Professional Documents
Culture Documents
A DISSERTATION SUBMITTED TO
THE DOCTOR OF MINISTRY STUDIES PROGRAM
IN CANDIDACY FOR THE DEGREE OF
DOCTOR OF MINISTRY
BY
JANET MURPHY
ANDERSON, INDIANA
MARCH 3, 2008
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CONTENTS
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
ABSTRACT
vii
Chapter
INTRODUCTION
10
The Statistics
The Culture of Divorce
The Council on Families in America
2. REVIEW OF LITERATURE
31
63
83
101
117
-in-
134
143
Appendix
A. DATA USE AGREEMENT
147
149
150
159
BIBLIOGRAPHY
170
-IV-
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
I must first of all thank my heavenly father whose unwavering faithfulness
has been my guide. This dissertation/project came together as God has willed it
and I pray that it will be given consideration by his people.
Then I must give credit to my earthly parents, John and Nadine Pietsch,
who have recently celebrated their 61 S T wedding anniversary. Gilbert Stafford
once told me that my parents were noble people. He did not know the half of it.
They are not only noble but Godly, faithful followers of Christ. Every day of my
life they modeled Christlike love and faithfulness. I learned at their feet the
meaning of stable marriage and family. I saw them love and support each other.
I saw my father treat my mother with love and respect. I saw my mother care for
and respect my father. They may never know the legacy they are leaving by
simply living out their Christian marriage in front of me.
Then I must thank my husband, Joe, for his patience with me through this
entire program. I can say with all sincerity that I am who I am today because of
you. Thank you for all the theological discussions which served to sharpen me
and cause me to think and grow. They were not all easy but they were all
meaningful, because in the end I am more grounded as a result of your
influence.
Then I must thank my son, Dan, for being such a blessing to me. Your
passion for aviation at such a young age was one of the most unexpected and
-v-
-VI-
ABSTRACT
DIVORCE AND REMARRIAGE IN THE CHURCH OF GOD
(WITH A SPECIALIZED PLAN OF ACTION)
JANET MURPHY
One can see a radical shift in theological thinking about divorce and
remarriage in the Church of God in the twentieth century. From the first decade
to the last decade of that century the pendulum went from one extreme to the
other. The early pioneers exercised their authority from the Word of God. They
resolved that the issue of divorce and remarriage was a matter which the Bible
directly and adequately addressed. The locus of authority was centered in the
Bible and it was a very rigid code of ethics.
In the early 1970's the introduction of no-fault divorce in America gave
birth to the culture of divorce in which we now live. The church was swept away
by a tidal wave of divorce. As pastors and counselors became increasingly
client-centered (taking a non-directive role), divorce became more about the
individual's needs and less about God's will or creative design. Even though
Church of God writing in the latter twentieth century upholds and affirms
marriage as God's ideal, it seems as though divorce had become a question of
conscience. The locus of authority came to rest with the individual.
There now exists a new generation of the church. This generation has
been shaped by children of divorced parents, by cohabitation, by an increasing
-vii-
-Vlll-
INTRODUCTION
With the staggering statistics on divorce in the church, one might
prematurely fault the church for some kind of failure to teach, or failure to preach,
or failure to uphold a godly standard which has resulted in such a massive
coalescence with the world that it is difficult to distinguish between the two. But
the truth of the matter is that with the onslaught of the culture of divorce, the
church did what the church does, she ministered to hurting people. The church
was caught in the landslide of divorce brought on by the deregulation of divorce
laws in the 1960's. We are dealing with the aftermath of a massive breakdown in
legislation which is threatening the very fabric of the institution of marriage and
family in this country.
The formidable barriers which were once standing in the way of easy
divorce had been removed and the masses had been fed a tale of entitlement
and fulfillment of self, to the exclusion of anyone or anything else. "Between
1969 and 1985 all states enacted some form of no-fault divorce modifying the
traditional fault grounds of adultery, desertion, and cruelty with no-fault grounds,
such as incompatibility or irretrievable breakdown."1 However, no-fault divorce
created many more problems than it had originally set out to resolve. It indirectly
endorsed easy divorce. It encouraged family members to make decisions that
1
Allen M. Parkman, Good Intentions Gone Awry (New York: Rowman & Littlefield
Publishers, Inc., 2000), preface ix.
-1-
-2were not in the best interest of other family members (i.e. the children). It
impoverished many divorced women and the children of divorced parents. It
began a massive erosion of the institution of marriage and family. To sum up the
destruction, it began a snowball effect that this nation (and the church) is still
reeling from in 2008.
The church came behind this massive tidal wave trying to pick up the
pieces of people's lives. What else was she to do? What was in the beginning
an attempt by legislators to deregulate divorce laws so that completely
disintegrated marriages could be more easily attained, became a nightmare. It is
a nightmare for this society, for the institution of marriage and for the church.
"The no-fault divorce laws have had significant, but often subtle and unexpected
effects on individuals and families by dismantling a divorce system that had been
based essentially on the mutual consent of the spouses and replacing it with a
system that permits either spouse to dissolve a marriage unilaterally."2
Today men and women alike can make the unilateral decision to walk out
on a marriage for no reason at all except by the express will of one partner.
Divorce has become the norm and it has become easy. Our society is marked
by growing division, a society of single mothers and vanished fathers, of divided
households and split parenting, and of fractured parent-child bonds and
fragmented families. "How many divorces over how many years can a nation
lbid, 1.
-3sustain without serious damage to its social fabric?"3 Truth be told the damage
has been done. For the past 40+ years children have been schooled in this
culture of divorce. What they have been taught is that families break up,
relationships end, and love is for immediate gratification and certainly does not
last forever. A perception of permanence and trust will continue to erode until
eventually there will exist no assurance in the permanency of marriage or the
confidence to make marriage work.
In trying to help the masses pick up the pieces of their lives after divorce,
the church has inadvertently incorporated the divorce culture into her own
identity. Then the years pass and she has become fused with so many people
who have been divorced that it is no longer a black and white issue but rather a
very confusing one. How does the church address this issue when it is so
rampant even among her own ranks? How does she reestablish a holy standard
for marriage when the breakdown is so severe that the ramifications of divorce
on children will affect her into the future? Is it possible that we have not yet seen
the worst of the divorce culture's effects upon the lineage of the Christian faith?
The Christian community seems to be at a impasse when it comes to
dealing with divorce and remarriage. Charles Colson sums up the situation
accurately when he says, "Their (the local church) response to the decline of
marriage has often been helpless hand-wringing and haranguing against a
decadent culture. Few clergy have been equipped to put the brakes on the
Barbara Dafoe Whitehead, The Divorce Culture (New York: Random House,
1996), 187.
-4destructive trends that have torn marriages apart at ever increasing rates, even
within their own congregations."4
To add insult to injury, struggling through the Christian literature on this
subject is agonizing, hair-splitting and unresolved. There is no agreement.
While many authors argue that the Bible is clear on the matter, the matter is
anything but clear. The dilemma gives new meaning to being unable to see the
forest for the trees. For decades the church has focused so intently upon the
individual "trees" that it has neglected the "forest" (the institution of marriage and
family and its contribution to God's creative purpose) and the forest is dying.
Perhaps the time has come that we approach this dilemma with a new voice and
from a new perspective. Perhaps the time has come where a greater awareness
is necessary in order to approach this issue with greater insight.
In order for the pendulum to come to rest in a more balanced position, the
church must rise up and become a part of the massive efforts to restore
marriage and family to what God originally intended. In order to do this, she
must become fully aware of what has happened in the last fifty years to advance
the divorce culture in which we now live. She must become aware that some of
the problems mentioned herein are prophetic to some degree. Although pastors
may not see the devastating effects of divorce in their churches at this present
time, the devastation will mold generations of people who are currently being
raised up into church leadership. Divorced persons will feel that call to pastoral
Charles Colson and Nancy Pearcey, How Now Shall we Live? (Wheaton,
Illinois: Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., 1999), 326.
-5ministry, can the church deny them? Blended families are fast becoming the
norm. Christians are divorcing multiple times. The ramifications are extensive
and it will take activism rather than passivity in the face of seemingly hopeless
and unstoppable trends. The key word here being seemingly. Raising
consciousness may appear hopeless in the face of such overwhelming odds but
the church has an edge. The church has the blessing of God and the power of
his spirit to guide and empower her. God will bless the efforts of his people and
therein lies her power to change the course of history.
THE PROBLEM
In light of so many varied opinions and interpretations of Scripture
regarding divorce and remarriage among Christians, church leaders are seeking
answers which are doctrinally sound yet merciful when dealing with divorce in
their own congregations. The pendulous reaction of church leadership down
through the ages has swayed from harsh legalism to apparent tolerance and
church leaders are concerned that this tolerance may be more acquiescence
than mercy. Pastors are struggling with practical application of biblical principles
when confronted with divorce and many are uncertain about the direction they
should take.
As divorce reaches epidemic proportions in the Body of Christ, church
leaders are realizing that they have few, if any, concrete answers when it comes
to dealing with this matter. Some feel that the Bible is very clear in its teaching
on divorce and some believe it to be ambiguous. Perhaps what is necessary is
to speak with a new and different voice, one that is biblically grounded yet
Craig Van Gelder, The Essence of the Church (Grand Rapids: Baker Books,
2000), 92.
6
-8addition, this project will identify strategies which will enable the church and her
ministry to take a proactive, yet merciful stance against divorce and in favor of
marriage. The questions on the survey will be evaluated and interpreted and the
most crucial concerns will be addressed. It is intended that this project will begin
to bring the pendulum to a respectable balance of doctrine and grace. It is also
intended that the church will realize new approaches and perhaps speak with a
new and different voice when addressing the concern of divorce and remarriage
in the church.
PROCESS
The process involved petitioning Church Services for permission to obtain
all the e-mail addresses for pastors and associate pastors sorted by state in
order to conduct a stratified random sample survey.7 They uploaded in excess of
3,000 e-mail addresses and sent them to me. After downloading them, five to
seven random addresses were chosen from each state so that all the states
were equally represented. This electronic survey was sent to 332 random
persons who had positions of pastoral leadership in churches of God in the
continental United States and it brought a 29% response rate (97 surveys
returned).
The first mailing was sent on October 16, 2006 and roughly 45 were
returned. The second and final mailing was sent a week later on October 23,
2006 and another 52 were received making a total of 97 responses. This survey
See Appendix A.
CHAPTER ONE
-11random sample of 3,614 adults between January and August 2004. The sample
consisted of 1468 born again Christians and 2,147 non-born again adults and
the study showed that the likelihood of married adults getting divorced is identical
among born again Christians as those who are not born again. "This study also
cited attitudinal data showing that most Americans reject the notion that divorce
is a sin."9
The following summary of the study may be found on the Barna website.
The report is entitled, "Born Again Christians Just as Likely to Divorce As Are
Non-Christians." In the report, George Barna noted that one reason why the
divorce statistic among non-born again adults is not higher is that a larger
proportion of that group cohabits, thus side-stepping marriage (and divorce)
altogether. However, he goes on to say that if the non-born again group were to
marry at the same rate as the born again group, it would be likely that the divorce
statistic might be marginally higher than that among the born again group. This
observation is still a sad commentary on the church.
Barna's report also showed that multiple divorces are common among
born again Christians, to the tune of two or more times. The vast majority of the
respondents to Barna's poll (66%) disagreed with the teaching of Jesus that
divorce was a sin unless adultery was involved. Barna stated that there is no
end in sight regarding divorce. Barna has spoken, there is no end in sight.
The Barna Group, "Born Again Christians Just as Likely to Divorce as are NonChristians," Barna.org [home page on-line]; available from www.barna.org; Internet;
accessed January 14, 2007.
-12Barna's statistics and his commentary raise some very significant questions
regarding the role of the church in affecting the choices of her constituency.
Does the church have a voice or does she feel drawn into the hopelessness to
which Barna seems to allude? In the wake of his statistics, it would almost seem
that there is nothing that can be done, or is there? Shall we continue to create
programs to help people recover from the devastation of divorce yet give so little
attention to prevention? The church has far more leverage and influence in
affecting these issues than she thinks or even knows and she will need to
explore new possibilities and perhaps new strategies in dealing with this
epidemic of divorce. It is the church that shapes and impacts the lives, attitudes,
and spiritual formation of her constituency. Even in the midst of the staggering
statistics, the church's role is indispensable because she is the mouthpiece. In
his book, The Moral Vision of the New Testament, Richard Hayes states it well
when he writes:
In this matter, as in many others, the first great need of the church is
for clear teaching . . . we must proclaim the New Testament's word
on this matter in the regular course of preaching and teaching.
Ministers will frequently avoid these issues in preaching, even when
a text such as Mark 10:2-12 comes up in the lectionary. . . . But
avoidance of the issue merely perpetuates the cycle of
ignorance and unfaithfulness that is undermining marriage in
the church.... we need to start telling the truth about the difficult
challenges of faithful marriage and about marriage as a covenantal
commitment. 10
10
Richard B. Hayes, The Moral Vision of the New Testament (New York:
HarperCollins Publishers, Inc., 1996), 374.
-13The challenge which lies before the church is to find a renewed vision
regarding marriage and the family and as part of that vision to speak and teach
against divorce. This dilemma has insidiously undermined the ideal which God
has set forth in the creation of the family, and in light of the postmodern mindset
which distorts God's ideal, pastors seem to be simply treading water with no
clear conviction of how to deal with this issue in the here and now. Much of the
dilemma for pastors can be summed up in an excerpt by George Ewald:
Prior to the introduction of the no-fault divorce, the church as a
whole dealt with divorce by legislation at their synods and
conferences. Then statistics began to indicate increased divorce
rates.. . .What most of us didn't realize was that the world and,
regretfully, the church's membership were not listening. . . .
Individual Christians and those brought into the church through
conversion were frequently making decisions to divorce for a
variety of personal reasons. The floodgate was open. The clergy
couldn't stop it; all they could do was to respond to it. The big
question was how? If the church is openly receptive to the
remarriage of divorced persons, whether the "innocent" or "guilty"
party, then will it not give the wrong message to its persons?
Should the clergy perform such marriages for divorced persons?
Can the divorced become deacons or elders or Sunday School
workers, or even sing in the choir? These were and still are big
questions on which denominations and individual church boards
have difficulty in making decisions. 11
This excerpt describes the most challenging issue facing the church today
concerning divorce which is how to achieve a harmonious balance of biblical
doctrine and grace. At this time, the church seems to be heavily inclined toward
grace and in need of more practical doctrinal direction. Can exercising grace
ever be lopsided? It can be when we are doing little more than acquiescing to a
11
-14social norm because we lack more solid biblical direction and conviction. As one
respondent to the survey so adequately puts it, "We were perhaps too strict in
the past but the pendulum has swung too far in the other direction." Indeed it
has.
In reading and researching divorce and remarriage in today's Christian
church, there are many books written which seem to be looking for that loophole,
that window through which we can squeeze and somehow escape the teachings
of Jesus. This is more than likely a compensation for the harsh rigidity of the
church toward divorce in past decades. It may also be a response to the present
postmodern mindset of tolerance and political correctness. It could also be
attributed to the fact that pastors and church leaders are dealing with an
outpouring of divorced people and blended families sitting in their pews. But
whatever the reason, today's literature swings too far in the opposite direction to
be credible at times. One author presents a variant reading on Malachi 2:16,
which reads:
This happens to be a verse for which there is a variant reading in
the oldest manuscripts. In that place where the King James text
says, "For the Lord, the God of Israel, saith that he hateth putting
away," the King James margin (which gives the variant reading)
says, "For the Lord, the God of Israel, saith if he hate her, put her
away, . . . "When thou shalt hate her put her away, saith the Lord
the God of Israel". . . . the Targum (in agreement with the
Septuagint version, from which the apostles often quoted) says, "if
thou hate her, divorce her."12
12
Ralph Woodrow, Divorce and Remarriage, What Does the Bible Really Say?
(Palm Springs, California: Ralph Woodrow Evangelistic Association, Inc., 2002), 5.
-15It is true that a document known as the Dead Sea Scroll manuscript 4QXIIa
contains a variant reading of which this author speaks. This reflects the readings
of the Septuagint, the Targum, and the Peshitta, which - rather than prohibiting
divorce - actually encourage it. Yet Kruse-Blinkenberg13 has argued that these
three documents were probably altered to eliminate a supposed contradiction
with Deuteronomy 24:1-4, theorizing that these ancient versions were "corrected
in order to avoid inconsistency with Deuteronomy." The Masoretic Text, which is
the traditional Hebrew Old Testament, contains the reading which has been
adopted by the vast majority of translators which is, "God hates divorce."
