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iSH

FROM ABRAHAM'S BO
^tto

fork:

T. R.

DAWLEY. PUBT.ISHER.
13

&

15

PARK BOW,

N. Y.

DaTvley^s Xen-lPenny Novels.— IS" uinber

1.

THE TWO RIVALS. mROM THE
ir-RENCH

OW

KMilLE!

eOTJVKSTRK.

conjure up ideas equally alarming with that of French cookery. Whether w« shall be regaled with " fillet of a feuny-snake," instead of fillet of sole ; whether an oyster-fed aat can be ingeniously made to represent rabbit ; or, a poodle nourished on sponge-cake transformed into the similitude of pheasant. Admitting that much French literature is, like sausage-rolls, light and disappoin'ing granting that Dumas is wild, Paul de Kock licentious, and ^ue too often prolific of horrors it by no means follow that the same soil whieh sends forth bristle and brier, may not breed celandine and daisy.
of

The Terj name

French novel

may

;

IDaTvley's

Xen-Penny

HSTovels.— Nuinber 2.

DARE-DEVIL DICK.
This is a most singular story of a young man who was cursed by the power of gold, haying had an immense fortune placed to hi.s credit in a Bank, by a m''steriounindi' vidual unknown to him; after wUich he became associated with gamblers and bad men, by whom he became involved ia a <inel; was wounded became a wanderer was impressed into the British Navy, where his areer commences as Darb-Dbvii. Dick, a dauntless sailor, and one of the most daring, we might say reckless fighting men in the British Navy, through whose means the " Santissima," a Spanish corvette was oaptured. loaded with an amount of doubloons, mordores, and pieces of Eight that wo«.ld
; ;

be astonishing even to people of our

own
tJ'

day.

Dav^ley's Ten-^Peniiy Novels.—

N -amber
PRIZE.

3.

THE FREEBOOTER'S
truthful rind exciting

which h.is ever charactThe above tale is one of the m(«t erised the adventures of any I'ast M.ddv of the British nivy. The adventurer having aomein com|)aiative poverty his enli.stiui-nt U|.ion a war vessel; his deeertion; joinhis next apj.earancf upon hi.s re-le.sert ou his foituue upon the dvck i>f a pirate a merchantman; the merch:iutraan's fi^ht with the pirate; the Quaker Captain; the 'Captain de juene his tremHudous fighting the ch-ise final .-apture of the piratn. and

g

;

;

.

;

;

;

marriage of the hero, concludes (ine nt the most daring tales that corded upon paper, and which excites the admiration of nil.

lias

ever been r«.

OaAvley's Ten-I*eiinv IsTovels.— IS umber 4.

SFEAKIITG RIFLE;
tmh: iNDiiVisr slayer.
I

The scenes of this wild and singular story are laid upon the broa'Va^id expandhb Indiak Slatbk i« Spkakino Kifi.k, or ing prairies and forests of the Far VVe>t. foe to tliM Indian Race, thousands oi a wild and singular hing— a most uiirel.-nting whom he de.-troyed -single-handed while avenging the deaili of his murdered paaged. At the same time he never reeked his veugenotf upon the women and the r«\t8.

:

Ask any Newsdealer

for a

Copy

of Dawley's
R.

Ten-Penny Novels,
PcouaHKft,

»RICE, 10 CTS.,

MAILED POSTPAID.

— T.

DAWLEY.

Nbw

Tob».

n

OLD ABE'S JOKES.
FRESH FROM

A.B

a.ha.m:'s

bosom:

CONTAINING ALL US ISSUEt,

i*x:x.cji.jpTi]sra-

the "aREENBAOKS,"
WHIC^

TO CALL IN SOME OP

THIS

WORK

IS

ISSUED.

T. R.

DAWLEY, PUBLISHER,
13

NEW YOEK:
&

15 Park Row.

Old Abe's Jokes, says the iVew York Herald, "are tne essence ot
President's Lincoln's
taining as they
:

life."

They

will

do

all

the Jests and SqinBS of Father

be read by everybody, conAbraham.

Notice Many of these Jokes, Jests and Squibs, contained in this work, never before appeared in print, being fresh from the National hence, Joker's lips, and are entered according to Act of Congress
;

parties publishing
to prosecution.

them without crediting

to thig work, will

be

liabi>j

.99

MITERED ACCORDINS TO ACT OP CONGRESS, IN THE TEAR 1864, BY
O?.
R.
.

UAWLBY,

n

THE clerk's office OP THE DISTRICT COURT OF THE UNITED STATESi FOB THE SOUTHERN DISTRICT OF NEW YORE.

T. R. Dawley, Stereotyper, Steam Book, Job and

Newspaper

Printer

and Publisher, No. 13 and 15 Park Row, N. Y.

^sg'

ir

Father Abraham's Boyhood, Pots and Kettles, Dutch Ovens, Frying
Pans, yEsops Fables, Rail-Splitting, &c.,

Ac-

Abraham Lincoln was born

m

the year 1809.

in Hardin county, Kentucky, His parents were poor, and lived in a

log-house " without a floor, furnished with lour or five three-

legged stools, pots, kettles, a spider, Dutch oven, and something that answered for a bed."

They were both members

of the Baptist church, the mother being represented as a

whole-hearted Christian of godly example and precept. She could read but could not write. The father was not BO highly endowed by nature as his wife, but was superior
in

most respects to his neighbors.
all.

He could write his name
when he was sent to who came to live in

but could not read at

Abraham was seven years
the neighborhood.

old

school, for the first time, to one Hazel,

There were no schools nor school-houses

22
in the region,

OLD abe's jokes,

and few of the people could read. But this Hazel could read and write but beyond this he made a poor figure. For a small sum he taught a few children at His his house, and Abraham was one of the number. parents were so anxious that he should know how to read and write, tliat they managed to save enough out of their penury to send him to school a few weeks. They considered
;

Abraham a remarkable

boy.

Every day he posted away with the old spelling-book to Hazel's cabin, where he tried as hard to learn as any boy who ever studied his Ab's. He carried his book home at night and puzzled his active brain over what he had learned
during the day.
.highest ambition
could.

He
was

cared for nothing but his book.
to learn to read as well as his

His

mother

As

she gathered the family, and read the bible to

them each day, and particularly as she read it upon the Sabbath much of the time, he almost envied her the blessed
privilege of reading.

He

longed

he could read aloud from that revered volume.
that privilege he did not look.

come when Beyond To be able to read waa
foi

the day to

boon enough for him, without looking for anything
yond.
ings from his mother

be-

Young Abraham received the most excellent moral teachwho was accustomed to read the Bible Her reading was
not confined to the Old Testament,

gularly to her family.

nor to thenarrative portions of the Bible.
the gospel because she

She understood had a Christian experience that was marked. She was a firm, consistent disciple of the Lord Jesus, and was qualified thereby to expound the scriptures.
story of the Cross, as
it is

The

recorded in the 27th chap-

PRKSH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM.
tcr of

23
accom-

Matthew, was read over at the

fire-side,

panied "with

many remarks

that were suited to impress the

minds of her children.
ter in the

The Ten Commandments were made an important matSabbath lessons, and Abraham was drilled in reshalt not take

peating tliem, were pressed upon his attention namely, (III)
'

Thou

name

of the

Lord thy God

in vain

for the

Lord

will not hold

him

guiltless that taketh

his

name
it

Remember the Sabbath day to keep Honor thy father and thy mother, that thy days may be long upon the land which the Lord hath
in vain.

(IV.)
'

holy.'

(V.)

giveth thee.'

(IX.)

'Thou shalt not bear

false witness

against thy neighbor.'

way many Sabbaths of Abraliam's boyhood were became familiar with the Bible. For a boy of his age, he was excelled by i'ow in his acquaintance The Bible, catechism, and the old with the Scriptures.
'In
this

spent, so that he

spelling-book named, being the only books in the family at
this time, as

we have

said,
tl.e

and there being no papers, either
it

religious or secular,

Bible was read much more than

would have been if other volumes had been possessed. It was the first book that Abraham ever read that same old

family

Bible,

kept very

choice
It

because their

poverty

could not afford another.

was the only

bible that his

mother ever possessed, her life treasure, to which she was more indebted, and perhaps, also, her son Abraham, than any other
her family.
influence.
It

was certainly the

light of her

dwelling, and the most powerful educator that ever entered

That same Bible

is still

in the possession of a relative in

the state of Illinois.

24

OLD abe's jokes,

When Abraham was

about eight years old, his father,

preferring to live in a free State, sold his farm for a lot of

whiskey (most of which he
te Spencer county, Indiana.

lost in

moving), and emigrated

Here, miles from any neigh-

bor, he opened his

new

settlement and built himself a cabin,

almost the counterpart of the one they had left in Kentucky.

About the end

o' their first year's residence in

Indiana, affliction came upon the household in the shape ol
the death of Mrs. Lincoln.

About

this

time, too,

Abra-

ham's literary treasures were enlarged by the acquisition
of the Pilgrim's Progress and

JEsop's

Fables.

He

read

it

over and over until he could repeat almost

the entire contents of the volume.

He was

interested in

the moral lesson that each fable taught, and derived there-

from many valuable hints that he carried with him through
life.

On

the whole he spent

more time over

JEJ sop's Fables

than he did over Pilgrim's Progress, although he was really

charmed by the
the stories.

latter.

But there was a practical turn
this early familiarity

to

the Fub.'es that interested him, and he could easily recollect

Perhaps

with this book

laid the foundations for that facility at apt story-telling

which has distinguished him from his youth. It is easy to see how such a volume might beget and foster a taste in
this direction.

He was
first
;

also so fortunate as to find a writing-master.
in the use of the

Abraham was awkward enough
but he soon overcame

this difficulty,

pen at and exhibited

unusual judgment for a boy in the formation of letters.

When he had learned how to form a letter, he practiced upon it in various ways. With a bit of chalk he would cut them on pieces of slabs and on the trunks of trees; and

FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOH.

more than once the tops of the
latiicr

stools in

tlie

cabin and

tlaa

puncheon-table served him in lieu of a writing-book.

His
va-

was too poor

to provide

him with

all the

paper ne-

cessary (or his scribbling,
rious expedients.

and so he resorted

to these

The end of a charred

stick wa.s used as
it

a pencil sometimes to accomplish his object, and

enabled

him to cut letters with considerable

facility.

We
of his

have not space to follow Abraham during the course
life in

Indiana.

We

pass on to the removal of the

family to Illinois and to the
rails.

celebrated

splitting of the

They accomplished the journey from Spencer county, InThe spot selected for their home was on the north side of the Sangadiana, to Decatur, Illinois, in fifteen days.

mon

River, about 10 miles west of Decatur, a spot wisely
it

chosen, because
prairie lands.

was

at the junction of the timber

and

A

log house

was immediately
selecttd,

erected, in the building of

which Abraham acted a conspicuous part.
prairie land

were

Ten acres of and the sods were broken for a
once,' said

crop of corn.
« «

That must be fenced

a:;

Abraham.
done/ replied

And

you'll

have to

split the rails, if it is

his father.

*That
I

I

can do, as

I

am
all

used to

it;

but I don't expect to
get things under
else.'

split rails for
'

a living

my
to.

days.'

hope you won't have

When we
somewhere

way, you can seek your
'

fortin'

made up my mind as to that. There will ba time enough for that when the ten acres are fenced in.' * We shall have enough to do this summer to break up
I haven't

OLD ABE'S JOKES,

and
the

plar.t ten acres
lot.

of corn, and take care of

it,
'?

and fenco

But who
us.'
;

ever saw such land as this

The half

was not told

Mr. Lincoln was surpr^ed at the richand, in all respects, he was jjleascd with

ness of the lands

the change of residence.

There can be no better farming land than this,' answerand it ain't half the work to cultivate these And I am just the hand to fence them, as I prairie lands.
*

ed Abraham,

'

have swung the axes so much.' ' Yes, you can do it better than
quicker
;

I can,

and a great deal
please.'

may Accordingly, Abraham proceeded
so 3'ou

go at

it

as soon as

you

to split the rails for

the ten acre lot.

These are the

rails

about which so much
'

was

said in the late Presidential campaign.

Their exist-

ence,' says

Mr. Scripps,

'

was brought

to the public atten-

tion during the sitting of the Republican State Convention,

at Decatur, on which occasion a banner, attached to

two

of these rails, and bearing an appropriate inscription was

brought into the assemblage and formally presented to that
body, amid a scene of unparalleled enthusiasm.

After that

they were in demand in every State of the Union in which
free labor
is

honored, where they were borne in processions

of the people, and hailed by hundreds of thousands of free-

men, as a symbol of triumph, and as a glorious vindication
of freedom, and of the rights and the dignity of free labor.

These, however, were far from being the

first

or only rails

made by
ness.

Lincoln.
first

He was

a practiced hand at the busi-

His

lessons

diana.

Some

of the rails

were taken while yet a boy in Inmade by him in that State h.'vve

been clearly identified.
iu the possession

The writer has seen a cane, now of Mr. Lincoln, made by one of hi^ '^Id

FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM.
acquaintances, from one of those
rails

27

split

by

his

own

hands

in

boyhood.'

Shortly after the removal to Illinois,

Abraham
Menard

left his

home

to look out for himself.

He

found

a comfortable
county,

place with a family living near Petersburg,

where, as was the case wherever he lived, he acquired the
esteem of
all.

The young people who became acquainted with him gave him their confidence without hesitation. They believed him to be a conscientious, upright young man. For this
reason, they referred the settlement of

dispute to him.

They had confidence in his judgment as well as his honesty. Different sorts of games were in vogue at that time, and running matches and horse-racings, and if Abraham was present, one party or the other was sure to make liim their judge. Two years later, while he was living in New Salem,
he shared the confidence of
parties, in the aforesaid
all to

such an extent that both

amusements, were wont to choose

him for their judge. In all cases, too, there was the utmost satisfaction shown in his decisions.
It Avas at this period of his life that he
*

Honest Abe.'

act as

was christened same p(H"son to judge for both of the contending parties, and it
It

was
so

so unusual for the

was expressive of
Abe.'

that by conmion consent he came to be
o

much confidence in his character known as Honest
'

Father Abraham a D!sciple of " Father Matthew."

When
county,

Gen. Hooker was ordered to join Gen. Grant at

Chattanooga, the president advised him to avoid ^Bourbon'

when passing through Iveutucky.

OLD ABE'S JOKES,

An Englishman's
'

Portraits of Old
is

Abe

To say
is

that he
is

is

ugly,

nothing

;

to

add that

his fig-

ure

grotesque,

to

convey no adequate impression.-r-

Fancy a man six feet high, and then out of proportion with long bony arms and legs, which somehow seem to be always in the way ; with great rugged furrowed hands,
which grasp you like a vice when shaking yours ; with a long snaggy neck, and a chest too narrow for the great arms at its side. Add to this figure a head cocoa-nut shaped and somewhat too small for such a stature, covered with rough, uncombed and uncomable hair, that stands out in every direction at once ; a face furrowed, wrinkled and
indented, as though
;

a high it had been scarred by vitrol narrow forehead and sunk deep beneath bushy eyebrows, two briglit, dreamy eyes, that seem to gaze through you without looking at you a few irregular blotches of black bristly hair, in the place where beard and whiskers ought to grow a close-set, thin-lipped, stern mouth, with two rows of large white teeth, and a nose and ears which have been taken by mistake from a head of twice the size.
; ; ;

Clothe this figure, then, in a long, tight, badly-fitting suit
of black, creased, soiled and puckered up at every salient
point of the figure (and every point of this figure
is salient)

put on large,

ill-fitting boots,

gloves too long for the long

and a fluflfy hat, covered to the top with and then add to this an air of strength, as moral, and a strange look of dignity physical as well coupled with all this grotesqueness and you will have the
bony
fingers,

dusty, puffy crape

;

;

impression left upon

me by Abraham

Lincoln.'

FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM.

29

An American's

Portrait cf Father
is

Abraham.

In character and culture ho
llip

a fair representative of

avcrag-e American.
silence, his

awkward

His awlcward speech and yet more uncouth manners, self-taught and
style miscellaneous, concreted from

partly forgotten, his

the best authors, like a reading book, and yet oftentiniea

of Saxon force and classic purity a joke
his
;

;

his

argument, his logic
;

both unseasonable at times and irresistable always

questions

answers,

and

his

answers

questions

;

his

gue&ses prophecies, and fullillment ever beyond his proDiise
;

honest yet shrewd
;

;

simple yet retiscent
;

;

heavy yet
careless in

energetic

never despairing, never sanguine
;

forms, conscientious in essentials

never sacrificing a good
ideas, nor despising old

servant once trusted

;

never deserting a good principle

once adopted

;

not afraid of

new

ones; improving opportunities to confess mistakes, ready
to learn, getting at facts, doing nothing

not what

to do

;

hesitating at nothing

when he knows when he sees the
party
;

right; lacking
leader,

the recognized

qualifications of a

and leading

his party as

no other man can

sus-

taining his political enemies in Missouri in their defeat,
sustaining his political friends in

Maryland

to their victo-

ry

;

conservative in his sympathies and radical iu his acts,
;

Socratic in his style and Baconian in his method

his reli-

gion consisting in truthfulness, temperance people to pray for
him, and publicly

:

asking good

acknowledging in

events the hand of God, yet he stands before you as the

type of

'

Brother Jonathan,' a not perfect
fine gold.'

man and

yet

more precious than

30

OLD ABE'S J0KE8,

The President
'

In Society.

On

the

occasion

when

the writer

had the honor of
Avith

meeting the President, the company was a small one,

most of

whom

he was personally acquainted.

He was

Diuch at his ease.

his face, which death.
It

There was a look of depression about was habitual to him even before his child'a
to

was strange

me

to Avitncss the perfect
to be with

terms

of equality on which he appeared

everybody.
:

Occasionally some of his interlocutors called to him
President,' but the habit
It v/as

'

Mr.

was

to

address him simply as: 'Sir.*

not, indeed,

till

we were
to

introduced to him that

we were aware that

the President was one of the company.
prefer others talking to spoke, his remarks

He
him

talked

little,

and seemed
;

to talking himself

but,

when ho
still

were always shrewd and sensible.
he was a gentleman
one.
;

You would never
less say

say

you would

he was not

There are some women about whom no one ever
with beauty one way or the other;
to

thinks in connection

and there are men
such Mr. Lincoln

whom
one.

the epithet of gentleman-like
;

or ungcntleraan-like appears utterly incongruous
is

and of

Still

there

is

about him an utto be cour-

ter absence of pretension,

and an evident desire
is

outward There is a softness, too, ab( ut his smile, and a sparkle of dry humor about his eye, which redeem the expression of his face, and remind us more of
the essence, if not the

teous to everybody, which form, of good breeding.

the late Dr. Arnold, as a child's recollection recalls him,

th:m of any face

we can The conversation, like

call to

mind.

that of all

American

oflBcial

men

FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM.

31

we have met
that

with,

was unrestrained

in

the presence of

Btrangors, to a degree perfectly astonishing.

we heard made,

as to the present state of affiairs,

Any remarks we

do not

feel at liberty to repeat,

though really every public

man
to

here appears not only to live in a glass house, but in

a reverberating gallery, and to be absolutely indiflerent as

who

sees or hears him.

Tnere are a few

'

Lincolnisms,'

however, which we may fairly quote, and which will show
the style of his conversation.
Braoking,

Some of the party began and our host remarked, laughingly, The Presi'
:

dent has got no vices
is

he neither smokes nor drinks.' 'That
*

a doubtful compliment,' answered the President
Illinois,

I re-

and a man sitting by me oflfered me a cigar. I told him I had no vices. He said nothing, smoked for some time, and then grunted out, its my experience that folks who have no
collect once being outside a stage in
'

vices have plaguy few virtues.'

Agsiin a gentleman pres-

ent was telling

how

a friend of his had been driven

away

from
Bion,

New

Orleans as a Unionist, and how, on his expulto see

when he asked

pelled, the deputation

the writ by which he was exwhich called on him told him that

Government had made up their minds to do nothing iland so they had issued no illegal writs, and simply meant to make him go of his own free will. « Well,' said Mr. Lincoln, that reminds me of a hotel keeper down at
the
legal,
'

St. Louis,

who boasted he never had a death
his house

in his hotel,

for

whenever a guest was dying in

he carried him

out to die in the street.'

32

OLD abe's jokes,

Mr. Lincoln's Daily Life.
«

Mr. Lincoln is an early

riser,

and

lie

thus

is

able to dev>luniiiiou3

vote two or

three hours each morning to

liis

private correspondence, besides glancing at a city paper.

At

nine he breakfasts

— then walks

over to the war

office,

to read such

war telegrams

as they give him, (occasionally

some are withheld,) and to have a chat with General Ilalleck on the military situation, in which he takes a great inReturning to the -white house, he goes through with his morning's mail, in company with a private secreterest.

tary,

— and others

who makes a minute

of the reply which he

the President retains, that he

is to make may answer

them himself. Every letter receives attention, and all which are entitled to a reply receive one uo matter how
they are worded, or

how

inelegant the chirography

may

be.

