I am good at?
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THE INSPIRED LIFE
8. What is the world asking of me?

9. Am I living a life, or leading a lifestyle?
10. Who is living the life that I most envy?
11. What would I tell young people is the most important
thing in life?
12. What would I like to leave behind as my legacy?
13. What matters at the end?
14. What is waiting to be born, and what is waiting to die
within me?
15. What was I doing the last time I lost all track of time?
16. What would I do if I knew I couldnt fail?
17. What would I be doing if money were not a concern?
18. Where is my fire, and what are my fears?
19. What excites me?
20. What angers me?
21. How can I smother the fear while stoking the fire?
22. Where am I willing to be led?
23. What would I do if I knew what to do?
24. If I lost everything, what would I do first?
25. How do I feel about making money?
26. Where can I best give my gifts to benefit the world?
(And what do I need in order to give them freely?)
27. What person, place, or thing has significantly impacted
my life?
38
28. What were three defining moments in my life, times

when my life took significant turns?
29. What does my child-self want to tell me right now in
this moment?
30. If things keep going the way they are going, will I like
where I end up?
31. What are three things that I want more of or less of in
my life?
32. What am I trying to prove to the world?
33. What do I not want others to know about me?
34. What do I do to connect with others?
35. What are five things that would open up for me if I were
more confident?
These questions are excellent thought-starters. Of course, you
can also write about your day, life, feelings, or dreams. Whatever you
write about, I encourage you to write, and youll discover journalings power to guide, inspire, and heal.
(If youd like some structure to get started, check out Wild and
Woolly: A Journal Keepers Handbook by Alfred DePew.)
Who Am I?
Much of our discussion on self-awareness has been focused on tools
to answer the question, Who am I? Finding your essential nature
can be tough work, especially when in transition and around
midlife. During midlife, we may no longer be able to distinguish our
true selves from the roles we are playing.
When I left my prestigious job as general manager of Fleishman-
39
THE INSPIRED LIFE
Hillards Atlanta office and moved to Asheville, I was forty-four. I

planned to take six months off work. Stripped of titles, roles, and a
full calendar, I felt like the emperor with no clothes. I was exposed,
uncomfortable, and uncertain. To soothe my discomfort, I immediately launched into a new venture.
I began to write a monthly self-syndicated column on the challenges of coming out later in life. The column, Confessions of a
Late Bloomer, was a success. It was picked up by alternative newspapers across the country. But this success didnt soothe my anxiety
as it once had. I was still unsure of who I was and what I wanted. To
find the serenity I sought, I would have to do some self work to
separate persona from my personhood.
Asheville turned out to be a good place to do this work. Unlike
Atlanta, few people knew me. I could start anew. Slowly I began to
learn that people could like me for me, and not my success. I learned
most people werent that interested in what I did for a living, only
how I lived my life.
Personas, or the faces we present to the public, dont come with
a warning label, but perhaps they should. Keeping personas in
perspective keeps them healthy. I am learning that I am not my
personas; they are only a dimension of who I am. While I may not
always be able to choose the roles I play, I can decide how I play
them.
I have to admit it wont be easy. I have a fifty-five-year pattern Ill
have to break. But the stakes are too high not to try.
How about you? Can you separate your true self from the roles
you play?
40
Review
If youve ever attended one of my workshops, you know that I often
hand out Stand in Your Power postcards and ask participants to
review their notes and write down three things theyd like to remember. Id like to challenge you to do the same.
What are three observations or insights youd like to remember
about becoming connected to self through self-awareness?
1.
2.
3.
Now looking over this chapter, what would you like to:
Stop?
Start?
Continue?
41
CHAPTER 3
Connect to Self
Through Self-Acceptance
M Y D O W N W A R D D O G bites. Im not as flexible as my fellow
yogis, and watching me get into most of the poses looks like some of
the funnier episodes from I Love Lucy. It used to bother me; it
doesnt so much anymore.
Mado, my gentle yoga instructor, helped me shift my attitude
when she suggested that a wise yogi knows when he or she needs
help and gets it. Mado is teaching me about accepting imperfection
and seeking help when I need it, both on and off the mat.
When I first tried yoga several years ago, I got so discouraged I
quit. Im competitive and often looked around to see how I was
doing compared to everyone else.
I am trying something different today. Instead of placing my
focus on how I measure up to the class, Im focusing on my body
and the sensations I feel. By becoming more inward, and not so
externally focused, I put less pressure on myself. I am more
grounded and enjoy myself more.
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THE INSPIRED LIFE
Like most people, situations, and things, yoga can be a wonderful classroom for lifes lessons. By focusing less on how others
perceive me, and more on what I am doing (what is needed in the
moment), I feel more grounded and present. Time flies, and I do a
better job.
What Ive learned in yoga is spilling over into other areas of my
life. I tell clients when I dont know the answers to all of their questions; I promise to share with them what I do know and suggest that
we can figure out the rest together. Clients appreciate my honesty
and embrace this authentic approach.
Almost twenty years ago, I bought a beautiful antique papiermach mannequin. This piece is more than a pretty artifact; its a
metaphor for my life. Four feet tall, it depicts a young man, and its
painted gold; I call it The Golden Boy. To me, it represents the
young man I felt my parents wanted me to be.
A while back, my cleaning crew inadvertently poked a hole
through the leg of my treasured golden boy. I hired an art restorer to
repair it, but if you look hard enough, you can see the patch.
At first, the patch bothered me, but no longer. Its now a
wonderful reminder that if I can love the golden boypatch and
allthen maybe I can learn to love myself just the way I am.
Practice, Not Perfection

Many clients tell me that of the three paths to personhoodselfawareness, self-acceptance, and authentic actionself-acceptance is
the hardest. Yet, of all the judgments we make in life, none is as critical as the one we make about ourselves. Self-acceptance leads to
self-love, and self-love fuels self-esteem.
In order to become more self-accepting, we must learn to break
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CONNECT TO SELF THROUGH SELF-ACCEPTANCE
our yardsticks and stop measuring ourselves against others. We need

to realize that we are the sum of all our strengths and weaknesses.
There is no one process for learning to accept ourselves other
than to exercise gentleness, kindness, and patience. We have to
forgive ourselves for past transgressions realizing old needs, fears,
hurts, and obsessions most likely guided us. We have to learn to say,
There I go again instead of berating ourselves when we make a
mistake.
In twelve-step programs theres a wonderful saying: Practice,
not perfection. I think its unrealistic to assume that we can be selfaccepting 100 percent of the time, but think how different your life
would be if you were just 20 to 25 percent more loving toward yourself.
Three Strategies for Self-Acceptance

Studies reveal that most of us secretly think were better than everyone else. We rate ourselves as more dependable, smarter, friendlier,
harder working, less prejudiced, and even better in the sack than
other people.
Some might feel that way, one client retorted during a recent
coaching session, but I dont. I tend to be pretty hard on myself. A
lot of us are, but all of us can be more self-accepting. My research
has uncovered three strategies to help:
1. Manage your inner critic; shatter limiting beliefs.
2. Focus on the positive.
3. Be good to yourself.
Lets look at each.
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THE INSPIRED LIFE
Self-Acceptance Strategy One:

Manage Your Inner Critic; Shatter Limiting Beliefs
Individuation is a term Carl Jung used to refer to the lifelong
process of becoming the person we were born to be; that person,
Jung believed, was composed of many diverse parts.
Writer and speaker Debbie Ford suggests that we visualize our
psyches as a bus packed with people, and each person represents a
different aspect of ourselves. Of all the entities that make up my
psyche, one is the most destructive: my inner critic. Think back to a
time when you did something you wish you hadnt. How did you
talk to yourself? If the conversation was a negative one, then your
inner critic was at play.
You really screwed up this time.
Im too fat.
How could I be so stupid?
We are constantly battling the inner critic. I read once that we
talk to ourselves about ten thousand times a day and 80 percent of
that talk is negative. With each new idea, our inner critic responds:
Youll look stupid.
Sure its a good idea, but youll never be able to sell it.
If you fail on this one, youll never have another chance.
You should keep quiet and let someone else do it.
If we listen to the inner critic, we become paralyzed. But when we
objectify it, we regain our power. One client named her inner critic
Sybil. When Sybil rears her ugly head, my client gently says, Oh,
Sybil, there you go again. She says, When I catch her, shes no
longer able to pack the punch she once could.
46
Of all the exercises Ive seen to help manage the inner critic, this
is my favorite. I learned it years ago at a workshop in Atlanta. When
something happens that triggers your inner critic, commit your
thoughts to paper. Without taking time to evaluate, list all the
things that are running through your mind. Then review each item
and write a T for true, an F for false, and a DK for dont know
beside it. In every case, there are few trues. Most of the voices are
either falses or dont knows.
Lets walk through an example. Several months ago, I was driving out of the YMCA parking lot after working out. I cut the wheels
of my car too sharply, hit a curb, and punctured a tire. My inner
critic went nuts.
Rather than have him ruin my day, I took five minutes, pulled
out a pad of paper and wrote down my thoughts:
I am an idiot.
I am irresponsible.
I wasnt paying attention.
I never pay attention.
I have way too much to do to deal with a flat tire.
I cant afford a new tire.
You get the drift. I then placed a T, F, or DK next to each:
I am an idiot. F
I am irresponsible. F
I wasnt paying attention. F
I never pay attention. F
I have way too much to do to deal with a flat tire. F
I cant afford a new tire. F
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THE INSPIRED LIFE
I began to see the truth: sometimes stuff just happens. It was an

honest mistake. My inner critic relaxed, and I was able to take a deep
breath, call AAA, and reschedule my lunch appointment.
Here are several other strategies for managing your inner critic.
Sometimes I find it helpful to take a reality check. I check in with a
trusted friend. Almost always, I find that I am overreacting. Awhile
back, I was reading Mens Health magazine and found this tip from
Matthew McKay, PhD, clinical director for Haight-Ashbury Psychological Services in San Francisco: when your inner critic speaks,
sweep your eyes from side to side about twenty-five times. This
action stimulates both sides of the brain and briefly disrupts thinking patterns.
As if inner critics arent tough enough to manage, we also have
to deal with limiting beliefs. Limiting beliefs are born during a negative life experience. They come to us in childhood when parents,
teachers, and other authority figures begin to instruct us on the
right way to behave and live our lives.
In their book Prisoners of Belief, authors Matthew McKay, PhD,
and Patrick Fanning identify ten common limiting beliefs. They are:
1. I am not worthy.
2. I am not safe.
3. I am not competent.
4. I am not powerful.
5. I am not loved or lovable.
6. I am not autonomous.
7. I am not treated justly.
8. I do not belong.
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9. People cannot be trusted.

10. My standards for myself and others are not reasonable
and flexible.
There are hundreds, if not thousands, of limiting beliefs that,
when left unconscious, determine our identity and control our
behavior in negative ways. Here are a few more:
I am not smart.
I cannot write (draw, paint, sculpt, act, etc.).
I am fat (skinny, bald, etc.).
Once again, its our inner dialog that fuels these beliefs. When
we can tune in and get a grip on what were saying to ourselves, we
can repattern our thoughts and restore our self-esteem. Heres a
process that several of my clients have found helpful.
Purchase a small spiral-bound notepad that fits in your jacket
pocket or pocketbook, and carry it with you for one week. Whenever
you catch yourself thinking a negative thought, write it down. Dont
judge the thought, only write it down. At the end of the week review
your notes.
Youll find patterns that can be easily grouped into negative
beliefs. When I did this exercise, I discovered two of mine:
I dont belong.
I am not lovable.
Like all of us, Ive developed a set of rules and regulations
around these negative beliefs. As quickly as I could, I wrote them
down:
Dont share too much of yourself so that you can avoid rejection.
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THE INSPIRED LIFE
Dont be too honest. Be whatever they want you to be. Dont voice
your opinions, needs, or wants.
Be wary of social situations.
Everyone is judging you, so its okay for you to judge everyone else.
You will feel less an outsider if you can find something wrong with
the other person.
Dont be too loud and draw too much attention to yourself.
I then cataloged the consequences of these beliefs, rules, and
regulations:
I dont feel comfortable with people.
I dont have as many friends as I would like.
Its hard for me to feel safe enough to share something important
with a friend.
Next, I began the process of repatterning my negative belief
system. I rewrote the negative beliefs, rules, and consequences into
positive statements:
I belong. (We are all one.)
I am unconditionally loving and lovable.
Then I crafted new rules around my new belief that I belong:
Self-disclosure breeds self-disclosure and results in stronger connections and a sense of belonging.
Social situations are opportunities to connect.
Everyone is in the same boat. We are in this together.
I want people to see me and know who I am.
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And I looked at the new consequences for the positive beliefs

that I now hold:
I love being with people and feel comfortable and safe with them.
I easily make new friends.
I feel safe sharing something important with a close friend.
Of course, my limiting beliefs didnt magically disappear once I
completed this exercise. I still struggle with them. But by making
what was unconscious, conscious, I can begin to shift some of these
limiting beliefs and stop them from controlling my life.
Self-Acceptance Strategy Two:

Focus on the Positive
You focus on the positive when you:
Know, claim, and use your strengths.
Understand that your weaknesses are disguised strengths.
Fuel your confidence.
Your first step is to identify your strengths. Friends feedback,

past evaluations, and a variety of psychological instruments including the Myers-Briggs Indicator, the Birkman System, and the Enneagram can provide clues. Ive found the book Strengths Finder 2.0 by
Tom Rath particularly helpful. If you purchase the book, youll find
an identification number that allows you to do an online exercise to
identify your core strengths.
I once had a client who claimed he had no real strengths. Im
okay at a lot of things, but nothing I do is outstanding, he said. I
told him I didnt buy it.
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THE INSPIRED LIFE
Together, we reviewed his last performance review. As I

suspected, he had many strengths, but the one strength that really
stood out was his ability to find innovative ways to save his department money. I asked him about it.
Oh, thats no big deal, he shrugged.
To you it doesnt seem like a big deal, because its easy for you,
I replied. But for your employer, its a huge deal because it means
money in the bank.
It took a little more convincing, but eventually he began to see
my point.
What are your greatest strengths? Can you name three?
Ive helped hundreds of clients create ideal work environment
profiles, and almost every one contains a common criterion: a place
that values my strengths. Sadly, most employees dont feel their
strengths are being used to their full advantage. In a survey
published in Now, Discover Your Strengths by Marcus Buckingham and
Donald O. Clifton, PhD, only 20 percent of employees who worked
for large organizations felt their strengths were being used.
I counsel clients to take responsibility for maximizing the use of
their strengths at work by asking these four questions:
1. Am I using my strengths in my current job?
2. If not, why not?
3. How could I begin to use my knowledge, skills, and
talents more fully in my work?
4. What benefits would this change provide my organization? Examples: increase revenue, save time, improve
efficiency, enhance morale.
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Betty is an accountant who works for a large accounting firm. In

addition to being an excellent accountant, Betty possesses strong
people skills. People are naturally drawn to her warmth. At the same
time, they trust her.
Betty was considering changing firms because she wanted more
client contact. After asking herself these four questions, Betty came
up with a brilliant idea. Her firm had recently opened a financial
services division. Betty asked to be transferred, and now she has a
large portfolio of happy clients who rely on her for advice on their
financial affairs.
How could you redesign your job to take better advantage of
your strengths and benefit your organization?
Many of us tend to focus on our weaknesses, rather than our
strengths. When I teach my PowerHouse Presenting workshop, I am
always struck by how participants write down the negative feedback
they receive on their presentation, but seldom write the positive
comments people give them.
Its helpful to remember that our strengths are often our greatest weaknesses, and our weaknesses are often our greatest strengths.
Whether a trait becomes a strength or weakness is often a matter of
degree.
Ill illustrate. List three physical characteristics or personality
traits that you dont like about yourself.
1. ______________________________________________________
2. ______________________________________________________
3. ______________________________________________________
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THE INSPIRED LIFE
Picture each trait connected to a dial. Can you turn the dial up or
down and shift the negative trait into the positive one? For example:
Loud
to
Expressive
Arrogant
to
Proud
Selfish
to
Self-Protective
Why dont you try it?

