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Greetings from the President
Welcome, Class of 2020, to Emory University! It is
exciting to be able to welcome you to our gilded city
upon a hill, a university where the liberal arts flourish.
Emory is a place for inquiry, questioning, and investigation, unless those inquiries, questions, and investigations pertain to where the tuition money goes or why
we funnel large amounts of money into nonprofits in
the Bahamas. Or why Wheel journalists who cover these topics keep
vanishing — in that case,
please keep those inquiries, questions and
investigations strictly to yourself.
But I digress!
You, the Class
of 2020 have
surprised even
us with your
astounding
achievements
and dubiously
high SAT scores.
You will make
fabulous
additions to the
Emory community, our academic
atmosphere, and
our enlivened dialogue, until the crushing
malaise that saps you of
all passion and drive hits in
about a month, and you realize death
is just around the corner. Trust me! As a former faculty
member of the Rollins School of Public Health, I can say
that broad scale plague is only a supervirus or antibiotic resistant bacterium away, and I can attest that life is
an ever-forward funereal march, a dirge full of sorrow
and pain played senselessly on repeat, a wailing shriek
in the night for help that turns faint in your throat, dies
with a whimper and goes ultimately unanswered. For
all these reasons, it is imperative you make the most of

your time here at Emory! Go Eagles!
The time ahead will be a learning experience for all
of us. After losing a fateful best-of-three in rock/paper/
scissors, I have been selected as Emory’s new president, so I too am embarking on my freshman year. I
am sure it will be one of self-discovery for all of us! Our
former president James Wagner left behind big, almost
clown sized, shoes to fill, as well
as many legal inquiries concerning an alleged
sex circus operating
beneath the Lullwater Mansion,
allegations
which are
LUDICROUS
AND
TOTALLY UNFOUNDED.
I know
deep in my
heart that
the Class
of 2020
will be a
great one,
and that all of
you will do at
least passably
mediocre
things
in your bright, bright
futures! You may even
stumble upon employment, hopefully accompanied by
a generous salary, and in that case, Emory University
takes full credit and accepts MasterCard, Visa, Paypal, Venmo and suitcases full of unmarked cash for your
forthcoming donations. Together, we will work to make
Emory a more palatable place!

Sincerely,

President Claire Sterk
P.S. if anyone has a “connect”, “hit me up”you know
where to find me! ;)

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New Student Orientation
2016 First-Year Student Schedule
SATURDAY, AUGUST 20

ORIENTATION AND RESIDENCE HALL CHECK-IN
7:30 am - 3:00 pm
Residence Halls
Welcome to Emory! Residence hall staff members and
Orientation Leaders will assist new students and their
families with check-in.

BARNES & NOBLE AT EMORY

9:00 am - 6:00 pm
Barnes & Noble at Emory (1390 Oxford Road)
Visit your campus bookstore for everything Emory.
We have your choice of new, used, and digital overpriced textbooks. You can also rent your overpriced
textbooks from the bookstore and save less money
than renting from Amazon. We are excited this year
to be partnering with Bed, Bath & Beyond to offer a
resident shop pop-up tent at the 3rd floor bookstore
entrance to shop for all of the useless crap you will
eventually donate. Make us your one-stop shop for
Emory apparel, gifts, school supplies, residence hall
shopping, and trade books.

EMORYCARD OFFICE OPEN HOURS
9:00 am – 4:00 pm
Boisfeuillet Jones Center, First Floor
Students who did not obtain their EmoryCards upon
check-in may do so in the B. Jones Building.


EXPLORE THE CARLOS
10:00 am – 5:00 pm
Michael C. Carlos Museum
From the ancient to the modern world, the Michael

C. Carlos Museum brings to the Emory campus priceless treasures mapping an extraordinary breadth of
ancient cultures, customs, and legacies. Emory students receive free admission to the museum every
day but will never come back and families receive free
admission during New Student Orientation and are
far more excited about it then their children. Students
are encouraged to sign-up for a free membership at
the main admission desk or http://www.carlos.emory.
edu/studentmembership.
LAST MINUTE VACCINATION CLINIC

11:00 am - 4:00 pm
Woodruff PE Center, 2nd Floor, Dance/Martial Arts
Classroom
Student Health Services is offering Last Minute Vaccination Clinics Saturday, Monday, and Tuesday, just in
case you forgot that herd immunity is a great way to
prevent the apocalypse.

