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COLD OPEN

OPEN ON: A BAKERY COUNTER SOMEWHERE IN MIDDLE AMERICA. A COUPLE
(JAY AND TARAN) ARE LOOKING AT ITEMS BEHIND THE GLASS WHEN THE
OWNER (AIDY) WALKS OUT. ANOTHER WOMAN (CECILY) IS STANDING NEARBY
AS WELL.
AIDY
Hey guys welcome to Taste of Heaven
JAY
Thanks a lot.
TARAN
We just love your bakery.
AIDY
Well thanks so much that’s so sweet of you.
Here, try one of our new key lime pie cookies.
TARAN
Aww thank you so much. That’s so sweet of you.
JAY
We were wondering whether or not you bake
wedding cakes? We’ve had pretty much everything
else you make and it’s all just so wonderful.
AIDY
Why of course we do.
TARAN
Perfect. This is the last thing we need
to take care of.
Agreed.

JAY
Let’s order it right now.

AIDY
Well you guys certainly know what you want.
SHE GRABS A CLIPBOARD AND A PEN.
AIDY (cont)
Let’s see, when will you need the cake for?
JAY
Saturday, August first.
AIDY
Well that is coming up quick.
JAY

Sorry for the short notice.
TARAN
Now that everything is legal and all
we just couldn’t wait.
AIDY
Legal?
JAY AND TARAN TURN AND SMILE AT EACH OTHER AND SHARE A QUICK
KISS.
JAY
Yup. You’ve seen the Facebook profile pictures
I’m sure all rainbowed up.
TARAN
Love wins!
AIDY
Oh no.
TARAN
Excuse me?
AIDY
No.
AIDY TEARS UP THE ORDER FORM
AIDY (cont)
I am evoking my religious right to say no to
this abomination.
JAY
Abomination?

TARAN
We just want to get married and celebrate with
your delicious cake.
AIDY
No no no. As a Christian I cannot sell you
a wedding cake.
JAY
You could just give it to us then.
TARAN AND JAY CHUCKLE AT THE IDEA. AIDY IS DISGUSTED.
CECILY

Wait, I can still get my divorce cake here,
right?
AIDY
Of course dear.
TARAN
Hold on. I think it’s rather crazy that you
are refusing to make us a cake, a cake
celebrating love, but you’ll make one for
the end of her marriage?
AIDY
Well that is my right and you can’t make me.
In fact, give me back my cookie as well.
TARAN LOOKS AT THE COOKIE, THEN A JAY, WHO MOTIONS TO HAND IT
BACK TO HER. HE RELUCTANTLY HANDS IT OVER.
TARAN
I didn’t even get to try it.
AIDY
Good because I don’t even want you to have my
free cookies.
JAY
Honey he’s not interested in your cookies.
Stop it.
me out.

TARAN
You guys are gross.

You’re grossing

CECILY
I think they are adorable.
AIDY
Well you think wrong. You’re all wrong.
JAY
More importantly, it’s just not good business
to send customers away.
AIDY
I don’t care. I’d rather eat the profits
then serve you two.
AIDY SHOVELS THE WHOLE COOKIE INTO HER MOUTH, CRUMBS FLYING ALL
OVER.
AIDY (cont)
(with a mouthful of cookie)
I’d rather go out of business before...

AIDY STARTS COUGHING AND CHOKING ON THE COOKIE. SHE IS THROWING
HER ARMS AROUND HER NECK LOOKING AT JAY, TARAN AND CECILY FOR
HELP.
CECILY
Oh my god I think she is choking.
TARAN
Sure looks like it.
CECILY
Do either of you guys know the Heimlich maneuver?
JAY
I do.
AIDY RUNS OUT FROM BEHIND THE COUNTER AND UP TO JAY, HER ARMS
FLYING ALL AROUND, HER CHEEKS FULL OF COOKIE THAT IS FALLING OUT
OF HER MOUTH AND ONTO THE FLOOR.
CECILY
Well what are you waiting for?
JAY
Me? Oh nothing. It’s just that it is my right
to decide who I get to perform the maneuver on.
TARAN
Aren’t you being just a little extreme sweetie?
JAY
(almost crying)
She offended me and took away your cookie babe.
TARAN
If my soon to be husband, whether you like it
or not, saves your life, can we have all of
the cookies?
AIDY FRANTICALLY SHAKES HER HEAD YES. SHE IS CLEARLY STARTING TO
PANIC.
JAY
But if I just wait for her to die I
could have all of the cookies anyway.
CECILY
That’s terrible.
JAY
I’m only kidding...mostly. Doesn’t
feel so good to be discriminated
against does it.

AIDY SHAKES HER HEAD NO VIOLENTLY AND IS MAKING A ‘‘BEGGING’’
SIGN WITH HER HANDS AS SHE STARES AT JAY.
JAY (cont)
Lucky for you I took an oath that
day at CPR to do all I can to help
anyone who was in trouble. Even
racists, bigots and bad dressers.
JAY PULLS AIDY IN AGAINST HIM AND STARTS THE HEIMLICH MANEUVER ON
HER. AFTER A COUPLE OF TRIES THE REST OF THE COOKIE COMES FLYING
OUT. AIDY IS OUT OF BREATH AND FALLS TO THE FLOOR AND OUT OF THE
SHOT.
TARAN
There you go.
(motioning to the cookies on the floor)
You’re going to want to clean all that
up. Pretty sure that’s against some
health code or something.
JAY WALKS BEHIND THE COUNTER, WHICH AIDY IS NOW CLIMBING UP OFF
OF THE FLOOR HOLDING ON TO AND PULLING HERSELF UP. HE REACHES IN
THE DISPLAY AND PULLS OUT THE ENTIRE TRAY OF COOKIES.
JAY
We’ll be taking these.
TARAN, JAY, CECILY & AIDY
And live from New York it’s Saturday Night.

MONOLOGUE - MILA KUNIS (HOMEBASE)
OPEN ON: SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE HOUSE BAND PLAYING.
DARREL (O.C.)
Ladies and gentlemen...Mila Kunis
DOOR OPENS AND MILA KUNIS WALKS THROUGH THE DOOR AND ONTO THE
STAGE
MILA
Thank you so much, I’m so excited to here
hosting Saturday Night Live for my very first
time! This is such a change from what I
usually do. While I’ve been on the screen of
course in films like Annie and Ted, mostly I’m
not seen at all as I hang out behind the scenes
voicing characters on Family Guy, Robot Chicken
and coming soon as Deema in Hell and Back, which
is a new film where two best friends have to go
hell to rescue a friend who’s accidently been
dragged there. Makes me wonder, would anyone go
to hell for me?
PETE COMES FLYING ONTO THE STAGE
PETE
(out of breath)
Without a doubt Mila. Whoa, got to give me
a minute here. I ran out here pretty fast
PETE LEANS OVER, HANDS ON HIS KNEES, BREATHING HEAVILY.
COMES RUNNING OUT NEXT AND BUMPS PETE OUT OF THE WAY.

TARAN

TARAN
Look Mila, Pete’s a good guy and all, but I
seriously doubt that if you were stuck in the
fiery pits of the underworld you’d want him
to come to your rescue. He’s not exactly in
great shape as you can see.
JAY STROLLS CAUSUALLY STROLLS ONTO THE STAGE AND POLITELY MOVES
BOTH PETE AND TARAN BACK IN A VERY SMOOTH MANNER

JAY
Here’s the deal Mila. Pete’s wildly out of
shape, especially for a man his age. Taran
would be a fine choice if you were only
choosing between Pete and him. But when you
add me to the mix, now it’s a whole new

ballgame.

I’m the one you want by your side.