__________________________ to __________________________
__________________________ to __________________________
__________________________ to __________________________
Focusing on your strengths will build your self-confidence, but
even the most self-confident of us have days when we doubt
ourselves. I have worked with top CEOs and, trust me, their selfconfidence wanes at times too. Here are six tools to help you when
your self-esteem sags:
1. Create a brag file. Reserve a file for those cards, notes,
letters, and e-mails that tout your successes. When I am
feeling a little down, I pull out my brag file.
2. Share your good news with friends, clients, and the
media. When something really good happens, pick up
the phone and call a friend, post it on your blog or Facebook page, and even consider sending out a press release.
3. Reward yourself from time to time for major accomplishments. When I was asked to speak to a prestigious
association at their annual conference in Boston, I scheduled an extra four days on the Cape.
54
4. Choose your words wisely. My friend Shonnie Lavender

is teaching me how powerful words can be. When I
phrase something negatively, she gently suggests how
much more powerfuland usefulmy statement would
be if I reworded it more positively.
Consciously choosing positive words affects our physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual lives. Our language
creates our reality, so its important to think about what
we communicate, she explains.
Shonnie suggests substituting such words as want and
am for should and trying. Say, I want to exercise
every day, instead of, I should be exercising daily. She
says to eliminate the words always, everyone, and
everything altogether. These words are absolutes, and
absolutes are rarely true. Finally, Shonnie recommends
watching where you place your buts. Buts work
positively if the first part of the sentence is negative, but
they work negatively if the first part of the sentence is
positive. Look at what reordering a sentence around
but does:
Negative: He sure did work hard, but he didnt meet his
goal, did he?"
Positive: He didnt meet his goal, but he sure did work
hard, didnt he?"
Finally, listen closely to the words you use. Just the other
day, I described something as being killer. Shonnies
wise observation about words came to mind, and I
quickly rephrased my sentence substituting outstanding for killer.
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THE INSPIRED LIFE
5. Dress for success. Our appearance often reflects the way

we feel about ourselves. Some mornings when my confidence wanes, I purposely reach for one of my power
suits. I advise my clients to have at least one suit in their
closet that they feel fabulous in; I call this the power
suit. Mine is a black Armani. My whole demeanor
changes when I slip into that suit.
6. Make sure you have a strong support system. People
either fuel our confidence or they dont. They also either
give us or rob us of energy.
I often suggest to clients that they name:
Three people that help them feel good about themselves.
Three people that diminish their self-acceptance.
Several ways they could surround themselves with

people who make them feel good about themselves, and
create healthy boundaries around those who dont.
Self-Acceptance Strategy Three:

Be Good to Yourself
Weve heard it said that the most important relationship we can
have is the one we have with ourselves. While this may sound trite,
its also true. Key to having a good relationship with self is learning
to take care of ourselves.
I recently ran into a friend at the organic supermarket. Beaming,
she gave me a big hug. I asked her why she was so happy. She
explained that I had caught her at a significant time in her life. That
morning, she had promised herself that she was turning over a new
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leaf; she was going to take better care of herself. She had signed up
for a yoga class and was now buying good, nutritious food for
herself. Later, she was going to have a massage. My friend had
discovered the importance of what Jungian analyst and author Bud
Harris calls sacred selfishness. There is no better way to manifest
self-acceptance than to be good to ourselves.
What are three ways that you could be good to yourself?
1. ______________________________________________________
2. ______________________________________________________
3. ______________________________________________________
For example, you may:
1. Get a massage monthly.
2. Schedule a vacation, even if its just a weekend at the
lake, every three months.
3. Stop obsessing on weight.
Ive found that most people who complete this exercise list at
least one item that has to do with how they treat or perceive their
body. A positive body image plays a big role in self-acceptance.
In our country, how much we respect ourselves often hinges in
part on how we look. Some psychologists claim most peoples body
image is so bad that having a bad body image is now considered
normal.
According to the American Psychological Association, 30 to 40
percent of Americans are somewhat unhappy with their appearance;
another 45 percent may experience anxiety or depression because
they dislike their appearance.
In an era of gender equality, Americans obsession with body
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THE INSPIRED LIFE
image is almost equally divided among the sexes. One body-image

study found that 55 percent of all women were dissatisfied with
their physiques, followed closely by men at 45 percent.
Here are five suggestions that will help you feel better about
your body.
1. Quit dissecting your body. People generally look at some
small part of the body they dont like and stake everything on it. Instead of fixating on a flaw, take several
steps back and squint your eyes. Look at yourself the way
the world does, through a soft focus. The world sees the
whole you, not just one feature. Love the whole you.
Some makeup artists tell their clients not to look at
themselves too closely in the mirror. They explain that
no one else views us as critically as we view ourselves. No
one stares at the dark rings under our eyes or the line in
our brow like we do. Instead, they admire the big picture;
they admire all of usmind, body, and spirit.
2. Focus on presence, not perfection. Do you remember
those girls and guys in high school who were popular but
not pretty? Chances are they had poise and presence.
Presence is far more attractive to both sexes than physical
beauty. After all, physical beauty is relative.
3. Accentuate the positive. You can probably name those
aspects of yourself that you dislike, but can you name
those features about yourself you admire? Maybe you
have shiny, healthy hair, or clear, supple skin. Whatever
your favorite features are, play them up. Get a manicure
or give your hair a deep conditioning treatment. Dress
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up your self-esteem by taking care of your appearance.

Wear clothes that fit and that make you feel good about
your body.
4. Befriend your body. Instead of torturing your body by
dieting and overexercising, pamper it. Get a massage,
take a hot bath, go dancing, and indulge in your favorite
foods from time to time (it will help prevent bingeing).
Get into your body and enjoy it for the wonderful
machine it is. Speak lovingly and positively to yourself
and fight negative self-talk by complimenting yourself.
Look for the good and praise it.
5. Focus on who you are, not how you look. Acknowledge
the whole you and not just your body. What are your
talents, gifts, and dreams? Think of all the lives you have
touched. Create a feel-good box or brag file. Every time
someone compliments you, write the compliment down
on a piece of paper and drop it in.
As I think about my body image, Ive come to realize that for the
most part I like my body. Looking around me, most people I know
dont look like the models on the covers of Vogue and Mens Health.
They are real people like me.
At six foot two and 165 pounds, I am tall, and I am thin. I exercise regularly and watch what I eat, maybe a little too closely. I have
a phobia about getting fat; I was a fat kid.
Several years ago, I visited the Canyon Ranch Spa in Tucson,
Arizona, for an executive physical. One morning, I signed up for a
fourteen-mile bike ride through the desert. The group leader
discouraged a mother and daughter from going, saying it was one of
the ranchs most strenuous rides. Looking around at the remaining
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THE INSPIRED LIFE
riders in their biking pants, gloves, and cleated shoes, I began to

have second thoughts. What if I cant keep up? I fretted. Then,
standing a little taller, I remembered: I am an athlete. Not only did I
complete the ride, but I finished before most of my fellow riders. The
fat little boy who was the last to be picked for teams is now a part of
my past.
Roles play a critical part in the way we see ourselves. What roles
are you playing? Superman, den mother, oldest child, victim, or
fixer? Are there roles you are still playing that no longer fit? If so,
what roles would you like to replace them with?
60
Review
about becoming connected to self through self-acceptance?
1.
2.
3.
Reviewing this chapter, what would you like to:

Stop?
Start?
Continue?
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CHAPTER 4
Connect to Self
Through Authentic Action
W E L L B E G I N our discussion on authentic action by taking
action. This exercise may challenge you to think about some things
youve never considered before.
Read each statement; then using your best judgment circle the
number that indicates how well the statement describes you
(1 = very little; 2 = somewhat; 3 = very well).
Score
Statement
I take significant time for self-discovery and

self-awareness. (Activities could include therapy,
personal coaching, meditation, journaling, or
walking in nature.)
My inner critic doesnt control my life. I can

forgive myself for past transgressions. I am not
overly hard on myself when I make mistakes.
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THE INSPIRED LIFE
I have friends I feel really know me; with them

I am able to relax and totally be myself. (Give
yourself three points if you have five or more
friends who fit this description, two points for
one to four friends, and one point for no
friends.)
I speak out even when its uncomfortable. I am

able to hold my ground and not cave in to
public approval.
I freely express my wants and needs and am not

afraid to establish boundaries when appropriate.
I am aware of my intentions before beginning an

important task or communication.
I think about my core values and purpose before

making any major decision.
I love my work; I find joy in it most of the time.
My work benefits others in some way.
I like my life. At least four times a week I think

about how fortunate I am.
I seek guidance from synchronicities and life

events, and from my hunches, physical sensations, emotions, and dreams.
When things dont turn out as I planned, I look

for the lesson. I ask myself what I can learn from
the situation.
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CONNECT TO SELF THROUGH AUTHENTIC ACTION
I feel I am a part of something bigger than

myself. (It could be a group of people, an organization, or belief system.)
I feel I have a good balance between work and

my personal life.
If you gave yourself a 3 on most of the questions, you could be

fooling yourself. Most of us have some room for improvement.
Review those questions for which you gave yourself a 1. What
is holding you back from making this practice a part of your life? Is
there one small step you could commit to?
For example, I gave myself a 1 on the question about reviewing
core values and purpose before making important decisions. While I
feel this practice is important, I rarely remember to do it. I have
placed core values and purpose on this years business plan. Every
time I review the plan, this will remind me to take my purpose and
core values into consideration when making decisions. (Hopefully,
you identified your core values in Chapter 2. Youll write a purpose
statement in Chapter 7.)
As you can see from this exercise, authentic action means you:
Uncover your true feelings, instead of the ones you think

you should feel.
Act on your feelings, passions, dreams, and needs.
Speak your truth.
Stop giving yourself up for others.
Find balance in your life.
It also requires you to be yourself with those you trust, and a

large part of being yourself is sharing yourself (or self-disclosing).
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THE INSPIRED LIFE
Self-Disclosure Is an Authentic Action

Self-disclosure encourages self-disclosure, which leads to closer and
more intimate relationships. When we tell people about us, we invite
them into our lives. In their book Messages: The Communications Skills
Handbook authors Matthew McKay, PhD, Martha Davis, PhD, and
Patrick Fanning write, Trying to achieve closeness without revealing something about yourself is like trying to hit a homerun with
toothpicks. I had to get hit on the head with a bat before I could hit
a homerun.
I dont know how it is in your family, but in ours seeing a therapist was an admission of weakness. Therapy was not something
Siegels did, but I was in so much pain I didnt care. I made an
appointment. After several sessions, my therapist suggested that I
could benefit from group therapy. I was less than thrilled with his
advice.
Its bad enough that I have to see a therapist; now I have to join a
group, I said to myself. Still. I knew it was best to follow his advice.
A week later, I walked into a room full of losers. Session after
session, I listened to them whine about their insignificant lives.
After the fourth session, the group had enough of my attitude. One
said, Randy, I think you should consider leaving the group. You
couldnt be getting anything out of it.
I was indignant. Me? I was the only one who had it together.
Who did these people think they were?
The spokesman continued, You are so concerned about
protecting your positive, upbeat image, we have no idea who you
really are.
As painful as these words were to hear, they found their mark. I
hadnt connected with the group because I had only shared my plastic-coated persona. Afraid of being judged, I had been unwilling to
66
show the slightest trace of vulnerability.

I realized that if I was doing this with these men and women in
this safe, protected environment, then I was doing this with everyone I encountered. To forge meaningful connections, I had to be
willing to share more of myself and my life.
According to the authors of Messages: The Communications Skills
Book, we can share four aspects of self: Open Self, Blind Self, Hidden
Self, and Unknown Self.
Open Self is that part of ourselves that is known to us and to
others. Blind Self is that part of ourselves we dont know and others
do. Hidden Self is the part that is known to self but unknown to
others, and Unknown Self is unknown to both us and other people.
How Much Should You Self-Disclose?

If we think of self-disclosure as a pie made up of these four sections,
we see that the size of each quadrant changes with each person with
whom we interact. There is no set formula for how much you should
disclose about yourself; it changes from person to person and situation to situation. Still, the more you share Open Self, the more likely
you are to reap the rewards of self-disclosure.
Sharing our vulnerability can feel risky. We fear rejection, judgment, or that the information will be used to take advantage of us.
Yet, when I screw up the courage to be vulnerable, I meet people
heart to heart. By relaxing my grip on perfection, I forge stronger
relationships.
Self-disclosure doesnt mean that you have to share your most
intimate secrets. Most timesespecially in businessthis is not
appropriate. A glimpse into your life will suffice.
I once worked with the head of a large nonprofit agency who
wanted to become a more charismatic speaker. He was admired by
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THE INSPIRED LIFE
many. He was known as a thought-leader in his field and an accomplished administrator. If people had any criticism of him, it was that
they didnt have a sense of who he was as a person.
My client was an introvert and not comfortable sharing the
details of his life. I taught him that he didnt have to open himself
up with a can opener, only provide people with a peek into his life.
Heres what I suggested as an example: When youre giving a
speech, instead of saying, According to a poll published in the New
York Times say, You know, this morning my son and I were having
breakfast and I was reading the New York Times. I ran across an article.
My client got it. Just by tweaking a sentence, he could offer audiences a glimpse into his personal life.
While I teach the importance of sharing ourselves, I have to
admit I still slip from time to time. When I am feeling insecure, I can
step into the rusty armor of my golden boy image. Still, Ive found
that self-disclosure is almost always worth the risk. The more I shift
into Open Self, the more I allow people to see me.
Speak Your Truth

To self-disclose is to speak your truth. I believe there are four levels
of truth-telling:
1. State the facts.
2. Express your thoughts and feelings.
3. Share your wants and needs.
4. Show vulnerability.
Afraid of rejection, I often resisted talking about negative feelings, limits or boundaries, wants and needsanything that might
68
interfere with peoples high opinions of me. I have learned Im not

alone; many of us sugar-coat or pave over feelings, needs, and topics
that feel uncomfortable to us.
How comfortable are you with expressing each of the five categories? Rank on a scale of 1 to 5 with 1 being very uncomfortable
and 5 being very comfortable.
Negative Feelings
Positive Feelings
Limits/Boundaries
Wants/Needs
Vulnerability
Are there any areas you gave yourself a 1 or 2? If so, how could
you become more comfortable speaking your truth?
Meet Your Needs

Authentic action also means taking steps to ensure that your needs
are met. Of course, the first step is to determine your needs. While
that might sound easy, for many its not. Some of us have trouble
distinguishing between wants and needs.
A need is something you have to have, something you cant do
without. A good example is food. If you dont eat, you won't survive
for long. A want is something you would like to have. It is not
absolutely necessary, but it would be a nice thing to have. A good
example is music. Now, some people might argue that music is a
need because they think they cant do without it. But you dont need
music to survive; you do need to eat.
Wants can become needs, and needs and wants can change over
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THE INSPIRED LIFE
time as situations change.

