by Daniel J. Fienberg

Based on the characters created by Sherwood Schwartz.

1 FADE IN: INT. FUNERAL HOME VIEWING ROOM -- DAY A TALL THIN MAN with a beard leads the procession by an open casket. His head is bowed as he leans over and the body and whispers something to the unseen body. As he whispers, he surreptitiously reaches into the corpses suit pocket, removes an item and moves on. The bearded man stands by an urn off coffee and a tray of sandwiches watching other mourners pass by the body. He looks around the room and locks eyes with five others – A DISHEVELED BURLY MAN, AN OVER-DRESSED, OVER-PREENED BEAUTY, A FRESH-FACED YOUNG BEAUTY and an OLDER WELL-ATTIRED COUPLE. The bearded man makes a small gesture and the others slowly gravitate towards him. Only the fresh-faced beauty is wearing black. Six of them now, they stand off to the side, conspicuously avoiding either physical or eye contact, staring at the ground. FRESH-FACED BEAUTY (whispering) People expect the widow to be available for condolences. BEARDED MAN Did you think I had another agenda? FRESH-FACED BEAUTY I don’t want to find out. I’m here because the only thing worse than being seen talking to you is being seen avoiding you. BEARDED MAN Granted. Accept my condolences. He reaches into his pocked and pulls out a battered, sun-beaten cap. We suddenly realize who he is. GILLIGAN We weren't supposed to leave. We have to go back to Gilligan's Island.


The mourners look up, incredulous. There's THE SKIPPER, THE MILLIONAIRE (THURSTON HOWELL III), HIS WIFE (LOVEY), A MOVIE STAR (GINGER), and MARY ANN. Wait. The camera pulls back to the open casket and finally peers over the edge. It's THE PROFESSOR. TITLES. BACK TO VIEWING ROOM CORNER THURSTON You really are a broken record, old chap. Three years and the same song. GILLIGAN You know he agreed with me. He gestures over to the casket. MARY ANN Do you really want him as your only ally, Gilligan? He wasn’t well. GILLIGAN So you believe what they’re saying? You believe he killed himself? GINGER Really, Gilligan! The media has no reason to lie.

GILLIGAN Is the camera running now, Ginger? I Can never tell if you believe what you’re saying or not. You’re talking about a man who built a coconut-powered car and weathered a bout with the TikaTika flu. He was a survivor. MARY ANN You don’t know, Gilligan. He’d become unstable.


GILLIGAN So unstable he’d leave you, Mary Ann? Leave your son?

They turn their attentions to ROY JUNIOR, sitting coloring next to an older woman, his GRANDMOTHER. They’re brought back by the SHATTERING of dishes. The Skipper, hands visibly shaking, has knocked over a stack of ceramic cups. SKIPPER Sorry. Mary Ann pats the Skipper on the shoulder, like a child. MARY ANN It’s OK, Jonas. (beat) I can’t discuss this now. Not here. LOVEY Dearie, you make it sound like there could be a proper time, a proper place. Mary Ann nods. She walks away, immediately greeted by a sea of mourners. LOVEY (continued) Gilligan, this isn’t healthy. GILLIGAN I wouldn’t expect help from you, Eunice. I never have. But I hear you. Is there a side door? I can’t face the press right now. Ginger tosses her hair, takes out a compact and adjusts her makeup. GINGER I was leaving anyway. Go out the front

4 one minute after I do and nobody will even notice you. EXT. FUNERAL HOME DAY PAPARAZZI shoot pictures of Ginger, now playing the role of grieving friend. REPORTERS hang on her every word. GINGER Without Professor honestly say that today. I know few the Professor was

Hinkley, I can I wouldn’t be alive great men, but a great man.