PETE, TARAN AND JAY NOW BEGIN TO ARGUE AMONG THEMSELVES AS TO WHO
WOULD BE THE BEST CHOICE TO RESCUE MILA FROM HELL. MILA
INTRERUPTS THEM
MILA
Hold on guys, I was just wondering if anyone
would go to hell for me. I didn’t want it to
turn into a competition or anything.
JAY
It isn’t a competition Mila.
TARAN
Says Jay, the guy who’s still scared of the
Dark.
PETE
Wait Jay’s scared of the dark?
TARAN
Lights guys.
THE HOUSE GOES DARK.

JAY SHRIEKS AND SCREAMS.

JAY
Turn them back on!
THE LIGHTS COME BACK ON. JAY IS SITTING ON THE FLOOR, CURLED
INTO A BALL ROCKING BACK AND FORTH.
MILA
You’re a grown man Jay. But guys it doesn’t
matter I don’t think I’ll be stuck in hell
anytime soon.
TARAN
Well Mila I’d do anything for you. Rescue you
from hell, slap Pete. You want me to slap Pete?
TARAN REACHS BACK AND SLAPS PETE ACROSS THE FACE, KNOCKING HIM
DOWN. JAY IS STANDING BACK UP AS PETE IS KNOCKED DOWN.
PETE (O.C.)
What the heck Taran?
TARAN
I’ll do it again. I can slap Jay for
you too.
Jay
I wouldn’t try it.

TARAN REACHES BACK TO SLAP JAY AND JAY DUCKS, STANDS BACK UP AND
PUNCHES TARAN IN THE STOMACH, SENDING HIM TO THE GROUND.
MILA
Oh my God guys.
JAY
See that’s not who you need on your side
in hell. Plus with all the fire and stuff
I’m sure it’s plenty light down there.
MILA
I’m not going to hell.
question.

It was just a hypothetical

DURING JAY AND MILA’S SHORT CONVERSATION, PETE AND TARAN HAVE
GOTTEN BACK UP AND ARE STANDING BY JAY.
MILA (cont)
But, I have to admit, that even though I’m
happily married, it is sort of nice to have
you guys fighting over me. You know what I
could go for right now? I would be so happy
if someone brought me back one of those
waffles from the truck that parks in Greenwich
Village? That would be just awesome.
MILA SMILES AT THE GUYS. AFTER A BEAT, TARAN AND JAY PUSH PETE
OVER AND BOOK IT OFF STAGE. PETE POPS BACK UP FAIRLY QUICKLY.
PETE
I’m not saying those guys are jerks, but
seriously, those guys are jerks.
PETE RUNS OFF STAGE AS WELL.
MILA
I’m not kidding. Have you guys had those
waffles? They are excellent. We have a great
show for you this evening. Stick around!
CUT TO: OUTSIDE OF 30 ROCK, TARAN AND JAY COME FLYING OUT THE
DOOR AND START RUNNING DOWN THE STREET. PETE WALKS OUT AND HEADS
OVER TO A NYPD POLICE OFFICER AND TALKS INTO HIS EAR. HE SPRINTS
TO HIS CAR AND PETE FOLLOWS. THEY BOTH GET IT AND HE PEELS OUT,
SIRENS AND LIGHTS BLARING AS THEY DRIVE AWAY.

OPENING MONOLOGUE - MILA KUNIS (BACKSTAGE)
OPEN ON: HOUSE BAND AS MILA KUNIS ENTERS THE STAGE
MILA
Thank you very much.

Thank you.

I’m so excited

to be here finally hosting Saturday Night Live.
The thought of hosting this iconic show has truly
terrified me, and in fact, if I am being honest, I
am still more than a little nervous to be up here,
but everyone has been so supportive this week…
PETE ENTERS THE STAGE.
WALKING STRAIGHT

HE IS GIGGLING AND HAVING A HARD TIME

MILA (cont)
Pete, what are you doing? Are you laughing at me?
What?

PETE
No, no, no...you’re doing great.

I assume you are.

Or at least

I really haven’t seen any of

the show yet.
PETE STARTS TO WALK PAST MILA, ALMOST BUMPING INTO HER. SHE
REACHES OUT AND GRABS HIM TO STOP HIM.
MILA
Well it just started. Wait, then why are
you laughing?
PETE
Am I?

I was?

MILA
You’re giggling like a kid who’s hiding something?

PETE
Who’s hiding anything? What do I have to hide?
Nothing is going on backstage.
MILA

So something’s happening backstage huh?
They’re not watching me either are they?
PETE
Damn she’s good.

How’d you figure it out?
MILA

This is ridiculous. Everyone knows how nervous I
am and no one is even bothering to be supportive? I’m
going back there. They’ll be sorry.
PETE WOBBLY STEPS IN FRONT OF MILA TO TRY AND STOP HER FROM GOING
BACKSTAGE.
PETE
It’s probably best you don’t actually go back
there.
MILA
Oh shut up.
MILA PUSHES PETE OVER AND WALKS OFF STAGE.
FLOOR GIGGLING HARDER THAN BEFORE.

PETE IS NOW ON THE

PETE (O.C.)
I think she may have broke my clavicle.
that's a funny word.

Clavicile.

Man,

Claaavvvicle.

CUT TO: MILA IS WALKING AROUND BACKSTAGE. TV SCREENS ARE ALL ON
SHOWING THE STAGE BUT THE HALLWAYS ARE A GHOSTTOWN. NO ONE IS TO
BE FOUND.

MILA
What the hell?

All week everyone is like,

oh Mila, you’ll do great, we’re all here for
you, blah blah blah and lies lies lies.

And

now no one is here.
AS SHE CONTINUES TO MOVE ABOUT BACKSTAGE, SHE SPOTS A DOOR WITH
SMOKE COMING OUT FROM UNDERNEATH IT.

CUT TO: A DARKENED SMOKE FILLED ROOM. SITTING AROUND A TABLE
ARE CECILY, KENAN, ASHTON KUTCHER, DANNY MASTERSON, WILMA
VALDERAMA, AND LAURA PREPON. THEY ARE SITTING AROUND SMOKING POT,
ALA THAT 70’S SHOW STYLE.
CECILY
Was Mila this needy on That 70’s Show?
SWING CAMERA TO THE LEFT TO LAURA.
LAURA
Oh god yes. It was always, I need this, I want
that. She didn’t have to reach too far to
play Jackie.
SWING CAMERA TO THE LEFT TO KENAN.
KENAN
You know black people were pretty popular
in the 70s, yet there is never one on that
show.
SWING CAMERA TO THE RIGHT BACK TO LAURA.
LAURA
I think we had one…once.
SWING CAMERA TO THE RIGHT TO CECILY.
CECILY
I’ve always thought I sort of look like
Mila.
SWING CAMERA TO THE RIGHT TO ASHTON.
ASHTON
I’d have to see you naked to really judge.
SWING CAMERA TO THE LEFT TO CECILY.
CECILY

Ew, Ashton.
SWING CAMERA TO THE RIGHT TO ASHTON.
ASTON
Well at least topless.

Look I wouldn’t really

enjoy it.
SWING CAMERA TO THE RIGHT TO DANNY AND WILMA SITTING TOGETHER.
DANNY
I’d enjoy it.
WILMA
Yes, I would enjoy it very much.
SWING CAMERA TO THE LEFT, PAST ASHTON WHO IS SMILING, PAST CECILY
WHO LOOKS CONCERNED, TO LAURA.

LAURA
You guys are gross.

And clearly Cecily’s

boobs are way bigger
SWING CAMERA TO THE RIGHT TO CECILY, WHO IS SMILING LOOKING DOWN
AT HER CHEST.
SWING CAMERA TO THE RIGHT TO ASHTON, WHO IS SMILING WIDELY.
TO DANNY AND WILMA WHO ARE BOTH STARRING STRAIGHT AHEAD AT
CECILY. DANNY IS NODDING HIS HEAD AND SMILING. WILMA LOOKS
GIDDY.