In Chapter 2, I listed some needs. Heres another small list of
potential wants and needs. Feel free to add to it, and mark which
items are wants and which are needs.
Beauty
Affluence
Recognition
Security
Travel
Adventure
Stability
Routine
Change
Connectedness Harmony
Autonomy
Health
Service
Growth
Creativity
Empathy
Variety
Balance
Prestige
Limelight
Collaboration
Responsibility Clarity
Love
_____________ _____________ _____________
____________ _____________ _____________ _____________

Now prioritize them.
Review your life. Which wants and needs are missing? What else
is missing? Examples include travel, exercise, challenging work,
financial security, friends, spirituality, intellectual stimulation, and
a creative outlet. Write them down.
The Need for Work-Life Balance

In my work, the unmet need clients talk about most is the need for
balance. Face it: all of our plates are full. Juliet Schor, author of The
Overworked American and a Harvard economist, says the typical
family puts in a thousand more hours a year today than they did
twenty-five years ago. Few of us feel we have a good work-life
balance.
Life coaches use an exercise called the life pie to help clients
visualize where their lives may be out of balance. Clients draw a
circle and divide it into seven equal pieces of pie:
70
1. Spiritual
2. Physical (exercise, diet, and appearance)
3. Fiscal (comfort about monetary issues)
4. Emotional (friends, family, and romance)
5. Work
6. Leisure (travel, hobbies, play, etc.)
7. Mental and Intellectual
Clients then fill in each slice to indicate the degree to which they
are fulfilled in that area. The outer rim indicates totally fulfilled
and the inner portion of the circle indicates lacking. For example,
if their spiritual life is mostly satisfying, they would fill in most of
the slice labeled spiritual.
There are no easy answers on how to create more work-life
balance. Solutions can vary depending on the circumstances, but
here are six tips that Ive found particularly helpful.
1. Become more present. Project less into the future and
worry less about the past. Enjoy the gift the present presents. Yikes, I sound like a Hallmark card. This is so
much easier to write than to implement, but, like most
things, change begins with awareness.
One strategy that keeps me present is opening my eyes to
the beauty around me. For example, I become present on
the drive to the grocery store when I look up and see the
mountains. Another strategy is to minimize distractions.
When I eat, I can turn off the television and savor the
food I am eating. When driving, I can turn off the radio
and become more aware of my surroundings.
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THE INSPIRED LIFE
2. Never rush relationships. Constantly ask yourself,

whats important here? In almost every case, its the
people around you. Give people the gift of being present
with them. Put people before activity.
3. Prioritize. Stop feeling a hyper-sense of urgency about
everything. When you feel rushed say to yourself, Stop!
Take three deep, cleansing breaths and prioritize. Look at
the big picture. Constantly ask, does this really matter?
The best advice Ive ever read was a simple secret for
managing stress: Dont sweat the small stuff, and
remember that almost all of it is small.
Too often, I forget to put things in their proper perspective. I stress about the little stuff while losing sight of the
big picture. Im reminded of a poem a wise woman once
wrote. Her name was Nadine Stair. She was eighty-five
years old and lived in Louisville, Kentucky. She wrote:
If I had to live my life over, Id dare to make more mistakes
next time. Id relax. I would limber up. I would be sillier than
I have been on this trip. I would take fewer things seriously.
I would take more chances. I would climb more mountains and
swim more rivers. I would eat more ice cream and less beans.
I would perhaps have more actual troubles, but Id have less
imaginary ones.
You see, I am one of those people who lived sensibly and sanely,
hour after hour, day after day. Oh, Ive had my moments, and if
I had to do it over again, Id have more of them. In fact, Id try to
have nothing else. Just moments, one after another, instead of
living so many years ahead of each day. Ive been one of those
persons who never goes anywhere without a thermometer, a hot
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water bottle, a raincoat, and a parachute. If I had to do it over

again, I would travel lighter than I have.
If I had my life to live over, I would start going barefoot earlier
in the spring and stay that way later in the fall. I would go to
more dances. I would ride more merry-go-rounds. I would pick
more daisies.
I dont have the chance to live my life over, but I can live
it right now. As I enter the second half of my life, I will
remember that my true legacy will not be so much what
I have accomplished but how I have lived my life.
4. Pause and check in with your body. Where are you carrying tension? Are your shoulders raised? How are you
breathing? Shallow or deep? I read recently that if we
take ten deep belly breaths twice a day, we enjoy the same
benefits as an hour of yoga or meditation. The next time
you find yourself in a line, or in traffic, practice deep
breathing.
5. Guard against overscheduling. I know; this is easier said
than done, but when possible allow space in between
tasks to process and reground. When I can, I limit my
travel to twice a month. And regardless of how busy I get,
I always schedule time for quiet and introspection.
6. Focus on one task at a time. One survey says it can take
the brain twenty minutes to reboot after an interruption. A recent Stanford University study showed that
multitaskers are more distracted, and in fact worse at
multitasking than those who dont do it regularly.
Multitaskers are just lousy at everything, one Stanford
researcher commented.
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THE INSPIRED LIFE
Its funny, I am learning that when I focus on one task, I often

accomplish more faster, giving me more time to do the things I love,
such as painting.
The Need for a Creative Outlet

Many of my clients are professionals; when they talk to me about
what is missing in their lives inevitably they mention some kind of
creative expression. Id love to take up piano again, a client said. I
used to play as a kid, and I was pretty good at it. Picasso once said,
Every child is an artist. The problem is how to remain an artist once
we grow up.
If I could do anything, Id love to garden, another client
shared. I dont know if Id be any good at it, but Id love to try.
Whether you take up piano, gardening, painting, photography,
sculpting, sewing, writing, dancing, acting, or cooking isnt important. Whats important is to make time to be creative.
Reclaiming your creativity may seem overwhelming. Some
clients have benefited from joining an Artists Way group or reading
Julia Camerons book of the same title. Others have taken a weekend
workshop such as The Painting Experience or Painting from the
Source, or enrolled in a class at a local community college. Still
others just jumped in. They made a commitment, carved out time in
their schedules, and just did it.
When I first moved to Asheville, I bought some oil-based pastels
and a drawing pad. Once a week Id go to my basement, where I had
set up a folding table and chair, and draw. About six months later, I
took a painting class at the community college. Soon after, I joined
a painting group. Ten years later, I have a studio and exhibit my
work from time to time. (Have a look at my paintings at
RandySiegelArt.com.)
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Having a creative outlet has enriched my life. If your creativity is

not currently at play, please consider finding a creative outlet you
love and devoting some time to it.
Most people tell me that finding time for relaxation, rejuvenation, creativity, and play is a challenge. Sure it is. Still, you can take
control of your life.
Take Control of Your Life

By taking a series of small steps, you can begin to meet your
needs. For example, if your spiritual life is minimal, even sitting still
for five minutes or going to visit a church or synagogue will be helpful. If your physical side is lacking, consider walking for twenty
minutes just two mornings a week. If your leisure slice is out of
whack, you may want to schedule time for something you love to do
each week. What are several steps you could take to create a more
balanced life for yourself?
Most of my clients claim they have little time for themselves, yet
when we look objectively at their schedules, we find it. In my experience, its not a matter of time; its a matter of priorities.
One client found time to exercise and to spend one-on-one time
with her husband by walking with him after dinner. Three times a
week, they go to a track at the local high school close to their house.
The kids ride their bikes while she and her husband walk and talk.
Another client pledged to spend more time with his sons. Saturday mornings have become his sacred time. We build forts, play
games, and explore the woods behind our home. Im having a ball,
he said with enthusiasm. I feel like a kid again.
Mondays are my sacred time. I meet a small group of artists at
the community college and paint for four hours. I block this time
out on my calendar and schedule clients around it. I may have to
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THE INSPIRED LIFE
work on the weekend to make up for it, but its worth it.
Designate you time on the calendar in ink, and schedule work
commitments around it. Its said that it takes thirty days to form a
habit. Do whatever it takes the first month to carve out the time. It
gets easier after that.
Get support. Ask a good friend, your spouse, or a coach to hold
you accountable for making sacred time. Ask him or her to check in
with you weeklyespecially in that first month.
Your sacred time is your time. This is not a time for shoulds. It
is a time to slow down and PLAY, whatever that means to you. By
taking time for yourself, youll be a better businessperson, parent,
and partner. Youll also reduce stress, which will enhance your
mental and physical health.
Sacred time recharges our batteries. When I began working for
Cohn & Wolfe public relations I was twenty-five. On my first day
Norman Wolfe called me to his office. I want my people working
hard, but I dont want them working weekends. Weekends are for
recharging your creative batteries, he said. Its a lesson that stuck
with me.
Sacred time makes work and life more enjoyable. When I make
time to do what I love to do, it reduces stress. It also makes me a
more interesting person, which in turn helps my business. For
example, I linked my art website to my bio on my website,
BuildYourLeaders.com. Many prospects comment on my art. It
makes me more human and easier to connect with.
Its rare when a person comes to the end of his or her life and
says, I wish I had worked more. Most regret not spending more
time doing the things they love. Dont wait for retirement; make
time for the things you love now.
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If youre still having a hard time with the idea of giving yourself
permission to take time for yourself, consider the concept of intrapersonal tithing.
I met Harvey McKinnon at a workshop I gave at The Giving
Institutes summer conference in Napa Valley, California, some
years ago. Harvey formulated the idea of intrapersonal tithing. He
says there are 8,760 hours in a year, and the average person sleeps
eight hours a day or 2,920 hours. That leaves 5,840 waking hours.
Consider your essential commitments such as:
Work: 40 hours x 50 weeks = 2,000 hours a year;
Buying, preparing, and eating food: 2 hours x 365 days
= 730 hours;
Housework, washing clothes, etc.: about 200 hours; and
Commuting: about 300 hours.
You have 2,610 hours left, or approximately 2,000 hours. Ten
percent of that would be 200 hours. Thats a little less than four
hours a week. Think how different your life would be if you committed four hours a week to yourself and your personal growth. You
could:
Read fiction and nonfiction that inspires, entertains,

and/or educates you.
Spend time with your loved ones.
Journal.
Take a course at your local community college.
Do something creative such as paint, sculpt, cook,

or write.
Meditate or pray.
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THE INSPIRED LIFE
Meet with a mentor, coach, spiritual guide, or therapist.
Spend time in nature.
Exercise, lift weights, or do yoga.
When you enhance your knowledge, learn new ideas, and gain
new skills, you have much more to offer others, Harvey says. Great
knowledge can lead to better jobs, higher income, and more
personal satisfaction. (And your mental, psychological, spiritual,
and emotional health improve too.)
Many of my clients say that designating 10 percent of their free
time to themselves is daunting. I dont know where I would find
the time, one woman remarked. Another said, Ten percent feels so
self-indulgent.
If you share similar feelings, Harvey recommends escalator
giving, increasing the time you devote to yourself by 1 percent a
year until you reach 10 percent. There are few of us who cant
commit to that.
Could you commit to designating more you time? At the very
least, would you consider trying intrapersonal tithing for one
month? I believe you will find that youre a happier, more productive person for it.
Review
So far in Part II, youve learned that the relationship you have with
yourself is the central relationship in your life. At the heart of all the
elements that make up your life experienceincluding family,
friends, love relationships, and workis you.
Youve learned there are three paths to connecting to self:
1. Self-Awareness
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2. Self-Acceptance
3. Authentic Action
In this chapter, we examined connection to self through authentic action. Authentic action is inspired action, and inspired action
is acting with grace. Ramakrishna said, The winds of grace are
always blowing, but you have to raise the sail.
about becoming connected to self through authentic action?
1.
2.
3.
Weve discussed a number of strategies for taking authentic action.

Take a moment to review this chapter; what will you commit to:
Stop?
Start?
Continue?
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CHAPTER 5
Connect to Others
W E W E R E S H A R I N G a bottle of champagne in the noisy bar of
one of Ashevilles chicest hotels when my friend shocked me. Im

lonely, she said, holding back the tears.
You, lonely? I would have never believed it, I replied. My friend
is a well-known speaker with a large, loyal following. She has a closeknit family and a very full life.
Tell me more, I probed sympathetically, seeking to understand.
I know a lot of people, and I interact with people all day, she
explained. But Im craving close, soul-felt connections where I can
just relax and be myself.
I now understood. I want that too. I think we all do.
Connection: The New Currency

Look around a nice restaurant and youll find at least one couple
having what should be a romantic candlelit dinner, yet one person is
on the cell phone. Walk across a college campus, or down the street
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in any large city, and seven out of ten people have a cell phone or
iPod glued to their ear. Open your eyes and everywhere youll see
tangible signs that we are losing our ability to connect with one
another, and its negatively impacting us physically, mentally,
emotionally, economically, and spiritually.
Study after study shows that people who have strong social
networks are happier and healthier than those who do not. Sonja
Lyubomirksy, PhD, a professor of psychology at the University of
California and author of The How of Happiness, writes that genes
account for about 50 percent of our happiness. And the other 50
percent? Meaningful relationships. The University of Pennsylvanias
Martin Seligman believes that relationships are far more important
to happiness than even a satisfying job or money. I agree.
In a world where our personal and collective social capital is
teetering toward bankruptcy, the power to connect could well
become our next currency. To cash in, we need to overcome our fear.
Fears That Keep Us from Connecting

If we dont want to connector a person doesnt want to connect
with usfear is most likely at the root. One of the primary fears that
blocks us from connection is a fear of inadequacy and rejection.
This fear manifests in different ways, including using judgment as a
defense.
Looking back, its a wonder I had any friends. In a misguided
attempt to lift my sagging self-esteem, I used to put people down.
But instead of making me feel better, judging left me feeling
depleted, isolated, and lonely.
By midlife, I craved stronger, deeper connections and knew that
in order to get them I had to look at my own judgment. Understanding the psychological concept of projection (discussed in Chapter 2)
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has helped me. I know that when I am judgmental I am judging

myself. I project my faults onto other people. And when others
judge me, they do the same; they project their own faults onto me.
Give People a Second Chance

