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The U.S. Constitution

Author: Jefferson, Thomas; 54 Other Guys
Published: Philadelphia, 1787

We finally got rid of those British Shitheads—and now we intend to do things right.
One Country, Thirteen Fifty States—we put everything to a vote, and here’s what we
First of all, you can forget about all of that King and Queen bullshit—‘cause we think
we’ve come up with something better: the People’s bullshit.
All Legislative Powers shall be vested in a Congress consisting of a bunch of Old White
Men Representatives and Senators periodically chosen by the Citizens.
They shall vote on issues every once in a while, and spend the rest of their time
prostituting themselves and cashing checks.
They shall have the Power to tax the people, borrow money, pay debts, maintain a
military, regulate international trade, decide who’s allowed in this country, print money,
establish a postal service, make additions and deletions to this Constitution (let’s just hope
they never give the negroes any rights), add new states to the Union, change the presets on our
radio, and decide what toppings will go on our pizza. (Only the Senate can add extra cheese.)

The Executive Power shall be vested in a President who will be elected every four years
through an electoral system that will soon be is outdated.
The President will head the military, pardon offenses, make treaties, appoint people to
high offices, and jerk us around every once in a while with a State of the Union Address.
Any time Congress agrees on a Proposed Law with a majority vote, it shall be passed on
to the President, who will then be given the option of passing or rejecting it.
Should he reject it, Congress will be given the option of rejecting his rejection with a two
thirds vote.
And should the President reject their rejection of his rejection, the matter shall be settled
by an arm wrestling match between the President’s mistress and the second oldest
Congressman’s wife.
Oh yeah. A person can’t be elected President more than two times. After all, we don’t
want to listen to the same asshole year in and year out for the rest of our lives.
The Judicial Power shall be vested in one Supreme Court and many Inferior Courts that
will interpret and apply our laws.
Criminal Trials and high dollar Civil Trials will be decided by a Jury consisting of twelve
random people who just want to go home and get on with their lives.

But Wait.
There’s More.
Americans have the right to say shit, not say shit, shoot shit, drink shit, vote for shit
(without paying shit), keep their shit private (most of the time), and keep soldiers out of their
shit (most of the time).
If you’re accused of shit, the government can’t treat you like shit, or try you again after
you’ve been acquitted of shit.
And if you’re convicted of shit, the government’s only allowed to do so much shit to you.
If the government needs your shit, they have to pay you for it.
And they can never do shit to you unless they follow their own shitty laws.
Um… oh yeah. We thought about the whole slavery thing, and decided that that shit was
wrong. ….
(And if you want shit for all the shit we forced you to do for free, you’re just shit out of
All states (other than Texas) shall cooperate and get along with each other—and the
Country will look out for all of them (although to be honest, we really don’t give a shit about
This Constitution outlines the powers delegated to the United States.
If it’s not in here, it’s up to the States and the People.
(Let’s just hope they don’t fuck things up.)


George Dubya Washington

Benjamin Myfrankinaskanklin
Mad Dog Madison
Alexander Hamilten Dollabill
Daniel of Miyagi-Do Karate
Fingerworth Picknose, Jr
John “The Fridge” Rutledge
Baldeagle Kawasaki
Rico Suave
Ihndohlers Eitrust
Colonel Sanders
Tony Montana
George Kingfish Stevens
Hector Camacho Macho
Yankee Doodle
Santa Claus
E. Pluribus Unum
E. Pluribus Dosum
Uncle Sam
Aunt Flo
Cousin It
Cousin Larry
Sean “Founding Daddy” Combs
Jacob son of Isaac
Larry Fine

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