The Last Word

Issue #502

August 2016

I almost appeared on ‘Judge Mathis’
As you know, I sued someone plumb-bob to court. As you might not know, I finally won a settlement in
this case—albeit incomplete.
But did you know I almost got to appear on the popular and intelligent court show Judge Mathis starring
Judge Greg Mathis, for whom Judge Mathis is named? You bet your bizcream! After I filed the case, the FedEx
bloke brang an envelope containing a letter from an associate producer of Judge Mathis’s Judge Mathis saying
they wanted to feature my case...

I have no idea why they sent the letter by FedEx instead of mailing it. It’s not like a giant tarantula was
going to pop out of the mailbox or something.

Before I could call the Judge Mathis people, they called me. I told them I might be willing to be appear.
After all, I’d get a free trip to Chicago—and if I won my case, I’d be guaranteed to receive my money instead of
worrying about the defendants not paying up—so why not? Because it bips. No, seriously, the real reason I didn’t
appear on the show was either that the defendants didn’t want to appear, or the show couldn’t get hold of them.
After our local court sat on my lawsuit for months and I was forced to have one of the defendants served
twice, I received another Judge Mathis letter like that.
But my case was settled in the regular court. The main defendant didn’t show up for court, but the second
defendant did, and he threw in the towel right away because he had no defense for enabling bounced checks to be
written on his account—so I won that part of my claim hands-down. I bet he contacted a lawyer, and I bet the
lawyer told him he had no defense for that.
The parts of the case I didn’t win included (among other things) the fees the bank charged me for being
the victim of bounced checks (since that was considered the bank’s fault) and the service fees from other counties
(since the county isn’t responsible for other counties’ fees). Oh, I’ll recoup it—just not from the defendants in this
case. It’ll be tougher, but I have ways of making that happen. There’s enough blame to go around, and the biggest
culprits are criminal gangs like the Tea Party that have preyed on the community. I don’t plan to sue organized
crime rackets like the Tea Party. Instead, I will ruin them.
Quite frankly, I no longer know what to think about the defendants I sued. They are truly a riddle wrapped
in a mystery inside an enigma. They are without a doubt among the strangest people I’ve ever met. That says a
lot: As an example of the weird people I’ve encountered over the years, there was a slob in college who regularly
slopped salad dressing everywhere in the food court and insisted on borrowing my notebook so he could draw a
Ronald Reagan/Bill Clinton/Elvis Presley hybrid. It’s hard to top that.
In addition, the case was botched at so many levels.
A clouded mind (theirs) begat a clouded court case.

Lawsuit soap opera will continue forever
defendants in my lawsuit
come to their senses right this
minute and pay back every
penny I asked for, we’re
gonna be talking about this
case until the end of time. If
every man’s a country in his
own right (as Sammy Hagar
would say), and schools have
a history class dedicated
solely to me, this lawsuit will
hundreds of years from now.
It’s not quite at the Brossart
level of significance, but
maybe the Guardian Angel
level. Everyone who knows
me knows I don’t hold
grudges, but this isn’t about a
continued even after my suit
was settled—and it’s proof of
deliberately fumbled the case.
Now it looks even worse for
the Tea Party than it already
did—as if it wasn’t already
bad enough.
Less than 2 weeks after the final court date—when the main defendant had to be let off the hook because I
couldn’t find her—she was finally arrested. Isn’t it strange how they had 9 months to catch her—and never caught
her until just after it became too late? That’s just way too much of a coincidence. Weirder yet, she was caught on

my birthday—as if the system was trying to rub my nose in it. This also lends credibility to a theory I had that the
Tea Party was actually setting her up to target me all along. It would make perfect sense that Team Tyranny would
try to bleed me dry—in terms of both money and time.
Tea Party politicians had been interfering in the police investigation of the defendant from day one
because they don’t want her suppliers to be caught. Now it’s clear they were also making an effort to make sure
my lawsuit couldn’t be served—all because I exposed Tea Party corruption. There’s simply no other explanation
for waiting 9 months and then finally arresting the defendant right when it no longer mattered. Unlucky for the
Far Right, I knew where the second defendant works, so I could serve the papers on him. I don’t think they were
counting on that.
(For what it’s worth, a Tea Party political candidate several years ago had his campaign office just a few
blocks from here, and heroin abuse in this part of town spiked shortly thereafter. They could have put the office
anywhere in a 20-county area. Why here? Was heroin being sold from this office, and did it fund the campaign?)
Remember, I didn’t start this zine because authorities were competently fighting crime. The system shit in
their hat, so now they have to wear it.