The thrust of this passage in Malachi is that God wants to preserve a
godly lineage, not that he is giving instructions upon the correct way to divorce
one's Jewish wife so that he may marry a foreign wife and ultimately worship her
foreign God, thereby corrupting the lineage of a godly people. It would seem that
in a desire to find that loophole, Christians may become guilty of twisting the
Word of God to simply say what we would like it to say. Granted there are
textual problems with the Malachi passage but Ralph Woodrow strongly
contends that:
There are 23,214 verses within the Old Testament. Isn't it strange
that those who suppose God hates all cases of divorce, that all
divorce is sinful, must go through 23,188 verses - clear over to
Malachi 2:16 (with only 26 verses remaining) - in order to find one
verse against divorce! They quote this verse as though it was the
very theme of the Bible. . . . They form dogmatic conclusions on
14
Woodrow, 6.
16
-17in past years. We seem to have swung to the other side of the
issue and taken on a nonchalant view of divorce. We take
divorce in most cases with extreme apathy in my opinion. 16
If anyone questions that the pendulum has swung in the opposite
direction, they only need to read literature written in 1970, 1980 and the early
1990's such as Christian Ethics by Norman Geisler, Divorce and
Remarriage:
It takes
16
"Richard P. Olson and Joe H. Leonard, Jr., A New Day for Family Ministry
(Bethesda, MD: The Alban Institute, Inc., 1996), 26.
-18-
ibid.
19
lbid, 44.
20
21
-20If studies are being conducted which call American institutions to rise up
to the occasion, should not the church be at the forefront? Fagan and Rector
state, "American society, through its institutions, must teach core principles: that
marriage is the best environment in which to raise healthy, happy children who
can achieve their potential and that the family is the most important institution for
social well-being, and to set about the task of rebuilding a culture of family based
on marriage and providing it with all the protections and supports necessary to
make intact marriages commonplace, federal, state and local officials must have
the will to act."22
THE CULTURE OF DIVORCE
Perhaps it is beneficial to understand the postmodern culture which is
infiltrating the church as well as the mindset regarding divorce and remarriage.
Olsen and Leonard state that, "some are now speaking with alarm of a 'culture of
divorce' that has displaced the 'marriage culture' in America."23 They also speak
of the perils of "no-fault" divorce, as do many authors who are raising concerns
about the high divorce rate. They do, however, add a certain spin on the reason
that this society is so eager to divorce. As these two authors reflect on the
deterioration of marriage in this society due to divorce, they ponder the following:
Divorce seems more acceptable [to this generation] than continued
unhappiness. . . . The remarriage rate suggests that there is not
widespread disillusionment with marriage. Rather, divorce is driven
by dissatisfaction with a particular spouse. The tendency to "try, try
22
lbid.
23
24
lbid.
25
-22relationship and can see no end to the unhappiness in which they find
themselves.
THE COUNCIL ON FAMILIES IN AMERICA
In a report by the Council on Families in America, more in-depth insights
into marriage and divorce are presented. The culture of divorce regards
marriage as the problem. This brief excerpt describes the angst in the author's
experience of marriage counseling:
Marriage has come to be regarded as the problem and not the
solution. Marriage, as we are told, is restrictive, confining,
oppressive, and unliberating. The solution, many of us have come
to believe, is the unencumbered life, the life without binding
commitments, the life of new beginnings - a life that can often be
achieved through divorce. In the recent past, divorce was limited to
those marriages which had irreparably broken down, often because
one spouse was seriously pathological or incompetent. Today,
divorce may occur simply because one partner is unhappy or
because a better partner has been located. And given the high
rate of divorce, more and more possible partners are
continually entering the market (emphasis mine).26
This report presents a pattern that much of the church may not see. This
pattern is the impetus of this dissertation and is described in the bold lettering
above. I have had conversations with pastors whereby I was told that nobody
"wants" a divorce. The church seems to be living in the recent past spoken of in
this report (underlined). There was a time when divorce may have happened
only in those marriages that were irreparably broken down. But today, people
27
lbid, 7.
-24This trend in our culture is deafening the call to strengthen marriage and
the family and will do so in the church unless we are vigilant and strive to
maintain proper awareness. This culture of divorce is saturated with writing and
research that clearly presents a bias which is anti-marriage. In the
aforementioned Report to the Nation, it says:
The trend toward a divorce culture is also clearly evident in
academic research and writing. Much of the scholarly discourse on
family issues conducted over the past three decades has contained
a strong anti-marriage bias. Many textbooks written for use in
schools and colleges openly propagandize against any privileged
cultural status for marriage and quite often even against marriage
itself. . . . Our nation's increasingly casual acceptance of
divorce as a normative experience for millions of parents and
children should be a cause for profound alarm, not
resignation, passivity, and excuse-making (emphasis mine).28
Certainly, we need to be alarmed, as a nation and as the church. We all play a
major role in this drama and we must all take the consequences very seriously.
The report goes on to ascertain that as a society we are failing to teach and
provide role modeling to the next generation about the meaning, purpose and
responsibilities of marriage and that if this continues, it will constitute nothing less
than an act of cultural suicide.
WHAT THEN IS THE CHURCH'S ROLE?
In order to restore the institution of marriage to its master format, the
church must reexamine God's original intent for marriage, the family and its role
in forming society. In a book entitled The Essence of the Church, Craig Van
Gelder explains, "Creation design can be defined as what the world was like
Ibid, 9.
-25before sin entered the scene."29 The best way to determine the desire of God for
his creation is to understand his intention for creation before it was disrupted by
sin. Once the entrance of sin created a fallen world, creation design had to be
re-created in order to restore into right relationship that which was broken by sin.
It will be in this creation design that we see God's divine intention for the
family and ultimately for the formation of culture. Van Gelder says, "God created
male and female and it was his intention that they were to find intimacy and
fulfillment in this complementary relationship. . . . God's purpose was to create
communities based on the building block of human families. . . . Humans were to
use both their physical and mental skills to form culture."30 But then sin
happened. And nothing in God's creation design was left undamaged.
When giving thought to the issue of divorce, especially among God's
people, one cannot omit God's original intention. Divorce is a result of
humankind's fallen state and must be seen as such. Divorce does not only put
marriage asunder. It completely disrupts God's creation design all the way from
marriage, to the formation of families, to the formation of culture and back again.
The "circle of life" so to speak, is so affected by divorce that God's creation
design becomes profaned, perpetuating not family, not community, but
brokenness and fragmentation.
-27godly seed."31 This was to be done within the framework of community. The
marital union has a communal dimension and is to be carried out with deference
to the larger community. In the words of Eileen Schuller:
So much in North American society works on the assumption that
marriage and divorce and fidelity within marriage are private
matters of the persons concerned. We are rightly concerned with
the emotions and needs, the freedom and value of the individual.
But in honoring these values, we barely know how then to speak of
a sense of responsibility to a larger community. Particularly today
one rarely discussed aspect of fidelity in marriage is the
service it gives to the whole community of faith and to society
in general as a living embodiment of the ideals of fidelity,
commitment, and steadfastness. Likewise, infidelity, the
failure of a marriage, and divorce are particularly concrete and
visible expressions of a breakdown in these ideals. At some
level, these realities make it more difficult for all of society to
live out the values it recognizes and esteems. It is precisely this
sense of interrelatedness that can lead the community as a whole
to seek concrete ways to affirm, to strengthen, and to support
persons in their efforts to live in faithfulness (emphasis mine).32
It is this interrelatedness that is absent in any society which idolizes
entitlement and individuality over the greater good. Is it too much to expect that
people be cognizant of their contribution and responsibility to the larger
community? Can God's creation design survive without it? As stated above,
marriage is not the only thing put asunder by divorce. The ideals of fidelity,
commitment and steadfastness are broken down not only in the community of
faith, but in all of society as well.
31
Claude A. Ries, "The Book of Malachi," The Wesleyan Bible Commentary, Vol.
3 (Grand Rapids: Wm. B. Eerdmans Publishing Co., 1969), 801.
32
Eileen M. Schuller, "The Book of Malachi," The New Interpreter's Bible: The
Twelve Prophets, vol. 7 (Nashville: Abington Press, 1996), 866.
Scalise, 506.
36
Walter C. Kaiser, Jr., Hard Sayings of the Old Testament (Downers Grove:
InterVarsity Press, 1988), 252.
-29we are paying a high price. It is our responsibility to perpetuate godly seed for a
future holy race, the body of Christ. The community of faith must keep building
and rebuilding itself with godly union and godly seed. Individual entitlement has
no place in the body of Christ. The church today must take its eyes off of
individual entitlement and redirect its gaze to the proliferation of godly seed. One
of the greatest needs in the church today is to preserve the integrity of the family,
for the sake of the church and for its influence in the larger society.
Elizabeth Achtemeier makes the observation that "the Judean's worship
and pleas for help are unacceptable to God because their marital practices are
unacceptable - a view which, if applied to modern society, would call into
question the prayers and petitions of millions of American churchgoers."37 She
goes on to say, "The Lord hates divorce. It is an attitude that God never gets
over, according to the Bible, and yet it is a fact rarely considered by divorcing
persons. Usually they ask all the wrong questions. When a couple is
considering a separation, they are likely to ask, 'Will I be happier?' 'Can I make it
on my own?' 'Will it be better for the children?' rather than, 'What is God's
attitude toward the dissolution of this marriage?'"38 So how can contemporary
Christians enable hurting people to see that there are more important questions
and issues than their own self-interests? How can today's leaders best assist
others in aligning their attitudes and personal practices with their religious
37
-30facades? How can the church program its ministries so that marital relationships
are entered into soberly and are continually strengthened? How can the church
program its ministries so that the development of godly children is supported and
enabled? Finding the answers to all these and many other questions is the
fundamental purpose of this work.
CHAPTER TWO
REVIEW OF LITERATURE
CHRISTIAN LITERATURE
Within the Body of Christ there seems to be very little agreement on the
subject of divorce and remarriage which makes studying Christian literature on
this subject agonizing at times. There seems to be so many differing opinions,
differing perspectives and almost a hair-splitting over who can divorce and who
cannot and over who can remarry and who cannot. The key passages to be
considered are:
Genesis 2:24
Deuteronomy 24:1-4
Malachi 2:10-16
Matthew 5:31-32
Matthew 19:1-12
Mark 10:1-12
Luke 16:18
Romans 7:16
I Corinthians 7:10-15
The antithetical expanse of views on this topic may be found in Divorce
and Remarriage: Four Christian Views by Wayne House, in which the four
views contained within goes from one end of the continuum to the other, in one
book. In the first of the four Christian views, Carl Laney maintains that the Bible
is perfectly clear on the subject; there is to be no divorce and no remarriage.
After reviewing the Old and New Testament passages mentioned above, he
concludes that: God does not command divorce; the only reason it was allowed
in the Old Testament was because of hardness of the heart; the fundamental
-31-
39
-33support to those who are separated or divorced, especially if they are seeking to
live by the ethics of the kingdom as set forth by the teachings of Christ.
The third view is written by Thomas Edgar who claims that there can be
divorce and remarriage for adultery or desertion. He believes the teachings
of Jesus to be clear that there is only one valid reason for divorce and a
subsequent remarriage and that is because of adultery. He bases his argument
on Matthew 19:9 which reads, "I say to you that whoever divorces his wife except
for fornication and marries another commits adultery," which is referred to as the
"exception clause" in the New Testament. He maintains that this verse is quite
clear, the exception is adultery. Then, as his basis for desertion, he uses I
Corinthians 7:15, which reads, "But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A
believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us
to live in peace.(NIV)" He concludes that since the Corinthian passage does not
specifically mention remarriage, it is not clear. He does, however, go on to say
that the most probable meaning is that the deserted spouse may divorce and
remarry.41
The fourth view, written by Larry Richards, is the most liberal position of
the book. He contends that there can be divorce and remarriage for a
variety of circumstances. He bases his viewpoint upon the hardness of heart
which is created by the fall. He develops his theme by asserting that Moses
allowed divorce because God, in grace, had taken the warping of humankind into
Ibid, 151-195.
-34account thus allowing a course of action which went against his own ideal. He
states, "Jesus' statement, and the very existence in the Law of provision for
divorce, should make us hesitate. If God treated human frailty so graciously in
the age of the Law and permitted not only divorce but also subsequent
remarriage, how can we, in this age of grace, treat divorce and remarriage so
legalistically?"42 He goes on to question how we can insist that there is no
rationale for divorce today, since even Jesus recognized hardness of heart as
the rationale for permitting divorce in Old Testament times. Jesus' statement of
God's ideal must not be distorted by Christians. It must not be mistaken as the
pronouncement of a new and higher law.
His conclusion is that the decision to divorce and/or remarry is to be left
up to individual conscience and to be decided between a husband and a wife.
He believes that persons who divorce for any reason do have the right to
remarry. Also, spiritual leaders have no right to tell people whether they can or
cannot divorce or remarry but they do possess the responsibility to give guidance
and help people accept responsibility for the failure of the marriage and to
confess the sin involved. And finally, persons who divorce and remarry have the
right to be fully involved in the life of the church without prejudice. They are to be
encouraged to take a place of service for which their gifts equip them.43
Ibid, 223.
Ibid, 242-243.
-35ls it any wonder that the church has become immobilized in its treatment
of divorce and remarriage? With such diverse views and teachings, all finding
their origin in the Word of God, what is the Body of Christ to conclude? It seems
that what has happened is we have thrown caution to the wind because of so
many differing viewpoints.
Norman Geilser's Christian Ethics, written in 1989, which was at the
height of the divorce revolution, sums up the various views on marriage and
divorce and evaluates the respective positions. He first lays the foundation for
the nature of marriage and contends that there is general agreement among
Christians regarding marriage. It is between one male and one female and
involves sexual rights. It is also a covenantal vow before God to be faithful to
each other because it is a monogamous relationship between one biological
male and one biological female.44
He goes on to say that beyond the above-mentioned points of agreement,
there is little unanimity among Christians. He sums up three basic views and
then evaluates each of them. In summary, he concludes that divorce is never
justifiable, even for adultery. However, while divorce is never justifiable, it is
sometimes permissible and always forgivable. He also contends that those who
recognize the sin of the divorce, and their responsibility for it, should be allowed
to remarry. However, their remarriage should be for life. If they fail in another
marriage then it is indicative of a deeper problem such as being unable to keep a
44
Norman Geisler, Christian Ethics (Grand Rapids: Baker Book House, 1989),
277-280.
45
lbid, 292.
46
178.
47
-37some of the most enduring lessons about life. He contends that working through
marital problems can strengthen not only the marriage but individuals as well.
He does contend that there are extreme cases in which reconciliation will not
happen and that scripture sets forth three such cases. The First uses 2
Corinthians 5:17 as a biblical basis for when the marriage and divorce occurred
prior to salvation. His Second exception uses Matthew 19:9 as a basis when
one's mate is guilty of sexual immorality and is unwilling to repent and live
faithfully with the marriage partner. The Third is taken from I Corinthians 7:15
which states that when one of the mates is an unbeliever and willfully and
permanently deserts the believing partner, the believing spouse is not bound in
such cases. Swindoll closes his chapter with a warning that human beings are
equipped with a remarkable ability to rationalize and this rationalization will cause
us to push in the direction of divorce if we are not careful. He cautions Christians
not to ignore the inner voice of God's Spirit or to violate the scriptures by
rationalizing our way out of the marriage instead of through the difficulty. He
ends his chapter by stating, "There is something much worse than living with a
mate in disharmony. It's living with God in disobedience." 48
One concept which is seen at times throughout the literature is the idea
that God is divorced. According to Jeremiah 3:8, God says, "I gave faithless
Israel her certificate of divorce and sent her away because of all her adulteries."
Jay Adams affirms that, "If God Himself became involved in divorce proceedings
48
-38with Israel, it is surely wrong to condemn any and all divorce out of hand.
