ANDERSON UNIVERSITY SCHOOL OF THEOLOGY

DIVORCE AND REMARRIAGE IN THE CHURCH OF GOD

(WITH A SPECIALIZED PLAN OF ACTION)

A DISSERTATION SUBMITTED TO
THE DOCTOR OF MINISTRY STUDIES PROGRAM
IN CANDIDACY FOR THE DEGREE OF
DOCTOR OF MINISTRY

BY
JANET MURPHY

ANDERSON, INDIANA
MARCH 3, 2008

UMI Number: 3304659

Copyright 2008 by
Murphy, Janet

All rights reserved.

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This dissertation has been approved by the Dissertation/Project Committee

appointed for Janet Murphy, Anderson University School of Theology Doctor of
Ministry Studies Program

V A'

Dr. Juafiita E. Leonard , Chair

^S^^^tf?
Dr. Theodore Stoneberg, Member
^>cv. j y g L ^ - ^ C ^ & L ^ 3 ^ Dr. Kerry RobTr&on, Member

CONTENTS

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

ABSTRACT

vii

Chapter
INTRODUCTION

1. DIVORCE IN THE CHURCH

10

The Statistics
The Culture of Divorce
The Council on Families in America
2. REVIEW OF LITERATURE

31

Review of Christian Literature

Review of Sociological Literature
Review of Church of God (Anderson, IN) Literature
3. THE MINISTRY PROJECT: DIVORCE IN THE PRESENT DAY
CHURCH OF GOD
PARTI. THE SURVEY AND ITS IMPLICATIONS

63

PART II: THE EFFECTS OF DIVORCE ON CHILDREN

83

PART III: AFFAIRS: THE HIDDEN ENEMY

101

4. IMPLICATIONS AND RECOMMENDATIONS

117

The Marriage Savers Model

5. CONCLUSION: IMPLICATIONS FOR MINISTRY

-in-

134

6. SUGGESTIONS FOR FURTHER RESEARCH

143

Appendix
A. DATA USE AGREEMENT

147

B. COPY OF CONSENT FORM FOR CASE STUDIES

149

C. AN OVERVIEW OF MARRIAGE SAVERS

150

D. COMMENTARY BY CHURCH LEADERSHIP

159

BIBLIOGRAPHY

170

-IV-

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
I must first of all thank my heavenly father whose unwavering faithfulness
has been my guide. This dissertation/project came together as God has willed it
and I pray that it will be given consideration by his people.
Then I must give credit to my earthly parents, John and Nadine Pietsch,
who have recently celebrated their 61 S T wedding anniversary. Gilbert Stafford
once told me that my parents were noble people. He did not know the half of it.
They are not only noble but Godly, faithful followers of Christ. Every day of my
life they modeled Christlike love and faithfulness. I learned at their feet the
meaning of stable marriage and family. I saw them love and support each other.
I saw my father treat my mother with love and respect. I saw my mother care for
and respect my father. They may never know the legacy they are leaving by
simply living out their Christian marriage in front of me.
Then I must thank my husband, Joe, for his patience with me through this
entire program. I can say with all sincerity that I am who I am today because of
you. Thank you for all the theological discussions which served to sharpen me
and cause me to think and grow. They were not all easy but they were all
meaningful, because in the end I am more grounded as a result of your
influence.
Then I must thank my son, Dan, for being such a blessing to me. Your
passion for aviation at such a young age was one of the most unexpected and
-v-

exciting blessings given to me by God. How proud we are of you to have

accomplished such amazing things in your young life so far.
I also thank the persons on my committees: Mark Ruppert, Jim Roma,
Marian Wiseman, William Wimmer, Mike Lemay and Jenise Lemay. You really
were my support system through this and I can only pray that God will bless you
richly. Thank you for your availability and your expertise. Thanks Juanita
Leonard for being the encouraging mentor that you have been. I truly appreciate
your positive and kind approach.

-VI-

ABSTRACT
DIVORCE AND REMARRIAGE IN THE CHURCH OF GOD
(WITH A SPECIALIZED PLAN OF ACTION)
JANET MURPHY

One can see a radical shift in theological thinking about divorce and
remarriage in the Church of God in the twentieth century. From the first decade
to the last decade of that century the pendulum went from one extreme to the
other. The early pioneers exercised their authority from the Word of God. They
resolved that the issue of divorce and remarriage was a matter which the Bible
directly and adequately addressed. The locus of authority was centered in the
Bible and it was a very rigid code of ethics.
In the early 1970's the introduction of no-fault divorce in America gave
birth to the culture of divorce in which we now live. The church was swept away
by a tidal wave of divorce. As pastors and counselors became increasingly
client-centered (taking a non-directive role), divorce became more about the
individual's needs and less about God's will or creative design. Even though
Church of God writing in the latter twentieth century upholds and affirms
marriage as God's ideal, it seems as though divorce had become a question of
conscience. The locus of authority came to rest with the individual.
There now exists a new generation of the church. This generation has
been shaped by children of divorced parents, by cohabitation, by an increasing

-vii-

desensitization to divorce, and by blended families. If the church is not very

deliberate, she may unknowingly and innocently become part of the problem
instead of part of the solution. It is God's desire to preserve for himself a people,
a community and divorce among his people destroys that community by
weakening it, and desecrating God's intention. This issue must be revisited with
a sense of renewed vision and commitment to the restoration of marriage and
family to God's creative purpose.

-Vlll-

Divorce and Remarriage in the Church of God

(With a Specialized Plan of Action)

INTRODUCTION
With the staggering statistics on divorce in the church, one might
prematurely fault the church for some kind of failure to teach, or failure to preach,
or failure to uphold a godly standard which has resulted in such a massive
coalescence with the world that it is difficult to distinguish between the two. But
the truth of the matter is that with the onslaught of the culture of divorce, the
church did what the church does, she ministered to hurting people. The church
was caught in the landslide of divorce brought on by the deregulation of divorce
laws in the 1960's. We are dealing with the aftermath of a massive breakdown in
legislation which is threatening the very fabric of the institution of marriage and
family in this country.
The formidable barriers which were once standing in the way of easy
divorce had been removed and the masses had been fed a tale of entitlement
and fulfillment of self, to the exclusion of anyone or anything else. "Between
1969 and 1985 all states enacted some form of no-fault divorce modifying the
traditional fault grounds of adultery, desertion, and cruelty with no-fault grounds,
such as incompatibility or irretrievable breakdown."1 However, no-fault divorce
created many more problems than it had originally set out to resolve. It indirectly
endorsed easy divorce. It encouraged family members to make decisions that
1

Allen M. Parkman, Good Intentions Gone Awry (New York: Rowman & Littlefield
Publishers, Inc., 2000), preface ix.
-1-

-2were not in the best interest of other family members (i.e. the children). It
impoverished many divorced women and the children of divorced parents. It
began a massive erosion of the institution of marriage and family. To sum up the
destruction, it began a snowball effect that this nation (and the church) is still
reeling from in 2008.
The church came behind this massive tidal wave trying to pick up the
pieces of people's lives. What else was she to do? What was in the beginning
an attempt by legislators to deregulate divorce laws so that completely
disintegrated marriages could be more easily attained, became a nightmare. It is
a nightmare for this society, for the institution of marriage and for the church.
"The no-fault divorce laws have had significant, but often subtle and unexpected
effects on individuals and families by dismantling a divorce system that had been
based essentially on the mutual consent of the spouses and replacing it with a
system that permits either spouse to dissolve a marriage unilaterally."2
Today men and women alike can make the unilateral decision to walk out
on a marriage for no reason at all except by the express will of one partner.
Divorce has become the norm and it has become easy. Our society is marked
by growing division, a society of single mothers and vanished fathers, of divided
households and split parenting, and of fractured parent-child bonds and
fragmented families. "How many divorces over how many years can a nation

lbid, 1.

-3sustain without serious damage to its social fabric?"3 Truth be told the damage
has been done. For the past 40+ years children have been schooled in this
culture of divorce. What they have been taught is that families break up,
relationships end, and love is for immediate gratification and certainly does not
last forever. A perception of permanence and trust will continue to erode until
eventually there will exist no assurance in the permanency of marriage or the
confidence to make marriage work.
In trying to help the masses pick up the pieces of their lives after divorce,
the church has inadvertently incorporated the divorce culture into her own
identity. Then the years pass and she has become fused with so many people
who have been divorced that it is no longer a black and white issue but rather a
very confusing one. How does the church address this issue when it is so
rampant even among her own ranks? How does she reestablish a holy standard
for marriage when the breakdown is so severe that the ramifications of divorce
on children will affect her into the future? Is it possible that we have not yet seen
the worst of the divorce culture's effects upon the lineage of the Christian faith?
The Christian community seems to be at a impasse when it comes to
dealing with divorce and remarriage. Charles Colson sums up the situation
accurately when he says, "Their (the local church) response to the decline of
marriage has often been helpless hand-wringing and haranguing against a
decadent culture. Few clergy have been equipped to put the brakes on the

Barbara Dafoe Whitehead, The Divorce Culture (New York: Random House,
1996), 187.

-4destructive trends that have torn marriages apart at ever increasing rates, even
within their own congregations."4
To add insult to injury, struggling through the Christian literature on this
subject is agonizing, hair-splitting and unresolved. There is no agreement.
While many authors argue that the Bible is clear on the matter, the matter is
anything but clear. The dilemma gives new meaning to being unable to see the
forest for the trees. For decades the church has focused so intently upon the
individual "trees" that it has neglected the "forest" (the institution of marriage and
family and its contribution to God's creative purpose) and the forest is dying.
Perhaps the time has come that we approach this dilemma with a new voice and
from a new perspective. Perhaps the time has come where a greater awareness
is necessary in order to approach this issue with greater insight.
In order for the pendulum to come to rest in a more balanced position, the
church must rise up and become a part of the massive efforts to restore
marriage and family to what God originally intended. In order to do this, she
must become fully aware of what has happened in the last fifty years to advance
the divorce culture in which we now live. She must become aware that some of
the problems mentioned herein are prophetic to some degree. Although pastors
may not see the devastating effects of divorce in their churches at this present
time, the devastation will mold generations of people who are currently being
raised up into church leadership. Divorced persons will feel that call to pastoral

Charles Colson and Nancy Pearcey, How Now Shall we Live? (Wheaton,
Illinois: Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., 1999), 326.

-5ministry, can the church deny them? Blended families are fast becoming the
norm. Christians are divorcing multiple times. The ramifications are extensive
and it will take activism rather than passivity in the face of seemingly hopeless
and unstoppable trends. The key word here being seemingly. Raising
consciousness may appear hopeless in the face of such overwhelming odds but
the church has an edge. The church has the blessing of God and the power of
his spirit to guide and empower her. God will bless the efforts of his people and
therein lies her power to change the course of history.
THE PROBLEM
In light of so many varied opinions and interpretations of Scripture
regarding divorce and remarriage among Christians, church leaders are seeking
answers which are doctrinally sound yet merciful when dealing with divorce in
their own congregations. The pendulous reaction of church leadership down
through the ages has swayed from harsh legalism to apparent tolerance and
church leaders are concerned that this tolerance may be more acquiescence
than mercy. Pastors are struggling with practical application of biblical principles
when confronted with divorce and many are uncertain about the direction they
should take.
As divorce reaches epidemic proportions in the Body of Christ, church
leaders are realizing that they have few, if any, concrete answers when it comes
to dealing with this matter. Some feel that the Bible is very clear in its teaching
on divorce and some believe it to be ambiguous. Perhaps what is necessary is
to speak with a new and different voice, one that is biblically grounded yet

-6approaches this subject from a different perspective, because what is being

done is apparently not working.
SETTING
The author is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor with a Master's
Degree in Pastoral Counseling from Ashland Theological Seminary and is in
private practice in Akron, Ohio. This setting provides advantageous insight into
what Christians think but may not tell their pastors. In this respect the setting of
the author may render a degree of perception which is out of the range of the
church proper. At the same time, the author is an ordained minister of the
Church of God and has been in pastoral ministry in past years and has been in
the position of pastor. Having this kind of background has enabled her to
possess greater understanding of certain issues from a societal perspective as
well as from a ministry perspective.
Although the setting of the author is in private practice counseling, the
setting for this project is the church, more specifically the Church of God,
Anderson, Indiana. It is intended that this project will alert the Church of God to
the trend of the culture and how it influences the church as well as to provide
recommendations as to how the church can respond in a manner which lends to
correcting the problem instead of perpetuating it. The survey research is limited
to pastoral leadership within the Church of God but hopefully its interpretation will
speak to the church at large.
PROJECT
The central purpose of this project was to research the current attitudes

-7and beliefs of pastors of the Church of God (Anderson, Indiana), concerning

divorce. It is also intended to assess the culture in which the church functions
and to analyze its beliefs and attitudes toward the institution of marriage and how
this may or may not affect the church. Hopefully, this project has identified the
strengths and weaknesses of church ministry in the particular areas of marriage
and divorce and remarriage within the church.
This project does not purport to research or debate biblical stances
regarding divorce and remarriage beyond a cursory overview. Rather this project
will be formulated and developed upon a single biblical stance which is that God
hates divorce. It will explore God's creation design which is to form communities
based on the building blocks of human families and how this design is disrupted
both in the present and in the future by divorce.5 This disruption not only affects
how creation design functions in alliance with God's covenantal relationship, it
also disrupts society by perpetuating its devastating effects into future
generations.6
This project will research how the breakdown of the institution of marriage
affects the culture both inside and outside the church. This research will also
explore the sociological assertions that the institution of marriage is in serious
distress and the destructive effects it will have on the future of society. In

Craig Van Gelder, The Essence of the Church (Grand Rapids: Baker Books,
2000), 92.
6

Jan Murphy, "Divorce in the Church," a paper submitted to Dr. David L.

Sebastian, DMIN 7340 (Anderson: Anderson University School of Theology) April, 2005.

-8addition, this project will identify strategies which will enable the church and her
ministry to take a proactive, yet merciful stance against divorce and in favor of
marriage. The questions on the survey will be evaluated and interpreted and the
most crucial concerns will be addressed. It is intended that this project will begin
to bring the pendulum to a respectable balance of doctrine and grace. It is also
intended that the church will realize new approaches and perhaps speak with a
new and different voice when addressing the concern of divorce and remarriage
in the church.
PROCESS
The process involved petitioning Church Services for permission to obtain
all the e-mail addresses for pastors and associate pastors sorted by state in
order to conduct a stratified random sample survey.7 They uploaded in excess of
3,000 e-mail addresses and sent them to me. After downloading them, five to
seven random addresses were chosen from each state so that all the states
were equally represented. This electronic survey was sent to 332 random
persons who had positions of pastoral leadership in churches of God in the
continental United States and it brought a 29% response rate (97 surveys
returned).
The first mailing was sent on October 16, 2006 and roughly 45 were
returned. The second and final mailing was sent a week later on October 23,
2006 and another 52 were received making a total of 97 responses. This survey

See Appendix A.

-9consisted of 5 demographic questions, 14 survey questions, and three essay

questions. Additionally, each respondent was invited to elaborate on any of the
questions in which they wanted to give further explanation. The results were
plenteous with many of the respondents taking their valuable time to address
some of these crucial issues from their perspective and experience.
FINDINGS
The results of the survey brought to the forefront several areas of concern
among pastors. Of course there was appreciable concern that divorce is
rampant in the church. This was not surprising. However, the results indicated
sizable concern for the damage that divorce causes to children. Additionally, a
large sampling of pastors personally knew of Christian marriages which ended in
divorce because of an affair. Interestingly, 78 out of 95 respondents answered
yes to this question making a shocking 82% of this sampling personally knowing
of a Christian marriage which has ended in divorce because of an affair.

CHAPTER ONE

DIVORCE IN THE CHURCH

I believe that it [divorce] is a curse on the church. It affects

how the unsaved, those outside the church, and even the
Christians feel about the church, God, and other
relationships.
There should be a vigorous educational/scriptural teaching
from Anderson about divorce. There are so many diverse
opinions from so many senior pastors about this subject. I
am greatly disturbed that the church doesn't do any better
than the world in this area.
This is an issue I have been thinking about a lot lately. I
have always been taught that it was wrong to remarry after
divorce no matter the circumstances, but so many that I
consider "good" Christians are doing it. I don't really know
what I believe about that now. I'd be interested in the results
of your survey.8
The statistics are grim and the outlook is solemn. We in the church are
being told that the divorce rate is equal to that outside the church. Pastors are
concerned and seeking answers which might help them handle this crisis in a
more informed and scriptural manner. The above responses are a small
sampling from the leadership of the Church of God.
The statisticians have painted a rather dismal and gloomy picture of
divorce among the ranks of the Body of Christ. In a report by the Barna Group,
Ltd., an independent consulting firm in Ventura, California, the research
methodology of the 2004 survey was telephone interviews conducted with a

Responses from pastors who were surveyed for this dissertation/project.

-10-

-11random sample of 3,614 adults between January and August 2004. The sample
consisted of 1468 born again Christians and 2,147 non-born again adults and
the study showed that the likelihood of married adults getting divorced is identical
among born again Christians as those who are not born again. "This study also
cited attitudinal data showing that most Americans reject the notion that divorce
is a sin."9
The following summary of the study may be found on the Barna website.
The report is entitled, "Born Again Christians Just as Likely to Divorce As Are
Non-Christians." In the report, George Barna noted that one reason why the
divorce statistic among non-born again adults is not higher is that a larger
proportion of that group cohabits, thus side-stepping marriage (and divorce)
altogether. However, he goes on to say that if the non-born again group were to
marry at the same rate as the born again group, it would be likely that the divorce
statistic might be marginally higher than that among the born again group. This
observation is still a sad commentary on the church.
Barna's report also showed that multiple divorces are common among
born again Christians, to the tune of two or more times. The vast majority of the
respondents to Barna's poll (66%) disagreed with the teaching of Jesus that
divorce was a sin unless adultery was involved. Barna stated that there is no
end in sight regarding divorce. Barna has spoken, there is no end in sight.

The Barna Group, "Born Again Christians Just as Likely to Divorce as are NonChristians," Barna.org [home page on-line]; available from www.barna.org; Internet;
accessed January 14, 2007.

-12Barna's statistics and his commentary raise some very significant questions
regarding the role of the church in affecting the choices of her constituency.
Does the church have a voice or does she feel drawn into the hopelessness to
which Barna seems to allude? In the wake of his statistics, it would almost seem
that there is nothing that can be done, or is there? Shall we continue to create
programs to help people recover from the devastation of divorce yet give so little
attention to prevention? The church has far more leverage and influence in
affecting these issues than she thinks or even knows and she will need to
explore new possibilities and perhaps new strategies in dealing with this
epidemic of divorce. It is the church that shapes and impacts the lives, attitudes,
and spiritual formation of her constituency. Even in the midst of the staggering
statistics, the church's role is indispensable because she is the mouthpiece. In
his book, The Moral Vision of the New Testament, Richard Hayes states it well
when he writes:
In this matter, as in many others, the first great need of the church is
for clear teaching . . . we must proclaim the New Testament's word
on this matter in the regular course of preaching and teaching.
Ministers will frequently avoid these issues in preaching, even when
a text such as Mark 10:2-12 comes up in the lectionary. . . . But
avoidance of the issue merely perpetuates the cycle of
ignorance and unfaithfulness that is undermining marriage in
the church.... we need to start telling the truth about the difficult
challenges of faithful marriage and about marriage as a covenantal
commitment. 10

10

Richard B. Hayes, The Moral Vision of the New Testament (New York:
HarperCollins Publishers, Inc., 1996), 374.

-13The challenge which lies before the church is to find a renewed vision
regarding marriage and the family and as part of that vision to speak and teach
against divorce. This dilemma has insidiously undermined the ideal which God
has set forth in the creation of the family, and in light of the postmodern mindset
which distorts God's ideal, pastors seem to be simply treading water with no
clear conviction of how to deal with this issue in the here and now. Much of the
dilemma for pastors can be summed up in an excerpt by George Ewald:
Prior to the introduction of the no-fault divorce, the church as a
whole dealt with divorce by legislation at their synods and
conferences. Then statistics began to indicate increased divorce
rates.. . .What most of us didn't realize was that the world and,
regretfully, the church's membership were not listening. . . .
Individual Christians and those brought into the church through
conversion were frequently making decisions to divorce for a
variety of personal reasons. The floodgate was open. The clergy
couldn't stop it; all they could do was to respond to it. The big
question was how? If the church is openly receptive to the
remarriage of divorced persons, whether the "innocent" or "guilty"
party, then will it not give the wrong message to its persons?
Should the clergy perform such marriages for divorced persons?
Can the divorced become deacons or elders or Sunday School
workers, or even sing in the choir? These were and still are big
questions on which denominations and individual church boards
have difficulty in making decisions. 11
This excerpt describes the most challenging issue facing the church today
concerning divorce which is how to achieve a harmonious balance of biblical
doctrine and grace. At this time, the church seems to be heavily inclined toward
grace and in need of more practical doctrinal direction. Can exercising grace
ever be lopsided? It can be when we are doing little more than acquiescing to a

11

George Ewald, Jesus and Divorce (Scottsdale, Pennsylvania: Harold Press,

1991), 100.

-14social norm because we lack more solid biblical direction and conviction. As one
respondent to the survey so adequately puts it, "We were perhaps too strict in
the past but the pendulum has swung too far in the other direction." Indeed it
has.
In reading and researching divorce and remarriage in today's Christian
church, there are many books written which seem to be looking for that loophole,
that window through which we can squeeze and somehow escape the teachings
of Jesus. This is more than likely a compensation for the harsh rigidity of the
church toward divorce in past decades. It may also be a response to the present
postmodern mindset of tolerance and political correctness. It could also be
attributed to the fact that pastors and church leaders are dealing with an
outpouring of divorced people and blended families sitting in their pews. But
whatever the reason, today's literature swings too far in the opposite direction to
be credible at times. One author presents a variant reading on Malachi 2:16,
which reads:
This happens to be a verse for which there is a variant reading in
the oldest manuscripts. In that place where the King James text
says, "For the Lord, the God of Israel, saith that he hateth putting
away," the King James margin (which gives the variant reading)
says, "For the Lord, the God of Israel, saith if he hate her, put her
away, . . . "When thou shalt hate her put her away, saith the Lord
the God of Israel". . . . the Targum (in agreement with the
Septuagint version, from which the apostles often quoted) says, "if
thou hate her, divorce her."12

12

Ralph Woodrow, Divorce and Remarriage, What Does the Bible Really Say?
(Palm Springs, California: Ralph Woodrow Evangelistic Association, Inc., 2002), 5.

-15It is true that a document known as the Dead Sea Scroll manuscript 4QXIIa
contains a variant reading of which this author speaks. This reflects the readings
of the Septuagint, the Targum, and the Peshitta, which - rather than prohibiting
divorce - actually encourage it. Yet Kruse-Blinkenberg13 has argued that these
three documents were probably altered to eliminate a supposed contradiction
with Deuteronomy 24:1-4, theorizing that these ancient versions were "corrected
in order to avoid inconsistency with Deuteronomy." The Masoretic Text, which is
the traditional Hebrew Old Testament, contains the reading which has been
adopted by the vast majority of translators which is, "God hates divorce."
The thrust of this passage in Malachi is that God wants to preserve a
godly lineage, not that he is giving instructions upon the correct way to divorce
one's Jewish wife so that he may marry a foreign wife and ultimately worship her
foreign God, thereby corrupting the lineage of a godly people. It would seem that
in a desire to find that loophole, Christians may become guilty of twisting the
Word of God to simply say what we would like it to say. Granted there are
textual problems with the Malachi passage but Ralph Woodrow strongly
contends that:
There are 23,214 verses within the Old Testament. Isn't it strange
that those who suppose God hates all cases of divorce, that all
divorce is sinful, must go through 23,188 verses - clear over to
Malachi 2:16 (with only 26 verses remaining) - in order to find one
verse against divorce! They quote this verse as though it was the
very theme of the Bible. . . . They form dogmatic conclusions on

"Ralph L. Smith, "Malachi," Word Biblical Commentary 32 (Waco.Texas: Word

Books, 1984), 323.

-16wording for which there is a strong variant reading in the oldest

manuscripts and which, if correct, is the very opposite of the point
they try to make!14
If this verse were seen as condoning divorce, "Such a reading undermines all
that the prophet is seeking to convey."15
So then what is the church to do? Are we to make an example of those
wounded by divorce by ostracizing and stigmatizing them? Are we to look upon
them as second class Christians who are somehow tainted and forever marred
spiritually? How can the Church teach and preach for committed marriage and
family relationships without continuing to wound those who have already fallen
victim to divorce? There is certainly no clear cut, black and white answer to this
dilemma but we must either struggle with it or concede to its devastation. As
more respondents to the survey comment:
I think the Bible is very clear about divorce. We in the church
just need to put it into practice instead of rationalizing it to meet
our own personal need.
I think the pendulum has swung the opposite direction. I think
divorce has gotten easier, but has been so difficult. I think the
church too often treats divorcees as second class citizens and
banishes them from fellowship and service. . . . There are those
(divorces) where people have been lax and cavalier. . . . The
Bible is not as clear in my "opinion" as it could be on the issue
and human interpretation has made it subject to so much
"opinion."
Our churches, in general, do not take divorce as seriously as it
should. However, I don't think it should be so shaming as it was

14

Woodrow, 6.

16

Joyce G. Baldwin, "Haggai, Zechariah, Malachi," Tyndale Old Testament

Commentaries (Leicester: Inter-Varsity Press, 1972), 241.

-17in past years. We seem to have swung to the other side of the
issue and taken on a nonchalant view of divorce. We take
divorce in most cases with extreme apathy in my opinion. 16
If anyone questions that the pendulum has swung in the opposite
direction, they only need to read literature written in 1970, 1980 and the early
1990's such as Christian Ethics by Norman Geisler, Divorce and

Remarriage:

Four Christian Views by H. Wayne House, Strike the Original Match by

Charles R. Swindoll, Matthew: Thy Kingdom Come by John F. Walvoord, to
name a few. These authors write with exegetical conviction and firm adherence
to scripture. In the meantime there are those church leaders who are dealing
first hand with the wounded and the apparent hopelessness of the family
dilemma. In A New Day for Family Ministry by Richard Olson and Joe
Leonard, Jr., this very disturbing question is asked by these authors, "Is 'the
family as an institution' disintegrating, or is it adapting and regrouping?" They go
on to give their definition of family, which is, "We understand the concept of
family to mean any network of two or more people linked over time emotionally
and usually biologically and legally; sharing such things as home, spiritual and
material resources, interpersonal care giving, memory, common agenda, and
aspirations." 17 These two authors make their most disturbing confession when
they write, "Our definition of family is more empirical than ideological.

It takes

16

Responses from pastors who were surveyed for this dissertation/project.

"Richard P. Olson and Joe H. Leonard, Jr., A New Day for Family Ministry
(Bethesda, MD: The Alban Institute, Inc., 1996), 26.