Daniel Siegel (no relation), UCLA psychiatrist and author of The
Mindful Brain, calls it mindsight. Many psychologists call it
empathic accuracy, and I call it our built-in BS meters. Whatever
you call it, its your ability to map anothers internal state, and when
it works you can determine if youre being manipulated or seduced.
Composed of observation, memories, powers of reason, and
emotion, this facility allows us to constantly make educated guesses
about what another is feeling or thinking. Mind reading is perhaps
the most urgent element of social intelligence, writes Annie
Murphy Paul in an article Mind Reading in the October 2007
issue of Psychology Today.
Unfortunately, though, most of us arent particularly good at it,
reading each other with an average accuracy of only 20 percent.
Close friends and married couples can inch up to 35 percent, but
almost no one scores more than 60 percent, according to psychologist William Ickes, the father of empathic accuracy.
Maybe the next time your BS meter sounds off, its worth
considering giving the person a second shot. By managing judgment, and owning our projections, we can find compassion, diminish judgment, and allow real communications and connection to
take place.
Can you think of one person who works your last nerve? What
drives you crazy about him or her? Is it possible that you also do the
same thing, even if its not often? How could you connect with him
or her? Im not suggesting that this person become your best friend,
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THE INSPIRED LIFE
but is there a way you could give her a second chance? Perhaps you
find a little empathy. Maybe this person acts the way he or she does
because hes insecure, sad, or jealous.
Four Tools for Connecting to Others

Entire books have been written on how to connect with others.
Many are filled with gimmicks such as mimicking the other persons
body language. While these tactics may prove to be effective, they are
superficial.
Like an iceberg, most heartfelt connection takes place under the
surface. Its not so much what we say, but how we say it that forges
authentic connections. And how we say it is always colored by attitude and intention. To connect:
1. See the best in others.
2. Focus on the other.
3. Find empathy.
4. Practice presence.
Well review each.
Connector One: See the Best in People

I was a pup in my early thirties when Fleishman-Hillard International Communications tapped me to open their Atlanta office. I
was a great salesman, adequate public relations practitioner, and
lousy manager. I was such a bad manager that two out of three of
my initial employees quit within several weeks. One slammed her
fists down on my desk shouting: I cant take it anymore. Being a
relatively smart fellow, I realized I had a management problem.
While I did a lot of things wrong, I did something right: I hired
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Julie. The sweetheart of the Atlanta PR scene, Julie would become

the heart and soul of the new office.
Julie bolstered morale and helped build a cohesive team, but the
thing I admired most about Julie was her ability to see the best in
peopleeven me. She saw and publicly recognized positive traits I
couldnt see and claim for myself. Julies ability to hold space for my
best self motivated me to become a better person.
German author Goethe once wrote, If you treat an individual as
he is, he will stay as he is, but if you treat him as if he were what he
ought to be and could be, he will become what he ought to be and
could be.
What a gift the Julies of the world give to those who are fortunate enough to call them friends. If we were to follow their lead,
wouldnt we all be better managers, friends, lovers, family members,
and people?
Connector Two: Focus on the Other

According to a study conducted by the Harvard Business School,
there are three types of speakers: talkers, presenters, and connectors.
The majority of people are talkers and presenters. Only 3 percent are
connectors," and they are the strongest communicators. What
makes connectors so powerful is they are other-focused, as opposed
to talkers and presenters, who are self-focused.
As I explain in my PowerHouse Presenting workshops, most
presenters are focused on their performance. Before they present
they probably fret: I hope they like me or I hope I dont embarrass
myself. When they do this, its as if they have placed a hand mirror
to their face. Its all about their performance, instead of connecting
with their audience.
Great presenters take the emphasis off their performance and
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place it on giving their audiences what they need. They drop the
hand mirror, and by doing so they switch their message from Here
I am to Here you are.
A basic truth about humans is that our first priority is to meet
our own needs. If you want to build connection, you must first seek
to meet others needs by answering the questions Whats in it for
them? or Why should they care?
I am amazed at the number of people who dont understand
this. Way too often, I coach clients who plan to approach their
bosses for a raise or promotion, or apply for a job without considering whats in it for the company, or why their boss or future
employer should care. Instead, they say:
I need a raise because my second child is on the way.
Ive done good work, so I deserve a promotion.
This job would be a good one for me because it offers. . . .
Think how much more likely a raise, promotion, or new job
would be if these men and women focused their pitch on why it is in
the employers best interest to give them a raise, promotion, or new
job. For example, As a vice president, I can take over leadership of
the XYZ account and free up some of your time for new business.
The same strategy works when negotiating with a spouse, significant other, or friend. Youve said you want to break out of our
routine and try something different. Why dont we take the kids to
the new Mexican restaurant tonight?
Another way we focus on others is to see people as they want to
be seen. I have a friend who loves having a gay male friendme.
What she fails to understand is that being gay is only a small part of
who I consider myself to be. Just this week, she was telling me about
a movie she saw that featured a gay man and a female friend. They
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were just like us, she gushed. I cringed. Until she sees me as I want
to be seen, and not as she wants to see me, well never be as close as
she thinks we are.
Think about your friendships. Are you seeing your friends as
they would like to be seen? Maybe you have a friend who wants to be
recognized as a wonderful parent? Or one who wants you to
acknowledge his business acumen? The greatest gift we can give
another is to see the person as he or she wants to be seen.
Empathy is the third tool for connecting to others. My friend
David told me a wonderful story that illustrates how empathy
works. Here it is.
Connector Three: Practice Empathy

David was standing in line at the supermarket when an impatient
woman broke in line and demanded the cashier check her out. I
only have one item, she barked. The young cashier politely
explained she was serving another customer. Exasperated, the
woman broke into another line.
David looked at the cashier, rolled his eyes, and said, She must
be in some hurry. The cashier opened her mouth to reply, then
paused and thought better of it. She took a deep breath and said, I
do it too.
I do it too, thought David. What a wonderful response. Instead
of judging the impatient woman, the cashier found empathy.
All through the day, whenever I got put out with someone, I
thought, I do it too, David said. Whether I was in line, in traffic,
or dealing with a rude coworker, I remembered, I do it too. What a
gift that cashier gave me.
Frank Andrews in his book The Art and Practice of Loving offers
this lovely practice. Look at a person and silently repeat to yourself:
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You are with me.

You are like me.
You are me.
Connector Four: Be Present

You know the fully present person. He makes you feel like talking
to you is the single most important thing he could be doing right
now. She makes you feel as if everything you say is interesting. You
feel heard. You feel valued. You feel...loved.
You know the other people, too. Youre talking and theyre
glancing around. You ask for input, and they make you repeat the
question. They look at their watch, waiting for the next thing. Or
they nod their heads impatiently, waiting for you to pause a second
so they can jump in and make a point.
We can all feel when someone is not being present with us, and it
doesnt feel good.
All of us are born with a strong ability to be present. Babies have
strong presence because their heads arent yet cluttered with
thoughts. They only know how to deal with what is right in front of
them at the moment. This sounds too simple but look at what
happens when you bring a newborn baby into a room. Everyones
attention shifts to the baby. People start to smile and forget about
their own problems for a few minutes. The baby is not doing
anythingjust being thereyet everyone around feels a little better.
How do you know if youre present? Your thoughts are in the
moment rather than the past or future. When you are present, your
head, heart, and gut are united. Time seems to slow down or stop
altogether. You feel energized and alive, yet you also feel centered
and calm. You experience no fear. Many people experience love.
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Several years ago I was coaching an executive on how to make a

mid-career job transition to take his work to a new level. This man
was all-business and shared little about his personal or emotional
life. To be honest, I was a little intimidated by him.
During our third session, a shift took place and something
magical happened. My agenda disappeared, and I began to speak
from the heart. I chose love over fear. I became so focused on him it
was as if we had merged. Our connection became so strong that as I
rose to leave at the end of the session, he jumped up and spontaneously hugged me.
Sometimes, especially when I am busy or in a hurry, I objectify
people. Martin Buber, an Austrian-born philosopher, calls this I-It
relationships or the thingification of people. Many of us are especially guilty of I-It relationships when we are at home.
When I discuss listening skills in my workshops, I invite participants to take a brief listening inventory. In almost every case, participants list family as those who would rank their listening skills the
poorest. Isnt it interesting that we tend to be less present with those
closest to us?
The good news is that when you become aware that you are not
present, you become more present. Here are four additional tips for
staying present with people:
1. Stop what you are doing and look at the person when
he/she is talking to you. This shows respect and will
make it easier to keep focused. When you are on the
phone, turn off your computer, or put the computer
screen down so you cant see it. If you are at your desk,
stand up; youll be less distracted that way.
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2. When your mind wanders, take a deep breath to get

anchored and centered and gently redirect it back to the
present moment.
3. Ignore stray thoughts that flit across your mind, trying to
distract you. If you dont give them attention, they wont
hook you. Ive heard it suggested that we think of
thoughts as clouds and watch them float by.
4. If you are too distracted to concentrate, tell the person.
Say something like: Id like to give you my full attention,
but I am focused onright now. Could we schedule a
time to talk later today?
The Great Universal Truth: All One

Vietnamese Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh writes: We are here
to awaken from the illusion of our separateness. I have a limiting
belief that prevents me from totally embracing this truth. Its the
limiting belief that I dont belong.
While few would suspect it, most of the time I feel like the odd
man out. Because of this limiting belief, there are times when I dont
feel connected, and connectedness is a basic human needjust like
air, water, and food.
Ive wondered why I hold on to the belief. What is the benefit?
Perhaps its that if I dont belong, then I am separate, maybe even
unique. And in our hyper-individualistic world being unique is a
highly regarded asset. Surpass the ordinary, become extraordinary,
and youre a star. But extraordinary exacts a great price. Stardom
separates us from others, and when we are disconnected from
community we are not living our best life.
Am I suggesting its best to hide your light under a bushel?
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Absolutely not! What I am saying is that Ive learned that when I

focus on my own success or stardom, I block connection, and
connection is the thing I most crave. When I pay attention to intention, focus on others, find empathy, and practice presence my light
shines brightest.
Piero Ferrucci in his book The Power of Kindness: The Unexpected
Benefits of Leading a Compassionate Life shares the beautiful Jewish
story of a good king who is dying. Before his weeping subjects, he
calls for an arrow and asks the weakest of them to break it. A frail
man steps forward and does so with ease. The king then asks for the
strongest of them to break a bundle of arrows bound together.
Despite all the strongest mans efforts, he cannot do it. The king
says to his subjects, As my legacy, I bequeath to you the union
among you all. Be united with one another. This oneness will give
you great strength, which alone you would never be able to attain.
In this age of individualism perhaps we are missing the gift of
our inheritance: our unity. When we recognize we are all one, we lead
stronger, kinder, and more fulfilled lives.
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Review
In this chapter you learned how connection could well become the
next currency; that fear keeps us from connecting; and that judging
and projecting are connection breakers. You also learned why it
makes good sense to give people a second chance, and four tools for
building stronger connections: seeing the best in people, focusing
on the other, finding empathy, and practicing presence. Finally, we
discussed the great universal truth: We are one.
about becoming connected to others?
1.
2.
3.
After reviewing this chapter, what would you like to:

Stop?
Start?
Continue?
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CHAPTER 6
Connect to
Your Higher Power
G R O W I N G U P in the fifties, I was taught to never talk about poli-
tics or religion unless with a trusted friend. These subjects are just
too loaded, my mother explained. I am going to go against
Mothers advice. (It wont be the first time.) Further, Im going to
share many of my personal beliefs. Some of them you may agree
with; others not. Thats fine. Connection to your higher power is
personal stuff. My intention is only to invite you to consider four
ideas:
1. Youre wired to believe in something bigger than
yourself. Whatever you call it, connecting to your higher
power or purpose, or something else, it will help you
become your best self and live your best life.
2. Like most matters of the heart, one size does not fit all.
Define your spiritual outlook, and give yourself permission to believe what you believe.
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3. Fuel your faith. Make time to connect with your belief

system though prayer, being in nature, meditating, or
whatever works best for you. Youll find that the more
connected you are with your higher power, the richer
life becomes.
4. Practice your faith. Identify your spiritual personality
and find the path or paths that are most comfortable
for you.
Another Form of Intelligence

In the previous chapters we explored the first two elements of
connection: connecting to yourself and connecting to others. Both
compose what we call emotional intelligence, or EQ. The phrase
emotional intelligence was popularized by Daniel Goleman in
1995 after he published a book by the same title. In his book, Goleman made the case that star performers are not only smart, they
have strong intrapersonal skills. In this chapter, well discuss yet
another intelligenceone thats receiving quite a bit of buzz these
daysspiritual intelligence.
My favorite definition of spiritual intelligence comes from clinical psychologist and Harvard Medical School faculty member
Richard N. Wolman, PhD: ...the human capacity to ask ultimate
questions about the meaning of life, and to simultaneously experience the seamless connection between each of us and the world in
which we live.
Spiritual intelligence is the central and most fundamental of
all the intelligences, because it becomes the source of guidance for
the other(s) observes bestselling business author Stephen Covey.
An increasing number of corporations, including Nokia, Coca-Cola,
Hewlett-Packard, Merck Pharmaceuticals, and Starbucks concur
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with Covey and are using models to develop and measure it. They
are discovering the many benefits of spiritual intelligence.
The Benefits of Spiritual Intelligence

Spiritual intelligence is considered an excellent predictor of happiness, serenity, self-esteem, and harmonious and loving relationships. People who possess it:
Find meaning in lifes events.
See the beauty in life.
Create authentic lives.
Increase harmony in their relationships through

compassion.
Possess a big picture perspective that helps them

transcend everyday worries.
Additionally, more than twelve hundred research studies reveal

that those who identify themselves as being religious or spiritual:
Are happier.
Experience lower rates of stress and depression.
Have lower rates of substance abuse, including smoking.
Achieve higher academic credentials.
Sleep better.
Have more stable marriages.
Have lower sexual promiscuity.
Are hospitalized less and require fewer medical services.
Require less long-term care.
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As youths, enjoy better mental health and less delinquency.
As seniors, experience higher levels of forgiveness.
Three Steps for Developing

Spiritual Intelligence
Many ask if spiritual intelligence can be developed. Absolutely!
I advocate a three-step process.
1. Define your connection, or your spiritual outlook.
2. Find ways you can strengthen your connection with
your higher power, purpose, or ideal, whether that
includes prayer, meditation, or spending time in nature.
3. Seek ways to use your connection to be of service in
the world.
Step One: Define Your Spiritual Outlook

