Hurry up and read this, Iʼm about to sign an NDA!

www.disasteronheels.com Some of you may recall the Cinco de Mayo Initiative, my response to a question submitted through the blog by Roses and Thorns. He has continued to email me. End result, we are meeting in NYC tomorrow, and while Iʼm not sure Iʼm going to get dinner, Iʼm pretty sure Iʼll wind up with custody of his dog. _____________________________________________________________________ Dearest Ms. DoH, Thank you for prompt and acerbic response. Rhetorically, you inquired whether we had ever had the pleasure of intersecting. I have no rejoinder save for: do you despise rhetorical questions as much as i do? Iʼd wager no. For the fact remains, had we had the pleasure of spending an evening together you certainly would have linked to my wiki “how to” page by now: http://www.wikihow.com/French-Kiss But thatʼs nothing more than the menu before the meal, which probably doesnʼt surprise you given my pre-meal tactics that you so roundly dismissed. I actually encourage people in general to make out more. Imagine if making out replaced the greeting of the handshake or if first dates started with a kiss? Organizations like feedthedate.org and the snack fund initiative would cease to exist and I bet you tequila and Corona sales would go down as people become more confident and satisfied in their intimate relationships. My results oriented approach seems to have touched a nerve, and not in the way I generally like to touch. You got me thinking about my carbon footprint. I know I canʼt change the past but I am environmentally conscious and I want to have a positive impact on the future. Which is why I wanted to ask you to dinner. I happen to know of a culinarily exquisite establishment not far from my home in Brooklyn that Iʼm certain would FEMA your heels issues (yes I just used FEMA as a verb) as well as highlight a much longed for trip to the east coast. Iʼve penciled you in for May 28th.

Looking forward to meeting you, Roses and Thorns _____________________________________________________________________ Dear R.A.T., You had me at “dinner.” May 28th it is. I shall meet you at the aforementioned exquisite establishment. Iʼll be the hot one with the rape whistle. I look forward to making out with you. Yours, Disaster _____________________________________________________________________ Dear Disaster, Iʼve never really self-identified as a “hot girl w/rape whistle” type of guy, but recently thatʼs become somewhat of a recurring leitmotif in my social life. How amusing! Just to nail down some details: when do you arrive in our fair city? I gleaned from my world-wide-web reconnaissance (I really hate the term “cyber-stalking”) that you will be hosting a DoH event Thursday in the East Village. Group outings are less than ideal for first dates, but Friday the 28th finds me in upstate NY for the long weekend. Pray tell you are available Wednesday? R&T _____________________________________________________________________ Dear RAT, What a most unfortunate situation. I arrive late on Wednesday night. However, I will be staying with a friend in Brooklyn, and if youʼre up for it, perhaps we could meet for a drink around 9:30/10 when I get in? Is that too late for you? I donʼt know if you have to get up early to chop up women… In the meantime, I really hope you and your roving pack of rapist friends are planning to attend on Thursday. We need male representation.

Yours, DoH _____________________________________________________________________ D Similar to slipping your feet into a pair of those new Rem Koolhaas label shoes, why donʼt you try this idea on for size. Ask your host what neighborhood in Brooklyn would be most convenient for an evening of one too many drinks. Iʼll pick a proximate place. As an additional, gentle, suggestion, I recommend we each bring a chaperone (yes, double first dates are lame, but in this instance itʼs probably not the worst idea). I donʼt want you trying to take advantage of me, and the wheels have been know to fall off our Wednesday nights in the city. R _____________________________________________________________________ RAT, I spoke with my friend and sheʼs willing to serve as a chaperone, but only during the slow songs. Entirely up to you, but I do see how this could be to your advantage. Iʼve done some FB “reconnaissance” of my own, and it appears that you either have (or have access to) a puppy. I think this innocence bodes well for my general safety, and I look forward to taking advantage of you. _____________________________________________________________________ D, I do have a new puppy!! Her name is Lady Gaga [readerʼs note: I have changed the name to protect the identity of the dog] and as the vet said “she is going to be her own woman.” No surprise there – just like all the other women in my life. Letʼs grab a tequila shot in the hood. There are lots of great places. I have also discussed options with my life coach/chaperone and he is available around 10ish. I would generally like to have him along because he make me look taller but I think I can hold my own with a Mainer (I have sources outside of FB). I love making out in my duck boots. R&T

