Ah, Super Bowl Sunday.

The day when thousands of millions of viewers around the world root for a team they hated 2 weeks ago. We praise this day unlike any other day. Instead of being with our families and enjoying the company of our friends, we all get so drunk, that English soon becomes a language better left unsaid. And we bumble and stumble back to your lawn chair that you had set up in the living room and watch the game playing before you. Whenever the team that you had wanted to win did something to your approval, you stood up quickly and cheered in a blaze of glory, even though you had absolutely nothing to do with what had taken place on the field. And when the other team, the team that you have come to despise in the last hour, when that team does something you do not find pleasing to your overall vision of how you wanted the game to take place, you fly out of you seat in a disgust, throwing down the remote control and screaming to a referee that can't hear you. And when the play is done and the referee still hasn't said what you wanted to say, you gripe and moan for the rest of the game, blaming the rest of the problems on the bad call that had taken place ages ago. But then finally, it comes down to the wire, and you are pleading for the other team to do something really stupid in the last seconds of the defining moments of the game. If the team you had hoped to win is doing well in these last moments, you praise yourself and your comrades that sit around you in a job well done, even though you still had nothing to do with the outcome of the game. But nevertheless, you celebrate an early victory and tell yourself that the game has been won, and a shot can be downed. But if the team you had hoped to win is not, then you sit at the edge of your seat, hoping, praying for something, anything to happen that may change the outcome of this already stressful game. You grip harder as the commercials turn on, telling you to chill out with a cold beer, you chug down a cold shot. Then the game is over. The victor has been given his prize, the loser goes home empty handed (if you call millions in further sponsorships and contract bonuses empty handed). And you, the one who had watched the teams hardships and strengths, their good times and bad, find yourself feeling a bit underwhelmed. Because it is then that you realize that the fact that your favorite team won or lost has no bearing on the way you live your life, tomorrow you will still wake up and go to your job feeling the same way you did every Monday morning, except this time you are a bit more hungover and you finally have something to talk about with your co workers. But you have to realize that this game, this barbaric sport of mashing plastic and broken bodies is not a life, it is simply something to get drunk to on Sundays and I think that people are starting to lose sight of that, the getting drunk part, that is. This daily enlightenment brought to you by Chaser: Take this before you get drunk and you won't get hungover, it's pure utter genius, why did I not find the package until I was hungover!? daily enlightenment not guaranteed everyday I'm watching the next sport, Winter Olympics anyone? I love a good song from time to time. Something with a jumpy beat that makes you just wanna get up and dance around like the true cracker you are. I love music that uplifts the soul and just makes you happy. But this proves a slightly eery fact, music can control you. Basically the human mind is controlled by emotion, because we are our brains, and logic is easily overridden by emotion. Therefore, music in all it's emotion controlling glory, has the ability to control you. Which accounts for a lot of the things we do. In every school you go to there will be some kind of group of people joined together by the music that they are listening. They can be super,

throw-up-and-swallow-it-again-so-you-throw-up-again happy, or really, sodepressing-i-want-to-slit-my-wrists unhappy, or right in the middle, which doesnt have an extreme adjective, 'cause it's not really extreme. But still, a good song is good for the soul, which leaves a question unasked, why is unhappy music made if all it does is make you feel unhappy? Is their really a market in unhappiness? I can't see why people really want to be unhappy, when their is so much potential happiness in this world. huh, well, while all your bands that claim to be anti-corporation make millions on corporate contracts, I am going to listen to my music. This daily enlightenment brought to you by Victory Records: We suck, but we give you 4 million crappy commercials on Fuse daily enlightenment not guaranteed everyday, I am listening to my antiestablishment band that just set up it's own oil company People find things that are out of the ordinary funny. Why a guy with an asshole on the top of his head is funny, I will never know, I just don't want to tell him 'cause he might shit himself laughing. But just think of having an asshole on your head for just one day, how would that feel to go to the bathroom? How do you go to the bathroom? Or what if you had a ball sac hanging from your nose? that would be quite odd to explain away. "hey, um, I'v been meaning to ask you this for some time now, but what's that hanging from your nose?" "Oh that, um, that's my scrotum." "Oh, um, okay." Can you imagine saying that the thing hanging from your nose is a scrotum with a completely straight face? Or what if both your hands have a little person growing on each of them? That would be quite cool actually, to have a little person living on your hand, it would make masturbation quite weird though, especially if you have a scrotum on your face. Now, if you laughed at any of these things, you are sick, because there are people in this world that have assholes on their heads, a ball sack hanging from their nose, and a little midget person growing on their hand, but as long as I don't know anyone with these deficiencies, I will continue to laugh at them. I am going to hell. This daily enlightenment brought to you by Trojan: 'cause babies suck daily enlightenment not guaranteed everyday, I am tracking down a guy who can say "I have a scrotum hanging on my face" and not laugh Remember Hansel and Gretel from the infamous tale bearing their name? I remember it not for the moral it had or any kind of story telling ability it had, I remember it for the dumb shits Hansel and Gretel. The tale starts in the same way most tales of it's kind begin, Once upon a time... It begins with the two wandering through the forest after being buttraped by the local mayor. They are trying desperately to find their way home, and in a desperate attempt to try to track their distance, Hansel lays some bread crumbs down behind them. Now these bread crumbs initial use was never fully explained during the tale, but my guess was they were for the entertainment brought about by feeding birds. So Hansel decides to use the same crumbs he used for feeding birds, to help him find his way around a forest. Unbeknownst to him of course is the fact that birds live in a forest, my guess is this kid is mentally retarded. Anyways, they continue to meander through the forest in a futile attempt at trying to find home. Then they stumble upon a house made