Obviously, from this passage it is certain that sometimes, in some ways, divorce,
for some persons, under some circumstances is altogether proper and not the
object of God's hatred."49 Adams' overarching contention is that we must neither
wink at divorce, nor simply denounce it. He maintains that we in the church must
seek to regulate it according to biblical principles. To summarize his stance,
"Divorce: 1) always stems from sin, 2) is not necessarily sinful, 3) always breaks
a marriage, 4) is never necessary among believers, 5) is legitimate on the
grounds of sexual sin, 6) is legitimate when an unbeliever wishes to divorce a
believer, 7) is forgivable when sinful. . . Remarriage: 1) in general, is desirable, 2)
is possible for a divorced person, 3) is possible for a sinfully-divorced person
through forgiveness, 4) is possible only when all biblical obligations have been
met, 5) is possible only when parties are prepared for marriage."50
Yet another author, Walter Callison, in his book, Divorce, A Gift of God's
Love, speaks of the fact that God is divorced as seen in Jeremiah 3. It is as
though this portion of scripture gives an impetus for a stance on divorce that
defies tradition. Certainly, what these authors are resisting is the church's
longstanding rigidity against all divorce and remarriage. He claims, "For
centuries much of the Christian community has interpreted the teachings of
Jesus to say: 1) Divorce is absolutely not permitted, or at best, is permitted only
49
Jay E. Adams, Marriage, Divorce and Remarriage in the Bible (Grand Rapids:
Zondervan Publishing House, 1980), 23.
Ibid, 97-98.
-39in the case of admitted or proven adultery; 2) A divorced person is not allowed to
marry again; 3) A divorced person who does marry again lives in adultery; 4) A
divorced person cannot be ordained as a deacon or a minister."51 He goes on to
say, "Every one of these beliefs could be wrong,"52 then sets out in his book to
prove his point which is that we must move from a judgmental attitude toward
divorced people to a redemptive attitude.
In some of his final chapters, Callison states, "Divorce is not the basic
problem. The problem is that marriages fail."53 It is because of hardness of heart
that they fail but we need divorce for those that do fail. He also maintains that
divorce is the legitimate way out. But he does not speak lightly of the issue of
divorce. Instead, he speaks out against the failure of the church to prepare
couples for marriage through intensive marital counseling. At one point he poses
the question, "Divorce for just any cause? No! Divorce is serious business, but it
was given by God as a humane solution to an intolerable situation, a matter of
grace."54
SUMMARY
It is easy to see in the Christian literature that there is no consensus of
thought regarding divorce and remarriage, even when using the same scriptural
s1
lbid, 10.
53
lbid, 99.
54
lbid, 104.
-40references. It is almost amusing to think that there are those who believe the
Bible to be clear on the subject. The purpose of this review of literature is not to
arrive at a position. Rather, it is to show the wide expanse of differing
interpretations rendered by Christian authors. Who can blame the church for
being confused? The line seems to be drawn between those who take the Bible
literally and those who are driven by compassion and grace.
There seems to be a focus upon the individual in all the Christian literature
as opposed to community. There seems to be very little devoted to the dilemma
of the breakdown of the family and how it affects society at large. There also
seems to be no real awareness that, "In the recent past, divorce was limited to
those marriages which had irreparably broken down, often because one spouse
was seriously pathological or incompetent. Today, divorce may occur simply
because one partner is unhappy or because a better partner has been located."55
Divorce is viewed lightly today, even in the church.
In all the meticulous hairsplitting of scripture, we are getting nowhere for
the dividing line seems to be the letter of the law vs. grace. And in all the
Christian literature there is little, if any, mention of no-fault divorce and how this
has contributed to the dilemma.
LITERATURE OF THE SOCIAL SCIENCES
There has been a rising consciousness among the social sciences of the
culture of divorce and how it has affected society at large through the breakdown
-41of the family since before the turn of the twenty-first century. In 2000, Allen M.
Parkman wrote his second book on the subject, Good Intentions Gone Awry:
No-Fault Divorce and the American Family. He discusses the ways in which
no-fault divorce replaced the traditional fault grounds of adultery, desertion, and
cruelty. He says,
More importantly than the change in the grounds was the impact
that occurred as divorces shifted from being difficult to obtain to
being commonly available to either spouse. . . . I believe that the
weaker commitment of many adults to their families can be traced
to the incentives created by unilateral, no-fault divorce. . . . I
argue that social welfare would be improved by giving couples
greater control over their marriages while making sure that
children's interests are protected. . . . By removing fault and
recognizing the preferences of the parties as preeminent to the
dictates of society, no-fault divorce caused a revolution in the
family law that had existed for most of the history of the United
States.56
Parkman urges the reform of no-fault divorce but realizes that it will continue far
into the future. He stresses that no-fault divorce provides incentives which cause
people to make decisions which are against their own best interest and the best
interest of those they love by making divorce easy and weakening the
commitment to marriage and family.
One of the most informative and insightful books showing how this highdivorce society is creating a low-commitment culture is The Divorce Culture, by
Barbara Dafoe Whitehead. She skillfully brings into focus America's out-ofcontrol divorce rate and how it is corroding our society. Her writing evolves out
of the mid-sixties when expressive divorce - divorce as an individual prerogative
"Whitehead, 3.
58
lbid, 7.
59
lbid, 14.
-44Another such book which has been widely used in marriage education
programs is Fighting for Your Marriage by Howard J. Markman, Scott M.
Stanley, Susan L, Blumberg. 61 The program is more aptly called PREP prevention and relationship enhancement program - and is geared at helping
couples enhance their relationships through education and marriage preparation.
Also included in this literary genre would be The Marriage Mender.
61
63
fault divorce has damaged society as a whole. The institution of marriage has
undergone paramount corrosion in the last forty years not to mention the slow
and agonizing demise of the family. As more and more people become afraid to
risk an investment in the shaky venture of marriage, a larger portion of our
society is now cohabiting. "No-fault divorce has made marriage a less attractive
institution for many people, thereby contributing to numerous recent trends:
fewer people are marrying, more people are living together, and people are
waiting longer before marriage."65
LITERATURE OF THE CHURCH OF GOD OF ANDERSON, INDIANA
AND THE CORRESPONDING CULTURE
The theme of divorce and remarriage in the Church of God was the topic
of a thesis written by Donald Lee Thacker in partial fulfillment of a Bachelor of
Divinity Degree dated 1960 and presented to the Faculty of the School of
Theology of Anderson College. Interestingly, he circulated a survey much like
the one used in this doctoral project. Those statistics will be used in a
comparison study later in this dissertation.66
As his research indicates, pastors in the early Church of God movement
were as concerned about the issue of divorce and remarriage as pastors are
today. However, the difference in the landscape of culture played an enormous
factor in the positions taken by the early pioneers. There were several
pamphlets written specifically addressing this issue, numerous articles in the
65
Parkman, 117.
66
-47Gospel Trumpet, as well as letters which were circulated among the clergy of the
early pioneer movement. As one can imagine, the position taken by the early
church movement was quite rigid, hoping to do God's perfect will and be true to
the Word of God rather than to run the risk of being too lenient.
As Thacker states, "The position held by the pioneers, at least those who
were vocal in that position, can be stated briefly: no divorce except on grounds of
adultery and no remarriage, while the former spouse lives, under any
circumstances." 67 Reference is made to a pamphlet written by Daniel Sidney
Warner in which he states, "Hence all divorcing, save for the one cause, and all
marrying of a second living companion, are inconsistent with the New
Testament, and derogatory to the grace of God. . . . Whosoever putteth away his
wife, and marrieth another, committeth adultery. Whosoever - that is a very
comprehensive word. It means any person, under any circumstances. These
scriptures do not allow of [sic] a single exception" 68 Evidently, this unbending
attitude was the stance taken by church leadership in the nineteenth century.
This rigidity can be observed in a question and answer section in the Gospel
Trumpet dated 1897. The question was posed, "'If a man gets a divorce from his
wife because of adultery, has he the right to marry another while the first lives?'
67
Donald Lee Thacker, "The Biblical & Ethical Problems of Divorce & Remarriage
(With Special Reference to the Church of God)" (Bachelor of Divinity Thesis, Anderson
University School of Theology, 1960), 91.
68
69
70
Must They Separate? A Treatise on Marriage and Divorce, Being a letter to the
Church Universal by The Ministers Assembled in General Camp Meeting at Moundsville,
W. VA., June, 1901. (Anderson, Indiana: Gospel Trumpet Co., 1901), 13-14.
Thacker, 95.
Whitehead, 3.
-51decades. It was not until the last third of the century that divorce
truly gained momentum and spread rapidly throughout the Western
world.73
The most dangerous and threatening thing that happened in this period of
time was twofold. One was that divorce became a mass phenomenon and the
second and most dangerous for the church was that secular opinion replaced
religious thinking as the source of expertise.74 The church had lost its voice.
Even worse was that secular opinion had usurped that voice.
As America neared the turn of a new century, there was a shift in helpseeking behavior. In the early 1960's the church was very leery of psychology
and viewed it as a threat. "Marriage counselors, according to a national mental
health study published in 1960, were judged the least effective of all sources of
help."75 According to Whitehead, the vast majority of people who sought
professional help went to their clergy. With the onset of the psychological
revolution, however, Americans began to see marriage and family relationships
as part of the domain of mental health. Whitehead reports that:
Even pastoral marriage counseling began to acquire a more
psychotherapeutic orientation. . . . Mainline religious denominations
led the precession into psychotherapy. Pastoral counseling began
to take a client-centered approach that required clergy to stay
within the client's 'value system.' Pastors (and congregations)
retreated from theological challenge to an individual's values. . . .
Perhaps more surprisingly, psychology made inroads into the
73
lbid, 18.
74
lbid.
75
-52evangelical denominations.76
With this slow and subtle shift in help-seeking behavior, traditional experts
in these matters (such as doctors and clergy), handed over the authority to those
trained in psychotherapy. With this transition into the psychotherapeutic domain,
it was now the therapists who became the teachers and norm-setters in marriage
and then, later, in the dissolution of it.77 The church fell to the background.
Then a rather interesting turn of events took place. Exploitation of the
masses, whose marriages were in trouble, began to grow as therapists took
advantage of a rather lucrative market of self-help literature. Now society began
to talk and think in a language influenced by pop psychology with its major theme
of self and personal happiness. Divorce as an inherent right began to dominate
American thought.
NO-FAULT DIVORCE
One cannot fully realize the effects of this era on the church unless the
phenomenon of no-fault divorce is understood. Prior to no-fault divorce, the laws
governing marriage were based upon Judeo-Christian belief that marriage was
for life. Therefore, justification for divorce was not determined by one's own
desire but by proving the other spouse was at "fault" for one of the many grounds
for divorce. The primary grounds for divorce were cruelty, desertion, and
7S
Whitehead, 48.
77
78
-54expectation that the church would ease its religious sanctions also.
THE CHURCH STRUGGLES TO KEEP UP
It was in the last third of the twentieth century that, like it or not, the church
was facing its most monumental challenge in dealing with divorce and
remarriage. The dam had been breached, the floodgates were open, divorce
could be obtained for any reason, the church had lost its voice and pop
psychology was the new gospel. What a recipe for failure. It is uncertain,
however, whether or not the church saw this as a recipe for failure, for the church
eventually entered into the psychology movement with piqued interest. Now the
voice of the church was one of healing, restoration, and acceptance of the
divorced. Grief education and divorce recovery was the theme in ministering to
the growing segment of divorced people sitting in the pew. These new ministries
were much needed but it became increasingly difficult to teach against divorce
for fear of wounding those already injured by divorce. The voice of the church on
this subject became more and more indiscernible as these questions of
conscience were increasingly being left up to individual pastors and ultimately
parishioners.
VITAL CHRISTIANITY
It was in the June 8, 1980 issue of Vital Christianity that the entire
contents were dedicated to marriage. It is entitled "The Two Shall become one
Flesh" and there are numerous articles on the subject of divorce and remarriage.
It is an interesting measuring instrument in determining where the church stood
at that time. As it turns out, this was a timely edition for the Church of God to
80
-56performed in the United States. During that same time period 1,090,000
divorces were granted, an increase of 7,000 divorces over 1976. Even more
alarming is the fact that the number of divorces in the United States has
increased every year since 1962 and more than doubled in the decade from
1966 (499,000 divorces) to 1976 (1,082,000 divorces)."81 What Barton does not
mention is that the culprit during that ten-year period is no-fault divorce.
BARRY L. CALLEN
DEAN OF THE SCHOOL OF THEOLOGY
Among those leaders of the late twentieth century, Barry Callen's
leadership was highly respected in the Church of God movement. In the abovementioned edition of Vital Christianity he approached the subject with apparent
boldness. He starts the article with the following words:
It's now happening so often that no one can ignore it. Divorce and
remarriage are regular occurrences in today's world. And for those
in the church who take the Bible seriously it often presents a critical
dilemma. There seems to be a gulf between what Christians
believe in principle and what, increasingly, they practice. The
biblical ideal of marriage appears clear enough, but the realities
faced in attempting its application are sometimes confusing,
frustrating, and even tragic.82
As he so pointedly puts it, divorce had exploded and the church was at a loss as
to how to keep up with it and remain true to biblical principles. He points out that
the practical realities of divorce seem to be on a different plane than biblical
Cheryl Johnson Barton, "A Marriage Review," Vital Christianity 100, 8 June
1980,2.
82
Barry L. Callen, "The Dilemma of Divorce," Vital Christianity 100, 8 June 1980,
12.
-57precepts.
He goes on to talk about situational ethics as the accepted ruling of that
era and how many Christians saw the laws and rules of the Bible as legitimate,
but not as an absolute. He further explains that situational ethics were giving
way to Christians rationalizing and justifying their positions, going so far as to
say, "was marriage made for humanity, or humanity made for marriage?"
obviously taking the words of Christ regarding the Sabbath in Mark 2:27 and
revising them to make it all fit into one's own ethical frame of reference. He goes
on to press for the need to restate clearly the biblical guidelines on divorce and
remarriage.
Callen raised the question of what the church should do with those who
were divorced. Many church people felt that putting a divorced person in a
position of leadership or for that matter even accepting them into the church was
sending the wrong message and setting a bad example for the upcoming
generation. However, he noted that with the rise of divorced people in the pews,
church members were inclined to take a restorative, redemptive position.
Callen took one very substantial departure from the traditional early
pioneer position which was, "A divorce, once finalized, genuinely separates a
husband and wife. Such a termination of marriage involves sin and is tragic, but
it is nonetheless a real termination."83 This is in direct opposition to early
Church of God teaching which states that, according to Romans 7:2,3 and I
Ibid, 14.
-58Corinthians 7:39, the marriage law binds as long as both live.84 Callen states:
Marriages are intended to be permanent; nonetheless, divorce is
common, even among Christians. One guideline is helpful in the
face of this unwelcome fact. Divorce, once it has occurred, is to be
seen as the complete termination of the marriage relationship. The
guilty partner in a divorce caused by adultery, for instance, has
already broken the marriage by the adulterous activity. The
marriage has been dissolved - which is why the 'innocent party' is
said to be free to remarry. In fact, since the marriage is dissolved,
even the guilty party who remarries is not living in adultery. . . .
once the divorce is an accomplished fact, the church is not justified
in viewing remarried persons as participants in a life of 'legalized
adultery.'85
Daniel Sidney Warner would have taken exception to this assertion by Callen.
Callen's statements about divorce being the termination of the marriage
relationship appeared to include all divorce for any reason. If his argument had
been confined to those cases of adultery, it would be more understandable.
However, according to the teachings of Jesus anyone who divorces his wife,
except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another commits adultery. There
seems to be no resolution of this teaching in Callen's writing.
Another position which Callen takes which would have departed from
early pioneer position was regarding service in the church for remarried persons.
The pamphlet Must They Separate? asserts that divorced persons who have
remarried are not recognized as officers in the church of God, because they are
in effect bigamists, having multiple spouses through divorce and remarriage.
Callen disputes this. His basic premise being that God's primary concern in
'Warner, 12.
;
Callen, 14.
-59setting standards for church leaders is that they be good examples to the flock
and worthy representatives of the church to the world, the emphasis being on a
person's character not on a person's history.
Callen is in no way taking divorce and remarriage lightly. He maintains
that the church should strive to maintain a high biblical view of marriage. He also
maintains that the New Testament does not give an exhaustive treatment of
these issues and that the Holy Spirit is our guide for these questions of
conscience. In essence, the church must be careful not to make a rigid code
from the New Testament references as it had done in earlier years.
Callen makes a good case for the healing and restoration of divorced
people, and certainly does deviate from the rigidity of the early pioneers.
However, though the position of the early Church of God was rigid, is it possible
that church people might have taken Callen's statements about divorce being the
termination of the marriage relationship as permission to terminate marriages
with less regard?