As promised, Ginger dominates the stage so completely that Gilligan sneaks out behind her. REPORTER #1 What about the reports of his paranoia and abusive behavior? GINGER Professor Hinkley was a loving husband a loving father and a great man. REPORTER #2 You had harsh words when the Professor refused to sign off on a movie based on your story. Will you try again now that he’s passed? GINGER I believe that audiences would be entertained and inspired by our story. Roy did not. But I have many other upcoming projects, including “The Masticator,” a movie I’m very proud of. It opens Friday and I’d be happy to Talk about it. A sea of cameras flash as we CUT TO: INT. THE HOWELL’S LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

5 Thurston and Lovey sit drinking a nightcap. He’s agitated and throws his tumbler across the room, where it shatters in the roaring fireplace. THURSTON Gilligan’s Island? LOVEY Honey, your blood pressure. THURSTON (incredulous) Gilligan’s Island?!? It’s the liberal media! He didn’t find the island. He didn’t get us off the island. He spoiled countless rescue plans and nearly got us killed by natives, lions, cosmonauts and that swindler who looked suspiciously like me. But somehow it’s Gilligan’s Island? He stands and starts pacing. THURSTON And why now? After three years. I could see going back to Gilligan’s Island in November or February or May. But why now? ACCENTED VOICE (off screen) Do you think he knows anything? Lovey and Thurston weren’t alone. Sitting in a plush chair is an attractive woman of indeterminate ethnicity – Caribbean? African – and accent. THURSTON Gilligan? Probably basic reading and math on a third grade level? ACCENTED WOMAN You’re very cavalier, Mr. Howell, for a man who stands to lose so very much. We had an agreement.

6 THURSTON I’m well aware. You’re aware, though, that everything Gilligan accomplished on the island was luck. He falls in a hole? It’s a gold mine. A squirrel scares him up a tree and it happens to be a rare Gooey-Gooey Sap Tree. If he has a goal, he doesn’t stand a chance. ACCENTED WOMAN And yet he found the gold mine and the Gooey-Gooey tree and if he gets back to the island by accident or on purpose, with or without you, the forfeiture is the same, the punishment as great. LOVEY (coldly) Then we’ll have to make sure that doesn’t happen. ACCENTED WOMAN (to Thurston) Where would you be, Millionaire, without your wife? CUT TO: EXT. MARINA – DAY Mary Ann, still dressed in black, but with her hair back in trademark pig-tails, approaches a dock. Gilligan is helping SCHOOL CHILDREN off of a charter boat. He’s wearing his familiar hat and red sweater. The name of the boat, of course, is “The Minnow II.” GILLIGAN Watch your step. The deck can get slippery. BOY #1 You were the one who kept falling.

7 GILLIGAN Yes, well. You know me! Clumsy, bumbling Gilligan! Whoa! Gilligan does an elaborate pratfall. The kids laugh. The boat’s CAPTAIN, a young Hispanic man, comes on deck and bellows. CAPTAIN Gilligan! GILLIGAN Sorry, Skipper! The kids all laugh. This is what they came to see. CUT TO: INT – MARINA SNACK SHACK – DAY Minutes later, Mary Ann and Gilligan drink sodas with the Minnow II in the background. MARY ANN That isn’t you. The clown. It isn’t you. GILLIGAN (bitterly) I saw it on TV. It has to be true. MARY ANN If you’re going to let that bitch Ginger and some hack Hollywood writers define you, I hope you’re getting paid extra. GILLIGAN Ha. I keep the place in business. With me, the tour is Hollywood, it’s camp. Without me, it’s the charter that took 10 people on a three-hour tour and vanished. MARY ANN Gilligan…

8 GILLIGAN Oh, I’m sorry. Seven people. Of Course. Seven. Where are my manners? How are you? How’s the boy? MARY ANN Roy Jr. Can you not even say his name? GILLIGAN Sure. The Little Professor. You know the sad thing? Every time we go out for a three-hour tour, I pray for the weather to start getting rough, for the tiny ship to get tossed. MARY ANN You can’t blame yourself. If not For your courage, the Minnow would have been lost. Gilligan stands up and moves toward the door. Mary Ann hesitates. GILLIGAN I’ve heard the fucking song. It never manages to explain how a three-hour pleasure cruise could get so far off course in one tiny storm that it could end up on an uncharted desert island. Or why, no matter how I tamper with the compasses and gauges now, we never seem to get that lost again. We never see any land at all. MARY ANN Oh Gilligan. GILLIGAN Oh Gilligan? That’s familiar. That’s How you sounded on the island. MARY ANN Is that what this is about?