Tuesday and Fridays are cabinet days, but on other
days visitors at the white house are requested to wait in
the anti-chamber, and send
in
their

cards.

Sometimes,

before the President has finished
will have a handful of pasteboard,

reading his mail Louis

and from the cards laid
in,

before him Mr. Lincoln has visitors ushered

giving pre-

cedence to

acquaintances.

Three or four hours do they
offices,

pour

in, in

rapid succession, nine out of ten asking

and patiently does the president Care and anxiety have furrowed
yet occasionally he
is

listen to their application.
his rather

homely features,
eyes, while his

'reminded of an anecdote' and good
up' yet.

humored glances beam from his clear, grey rinojing laugh shows that he is not used
'

The

FRESH PROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM.
simple and
thouglits

83

natural manner in which he delivers his makes him appear to those visiting him like an earnest, affectionate friend. He makes little parade of his le2:al science, and rarely indulges in speculative propo-

sitions,

but states his ideas in plain Angle-saxon, illumina-

ted by

Many

lively

images and pleasing allusions, which
obedience to
a
resistless

seem to f.ow as
his nature.

if in

impulse of
to

Some newspaper admirer attempts

deny

that the President tells stories.

Why,

it is

rarely that any

one

is in

his

company

for fifteen minutes without hearing a

good

tale,

appropriate to the subject talked about.

Many

a metaphysical argument does he demolish by simply telling

an anecdote, which exactly overturns the verbal structure. About four o'clock the President declines seeing any more company, and often accompanies his wife in her carriage to take a drive.

He

is

iond of horseback exercises

and when passing the summers' home used generally to go The President dines at six, and it is rare in the saddle. that some personal friends do not grace the round dining
tabic

where he throws

off the

cares of

office,

and reminds

who have been in Kentucky of the old school gentleman who used to dispense generous hospitality there. From the dinner table the party ret-ire to the crimson drawthose

ing room, where coffee

is

served, and where the President

passes the evening, unless

tcrview.

Such

is

the almost unvarying daily

some dignitary has a special iulife of Abra-

ham

Lincoln, whose administration will rank next in im-

portance to that of Washington in our national annals.'

34

OLD aee's jokes,

Personal Habits of the President,

Those who know the habits of President Lincoln aro
not surprised to hear of his personal visit to some general,

nor would any such be astonished to

New York

know that lie was in wanted to see anything or anybody, he would be as likely to come on as to send. He has an orbit of his own, and no one can tell where he will If be or what he will do, from anything done yesterday. he wants a newspaper he is quite as likely to go out and
at any time. If he
j^et it

as he

is to

send after

it.

If he want's to see the Sec-

retary of State, he generally goes out and makes a call,
retary of State, he generally goes out and makes a
call.

At

night, from ton to twelve, he usually

around

— now at Seward's and
late at night, follow
last

then

at

makes a tour all Halleck's and if
;

Burnside was nearer, he would see him
he went to bed.
Bee

each night before

him

and the

Those who know his habits and want to him round from place to placcj search generally brings him up at Gen. Hal-

leck's, as

he can get the latest army intelligence there.
or indolent the President
ia

Whoever else is asleep awake and around.
Beneath
age

wide

all the playfulness of his

mind burns a solemn

earnestness of patriotism; amid his prudence a great cour;

in all his gentleness

and compliance a determined
its

grasp of the reins, and a firmness net inferior to General
Jackson's, though without
p,

passion and caprice.

He

is

wise, true, sagacious, earnest

and formidable

leader.'

FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM.

35

Several Little Stories,

BY AND ABOUT PRESIDENT LINCOLN.
«

It "wonld

be hardly necessary to inform the nation that
his

oar President, in the midst of the anxieties of a state of

war that continually torture
jest.

mind,

is

wont

to find oc-

casional relief in an appropriate anecdote or well-turned

man, says Mrs. Stowe, has suffered more and deeper, albeit with a dry, weary, patient pain, that seemed to some
like
insensibility,
it ends,'

No

than President Lincoln.
'

'

Whichever

way
that

he said to the writer,

I have the impression

I

shan't last

much longer
; '

after it is over.'
is

After the dreadful repulse of Fredericksburg, he

re-

ported to have said
suffers

If there is a

man

out of Hell that

more than

I do, I pity him.*

In those dark daya

his

heavy eyes and worn and weary air told how our re-

verses

wore upon him, and yet there was a never-failing

fund of patience at the bottom, that sometimes rose to the
surface in some droll, quaint saying or story, that forced a

laugh even from himself.

-oOld Abe Consulting the Spirits.

A

Washington correspondent of the Boston Saturday
spiritual

Evening Gazette, gives the following account of a
manifestation at the White House

few evenings since Abraham Lincoln, the President of the United States^ was induced to give a Spiritual soiree
*

A

in the

crimson room at the White House, to test the won.

36

OLD abe's jokes,
alleofcd

dcrM
um,
to

Shockle.

It

supernatural powers of Mr. Charles E. was my good fortune as a friend of the medi-

be present, the party consisting of the President, Mrs. Lincoln, Mr. Welles, Mr. Stanton, Mr. L., of New-

York, and

j\Ir.

F., of Philadelpliia.

We

took our seats in

was called away sliortly after the manifestations commenced, and the spirits, which had apparently assembled to convince him of
Uic circle about eight o'clock, but the President their power,

gave

visible tokens of their

displeasure

at

the President's absence, by pinching Mr. Stanton's ears

turned, but

and twitching Mr. Welles' beard. The President soon reit was some time before harmony was restored,
such bursts of

for the mishaps to the Secretaries caused

was very unpropitious. For Bomc half hour the demonstrations were of a physical chartables were moved, and a picture of Henry Clay, acter which hangs on the wall, was swa3'ed more than a foot, and two canciclab.-as, presented by the Dey of Algiers to President Adams, were twice raised nearly to the ceiling. It was nearly nine o'clock before Shockle was fully under spiritual influence, and so powerful were the subsequent
laughter, that the influence

reani Testations that twice during the evening restoratives

were applied, for he was much weakened, and though I took no notes, I shall endeavor to give you as faithful an account as possible of what took place. Loud rappings about nine o'clock were heard directly beneath the President's feet, and Mr. Shockle stated that
an Indian desired to communicate.
'

Well,

sir,'

said

the President,

'

I should

be happy to
recent-

hear what his Indian majesty has to say.
ly

We have
it

had a

visitation

from our red brethren, and

was the

FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM.
only delegation, black, white or blue,
teer
wliicli

37

did not volun-

The medium then

some advice about the conduct of tlie called for pencil and paper, and they
war.'

were laid upon the table in sight of all. A liandkerchief was tlien taken from Mr. Stanton, and the materials were
carefully concealed from sight.
it iias

In

less

space of time than

required

me

to write this,

knocks were heard, and

the paper
it

was uncovered.

To

the surprise of all present,

read as follows
" Haste makes waste, but delays cause vexations.

Give

vitality

by energy.

Use every means

to subdue.

Frocla-

mations are useless.
leave traitors at

Make

a bold front and light the enemy,

home

to the care of the loyal

men.

Less

note of preparation, less parade and policy-talk and
action.

more

Henry Knox."
is

'That
dent.
'

not Indian talk, Mr. Shockle,' said the Presiis

Who

Henry Knox ?'

I suggested to the medium to ask

who General Knox

was, and before the words were from

my

lips,

the

medium
turnis

Bpoke in a strange voice,
'

'

The
'

first

Secretary qf War.'

Oh, yes, General Knox,' said the President,

who

ing to the Secretary, said,

Stanton, that message

for

you it is from your predecessor.' Mr. Stanton made no reply.
'


I

should like to ask General Knox,' said the President,
scope of his ability to tell us

*

if it is ^vithin the

when

this

rebellion will be put down.'

In the same manner as before this message was received:
'

Washington, Lafayette, Franklin, Wilberforce, Napo-

leoa and myself have held frequent consultations upon this

38
point.

OLD abe's jokes,

There

is

something which our spiritual eyes cannot
Evil has come at times by removal

detect which prevents rapid consummation of plans which

appear well formed.
of

and there are those in retirement whose abilities should be made useful to hasten the end. Napoleon says concentrate your forces upon one
positions,
point, Lafayette thinks that the

men from high

rebellion will die of ex-

end approaching as the South must give up for want of mechanical ability to compete against Northern mechanics, Wilberforce sees hope only in a negro army. Knox.'
haustion, Franklin sees the
<

Well,' exclaimed the President,

<

opinions differ

among

the saints as well as

among the
do.

sinners.

They

don't seem
celestials

to understand running the

machine among the

much much
'

better than

we

Their talk and advice sound very
cabinet

like the talk of
?'

my

— don't you think so

Mr.

Welles
see

know I will think the matter over and what conclusions I arrive at.' Heavy raps were heard and the alphabet was called for when « That's -what's the matter' was spelled out. There was a shout of laughter, and Mr. Welles stroked
Well, I don't
'

his beard.

That means, Mr. Welles,' said the President,
Short cuts in war times.

«

that you

are apt to be long-winded, and think the nearest
is

way home
I

the longest round.

wish

the spirits would tell us

how

to catch the Alabama.'

The

lights

which had been partially lowered almost in-

stantaneously become so dim that I could not see sufiBciently to distinguish the features of

any one

in the room,
tlicre

and

on the large mirror over the mantel-pcice

appeared

/

FRESH FKOM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM.

the most beautiful thougli supernatural picture eye ever beheld.
It represented

a sea-yiew, the

Alabama with

all

steam up flying from the pursuit of another large steamer.

Two merchantmen
troyed by
fire.

in the distance

were seen partially des-

The

picture changed and the

Alabama was

Been at anchor under the shadow of an English fort

— from

which an English
ible about her.

flag

floating idly, not a soul

The Alabama was on board, and no signs of life vi^
was
flying.

'

The picture vanished and in The English people demand
'

letters of purple appeared,
this of

England's aristo-

cracy.'

So England
'It

is

to seize the

Alabama
less

finally

V

said the

President.
let

may be

possible, but

Mr.

"Welles, don*t

one gunboat or one monitor
spirits

be

built.'

The
*
«

again called for the alphabet, and again
President.

That's what's the matter' was spelt out.
I see, I see,' said the
*

Mother England
sauce for

thinks that what's sauce for the goose
the gander.
It

may be

may be
best,

tit, tat,

too hereafter

But

it is

not very complimentary to our
*

Navy anyhow.'
perfected, 1 tiiink if
it

We've done our

Mr. President,' said Mr. Welles

*

I'm maturing a plan, which,

when

works
'

well, will be a perfect trap for the Alabama.'
'

Well, Mr. Shockle,' remarked the President,

I

have

strange things and heard rather odd remarks but nothing which convinces me, except the pictures, that there
seen
is

anything very heavenly about

all

this.

I should

like
this

if possible, to

hear what Judge Douglas says about
spirit,'

war.'
*

I'll

try to get his

said

Mr. Shockle,

'

but

it

OLD ABES JOKES,
Bometimes happens, as
Indian, that though
to another
it

did to-night in the case of the

first

impressed by one

spirit, I yield

more powerful.

If perfect silence is maintain-

we cannot induce General Knox to send Mr. Douglas.' Three raps were given, signifying assent to the proposition. Perfect silence was maintained, and after an interval of perhaps three minutes, Mr. Shock le rose quickly from his chair and stood behind it, resting his left arm on
ed, I will see if

for

the back, his right thrust into his bosom.
as no one could mistake

In a voice such
It

who had

ever heard Mr. Douglas,

he spoke.

I shall not pretend to quote the language.
choice.

was eloquent and
aside all advisers
sued,

He

urged the President to throw

who

hesitated about the policy to be pur-

and to listen to the wishes of the people, who would sustain him at all points, if his aim was, as he believed it He said there were Burrs and was, to restore the Union. Blenderhassetts still living, but that they would wither before the popular approval, which would follow one or two victories, such as he thought must take place ere long.

The turning

point in this
;

war

will be the proper use of
first

these victories

if

wicked men in the

hours of suc-

cess think it time to devote their attention to party, the

war
<

will be prolonged, but if victory is followed
all will he well.

up by
comes

energetic action

I believe that,'
spirit
(5r

said the President,

«

whether

it

from

human.'

Mr. Shockle was much prostrated after this, and at Mrs. Lincoln's request it was thought best to adjourn the seanco
sine die.

FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM.

41

" Too Cussed Dirty."

The following

story

is

often told of Father

Abraham

about two contrabands, servants of
Capt. George Harrison.

General Kelly and

When

the General and his staff

were on
little

their

way up

the mountains they stopped at a

village to get something to eat.

They persuaded
two contrabands
After
it

the occupant of the farm-house to cook them a meal, and
in order to expedite matters, sent the

mentioned to

assist iu

preparing the repast.

was

over the General told the negroes to help

tuemselve?.

An
'

hour or two afterward he observed them gnawing
at

away

some hard crackers and flitch. didn't you eat your dinner at asked the General of one of them.

Why

the

village

V

'

Well, to
!'

tell

the God's trufe. General,
reply.

it

wos too cus-

sed dirty

was the

Old Abe on Bayonets.

them Southern fellows, was saying. If they get whipped they'll retreat to them Southern swamps aud bayous along with the fishes and crocodiles. You haven't got tiie fish-nets made that'll catch 'em.' 'Look here, old gentleman !' screamed old Abe, who was sitting along side * We've got just the nets for traitors, in the bayous or anywhere. •IJoy? what nets?' Bayou.nets ?" and
*

You

can't do anything with

the old gentleman at the table

'

^

Abraham
savagely.

pointed his joke with a fork, spearing a fishball

49

OLD ABE's

.TO!v'^'^.

Old Abe as a Mathemafician.
effective way sometimes of dealmen who trouble him with questions. Somebody asked him how many men the rebels had in the field. He

Mr. Lincoln has a very

ing with

replied very seriously,

'Twelve hundred thousand, accord-

ing to the best authority.'
the face, and ejaculated
<

The interrogator blanched

in

My God!' 'Yes, sir, twelve hundred thousand— no doubt of it. You see, all of our
Generals,

when they get whipped, say
five

the

bers them from three or

to

one,

and

enemy outnumI must believe
in the field,
it ?'

them.

We

have four hundred thousand men

and three times four make twelve.

Don't you see
'

The
it'

inquisitive

man

looked for his hat soon after

seeii

g

Father Abe on the Wooden-legged Amateur.

Old Abe, once reminded of the enormous cost of the that reminds me of a wooden legged amateur who Happened to be with a Virginia skirwar, remarked, ah, yes
!

mishing party when a shell burst near him, smashing his

and sending a piece of iron through The soldier grinned and bore it' like a man, while the amateur was loud and emBeing rebuked by the woundphatic in his lanentution. Oh, yes its all well enough for ed soldier, he replied you to bear it. Your leg didn't cost you anything, and
artificial

limb to

bits,

the calf of a soldier near him.

'

:

'

;

will heal

up ; out

I

paid two hundred dollars for mine

!'

PRESH PROM ABRAMAMS BOSOM.

43

Lincoln Teaching tha Soldier's

How

to Surrender arms.

As

the

members of one of our volunteer companies were
not of the corps, was acting as Lieutenant for
: '

being practiced in the musket-drill, a gentleman, who,
al though

the day, said

I

will teach

you the manner of surrender-

it, you will know Mr. Lincoln standing near, immediately responded: 'Hold on. Lieutenant; I'll teach thetn that myself.' Ho seized a musket from a soldier standing near, and raised it to his shoulder a moment, as if in the act of firing upon an enemy then letting it drop from Ids hand, he imitated the action of a man shot

ing arms, so
to

in

case you ever liave to do

how

do

it

gracefully.'

;

through

the

heart, staggered heavily

forward, and

fell

upon the
cried
;

piece.

He sprang up
way

again in a moment and

'That's the

to surrender arms!'
'

A

tremen-

dous shout broke from the ranks.
learn

That's the kind
;

we

— surrender
it.

the ffrace of

and die at the same time never mind And the crrace of it' was discarded.'
'

Abe's Curiosity.

Father Abraham says he lately discovered in an old drawer which had not been opened for years, a remarkable silver coin, which had on one side a head with the word Liberty' surrounded by thirteen stars, and the date
'

18(K>.
<

On

the opposite
!'

E

IMuribus Ui^am,' the words

was an eagle with the motto United States of Ameri'

ca,'

and

the figures

«

10c

OLD

ARTY'S

JOKES,

Lincoln Agreeably Disappointed.

is

necessarily very

Mr. Lincoln, as the highest public oflSccr of the nation much bored by all sorts of people callupon him.
officer

in*;

An

of the

Government
allow
.

called one day at
clerical friend.
'

the

Wliite House,

and introduced a
<

Mr

me to present to you my friend Mr. F. has expressed a desire to see you and have some conversation with you, and I am The Presiha])py to be the means of introducing him.' dent shook hands with Mr. F., and desiring him to be
President,' said he,

the Rev. Mr. F. of

seated took a seat himself.

Then

his

countenance havsaid;
'

ing assumed an uir of patient waiting

— he

'Tarn
I

now ready
sir,'

to bear
'

what you have

to say.'

0, bless you,

said Mr. F.,

I

have nothing especially to say,
respects to you, and, as

mere-

ly called to

pay

my

one of the
support.'

million, to assure
*

you of

my hearty sympathy and

My

dear

sir,'

said the President,
relief,

rising promptly

— his
I

face showing instant

and with both hands grasping

that of his visitor,

'

I

am

very glad to see you, indeed.

thought you had come to preach to

me !'

Secesh Lady.

A
and

Secesh lady of Alexandria,

who was ordered away
all

into Dixie by the

Government, destroyed
trees, so that the
'

her furniture

cut

down her

cursed Yankees' should
this,

not enjoy them.

Lincoln hearing of

the order was

countermanded, and she returned to see in her broken
penates, the folly of her conduct.

L

FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM.

45

One
be
t!io

of Abe's Last.

—« I

cant say

for certain

who

will

people's choice for President, but to the best of

my

belief it will be the successful candidate.'

The
is

following, although not belonging to Father Abe.

not so bad
Gen. Hindman's

mode

of financiering.

Gen. Hindman, had resolved to go into the neighboring
State of Arkansas, determined to raise a forced loan of

one million dollars from the banks of Mempliis, four in
number.

None

of the moneyed

inhabitants gave

very
of

cheerful accord to the demand.

The President of one

them hesitated some time, and finally told the General that he could not accommodate him. I must have it,' said the general. By what authority do you demand it ?' asked the bank
' «

president.
'

By

the authority of the sword,' replied
I

Hindman.
man. commander.

<

Of course

cannot resist

that,' said the financial

'I sliould think not,' responded the rebel

And so it turned out. Tlie money was taken out of the bank vaults by a party of rebel soldiers detailed by Hindman
for that purpose.

<I feel patriotic,' said

an old rowdy.
?'

'What
wanted

do you

mean by
wa.s

feeling patrioiic
'

inquired the President,
I feel
«

who
kill

standing by.

Why,

as if

I

to

somebody or

steal something.'

The Tennessee

authori-

46
ties felt

OLD ABE'S JOKES,
the same kind of patriotisna on the Fourth of

July; and as they didn't like to venture upon killing any

body
ville

;

they stole the trains of the Louisville and Nash-

RaUroad.
I

Old Abe's story of

New

Jersey.

One

terribly stormy night in bleak December, a

United

was wrecked ofif the coast of Jersey, anj every soul save one, went down with the doomed craft. This one survivor seized a floating spar and was washed toward the shore, while innumerable kind-hearted tools of the Camden and Amboy railroad clustered on the beach Slowly the unhappy mariner driftwith boats and ropes. ed to land and as he exhaustcdly caught at tlie ropo thrown to him, the kindly natives uttered an encouraging
States vessel
cheer.
'

You

are saved

!'

they shouted.

'

You

are saved,

and must show the conductor your ticket!' With the sea still boiling about him, the drowning stranger resisted the
efforts

to
tell

haul him

ashore.
!

'Stop!'

said

he, in faint

tones

me where I am "What country is this ?' They answered 'New Jersey.' Scarcely had the name been uttered when the wretched stranger let go the rope, ejacu*

lating, as

he did

so,

'

I guess I'll float a little farther

!'

Swearing a Contraband.

The President
considered rich.

often tells

tlic

following, wliicli
first

may be

Company K,

of the

stationed in Tennessee, received into their

Iowa Cavaliy, camp a iniddle-

aged but vigorous contraband.

Innumerable questions

FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM.

47

observing, — 'See

were being propounded

to him,

when a corporal advanced
before you can
enter the

here, Dixie,

service of the United States you must be sworn.'
<

Yes, massa, I do dat,' ho replied

;

when

the corporal

continued;

Well then, take hold of the Bible,' holding out a letter was delineated the Goddess of Liberty, standing on a Suffolk pig, wearing the emblem of
*

envelope, upon which

our country.