This article was written by Barry Callen in 1980, some ten years into the
divorce revolution. One might wonder if it subtly enabled divorce among
Christians who were struggling with this issue. After all, what was going on in the
culture at that time was the shift from religious thinking to secular opinion. As
stated above, with the subtle shift in help-seeking behavior, the church was
slowly handing over the authority to those trained in psychotherapy. Had the
voice of the church on these issues faded into the background? Were church
people even listening anymore? Were these questions of conscience being
86
James Earl Massey, "Divorced but not Destroyed," Vital Christianity 99, 1979,
14-16.
Whitehead, 46.
CHAPTER THREE
THE MINISTRY PROJECT:
DIVORCE IN THE PRESENT DAY CHURCH OF GOD
PARTI
THE SURVEY AND ITS IMPLICATIONS
We possess a rather rare and unique opportunity of which the author was
not aware at the beginning of this dissertation project. As mentioned previously
a thesis was written in 1960 on precisely this same subject by Donald Lee
Thacker for the faculty of the School of Theology of Anderson College. After
almost 50 years it is astonishing to see the changes which have taken place
regarding divorce and remarriage in this society and in today's church. Some
things remain the same such as a concern about the disturbing rise in the
divorce rate, but many things have changed to a large degree and this will
become evident as the two surveys are compared and contrasted.
In his introduction, Thacker writes, "The purpose of this paper is to answer
the question, 'What should be the attitude of the Church regarding divorce and
remarriage?' As will be seen later, many answers are given to this question by
the many churches. Some of these answers directly oppose one another.
Confusion is the result. What is one to believe and teach in this regard?"88 In
response to this we should ask, "If the church was confused about what to teach
50 years ago, how much more confused is she today in the aftermath of the
'Thacker, 1.
-63-
-64divorce revolution?" Thacker wrote his thesis less than a decade before no-fault
divorce divided this nation and infiltrated the church.
In an effort to take the pulse of the church in 1959, Thacker sent out a
survey among a sampling of the ministry of the Church of God much like the
survey sent out for this project. His method of survey was a questionnaire
comprising twenty-one questions which was sent to every sixth ordained pastor
or evangelist listed in the Church of God Yearbook. The total number of
questionnaires he sent out was 492 and he received 170 responses which
brought just less than a 35% response rate.
In comparison, this dissertation project also conducted a survey in 2006
which involved sending a questionnaire to pastors. Church Service was
petitioned for permission to obtain a comprehensive list of the e-mail addresses
for pastors and associate pastors sorted by state in order to conduct a stratified
random sample survey. They uploaded and sent in excess of 3,000 e-mail
addresses. After downloading them, five to seven random addresses were
chosen from each state so that all the states were equally represented. This
electronic survey was sent to 332 random persons who had positions of pastoral
leadership in churches of God in the continental United States and 97 surveys
were returned which brought a 29% response rate. Both of these surveys are
listed for review in Table 1 and 2.
-65TABLE 1.
1959 S U R V E Y
By
DONALD THACKER
Anderson College
Anderson, Indiana
September 15, 1959
Dear Pastor,
It is probable that we have never met, yet the purpose of this letter is to
ask a very important favor of you. I am a senior in the School of Theology at
Anderson and am writing my thesis on a topic which is increasing in interest and
importance for all pastors, namely, - divorce and remarriage. The favor I ask of
you, which is very important in my research on this subject, is the completion of
the following questionnaire. Without this help my research will be greatly
hindered.
All replies will be kept strictly confidential. You need not sign your name.
However, if you would like to know the results of this survey keep my address
and drop me a card giving your address about the end of November. This
survey is restricted to Church of God pastors.
In completing the questionnaire select the answers which most nearly
represent your opinion or belief. If you would like to comment on any of the
questions or answers please do so at the end or on the back of the
questionnaire.
Thank you very much for your time and interest.
Donald L. Thacker
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
-6610.
11.
12.
13.
14.
15.
16.
17.
18.
19.
20.
21.
22.
23.
'Thacker, 114-116.
-67TABLE 2.
2006 SURVEY
By
JANET MURPHY
Dear Pastor,
My name is Janet Murphy and I am a clinical pastoral counselor serving at
WellSpring Counseling Center in Akron, Ohio. I am ordained in the Church of
God and have also served as a pastor. This questionnaire is a data gathering
instrument which will be utilized in a Doctor of Ministry project for Anderson
University School of Theology. This research has been approved by the Doctor
of Ministry Studies Committee (Dr. Gilbert Stafford, qwstafford(g>anderson.edu,
chair). The results will be used to assess and assist pastors in dealing with the
issue of divorce in the local congregation.
I would appreciate a few minutes of your time to fill out the survey regarding
divorce in the church. Your input is valuable. Please respond by copying the
survey onto the reply screen and inserting your answers in the blanks. ALL
responses will be kept anonymous.
QUESTIONNAIRE FOR PASTORS OF THE CHURCH OF GOD
DEMOGRAPHIC INFORMATION
1) Current ministry classification: senior pastor
, associate pastor
,
other
, (specify
).
2) Race: African-American
, Asian
, Caucasian
, Hispanic
,
Native American
, other
(specify
).
3) Age: 20-30
, 31-40
, 41-50
, 51-60
, 60+
.
4) Marital status: married
, divorced
, widowed
, single
,
divorced and remarried
.
5) Highest educational attainment (check one): High school
, some college
College
, Masters
, Doctorate
SURVEY
Please answer
Y - Yes
N - No
U - Unsure
S - Sometimes
If you check UNSURE or SOMETIMES please clarify your response in the space
immediately next to the question. By making these comments you are also
giving your permission for them to be used anonymously in this dissertation
project and in any writing that might arise from it.
-68-
1)
2)
3)
4)
5)
6)
7)
8)
9)
10)
11)
12)
13)
14)
What do you think the church's role should be in fighting the battle against
divorce?
Comments:
1960. The emphasis for the early Church of God pioneers was the consensus of
opinion that there was to be no remarriage while the former spouse lived even if
the divorce was for adultery. In a later survey by F.G. Smith, it showed only 20%
-69of the pastors held this view. Then in Thacker's survey taken in 1959, it showed
15% indicated this stand.90 In the most recent survey conducted for this
dissertation project in 2006, the question was asked, "Do you think it is a sin to
remarry after a divorce?" The results indicated that 5% held the view that it was
a sin to remarry after divorce.
Regarding the same question, "Do you think it is a sin to remarry after a
divorce?", more than 52% responded with "unsure" or "sometimes" indicating an
overwhelming diversity of opinion and lack of unanimity, while 42% answered
"no." The large percentage of "unsure" and "sometime" answers may be
indicative of the situational ethics of this postmodern age. Now the general
consensus among pastors seems to be that remarriage after divorce is a
perfectly acceptable option with some exceptions.
Another question which was common to both surveys had to do with
premarital counseling. Thacker asks, "Do you insist upon counseling sessions,
one or more, with those you join in marriage?"
taking Thacker's survey answered "yes." Murphy asks, "Do you require marriage
counseling before you marry a couple?" In 2006, 85% of pastors taking
Murphy's survey answered "yes" to premarital counseling as a requirement. This
trend may suggest that pastors are handling the heightened incident of divorce
with more vigilance than in prior years. It might also mean that pastors in 2006
are responsibly addressing the problem in the only way they know how. Pastors
Ibid, 105.
-70were also asked if they had been taught and/or mentored that marrying couples
is a responsibility to be taken very seriously, to which 92% answered "yes."
The last question which was somewhat common to both surveys was
about children. Thacker's inquiry regarding children was twofold. He asked, "Do
you feel that a couple should ever divorce because there exists in that home an
atmosphere unhealthy for the rearing of children?" He also asks, "Do you
believe that remarriage should ever be sought for the benefit of the children by a
divorced person who was awarded the custody of the children?" Unfortunately,
Thacker did not publish his findings on those two questions. Murphy asked, "Do
you believe that children suffer permanent damage from divorce?" The results
indicated that 82% of pastors answered "yes." This monumental concern will be
addressed later in this chapter.
One very interesting question Thacker asks is, "What reforms in our civil
laws permitting divorce would you like to see take place?" What is interesting in
hindsight is that just a few short years after Thacker asked this question, divorce
laws went through the most massive deregulation ever. There was a massive
breakdown in legislation which is still threatening the institution of marriage and
family in 2008. He goes on to ask, "Do you think that this is an area wherein the
church should have the final word rather than the state government?" One could
be unsure as to what he is asking. Does he mean Christians should have to
report to and ask the church for permission to divorce? Or could he mean that
the church should be the final authority in the same way that the Catholic Church
is? It is somewhat unclear what the phrase "the final word" pertains to.
-72perpetuate the issue, what can we expect in the way of a correction? Thacker
talked in 1959 about reforms in civil law. For many years after Thacker's
research there were many reforms, but not of the corrective nature for which
Thacker may have been hoping. It was not until the end of the twentieth century
that divorce reform became a major topic of legislative interest. Are we too late?
Can divorce reform raise consciousness when the breakdown is so deeply
rooted in the American way of life? In light of the negative impact which divorce
has had on the institution of marriage and family, can civil law turn it around?
Can the church turn it around? Can it be turned around?
Ministry Classification
66%
\^
12%
22%
Senior Pastor
Associate Pastor
Other
Race
81%
1%
1%
2%
15%
Caucasian
African-American
Asian
Native American
Other
-74-
Age
20-30
51-60
60+
31-40
41-50
Marital Status
80%
v J
^
--
,, ~-~ligt B
- ^
1%
I **> i
Married
Divorced
Widowed
Single
Divorced & Remarried
-75-
EdiicatiiDn
.
42%
16%
/
-
"' 3%
i'
jA^t^
'
mt ' 9%
J30%
High School
College
Doctorate
Some College
Masters
-76SURVEY QUESTIONS
1) Do you think divorce is a serious issue in the church at large?
Question #1
91%
2%
6%
Yes
Sometimes
No
Unsure
Question #2
39%
9%
52%
mm^t
Yes
Sometimes
No
Unsure
Question #3
76%
9%
Yes
Sometimes
No
Unsure
Question #4
Yes
Sometimes
No
Unsure
-78-
5) Do you think that those who are divorced or have a divorce in their past
are eligible for pastoral leadership?
Question # 5
49%
Li%]
9%
Yes
Sometimes
No
Unsure
Question #6
38%
} L1%!
Yes
Sometimes
No
Unsure
-797) Do you have any policies or procedures in place for church leaders who
divorce?
Question #7
Yes
Sometimes
No
Unsure
Question #8
85%
M%
9%
Yes
Sometimes
j J
IH
No
Unsure
Question #9
92% | j
~^--~'
Yes
Sometimes
i
H
i [i%j
No
Unsure
Question #10
42%
6%
| 46% I
Yes
Sometimes
! ]
iSi
No
Unsure
-8111) When counseling a couple on the brink of divorce, do you feel that you
can influence their decision NOT to divorce?
Question #11
[40%]
s
42%
Yes
No
Sometimes
Unsure
12) Do you believe that children suffer permanent damage from divorce?
Question #12
Yes
Sometimes
No
Unsure
Question #13
82%
/""
"\
'^"
j@
X
_ _ _ v j
!_!
es
Sometimes
n
m
fS0^ [_16%]
No
Unsure
14) Do you think divorce is worse due to the post modern culture in which
we live?
Question #14
75%
7%]
3%]
Yes
No
Sometimes
Unsure
-83PART II
THE EFFECTS OF DIVORCE ON CHILDREN
The survey results indicated that the highest concern of pastors is that
children suffer permanent damage from divorce. There was an 83%
acknowledgment that children do suffer permanently from the effects of divorce.
The other 17% were unsure. There is no longer any reason to be unsure of the
effects of divorce upon children.
In the late 1960's just as the divorce revolution was taking off, divorce
involving children was viewed more permissively. After all, no one knew how this
rapid and widespread increase of divorces would affect children. Because of this
poverty of empirical knowledge, the effect of divorce upon children was little
more than speculation. This gave birth to notions that children actually
benefitted from divorce, that they would have better relationships with
nonresidential fathers, that there would be economic advancement for women
and children, and in general, that divorce was a fabulous opportunity for
individual growth potential. The belief that children were resilient and would
bounce back from the short-term difficulties of divorce was prevalent. In fact, it
was believed that parents' first responsibility was to themselves; if they sought
their own satisfactions, then their children's happiness would follow. This form of
reasoning was described as "psychological trickledown."91
Whitehead, 86-89.
-84This form of speculative thought prevailed until enough time had passed
that longitudinal studies could be conducted. After the mid-1980's a body of
empirical evidence, gathered from well-designed, large-scale, and long-term
studies had emerged. Unlike the speculative presuppositions of the prior
decade,". . . these studies gathered information through face-to-face or
telephone interviews with children themselves and also used objective measures
of behavior, such as school attendance, educational attainment, work-force
attachment, and adolescent childbearing as a basis of comparing the well-being
of children in intact and disrupted families."92 Among the most notable works are
those of Judith S. Wallerstein who wrote, Second Chances: Men, Women, and
Children a Decade After Divorce, and Surviving the Break-up: How children
and Parents Cope with Divorce and authored several articles in the Journal of
the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry.
Waging the war for divorce had been focused upon the needs and the
rights of adults for so long that the consequences of divorce upon the moral and
spiritual lives of children have been completely missed. In a project for the
Institute for American Values, Elizabeth Marquardt writes, "Despite the
predominance of divorce in family life today, no one has asked significant
questions about the moral and spiritual experience of children of divorce,
especially as it develops over a lifetime."93 She contends that no one is asking
92
lbid. 91.
93
-85the right questions or studying the long term effects upon children. She states
the following:
These are some of the questions I believe ought to be asked: If we
accept that the family is the first and primary setting in which our
values and identities are formed, what sort of challenges does a
split, sometimes polarized, and often ever-changing family
experience present for a young person growing up? If the family is
the first and most profound experience that we have of the world,
and if that experience was often subject to unpredictability, what
kind of understanding of family and of the world do these young
people have when they set out on their own? . . . Just as
importantly, if religious traditions often tell children that God is
like a parent, how do children of divorce understand God's
presence when they routinely experience the absence of one
of their parents, when to be with one parent always means not
being with the other?94 (Emphasis mine)
How divorce affects the lives of children has far reaching ramifications
which disrupt their development into adult years. Some of the major causes
regarding the difficulties children of divorce face are: 1) Parental loss, 2)
Economic loss, 3) More life stress, 4) Poor parental adjustment, 5) Lack of
parental competence, 6) Exposure to interparental conflict. It is noted that when
divorce results in the loss of a parent, with this loss children also lose a role
model (male or female or marital role model), and the knowledge, skills and
resources (emotional, financial, etc.) of that parent. They also incur the added
stress of changing schools, residences, and friends along with major
adjustments to changes in relationships with friends and extended family
Marquartdt. The Moral Experience of Children of Divorce and the Best Interest
of Children. (A project for the Institute for American Values, New York, NY, 2001).
-86members.95
In addition, divorce affects boys differently than girls. Through the
disruption of the family by divorce, the children are affected in several aspects of
their lives. Boys and girls going through divorce experience several different
behavioral changes which can be summarized by the following:
BOYS
1. Develop behavioral problems in school during the initial stages
and through the first two years after the divorce,
2. Decline in academic performance,
3. Become more susceptible to involvement with drugs, alcohol
and gangs,
4. Increase in risk of aggressive behavior,
5. Accumulate a higher percentage of drop out rates than
adolescents not involved in divorce issues.
GIRLS
1. Show increased signs of depression over the divorce and
changes taking place in their lives.
2. Decline in academic performance,
3. Accumulate a higher percentage of drop out rates compared to
those in an intact family setting,
4. Run with an older crowd and enter sexual activity earlier than
those in an intact family.96
It may be necessary to keep in mind that these are not only children of
non-believers, but 50 percent or more represent children of divorcing believers.
If divorce inside the church is equal to divorce outside the church, all statistical or
95
Linda Franke, Growing Up Divorced (Simon and Schuster Press, New York,
1983), 150-182.
97
Judith S. Wallerstein and Joan Berlin Kelly, Surviving the Breakup: How
Children and Parents Cope with Divorce (New York: Basic Books, 1980), 35.
-89ln some cases children will experience a role reversal in which they are
used by the parent to fulfill dependency needs. This is vastly different from the
temporary dependence of a parent on a child when separation occurs. This kind
of role reversal can and often does last for many years and involves the full
dependence of the parent upon the child. Many children prematurely take
responsibility for the household and the depressed parent, and are overwhelmed
and unable to sustain their own development in the process. "When a child
forfeits her childhood and adolescence to take on responsibilities for a parent,
her capacity to enjoy life as a young person, develop close friendships, and
cultivate shared interests is sacrificed. Beyond this loss, there is a major
psychological hazard if the upside-down dependence goes on too long."99 This
coupled with the emotional dependency of the depressed parent can leave the
child worried and anxious especially if the parent is suicidal and confides these
feelings to the child.