9 GILLIGAN I understand. Women want a Gilligan on the island, the nice guy to tease and get to do your chores, but they want a Professor on the mainland. I expected it out of Ginger. Did the Professor ever wonder if your son Was even his? Now it’s Mary Ann’s turn to be outraged. An OLD SAILOR at the next table just looks curious. MARY ANN I buried him yesterday! GILLIGAN (under his breath) We’ve buried lots of people. Mary Ann starts to leave the snack shack. GILLIGAN (continued) Howell called me late last night. He said he and the missus would come along. This gives Mary Ann pause. MARY ANN Be careful, Gilligan. They always have a motive. Even that day when they first got on the Minnow. GILLIGAN You think I don’t know that? That I don’t find it odd that a couple of millionaires were taking our crummy charter? I don’t care what their motive is if they’re on board. I wouldn’t care if you had other Motives either. MARY ANN You can’t know if she’ll still be Gilligan.

10 GILLIGAN True. But this isn’t about her. Mary Ann exits, leaving Gilligan alone. NEW MINNOW CAPTAIN (O.S.) All hands back on deck, Little Buddy. Gilligan winces. CUT TO: INT. TALENT AGENCY – DAY Ginger storms through the door of a bustling talent agency, her talent agency, past a disapproving RECEPTIONIST. RECEPTIONIST Ma’am, you have to sign… GINGER (cutting her off) Get bent. Ginger marches past a sea of ASSISTANTS and AGENTS, who try to get in her way, but are only minor obstacles. She gets to a door with a sign reading “ARTURRO RUBENSTEIN, AGENT,” or at least to Arturro’s perky assistant MADISON. MADISON Miss Grant! So nice to see you. Did I forget to mark down your appointment Today? GINGER No, darling. This is a drop-in. MADISON (feigning relief) Whew. Because if I’d scheduled you for a day Arturro was out of the office on meetings, he’d be so mad at me.

11 There’s a crashing sound from inside the office, broken electronics. ARTURRO (O.S.) Assistant! I’m going to need a new phone. And a new client list. Ginger takes advantage of Madison’s disorientation to shoot past her and through Arturro’s door. GINGER Well how convenient for you, Artie, that you can deal with this old client without dialing a number. ARTURRO Ginger. GINGER Oh good. I though I was going to have to introduce myself. You’ve got me promoting my crappy new horror movie at funerals. ARTURRO Well I thought you looked muy bonita. GINGER I’m the first person the killer chews up, Artie. Ron Jeremy lasts a full reel longer than I do. ARTURRO I got you higher billing! GINGER It’s alphabetical, Artie. Did you not read the papers today? They still call me the Movie Star. Why am I not starring in movies? ARTURRO I wouldn’t lie to you, Ginger. GINGER You just did.

12 ARTURRO Live in the present. In the present I’m telling you that you have no heat. Three years ago? You were in all the papers, on all the shows. You were caliente! GINGER And I did the projects you told me to do. I played the MILF in four different teen movies. ARTURRO Well it didn’t hurt that you came back 15 pounds lighter, chica. GINGER And that’s why I did the infomercial for the pineapple-and-roasted-pig diet. Whatever happened to that? ARTURRO It turns out the diet only works if you’re also constantly being chased by angry natives or swimming back to shore off of leaky escape rafts. Who knew? Any progress on getting everybody to sign off on a tell-all movie? Ginger slumps into a seat. At least we’re talking business now. GINGER The TV series caused enough trouble and that was mostly fiction. ARTURRO And Hinkley’s death won’t grease the financial wheels? GINGER The Professor was never the problem, I just knew he’d sit silently and let me blame him. No, it’s Thurston who doesn’t want me saying why I was going out on a three-hour tour

13 with three duffels of clothing. ARTURRO Now that you mention it… GINGER Gilligan wants to go back. ARTURRO What kind of meshugeneh idea is that? GINGER Well, I was unemployable before the Island. ARTURRO Right. The unpleasantness. I’m still amazed I was able to get you work after that. GINGER Artie, I’m amazed you can put your pants on most mornings. But as you said, if one shipwreck boosted my career… Arturro’s a little slow, but he catches on. ARTURRO Gilligan’s a putz. A brilliant putz. Are you thinking what I’m thinking? GINGER Not even if you book me a lead in a Bruckheimer movie, Artie. ARTURRO Then on to Plan B. You go back. We send cameras to follow the whole thing. GINGER A Gilligan’s Island reality series? How desperate do you think the networks are? ARTURRO If you don’t want to do it, I have