The negro grasped
by saying:

the envelope cautiously

with his thumb and finger, when the corporal proceeded
to administer the oath
*

You do solemnly swear

that you will support the Con-

Btitulion of the

United States, and see that there are no
all times.'
; '

grounds floating upon the cofiee at
'

Yes, mass?
*xvt.'

do

dat,'

he replied

I allers settle

him

in de coile'^

Ho'"^ he let go the envelope to gesticulate by a

down-

ward
'

thrust of his forclinger the direction that would be

given to the coficc grounds for the future.

Never mind how you do
Lordy massa,

it,'

shouted the corporal,

*

but

hold on to the Bible.'
'

I forgot,' said the negro, as

he darted

forward and grasped the envelope with a firmer clutch,

when the corporal continued
'

;

And you do
when

solemnly swear that you will support the
ppit

Constituiion of all loyal States, and not
plates

upon the

cleaning them, or wipe them with your shirt*

bIccvcs.'

Uere a frown lowered upon

the

brow of the negro,

his

eyes expanded to their largest dimensions, while his lips

protruded with a rounded form as he exclaimed

48

OLD abe's jokes.
I allers

«Lordj, massa, I never do dat.
tiice.
*

washes him

Ole missus mighty

'ticler 'bout dat.'

Never mind ole missus,' shouted the corporal, as he and do you solemnly swear that you will put milk into the cofiee every morning, and see that the ham and eggs are not cooked too much or too little.' * Yes, I do dat, I'se a good cook.' * And lastly,' continued the corporal, ' you do solemnly swear that when this war is over you'll make tracks for Africa mighty fast.'
resumed
:

«

<

Yes, massa, I do dat.
regimental

I allers wanted to go to Chee-

cargo
HfciO the

when Tom Benton
duly sworn in

K. of the

first

drum beat up for dress parade, being his name was declared and commissioned as chief-cook in Company Iowa Cavalry.

— that

The
ers, in

JeflF.

Da.vis

Confederacy

is

getting so hard up for
seizure of tobacco-chew-

troops, that it has

commenced the
'

order to secure their

old soldiers.'

Lincoln and Col. Weller.

Minister to Mexico.
to

Weller was at Washington settling his accounts as After their adjustment, he concluded

pay

his

respects to Mr. Lincoln, with

whom

he had

served in Congress.
sion,

He

called at the Presidential
'

manmost

and was courteously received.

Mr. President,' said
I
ns^^iiinoc

Colonel "Weller,

I

have called on you to say that

keartily endorse the conservative position you have

FBESn FROM ABRAHAM

S BOSOM.

49

and will stand by you as long as you prosecute the war for the preservation of the Union and the Constitution.'
*

Colonel Weller,' said the President,
*

'

I

am

heartily glad

to hear you say this.'
«

Yes, Mr. President,' said Weller,
'

I desire

an appointment to aid in this work.'

What

do

you want, Colonel?' asked
pointed

Abraham.

'/

desire to hz ap-

Commodore
: '

in the Navy,^ said Weller.

The

Presi-

dent repled

Colonel, I did not think you had any ex«

perience as a sailor.'
"Weller
;
'

I never had,

Mr. President,' said

but,

judging from the Brigadier-Generals you
in Ohio, the less experience a
attains.'
: '

have appointed

man
!'

has, the

higher position he

Lincoln turned

off

with a

hearty laugh, and said

I

owe you

one. Colonel

Mrs. Lincoln's Bonnet.
<

Burleigh,'

'

gets off

'

the following gossip about a bon-

net for Mrs. Lincoln

About the same number of
" For

cities

that contended
his bread."

Throngh which the

Homer dead, living Homer begged

are contending for the honor of furnishing a hat for the

head

tl>at

reclines

on Abraham's bosom.

In

New

York,

from Canal street to Fourteenth, from Philadelphia to
Bangor, can be seen on exhibition a
President Lincoln.'
'

Bonnet

for Mrs.

These establishments send on and

notify Mrs. L. that they have a love of a bonnet, which

they are desirous to present to her as a testimonial of their
loyalty and great regard for her personally. The amiable and kind-hearted lady of the White House (for such she is)
->ndescends to accept the gift,

and at once

Mrs. Lincoln's

50
Hat,'
is

OLD ABE'S JOKES.
on exhibition, and crowds
flock to sec
it.

And

such a hat! a condensed milliner's stock in trade, arched

high enough to admit a canal boat under
fluted

it,

scalloped,

and

plaited, loaded witli bugles, birds of Paradise,

French lace and gewgaws known by name only to the trade, black and white crape, with a mingling of ribbons
of
all hues,

and as many contradictions as there are

in

a

glass of punch.
Wildfire.'

A

fit

capstone to the cranium of a

*

Madge
but

Mrs. Lincoln

may wear
'

all these bonnets,
lies

judging from the specimen I saw,

uneasy

the head that

wears

'

— such a bonnet.
Honest Abe's Replies.
for his country,

Old Abe being asked what he had done
Viade the following reply
:

1st. I confiscated their cotton,
«

but in return gave them
care over North

Wool.'
2d. I have exercised a
'

Foster-ing

*

Carolina.
3d. I gave
zeal.

them a

*

Pope

'

to control their misguided

4th. Notwithstanding

the financial condition of their
'

country, I established
5th. I

Banks furnished them with a
'

in
«

New

Orleans.
'

Butler

and

'

Porter.'

6th.

When

the slaves in South Carolina

fled

from their

masters, I sent them a Hunter,'
dreds.
7th.

who found them by hun-

When

they invaded Pennsylvania to reap a har*

vest, I furnished the

Sickles

'

and gave them

*

Meade

'

to

cool their heated blood.

FEESH FBOM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM.

SI

The

Presidential

Hymn

of Thanks.

Miles O'Rielly, the soldier
Island, S.

C,

for

who was arrested on Morri? making poetry, and pardoned by the

President, in response to a witty poetical petition, has sent

a hymn of thanks
«*

to tlie President, beginning

Long

life to

you, Misther Lincoln

;

May you

die both late

and aisy

;

An' whin you lie wid the top of aich toe Turned up to the roots of a daisy. May this be youi epitaph, nately writ Though thraitors abused him vilely. He was honest an' kindly, he loved a joke,
'

An' he pardoned Myles O'Rielly.' "

What Old Abe
It is a fertile country,

says of Tennessee.

and the people are putting in
difficulties.

crops after a fashion, and under

He

asked a

lady from there not long ago,
*

Will you make a crop of cotton this year V
I

'

am

going to

try.'

'

How many

*

hands have you got V One woman.'
Abe, that a crop of coiton 'made
'

It struck me, says

by
ia

one female citizen of African descent would not be what
generally nominated a *big thinq.

53

OLD abe's joees.

A
Our President

Patriotic (?) Darkey.

also tells the following story:
gur.boLfcd,;

Upon

the hurricane deck of one of our

an

elderly darkey, with a very philosophical and
tive cast of countenance, squatted

retrospec-

upon

his bundle, toast-

ing his shins against the chimney and apparently plunged
into a state of profound meditation.

Finding i;pon inquiry

that he belonged to the Ninth Illinois, one of the most gallantly behaved

Donelson

and heavy losing regiments at the Fort and part of which was aboard, began to interrogate him upon the subject
battle,
* *
«

Were you

in the fight?'

Had
No,
Yes,

a

little taste

of

it'

sa.*

Stood your ground, did you?*
sa, I runs.'

*

« Eun
*

at the first
sa,

fire,

did you

V
I

and would hab run soona, bad

knowd

it

war comin.' Why, that wasn't very creditable to your jourage.' cookin's my profesl un.' « Dat isn't my line, sa
«

* *
*

Well, but have you no regard for your rei-utation?'
Reputation's nuffin to

me by de
life

Do you
r
It's

consider your

side ob life' worth more than other peo-

ple's
*

«
'

worth more to me, sa.' Then you must value it very highly
Yes, sa, I docs, more dan
sa. for

?'

lian ob dollars

all dis wuld, more dan a milwhat would dat be wuth to a man

FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM.

55

wid de bref out ob him ? Self-preserbation am de fust law wid me.' But why should you act upon a dififcrent rule from other
'

men

?'

'Because different
L'ves;

men

set different values

upon their

mine

is

not in de market.'

it, you would have the satisfaction oi knowing that you died for your country.' ' What satifaction would dat be to to me when de powei of feelin' was gone?' Then patriotism and honor are nothing to you ?' Nufin whatever, sa I regard them as among the vani
'

" But if you lost

'

tios.'
'

If our soldiers

were like you, traitors might have broker
resistance.'
it.

up tho government without
'

Yes,

sa,

dar would hab been no help for

I

wouldnt

put

my

life in

de scale 'ginst any gobernment dat eber exloss to me.'

isted, for
'

no gobernment could replace de
?'

Do you
if

think any of your company would have missed

you
'

you had been killed
not, sa

Maybe

—a

dead white man

ain't

much

to dese

sogers, let

alone a dead nigga
me.'

but I'd a missed myself

and dat was de pint wid

Old Abe a Coward.
If Lincoln should be renominated for

the

Presidency,

why would

he be a cowardly antagonist?
to run.

Because ha

would be sure

54

OLD abe's jokes,

Abraham Advisesthe "Springs."
It is stated that

crowd
the

ol"

oHicors

Old Abe being much disgusted at the who some time ago used to loiter about and he
:

Washiuytou

hotels,

ed to a

member of Congress

is reported to have reuiark" These fellows and ike Con'

grvssmen do vex
*

me

sorely, they should certainly visit the

Springs.'

Lincoln 'Mctaiic

Ring.*

The new
its use,

fractional notes have

upon the face a

faint oval

ring of bronze encircling the vignette.

Upon being asked

Mr. Lincoln said: 'It was a faint attempt on the

part of Mr. Chase to give the currency a metalic ring.'

Abe tells the following story about a drunken captain who met a private of his company in the same condition. The captain ordered him to halt,* and endeavoring in vain
'

to

assume a firm position on
exclaimed
:

his feet,

and

to talk with digI'll

nified severity,
t'l

*

Private Smith,
*

give you

)hic) lour o'clock to gissober in."

Cap'n,' replied the
I'll

Boldicr, *a3 you'r (hie)

sight drunkerniam,

give

you

t'l

five o'clock to gissober in.'

Old Abe tells the following anecdote of a prisoner, a Union soldier, a droll-looking fellow. I accosted him with, Well, my fine fellow, what are you in hero for V
'

FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM.
*

55

For taking something,' he
Why,' said
to he,
'

replied.
I did

'What do you mean?'
not feel very W3ll, and

'

one morning

went
time,

sec the surgeon.

He was

busy writing at

tlie

and when I went in he looked at me, sayiiiLi-, ' Well, you do look bad; you had better take something,' lie then went on with his writing, and left me standing be1 looked around, and saw nothing I could take hind him.
except his watch, and I took that.

That's what I

am

in

here

for,'

A Good Word
It is

for Mr. Lincoln.

some amend3

for the ridicule

sparingly heaped by certain presses upon

which has been unMr. Lincoln,

that the London Spectator, one of the most intelligent

and

most respectable journals

in
:

Europe, finds occasion for the

following words about him

ever been treated, and although he
risen fully
to the level of a great

Mr. Lincoln has been treated, as few governors have may not always have
emergency, he has
sel-

dom

failed to

display a noble

impartiality, a great firmif

ness of purpose, and a sagacious,

somewhat

utilitarian

judgment.

We

believe a juster

man never

held the reins

of government.*

Sinecure vs Water-cure.
* The private secretary of the President is a wag. A young man decidedly inebriated, walked into the cxecuUve mansion and asked for the President.

56
«

OLD ABE'S JOKES,

What
Oh,
I

do you want with him V inquired the Secretary.

<

want an

office

with a good salary— a sinecure.'
'•

«

Well,' replied the Secretary,

I

can

tell

thing better for you than a sinecure

— you

you somehad better try

water

cure.'

A

new

idea seemed to strike the young inebriate and

ho vamosed.

The Negro

in a

Hogshead.

Abe

often laughs over the following:

A

curious incident, which
its

escaped general attention at

the time of

occurrence, happened at police headquar-

ters during the riot.

While President Acton was giving

some
to

final

orders to a squad of

men who were

just leaving

combat the crowd in First avenue, a wagon containing a hogshead was driven rapidly up to the Mulberry street door, by a lad who appeared much excited and almost
breathless.
'

What have you

there,

my

lad

?'

said the President.

*

Supplies for your men,' was the answer.

*

What
It is

are they

?'

«

an assorted

lot, sir

;

but the people says

it's

con-

traband.'

Being exceedingly busy, the President ordered the wa-

gon to be driven round to the Mott street entrance, where an oHiccr was sent to look after the goods. When tlie wagon arrived the officers were about to tip the cask out, but where prevented by the boy, who exclaimed * Wait a minute, bring me a hatchet.' A hatchet was

"FRESH
Lrouglit,

FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM.

"

57

and the little fellow set to work imheading the and as he did so the officers were astonished to see two full grown negroes snugly packed inside. Upon being assured by the lad that they were safe they raised their Leads, took a long snuff of fresh air, and exclaimed, 'Bress
cask,

deLord!'
Tiie

hoy stated that the rioters had chased the poor un-

fortunates into the rear of some houses on the west side of

the town, and that they had escaped by scaling a fence and landing in a grocer's yard that the grocer was friendly to ihem, but feared his place might be sacked if they were found there. He accordingly hit upon this novel plan of getting them out, and while he kept watch
;

in front the

boy coopered the negroes up.
off

The cask was
the

then rolled out like a hogshead of sugar, placed in

wagon and driven
quarters, thankful

to

Mulberry
still

street.

The colored

heroes of this adventure
to

may

be found at police licad-

the ingenuity and daring of those

who suggested and carried out this singular method of savmcr them from violence.'

Mr. Lincoln's Kind-Heartedness.

*An

incident connected with Mr. Shultz illustrates the

kind-heartedness of Mr. Lincoln.

On his return from his former imprisonment, on parole, young Shultz was sent to Carnp Parole, at Alexandria. Having had no furlough
tlie -war,

since

efforts -were

made, -without success,
;

to

get

him liberty
faith in the

to

pay a brief

visit to his friends

but having

soldier's

widowed mother

warm-heartedness of the President, the young -wrote to Mr. Lincoln, stating

OLD ABE'S JOKES,
that he had been in nearly every battle
foug.-ht

by the army

of the

Potomac, had never asked a furlough, was now a
consequence unable to perform
his brothers

paroled prisoner, and in
active duties, that

two of

bad also served in
trust in the Pres-

the array, and

ashing that he be allowed to visit home,

that she might see him once more.

Her

ident was not unfounded.

He

immediately caused a fur-

lough to be given to her son, who, shortly before he was

exchanged, visited his family, to their great surprise and
joy.

o
" Dat's what Skeered 'em so bad!"

Says Lincoln,

*

"We were passing along the wharves a

few days ago, wondering at the amount of business that was there transacted. While standing observing a cargo
of horses being transferred from a vessel to the shore, an
*

old contraband' appeared at our elbow, touching his fur

hat,

tery
'

and scraping an enormous upon us with the following
Well, boss,

foot.

He

opened

his bat-

how

is

yer
;

?'

* *

Pretty well, daddy
I'se fuss rate, I is.

how

are you

?'

B'long to Old Burnemside's boys,

does yer
<

V
Great boys,
ain't they ?'
I

Yes, I belong to that party.

<

Well
is,

thought yer b'longed to dat party.
YeS;
sir.

he

dat's sartin.

We waited

Great man, and waited we
;

heard yer was coming' but we mos guv yer up.
jest did
;

'Deed we

but one mornin'

we

licard do big guns,

way down
rail track.

ribber, go bang, bang, bang, and de folks round yer began

to cut dar stick mitey short,

and trabble up de

FRESH PROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM.

59

Den

bress dc good Lord,

wejield our jaw,
stick, too,

we knowed yer was coming, but Bymeby de sojcrs begun to cut dar
!

and dey did trabble
!

Goramity, 'pears dey

made de dirt fly Ya, lia !' Why, were tliey scared so bad ?' 'De sogers didn't skeer um so much as dem biack
*

boats.

Kase, yer

see,

de sojers shot solid
;

balls,

and dey not mind

dem so much but when dera boats say b-o-o-m, dey knowd dc rotten balls was comin, and they skeeted quickern a streak of
litenin.'

«

'What! rotten balls did the boats throw at them ?' Dont yer know ? What, dem balls dat arc bad, dar
;

rotten
bil

iiy all to bits

— 'deed does dey — play de very
dem derc
balls
:
'

deb-

wid

yer.

No

dodgin'

kase yer dun-

no wliarc dey Ty too— strike yah and

fly

yaudah

;

dat'a

what skecred 'cm so bad!' ' Well, what are you going
*

to

do when the
dis

wars over V
Pretty

Duuno, 'praps
so, I guess.

I

goes

NotT wid
tcr

crowd.

much

Tears

me

dis child

had better be

movin'.'

-o^-

The Darned Thing.
«

The

following was told of a soldier wounded by a shell

from Fort Wagner.
mutilated arm.
'

He was
?'

going

to

the

rear with a

Wounded by

a shell

he was asked.
'

'

Yes.' he coolly answered,

I

was right under the darnout.'

ed thing when the bottom drooped

60

OLD ABE'S JOKES,

I

he President shaking hands with

Wounded

Rebels.

A correspondent,
following incident:
'

who was with

the President on the

occasion of his recent visit to Frederick, Md., tells the

After leaving Gen. Richardson, the party passed a

house in which was a large number of confederate wounded.

By

request of the President, the party alighted and

Mr. Lincoln, after looking, remarked to the wounded confederates that if they had no
entered the building.
objection he would be pleased to take them by the hand.

He
it

said the solemn obligations wliich

we owe

to our coun-

try and posterity compel the prosecution of this war, and

followed that

many were our enemies

tlirough uncon-

trollable

circumstances and he bore them no malice, and

could take them by the hand with sympathy and good feeling.

After a short silence the confederates came forward,
silently but fervently

shook the hand of the Mr. Lincoln and Gen. McClellan then walked forward by the side of those who were wounded too severely to be able to arise, and bid them to be of good cheer assuring them that every pos:=ibie care should be bestowed upon them to ameliorate their condition. It was a moving scene, and there was not a dry eye in the
President.
;

and each

building,

cither

among

the

nationals

or confederates.

Both the President and Gen. McClellan were kind in tlieir remarks and treatment of the rebel suflferen during
this

remarkable interview.'

Pedlar made to swallow hrs own Pies,

Wc
tlic

have read frequent allusions to the rough points

id

character of General Nelson,

who

has succeeded,

believe, to the

command

of Gen. Mitchell's division.

we The
it

following account of one of his performances sounds so

much

like other things alleged of him, that

we

suspect

maj be accounted

at least half true,

and may not be out

of place in Old Abe's Jokes

Gen. Nelson, the commander of our division, occasionally coraes dashing through camp, bestowing a gratuitioua

cursing to some offender and

is off

like a shot.

He

is

a

great, rough, profane old fellow

— has

followed the seas
fire-

many
tliat

years.

He

has a plain, good, old fashioned
is

place kindness about him that

always shown to those

do their duty.

But offenders meet with no mercy at

his hands.

that

The General hates pedlars. There are many come about the camp Belling hoe-cakes, pies, milk,
Cracker-fed-soldiers are free
;

&c., at exorbitant prices.

with their monev
article if they

they will pay ten times the value of an
it.

want

The other day the General came

across a pedlar selling something that he called pies, not

the delicious kind of pies that our Northern mothers n»ake

— the
sick

very thought of which even

now makes me home

but an indigestible combination of flattened dough

and wolly peaches, minus sugar, minus spice, minus everything that is good any of which the General swore would kill a hyena deader than the devil. What do you charge for those pies?' belched out the General.

<

«

Fifty cents apiece,' responded the pic-man.

'

Fifty cents

^2

OL^ ABE'S JOKES,
<

apiece, for pies,' roared the General.

Now, jou

infernal

swindling pirate,' roared he, letting
rifled oaths, that fairly

fly

one of his great
'

made

the fellow tremble,

I

want

you

to

go

to

work and cram every one of
let you.

those pies

down

you as quick as the Lord will
villain.'

Double quick, you

Expostulations, appeals, or promises were of no

avail,

and the pedlar was forced, to the great amusement

of the soldiers, to

down

half a dozen of his

own

pics

all

he had

left.

*

Now,' said the General to the fellow, after
his repast,

he had finished
medicine

as tho certain doctor that

and if ever I catch you back here again, swindling my men, I'll hang you.' The man do'

was forced

and stood looking as dcatli-like to swallow his own

leave,

parted.

Old Abe occasionally Browses Around.

A

party of gentlemen, among

whom was

a doctor of di-

vinity of great comeliness of manner called at the White

House, to pay their respects to the President.

On

in ^uir-

ing for that dignitary, the servant informed them that the

President was at dinner, but he would present their
carda.