Tea Party thug looks gift horse in mouth
The Mister Ed
theme sang, “A horse is a
horse, of course, of course.”
And a Campbell County
jury took the well-being of
horses seriously—as it
In our previous
edition, we told you that
one of the leading lights of
Tea Party fascism and
groupthink in northern
Kentucky was arrested on
felony charges of selling
opiates. All the planets
stood still. Toilets flushed
backwards. Boogers flew
back into noses.
Now he’s finally
been jailed for his animal
cruelty case from back in
2013 in which he neglected
horses on his property. As it
turns out, a jury had
convicted him in 2014 and
sentenced him to 6 months
in jail. But—suspiciously—
he never actually served a
day. Furthermore, politicians swept under the rug the fact that he had even been convicted.
Until now. Now—2 years after being convicted—he’s finally been ordered to the paholkey to serve his
sentence. After this happened, he said it was because Campbell County government is full of “liberals” who are
out to persecute conservatives. He actually said that.
He almost got out of having to serve time for a serious crime that a jury had convicted him of—yet he
complains that the county is persecuting him because of his right-wing views. Talk about looking a gift horse in
the mouth! He grumbles about persecution by “liberals” despite the fact that every county commissioner is a
Republican, and the county has a record going back decades of persecuting people for not having right-wing
views. You don’t have to think very hard for an example. Does the incident at the Steely Dan Library ring a bell?
Locally and nationally, no political faction is persecuted more than the Left. To deny it is criminal.

Book ‘em, Casey!
I miss the late Casey Kasem.
Best known as the host of American Top 40, the Case was also Krogo the Clown on Detroit television,
and he did voices like Shaggy of Scooby-Doo. He also had other roles—like in a 1974 episode of the police drama
Hawaii Five-O...
If you’re like a vast majority of people, you think a poisonous rattlesnake will jump out of your computer
screen if you go on YouTube, so here’s a synopsis of the video: The clip features a scene from Hawaii Five-O in
which the King of Countdowns has big sideburns and portrays an appliance store owner being forced to sell stolen
tape recorders. Casey’s voice rises to an angry pitch as he tells the villain, “You don’t scare me, Colby!” It’s
always interesting to hear Casey Kasem get mad, since he always sounded so meek on his top 40 countdown
Best all, he was chewin’ bubble gum! He didn’t bubble. But he was chewin’ bubble gum!

Internet whiners whine

This will go down in history as the year the Internet whined itself silly.
Have you noticed what a dumpster fire customer support websites have become? We knew support
forums for Google and Microsoft were hosed, but it’s not just them anymore. For some of us, life is a series of
projects—not events—and we project people download lots of useful programs. Inevitably, we’ll encounter
serious bugs in some of these programs that could dash an entire project to smithereens at the drop of a face if
we’re not careful. So I calmly report these bugs on the support forum. Lately, however, my reports are usually met
with e-mails from some stick-in-the-poop saying my support question shouldn’t be posted on a support forum—
and that my question has been deleted.
Then were should I post it? The toilet?
Instead of answering my question, they lash out in the most pathetic way possible. They remind me of the
comic book store owner on The Simpsons.
These aren’t people who actually own the forums. They’re just folks who think they’re smarter than
everyone else and built up credentials by giving bad support advice. Their credentials have given them permission