-18-

whatis seriously before affirming what should be."18

Herein poses a very disturbing question, "Could the church possibly be
undermining God's ideal by acquiescing to the "what is" of present day society
instead of adhering to what God has instituted? Could we in the church be so
swept away with compassion, or helplessness, or lack of direction, or perhaps
even the desire for numbers that we finally give in to the demise of marriage and
family and simply take what we can get? It is a certainty that not all pastors
would agree with these authors but there should be a justifiable fear that as
younger pastors mature under this kind of tutelage and in the face of the moral
decay of this society, that the church might possibly one day lead the way in the
undermining of marriage and family. Olson and Leonard end one of their
chapters with their new paradigm. They say that after defining family and
describing contemporary family realities, they are ready to point out some of the
key elements of their new paradigm. Their new paradigm is disheartening with
such assertions as:
1) We should not speak about "the family" but about "families" and
include in our understanding more types of relationships
than ever before;
2) Contemporary families have a variety of members, styles, and
decision-making processes;
3) Relationships in contemporary families vary in duration; such
instability does not invalidate their importance. . . ;
4) Contemporary families have fewer institutional norms and
predictable patterns to guide them;
5) Contemporary families have great needs for teaching, guidance
and counsel about how to live out their calling as families;
6) Families today need pastors and church leaders who have fewer

ibid.

-19presumptions about them and more willingness to listen to

their unique needs.19
Has the church influenced society or has society changed the church? This is
the question with which the church must grapple. It seems that the dilemma the
church faces is how to handle the mindset of contemporary society which is, "I
will do as I wish and if you want me in your church you must support my
decisions and lifestyles." Shall we acquiesce to this precursor of moral anarchy?
What is even more ironic is that there are massive efforts by secular
groups such as Americans for Divorce Reform, The Institute for American
Values, The Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, to name a
few, to uphold the ideal of marriage and the family.20 As a way of properly
understanding the divorce dilemma, there are studies which have been
conducted regarding the need to decrease divorce and pass legislation to make
divorce harder to obtain. The reason? "Each year, over one million American
children suffer the divorce of their parents; moreover, half of the children born
this year to parents who are married will see their parents divorce before they
turn 18. Mounting evidence in social science journals demonstrates that the
devastating physical, emotional, and financial effect that divorce is having on
these children will last well into adulthood and affect future generations."21

19

lbid, 44.

20

See Chapter 5 for an overview of these organizations.

21

Patrick K. Fagan and Robert E. Rector, "The Effects of Divorce on America,"

Heritage.org [home page on-line]; available from
www.heritaqe.org/Research/Family/BG1373.cfm; Internet; accessed January 14, 2007.

-20If studies are being conducted which call American institutions to rise up
to the occasion, should not the church be at the forefront? Fagan and Rector
state, "American society, through its institutions, must teach core principles: that
marriage is the best environment in which to raise healthy, happy children who
can achieve their potential and that the family is the most important institution for
social well-being, and to set about the task of rebuilding a culture of family based
on marriage and providing it with all the protections and supports necessary to
make intact marriages commonplace, federal, state and local officials must have
the will to act."22
THE CULTURE OF DIVORCE
Perhaps it is beneficial to understand the postmodern culture which is
infiltrating the church as well as the mindset regarding divorce and remarriage.
Olsen and Leonard state that, "some are now speaking with alarm of a 'culture of
divorce' that has displaced the 'marriage culture' in America."23 They also speak
of the perils of "no-fault" divorce, as do many authors who are raising concerns
about the high divorce rate. They do, however, add a certain spin on the reason
that this society is so eager to divorce. As these two authors reflect on the
deterioration of marriage in this society due to divorce, they ponder the following:
Divorce seems more acceptable [to this generation] than continued
unhappiness. . . . The remarriage rate suggests that there is not
widespread disillusionment with marriage. Rather, divorce is driven
by dissatisfaction with a particular spouse. The tendency to "try, try

22

lbid.

23

Olsen and Leonard, 35.

-21again" is powerful. . . . Popular attitudes have changed toward

divorce. While most express belief in marriage as a lifetime
commitment, the share of Americans who believe a couple should
stay together in an unhappy marriage for the sake of the children has
diminished markedly. . . . It seems clear that few any longer view
marriage as an institution to be preserved at all cost. Instead,
marriage has come to be seen as a relationship that is expected to be
emotionally gratifying for the partners. When it fails to be so, many
make the choice of ending the relationship and trying again with
another partner, either in marriage or in cohabitation.24
The concern of the author who counsels many Christians and nonChristians on the brink of divorce is that as a society we do not know how to
make marriage work. Another concern is, unfortunately this society does not
seem to understand that unless something is bought with a price, it becomes
worthless. This culture seems to be discarding spouses and marriages at an
alarming rate without realizing they can get to the other side of difficult seasons
of their marriages and when they do the relationship becomes more valued. The
author sees people jumping from one relationship to another always in search of
that "first love" feeling which is found in the newness of any relationship. Once
that romantic feeling dissipates, people automatically assume that their marriage
is doomed to failure. Couples need to be taught that marriage has various
stages which contain transitions and developmental tasks as they move from
one stage to another.25 Many marriages are ending because the people involved
feel hopeless and helpless to know how to make the needed changes in their

24

lbid.

25

Everett Worthington, "Marriage Throughout the Family Life Cycle," Marriage

Counseling: A Christian Approach to Counseling Couples (Downers Grove, Illinois:
InterVarsity Press, 1989), 47-59.

-22relationship and can see no end to the unhappiness in which they find
themselves.
THE COUNCIL ON FAMILIES IN AMERICA
In a report by the Council on Families in America, more in-depth insights
into marriage and divorce are presented. The culture of divorce regards
marriage as the problem. This brief excerpt describes the angst in the author's
experience of marriage counseling:
Marriage has come to be regarded as the problem and not the
solution. Marriage, as we are told, is restrictive, confining,
oppressive, and unliberating. The solution, many of us have come
to believe, is the unencumbered life, the life without binding
commitments, the life of new beginnings - a life that can often be
achieved through divorce. In the recent past, divorce was limited to
those marriages which had irreparably broken down, often because
one spouse was seriously pathological or incompetent. Today,
divorce may occur simply because one partner is unhappy or
because a better partner has been located. And given the high
rate of divorce, more and more possible partners are
continually entering the market (emphasis mine).26
This report presents a pattern that much of the church may not see. This
pattern is the impetus of this dissertation and is described in the bold lettering
above. I have had conversations with pastors whereby I was told that nobody
"wants" a divorce. The church seems to be living in the recent past spoken of in
this report (underlined). There was a time when divorce may have happened
only in those marriages that were irreparably broken down. But today, people

The Council on Families in America, "Marriage in America: A Report to the

Nation," AmericanValues.org [home page on-line]; available from
www.americanvalues.org/html/r-marriaqe in america.html: Internet; accessed May 18,
2007.

-23are discarding their marriages with apparent flippancy. As reported by the

Council on Families in America, one of the many reasons that people have so
little investment in marriage is that, "In a high-divorce society, not only are more
unhappy marriages likely to end in divorce, but in addition, more marriages are
likely to become unhappy."27 It seems to become a trend to divorce because one
gets bored, or unhappy, or unfulfilled, etc. This mindset reaches epidemic
proportions when, because of the high rate of divorce, people are less willing to
invest themselves fully in the institution of marriage.
The Council contends that marriage is an institution in decay and that this
collapse of marriage is leading to growing family instability and decreasing
parental investment in children. Yet Olson and Leonard, from a Christian
ministry perspective, maintain that family is not disintegrating, but merely
adapting and regrouping. What they propose suggests that we must make the
best of it and design entirely new family solutions for this high-divorce culture. Is
ministry fulfilling its function when the doors are open so wide that the narrow
road is no longer discemable or even cared about? When we do not call people
to repentance and Christian values, do we not then become more a part of the
problem than the solution? Is the culture of divorce becoming the norm in the
church also? As people with this viewpoint infiltrate the church, does not the
culture of divorce infiltrate along with them?

27

lbid, 7.

-24This trend in our culture is deafening the call to strengthen marriage and
the family and will do so in the church unless we are vigilant and strive to
maintain proper awareness. This culture of divorce is saturated with writing and
research that clearly presents a bias which is anti-marriage. In the
aforementioned Report to the Nation, it says:
The trend toward a divorce culture is also clearly evident in
academic research and writing. Much of the scholarly discourse on
family issues conducted over the past three decades has contained
a strong anti-marriage bias. Many textbooks written for use in
schools and colleges openly propagandize against any privileged
cultural status for marriage and quite often even against marriage
itself. . . . Our nation's increasingly casual acceptance of
divorce as a normative experience for millions of parents and
children should be a cause for profound alarm, not
resignation, passivity, and excuse-making (emphasis mine).28
Certainly, we need to be alarmed, as a nation and as the church. We all play a
major role in this drama and we must all take the consequences very seriously.
The report goes on to ascertain that as a society we are failing to teach and
provide role modeling to the next generation about the meaning, purpose and
responsibilities of marriage and that if this continues, it will constitute nothing less
than an act of cultural suicide.
WHAT THEN IS THE CHURCH'S ROLE?
In order to restore the institution of marriage to its master format, the
church must reexamine God's original intent for marriage, the family and its role
in forming society. In a book entitled The Essence of the Church, Craig Van
Gelder explains, "Creation design can be defined as what the world was like

Ibid, 9.

-25before sin entered the scene."29 The best way to determine the desire of God for
his creation is to understand his intention for creation before it was disrupted by
sin. Once the entrance of sin created a fallen world, creation design had to be
re-created in order to restore into right relationship that which was broken by sin.
It will be in this creation design that we see God's divine intention for the
family and ultimately for the formation of culture. Van Gelder says, "God created
male and female and it was his intention that they were to find intimacy and
fulfillment in this complementary relationship. . . . God's purpose was to create
communities based on the building block of human families. . . . Humans were to
use both their physical and mental skills to form culture."30 But then sin
happened. And nothing in God's creation design was left undamaged.
When giving thought to the issue of divorce, especially among God's
people, one cannot omit God's original intention. Divorce is a result of
humankind's fallen state and must be seen as such. Divorce does not only put
marriage asunder. It completely disrupts God's creation design all the way from
marriage, to the formation of families, to the formation of culture and back again.
The "circle of life" so to speak, is so affected by divorce that God's creation
design becomes profaned, perpetuating not family, not community, but
brokenness and fragmentation.

Van Gelder, 89.

'Ibid, 92.

-26It is God's desire to preserve for himself a people, a community and

divorce among his people destroys that community by weakening it, and
desecrating God's intention. Even in a fallen world, it is still God's desire that his
people create communities based upon the building blocks of families. But when
family is so easily destroyed, the effect upon God's community is devastating.
Even in this current society, we speak of divorce as the individual's right yet
rarely do we speak of the disruption in community and the damaging effects on
the Body of Christ. Instead, even Christians speak of entitlement even though it
only disparages God's desire for community. Divorce proliferates brokenness
especially in a high divorce society such as this one. The way in which this
brokenness is perpetuated is through children who are damaged by divorce and
who grow up to repeat what was modeled before them.
SEEKING GODLY SEED
The prophet Malachi saw a unspeakable thing happening in his culture.
God's people were leaving their wives to marry foreign women. As a result he
said to them, "Has not the Lord made them one? In flesh and spirit they are his.
And why one? Because he was seeking godly offspring. So guard yourself in
your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth. 'I hate divorce,'
says the Lord God of Israel, 'and I hate man's covering himself with violence as
well as with his garment. . . '"(emphasis mine) (Malachi 2:15 NIV). The
Wesleyan Bible Commentary states, "All of Israel were intended to be spiritual
children of Jehovah, to carry out the creative purpose of God in producing a

-27godly seed."31 This was to be done within the framework of community. The
marital union has a communal dimension and is to be carried out with deference
to the larger community. In the words of Eileen Schuller:
So much in North American society works on the assumption that
marriage and divorce and fidelity within marriage are private
matters of the persons concerned. We are rightly concerned with
the emotions and needs, the freedom and value of the individual.
But in honoring these values, we barely know how then to speak of
a sense of responsibility to a larger community. Particularly today
one rarely discussed aspect of fidelity in marriage is the
service it gives to the whole community of faith and to society
in general as a living embodiment of the ideals of fidelity,
commitment, and steadfastness. Likewise, infidelity, the
failure of a marriage, and divorce are particularly concrete and
visible expressions of a breakdown in these ideals. At some
level, these realities make it more difficult for all of society to
live out the values it recognizes and esteems. It is precisely this
sense of interrelatedness that can lead the community as a whole
to seek concrete ways to affirm, to strengthen, and to support
persons in their efforts to live in faithfulness (emphasis mine).32
It is this interrelatedness that is absent in any society which idolizes
entitlement and individuality over the greater good. Is it too much to expect that
people be cognizant of their contribution and responsibility to the larger
community? Can God's creation design survive without it? As stated above,
marriage is not the only thing put asunder by divorce. The ideals of fidelity,
commitment and steadfastness are broken down not only in the community of
faith, but in all of society as well.

31

Claude A. Ries, "The Book of Malachi," The Wesleyan Bible Commentary, Vol.
3 (Grand Rapids: Wm. B. Eerdmans Publishing Co., 1969), 801.
32

Eileen M. Schuller, "The Book of Malachi," The New Interpreter's Bible: The
Twelve Prophets, vol. 7 (Nashville: Abington Press, 1996), 866.

-28Why is it that godly offspring is so important to the Lord? Why is it that

godly offspring is more likely to be produced by lifelong unions than by broken
homes and interfaith marriages? First, it is possible that godly seed is a
reference to Israel herself, "daughters and sons of the one God who created
them as a people. By keeping faith with their Jewish wives (whether or not their
marriages are blessed with children) husbands preserve the covenant with God
and guard the unity of the covenant community."33 It is also possible that
Malachi has in mind the universal demands of marriage, so that "marital
faithfulness in itself, rather than marriage within Judaism, produces godly
children (cf. I Cor. 7:12-16)"34 The more probable answer is that the Lord desires
godly offspring, i.e., "children of the husband and his first Jewish wife," who "may
have been more likely to remain faithful to God if their father had not broken faith
with their mother."35 "So why only 'one?' Because God was seeking a godly
offspring, a process incompatible with multiple partners."36
As God's holy people, the Body of Christ, it is our charge to reproduce
godly offspring or godly seed. It is up to us to carry out the creative purpose of
God. Things such as divorce corrupts the lineage of godly offspring and for this

Pamela J. Scalise, "Malachi," The IVP Women's Bible Commentary (Downers

Grove: InterVarsity Press, 2002), 506.
34

Roger N. Carstensen, "The Book of Malachi," The Interpreter's One-Volume

Commentary on the Bible (Nashville: Abingdon Press, 1971), 514.
35

Scalise, 506.

36

Walter C. Kaiser, Jr., Hard Sayings of the Old Testament (Downers Grove:
InterVarsity Press, 1988), 252.

-29we are paying a high price. It is our responsibility to perpetuate godly seed for a
future holy race, the body of Christ. The community of faith must keep building
and rebuilding itself with godly union and godly seed. Individual entitlement has
no place in the body of Christ. The church today must take its eyes off of
individual entitlement and redirect its gaze to the proliferation of godly seed. One
of the greatest needs in the church today is to preserve the integrity of the family,
for the sake of the church and for its influence in the larger society.
Elizabeth Achtemeier makes the observation that "the Judean's worship
and pleas for help are unacceptable to God because their marital practices are
unacceptable - a view which, if applied to modern society, would call into
question the prayers and petitions of millions of American churchgoers."37 She
goes on to say, "The Lord hates divorce. It is an attitude that God never gets
over, according to the Bible, and yet it is a fact rarely considered by divorcing
persons. Usually they ask all the wrong questions. When a couple is
considering a separation, they are likely to ask, 'Will I be happier?' 'Can I make it
on my own?' 'Will it be better for the children?' rather than, 'What is God's
attitude toward the dissolution of this marriage?'"38 So how can contemporary
Christians enable hurting people to see that there are more important questions
and issues than their own self-interests? How can today's leaders best assist
others in aligning their attitudes and personal practices with their religious

37

Elizabeth Achtemeier, "Nahum - Malachi," Interpretation, A Bible Commentary

for Teaching and Preaching (Atlanta: John Knox Press, 1986), 182.
Ibid, 183.

-30facades? How can the church program its ministries so that marital relationships
are entered into soberly and are continually strengthened? How can the church
program its ministries so that the development of godly children is supported and
enabled? Finding the answers to all these and many other questions is the
fundamental purpose of this work.

CHAPTER TWO
REVIEW OF LITERATURE

CHRISTIAN LITERATURE
Within the Body of Christ there seems to be very little agreement on the
subject of divorce and remarriage which makes studying Christian literature on
this subject agonizing at times. There seems to be so many differing opinions,
differing perspectives and almost a hair-splitting over who can divorce and who
cannot and over who can remarry and who cannot. The key passages to be
considered are:
Genesis 2:24
Deuteronomy 24:1-4
Malachi 2:10-16
Matthew 5:31-32
Matthew 19:1-12
Mark 10:1-12
Luke 16:18
Romans 7:16
I Corinthians 7:10-15
The antithetical expanse of views on this topic may be found in Divorce
and Remarriage: Four Christian Views by Wayne House, in which the four
views contained within goes from one end of the continuum to the other, in one
book. In the first of the four Christian views, Carl Laney maintains that the Bible
is perfectly clear on the subject; there is to be no divorce and no remarriage.
After reviewing the Old and New Testament passages mentioned above, he
concludes that: God does not command divorce; the only reason it was allowed
in the Old Testament was because of hardness of the heart; the fundamental
-31-

-32teachings of Jesus should be followed precisely; remarriage is permissible

without sin for a widow, if the marriage is to another believer; remarriage
following divorce constitutes an act of adultery; marriage to a divorced person
constitutes an act of adultery; and when a divorce does occur, the only options
are reconciliation or the single life. Laney firmly believes that if this were taught
in the church, marriage would be entered into with greater caution and stronger
commitment. He also contends that if divorce were not viewed as a way out of a
difficult relationship, marriages would be stronger and longer lasting.39
The second view is held by William Heth who contends that there may be
divorce but no remarriage. He maintains that Christ taught there would be a
high cost involved in discipleship, and that cost involved submitting oneself to the
ethics of that kingdom. He goes on to say that this is just as true of Jesus' high
standards of marriage as it is for other aspects of Christian faith and practice.
His conclusion is that for the divorcing Christian there are only two alternatives
based upon the teachings of Jesus, which are to remain unmarried or else to be
reconciled. He grapples with his no-remarriage position by claiming that God will
give grace to those who seek to do his will. He says, "Thus if the Scriptures
teach that marriage is only dissolved when one of the covenant kinship partners
dies, then remarriage prior to the death of one of the partners involves the grave
sin of adultery."40 He also encourages the church to rise up and provide financial

39

H. Wayne House, Divorce and Remarriage: Four Christian Views (Downers

Grove, III: InterVarsity Press, 1990), 15-51.
Ibid, 115.

-33support to those who are separated or divorced, especially if they are seeking to
live by the ethics of the kingdom as set forth by the teachings of Christ.
The third view is written by Thomas Edgar who claims that there can be
divorce and remarriage for adultery or desertion. He believes the teachings
of Jesus to be clear that there is only one valid reason for divorce and a
subsequent remarriage and that is because of adultery. He bases his argument
on Matthew 19:9 which reads, "I say to you that whoever divorces his wife except
for fornication and marries another commits adultery," which is referred to as the
"exception clause" in the New Testament. He maintains that this verse is quite
clear, the exception is adultery. Then, as his basis for desertion, he uses I
Corinthians 7:15, which reads, "But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A
believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us
to live in peace.(NIV)" He concludes that since the Corinthian passage does not
specifically mention remarriage, it is not clear. He does, however, go on to say
that the most probable meaning is that the deserted spouse may divorce and
remarry.41
The fourth view, written by Larry Richards, is the most liberal position of
the book. He contends that there can be divorce and remarriage for a
variety of circumstances. He bases his viewpoint upon the hardness of heart
which is created by the fall. He develops his theme by asserting that Moses
allowed divorce because God, in grace, had taken the warping of humankind into

Ibid, 151-195.

-34account thus allowing a course of action which went against his own ideal. He
states, "Jesus' statement, and the very existence in the Law of provision for
divorce, should make us hesitate. If God treated human frailty so graciously in
the age of the Law and permitted not only divorce but also subsequent
remarriage, how can we, in this age of grace, treat divorce and remarriage so
legalistically?"42 He goes on to question how we can insist that there is no
rationale for divorce today, since even Jesus recognized hardness of heart as
the rationale for permitting divorce in Old Testament times. Jesus' statement of
God's ideal must not be distorted by Christians. It must not be mistaken as the
pronouncement of a new and higher law.
His conclusion is that the decision to divorce and/or remarry is to be left
up to individual conscience and to be decided between a husband and a wife.
He believes that persons who divorce for any reason do have the right to
remarry. Also, spiritual leaders have no right to tell people whether they can or
cannot divorce or remarry but they do possess the responsibility to give guidance
and help people accept responsibility for the failure of the marriage and to
confess the sin involved. And finally, persons who divorce and remarry have the
right to be fully involved in the life of the church without prejudice. They are to be
encouraged to take a place of service for which their gifts equip them.43

Ibid, 223.
Ibid, 242-243.

-35ls it any wonder that the church has become immobilized in its treatment
of divorce and remarriage? With such diverse views and teachings, all finding
their origin in the Word of God, what is the Body of Christ to conclude? It seems
that what has happened is we have thrown caution to the wind because of so
many differing viewpoints.
Norman Geilser's Christian Ethics, written in 1989, which was at the
height of the divorce revolution, sums up the various views on marriage and
divorce and evaluates the respective positions. He first lays the foundation for
the nature of marriage and contends that there is general agreement among
Christians regarding marriage. It is between one male and one female and
involves sexual rights. It is also a covenantal vow before God to be faithful to
each other because it is a monogamous relationship between one biological
male and one biological female.44
He goes on to say that beyond the above-mentioned points of agreement,
there is little unanimity among Christians. He sums up three basic views and
then evaluates each of them. In summary, he concludes that divorce is never
justifiable, even for adultery. However, while divorce is never justifiable, it is
sometimes permissible and always forgivable. He also contends that those who
recognize the sin of the divorce, and their responsibility for it, should be allowed
to remarry. However, their remarriage should be for life. If they fail in another
marriage then it is indicative of a deeper problem such as being unable to keep a

44

Norman Geisler, Christian Ethics (Grand Rapids: Baker Book House, 1989),
277-280.

-36lifetime commitment. This becomes very serious, especially in the Christian

community. He maintains that the epidemic proportions which divorce has
reached in society are a sober warning of the erosion of the sacredness of
marriage and that Christians should do everything in their power to exalt God's
standard of marriage.45
In his book, What About Divorce? Spiros Zodhiates meticulously
exegetes the above-mentioned passages and concludes that the marriage
relationship is broken upon the first act of infidelity to one's spouse because they
have ceased to be one flesh and have become one flesh with another. He
contends that, "Divorce is not just a change of mind, but a destruction of God's
creation of one flesh."46 He does not view one flesh only as the fusion brought
about by a sexual union, but also as the spiritual union of two spirits. Therefore
he resolves that the Lord never allowed divorce for any reason other than
fornication.
Still another viewpoint is provided by Charles R. Swindoll who maintains
that he is in agreement with John R. W. Stott that, "[Divorce was] a divine
concession to human weakness."47 However, he does caution that no Christian
should seek to divorce because it is in the marital relationship that God teaches

45

lbid, 292.

46

Spiros Zodhiates, What About Divorce? (Chattanooga: AMG Publishers, 1984),

178.
47

John R. W. Stott, Christian Counter-Culture (Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity

Press, 1978), 95; in Charles R. Swindoll, Strike the Original Match (Portland, OR:
Multnomah Press, 1983), 147.

-37some of the most enduring lessons about life. He contends that working through
marital problems can strengthen not only the marriage but individuals as well.
He does contend that there are extreme cases in which reconciliation will not
happen and that scripture sets forth three such cases. The First uses 2
Corinthians 5:17 as a biblical basis for when the marriage and divorce occurred
prior to salvation. His Second exception uses Matthew 19:9 as a basis when
one's mate is guilty of sexual immorality and is unwilling to repent and live
faithfully with the marriage partner. The Third is taken from I Corinthians 7:15
which states that when one of the mates is an unbeliever and willfully and
permanently deserts the believing partner, the believing spouse is not bound in
such cases. Swindoll closes his chapter with a warning that human beings are
equipped with a remarkable ability to rationalize and this rationalization will cause
us to push in the direction of divorce if we are not careful. He cautions Christians
not to ignore the inner voice of God's Spirit or to violate the scriptures by
rationalizing our way out of the marriage instead of through the difficulty. He
ends his chapter by stating, "There is something much worse than living with a
mate in disharmony. It's living with God in disobedience." 48
One concept which is seen at times throughout the literature is the idea
that God is divorced. According to Jeremiah 3:8, God says, "I gave faithless
Israel her certificate of divorce and sent her away because of all her adulteries."
Jay Adams affirms that, "If God Himself became involved in divorce proceedings

48

Charles R. Swindoll, Strike the Original Match (Portland, OR: Multnomah

Press, 1983), 139-149.

-38with Israel, it is surely wrong to condemn any and all divorce out of hand.
Obviously, from this passage it is certain that sometimes, in some ways, divorce,
for some persons, under some circumstances is altogether proper and not the
object of God's hatred."49 Adams' overarching contention is that we must neither
wink at divorce, nor simply denounce it. He maintains that we in the church must
seek to regulate it according to biblical principles. To summarize his stance,
"Divorce: 1) always stems from sin, 2) is not necessarily sinful, 3) always breaks
a marriage, 4) is never necessary among believers, 5) is legitimate on the
grounds of sexual sin, 6) is legitimate when an unbeliever wishes to divorce a
believer, 7) is forgivable when sinful. . . Remarriage: 1) in general, is desirable, 2)
is possible for a divorced person, 3) is possible for a sinfully-divorced person
through forgiveness, 4) is possible only when all biblical obligations have been
met, 5) is possible only when parties are prepared for marriage."50
Yet another author, Walter Callison, in his book, Divorce, A Gift of God's
Love, speaks of the fact that God is divorced as seen in Jeremiah 3. It is as
though this portion of scripture gives an impetus for a stance on divorce that
defies tradition. Certainly, what these authors are resisting is the church's
longstanding rigidity against all divorce and remarriage. He claims, "For
centuries much of the Christian community has interpreted the teachings of
Jesus to say: 1) Divorce is absolutely not permitted, or at best, is permitted only

49

Jay E. Adams, Marriage, Divorce and Remarriage in the Bible (Grand Rapids:
Zondervan Publishing House, 1980), 23.
Ibid, 97-98.