The doctor demurred
them
it

to this, saying they

would
to

not disturb Mr. Lincoln, but would call again.
persisted in assuring

Michael
In a

would make no difference

the President, and bolted in with the cards.

i'ew

minutes, the President walked into the room, with a kind,
ly salutation,
seats.

was

so

and a request that the friends would take The doctor expressed his regret that their visi; ill-timed, and that his Excellency was disturbed
*
!

while at dinner.

no consequence at

all,'

said the

FRESH FROM ABRAMAM'S BOSOM.
good-natured Mr. Lincoln
present,
:

63
is

'

Mrs. Lincoln

absent at

and when she

is

away, I

generally

browse

around.'

Mr. Lincoln and the Barber.

The other day a
"U^ashington,

distinguished

public

officer

was
«

at

and

in

an interview with the President, inWell,

troduced the question of slavery emancipation.

you
not

see,'

said

Mr. Lincoln,

'

we've got to be mighty
If we're

cautious

how we manage

the negro question.
Illinois,

we

shall

be like the barber out in

who was

shaving a fellow with a hatchet face and lantern jaws
like mine.

Tlie barber stuck his finger in his customer's

mouth

to

make
If

his

cheek stick out, but while

sliaviuff

away he

cut through the fellow's cheek and cut off

his

own

finger!

we

don't play mighty smart about the

nigger

we

shall do as the barber did.'

Old Abe on the " Compromise."

When the conversation
the ilissouri Compromise,

turned upon the discussion? as to
it
:

elicited the following quaint
«

remark from the President
(sic) to find

It

used to amuse n.e some

that

tlie

slave holders wanted

more

territory,

because they had not room enough for their slaves, and yet they complained of not having the slave trade, because
they wanted more slaves for their room.'

64

OLD ABE'S JOKES,

Old Abe on Banks' Expedition.

Wlien Gen. Banks was fitting out his expedition to New it will be remembered that the Prcident used to answer all questions as to its destination with great frankOrleans,
ness,

by saying that

it

was going South.

Sufficient

Cause for Furlough.

from an indignant private, which speaks for
President

President Lincoln received the following pertinent letter itself: " Dear

I have been in the service eighteen months, and have never received a cent. I desire a furlough for fifteen days, in order to return home and remove my family
I

to the poor house.'
It's

The President granted
true.

the furlough.

a good story and

The President on " Mud."

By

special permission of the

<

Censor of the Press,' we

are allowed to mention that the President, on alighting from his carriage, after his late Aquia Creek excursion,

remarked,
hub.'

'

that

it

was

all

nonsense to say Virginia was
it

disafi"ectcd, as

he had found

a Clay State up to the

FRESH PROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM.

65

Lincoln on his Cabinet

*'

Help."
-with

A
net,

prominent senator was remonstrating

Mr. Lin-

coln a few days ago about keeping Mr. Chase in his Cabi-

when Now,

it

and
'

nail, to

was well known that Mr. C. Mr. Lincoln's re-election.
'

is

opposed, tooth

was elected I resolved to hire my four Presidential rivals, pay them boss.' These were Seward, their wages, and be their Chase, Cameron and Bates but I got rid of Cameron after As to discharging Chase or he had played himself out. Seward, don't talk of it. I pay them their wages and am
see here,' said the President,
I
'
;

when

their boss, wouldn't let either of

them out on the loose

for

the fee simple of the

Almaden

patent.'

Mr. Lincoln and the Millerits.
.

A

gentleman,
it

it is

said,

sometime ago hinted to the Presettled
office,

sident that

was deemed quite

that

accept a re-nomination for his present

he would whereupon Mr.
in

Lincoln was reminded of a story of Jesse Dubois, out
Illinois.

Jesse, as State Auditor,

House at Springfield. and asked the use of it
asked Jesse.
*

had charge of the State An itinerant preacher came along On what subject ?' for a lecture.
'

On the second coming of our Saviour,' an* swered the long-faced Millerite. 'Oh, bosh,' retorted
if

uncle Jesse, testily, 'I guess
to Springfield,

our Saviour had ever been
his life, lied

smart

to tliink

and had got away with of <;oming back again.'

be too

This, Mr. Lincoln

^id, was very much his case about th^ succession.

66

OLD A6E*S JOKES.

A Good One

by Old Abe.

The President is rather vain of his height, but one day & young man called on him who was certainly three inches
taller than

the

former

;

he was like the mathematical
line,
'

definition of the
*

straight

length

without breadth.
to

Really,' said

Mr. Lincoln,

1

must look up

you

;

if

you

ever get into a deep place you ought to be able to
out.

wade

Tanning Leather.

During the siege of Vicksburg, several
upon General Grant

politicians called

to talk about political matters.

Gen.

Grant

listened to tliem for a few moments,

and then inter-

rupted them,
polities

saying: 'There
1

is

no use of talking about

know nothing about the subject, and" furthermore, I don't know of any person among my acquainBut there is one subject with which I am tance who does.
to

me.

acquainted, talk of that, and
that.

1

am your

man,'

*

What
'

is

General

?'

asked the politicians, in surprise.

Tan-

ning leather,' replied General Grant.
father

General Grant's

was

a

wealthy tanner out west, before the rebellion,
assisted in conducting the business.

and the General

FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM.

67

Southern

'•

Happiness."

Old Abe declares, in epigrammatic phase, * the only happy people in the Confederacy are those who have black
hearts or black skins.'

means that and the rebel speculators are all rascals together, and that the blacks are never happy until they
Reduced
to plainer English, this confession

the rebel rulers

begia to run away from such contaminating influences.

Lincoln's Advice.

President Lincoln
cares of
his office

is

not so far weighed

down by

the

tliat

he cannot

still

tell

a good story.

He

is

greatly bothered, as a matter of course, by

men who

have got some patent plan for conqueriing the rebels. One

man has an

invention which, if applied to our ships, will

enable them to batter
southern coast.
sail

down every

rebel fort on the entire

Another has a river gunboat, which can
the Mississippi, without the fear of a

straight

down

rebel shell or ball,

and

so on.

A

few days ago a western
pro-

farmer sought the President day after day, until he
cured the much-desired audience.

He,

too,

the successl'ul prosecution of the war, to
listened as patiently as he could.

had a plan for which Mr. Lincoln

'vFhen he

was through,
telling
?

he asked the

opinion of the

President upon his plan.
I'll

'Well,'
story.

said

Mr.

Lincoln,

'

answei by

you a

You have heard

of Mr. Blank, of Chicago

He

68

OLD ABE'S JOKES,
loafer in his way, in fact, never did any-

was an immense
thing in his
in the price
life.

One day he got crazy over a great rise of wheat upon which many wheat speculators
l>lauk started
oft'

gained large fortunes.

one morning

to

one of the most successful of the wheat speculators, and
with much entliusiasm laid before him a
he, the said Blank,
rich.

plan' by which was certain of becoming independently
'

When
:

he had finished, he asked the opinion of his

hearer upon his plan of operations.
follows
«
'

The reply came
to

as

My

advice

is
'

that you stick
is

your
?'

business.*
'

But,'

asked Blank,
sure,

what

my

business

I

don't

know, I'm
ever
it is

what

it is,'

says the merchant, 'but what'

I would
'

advise you to stick to it!'

And now,

said

Mr. Lincoln,

I

mean nothing

offensive, for I

know you

mean
ness

well, but I think you had better stick to your busiand leave the war to those who have the responsibiliWhether the former was satisfied ty of managing it !'
I

or not

cannot say, but ho did not tarry long in the Presi-

dential mansion.

Old Abe Appoints a General.

One of

the

new

levies of troops required the appoint-

ment of a large additional number of Brigadier and Major Among the immense number of applications, Generals. Mr. Lincoln came upon one wherein the claims of a certain worthy (not in the service at all) 'for a generalship' were glowingly set forth. Bnt the applicant didn't specify whether he wanted to be Brigadier or Major General. The Preeident observed this difficulty, and solved it by a lucid

FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM.
endorsement.

69

The

clerk, on receiving the paper again,
its

found written across

back, 'Major General, 1 reckop',

A. Lincoln.'

A

Practical Joke, not exactly Old Abe's, however.

Quite a commotion was

created in a Bleecker street

boarding-house by the arrest of two Southern gentlemen
Messrs. Joyce and Richardson, of Baltimore, for violating
their parole

and returning

to the North, after

having been

sent to Dixie.

On

the occasion of their last arrest, several

ladies, residing at their boarding-house,

used some very
their

expressive language, and rather

tersely expressed

" feelinks" on the

— to them — outrageous manner the
its

gov-

ernment sought to vindicate
the

authority.

Doubtless, all

women were
man
;"

perfectly loyal,

and each would gladly

take the oath of allegiance to the government, or " any
other

but evidently some sarcastic old gentleman
it,

did not believe

and

in order to test the question con-

cocted the following letter, which was duly directed and

forwarded to the lady of
picious
:

whom
Army,

he appeared most sus-

Headquarters U.

No.
Mrs.

S.

street.

New
is

York, February

,

1864.

respectfully requested to call at the above

headquarters within six days, for examination on matters
of importance which will then be stated to her.

By Order

of the Military Department,

A.

S.

Jones,

Assistant Adj.-General.

Bring

this notice

with you.

70

OLD abe's jokis,

On

receipt of this notice, the lady, to

whom
The

it

was ad-

dressed, began to feel some misgivings.

oftener she

read the mandate the more nervous she became, until at
length, like a

woman

of spirit, she determined to present

herself before the " powers that be,"

and await whatever
felt

explanation might be given.

Conscious that in no act oi
certain tha

deed

liad she

been a disloyal woman, she

had any knowledge of the words she liad made use of on the occasion referred to, they would overlook the hasty expressions of an affectionate nature, excited by the midnight arrest of those whom she had hitherto looked upon as peaceful, law-abiding citizens. Accordingly, the lady visited at the number indicated in the note, but discovered there no signs of military headquarters. On the next block, in the same street, were the headquarters of General Dix. Determined to have a clear Being stopped by the record, the lady proceeded tliitlier. sentinel, she requested an audience with General Dix, and in due course found herself in the presence of that polite and patriotic ofiicer. The interview was substantially as
if the military authorities

follows

:

Lady

:

I called, sir, to

know what

this letter

means.
:

General (after reading the document, smiling)

My

dear

Madam, I am
is

quite as ignorant as you seem to be.
S.

There
or to

no such person as A.

Jones on

my

staff,

my

knowledge, connected with the military forces of the Unitod
States, at present

on duty

in this city.
:

Lady
meant

(very

much

relieved)

I

thought

so, sir,

but X
sir,

to be certain.

I believe I liave

been hoaxed,

because I

am

from Baltimore, and resided at the house

FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM.

71

person has sent

where Mr. Joyce was recently arrested. me this to annoy me.
General
:

Some wicked
I don't

Doubtless that

is

the case,

Madam, but

see that I (fan help you.

Lady
Bend a

:

I

wish you could.

I declare I

would get you to

file

of soldiers after the scamp that has sent thia

message to me.

General (smiling)
that I see,

;

arrest that I cannot be a party to
is

That would indeed be an arbitrary and your only remedy,
;

to be patient, until, perhaps, the individual
his

himself shows

hand, and then you

may punish bim

through the
:

civil law.

Lady Thank
General
:

you, General.

I

am

norry I have troubled

you, but I felt anxious to appear right in the matter.

No

apologies,

my

dear

Madam.

Thereupon, the General bowed the lady out, and, perhaps, smiled inwardly at her confusion, as he proceeded to

transact his usual business.

It is

unnecessary to describe

wended her way homeward, and our reporter drops the curtain upon the scenes in a certain private room of that boarding-house,
the feelings of the lady as she joyfully

when Mrs.

W

revealed to her confidential friends

how
is

she had been the victim of a practical joke.

A

rod

being pickled for the practical joker, and
prising if a

it

will be sur-

plying

it

to

woman's wit does not find some means of apthe back of the me&n-spirited hound.
o-

Old Abe and His Tod.

*For occasional

sallies of

genuine original wit, give va

a country grocery on winter evenings and rainy days, and

72i

OLD ABE'S J0KE3,

the bar rooms of country hotels.
following,

As an

instance take the

which occurred in a bar-room.

There was
a democrat,

quite a collection, and our friend S.,

who

is

and friend M., who

is

a republican, had been earnestly but
;

pleasantly discussing politics

and as a

lull
:

took place ia

the conversation, S. spoke up as follows
*

M.,

how many

public

men

arc there

who

are

really

temperance men V
'

Oh, I don't know,' replied M.

'Well,' said S., *I don't

know
side,

of but one that

I

can

speak
Cass.'
'

positively

of on our

and that

is

General

Well,' said M., promptly,
side, certain.'

*

there

is

President Lincoln

on our
< '

Guess Guess

not,' said L., incredulously.
yes,' replied

M., warmly.
to say that President Lincoln is

«

But you don't pretend

a temperance man,' asked S. < Yes, I do,' answered M.,
ment.'
*

'

and can maintain the stateas fond
«

Well,

now
it

I tell

you that Abraham Lincoln

is

of his tod as any

man

living,' replied S., earnestly,

and

I

can prove
'

to you.'

Well, I

tell
;
'

you that he
is

isn't,'

replied M.,

who began

to

get excited

that he

as pure

and

strict

a temperance

man
'

as there is in the country.'

I contend,' replied S.' with

provoking coolness,
it is

'

that

Abraham

Lincoln

is

£0 fond of his tod that

the last

thing he thinks of when he goes to bed, and the he wakes in the morning.'

first

when

FRESH PROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM.
«

73

It's

a confounded locofoco

lie !'

exclaimed M., springing

to Lis feet.
'

wife's
'

Hold on, friend M.,' said S., what was Lincoln's name before slie was married V Todd, by ihunderr exclaimed M., jumping more than a
'

foot

from the

floor

;

«

boy's let's

adjourn to

ti''^.

other

room.'

Pluck to the Toe-Nail.
«

A wag

thus describes the constitution of his

company
gradpres-

»f volunteers
'I'm captain cf the Baldinsville company.
I riz

ooaly but majes'icly from drummer's secretary to
ent position.
I

my

determined to have
comniandin'

my company composed
there ain't no

excloosively of oCQssers, everybody to rank as brigadier-

gencrah
jelusy
;

As

all

air

ofiissers

and as we

air all cxceedin' smart, it taint

worth

idee of a company composed excloosively of commanders-in-chief orrig-

while to try to outstrip each other.

The

gcrnated
sidered

I

spose I skursely need say, in this brane.

Con-

as

an idee,

I

flatter

myself

it's

pretty helTy.

We've got the tackticks
pareickly excol in
kits with
is

at our tongs' end, but

what we
We'll

restin' muskits.

We
do
its

can rest musdooty.

anybody.

Our corpse
till

will

be cliopt into sassiage meet before we'll exhibit our coat
tails to the foe.

We'll fight

there's nothing left to us

aut our

little toes,

and even they shall defiently wriggle.'

74

OLD abe's jokes,

The National Joker and

the Nigger Mathenatician.

A

gentleman,

who

liappcned to Lave an interview with

the national joker just previous to the battle of Gettys-

burg, ventured to turn the conversation on the rebel in-

vasion

of Pennsylvania, and

made
'

tlie

remark that the

rebels were splendidly armed.

There's no doubt of that,'

because we supplied them with the The visitor expressed a confident hope, liowever, that Meade would be able to beat Lee and capThe President grinned to the utture his whole army. most extent of his classic mouth, and remarked that he was afraid there would be too much nigger mathematics' in
replied

Mr. Lincoln,
had.'

'

best

we

«

it.

Tlie visitor smiled at the allusion, as he felt

bound
I

in

politeness to do, supposing that
in
it,

there must be something
'

though he could not see the point.

But

suppose

you don"t know what nigger mathematics is," continued Lay down your hat for a minute, and Pll Mr. Lincoln.
'

tell you.'

He
his

himself resumed the sitting posture, leaned
chair, elevated
'

back in

his heels

on the table, and

There was a darkey in my neighwent on with his story. borhood called Pompey, who, from a certain quickness in figuring up the prices of chickens and vegetables, got the Mr. Johnson, reputation of being a mathematical genius. a darkey preacher, heard of Pompey, and called to see Hear ye're a great mat'm'tishun, Pompey. Yes, him. Bar, you jus try. Well, Pompey, I'ze compound a problem Now, Pompey, s'pose der in mat'matics. All right, sar. am tree pigeons sittin on a rail fence, and you fire a gun Two, ob coors, at 'era and shoot one, how many's left ?

FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM.
replies

75
Ya,
ya, ya,
;

Pompey, aftor a
;

little

wool-scratching.

laughs Mr. Johnson
derc's none left
;

I

knowed you was a
dead,
say,'

fool,

Pompey

one's

and d'udder two's flown
continued Mr. Lincoln

away. That's what makes me

that

Pm

afraid there will

be too much nigger mathe-

matics in the Pennsylvania

campaign.'

And

the

result

showed

that, in this instance at least, the anecdote suited

Lee's army was the three pigeons. One of them was taken down at Gettysburg, but the other two flew off

the fact.

over the Potomac.

Big Brindle and the Highfalutin Colonel.

President Lincoln

tells the

following story of Col.

W

who had been
had made
liim

elected to the Legislature,

and had also

His elevation, however, somewhat pompous, and he became very On his farm he bad a very fond of using big words. large and mischievous ox called Big Brindle,' which frequently broke down his neighbors' fences, and committed other depredations, much to the Colonel's annoyance. One morning after breakfast in the presence of Mr. Lincoln who had stayed with' him over night, and who was on his way to town, he called his overseer and said
been judge of the county court.
'

to him
«

Mr. Allen,

I desire

you

to

impound Big Brindle,

in

order that I

may hear no

animadversions on his eternal

depredations.'

Allen bowed and walked

off,

sorely

puzzled to

know
town,

what the Colonel meant

So

after Col.

W.

left for

76

OLD ABB'S JOKES,
aslb.ed

he went to his wife and
telling
*

her what Col.

W.

meant by

impound tht ox. Why, he meant to tell you
him
to
left to

to put

him in a

pen,' said

she.

was no inconsider able one, as the animal was very wild and vicious, an after a great deal of trouble and vexation succeeded.
Allen

perform the

feat, for it

<

Well,' said he, wiping the perspiration from his brow,
'

and soliloquizing^ this is impounding, is it ? Now, I am dead sure that the Colonel will ask me if I impounded Big Brindle, and I'll bet I puzzle him as he did me.' The next day the Colonel gave a dinner party, and as he was not aristocratic, Mr. Allen, the overseer, sat down with the company. After the second or third glass was discussed, the Col. turned to the overseer and said * Eh, Mr. Allen, did you impound Big Brindle, sir ?' Allen straightened himself, and looking u"ound at the company said < Yes, I did, sir, but old Brindle transcended the impan nel of the impound, and scattcrlophisticated all over tht
equanimity of the
forest.'

The company burst
*

into an

immoderate

fit

of laughter,

while the Colonel's face reddened with discomfiture.

What do you mean by
Why,
I

that, sir

V

said the Colonel.
'

<

mean. Colonel,' said Allen,

That old Brindle,

being prognosticated with an idea of the cholera, ripped

and tared, snorted and pawed dirt, jumped the fence, tuck to the woods, and would not be impounded no hovr.' This Avas too much; the company roared agaiu, in which the Colonel was forced to join, and in the midst of the
laughter Allen left the table, saying to himself as he went,

PBESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM.
**I

77

reckon the Colonel won't ask

me

to

impound any more

oxen.'

Lincoln and the Lost Apple.
*

On

a late occasion when the White House was open to farmer from one of the border counties of
President that the Union soldiers, in

the public, a

Virginia, told the

passing his farm, had helped themselves not only to hay,
but his horse, and he hoped the President would urge the

proper
^

officer to

consider his claim immediately.
sir,'

Why, my dear

replied

Mr. Lincoln, blandly,
for

I

couldn't think of such a thing.
cases, I should find

If I consider individual

work enough

twenty Presidents.'
;

Bowie urged his needs clined good naturedly.
'

persistently

Mr. Lincoln de'

But,' said the

persevering sufferer,

couldn't you just
I'

give
'

me

a line to Col.
!'

about it? lust one line
crossing his

Ha, ha, ha

responded the amiable Old Abe, shaking
legs the other
Illinois,'
:

himself fervently, and
'

way,

that reminds

me

of old Jack Chase, out in

crowd huddled forward to listen I know him like a brother used ^0 be lumberman on the Illinois, and he was steady and sober, and the best raftsman on the river. It was quite a
this the
'

At

You've seen Jack

trick twenty-five years ago, to take the logs over the rap'ds, but

he was skillful with a raft and always kept her
Finally a steamer was put on,
!

straight in the channel.

and Jack

—he's

tain of her.

dead now, poor fellow was made capHe always used to take the wheel, going

through the rapids.

One day when the boat was plung-

78

OLD abe's jokes,

ing and wallowing along the boiling current, and Jack's
atniost vigilance

was being exercised

to

keep her in the

aarrow channel, a boy pulled
rit.h:

his coat-tail

'Say, jMistcr Captain! I wish

four boat a minute

and hailed him you would just stop
!*

I've lost

my

apple overboard

Enlisting

Negroes

in

the Union Army.