_____________________________________________________________________ RAT, Sorry for the delay. Being a disaster is exhausting. Congrats on fatherhood. I look forward to tequila and having to look at hundreds of pictures of your dog and hearing about how smart she is. Similar to your life coach, I rarely leave the house without my stylist. She is also available at 10, and will be awaiting my arrival with a spray tan. See you Wed. _____________________________________________________________________ DNo worries. The extra couple of days were perfect. It allowed my lawyer to draft a solid first date contract. It is a pretty standard NDA regarding proprietary dating methods as well as some language on protecting my identity etc. You can never be to safe these days. The last thing I need is more woman asking me to buy them tequila shots and make out with them at the bar. Do you want to have your lawyer review it prior to Wed? I worked on puppy scrap book all weekend. I can also bring the memory box I started for her? As for Wed, there is nothing hotter than spray tan (l am from NJ) but my life coach recommended you leave the stylist at home. -R&T _____________________________________________________________________ Roses and Thorns, I will need to review this NDA at your earliest convenience. I have notified my attorney and she is adamant about approving anything I sign. She is also insistent about including a clause nullifying the contract in the event you are, in fact, a serial killer. (And of course another clause about how anything that includes a “clause” will wind up on the blog with 100% certainty). Per your memory box and scrapbook, Iʼm sure itʼs very masculine due to the use of bold fonts and primary colors, but Iʼm not interested. Itʼs just so trite. I canʼt tell you how many guys I have dated have brought these on first dates. That said, the guy who builds a doggy diorama… now, thatʼs something. Thank you for forwarding the contract.

_____________________________________________________________________ Dear Disaster, I am having my assistant send out an outlook meeting invite and a conference call dial in #. Please forward this to your lawyer(s). I will be dialing in as the host along with my advisory council and legal team. I ask that you please use your full name when dialing in so we can have an accurate attendance. Please send me a valid business address for the first draft of the contract. No PO Box #s. Thanks, Roses & Thorns _____________________________________________________________________ From my attorney to the legal counsel of R&T, Inc. (who happened to go to law school together) I understand there are some outstanding issues to be resolved before the upcoming meeting of our clients on Wednesday, May 26, 2010. As you are aware, mergers of this sort are not my specialty, but when it comes to suing your pants off, I excel. I am sure that neither you nor your client wishes for any false steps to turn the auspicious promise of tequila drinks into a long, drawn out litigation nightmare between two legal powerhouses. Thus, I trust that in conducting his due diligence your client will hereafter include me in all correspondence related to Wednesdayʼs meeting and that you will not, in any way, seek to communicate with my client without her lawyer. I regret that the first time we meet as professionals, we are at opposite sides of the negotiation table. I can only presume you now regret lending me your excellent outlines in Contracts. Sincerely, Sister of DoH _____________________________________________________________________ From opposing counsel (received today) Thank you for the Notice of Entry of Appearance. I take your letter as evidence that you and your client are unwilling to follow the original directions provided by my client in an email dated, May 24, 2010, regarding a kick off meeting to discuss a memorandum of understanding. I am certain that it is in the best interest of all parties that our clients execute the attached Non-disclosure Agreement in