STUDENT TECHNOLGY SUPPORT (STS) OPEN HOURS

Saturday, August 20
11:00 am – 4:00 pm
11:00 am – 4:00 pm
Woodruff Library, 1st floor, STS Desk
If you need assistance joining the EmoryUnplugged
network (we have regretted this name ever since the
first “unplugged” joke was made approximately ten
minutes following its installation) or registering your
gaming consoles, TVs, and streaming devices, stop by
the Student Technology Support (STS) Desk on the 1st
floor of the Woodruff Library. Don’t miss out on this
amazing opportunity to bond with other frustrated
First-Years in line!

DISABILITY AND ACADEMIC SUPPORT RESOURCES FOR
STUDENTS

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3:00 pm – 4:00 pm
Anthropology 303
Access, Disability Services and Resources and Academic Support Program staff will be available to
explain programs and support services and introduce
you to our routine level of utter incompetence. This
program will present information for parents and
entering students on Emory policies and procedures
under the Americans with Disabilities Act, how these
differ from the laws that govern accommodations
during the K-12 years, how to make the most of the
academic support resources available and how to
solve problems that may occur. Believe us, there
will be lots of problems, so you’ll need the practice.
Please bring your questions for us to dodge.

DONNA AND MARVIN SCHWARTZ CENTER FOR PERFORMING ARTS TOUR

2:30 pm
Schwartz Center
Students and families may tour the Schwartz Center,
which includes a world-class concert hall, a theater
lab for the development of new works (we’re hoping
that using the term ‘lab’ will justify additional funding), and a dance studio.
GAP YEAR MEETUP

6:30 pm – 7:30 pm
Dobbs University Center, Coke Commons
Did you take some time between high school and
college? This gathering is for students who didn’t get
into their first choice before enrolling at Emory a year
later. Like-minded slackers will be in attendance to
welcome you to Emory.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 21
EMORY CARD OFFICE OPEN HOURS

9:00 am – 11:00 am
Boisfeuillet Jones Center, First Floor
Students who did not obtain their EmoryCards upon
check-in but do not want to perish in the coming winter may do so in the B. Jones Building. Seriously, you

still don’t have your EmoryCard?
FAREWELL LUNCH WITH FAMILY

12:00 pm – 1:30 pm
This time is open on both student and family schedules. You may choose to spend time with your family
eating at one of our on-campus dining locations or a
nearby off-campus restaurant before your next required event. Be sure you’re back and have finished
weeping in time for your required session at 2:00 PM.
We look forward to welcoming parents back to Emory
for Family Weekend from Friday, October 21, 2016, to
Sunday, October 23, 2016. They will be amazed to see
how much weight you have gained by then. For more
information, visit family.emory.edu or e-mail family@
emory.edu.

CLASS OF 2020 PHOTO

3:30 pm - 4:15 pm
Quadrangle
Join the rest of the Class of 2020 for the Seventh
Annual Class Photo! Receive your free Emory t-shirt
as you step out on the Quad to create a huge “twenty-twenty” (do you get it kids, your bodies, they will
form the shape of TWO ZERO TWO ZERO) with the
rest of your class. Come show your school spirit as
you become a part of an Emory tradition!

SONGFEST PRACTICE

4:30 pm – 6:00 pm

MONDAY, AUGUST 22nd

MORNING YOGA

8:00 am – 9:00 am
Quadrangle
Get your day started off right with this hour long class
that stretches muscles & tissues, while improving
range of motion and overall flexibility. A limited number of yoga mats will be provided, so bring your own
if you have one. Don’t forget to check out all the butts

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in tight pants!
PACE ACADEMIC ADVISING APPOINTMENTS

9:00 am - 12:00 pm
First-year students will meet individually or in groups
with their faculty advisors to plan their fall 2016
schedules. Although it may seem counterintuitive to
have a Women’s Gender Studies professor advise you
on what premed science classes to take, we assure
you that this program is a great way to discover new
fields of study for when you inevitably fail Chemistry
141. Besides, how else are you supposed to find out
Exchange phone numbers with as many people as
that medical school is a tool of the hetero-capitalist
possible during the first week
patriarchy?
That guy behind you in the sandwich line? Getting his
digits is a must. That girl you saw crying in the stairTUESDAY, AUGUST 23rd
well? You’ll want to text her later, trust us.