-39in the case of admitted or proven adultery; 2) A divorced person is not allowed to
marry again; 3) A divorced person who does marry again lives in adultery; 4) A
divorced person cannot be ordained as a deacon or a minister."51 He goes on to
say, "Every one of these beliefs could be wrong,"52 then sets out in his book to
prove his point which is that we must move from a judgmental attitude toward
divorced people to a redemptive attitude.
In some of his final chapters, Callison states, "Divorce is not the basic
problem. The problem is that marriages fail."53 It is because of hardness of heart
that they fail but we need divorce for those that do fail. He also maintains that
divorce is the legitimate way out. But he does not speak lightly of the issue of
divorce. Instead, he speaks out against the failure of the church to prepare
couples for marriage through intensive marital counseling. At one point he poses
the question, "Divorce for just any cause? No! Divorce is serious business, but it
was given by God as a humane solution to an intolerable situation, a matter of
grace."54
SUMMARY
It is easy to see in the Christian literature that there is no consensus of
thought regarding divorce and remarriage, even when using the same scriptural

s1

Walter Callison, Divorce, A Gift of God's Love (Leawood, KS, Leathers

Publishing, 2002), 9.
52

lbid, 10.

53

lbid, 99.

54

lbid, 104.

-40references. It is almost amusing to think that there are those who believe the
Bible to be clear on the subject. The purpose of this review of literature is not to
arrive at a position. Rather, it is to show the wide expanse of differing
interpretations rendered by Christian authors. Who can blame the church for
being confused? The line seems to be drawn between those who take the Bible
literally and those who are driven by compassion and grace.
There seems to be a focus upon the individual in all the Christian literature
as opposed to community. There seems to be very little devoted to the dilemma
of the breakdown of the family and how it affects society at large. There also
seems to be no real awareness that, "In the recent past, divorce was limited to
those marriages which had irreparably broken down, often because one spouse
was seriously pathological or incompetent. Today, divorce may occur simply
because one partner is unhappy or because a better partner has been located."55
Divorce is viewed lightly today, even in the church.
In all the meticulous hairsplitting of scripture, we are getting nowhere for
the dividing line seems to be the letter of the law vs. grace. And in all the
Christian literature there is little, if any, mention of no-fault divorce and how this
has contributed to the dilemma.
LITERATURE OF THE SOCIAL SCIENCES
There has been a rising consciousness among the social sciences of the
culture of divorce and how it has affected society at large through the breakdown

The Council on Families in America.

-41of the family since before the turn of the twenty-first century. In 2000, Allen M.
Parkman wrote his second book on the subject, Good Intentions Gone Awry:
No-Fault Divorce and the American Family. He discusses the ways in which
no-fault divorce replaced the traditional fault grounds of adultery, desertion, and
cruelty. He says,
More importantly than the change in the grounds was the impact
that occurred as divorces shifted from being difficult to obtain to
being commonly available to either spouse. . . . I believe that the
weaker commitment of many adults to their families can be traced
to the incentives created by unilateral, no-fault divorce. . . . I
argue that social welfare would be improved by giving couples
greater control over their marriages while making sure that
children's interests are protected. . . . By removing fault and
recognizing the preferences of the parties as preeminent to the
dictates of society, no-fault divorce caused a revolution in the
family law that had existed for most of the history of the United
States.56
Parkman urges the reform of no-fault divorce but realizes that it will continue far
into the future. He stresses that no-fault divorce provides incentives which cause
people to make decisions which are against their own best interest and the best
interest of those they love by making divorce easy and weakening the
commitment to marriage and family.
One of the most informative and insightful books showing how this highdivorce society is creating a low-commitment culture is The Divorce Culture, by
Barbara Dafoe Whitehead. She skillfully brings into focus America's out-ofcontrol divorce rate and how it is corroding our society. Her writing evolves out
of the mid-sixties when expressive divorce - divorce as an individual prerogative

Parkman, ix, x, 19.

-42and a source of personal growth and new opportunity - exploded as the

massive deregulation in the divorce laws gave way to no-fault divorce.
Whitehead says:
Divorce is now part of everyday American life. It is embedded in
our laws and institutions, our manners and mores, our movies and
televisions shows, our novels and children's storybooks, and our
closest and most important relationships. Indeed, divorce has
become so pervasive that many people naturally assume it has
seeped into the social and cultural mainstream over a long period
of time. Yet this is not the case. Divorce has become an American
way of life only as the result of recent and revolutionary change. 57
Whitehead expertly researches the diminished sense of concern in the
late 1950's that divorce would harm children, that it would damage the institution
of marriage and that it would damage the social fabric of our nation. Instead,
deemed as an old-fashioned way of thinking, Whitehead says,". . . in the last
third of the (twentieth) century, as the divorce rate rose to once unthinkable
levels, public anxiety about it all but vanished." 58 Then the persistently high
divorce rate over time did its corrosive damage. She argues that after thirty
years of high levels of divorce, there is sufficient evidence that divorce has done
immeasurable damage to the social fabric of our society. She advocates the
need to strengthen our efforts at divorce prevention and renew our commitment
to a society built upon the institution of marriage and family.
While Whitehead's primary goal was to research the trend in the making
of the divorce culture, other authors have given their time and research to the

"Whitehead, 3.
58

lbid, 7.

-43strengthening of divorce prevention, as Whitehead advocates. One such author

is Michelle Weiner-Davis, author of The Divorce Remedy. In order to
understand her writing, it is important to understand the evolution of her
philosophy of marital counseling. When she was a therapist in private practice in
her earlier career, the pessimism of the client seeking help would easily convince
her that the marriage was irreparable and that it was time for her clients to take
care of their own needs. She says that she was too easily influenced by the
hopelessness of the client. However, she did a complete turn around and now
she does whatever she can to help people find solutions to their own marital
problems. Davis has since then devoted her life to making marriages work
because she believes that divorce is not the answer and that people should stay
together and work out their problems. Davis says, "The truth is no matter how
many degrees a therapist might have, or how smart s/he might be, there is
absolutely no way for a therapist to know when a marriage has reached the dead
end."59 Reminiscing about her own parent's divorce, she says, "I can easily
understand why many people, regardless of their age when their parents
divorced, see that event as having caused 'a hole in their heart.' The terrible
thing about divorce is that it not only destroys relationships, it destroys
families."60

59

Michelle Weiner-Davis, The Divorce-Remedy (New York: Simon & Schuster,

1993), 31.
60

lbid, 14.

-44Another such book which has been widely used in marriage education
programs is Fighting for Your Marriage by Howard J. Markman, Scott M.
Stanley, Susan L, Blumberg. 61 The program is more aptly called PREP prevention and relationship enhancement program - and is geared at helping
couples enhance their relationships through education and marriage preparation.
Also included in this literary genre would be The Marriage Mender.

Couple's Guide for Staying Together by Thomas A. Whitman and Thomas G.

Bartlett62 which provides practical, solution-oriented tools for couples to make
positive changes in their marriages. Their biblically-based principles provide a
step by step game plan for strengthening relationships by focusing on the future
of relationships instead of the past.
Shedding further light on the predicament of easy, unnecessary divorce is
a longitudinal study conducted by Paul Amato and Alan Booth. In their book, A
Generation at Risk: Growing up in an Era of Family Upheaval, they say:
. . . . about one-third of divorces ended high conflict marriages,
characterized by frequent fighting, violence, or abuse. When these
marriages ended, children did better because they were freed from
a tense and dangerous family situation. However, two-thirds of
divorces ended low conflict marriages, characterized not by
violence or frequent fighting but by unhappiness and boredom on
the part of one or both spouses. When these low conflict
marriages ended, children did worse after the divorce because they
were not aware of significant problems to begin with. One day,
usually with no warning, their family simply fell apart and life

61

Howard J. Markman, Scott M. Stanley, and Susan L. Blumberg. Fighting for

your Marriage (San Francisco: Jossey-Bass, 2001).
62

Thomas A. Whiteman and Thomas Bartlett, The Marriage Mender (Colorado

Springs: Navpress, 1996).

-45changed forever after that.63

This excerpt indicates that two-thirds of marriages could be saved in that
they are not irretrievably broken down. If those who are teaching, preaching
and counseling would resolve to see this crisis from a different perspective,
perhaps marriages would be empowered to succeed. It is easy to be
overwhelmed with the impulse to give up in light of the hopelessness and
pessimism of the couple on the brink of divorce. When operating out of this
frame of reference, the church's preaching and teaching on divorce can very
easily become neutral and innocuous lending to the hopelessness that the
person in the pew is already feeling about their situation.
How can the church become an agent of empowerment? By modeling, by
preaching the Word of God (all of it) and by counsel which empowers people
with hope and the persistence to stay together and work out their problems. In
his book, . . . And Marries Another, Craig S. Keener makes the statement, "It is
convenient to ignore certain texts and to pass over the horribly tragic character of
divorce, thus blending into the false values of modern North American society."64
SUMMARY
There are numerous books written and studies which have been
conducted by the social sciences that give evidence to the fact that rampant, no-

63

Paul R. Amato and Alan Booth, A Generation at Risk: Growing up in an Era of

Family Upheaval (Cambridge: Harvard University Press, 1997), 220.
64

Craig S. Keener, . . And Marries Another (Henderson Publishers, Inc.,

Peabody, Massachusetts, 1991), 1.

fault divorce has damaged society as a whole. The institution of marriage has
undergone paramount corrosion in the last forty years not to mention the slow
and agonizing demise of the family. As more and more people become afraid to
risk an investment in the shaky venture of marriage, a larger portion of our
society is now cohabiting. "No-fault divorce has made marriage a less attractive
institution for many people, thereby contributing to numerous recent trends:
fewer people are marrying, more people are living together, and people are
waiting longer before marriage."65
LITERATURE OF THE CHURCH OF GOD OF ANDERSON, INDIANA
AND THE CORRESPONDING CULTURE
The theme of divorce and remarriage in the Church of God was the topic
of a thesis written by Donald Lee Thacker in partial fulfillment of a Bachelor of
Divinity Degree dated 1960 and presented to the Faculty of the School of
Theology of Anderson College. Interestingly, he circulated a survey much like
the one used in this doctoral project. Those statistics will be used in a
comparison study later in this dissertation.66
As his research indicates, pastors in the early Church of God movement
were as concerned about the issue of divorce and remarriage as pastors are
today. However, the difference in the landscape of culture played an enormous
factor in the positions taken by the early pioneers. There were several
pamphlets written specifically addressing this issue, numerous articles in the

65

Parkman, 117.

66

See Chapter Three.

-47Gospel Trumpet, as well as letters which were circulated among the clergy of the
early pioneer movement. As one can imagine, the position taken by the early
church movement was quite rigid, hoping to do God's perfect will and be true to
the Word of God rather than to run the risk of being too lenient.
As Thacker states, "The position held by the pioneers, at least those who
were vocal in that position, can be stated briefly: no divorce except on grounds of
adultery and no remarriage, while the former spouse lives, under any
circumstances." 67 Reference is made to a pamphlet written by Daniel Sidney
Warner in which he states, "Hence all divorcing, save for the one cause, and all
marrying of a second living companion, are inconsistent with the New
Testament, and derogatory to the grace of God. . . . Whosoever putteth away his
wife, and marrieth another, committeth adultery. Whosoever - that is a very
comprehensive word. It means any person, under any circumstances. These
scriptures do not allow of [sic] a single exception" 68 Evidently, this unbending
attitude was the stance taken by church leadership in the nineteenth century.
This rigidity can be observed in a question and answer section in the Gospel
Trumpet dated 1897. The question was posed, "'If a man gets a divorce from his
wife because of adultery, has he the right to marry another while the first lives?'

67

Donald Lee Thacker, "The Biblical & Ethical Problems of Divorce & Remarriage
(With Special Reference to the Church of God)" (Bachelor of Divinity Thesis, Anderson
University School of Theology, 1960), 91.
68

Daniel S. Warner, Marriage and Divorce (Grand Junction, Michigan: Gospel

Trumpet Publishing Company, n.d.), 8, 11.

-48The answer was simply, 'No. Read Matthew 10:3-12 [s/c].'"69

The position of the early Church of God was further complicated when, in
1901, the leadership gathered for discussion of the issue and produced an even
more rigid position than was held prior to that gathering. Thacker says that what
was born from this assembly was a small tract entitled "Must They Separate?"
and it states:
In the case of those who have entered unscriptural marriages after
they obtained light on these things, the act is adultery because of
their wilfulness, and the state is also adultery. Therefore we can
not upon Scriptural grounds advise them to remain in such an
adulterous marriage union; but, on the other hand, we must as
ministers of God require a separation in all such cases. . . .and
there is no obtaining of salvation in their case except they forsake
their sins, which will include their present marriage relation. 70
With this stance, it seems as though the church painted itself into a very rigid
and unyielding corner. It reminds one of the response of the disciples in
Matthew 19:10 regarding Jesus' teaching on divorce, "If this is the situation
between a husband and wife, it is better not to marry." Sadly enough, in
decades to come, this would be the approach people would start to take, but not
for the sake of celibacy. Cohabitation would eventually become the dominant
way in which male and female unions would be formed.

69

Gospel Trumpet, XVII, (July 1897): 2; in Thacker, 93.

70

Must They Separate? A Treatise on Marriage and Divorce, Being a letter to the
Church Universal by The Ministers Assembled in General Camp Meeting at Moundsville,
W. VA., June, 1901. (Anderson, Indiana: Gospel Trumpet Co., 1901), 13-14.

-49THE TURNING OF THE TIDE

As stated above, in the early twentieth century the pioneer leadership was
writing pamphlets, circulating letters and composing articles in the Gospel
Trumpet which at times came across as an edict from the movement leaders.
However, there was an undercurrent of dissatisfaction among those pastors out in
the field who were dealing first hand with divorce and remarriage and were
beginning to realize that at some point compassion and the love of Christ had to
be considered. The need for a better response to this issue was beginning to
brew among pastors. Thacker uncovered some early literature in which the
possibility of remarriage was approached for the very first time. In a publication
which dates back to 1916 entitled Our Ministerial Letter, Thacker states, "the
message of this article approaches the subject of marriage and divorce from an
entirely different point of view than previous publications. To the writer of the
article the purpose of marriage as a divine institution 'is the happiness and
continuity of mankind.'"71
This was a monumental assertion in the early Church of God. This
publication took the pamphlet Must They Separate to task, even going so far as to
say that its dogma was heartless. However, the general attitude among the
ministerial leadership remained constant. This publication planted a seed which
would eventually take root, but the teaching of Warner still overshadowed church
thought.

Thacker, 95.

-50THE REVOLUTION OF THE DIVORCE CULTURE

Every position the early pioneers of the Church of God took was about to
be put to the greatest test of all time. The pendulum was getting ready to swing
as far in the opposite direction as was possible. A revolution was getting ready to
take place in American culture, one that would change the church forever. The
above-mentioned thesis by Donald Thacker was written in 1960. What was
getting ready to explode in American culture would shake the very foundation of
church life in more ways than we could have imagined.
In 1960, as rigid as the church was regarding divorce, the divorce rate in
society was still at a relatively modest level of nine per one thousand married
couples. However, it was after 1960 that the rate accelerated substantially. In a
book entitled, The Divorce Culture, Barbara Dafoe Whitehead states that the
divorce rate doubled in a decade and, "continued its upward climb until the early
1980s, when it stabilized at the highest level among advanced Western societies.
As a consequence of this sharp and sustained rise, divorce moved from the
margins to the mainstream of American life in the space of three decades."72
According to Whitehead:
Among advanced Western societies, the twentieth century is the
great century of divorce. Earlier, the barriers to divorce were high
and it remained relatively rare. But during the present century,
despite sporadic efforts to maintain the restrictions upon it, the
social, economic, and legal barriers came down. . . . during the first
two-thirds of the century, the progress of divorce was uneven. The
divorce rate slowed during the Great Depression, increased sharply
after World War II, and then slowed again for the next two

Whitehead, 3.

-51decades. It was not until the last third of the century that divorce
truly gained momentum and spread rapidly throughout the Western
world.73
The most dangerous and threatening thing that happened in this period of
time was twofold. One was that divorce became a mass phenomenon and the
second and most dangerous for the church was that secular opinion replaced
religious thinking as the source of expertise.74 The church had lost its voice.
Even worse was that secular opinion had usurped that voice.
As America neared the turn of a new century, there was a shift in helpseeking behavior. In the early 1960's the church was very leery of psychology
and viewed it as a threat. "Marriage counselors, according to a national mental
health study published in 1960, were judged the least effective of all sources of
help."75 According to Whitehead, the vast majority of people who sought
professional help went to their clergy. With the onset of the psychological
revolution, however, Americans began to see marriage and family relationships
as part of the domain of mental health. Whitehead reports that:
Even pastoral marriage counseling began to acquire a more
psychotherapeutic orientation. . . . Mainline religious denominations
led the precession into psychotherapy. Pastoral counseling began
to take a client-centered approach that required clergy to stay
within the client's 'value system.' Pastors (and congregations)
retreated from theological challenge to an individual's values. . . .
Perhaps more surprisingly, psychology made inroads into the
73

lbid, 18.

74

lbid.

75

J. Richard Udry, The Social Context of Marriage (Philadelphia: J.B. Lippincott,

1966), 547; in Barbara Dafoe Whitehead, The Divorce Culture (New York, Random
House, 1996), 48.

-52evangelical denominations.76
With this slow and subtle shift in help-seeking behavior, traditional experts
in these matters (such as doctors and clergy), handed over the authority to those
trained in psychotherapy. With this transition into the psychotherapeutic domain,
it was now the therapists who became the teachers and norm-setters in marriage
and then, later, in the dissolution of it.77 The church fell to the background.
Then a rather interesting turn of events took place. Exploitation of the
masses, whose marriages were in trouble, began to grow as therapists took
advantage of a rather lucrative market of self-help literature. Now society began
to talk and think in a language influenced by pop psychology with its major theme
of self and personal happiness. Divorce as an inherent right began to dominate
American thought.
NO-FAULT DIVORCE
One cannot fully realize the effects of this era on the church unless the
phenomenon of no-fault divorce is understood. Prior to no-fault divorce, the laws
governing marriage were based upon Judeo-Christian belief that marriage was
for life. Therefore, justification for divorce was not determined by one's own
desire but by proving the other spouse was at "fault" for one of the many grounds
for divorce. The primary grounds for divorce were cruelty, desertion, and

7S

Whitehead, 48.

77

Joseph Veroff, Richard A. Kulka, and Elizabeth Douvan, Mental Health in

America: Patterns of Help-seeking from 1957 to 1976 (New York: Basic Books, 1981), 8;
in Whitehead, 49.

-53adultery.78 This was a deterrent to easy divorce.

The transition to a system of no-fault was a way of deregulating the
divorce process, making it easier for individuals to seek divorce without outside
interference. After all, divorce was now becoming America's entitlement. Before
1969 formidable barriers had been erected to prevent the dissolution of
marriage. However, in 1969, California was the first state to enact a statute for
no-fault divorce. Eventually, every state enacted this no-fault divorce law and in
a University of Oklahoma study it was found that the divorce rates in forty-five of
fifty states jumped in the few years following the institution of no-fault divorce.79
It is the perception of entitlement that started to infiltrate the church.
Deregulating the divorce process was the result of the self-indulgent 1960s. It
was probable that the divorce rates were going to rise during this decade but the
changes in the divorce laws made it inevitable. Now one partner in a marriage
had the unilateral power to dissolve a marriage for no better reason than "just
because." It mattered not that there were children involved or that this unilateral
decision would disrupt all familial relationships at the expressed will of one
partner. It was now as easy to divorce as declaring that the marriage was over.
There were no longer legal sanctions inhibiting divorce and soon the social
sanctions would be lifted. What would eventually follow would be the

78

J. Kerby Anderson, Moral Dilemmas, Biblical Perspectives on Contemporary

Ethical Issues (Nashville: Word Publishing, 1998), 135.
79

John Leland, "Tightening the Knot" Newsweek, 19 February 1996, 73: in

Anderson, 135.

-54expectation that the church would ease its religious sanctions also.
THE CHURCH STRUGGLES TO KEEP UP
It was in the last third of the twentieth century that, like it or not, the church
was facing its most monumental challenge in dealing with divorce and
remarriage. The dam had been breached, the floodgates were open, divorce
could be obtained for any reason, the church had lost its voice and pop
psychology was the new gospel. What a recipe for failure. It is uncertain,
however, whether or not the church saw this as a recipe for failure, for the church
eventually entered into the psychology movement with piqued interest. Now the
voice of the church was one of healing, restoration, and acceptance of the
divorced. Grief education and divorce recovery was the theme in ministering to
the growing segment of divorced people sitting in the pew. These new ministries
were much needed but it became increasingly difficult to teach against divorce
for fear of wounding those already injured by divorce. The voice of the church on
this subject became more and more indiscernible as these questions of
conscience were increasingly being left up to individual pastors and ultimately
parishioners.
VITAL CHRISTIANITY
It was in the June 8, 1980 issue of Vital Christianity that the entire
contents were dedicated to marriage. It is entitled "The Two Shall become one
Flesh" and there are numerous articles on the subject of divorce and remarriage.
It is an interesting measuring instrument in determining where the church stood
at that time. As it turns out, this was a timely edition for the Church of God to

-55make the following affirmation:

WE AFFIRM that marriage is God's original design for the
fulfillment of man and woman and for the continuation and
perpetuation of human society, and
We affirm marriage as a divinely ordained institution of God, for the
purpose of uniting male and female in spiritual, social, sexual,
legal, material, and emotional bonds of relationships, and
W e affirm that the scriptural basis for marriage was intended as a
lifetime commitment of mutual growth, sharing, openness,
communication, and fidelity between a man and a woman who
have pledged themselves in faithfulness to one another, and to
God, and
We affirm that Christian marriage is rooted in a loving and
redemptive relationship based upon mutual trust, kindness, and
understanding, as well as mutual submission to one another in the
spirit of responsible love, and
We affirm that marriage is grounded in the Judeo-Christian
concept, and as such has deep social, theological, and biblical
significance for the spiritual welfare of individuals and all society,
and
We affirm and encourage pastors of the Church of God, as a
preventive measure to divorce, to establish and promote programs
in premarital and postmarital counseling in addition to marriage and
family enrichment workshops/conferences. 80
This edition of Vital Christianity was rich with commentary from church
leaders on the condition of marriage and divorce at that time. In an article
entitled, "A Marriage Review," by Cheryl Johnson Barton, she makes note of the
statistics of late 1970's. She says, "In 1977 some 2,176,000 marriages were

80

Alvin Lewis, ed., Adapted from "Consultation on Marriage, Divorce and

Remarriage," Christian Leadership, Board of Christian Education of the Church of God
and the National Association of the Church of God, West Middlesex, PA.; in Vital
Christianity 100, 8 June 1980, 4.

-56performed in the United States. During that same time period 1,090,000
divorces were granted, an increase of 7,000 divorces over 1976. Even more
alarming is the fact that the number of divorces in the United States has
increased every year since 1962 and more than doubled in the decade from
1966 (499,000 divorces) to 1976 (1,082,000 divorces)."81 What Barton does not
mention is that the culprit during that ten-year period is no-fault divorce.

BARRY L. CALLEN
DEAN OF THE SCHOOL OF THEOLOGY
Among those leaders of the late twentieth century, Barry Callen's
leadership was highly respected in the Church of God movement. In the abovementioned edition of Vital Christianity he approached the subject with apparent
boldness. He starts the article with the following words:
It's now happening so often that no one can ignore it. Divorce and
remarriage are regular occurrences in today's world. And for those
in the church who take the Bible seriously it often presents a critical
dilemma. There seems to be a gulf between what Christians
believe in principle and what, increasingly, they practice. The
biblical ideal of marriage appears clear enough, but the realities
faced in attempting its application are sometimes confusing,
frustrating, and even tragic.82
As he so pointedly puts it, divorce had exploded and the church was at a loss as
to how to keep up with it and remain true to biblical principles. He points out that
the practical realities of divorce seem to be on a different plane than biblical

Cheryl Johnson Barton, "A Marriage Review," Vital Christianity 100, 8 June
1980,2.
82

Barry L. Callen, "The Dilemma of Divorce," Vital Christianity 100, 8 June 1980,

12.

-57precepts.
He goes on to talk about situational ethics as the accepted ruling of that
era and how many Christians saw the laws and rules of the Bible as legitimate,
but not as an absolute. He further explains that situational ethics were giving
way to Christians rationalizing and justifying their positions, going so far as to
say, "was marriage made for humanity, or humanity made for marriage?"
obviously taking the words of Christ regarding the Sabbath in Mark 2:27 and
revising them to make it all fit into one's own ethical frame of reference. He goes
on to press for the need to restate clearly the biblical guidelines on divorce and
remarriage.
Callen raised the question of what the church should do with those who
were divorced. Many church people felt that putting a divorced person in a
position of leadership or for that matter even accepting them into the church was
sending the wrong message and setting a bad example for the upcoming
generation. However, he noted that with the rise of divorced people in the pews,
church members were inclined to take a restorative, redemptive position.
Callen took one very substantial departure from the traditional early
pioneer position which was, "A divorce, once finalized, genuinely separates a
husband and wife. Such a termination of marriage involves sin and is tragic, but
it is nonetheless a real termination."83 This is in direct opposition to early
Church of God teaching which states that, according to Romans 7:2,3 and I

Ibid, 14.

-58Corinthians 7:39, the marriage law binds as long as both live.84 Callen states:
Marriages are intended to be permanent; nonetheless, divorce is
common, even among Christians. One guideline is helpful in the
face of this unwelcome fact. Divorce, once it has occurred, is to be
seen as the complete termination of the marriage relationship. The
guilty partner in a divorce caused by adultery, for instance, has
already broken the marriage by the adulterous activity. The
marriage has been dissolved - which is why the 'innocent party' is
said to be free to remarry. In fact, since the marriage is dissolved,
even the guilty party who remarries is not living in adultery. . . .
once the divorce is an accomplished fact, the church is not justified
in viewing remarried persons as participants in a life of 'legalized
adultery.'85
Daniel Sidney Warner would have taken exception to this assertion by Callen.
Callen's statements about divorce being the termination of the marriage
relationship appeared to include all divorce for any reason. If his argument had
been confined to those cases of adultery, it would be more understandable.
However, according to the teachings of Jesus anyone who divorces his wife,
except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another commits adultery. There
seems to be no resolution of this teaching in Callen's writing.
Another position which Callen takes which would have departed from
early pioneer position was regarding service in the church for remarried persons.
The pamphlet Must They Separate? asserts that divorced persons who have
remarried are not recognized as officers in the church of God, because they are
in effect bigamists, having multiple spouses through divorce and remarriage.
Callen disputes this. His basic premise being that God's primary concern in

'Warner, 12.
;

Callen, 14.