Throughout this chapter I use the term higher power. Higher
power is used in twelve-step programs, such as Alcoholics Anonymous, to describe "a power greater than yourself." Although many
twelve-step participants equate their higher power with God, a belief
in God or in formal religion is not mandatory.
Most Americans believe in a higher power. A study released in
2008 on Americans religious beliefs revealed that 92 percent believe
in God or a universal spirit, including one in five of those who call
themselves atheists or agnostics. I suspect that if you expand your
definition of higher power to include a principle, philosophy, or
core value, that number gets even larger. For example, I have a friend
who considers himself an atheist, yet he believes in the principle of
truth. Truth is his higher power.
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I believe all of us have an innate need to believe in something

anythinglarger than ourselves. I also believe that each of us has our
own unique belief system. Belief.net has a fun exercise that
compares your personal beliefs with a number of world religions.
Even though I grew up in the Episcopal Church, I showed up as a
Reform Jew. A friend, who is a faithful Methodist, ranked as a
Mormon and then a Jehovahs Witness. We got a good giggle, but
the exercise proved an important point: each of us has his or her
unique spiritual outlook. Even those of us who belong to the same
religion have different perspectives.
Sometimes, its hard to give ourselves permission to believe in
what we believe in.
I guess thats why they call it Catholic guilt, one friend
commented. But I still feel bad about not going to confession.
Whats so funny is that I dont even believe in confession.
I grew up on fire and brimstone sermons about hell and
damnation, another friend shared. Despite my upbringing, I
always believed in a loving God, but it wasnt until my forties that I
found the courage to leave the church and find a place to worship
that matched my beliefs.
Determining your spiritual outlook is one of the primary developmental tasks of the second half of life. Fifty years ago, Carl Jung
wrote:
Among my patients in the second half of lifethat is to say, over
thirty-fivethere has not been one whose problem in the last resort
was not that of finding a spiritual outlook on life. It is safe to say that
every one of them fell ill because he had lost what the living religions
of every age have given their followers, and none of them has been
really healed who did not regain his spiritual outlook.
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THE INSPIRED LIFE
I was forty when I found my spiritual outlook. As a child, I

attended Atlantas Episcopal cathedral. Located in the heart of
Buckhead, its rough stone bell tower stands guard over Atlantas
silver finger bowl.
Church played a significant role in my childhood. At the cathedral, I learned leadership skills and developed confidence that stayed
with me. In my twenties, I considered the priesthood but began to
question if I had been called. Something just didnt feel right.
Just before I married, I changed churches and became active in a
downtown Episcopal church known for its urban ministry. Sunday
after Sunday, I attended services. On my knees I prayed to a whitebearded man in heaven, but like an itch that cant be scratched, I was
not satisfied. All I knew was organized religion. While my true
beliefs played softly in the background, church dogma was all I
allowed myself to hear.
When I came out, I also came out spiritually. By giving myself
permission to be who I was, I could now acknowledge what I
believed. Despite my rectors support, I stopped going to church
after my divorce. In self-imposed exile, far away from others opinions, I began to take ownership of what I truly believed.
No more Mom and Dad religion. No more sitting on hard pews
searching for Santa Claus gods. Leaving behind what seemed to me
Norman Rockwell religion, I was free to embrace a spirituality that
was uniquely my own.
My faith is now a fusion of Christianity, Eastern philosophy, and
New Age. I believe in the god within. I see God in nature, in everything and everyone I meet. The secular is one with the sacred. I
search for God in every breath I take.
I now understand how love and God work together. By becoming more accepting of myself, I became less judgmental. By becom-
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ing less judgmental, I could open my heart to others, and by opening my heart to others I became closer to God. I was free to love
unconditionally, and to love unconditionally is the highest call in life.
A. H. Almaas writes in his book The Unfolding Now: Realizing Your
True Nature through the Practice of Presence: All of the inner journey, all
of spiritual practice, ultimately comes down to this: that we are able
to be genuinely what we are.
What do you believe? For most of us, its a hard question to
answer. Perhaps youve been raised in one faith but practice another.
Are you a Baptist who thinks of herself as a Buddhist? Or maybe you
believe there is no god and subscribe to a higher ideal instead, such
as love. Maybe a twelve-step program is your religion, or perhaps
nature connects you with the divine. It makes no difference. Whatever path you choose is not important; what is important is that you
choose a path.
Can you clearly articulate your personal theology? If not, you are
not alone. If thats the case for you, answer these questions and see if
you can find clarity.
Do you believe in God?
If so, what does God look like to you? Is God a he

or a she? Spirit? Love? Light? Maybe God is simply
the mystery.
If you dont believe in God is there a higher ideal by which

you live your life?
Now ask yourself, what is the primary message of your

god or ideal? I believe that most religions have a similar
message and thats love.
Are you a little clearer on your spiritual point of view? If not,

keep reading.
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Step Two: Fuel Your Faith

As in any relationship, your relationship with your higher power or
purpose must be nurtured. How do you fuel your faith?
The older I get, the more I like communicating with my higher
power. Its like being with the person who loves you most and always
has your best interest at heart. In the Sufi tradition, there are three
ways of communicating with Mystery: prayer, mediation, and
conversation. Lets look at all three.
Americans pray even more than they go to church. According to
a composite of surveys, 94 percent of blacks, 91 percent of women,
87 percent of whites, and 85 percent of men regard themselves as
people who pray regularly. Some 78 percent pray at least once per
week, and 57 percent pray daily. Even among the 13 percent of the
population who call themselves agnostics or atheists, some 20
percent pray daily.
Its unusual to spot a car in Asheville without at least one
bumper sticker. Folks around here like to make statements. Theres
one you see quite a bit. It reads We Still Pray.
In 1 Thessalonians 5:17, the Apostle Paul directs us to pray
without ceasing. Ive been wondering what life would be like if I
lived it as a prayer. Recently, I wrote about it in my journal; this is
what I wrote:
If life were a prayer God would be with me always. But God is with
me now; God is with me always.
If life were a prayer, Id pray without ceasing. Id be my best self; Id
live my best life. Not really.
My feet would not be as firmly planted on the ground. I wouldnt
interact much with others; my heart might never expand. And where
would service be? Action must have its place.
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No, its enough to take time throughout the day to stop, be silent,
and still.
Be still and know God is.
Be still and know I am.
Be still and know we are here together.
Like tuning into a heavenly radio station, I have only to turn the
dial...and listen.
One of the ways I believe we listen is through meditation. I resisted meditation for years. I dont anymore.
Some years ago, I rented a studio apartment in Washington,
D.C., and began dividing my time between Asheville and Washington. One Tuesday night, my friend Penny invited me to go with her
to a meditation group lead by author Tara Bach. I reluctantly
agreed. I had tried meditation, but found it too difficult. I am so
restless that coworkers use to call me Hyper Hank.
I dont know if it was Tara Bach, being with one hundred other
meditators, the right time, or all these factors, but I loved it. Whenever I was in Washington on a Tuesday night, I made a point to go.
Since then I have learned there are many ways to meditate. Some
include focusing on breath, emptying the mind, using mantras, and
walking. I believe almost any activity can become meditation as long
as youre intentional and practice conscious breathing. Whatever
form meditation takes, it offers measurable benefits.
I read once that there have been more than six hundred scientific
studies conducted at two hundred independent universities and
institutions in thirty-five countries on the benefits of meditation.
Meditation benefits our physiological, psychological, sociological,
and spiritual being.
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THE INSPIRED LIFE
Those who meditate regularly report:

Stronger intuitive capability
Inner sense of assurance or knowingness, oneness,

and unconditional love
Deeper understanding of The Infinite
Overall experience of well-being
Enhanced psychic abilities
Deeper understanding and fulfillment of purpose
Meditation is an excellent means for strengthening your connection to your higher power or purpose. If you are not currently meditating, I highly recommend that you research a form of meditation
that works for you and commit to it.
Wouldnt it be great to have a conversation with your higher
power? Its not as far-fetched as it might sound.
Sometimes my higher power and I have active conversations.
These conversations mostly take place in my journal. Heres how our
dialogs go:
RS: God, can we talk?
HP (Higher Power): Of course, we can. Ive been waiting for you.
RS: Thank you. Its nice to know youre always there.
HP: Youre welcome.
RS: I need your advice on. . . .
HP: What do you think you should do?
RS: Well. . . .
HP: Thats one way of looking at it. Have you thought about. . . ?
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RS: No, but I will. Thank you.

HP: You are welcome.
Its a polite exchange and almost always insightful. Sometimes,
Im tempted to ignore my higher powers wise counsel, thinking its
just my imagination. Then I have to admit that regardless of where
it comes from, its good advice. Id be foolish not to pay attention.
In addition to prayer, meditation, and conversation, here are
two additional ways to strengthen your connection to your higher
power. The first is to identify your personal portals. Where do you
feel closest to the Divine? Church, synagogue, nature, with friends
and loved ones, or listening to great music? For me, its nature. My
friend Beverly connects to the Divine when she says Shema Yisreal, a
Jewish prayer that harnesses breath. What about you? When do you
feel closest to the Source?
The second way to connect to your higher power is trust. A
friend once said, Randy, everything youve accomplished in your
life youve achieved by sheer force of will. At the time, I took it as a
compliment; I wouldnt today.
As I shared earlier, I am learning to trust in the divine order of
things. As the Bible says, To every thing there is season and a time
to every purpose under heaven. I am taking its message to heart.
Even when things dont go my way, I trust there is a reason why.
In most cases, theres a lesson if I only look for it. For example, often
when I am sick its a reminder that I need to slow down and take
better care of myself.
Step Three: Practice Your Faith

According to the International Center for Spirit at Work there are
two dimensions to spirituality: vertical and horizontal. The vertical
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path is your belief in something greater than yourself. As we have

discussed, religion is just one path. Others include nature, art,
science, and philosophy. The horizontal path is service.
Well now discuss the horizontal pathserviceor how you
practice your faith. Just as your beliefs are unique to you, so are the
ways in which you express them. Ive found two tools particularly
helpful. The first is J. L. Hollands six spiritual personality types, and
the second is Peter Tufts Richardsons work linking the MyersBriggs Indicator to four spiritual journeys. See what you think.
J. L. Holland identified six spiritual personality types. Holland
believed that most adults identify with at least three types. By
understanding your mix, you can identify how to best put your faith
to work in the world.
1. Conventional Type or The Path of Duty. This path is
focused on serving the community. Travelers on this
path identify and follow their lifes purpose with great
commitment. Many associate with a specific organization; these people tirelessly work for a nonprofit organization or cause. Former president Jimmy Carter is a
conventional type.
2. Social Type, The Path of Nurturing. This path is about
loving, nurturing, and protecting. The Mother Goddess
is its archetype. People on this path include parents,
teachers, nurses, therapists, and others who reach out to
others with acceptance and compassion. Mother Teresa
was an excellent example of this type.
3. Investigative Type, The Path of Knowledge. Most people
on this path are scholars, scientists, or those who have an
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intense love of learning. Einstein and Jung were most

likely investigative types.
4. Artistic Type, The Path of Personal Transformation.
The primary task of this path is personal and transpersonal integration. Travelers on this path seek to explore
their depth to create a harmonious whole. Healers,
shamans, artists, writers, poets, and the like compose
this type. The great saint-poets Rumi and Kabir were
members of this tribe.
5. Realistic Type, The Path of Brotherhood. This group
personifies the virtues of the hero. Their mission in life
is to pursue the path of brotherhood and justice. I would
suspect that many great military leaders are members of
this type.
6. Enterprising Type, The Path of Servanthood. Truly
great leaders are servant-leaders; they put the good of
society above their own good and take society in new
directions. Buddha and Jesus were such leaders.
As a trainer and coach, I identify with paths two, four, and six:
the paths of nurturing, personal transformation, and servanthood.
Which paths do you identify with most?
The Myers-Briggs Indicator is another means for exploring how
to practice your faith.
In his book The Four Spiritualities: Expression of Self, Expression of
Spirit, Peter Tufts Richardson identifies four spiritual journeys and
links them to the Myers-Briggs. Even if you dont know your MyersBriggs type, I think youll find Peter Tufts Richardsons work
insightful. The four journeys are:
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1. The Journey of Unity
Spiritual Intuitive Thinker
NT
2. The Journey of Devotion Spiritual Sensing Feeler
SF
3. The Journey of Works
ST
Spiritual Sensing Thinker
4. The Journey of Harmony Spiritual Intuitive Feeler
NF
Read over each, and see which one resonates with you.
The Journey of Unity is composed of those who:
Seek consistent, universal principles that bind life and

nature into one.
Search for truth and clarity.
Concentrate on bringing about systemic change to better

the world.
This journey is most common among those who are intuitive

thinkers on the Myers-Briggs Indicator. According to Richardson,
the journey of unity is represented by teachers such as the Buddha,
Socrates, and Margaret Fuller. These men and women seek clarity
and social justice through the search for truth, universal principles,
and mystical experience.
The Journey of Devotion is taken by those who:
Respond to myths and relate them to personal experience.
Respond directly to human need.
People who are sensor feelers on the Myers-Briggs Indicator

identify with this journey. Mohammed, Ramakrishna, and Mother
Teresa exemplify this path. They focus on the immediacy of direct
experience, piety, and hands-on service to others.
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The Journey of Works appeals to those who:

Seek a clear idea of right and wrong.
Accept responsibility and stewardship.
Find meaning in work.
As an ESTJ (extrovert, sensor, thinking, judging) on the MyersBriggs scale I identify with this journey. Im in good company.
Moses, Confucius, and social activist Julie Ward Howe have been
fellow travelers on the journey of works. For us, work is spiritual
practice, and stewardship is our ethical focus.
The Journey of Harmony is common among those who:
Pursue balance in their lives at multiple levels.
Question to understand.
Espouse high ideals.
Focus on relationships.
Intuitive feelers relate to the journey of harmony. Examples

include Jesus, Rabindranath Tagore, and Lao-tzu. Those who
choose this journey embark on a quest for self-actualization while
fostering mystic gratitude, healing, idealism, and a concern for
humane processes in human relationships.
Which journey do you most identify with? If you know your
Myers-Briggs type, does it match?
(If youd like more information on Myers-Briggs and spiritual
personality, an additional resource is Looking at Type and Spirituality
by Sandra Krebs Hirsh and Jane A. G. Kise.)
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Review
In this chapter, we reviewed the benefits of spiritual intelligence,
defined spiritual outlook, and discussed prayer, meditation, active
conversation, and four additional tools to fuel faith. Additionally,
we talked about two tools to put your faith into practice: spiritual
typology and Myer-Briggs.
about becoming connected to your higher power?
1.
2.
3.
After looking over this chapter, what would you like to:
Stop?
Start?
Continue?
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III
PA R T I I I
T HE S ECOND C :
C ONTRIBUTION
THE INSPIRED LIFE
Victor Frankl, Carl Jung, Abraham Maslow, and other great thinkers
taught that one of the most basic of human needs, right up there
with the need for food, water, and love, is the need for meaning. We
want to know that our lives matter. We want to know that we have a
unique purpose, we are living it, and making a contribution.
Sir Laurens van der Poste spent a great deal of time collecting
the stories of the Kalahari Bushmen. Heres one of them that speaks
to meaning; it comes from the Mickey Lemle film Hasten Slowly.
The Bushmen in the Kalahari Desert talk about two hungers.
There is the Great Hunger and there is the Little Hunger. The Little
Hunger wants food for the belly; but the Great Hunger, the greatest
hunger of all, is the hunger for meaning. Theres ultimately only one
thing that makes human beings deeply and profoundly bitter, and
that is to have thrust upon them a life without meaning.
In Part II, you learned about the first c: connection, specifically
connection to your self, others, and to your higher power. In the
next chapter, well explore the second c: contribution and how it
can help you live a life of meaning by focusing on what matters
most.
Youll learn that purpose and contribution are intimately
linked. In this chapter, Ill share with you several tools for discovering your purpose, including:
Four paths to purpose
Five components of purpose
A simple formula from Jack Canfield for creating a

purpose statement
A litmus test to determine if you have found your purpose
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CHAPTER 7
Discover
Your Lifes Purpose
W E I N T H E W E S T seem to place our emphasis on goals, while
many people in less developed countries put their focus on purpose.