THEN

SWING CAMERA TO THE RIGHT TO KENAN.
KENAN
Would it have killed them to included just
one black guy?
CUT TO: MILA, OUTSIDE OF THE DOOR IN THE HALLWAY AS SHE IS
OPENING IT UP. LIGHT FLOODS THE ROOM AS SMOKE POURS OUT. MILA
WALKS IN AND FLIPS THE OVERHEAD LIGHTS ON.
MILA

Oh my god, are you guys sitting around smoking
pot instead of watching my monologue?
LAURA
Mila relax, we’re watching it.
CUT TO: KENAN LOOKING AT A TV SCREEN THAT HAS THAT 70’S SHOW ON
IT THAT HE IS WATCHING IN FAST-FORWARD.
KENAN
I’m half-way through season six and no black
guys yet.

ASHTON
Look sweetie, you’re too tense about this
whole thing?

Why don’t you join us.

MILA, STILL ANGRY, WALKS OVER AND STARTS TO SIT DOWN.
CUT TO: DARK, SMOKE FILLED ROOM ONCE AGAIN.
CECILY AND MILA SITTING TOGETHER.

SHOT OPENS ON

CECILY
We could be twins.
MILA
We could totally be twins.
MILA AND CECILY START MAKING THE SAME FACES INTO THE CAMERA.
CUT TO:

KENAN, WHO IS PUTTING DOWN A REMOTE ON THE TABLE.
KENAN
Well that does it. I went through every
episode. Not a black guy to be found.

SWING CAMERA TO THE RIGHT TO DANNY AND WILMA.
DANNY
Hey Mila, shouldn’t you go and finish
the monologue?

CUT TO: MILA AND CECILY WHO ARE STILL MAKING FACES. WHAT DANNY
SAID HITS MILA AND SHE PUSHES HER CHAIR BACK AND STANDS UP.
MILA
Holy crap the monologue!
MILA RUNS OUT OF THE SHOT.
CAMERA.
CUT TO:

CECILY IS STILL MAKING FACES INTO THE

DANNY AND WILMA STILL SITTING TOGETHER.
WILMA
Lorne is not going to be happy.

CUT TO: LORNE, WHO IS NOW IN THE CHAIR NEXT TO CECILY WHERE MILA
WAS SITTING. CECILY IS STILL MAKING FACES INTO THE CAMERA.
LORNE
Don’t tell me how to feel.
LORNE JOINS CECILY AND STARTS MAKING FACES INTO THE CAMERA AS
WELL.
CUT TO:

THE MAIN STAGE WHERE MILA HAS JUST FINISHED RUNNING UP.
MILA
We have a great show for you tonight.
around!

Stick

ADVERTISEMENT - BARNES AND NOBLE (LIVE)
OPEN ON: THE INTERIOR OF A BOOKSTORE (A COUPLE OF SHELVES OF
BOOKS WILL DO WITH A GREEN SCREEN BEHIND IT OF A BARNES AND NOBLE
STORE) WITH THE COMPANY CEO MICHAEL P. HUSEBY (BECK) STANDING IN
FRONT OF THE SHELVES.
BECK
My name is Michael P. Huseby and I’m proud to
be the CEO of Barnes and Noble Booksellers.
When I took over this post in January 2014,
our sales were down thanks to competition
from Amazon and other online retailors. But
I’m here today to remind you that buying
and reading books the old fashion way is
actually much simpler than going online and
downloading an e-book.
BECK WALKS OVER TO THE BOOKSELF BEHIND HIM.
BECK (cont)
It’s really just a three step process. Step
one, pick out your book. Step two, walk over
to the check out counter. Step three, pay and
take your book home that day, right then and
there. Simple as that.
BECK IS FULL OF SMILES AND CHEER. HE TRULY BELIEVES THAT THE
COMPANY IS GOING TO MAKE IT AT THIS POINT. CUSTOMER # 1 WALKS
OVER AND UP TO BECK HOLDING A BOOK AND AN IPAD.
CUSTOMER # 1
But how do you get this onto my iPad?
BECK
You don’t, you actually read the book right
here on the book itself.
CUSTOMER # 1 GIVES A ‘‘GOT IT’’ LOOK TO BECK AND READS THE COVER.
HE THEN TAKES HIS FINGER AND SWIPES IT FROM RIGHT TO LEFT IN AN
EFFORT TO TURN THE PAGE. HE TRIES AGAIN AND LOOKS UP AT BECK
CONFUSED.
BECK GRABS THE BOOK FROM CUSTOMER # 1 AND STARTS FLIPPING THROUGH
THE PAGES WITH HIM.

No, no, no.

BECK
No swiping.

Just turn the pages.

CUSTOMER #1 STARTS TO DO IT HIMSELF, AS IF HE HAS NEVER SEEN A
BOOK BEFORE IN HIS LIFE. HE IS NERVOUS AND UNSURE OF HIMSELF AS

HE FLIPS THROUGH THE PAGES. HE CONTINUES DOING IT AS HE WALKS
OFF STAGE AND CUSTOMER # 2 ENTERS HOLDING ANOTHER BOOK.
CUSTOMER # 2
So where do I plug it in?
BECK
It actually doesn’t require power at all.
CUSTOMER # 3 WALKS UP AND JOINS CUSTOMER # 2.
CUSTOMER # 3
So it has a battery then?
BECK
No, no battery. No anything but beautiful
paper pages to read through.
CUSTOMER # 2 AND # 3 LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND THEN AT THE BOOKS.
THEY ARE VERY CONFUSED. THEY WALK AWAY AS BECK STEPS BACK
TOWARDS THE CAMERA.
BECK (cont)
It’s hard to believe it can be this simple
right?
CUT TO: PRE-TAPE OF A PERSON SITTING AT A COMPUTER SURFING THE
INTERNET. AS BECK TALKS HE GOES THROUGH THE PROCESS OF ORDERING
A BOOK THAT QUICKLY AND HE GETS UP AND WALKS AWAY FROM THE
COMPUTER.
BECK (cont) (VO)
When you go online to download the latest
novel from your favorite writer, or that
cookbook you know your Mom has been longing
for, you can’t hold the book, page through
it. Sometimes you can’t even look inside it before
you buy it.
CUT TO: BECK BACK IN FRONT OF THE SHELVES STANDING NEXT TO
CUSTOMER # 4
BECK (cont)
But at Barnes and Noble, you can...
CUSTOMER # 4 CUTS BECK OFF
CUSTOMER # 4
Wait, wait wait. In the time it took
you to say all that I could have downloaded
the book, plus I wouldn’t have to drive
here or put on pants. And, how does this
thing even remember where I was when I
get tired of reading and need to take a

break?
BECK
That’s why we give you one of these.
HANDS CUSTOMER #4 A BOOKMARK. HE TAKES IT CAUTIOUSLY, LOOKING AT
IT WITH A CONFUSED LOOK ON HIS FACE. BECK’S DEMEANOR IS STARTING
TO CHANGE FROM CHIPPER AND HAPPY TO SLIGHTLY FRUSTRATED.
BECK (cont)
It’s a bookmark. Just stick it in the page
where you left off and then next time, pick
back up right there.
CUSTOMER #4
I don’t know, seems like a lot of work.
CUSTOMER # 5 WALKS INTO THE SCENE.
CUSTOMER # 5
(talking to the book)
Please define the word maestro
BECK
Are you talking to the book?
CUSTOMER # 4
That’s pretty cool, you can talk right to
it just like my iPad.
BECK
No, you can’t actually. There are no apps
on the book. It’s just a book.
BECK REACHES ONTO THE SHELF BEHIND HIM AND PULLS OFF A DICTIONARY
BECK (cont)
If you’re unsure of a word’s meaning, you’ll
need a dictionary.
CUSTOMER # 5
Wait, so to use this book I need another
book?
BECK IS NOW VISABLY FRUSTRATED AND ANGRY WITH THE CUSTOMERS.
BECK
It’s really not this complicated folks.
CUSTOMER # 4
What if I really like the book, can I buy
the next one in the series like through an
in-book purchase?