-59setting standards for church leaders is that they be good examples to the flock
and worthy representatives of the church to the world, the emphasis being on a
person's character not on a person's history.
Callen is in no way taking divorce and remarriage lightly. He maintains
that the church should strive to maintain a high biblical view of marriage. He also
maintains that the New Testament does not give an exhaustive treatment of
these issues and that the Holy Spirit is our guide for these questions of
conscience. In essence, the church must be careful not to make a rigid code
from the New Testament references as it had done in earlier years.
Callen makes a good case for the healing and restoration of divorced
people, and certainly does deviate from the rigidity of the early pioneers.
However, though the position of the early Church of God was rigid, is it possible
that church people might have taken Callen's statements about divorce being the
termination of the marriage relationship as permission to terminate marriages
with less regard?
This article was written by Barry Callen in 1980, some ten years into the
divorce revolution. One might wonder if it subtly enabled divorce among
Christians who were struggling with this issue. After all, what was going on in the
culture at that time was the shift from religious thinking to secular opinion. As
stated above, with the subtle shift in help-seeking behavior, the church was
slowly handing over the authority to those trained in psychotherapy. Had the
voice of the church on these issues faded into the background? Were church
people even listening anymore? Were these questions of conscience being

-60challenged and kept in biblical perspective? In just another decade or two we

would be hearing from the Barna Group that divorce among Christians was equal
to that outside the church. So much for rigidity.
WILLIAM WHITE
An author who wrote consistently about divorce in Vital Christianity was
William White. A divorced person himself, he took a major burden upon himself
to educate, encourage and provide healing and hope to those who had gone
through divorce. White was a feature writer for Vital Christianity and served as
resource leader for divorce and singles workshops. One can get the gist of his
writing from his titles alone, "The 'Others' of Divorce: No one gets divorced
alone,"" Rejection: A Time of Learning,"" Grandparents and Divorce," "Single
Parent Frustration,"" Remarriage: Realism about Stepfamilies, etc." The abovementioned articles by William White were written in the 1980s, when America
and the church were in the throes of the divorce revolution. He was more than
likely the most prominent and certainly the most consistent voice during that time
in that he spoke primarily to single and divorced people in the church.

JAMES EARL MASSEY

DEAN OF THE SCHOOL OF THEOLOGY
SPEAKER - CHRISTIAN BROTHERHOOD HOUR
In an article entitled "Divorced but not Destroyed" Dr. James Earl Massey
approaches the issue of divorce from one of healing and restoration. He also
addresses the subject of remarriage and touches upon remarriage to one's
former spouse saying that although there are problems involved when this

-61happens, he has seen it done with marked success.

Although Massey writes that God instituted marriage with the intention of
lifelong commitment, he also says, "divorce is rightly understood as a concession
in the interest of expediency and peace. Some divorced people will want to
remarry, choosing someone other than the previous mate. This is not best
discussed as a matter of one's right to do so. It is best discussed as a matter of
conscience and circumstance and relates solely to the grace of God."86 He is
careful not to issue any real guidelines regarding remarriage except that one
approach the matter with fear and trembling as he or she seeks counsel of God
himself. He leaves this question of conscience up to the individual.
AN OVERVIEW
In hindsight, one can see not so much a subtle shift, but a radical shift in
theological thinking about divorce and remarriage in the Church of God. As the
twentieth century unfolded, the shift may have seemed subtle, but there was
nothing subtle about it. From the first decade to the last decade of that century
the pendulum went from one extreme to the other. The early pioneers exercised
their authority from the Word of God. They resolved that the issue of divorce
and remarriage was a black and white matter which the Bible directly and
adequately addressed. The locus of authority was centered in the Bible.
Even though in the decades leading up to the divorce revolution there was
major concern about the divorce rate, divorce was still relatively rare. But with

86

James Earl Massey, "Divorced but not Destroyed," Vital Christianity 99, 1979,

14-16.

-62the onslaught of the psychology revolution (1957-1976)87 the locus of authority

shifted dramatically. As pastors and counselors became increasingly client
centered, divorce became more about the individual's needs and less about
God's will or creative design. Even though Church of God writing in the latter
twentieth century upholds and affirms marriage as God's ideal, it seems as
though divorce had become a question of conscience that was left up to the
individual. It seems that little was said or done to curtail the rampant increase of
divorce in the church.
If the church continues to be client centered, that is taking a non-directive
role, thus focusing its message and ministry to the needs and desires of the
people in the pew, then it surrenders the locus of authority into the hands of the
people and the church becomes worse than a democracy; it will eventually
become moral anarchy. This is much of the problem already, in that there is
considered to be no absolute authority in this postmodern society. What will the
future ramifications be if the church surrenders biblical authority in order to
appease the person in the pew? If the church does not regain her voice, could
she perhaps lose it? Will God find a way to deal with this problem even if he has
to go through secular organizations in order to be heard?

Whitehead, 46.

CHAPTER THREE
THE MINISTRY PROJECT:
DIVORCE IN THE PRESENT DAY CHURCH OF GOD
PARTI
THE SURVEY AND ITS IMPLICATIONS
We possess a rather rare and unique opportunity of which the author was
not aware at the beginning of this dissertation project. As mentioned previously
a thesis was written in 1960 on precisely this same subject by Donald Lee
Thacker for the faculty of the School of Theology of Anderson College. After
almost 50 years it is astonishing to see the changes which have taken place
regarding divorce and remarriage in this society and in today's church. Some
things remain the same such as a concern about the disturbing rise in the
divorce rate, but many things have changed to a large degree and this will
become evident as the two surveys are compared and contrasted.
In his introduction, Thacker writes, "The purpose of this paper is to answer
the question, 'What should be the attitude of the Church regarding divorce and
remarriage?' As will be seen later, many answers are given to this question by
the many churches. Some of these answers directly oppose one another.
Confusion is the result. What is one to believe and teach in this regard?"88 In
response to this we should ask, "If the church was confused about what to teach
50 years ago, how much more confused is she today in the aftermath of the

'Thacker, 1.
-63-

-64divorce revolution?" Thacker wrote his thesis less than a decade before no-fault
divorce divided this nation and infiltrated the church.
In an effort to take the pulse of the church in 1959, Thacker sent out a
survey among a sampling of the ministry of the Church of God much like the
survey sent out for this project. His method of survey was a questionnaire
comprising twenty-one questions which was sent to every sixth ordained pastor
or evangelist listed in the Church of God Yearbook. The total number of
questionnaires he sent out was 492 and he received 170 responses which
brought just less than a 35% response rate.
In comparison, this dissertation project also conducted a survey in 2006
which involved sending a questionnaire to pastors. Church Service was
petitioned for permission to obtain a comprehensive list of the e-mail addresses
for pastors and associate pastors sorted by state in order to conduct a stratified
random sample survey. They uploaded and sent in excess of 3,000 e-mail
addresses. After downloading them, five to seven random addresses were
chosen from each state so that all the states were equally represented. This
electronic survey was sent to 332 random persons who had positions of pastoral
leadership in churches of God in the continental United States and 97 surveys
were returned which brought a 29% response rate. Both of these surveys are
listed for review in Table 1 and 2.

-65TABLE 1.
1959 S U R V E Y
By

DONALD THACKER
Anderson College
Anderson, Indiana
September 15, 1959
Dear Pastor,
It is probable that we have never met, yet the purpose of this letter is to
ask a very important favor of you. I am a senior in the School of Theology at
Anderson and am writing my thesis on a topic which is increasing in interest and
importance for all pastors, namely, - divorce and remarriage. The favor I ask of
you, which is very important in my research on this subject, is the completion of
the following questionnaire. Without this help my research will be greatly
hindered.
All replies will be kept strictly confidential. You need not sign your name.
However, if you would like to know the results of this survey keep my address
and drop me a card giving your address about the end of November. This
survey is restricted to Church of God pastors.
In completing the questionnaire select the answers which most nearly
represent your opinion or belief. If you would like to comment on any of the
questions or answers please do so at the end or on the back of the
questionnaire.
Thank you very much for your time and interest.
Donald L. Thacker
1.
2.
3.
4.

5.
6.
7.
8.
9.

Is divorce sin? Yes

No
Is remarriage sin? Yes
No
Do you believe the Bible to be a complete guide in this area? Yes
No
Did Jesus and Paul agree on this subject? Yes
No
Which practice do you believe to be most consistent with the Christian
faith?
No divorce or remarriage at all.
Divorce in some cases but no remarriage.
Both divorce and remarriage in some cases.
Do you believe that a marriage is ever dissolved in the eyes of God except
by death? Yes
No
Do you believe that some "first marriages" may not be marriages in the
eyes of God? Yes
No
Do you feel that there is ever a valid reason for a Christian couple
divorcing? Yes
No
Do you feel that truly Christian people can always find reconciliation or an
answer to their marital problems in other ways than in divorce? Yes No_
Do you believe that a truly Christian man or woman who is the "innocent
party" in a divorce and who did not want the divorce could ever remarry

-6610.
11.
12.
13.

14.
15.

16.

17.
18.
19.

20.
21.
22.

23.

and still be a Christian? Yes

No
Do you insist that those you join in marriage be Christian or morally
upright? Yes
No
Do you insist upon counseling sessions, one or more, with those you join
in marriage? Yes
No
What books would you recommend?
Do you feel that a couple should ever divorce because there exists in that
home an atmosphere unhealthy for the rearing of children? Yes
No
Do you believe that remarriage should ever be sought for the benefit of
the children by a divorced person who was awarded the custody of the
children? (That is, remarriage to someone other than the previous mate.)
Yes
No
Would you like the Church of God to commit itself on divorce and
remarriage? Yes
No
What percentage of our ministers in the Church of God do you estimate
refuse to remarry divorced persons? Less than 25%
: 25-40%
: 6075%
: over 75%
. What percentage hold the same position you do?
Less than 25%
: 25-40%
: 40-60%; 60-75%
.
Have you performed marriages for divorced persons? Yes
No
Would you ever consider performing a wedding ceremony for divorced
persons?
(That is, to someone other than a former mate) Yes
No
Do you feel that the minister and laymen generally hold different positions
on the divorce and remarriage question? Yes
No
Are you satisfied with your position on divorce and remarriage? Yes_No_
Are you "settled" on your position? Yes
No
Do you think the Church of God is changing its position on divorce and
remarriage? Yes
No
Are there trends in the Church of God which disturb you? Yes
No
Are there trends in the Church of God which please you? Yes
No
What reforms in our civil laws permitting divorce would you like to see
take place?
Do you think that this is an area wherein the church should have the final
word rather than the state government? Yes
No
How many years have you pastored?
What is your age?
About
how many marriages have you performed?
About how many marriages have you performed for divorced persons?
How many of these to their own former mate?
State any of your own reactions which you may not have been able to give
as answers to any of the above questions.89

'Thacker, 114-116.

-67TABLE 2.
2006 SURVEY
By
JANET MURPHY
Dear Pastor,
My name is Janet Murphy and I am a clinical pastoral counselor serving at
WellSpring Counseling Center in Akron, Ohio. I am ordained in the Church of
God and have also served as a pastor. This questionnaire is a data gathering
instrument which will be utilized in a Doctor of Ministry project for Anderson
University School of Theology. This research has been approved by the Doctor
of Ministry Studies Committee (Dr. Gilbert Stafford, qwstafford(g>anderson.edu,
chair). The results will be used to assess and assist pastors in dealing with the
issue of divorce in the local congregation.
I would appreciate a few minutes of your time to fill out the survey regarding
divorce in the church. Your input is valuable. Please respond by copying the
survey onto the reply screen and inserting your answers in the blanks. ALL
responses will be kept anonymous.
QUESTIONNAIRE FOR PASTORS OF THE CHURCH OF GOD
DEMOGRAPHIC INFORMATION
1) Current ministry classification: senior pastor
, associate pastor
,
other
, (specify
).
2) Race: African-American
, Asian
, Caucasian
, Hispanic
,
Native American
, other
(specify
).
3) Age: 20-30
, 31-40
, 41-50
, 51-60
, 60+
.
4) Marital status: married
, divorced
, widowed
, single
,
divorced and remarried
.
5) Highest educational attainment (check one): High school
, some college
College

, Masters

, Doctorate

SURVEY
Please answer

Y - Yes

N - No

U - Unsure

S - Sometimes

If you check UNSURE or SOMETIMES please clarify your response in the space
immediately next to the question. By making these comments you are also
giving your permission for them to be used anonymously in this dissertation
project and in any writing that might arise from it.

-68-

1)
2)
3)
4)
5)
6)
7)
8)
9)
10)
11)
12)
13)
14)

Do you think divorce is a serious issue in the church at large?

Do you perceive that divorce is common and/or widespread in your
congregation?
Do you think divorce is too easily acquired by Christians?
Do you detect a lax attitude toward divorce by Christians?
Do you think that those who are divorced or have a divorce in their past
are eligible for pastoral leadership?
Do you preach and/or teach against divorce on a regular basis (once or
twice per year)?
Do you have any policies or procedures in place for church leaders who
divorce?
Do you require marriage counseling before you marry a couple?
Have you been taught and/or mentored that marrying couples is a
responsibility to be taken very seriously?
Do you think it is a sin to remarry after a divorce?
When counseling those on the brink of divorce, do you feel that you can
influence their decision NOT to divorce?
Do you believe that children suffer permanent damage from divorce?
Do you personally know of a Christian marriage that has ended in divorce
because of an affair?
Do you think divorce is worse due to the post modern culture in which we
live?

What are your thoughts on divorce in the church?

What do you think the church's role should be in fighting the battle against
divorce?

Comments:

As Thacker notes, it is interesting to compare where the primary concern

exists down through the years from the pioneer movement until his thesis in

1960. The emphasis for the early Church of God pioneers was the consensus of
opinion that there was to be no remarriage while the former spouse lived even if
the divorce was for adultery. In a later survey by F.G. Smith, it showed only 20%

-69of the pastors held this view. Then in Thacker's survey taken in 1959, it showed
15% indicated this stand.90 In the most recent survey conducted for this
dissertation project in 2006, the question was asked, "Do you think it is a sin to
remarry after a divorce?" The results indicated that 5% held the view that it was
a sin to remarry after divorce.
Regarding the same question, "Do you think it is a sin to remarry after a
divorce?", more than 52% responded with "unsure" or "sometimes" indicating an
overwhelming diversity of opinion and lack of unanimity, while 42% answered
"no." The large percentage of "unsure" and "sometime" answers may be
indicative of the situational ethics of this postmodern age. Now the general
consensus among pastors seems to be that remarriage after divorce is a
perfectly acceptable option with some exceptions.
Another question which was common to both surveys had to do with
premarital counseling. Thacker asks, "Do you insist upon counseling sessions,
one or more, with those you join in marriage?"

In 1959, 64% of the pastors

taking Thacker's survey answered "yes." Murphy asks, "Do you require marriage
counseling before you marry a couple?" In 2006, 85% of pastors taking
Murphy's survey answered "yes" to premarital counseling as a requirement. This
trend may suggest that pastors are handling the heightened incident of divorce
with more vigilance than in prior years. It might also mean that pastors in 2006
are responsibly addressing the problem in the only way they know how. Pastors

Ibid, 105.

-70were also asked if they had been taught and/or mentored that marrying couples
is a responsibility to be taken very seriously, to which 92% answered "yes."
The last question which was somewhat common to both surveys was
about children. Thacker's inquiry regarding children was twofold. He asked, "Do
you feel that a couple should ever divorce because there exists in that home an
atmosphere unhealthy for the rearing of children?" He also asks, "Do you
believe that remarriage should ever be sought for the benefit of the children by a
divorced person who was awarded the custody of the children?" Unfortunately,
Thacker did not publish his findings on those two questions. Murphy asked, "Do
you believe that children suffer permanent damage from divorce?" The results
indicated that 82% of pastors answered "yes." This monumental concern will be
addressed later in this chapter.
One very interesting question Thacker asks is, "What reforms in our civil
laws permitting divorce would you like to see take place?" What is interesting in
hindsight is that just a few short years after Thacker asked this question, divorce
laws went through the most massive deregulation ever. There was a massive
breakdown in legislation which is still threatening the institution of marriage and
family in 2008. He goes on to ask, "Do you think that this is an area wherein the
church should have the final word rather than the state government?" One could
be unsure as to what he is asking. Does he mean Christians should have to
report to and ask the church for permission to divorce? Or could he mean that
the church should be the final authority in the same way that the Catholic Church
is? It is somewhat unclear what the phrase "the final word" pertains to.

-71The point at which there is almost no comparison in these two surveys is

that the ministers in the 2006 survey are looking at this issue from a completely
different perspective than those in 1959. Today divorce is so commonplace that
the church may very well have become desensitized to the overwhelming
number of divorces among her ranks. As in 1959, when confusion surrounded
how to handle divorce, so today confusion also seems to be the rule rather than
the exception.
From this point on the surveys differ in their emphases. Thacker's
emphasis seemed to center around the sinfulness of divorce and remarriage
asking pastors for their biblically educated input on the theological implications
surrounding the issue. Murphy's survey had more to do with the lax attitude
toward divorce by Christians. The results of the 2006 Murphy survey may be
seen at the end of this chapter.
To summarize Murphy's survey, 9 1 % of those pastors surveyed indicated
that they thought divorce is a serious issue in the church at large. The results
also indicate that 76% of those surveyed think divorce is too easily acquired by
Christians. Pastors were split almost down the middle on whether divorced
persons should be eligible for pastoral leadership. The results indicated that
49% said "yes" while 15% said "no or unsure" and 35% said "sometime."
It is unfortunate to say that much has changed in the last 50 years since
Thacker's research, for the worse. Has the pendulum reached its antithesis yet
or is it going to become even worse before it starts to correct itself? Looking at
the overwhelming masses of divorced people and their offspring who may

-72perpetuate the issue, what can we expect in the way of a correction? Thacker
talked in 1959 about reforms in civil law. For many years after Thacker's
research there were many reforms, but not of the corrective nature for which
Thacker may have been hoping. It was not until the end of the twentieth century
that divorce reform became a major topic of legislative interest. Are we too late?
Can divorce reform raise consciousness when the breakdown is so deeply
rooted in the American way of life? In light of the negative impact which divorce
has had on the institution of marriage and family, can civil law turn it around?
Can the church turn it around? Can it be turned around?

-73RESULTS OF THE 2006 SURVEY OF PASTORS OF THE CHURCH OF GOD

Demographics

Ministry Classification
66%

\^
12%

22%

Senior Pastor
Associate Pastor
Other

Race
81%
1%
1%

2%
15%

Caucasian
African-American
Asian
Native American
Other

-74-

Age

20-30

51-60
60+

31-40
41-50

Marital Status
80%

v J

^
--

,, ~-~ligt B

- ^

1%

I **> i

Married
Divorced
Widowed
Single
Divorced & Remarried

-75-

EdiicatiiDn
.

42%

16%

/
-

"' 3%
i'

jA^t^

'

mt ' 9%

J30%

High School
College
Doctorate

Some College
Masters

-76SURVEY QUESTIONS
1) Do you think divorce is a serious issue in the church at large?

Question #1

91%
2%

6%

Yes
Sometimes

No
Unsure

2) Do you perceive that divorce is common and/or widespread in your

congregation?

Question #2
39%

9%

52%

mm^t

Yes
Sometimes

No
Unsure

3) Do you think divorce is too easily acquired by Christians?

Question #3
76%

9%

Yes
Sometimes

No
Unsure

4) Do you detect a lax attitude toward divorce by Christians?

Question #4

Yes
Sometimes

No
Unsure

-78-

5) Do you think that those who are divorced or have a divorce in their past
are eligible for pastoral leadership?

Question # 5
49%

Li%]

9%

Yes
Sometimes

No
Unsure

6) Do you preach and/or teach against divorce on a regular basis (once or

twice per year)?

Question #6
38%

} L1%!

Yes
Sometimes

No
Unsure

-797) Do you have any policies or procedures in place for church leaders who
divorce?

Question #7

Yes
Sometimes

No
Unsure

8) Do you require marriage counseling before you marry a couple?

Question #8
85%

M%
9%

Yes
Sometimes

j J
IH

No
Unsure

9) Have you been taught and/or mentored that marrying cou

responsibility to be taken very seriously?

Question #9
92% | j

~^--~'

Yes
Sometimes

i
H

i [i%j

No
Unsure

10) Do you think it is a sin to remarry after a divorce?

Question #10
42%

6%

| 46% I

Yes
Sometimes

! ]
iSi

No
Unsure

-8111) When counseling a couple on the brink of divorce, do you feel that you
can influence their decision NOT to divorce?

Question #11
[40%]

s
42%

Yes

No

Sometimes

Unsure

12) Do you believe that children suffer permanent damage from divorce?

Question #12

Yes
Sometimes

No
Unsure

-8213) Do you personally know of a Christian marriage that has ended in

divorce because of an affair?

Question #13
82%

/""

"\

'^"

j@

X
_ _ _ v j

!_!

es
Sometimes

n
m

fS0^ [_16%]

No
Unsure

14) Do you think divorce is worse due to the post modern culture in which
we live?

Question #14
75%

7%]
3%]

Yes

No

Sometimes

Unsure

-83PART II
THE EFFECTS OF DIVORCE ON CHILDREN

The survey results indicated that the highest concern of pastors is that
children suffer permanent damage from divorce. There was an 83%
acknowledgment that children do suffer permanently from the effects of divorce.
The other 17% were unsure. There is no longer any reason to be unsure of the
effects of divorce upon children.
In the late 1960's just as the divorce revolution was taking off, divorce
involving children was viewed more permissively. After all, no one knew how this
rapid and widespread increase of divorces would affect children. Because of this
poverty of empirical knowledge, the effect of divorce upon children was little
more than speculation. This gave birth to notions that children actually
benefitted from divorce, that they would have better relationships with
nonresidential fathers, that there would be economic advancement for women
and children, and in general, that divorce was a fabulous opportunity for
individual growth potential. The belief that children were resilient and would
bounce back from the short-term difficulties of divorce was prevalent. In fact, it
was believed that parents' first responsibility was to themselves; if they sought
their own satisfactions, then their children's happiness would follow. This form of
reasoning was described as "psychological trickledown."91

Whitehead, 86-89.

-84This form of speculative thought prevailed until enough time had passed
that longitudinal studies could be conducted. After the mid-1980's a body of
empirical evidence, gathered from well-designed, large-scale, and long-term
studies had emerged. Unlike the speculative presuppositions of the prior
decade,". . . these studies gathered information through face-to-face or
telephone interviews with children themselves and also used objective measures
of behavior, such as school attendance, educational attainment, work-force
attachment, and adolescent childbearing as a basis of comparing the well-being
of children in intact and disrupted families."92 Among the most notable works are
those of Judith S. Wallerstein who wrote, Second Chances: Men, Women, and
Children a Decade After Divorce, and Surviving the Break-up: How children
and Parents Cope with Divorce and authored several articles in the Journal of
the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry.
Waging the war for divorce had been focused upon the needs and the
rights of adults for so long that the consequences of divorce upon the moral and
spiritual lives of children have been completely missed. In a project for the
Institute for American Values, Elizabeth Marquardt writes, "Despite the
predominance of divorce in family life today, no one has asked significant
questions about the moral and spiritual experience of children of divorce,
especially as it develops over a lifetime."93 She contends that no one is asking

92

lbid. 91.

93

Elizabeth Marquardt, The Moral and Spiritual Lives of Children of Divorce: A

Research, Publication, and Outreach Project to the Churches. (A project for the

-85the right questions or studying the long term effects upon children. She states
the following:
These are some of the questions I believe ought to be asked: If we
accept that the family is the first and primary setting in which our
values and identities are formed, what sort of challenges does a
split, sometimes polarized, and often ever-changing family
experience present for a young person growing up? If the family is
the first and most profound experience that we have of the world,
and if that experience was often subject to unpredictability, what
kind of understanding of family and of the world do these young
people have when they set out on their own? . . . Just as
importantly, if religious traditions often tell children that God is
like a parent, how do children of divorce understand God's
presence when they routinely experience the absence of one
of their parents, when to be with one parent always means not
being with the other?94 (Emphasis mine)
How divorce affects the lives of children has far reaching ramifications
which disrupt their development into adult years. Some of the major causes
regarding the difficulties children of divorce face are: 1) Parental loss, 2)
Economic loss, 3) More life stress, 4) Poor parental adjustment, 5) Lack of
parental competence, 6) Exposure to interparental conflict. It is noted that when
divorce results in the loss of a parent, with this loss children also lose a role
model (male or female or marital role model), and the knowledge, skills and
resources (emotional, financial, etc.) of that parent. They also incur the added
stress of changing schools, residences, and friends along with major
adjustments to changes in relationships with friends and extended family

Institute for American Values, New York, NY, 2001).

94

Marquartdt. The Moral Experience of Children of Divorce and the Best Interest
of Children. (A project for the Institute for American Values, New York, NY, 2001).

-86members.95
In addition, divorce affects boys differently than girls. Through the
disruption of the family by divorce, the children are affected in several aspects of
their lives. Boys and girls going through divorce experience several different
behavioral changes which can be summarized by the following:
BOYS
1. Develop behavioral problems in school during the initial stages
and through the first two years after the divorce,
2. Decline in academic performance,
3. Become more susceptible to involvement with drugs, alcohol
and gangs,
4. Increase in risk of aggressive behavior,
5. Accumulate a higher percentage of drop out rates than
adolescents not involved in divorce issues.
GIRLS
1. Show increased signs of depression over the divorce and
changes taking place in their lives.
2. Decline in academic performance,
3. Accumulate a higher percentage of drop out rates compared to
those in an intact family setting,
4. Run with an older crowd and enter sexual activity earlier than
those in an intact family.96
It may be necessary to keep in mind that these are not only children of
non-believers, but 50 percent or more represent children of divorcing believers.
If divorce inside the church is equal to divorce outside the church, all statistical or

95

Robert Hughes, Jr., "The Effects of Divorce on Children" (Session #2,

Department of Family Relations and Human Development, The Ohio State University,
1996).
96

Linda Franke, Growing Up Divorced (Simon and Schuster Press, New York,
1983), 150-182.

-87demographic information could relate equally to children in the Body of Christ.

Additionally, all emotional, economic, moral and spiritual information in each of
these studies cited could relate to children of divorce in the church as well. They
are not exempted because they are in the church. They are just as devastated
by divorce, go through as many life crises, have just as many disrupted
developmental stages that affect them into adult years, and are just as at risk for
divorce in their own marriages as are children of divorce outside the church.
The following was written by a teenager who happens to be a pastor's
child. This is used with permission:
I feel so lost. I feel like I am all alone when I know I am not. I
almost FEAR to go home because I am afraid of what comes next,
screaming, yelling, cursing? I just want to go over to one of my
best friend's house and get away from it all to actually feel safe and
to know that someone actually cares. I know they do, it just doesn't
feel like it most of the time . . . People don't see that they are not
the only ones suffering everyday. Having to create a happiness
inside you that is not real, to act ok when I really am not. So many
things are happening all at once and I can't do it on my own . . .
Every morning I wake up to find yet another day full of what
happened yesterday . . . No one can understand but me what I'm
going through. I used to have a good life, mother home, father at
work at the church working up a sermon for next week and then
afterwards we would always go out to eat with everyone. Now that
is a faint memory in the back of my mind with everything else I
once knew. I know things happen that I can't control but I really
wish I could, I think everyone does too. So long and here comes
yet another day of what happened b4.
As one can imagine, inter-parental conflict can have increasingly negative effects
upon a child's functioning. Wayne Matthews, a Human Development Specialist
with North Carolina State University states, "A good rule of thumb is the greater
the conflict between divorcing parents, the greater the number of problems the

-88children will have."97

In a landmark study of sixty families over the first five years of post
divorce, Judith Wallerstein and Joan Berlin Kelly documented clinical findings
from a population who had a great deal to say - the children of divorce. What
this study revealed is that the family rupture evoked many negative and
frightening emotions in children of all ages. The first and foremost fear of the
child is what would happen to him/her. Wallerstein contends that whatever its
shortcomings, "the family is perceived by the child . . . as having provided the
support and protection he needs. The divorce signifies the collapse of that
structure, and he feels alone and very frightened." 98
They go on to say that children of divorce have very few resources to turn
to for adult support. Given that children are so absolutely dependent upon adult
care, when the adults around them are troubled, hurt, angry or tearful, this only
contributes to their insecurity and anxiety. Children are terrified of abandonment
when they see their family structure crumbling around them and have no one to
turn to. It is not difficult to imagine that at a time when parents themselves
possess a diminished capacity to parent, the children live with a sense of fear,
regression, anger, guilt, grief and disorganization.

