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COLD OPEN

OPEN ON: A BAKERY COUNTER SOMEWHERE IN MIDDLE AMERICA. A COUPLE (JAY AND TARAN) ARE LOOKING AT ITEMS BEHIND THE GLASS WHEN THE OWNER (AIDY) WALKS OUT. ANOTHER WOMAN (CECILY) IS STANDING NEARBY AS WELL.

AIDY Hey guys welcome to Taste of Heaven

JAY

Thanks a lot.

TARAN We just love your bakery.

AIDY Well thanks so much that’s so sweet of you. Here, try one of our new key lime pie cookies.

TARAN

Aww thank you so much.

JAY We were wondering whether or not you bake wedding cakes? We’ve had pretty much everything else you make and it’s all just so wonderful.

That’s so sweet of you.

AIDY

Why of course we do.

TARAN Perfect. This is the last thing we need to take care of.

JAY Agreed. Let’s order it right now.

AIDY Well you guys certainly know what you want.

SHE GRABS A CLIPBOARD AND A PEN.

AIDY (cont) Let’s see, when will you need the cake for?

JAY Saturday, August first.

AIDY Well that is coming up quick.

JAY

Sorry for the short notice.

TARAN Now that everything is legal and all we just couldn’t wait.

Legal?

AIDY

JAY AND TARAN TURN AND SMILE AT EACH OTHER AND SHARE A QUICK KISS.

JAY Yup. You’ve seen the Facebook profile pictures I’m sure all rainbowed up.

 

TARAN

Love wins!

 

AIDY

Oh no.

 

TARAN

Excuse me?

 

AIDY

No.

AIDY TEARS UP THE ORDER FORM

 

AIDY (cont)

I am evoking my religious right to say no to this abomination.

Abomination?

JAY

TARAN We just want to get married and celebrate with your delicious cake.

AIDY

No no no.

a wedding cake.

JAY You could just give it to us then.

As a Christian I cannot sell you

TARAN AND JAY CHUCKLE AT THE IDEA. AIDY IS DISGUSTED.

CECILY

Wait, I can still get my divorce cake here,

right?

AIDY

Of course dear.

TARAN Hold on. I think it’s rather crazy that you are refusing to make us a cake, a cake celebrating love, but you’ll make one for the end of her marriage?

AIDY Well that is my right and you can’t make me. In fact, give me back my cookie as well.

TARAN LOOKS AT THE COOKIE, THEN A JAY, WHO MOTIONS TO HAND IT BACK TO HER. HE RELUCTANTLY HANDS IT OVER.

TARAN

I didn’t even get to try it.

AIDY Good because I don’t even want you to have my free cookies.

JAY Honey he’s not interested in your cookies.

TARAN Stop it. You guys are gross. You’re grossing me out.

CECILY

I think they are adorable.

AIDY Well you think wrong. You’re all wrong.

JAY More importantly, it’s just not good business to send customers away.

AIDY

I don’t care. I’d rather eat the profits then serve you two.

AIDY SHOVELS THE WHOLE COOKIE INTO HER MOUTH, CRUMBS FLYING ALL OVER.

AIDY (cont) (with a mouthful of cookie) I’d rather go out of business before

AIDY STARTS COUGHING AND CHOKING ON THE COOKIE. SHE IS THROWING HER ARMS AROUND HER NECK LOOKING AT JAY, TARAN AND CECILY FOR HELP.

CECILY Oh my god I think she is choking.

TARAN

Sure looks like it.

CECILY Do either of you guys know the Heimlich maneuver?

I do.

JAY

AIDY RUNS OUT FROM BEHIND THE COUNTER AND UP TO JAY, HER ARMS FLYING ALL AROUND, HER CHEEKS FULL OF COOKIE THAT IS FALLING OUT OF HER MOUTH AND ONTO THE FLOOR.

CECILY Well what are you waiting for?

JAY It’s just that it is my right

Me? Oh nothing.

to decide who I get to perform the maneuver on.

TARAN Aren’t you being just a little extreme sweetie?

JAY (almost crying) She offended me and took away your cookie babe.

TARAN If my soon to be husband, whether you like it or not, saves your life, can we have all of the cookies?

AIDY FRANTICALLY SHAKES HER HEAD YES. SHE IS CLEARLY STARTING TO PANIC.

JAY But if I just wait for her to die I could have all of the cookies anyway.

CECILY That’s terrible.

JAY I’m only kidding

feel so good to be discriminated against does it.

mostly.

Doesn’t

AIDY SHAKES HER HEAD NO VIOLENTLY AND IS MAKING A ‘‘BEGGING’’ SIGN WITH HER HANDS AS SHE STARES AT JAY.

JAY (cont) Lucky for you I took an oath that day at CPR to do all I can to help anyone who was in trouble. Even racists, bigots and bad dressers.

JAY PULLS AIDY IN AGAINST HIM AND STARTS THE HEIMLICH MANEUVER ON HER. AFTER A COUPLE OF TRIES THE REST OF THE COOKIE COMES FLYING OUT. AIDY IS OUT OF BREATH AND FALLS TO THE FLOOR AND OUT OF THE SHOT.

TARAN

There you go.