BECK
(getting even more frustrated)
No, again, that is an app thing. You’re
thinking of in-app purchases. This is a
book. If you want the next book, just
come back to Barnes and Noble and pick
it up. Simple as that.
CUSTOMER # 5
It’s actually not that simple as all.
CUSTOMER #4
This does seem like a lot of work.
BECK TAKES A DEEP BREATH. HE TURNS FROM ANGRY TO OPTIMISTIC ONCE
AGAIN. THE CAMERA ZOOMS IN ON HIM AS HE DELIVERS HIS NEXT LINE.
BECK
Sure, maybe it is a bit more complicated
that just downloading the book, but isn’t
it a great feeling holding a book in your
hand.
CUT TO: CUSTOMER #4 AND #5 BOTH HOLDING PHONES IN THEIR HANDS,
NOT PAYING ATTENTION TO BECK, WHO’S FACE TURNS FROM HAPPY TO SAD.
CUSTOMER # 4
Here, here it is. Since we’re already here,
we can hit the Apple Store and pick up new
phones.
CUSTOMER # 5
(talking to the phone)
I am so sorry I thought I could replace you.
I forgive you.

SIRI (VO)
I know it won’t happen again.

CUSTOMER # 4 and 5 WALK OUT OF THE STORE. BECK NOW JUST LOOKS
SAD.
FADE TO: ART CARD OF A BARNES AND NOBLE STORE. CHYRON OF THE
VOICEOVER BELOW APPEARS ON THE SCREEN SHORTLY BEFORE IT IS HEARD.
ANNOUNCER (VO)
Barnes and Noble. Yup, we know it’s only a
matter of time.

ADVERTISEMENT - PAUL MILLER’S - 60 SECOND AD (PRE-PRODUCED)
OPEN ON: A COUPLE (CECILY AND TARAN) SITTING IN A BOOTH
DINER TYPE OF RESTAURANT. OTHER COUPLES AND PEOPLE ARE
AROUND THEM AND A WAITRESS OR TWO ARE BUSY MOVING ABOUT
EVERYONE. PEOPLE LOOK FRUSTRATED. A MAN BEHIND CECILY
BEGINS TO SHOUT AT THE WAITRESS.
RANDOM MAN
Miss this isn’t even what I ordered.
waiting 30 minutes already.
CECILY
Lucky him, at least he got something.
even been by to take our order.

AT A
SEATED
SERVING
AND TARAN

I’ve been

No one’s

TARAN
Let’s get out of here, I know a place we can go.
TARAN STANDS UP AS DOES CECILY.
TO WALK AWAY.

HE TAKES HER HAND AND THEY BEGIN

CUT TO: THE INTERIOR OF A DOWN HOME COUNTRY RESTAURANT (THINK A
CRACKER BARREL TYPE OF JOINT). THERE ARE SMILES ALL AROUND,
INCLUDING ON CECILY AND TARAN AS THEY WALK IN AND HAVE A SEAT IN
A BOOTH. A WAITER WALKS UP TO THEM WITH A COFFEE POT IN HAND.
WAITER
Welcome to Paul Miller’s.
start?

Care for some coffee to

CECILY
Why yes thank you so much.
CUT TO: THE TABLE AS THE WAITER STARTS TO POUR OUT THE COFFEE
INTO RATHER LARGE MUGS.
CUT TO:

CECILY WITH A SURPRISED BUT PLEASANT LOOK ON HER FACE.
CECILY (cont)
That is a big cup of coffee.

CUT TO:

TARAN SMILING, LOOKING RATHER HAPPY WITH HIMSELF.
TARAN
The portions here are great.
WAITER
Can I tell you about our specials today?
TARAN
Please.

WAITER
I know you’ve got the coffee to get started,
but we also our Georgia Down Home Sweet Tea
available as well.
AS THE WAITER BEGINS TO DESCRIBE THE DRINK THE SCREEN WILL SHOW A
VISUAL OF IT BEING MADE FROM SCRATCH.
WAITER (V.O.)
In a chilled Paul Miller’s collectable glass,
we pour in 32 ounces of southern style tea,
three tablespoons of sugar. Wait, make that
four. Then we squeeze in the juice of a whole
Georgia peach. And you know what, it’s five
tablespoons of sugar. Or maybe six.
CUT TO:

THE WAITER STANDING NEXT TO TARAN AND CECILY.
WAITER
And I bet you’re hungry too, right?

TARAN AND CECILY NOD ENTHUSIASTICALLY.
WAITER (cont)
Well today we are featuring our Pigs of Three
Nations burger.
CECILY
Three nations?
Yes ma’am.

WAITER
First we start with...

AS THE WAITER BEGINS TO DESCRIBE THE BURGER THE SCREEN WILL SHOW
A VISUAL OF THE BURGER BEING BUILT FROM SCRATCH.
WAITER (cont)
...a fresh baked pretzel roll. Next we add
our hand pressed one pound Miller Burger,
made with grade A ground sirloin. Then we place
a slice of pure Wisconsin cheddar on top, followed
by the best part of all. The pigs of three nations.
A thick cut slice of Canadian Bacon, four strips of
hickory smoked American Bacon, and last but not
least a big ole slice of imported Irish Bacon.
CUT TO:

CECILY REACTING HAPPILY TO THE DESCRIPTION
CECILY
That sounds amazing.
WAITER
Well hold on their young lady, I’m not done yet.

CUT TO: A VISUAL OF THE BURGER AGAIN AS THE WAITER CONTINUES HIS
DESCRIPTION.
WAITER
To give it even more of an international flavor,
we put on slices of imported swiss and smoked gouda
cheeses before topping it with Paul’s signature
sauce and serving it to you.
CUT TO:

TARAN, WHO IS EXCITEDLY WAITING TO ORDER.
TARAN
We’ll take two!

THE WAITER SMILES AND WALKS AWAY.
THE TABLE SMILING AS WELL.

TARAN AND CECILY ARE LEFT AT

CUT TO: THE MEAL IS NOW FINISHED. TARAN AND CECILY ARE LOUNGING
BACK IN THE BOOTH, COMPLETELY STUFFED, WITH MESSY FACES, NAPKINS
STREWN ALL OVER, BUT MOSTLY EMPTY PLATES, MINUS A FEW SCRAPS. THE
WAITER WALKS UP TO THE TABLE. HE IS SMILING TOO.
WAITER
So how was it?
Amazing.

TARAN
We’re stuffed.

WAITER
Well I hope you left some room for dessert.
CECILY
Actually, we’ll just take...
THE WAITER CUTS HER OFF AND STARTS DESCRIBING THE DESSERT. AS
THAT HAPPENS WE CUT TO A VISUAL OF THE DESSERT BEING BUILT.
WAITER
Our dessert of the day is the Ooey-Gooey Fresh
and Chewy. Inside a waffle cone bowl, we pop in
a fresh Paul Miller’s cinnamon roll. Then we
pile on two scoops each of vanilla, chocolate and
strawberry ice cream, hot fudge, caramel sauce and
Mrs. Miller’s homemade cinnamon-sugar frosting.
Top it with a cherry and some fresh whipped cream
and it’s all ready for you to enjoy.
CUT TO: AN OVERLY HAPPY TARAN, WHO STILL LOOKS DISHEVILED FROM
EATING THE BURGER EARILER.
TARAN
I think we could split one.

THE WAITER SMILES AND WALKS AWAY. TARAN AND CECILY START TO SIT
UP GETTING READY TO EAT ONCE AGAIN.
CUT TO: AN ART CARD OF THE OUTSIDE OF THE RESTAURANT WITH ITS
SIGN IN THE BACKGROUND. CHYRON OF THE TEXT BELOW ALSO APPEARS ON
THE SCREEN.
ANNOUNCER
Paul Miller’s. Feeding you like family.
If you’re family is trying to kill you.