14 Rachel Hunter on speed dial. GINGER What if Gilligan says no? ARTURRO Who was going to ask him? GINGER And what if something goes wrong? ARTURRO What could possibly go wrong? CUT TO: INT. A DIVE BAR – NIGHT The Skipper sits in a corner booth. He’s surrounded by a graveyard of shotglasses. Looking Glass’ “Brandy” plays on a jukebox somewhere. He looks like shit. A WAITRESS approaches carrying a tray holding a beer and three more shots. WAITRESS Sir. These drinks are from the guys at the bar. Two rough looking deckhands give the Skipper a smile and a wave. WAITRESS (continued) They asked that you enjoy the drinks. And they said that if you play this song again, they’ll break the next bottle over your head. SKIPPER Communists. You let fucking communists into your bar? WAITRESS Look, I don’t want any trouble. But if I didn’t need this job I might castrate you myself.

15 The Skipper shrugs, raises one of the shots in a toast to the men at the bar and throws it back. SKIPPER I’ve nearly achieved the desired level of drunkenness anyway. The waitress rolls her eyes, leaves the drinks and walks away. TWO HOURS LATER. The Skipper has not sobered up. The jukebox is playing a different tune, but his pile of glasses has grown and he’s started to sing to himself. SKIPPER What shall we do with a drunken sailor… what shall we do with a drunken sailor… What shall we do with a drunken sailor… early in the morning… A figure slips into the booth across from him. From the voice we recognize… ACCENTED WOMAN That would be a good question if you were still a sailor. The Skipper’s eyes have trouble focusing. SKIPPER What the hell do you know? ACCENTED WOMAN Jonas Grumby. Aged 45. The skipper of the Minnow. SKIPPER You can read a newspaper. I’m impressed. ACCENTED WOMAN Ten years as a Navy SEAL. Ten years as a charter skipper. You haven’t set foot on a boat since your return.


The Skipper isn’t impressed and he gestures the waitress back over. SKIPPER Another rou… ACCENTED WOMAN Time to move to coffee, Jonas. SKIPPER Sweetheart, it didn’t work when my wife said it and it didn’t work when my kids said it. Why… ACCENTED WOMAN Silverman. Kahn. Martinez. This stops the Skipper. SKIPPER Coffee. The waitress nods and leaves. SKIPPER People talk about the storm. They know about me and Gilligan getting that wreck to shore. They don’t know how bad the tiny ship was tossed. They don’t know about the week we drifted before running aground. The stranger’s harsh tone softens. ACCENTED WOMAN You blame yourself. None of it was your fault. SKIPPER Tell that to Silverman and Kahn and Martinez. Where are the Lawyer, the Doctor and the Deckhand in the song? ACCENTED WOMAN You did what you did to survive. But You have to move on.


SKIPPER When you’re just planning for a three-hour tour, how much food do you pack? And what do you tell the families? How do you explain what happened? And why their sons have SKIPPER (cont.) been erased? ACCENTED WOMAN That was always our responsibility not yours. And the Custom of the Sea says that those who live have the right to survive. SKIPPER Silverman and Kahn? They were already dead. But Martinez? The choice we… The women reaches under the table and pulls out a briefcase and SLAMS it on the table. She shows the contents to the Skipper. His horror is all we need to see. ACCENTED WOMAN Mr. Grumby. I am a sympathetic woman. A patient woman. But I am not your confessor. I’m here to tell you that you will sober up and go to sleep. Tomorrow you will wake up and shower. I can’t emphasize that enough. And Then you will be a skipper again. SKIPPER (shaken) I told Gilligan I couldn’t do it. ACCENTED Your protestations of little interest have all agreed to as well. SKIPPER Even Mary Ann? WOMAN to Gilligan are to me. Your comrades return and you shall