Wallerstein's work showed that few resources outside of the immediate
family were of help to the children during the initial crisis of divorce. She states,
"Fewer than 5 percent of the children were counseled or sustained by a church
congregation or minister. . . occasionally a neighbor would be unexpectedly
helpful. . . other children reported later that they had been helped by parents of
some of their friends . . . Yet, in all, less than 10 percent of the children received
-90adult help from their community or family friends."100 Contributing to the lack of
adult support was the fact that most adults did not have an understanding of the
special needs of children of divorce. To make matters worse, children are often
thought to be resilient which isolates them even more. So much attention is
focused upon the adult crisis that the children can easily fall between the cracks.
Wallerstein's study revealed a commonality among these children of
divorce when it came to the range of feelings and concerns which burdened
them. The central themes, which appeared over and over in their research,
showed up in the behavioral symptoms of very small children all the way up to
the later developmental stages of adolescents. These themes were: Divorce is
frightening, divorce is a time of sadness and yearning, divorce is a time of worry,
divorce is a time of feeling rejected, divorce - a lonely time, divorce is a time of
conflicted loyalties, and divorce is a time of anger.101 Certainly, the short-term
effects of divorce upon children are devastating to say the least. But what about
the long-term effects of divorce?
There is a phenomenon among girls called the sleeper effect. It is a cruel
and silent assault on the development of young women. It is defined as follows:
The sleeper effect is particularly dangerous because it occurs at
the crucial time when many young woman make decisions that
have long-term implications for their lives. Entering young
adulthood, they are faced with issues of commitment, love, and sex
in an adult context - and they are aware that the game is serious.
If they tie in with the wrong man, have children too soon, or choose
100
101
lbid, 45-49.
102
103
SUMMARY
The most critical misconception about the effects of divorce on children is
that they are resilient. They are resilient in the respect that they will survive the
Matthews, 5.
-93breakup of their family, but the quality of life in the short-term and the long-term
is irreparably impaired. Additionally, developmental stages are negatively
affected in that many children approach their young adulthood with insecurity
and anxiety about their own ability to maintain adult relationships. Many times
these children enter their adult lives with fear of abandonment, betrayal, loss,
rejection, commitment and intimacy.
The most helpful approach when helping children of divorce is to
understand what they are going through. Children are often unable to articulate
their painful emotions and do all they know to do - act out. Acting out is a
psychological term meaning to perform an action to express emotional conflicts.
Since children cannot sort through their conflict alone, they need the help of
caring and empathic adults to provide guidance, nurture, structure and
predictability.
CASE STUDY
The following case study is of a Church of God pastor's wife who is also
a Church of God pastor's child. At the present time she is 40 years old. The
divorce between her mother and father happened when she was 15 years old.
The following is used with permission. Names and any other identifying
information have been changed or removed to protect the anonymity of all
involved.
QUESTION ONE
What was the reason for your parents divorce as you perceived it at the
time and were you aware that there were such serious problems or did it
come as a surprise?
-94-
My mother had just had brain surgery due to a brain tumor that had been
misdiagnosed as epilepsy for a number of years. I knew that my father's mother
had died of cancer and I thought that Dad just couldn't handle the thought of
mom dying. I guess that I was looking for a reason that would seem to be
nobody's fault. I was definitely taken by surprise. I had no idea that there were
such problems. My only insight into the situation had come from a comment
from my aunt mentioning that my parents might be headed to divorce. I did find
out years later that I was the only one who was oblivious to the situation around
me. My siblings said that they knew that the divorce was coming. Being the
baby of the family, I was either extremely naive or had been sheltered from the
storm around me.
QUESTION TWO
Looking back on your life, do you feel that your parents divorcing cheated
you out of part of your life?
I really missed the relationship that I had with my father previous to the
divorce. I was most definitely a daddy's girl. I would go with him on bus trips and
even dressed in the blue pants and white shirt just like dad wore. Because dad
had been a pastor, I was extremely proud of him and was thrilled to be a pk.
When I realized that dad was not what he had seemed in my young eyes, I felt
that I had lost the hero that I had always had as well.
Dad wanted me to live with him. When I said that I would stay with Mom
partially because he was living with my Mom's best friend even though Mom
and Dad were still married, Dad became very upset. He had bought a horse for
-95me after the divorce fulfilling a lifelong dream. When I did not come to live with
him, the horse was sold. Dad seemed at times to want to punish me for my
decision to stay with Mom. Because of that, our relationship became almost
non-existent. I continued to try to reach out to him until one particular day that
Dad had yelled and cursed at me. Because of the stress of the situation, I was
having some major stomach problems. My physical health was taking a beating.
That night, I went to my youth pastor's home and he encouraged me to stay
away from Dad for a while if only to protect my health and mental outlook.
QUESTION THREE
Did you feel torn in your relationship between your mother and father, like
you should take sides?
Mom and Dad definitely used the three of us kids as pawns in their
game of divorce. I am not sure how much Mom tried to do this or if it just
happened as she was hurting and needed someone to talk to about the
situation. When I found pornography in my father's dresser as I was packing his
things to take to him, Mom shared with me how Dad would force her to do oral
sex with him. Obviously, this was not something that any 15 year old Daddy's
girl needed to know. Dad would do the same type of thing constantly
complaining about the way Mom had treated him. I was also used quite often as
the messenger between the two parents. As such, I would be subject to the
unhappy responses of both parents.
-96QUESTION FOUR
When your parents were going through the breakup, did you feel that you
had to be a parent either to your parents or to your siblings? In other
words was there any kind of role reversal that took place?
When the divorce first took place, my sister still lived at home. During
that time, everything was very strained. My Mom and I constantly fought. My
sister seemed to be the parent. She was furious at Dad and felt that I was
betraying Mom by even seeing Dad. When my sister married soon after the
divorce, the roles changed dramatically at home. I will make mention of the fact
that my brother gave away the bride at my sister's wedding. Dad was invited,
but was not asked to perform that role. After my sister moved out, Mom and I
actually began to get along. I did take on the parental role. Knowing that I would
go off to college in a few years, I began to make plans to help Mom make it
when I left. I helped us find an apartment so that we could move out of the
trailer home that we had shared as a family. It was my responsibility to get Mom
to and from her radiation treatments since she was not medically released to
drive. Even though I was only 15 at the time, I was able to get a hard-ship
license and had my own car that my Dad bought for $500.
It also became my responsibility to explain some of the facts of life to
mother. Because of the brain tumor, Mom did not always think things out as
clearly as she should have. At one point I found at that a man that she was
dating wanted her to lie down on his bed beside him just to comfort one
another. I had to sit down with her and explain that such things were not wise
-97things to do. I shared with her some of the same things that had been shared
with me before the brain surgery. Telling my Mom how a guy may take
advantage of a situation such as that was definitely not something that I would
have thought would be my job as a teen.
QUESTION FIVE
Did you have the support of other adults? From family? From church?
From school?
My biggest support was from my youth pastor and his wife. For years, I
thought of them as surrogate parents. Pastor Bob was the one who encouraged
me to keep up good grades. He was also the one who taught me how to drive.
Jane was the one who shared about love and the physical aspects of love when
I was dating my future husband. Even today, we are close. The relationship has,
however, changed. During my days in the youth group, Pastor Bob and Jane
were there whenever I needed them. I also helped them out as the first
babysitter of either of their boys. I was almost a part of their family. Without the
support of the church and of this couple in particular, I am not sure what would
have become of me.
QUESTION SIX
Many children of divorce go through mixed and confusing
emotions.
-98I think that I definitely went through a period of anger. It seems that I was
angry at Mom, I was angry at Dad, and I was angry at God for letting it all
happen. I can remember that even though I had sung at State Camp meeting
for years, I didn't sing that year. I felt that God had abandoned me and I refused
to be a hypocrite and sing for things that I did not believe at that time.
I was also very confused. Our senior pastor made a comment to me that
he thought that when I got back from India, Dad would come back. I took that to
mean that somehow it was my responsibility. I wondered about that comment
for years. As an adult, I asked Pastor what he had meant. He told me that he
thought that when Dad saw me, his little girl, Dad would realize what he was
doing and come back. As an adult I realize that he simply made an unwise
statement in passing not realizing the meaning that it would have to a teen.
I know that I was also very lonely at times. I can remember my Mom and
I visiting her parents in Michigan and having my birthday while we were there. I
remember turning 16 and waiting by the mailbox all day thinking that surely my
father would send something. Of course, it never happened. When my
grandmother found out what I was waiting for, she made the comment that even
if he sent something, she wouldn't allow anything from him into her house
anyway. Obviously, it is not a birthday that I remember with fondness.
QUESTION SEVEN
What are the three biggest problems you have faced in your life because
of the divorce?
-99A. It was difficult to have poise and self-confidence because I felt that
my own father didn't even care about what happened to me.
B. The relationships between myself and my siblings will most likely
never be good, strong ones.
C. My boys have missed out on having a grandfather in their lives since
their other grandfather passed away 7 years ago and my father has not made
himself a presence in their lives. When my father decided to come to Anderson
Campmeeting about 4 years ago, we felt that we needed to talk to the boys
about their grandfather that they would see there. One of our son's remark
seemed to say it all, "Grampa Jim, I thought he was dead!" Even since that time,
he doesn't call, send presents for Christmas or birthdays, or even send a card.
The only time that the boys have seen him has been at Anderson Campmeeting
and when we went down for my Mom's funeral last summer. For me that is a
sad thing for my boys.
QUESTION EIGHT
How did the divorce make you feel in your relationship with God?
I think that many children who have had an unhealthy relationship with
their father struggle with the idea of God as a loving father. Often I felt that God
surely could not love and accept me if my own father could not do the same.
These problems would reappear occasionally, as I would go through times of
inadequacy in my life. However, I was able to realize that God was a father
without the human limitations shown by my human father. God could not be
-100selfish and want only what was best for himself. God could not walk away from
the ones that love him and not take care of them.
-101PART III
AFFAIRS: THE HIDDEN ENEMY
A major concern of the author is the heightened occurrence of
extramarital affairs among Christians.
selected for the survey in an attempt to estimate how serious the issue really is.
In the 2006 survey, the question was asked, "Do you personally know of a
Christian marriage that has ended in divorce because of an affair?" This
question was answered "yes" by 82% of those surveyed.
One author states, "The statistics on the frequency of affairs today are
disheartening. Reiss and Thompson indicate that 40 to 50% of all married men
have extramarital affairs. Nearly 70% of all married men under forty expect to
have an extramarital relationship. Given the increasingly permissive views
toward sex today, researchers Gilbert Nass and Roger Libby have predicted
that between one-half and two-thirds of all husbands will have an affair before
they reach age forty."105
In his book, Temptations Men Face, Tom Eisenman cites another poll
conducted by the research department of Christianity Today. Pastors in the
United States were asked if they had ever had sexual intercourse with someone
other than their spouse since they have been involved in local church ministry.
He says, "Of the respondents, 12% answered yes. Of the 88% who answered
105
-102no, many chose to write along with the answer that their sexual purity had not
come easily. Pastors were also asked if they had ever been involved in other
forms of sexual contact with someone other than their spouses, i.e., passionate
kissing, fondling/mutual masturbation, since they have been in church ministry.
Of that 88%, 18% answered yes making that a total of 30% of the ministers
polled who have been involved in sexual indiscretions.106
In researching the literature on extramarital affairs, there is much written
about how to find healing from the devastation of an affair. However, there is
very little written on the prevention of the affair. There is very little literature
written to help people identify the process of entanglement which occurs as
emotions become intertwined into a web of enmeshment. People do not rise
one morning resolved to go out and have an affair which will break up their
family and devastate lives. Rather, the process of entanglement is a slow
process of enmeshment which if caught in its early stages can be recovered
before it is too late.
HOW AFFAIRS HAPPEN,
WHAT THE CHURCH NEEDS TO KNOW AND TEACH
In his book, Tom Eisenman identifies twelve common steps that usually
occur in sequence as a relationship moves toward an adulterous affair. These
steps often occur over a long period of time, but a man and a woman can move
106
107
lbid, 88.
108
lbid.
-104It is important to note that many people assume affairs happen only in
unhealthy marriages, but this is not true. There is a significant amount of
spiritual warfare which plays into the process of entanglement and this can
happen even in healthy marriages. Marriages go through stages and some of
the stages may seem to have lost the passion. "No one should be surprised
when they find their mind wandering toward something new, something
different, something that seems a little more exciting. . . . Most couples realize
that there are times when living with the same person year after year can be
boring. And the lure of something new and different can be quite strong."109 It
has been the experience of the author that those people who are unaware of
their vulnerabilities are the ones who, in reality, are the most vulnerable.
THE TWELVE STEPS
The following steps are invaluable for any married person to be aware of
as they move about life at work, in their neighborhoods, in their churches, etc.
The biggest problem in promoting awareness is people think that this could
never happen to them, until it does.
STEP ONE: READINESS
The first step is the condition of emotional readiness. Something is
occurring in a person's life that has them leaning away from the
marriage. If we look closely at the story of David and Bathsheba in
2 Samuel 11, it appears that this kind of emotional readiness was
present in David. We can learn from David's fall. We can work to
understand what is happening to us and turn our energy toward
regaining full health in our relationship.
-105STEP T W O : ALERTNESS
The second step in the affair process is a growing awareness of a
particular person in our web of relationships. We may begin simply
by thinking occasionally about the other person. The innocent
thoughts can turn into fantasizing about them.
STEP THREE: INNOCENT MEETING
During the time of heightened awareness of the other person, there
can be truly innocent, chance meeting, often legitimate business
contacts that can potentially build relationship.
STEP FOUR: INTENTIONAL MEETING
Meetings occur frequently which appear to be by chance when in
reality one person has acted in such a way as to increase the
likelihood of the meeting.
STEP FIVE: PUBLIC LINGERING
The man and woman now spend time together while in group
settings. They tend to shut others out by turning away from the
group and avoiding eye contact with others.
STEP SIX: PRIVATE LINGERING
There is now a growing excitement in being together alone. It is a
seductive feeling, enticing. Conversations shift from ideas to
feelings. Caring is shared. There is an entry through conversation
into private and personal areas. Many times there is sharing of
marital problems which creates a feeling of intimacy. This is a very
dangerous and vulnerable point at which the feelings of intimacy
are strong.
STEP SEVEN: PURPOSEFUL ISOLATING
Now the man and woman begin to plan time alone for "legitimate"
purposes. The couple would still deny any suggestion that their
relationship was not completely appropriate.
STEP EIGHT: PLEASURABLE ISOLATING
Now the man and woman are planning time alone with each other
for the sheer enjoyment and fun of being together. The
relationship takes on a youthful euphoria. There is a shared
experience of excitement and adventure. There is more intimacy.
Eisenman, 88-93.
-107background and education provided the arena for this stance. As for my
background, there was very little affection shown to me as a child. It was not
that my parents did not love me but that they just didn't show that love through
affectionate hugs and kisses. They proved their love in many other ways such
as monetary. So I was this "cold" individual who treated others the same.
As a fundamentalist pastor, my positions on issues were very dogmatic. I
held to the straight and narrow and could not imagine ever being involved with
another woman. So needless to say I never thought I would enter into any
indiscretion (sin).
I guarded myself against any questionable behavior or associations with
members of the opposite sex. I was uncomfortable being around women other
than my wife. I would never counsel a woman alone, never ride in an automobile
alone with a woman. Never entertain a woman for a business lunch. I never
even hugged women. My policy was to only hug women under six and over
sixty. However, I really never hugged anyone.
What surprises me the most is that even though I am a very disciplined
individual, I did succumb to something to which I was vehemently opposed.
Something that was ingrained in me never to do. I allowed myself to go against
everything I was taught and believed and that I was this "perfect" pastor who had
the ideal wife and family. So it does surprise me and yet in a way it doesn't. By
that I mean I was probably very susceptible to the advances of another woman.
The warmth, words, adoration and hugs broke down the tough, disciplined
-108exterior.
QUESTION TWO
Before this incident, what did you think or feel about other ministers who
had affairs?