TV PARODY - HOUSE HUNTERS: NEW YORK CITY
OPEN ON: COVER VIDEO OF NEW YORK CITY WITH THE HOUSE HUNTERS LOGO
ON THE SCREEN. AS THE NARRATOR SPEAKS, THE COVER VIDEO OF THE
CITY CHANGES, BEGINNING WITH SOARING SKYSCRAPERS AND QUICKLY
MOVING TO A RATTY LOOKING BUILDING THAT NO ONE SHOULD LIVE IN.
NARRATOR (v.o.)
Amy and Rob are looking for an affordable
apartment in Manhattan. Both are just out
of college and ready to take on the city,
but can they find something in their budget
of $750 a month.
CUT TO: AMY (MILA) AND ROB (PETE) ON A GREEN SCREEN, STANDING ON
A STREET IN MANHATTAN.
MILA
We know we don’t have a lot of money
to spend, but we really want to live
in Manhattan.
PETE
It’s really been our dream ever since
we watch Elf last Christmas.
CUT TO: A PRE-TAPE, DOCUMENTARY STYLE SET-UP IN A REAL ESTATE
OFFICE WITH THE AGENT (VANESSA BAYER) SITTING IN THE CHAIR AT THE
DESK ADDRESSING THE CAMERA DIRECTLY.
AGENT
While it has been a bit of a challenge
finding suitable places for Amy and Rob
in their budget, I think I have one for
them today that is going to work.
CUT TO: MILA AND PETE ARE WALKING INTO THE APARTMENT WITH THE
AGENT (VANESSA). THE APARTMENT IS ACTUALLY A TINY JANITORS
CLOSET.
MILA
This place is awful small.
PETE ATTEMPTS TO CLOSE THE DOOR, BUT IT HITS MILA. SHE TRIES TO
MOVE AND THEN BUMPS INTO VANESSA. VANESSA TRIES TO MOVE BUT
BUMPS INTO PETE. PETE TRIES TO MOVE AND JUST CAN’T GO ANYWHERE.
VANESSA
Here, I think I can get it.
VANESSA NOW TRIES TO CLOSE THE DOOR BUT MILA IS IN THE WAY. MILA
BREATHES IN HEAVILY, PETE HUGS ONTO HER AND VANESSA GETS THE DOOR
CLOSED.

VANESSA
There we go.
PETE
How many square feet is this place?
VANESSA
Square foot, not feet.

It’s a square foot.

MILA
How are we suppose to live in a square foot?
CUT TO: A PRE-TAPE OF VANESSA BACK AT THE REAL ESTATE OFFICE IN
HER CHAIR ADDRESSING THE CAMERA.
VANESSA
There is a thing that never changes about
first-time buyers, especially when they
are right out of college. They have, how
should I say this, wildly unrealistic goals.
CUT TO: THE APARTMENT AS WE LEFT IT.
VANESSA
Actually Amy, and I know you might find
this hard to believe, but this was the
only place I could find in your price range
in Manhattan. We’re actually lucky we get
to see it at all. Another few hours, it will
probably be off the market.
PETE
I think we could make it work.
MILA
Make it work?
PETE
Well let’s hear her out.
MILA
I suppose we have to, I can’t get out of
here if I tried.
VANESSA
So this place has only been on the market
for two days and it was recently converted
into a studio.
MILA
From a janitor’s closet.
VANESSA

I’m not sure what the previous tenants used
it for.
CUT TO: A PRE-TAPE AT VANESSA’S OFFICE.
VANESSA
It was totally a janitor’s closet.
CUT TO: THE APARTMENT AS WE LEFT IT.
VANESSA
But it is amazing how many modern
conveniences they can fit into a space
such as this.
MILA
Such as?
VANESSA
Well, for example, many places this size
do not have a formal dining area.
VANESSA REACHES OVER AND UP PAST MILA TO GRAB A HANDLE BY A
MICROWAVE.
VANESSA (cont)
It of course features new appliances, such
as this microwave, which easily converts
into your dining area.
AS SHE OPENS THE DOOR, SHE REACHES ONTO A SMALL DRAWER BELOW THE
MICROWAVE AND GRABS TWO FORKS, HANDS ONE EACH TO PETE AND KEEPS
THE OTHER ONE FOR HERSELF. SHE THEN OPENS THE MICROWAVE, REACHES
IN AND STICKS IN THE FORK AND PRETENDS TO TAKE A BITE OF THE FOOD
SHE HAS PULLED OUT.
MILA
Wait, that is not a dining area.
VANESSA
(confidently)
Yes it is.
MILA
You expect us to eat our food directly out
of the microwave?
CUT TO: A PRE-TAPE OF VANESSA AT HER OFFICE ADDRESSING THE
CAMERA.
VANESSA
No I expect you to be rational and look
for a place within your means in say, I

don’t know, New Jersey.
CUT TO: THE APARTMENT AS WE LEFT IT.
PETE
Hey, you know how last week when we made
that bowl of chili at my dad’s place and
you burned your hand taking it out of
the microwave? That’s not a problem here.
PETE NOW STICKS HIS FORK INTO THE MICROWAVE AND PRETENDS TO TAKE
A BITE OF FOOD. MILA SHOOTS PETE A DIRTY LOOK AND PUSHES HIM,
WHICH SENDS HIM INTO VANESSA, WHICH IN REALITY BARELY MOVES
ANYONE.
VANESSA
I’m not saying it is ideal, but with
your budget of only $750 a month, this
is truly all you can afford.
MILA
This is only house number one. This
is House Hunters, we get to see House
number two and three yet.
CUT TO: A PRE-TAPE OF VANESSA BACK AT HER DESK.
VANESSA
So they want to see what else they can
afford?
VANESSA THROWS HER HEAD BACK AND LAUGHS.
VANESSA (cont)
Oh, I’ve got two more places for
them to take a look at.
CUT TO: MILA, VANESSA AND PETE ARE STANDING BY A DUMPSTER. THERE
IS A FIRE BURNING IN A BARREL AND THERE ARE A FEW BOXES PLACED
AROUND THEM.
MILA
I’m not sure I like the entry into this
building.
VANESSA
Oh we’re not going into the building.
PETE
What?
VANESSA
You’ve heard of SoHo right?

MILA AND PETE BOTH NOD THEIR HEADS
VANESSA (cont)
Well this is Hobo, and it certainly
has its advantages.
MILA
Such as?
VANESSA
Well rent comes in way under your
budget at just zero dollars per month,
and your utilities are, well they are
non-existent, but there is an association
fee.
PETE
Association fee?
A HOBO (BOBBY) WALKS INTO THE SCENE.
BOBBY
Yup, goes towards paying the heating bill.
BOBBY THROWS A BAG OF GARBAGE INTO THE FIRE. HE TURNS AWAY FROM
THEM AND WARMS HIMSELF BY THE FIRE AS THEY CONTINUE TO TALK.
VANESSA
There are actually a couple of different
models available here. We have the classic.
VANESSA WALKS OVER TO A CARDBOARD BOX.
VANESSA (cont)
The classic features an open floor plan with
plenty of natural lighting.
VANESSA NOW TURNS TOWARDS A DUMPSTER
VANESSA (cont)
Then there is an upgraded model available
if you are willing to spend a little more
each month. This is the bin.
A BACK DOOR OPENS AND TARAN, DRESSED AS A SHORT ORDER COOK,
STICKS HIS HEAD OUT.
TARAN
For $50 a month, I’ll make sure that my
guys use the other dumpster down the block
and that no one picks up your place, and
you know, dumps it.
VANESSA

Also featuring an open floor plan, the bin
doesn't offer as much natural light, but
certainly is a bit more protected from the
elements.
MILA
I’m not living in a dumpster.
PETE
So you like the classic better?

Me too.