CUT TO: INT. A CHILD’S BEDROOM – NIGHT Mary Ann lies on the floor next to a child’s bed surrounded by stuffed animals and kiddie science equipment. She’s CRYING. At her side is a note, the letters cut from magazines. It reads “YOUR SON WILL BE RETURNED AFTER YOU RETURN.” CUT BACK TO: INT. BAR ACCENTED WOMAN Convincing Mrs. Hinkley was surprisingly easy. SKIPPER I don’t know if I can do it. I don’t know if I can go back to the island. ACCENTED WOMAN Don’t worry. We have no intention of letting you reach the island. She stands and pushes the suitcase over to the Skipper. ACCENTED WOMAN I’ll leave this with you. As a reminder. She exits, leaving the Skipper staring at the briefcase, embossed with the words “The Globetrotter Group.” The waitress deposits a steaming cup of coffee that he downs without pause. He stares out. SKIPPER I’m so sorry, Little Buddy. CUT TO: EX. MARINA. DAWN.

19 The sun not-yet-up, Gilligan stands under a flickering dock light and fires up a cigarette. He’s shaved and he’s dressed in his red top, gray slacks and cap. He’s shaved his beard. It’s like no time has passed. A figure approaches. GILLIGAN I see you dressed for a day at sea. It’s Mary Ann. She’s wearing short shorts a striped top. Her hair is in pigtails. MARY ANN (bitter) This is what you wanted, isn’t it? Just tell me he’s safe… GILLIGAN Who’s safe? MARY ANN Fine. I’ll play your game. Before things can get really awkward, the Howells arrive. He’s wearing a suit and an ascot. She’s in a red gown. A loop of pearls is around her neck, a parasol in her hand. THURSTON Ahoy, tally-ho and g’day, mateys! A lovely day to go sailing. What’s that they say about mackerel clouds at dawn? LOVEY Oh, Mary Ann. I love that top on you! So summery! Mary Ann doesn’t respond. LOVEY (cont.) Who did you find to watch Little Roy on such short notice?

20 MARY ANN You’d have to ask… Like a force of nature, Ginger rolls in, talking on her phone and accompanied by two porters and three large steamer cases. GINGER I really must go. Kiss kiss. No you say good-bye! No you. (to the early arrivals) My dog Sherwood. He gets so lonely when I go away. GILLIGAN This isn’t keeping a low profile, Ginger. Ginger gestures wildly to the porters. GINGER Who them? They don’t speak English and they’re probably not citizens. They won’t say anything. (yelling) LEAVE. THEM. THERE. THERE!!! The last guest arrives, clad in a navy top and a sailing cap. SKIPPER How could you spend years on a deserted island and still come back a spoiled bitch? GINGER Oh Jonas. I’m so glad you bathed. Be a dear and help my valets with my things. The Skipper GRUMBLES but goes to help. GINGER’s phone rings. GINGER It’s Sherwood again. Won’t you please excuse me.

21 Ginger steps away. GINGER (whispering) Artie. Were you able to find a camera crew? CUT TO: INT. ARTURRO RUBENSTEIN’S BEDROOM. Arturro is sitting in his bed in his silk PJs, phone to his ear. ARTURRO Oh yes. I have a very qualified team ready to follow you. You’ll never know they’re there, bubbeleh. We pull back to see that Arturro has a gun pointed at his head. CUT BACK TO: EXT. MARINA. GINGER That’s wonderful. I think this will be a big break for me. Enjoy the dailies! CUT TO: EXT. THE DECK OF THE MINNOW Somebody has painted over the “II” in the ship’s name. Gilligan faces the gang. GILLIGAN I haven’t had a full night’s sleep for years. I’ve tried everything. But what we left behind on the island was too important. Who we left behind. He turns to the Skipper.

22 GILLIGAN The Professor’s diary gives coordinates he thought we should follow. MARY ANN Diary? GILLIGAN There’s so much you don’t know. CUT TO: EXT. A SMALLER BOAT IN THE SAME MARINA A tiny camera crew watches the Minnow. Standing next to the camera is the accented woman. A MAN is standing next to her. We can’t see his face. MAN Is there any chance my son makes it back alive? ACCENTED WOMAN That’s entirely up to him, Mr. Gilligan. FADE OUT.

Sign up to vote on this title
UsefulNot useful