I don't know that I had any feelings about other ministers other than how
could they call themselves God's servants and do such a thing. I rarely heard of
any pastors in my church affiliation who had affairs. Maybe two or three. I guess
my first thought was, shock. It shocked me that anyone would allow this to
happen. I was more aware of the TV evangelists. That made good preaching
for me to show the errors of these "phony" TV personalities. Other than that I did
not think much about affairs that ministers had.
QUESTION THREE
Did you have anyone to talk to while the tension was building up?
you have talked if there were someone you could have trusted?
Would
I did not have anyone to talk to. I was a "loner" and was never close to
anyone, especially someone that I would be willing to trust with my inner feelings.
I think as a pastor in some ways it is good to be a loner and of course in other
ways there are many drawbacks. The main drawback of course is no one to
confide in.
I was basically taught (in Bible College) not to trust anyone. I had many
people stab me in the back over the years and there was no way I would trust
anyone for fear that they might possibly use any information against me in the
-110Together we grew spiritually and nine years later God called me into full
time ministry. I attended Bible college and graduated with honors. During
college my wife and I were heavily involved in volunteer ministry. Then after
graduation I assumed the pastorate and that heavy schedule continued.
As time went on our marriage became mechanical. It was all about
ministry and not about our personal relationship. Instead of our relationship
growing it began to stagnate. Yes, we were in love and committed but the
romance (spark) was missing. My marriage was not "good," yes you could say it
was in distress to some degree but it was stable or should I say "status quo." I
made it very difficult for my wife to love me and cherish me. I was a perfectionist
and could be very critical at times. I did not provide my wife with the affection
and positive affirmation that she needed.
I believe that the husband is totally responsible for the direction of the
marriage and if he loves his wife as Christ loved his church (Ephesians chapter
5) the wife would be responsive and be the helpmate that God intended for her
to be. However, I was not that husband. Did I love my wife? Yes, but not
unconditionally. Add to this scenario the challenges, pressures and difficulties of
the ministry and you have a recipe for an affair. You could say that I was easy
prey for someone who would see me in a different light than my wife.
Having been married at a young age and for many years I never knew
what it was like to interact or communicate with another woman. Did that make
me susceptible, yes! Did I seek relief from the pressure of marriage and ministry
-111in this affair, probably. It was a pleasing escape from the realities of life. Did I
fall in love with another woman? No! Did I want to leave my wife for someone
else? No! That was not the issue. It was a release in a way from the mundane
routine of ministry and marriage. Was there an "excitement" factor? Yes!
QUESTION FIVE
How much do you think spiritual warfare entered into this indiscretion?
I wrestled with the Holy Spirit's conviction. I knew that what I was doing
was wrong. Yet I ignored the warning signs and ignored the prompting of the
Holy Spirit to the point that I grieved Him. Soon I became insensitive to the
Spirit's conviction and promptings. However, whenever I would see, hear, or
read something about "affairs" it would cut me like a knife but I escaped the
conviction by not continuing to read the article or watch the show or listen to the
interview.
There was a constant battle going on in my life between the flesh and the
spirit with the flesh winning the battle. The Bible says that the pleasures of sin
are for a season. It was pleasing to the flesh and I allowed the flesh to overrule
the Spirit. Needless to say it was a miserable existence.
Eventually the conviction was such that I could just not stand it any longer.
Thank God He does not forsake His own and continues to pursue them. It was
short lived pleasure. It was empty, shallow and with no future.
111
-113perceive its pastor as one of them. Whatever the reason for a lack of
boundaries, pastors have the unwavering trust of their congregants. At the very
root of this trust is that the pastor will do no harm and that a pastor will act in the
best interest of the parishioner. Consequently, it is imperative that pastors
understand that the power dynamics between them and their congregation are
always unequal.
Marie Fortune, an ordained minister in the United Church of Christ and
founder and executive director of The Faith Trust Institute in Seattle, describes
the following, "The pastoral sex offender does not differ significantly from the
secular sex offender. He is manipulative, coercive, controlling, predatory, and
sometimes violent. He may also be charming, bright, competent, and
charismatic. He is attracted to powerlessness and vulnerability. He is not
psychotic, but is usually sociopathic; that is, he has little or no sense of
conscience about his offending behaviors. He usually will minimize, lie, and
deny when confronted. For these offenders, the ministry presents an ideal
opportunity for access to possible victims of all ages."112
Any person who might be reading the above-mentioned description of the
pastoral sex offender may think of this as an extreme. No doubt, while there are
those pastors who may be described by this profile, there are many good men
and women who are not sex offenders but fall into inappropriate sexual
relationships with parishioners because of a lack of awareness of the subtle
112
lbid, 47.
-114entanglement which takes place when boundaries are so blurred. What Tom
Eisenman and Marie Fortune are describing are different. The reason that this
difference needs to be noted is that God-fearing, dedicated, committed men are
falling into sexual indiscretions, which are essentially abusive, due to lack of
education, not due to a deep-seated proclivity toward sexual predatory activities.
Good men and women in good marriages and who love God and are
committed to his purpose can and do fall head long into sexual indiscretions.
The pastor in the above case study was one such man. He had no real sense of
a "position of power" and lost his way as the seduction of the sexual experience
became twisted and contorted giving way to rationalization. This is an extremely
important point, for most pastors would completely resist the sexual offender
profile of Marie Fortune while being a prime target for the subtle entanglement of
which Eisenman speaks.
Marie Fortune goes on to elaborate on this position of power by saying,
"The power and authority of the pastor come from training, credentials, and gifts
as well as from the contract given by the laity to the pastor. The pastor's role
and responsibility require a degree of intimacy with church members, but this
intimacy is imposed and not reciprocal."113 She goes on to describe the healthy
pastor as one who realizes the professional, pastoral relationship is a position of
power,". . . acknowledging both the gift that it brings and the implication that the
113
-115pastor is at risk to misuse that power. The laity are vulnerable to harm should
that occur. The risk of misusing the power is a risk for all pastors. The risk is a
function of the role itself, not just of the character of the pastor."114 If pastors do
not understand the role and its inherent risk, the potential for harm is significantly
increased. In the good-hearted, compassionate naivete' of the pastor, the
potential for danger sits just waiting for the right time.
Prevention begins in education, information and accountability. It should
start in seminary training, but since many pastors do not attend seminary, it
needs to be taught by pastoral mentors or perhaps national offices. The church
can no longer assume this is not happening. Nor can she turn her head. Nor
can she blame the victim. Fortune recommends a clarification of ethical
standards for ministry. Perhaps a clarification from the national headquarters of
the Church of God, Anderson, Indiana, as to more detailed ethics of ministry
would enlighten and teach many of those pastors who have not attended
seminary. Fortune also suggests that,". . . they [pastors] need to learn to care
for their own emotional and sexual needs in appropriate ways. They need to be
encouraged to seek consultation with professional peers in order to avoid
isolation in their pastoral roles."115
Affairs, sexual indiscretions and moral failures are certainly nothing new in
the life of the church. This does not mean, however, that they should be
114
Fortune, 102.
115
lbid, 106.
-116regarded as a "fact of life" or "inevitable." Spirit filled, Christian people can and
do fall into sexual sin because of a lack of education and information as to how
this occurs. If it can happen to David, a man after God's own heart, it can
happen to anyone.
CHAPTER FOUR
IMPLICATIONS AND RECOMMENDATIONS
The survey results indicated that pastors are very aware of the problem of
divorce in the church. Some of them believe they have a handle on the problem
but the majority of them do not have a clear course of action in dealing with
divorce as it affects the local church. There is strong indication that pastors want
guidance and leadership from the national offices of the Church of God
(Anderson, IN). Certainly, concerning a crisis of this magnitude, it will take
serious interest, input and involvement from the national headquarters and state
administrators in order to raise consciousness and implement change. It is the
goal of this dissertation/project to provide a number of options from which the
church, either at the national, state or local level, may choose should she decide
to pursue this dilemma.
NATIONAL LEVEL
RECOMMENDATION ONE OF NINE
RECLAIM MARRIAGE AND FAMILY FROM THE CULTURE OF DIVORCE
It is recommended that the church create a national task force whose sole
purpose is to research the culture of divorce and present recommendations for
programmatic change to the church. The research may start with this
dissertation/project and its recommendations and progress in whatever direction
it deems necessary (i.e., strategies from the social sciences to reclaim marriage
and family for the church). This organization should not be a one time evaluation
-117-
116
Michael J. McManus, Marriage Savers. Helping Your Friends and Family Avoid
Divorce (Grand Rapids: Zondervan Publishing House, 1993), 293-318.
-121-
NATIONAL LEVEL
RECOMMENDATION THREE OF NINE
CREATE MARRIAGE SAVER CONGREGATIONS AS A NATIONAL PROJECT
FOR OUR CHURCHES
After the creation of an organizational marriage policy, churches may then
be trained in how to create a marriage saver church. "Marriage Savers is a
ministry which equips local communities, principally through local congregations,
to help men and women to: prepare for marriage, strengthen existing marriages,
and restore troubled marriages."119 The core solution, which may be
implemented by any church, is a concept called the "Mentor Couple."120 Mentor
couples are couples in healthy marriages but are back from the brink of divorce.
In other words, mentor couples have had their own serious marital problems but
they overcame them, stayed together and have healthy marriages. These
couples are, "untapped resources of marital knowledge,"121 and may be survivors
of such crises as alcoholism, abuse or adultery.
These mentor couples are trained to administer premarital inventories and
then to discuss the results with the couple. They are also trained to administer
exercises to help couples prepare a budget, improve communication and conflict
119
lbid, 5.
-122resolution skills, and set personal and couple goals. "Also included is an
'Optional Premarital Sexual Covenant,' an opportunity for premarital couples to
pledge chastity until their wedding."122 These mentor couples are trained to work
from materials which may be purchased through Marriage Savers. These
materials are recommended because they have been created specifically for the
church.
NATIONAL LEVEL
RECOMMENDATION FOUR OF NINE
WRITE GRANTS SECURING FUNDS TO ASSIST CHURCHES WHO WISH TO
STRENGTHEN MARRIAGE AND FAMILY
The programs recommended herein have been created and developed by
the above-mentioned organization, Marriage Savers. These programs have a
fully developed curriculum specifically designed for the church. Although the
expense of these materials is not exorbitant, let the national headquarters of the
Church of God resolve that cost will never be a factor for churches who want to
expand their ministry in this direction by providing financial assistance to the local
church.
STATE LEVEL
RECOMMENDATION FIVE OF NINE
STATE OFFICES MAY BECOME A RESOURCE CENTER AND WORK WITH
THE NATIONAL OFFICES TO DISSEMINATE INFORMATION AND CAST A
VISION FOR THE CHURCHES IN EACH STATE
Ibid, 5-6.
-123-
123
124
lbid, 16.
-125staffs, and/or creating district or regional counseling agencies who will administer
marriage counseling which upholds the biblical standard of the organizational
marriage policy. Persons who administer marital counseling in the local church
must possess a bias toward marriage. They must uphold the marriage
commitment and downplay divorce. They must possess confidence and training
in leading couples through their marital problems into reconciliation.
The local church may become a "divorce busting"125 entity which sees
itself as an effective force to influence persons on the brink of divorce to work
through their marital problems. Pastors, counselors and lay persons must resist
the impulse to give into the hopelessness which couples may feel about their
marriages and exert godly influence to make marriages work by walking
alongside the couple.
LOCAL CHURCH LEVEL
RECOMMENDATION NINE OF NINE
UTILIZE THOSE IN OUR CONGREGATIONS WHO HAVE BEEN
DEVASTATED BY DIVORCE TO TELL THEIR STORY IN ORDER TO HELP
OPEN THE EYES OF THE CHURCH TO THE ANGUISH AND BROKENNESS
OF DIVORCE
If the church is to be called to arms, what then shall we do with those in
our ranks who are divorced? The church may call them to arms also. I
challenge those who are divorced Christians to rise up and volunteer to be
placed on the front line. We minister to a generation who sees divorce as a
-126viable option, even in the church. Let the church rise up and tell the story of the
devastation and destruction which divorce brings by soliciting her people who
have been wounded and broken. Perhaps it is time to call forth the children of
divorce among our ranks to tell their stories. All this is not intended to hurt the
wounded more, instead it is intended to utilize them to reveal the anguish of
divorce and perhaps to help save a culture of divorce from repeating its cycle
over and over.
Certainly, this is not a platform for those who have initiated unbiblical
divorce. Nor does this need to be a platform to degrade, demean or bash one's
x-spouse or share personal information which may embarrass others. This may,
however, be a platform and a healing resource for those who have been
abandoned and/or divorced against their will. It may serve as an occasion for
the Body of Christ to hear and minister to those who have been devastated by
divorce. It may also serve to teach and enlighten our young people that though
divorce is thought of as casual in this society, it carries with it a profound depth of
pain, separation and brokenness.
CONS
The most serious concern was expense. It was suggested that national
and state offices are already running on shoestring budgets.
Creating a unified approach to divorce on the national level may be
-130-
PROS
Expand this to include regional offices. Many states do not have state
offices but are run by regional offices.
State offices would be more accessible to the local churches than the
national offices would.
This delegates responsibility providing efficient trickle-down effect.
CONS
This could potentially die at the state office level unless they have a heart
for it.
State offices are very busy already.
Some state offices are not equipped or properly structured to disseminate
information.
FORMAL EDUCATIONAL LEVEL
RECOMMENDATION SIX OF NINE
TEACH AND TRAIN MASTERS LEVEL SEMINARIANS AND DOCTORAL
PARTICIPANTS THE MARRIAGE SAVER MODEL AND ENCOURAGE THEM
TO IMPLEMENT THIS PROGRAM IN THEIR CONGREGATIONS
PROS
Create a continuing education option for pastors so as to prepare more
ministers with this model.
This will help the ministers strengthen their own marriage.
This recommendation needs to be presented for bachelors level ministers
also. They represent the majority of pastors.
This could be incorporated into the pastoral care level curriculum of the
bachelors programs. It could be more effective in that most pastors may
not obtain masters and doctorates.
CONS
None.
-131-
CHAPTER FIVE
CONCLUSION:
IMPLICATIONS FOR MINISTRY
What this research implies is that at this time in history, the church
possesses a great responsibility. It seems as though in the 1970's she never
really knew what hit her. The church reacted to a landslide of divorce in the only
way she knew how, by the implementation of marriage enrichment programs
initiated by the Board of Christian Education, by the creation of divorce recovery
workshops and by articles addressing the dilemma in Vital Christianity. But in
the terms of warfare, she may have never known precisely who her enemy was.
The research indicates that the decadent culture was blamed; that individualism
and entitlement were the culprits; and that divorce was erroneously thought to
have been limited to those marriages which had irreparably broken down. On a
more simplified level, the invention of television and the automobile was
supposed to have changed the face of marriage and family in the twentieth
century.126 However, while all of these elements may have been contributing
factors to the formation of the dilemma, the introduction of no-fault divorce was
the major breach in the dam that flooded the church with divorce.
There now exists a new generation of the church. This generation has
been shaped by children of divorced parents, by cohabitation, by an increasing
desensitization to divorce and by blended families. If the church is not very
126
Kenneth E. Jones, Divorce and Remarriage in the Bible (Anderson, IN: Warner
Press, 1989), 6-9.
-134-
-135careful, she may unknowingly and innocently become part of the problem instead
of part of the solution. This issue must be revisited with a sense of renewed
vision and commitment to the restoration of marriage and family to God's
creative design.
As stated previously by the Council on Families in America, "Our nation's
increasingly casual acceptance of divorce as a normative experience for millions
of parents and children should be a cause for profound alarm, not resignation,
passivity, and excuse-making."127 That same document goes on to say, "No one
sector of society is responsible for the decline of marriage. We are all part of the
problem, and therefore we all must be part of the solution."128 The tide
apparently seems to be shifting in society. There are great strides being made
by secular organizations to reestablish marriage in this nation. The following is a
brief summary of some of those efforts being made.
It only takes minimal research to uncover a surprising number of marriage
initiative organizations whose goal is to preserve marriage and family in America.
There are organizations whose goal is to get information about marriage out of
the research labs and to the public (i.e., CMFCE); there are organizations which
advertise and market a vast selection of self-help materials (i.e., Divorce
Busting); there are organizations which are working through the local
communities and community churches to create community marriage policies
127
128
lbid, 14.
-136(i.e., Marriage Savers); and there are organizations which are active on the
political scene to effect change in the divorce laws (i.e., Americans for Divorce
Reform). There are many which exist and the number is growing because
concerned Americans are stepping up to the plate in massive efforts to curtail
the divorce rate in America.