completely of candy. So they, in all their retarded glory, begin to eat a house. If you had stumbled upon a bunch of kids eating a house, you would probably call the cops, that's what I do anytime I see a bunch of 6 year olds eating my stucco. So Hansel and Gretel eat this house they had stumbled upon. Then the owner of the house, a witch, pops her head out and says "oh hi, since you are already eating the thing, why don't you come in" The rest of this story is a lot like a scene out of a made-for-TV Michael Jackson movie. The kids go in, and the witch locks them both up in cages, to whence she feeds the children to fatten them before eating them. Somehow, Hansel and Gretel find the key and leave the house running away like an alter boy from Sunday services. The story never does go into whether or not they got home, but I think that they died a slow horrible death from the incessant pecking of very unhappy birds. Moral of the story, don't go to the mayors house if he buttrapes children, don't eat houses of caniballistic witches, no matter how tasty the house is, and don't leave bread crumbs for angry birds. This daily enlightenment brought to you by Axe Bodyspray: 'cause you reek like shit daily enlightenment not guaranteed everyday, I'm trying to lure in the kids that are eating my house. I used to play with Barbies. Yes that's right, I, the guy who is writing these insightful, amazing, and addictive daily enlightenment's used to play with barbie dolls. Now some are immediately shunned by their peers at the mere hint of this activity, but I think my doll playing is justified by the games I would play. You see, at the time I was playing with the Barbie dolls, I guess I was "crying out for help" at least that's what my psychiatrists would say. In my playing, I would act out completely plausible circumstances with my own 6 year-old twist to it. One of my games was a typical fight between Barbie and Ken. Barbie would complain the Ken doesn't bring enough money into the household, Ken would quip that he was trying to start a new business and needs time to get on his feet. Barbie throws the divorce papers that Ken still hasn't signed and Ken storms out of the house, yelling and screaming. He slams the dollhouse door, mumbling to himself as he got into the Malibu Cruiser. Barbie would then throw open the door and scream at Ken as he floored the car and headed off to the Irish Pub down the street. Barbie would then throw on her jet pack and fly into her room where she would cry and begin to toss all of Kens belongings around. Ken would come in, stumbling on the assorted belongings that Barbie had tossed about. Ken would babble a bit and then Barbie and Ken would start to battle to the death with their Machine guns and other strewn about weapons that were oddly accessible in a house full of toddlers. Ken would then team up with GI Joe who was across the street in the toy chest. Ken would tear off all of Barbies clothes and shoot each of them with bullets that were both invisible and couldn't pierce anything, just made a sound that was similar to that of incessant spitting. Ken and GI Joe would always win, and the mess would later be magically picked up after my mother entered and exited the room. I had trouble making friends with my story of the perils of Barbie and Ken. This daily enlightenment brought to you by Mattel: Shitty toys with parts small enough to kill your child so that you can sue us and we will then post warnings all over the product but push it nonetheless with a multi-million dollar ad campaign, killing more children, but making a killing off of it.

daily enlightenment not guaranteed everyday, I'm playing with dolls...er...action figures I can't think of what to write today. It may be drug induced maybe, but I just have no topics to write about. I was thinking about writing about the intricacies of cheese or the Wright brothers while high, but I'll save that for later, cause I already have this whole "I don't know what to write so I'll write a whole essay on it" thing going. You know, sometimes I have so many ideas running through my head as I'm writing a DE that I will completely erase a partially completed DE and start completely from scratch, with a whole new idea. I actually have a sheet of ideas that sits next to my computer that has writing all over it about possible topics, but lo and behold I am at my fathers house and the sheet of ideas is at my moms house. It's kind of funny though because the sheet had so many weird ideas, that my mom once found the sheet while she was doing something in my room, she actually sat me down and asked if I wanted to see my psychiatrist soon. Those of you who know me well, or even those who don't will attest that I need psychological help, but I simply explained that it was for a pet project on a website, craftfully leaving out the words, daily enlightenment and Myspace, if I hadn't then she probably would have been sent to an insane asylum after reading some of what I had wrote. And that's my little story about why I don't know what to write, thank you for reading my daily enlightenment. You should not read the daily enlightenment if you are pregnant or about to become pregnant. Prolonged exposure to the daily enlightenment may cause brain tumors and/or diarrhea. You should consult your doctor if you are reading the daily enlightenment daily. As with all stupid shit, the daily enlightenment may be highly addictive and should only be read by those with a sense of humor, if you have no sense of humor you should promptly fuck yourself. I have no life This daily enlightenment brought to you by Cold Stone: right next to your nearest Starbucks, that way you can get hyped up on caffeine, come here, and get hyped up on sugar. God bless America. daily enlightenment not guaranteed everyday, I don't know what the fuck I'm doing In my time writing these enlightenment things, I have made the deadline fairly well, with few exceptions. Sometimes life however gets in the way of letting me sit down and write as I tend to do. But at the same time, my readers have come to love my DE's, trusting that at the end of the day, a daily enlightenment will pop up on their bulletin bar and they quickly read it, much like a crack head would punch a guy for 20 bucks so he could buy some crack. But sometimes, I don't put these things out on a daily basis. People begin to panic. They don't know what to do with themselves in the absence of an amazing daily enlightenment. So those who can, approach me and go, " omg (they do actually say omg sometimes) where is your daily enlightenment? my life is incomplete in the absence of such a beautiful mastery of the English language." (OK so I lathered it up a bit, can you blame me?) What I don't understand though, is do these people actually look for my writing every single day? I must admit, I am not the greatest writer on earth, enough so to impress my English teacher, not enough however, to impress any school in the UC system (that or the attached transcript with my GPA on it). What would happen to these people if I died? they would wander through existence, lost in their own mind because John isn't posting his ideas on some website somewhere in the world. On a side not, I have always wanted to see a football game where one of the players is taken down