A

slaveholder from the country approached an old ac-

quaintance, also

a slaveholder, residing in Nashville, the

other day, and said
«

I

have several negro men lurking about here someI

where.

you
*

find

wish you would look out for them, and when them do with them as if they were your own.'
will,'

Certainly I

replied his friend.

A
'

few days ago the parties met aguin, and the planter
:

asked

Have you found my
I have.'

slaves

V

<
«

And where

are they

?'

*

Well, you told

my

own, and, as

I

me to do with them just as if they were made my men enlist in the Union array

I did the

same

witli yours.'

The

astonished planter absquatulated.

" Old Abe" on Temj/erance,
the Sons of Temperwas appropriately celebrated in Washington. The Sons' on reaching the White House, were invited to
'

The Twenty-first anniversary of

ance'
*

FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM.
enter the East room, which was nearly
filled

79
by the ladies
President

and gentlemen

participating in the ceremonies.

Lincoln, on entci'ing, was enthusiastically applauded, and,
in the course of his re:^ponse
Iiim, said

to the

address presented to

that

when he was

a

young man, long ago, bclbrc

the Sons of Temperance, as an organization, liad an exist-

humble way made Temperance specciies, and he thought he might say to this day he had never by As to the suggeshis example belied what he then said. tions for the purpose of the abandonment of the cause of
ence, he in an

temperance, he could not

now respond
is

to them.

To

pre-

vent intemperance in the army
rules

even a great part of the

and

articles of war.

It is a part of the

law of the

land, and

was

so he

presumed long ago,

to dismiss officers

for drunkenness.

He was

not sure that, consistently with

the public service, more can be done than has been done.
All, therefore, that he could promise,

was

to have a copy

of the address submitted to the principal departments, and

have

it

considered whether

it

contains any suggestions

which will improve the cause of temperance, and repress drunkenness in the army any better than it is already
done.

He

thought the reasonable

men

of the world had

long since agreed that intemperance was one of the greatest, if

kind.

all the evils among manThat was not a matter of dispute. All men agreed that intemperance was a great curse, but difiered about the cure. The suggestion that it existed to a great extent was true, whether it was a cause of defeat he knew not; but he did know that there was a good deal of it on the Therefore they had no right to beat us on other side. (Laughter.) 'hat ground. The remarks of the President

not the very greatest, of

80
were listened

OLD ABE'S JOKES,
to with gieat interest

and repeatedly inter-

rupted by applause.

How Bean Hackett was made a Zouave. was put through a rigid course of examination before I could be made a Zouave, and I say it with feelings of gratification and self-esteem that I was remarkably well' My father was a hero of the rO' posted in the catechism. volution, having been caught once in a water-wheel, and Others of the whirled around rapidly a number of times. family have also distinguished themselves as military men
I
at different periods, but their deeds of courage are too

well-known

to need repetition.
is

The following
thereto,

a copy verbatim

et

literatim ci

wordem

of most of the questions propounded to me and the answers

which

my

intimate acquaintance with the

Army

Regulations and the Report of the Committee on the Conduct of the
rately.

War

enable

me

to

answer readily and acculittle

My

interrogator was a

man

in Federal blue,

with gold leaves on his shoulders. with
* *

Th^y

called

him

]\Iajor,

but he looked young enough to be a minor.

He

led off

How

old are you, and what are your qualifications

?'

Then
*

Twenty-two, and a strong stomach.' I requested him to fire his interrogations singly,

which he did.

What

is

the

first

duty to be learned by a soldier

?'

*

How

to

draw

his rations.'

<

What is

the most difficult feat for a soldier to perform
his bounty.'

V

*

Drawing

FRESH PROM ABRAMAM's BOSOM.
'

81

you were in the rear rank of a company during an and the man in the front rank before you should be wounded and disabled, what would you do V * I would despatch myself to the rear for a surgeon imDaediately. Some men would step forward and take the
If
action,

wounded man's
«

place, but that

is

unnatural.'

If

you were coamianding skirmishers, and saw cavalry

advancing in the front and infantry in the rear, which

would you meet V « Neither I would mass myself for a bold movement and shove out sideways.' * If you were captured, what line of conduct would you
;

pursue
<

?

I

would treat
is

my

captors with the utmost

civility.*

«

What
What

are the duties of

Home Guards
have no

?'

«

Their duty

to see that they
?'

duties.'

*

will you take
*

Bourbon, straight !"

Uncle Abe and the Judge.
«

In the conversation which occurred before dinner, I
to observe the

was amused

manner
is

in

which Mr. Lincoln

used the anecdotes for which he

so famous.

Where men

bred in courts, accustomed to the world, or versed in diplomacy, would use some subterfuge, or would make a polite

speech, or give a shrug of the slioulders as the

means

of getting

out of an embarrassing position, Mr. Lincoln

by some bold west- country anecdote, and cloud of merriment produced by the joke. moves Thi's, when Mr. Bates was remonstrating apparently
raises a laugh
off in the

82
against
place
with,
'

OLD ABE'S JOKES,
tliC

appointment of sonic indifferent lawyer to a
importance,
the

of judicial

President interposed

Come, now. Bates, he's not half as bad as you think. Besides that, I must tell you, he did me a good turn long When I took to the law, I was going to court one ago. morning, with some ten or twelve miles of bad road before
me, and
1

had no horse.
!

The judge overtook me

in his

wagon.
house.
in,

'Hallo, Lincoln

are you not going to the court-

give you a seat.' Well, I got and the judge went on reading his papers. Presently then the wagon struck a stump on one side of the road I looked out, and I saw the it hupped oft' to the other.
in
I will
;

Come

and

driver was jerking from side to side in his scat
*

:

so says

1,

Judge,

I

think

your coachman has been taking a
'

little

drop too much
said he,
'

this morning.'

Well,

1 declare, Lincoln,'

1

should not much

wonder

if

you are right, for

he has nearly upset me So, putting his head out of the window, he shouted, you infernal scoundrel, you are drunk!' Upon
ty, the

half-a-dozen times since starting.'
*

Why,
which

pulling up his horses, and turning round with great gravi-

coacliman said.

'

By gorra

!

that's the firbt rightful
last

decision that you

have given for the

twelve month.'

While the company were laughing, the President beat a quiet retreat from the neighborhood of the AttorneyGeneral.

und patriotic citizen wlio has been di'afted has purchased a gun which he says is very sure to go off on another man's shoulders.

The

liberal

PRESn FROM ABRAHAMS BOSOM.

88

Mince Pies

vs. Tracts.

The President

says his political friends often remind
:

him

of the following story

A

rebel lady visited the hospital at Nashville one

morn-

ing with a negro servant, wlio carried a large basket on
his arm, covered with a white linen cloth.

She approach-

ed a German and accosted him thus
'

Are you a good Union man
I ish
dat,'

?'

'

Avas the laconic reply of the

German, at

the same time casting a hopeful glance at the aforesaid
basKet.
'

That

is all

I

wanted
where a

to know,'
slie

replied the lady,

and

beckoning

to the

negro to follow,

passed to the

0])i)Osito

side of the room,

rel)cl soldier lay,

the same question, to which he very promptly replied

and asked him 'Not
:

by d— d sight.' The lady thereupon uncovered the basket and laid out a bottle of wine, mince pies, pound cake and other delicacies, wliich were greedily devoured in the presence of the Union soldiers who felt somewhat indignant.

On

the following morning, however, another lady

made

her appearance with a large covered basket, and she also
accosted our

German
;

friend,

and desired

to

know
;

if

he was

a Union man.
«

I ish,

by Got

I

no care what you got

I bese Union.'

The lady
in the other.

set the basket

on the table, and our German
if it

friend thought the truth availed in this case,

did fail

But imagine the length of the poor fellow's face when the lady uncovered the basket and presented

84

OLD abe's joees,
ti

him with about a bushel of dolefully aud said
«

acts.

He

shook his head

side of 'se house need tem so

dat rebel on 'se oder more as me.' The lady distributed them and left. Not long afterwards along came another richly dressed lady, who propounded the same question to the German.
I no read English, und, peside

He

stood gazing at the basket apparently at a loss for a

reply.

At length he answered her
dis time
;

in

Yankee

style, as

follows
'

By Got, you no got me

vot you got mit the

basket T

The lady required an unequivocal reply to her question, and was about to move on when our German friend shouted
out:
<

If you got tracts, I bese

Union

;

but

if

you got mince

pie mit

pound cake unt vine, I be sesech like de tibel.' Soldiers have little deire to read tracts when they are famished for the want of those little delicacies so conducive

to the recovery of hospital patients.

When

our ladies visit

hospitals with tracts,

we should

suggest the importance ot

accompanying them with a basket of provisions ; they will
be better appreciated.

The Niggers and

the Small Pox.

I dropped in upon Mr. Lincoln and found him busily " This, sir,' said he, ' is something counting greenbacks.

out of

my

usual line

;

but a President of the United States

has a multiplicity of duties not specified in the Constitu-

FRESH PROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM.
tion

85
This

or acts of Congress.
to

This

is

one of them.
is

money belongs

a poor negro

who

a porter in one of

the Departments (the Treasury), and

who
is

is

at present
it

very bad with the small pox.
me, liowever
;

He

did not catch

from

at least I think not.
his

He

now

in hospital, his

and could not draw
name.
I
difficulty

pay because he could not sign

have been at considerable trouble to overcome the and get it for him, and have at length succeeded

you newspaper men say. I am now money and putting by a portion labeled, in an envelope, with my own hands, according to his wish;' and his Excellency proceeded to endorse the package very No one who witnessed the transaction could carefully.
in cutting red tape, as

dividing the

fail

to

appreciate the

goodness of heart which

would

prompt a

man who

is

borne down by the weight of cares
turn aside for a

unparalleled in the world's history, to

time from them to succor one of the humblest of his fellow
creatures in sickness

and sorrow.
0-

Why
The

Lincoln didn't Scop the War.

soldiers at Helena, in Arkansas, used to
tlieir first

inhabitants of that place, on

arrival,
:

amuse the by teJling

them yarns, of which the following is a sample Some time ago Jeff Davis got tired of the war, and invited President Lincoln to meet him on neutral ground
'

to discuss terms o!

peace.

after a talk concluded to

territory

and stopping the

They met accordingly, and settle the war by dividing the fighting. The North took the

86

OLD abe's jokes,

Northern States, and the South the Gulf and seaboard Southern States. Lincoln took Texas and Missouri, and Daris Kentucky and Tennessee; so that all were parceled Lincoln didn't want it— Jeff, off excepting Arkansas.
wouldn't have
that
it,
;

neither would consent to take

they split

it, and on and the war has been going on ever

since.'

Lincoln's Estimate of the " Honors."

As a

further elucidation of Mr.
is

Lincoln's estimate oJ

Presidential honors, a story
for office, of

told of

how a

supplicant

him, and, presuming on the activity he had
half of
tlie

more than ordinary pretentions, called upon shown in be*

Republican ticket, asserted as a reason why

the office should be given to him, that he

had made

Mr

Lincoln President.

« You made me President, did you
with a twinkle of his eye.
cant.
'
'

?'

said Mr. Lincoln

I think I did,' said the appli-

Then a

pretty mess you've got

me

into, that's all,*

replied the President, and closed the discussion.

Pring up de Shaclcasses, for Cot sake

I

President Lincoln often laughed over the following incident
:

One of General Fremont's

batteries of eight Parrot

guns, supported by a squadron of horse

commanded by

Major Richards, was in a sharp conflict with a battery of the enemy near at hand, and shells and shot were flying thick and fast, when the commander of the battery, a

i

FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM.

87

German, one of Fremont's

staff,

rode suddenly up to the
'

cavalry, exclaiming, in loud and excited terms,

Pring up

de sliackasses, pring up de sbackasses, for Cot sake, hurry

up de shackasso8 im-me-di-ate-ly.'
%vhen
it is

The

necessity of this

order, though not quite apparent, will

be more obvious
'

remembered that the

'

shackasses

are

mules,

carrying

mountain howitzers, which are
shackasses

tired
;

from the

backs of that much-abused but valuable animal

immediate occasion for the

'

'

and the was that two regi-

ments of rebel infantry were at that moment discovered descending a hill immediately behind our batteries. The

shackasses," with the howitzers loaded with grape and

canister,

were soon on the ground.

The mules squared
for the shock.

themselves, as they well
rific

knew how,

A

ter-

was poured into the advancing column, which immediately broke and retreated. Two hundred and seventy-eight dead bodies were found in the ravine next
volley

day, piled closely together as they
volley from the backs of the
'

fell,

the effects of that

shackasses."

Abe's Long Legs.

When

the President landed at

Bee Burnside, there

Aquia Creek, going to were boards in the way on the wharf,
'

which the men hastened to remove, but the President re-

marked,

in his usual style,

Never mind, boys; my legs
thus far through life
this difficulty.'

are pretty long, have brought

and

I think they will take

me me over

88

OLD abe's jokes,
The President and " Banks."

Loquitur an eminent Pennsylvania Congressman

:

'

Sir,

Banks
'

is

a failure, isn't
is

lie ?'
;
'

Well, that

harsh,' responds the President

but ho

hasn't
'

come up
sir,
sir,

Then,
Well,

my why don't you remove him V
to

expectations.'

*

one principal reason

is,

that

it

wovld hurt

General Banks' feelings very

much /'
0-

Old Abe's Noble Saying.
'

President Lincoln says

many homely

things and

many

His speech at the late ceremony in honor of the dead at Gettysburg proves that he can also say noIs not the following extract ble and beautiful things. worthy, in its touching simplicity, of being handed down
funny things.
to the a^ies

among the great sayings of great men
note nor long

:

'

The

world will

little

remember what we say herCf but

they can never forget what they did here,'

" Where
*

the

D

1

are the Buggies."

The

citizens of

a

small

city in

Pennsylvania, being

thrown into considerable excitement by reason of the report that the rebels under Lee were advancing upon them,
held a meeting for the purpose of organizing
into a regiment.

themselves

During the organization of the regiment, the question of arms, ammunition, etc., was being discussed, when an old gentleman, very much excited, and

FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM.

89

towering head and shoulders above the crowd, exclaimed,
in a stentorian voice
:

'Are there not any cannons to de-

fend the city

?'

Voice from the crowd

'

Yes, but they are not mounted.

Old Gent —
Voice

'

Why
the

ain't they mounted.'

from

crowd

— 'Because

we have no

carriages.

Old Gent

(Still

louder and more excited)

—*Then,

where the devil are the buggies V

"I Mean 'Honest Old Abe.'"
'

A

good story
to

is

told of an old Cleveland deacon,

who

just after Lincoln started

on

his

journey for Washington,

went

an evening prayer meeting, and being somewhat

in a hurry,

went down immediately on

his knees,

and made

an earnest prayer in behalf of the President of the United
States, asking that

God would

strengthen him and bless
le.'t

him

in all his

undertakings.

Rising from his kness he
a great hurry, and
'

the church, apparently having an earnest call elsewhere.

Presently he returned

in

plumping
it

again on his knees, thus addressed himself;
nK.y be as well for

Oh, Lord,

add as an explanation to my prayer just uttered, that by the President of the United
to

me

States I

chap who

mean honest old Abe Lincoln, and not that other is yet sitting in the national po-'t', and for whom
Amen.'

I don't care shucks.

99

Wii/ AU£io ^i>aMk

Old Abe " C'8 "
*

It.

I consoled ths

President this morning by relating to
letter
'

Lim what an unfortunate
tial

C

'

was

in the Presiden-

Chase.

A joke— do
I

you take?

I related

the late of

Crawford, Calhoun, Clay and Cass.
brightened up.
of his countenance.

The
in

Presidential eyo

saw hope displayed

every lineament
it.'

He

replied, 'I 5ce

How

quiclt

he

is

at

repartee.

How

pointed, too.

I think the

Presi-

dential heart has beat easier since the
last solace.'

administry of

my

Lincoln's Ideas about Slavery.

The
reply

siory will be ic-membered, perhaps, of Mr. Lincoln's
to a Springfield (HI.)
to

clergyman,

who asked him

what was
'

be his policy on the slavery question.
is

Well, your question
it

rather a cool one, but I will

answer
its

by telling jou a story.

the old Methodist prtiicher? and you
freshets?

You know Father B., know Fox river and
river,

Well, once in the presence of Father B., a

young Methodist was worrying about Fox
some of
er
*

and exFath-

pressing fears that he should be prevented from fulfilling
his

appointments by a freshet
his

in the river.

B. checked him in

gravest

manner.

Said he:

Young man, I have always made it a rule in my life not 'And,' said the PresL Fox river till I get to it dent, I am not going to worry myself over the slavery
to cross
'

!'

question

till I

get to

it.'

A

few

days afterwards

a

Methodist minister called on the President, and on being

FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM.
>resented to him, said simply:
<

91
I

Mr. President,

have
!'

COLIC to tell you that I think -we have got to

Fox

river

Mr. Lincoln thanked the clergyman and laughed

heartily.

Abe and
It is stated that
ofliccrs

the Distance to the Capitol.

he was much disgusted at the crowd of who sometime ago used to loiter about the "Wasli-

iiigton hotels,

and he
:

is
'

reported to have remarked to a

member of Congress These fellows and tlie Congressmen do vex me sorely.' Another member of Congress was conversing with the President, and was somewhat annoyed by
the President's propensity to divert attention from the se»
rions subject he
'

had on his mind by ludicrous allusions.

^Ir. Lincoln,' said he, 'I think

you would have your joke
'

if

yoa were

witliin a mile of hell.'

Yes,

sir,

that

is

about

the distance to the Capitol.'

Abe

thinks T. R. Strong, but Coffee are stronger.

It is told

reliable, that

by an intelligent contraband, who is probably Mr. Lincoln was walking up Pennsylvania
«

avenue the other day, relating
Sewarrl,

a

little story' to

Secretary

when jouiing the name

the latter called his attention to a
'

new
'

sign

his

of T. R. Strong.' uountenance lighting up with a peculiar smile,
'

Ha

!'

says old

Abe

T. R.

Strong, but coffee are btronger.'

Seward

smiled, but

made

no reply.

92

OLD abe's jokes.

Putting Salt on the

Monitor's Tall.

War

is

a pretty serious busineFs; but they are not al-

vrays gloomy at the

War
in

Department.

When

the foolish

Washington that the Monitor had been captured, the President walked over to the War Department and asked whether the report was true*
rumor was current
'

Certainly,' replied an officer with due gravity.

'

IIow did the rebels succeed in capturing her
putting salt on her
tail,'

?'

asked

the President.

By The
<

was the
'

reply.

President's only answer was,

I

owe you one*

Old Abe Never Heard of

it

Beforo,

Some moral philosopher was
to explain at

telling the President one

day about the undercurrent of public opinion.
length,

He went on

and drew an illustration from the ^Icditerranean Sea. The current seemed very curiously to flow in both from the Black Sea and the Atlantic Ocean, but a shrewd Yankee, by means of a contrivance of floats, had
discovered that at the outlet into the Atlantic only about
thiity feet of the surface water flowed inward, while there

was

a tremendous current under that flowing out.
'

'

Well,'

said Mr. Lincoln,

any story

I

much bored, that don't remind me of ever heard of.' The philosopher des))aired of
and
left.

making a

serious impression ly his argument,

FBESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM.

Why

Lincoln Appointed Fremont,

General Fremont stood a very small chance of being
assigned to a command.

But fortunately
the late

for him, the Prestlie

ident one morning read in a Washington paper

speed

of Col. Blair, M.

C, upon

commander
it,

in Missouri

The President having
one near him,
'

attentively perused

said to

some
W'av

Oh,

this will
liis

never do;

it's

persecution.'

Ho

put the paper in

pocket, walked over to the

Department, and in

less

than half an hour Major-Gcneral
to the

Fremont was appointed
Department.

command

of the Momitaia

Father Abraham's Good Clothes.

At

the beginning of the

war John Perry, then a

resi-

dent of Georgia, was compelled to take the oath of allegiance to the Southern Confederacy and agreed not to bear

arms against it. He removed to West Troy soon afterwards and in September was drafted. Before the time of his appearance at Albany he wrote to the Provost Marshal Genert.l, Colonel Fry, stating the dilemma, and asking
whether he could not be released from his obligation to serve Uncle Sam. The reply of Col. Fry has just been received. He states that he fully appreciates Mr. Perry's
p';*sition,

and has no idea of making him violate

his oath.

He

kindly consents, therefore, that the coDtvjript Perry

94
shall be sent to the

OLD ABE'S JOKES,

Northwest

to fight Indians

;

but he

can't for a
'

moment think of absolving him from wearing
clothes.'

Father Abraham's good

The

President says that Jeff

is

on

his Last

Legs.

Because we gave him the grant (Grant) of Vicksburg and he couldn't hold it we gave him the banks (Banks) of Port Hudson and they destroyed his best gardncr (Gardner) and all he raised during the last two years; we gave hira
;

mead (Meade)

at Gettysburg and he couldn't swallow it;

we have

his best

wagoner (Wagner)

fast

at

Charleston

;

compelled him to haul in his brag (Bragg) and get in the
lee (Lee) of his rebel army.