MILA
I’m not living in a box either.
VANESSA
Looks like you guys have some things to discuss.
CUT TO: ART CARDS OF THE HOUSES THEY HAVE BEEN SHOWN WHILE THE
NARRATOR GOES OVER THEIR CHOICES.
ANNOUNCER (v.o.)
House number one is the most expensive of their
options, but also offers the most amenities
and indoor living. House number two is a modern
classic, but doesn’t have the locking door that
Amy is looking for. And house number three
features the open floor plan that Pete likes,
but can they get used to the climb up into the
place?
CUT TO: MILA AND PETE STANDING AT THE GREEN SCREEN, ONCE AGAIN ON
THE STREETS OF NEW YORK.
MILA
I’m not living in any of those places.
PETE
Hold on now, we need to talk about this.
MILA
There is nothing to talk about Rob, maybe
we should just keep living with your Dad.
PETE
I don’t think you’ve really thought about
all the benefits of house number two.
MILA
Benefits?
PETE
We’ll have more money to travel like we
talked about.

MILA WALKS AWAY.
PETE (cont)
I really liked house number two
CUT TO: COVER VIDEO OF NEW YORK CITY. THERE IS A DOORBELL SOUND
EFFECT AND THE CHYRON ON THE SCREEN SAYS ‘‘SIX WEEKS LATER’’
CUT TO: PETE, STANDING OUTSIDE OF THE CARDBOARD BOX.
PETE
So Amy left me. Said she couldn’t live
in a box. I was willing to take the
studio but she wouldn’t hear it. I don’t
think her heart was really in this move
to the city.
THE CAMERA ZOOMS OUT TO SHOW A HOBO FIRE IN A BARREL NEXT TO
PETE, WITH BOBBY AND JAY STANDING AROUND THE IT COOKING HOBO
PACKETS ON STICKS, DRINKING AND HAVING A GOOD TIME.
PETE
Slim and Creepy Jake are awesome. I’ve
learned so much since moving out on my
own into the world. Before this I barely
could cook, and now look at me. I’m really
happy here, this is city living at it’s
best.

WEEKEND UPDATE - NEWS (AUGUST 2015)
PHOTO OVER THE SHOULDER OF THE ANCHOR IS THE COVER OF VANITY FAIR
MAGAZINE.
ANCHOR
Rachel Dolezal, the white woman who passed
herself off as African-America told Vanity
Fair magazine that she didn’t device anyone.
SWITCH PHOTO TO A PICTURE OF RACHEL DOLEZAL.
ANCHOR
Yea, we know.
PICTURE OF THE CHRYSLER AUTO LOGO IN BOX OVER THE SHOULDER.
ANCHOR
Federal auto safety regulators are set to
fine Chrysler 105 million dollars for
mishandling auto recalls. While some money
will be recovered if they follow safety
guidelines in the future, the rest if expected
to be made up with sales of the news 2016
Dodge Dinero.
SWITCH PHOTO OVER SHOULDER TO A CHEAP, BEATEN DOWN, JUST TERRIBLE
LOOKING CAR.
ANCHOR
Which features absolutely no frills and an
incredibly high interest rate.
PHOTO OVER THE SHOULDER OF THE ANCHOR IS THAT OF A TEENAGE
COUPLE.
ANCHOR
The number of teens having sex is the lowest
it has been in 25 years according to the Center
for Disease Control. Most of the credit is being
given to AT&T’s new pro-sexting campaign, It Can
Wait.
SWITCH PHOTO TO A MODIFIED AT&T ‘‘IT CAN WAIT’’ LOGO THAT HAS A
SEXY GUY AND GIRL ADDED BEEHIND IT.
PHOTO OF LA CLIPPERS PLAYER JOSH SMITH IN BOX OVER SHOULDER.
ANCHOR
LA Clippers forward Josh Smith told the Detroit
Free Press this week that it will be hard for

his family to live on his new, lower contract, of
only 1.5 million dollar per season. While that
might seem like a lot of money to you or me, when
you break down his expenses, you can see how it
can be difficult.
REPLACE PHOTO OF SMITH WITH A PIE CHART OF HIS EXPENSES:
FAMILY, 37% TAXES, 60% FRIVOLOUS SPENDING

3%

PHOTO OF A FATHER WITH A YOUNG CHILD OVER THE SHOULDER OF THE
ANCHOR
ANCHOR
A new study shows that first time fathers tend
to gain an average of 4.4 pounds in the year
after their child is born.
SWITCH PHOTO TO A SHIRTLESS MAN WITH A POTBELLY HOLDING IT LIKE
HE IS PREGNANT.
ANCHOR
So we don’t want to hear about how much pain you
were in ladies.
PHOTO OF DONALD TRUMP OVER THE SHOULDER OF THE ANCHOR
ANCHOR
Donald Trump is the Republican front runner
According to a recent national telephone poll,
which leads to the question, is America absolutely
given up on itself?
PICTURE SWITCHES TO A PIZZA HUT LOGO AND A PHOTO OF THEIR NEW HOT
DOG CRUST PIZZA.

WEEKEND UPDATE - JEBADIAH ATKINSON (EXISTING CHARACTER)
MICHAEL
With the recent MTV Video Music Awards
nominations coming out, we thought we’d
ask 1860’s Newspaper critic Jebadiah Atkinson
to give us take on this year’s VMA nominees.
TARAN
Thank you Michael...so thrilled to be
back here once again.

MICHAEL
So have you been able to check out this
year's VMA nominees?
TARAN
I’ve not only seen this year’s nominees
Michael but I’ve watched every music video
since before MTV launched and polluted our
lives. And I think as usual, you’ll find
that my reviews, while sometimes harsh, are
more than fair and certainly qualify as
objective.
TARAN LOOKS DIRECTLY INTO THE CAMERA
TARAN (cont)
To call this year’s nominees rubbish is
an insult to rubbish Michael. Let’s start
with Video of the Year nominee, Taylor Swift’s
Bad Blood - more like just bad. If I wanted
to see an action packed cat fight I would
pay two ladies of the night to act it out
for me.
MICHAEL
Ladies of the night?
TARAN
Yes Michael. I believe they’re called pop
Stars now. Then there is Mark Ronson featuring
Bruno Mars in Uptown Funk. More like Mark Ronson being
carried by Bruno Mars. I haven’t seen a
white man take that much credit for something a
black man did since Thomas Jefferson proclaimed
his best cotton crop ever to James Madison.
TARAN (cont)
And what about Ed Sheeran’s Thinking Out
Loud. Allow me to think out loud for a minute
Ed. You want to know if she will love you
when the crowds don’t remember your name?
Wait and ask her in a couple of months.
MICHAEL
Well what about Walk the Moon’s Shut Up
and Dance? That was a fairly popular song.
TARAN
Yes, that song. They were victims of the night.
Meanwhile we’re all just the victims.
MICHAEL
Well there must be something you liked?

TARAN
I’ve never liked a music video Michael and by
the looks of it that won’t change anytime
soon. I’ve reviewed them all, and I even
brought with me a few classics from the
archives tonight.
Brittany Spears Hit My Baby One More Time. I
would but my father taught me to never hit a lady,
so actually I guess it would be alright. Next!
Gangam Style by Psy. Hey Kim Jong-un, want to make
friends in the western world? Take care of this
mess. Next!
Guns N’ Roses November Rain.
pain. Next!
MICHAEL
You don’t like anything?
Jackson?

More like I’m in

How about Michael

TARAN
Michael Jackson? You can’t be serious, are you
Michael? You know that glove wasn’t for
style, it was to hide his fingerprints. He was
accused so often of child molestation he wrote a
song about it. You know I’m bad? We know, I just
can’t believe no one else did. Billie Jean wasn’t
your lover? I figured, she wasn’t a 13 year old boy.
And now Michael I’ve come to the worst music video
of all time, Smells Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana.
Although I’m not sure I should read you this one
after the audience flew off the handle with Thomas
Jefferson joke.
MICHAEL
That’s probably a good...
TARAN
(Cutting off Michael)
Well I’m going to do it anyway Michael.
Nirvana’s Smells Like Teen Spirit.
TARAN SINGS THE NEXT LINE TO THE TUNE OF SMELLS LIKE TEEN SPIRIT.
TARAN
(singing)
Hello, hello, hello, hell no.
TARAN

Seattle might have given the world Starbucks
but that doesn’t make up for this. The word
Nirvana literally means blown out, which I
wonder if that was the last thing to go
through his mind...or the second to
last thing.
MICHAEL
1860’s newspaper critic Jebadiah Atkinson
everyone.