This probably accounts for why those living in less developed countries are happier and more fulfilled than we are in the West.
When you have a strong sense of purpose, you are confident and
convicted, and you are your most powerful as a leader, communicator, and person. You are your best self.
When you are doing your lifes work you arent motivated by
power, money, or prestige but by the joys of self-expression and service. You are doing what you were meant to do. You are fulfilling your
destiny, building your legacy, and living your best life.
I had breakfast with a dear friend who heads up an international
AIDS fund in Washington, D.C. She had just returned from a fourweek tour in Africa. While there, she spoke to group of one hundred
clergy about AIDS. What was supposed to be a forty-five-minute
speech turned into a three-hour dialog.
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Many told her later that this was the first time they had
discussed the issue so openly and with so much candor. She
reported, I fell into bed that evening exhausted, but exhilarated. I
was so grateful for the opportunity I had been given. My friend is
living her life with purpose. Shes one of the lucky ones.
Survey after survey shows that an overwhelming percentage of
workers find little or no meaning in their careers. One Gallup survey
concluded that 58 percent of men and 54 percent of women dont
feel engaged at work. Business psychologists, consultants, speakers,
and authors share all manner of theories on how to motivate
employees, yet few seem to understand what people really want. I
hear it from clients everyday: people want a sense of personal
purpose. They crave calling as well as careers.
For most of us, purpose is not something that is revealed
through a burning bush. Instead, we stumble onto our lifes
purpose. An impulse may lead us to a new place, and that new place
leads us towards another, until eventually we find a spot that feels
right. This spot is our purpose, and it often turns out to be a place
we never considered or envisioned.
There are hundreds of books available on how to mine
mission, and they tout a wide variety of methods including journaling, art, and creative visualization. But in my experience, its hard to
extract purpose. To find our purpose we have to gently hold the
tension between seeking and allowing.
Four Paths to Purpose

There is no formula for discovering purpose that works for everyone, but these four guidelines have helped my clients identify theirs.
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DISCOVER YOUR LIFES PURPOSE
Path One: Listen

The root of the word vocation is vox (Latin for voice). To find your
true vocation, you have to listen to your inner voice. You have your
own internal GPS. Stay attuned to life, and youll know if you are on
the right road. Joseph Campbell writes, Follow your bliss and doors
will open where there were no doors before. I usually know I am
headed in the right direction when I am feeling good and things are
falling into place. If not, I take note and regroup.
To tune into your internal GPS, pay attention to hunches,
synchronicities, life events, physical sensations, illnesses, emotions,
other people, and dreams. As we discussed earlier, look for the
messages they may bring. Pay particular attention to those times
that you feel happy, fulfilled, engaged, and connected. Go with this
energy and youll be guided to the next best place.
Path Two: Act

Inventor, designer, and philosopher R. Buckminster Fuller is quoted
in Lucia Capacchiones book Visioning: Ten Steps to Designing the Life of
Your Dreams as saying, What you actually do within twenty-four
hours of having a creative idea will spell the difference between
success and failure. To dream is not enough; we have to do something with the dream. For me, doing starts by putting the idea in
writing. Every year, I write a business plan, and I revise it whenever I
get a new idea. I add a new goal along with the action steps to implement it.
Path Three: Remain Open

Not only do we have to do something with our dreams, we have to
be open and not tied to a particular outcome. We have to surrender,
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and we have to trust. I have found that finding purpose is often a

circuitous route; one path leads to another, and failures often lead
to ultimate success.
Size doesnt matter. Purpose doesnt have to be grand. While
researching this book, I ran across Rabbi Jeffrey K. Salkins wonderful story of a powerful conversation he had with a young cab driver
on his way to John F. Kennedy Airport on Long Island. Here is Rabbi
Salkins account:
So, rabbi, the cab driver asked while we sat in heavy traffic,
what do you say to a Jew like me who hasnt been in a synagogue
since his bar mitzvah ceremony?
Thinking a moment, I recalled that in Hasidic lore, the ball aqalah
(wagon driver) is an honored profession. So I said, We could talk
about your work.
What does my work have to do with religion?
Well, we choose how we look at the world and at life. Youre a taxi
driver. But you are also a piece of the tissue that connects all of
humanity. Youre taking me to the airport. Ill go to a different city
and give a couple of lectures that might touch or help or change
someone. I couldnt have gotten there without you. Your help made
that connection happen.
I heard on your two-way radio that after you drop me off, youre
going to pick up a woman from the hospital and take her home.
That means that youll be the first non-medical person she encounters after being in the hospital. You will be a small part of her
healing process, an agent in her re-entry into the world of health.
You may then pick up someone from the train station who has
come home from seeing a dying parent. You may take someone to
the house of the one that he or she will ask to join in marriage.
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Youre a connector, a bridge builder. Youre one of the unseen people

who make the world work as well as it does. This is holy work. You
may not think of it this way, but yours is a sacred mission.
Path Four: Be Patient

Even Moses had to wander around the desert awhile before he stumbled upon the burning bush. One of my dearest friends, Penny, was
going through a tough time. She was in her mid-fifties, looking for a
job but not having much success. Five months into the job search,
she was discouraged. I understood her frustration. Her credentials
are excellent, she is a team player, and few have a stronger work
ethic. Regardless, nothing seemed to be working out for her.
I dont understand, Randy, she lamented. Im doing all the
right things; why doesnt the right job just come?
Im not sure, I replied, but it seems to me that it aint ready yet.
I then shared the story of Jake McCord. Jake was a well-known
folk artist who lived near Augusta, Georgia. Considered by some to
be mentally challenged, Jake was a talented artist and his work is
sought after by many folk art dealers and collectors, including me.
When Jake finished a painting, he put it in his front yard to
season. When collectors and dealers tried to purchase a painting
before it had properly seasoned, Jake shook his head from side to
side and firmly said, It aint ready yet.
When things dont go according to my schedule, rather than
rush a decision to sooth my anxiety, I remember Jakes wise words. I
say, It aint ready yet. I then repeat a very simple mantra that I
wrote many years ago: Patience, trust, and surrender. These two
sayings give me serenity.
Penny awoke one morning in December knowing that it was
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ton, D.C., looking for apartments and interviewing for information;

within days, she landed a fantastic job organizing events around the
presidential inauguration. When she called me to share her good
news I could almost hear Jake McCord saying, Its ready now.
Five Components of Purpose

There are five components of purpose:
1. Authenticity
2. Service
3. Passion
4. Skills
5. Wounding
Lets review each in detail.
Component One: Authenticity

Its been said that we cannot decide our calling; we can only decide
against it. I agree. Purpose is like a seed planted within us at our
birth, and it is our destiny, or our chief task in life, to uncover,
nurture, and harvest it.
Purpose unfolds as we unfold, and our purpose is intricately tied
to living an authentic life; only when we live authentically can/does
purpose reveal itself. we begin and end in authenticity, and in
between, our task is to find ways to make that authenticity relevant
to the world, writes Parker J. Palmer in Let Your Life Speak: Listening
for the Voice of Vocation.
The search for authentic self is only one step toward discovering
our purpose. Self must then be put into service for others.
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Component Two: Service

I meet many men and women who are unhappy with their lives
because they feel their lives lack meaning. I tell them the solution is
relatively simpleserve.
The juice of life is found in meaning, and meaning is found in
service. Albert Schwietzer wrote: I do not know what your destiny
will be, but one thing I do know: the only ones among you who will
be really happy are those who have sought and found how to serve.
Theres an old fable about the creation of the world. It said
theres an angel who whispers a message to each soul who comes to
earth, a message of instruction about what each soul is supposed to
do with his or her life. While most thought the angels message was
complicated, it was actually very simple. It consisted of one word
give.
Component Three: Passion

According to Laurence G. Boldt, author of Zen and the Art of Making a
Living, we are in the midst of an emerging social movement: the
movement to find work we love. Just as we once shifted from familyarranged marriages to love-based marriages, we now seek work that
fulfills us, rather than work that is simply a means to an end.
That said, recent surveys tell us that most of us are unhappy at
work. What about you? Are you bored and uninspired at work? Do
you have a nagging feeling that youre here to fulfill some purpose,
but you arent sure what it is?
If these questions ring your bell, pay attention. Ignoring their
call can affect your emotional, spiritual, and physical well-being.
Recent studies show that unhappiness at work is the number one
risk factor for heart disease over smoking, high cholesterol, and
hypertension.
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A friend once posed the question: What would your life be like
if you were to simply follow your energy? In his question, I found a
compass for my calling. Whether its called energy, enthusiasm,
passion, or love makes little difference to me; its all the same. When
I follow it, I am in the flow. The right situations, people, and
resources come forward; I am following my bliss.
If you long for work that brings bliss, listen. Your internal alarm
is trying to wake you. Wake up. Its time for a change.
What are you passionate about, and can you harness that
passion to find a life of meaning? Here are four questions to help
you connect with your passion and bring more power and purpose
to your work and life:
1. What do you love most about your work? What
makes you want to go to work in the morning?
2. What percentage of time do you spend doing
these things?
3. Is there anything you would rather be doing and
if so what is it?
4. What new ideas, information, technologies, or
possibilities attract you now?
Component Four: Skills

Aristotle said finding ones purpose is merely a matter of knowing
where ones talents and the needs of the world intersect. As we
discussed in Chapter 3, past evaluations and a variety of psychological instruments including the Myers-Briggs Indicator, the Birkman
System, and the Enneagram can be valuable in identifying your
skills. Also helpful is the book StrengthsFinder 2.0 by Tom Rath. (The
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book contains an identification number that allows you to take the

StrengthsFinder profile on the internet.)
Business coach and author Laura Berman Fortgang suggests
that we look not so much at what we have done as what weve been.
She suggests asking:
What have employees and coworkers come to rely on

me for?
How have people used me? Who have I been for them
(for example, truth teller, catalyst, creative person,
or advisor)?
What roles do I play most often (teacher, sage, rebel,

healer, nurturer, voice of reason)?
Finally she recommends asking five people (professionally/

personally) who they see us being to others and how they see us
making a difference.
Component Five: Wounding

Some find lifes purpose through their wounding. Psychologists tell
us each stage of life has its own tasks or skills to be mastered; each
has it own set of nurturing needs. Depending on the degree to
which those needs are not met, you may suffer wounding, and youll
carry this wound throughout life until it is healed.
For some of us, helping others in the area of our wounding helps
facilitate healing. For example, one of my greatest wounds is feeling
I am not lovable for who I am. As a result, I feel flawed. Today, my
mission is to help others stand in their power by becoming the full
expression of all they are. Through this work, I am experiencing my
own healing.
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Two close friends are also finding healing through their lifes
purpose. When one friend learned her young daughter had juvenile
diabetes, she became an advocate for eradicating this awful disease.
Another friend was estranged from her two adult sons. She is
now spearheading a movement to shine light on what she calls, the
last family issue still in the closet. She gives speeches, places stories,
and has even created a social networking site for estranged families
with the hope of bringing attention to this issue, finding research
funding, and helping families alleviate the shame.
Write Your Purpose Statement

If youve examined authenticity, service, passion, skills, and wounding and youre still not sure of your purpose, try this elegant exercise
from Jack Canfield.
List two of your unique personal qualities. (Mine are creativity
and communications skills.)
__________________________
__________________________
List one or two ways you enjoy expressing those qualities when
interacting with others. (Mine are to inspire and empower.)
__________________________
__________________________
Assume the world is a perfect place. What does this world look
like? How does everyone interact with everyone else? Write your
answer as a statement, in the present tense, describing the perfect
world as you see and feel it. (My example: Everyone stands in their
power by becoming the full expression of all they are.)
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
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Combine all these elements into a paragraph or simple statement. (Mine is: My purpose is to use my creativity and communications skills to inspire and empower others to stand in their power by
becoming the full expression of all they are.)
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
One Last Exercise

If youre still having trouble writing your purpose statement, heres
one more exercise from Steve Pavlina. Steve hosts one of the most
popular personal development websites in the world, boasting close
to two million visitors per month. On it, he claims anyone can find
his or her life purpose within twenty minutes with this simple exercise.
1. Take out a blank sheet of paper and a pen or open your
computer (I prefer the latter because its faster).
2. Write at the top, What is my true purpose in life?
3. Write an answer (any answer) that pops into your head.
It doesnt have to be a complete sentence. A short phrase
is fine.
4. Repeat Step 3 until you write the answer that makes you
cry. This is your purpose.
If after working these exercises, you are still unsure of your
purpose, be patient. Most callings are revealed gradually and only
when we are ready to receive them. Even so, we get a little closer to
discovering our mission each time we make a choice to be authentic.
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Most likely, your purpose statement will require several drafts.

Ask several trusted friends to review it. Sometimes just presenting
our purpose to others will help us find more clarity.
A Litmus Test for Purpose

Youll know you hit on the right purpose for you when it:
Is emotional, motivational, and inspirational. Has heart.