130
-141We have to reach a point in our Christian maturity whereby we move past
our feelings of "personal privilege" and acknowledge and obey a higher calling that of a Christian example and role model to a generation who follows. Will our
legacy to the generation following in our footsteps be, "Follow me as I work out
my own agenda and personal privilege," or "Follow me as I model Christian
responsibility and faithfulness"?
The new voice of which I speak is not to rehash all the hair-splitting
opinions about who can divorce and who cannot. This theme is entirely
overdone in the Christian literature. This new voice would speak with authority
that God's design is to seek godly seed or offspring. This new voice would
speak with confidence that Christians need to put the good of the children and
family first. We must preach, teach and counsel responsibility to a higher calling,
that of perpetuating the lineage of the Christian faith.
Referring again to Malachi, the Lord shows high regard for marriage
because it is the training ground for children. To treat marriage lightly is to show
disrespect for one's children, who need a safe, secure, spiritual, and loving
environment in which they can be nurtured, trained, and developed into godly
adults who will continue the pattern into future generations. "The idolaters of
Malachi's day were not just being unfaithful to God and unfaithful to their wives they were also destroying the concept of family, by means of which they were
133
P.C. Craigie, Twelve Prophets, The Daily Study Bible Series, Vol. 2
(Louisville: Westminister John Knox Press, 1985), 236.
CHAPTER SIX
SUGGESTIONS FOR FURTHER RESEARCH
Research into the realm of legislation would be a worthy goal for the
church. If for nothing else, to understand what is happening to the civil laws so
that the church may be enlightened in this area. At this time, there exists major
attempts to reverse some of the damage brought about by no-fault divorce. The
following summary is from the organization called Divorce Reform which is
mentioned above.135
In the past ten years many professionals and state legislators have come
together with a united goal of putting the brakes on no-fault divorce laws. These
goals include such things as the introduction of "covenant marriage" (which
couples may choose instead of traditional marriage) and the consent of both
spouses for no-fault divorce
Three states (Louisiana, Arkansas, and Arizona) have adopted covenant
marriage laws and 20 other states have considered adding covenant marriage
laws. Covenant marriage is an alternative to traditional marriage. It requires that
spouses take an oath making a lifelong commitment to marriage and that they
get premarital counseling. Divorce is only allowed in limited circumstances, such
as abuse, adultery, addiction, and felony imprisonment. Spouses must be
separated for a specified period of time and go to marital counseling before a
135
-144divorce will be granted. These laws are trying to put the brakes on quickie
divorces by fostering a renewed commitment to having a long-term marriage.
Persons who are already married may also convert to a covenant marriage. In
this situation, it is not necessary to have premarital counseling or to apply for a
marriage license and go through a marriage ceremony.
Covenant marriage has gotten off to a slow start but hopefully it will take
root in the coming years. The states who presently have covenant marriage laws
report that couples by and large do not opt for this type of marriage. However, it
would be an excellent alternative for clergy to use covenant marriage as the
requirement to marry couples in the church. What this would involve is to pass
covenant marriage legislation in all states so that there would be consistency
across the board. One of the criticisms of this type of marriage is that if a couple
changes their minds, they can file for divorce in another state whose laws do not
recognize a covenant option.
The primary argument for covenant marriage is that it will strengthen
marriage and lower the divorce rate. Also, that the result may be stronger and
happier marriages since couples will be better prepared for marriage because of
premarital counseling. Another argument for covenant marriage is that a longer
waiting period plus required counseling may increase the chances of a couple
working their problems out and staying married before getting a quick and easy
divorce.
-145-
Opponents of the covenant marriage laws argue that couples may face
social pressure or pressure from members of the clergy to sign covenant
marriage agreements. This is weak because the one place that an emphasis on
life-long commitment should be emphasized is in the church. Clergy should
have more leverage in stressing marriage as covenantal in nature. Other
arguments against covenant marriage include the concern that the restrictions on
divorce could lead to nasty court battles when one spouse wants a divorce and
the other does not. The limited circumstances in which divorce is allowed could
also lead spouses to engage in activities, such as adultery, in order to get a
divorce. Finally, the waiting period and marital counseling required for getting a
divorce may make it difficult for women to leave abusive relationships and
increase their chances of being harmed by their spouse.
DIVORCE BY MUTUAL CONSENT
John Crouch founder and director of Americans for Divorce Reform
resides in Virginia where activists are advocating for divorce reform. The Family
Foundation of Virginia is pushing for changes to the state's no-fault divorce laws.
They intend to lobby the General Assembly to make changes to the existing
divorce laws. They are proposing what would be an enormous modification to
no-fault divorce which is called "mutual consent" and it applied to families who
have children under the age of 18. In a nutshell it completely dismantles
unilateral, no-fault divorce by giving the other spouse the ability to object or put
another way, a divorce may be granted only if both parties "agree" to the divorce.
-147-
APPENDIX A
CGM is the sole owner of all data obtained and stored by Church of God
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the User.
2.
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purposes outside the World Ministries Budget, or the distribution of chain
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All data obtained from CGM by the Use will not be added to or used for
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5.
The User understands that any of the field data being provided by CGM is
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CGM reserves the right to choose not to provide any or all of its data to
the User.
-148-
I have read the above terms regarding the use of data provided by CGM and
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APPENDIX B
COPY OF CONSENT FORM FOR CASE STUDIES
Consent Form
I give permission for Jan Murphy to use my case study anonymously in her
dissertation at Anderson University School of Theology and in any writing that
may develop from that dissertation.
Name
Date
Witness
-150APPENDIX C
An Overview of Marriage Savers
by Michael J. McManus
President, Marriage Savers
The Disintegration of Marriage
The central domestic problem of our time is the disintegration of marriage. The
9/11 act of terrorism killed 3,000 people. However since 9/11 there have been 4
million divorces involving 4 million children. That is 1,333 times worse. Yet
this tragedy received no public notice. There are four elements of the marriage
crisis:
Marriage: The marriage rate has plunged 48% since 1970.[TJ If the same
percentage of couples were marrying now as in 1970, there would be a million
more marriages a y e a r - 3.3 million marriages, not 2.2 million. The percent of
never-married 30-44 year-olds tripled from 14% to 44%.
Divorce: Half of all new marriages end in divorce. There have been 38 million
divorces since 1970 hurting 35 million children. One quarter of all adults age 1835 have grown up in divorced families.
Cohabitation: The number of unmarried couples living together has soared 12fold from 430,000 in 1960 to 5 million now.[2] There are only 2.2 million
marriages a year. Thus, cohabitation has become the dominant way malefemale unions are formed. Those who marry after living together are 50% more
likely to divorce than those who did not.
Unwed births: Out-of wedlock births jumped from 5.3% to 34.6% or from
224,000 to 1.4 million children from 1960-2003. Cohabiting couples are as likely
to have a child under 18 as married couples (42% vs. 45%).
The Legacy of Divorce
Each divorce is the destruction of a small civilization. Children of divorce are
three times as likely as those from intact homes to be expelled or to have a baby
as a teenager, five times as apt to live in poverty and are 12 times more likely to
be incarcerated according to the Heritage Foundation.
More disturbing, when children of divorce reach adulthood, only 60% marry and
they are more likely to divorce.{3] Even those who avoid calamity find that their
structure of childhood itself is inextricably altered by their parents divorce leaving
them with feelings of loss and loneliness, reports Elizabeth Marquardt in her
2005 book, Between Two Worlds. "Kids with divorced parents are kicked back
and forth like a football," she writes. "Growing up in two worlds creates endless
and often painful complications for a child."
-151Nor is divorce good for adults. Divorced men are twice as likely to die in any
given year as married men of heart disease, stroke, hypertension or cancer, four
times as apt to die in accidents, seven times higher by cirrhosis of the liver and
pneumonia, 8-fold greater by murder. Married men live ten years longer than
divorced men.[4J Divorced women also live shorter lives.
Houses of worship are responsible in part for this failure. They marry 86% of
Americans reports a Hart Poll, but not well. Pollster George Barna estimates that
39% of Protestants have divorced, more than the 37% divorce rate of atheists
and agnostics. And 35% of born-again Americans have divorced. In fact, 23% of
bom-again Christians have divorced twice! Among Pentecostals, the figure is
42% (but only 25% among Catholics). Sadly, many churches, are "wedding
factories."
The Community Marriage Policy
Marriage Savers has developed proven alternatives to these trends. We have
helped the clergy of 197 cities and towns (by 10/05) to adopt a Community
Marriage Policy with the goal to "radically reduce the divorce rate in area
churches," as Modesto, CA, pastors put it in the first covenant in 1986. Clergy
join together across denominational and racial lines and sign a covenant to make
healthy marriages a priority in their congregations. Specifically, in Community
Marriage Policies, religious leaders pledge to train Mentor Couples to help
other couples at every stage of the marital life cycle to achieve six great goals:
1. Avoid a bad marriage before it begins by administering a premarital
inventory to give couples an objective view of their relational strengths and areas
for growth. Approximately 10% of couples who take an inventory decide not to
marry. Studies indicate that those who break an engagement have the same
scores as those who marry and later divorce. They have avoided a bad marriage
before it begins.
2. Give "marriage insurance" to the engaged a 95% guarantee that their
marriage will go the distance. In the church of Mike & Harriet McManus, of 302
couples who prepared for marriage from 1992-2000, 21 dropped out of the
course, mostly to break up. Another 34 couples completed the process, and
decided not to marry. That's more than 50 couples who decided NOT to marry is a high 18% dropout rate. However, of those couples who did marry, there have
been only seven divorces. That's a 3% failure rate -or a 97% success rate
over a decade. [5] Other churches have performed even better, with no divorces
in 4-6 years.
3. Enrich all existing marriages by conducting an annual week-end event at
the church, using a marital inventory, speakers, or videos.
-1524. Restore four out of five troubled marriages with trained "back-from-thebrink couples" (whose own marriages once nearly failed) to mentor couples
currently in crisis. A couple nearly driven apart by adultery who survived has
something to say to a couple in a crisis over adultery.
5. Reconcile the separated using a self-guided workbook course, "Reconciling
God's Way." A same gender Support Partner meets with the spouse trying to
save their marriage for 12 weeks. Reconciling God's Way heals more than half of
the separated.
6. Help stepfamilies succeed by creating "Stepfamily Support Groups" that give
couples with children from a previous marriage a place and a plan to learn how
to be successful parents and partners. Instead of losing 70% of stepparents to
divorce, this program saves 80% of remarriages.
Results of Community Marriage Policies
However, if churches work together to reduce divorce, they are able to do so. A
major study was released Spring, 2004, at the National Press Club with evidence
from 114 cities that if clergy cooperate across denominational lines with a
strategy to reduce the divorce rate - they are able to do so. The study,
Assessing the Impact of Community Marriage Policies on U.S. County
Divorce Rates by the Institute for Research and Evaluation of Salt Lake City,
cites a 2003 poll by Peter Hart indicating that 86% of weddings are performed by
pastors, priests and rabbis.{6] Gallup reports that 70% of couples are members
of a church or synagogue and that 43% attend in any given week. However,
while organized religion has access to most couples, the United States has the
world's highest divorce rate.
The Institute examined the impact of 114 Community Marriage Policies
(CMP's) in 122 counties that were signed by 2000. U.S. divorce rates have been
declining slightly. Therefore, the Institute developed two ways to take the U.S.
decline into account:
1. Before and After Comparison: It measured the annual decline of the divorce
rate in CMP counties for five years before clergy signed the CMP covenant,
compared to what happened after the CMP was signed. In fact, the divorce
decline "accelerated" to fall "almost twice as fast on average, as before the
Community Marriage Policies were signed." CMP county divorce rates declined
by 1.4% a year before the CMP Policy was signed, and by 2.3% a year
afterwards.
2. CMP Counties vs. Comparison Counties: The Institute then compared the
results of CMP counties with comparison counties in each state whose divorce
rate decline was virtually the same before the signing, but which did not sign a
CMP covenant. The Institute also found counties in each state whose divorce
rates were falling about the same before the CMP was signed. Comparison
counties declined by 2.1% prior to the signing year compared to only a 1%
-153decline afterwards. The difference in these two rates of decline is that CMP
counties enjoyed a 2% greater decline in the divorce rate per year than did
the comparison counties.
These numbers were projected for seven years, because of the varying years
that CMPs were agreed upon. Divorce rates in cities or counties without a CMP
fell by 9.4% over seven years, while those with a Community Marriage Policy fell
by 17.5% on average. Thus, CMP divorce rates fell at nearly twice that of paired
cities. Divorce rates plunged by 48% or more in seven cities such as Austin and
El Paso, TX, Kansas City, MO, Modesto, CA, and Salem, OR.
Deck Stacked Against Any Results: At the press conference, Dr. Stan Weed,
President of the Institute for Research and Evaluation, said, "The results are
important, not because of their magnitude, which is modest, but because there
are any results at all. The deck was stacked against finding a program effect.
Community Marriage Policies depend on local volunteers of varying degrees of
motivation, commitment and ability and with high turnover. There's wide variation
in program implementation. The proportion of signed congregations is often
small, while the data is countywide. Serious training of mentor couples began in
1998. Under these conditions, finding a significant program effect is actually
pretty surprising." Weed estimated that in the 114 cities "about 31,000 divorces
were averted and that is a conservative estimate. It is not at all unreasonable to
say there were 50,000." However, his paper published in "Family Relations" uses
the more conservative figure of 31,000 averted divorces.
Cohabitation Rates Fall in CMP cities: One other significant finding of the
study is that counties with Community Marriage Policies were able to reduce
their cohabitation rates, while they rose in comparison counties. From 19902000, cohabitation rates fell by 13.4% in cities with Community Marriage
Policies while they increased by 19.2% in comparison counties.
David Blankenhorn of the Institute of American Values hosting the press
conference, asserted, "This is the first national study which has shown us with
hard evidence that the programs are having the desired effect of strengthening
marriage and lowering the divorce rate."
Dr. Wade Horn, HHS Assistant Secretary, added, "One criticism of the
President's "Healthy Marriage Initiative" is that there's no evidence that this will
actually work. This study addresses that question. The fact that they found effect
for a program that had variable implementation is nothing short of extraordinary.
And this happened not in one or two cities, but in more than 100 cities."
Diane Sollee, Director of Smart Marriages, and the former Associate Director of
the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy, told reporters, "I
come out of what I call the therapy industry. As therapy grew in power and
acceptance in 60s, 70s, and 80s, we took marriage away from congregations
and the community. Sophisticated clergy persons knew that if a couple is having
-154trouble, they should refer them out to the experts. This research and this
Community Marriage Policy program with Marriage Savers churches shows
how important it is to put marriages back into the churches and the communities
who can take better care of them."
The Core Answer: The Mentor Couple
How are these communities reducing their divorce rates? Marriage Savers offers
a core solution that can be implemented by any church, synagogue or mosque.
As noted above:
In every congregation there are couples in healthy marriages who could be
helpful to other couples, but have never been invited, inspired or trained to
do so.
Why are Mentor Couples able to save 80% to 90% of the worst marriages when
therapists save less than 20% according to Consumer Reports? The major
reason marriages fail is selfishness, while selflessness makes the best ones
joyous. How do you move a couple from selfishness to selflessness? It requires
a moral choice, not therapy. Each spouse can choose to be less selfish. How?
We think the best motivator is a walking parable of a couple who has done it, a
"back-from-the-brink couple," in which one person has recovered from
alcoholism, for example, meeting with a couple in crisis over the excesses of
drinking. Couple A can say, "We know alcoholism can destroy a marriage. It
nearly killed ours. But Bill became a member of AA, and I joined Al-Anon. We
can testify that alcoholism can be controlled. We have done it. You can too. Let
us tell you our story and pray with you about this."
Marriage Savers shows how to recruit and train those mentors who can save up
to 9 out of 10 troubled marriages. These couples are an untapped resource of
marital knowledge. Some have survived crises such as alcoholism, abuse, or
infidelity. Others have successfully transformed a stepfamily into a blended
family. Many exemplary marriages have gone the distance without major crises.
But the wisdom of all of these couples lays dormant in most congregations.
Marriage Savers trains couples in healthy marriages to be Mentor Couples to
help other couples create stable relationships at every stage of the marital life
cycle. Following is how Mentors prepare couples for marriage:
A. The Inventory:
Mentors administer the FOCCUS premarital inventory which includes up to 189
relational issues to discuss. The engaged couple agrees or disagrees with
statements such as:
-155 At times I am concerned about the silent treatment I get from my future spouse.