WEEKEND UPDATE - LOCKER ROOM GUY (ORIGINAL CHARACTER)
COLIN
Pete Rose was recently overwhelmingly voted
the biggest snub in Baseball Hall of Fame
history by fans online. Here to comment on
this is
COLIN’S VOICE TURNS MORE INTO A QUESTIONING TONE WHEN HE
INTRODUCED THE GUEST.
COLIN
The Guy Who’s Too Comfortable Being
Naked in the Locker Room?
A COMPLETELY NUDE TARAN KILLAN WALKS OUT. WHAT NEEDS TO BE
PIXELATED IS COVERED UP. HE HAS A TOWEL WITH HIM BUT IT IS OVER
HIS SHOULDER INSTEAD OF AROUND HIS WAIST. HE WALKS OUT AND SITS
IN A CHAIR NEXT TO COLIN.
TARAN
Hey Colin, glad I could join you here tonight.
COLIN
(unsure of himself)
Well thanks for being here...I guess.
AS TARAN STARTS TO DELILVER HIS NEXT LINES, COLIN LOOKS INTO THE
CAMERA WITH A QUESTIONING LOOK, LIKE HE IS TRYING TO GET THE
ATTENTION OF THE DIRECTOR.
TARAN
Look, what Pete Rose did on the field is what
should matter. So he made a few mistakes off
the field, is that unforgiveable?
COLIN
You really are completely nude.
TARAN
Exactly. I mean, if gambling effected his game
play, it was probably for the better. You don’t
earn that many M-L-B records by throwing games.
COLIN
I see you have a towel with you.
TARAN
Yeah, so? I figured the lights out
here might be a little hot?
TARAN TAKES THE TOWEL AND PATS HIS FOREHEAD, PLACING IT BACK ON
HIS SHOULDER.

COLIN
Maybe you could, I don’t know, wrap
it around your waist?
TARAN
(standing up)
What does this bother you?
COLIN
A little bit, yes. And we are on TV
too you know.
TARAN
What do I turn you on?
COLIN
What? No. I mean, not that there’s anything
wrong with that, but god no.
TARAN
(sitting back down)
Relax Jostee, I’m kidding with you. You’re too
uptight. You need to be more free like me.
COLIN
So let’s get back to the topic at hand.
TARAN
Right, Pete Rose. No way does he deserve to
not be in the Hall of Fame. You ever see him
play?
COLIN
Well I was born in 1982 and he retired in
TARAN
Eighty-six, ah you young kids.
TARAN STANDS UP AND PUNCHES COLIN IN THE ARM AS HE WALKS BEHIND
HIM AND IN FRONT OF THE DESK, STILL COMPLETELY NUDE.
TARAN (cont)
So you never seen his batting stance. Oh
he had perfect form. You don’t lead the
league in hits some almost 30 years later
without perfect form.
AS TARAN STARTS TO EXPLAIN WHY ROSE’S STANCE WAS SO PERFECT, HE
ACTS OUT EVERYTHING IN AN OVER DRAMATIC FASHION, WHILE COMPLETELY
NUDE OF COURSE.
TARAN (cont)
See he would stand at the plate, feet spread perfectly
apart, holding the bat just right.

HE TAKES HIS PRETEND BAT AND TAPS IT ON THE PRETEND HOME PLATE,
TURNS UP AND STARES RIGHT AT COLLIN.
TARAN (cont)
and then the pitch would come hurling towards
the plate, he’d swing...
TARAN SWINGS HARD AND ‘‘CRUSHES THE BALL’’ TOWARDS THE ANCHOR
DESK
TARAN (cont)
And when he connected it was at least a single
every time.
MICHAEL
But what about Barry Bonds? Don’t you
think he is just as big of a snub?
COLIN
Why are you encouraging him?
TARAN
Bonds?
TARAN WALKS TOWARDS MICHAEL, THROWING HIS ARMS IN THE AIR. HE
GETS RIGHT NEXT TO THE ANCHOR DESK AND LEANS OVER AND STARTS
TALKING TO MICHAEL, WITH HIS BUTT SORT OF IN THE AIR TOWARDS
COLIN, WHO REACTS ACCORDINGLY.
TARAN
Are you kidding me? Bonds? He was a juicer.
Pete was all natural. You use the juice
and it isn’t fair. That stuff’s bad,
causes the boys to shrivel up. I’ve
never touched the stuff, see?
TARAN STANDS BACK UP STRAIGHT, GESTURES TOWARDS HIMSELF. COLIN
AND MICHAEL BOTH INSTINCTIVELY LOOK TOWARDS HIM AND QUICKLY TURN
THEIR HEADS AWAY.
COLIN
Alright do you have anything else to add?
TARAN
No I think it got it all out there.
TARAN STRETCHES AND PUTS HIS LEG UP ON THE DESK IN FRONT OF
COLIN.
COLIN
The Guy who is Too Comfortable Being Naked
in the Locker Room everyone.

FAMILY SKETCH - THE TEACHERS
OPEN ON: A LIVING ROOM OF A HOUSE. TYPICAL LOOKING. COUCH,
TABLE, CHAIR. THE DINNER TABLE IS RIGHT NEXT TO IT IN THE ROOM
AS WELL. THERE ARE SMALL LOCKERS AGAINST THE WALL BY THE DOOR.
A DAD (TARAN) IS SITTING IN HIS CHAIR AND MOM (VANESSA) IS
SETTING THE TABLE. ONE OF THEIR KIDS (KYLE) IS ON THE COUCH.
THE DOORBELL RINGS.
TARAN
Oh good that must be Andy and his new
girlfriend.
TARAN GETS UP, WALKS OVER TO THE DOOR AND OPENS IT. ANDY (PETE)
AND APRIL (MILA) WALK IN. TARAN REACHES OUT AND PULLS PETE IN
FOR A HUG.
TARAN (cont)
Andy good to see you. This must be April.
Yup, Dad.
April.

PETE
Everyone, this is my girlfriend

VANESSA WALKS OVER AND SHAKES HER HAND.
VANESSA
So nice to meet you. I’m Mrs. O’Mally.
Why don’t you guys take off your coats.
BOTH PETE AND MILA TAKE OFF THEIR COATS, PETE GRABS THEM AND
WALKS OVER TO THE WALL WHERE THEY ARE LOCKERS.
PETE
April sweetie I’ll just put your coat
in my locker.
PETE OPENS HIS LOCKER AND HANGS UP THE COATS. MILA WALKS OVER AND
LOOKS AT WHAT HE IS DOING.
MILA
Your family has lockers?
PETE
Yea, everyone is my family is a school teacher,
so I guess they just brought the work home
with them. It’s no big deal.
PETE CLOSES THE LOCKER DOOR, AND THEY BOTH WALK OVER TO THE
COUCHES AND SIT DOWN.
TARAN
So Pete tells me you and your mother own
a restaurant in the city?

We do.

MILA
Me and my mom...

TARAN
(cutting her off)
My mother and I dear.
MILA
Sorry, my mother and I have been there for
about three years now.
TARAN
That’s fantastic.
A SCHOOL BELL CHIMES IN THE BACKGROUND. EVERYONE INSTICTIVELY
STANDS UP EXCEPT FOR MILA AND STARTS HEADING TO THE TABLE.
PETE
Oh sorry, that’s the bell.

Time for dinner.