to delete posts from dum-dums like me.
And remember when Wikipedia used to be fun? Lately, the same type of fuddy-duddies has taken the fun
out of Wikipedia too. I don’t mean when you make joke edits to Wikipedia entries and they get mad. What I’m
talking about is when you make serious edits—and they still get mad. In fact, these edits are central to
understanding the topic of the entry. Without them, the rest of the entry would make no sense to someone
unfamiliar with the subject. These days, these edits are invariably met with a response that starts, “Please do not
add or change content ...”
It’s Wikipedia. It’s meant to have content changed. That’s, like, the whole point of Wikipedia, man. That’s
what a wiki is. It’s like all the right-wingers who don’t understand that public schools are supposed to be, you
know, public.
It gets even worse—if you can believe that. I was looking for support for a program that lets you save
YouTube videos. On its own, there’s nothing wrong with that. I used this little progie-wogie to save one of my
own videos that was made with an outside website. It was my video, so I have the right to save and copy it. I
found a support forum for Windows 10 programs where a user of this program had the exact same support
question I had. Almost instantaneously, one of
the “trusted” credentialed types immediately
harangued this user for engaging in
“discussion of piracy.”
Uh, that’s not piracy, stupid. Go look
up piracy in your Charlie Brown’s Cyclopedia.
Piracy would include—among other things—
the unauthorized distribution of copyrighted
videos. The program in question wasn’t
pirated. If someone misuses the program to
download a copyrighted YouTube clip they
can easily buy elsewhere, that’s too fucking
bad. Live with it—like an adult. If you don’t
like it, sue the President of the Internet. People
misuse the comment feature on my YouTube
videos to talk about my famously horrible
teeth. That’s life. I don’t go around crying that
there should be a law against the YouTube
comment feature.
As a result of this little temper
tantrum, the support question went
I thought screaming about “piracy!” where none existed went out in the ‘90s—about the same time false
accusations of “spam!” started. One of the reasons I stopped using the local computer bulletin board systems was
that I got tired of listening to crybabies accuse innocent people of pirating software. Not to mention the fact that
these whiners also mainstreamed other right-wing extremism before it was “cool.” One of these dour soreheads
did get busted for piracy himself, but that didn’t silence the finger-pointing.
People, grow up.

One day, 60 k00ks00ts
I can’t believe anyone got away with this.
On second thought, I can believe it—since there’s no accountability for corporations.
In our May ish, I hemmed and hawed about the Kentucky legal system unfairly favoring Big Business.
Corporations were openly defying the regulation that limited them to filing 25 lawsuits per year—and judges
didn’t seem to notice, since the lawsuits were spread just far enough apart. But there’s no excuse whereupon
perchance whatsoever for what I discovered a few weeks ago.
I was browsing the court docket for a northern Kentucky county and noticed a certain for-profit debt
collection company had filed 60 lawsuits that were to be tried all on the same day!
If the judge didn’t come down on hard on this firm for this caper, I’ll be so mad that I’ll just bubble. And I
literally will. In public!
It turns out that it isn’t just any debt collector. It’s one of America’s biggest—if not the biggest. Other
jurisdictions have been tougher on them though. A few years ago, this company filed a frivolous suit against a
hard-working Virginia man for an ancient credit card debt that was worth far less than the amount of the lawsuit.
When the debt collector failed to produce documentation for the extra charges, the suit had to be dropped. In turn,

the man they sued filed his own suit against the debt collector for illegally filing a “false, deceptive or
misleading” affidavit.
Yes, that word is spelled affidavit. Not affidavid, like everyone on the Internet seems to think.
I believed some strange things when I was young. When I was a tiny tot, I knew the world was round, but
I thought we were on the inside of the sphere rather than the outside.
I thought items dumped in the Ohio River would float upstream, land in the Atlantic Ocean, and float to
I thought TV actors weren’t real people.
I thought my parents personally knew musician Paul Simon.
I thought people automatically lost all their teeth when they reached adulthood.
I thought fire departments burned down houses (and not just for practice).
I thought TV channel numbers were the same in every city.
I thought the Eastern Hemisphere was called “Droid.”
I thought going through an underwater tunnel like the Holland Tunnel would be like scuba diving, only in
a car.
I thought the opposite of “in color” (as in a TV show or movie) was “in public” (because the color kept
fading in and out while we were watching a public broadcasting station).
And I thought big corporations weren’t allowed to do whatever the hell they wanted. Silly me!
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