I am concerned that my future spouse sometimes spends money foolishly.
The inventory gives a premarital couple an opportunity to talk about issues they
didn't know they needed to discuss. The inventory results are a bridge across the
generations, giving the Mentor Couple specific issues that the young couple
needs to discuss and a rare opportunity for the Mentors to pass on the wisdom
that has made their marriage successful. Mentors might say, "The silent
treatment does not work in a marriage; it provokes needless anger." Or "Neither
of us will spend more than $100 without consulting the other."
B. Couple Exercises:
Trained Mentors also administer up to 18 exercises to help couples prepare a
budget, improve communication and conflict resolution skills, and set personal
and couple goals. Also included is an "Optional Premarital Sexual Covenant," an
opportunity for premarital couples to pledge chastity until their wedding. Of 52
couples mentored by Mike & Harriet McManus, only 7 were chaste. Of the
remaining 45, 43 signed the Covenant, promising abstinence and accountability
to their Mentors. Results: The mentorees all agreed that their communication
improved and their respect for each other increased. Of the 52 couples, 9 chose
not to marry. But we do not know of any divorces of the rest, though one is now
experiencing problems.
C. Cohabitation:
More than half of couples marrying are living together. Cohabitation is a major
engine of unstable marriages, divorce, and a declining marriage rate. As
cohabitation has soared 10-fold since 1970, the number of never-married
Americans has increased from 21 million to 52 million. It's no wonder the
marriage rate has fallen 48%. Furthermore, couples who cohabit are 50% more
likely to divorce than those who never live together.
Marriage Savers has created unique resources to address this problem in a
positive way. A new section of our Marriage Savers Mentors' Guide gives
Mentors valuable information to pass on to cohabiting couples regarding the
risks they are courting. Suggestions on how clergy might handle this sensitive
subject are outlined. Special exercises unique to living together couples are
included. Using these materials with mentorees can reduce the likelihood of
divorce and increase the probability of marital stability. Mentors are also
equipped with how they might persuade couples to move apart, reducing conflict,
aligning their relationship with God's will, and giving them a fresh beginning at
their wedding.
D. Increasing Marriage Rates
Finally, cities with Community Marriage Policies are beginning to see their
-156marriage rates rise. In Evansville, IN, for example, the divorce rate began
declining shortly after the Community Marriage Policy was signed in 1996, falling
11.6% through 2004. However, the marriage rate remained flat through 2003, but
then jumped in 2004 by 28% from 1,105 marriages in 2003 to 1,417. In Dalton,
GA, a Community Marriage Policy signed in January, 2003, sparked a 29%
increase in the marriage rate in 2004-2005 compared with 2000-2002.
Marriage Savers Congregations Virtually Eliminate Divorce
What's most important to individual pastors and couples is that divorce can be
virtually eliminated in the local church. In 2002-3 ten churches received
"Marriage Savers Congregation Awards" because they had a total of only about
one divorce each in 4-7 years! Four of the churches have 1,000 or more
members. How is this possible? Marriage Savers Congregations have
implemented all of the reforms outlined above and have Mentor Couples working
at every stage of marriage. The Mentors have virtually created a "safety net"
under every marriage. Examples:
1. Killearn United Methodist Church, the largest Protestant church in
Tallahassee with 3,000 members, has prepared nearly 150 couples for marriage
since 1999, and it has worked with 30 couples whose marriages were headed
toward divorce. None of those premarital or troubled marriages have divorced.
Furthermore, Richard Albertson, who inspired this Marriage Savers
Congregation, created a Tallahassee Community Marriage Policy that pushed
down citywide divorces by 13% in only three years - 10 times the divorce drop in
similar cities. (850 668-3700)
2. Christ Lutheran Church in Overland Park, KS, with 1,300 members, has
prepared 35 couples for marriage since 1996 and worked with more than a
dozen couples in crisis. Again, there have been no divorces of those couples
who have been mentored by this Missouri Synod Lutheran Church thanks to
Pastor Jeff Meyers (913 345-9700)
3. Bread of Life Church is 10 miles away in the ghetto of Kansas City, KS. With
140 members, Pastor LeRoy Sullivan first enriched the marriages of eight Mentor
Couples, who then enthusiastically helped seven couples prepare for marriage,
none of whom have divorced. They also worked with three troubled marriages,
losing one to divorce. Equally important, Pastor Sullivan challenged seven
couples who were living together to marry or move apart. He hesitated to do so
since most were tithers. "My biggest sinners were my biggest givers," he
observed. Remarkably, five couples did marry and two separated. That
transformed this inner city church from mostly women and children to couples
and children. (913 371-5433 or 816 803-6771)
-1581. See Marriage Insurance for Premarital Couples, by Michael J. McManus and
Catherine Latimer, a paper on the website, www.marriaqesavers.org.
2. The State of Our Unions 2005,The Social Health of Marriage in America, The
National Marriage Project by David Popenow and Barbara Dafoe Whitehead.
3. Ibid.
4. Judith Wallerstein, Julia Lewis and Sandra Blakeslee, The Unexpected
Legacy of Divorce, Hyperion, New York, 2000.
5. Linda Waite & Maggie Gallagher, The Case for Marriage: Why Married People
Are Happier, Healthier, and Better Off Financially, Doubleday, New York, 2000.
6. Paul James Birch, Stan E. Weed and Joseph Olsen, "Assessing the Impact of
Community Marriage Policies on County Divorce Rates, Family Relations,
October, 2004, Vol. 53, No.5.
-159APPENDIX D
COMMENTARY BY CHURCH LEADERSHIP
-161I feel that divorce is NOT the unforgivable sin and that we should NOT
treat those as such but that we should try our best to encourage couples to
honor their wedding vows and as long as a person is not being abused mentally
or physically, but if that person still gets a divorce we need to love that person
unconditionally.
It is a repeating problem in the church and society. I have found that
many do not truly understand the seriousness of the marriage covenant between
a man and a woman (I do not acknowledge same-sex marriages!). It is well
documented that over 60% of marriages in the church end in divorce and I
believe that it's due to the selfishness that prevails in our world today, also, the
attack of the devil on the whole institution of marriage. Those of us who know
what the Word says knows that the spiritual warfare against the church has
greatly increased in the last 30-40 years. It is very important that we continue to
work on our marriages everyday or they will fall apart.
The church's role is one that should be the standard; not following with the
times, but consistent with the teachings of Jesus. Marriage is an institution
ordained by God and when done according to His commandments, it is blessed.
Our society does not teach anything about commitment and the church does.
People want the easy way for everything; no sticking together thru thick and thin,
I want what I want and that's it. There's no talk of coming together, only, "He's
my baby's daddy!!!!"
When I came to the church, there were at least four couples in which
one or both had been apart of a divorce. I have two couples now who are in
leadership positions who have divorced, remarried, and get along fine with each
other. Our congregation is small to the point where I need them to serve and
they are willing to do so. People who have gone thru this have to have a place to
come where they can be healed and set free in the name of Jesus.
I believe that divorce anywhere is a very serious problem and Christians
should take a stand against the evil that often is done through it. However, I
believe that Christians need to love and support those going through divorce.
Christians need to teach the need of good family relationships, love and
support for all in the family. Teach the harm done in lives of those that have gone
through divorce. Show family members how to overcome the problems they
often face in marriage.
Let's strike out against the sin that causes divorce and love those that
are caught up in it. I truly believe that as the family goes so goes the church. If
we fail in growing strong families we will fail to have a strong and healthy church.
-162Generally, I feel the church has lost the "long view" of marriage and the
understanding that many of the issues that arise in marriages are normal and
can be worked through. However, without the "long view" many times the effort to
work through issues will not be made. We have also generally done a poor job of
pre-marital counseling. Not enough of our churches offer dynamic, quality
classes for married couples so they can recognize threats to their marriage
before they happen, not just after-the-fact. In addition to teaching/preaching
about the Biblical position on divorce, we should be counseling earlier, preengagement. Couples mentoring programs should be started prior to marriage.
More quality classes, as referenced previously, for married couples.
I believe God intended marriage for a lifetime. Divorce breaks the family
unit and damages the members. It also has a negative effect on the family of
faith. Divorce is a lack of love, not emotional but a love of choice. Choosing to
love someone is to lookout for their best interest and surrendering your desires
for their benefit. Divorce in the church is a sign of the lack of love. Proper love is
most often not taught in our churches today.
The role of the church is to teach the love of God for a sinful humanity. If
this message is not taught people will not come face to face with the real issue in
their life that effects the lives of those around them, that is their sinfulness and
separation from God. This may sound simple and trite but it is a foundational
point that is all too often being missed today. The battle of the church is for the
heart and minds of people. If the heart and mind is changed through a salvation
experience then there is hope for the divorce rate within and without of the
church. Nothing much will change until the pastors and preachers of the church
return to the foundational message of sin and salvation.
There should be vigorous educational/scriptural teaching from Anderson,
about divorce, There are so many diverse opinions from so many senior pastors
about this subject.
Issues with divorce begin with issues regarding parenting the children
who grow up to believe that divorce is an acceptable option regardless of what
the problems are. As children watch parents who don't communicate well, don't
plan their lives together well, and don't invest in family time well (vacations,
family nights, supporting one another's sporting or musical events) they learn to
see that people can lead separate lives under the same roof.
Curriculum for children that highly esteems marriage and teaches that
marriage is between a man and a woman would be a start. A vital men's ministry
that is intentional about helping men listen and communicate with warmth is
essential. Women seem to naturally develop support and accountability groups.
Men need to be encouraged to do so and must be given the structure in order to
have this kind of experience. When people live in isolation, it is easy to maintain
the "status quo." Date nights sponsored by the church, marriage "health" check
ups with professionals who come in to do weekend retreats, preaching on the
complicated by the issue of abuse for in many cases abuse is a major factor.
Maiolica's verse about God hates divorce is only a part of the whole verse which
states that he also "hates a man who clothes himself in violence". Thus, even
there it seems to admit that abuse is common in the divorce dilemma. I think
divorce must be taught as something to be discouraged, marriage valued as an
ultimate human covenant, but we must also be graceful to divorced, helping with
same way they go into Christianity. What can I get, not what I can give. Until we
install this in our children we won't see much improvement in marriage nor in
influence of the institution of the church in our world. (39 of 91).
We take divorce in most cases with extreme apathy in my opinion.
-165I believe that we neglect to let God choose our mate. I teach youth to pray
now for their future mate and believe that will alleviate a large percentage of
divorces. As for those who divorce who are in the church
the ones I know of
had a biblical reason.
The church must teach and model unconditional, self-sacrificing love. The
teaching/preaching ministries of the church must emphasize in word and deed
that Christ is to be the center of all Christian relationship and that Christ like love
looks for the best good for the other before one's own self interest. The battle is
over the culture's view of rights and self-interest/self-preservation. The church
and her people must model the selflessness and sacrificial nature of the Gospel
through all her relationships, including marriage relationships. The church also
has the responsibility to teach about grace and the forgiveness of sins. It must
always stand against ostracizing any persons/group of people and should be
offering the healing grace of God to those who are hurting relationally. Those
who are branded with a big "D" because they are divorced are among the
marginalized who need the care and love of the church.
It is an embarrassment to God's people that our divorce rate is essentially
the same as the non-believing world. Couples MUST have pre-marital
preparation prior to marriage and a church MUST have options to strengthen and
restore relationships! The church must be about the "business" of marriage
preparation, enrichment, and restoration. We must also offer concrete recovery
ministries to support those who are divorced. Their children must be supported
as well.
I think that the seeds of divorce are often sown before the ceremony in
terms of preparation, family history, lack of spiritual and physical maturity.
Leaders have to take their own relationships more seriously so they can teach on
it with passion and integrity. Divorce is a reality and the church must care for
those who have been wounded by divorce as well as put in place preventive
measures to discourage and prevent it from happening.
We should refuse to marry couples without providing serious counseling,
not just a 1-3 session pep talk. Maintain the right not to marry couples even after
counseling. Provide classes and workshops that encourage healthy relationships
prior to and after marriage
People have combined their Christianity with the values of the society.
It is not seen as bad in the community, so it is easier to buy into it. Most
Christians do not take their call to holiness seriously, they see it as
unrealistic. Why would God want anyone to live in an unhappy relationship,
they say. Many divorces happen because of the need to be happy now idea
and don't seek out guidance for the relationship in the first place.
-166I think we need to have older couples come along side the younger in a
mentoring relationship. We need to lay out the biblical standards of holiness
in all areas of our lives, not just when it fits us.
The Pastor Prayer Fellowship here in my community asked the
President of the local school district what we could do to help the schools and
the administration raise up good kids, his reply "Keep their parents married."
The secular community, even the public school system, knows one of the
biggest problems our children face today is that moms and dads aren't
together in the home. There may be a body(s) but they become one of many
and the damage that this brings about extends far into the lives of our
children.
What are your thoughts on divorce in the church? double-edged sword,
divorce has become too easy in church. At the same time there are many
factors that lead to divorce & not expressed in the biblical text. Those things
must be considered. Divorce has also been taught incorrectly in church &
most of us are confused. Consequently, divorcees become throwalways/outcasts in the church. There are conditions although "unfortunate"
where divorce is prescriptively & descriptively permissible and perhaps even
necessary. There are also things such as redemption, forgiveness, &
reconciliation that must come into play, as well as looking at the fact that the
text itself is seen mostly from a patriarchal point of view.
I don't believe the problem of divorce will ever disappear. More
marriage counseling, more marriage retreats aren't going to solve anything. I
think we need a "hospice marriage" program for people who are thinking
about divorce. They need to be surrounded by a skilled group of loving
people who will either help their marriage get better (10% of hospice people
get better and live healthy and productive lives) or help it die gracefully.
I believe too many pastors do not have firm convictions themselves
about divorce which causes them to be lax on teaching it and preaching it. I
also believe some extreme right wingers along the way have made it to be
the unpardonable sin when in fact it is not. The weight is great on today's
pastors but many may buckle, I fear, under the pressure to lead correctly in
this issue.
Divorce is to easily thought of or sought by today young couples. No
one seems will to work through the hard times. I do believe it is to easily
obtained. We must continued preaching, teaching, counseling that divorce is
not the solution. I believe the church most also stress marriage and family.
And we must stress the importance of working through hard times.
There needs to be more frank exchange among ministers about
problematic cases. So far as I know there is considerable divergence of
opinion among our ministers regarding divorce and remarriage. We have
-167published some books that have dealt with the subject in the past. I think the
subject needs to be revisited.
The church should be pro active in supporting the family at all levels.
The church needs to fight the battle against all forms of ungodliness, and of
course that includes divorce. When and if a Christian couple finds themselves
on the brink of divorce, one may note that one or both are not living up to the
precepts of God. Paul instructed us to count everyone as more important
than ourselves. In a "brink of divorce" situation, that is not the case.
Divorce is one of the great sins of the present day among Christian
people. We have taught that grace is all inclusive, and that God will always
forgive. We have permitted people to feel that they can divorce for any and
every reason and then ask for forgiveness afterward. Divorce just does not
seem like anything very important to most people in the church. This is a tragedy.
This problem is systemic in its origin, and will not be readily resolved in
cause and effect thinking. Systemic change - how do we introduce it? Let me
know your suggestions.
Lack of faithfulness, self-centeredness, high sexualization, little
commitment, cyber realities, instant gratification, and the move toward
'seeker sensitivity' has made the walk of faith and holiness very uncertain and
foggy in many areas of the American believer's life. Marriages take a big hit.
Churches striving to be welcoming and understanding find it hard to take a
clear stance. Pastor's don't take the opportunity to fight that front very often,
(self included) So marriages are struggling in the church and the rate reflects
that of the world or higher.
What do you think the church's role should be in fighting the battle
against divorce? wish I knew. I believe that an atmosphere of authenticity and
accountability where people get a chance to be real and support one another
through struggle and temptation would keep many from the death of their
relationships. There seems to be very few relational skills today too. Maybe
we should just teach some plain relational/social skills? Comments: Hope
you received some answers from some brilliant folk. If you do, send them my
way!
Divorce rates have been higher in the church than in the secular world
for years. We just don't as Christians believe in the sanctity of marriage as we
once did. Our role is to continue teaching that divorce is a deadly sin.
Unfortunately, local pastors voice on this subject is not heeded very much.
In the Post-Modern world individuals are encouraged to think of
themselves in all situations. I would venture an opinion that most divorces are
driven by selfishness. People want out of the marriage due to "it" not working
out, physical attraction to others not their spouse, etc. Here want I see; just
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