(Some clients eyes well up with tears as they read me
their purpose statement.)
Provides value to others.
Is relevant to all aspects of your life.
Has staying power; is enduring.
Is unique to you and your strengths.
Reflects the authentic you.
If you find that most of these are true for you, you have your
purpose statement!
Your Inner Purpose

Author Eckhart Tolle suggests that we have an external and internal
purpose. The external one deals with what, or our actions; the
internal goal deals with how. James M. Kouzes and Barry Posner in
A Leaders Legacy explain: When we move on, people will remember
us for what we did for them, not what we did. Theyll remember us
for keeping them warm, not for building the biggest fire.
How you do something is as important as what you do, and how
you do it is determined by your attitude. Jungian analyst and author
Robert Johnson shares a memorable story in his book Living Your
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Unlived Life: Coping with Unrealized Dreams and Fulfilling Your Purpose in
the Second Half of Life. The story is set in medieval times.
A man sees a laborer pushing a wheelbarrow and asks him what
he is doing. The laborer replies, Cant you see, Im pushing a
wheelbarrow. Later the man sees another laborer pushing a wheelbarrow, and he asks him the same question. Im doing the work of
God; Im building Chartres Cathedral, the second laborer replies.
I ask myself, Do I want to give workshops and coach executives,
or do I want to help professionals stand in their power by becoming
the full expression of all they are? The answers a no-brainer. The
second approach carries much more juice.
How do you write an internal purpose statement? Your core
values are a good starting point. Review yours in Chapter 2. Lets say
your top three core values are kindness, fairness, and respect. Your
statement could read: My personal mission is to treat everyone
with whom I come in contact with kindness, fairness, and respect.
Consider simplifying your internal statement as one of my
clients did. Her internal purpose statement is: I want to become the
woman I want my daughter to grow up to be.
Sometimes your internal and external purposes are the same. A
dear friend of mine recently shared with a close group of friends,
including myself, his struggle to define his purpose. We were
surprised he didnt know.
Your purpose is obvious to us, we told him. Its how you live
your life. Each of us then went on to explain how he has inspired us
to live a more conscious life.
You may be thinking: Its easy for you to talk about finding
your purpose, but Im worried about paying the mortgage and
putting food on the table. Its time to be both philosophical and
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practical. Lets now look at how contribution can work in the new
economy.
Contribution and The New Economy

Few havent been negatively impacted by the new economy. Many
have been brought to their knees and are feeling frightened.
The phone isnt ringing, and the banks arent answering my calls.
If I dont get a loan, I could lose my house.
I am making half of what I made two years ago, and Im working
four times harder.
I am trying to stay positive, but its getting tougher. I am treading
water, but tiring fast. If this keeps up, its just a matter of time
before I drown.
What once worked, no longer works, and change is scary. Many
keep on keeping onnose to the grindstonehoping the market
will turn around before they deplete their savings. Others dont have
that luxury. Theyve lost their jobs, drained their savings, and are
fast running out of options.
To these men and women concentrating on contribution seems
ludicrous. Charity begins at home, and my home is increasingly
looking like a charity, one client shared.
I wish I had an easy silver-bullet solution, but I dont. My own
practice has suffered over the past two years. That said, this I know:
the secret to navigating the new economyfor that matter, any
economyis to look for the magical place where your mission and
the market meet.
My friend Eric is a great example of how this principle can work.
Eric ran one of the finest restaurants in Asheville, The Savoy. The by-
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reservation, white-tablecloth restaurant was known regionallyif

not nationallyas one of Ashevilles finest culinary experiences, and
its prices reflected its blue-ribbon reputation. When the economy
tanked and business began to wane, Eric responded.
He reformatted the restaurant into a lower-priced, family-style
neighborhood restaurant, Vinnies, and the place is now packed.
Eric knows his mission: to serve good food to good people. Eric
took his passion and purpose and adapted it to the market, and now
hes enjoying success.
The clearer we are about mission and market, the greater the
chances that the right people, places, situations, and resources will
find us. Hard work may be required, but it wont feel like a struggle.
Well have good days and days that arent so good, but well feel
joyful most of the time. We can trust that when we stay clear the
universe will provide.
That all sounds well and good, but I still dont have a clue what
my mission is, a client complained. I was sympathetic. The best
advice I could offer comes from a quote from the great poet Ranier
Maria Rilke. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in
the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way
into the answer.
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Review
about contribution?
1.
2.
3.

Stop?
Start?
Continue?
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IV
PA R T I V
G OOD, B ETTER,
OR G REAT ?
THE INSPIRED LIFE
If you did nothing else but consciously chose connection and

contribution as your primary focuses in life that would be enough;
youd be well on your way to becoming your best self and living your
best life. But are you a person who would settle for good when you
can have great? I didnt think so.
Like a supercharger that boosts the power of an engine, four
principles have the potential to power up your life.
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CHAPTER 8
Four Power Chargers
Y O U V E L E A R N E D that who you become and the life you live
are shaped by what you focus on, and what you focus on is determined by what holds the most value to you. You also learned that
nothing is more important than connection and contribution. By
making these two Cs your primary focus, youll become your best
self and live your best life.
Throughout the book, Ive shared tactics on how to forge
stronger connections to yourself, others, and your higher power, as
well as how to contribute and live a life of meaning.
In this chapter, Ill share four power principles that will supercharge your power to connect and contribute:
1. Be present.
2. Intend love.
3. Be authentic.
4. Practice gratitude.
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Power Charger One: Be Present

Weve already talked a good bit about being present. Being awake to
the moment is crucial if you are going to connect with self, others,
and even your higher power. It is equally important if you are going
to make a real contribution to, and fully live in, this world.
In Chapter 2, you met your witness observer. You learned that
the more in touch you are with your witness observer the more present youll be to your life. In Chapter 5 on connecting with others, we
talked about the threat of thingifying people, the importance of
seeing people real, and four tips for how to be more present with
others.
Finally, in Chapter 7 we talked about how to discover your lifes
purpose. Few of us stumble onto a burning bush and find our calling; most of us will find purpose by being present to our lives.
Purpose is always about service, and when we are present in that
service, we do our best work. A. H. Almaas writes:
The more we are present where we are, the greater the sense of flow,
the sense that there is meaning to our experience, that a continuum
and unfolding are at play. So our life becomes meaningful because
not only are we in touch with the meaning of our life, we are being
the meaning of life.
Okay, youve convinced me, one workshop participant said.
Now tell me how I can be more present to my life and lifes work.
My answer was simple: awareness. The moment you think about
being present, you are present.
Power Charger Two: Intend Love

What you intend is what youll become. Your intentions have the
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FOUR POWER CHARGERS
power to dictate whether or not youll become your best self and live
your best life.
There are three things you should know about intention:
1. Theres a cause-effect relationship between intention
and the outcome of a communication.
2. If you have conflicting intentions, the strongest will
win out.
3. Your emotions reflect intention. By becoming aware
of your emotions, you can track your intentions. All
emotions can be distilled down to two: love and fear.
Ask yourself before beginning any important
communication or task, Am I coming from a place
of love or fear?
Lets look at each.
Intentions Influence Outcomes

Theres a cause-effect relationship between intention and the
outcome of a communication or event. Lets say that you and a
coworker disagree about a project you are working on together. You
call a meeting. Below are three intentions. Which intention is most
likely to result in a positive outcome?
Win her over to my side.
Find a solution thats best for the company.
Ensure our relationship stays in tact.
Youre right; its the third: ensure that the relationship stays
intact. People have highly attuned BS meters these days; they can
sense when we dont have their best interests at heart.
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Intention also plays a role when we disagree with our significant

others. When were focused on winning, we almost always lose. But
when we trust we can find a solution that meets both of our needs,
we can almost always resolve the problem peacefully. Plus, the allwin communication usually strengthens our relationships.
Intention is also important to remember if you feel yourself
getting angry at someone for something he/she did or said. When
you feel the hair on your back rise, look at the other person's intentionthe underlying aim. When I remember this practice, my attitude always softens.
Just recently, a friend suggested that it was time for me to give
away a jacket I was particularly fond of wearing. At first, I was indignant, but then I realized she had my best interest at heart. I really
didnt look as good as I thought I did in that jacket. (In fact, I looked
pretty ridiculous.) Instead of feeling angry, I was grateful that she
cared about me enough to say something, and instead of disconnecting we became closer.
Not too long ago I had to give a client some frank feedback on a
presentation he was giving. Later, I realized that I had been a little
harsh and apologized. He told me not to worry; he knew I had his
best interest at heart. Communications guru Dianna Booher was
right when she wrote, People will forgive you for poor judgment,
but rarely for poor intentions.
Trying to communicate effectively without being aware of intention is like trying to coach a football team without a playbook. Try
identifying your intention the next time you have a critical communication or before an important event. If you dont like the result,
try another intention until you choose the intention that creates the
consequence you want.
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The Strongest Intention Always Wins Out

I get the importance of intention, one workshop participant
shared. But what if you have more than one intention, and they are
at cross-purposes? Good question. Its common to have conflicting
intentions, and when we do the strongest always wins.
Again, intentions describe how you hope to meet the goal. Lets
say your assistant sends out an important document with several
typos in it. You need to talk to her about it. Your intention is to help
your assistant enhance her skills, and you have another intention: to
look good. The intention to look good is stronger so it wins out, and
the communication doesnt go as well as it would have if the first
intention had been stronger.
How do you identify all your intentions? Sometimes its impossible to identify all of our intentions; some intentions are unconscious. To identify all of our intentions we would have to intimately
know all the various aspects of ourselves, and few of us are that
self-aware.
Can we really manage our intentions? To be honest, its easier
said than done. The best advice I can offer is to do the best you can
to become aware of all your intentions and put your focus on the
one that is in line with your and everyone elses highest good.
Emotions Reflect Intentions

Emotions can help us track our intentions. Its been said that we
humans have only two emotions: love and fear. All other emotions
are subsets of these. Love and fear cannot coexist. You operate from
one or the other.
Before beginning any communication ask yourself, Am I
coming from a place of love or fear? If you are coming from fear,
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realign your intentions. Don Juan (Carlos Castaneda) once wrote,

Ask yourself, and yourself alone, one question: Does this path have
a heart? If it does, the path is good; if it doesnt, it is of no use.
Its rare that I give a workshop and dont hear at least one participant say, You seem to really love what you do. I do. Not only do I
love what I do, I do it best when Im able to come from a place
of love.
By loving clients unconditionally, I am able to create a safe
placea safe containerfor them to do their work. I am able to
envision their best selves and their best lives before they can, and I
hold that vision until they are ready to claim it for themselves.
Power Charger Three: Be Authentic

As we discussed earlier, your authentic self is like a seed planted at
birth, and one of your chief tasks is to uncover, nurture, and act
upon it. When you do, youll stand in your power and become the
full expression of all you are. A story that I share during my workshop Engineer Your Career illustrates this point:
Once upon a time, on a sunny spring day, a young lion and his
mother came upon a beautiful field. It was a lazy day, and the
mother lion lay down, yawned, and began to nap as her young
cub played nearby.
A yellow and blue butterfly caught the young lions attention.
Distracted, he chased it through the meadow and beyond, and before
he knew it he had traveled so far that he could not find his way back.
Terrified, he ran frantically in every direction crying out for his
mother, but she could not hear him.
A sheep whose offspring had been taken from her many years ago
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FOUR POWER CHARGERS
heard his pitiful cries, and her heart answered. She befriended the
young lion and gave him food and shelter.
The sheep became so fond of her new foundling that she adopted him.
And they lived oh so happily together.
Several years later, a magnificent lion appeared. Perched on top
of the mountain, he spotted the young lion at play. What he saw
was curious: a young lion acting like a sheep. He even bleated like
a sheep!
At dusk, the older lion crept down from the mountain and
captured the young lion. After marching his young hostage to the
pond at the foot of the mountain, he bent the cubs head over the
still water. Upon seeing his reflection, the young lion roared.
He was instantly transformed, as he knew who he was.
The word authentic comes from the Greek word meaning
master, or one who acts on his own authority. To act on your
own authority requires you to:
Accept who you are and where you are in your life.
(See Chapter 3, strategies for self-acceptance.)
Find the courage to speak the truth.

(See Chapter 4, four levels of truth telling.)
Live life according to your beliefs and values.

(See Chapter 2, core values; and Chapter 6, your personal
theology.)
I read once about an ancient Jewish teaching where a young man

kneels at the side of his mentors deathbed. With tears streaming
down his face, he looks into the fading eyes of his beloved rabbi and
asks, Are you afraid of dying? I only fear when The Holy asks The
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THE INSPIRED LIFE
One Great Question, the wise man weakly answers. The One Great
Question? the young man asks. Slowly, the rabbi raises his head
and whispers, Why werent you more yourself?
The fear of being our true selves is often rooted in childhood.
Well-meaning parents, teachers, siblings, and family friends encourage us to conform in ways not consistent with our essential nature.
When I think back on my childhood and where I might have gotten
derailed, one specific incident comes to mind.
I was in the fifth grade at the Westminster Schools, and had just
seen Rex Harrison perform in the traveling show of My Fair Lady at
Atlantas Theater Under the Stars.
Harrison played the role of Professor Higgins, a confirmed bachelor who transformed a cockney flower girl into an elegant duchess
by teaching her to talk and dress like a lady. I wanted to be Professor
Higgins.
The day following the play, I made an entrance into Mrs. Whitehead's homeroom wearing a gray wool cardigan, red felt vest with
brass buttons, and bright blue polyester dickey. I thought I looked
just like Rex Harrison's Professor Higgins. My fellow students were
amused.
What a sissy! Jim Hudson whooped as the rest of the class
howled.
Let them laugh, I thought, fighting back the tears. I have more
class than all of them put together.
Professor Higgins was different too, I rationalized. And whats
so bad about being different? Little did I know my question would
be answered all too soon.
Valentines Day was less than a week away, and in preparation
my mother and I went to Woolworths and bought a giant bag of
Peanuts valentines. Sunday was spent addressing cards to each of
my classmates.
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When Valentines Day arrived, I bravely put on my gray cardigan,

red vest, and blue dickey and got ready for school. At homeroom,
Mrs. Whitehead told us we would have to wait until after lunch to
open our boxes. As my classmates groaned with impatience, my
sense of doom deepened.
At the appointed time, Mrs. Whitehead gave the signal, and the
classroom exploded in excitement as my eager classmates tore open
their boxes. Chuck Lees shrill voice pierced through the commotion. Look at all these cards! he yelped as he poured what seemed
like hundreds of cards onto the tiny wooden desk.
Looking from side to side to ensure no one was looking, I quietly
slid the top to one side and peeked in. My heart stopped. One, two,
three, fouronly seven cards!
On the long ride home from school I was silent. At ten, I was
reevaluating my life. That night before I went to bed, I retired the
gray cardigan, red vest, and blue dickey. Fitting in had become more
important than self-expression.
Some childhood lessons are harder to unlearn than others. I was
nearly forty when I learned that being who you really are outweighs
fitting in. Today my Valentine box is overflowing. I am blessed with
a group of friends who accept and love me as I amgray cardigan,
red vest, blue dickey, and all.
Power Charger Four: Practice Gratitude