Tips and Tricks
for
Making Friends

OPENING CONVOCATION
4:30 pm - 6:00 pm
Woodruff PE Center Arena
Students will walk with their Orientation Leaders to
Convocation, the opening ceremony of the academic year, to hear from selected faculty and receive a
greeting from President-Elect Claire Sterk. She isn’t
trying to replace your President, kids, she just wants
to be there for you because I know the divorce with
Wagner was hard on you guys and hey who wants
pizza?

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 24th
STUDENT ACTIVITIES FAIR

7:30 pm - 9:30 pm
McDonough Field
Want to learn how to get involved at Emory? Representatives from Emory’s 300-plus beloved student
groups (and also the Spoke) will be on the field to
share information about their organizations and
obtain your email address so that they can bombard
your inbox well into your junior year.

Take the orientation mixer seriously
That kid you were forced to hold hands with while taking a selfie might have been kinda sweaty, but one day
he’ll be your best man.
Get involved! Sign up for as many clubs as possible
Even if they don’t interest you whatsoever! You’ll find
someone equally apathetic, ready to groan and grumble with you through padding your resumes.
Never eat alone!
Actively participate in TableTalk by sitting down at a
mostly occupied table at the DUC. Infusing yourself
into an already existing group of friends is a sure-fire
way to feel included and find your Emory family.
Put your phone down
It’s tempting to text your mom about how awesome
you’re doing so you look busy, but studies have shown
that looking away from your phone’s screen disrupts
its ability to consume your soul and prevent you from
ever actually making friends.
Emory students love a good debate
Share all your opinions, preferably loudly in the Dobbs
University Center, where your thoughts on abortion
can be heard from every corner of the building. Your
confidence is sure to grab the attention of your impassioned and forward thinking peers and win their
respect.

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SPOKE’S DECLASSIFIED GUIDE TO
PANHELLENIC GREEK FRATERNITY

Sigma Chi: (SigChi) They used to be really hot, so at least we could overlook their rudeness. But
now they aren’t hot and they’re still douchey.
Signature Drink: Burnett’s Pink Lemonade Flavored Vodka
Best Quality: They annually host “Derby Days,” which entails sorority girls dancing provocatively
for them, which obviously helps them end cancer.
Worst Quality: See all of the above.
Sigma Alpha Epsilon: (SAE) People say they are ‘sporty’, but are they really? How sporty can you
really be if you attend this school?
Signature Drink: Cheap champagne
Best Quality: Only house on the row with a pool.
Worst Quality: The pool is home to a thriving ecosystem of bacteria and venereal disease, fed by
copious amounts of bodily fluids.
Alpha Epsilon Pi: (AEPi) When you came to college, you assumed you would marry one. But then
you saw the Emory chapter and changed your mind.
Signature Drink: Grey Goose
Best Quality: Beer bong off the porch creates the illusion that they know how to party.
Worst Quality: Apparently not as Jewish as you or your mother had hoped.
Alpha Tau Omega: (ATO) You can spot an ATO by his patchy beard, haughty air, and 80’s sweater
vest.
Signature Drink: Blue Moon
Best Quality: Known for hosting events with Emory’s art clubs.
Worst Quality: They’re really just hunting for a new group of underclassmen to hit on.
Pi Kappa Alpha: (PIKE) What house are they in again?
Signature Drink: Miller Lite
Best Quality: Lots of booze available, because you won’t have to share.
Worst Quality: Their registered parties are attended exclusively by their own brothers, and their
plaintive wailing can be heard over “Shake It Off” still blasting on their stereo.
Zeta Beta Tau: (ZBT) also referred to as “Zeta Beta Tomata”.
Signature Drink: Limerita
Best Quality: They have a stripper pole in their basement.
Worst Quality: Allegedly peed on the American flag while partying in Florida.
Kappa Alpha: (KA) “The Order” was kicked off of campus in 2015 but they still have a strong off
campus presence.
Signature Drink: Jungle Juice, served out of a garbage can. Be suspicious.
Best Quality: Their best party was someone’s birthday. There were bagel bites.
Worst Quality: They worship a portrait of Robert E Lee.