MILA LOOKS AT PETE A BIT CONFUSED, BUT STANDS UP AND HEADS OVER
TO THE TABLE. KYLE, WHO HAS ALSO STOOD UP, WALKS TOWARDS THE
TABLE BUT THEN KEEPS GOING.
VANESSA
And where are you going?
KYLE
To the bathroom.
VANESSA JUST STARES AT KYLE. IT ‘‘HITS’’ HIM AND HE DROPS HIS
HEAD A LITTLE LOWER BEFORE SPEAKING AGAIN.
I’m sorry.

KYLE (cont)
Can I use the washroom?

TARAN
I don’t know, can you?
TARAN LAUGHS AT HIS OWN JOKE HARD, BUT NO ONE ELSE REALLY FINDS
IT FUNNY.
KYLE
May I?
VANESSA
Yes dear, just grab the pass.
KYLE REACHES OVER TO THE COFFEE TABLE AND PICKS UP A LARGE WOODEN
PLANK THAT HAS IN BIG BLOCK LETTERS ON IT THE WORD PASS. HE
WALKS OFF THE SET. AS HE DOES THIS, EVERYONE ELSE SITS DOWN AT
THE TABLE.

PETE
Can I grab you a drink April?
MILA
Sure, thanks.
PETE STANDS UP AND WALKS OVER TO A CRATE BY THE TABLE.
PETE
Chocolate or White?
MILA
What?
PETE
Chocolate or White Milk?
MILA
Oh, I’ll have chocolate I guess.
PETE GRABS TWO CHOCOLATE MILK CARTONS AND RETURNS TO THE TABLE.
HE SETS IT DOWN IN FRONT OF MILA AND ALMOST IMMEDIATELY IT IS
PICKED BACK UP BY VANESSA. SHE BEGINS TO OPEN IT.
VANESSA
Let me get that for you dear.
VANESSA OPENS THE CARTON AND SETS IT DOWN. PETE MEANWHILE IS
WAITING PATIENTLY FOR HER TO OPEN HIS, WHICH SHE DOES AS SOON AS
SHE SETS DOWN MILA’S.
VANESSA
Would you like a straw dear?
MILA
I’m okay.
VANESSA JUST STARES AT MILA AFTER SHE GIVES HER ANSWER.
MILA
I mean no thank you?
VANESSA SMILES AND FINISHES OPENING PETE’S MILK.
TARAN
So April, where did you meet our boy?
KYLE WALKS BACK IN AND JOINS THE GROUP AT THE TABLE.
MILA
He came into our restaurant with his boss
and he caught my attention right away with
his cute smile.

AS MILA SAYS THAT, PETE IS LOOKING AT HER, CHEWING HIS FOOD, AND
HE BITES HIS CHEEK AND REACTS ACCORDINGLY.
PETE
Damn it.
PETE BRINGS NAPKINS UP TO HIS MOUTH.
MILA
Oh Andy are you alright?
PETE
Man, that really hurt. Yea I just
bit my cheek.
VANESSA STANDS UP AND WALKS OVER TO PETE.
VANESSA
Oh dear, are you alright? Should we send
you to nurse?
MILA
You have a nurse?
PETE
No, it’s alright. It’s not that bad,
just caught me off guard that’s all.
TARAN
You’re sure you’re alright son?
PETE
Yes Dad, thanks I’m fine.
TARAN
Good, because now we have to talk about
your punishment.
MILA
His punishment?
KYLE
Andy’s getting in trouble, Andy’s getting
in trouble.
TARAN
Do you want to be next?
KYLE PUTS HIS HEAD DOWN AND GOES BACK TO EATING.
PETE
Dad, not in front of April.
TARAN
You should have thought about that before

you broke the rules.
choice.

I’m afraid I have no

TARAN REACHES TO THE TABLE BEHIND HIM AND GRABS A BOOK.
THROUGH IT, STOPS ON A PAGE AND HANDS IT TO PETE.

HE FLIPS

TARAN (cont)
What does it say on page 14?
PETE
I know what it says Dad.
TARAN
Why don’t you read it out loud so everyone
can hear it.
PETE
Anyone caught using profane language in the
hallways, classrooms or common areas shall be
subject to a detention upon their first offense.
AS PETE IS READING THIS OUT LOUD, VANESSA HAS TAKEN HIS PLATE AND
STARTED PUTTING MORE FOOD ON IT.
TARAN
That’s right. This certainly isn’t your
first offense, but it’s been awhile so
let’s call it number one.
TARAN HAS A SLIP OF PAPER IN HIS HAND AND HE IS WRITING ON IT.
IT’S PETE’S DETENTION FORM.
TARAN (cont)
I see Mrs. O’Mally has finished making your
plate, so why don’t you take it and finish
dinner up in your room.
MILA
You’re sending him to his room?
TARAN
Yes Ma’am.
TARAN RIPS THE TOP COPY OF, FOLDS IT AND PLACES IT IN HIS SHIRT
POCKET. HE HANDS PETE THE BOTTOM COPY.
MILA
He’s 26 years old?
TARAN
Rules are rules young lady. He’s well
aware of the O’Mally Family Handbook.
He knew the consequences.
MILA

This is crazy.
PETE IS STANDING UP GRABBING HIS PLATE.
PETE
It’s my fault.

Let it go sweetie.

MILA
You shouldn’t be sent to your room at
26 years old. Our night shouldn’t be over
because you said...
PETE
(cutting her off)
Shhh...don’t say it.
TARAN
And besides, you’re night isn’t over,
you're welcome to stay April.
It will be fine.
you tomorrow?

PETE
It’s fine.

I’ll call

MILA STANDS UP AND GIVES PETE A KISS.
VANESSA
Oh dear.
PETE
Oh crap.
KYLE
April’s getting in trouble, April’s getting
in trouble.
VANESSA
That’s enough out of you.
PETE SETS HIS PLATE DOWN AND PICKS UP THE HANDBOOK AND STARTS
FLIPPING THROUGH THE PAGES.
MILA
What did I do?
PETE
Public displays of affection are not allowed
in the common areas.
MILA
This is insane.

TARAN IS WRITING UP ANOTHER DETENTION FORM.
TARAN
Rules are rules young lady.
MILA
What, are you going to send me to Pete’s
room?
TARAN
Sarcasm won’t do you any favors.
MILA
Well damn it then what should I say?
TARAN AND MILA STARE AT EACH OTHER.
TARAN
I know you just didn’t say that?
MILA
I sure as hell did.
TARAN
You’re a rebel young lady.
MILA
Damn straight.
VANESSA STANDS UP AND PICKS UP THE PHONE AND MAKES A CALL.
PETE
Please stop, maybe it’s not too late.
Oh it’s too late.

TARAN
You’re expelled April.
MILA

Expelled?
TARAN
That’s right. Grab your things.
have security escort you out.

I’ll

MILA
Andy drove me here, how am I suppose to
get home?
VANESSA MOVES THE PHONE TO THE SIDE.

VANESSA

I’m on the phone with your mother right
now dear.
VANESSA MOVES THE PHONE BACK AND CONTINUES HER CONVERSATION.
MILA
My mother? I’m 28! And how did you get
her number?
PETE
I gave it to them when I registered you.
TARAN
Andy, that’s enough from you. Say goodbye
to your friend and head to detention.
PETE IS WALKING TOWARDS TO THE DOOR WITH MILA. TARAN IS
FOLLOWING BEHIND THEM. THEY GET TO THE LOCKERS AND TARAN GRABS
MILA’S COAT AND HANDS IT TO HER.
PETE
Sorry it had to end this way.
MILA
Not as sorry as I am. You’re all damn crazy.
MILA OPENS THE DOOR AND WALKS OUT, SLAMMING IT BEHIND HER.
TARAN
You have always liked the troubled ones.
VANESSA WALKS OVER AND JOINS THEM.
VANESSA
You’re a good boy Andy. She’s not the one
for you. Now off to detention.
PETE
Yes Mrs. O’Mally.
PETE WALKS AWAY.

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