The Boy Conners Does the Honours

Loan player Si Conway bagged a brace on home debut as Standard Chartered's title hopes remained alive (by The Ginger Scholesy) The hallowed turf of fortress Meridian once more played host to a scintillating game, this time packed full of sitters, shoddy play and unerringly frequent offside calls. One club insider suggested that a team night out in aid of club captain and man of the year nominee Jimbo Perkins' celebrity wedding hadn't helped preparations, as reporters spotted right back Martinez among others in a Bexley kebab house at 1am. The team lined up with Ben 'Brian' Gunn between the sticks, fresh out of therapy to delete the memory of last week's free kick, he once more displayed why he's being touted as an outside chance of making the World Cup through a South Korean grandparent, with a sensational stop at some point in the game, and Seamo's trademark 'safe hands' throughout. At the back, Vidic and Little comfortably dealt with a largely aerial bombardment as they snuffed out the threat of 'the big lad up top'. Playing an unfamiliar role at right back, Martinez once more displayed his flexibility, working well with the man ahead of him, Mellor who displayed his flexibility on the dance floor with gusto, relish and one or two dozen lager tops. Patel was preferred at left back, silently going about his business with the measured assurance of someone with vast experience in both life policy and metric assertion techniques. Ahead of him was the bustling, burgeoning, barnstormer that is Dan Higham. Dave and Lockie occupied the middle, bossing the midfield and dictating play like a famous classical conductor that Tom Barnaby could no doubt suggest off the top of his I’ll plump for Blakey from on the Buses. Kaka and Jake were charged with the task of finding a way of rippling the onion bag through wit, will, wizardry or walloping the pigskin. A combination of the hot day, concrete surface, free bar and a not inconsiderable time delay waiting for the opposition to wander out of the changing rooms equalled a fairly flat first half, with the amassed fans plumping for the bar rather than the pitch side to watch their football. Though clearly on top and dominating the midfield, chances were few and far between, with neat work from Jake and Lockie setting Mellor scampering down the right flank on a number of occasions but his teasing crosses were not as fruitful as perhaps a nice berry pie or maybe a bag of apples. Jake was put through and, though he beat the offside trap, he could beat the keeper who produced a worldy after resetting himself from a classic 'Jakeshake' dummy. Time ticked towards half time and it was to be the unforgiving surface that would end Jake's participation, a heavy fall from a challenge with their burly centre half left a clearly dejected Davey unable to continue. This left Scott Meyern, disguised as Jim's mate Conway to enter the fray and Jake to lying on some bags putting ice down his shorts. There was just time for a lovely move involving Lockie and some other players that weren't Lockie to set up Kaka for a simple smash home. Gasps from the stands annotated his decision to instead blast it high and wide at a passing pigeon...which is understandable if you've ever had some living in your loft. Acting manager Cumber, who went all Alastair McGowan in the pre-kick off team talk mimicking Perkins and Meyern's oratory, once more underlined what was needed. A win. With this embossed into their minds, the chartered warriors once more engaged the enemy with bayonets and broomsticks, still very much on top but without that much needed breakthrough (insert innuendo gag here), the call went out for a game-changer. Kaka was replaced by Robinson, who was the only one to answer the call as everyone else was either engaged or married. Patel reverted to left mid and the assault continued. A decent cross from the right was met sweetly by Conno, who recreated a wedding photo celebration with his muse Robinson. The high line that they were playing with was proving tricky to break without the offside call, and once the equaliser

came through a Little deflection off Little at a goalmouth melee, the misses looked like they were to prove costlier than any of the Serb Sacha's trips to the bar the previous evening. Thankfully, Meyern's body double spared blushes by rounding off a classy battling display by taking on and beating a defender or two and firing above the keeper. It was to prove the winner, but there was still time for a decent chance from Martinez from a short corner, a Danny Higham blunderbuss into orbit and one or two other passages of play that have escaped the reporter's ailing memory. As the dust settled and the donkey's members were consumed in the clubhouse, it was largely agreed that it was 3 points won and the dream lives on. A hugely heartfelt and hearty congratulation from all of us here at the Vague News Bulletin to the boy Perkins, and also to the Icelandic dust cloud that could secure his services for the crunch game next week. Bali or Bromley? Watch this space. Not this space, or this one > <

Stay classy San Diego.

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