at like the 50 yard line, gets up, and then screams at the ref for not calling it a touchdown, idk just crossed my mind. Anyway I love the daily enlightenment, a great ego booster and a way to clear my head of all these sick thoughts that tend to float around. Personally, I think everyone should have a daily enlightenment, problem with that is, not as many people have as many sick thoughts as I do on a daily basis. Well, i don't know what the point of this enlightenment was today, but I do like the quip about football, it may not be funny to you, but if you were in my head it would make sense. This daily enlightenment brought to you by KY Jelly: can be used in every room of the house, from the windows to the walls daily enlightenment not guaranteed everyday, I am dead Ah Valentine's Day. It's a wonderful holiday, isn't it? every year, thousands upon thousands of dollars are spent endlessly on a day named after a criminal. That's right, St. Valentine, although a great man (I don't really know, never met the guy), he was sentenced to death by the roman government for the unlawful practice of the christian religion. His clincher though, is he sent notes from cell to cell telling other Christians to "hang in there." So, that is how Valentine's day began. Since then, the holiday has turned from the strengthening of religion, to the celebration of love. A corporate controlled love that is. Apparently, love is something you can buy. Love emanates from the flowers you buy, and the jewelry that you wrap around her neck. Love starts its life as a dollar bill, and can be bought only in the most expensive memorabilia of Valentine's day. That's what Valentine's day is to the corporations, the same corporations that don't really give a shit about you, unless you pay them enough money. So remember, Valentine's day should be treated like every other day, and every other day, should be treated like Valentine's day. This daily enlightenment brought to you by Trojan: Fuck her good this year, we hopefully will stay strong, or else you're the one who will be fucked daily enlightenment not guaranteed everyday, I'm buying shit for Valentine's day. The planet is a wonderful thing. People live on the planet. People, as well as plants and animals and other such living things. The planet is very unique. It has the ability to both support life, and also go about taking that same life away. The planet is both predictable and erratic, typical and peculiar. But the earth has a dark side. every day, as the sun goes by, the dark side of this planet follows the light like some kind of stalker that follows the suns every move. And as that dark side reaches the eyes of the inhabitants of the earth below, we are awestruck by the wonderment that surrounds us. Wow that was a buttload of bullcrap. This daily enlightenment brought to you by Target: We sell yo mama daily enlightenment not guaranteed everyday, I am spwein crap about the planet

Love. It is something so many people think about on a daily basis. Will I find love? Is love for me? What is love? So on and so on. Today though, I will clear up any thoughts and questions you have on love, that's right, I'm going to explain love in such a way that can easily be chewed down by any idiot that reads this thing. For in the process of making this particular daily enlightenment, I have lived life, which has love in it. But the secret to love isn't very hard to find out, you just have to look deep inside yourself to find out. Deep inside your very soul that keeps you running everyday. But running for what? What's the point of all this running when you could be sitting back enjoying the fruits of life while watching all the other people frivolously run. Like those people who watch marathons, they don't really want to run, but they sure as hell will scream at people when they aren't going fast enough. I'd like to go to a marathon for a disease that makes you run funny, not exactly deadly, just makes you run funny, that would be funny. What would that disease be called? runfunnybecauseyourpriestbuttrapedyouasachild syndrome, that could actually be the name for any disease. But I digress, the secret of love is something that 1) everyone questions 2) you have to look deep inside yourself to find and 3) is very super interesting. So the secret to love is very simple, all it is is ??????????????????????????????????????. You get all that? simple isn't it? This daily enlightenment brought to you by Sony: the only multi trillion dollar company that makes everything out of fish byproducts daily enlightenment not guaranteed everyday, I am so glad to get the secret of love off my chest, it makes all the difference in the world