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Kappa Sigma: (Kappa sig) Apparently Emory is their Alpha chapter, who would have guessed?
Signature Drink: Fireball Whiskey
Best Quality: Nice, kind of dorky, trying a little too hard to be cool. Have truly captured the
“douchey Southern” market after KA’s departure from campus.
Worst Quality: May also do a lot of coke. Their flag looks like a rip-off of the Mexican flag.
Xi Kappa: (XK)
Signature Drink: Sake
Best Quality: Annual barbeque open to freshmen assures that Asian students have an
opportunity to make their white friends feel uncomfortable at a party for once.
Worst Quality: Do we have to listen to more Evanescence?
Delta Tau Delta: Pronounced “DUH TUH DUH!”
Signature Drink: Virgin Strawberry Daquiri
Best Quality: Very imaginative, truly believe they are in a fraternity.
Worst Quality: Having to purchase two Deltas was quite a drain on the budget.
Alpha Phi Alpha: (Alphas) Came back to Emory last spring after a long hiatus.
Signature Drink: Rum and coke
Best Quality: Damn, they can dance! And engage in meaningful conversations about
inequality and racial oppression.
Worst Quality: Watching them stroll will make you feel inadequate.
Sigma Alpha Mu: “Sammy” Signature Drink: Long Island Iced Tea
Best Quality: They spend a lot of money for open bars at mixers.
Worst Quality: Who needs jokes when Sammy is one already?
Sigma Epsilon: “Sig Ep”
Signature Drink: Mike’s Hard Lemonade
Best Quality: Unlikely to be hazed by brothers with an average height of 5’6”
Worst Quality: Your friends will rave about how nice they are during rush and then take a
bid from literally anywhere else with a house or relevance.

REMEMBERING:

Chi Phi: REST IN PEACE. We still think of you fondly whenever we get caught making new
writers do push-ups.
Sig Nu: Party basketballers kicked off of campus in 2014 for something involving vermin and
barbeque sauce.
Beta Theta Pi: (BETA) Remember Biff from Back To The Future? He’s a Beta.
Signature Drink: Jose Cuervo Tequila
Best quality: They once had a giant inflatable slide that turned into a Slip n Slide ™ at at
party.
Worst quality: Their Mansion party feels like the prelude to the apocalypse, only you’re in
lingerie and bunny ears.

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Emory Lingo
you need to know

“Hit the Row”
Standing in front a fraternity house
with your entire freshman res hall
while one kid frantically texts an
upperclassman who’s busy looking
to get laid.

“The Depot”
What the tradition-breakers call
the late night eatery on Eagle Row.
LONG LIVE ZAYA’S!

“Dooley”
Emory’s unofficial mascot, whose
rebranding as Claire E. Dooley
marks the first female mascot at
Emory since Swoop’s experimental
“ I’m Pre-Med”
How Emory students let their peers phase in the ‘60s.
know that they have a significantly “Ebola”
“The Emory Wheel”
A newspaper that will knowing- larger inferiority complex.
Emory’s daring stand against this
ly publish your uninformed think “James Wagner, a.k.a. JSwags”
societal menace put the university
piece for those sweet, rage-induced Emory’s former President, peace in national news.
shares.
be upon him, whose controversial
statements on the 3/5 compromise “Chalk”
“The B School”
Emory’s daring stand against this
Notable alumni include Scrooge [redacted].
societal menace put the university
McDuck and the creators of the Em- “Claire E. Sterk a.k.a. House Sterk” in national news.
ory Bubble, OrgSync's creepy uncle. Emory’s new President, who has
graciously agreed to take on the job “Songfest”
“Mag’s”
Maggie’s Bar and Grille, the best At- at 77% of the outgoing president’s Ever since the 13 freshman districts
rebelled against the Capitol, leadlanta bar located in a suburban strip pay.
ing to the destruction of District
mall.
“So what part of New York are you 13’s McTyeire Hall, RAs must send
from?”
“Swoop”
tributes from their districts to comNew Yorkers are notoriously ter- pete for the amusement of adminNobody cares about Swoop.
ritorial and use this mating call to istrators and staff.
identify their own.