order to avoid any “long drawn out litigation”. This letter supersedes all prior letters between the parties and serves as a withdrawal of my clientʼs offer of a “kick off meeting”. Please sign the attached agreement in duplicate and return to my address below. If by chance there are any comments, please send them directly to me by close of business, as defined by 5 PM EST May, 25th, 2010. This NON-DISCLOSURE AGREEMENT (this “Agreement”) is made and entered into as of May 25, 2010 by and between Roses and Thorns (“R&T), of Brooklyn, New York, on his own behalf, and on behalf of any subsidiaries, Disaster on Heels (“DoH”), of Chicago, Illinois, (hereinafter each a “Party” and together the “Parties”). For good and valuable consideration, the receipt and sufficiency of which is herby acknowledged, the Parties hereto agree as follows. 1. Purpose: The Parties wish to discuss potential business opportunities and future engagements between the Parties, including but not limited to at least one (1) shot of bottom shelf tequila and an amicable make out session. High quality tequila and hickies shall not be made available during this business meeting. During said discussions, food or snacks shall be made available as soon as reasonably practicable following the receipt of a signed written request by a Party for such food or snacks from the other Party. Such request may be in the form of a text message, email, or hand written note. The Parties acknowledge that during the course of said discussions each Party may disclose Confidential Information, as hereinafter defined, to the other and wish to enter into this Agreement to limit the use of such Confidential Information. 2. Confidential Information: For purposes of this Agreement, “Confidential Information” shall include all information, whether verbal or oral, that has or could have commercial value or other utility in the dating business in which the disclosing Party is engaged. This includes kissing techniques, dialogue and attire. All techniques, methods and interaction shall not be “posted,” “blogged” or “shared” without the prior written consent of the other Party. 3. Integration: This Agreement expresses the complete understanding of the parties with respect to the subject matter and supersedes all prior proposals, agreements, representations and understandings. This Agreement may not be amended except in a writing signed by both Parties. This Agreement may be signed in counterpart and each counterpart shall be taken as a complete Agreement. By her signature below, DoH agrees that it will not reveal any details of the proposed transaction to any other person without the express written consent of R&T, will not release to any other person any communications or other materials received from R&T

regarding the proposed transaction, and will destroy all copies of such information and other materials at the request of R&T. Nothing in this letter is intended to prevent DoH from disclosing information to the extent it is required by any law, rule or regulation or by any subpoena or similar judicial or administrative order. Signature: Signature: DISASTER ON HEELS ROSES & THORNS

_____________________________________________________________________ Needless to say, I am not entirely pleased with this contract. So I had my attorney send this: Thank you for transmitting the NDA. We are largely pleased with the agreement, subject to one comment explained below. First, noticeably absent is the Serial Killer Clause (“SKC”) explicitly requested by my client in an email dated May 24, 2010. We take this as an indication that you are unwilling to agree to such a provision. You should be informed that the SKC is a standard inclusion in every NDA signed by my client. Nonetheless, in the interest of demonstrating our willingness to contract and my clientʼs eagerness for a shot of tequila, we are willing to offer inclusion of a “High Maintenance Clause” in exchange for inclusion of the requested SKC. Therefore, the transmitted NDA includes the following two clauses: 4. Serial Killer Clause: R&T affirms, warrants, and guarantees that he is not a serial killer. This Agreement shall be nullified if R&T is determined to be a serial killer. Evidence of serial killing shall include but is not limited to: not calling, texting, or emailing within three days of first tequila shot despite displaying heightened interest in DoHʼs family life, childhood and/or future vacation plans during first meeting; possession of more than two cats or one or more pet ferrets; possession of one or more convictions for felony murder. 5. High Maintenance Clause: DoH affirms, warrants, and guarantees that she is not high maintenance. This Agreement shall be nullified if DoH is determined to be high maintenance. Evidence of high maintenance shall include but is not limited to: wearing a bumpit; treating price, brand, or fit of blue jeans as a valid topic of conversation; complaining of quality of tequila; failing to self-nourish before engagement if necessary to avoid extreme drunkenness. We trust that these new provisions will be satisfactory to you and your client. We will sign and transmit a copy of the attached NDA upon your approval. My client looks forward to making out with your client in good faith. General Counsel, DoH

Sign up to vote on this title
UsefulNot useful