97

D. Wayne Matthews, Long-term Effects of Divorce on Children, North Carolina

Cooperative Extension Service, North Carolina State University, August, 1998.
98

Judith S. Wallerstein and Joan Berlin Kelly, Surviving the Breakup: How
Children and Parents Cope with Divorce (New York: Basic Books, 1980), 35.

-89ln some cases children will experience a role reversal in which they are
used by the parent to fulfill dependency needs. This is vastly different from the
temporary dependence of a parent on a child when separation occurs. This kind
of role reversal can and often does last for many years and involves the full
dependence of the parent upon the child. Many children prematurely take
responsibility for the household and the depressed parent, and are overwhelmed
and unable to sustain their own development in the process. "When a child
forfeits her childhood and adolescence to take on responsibilities for a parent,
her capacity to enjoy life as a young person, develop close friendships, and
cultivate shared interests is sacrificed. Beyond this loss, there is a major
psychological hazard if the upside-down dependence goes on too long."99 This
coupled with the emotional dependency of the depressed parent can leave the
child worried and anxious especially if the parent is suicidal and confides these
feelings to the child.
Wallerstein's work showed that few resources outside of the immediate
family were of help to the children during the initial crisis of divorce. She states,
"Fewer than 5 percent of the children were counseled or sustained by a church
congregation or minister. . . occasionally a neighbor would be unexpectedly
helpful. . . other children reported later that they had been helped by parents of
some of their friends . . . Yet, in all, less than 10 percent of the children received

"Judith S. Wallerstein, Julia M. Lewis and Sandra Blakeslee, The Unexpected

Legacy of Divorce: A 25 Year Landmark Study (New York: Hyperion, 2000), 9.

-90adult help from their community or family friends."100 Contributing to the lack of
adult support was the fact that most adults did not have an understanding of the
special needs of children of divorce. To make matters worse, children are often
thought to be resilient which isolates them even more. So much attention is
focused upon the adult crisis that the children can easily fall between the cracks.
Wallerstein's study revealed a commonality among these children of
divorce when it came to the range of feelings and concerns which burdened
them. The central themes, which appeared over and over in their research,
showed up in the behavioral symptoms of very small children all the way up to
the later developmental stages of adolescents. These themes were: Divorce is
frightening, divorce is a time of sadness and yearning, divorce is a time of worry,
divorce is a time of feeling rejected, divorce - a lonely time, divorce is a time of
conflicted loyalties, and divorce is a time of anger.101 Certainly, the short-term
effects of divorce upon children are devastating to say the least. But what about
the long-term effects of divorce?
There is a phenomenon among girls called the sleeper effect. It is a cruel
and silent assault on the development of young women. It is defined as follows:
The sleeper effect is particularly dangerous because it occurs at
the crucial time when many young woman make decisions that
have long-term implications for their lives. Entering young
adulthood, they are faced with issues of commitment, love, and sex
in an adult context - and they are aware that the game is serious.
If they tie in with the wrong man, have children too soon, or choose

100

Wallerstein, Surviving the Breakup, 44.

101

lbid, 45-49.

-91harmful life-styles, the effects can be long-lasting and tragic.

Suddenly overcome by fears and anxieties, they begin to make
connections between these feelings and their parents' divorce.102
The sleeper effect is primarily a female phenomenon. It is caused by the
disruption of divorce but is not usually seen until later in the young adult
developmental stage of the female. "Among teenage and adult populations of
females, parental divorce has been associated with lower self-esteem,
precocious sexual activity, greater delinquent-like behavior, and more difficulty
establishing gratifying, lasting adult heterosexual relationships. It is especially
intriguing to note that, in these studies, the parental divorce typically occurred
years before any difficulties were observed."103
This is what divorce does to the girls who will one day marry our sons and
become the mothers of our grandchildren and take positions of leadership within
our churches. To add insult to injury, girls who grow up without the day-to-day
experience of having interaction with a father figure who is attentive, caring and
loving do not thrive in their sense of being valued as a female. This sense of
being loved and valued as a female is vital in the development of the young
woman into her adult years. Without it our young women attempt to find that
sense of value in sexual activity with men, often precocious sexual activity. How
can this NOT affect our young women in their relationship to their heavenly
father?

102

Wallerstein, Second Chances, 61.

103

Neil Kalter, "Long-term Effects of Divorce on Children: A Developmental

Vulnerability Model," American Journal of Orthopsychiatry 57 (October 1987): 4.

WHAT CAN PARENTS DO?

Throughout the literature runs the theme that the adult experience of
divorce is qualitatively different from the child's experience of divorce. At the
time of divorce parents do suffer from a diminished capacity to parent due to
their own grief and adjustment. This leaves children to fend for themselves
emotionally, psychologically and sometimes physically. With little outside adult
intervention, children are many times left to themselves to sort out the confusion
anger, fear of betrayal, abandonment, loss and rejection. Specific things that
parents can do to help themselves and their children include the following:
Let children know that they are loved and that parents as
well as children need time to do things they enjoy.
Include the children once in a while in a social activity that
everyone can enjoy.
Understand that children need predictability.
Be keenly aware that children need relationships with both
parents, if at all possible.
Keep children out of the middle of parental conflicts.
Provide children with positive adult role models.
Let some things go or change regular routines to adjust to
the demands.
Divide the chores and let the children be responsible for
taking care of their own possessions and rooms.
Allow the children to contribute to family problem solving.
Look for free or inexpensive activities and entertainment.
Do not expose children to casual relationships with members
of the opposite sex. If a serious relationship develops,
introduce the person slowly into the children's lives.104

SUMMARY
The most critical misconception about the effects of divorce on children is
that they are resilient. They are resilient in the respect that they will survive the

Matthews, 5.

-93breakup of their family, but the quality of life in the short-term and the long-term
is irreparably impaired. Additionally, developmental stages are negatively
affected in that many children approach their young adulthood with insecurity
and anxiety about their own ability to maintain adult relationships. Many times
these children enter their adult lives with fear of abandonment, betrayal, loss,
rejection, commitment and intimacy.
The most helpful approach when helping children of divorce is to
understand what they are going through. Children are often unable to articulate
their painful emotions and do all they know to do - act out. Acting out is a
psychological term meaning to perform an action to express emotional conflicts.
Since children cannot sort through their conflict alone, they need the help of
caring and empathic adults to provide guidance, nurture, structure and
predictability.
CASE STUDY
The following case study is of a Church of God pastor's wife who is also
a Church of God pastor's child. At the present time she is 40 years old. The
divorce between her mother and father happened when she was 15 years old.
The following is used with permission. Names and any other identifying
information have been changed or removed to protect the anonymity of all
involved.
QUESTION ONE
What was the reason for your parents divorce as you perceived it at the
time and were you aware that there were such serious problems or did it
come as a surprise?

-94-

My mother had just had brain surgery due to a brain tumor that had been
misdiagnosed as epilepsy for a number of years. I knew that my father's mother
had died of cancer and I thought that Dad just couldn't handle the thought of
mom dying. I guess that I was looking for a reason that would seem to be
nobody's fault. I was definitely taken by surprise. I had no idea that there were
such problems. My only insight into the situation had come from a comment
from my aunt mentioning that my parents might be headed to divorce. I did find
out years later that I was the only one who was oblivious to the situation around
me. My siblings said that they knew that the divorce was coming. Being the
baby of the family, I was either extremely naive or had been sheltered from the
storm around me.
QUESTION TWO
Looking back on your life, do you feel that your parents divorcing cheated
you out of part of your life?
I really missed the relationship that I had with my father previous to the
divorce. I was most definitely a daddy's girl. I would go with him on bus trips and
even dressed in the blue pants and white shirt just like dad wore. Because dad
had been a pastor, I was extremely proud of him and was thrilled to be a pk.
When I realized that dad was not what he had seemed in my young eyes, I felt
that I had lost the hero that I had always had as well.
Dad wanted me to live with him. When I said that I would stay with Mom
partially because he was living with my Mom's best friend even though Mom
and Dad were still married, Dad became very upset. He had bought a horse for

-95me after the divorce fulfilling a lifelong dream. When I did not come to live with
him, the horse was sold. Dad seemed at times to want to punish me for my
decision to stay with Mom. Because of that, our relationship became almost
non-existent. I continued to try to reach out to him until one particular day that
Dad had yelled and cursed at me. Because of the stress of the situation, I was
having some major stomach problems. My physical health was taking a beating.
That night, I went to my youth pastor's home and he encouraged me to stay
away from Dad for a while if only to protect my health and mental outlook.
QUESTION THREE
Did you feel torn in your relationship between your mother and father, like
you should take sides?
Mom and Dad definitely used the three of us kids as pawns in their
game of divorce. I am not sure how much Mom tried to do this or if it just
happened as she was hurting and needed someone to talk to about the
situation. When I found pornography in my father's dresser as I was packing his
things to take to him, Mom shared with me how Dad would force her to do oral
sex with him. Obviously, this was not something that any 15 year old Daddy's
girl needed to know. Dad would do the same type of thing constantly
complaining about the way Mom had treated him. I was also used quite often as
the messenger between the two parents. As such, I would be subject to the
unhappy responses of both parents.

-96QUESTION FOUR
When your parents were going through the breakup, did you feel that you
had to be a parent either to your parents or to your siblings? In other
words was there any kind of role reversal that took place?
When the divorce first took place, my sister still lived at home. During
that time, everything was very strained. My Mom and I constantly fought. My
sister seemed to be the parent. She was furious at Dad and felt that I was
betraying Mom by even seeing Dad. When my sister married soon after the
divorce, the roles changed dramatically at home. I will make mention of the fact
that my brother gave away the bride at my sister's wedding. Dad was invited,
but was not asked to perform that role. After my sister moved out, Mom and I
actually began to get along. I did take on the parental role. Knowing that I would
go off to college in a few years, I began to make plans to help Mom make it
when I left. I helped us find an apartment so that we could move out of the
trailer home that we had shared as a family. It was my responsibility to get Mom
to and from her radiation treatments since she was not medically released to
drive. Even though I was only 15 at the time, I was able to get a hard-ship
license and had my own car that my Dad bought for $500.
It also became my responsibility to explain some of the facts of life to
mother. Because of the brain tumor, Mom did not always think things out as
clearly as she should have. At one point I found at that a man that she was
dating wanted her to lie down on his bed beside him just to comfort one
another. I had to sit down with her and explain that such things were not wise

-97things to do. I shared with her some of the same things that had been shared
with me before the brain surgery. Telling my Mom how a guy may take
advantage of a situation such as that was definitely not something that I would
have thought would be my job as a teen.
QUESTION FIVE
Did you have the support of other adults? From family? From church?
From school?
My biggest support was from my youth pastor and his wife. For years, I
thought of them as surrogate parents. Pastor Bob was the one who encouraged
me to keep up good grades. He was also the one who taught me how to drive.
Jane was the one who shared about love and the physical aspects of love when
I was dating my future husband. Even today, we are close. The relationship has,
however, changed. During my days in the youth group, Pastor Bob and Jane
were there whenever I needed them. I also helped them out as the first
babysitter of either of their boys. I was almost a part of their family. Without the
support of the church and of this couple in particular, I am not sure what would
have become of me.
QUESTION SIX
Many children of divorce go through mixed and confusing

emotions.

Looking back on your experience please choose a couple of the following

emotions and discuss your experience: Anger, anxious, personally
rejected, powerless, unhappy, lonely, abandoned, wanted to strike out,
depression, guilt, grief and disorganization.

-98I think that I definitely went through a period of anger. It seems that I was
angry at Mom, I was angry at Dad, and I was angry at God for letting it all
happen. I can remember that even though I had sung at State Camp meeting
for years, I didn't sing that year. I felt that God had abandoned me and I refused
to be a hypocrite and sing for things that I did not believe at that time.
I was also very confused. Our senior pastor made a comment to me that
he thought that when I got back from India, Dad would come back. I took that to
mean that somehow it was my responsibility. I wondered about that comment
for years. As an adult, I asked Pastor what he had meant. He told me that he
thought that when Dad saw me, his little girl, Dad would realize what he was
doing and come back. As an adult I realize that he simply made an unwise
statement in passing not realizing the meaning that it would have to a teen.
I know that I was also very lonely at times. I can remember my Mom and
I visiting her parents in Michigan and having my birthday while we were there. I
remember turning 16 and waiting by the mailbox all day thinking that surely my
father would send something. Of course, it never happened. When my
grandmother found out what I was waiting for, she made the comment that even
if he sent something, she wouldn't allow anything from him into her house
anyway. Obviously, it is not a birthday that I remember with fondness.
QUESTION SEVEN
What are the three biggest problems you have faced in your life because
of the divorce?

-99A. It was difficult to have poise and self-confidence because I felt that
my own father didn't even care about what happened to me.
B. The relationships between myself and my siblings will most likely
never be good, strong ones.
C. My boys have missed out on having a grandfather in their lives since
their other grandfather passed away 7 years ago and my father has not made
himself a presence in their lives. When my father decided to come to Anderson
Campmeeting about 4 years ago, we felt that we needed to talk to the boys
about their grandfather that they would see there. One of our son's remark
seemed to say it all, "Grampa Jim, I thought he was dead!" Even since that time,
he doesn't call, send presents for Christmas or birthdays, or even send a card.
The only time that the boys have seen him has been at Anderson Campmeeting
and when we went down for my Mom's funeral last summer. For me that is a
sad thing for my boys.
QUESTION EIGHT
How did the divorce make you feel in your relationship with God?
I think that many children who have had an unhealthy relationship with
their father struggle with the idea of God as a loving father. Often I felt that God
surely could not love and accept me if my own father could not do the same.
These problems would reappear occasionally, as I would go through times of
inadequacy in my life. However, I was able to realize that God was a father
without the human limitations shown by my human father. God could not be

-100selfish and want only what was best for himself. God could not walk away from
the ones that love him and not take care of them.

-101PART III
AFFAIRS: THE HIDDEN ENEMY
A major concern of the author is the heightened occurrence of
extramarital affairs among Christians.

It is for this reason that a question was

selected for the survey in an attempt to estimate how serious the issue really is.
In the 2006 survey, the question was asked, "Do you personally know of a
Christian marriage that has ended in divorce because of an affair?" This
question was answered "yes" by 82% of those surveyed.
One author states, "The statistics on the frequency of affairs today are
disheartening. Reiss and Thompson indicate that 40 to 50% of all married men
have extramarital affairs. Nearly 70% of all married men under forty expect to
have an extramarital relationship. Given the increasingly permissive views
toward sex today, researchers Gilbert Nass and Roger Libby have predicted
that between one-half and two-thirds of all husbands will have an affair before
they reach age forty."105
In his book, Temptations Men Face, Tom Eisenman cites another poll
conducted by the research department of Christianity Today. Pastors in the
United States were asked if they had ever had sexual intercourse with someone
other than their spouse since they have been involved in local church ministry.
He says, "Of the respondents, 12% answered yes. Of the 88% who answered
105

l_aurel Richardson, "Another World," (Psychology Today, February, 1986), 22;

in Tom L. Eisenman, Temptations Men Face (Downers Grove, III: InterVarsity Press,
1990), 80.

-102no, many chose to write along with the answer that their sexual purity had not
come easily. Pastors were also asked if they had ever been involved in other
forms of sexual contact with someone other than their spouses, i.e., passionate
kissing, fondling/mutual masturbation, since they have been in church ministry.
Of that 88%, 18% answered yes making that a total of 30% of the ministers
polled who have been involved in sexual indiscretions.106
In researching the literature on extramarital affairs, there is much written
about how to find healing from the devastation of an affair. However, there is
very little written on the prevention of the affair. There is very little literature
written to help people identify the process of entanglement which occurs as
emotions become intertwined into a web of enmeshment. People do not rise
one morning resolved to go out and have an affair which will break up their
family and devastate lives. Rather, the process of entanglement is a slow
process of enmeshment which if caught in its early stages can be recovered
before it is too late.
HOW AFFAIRS HAPPEN,
WHAT THE CHURCH NEEDS TO KNOW AND TEACH
In his book, Tom Eisenman identifies twelve common steps that usually
occur in sequence as a relationship moves toward an adulterous affair. These
steps often occur over a long period of time, but a man and a woman can move

106

Tom L. Eisenman, Temptations Men Face (Downers Grove, III: InterVarsity

Press, 1990), 80.

-103through these stages of relationship in a single evening. Becoming aware of

these steps helps people to recognize what might be happening so they can
stop the process before they are over their heads.
Eisenman says that the two enemies are rationalization and denial. He
says that we rationalize when we give acceptable reasons for unacceptable
thoughts, feelings and behaviors. Denial is our often intense refusal to
recognize the truth about our thoughts, feelings and behaviors. Dr. Jay Lindsey,
a Christian psychologist in Boulder, Colorado, and a personal friend of Tom
Eisenman shares how far from reason the rationalization can get. One woman
he was seeing in his practice said, "Isn't it wonderful that God has given me two
handsome men to love?"107 Another woman thought that God understood and
accepted her numerous affairs because, after all, it was He who created within
her this need for other men. A man in counseling said, "It's okay, because each
time we have sex, we end by praying together."108
When it comes to becoming entangled in an affair, it is rationalization
working hand-in-hand with denial which can alter our sense of reality and make
us less and less able and willing to recognize that we are moving toward a fall.
It is amazing the extent to which we can explain and justify our sinful behavior.
Rationalization and denial play a part at each stage of the process of
entanglement.

107

lbid, 88.

108

lbid.

-104It is important to note that many people assume affairs happen only in
unhealthy marriages, but this is not true. There is a significant amount of
spiritual warfare which plays into the process of entanglement and this can
happen even in healthy marriages. Marriages go through stages and some of
the stages may seem to have lost the passion. "No one should be surprised
when they find their mind wandering toward something new, something
different, something that seems a little more exciting. . . . Most couples realize
that there are times when living with the same person year after year can be
boring. And the lure of something new and different can be quite strong."109 It
has been the experience of the author that those people who are unaware of
their vulnerabilities are the ones who, in reality, are the most vulnerable.
THE TWELVE STEPS
The following steps are invaluable for any married person to be aware of
as they move about life at work, in their neighborhoods, in their churches, etc.
The biggest problem in promoting awareness is people think that this could
never happen to them, until it does.
STEP ONE: READINESS
The first step is the condition of emotional readiness. Something is
occurring in a person's life that has them leaning away from the
marriage. If we look closely at the story of David and Bathsheba in
2 Samuel 11, it appears that this kind of emotional readiness was
present in David. We can learn from David's fall. We can work to
understand what is happening to us and turn our energy toward
regaining full health in our relationship.

Whitemen and Bartlett, 27, 28.

-105STEP T W O : ALERTNESS
The second step in the affair process is a growing awareness of a
particular person in our web of relationships. We may begin simply
by thinking occasionally about the other person. The innocent
thoughts can turn into fantasizing about them.
STEP THREE: INNOCENT MEETING
During the time of heightened awareness of the other person, there
can be truly innocent, chance meeting, often legitimate business
contacts that can potentially build relationship.
STEP FOUR: INTENTIONAL MEETING
Meetings occur frequently which appear to be by chance when in
reality one person has acted in such a way as to increase the
likelihood of the meeting.
STEP FIVE: PUBLIC LINGERING
The man and woman now spend time together while in group
settings. They tend to shut others out by turning away from the
group and avoiding eye contact with others.
STEP SIX: PRIVATE LINGERING
There is now a growing excitement in being together alone. It is a
seductive feeling, enticing. Conversations shift from ideas to
feelings. Caring is shared. There is an entry through conversation
into private and personal areas. Many times there is sharing of
marital problems which creates a feeling of intimacy. This is a very
dangerous and vulnerable point at which the feelings of intimacy
are strong.
STEP SEVEN: PURPOSEFUL ISOLATING
Now the man and woman begin to plan time alone for "legitimate"
purposes. The couple would still deny any suggestion that their
relationship was not completely appropriate.
STEP EIGHT: PLEASURABLE ISOLATING
Now the man and woman are planning time alone with each other
for the sheer enjoyment and fun of being together. The
relationship takes on a youthful euphoria. There is a shared
experience of excitement and adventure. There is more intimacy.

STEP NINE: AFFECTIONATE EMBRACING

Secret longings for each other become intense. There is
embracing without letting go. There is increased touching and
playful caressing. At the same time with their spouses, there will
be a decrease in affectionate embracing and physical contact.

-106STEP TEN: PASSIONATE EMBRACING

Affectionate touching and embracing lead to passionate
interchanges. When alcohol is involved, a couple moves quickly
through these stages.
STEP ELEVEN: CAPITULATION
The couple gives in to sexual intercourse. Denial is eliminated at
this stage. There is no way that they can deny the reality of what
has occurred between them.
STEP TWELVE: ACCEPTANCE
Here the man and woman admit to themselves and to each other
that they are truly having an affair. Here the emotional investment
in the affair is at its peak, and the emotional investment in the
marriage is at its lowest point.110
Any pastor or counselor who works with married couples should be aware
of and educate their people with these steps. Awareness of the process of
entanglement can only empower people to stay vigilant and out of danger.
CASE STUDY
The following case study is true and used with permission. This pastor
had an affair with a parishioner. Following the case study we will discuss a more
serious dynamic of when pastors abuse their position of power. However, for the
purpose of the case study pay attention to the subtle entanglement.
QUESTION ONE
What surprises you the most about the fact that you entered into sexual
sin?
When I entered the ministry I was a pretty black and white guy. I saw sin
as sin and there was not much room for tolerance or grace toward others. My
110

Eisenman, 88-93.

-107background and education provided the arena for this stance. As for my
background, there was very little affection shown to me as a child. It was not
that my parents did not love me but that they just didn't show that love through
affectionate hugs and kisses. They proved their love in many other ways such
as monetary. So I was this "cold" individual who treated others the same.
As a fundamentalist pastor, my positions on issues were very dogmatic. I
held to the straight and narrow and could not imagine ever being involved with
another woman. So needless to say I never thought I would enter into any
indiscretion (sin).
I guarded myself against any questionable behavior or associations with
members of the opposite sex. I was uncomfortable being around women other
than my wife. I would never counsel a woman alone, never ride in an automobile
alone with a woman. Never entertain a woman for a business lunch. I never
even hugged women. My policy was to only hug women under six and over
sixty. However, I really never hugged anyone.
What surprises me the most is that even though I am a very disciplined
individual, I did succumb to something to which I was vehemently opposed.
Something that was ingrained in me never to do. I allowed myself to go against
everything I was taught and believed and that I was this "perfect" pastor who had
the ideal wife and family. So it does surprise me and yet in a way it doesn't. By
that I mean I was probably very susceptible to the advances of another woman.
The warmth, words, adoration and hugs broke down the tough, disciplined

-108exterior.
QUESTION TWO
Before this incident, what did you think or feel about other ministers who
had affairs?
I don't know that I had any feelings about other ministers other than how
could they call themselves God's servants and do such a thing. I rarely heard of
any pastors in my church affiliation who had affairs. Maybe two or three. I guess
my first thought was, shock. It shocked me that anyone would allow this to
happen. I was more aware of the TV evangelists. That made good preaching
for me to show the errors of these "phony" TV personalities. Other than that I did
not think much about affairs that ministers had.
QUESTION THREE
Did you have anyone to talk to while the tension was building up?
you have talked if there were someone you could have trusted?

Would

I did not have anyone to talk to. I was a "loner" and was never close to
anyone, especially someone that I would be willing to trust with my inner feelings.
I think as a pastor in some ways it is good to be a loner and of course in other
ways there are many drawbacks. The main drawback of course is no one to
confide in.
I was basically taught (in Bible College) not to trust anyone. I had many
people stab me in the back over the years and there was no way I would trust
anyone for fear that they might possibly use any information against me in the

-109future. I was very protective of my inner thoughts and feelings.

In my circle of ministry, I was not surrounded by a group of men or a team
of men to whom I was accountable. I had deacons and trustees, however, it was
more the business of running the church than about relationship and
accountability. I was really not accountable to anyone. No one voluntarily got
close to me to care enough about me to be involved in my personal life. So I
really had no one to trust or to confide in.
If someone had built a relationship with me and over a period of years and
a mutual trust developed, I probably would have shared any weakness I had or
temptations I encountered. It would have been very difficult for me to share
personal information, that is why I say "probably." I am not sure that I would
have. I am very protective of myself. I don't let anyone in on my thoughts,
feelings or personal life.
QUESTION FOUR
Describe the state of your marriage in the six months prior to the affair.
Did you think it was good, in distress, stable, unhappy, etc.
I was married at the age of 18. Needless to say that posed many
challenges. I don't believe any 18-year-old is ready for the commitment and
challenges of marriage. It was a rocky relationship at first and then I accepted
Jesus Christ as my Savior. That changed everything and my relationship with
my wife began to develop.

-110Together we grew spiritually and nine years later God called me into full
time ministry. I attended Bible college and graduated with honors. During
college my wife and I were heavily involved in volunteer ministry. Then after
graduation I assumed the pastorate and that heavy schedule continued.
As time went on our marriage became mechanical. It was all about
ministry and not about our personal relationship. Instead of our relationship
growing it began to stagnate. Yes, we were in love and committed but the
romance (spark) was missing. My marriage was not "good," yes you could say it
was in distress to some degree but it was stable or should I say "status quo." I
made it very difficult for my wife to love me and cherish me. I was a perfectionist
and could be very critical at times. I did not provide my wife with the affection
and positive affirmation that she needed.
I believe that the husband is totally responsible for the direction of the
marriage and if he loves his wife as Christ loved his church (Ephesians chapter
5) the wife would be responsive and be the helpmate that God intended for her
to be. However, I was not that husband. Did I love my wife? Yes, but not
unconditionally. Add to this scenario the challenges, pressures and difficulties of
the ministry and you have a recipe for an affair. You could say that I was easy
prey for someone who would see me in a different light than my wife.
Having been married at a young age and for many years I never knew
what it was like to interact or communicate with another woman. Did that make
me susceptible, yes! Did I seek relief from the pressure of marriage and ministry

-111in this affair, probably. It was a pleasing escape from the realities of life. Did I
fall in love with another woman? No! Did I want to leave my wife for someone
else? No! That was not the issue. It was a release in a way from the mundane
routine of ministry and marriage. Was there an "excitement" factor? Yes!
QUESTION FIVE
How much do you think spiritual warfare entered into this indiscretion?
I wrestled with the Holy Spirit's conviction. I knew that what I was doing
was wrong. Yet I ignored the warning signs and ignored the prompting of the
Holy Spirit to the point that I grieved Him. Soon I became insensitive to the
Spirit's conviction and promptings. However, whenever I would see, hear, or
read something about "affairs" it would cut me like a knife but I escaped the
conviction by not continuing to read the article or watch the show or listen to the
interview.
There was a constant battle going on in my life between the flesh and the
spirit with the flesh winning the battle. The Bible says that the pleasures of sin
are for a season. It was pleasing to the flesh and I allowed the flesh to overrule
the Spirit. Needless to say it was a miserable existence.
Eventually the conviction was such that I could just not stand it any longer.
Thank God He does not forsake His own and continues to pursue them. It was
short lived pleasure. It was empty, shallow and with no future.