Old Abe on the Congressmsn.

As
bers

the President and a friend were sitting on the House

of Representatives steps, the session closed, and the
liled

mem-

out in a body.

Abraham looked

after

them with

a sardonic smile.
*

That reminds

me,' said he, 'of a little incident.

When

I

was

quite a boy,

my

flat-boat lay

Mississippi, for a day,

and
this;

I

up at Alton, on the strolled about the town I
I

saw a large stone
handsome, though, as

building, with massive walls, not so

and while
1

the iron gateway opened, and a great body of
out.
'

was looking at it, men came
and those are
all

What do you
home.

call that?'

asked a by-stander.

<That,' said he,
thieves, going

'is the State Prison,

Their time

is up.'

FRESH FEOM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM.

95

General Viele and a F"emale Rebel.

General Egbert L. Viele, Governor of Norfolk, waa
visited one day

by a lady.

He

noticed that
tlie

slie

wore the

confederate colors prominently in

shape of a brooch,

and

inildly suggested that it

would, perhaps, have been in

better taste to

come
sir,

to his office without sucli a decoration.

*I have a right,
shall wear.*
'

to consult

my own

wishes as to what I

Then, madam,' replied the General, 'permit
in

me

to claim

an equal right

choosing with

whom

1

shall

converse.'

And

the dignified lady had to withdraw from

his presence.

Lincoln on Vice and Virtu9.

Some one was smoking in the presence of the President, and complimented him on having no vices, neither drinking nor smoking. That is a doubtful compliment,' anI recollect once being outside a swered the President stage in Illinois, and a man sitting by me offered me a segar. I told him I had no vices. lie said nothing, smoked for some time, and then grunted out. It's my experiencd that folks who have no vices have plagued few
'
;

'

virtues.'

Potomac

!

Bottcmic
is,

!

I

Buttermilk

An
First,'

Old Abe of the * Io',va about the changes which a certain password undaramusing story
told by

went about the time of the battle of Springfield.

Ono t

§6
the

OLD ABE'S JOKES,

Dubuque
'

officers,

whose duty

it

was

to furuish the

guards with a password for the night, gave the word
'

Potomac
be
'

A

German on guard, not understanding
between B's and
this,
«

disit

tinctly the diffofence
to

P's,

understood

Bottomic,' and

on being transferred

to ano-

was corrupted to Buttermilk.' Soon afterward, the officer who had given the word wished to return through the lines, and on approaching a sentinel was ordered to halt and the word demanded. He gave Potomac' * Nicht right you don't pass mit me dis way.' But tliis is the word, and I will pass.' No, you stan at the same time placing a bayonet at his breast in a manner that told the officer that Potomac' didn't pass in Missouri.
ther,
'

'

'

;'

'

«

What

is

the word, then
«

?'
;

«

Buttermilk.'

*

Well, then,

Buttermilk.'

Dat

is

right

about your piziness.'
ing of the password
;

now you pass mit yourself all There was then a general overhauland the diiference between Potomac

and Buttermilk being understood, the joke became one of
the laughable incidents of the campaign.

Old Abe's Liquor for his Generals.

A

'

committee,' just previous to the fall of Vicksburg,

Bolicitcus for the

morale of our armies, took
?'

selves to visit the Pre^-idcnt

Grant.

«

What
'

for

it upon themand urge the removal of Gen. < Why,' replied said Mr. Lincoln.
'

the busy bodies,

he drinks too much whisky.'
'

Ah

!'

re-

joined Mr. Lincoln,

can you inform me, gentlemen, where

General Grant procures his whisky V

The

'

committee

FRESH FROM ABRAMAM'S BOSOM.
confessed they could not.
'Because,'
'

97

added Old Abe, with
I'll

a merry twinkle in his eyes,

If I can find out,
it
!'

send

every General in the
retired in reasonably

field

a barrel of

The

delegation

good order.

Who
The

voted for Abe, or

how

the Rebels treat a

Quaker anu

a

" Butternut."

following incident occurred at Salem, Ind., during

the raid of John Morgan.

Some of

his

men proceeded

out west of the town to burn the bridges and water-tank

on the railroad.
of persons living

On
in

the
tlie

way

out they captured a couple

whom was a The Quaker strongly objected to being made a pri^or.er. Secesh wanted to know if he was not strongly opposed to the South. Thee is right,' said the Quaker,
country, one of

Quaker.

'

«

I am.'
*

Well, did you vote for Lincoln?*
is

*Thee
*
*

right; I did vote for Abraham.*
?'

Well, what are you

Thee may naturally suppose that I am a UDion man. Cannot thee let me go to my home ?' Yes, yes go and take care of the old woman,' said
'

;

Secesh.

The other
elishing the

prisoner

was taken along with them, but not summary manner in which the Quaker was
'

disposed of, said,

What do you
Now, look

let

him go for?
to this war.

He
I

is

a

Mack
ridge,

abolitionist.

here, I voted for Breckin-

and have always been opposed

am

apposed to fighting the South, decidedly.'

98
*

OLD ABE'S JOKES,

You

are,' said

Secesh
;

;

'

you are what they
?'

call

around
'that's

here, a

Copperhead

ain't

you

*Ycs, yes,' said the Butternut,

insinuatingly;

what

all

my

neighbors call me, and they

know

1 ain't with

them.'

'Come
ternut.

here, Dave!' halloed Secesh.

'There's a But-

lierc, old man, where do you live ? We want that horse you have got to spare, and if you have got any greenbacks, just shell 'em out,' and they took all he had.'

Just come and look at him.

Look

The President on Chase's
Secretary
picture of an

Valentine.

Chase, of the Treasury Department, found
his oIBce

upon a desk in
'

what

at first appeared to be a

infernal machine,' looking very

much

like

a goose, but which on closer examination proved to be a

drawing of an ingenious invention
it,
'

for turning gold eagles

into 'greenbacks,' with the Secretary himself

operating

and slowly feeding it with yaller boys' at one end, while the government currency came out at the other end, While he was exflying about like the leaves of autumn. amining it, the President came in, as he daily does, for Mr. Chase handed him tho drawing, and consultation.
as the roguish eye of our Chief Magistrate recognised the

likeness of the Secretary, he exclaimed
'

Capital joke, isn't

it,

Mr. Chase?'
'

*

A joke,'

said the irate financier,
left it here.'

I'd give a thousand

dollars to

know who

PBE8H FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM.
'

v9

Oh,

no,'

responded Mr. Lincoln,

'

you would hardly do

that.'
'

Yes

I would,' ah;sertcd the

Secretary.

'

Would

you, thougli,' inquired the President, with that

deliberate

manner that

really in earnest

characterizes

him when he

ia

'

well, which end would you
'

pay f^f^niV

The answer

is

not

recorded.'

Old Abe and the

''

Brigadiers.**

The President has been
sayings

perpetrating one of his pungent
wight,

about that luckless

Brigadier-General

Stoughton,
illas.
'

who was
to

so unceremoniously picked up
this,

Pretty serious business,
'

by guerMr. President,' said

a

visitor,

have a Brigadier-General captured at Fair!'

lax Court response,

House
*

Oh, Ikat doesn't trouble me, was the
in five

1

can make a better Brigadier any time
it

minutes
taken.

;

but

did

worry me
!*

to

have

all those

horses

Why,

sir,

these

horses

cost us a

hundred and

twenty-five dollars a head

Mr. Lincoln and Ihe " Mediums."
*

There

is

a secret,

known only
Jlr.

to a few, in reference to
fire

the mnnncr in which our armies

commanded,' says a

New York

writer.

'

Lincoln has mediums in constant

communication with the spirit world. Each military here has a. special medium. Not a battle has been fought, except under the direct command, not of McClellau, Scott.

iOO

OLD ABE'S JOKES,

AIcDowelr, fope,W urnside, Hooker, and modern generals,
but they have acted merely as lieutenants for the master
war-spirits of the other world
!

All the generals in tho

were consulted by the spirits previous to Hooker's defeat, and the old adage proved true that too many cooks spoil the broth.' Napoleon and Wellington,
other world

and Generals Washington and Jaekson, were not at the
council
:

Napoleon, because he did not understand Lincoln's

English communications, and the Duke of Wellington, because of his contempt for them, or that anybody ia supreme

power should ask military advice. Generals Washington and Jackson would not give advice, because, though they were extremely annoyed at the dissolution of the Union, yet, as such a miserable fact had occurred, their friendly feelings were enlisted with their descendants on the side That Mr. Lincoln is guided altogether by of the South.
spiritual advisers is

now

well known.'

Old Abe's Generosity.

While President Lincoln was confined to his house with the varioloid, some friends called to sympathise with him, • Yes,' he said, especially on the character of his disease.
«

it

is

a bad disease, but

it

has

its

advantages.

For the

first

time since I have been in

office, I

have something now

to give to

every person that

calls.

FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM.

lOi

Uncle Abe and the Pass to Richmond.

A

gentleman called upon the President, and solicited a
'

pass for Richmond.

Well,' said the President,
if

'

I

would
;

be very happy to oblige,
the fact
is,

my

passes were respected

but

sir,

I have, within the past
fifty

passes to two hundred and

two years, given thousand men to go to
yet.'

Richmond, and not one has got there
quietly

The applicant

and respectfully withdrew on

his tip-toes.

How
'

Old Abe had never Read

it.

The Loyal League Convention, which was in

secret ses-

sion in Washington, brought a strong pressure to bear

on

the President for the removal of some obnoxious

members

of the cabiuet on account of their supposed conservative
views, and also for the appointment of a radical commander in Missouri, in place of Gen. Scofield. At an in-

terview, a committee of the Leaguers indignantly asked
the President whether he endorsed

Mr. Blair's Rockville
it.'

speech; to which he replied, that he 'had never read

The

feelings of the

excited radicals

may be more

easily

imagined than described at this Lincolnian stroke, and
they retired from the White House with no dim percep*
tiou of the

meaning of

'

Abe's latest and best joke.'

102

OLD abe's jokes,

Mr. Lincoln and the Counterfeit
*

Bill.

?ome one was

discussing

tlic

character of a copperhead

c'criiyman, in the presence
\\'a,<liingtoii

ol"

Mr. Lincoln, a time-serving
visitor,

clergyman.

Says Mr. Lincoln to his

'1 ihink

you are rather hard upon Mr. Blank.
in Illinois It

He

re-

minds me of a man
a coiinterleit
it bill.
it

who was

tried for passing

was

in evidence that before passing

he had taken

opinion of the
that the bill

bank and asked his and he received a very prompt reply was a counterfeit. II i3 lawyer who had
to the cashier of a
bill,

heard of the evidence to be brought against his
asked him just before going into court,
bill to
*

client,

gouil
|»ly

?

'

Did you take the the cashier of the bank and ask him if it was ' Well 1 did,' was the reply. what was the re-

of the

cashii.'r
it in

?'

The

rascal
'

was
lie

in a corner, but

he

got out of

this

fashion:

said

it

was a pretty,

tolerable, respectable sort of a bill.'

Mr. Lincoln thought
class in

the clergyman

was

'

a pretty, tolerable, respectable sort

of a clergyman.'

"We have a good many of that
though,
if

Washington,

I fear,

anybody
If

is

going to make
it

me prove
is

this Til

back down at once,

for in theye times

hard work to prove anything.
in

your neighbor

is

en-

gaged
and
if

blockade running, you can't pi-ovc him a rebel

he should chance to be a noisy

war

politician,

you

can't prove that he has sympathies

even agu»ust the gov

erumuut'

PRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM.

101/

A Whole
*

Nager.
tc

At a negro

celebration, an Irishman stood listening

Fred. Douglass,

who was

expatiating

upon

Governineut

and freedom, and as the orator came to a period rrom tlio liighcst political heights, the Irishman said : * Bedad, ho
Bpakes well lor a nager.' 'Don't you know,' said one,
is

Hhat he
style,

isn't
is

a negro? he

only half negro.'

'Only a

half nager,

he?

Well,

if

a half nager can talk in that

I'm thinking a whole nager might beat the prophet

JeremiaL'

Old Abe and the Blasted Powder.
*

A

western correspondent writes:

'

A

visitor,

congrat-

ulating Mr. Lincoln on

the prospects of his re-election,

was

answc<i'ed

by that indefatigable story-teller with an
Illinois farmer,
first

anecdote of an

who undertook

to blast his

own
'

rocks.

His

effort

at producing

an explosion

proved a

failure.

He

explained the cause by exclaiming,
''

Pshaw,

this

powder has been shot before

' Hurrah for Abe Lincoln!' shouted a little patriot on Cedar street, the other day. 'Hurrah for the Devil?' rejoined an indignant Southern

sj'mpathiser.
'

All

right,' said the juvenile
I'll

;

'

you hurrah for your

;man, and

hurrah for mine.'

104

OLD ABE'S JOKES,

The

President's Repartee,
tlie

A

difctinsruished

foreigner, dining at

Wliite House,
tlie

wished.io congratulate President Lincoln on
session of the hostess,

self-pos-

and her apparent indifference to the Having an impeculiar vexations of her new position. knowledge of our language, he expressed his idea perfect Your Excellency's lady makes it very indifby saying
:
«

ferent

!'

Observing the twinkle of the President's eye, he

endeavored to correct his language, and immediately said
with emphasis
ferent face
!'
:

*

Your Excellency's lady has a very

indif-

" Salmon the Solemn,"

vs.

Abraham

the Jocular."

The solemn versus
mittee of
call
'

t«e jocular are brought into curious

juxtaposition by the present state of affairs.

The com-

the friends of Mr. Chase,' in their Ohio circular,
'

Mr. Lincoln

our jocular President.'

Against him

they set up Mr. Chase, of
said some years ago,
too solemn
'

whom

a prominent Boston lawyer

I don't like the

Governor.

He

is

— altogether

too solemn.'

More than a year
;

ago, Mr. Lincoln said that he had just discovered that the
initials of

Salmon P. Chase mean shinplaster currency..
old

Perhaps he will now say that they mean «unplaster can-,
didate.

An

Greek rhetorician advises

to

answer your

(

adversary's sober arguments with ridicule, and his ridicula

ij

'

with sober arsumeuU

FRESH PROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM-

105

Old Abe " glad of

it."

A

characteristic story of the President

is

narrated in a

letter

from "Washington.

When

the telegram from

Cum-

berland
'glad of

Gap reached Mr. Lincoln
it.'

that 'firing was heard

in the directon of Knoxville,' he

Some person

present,

remarked that he was who had the perils of
it,

Burnsidc's position uppermost in his mind, could not see

why Mr. Lincoln should be
himself.
'

glad of

and 90 exprcFsed
'

Why, you

see,'

responded the President,

it

re-

minds me of Mistress Sallie Ward, a neighbor of mine,

who had

a very large family.

Occasionally one of her

numerous progeny would be heard crying in some out-ofthe-way place, upon which Mrs. Sallie would exclaim,
*

There's one of

my

children that isn't dead yet.'

Old Abe's "

Affair of Honor.''

Abraham

Lincoln, at nineteen years of age,

was

six feet

four in height, and so far exhibited the attributes of a ruler that he towered like

Saul

above

his fellowa.
is

He was
termed
wrote

once, and once only, engaged in
*

what

fahx^y

an

affair

of honor.'

A

young lady of

Sprin^^flcld

a paragraph in a burlesque vein in a local nec/fi^aper, in which General Shields was good-humourcdly ridiculed for
connexion with some public measure. 1 lie General was greatly incensed, and demanded of the editor the name of the offending party. The editor put him off with
his

a request

for twenty-four hours to consider the matter.

106

OLD abe's jokes,
his per
tell hira

and shortly afterwards, meeting Lincoln, told him Tell him I wrote it,' said Lincoln; and plexity.
«

he did.

After a deal of diplomacy to get a retraction of

the offensive parts of the paragraph in question, Shields
Bent a challenge, which Limioln accepted,

named broad-

swords as the weapons, and an unfiequented, well-wooded Old Abe was first island in the Mississippi- as the place.
on the ground, and when Sliieids arrived he found his antagonist, his sword in one hand and a hatchet in the other, Buforo with his coat oil", clearing away the undcrbiush
!

the preliminary arrangements were complcteiJ, a Mr. Hardin, who somehow got wind of what was afloat, appeared on the scene, called them both d d fools, and by his arguments addressed to their common sense, and by his ridicule of the figure that they, two well-grown, bearded men, were making there, dissuaded them from fighting.

Mr. Lincoln's Disease.

President Lincoln has really had
able to have his joke regularly.
Con«'-rcss waited

tlie

small-pox, but

is

^Yhen the committee of

on

liim

to

announce their readiness to

receive the message, the President was found in his private

o2ice,clad in an old dressing-gown, and looking dilapidated
generally.

The chairman announced
visit.

in a vei'y formal

seemed to please the manner the object of the mightily, and putting his harula deep in his breeches pockets, and throwing a leg over an arm of his Waal, if it is a matter of life and death chair, he replied
It

President

;

'

FRESH FKOM ABRAMAM'S BOSOM.
I

107
till

can get

it

up to-day
It

;

but if
is

it isn't, I'd

rather "wait

to-inorrou', for the fact

the

boys

haven't got through

was not a matter of life and death, and till Wednesday. Mrs. Lincoln did not evidently think lier husband was very sick, for she went to New York last week to do 'a little shopping.' While tliorc she lost her purse, containing a large sum of money, in the street. It was found and returned to her by a young patent claim agent of this city, and Mrs. Liucoln was ver}' profuse in her thanks and olfers of assistance. The freedom of the White House was tendered to the voung man, who, if he isn't too bashful, may consider hia
copying
it

yet.'

the message was not sent in

fortune made.

"The

President was Reminded."

A

friend of his

gentleman was telling at the White House how a had been driven away from New Orleaus as

a Unionist, and how, on his expulsion, when he asked to see the writ by which he was expelled, the deputation

which called on him told him that
up their minds
to

t.'ie

do nothing

illega',

government ad liiade and so they had issued
I

no illegal writs, and simply mean to make him go of his Well,' said Mr. Lincoln, own fiee will. that reminds me of a hotel-keeper down at St. Louis, who boasted that
' '

he never had a death

in his hotel, for

whenever a guest

was dying
street.'

in his

house he carried him out to die in the

108

OLD abe'b jokes,

President Lincoln on Grant's

New

Sword.

Just before Grant's arrival, Representative "Wasliburne
took to the WJiite House a handsome sword, presented to

General Grant by some admirers in
President and Mrs. Lincoln.
*
«

Illinois, to

show the

Yes,' said the President,

it is

very pretty.

It will

do for a Commander-in-Chief.'

Old Abe then turned to a general officer then present and asked him if he had had any sword presentation lately. The reply was 'I have not.' 'Humph,' said Abe, 'that's
a joke then that you haven't seen the point of
yet.'

Abraham's Going

to Pot.

* A deputation of gentlemen from New York waited apon Old Abe with the determination to impress his mind with the great injustice done their department of trade b^ the Committee on Taxation.

*

Gentlemen,' said the President,

me?
«

The committee
interfere.'

will hear

' why do joo come to you and do you justice. I

I

cannot
all the
'

But,'

urged the spokesman,
life,

commodities of
friends,'

'

if

they are going to tax thoy tax

My

responded the

rail-splitter,
all

'

if

all t.he necessaries,

I'm afraid we must

go

to poU*

miESH FKOM ABKAMAM'S B030V.

109

Old Abe's " Mistakes."
^Old Abe being questioned one day in rcf^ard to some mistakes' replied, 'That reminds me of a liis reputed
'

C

rr.inister

and a lawyer who were riding together; says tho
do you ever make mistakes in pleading
do you do with mistakes
large ones, I
?'

minister to the lawyer
»

Sir,

V

*
*

I do,' says the lawyer.

And what
"Why,

inquired the min-

ister.
*

sir, if

mend them
'

;

if

small ones, I
sir,'

let

them
'

go,' said the

lawyer.

And

pray,

continu-

ed he,
*
*

do you ever make mistakes in preaching?'
sir, I

Yes,

have.'

'

And what do you do with mistakes?' said the lawyer. Why, sir, I dispose of them in the same manner that

you do. Not long since,' continued he, ' as I was preaching, I meant to observe that the devil was the father of liars, but made a mistake, and said the father of lawyers.

The mistake was

so small that I let

it go.'

Speaking of the Time.
* When Mrs. Yallandigham left Dayton to join her Husband, just before the election, she told her friends that

she expected never to return
of the Governor of Ohio.

until she did so as the wife

110

OLD ABE'S JOKES,

*

Mr. Lincoln is said to have got off the following :— That reminds me of a pleasant little affair that occurred
Illinois.'

out in

A
«

gentleman was nominated for Supervisor.

On

leav_

ing home on the morning of election, he said

Wife, to-night you shall sleep with the Supervisor of |
/

this town.'

The

election passed,

and the confident gentleman was
the

defeated.