When I dwell on what I dont have in my life, I experience unsettling
feelings of need. The tapes in my head start to whine, You are not
enough. There is not enough. It becomes hard, if not possible, to
connect and contribute.
But when I shift my focus from what I dont have to what I do, I
come from a place of abundance. The tapes stop, and beautiful
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THE INSPIRED LIFE
music fills my ears. I am happy with myself, I am connected to

others, and I am in the presence of the Divine. I am ready to be of
service to the world.
Piero Ferrucci tells a wonderful story about gratitude in his
book The Power of Kindness: The Unexpected Benefits of Leading a Compassionate Life. It goes like this:
Once upon a time there was a man who hated his job. He was a
stonemason and he had to work all day for a miserable salary. What
an awful way to live, he thought. Oh, if only I could be rich and loaf
all day! His wish grew so intense that in the end it came true. The
stonemason heard a voice saying, You are what you want to be.
He became rich and could immediately have things he had always
wanted: a beautiful house, delicious food, great entertainment.
He was happy until one day he saw a king pass by with his procession, and he thought, He is more powerful than I. How I would like
to be in his shoes! Once again he heard the voice and, as if by magic,
he became king. What a thrill is power! All obeyed him, all feared
him. He was happy for a while, but it didnt last. Bit by bit, a wicked
dissatisfaction took hold of him. I want more, he thought. I want, I
want, I want. He saw the sun in the sky and thought, The sun is even
more powerful than I. I want to be the sun!
He became the sun, big, strong, and bright. He ruled the earth and
sky. Nothing could exist without him. What happiness! And what
importance! But then he noticed that beneath him the clouds
prevented him from seeing the landscape. They were light and
mobile. Instead of being a fixed shape in the sky, they could take on
an infinite variety of forms, and at sunset they flushed with the most
striking colors. They had no cares and were free. How enviable.
His envy did not last long. Once more he heard the voice saying,
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You are what you want to be. At once, he was a cloud. It was
pleasant to be suspended in the air, mobile, and fluffy. He enjoyed
taking different shapes, now thick and opaque, now rich and white,
now fine as embroidery. But sooner or later the cloud condensed into
raindrops and struck a rock of granite.
What an impact! The rock had been there for millenniahard and
solid. And now the little drops of water burst on the granite and
flowed onto the earth, where they were absorbed to disappear
forever. How wonderful to be a rock, he thought.
Instantly he became a rock. For some time, he enjoyed life as a rock.
At last he had found stability. Now he felt secure. After all, it is
security and solidity I am seeking, and no one is going to move me
from here, he thought. The raindrops struck the rock and trickled
down the sides. It was a pleasant massage, a gift. The sun caressed
and warmed him with its rayshow beautiful. He had attained
completeness.
Well, not yet. One day, he saw a figure approaching on the horizon.
It was a man, slightly bent and with a large hammera stonemason,
who began striking the hammer against him. Worse than pain, he
felt dismay. The stonemason was even stronger than he and could
decide his destiny. How I wish I could be a stonemason, he thought.
Thus he became a stonemason once again. After being everything
he had wanted to be, he became again what he had always been.
But this time he was happy. Cutting stone became an art. The sound
of the hammer was music, the fatigue at the end of the day brought
the satisfaction of a job well done. And that night, he had a
wonderful vision of the cathedral his stones were helping to build.
It was a magnificent revelation and he experienced a feeling that
he knew would never leave him. It was gratitude.
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Make gratitude a daily practice. Every morning before you get

out of bed, or every evening before you fall asleep, mentally list three
people, places, or things for which you are grateful. Other ways to
practice gratitude include:
1. Say thank you. Send a postcard or handwritten note to
your host or hostess after a dinner party. Write a letter
thanking a teacher, boss, coworker, friend, or mentor
who has influenced your life. Thank the peoplesuch as
cashiers, waiters, and bank tellerswho serve you daily
in small ways.
2. Seek lifes silver linings, make lemonade out of lemons,
and see the glass as half-full. When situations come up
that could be viewed as annoyances, look for silver
linings. Make it a game. Just recently, my flight to New
York was canceled and I was stranded in the Atlanta
airport. I called my brothers widow, Helga, who lives in
Atlanta, and she was free. We had a lovely evening in
which we shared our lives. I learned about her childhood
in Germany and early adult years when she first moved
to the States. The next morning I caught my flight to
New York. I didnt mind being delayed by a day at all.
In fact, I was grateful.
3. When you are around people who are less fortunate than
you, say a prayer of gratitude. Too often, I take my health,
finances, and mental happiness for granted. When I see
others in pain, I am humbled, and I become more aware
of all I have.
4. Practice gratitude by giving back. Share your time, treasure, and talent with those less fortunate than you. Years
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ago, I tutored underprivileged children in an after-school

program at the Asheville Girls and Boys Clubs. When my
travel schedule picked up and I had to give up tutoring,
I was disappointed. I loved my time with those kids.
Review
about the four power chargers?
1.
2.
3.

Stop?
Start?
Continue?
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V
PA R T V
P UTTING THE
T WO CS TO WORK
THE INSPIRED LIFE
An amazing opportunity dropped into my lap a while back: renting

a beautiful Manhattan apartment on Central Park. The owner is a
talented French interior designer who lives in France five months of
the year. We structured a deal that was literally too good to pass up.
I shared my good fortune with my friend Shonnie, who posed an
intriguing question: Randy, what would an ideal day in New York
look like for you? The next morning, I attempted to answer her
question in my journal.
An ideal day? Where to start? Would an ideal day in Manhattan
look much like an ideal day in Asheville? There is comfort in the
familiar, but I suspect thats not why this opportunity opened up.
Manhattan is a chance to shake things up.
Perhaps the best place to start is with my core values: connection
and contribution. Ill break both down into daily activities:
Connection to Self:
Journaling
Exercise
Connection to Others:
Social activities
Business networking
Connection to Higher Power/Purpose:

Journaling
Walking in the park (being in nature)
Visiting churches (I love sitting and praying in an empty church.)
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PART V: PUTTING THE T WO CS TO WORK
Contribution:
Offering workshops at colleges and universities, centers,

associations, corporations
Coaching professionals in transition who are ready to take their

careers and lives to a new level
Now I could answer Shonnies question. On an ideal day in

Manhattan, I would wake up early and journal, meditate, and pray.
After breakfast, I would walk in Central Park. If its raining, I might
go to a yoga class, do Pilates, or lift weights.
I would work until lunch. I might write or meet with clients by
phone. I would meet a friend or referral source for lunch. I would
ask for his or her help to build my practice, outlining my goals.
Of course, Ill be open to any way I can serve. Who knows what
opportunities Manhattan will offer? Im excited.
In the afternoon Ill work, but Id like to be spontaneous too. I
may play hooky and visit a museum or gallery. In fact, Id like to visit
at least one new museum or art gallery each week I am in Manhattan.
I will also research affinity groupsgroups I can join that are
composed of people with similar interests. Already, Ive found a
Sweat Your Prayers group that meets on Sundays.
Above all, on an ideal day in New York, I will follow my energy.
Rather than getting too structured, Ill find the freedom to take on
those activities that have the most juice for me at the time. Every
day, I will strive to be present, intentional (choosing love over fear),
authentic, and grateful.
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THE INSPIRED LIFE
Wrap It Up
In the next chapter well summarize what weve covered, youll create
an action plan, and Ill share five strategies for living a life focused
on connection and contribution. They are:
1. Commitment
2. Specificity
3. Continuity
4. Accountability
5. Immediacy
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CHAPTER 9
Living the Answer
L I F E I S C A L L I N G you to reexamine your values. What values do
you hold most dear? Do these values reflect the ones you are
currently living? If not, its time for a change. Its time to focus on
whats important, and nothing is more important than connection
and contribution. Embrace these and youll become your best self,
and youll live your best life.
So far, youve learned:
What you focus on you become, and you focus on what is

most valuable to you.
Focus on connection and contribution, and youll become

the person you were born to be and live a meaningful life.
Intensify this focus by being present, choosing love over

fear, being authentic, and practicing gratitude.
Heres another way to view these principles:
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THE INSPIRED LIFE
Presence
Connection
Your Best Self
Love
Contribution
Your Best Life
Authenticity
Gratitude
Youve also received a smorgasbord of suggestions on how to

put connection, contribution, presence, love, authenticity, and gratitude to work in your life. Weve covered a lot of ground, but were
not through yet.
If youre like me, you have a shelf filled with self-help books.
Most are heavily underlined, and many seemed life-changing at the
time you read them. Few, however, have you put to work in your life.
As time passed, you forgot many of the principles contained in them.
I dont want that to happen to you here. I want to help you
change your lifestarting todayby putting these principles to
work. To do so will require commitment, specificity, continuity,
accountability, and immediacy. Lets review each.
Life-Changing Strategy One: Commitment

Recently, I had an appointment at the University of Georgia in
Athens, Georgia. I conduct several workshops for their MBA
programs. My brother and his partner live just an hour and a half
from Athens.
148
LIVING THE ANSWER
At first I debated if I should take time to visit my brother. It was

a busy week. Then I remembered connection and contribution. I
decided to spend the afternoon and evening with them, and I am so
glad I did. It was a special visit. My brother and I were able to share
where we were in our lives. I had to work that weekend to make up
for the lost time, but it was well worth it.
How committed are you to integrating these values into your
life? On a scale from one to five with one being slightly committed
and five being extremely committed, rank your commitment.
1
Over the years, Ive heard a good many excuses for why people
wont fully commit. One of the most common excuses is: Im too
old. This is usually followed with an explanation such as, I am too
set in my ways. Change is too hard at my age. or Its too late; my
train has already passed. Poppycock! As George Eliot wrote, It is
never too late to be what you might have been.
Life-Changing Strategy Two: Specificity

Commitment alone seldom assures success. In order to be effective,
its imperative to be specific, very specific.
The legendary industrialist Henry Kaiser was asked how to be
successful. He said, Decide what you want most of all out of life;
then write down your goals and a plan to reach them.
In my workshop Engineer Your Career (and book of the same
name), readers and participants work towards creating a personal
blueprint. The blueprint is both a summary and action plan that
enables participants to put what theyve learned to work in their
lives. In this chapter, well do something similar.
Leo Tolstoy once wrote, True life is lived when tiny changes
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THE INSPIRED LIFE
occur. At the end of each chapter, you listed those actions that
youd like to stop, start, or continue. I invite you to go back to each
of those summaries and select one action step in each chapter that
youll commit to starting today. Write your answers here:
Your Best Self, Best Life Action Plan

Connection to Self
Self-Awareness:
Self-Acceptance:
Authentic Action:
Connection to Others
Connection to Higher Power or Purpose
150
LIVING THE ANSWER
Contribution
Want to supercharge each of these action steps? Infuse them with

presence, love, authenticity, and gratitude. Review the previous
chapter and write down one action step or insight that youd like to
remember for each.
Presence
Love
Authenticity
Gratitude
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THE INSPIRED LIFE
Life-Changing Strategy Three: Continuity

Staying focused on these goals over time takes discipline. Youve got
to stay strong to stick to the plan and avoid temptations, distractions, and negative thoughts. The simplest way is to create a schedule and stick to it. For me, I know if tasks end up on my to-do list
theyll most likely get done.
Sometimes this requires saying no to people, things, and situations that dont support your values. You may need to reorder or
even drop some activities that youre currently engaged in. Think
big picture. Remind yourself that you want to focus on whats really
important.
When you feel out of alignment or feel your energy wane, stop
and ask yourself if what youre doing supports or diminishes your
commitment to connection and contribution. Then refocus your
efforts if needed.
Life-Changing Strategy Four: Accountability

Many clients have found it valuable to find an accountability partner. An accountability partner is a trusted friend or family member
you can check in with from time to time to ensure that you are meeting your goals.
I formed a Power Up! group. Composed of six professional
men and women, the group has met every six weeks for the past six
years. In our meetings, we share our work and lives and hold each
other accountable for reaching goals and staying focused on priorities.
Other clients have put reminders on their calendars or computers to check their goals periodically.
152
LIVING THE ANSWER
Life-Changing Strategy Five: Immediacy

Dont wait for an uninvited visitor to drive his car through your
living room. The time to examine and realign your values is now.
As we discussed in the introduction, a shift is taking place across
our country and abroad. I call it The Great Values Shift. This shift
is giving birth to a movement away from materialism toward meaning and self-expression. Even though its making many of us
uncomfortablechange often doesits effects are positive, and
theyre showing up in every sector of our lives. Wont you join the
movement?
A Final Plea and a Fond Farewell

In closing, it has been an honor to travel with you. If theres nothing
else you remember from our time together, I hope youll remember
this:
The values you choose to focus upon will determine the

person you become and the life you live.
Of all the values you could choose, the most important

are connection and contribution.
Remember the power chargers: be present; be intentional

and choose love over fear; seek authenticity; and practice
gratitude. Base every choice, every decision on connection
and contribution, and youll become a person of
substance and live a life of meaning.
Practice them daily and youll live the answer to lifes two most
important questions: How can I be my best self, and how can I live
my best life?
153
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About Randy Siegel

Randy Siegel is a nationally recognized expert in helping people
stand in their power by building successful careers and living
meaningful lives.
Individuals hire Randy to help them find more power, passion,
and purpose in their work and lives. Organizations retain him to
build dynamic leaders who make rain, close deals, motivate employees, and are more positive and productive at both work and home.
Since founding his practice in 1999, Randy has conducted
hundreds of consultations, presentations, workshops, and coaching
sessions for corporations, professional associations, nonprofit
organizations, and marketing firms. His clients include Earthlink,
The Recording Academy (The Grammy Awards), and the University
of Georgia MBA Programs.
Randy has authored professional articles for Balance Magazine,
Washington Post, and other publications. He has been quoted in USA
Today, Money Magazine, and Wall Street Journal online. His monthly
eNewsletter and weekly blog are valued by thousands of readers
worldwide.
One client summed up Randys work this way:
You teach far more than communication; your message is about life
issues, growth, awareness, and openness. Its powerful stuff, and
your ability to communicate it and share your life is inspiring.
Contact Information
To find out more about the work of Randy Siegel, or to sign up for
his free monthly eNewsletter, please visit: YourInternalGPS.com.
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THE

How Connection and Contribution

The Inspired Life: How Connection and

The Inspired Life:

Copyright 2010 by Randy Siegel, Asheville, North Carolina, USA

Editor: Susan Snowden, Snowden Editorial Services

Part II: The First C: Connection

Chapter 3: Connect to Self Through Self-Acceptance

Chapter 4: Connect to Self Through Authentic Action

Chapter 5: Connect to Others

Chapter 6: Connect to Your Higher Power

Three Steps for Developing Spiritual Intelligence

Part III: The Second C: Contribution

Part IV: Good, Better, or Great?

Intentions Influence Outcomes

Part V: Putting the Two Cs to Work

About Randy Siegel

From Transition to Transformation

Desire more meaning in their work and life.

Feel a sense of urgency to live life more fully.

Need to find more balance in their life.

Yearn for deeper, more intimate connections with others.

Disconnect from a career and lifestyle that may have

Seek a life that better reflects their core values, interests,

THE INSPIRED LIFE

A Premise and a Promise

Helping People Stand in Their Power

Display confidence, competence, and conviction.

Live life with power, passion, and purpose.

Forge stronger and deeper relationships with yourself,

Love yourself, your work, and your life.

Much of my earlier work was based on my workshop and book

of exercises so that they can create their Best Self Blueprint, a

What Well Cover

THE INSPIRED LIFE

Whether we call it God, an ideal, or something else, all of us

How to Use This Book

is a personal one. In this book, I will share aspects of my own and

THE INSPIRED LIFE

Two Cs That Can

I W A S O V E R F O R T Y when I started seriously thinking about

THE INSPIRED LIFE

Which Wolf Will You Feed?

TWO CS THAT CAN CHANGE YOUR LIFE

An elderly grandfather is teaching his grandchildren about life.

Build our careers

Find a life partner and have children

Seek to fulfill our parents and societys expectations

THE INSPIRED LIFE

vited. For this reason, I call them uninvited guests. In one of my

TWO CS THAT CAN CHANGE YOUR LIFE

THE INSPIRED LIFE

My story is about coming out, but uninvited guests take many

The Great Values Shift

TWO CS THAT CAN CHANGE YOUR LIFE

Its been called many names, including post-materialism, the

THE INSPIRED LIFE

example, weve seen womens rights and environmental awareness

TWO CS THAT CAN CHANGE YOUR LIFE

Generation Y is right: the boundaries between work and home

What Some Folks Are Saying About the Shift

THE INSPIRED LIFE

As you learned earlier, connection and contribution are crucial

Connection to Your Higher Power