-112DO NO HARM - WHEN THE PASTOR ABUSES POWER

It might seem apparent to the reader of 2 Samuel 11 that David abused
his power as king when he sent for Bathsheba with less-than-noble intentions.
Perhaps it was not so apparent until the prophet Nathan rebuked him for his
misdeeds. Why, then, is there such a lack of understanding about the nature of
a pastor's position of power and the risk of misuse of that power? Perhaps
pastors do not conceive of their position as a position of power. However,
"Clergy, whether they like it or not, are in a role of authority in relationship to the
laity, just as a parent is in a role of authority in relation to the child. This is not to
suggest that clergy are to play a parental figure to the childlike laity, but rather to
acknowledge that the clergy-lay relationship in the church is not a peer
relationship."111 This lack of clear ethical boundaries in the church only provides
an open door for the pastor to do harm to those under his or her care, whether
intentional or not.
In the profession of counseling there are clearly defined boundaries
regarding professional relationships. However, in the church such boundaries
are very unclear much of the time. It may be partly due to the desire of some
pastors to be more of a peer or friend, not realizing the danger due to a lack of
professional boundaries in his/her type of relationship. Certainly another reason
for this lack of structured boundaries may be that the church might want to

111

Marie M. Fortune, Is Nothing Sacred? When Sex Invades the Pastoral

Relationship (San Francisco: Harper & Row, 1989), 103.

-113perceive its pastor as one of them. Whatever the reason for a lack of
boundaries, pastors have the unwavering trust of their congregants. At the very
root of this trust is that the pastor will do no harm and that a pastor will act in the
best interest of the parishioner. Consequently, it is imperative that pastors
understand that the power dynamics between them and their congregation are
always unequal.
Marie Fortune, an ordained minister in the United Church of Christ and
founder and executive director of The Faith Trust Institute in Seattle, describes
the following, "The pastoral sex offender does not differ significantly from the
secular sex offender. He is manipulative, coercive, controlling, predatory, and
sometimes violent. He may also be charming, bright, competent, and
charismatic. He is attracted to powerlessness and vulnerability. He is not
psychotic, but is usually sociopathic; that is, he has little or no sense of
conscience about his offending behaviors. He usually will minimize, lie, and
deny when confronted. For these offenders, the ministry presents an ideal
opportunity for access to possible victims of all ages."112
Any person who might be reading the above-mentioned description of the
pastoral sex offender may think of this as an extreme. No doubt, while there are
those pastors who may be described by this profile, there are many good men
and women who are not sex offenders but fall into inappropriate sexual
relationships with parishioners because of a lack of awareness of the subtle

112

lbid, 47.

-114entanglement which takes place when boundaries are so blurred. What Tom
Eisenman and Marie Fortune are describing are different. The reason that this
difference needs to be noted is that God-fearing, dedicated, committed men are
falling into sexual indiscretions, which are essentially abusive, due to lack of
education, not due to a deep-seated proclivity toward sexual predatory activities.
Good men and women in good marriages and who love God and are
committed to his purpose can and do fall head long into sexual indiscretions.
The pastor in the above case study was one such man. He had no real sense of
a "position of power" and lost his way as the seduction of the sexual experience
became twisted and contorted giving way to rationalization. This is an extremely
important point, for most pastors would completely resist the sexual offender
profile of Marie Fortune while being a prime target for the subtle entanglement of
which Eisenman speaks.
Marie Fortune goes on to elaborate on this position of power by saying,
"The power and authority of the pastor come from training, credentials, and gifts
as well as from the contract given by the laity to the pastor. The pastor's role
and responsibility require a degree of intimacy with church members, but this
intimacy is imposed and not reciprocal."113 She goes on to describe the healthy
pastor as one who realizes the professional, pastoral relationship is a position of
power,". . . acknowledging both the gift that it brings and the implication that the

113

Karen Lebacqz, Professional Ethics: Power and Paradox (Nashville: Abingdon

Press, 1985), 126, 111; in Fortune, 102.

-115pastor is at risk to misuse that power. The laity are vulnerable to harm should
that occur. The risk of misusing the power is a risk for all pastors. The risk is a
function of the role itself, not just of the character of the pastor."114 If pastors do
not understand the role and its inherent risk, the potential for harm is significantly
increased. In the good-hearted, compassionate naivete' of the pastor, the
potential for danger sits just waiting for the right time.
Prevention begins in education, information and accountability. It should
start in seminary training, but since many pastors do not attend seminary, it
needs to be taught by pastoral mentors or perhaps national offices. The church
can no longer assume this is not happening. Nor can she turn her head. Nor
can she blame the victim. Fortune recommends a clarification of ethical
standards for ministry. Perhaps a clarification from the national headquarters of
the Church of God, Anderson, Indiana, as to more detailed ethics of ministry
would enlighten and teach many of those pastors who have not attended
seminary. Fortune also suggests that,". . . they [pastors] need to learn to care
for their own emotional and sexual needs in appropriate ways. They need to be
encouraged to seek consultation with professional peers in order to avoid
isolation in their pastoral roles."115
Affairs, sexual indiscretions and moral failures are certainly nothing new in
the life of the church. This does not mean, however, that they should be

114

Fortune, 102.

115

lbid, 106.

-116regarded as a "fact of life" or "inevitable." Spirit filled, Christian people can and
do fall into sexual sin because of a lack of education and information as to how
this occurs. If it can happen to David, a man after God's own heart, it can
happen to anyone.

CHAPTER FOUR
IMPLICATIONS AND RECOMMENDATIONS
The survey results indicated that pastors are very aware of the problem of
divorce in the church. Some of them believe they have a handle on the problem
but the majority of them do not have a clear course of action in dealing with
divorce as it affects the local church. There is strong indication that pastors want
guidance and leadership from the national offices of the Church of God
(Anderson, IN). Certainly, concerning a crisis of this magnitude, it will take
serious interest, input and involvement from the national headquarters and state
administrators in order to raise consciousness and implement change. It is the
goal of this dissertation/project to provide a number of options from which the
church, either at the national, state or local level, may choose should she decide
to pursue this dilemma.
NATIONAL LEVEL
RECOMMENDATION ONE OF NINE
RECLAIM MARRIAGE AND FAMILY FROM THE CULTURE OF DIVORCE
It is recommended that the church create a national task force whose sole
purpose is to research the culture of divorce and present recommendations for
programmatic change to the church. The research may start with this
dissertation/project and its recommendations and progress in whatever direction

it deems necessary (i.e., strategies from the social sciences to reclaim marriage
and family for the church). This organization should not be a one time evaluation
-117-

-118of the problem, rather it should be an ongoing system of research, evaluation

and policy making body of the Church of God which provides programmatic
direction for local churches, "to promote commitment to marriage, prepare young
people for the parental vocation, and uphold the ideal of marital permanence."116
NATIONAL LEVEL
RECOMMENDATION TWO OF NINE
CREATE AND IMPLEMENT AN "ORGANIZATIONAL MARRIAGE POLICY"
It is recommended that the church bring a unified and organized vision
before the church by creating a marriage policy which will demonstrate that the
national headquarters of the Church of God is attempting to raise consciousness
in the area of marriage and divorce. The following portions of a sample marriage
policy are taken from a brochure written by the Westminister Ministerium:

THE CENTRAL CARROLL COMMUNITY MARRIAGE COVENANT

Because we care for our community, for married couples, for
children . . . We offer this covenant to help marriages last a lifetime.
This is a vision of the future that many of us share for central Carroll
County. Some hold this view because of a spiritual belief that
healthy marriages and families are a part of God's creative plan.
Others hold this view because of their concern about the effect of
troubled and failed marriages on adults and children alike, and the
relationship they have to poverty, violence in the home, teenage
pregnancy, school dropouts, crime and substance abuse.
Regardless of the motivation, together we hope to promote a
healthier Carroll County. . . .
We believe
God has established the sanctity and companionship of

116

Council on Families in America, Marriage in America, 14.

-119marriage in scriptures (Genesis 2:18, 21-25, Ephesians 5:2233, Hebrews 13:4).

God intends the marriage bond of husband and wife to last a
life time (Malachi 2:16, Matthew 10:6).
God intends church leaders to nurture the people in their
care. This responsibility extends to helping couples prepare
for marriage, as well as to strengthen marriages already
established (1 Peter 5:1-3, Ephesians 4:11-13).
Therefore, we will:
Encourage a courtship of at least one year.
Promote sexual abstinence outside of marriage.
Provide a premarital preparation process that incorporates a
minimum of four premarital counseling sessions, beginning at
least four months before the wedding.
Encourage the bride and groom to focus more on the
marriage than the wedding; and more on the meaning of the
ceremony than the fun of the reception.
Affirm lifelong faithfulness in marital relationship.
Provide enrichment opportunities designed to strengthen
marriages.
Train and utilize mature married couples to serve as mentors
for:
- Pre-engaged and engaged couples.
- Newlywed couples.
- Couples experiencing marital difficulties.
- Those seeking to strengthen their marriages. . . .
Rationale
Minimum courtship period. Statistics have shown that shorter
courtships are correlated with a higher rate of divorce.
Premarital preparation. Longer premarital preparation
together with premarital inventories . . .
The Role of Community
Identify policies and practices that may inadvertently place
undue stress upon marriage and family life, and provide
resources which will reduce this stress and encourage strong
family life.

-120Implement changes in the work place and in relationship that

will more effectively support marriages and families. . . .
Goals of our Community Marriage Policy
Create a premarital preparation program whose graduates
have a 90% success rate.
Launch a program to enrich all marriages in our
congregation.
Restore 80% or more of the troubled marriages.
Help more than half of the separated couples to reconcile.
Enable 80% of the remarried couples and step families to be
successful.
An Open Invitation to Our Faith Community
This marriage policy is a work in progress and we encourage other
churches to become involved with us in strengthening marriages in
our community. If you wish to discuss the policy or join with us in
this commitment, we welcome you. Please contact the offices of
the Westminister Ministerium or the Marriage Savers of Central
Carroll County.117
Although the above marriage policy is for a community, an organizational
marriage policy could very easily be formatted for the Church of God. The
concept of the Community Marriage Policy is the vision of the founder and
director of Marriage Savers, Michael J. McManus 118 and he may be contacted at
www.marriagesavers.orq. He would assist in drafting a marriage policy for the
Church of God.

The Central Carroll Community Marriage Covenant (Westminister Ministerium,

Marriage Savers of Central Carroll County, and other area churches, n.d.).
118

Michael J. McManus, Marriage Savers. Helping Your Friends and Family Avoid
Divorce (Grand Rapids: Zondervan Publishing House, 1993), 293-318.

-121-

NATIONAL LEVEL
RECOMMENDATION THREE OF NINE
CREATE MARRIAGE SAVER CONGREGATIONS AS A NATIONAL PROJECT
FOR OUR CHURCHES
After the creation of an organizational marriage policy, churches may then
be trained in how to create a marriage saver church. "Marriage Savers is a
ministry which equips local communities, principally through local congregations,
to help men and women to: prepare for marriage, strengthen existing marriages,
and restore troubled marriages."119 The core solution, which may be
implemented by any church, is a concept called the "Mentor Couple."120 Mentor
couples are couples in healthy marriages but are back from the brink of divorce.
In other words, mentor couples have had their own serious marital problems but
they overcame them, stayed together and have healthy marriages. These
couples are, "untapped resources of marital knowledge,"121 and may be survivors
of such crises as alcoholism, abuse or adultery.
These mentor couples are trained to administer premarital inventories and
then to discuss the results with the couple. They are also trained to administer
exercises to help couples prepare a budget, improve communication and conflict

119

McManus, A Manual to Create a Marriage Savers Congregation (Marriage

Savers, Inc, 2004), 18.
120

McManus, "An Overview of Marriage Savers," Marriage Savers [home page

on-line]; available from http://www.marriaqesavers.org/; Internet; accessed October 5,
2007.
121

lbid, 5.

-122resolution skills, and set personal and couple goals. "Also included is an
'Optional Premarital Sexual Covenant,' an opportunity for premarital couples to
pledge chastity until their wedding."122 These mentor couples are trained to work
from materials which may be purchased through Marriage Savers. These
materials are recommended because they have been created specifically for the
church.
NATIONAL LEVEL
RECOMMENDATION FOUR OF NINE
WRITE GRANTS SECURING FUNDS TO ASSIST CHURCHES WHO WISH TO
STRENGTHEN MARRIAGE AND FAMILY
The programs recommended herein have been created and developed by
the above-mentioned organization, Marriage Savers. These programs have a
fully developed curriculum specifically designed for the church. Although the
expense of these materials is not exorbitant, let the national headquarters of the
Church of God resolve that cost will never be a factor for churches who want to
expand their ministry in this direction by providing financial assistance to the local
church.
STATE LEVEL
RECOMMENDATION FIVE OF NINE
STATE OFFICES MAY BECOME A RESOURCE CENTER AND WORK WITH
THE NATIONAL OFFICES TO DISSEMINATE INFORMATION AND CAST A
VISION FOR THE CHURCHES IN EACH STATE

Ibid, 5-6.

-123-

State offices may serve as a conduit or a channel to structure the

programming in each state. In keeping with a vision created by the national
offices, state offices may offer assistance to the local church in the formation of
the marriage saver model. Additionally, state offices may promote the
organizational marriage policy and encourage the local church to embrace and
implement said policy.
FORMAL EDUCATIONAL LEVEL
RECOMMENDATION SIX OF NINE
TEACH AND TRAIN MASTERS LEVEL SEMINARIANS AND DOCTORAL
PARTICIPANTS THE MARRIAGE SAVER MODEL AND ENCOURAGE THEM
TO IMPLEMENT THIS PROGRAM IN THEIR CONGREGATIONS
In order to implement this program, there is training which needs to take
place. Mentor couples who administer the premarital inventories and conduct
the follow-up sessions must be trained. This training may take place on the
academic level in programs such as the Doctor of Ministry format. Seminarians
and pastors may become trained in order to train couples in their congregations
to take the responsibility of premarital counseling off of the pastor. This would
open new avenues of ministry to people who may not currently have a ministry
within the local church.
LOCAL CHURCH LEVEL
RECOMMENDATION SEVEN OF NINE
RESOLVE TO RAISE CONSCIOUSNESS IN LOCAL CONGREGATIONS BY
STRIVING TO IMPROVE MARITAL SATISFACTION AND TO LOWER RATES

-124OF DIVORCE AND NONMARITAL CHILDBEARING

This may be accomplished by creating marriage saver congregations
which would entail a marriage policy designed for the local church, a program
designed for mentoring couples, establishing educational programs, and
teaching and preaching regularly to reclaim the moral ground from the culture of
divorce and nonmarriage. This may also involve, "Recovering] the viewpoint
that sees marriage as an institution of covenantal permanence, as the proper
context for raising children, and as a relationship of mutual sharing and comfort
between husband and wife."123
The local church may establish and strengthen premarital counseling and
marriage enrichment programs striving to establish a culture of marriage and
support for marriage. She may, "Formulate 'vision statements' that publicly
establish the goal of strengthening the married, two-parent home and decreasing
the number of children born to unmarried parents."124
STATE, DISTRICT OR LOCAL CHURCH LEVEL
RECOMMENDATION EIGHT OF NINE
EXCEPT FOR EXTREME CASES, CHURCHES MAY RECLAIM MARRIAGE
COUNSELING FROM THE MENTAL HEALTH PROFESSION AND EDUCATE
AND INSTRUCT THOSE AMONG ITS LEADERSHIP TO GIVE GODLY,
EFFECTIVE, BIBLICAL INSTRUCTION
This may be accomplished by positioning pastoral counselors on church

123

Council on Families, Marriage in America, 14.

124

lbid, 16.

-125staffs, and/or creating district or regional counseling agencies who will administer
marriage counseling which upholds the biblical standard of the organizational
marriage policy. Persons who administer marital counseling in the local church
must possess a bias toward marriage. They must uphold the marriage
commitment and downplay divorce. They must possess confidence and training
in leading couples through their marital problems into reconciliation.
The local church may become a "divorce busting"125 entity which sees
itself as an effective force to influence persons on the brink of divorce to work
through their marital problems. Pastors, counselors and lay persons must resist
the impulse to give into the hopelessness which couples may feel about their
marriages and exert godly influence to make marriages work by walking
alongside the couple.
LOCAL CHURCH LEVEL
RECOMMENDATION NINE OF NINE
UTILIZE THOSE IN OUR CONGREGATIONS WHO HAVE BEEN
DEVASTATED BY DIVORCE TO TELL THEIR STORY IN ORDER TO HELP
OPEN THE EYES OF THE CHURCH TO THE ANGUISH AND BROKENNESS
OF DIVORCE
If the church is to be called to arms, what then shall we do with those in
our ranks who are divorced? The church may call them to arms also. I
challenge those who are divorced Christians to rise up and volunteer to be
placed on the front line. We minister to a generation who sees divorce as a

Michelle Weiner-Davis, Divorce Busting (New York: Fireside, 1992).

-126viable option, even in the church. Let the church rise up and tell the story of the
devastation and destruction which divorce brings by soliciting her people who
have been wounded and broken. Perhaps it is time to call forth the children of
divorce among our ranks to tell their stories. All this is not intended to hurt the
wounded more, instead it is intended to utilize them to reveal the anguish of
divorce and perhaps to help save a culture of divorce from repeating its cycle
over and over.
Certainly, this is not a platform for those who have initiated unbiblical
divorce. Nor does this need to be a platform to degrade, demean or bash one's
x-spouse or share personal information which may embarrass others. This may,
however, be a platform and a healing resource for those who have been
abandoned and/or divorced against their will. It may serve as an occasion for
the Body of Christ to hear and minister to those who have been devastated by
divorce. It may also serve to teach and enlighten our young people that though
divorce is thought of as casual in this society, it carries with it a profound depth of
pain, separation and brokenness.

-127EVALUATION OF PLAN OF ACTION

The four pastors on the Professional Development Team and the
Personal Support Team for this dissertation/project gathered to evaluate the plan
of action. They chose to evaluate the plan by analyzing each recommendation
and providing the pros and cons of each one. This evaluation was geared at
refining the plan of action to make it more accessible to the church. They made
the following observations.
It was proposed that using the wording "recommendation" instead of
"option" was stronger and more direct. The use of the word "option" hinted at
suggestion rather than providing concrete goals. It was also proposed that to
entitle each recommendation as one of nine, two of nine, etc., would give the
plan of action more continuity and would make it more accepted as a whole
rather than as optional parts.
NATIONAL LEVEL
RECOMMENDATION ONE OF NINE
RECLAIM MARRIAGE AND FAMILY FROM THE CULTURE OF DIVORCE NATIONAL TASK FORCE
PROS

Programmatic leadership from the national offices would provide a unified

approach and serve as empowerment and guidance for the local church.
This would serve to provide a cooperative effort among the churches.

CONS
The most serious concern was expense. It was suggested that national
and state offices are already running on shoestring budgets.
Creating a unified approach to divorce on the national level may be

-128difficult to obtain. Perhaps it would be seen as legalistic or too much of a

controversial topic.
NATIONAL LEVEL
RECOMMENDATION TWO OF NINE
CREATE AND IMPLEMENT AN "ORGANIZATIONAL MARRIAGE POLICY"
PROS
An organization marriage policy would provide a cooperative approach.
This approach does not get bogged down in the issues surrounding
divorce and remarriage. It simply focuses on proactive ways in which the
church may approach the problem.
CONS
The observation was made that the word "policy" might hint at
bureaucracy and be taken as a mandate. The suggestion was made to
add the wording "guidelines to create a marriage policy for the church."
Could a different title promote more acceptance of this recommendation?
NATIONAL LEVEL
RECOMMENDATION THREE OF NINE
CREATE MARRIAGE SAVER CONGREGATIONS AS A NATIONAL PROJECT
FOR OUR CHURCHES
PROS
It was suggested that having mentor couples from the district along with
couples from the local churches would be a positive. Pastors could then
refer to mentor couples at other churches if they would be a better fit for
the couples who need mentoring.
Assuming mentor couples have been properly selected and trained:
1) This would provide new opportunities for ministry;
2) This would provide connection for the members of the Body of Christ;
3) This is a biblical approach to ministry.
CONS
Because Church of God congregations are generally smaller, this concept

-129could lead to entanglement and enmeshment. Mentor couples would

have to be chosen wisely (not allowed to volunteer), screened and trained
in confidentiality and boundaries.
It might be difficult for pastors to identify potential mentor couples with
healthy marriages. Just because they survive divorce does not mean they
are healthy.
Change the mentor couple idea to include people who have not had "brink
of divorce" experience. Also include couples who have not had major
marital problems.
NATIONAL LEVEL
RECOMMENDATION FOUR OF NINE
WRITE GRANTS SECURING FUNDS TO ASSIST CHURCHES WHO WISH TO
STRENGTHEN MARRIAGE AND FAMILY
PROS
This is a good recommendation which would provide financial support to
churches who want to implement this program.
There are people at the national level of the Church of God who are
already experienced at securing monies for faith based projects. To cite
one example, they have secured grants from the Lilly Foundation.
CONS
Grant writing is frustrating, tricky, and needs to be done by a professional
grant request writer.
Someone experienced in grant writing would need to investigate and seek
out grant monies which would be available for faith based projects.
It takes longevity and a track record to secure grants. Sometimes it takes
years to develop a reputation in order to secure grants.
Sometimes grants are political.
STATE LEVEL
RECOMMENDATION FIVE OF NINE
STATE OFFICES MAY BECOME A RESOURCE CENTER AND WORK WITH
THE NATIONAL OFFICES TO DISSEMINATE INFORMATION AND CAST A
VISION FOR THE CHURCHES IN EACH STATE

-130-

PROS
Expand this to include regional offices. Many states do not have state
offices but are run by regional offices.
State offices would be more accessible to the local churches than the
national offices would.
This delegates responsibility providing efficient trickle-down effect.
CONS
This could potentially die at the state office level unless they have a heart
for it.
State offices are very busy already.
Some state offices are not equipped or properly structured to disseminate
information.
FORMAL EDUCATIONAL LEVEL
RECOMMENDATION SIX OF NINE
TEACH AND TRAIN MASTERS LEVEL SEMINARIANS AND DOCTORAL
PARTICIPANTS THE MARRIAGE SAVER MODEL AND ENCOURAGE THEM
TO IMPLEMENT THIS PROGRAM IN THEIR CONGREGATIONS
PROS
Create a continuing education option for pastors so as to prepare more
ministers with this model.
This will help the ministers strengthen their own marriage.
This recommendation needs to be presented for bachelors level ministers
also. They represent the majority of pastors.
This could be incorporated into the pastoral care level curriculum of the
bachelors programs. It could be more effective in that most pastors may
not obtain masters and doctorates.
CONS
None.

-131-

LOCAL CHURCH LEVEL

RECOMMENDATION SEVEN OF NINE
RESOLVE TO RAISE CONSCIOUSNESS IN LOCAL CONGREGATIONS BY
STRIVING TO IMPROVE MARITAL SATISFACTION AND TO LOWER RATES
OF DIVORCE AND NONMARITAL CHILDBEARING
PROS
This would provide more ownership from the local congregation.
CONS
If the national and state offices do not take the initiative, how does the
word get out to the local church?
STATE, DISTRICT OR LOCAL CHURCH LEVEL
RECOMMENDATION EIGHT OF NINE
EXCEPT FOR EXTREME CASES, CHURCHES MAY RECLAIM MARRIAGE
COUNSELING FROM THE MENTAL HEALTH PROFESSION AND EDUCATE
AND INSTRUCT THOSE AMONG ITS LEADERSHIP TO GIVE GODLY,
EFFECTIVE, BIBLICAL INSTRUCTION
PROS
This is a very good and visionary recommendation.
CONS
For pastors to get involved in longer-term counseling can be
overwhelming to the pastor (emotionally and time wise).
Pastors may have their own personal problems which might hinder them
providing positive guidance to couples on the brink of divorce.
Most pastors feel ill-equipped to deal with the complexities of marital
counseling.
Where does the pastor send people who have no money?

-132LOCAL CHURCH LEVEL

RECOMMENDATION NINE OF NINE
UTILIZE THOSE IN OUR CONGREGATIONS WHO HAVE BEEN
DEVASTATED BY DIVORCE TO TELL THEIR STORY IN ORDER TO HELP
OPEN THE EYES OF THE CHURCH TO THE ANGUISH AND BROKENNESS
OF DIVORCE
PROS
This would be best if written in advance, edited by the pastor and read by
someone other than the person (i.e., the pastor) in order to avoid
potentially harmful ad-libbing and overly emotional presentations.
CONS
This must have guidelines which are processed with the pastor.
To avoid liability, this must be written out and processed with the pastor to
make sure no slander or potentially libelous material is presented.
OVERVIEW
There were two major concerns of these pastors. The first was that the
plan of action could potentially die at any one of the above-mentioned levels
never reaching the local church. The second was that money is always a
concern to the local church. Another concern which was voiced was that there is
so much thrust for church growth programming from the upper echelons of the
Church of God, there may be little interest for yet another program.
These pastors did, however, see the problem of divorce as a crisis in
society and in the church. They held that this plan of action was neutral enough
to be accepted by any church body who might want to initiate a proactive stance
in favor of strengthening the family. They also thought that grant monies to
assist the local church with any expenses involved in initiating this program

-133would prove beneficial.