The wife heard

news before her defeated
for

spouse returned home.
out,

She immediately dressed

going

and waited her husband's return, when she met him
Wife, where are you going at this time of night?' he

at the door.
'

exclaimed.
'

Going

she replied,

'

why, you told me

this

morning
of this

that I should

to-night sleep with the Supervisor
is

town, and as Mr. L.

elected instead of yourself, I

was
sold,

I
^

going to his house.'

She didn't go
carpet.

out,

and he acknowledged he was

but pleasantly redeemed himself

with a new Brussels

Old Abe's Uncle.

My

deceased uncle,' says Old Abe, ' was the most polite

gentleman in the world. He was making a trip on the He got his head above Iklissiscippi when the boat sank. the water for once, took off his hat, and said, « Ladies and
gentlemen,
will

you please excuse me V and down he

went'

tRtiaa

FBOM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM.

Ill

Old Abe seeing the

difficulty.

A

very aniuseing scene was witnessed

at the

grand

military dinner given at the Executive Mansion in honor

of Lieutenant General Grant soon after his arrival here.

After the guests had assembled and a brilliant array of
well

known

militnry

men appeared,
founrd, to

in

accordance with

the President's iuvitation, to assist in the ceremonies of

the surprise of everybody was not there. lie had suddenly taken wings for the West. Everybody looked disappointAmong the major generals present were Halleck, ed. Meade, Wool, McCook, Crittenden, Sickles, Hunter, Burnside, Blair, Doubleday, Ogilsby, Wallace and others. When it was announced that Grant Avas not coming the generals looked at the President and the President at the Presently Mr. Lincoln said generals. Gentlemen, this is the play of Hamlet with Hamlet left out. We exThe company pected Grant here, but he couldn't stay.' had assembkd, however, the curtain was rt^ised, and the But who would play the part of Hamplay must go on. In plainer language, a lieutenant general was exlet ? Old Abe, seeing pected, but he would not be present. the difficulty, said that if it was necessary to have a Hamlet he would call upon Major General Halleck at Halshort notice, as the managers say, to fill that part. leck, who wore three stars on each shoulder, put on a the evening,
it

was

that General Grant

;

'

most complacent appearance and
assume the
role

'

kindly

consented' to

of the principal character.

And

so the

play went on, with Halleck as Hamlot.

113

OLD abe's jokes.

Cne of Abe's Anecdotes.
Well,' said a gentleman to

Old Abe, <we had tL«
eyes twinkled,

nigger served up in every style last session.'
'

Yes,' broke in
oif

tl)e

Executive, as his
style.'

'

ending
'

with the fire- cussee

I

hope,'

resumed the gentleman, 'I hope we shall have

something new now.'
'

*who kcp' a grocery

There was a man down in Maine,' said the President, store, and a lot of fellows used to
Well, he only gave 'em
to get tired of

loaf around that for their toddy.

New England
ble of
it.

rum, and they drinked a pretty considera-

But after a while they began

that and kep' asking for something
all the

New — something New;
and says
says he

time.

Well, one night, when the whole crowd
sot out his glasses,
for
'

was around, the grocer, he
he, 'I've
*

got something
bright,'

New

you to drink, boys.*
'

Honor

says

they.

Honor bright

;

and with that he
something
;

sot out a jug.

'Thar,' says he, 'that's

New it's iVet^-England rum !' says he. ' Now,' remarked Abraham, shutting one eye, I guess we're a deal like that crowd, and Congress is a good deal good
'

like that store-keeper \"

<

What

soldiers are these
'

ment marched by. for the Banks of tbe Mississippi,' replied a
ing near.

V asked Lincoln as a regiWhy, they belong to the new levee
'

mudsill' stand-

FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM

113

How
Tlie

Old Abe Settled the Point.

town

is

laughing at an amusing story of a recent

interview between Mr. Lincoln and the president of the

Baltimore and Ohio railroad.
the R. R. President. of the U. S.
'

'

The draft has

fallen with

great severity upon the employes of our company,' said
'

Indeed
is

!'

responded the President
it is

If something

not done to relieve us,

hard

to foresee the

consequences.'

'Let them pay the
at
*

commutation.'
tax.'
*

'Impossible! the men can't stand such a
their back,

that's

They have a rich company more than other people have.'
government.'
*
'

and
to be

They ought
'

exempted, because they are necessary to the working of
the road for the
Tiiat can't be.'
I will

Then

I will stop the road.'

If

you do,
is

take

it

up and

carry

it

on.'

The

discussion

said to

have dropped at
is still

this point,

and the very worthy president

working

the road as successfully as ever.

ofEce,
'

Old Abe was once canvassing for himself, when he came to a blacksmiths shop.
Sir,'

for a local

said he to the blacksmith,

<

will

you vote for
I

me?' < Mr. Lincoln,' said the son of Vulcan,
Load, but
*

*

admire your

damn your

heart!*
'

dor, but

Mr. Blacksmitli,' returned Abe, damn your manners!'

I

admire your can-

114

01. n

ABE'S JOKES.'

The

President's Interview with a
tells

New

Yorker.

A

man from New York
'

of an interview he had
said he. 'I saw was glad, however,

with the President.

Bow

are you,'
I

your card, but did not see you.
of Mr. Whittlesey.

that you carded me, and I was reminded of an anecdote

When Mr. Cox, then a young man, came here, Mr. Whittlesey said to him: *Sir, have you carded the senators ?' * No sir I thought 1 would It is no joking curry favor first, and then comb them.' It is your matter, sir,' said Mr. Whittlesey, seriously. the senators, sir and it is customary I duty to card believe, to card the cabinet also, and you ought to do it, But he added, after a moment's thought, » I think I sir.
first
; <
;
'

am wrong

;

the cabinet

may card

you.'

Cool.

— A gentleman visiting an hospital at Washington
gentleman remarked,
?'
'

hearing an occupant of one of the beds laughing and talkHe seemed to be in such good ino- about the President.
spirits that the

You must

be very
*very

slightly

slightly

wounded

'Yes,' said the brave fellow,

I have only lost one leg.'

Old Abe's " Slap at Chicago.

Mr. Lincoln
'

relates the following

Some years

ago,

when Chicago was
tlie

in its infancy, a

Btran«"er took

up his quarters at

principal hotel, and

inscribed his

name on

the register as Mr.

J

,

of St.

FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM.
Loui«?.

115

transactiiig the business
place,

For several days he remained there, engaged in which had brought him to the and from his exceedingly plain dress, manners and
little attention.

general appearance, attracted but

Soon

I\Ir.

J

was suddenly

seized with illness, dur

ing which he was sadly neglected by his host; and the
servants taking their tone from the master of the house,
left

him

to shift for himself as best

he could.

Thus mat-

ters
his

went

on,

till

one morning he was past praying for
his friends

papers were then examined, that the sad intelligence
;

might be communicated to
prise of all ho
in the western country.

when

to the sur-

was found to bo one of the wealthiest men

Arrangements were accordingly made for the funeral
but before the last rites were performed, the subject came
to life again, having been the victim of catelepsy, instead

of the grim

'

King of Terror.'

All were overjoyed at his

fortunate escape from so dreadful a fate, and from that

time wero profuse in their expressions of solicitude,
ed, however,

elicit-

we

judge, by

«

documentary evidence,' rather

than by any personal regard.

At length some one ventured
replied*

to ask,

how

things ap-

peared to him while in his trance, to which he thus

I thought 1 had come to the river of death, where I met an angel who handed me a jewel to serve as a pass to
'

the other side.

On

giving this to the ferryman, I received
stasre

from him another which carried mo further another
in

my

journey.

Going on thus

for several

sta<,;es,

receiv-

ing at the termination of each, a ticket for the succeeding

110
one,

OLD ABE'S JOKES,
I at last reached the gate of the
1

Heavenly City!

There

found St. Peter,

who opened

the door at

my

sum-

mons, pipe in mouth, seated by a small table, on which
stood a goodly

mug

of steaming whiskey toddy.'
said he very politely.

Good morning, Good morning,
V/ho are you,
a
liujje

sir,'

St. Peter,' said I.

sir
,

V
.'

said he, turning over the leaved of

ledger.

My name is J Very good, sir
Very well,
I

;

where do you

live

down below
die?'

I lived at St. Louis, in the

State of Missouri.*

sir;

and where did you
Illinois.'

died at Chicago, in
?'

Chicago
place,
I

said he, shaking his head,

'

there's

no sucl

sir.'

beg your pardon,
sir.'

St. Peter, but

have you a map of

the United States here

V
it.*

Yes,

Allow me
Certainly,

to look at
sir.'

With that he handed down a splendid
pointed out Chicago on the map.

atlas,

and

I

All right,

sir,'

said he, after a moment's pause; *it3

there, sure enough, so
ain't

walk

in, sir

;

but

I'll

be blest

if

you

the
!'

first

man

that has ever come

here from that

place

^
his transition state
*'

's account of Thus ended Mr. J and no more questions were asked.

fRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM.

117

Where Abe

said

it

had gone.

When the Sherman expedition which captured T*ort Eoyal was fitting, there was great curiosity to learn where A person visiting the Chief Magistrate at it had gone. tlic White House importuned him to disclose the destina' Will you keep it entirely secret?' asked tion to him. the President. Oh, yes, upon my honor.' 'Well,' said the President, I'll tell you.' Assuming an air of great mystery, and drawing the man close to him, he kept him a mo« «

mentawaiting the revelation with an open moutii and great Well,' said he in a loud whisper which was anxiety.
'

heard
sea!'

all

over the room,

'

the expedition has gone to

A

tall

one by Old Abe.

That reminds us of the following story that has been told of Mr. Lincoln somewhere when a crowd called him He came out on the balcony with his wife, (who ia out. somewhat below medium heigiit,) and made the following 'Here I am, and here is Mrs. Liucoln. « brief remarks': That's the long and short of it.'

Abraham

tells a

Story.

Pr. Hovey, of Dansvillc, N. Y., thought he would call and see the President, and on arriving at the White House found him on horseback, ready for a stai't. Approachin"Uim, he said

118
*

OLD abb's jokes,

President Lincoln, I thought I would call and see you
pleasantly, and asked where

before leaving the city, and hear you tell a story.'

The President greeted him
he was from.
<

The

reply was

:

'

From Western New York.'
stories,'

«

Well, that's a good enough country without

replied the President,
story.

and

off

he rode.

That was the

Mr. Lincoln and the Georgetown Prophetest.

The

President, like old

King Saul when

his

term was
again the

about to expire, seems in a quandary concerning a further
lease of office.
I lean

that he has consulted

'prophetess' of Georgetown, immortalized by his patronage.

She retired the other night to an inner chamber, and alter raising and consulting more than a dozen of dis-

tinguished spirits from Hades, she returned to the reception-parlor where the Chief Magistrate awaited her, and

declared that Gen. Grant would capture Riclimond, and
that Honest Old

Abe would be next
him
to

President.

ever, as the report goes, told

She, howbeware of Chase.

Sala.
It is reported that

Old Abe

let off a

joke at George

Augustus Sala.

It

seems that eminent Bohemian, in a per-

severing search after information, learned to his astonish-

ment that all our cavalrymen are furnished with a borse and two Colts each and his appetite duly whetted by tJu8
;

FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM.
novel discovery, he

119

made bold

to inquire, in the presence

of Old Abe, what branch of the service the Americans had

experienced the most difficulty in becoming adepts?
'

Engineering,' said the President,
little

'

but unlike you Engbuilding up that

lishmen we experience

difficulty in

most essential thing an enduring magazine.'

The eminent George
twice, in

is

said to have

hemmed once
this.

or-

some doubt as to the exact application of

A

Tight Squeeze.

President Lincoln says the prospect of his election for a

second term reminds him of old Jake Tullwater
in
111.

who

lived

Old Jake got a fever once, and he became

deliri-

ous, and while in this state he fancied that the last day had come, and he was called to judge the world. With all the vagaries of insanity he gave both questions and answers himself, and only called up his acquaintances, the
millers,
'

when something

like this followed
!

:

Shon Schmidt, come up here
Well, Lort, I bees a miller.'

Vat

bees you in dis

lower worlds?'
«

*

Well, Shon, did you ever take too
dull, I did

much

toll?'

'

Oh, yes Lort, when the water was low, and the stones
take too much
toll.'
'

were
'

Well, Shon,' old Jake would say,

You must go

to the

left

among

the goats.'

So he called up all he knew and put them through the Bame course, till finally he came to himself:

120
«

OLD abe's jokes,
!

Shake Tullwater, come up here bees you in tliis lower world V
«

"Well, Shake,

what

Well, Lord,

I

beee a miller.'

And, Shake, didn't you ever take too much toll V yes, Lort, when the water was low, and the stones was dull, I did take too much toll.' Well, Shake— well Shake (scratching his head) well Shake, what did you do mit dat toll.' ^
* '

Ah,

'

I gives him to de poor.' Shake gave it to the poor, did you? Well Shake, you can go to the right among the sheep hut it's a
*

Well, Lort,

<Ah!

tam'd tight squeeze

!'

At

it

with a Will.

The President and Secretary
together,
<

of State were

closeted

overwhelmed by the
and found that

affairs of the nation.

Seward, you look puzzled,' said Secretary Chase as he
able

entered

functionary

half

buried

among papers, scratching his liead and biting his pen. Never fear,' quoth Old Abe, laugliing gaily and snap'

ping the Secretary of State approvingly on the back.
<

Where

there's a

Will there's a way

!'

President Lincoln-, in replying to the St. Louis delega-

which recenlZj waited on him to urge the prosecution of the war on ultra Abolition principles, replied that he had more pegs than lie had holes to put them in.' This antion,
'

swer
the

is

peculiarly aifpropriate, as the Abolitionists, since

commencement r,V hostilities, have been so much engaged in stealing ac fir render the war nothing but a game
of cribbage.

FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM

121

Old Abe and the Bull-Frogs.

*A few days

a;:-o,

Paine, a lawyer of some note in Cinthe Presidential mansion, that
lie

cinnati, paid a visit to

mi-ht return with

his

garments
Courts.

si^entcd

with loyal per-

fume

to tlie Porko|)()lis

During- the interview the President asked him what was
the I'feling of the peo{)lc of Ohio in reference to the Pi-csidential election.

Mr. Paine informed him that the
all

gr'^at

At announcement the President seemed well pleased and rubbing his hands, he exclaimed, ' That reminds me of a story. Some years ago two Irishmen landed in this country, and
to

talk about

Chase

amounted

nothing.

this

taking the

way

out into the interior after labor, came sudof water, and
to their

denly near a pond

great
usual

horror
song,

they heard some bull-fi-ogs singiug

their

B-a-u-m
bled,
their

!

— B-a-u-m — B-a-u-m
!

!

They

listened

and trem-

and feeling the necessity of bravery they clutched
shellalies

and crept cautiously forward, straining
to catch a

their eyes in

every direction

glimpse of the

enemy, but he was not to be found.

a happy idea came to the most forward one and he sprang to his mate, and exclaimed, and sure, Jamie, it is my ouinion it's nolast
«

At

thing but a

noise.'

Knowing too Much.
President
friends
is

Lincoln

while

entertaining

a

few

se'ect

said to have related the following anecdote of a

man who knew

too much.

122
«

OLD ABE'S

JOKES,

During the administration of President Jackson, tliero was a singular young gentleman employed in the public Post Office at Washington. His name was G. lie was from Tennessee, the son oi a widow, a neighbor of the
;

President,

feeling for him,

on which account the old hero had a kind and always got out of Ins difficulties with
officials, to

isome of the higher

whom

his singular interfer-

ence was distasteful.

Among other things, it is said of him that while he was employed in the General Post Office, on one occasion he had to copy a letter to Major H., a high official, in answer
to an application

or Pennsylvania for the establishment of a

made by an old gentleman in Virginia new post office.
'

The writer of
another
office.

the letter said the application could not be

granted, in consequence of the applicant's

proximity' to

When
«

the letter came into G.'s hands to
for

copy, being

a great stickles
nearness
to.'

plainness, he

altered
it,

'•proximity' to

Major H. observed

and

asked G.
'

why

he altered his letter.

Why,' replied G., because I don't think the man would understand what you meant by proximity.' put in the proximity, Well,' said Major H., try him
' ' ' ;

again.'

In a few days a letter was received from the applicant,
in

which he very indignantly

said,

'

that his father had

fought for liberty in the second war of independence, and

he should like to have the name of the scoundrel
against him.
There,' said G.

who

brought the charge of proximity or anything else w^^ng
'

did I not say so

?'

G. corned his improvements so far that Mr. Berry, the

FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM.
Postmaster General said to him,
longer, yon
'

123

I don't

want fou any
General got

know

too much.'
out, but his old friend, the

Poor G. went
him another
change.

place.

This

time G's

ideas underwent a

He was

one day very busy writing, when a

stranger called in and asked him where the Patent Office

was?
'

I don't know,' said C.

'

Can you

tell

me where

the Treasury Department

is ?'

Raid the stranger.
'

No,' said G.

*_Nor the President's house
''No.'

V
if

The stranger
Capitol was.
'

finally

asked him

he knew where the

No,' replied G.

*

Do you
Yes.

live in

Washington,

sir

?'

said the stranger.

*
'

sir,'

said G.
!

Good Lord

and don't you know where the Patent
?'
'

Office,
'

Treasury, President's House, and Capitol are
I

Stranger,' said G.

was turned out of the
I

Post'office

for

knowing too much.
again.
I

don't

mean
find

to offend in that I believe

way
[

am

paid for keeping this book.
;

do

know

that

much

but

if

you

me knowing any-

thing more, you
*

may

take

my

head.'

Good

morning,' said the stranger.

-724

o'.r Arp's jokes,

LCr.CC> and the Cariosity Seeker.

In answer to a

uui-iositv ssekt.

v^ho desired a permit to

pass the lines to risit the fisld of Bull
battle,

Run

after the first
his an-

Mr. Lincoln made tko following reply as
in Cortland t county raised a

swer

:

A

man

porker of such

unusual size that strargero went out of their

way

to see

it.

One of them
said
; '

the other day

met the old gentleman and
'

inquired about the animal.

Wally

yes,'

the old fellow
;

he'd got such a critter, mi'ty bfg un

but he guess-

ed he would have to charge himabouC ashillin' for lookin' The stranger looked at the cid man for a minat him.'
pulled out the desired coin, banded it to him ute or so and started to gooff. 'Hold on,' said the other; 'don't you want to see the hog V * No,' said llic stranger, I !' have seen as big a hog as I want to nee And you will find that fact the case with yourself, if you should happen to see a few iivt rsbels there as well
; '

as dead ones.

Old Abe and the Copprrhead.

A
tions

certain politician being rather loud in his denuncia-

of the administration in the

prca'(i3'iii-'s

hearing a
in

short time since, he convoyed a very w!iolojii"C itssoa
the following story, thcie

was a Dutch

far.iicn

o'-ce

wjio
!vr

being just clad in the ermine of a justice of pcAvc^
first

Iv^*?

marriage in

this

way

PRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM.
'

125

Veil, you -want to be marrit, do you
Yes,' answered the man.

?'

*

*

Veil, do you lovish dis
liave ever seen
?'

voman

as goot as any

voman

you
*

Yes.'

Tlien to the
«

woman:

Veil, do you love this

man

so better as any

man you

have ever seen V She hesitated and he repeated
*
<

:

VelJ, veil do you like him so veil as to be his wife?'

Yes, yes,' she answered.
"V ell,

*

dat ish

all

any reasonable man can expect

;

so

you arp marvit.

1

pronounce you

man and

wife.'

The man drew out what was to pay.
*

his pocliet-book

and asked the justicg
to it if

Nothing at

all,

nothing at

all,

you arc welcome

it will

do you any goot.'

In speaking of certain odd doings in the Army, Old

Abe said that reminded Mm of another story, as follows; On one occasion, when a certain General's purse was
getting low, he remarked that

draw on

his

he would be obliged to banker for some money. * How much do you
*I think I shall send for

want, father?' said the boy.
said his son very quietly,

a

couple of hundred,' replied the General.
'

'Why,

father,*

I

can

let

you have that amount.'

You
Rt

prise;

let me Lave it!' cxclairccd Ihc General in sur'Where dif. you get so much money?' '1 won it playing draw poker with your staff, sir!' replied the

can

126
hopeful youth.
It

OLD abe's jokes,
is

needless to say that the 9-40 train
'

next morning bore the

gay young gambolier' toward

his

home.

Do you

see the point.

Old Abe and the Woodcock.

The President one day dined
landlord produced
tant,
his bill,
«

at Richmond.
it

When

the

he thought

very exorbishould be

and asked
the

his name,'

Partridge! an't please you, resaid he;
bill.'
*

plied

host.

'Partridge!'

it

woodcock, by the length of your
-o

Old Abe and the Set Speech.

The President being
set speech for

recently importuned to deliver a

a certain specified purpose, said that the

request reminded him of an old story he once heard of a

couple of U. S. Senators.

was on one of tho?e memorable days when the Kanbill was being debated, Senator Seward tapped Douglas on the shoulder, and whispered in his car Bourbon' in the Senator's private room that he had some which was twenty years old, and upon it he desired to get
It

sas-Nebraska

«

Dfuglas's judgment.