CHAPTER FIVE
CONCLUSION:
IMPLICATIONS FOR MINISTRY
What this research implies is that at this time in history, the church
possesses a great responsibility. It seems as though in the 1970's she never
really knew what hit her. The church reacted to a landslide of divorce in the only
way she knew how, by the implementation of marriage enrichment programs
initiated by the Board of Christian Education, by the creation of divorce recovery
workshops and by articles addressing the dilemma in Vital Christianity. But in
the terms of warfare, she may have never known precisely who her enemy was.
The research indicates that the decadent culture was blamed; that individualism
and entitlement were the culprits; and that divorce was erroneously thought to
have been limited to those marriages which had irreparably broken down. On a
more simplified level, the invention of television and the automobile was
supposed to have changed the face of marriage and family in the twentieth
century.126 However, while all of these elements may have been contributing
factors to the formation of the dilemma, the introduction of no-fault divorce was
the major breach in the dam that flooded the church with divorce.
There now exists a new generation of the church. This generation has
been shaped by children of divorced parents, by cohabitation, by an increasing
desensitization to divorce and by blended families. If the church is not very

126

Kenneth E. Jones, Divorce and Remarriage in the Bible (Anderson, IN: Warner
Press, 1989), 6-9.
-134-

-135careful, she may unknowingly and innocently become part of the problem instead
of part of the solution. This issue must be revisited with a sense of renewed
vision and commitment to the restoration of marriage and family to God's
creative design.
As stated previously by the Council on Families in America, "Our nation's
increasingly casual acceptance of divorce as a normative experience for millions
of parents and children should be a cause for profound alarm, not resignation,
passivity, and excuse-making."127 That same document goes on to say, "No one
sector of society is responsible for the decline of marriage. We are all part of the
problem, and therefore we all must be part of the solution."128 The tide
apparently seems to be shifting in society. There are great strides being made
by secular organizations to reestablish marriage in this nation. The following is a
brief summary of some of those efforts being made.
It only takes minimal research to uncover a surprising number of marriage
initiative organizations whose goal is to preserve marriage and family in America.
There are organizations whose goal is to get information about marriage out of
the research labs and to the public (i.e., CMFCE); there are organizations which
advertise and market a vast selection of self-help materials (i.e., Divorce
Busting); there are organizations which are working through the local
communities and community churches to create community marriage policies

127

Council on Families in America, Marriage in America, 8.

128

lbid, 14.

-136(i.e., Marriage Savers); and there are organizations which are active on the
political scene to effect change in the divorce laws (i.e., Americans for Divorce
Reform). There are many which exist and the number is growing because
concerned Americans are stepping up to the plate in massive efforts to curtail
the divorce rate in America.

THE COALITION FOR MARRIAGE, FAMILY AND COUPLES EDUCATION

(CMFCE) SMART MARRIAGES
This non-denominational, non-partisan, and non-sectarian organization is
dedicated to making marriage education more widely available. This coalition
was created because America's divorce rate has held steady at an unacceptable
rate of 50% for more than thirty years. The divorce rate is even higher for
subsequent marriages. With these statistics as the impetus for more available
marriage education, the Coalitions serves:
1) As a clearing house to help couples locate marriage and
relationship courses;
2) To help mental health professionals, clergy, mentor couples, and
lay educators locate marriage education training programs
and resources.
3) To connect those with an interest in the continuing development
of the field.
4) To support community marriage education initiatives, legislation,
and research.
5) To promote the effectiveness of marriage education courses and
increase their availability in the community.129
129

CMFCE, "About the Coalition," smartmarriages.com [home page on-line];

available from Http://smartmarriaqes.com/about cmfce.html; Internet, accessed April
12, 2007.

-137This organization is supported solely by the proceeds of the annual

conference. It puts out a free e-newsletter, serves to help get marriage
education courses and programs into the hands of the people, and hosts a
website directory with numerous events and organizations. The annual
conference, the web site, and the free e-newsletter/list are the main tools by
which it connects members and increases access to marriage education across
the country and around the world. The main goal of this organization is to
disseminate information into the hands of the public in an effort to increase
awareness.
DIVORCE BUSTING PROGRAM
Another model of a marriage initiative organization is the marketing and
sale of self-help products such as Michelle Weiner-Davis' Divorce Busting
organization which sells books and programs (DVD and audio programs), offers
training manuals which are geared at marketing and conducting marriage
workshops, produces articles, and links people to divorce busting coaches via
phone counseling.
Michelle Weiner-Davis advocated for marriage and against divorce long
before the rampant divorce rate became the urgent issue that it is today. She
believes, "The vast majority of divorces in our country are absolutely
unnecessary because most relationship problems are solvable."130 Weiner-

130

Divorce Busting, "About Michele Weiner-Davis, M.S.W.," Divorcebusting.com

[home page on-line]; available from Http://www.divorcebustinq.com/; Internet; accessed
April 28, 2007.

-138Davis' organization is one example of the vast commercialization of self-help

literature in today's marketplace.
MARRIAGE SAVERS
The primary goal of this organization is "Preparing, Strengthening and
Restoring Marriage." Their motto is "Building Stronger Communities, One
Marriage at a Time." Marriage Savers has two principal strategies to accomplish
this goal:
1) To establish a Community Marriage Policy (CMP) in cities and
towns throughout the United States and Canada, in which
pastors, priests and rabbis join together to strengthen
marriages with the conscious goal of pushing down the
community's divorce rate.
2) To establish Marriage Saver Congregations in churches and
synagogues throughout the United States and Canada in
which mentoring couples are trained to help other couples
prepare for a life-long marriage, strengthen all existing ones,
and restore troubled marriages. They believe that their
strategies can virtually eliminate divorces in the local
congregation.131

Founded in 1996 by Mike and Harriet McManus, Marriage Savers is a

ministry that equips local communities, principally through local congregations.
Marriage Savers generates articles, resources and training programs which are
of interest to individuals, churches and communities. However, the primary goal
appears to be to encourage as many communities as possible to establish a
Community Marriage Policy.

McManus, "An Overview of Marriage Savers."

-139The Marriage Savers model has been selected as the primary

recommendation for the dissertation/project. It is low in cost, relatively easy to
implement and has a good track record for reducing the divorce rate. Please see
the overview of Marriage Savers in Appendix C.
AMERICANS FOR DIVORCE REFORM
This web-based organization was founded and directed by John Crouch,
a divorce lawyer who believes in discouraging, restricting and reducing divorce.
This organization stays on top of current legislation regarding divorce and its
goals are:
1) To tell the public, lawmakers and the media what's wrong with
divorce.
2) Help people get involved in state-level efforts to pass divorce
reform laws.
3) Give people information, statistics, analysis and drafting help
that they need in order to advocate divorce reform in their
states.132
Americans for Divorce Reform was founded in 1997 and has helped
people get involved in the movement for divorce reform through their web site,
e-mail lists, radio, print and television interviews. This information is especially
helpful to anyone who is studying statistics and legislation regarding divorce
reform.

Divorce Reform, "The Marriage Movement," Divorcereform.org [home page

on-line]; available from Http://www.divorcereform.orq/lea.html; Internet; accessed May
18, 2007.

-140NOW, WHAT ABOUT THE CHURCH?

One can only have great respect for the efforts put forth by the abovementioned individuals and organizations. Many more marriage initiatives exist
than are listed here. One might ask where the church's role fits into the initiative
to curtail the divorce rate and restore marriage and family. First, the Body of
Christ must be made aware of how this dilemma evolved, primarily to understand
the nature of the problem and how it has shaped marriage and family in today's
church. Then she must be called to arms to engage this issue with fervency and
vision. A plan of action will hopefully shape a strategy. Then initiative and action
must be taken by church leaders, ideally from the national headquarters thus
providing a trickle-down effect to the local church level.
A NEW VOICE
In the beginning pages of this dissertation/project I alluded to the church
speaking with a new voice. A Christian client who was considering divorce once
said, "I have come to realize that working out my marriage in order to stay
married is my Christian responsibility." She went on to say that all her marital
problems are still there but coming to that conclusion has made an enormous
difference in her attitude toward her marriage. She also said that she and her
husband have made these three little people who have been entrusted into their
care and they owed it to them to do whatever it takes to stay married to each
other.

-141We have to reach a point in our Christian maturity whereby we move past
our feelings of "personal privilege" and acknowledge and obey a higher calling that of a Christian example and role model to a generation who follows. Will our
legacy to the generation following in our footsteps be, "Follow me as I work out
my own agenda and personal privilege," or "Follow me as I model Christian
responsibility and faithfulness"?
The new voice of which I speak is not to rehash all the hair-splitting
opinions about who can divorce and who cannot. This theme is entirely
overdone in the Christian literature. This new voice would speak with authority
that God's design is to seek godly seed or offspring. This new voice would
speak with confidence that Christians need to put the good of the children and
family first. We must preach, teach and counsel responsibility to a higher calling,
that of perpetuating the lineage of the Christian faith.
Referring again to Malachi, the Lord shows high regard for marriage
because it is the training ground for children. To treat marriage lightly is to show
disrespect for one's children, who need a safe, secure, spiritual, and loving
environment in which they can be nurtured, trained, and developed into godly
adults who will continue the pattern into future generations. "The idolaters of
Malachi's day were not just being unfaithful to God and unfaithful to their wives they were also destroying the concept of family, by means of which they were

-142impoverishing their nation's social machinery."133 "In most human societies,

marriage is a fundamental social bond, one effect of which is to hold that society
together; conversely, divorce not only breaks a particular social bond but, if it
becomes widespread, can undermine the fabric of society as a whole." 134
What a prophetic voice! Hopefully, we are not too late.

133

Randall Radic, "Malachi: A Verse-by-Verse Study of the Prophet Malachi;"

available from www.realtime.net/~wdoud/documents/STUDIES DOC/MALACHI.com:
Internet; accessed February 24, 2007.
134

P.C. Craigie, Twelve Prophets, The Daily Study Bible Series, Vol. 2
(Louisville: Westminister John Knox Press, 1985), 236.

CHAPTER SIX
SUGGESTIONS FOR FURTHER RESEARCH
Research into the realm of legislation would be a worthy goal for the
church. If for nothing else, to understand what is happening to the civil laws so
that the church may be enlightened in this area. At this time, there exists major
attempts to reverse some of the damage brought about by no-fault divorce. The
following summary is from the organization called Divorce Reform which is
mentioned above.135
In the past ten years many professionals and state legislators have come
together with a united goal of putting the brakes on no-fault divorce laws. These
goals include such things as the introduction of "covenant marriage" (which
couples may choose instead of traditional marriage) and the consent of both
spouses for no-fault divorce
Three states (Louisiana, Arkansas, and Arizona) have adopted covenant
marriage laws and 20 other states have considered adding covenant marriage
laws. Covenant marriage is an alternative to traditional marriage. It requires that
spouses take an oath making a lifelong commitment to marriage and that they
get premarital counseling. Divorce is only allowed in limited circumstances, such
as abuse, adultery, addiction, and felony imprisonment. Spouses must be
separated for a specified period of time and go to marital counseling before a

135

Divorcereform.org [home page on-line]; available from

Http://www.divorcereform.org/lea.html; Internet; accessed May 18, 2007.
-143-

-144divorce will be granted. These laws are trying to put the brakes on quickie
divorces by fostering a renewed commitment to having a long-term marriage.
Persons who are already married may also convert to a covenant marriage. In
this situation, it is not necessary to have premarital counseling or to apply for a
marriage license and go through a marriage ceremony.
Covenant marriage has gotten off to a slow start but hopefully it will take
root in the coming years. The states who presently have covenant marriage laws
report that couples by and large do not opt for this type of marriage. However, it
would be an excellent alternative for clergy to use covenant marriage as the
requirement to marry couples in the church. What this would involve is to pass
covenant marriage legislation in all states so that there would be consistency
across the board. One of the criticisms of this type of marriage is that if a couple
changes their minds, they can file for divorce in another state whose laws do not
recognize a covenant option.
The primary argument for covenant marriage is that it will strengthen
marriage and lower the divorce rate. Also, that the result may be stronger and
happier marriages since couples will be better prepared for marriage because of
premarital counseling. Another argument for covenant marriage is that a longer
waiting period plus required counseling may increase the chances of a couple
working their problems out and staying married before getting a quick and easy
divorce.

-145-

Opponents of the covenant marriage laws argue that couples may face
social pressure or pressure from members of the clergy to sign covenant
marriage agreements. This is weak because the one place that an emphasis on
life-long commitment should be emphasized is in the church. Clergy should
have more leverage in stressing marriage as covenantal in nature. Other
arguments against covenant marriage include the concern that the restrictions on
divorce could lead to nasty court battles when one spouse wants a divorce and
the other does not. The limited circumstances in which divorce is allowed could
also lead spouses to engage in activities, such as adultery, in order to get a
divorce. Finally, the waiting period and marital counseling required for getting a
divorce may make it difficult for women to leave abusive relationships and
increase their chances of being harmed by their spouse.
DIVORCE BY MUTUAL CONSENT
John Crouch founder and director of Americans for Divorce Reform
resides in Virginia where activists are advocating for divorce reform. The Family
Foundation of Virginia is pushing for changes to the state's no-fault divorce laws.
They intend to lobby the General Assembly to make changes to the existing
divorce laws. They are proposing what would be an enormous modification to
no-fault divorce which is called "mutual consent" and it applied to families who
have children under the age of 18. In a nutshell it completely dismantles
unilateral, no-fault divorce by giving the other spouse the ability to object or put
another way, a divorce may be granted only if both parties "agree" to the divorce.

-146The primary concern with no-fault divorce is that in reality it is "Unilateral

Divorce," which wipes out the Constitution's guarantee of due process. What
mutual consent would accomplish is that no longer could a married parent
unilaterally walk away from a marriage with often devastating consequences for
spouse and children. Mutual consent divorce would not apply in cases of
domestic abuse or cruelty, or for childless couples.
These are two viable options for the reform of divorce laws as we begin a
new century. Certainly the church may not want to become involved in lobbying
for changes in civil laws. She might, however, be interested in knowing what is
happening so as to approach this issue from a proactive stance instead of a
reactive one.
While no-fault divorce is a large piece to this puzzle, it is not the only
piece. Other areas of research which might provide a more comprehensive
understanding of how this problem developed would include studies on radical
individualism, the changing roles of women in marriage and the workplace,
extreme changes in expectations and roles of marriage, and cohabitation and
how the church has reacted to it and will continue to react in the future.
Researchers have surmised that there is less and less confidence in the
institution of marriage. A thorough study of all the components which impact this
problem would only bring about greater understanding and a more focused
course of action.

-147-

APPENDIX A

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APPENDIX B
COPY OF CONSENT FORM FOR CASE STUDIES

Consent Form
I give permission for Jan Murphy to use my case study anonymously in her
dissertation at Anderson University School of Theology and in any writing that
may develop from that dissertation.

Name

Date

Witness

-150APPENDIX C
An Overview of Marriage Savers
by Michael J. McManus
President, Marriage Savers
The Disintegration of Marriage
The central domestic problem of our time is the disintegration of marriage. The
9/11 act of terrorism killed 3,000 people. However since 9/11 there have been 4
million divorces involving 4 million children. That is 1,333 times worse. Yet
this tragedy received no public notice. There are four elements of the marriage
crisis:
Marriage: The marriage rate has plunged 48% since 1970.[TJ If the same
percentage of couples were marrying now as in 1970, there would be a million
more marriages a y e a r - 3.3 million marriages, not 2.2 million. The percent of
never-married 30-44 year-olds tripled from 14% to 44%.
Divorce: Half of all new marriages end in divorce. There have been 38 million
divorces since 1970 hurting 35 million children. One quarter of all adults age 1835 have grown up in divorced families.
Cohabitation: The number of unmarried couples living together has soared 12fold from 430,000 in 1960 to 5 million now.[2] There are only 2.2 million
marriages a year. Thus, cohabitation has become the dominant way malefemale unions are formed. Those who marry after living together are 50% more
likely to divorce than those who did not.
Unwed births: Out-of wedlock births jumped from 5.3% to 34.6% or from
224,000 to 1.4 million children from 1960-2003. Cohabiting couples are as likely
to have a child under 18 as married couples (42% vs. 45%).
The Legacy of Divorce
Each divorce is the destruction of a small civilization. Children of divorce are
three times as likely as those from intact homes to be expelled or to have a baby
as a teenager, five times as apt to live in poverty and are 12 times more likely to
be incarcerated according to the Heritage Foundation.
More disturbing, when children of divorce reach adulthood, only 60% marry and
they are more likely to divorce.{3] Even those who avoid calamity find that their
structure of childhood itself is inextricably altered by their parents divorce leaving
them with feelings of loss and loneliness, reports Elizabeth Marquardt in her
2005 book, Between Two Worlds. "Kids with divorced parents are kicked back
and forth like a football," she writes. "Growing up in two worlds creates endless
and often painful complications for a child."

-151Nor is divorce good for adults. Divorced men are twice as likely to die in any
given year as married men of heart disease, stroke, hypertension or cancer, four
times as apt to die in accidents, seven times higher by cirrhosis of the liver and
pneumonia, 8-fold greater by murder. Married men live ten years longer than
divorced men.[4J Divorced women also live shorter lives.
Houses of worship are responsible in part for this failure. They marry 86% of
Americans reports a Hart Poll, but not well. Pollster George Barna estimates that
39% of Protestants have divorced, more than the 37% divorce rate of atheists
and agnostics. And 35% of born-again Americans have divorced. In fact, 23% of
bom-again Christians have divorced twice! Among Pentecostals, the figure is
42% (but only 25% among Catholics). Sadly, many churches, are "wedding
factories."
The Community Marriage Policy
Marriage Savers has developed proven alternatives to these trends. We have
helped the clergy of 197 cities and towns (by 10/05) to adopt a Community
Marriage Policy with the goal to "radically reduce the divorce rate in area
churches," as Modesto, CA, pastors put it in the first covenant in 1986. Clergy
join together across denominational and racial lines and sign a covenant to make
healthy marriages a priority in their congregations. Specifically, in Community
Marriage Policies, religious leaders pledge to train Mentor Couples to help
other couples at every stage of the marital life cycle to achieve six great goals:
1. Avoid a bad marriage before it begins by administering a premarital
inventory to give couples an objective view of their relational strengths and areas
for growth. Approximately 10% of couples who take an inventory decide not to
marry. Studies indicate that those who break an engagement have the same
scores as those who marry and later divorce. They have avoided a bad marriage
before it begins.
2. Give "marriage insurance" to the engaged a 95% guarantee that their
marriage will go the distance. In the church of Mike & Harriet McManus, of 302
couples who prepared for marriage from 1992-2000, 21 dropped out of the
course, mostly to break up. Another 34 couples completed the process, and
decided not to marry. That's more than 50 couples who decided NOT to marry is a high 18% dropout rate. However, of those couples who did marry, there have
been only seven divorces. That's a 3% failure rate -or a 97% success rate
over a decade. [5] Other churches have performed even better, with no divorces
in 4-6 years.
3. Enrich all existing marriages by conducting an annual week-end event at
the church, using a marital inventory, speakers, or videos.

-1524. Restore four out of five troubled marriages with trained "back-from-thebrink couples" (whose own marriages once nearly failed) to mentor couples
currently in crisis. A couple nearly driven apart by adultery who survived has
something to say to a couple in a crisis over adultery.
5. Reconcile the separated using a self-guided workbook course, "Reconciling
God's Way." A same gender Support Partner meets with the spouse trying to
save their marriage for 12 weeks. Reconciling God's Way heals more than half of
the separated.
6. Help stepfamilies succeed by creating "Stepfamily Support Groups" that give
couples with children from a previous marriage a place and a plan to learn how
to be successful parents and partners. Instead of losing 70% of stepparents to
divorce, this program saves 80% of remarriages.
Results of Community Marriage Policies
However, if churches work together to reduce divorce, they are able to do so. A
major study was released Spring, 2004, at the National Press Club with evidence
from 114 cities that if clergy cooperate across denominational lines with a
strategy to reduce the divorce rate - they are able to do so. The study,
Assessing the Impact of Community Marriage Policies on U.S. County
Divorce Rates by the Institute for Research and Evaluation of Salt Lake City,
cites a 2003 poll by Peter Hart indicating that 86% of weddings are performed by
pastors, priests and rabbis.{6] Gallup reports that 70% of couples are members
of a church or synagogue and that 43% attend in any given week. However,
while organized religion has access to most couples, the United States has the
world's highest divorce rate.
The Institute examined the impact of 114 Community Marriage Policies
(CMP's) in 122 counties that were signed by 2000. U.S. divorce rates have been
declining slightly. Therefore, the Institute developed two ways to take the U.S.
decline into account:
1. Before and After Comparison: It measured the annual decline of the divorce
rate in CMP counties for five years before clergy signed the CMP covenant,
compared to what happened after the CMP was signed. In fact, the divorce
decline "accelerated" to fall "almost twice as fast on average, as before the
Community Marriage Policies were signed." CMP county divorce rates declined
by 1.4% a year before the CMP Policy was signed, and by 2.3% a year
afterwards.
2. CMP Counties vs. Comparison Counties: The Institute then compared the
results of CMP counties with comparison counties in each state whose divorce
rate decline was virtually the same before the signing, but which did not sign a
CMP covenant. The Institute also found counties in each state whose divorce
rates were falling about the same before the CMP was signed. Comparison
counties declined by 2.1% prior to the signing year compared to only a 1%

-153decline afterwards. The difference in these two rates of decline is that CMP
counties enjoyed a 2% greater decline in the divorce rate per year than did
the comparison counties.
These numbers were projected for seven years, because of the varying years
that CMPs were agreed upon. Divorce rates in cities or counties without a CMP
fell by 9.4% over seven years, while those with a Community Marriage Policy fell
by 17.5% on average. Thus, CMP divorce rates fell at nearly twice that of paired
cities. Divorce rates plunged by 48% or more in seven cities such as Austin and
El Paso, TX, Kansas City, MO, Modesto, CA, and Salem, OR.
Deck Stacked Against Any Results: At the press conference, Dr. Stan Weed,
President of the Institute for Research and Evaluation, said, "The results are
important, not because of their magnitude, which is modest, but because there
are any results at all. The deck was stacked against finding a program effect.
Community Marriage Policies depend on local volunteers of varying degrees of
motivation, commitment and ability and with high turnover. There's wide variation
in program implementation. The proportion of signed congregations is often
small, while the data is countywide. Serious training of mentor couples began in
1998. Under these conditions, finding a significant program effect is actually
pretty surprising." Weed estimated that in the 114 cities "about 31,000 divorces
were averted and that is a conservative estimate. It is not at all unreasonable to
say there were 50,000." However, his paper published in "Family Relations" uses
the more conservative figure of 31,000 averted divorces.
Cohabitation Rates Fall in CMP cities: One other significant finding of the
study is that counties with Community Marriage Policies were able to reduce
their cohabitation rates, while they rose in comparison counties. From 19902000, cohabitation rates fell by 13.4% in cities with Community Marriage
Policies while they increased by 19.2% in comparison counties.
David Blankenhorn of the Institute of American Values hosting the press
conference, asserted, "This is the first national study which has shown us with
hard evidence that the programs are having the desired effect of strengthening
marriage and lowering the divorce rate."
Dr. Wade Horn, HHS Assistant Secretary, added, "One criticism of the
President's "Healthy Marriage Initiative" is that there's no evidence that this will
actually work. This study addresses that question. The fact that they found effect
for a program that had variable implementation is nothing short of extraordinary.
And this happened not in one or two cities, but in more than 100 cities."
Diane Sollee, Director of Smart Marriages, and the former Associate Director of
the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy, told reporters, "I
come out of what I call the therapy industry. As therapy grew in power and
acceptance in 60s, 70s, and 80s, we took marriage away from congregations
and the community. Sophisticated clergy persons knew that if a couple is having

-154trouble, they should refer them out to the experts. This research and this
Community Marriage Policy program with Marriage Savers churches shows
how important it is to put marriages back into the churches and the communities
who can take better care of them."
The Core Answer: The Mentor Couple
How are these communities reducing their divorce rates? Marriage Savers offers
a core solution that can be implemented by any church, synagogue or mosque.
As noted above:
In every congregation there are couples in healthy marriages who could be
helpful to other couples, but have never been invited, inspired or trained to
do so.
Why are Mentor Couples able to save 80% to 90% of the worst marriages when
therapists save less than 20% according to Consumer Reports? The major
reason marriages fail is selfishness, while selflessness makes the best ones
joyous. How do you move a couple from selfishness to selflessness? It requires
a moral choice, not therapy. Each spouse can choose to be less selfish. How?
We think the best motivator is a walking parable of a couple who has done it, a
"back-from-the-brink couple," in which one person has recovered from
alcoholism, for example, meeting with a couple in crisis over the excesses of
drinking. Couple A can say, "We know alcoholism can destroy a marriage. It
nearly killed ours. But Bill became a member of AA, and I joined Al-Anon. We
can testify that alcoholism can be controlled. We have done it. You can too. Let
us tell you our story and pray with you about this."
Marriage Savers shows how to recruit and train those mentors who can save up
to 9 out of 10 troubled marriages. These couples are an untapped resource of
marital knowledge. Some have survived crises such as alcoholism, abuse, or
infidelity. Others have successfully transformed a stepfamily into a blended
family. Many exemplary marriages have gone the distance without major crises.
But the wisdom of all of these couples lays dormant in most congregations.
Marriage Savers trains couples in healthy marriages to be Mentor Couples to
help other couples create stable relationships at every stage of the marital life
cycle. Following is how Mentors prepare couples for marriage:
A. The Inventory:
Mentors administer the FOCCUS premarital inventory which includes up to 189
relational issues to discuss. The engaged couple agrees or disagrees with
statements such as:

-155 At times I am concerned about the silent treatment I get from my future spouse.
I am concerned that my future spouse sometimes spends money foolishly.
The inventory gives a premarital couple an opportunity to talk about issues they
didn't know they needed to discuss. The inventory results are a bridge across the
generations, giving the Mentor Couple specific issues that the young couple
needs to discuss and a rare opportunity for the Mentors to pass on the wisdom
that has made their marriage successful. Mentors might say, "The silent
treatment does not work in a marriage; it provokes needless anger." Or "Neither
of us will spend more than $100 without consulting the other."
B. Couple Exercises:
Trained Mentors also administer up to 18 exercises to help couples prepare a
budget, improve communication and conflict resolution skills, and set personal
and couple goals. Also included is an "Optional Premarital Sexual Covenant," an
opportunity for premarital couples to pledge chastity until their wedding. Of 52
couples mentored by Mike & Harriet McManus, only 7 were chaste. Of the
remaining 45, 43 signed the Covenant, promising abstinence and accountability
to their Mentors. Results: The mentorees all agreed that their communication
improved and their respect for each other increased. Of the 52 couples, 9 chose
not to marry. But we do not know of any divorces of the rest, though one is now
experiencing problems.
C. Cohabitation:
More than half of couples marrying are living together. Cohabitation is a major
engine of unstable marriages, divorce, and a declining marriage rate. As
cohabitation has soared 10-fold since 1970, the number of never-married
Americans has increased from 21 million to 52 million. It's no wonder the
marriage rate has fallen 48%. Furthermore, couples who cohabit are 50% more
likely to divorce than those who never live together.
Marriage Savers has created unique resources to address this problem in a
positive way. A new section of our Marriage Savers Mentors' Guide gives
Mentors valuable information to pass on to cohabiting couples regarding the
risks they are courting. Suggestions on how clergy might handle this sensitive
subject are outlined. Special exercises unique to living together couples are
included. Using these materials with mentorees can reduce the likelihood of
divorce and increase the probability of marital stability. Mentors are also
equipped with how they might persuade couples to move apart, reducing conflict,
aligning their relationship with God's will, and giving them a fresh beginning at
their wedding.
D. Increasing Marriage Rates
Finally, cities with Community Marriage Policies are beginning to see their

-156marriage rates rise. In Evansville, IN, for example, the divorce rate began
declining shortly after the Community Marriage Policy was signed in 1996, falling
11.6% through 2004. However, the marriage rate remained flat through 2003, but
then jumped in 2004 by 28% from 1,105 marriages in 2003 to 1,417. In Dalton,
GA, a Community Marriage Policy signed in January, 2003, sparked a 29%
increase in the marriage rate in 2004-2005 compared with 2000-2002.
Marriage Savers Congregations Virtually Eliminate Divorce
What's most important to individual pastors and couples is that divorce can be
virtually eliminated in the local church. In 2002-3 ten churches received
"Marriage Savers Congregation Awards" because they had a total of only about
one divorce each in 4-7 years! Four of the churches have 1,000 or more
members. How is this possible? Marriage Savers Congregations have
implemented all of the reforms outlined above and have Mentor Couples working
at every stage of marriage. The Mentors have virtually created a "safety net"
under every marriage. Examples:
1. Killearn United Methodist Church, the largest Protestant church in
Tallahassee with 3,000 members, has prepared nearly 150 couples for marriage
since 1999, and it has worked with 30 couples whose marriages were headed
toward divorce. None of those premarital or troubled marriages have divorced.
Furthermore, Richard Albertson, who inspired this Marriage Savers
Congregation, created a Tallahassee Community Marriage Policy that pushed
down citywide divorces by 13% in only three years - 10 times the divorce drop in
similar cities. (850 668-3700)
2. Christ Lutheran Church in Overland Park, KS, with 1,300 members, has
prepared 35 couples for marriage since 1996 and worked with more than a
dozen couples in crisis. Again, there have been no divorces of those couples
who have been mentored by this Missouri Synod Lutheran Church thanks to
Pastor Jeff Meyers (913 345-9700)
3. Bread of Life Church is 10 miles away in the ghetto of Kansas City, KS. With
140 members, Pastor LeRoy Sullivan first enriched the marriages of eight Mentor
Couples, who then enthusiastically helped seven couples prepare for marriage,
none of whom have divorced. They also worked with three troubled marriages,
losing one to divorce. Equally important, Pastor Sullivan challenged seven
couples who were living together to marry or move apart. He hesitated to do so
since most were tithers. "My biggest sinners were my biggest givers," he
observed. Remarkably, five couples did marry and two separated. That
transformed this inner city church from mostly women and children to couples
and children. (913 371-5433 or 816 803-6771)

-157Helping Unwed Couples To Consider Marriage

Finally, Marriage Savers has developed a strategy to persuade unwed couples
with children to consider marriage. We applied for and won a $49,000 federal
grant awarded in July, 2004, (a sub-award from the Compassion Capital Fund
administered by intermediary agency, Institute for Youth Development) to work
with Clark County Department of Job and Family Services (DJFS), a TANF
agency in Springfield, Ohio, and Child, Inc., a Head Start program in Austin,
Texas. Social workers of both agencies helped Marriage Savers develop new
materials to reach unwed couples having children. These materials include:
1. The Abridged Edition of the FOCCUS premarital inventory is written in 3rd
grade English with only 91 items vs. 156 items in the FOCCUS described above.
An example of how the inventory items were revised:
I am concerned that my future spouse sometimes gives me the silent treatment.
Sometimes my partner stops talking to me and I don't like this.
2. Brochures were written with social workers that present the benefits of
marriage for parents and their new child. For example, it notes that "Married men
live ten years longer than single men."
3. A "Handbook to FOCCUS: a Premarital Inventory" includes a "script" for
how to bring up the "M" word with unwed parents, using the brochures. It also
includes a series of exercises to help couples develop skills of communication
and conflict resolution to build and sustain a healthy relationship. Approximately
40 couples participated in this program in Springfield, OH, and in Austin, TX. Ten
couples completed the process. Of those, two have already married and 6-8
others are likely to do so, perhaps 20% of the original group.
The goal is to help unwed couples with a new child, or who are pregnant,
improve the quality of their relationship to the point that they want to marry. We
presented this thesis to the directors of a score of Pregnancy Resource Centers
at the Care Net national convention in September, 2005. Specifically, we
suggested that the female volunteers who meet with pregnant women, be trained
with their husbands to be a Mentor Couple who might offer to mentor the unwed
couple, using FOCCUS and our exercises. We trained PRC directors to train
mentors. Several gave a response like this: "My husband and I will have a better
marriage (more enriched) as we practice to be mentors."
In 2001, Harriet and I were given a Smart Marriages Special Impact award "In
appreciation for your Community Marriage Policies, Marriage Savers
Congregations and Mentor Couple Programs that have shown the way to
strengthen marriages couple by couple, congregation by congregation and
community by community."
That is exactly what we are trying to do.

-1581. See Marriage Insurance for Premarital Couples, by Michael J. McManus and
Catherine Latimer, a paper on the website, www.marriaqesavers.org.
2. The State of Our Unions 2005,The Social Health of Marriage in America, The
National Marriage Project by David Popenow and Barbara Dafoe Whitehead.
3. Ibid.
4. Judith Wallerstein, Julia Lewis and Sandra Blakeslee, The Unexpected
Legacy of Divorce, Hyperion, New York, 2000.
5. Linda Waite & Maggie Gallagher, The Case for Marriage: Why Married People
Are Happier, Healthier, and Better Off Financially, Doubleday, New York, 2000.
6. Paul James Birch, Stan E. Weed and Joseph Olsen, "Assessing the Impact of
Community Marriage Policies on County Divorce Rates, Family Relations,
October, 2004, Vol. 53, No.5.

-159APPENDIX D
COMMENTARY BY CHURCH LEADERSHIP

What Church Leaders Said

Survey Results - 2006
What are your thoughts on divorce in the church?
It's wrong and sinful, but I don't believe it's the unpardonable sin unless
the parties involved refuse to seek forgiveness of God. Sinning is wrong, but a
broken spirit and a contrite heart God will not despise (Psalm 51:17). We must
be intolerant of the sin, not the sinner. The post modern culture doesn't want to
know or follow the meaning and understanding of a covenant relationship (a
commitment to another person without strings attached no matter what) which is
what marriage is. For a married couple, our relationship with Christ is evident in
our relationship with our spouse!
Furthermore, the church's role should be to "model" this "covenant
relationship" especially through the leadership of the church but also through all
believers. Due to the many divorces among ministers, the model has been
destroyed.
The church should reinforce biblical teachings on marriage and divorce
and continue to stress the importance of "commitment" in a marriage.
Someone has to reject Christ's teaching for divorce to take place. So
ends a Christian marriage but before a Christian relationship with the savior.
Teaching the truth- which is faith in Christ will make you happy above what the
world can give. Faith in Christ and what that means.
Submission and faith in Christ. He takes care of us in the long run.
Divorce is not the sin that will keep us out leadership. But if occurs while in
leadership it could stop ministry which it should in some cases. There many
different reasons . Divorce happens before salvation? Or did the other person up
and leave? Divorce is very wrong from a child place it hurt him for the rest of his
or her life.
We need to continue to stress the seriousness of marriage within our
congregations, but there needs to be more celebrating of lasting marriages,
rather than fighting the negative, lets continue to hold out the positive example:
people imitate what we celebrate, in our culture/media, we see passion, self, and
lust celebrated, and as a result it is continually imitated. We need to hold up
anniversaries, particularly milestones of 5 and ten year increments for the whole

-160congregation as a model, we need to encourage testimonies of faithfulness and

dedication to family, in this way, the light of true, lasting love will begin to push
back the shadows that have been filling our churches.
It is devastating to the family and the church family. But where else do
they have more support and love than the church. Numbers of divorce has
increased among Christians, but there are still many more staying married for
life. The church needs to make every effort to insure that families stay together.
The church and pastors are fundamental first line defenders of marriage
as the foundational building block of families and ultimately community and
society at large. That responsibility is paramount to the development of a healthy
community. The church must realize that their influence extends beyond the
walls of church building. Issues of homelessness and hunger have long been
embraced by the faith community a social issues that they can make a difference
in and help change. It is time that the issue of divorce and healthy relationships
be as actively pursued. As we carry out the battle to win souls to Christ we must
realize that people who have not experienced positive healthy relationships
within their families are handicapped at developing a healthy relationship with
their savior. Actively pursuing the development of healthy relationships within the
community at large not only combats the social disadvantages propagated by the
tragedy of divorce it prepares individuals for the ultimate relationship with Christ.
Divorce is damaging to the family and to peoples relationship with the
church. There should be counseling available to couples considering divorce to
find a way to reconcile.
I was raised in the ChoG and am now a licensed pastor, yet in the 40 yrs
of consciousness (teen yrs and on) I have never known of Matt 18:15 being used
to handle problems. You can't tell me in all my years that I would not hear of one
instance of a problem going to the Church (wow, what Godly people, everything
was solved on the 2nd step!?! In seeing the state of families and some ministries
and church splits, I would have to say "hogwash"). We do not have the structure
to support the phrase, "the Bible is our rule of faith" -- maybe faith, but not
practice. To whom would you take a 3rd step of Matt 18:15? The crowd that
meets the bylaw criteria of 16yrs old, 6mos attendance and silently affirms their
relationship with Christ; this body could then be made up of several (51%
maybe) who would give the issue no more thought (or prayer, or fasting) than
they gave the socks they are wearing. Do you see my point?
I am greatly disturbed that the church doesn't do any better than the
world in this area. In general the church doesn't empower families with tools to
survive the challenges of marriage (good premarital work, conflict skills, etc) I
think we have to get very practical with our members. I also believe we need to
have a higher standard around the eternal nature of the marriage covenant.

-161I feel that divorce is NOT the unforgivable sin and that we should NOT
treat those as such but that we should try our best to encourage couples to
honor their wedding vows and as long as a person is not being abused mentally
or physically, but if that person still gets a divorce we need to love that person
unconditionally.
It is a repeating problem in the church and society. I have found that
many do not truly understand the seriousness of the marriage covenant between
a man and a woman (I do not acknowledge same-sex marriages!). It is well
documented that over 60% of marriages in the church end in divorce and I
believe that it's due to the selfishness that prevails in our world today, also, the
attack of the devil on the whole institution of marriage. Those of us who know
what the Word says knows that the spiritual warfare against the church has
greatly increased in the last 30-40 years. It is very important that we continue to
work on our marriages everyday or they will fall apart.
The church's role is one that should be the standard; not following with the
times, but consistent with the teachings of Jesus. Marriage is an institution
ordained by God and when done according to His commandments, it is blessed.
Our society does not teach anything about commitment and the church does.
People want the easy way for everything; no sticking together thru thick and thin,
I want what I want and that's it. There's no talk of coming together, only, "He's
my baby's daddy!!!!"
When I came to the church, there were at least four couples in which
one or both had been apart of a divorce. I have two couples now who are in
leadership positions who have divorced, remarried, and get along fine with each
other. Our congregation is small to the point where I need them to serve and
they are willing to do so. People who have gone thru this have to have a place to
come where they can be healed and set free in the name of Jesus.
I believe that divorce anywhere is a very serious problem and Christians
should take a stand against the evil that often is done through it. However, I
believe that Christians need to love and support those going through divorce.
Christians need to teach the need of good family relationships, love and
support for all in the family. Teach the harm done in lives of those that have gone
through divorce. Show family members how to overcome the problems they
often face in marriage.
Let's strike out against the sin that causes divorce and love those that
are caught up in it. I truly believe that as the family goes so goes the church. If
we fail in growing strong families we will fail to have a strong and healthy church.

-162Generally, I feel the church has lost the "long view" of marriage and the
understanding that many of the issues that arise in marriages are normal and
can be worked through. However, without the "long view" many times the effort to
work through issues will not be made. We have also generally done a poor job of
pre-marital counseling. Not enough of our churches offer dynamic, quality
classes for married couples so they can recognize threats to their marriage
before they happen, not just after-the-fact. In addition to teaching/preaching
about the Biblical position on divorce, we should be counseling earlier, preengagement. Couples mentoring programs should be started prior to marriage.
More quality classes, as referenced previously, for married couples.
I believe God intended marriage for a lifetime. Divorce breaks the family
unit and damages the members. It also has a negative effect on the family of
faith. Divorce is a lack of love, not emotional but a love of choice. Choosing to
love someone is to lookout for their best interest and surrendering your desires
for their benefit. Divorce in the church is a sign of the lack of love. Proper love is
most often not taught in our churches today.
The role of the church is to teach the love of God for a sinful humanity. If
this message is not taught people will not come face to face with the real issue in
their life that effects the lives of those around them, that is their sinfulness and
separation from God. This may sound simple and trite but it is a foundational
point that is all too often being missed today. The battle of the church is for the
heart and minds of people. If the heart and mind is changed through a salvation
experience then there is hope for the divorce rate within and without of the
church. Nothing much will change until the pastors and preachers of the church
return to the foundational message of sin and salvation.
There should be vigorous educational/scriptural teaching from Anderson,
about divorce, There are so many diverse opinions from so many senior pastors
about this subject.
Issues with divorce begin with issues regarding parenting the children
who grow up to believe that divorce is an acceptable option regardless of what
the problems are. As children watch parents who don't communicate well, don't
plan their lives together well, and don't invest in family time well (vacations,
family nights, supporting one another's sporting or musical events) they learn to
see that people can lead separate lives under the same roof.
Curriculum for children that highly esteems marriage and teaches that
marriage is between a man and a woman would be a start. A vital men's ministry

that is intentional about helping men listen and communicate with warmth is
essential. Women seem to naturally develop support and accountability groups.
Men need to be encouraged to do so and must be given the structure in order to
have this kind of experience. When people live in isolation, it is easy to maintain
the "status quo." Date nights sponsored by the church, marriage "health" check
ups with professionals who come in to do weekend retreats, preaching on the

-163value of all relationships, subscriptions to Christian magazines that deal with

marriage and home-related issues . . .
Divorce is hurtful, horrible, and avoidable in many cases. It has become
to some an illusionary way to avoid dealing with problems that continue with
unresolved issues. Many times the most innocent are the very ones hurt the
most because they a re the ones who care. The church should provide loving
concern and compassion for those in pain and not self righteous judgement.
As a child of divorced parents, I have a lot of empathy and grace. On the
other hand, I also know the effects on children-they pay for the divorce in one
way or another. It becomes a part of the child's life FOR life. I believe in not just
preaching "marriage for life" as the Christian goal, but I believe in showing the
"fall out effects" of divorce, both for the adults and for the children. AND I believe
in showing how God's grace can bring healing.
I think the church, in its role to encourage life-long marriages, should: 1.
Model it, beginning with the pastor. If a pastor is divorced, it should be made
plain that life-long marriage is always the goal. 2. The church should help build
strong marriages. This includes being aware of how often church activities
interrupts family life rather than contributing to it. 3. Offer and or refer couples for
counseling. Pastors must realize that they are NOT trained marriage counselors.
We can do short-term counseling, but must also refer couples to professional
Christian marriage counselors. 4. Always do pre-marital counseling, and in that
counseling focus on the divorce if one of the people is divorced-why did it
happen? What did they learn? What can they do differently this time? 5. Be a
listening ear and support for children of divorce. Even as adults they have to still
decide who's parent to go to for which holiday, etc. 6. Encourage couples to
come for counseling BEFORE it becomes a crisis that is often too late for the
pastor to try to help. 7. Preach against the neo-sexual revolution and for marital
faithfulness. I see more casual sex on TV and in the movies now than during the
"sexual revolution" of my day! (I'm a Boomer). One way is by helping the
Millennial realize that life on TV and the movies is not what life is really like. 7. To
express grace and healing to people who are divorced or going through divorce,
and assure them that they are not second-class citizens in the Kingdom.
The bible is clear that it is not God's best plan, but he said that Moses
allowed people to divorce because their hearts were hard. It is not excused on
this basis and Jesus implied that the logic was invalid, however, people do still
have hard hearts and so divorce will continue to happen. The issue is

complicated by the issue of abuse for in many cases abuse is a major factor.
Maiolica's verse about God hates divorce is only a part of the whole verse which
states that he also "hates a man who clothes himself in violence". Thus, even
there it seems to admit that abuse is common in the divorce dilemma. I think
divorce must be taught as something to be discouraged, marriage valued as an
ultimate human covenant, but we must also be graceful to divorced, helping with

-164the grief and the adjustments for the divorced,

[The church should] Require premarital counseling utilizing a well
researched inventory and a thorough process. Work with family organizations to
promote community wide premarital counseling policies. Create ministries of
trained mediation counselors, marriage mentors, and healthy marriage classes,
seminars, and retreats.
I believe that a divorce in a pre-ministry phase of life does not
automatically disqualify someone for ministry. Often through the heartaches of
these events one's soul searching leads them to discover God, and sometimes a
calling to ministry. I believe that there are too many variables to divorce issues to
make blanket statements about the qualification of a category of people who are
divorced. Some situations are based in personality issues and unconquered sin
that should be dealt with as a concern in and of itself not blending or blurring
them into the divorce issue. It is just too complicated to make generalized
statements. We must be people who listen to the story of people's life, and with
discernment grace and wisdom allow what God will allow. While the scriptures
have harsh things to say about divorce and remarriage, and rightly so, it is not
called the unpardonable sin. The question is, when do we pardon this sin?
What do you think the church's role should be in fighting the battle
against divorce? I believe the church's role should be up-front and integral to the
battle against divorce. We must education our members and community about
God's plan for marriage and grounds for divorce. Giving them biblical instructions
on ways to strengthen their marriages and restore relationships that seem
unamenable. It is the church's responsibility to set God's agenda and standards
for the family. We must minister and disciple the whole person as an individual
before they say I do. For if the individual is rooted and grounded in God first then
their marriages will be rooted and grounded in God. Will it be perfect, no but it
have the power to withstand the storms of life.
In my opinion we treat marriage similar to the way we treat salvation. We
give big impressions that salvation at an altar of prayer is the goal not a step into
servanthood to God. We give impression that a wedding is the goal not a step to
serving each other throughout our lives. We give impression that salvation is
God's gift to us but very seldom think about Samuel and Hannah, Hannah gave
Samuel back to God to be used of Him. Unless we raise our children this way
they will serve God for what they can get not how he can minister through them.
Marriage is compared to our relationship to God. Too many go into marriage

same way they go into Christianity. What can I get, not what I can give. Until we
install this in our children we won't see much improvement in marriage nor in
influence of the institution of the church in our world. (39 of 91).
We take divorce in most cases with extreme apathy in my opinion.

-165I believe that we neglect to let God choose our mate. I teach youth to pray
now for their future mate and believe that will alleviate a large percentage of
divorces. As for those who divorce who are in the church
the ones I know of
had a biblical reason.
The church must teach and model unconditional, self-sacrificing love. The
teaching/preaching ministries of the church must emphasize in word and deed
that Christ is to be the center of all Christian relationship and that Christ like love
looks for the best good for the other before one's own self interest. The battle is
over the culture's view of rights and self-interest/self-preservation. The church
and her people must model the selflessness and sacrificial nature of the Gospel
through all her relationships, including marriage relationships. The church also
has the responsibility to teach about grace and the forgiveness of sins. It must
always stand against ostracizing any persons/group of people and should be
offering the healing grace of God to those who are hurting relationally. Those
who are branded with a big "D" because they are divorced are among the
marginalized who need the care and love of the church.
It is an embarrassment to God's people that our divorce rate is essentially
the same as the non-believing world. Couples MUST have pre-marital
preparation prior to marriage and a church MUST have options to strengthen and
restore relationships! The church must be about the "business" of marriage
preparation, enrichment, and restoration. We must also offer concrete recovery
ministries to support those who are divorced. Their children must be supported
as well.
I think that the seeds of divorce are often sown before the ceremony in
terms of preparation, family history, lack of spiritual and physical maturity.
Leaders have to take their own relationships more seriously so they can teach on
it with passion and integrity. Divorce is a reality and the church must care for
those who have been wounded by divorce as well as put in place preventive
measures to discourage and prevent it from happening.
We should refuse to marry couples without providing serious counseling,
not just a 1-3 session pep talk. Maintain the right not to marry couples even after
counseling. Provide classes and workshops that encourage healthy relationships
prior to and after marriage
People have combined their Christianity with the values of the society.
It is not seen as bad in the community, so it is easier to buy into it. Most
Christians do not take their call to holiness seriously, they see it as
unrealistic. Why would God want anyone to live in an unhappy relationship,
they say. Many divorces happen because of the need to be happy now idea
and don't seek out guidance for the relationship in the first place.

-166I think we need to have older couples come along side the younger in a
mentoring relationship. We need to lay out the biblical standards of holiness
in all areas of our lives, not just when it fits us.
The Pastor Prayer Fellowship here in my community asked the
President of the local school district what we could do to help the schools and
the administration raise up good kids, his reply "Keep their parents married."
The secular community, even the public school system, knows one of the
biggest problems our children face today is that moms and dads aren't
together in the home. There may be a body(s) but they become one of many
and the damage that this brings about extends far into the lives of our
children.
What are your thoughts on divorce in the church? double-edged sword,
divorce has become too easy in church. At the same time there are many
factors that lead to divorce & not expressed in the biblical text. Those things
must be considered. Divorce has also been taught incorrectly in church &
most of us are confused. Consequently, divorcees become throwalways/outcasts in the church. There are conditions although "unfortunate"
where divorce is prescriptively & descriptively permissible and perhaps even
necessary. There are also things such as redemption, forgiveness, &
reconciliation that must come into play, as well as looking at the fact that the
text itself is seen mostly from a patriarchal point of view.
I don't believe the problem of divorce will ever disappear. More
marriage counseling, more marriage retreats aren't going to solve anything. I
think we need a "hospice marriage" program for people who are thinking
about divorce. They need to be surrounded by a skilled group of loving
people who will either help their marriage get better (10% of hospice people
get better and live healthy and productive lives) or help it die gracefully.
I believe too many pastors do not have firm convictions themselves
about divorce which causes them to be lax on teaching it and preaching it. I
also believe some extreme right wingers along the way have made it to be
the unpardonable sin when in fact it is not. The weight is great on today's
pastors but many may buckle, I fear, under the pressure to lead correctly in
this issue.
Divorce is to easily thought of or sought by today young couples. No
one seems will to work through the hard times. I do believe it is to easily
obtained. We must continued preaching, teaching, counseling that divorce is
not the solution. I believe the church most also stress marriage and family.
And we must stress the importance of working through hard times.
There needs to be more frank exchange among ministers about
problematic cases. So far as I know there is considerable divergence of
opinion among our ministers regarding divorce and remarriage. We have

-167published some books that have dealt with the subject in the past. I think the
subject needs to be revisited.
The church should be pro active in supporting the family at all levels.
The church needs to fight the battle against all forms of ungodliness, and of
course that includes divorce. When and if a Christian couple finds themselves
on the brink of divorce, one may note that one or both are not living up to the
precepts of God. Paul instructed us to count everyone as more important
than ourselves. In a "brink of divorce" situation, that is not the case.
Divorce is one of the great sins of the present day among Christian
people. We have taught that grace is all inclusive, and that God will always
forgive. We have permitted people to feel that they can divorce for any and
every reason and then ask for forgiveness afterward. Divorce just does not
seem like anything very important to most people in the church. This is a tragedy.
This problem is systemic in its origin, and will not be readily resolved in
cause and effect thinking. Systemic change - how do we introduce it? Let me
know your suggestions.
Lack of faithfulness, self-centeredness, high sexualization, little
commitment, cyber realities, instant gratification, and the move toward
'seeker sensitivity' has made the walk of faith and holiness very uncertain and
foggy in many areas of the American believer's life. Marriages take a big hit.
Churches striving to be welcoming and understanding find it hard to take a
clear stance. Pastor's don't take the opportunity to fight that front very often,
(self included) So marriages are struggling in the church and the rate reflects
that of the world or higher.
What do you think the church's role should be in fighting the battle
against divorce? wish I knew. I believe that an atmosphere of authenticity and
accountability where people get a chance to be real and support one another
through struggle and temptation would keep many from the death of their
relationships. There seems to be very few relational skills today too. Maybe
we should just teach some plain relational/social skills? Comments: Hope
you received some answers from some brilliant folk. If you do, send them my
way!
Divorce rates have been higher in the church than in the secular world
for years. We just don't as Christians believe in the sanctity of marriage as we
once did. Our role is to continue teaching that divorce is a deadly sin.
Unfortunately, local pastors voice on this subject is not heeded very much.
In the Post-Modern world individuals are encouraged to think of
themselves in all situations. I would venture an opinion that most divorces are
driven by selfishness. People want out of the marriage due to "it" not working
out, physical attraction to others not their spouse, etc. Here want I see; just

-168like anything your attitude/heart is the deciding factor. If a spouse is

physically/emotionally abusive, then would God want them to continue in the
marriage? Children learn the behaviors of their parents; therefore it is not a
great stretch to see the behavior perpetuated in the next generation.
Destructive cycles need to be broken, sometimes divorce is the tool needed. I
shutter each time some "saint" of the church declare divorced individuals to
be "living in sin." If I remember correctly we are not to judge hearts.
Having been through a divorce myself, I had to forgive the church that I
attended at the time for the way they handled the situation. The next thing
was realizing that God might have someone else out there for me and at the
same time knowing that the sin of divorce actually was in the relationship
created by remarrying. God showed me that He would forgive and I am
convinced that He brought my new wife into my life. We have had ministry
opportunities far beyond anything that was ever accomplished during my first
marriage. I have no Biblical proof of this, but I do believe that what was meant
for bad, God has turned for His good.
What do you think the church's role should be in fighting the battle
against divorce? Encourage premarital counsel, encourage marital
mentoring, preach the truth about marriage and divorce, hold the standard
high.
Our church is a church plant (8 years) and has from the beginning
specifically targeted non-Christians. Dealing with divorced people and people
with major marriage problems goes with the territory. I just checked the
church list and 11 of 24 couples or single adults in our church have had a
divorce. Some of those that haven't are struggling to stay together now
(about half). I have three marriage counseling appointments today. Recently I
went through the church list and counted 4 couples of whom I believe have
never had serious marriage problems.
I am generally not a "basher" of the culture and trends etc., however, a
timely example of what the church is up against with the media and cultural
stimulus is "Desperate Housewives." I have never viewed an episode and,
thanks to the advertising trailers, will never do so. It disturbs me that church
members openly discuss having to hurry home so they won't miss the latest
episode. It is our responsibility as pastors and shepherds to lovingly guide our
flock away from this destructive stimulus. It is a daunting task.
We must teach/preach/model and live that marriage is a lifetime
commitmentwe must take away the stigma that marital problems are for
outsiders or that people are "less holy" or "less than" Christians if they have
marital problems...we must create a culture that embraces all and that
marriage struggles are part of the journey - yet we can with the Spirit's power
overcome and seek healing and wholenesseach partner brings a bit of

-169unhealthy to the marriage - if we work on growing in Christ towards health

and wholeness marriages can also survive.

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