The

'little

giant' declined, stating

that he meant to speak in a few minutes, and wished his

brain unclouded by the fumes of liquor.
sion of his speech Douglas sank

At the concluin his

down exhausted
Seward

chair, hardly conscious of the congratulations of those

who
*'

flocked around him.

At

this juncture

eoiacd

FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM.
orator's arm,

127

and bore him

oflf

to the Seuatorial sanc-

tum.
*

Here's the Bourbon, Douglas,' said Seward
years old.'

;

'

try some

its sixty

'Seward,' remarked Douglas, 'I have
longest speech ever delivered
it.'
' ;

made to-day

the

history has no parallel for

How

is

that?' rejoined Seward,
!'

'

You

spoke about two
obtained

hours only
'

Don't you recollect that a moment pefore
floor

1

the

you invited me

to partake of

some Bourbon

twenty years old, and now immediately after closing
r'^-aarks,

my

you extend to me some of the same liquor, with
that
it is

*ie

assertion

sixty years

old! a

forty years

speech was never delivered before/

Seward acknowledged the
(politically) smiled.'

'corn,'

and the two enemies

Mr. Lincoln being found
'call'

fault with for

said that if the country required

it,

making another he would con-

tinue to do so until

the matter stood as described by a

Western Provost Marshal out West who says
'

I listened a short time since, to a butternut clad indi-

vidual,

who succeeded

in

making good

his escape, expati-

ate most eloquently on the rigidness with

which the conHis

scription

was enforced south of
this
'

the Tennessee river.

response to a question propounded by a citizen ran some-

what
river

in
?'

wise

:

'

Do

they conscript close over the

Hell, stranger, I should think they did

take every

man who

hasn't been dead

They more than two daus/' if
!

128

OLD abe's jokes,
ghost of a

this is correct the confederacy has at least a

chance
a small

left.'

And of

another, a methodist minister in Kansas, living on

sa!ar\',

who was

greatly troubled to get his quarterlast

ly instalment.

He
life.
?'

at

told

the non-paying trustees
lie

that he must have his money, as
necessaries of
'

was suffering

for the
'

Money

!'

replied the trustees,

you
'I

preach for money

We
if I

thought you preached for the
the reverend.

g:od of

souls!'

'Souls'' responded
could,
!'

can't eat souls

— and

it

would take a thousind

such as yours to
sir,

make a meal

That

soul

is

the poiut,

said the President.

Mr. Lincoln Tellelh Another Story,

Judge Baldwin, of California, an old and highly respectable and sedate gentleman, called a few days since on Gen. Halleck, and presuming upon a familiar acquaintance in
California a few years since, solicited a pass outside of our
lines to see

a brother in Virginia, not thinking that he

would meet with a refusal, as both his brother and himself We have been deceived too often,' were good Union men. said General Halleck, 'and I regret I can't grant it.' Judge B. then went to Stanton and was very briefly dis'

posed of with the same result.
terview with Lincoln, and

Finally he obtained an in'

stated his case

Have you
'

ap-

plied to General Halleck?' inquired the President.

And

met with a

flat

refusal,' said

Judge B.
'

«

see Stanton,' continued the President.

I

Then you must have, and with

FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM.
the same result,' was the reply.

1^9

* Well, then,' said Old Abe, with a smile of ffood humor, 'I can do nothing; for yoti must know that I have very little ivjluence with this Ad-

ministration.*

The
Vice-President

Vice-President.

ITamlin must get some

new

clothes.

During a recent

visit to

Boston an acquaintance who ap-

preciated the character of the

man

rather than the exter-

nal evidences of position and power, passing him in the
street
it

met a jolly Jack in full naval costume. Thinking might be gratifying announcement, our friend pointed to
Mr. Hamlin, the Vice-President.' Jack looked doubtful and dubious for a moment, and
'

the Vice-President, saying
Th'^re,

my

boy,

is

then indignantly said
«

Tell that to the marines.
let the

Do you

suppose that your

Uncle Abraham would
Fortof rig;
he's pretty
see, he's

Vice-President loose in that
If he isn't one of Jeff

got a cable tier kink in his hat, and
all over.

darned seedy

Davis's guerrillas, he's in
one, if he goes

danger of being picked up for
their weather

where Uncle Sam's men keep

eye open.'

President Lincoln Presented with a Pair of Socks.

At

the Presidential reception on Saturday, Major French

presented to the President a pair of woollen socks, kuit

130

UNCLE ABE's jokes,

expressely for the President by Miss Addie Brockway, of

On the bottom of each was knit the and near the top the glorious stars and stripes of our Union, so that when worn by the President he will always have the flag of the rebellion nnder hs feet. These socks were sent by the maker to Mrs. Wm. B. Todd, of this city, and at her request Major French presented them with a few appropriate remarks. They were most
Newbury port, Mass.
secession flag;

pleasantly and graciously received by the President.

LincoFn's First and Last
«

r.'"3ht in

New

Orleans.

The cholera was raging
I

at the time I last visited

New
St.

Orleans
quiet.

'Twas just dusk and everything seemed unusual

met but few people as
I,

I hurried

on

to the

Charles, which I found after repeated enquiries.

Every-

wo-begone look which thing had a neglected, descri was rather home-sickening. So I supped, called for a room and went to bed but not to oleep, for thi musquetoes, oh! horrors, were as thick as bees in a hive they bit, bit, bit, till I felt as if every pore in my body was furnishing supper to a horde of savages. In vain I sloped and fought, they were too much for me, I dressed myself, determined to walk the streets till morning before I would suffer such It was not very dark nor very light, just suffitorment cient to discrn objects when your eyes became accustomed to tlu' darkness I had barely emerged into the street when
;
;

I hit
it

my

foot against something

and
I

fell full

length an-oss
to
feel
t'
<v.<i

on the walk; picking myself up

began

FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S ROSOM.

131

what
ing a

it

was

coffin,

my

first

just then a light appeared with two men bear which was placed on the one I had lallenover impulse was to get back to my room, but the
;

knowledge of the infernal insects which infested it detered me, and I hastened on I had not gone far when I fetchWell, this is queer, I thought, no more ed bolt upright. but the low tone of several men as they recoffins I hope moved them into a cart that stood ready, convinced me as well as my eyes which were getting used to the darkness. I counted one, two, three, and up to fifteen my heart sick;

;

ened, I turned, retraced
this,

my steps

;

warfare was better than

though
flitting
;

my

foes

were

legions.

Dark, shadowy forma

were dead

every few steps across the

way bearing
dreadful
;

the

no sound was heardi n the

street, save the

low rumscourge.

ble of carts filled with victims to the
I found

my room

at last

— how, I never knew

I lai

d

down

and prayed
if to

for the

morning

light, but the musquitoes, as

make up

for the lost time, redoubled their depreda-

tions.

An

idea struck me, I would get under the bed and
I

perhaps elude them,

did and had peace for full five minutes
I

how

I

enjoyed

it

;

but they found me, and

beat a retreat
fire-

feeling about I discovered a fire-place

and a wooden

and my heart gave one leap of joy, I shook my fist at the humming torments, and doubling myself up, crawled into the fire place, bringing
board partly before
it.

I

have

it,

the fire-board after

did not smell very pure,
one's blood

me the best I could I had air, and if it why it was better tlian having
;

drawn away

in the smallest possible fractions,

it*, the stench grew stronger and stronger. No wonder, thought I, that people die hero. I began to grow curious and commenced feeling about mo

let alone the sensation after

132
cautiously
first,

OCb ABE'S JOKES,
then more daring,

my hand went down into

a vessel containing, not exactly cider and dougli-nuts, but

what might have passed for them if eyes only were used. and after washing over and over again that hand, I went below, enquired if any vessel was to leave that day, for it was already light and the inmates They said yes, and with rapid strides 1 found my astir. way to the levee where a steamer was ready to sail*
I found -some water

Thank
self,

Eleaven, I muttered, business must take care o?
ofiF.

it-

I'm

The remembrance of

that awful night

«rill

haunt

me

to the grave.'

Too Good

to be Lost.

•Old Abe,' who presides at the National White House, is very fond of a good joke, and is in the habit of telling them, greatly to the amusement, and not unfrequently at We have the expense of his most particular friends. heard one lately, which, we think, will turn the tables upon The conversation is said to have occurthe President. red between an old Illinois farmer and a member of Congress from Missouri, at Willard's Hotel, in Washington
city.

Mr. R., the member, was in one of the sitting rooms of the hotel, quietly puffing his cigar and reading the New

York

Herald,'

when he was approached by a rough,
and the
followi*
;

bnrly, middle-aged man,

^

dialogue

is

said to have occurred between them

Illinois Farmer.

«

Sir, to

make frc J. understand 3'ou

PRE9H FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM.
are a
iouri.'

133

member
<

of Congress from

the

great State of Mia-

Mr. R.
the
I.

Yon

are correctly informed,

sir,

I represent

Congressional District, in that State.'

F.

'I

am from

Illinois, sir;

am

in

Washington
round a
Illinois

city,

on no particular business
Bee

just looking

little,

to

how

'the cat jumps.'
*

Mr. R.
to serve
I.

I

am

glad to

know

you, sir

;

and Mis-

souri ought to be

good
sir, I

friends,

and

I shall

be most happy

you
'

in

any way

tliat I can.'

F.

Well,

don't want anything except to see
it's

this

d

d infernal rebellion put down,
I

nearly ruinI

ed us out West ;
not be surprised

have already

lost

one son, and

would
over,

if I lost
it,

them

all

before the

war

is

for they are all in

several of them with that brave fel-

low, John Logan.'

earnest sympathies, both in your desire to see the rebellion crushed, and in the severe loss you have met with in the death of your son. I hope
*

Mr. R.

Sir,

you have

my

the Government will finally triumph in this wicked war,

which has been forced upon
I.

it.'

Are you much acquainted in Illinois ? Do you know Mr, Browning ? and if so what do you think of him V Mr. R. <I know Mr. Browning very •well, sir. I think very highly of him. He is a good man, Bir, and HJaQ
F.
*

of the
I.

first
*

statesmen of the country.'

F.

Well,

sir,

are you. acquainted with

old Dick

t'

he's

been

my
'

representative in Congress f ^r a long while.

Mr. R.

You
V

allude, I cu; pose, to Col.

Dick Richard-

iQQ» of QuincjT

l34

OLD ABE '3 JOKES,
;

* He's the b'hoy, sir what do you think of hkn f I. F. Col. R. is a patriotic and good man, a little Mr. R. too much steeped in Democracy.' Never mind his Democracy, that will never I. F. hurt him half so much as the mean whiskey he drinks ; I
' '

tell

you, Dick's a glorious fellow

;

I like to hear him after

that miraculous genius, Trumbull, who, I 'spose, wears aa

small a gizzard as any

man

that ever entered the Senate.

After
could

all
'

though,

my

friend

Stephen A, was the man, he
if he had would have been

take the starch out of any of them,' and

lived, sir, I believe this infernal rebellion

over.'

Mr. R.

*

Very

likely, sir,

;

Mr. Douglass was a noble

man
I.

;

he would have F. F.
it,

exerted a vast influence, if he had

lived, over the fate of our
*

unhappy country.'
*

Well,
*

sir,

do you know

Old Abe?'
is

Mb. R.
I.
*

1 have that honor.'

Well, I

don't

consider there

much honor
think
of

about
him.'

but I'd just like to

know what you

Mr. R.
President
:

*

Well,

sir, I

am

inclined to think well of the
sir.

I believe

he loves his country,

He

is

sur-

rounded by great difficulties, and is doing the best he can He is frequently persuaded to do to surmount them. things which I think his better judgment docs not approve,
I believe he
I.

is

honest,

sir.'

F.

*Well,

my

friend,

I

see that

'

Abe has
'

rather

taken you in. I know him a devilish sight better than most men. I have known him 'like a book' for tliirtyI knew him when he was a rail-splitter, an>l fivc years. I tell you he never did an honest day's work at the Im^i-

FBESH FBOM ABSAHAM'S BOSUM.
Bess in

135

Ms

life.

If he

had 100

rails to
!

got tliem from somebody
cut a fellow's

else's pile

I

hew he always knew him when
prices.

he was a grocery keeper, and he always kept bad whiskey,

dram

short,

and charged two

With

some folks Lincoln had the reputation of being very but I tell you, sir, he's d honest and not very smart smart and none too honest ? (somewhat excited and the
;

crowd gathering around). I tell you, sir, I know Abe' like a book, sir, and by the eternal, what I say is true V Mr. R. (Somewhat confused) « Sir, I was just about
'

taking a mint julep

;

will you have

the

kindness to join

me?'
I.

sir.

tell

you are tired of talking, with all my heart, Missouri and Illinois must stand together, sir. I you, by the shades of Old Hickory and Benton, they
F.

If

must work and

fight for the old

Union,

Missouri and
sir.

Illi-

nois are the greatest ^ tates in the Union,

If they'll

stand together, breast to breast, they can knock h
01 South Carolina

11

out

and the whole South, and then, if need be, turn round and shovel New England into the ocean.' Exeunt to the bar room.

'.ey's

New

"War

TSTovels.

— ]>^o.

1.

*

iOSBY,
'- of

THE GUERRILLA.
(

the Newgate Calendar do not show in any life of a highwayman, more incidents in the career of Mosby. .( .1. ifiiig, or brutality, than have been eviikuce In hia early /' as a New Vork (lambler, ia his ciireer uii'lnr Tarn-T Asbhy, daiin? his adventures as a Cap. lof CrU'Trilhis, Mosl)y phiiWfd himsi'If to bi3 an embryo villain— one who would not hesitate )( mything to aiicdinpli^b li'S e-^, la but the greatest e|)oi'h of his career has been since he re- II Cirinij notlji;-- for (iiiiuin. .•ed h's promotion t > Colonfl an 1 ct..>.-f of riiierril:a9 in V.rijinia ho hrstt-d the black fl i? an the pistol shot an 1 the rjpe w;is then h. virtel of e.^'han^e. '• b"autiful Belle of '^ '-fax," who "he a'l^'eiitnres of M.>sby are idontic.il with that of h's (iced daahincr Col. Rtonrliton, and Delilali-liki delivered him 07pr to the PL Ush?-, Capthe (Juerrill.i's iii>-tory, and i.ii) aoOOTt I-iali i:» Prani^md Estelle have played ni small part in *' Sam." lierly " 'orry '' is found to be a good match for Mosby'a n:gro ^
I
I

;

1

'

'i

Da\vley's ISTe^v

War

Novels.

™ No.
i

PAULINE,
b
ad\ft'iiurea of
i

THE FEMALE SPY
;
1''

a scout have always been fell of interest but a record of .'.Mf'e^its att Q.inust b j p irticularly entertain! 14 tj ihe rodt'' f. t, 2 liiiitementa of a spy —especially a f -oi lie roiae of this novel is a ro il character and her liairbn-adtli e^cap.s, her m iny riska of c_> the schemes Ph.3 a looted t)rai'Aeth9 (1 ict rs coact-al hjr Identity aa a h'» wounds, an ^H her intrigues, amorous and otherwis-, m..,.e tho recital rich as well as reulable. •nturea of the author w'th tlie spy herself la partcila'ly described, in the courae of md as many of the incideuta took place whon ho and slie werj alone, and none could were wanted,- -to hear or see, he only is able to give tlie facta. Aii.l he does so in a y. e tha. uoea credit to hia genius ; bat certaialy none to his powers of keeping a secret."

)i

Dawley's Ne^v AVar Novels.

---

N o.

3.

SEMMES, THE PIRATE.
f .518

n
)i

wn-k embmcea iu it the hiat ricil d.'tails <if t'ao lif^ of Raphaels mnies. the captain of C«nie<etate Piralicl craft Alabama nud also poitiays many f afiirt-s of l.fe in Euijland, Setuints' love adv iitU'XM with Mi.luni, i) );ri 1 1 .,i<i"l: i (i niz il'Z, luid the u, Afri:«. &c -lia'i liily Ptora .M.icdonald, nro describe with a pi(|n:in(;\ for w:ii<Mi tlie aiilior ),s uot<'d. The
I

.lllgii»
lied
r
i
,

be:wL*i*n the
hi .se

A abuuaan

oi'l Ih'!

pir«ci('s<)f tb'!
f is fi

of
t

Kmmes
-V

in | i:ie Alib.im i an liaU.,Tds are grapliicU'y nbi vp;s( 1 lorm an int -esti:i:,' j> <n:(>:i f tie book. Tiiechaithfn'iy pict.n.ed, nndKli nvs t )t le rea J( r (^f tj a work a strange comI
I

K •a'Si','e,

I

i

ut,

misiuru of a bra-e sai r, with a c^.va.dly miscrtaut, a uoblo. conqueror with a paltry aman hater and woman lovor.

)(

X^tv^ley's

Now
iCK

AVar Novels.

--

No.

4.

JILDARE, THE BLACK SCOUT.
!
n\

]i

SCO If, lilll (if ^.e'll ao <>C •, Ifilf ,it, lor.n a.l l.iL -.(Sliii^,' •.itue iu liij U.bi'.hon. l.vv.i in il.io.^. r "t be ii^ ti,.v-ii a \> isi'inr byrtu V'vc for int' igon-e of iati'i-'st to IT * c.uise, and con-,t luuy jti lii'iim is his I.fe a iii xtiru of pl.Msn e a fiiiu HJit ns aKpy he (i jiiin. Iheso ic denia of Kill 's b'lii.) inii>r.!sun ' in the liiij'iiAt il'gree Th..- oth'-r cluiraci.'Ts of tlie story are piq'iant tnii if i)r.,-e8t ; Hml RcTve to illustrate much of the pec diaritiea of the people who itside li of Ihel ne of Mason and Dixon.
;Ml.'otiir..a
(.1
,

r

t

I

r>

1

I

iiicu-nn
;

111

\V;n- oi

il«.ys

.

n

t!i"

qw

I

i

,

I

i

[

Lsk

any '^owsdoalcr
.MMLF.I*

for a

Copy of Dawby's

War

Hovels.
Vork.

t'i:-i-"><T->..

I'O.^TI'.Ml).

_

f
''

T.

i:.

D.VW'LI^V,

I'nu.isi.Kit, N'loxv

Dawley's

Camp and

Fireside

Library—Nt

THE TWO RIVAl
or,

"MAN AND MONEY. ^ JFCMILB. SOUVESTRE
From
the French
OF
».

m • m

««

The very name of French novel may conjure up ideas equally
V of French cookery.

alarn

be regaled with " fillet ny snake," instead of fillet of Bole whether an oyster-fed cat cj geniously made to represent rabbit or, a poodle nourished on spi transformed into the similitude of pheasant. Admitting that mu{
"Whether
shall
; ;

we

is, like sausage-rolls, light aiid disappointing; granting th wild, Paul de Kock licentious, and Sue too often prolific of horr no means follows that the same soil which sends forth bristle and not breed celandine and daisy.

literature

is

List of Dawley's

Camp & Fireside Library now Pul
1.

NUJMBKR
lion.

Incidents of American
Mailed, post paid, 15 cents.

CaKip

phases of city post paid.

lift,

Price, li

OM

lilfe.— -Being events of the present Rebelniominated coTer. 12 mo.. lOS pp.

.Tnsttna, the Avenf^er.—
of this truly interesting stoiy, i rare qualities and well cultivated tritil of the heroine will awaken every woman'a heart. Mailed
Price, 15 centa.

isrxjJVtBER a.
Mercedes
;

or,

the OatIaw'0<Dhild.

A

tale of California life, the scenes of which are laid in California, commencing some years before the Gold mines were discovered, and brought down to the time '' when mobs and murders were as plenty as golden slugs," when arose the YigUance Committee, taking vengeance into their own hands, when the quivering bodies of flagrant offenders swung from the windows in Battery Street. Price, 15 cents, mailed, post paid.

nxjm:be!r o
Melrose Castle.—A

TUe Mad Bard

;

or,

the B
hi8tori(

the time of King Charlea II, th( self b^ing one of the prominent d Price, 15 centa, mailed post pait

3. Norma Danton or, the ChlldreM of the l.igI»thouse.— A tale of New
;

NXJMBER
real picture

NXJJMBKR q
The Two Rivals; or. Money.—From the French of vestre. A rare work. Maile<
Price, 15 cents.

York City— a

of

the different

i8@*"0ther

Works

of this series will be issved from time to tin

The Book and
want

Periodical Trade have

lor

of a series of Cheap Publications to retaJ at prices within all, and, at the same time, sold to the Dealer at such prices as wii Heretofore the lowest priced to make a/air and liberal profit. been sold at such rates that the profits to the Dealer were exceed and the sudden rise in paper caused the Publisher to raise the Trade, thus making the Dealer paji^Jhe advance. The object of t of Dawley's Nkw Series of NovE^aJ^-lo plate in the hands of Series of Books that will sell, and afford/a profit that will amply for their efforts in pushing the sale of the santo.' /',./ ,^-'-' ^,

T. E.

DAWLEY,

PubHsher, 13

&

15 Park

I

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