(motioning to the cookies on the floor)

You’re going to want to clean all that up. Pretty sure that’s against some health code or something.

JAY WALKS BEHIND THE COUNTER, WHICH AIDY IS NOW CLIMBING UP OFF OF THE FLOOR HOLDING ON TO AND PULLING HERSELF UP. HE REACHES IN THE DISPLAY AND PULLS OUT THE ENTIRE TRAY OF COOKIES.

JAY We’ll be taking these.

TARAN, JAY, CECILY & AIDY And live from New York it’s Saturday Night.

MONOLOGUE -- MILA KUNIS (HOMEBASE)

OPEN ON: SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE HOUSE BAND PLAYING.

DARREL (O.C.)

Ladies and gentlemen

Mila Kunis

DOOR OPENS AND MILA KUNIS WALKS THROUGH THE DOOR AND ONTO THE STAGE

MILA Thank you so much, I’m so excited to here hosting Saturday Night Live for my very first time! This is such a change from what I usually do. While I’ve been on the screen of course in films like Annie and Ted, mostly I’m not seen at all as I hang out behind the scenes voicing characters on Family Guy, Robot Chicken and coming soon as Deema in Hell and Back, which is a new film where two best friends have to go hell to rescue a friend who’s accidently been dragged there. Makes me wonder, would anyone go to hell for me?

PETE COMES FLYING ONTO THE STAGE

PETE (out of breath)

Without a doubt Mila. Whoa, got to give me

a minute here.

I ran out here pretty fast

PETE LEANS OVER, HANDS ON HIS KNEES, BREATHING HEAVILY. TARAN COMES RUNNING OUT NEXT AND BUMPS PETE OUT OF THE WAY.

TARAN Look Mila, Pete’s a good guy and all, but I seriously doubt that if you were stuck in the fiery pits of the underworld you’d want him to come to your rescue. He’s not exactly in great shape as you can see.

JAY STROLLS CAUSUALLY STROLLS ONTO THE STAGE AND POLITELY MOVES BOTH PETE AND TARAN BACK IN A VERY SMOOTH MANNER

JAY Here’s the deal Mila. Pete’s wildly out of shape, especially for a man his age. Taran would be a fine choice if you were only choosing between Pete and him. But when you add me to the mix, now it’s a whole new

ballgame. I’m the one you want by your side.

PETE, TARAN AND JAY NOW BEGIN TO ARGUE AMONG THEMSELVES AS TO WHO WOULD BE THE BEST CHOICE TO RESCUE MILA FROM HELL. MILA INTRERUPTS THEM

MILA

Hold on guys, I was just wondering if anyone

would go to hell for me.

turn into a competition or anything.

JAY It isn’t a competition Mila.

TARAN Says Jay, the guy who’s still scared of the Dark.

PETE Wait Jay’s scared of the dark?

I didn’t want it to

TARAN

Lights guys.

THE HOUSE GOES DARK. JAY SHRIEKS AND SCREAMS.

JAY Turn them back on!

THE LIGHTS COME BACK ON. JAY IS SITTING ON THE FLOOR, CURLED INTO A BALL ROCKING BACK AND FORTH.

MILA You’re a grown man Jay. But guys it doesn’t matter I don’t think I’ll be stuck in hell anytime soon.

TARAN

Well Mila I’d do anything for you. Rescue you

from hell, slap Pete.

You want me to slap Pete?

TARAN REACHS BACK AND SLAPS PETE ACROSS THE FACE, KNOCKING HIM DOWN. JAY IS STANDING BACK UP AS PETE IS KNOCKED DOWN.

PETE (O.C.) What the heck Taran?

TARAN I’ll do it again. you too.

I can slap Jay for

Jay I wouldn’t try it.

TARAN REACHES BACK TO SLAP JAY AND JAY DUCKS, STANDS BACK UP AND PUNCHES TARAN IN THE STOMACH, SENDING HIM TO THE GROUND.

MILA

Oh my God guys.

JAY See that’s not who you need on your side in hell. Plus with all the fire and stuff I’m sure it’s plenty light down there.

MILA I’m not going to hell. It was just a hypothetical question.

DURING JAY AND MILA’S SHORT CONVERSATION, PETE AND TARAN HAVE GOTTEN BACK UP AND ARE STANDING BY JAY.

MILA (cont) But, I have to admit, that even though I’m happily married, it is sort of nice to have you guys fighting over me. You know what I could go for right now? I would be so happy if someone brought me back one of those waffles from the truck that parks in Greenwich Village? That would be just awesome.

MILA SMILES AT THE GUYS. AFTER A BEAT, TARAN AND JAY PUSH PETE OVER AND BOOK IT OFF STAGE. PETE POPS BACK UP FAIRLY QUICKLY.

PETE I’m not saying those guys are jerks, but seriously, those guys are jerks.

PETE RUNS OFF STAGE AS WELL.

MILA I’m not kidding. Have you guys had those waffles? They are excellent. We have a great show for you this evening. Stick around!

CUT TO:

DOOR AND START RUNNING DOWN THE STREET. PETE WALKS OUT AND HEADS

OVER TO A NYPD POLICE OFFICER AND TALKS INTO HIS EAR. HE SPRINTS

TO HIS CAR AND PETE FOLLOWS.

SIRENS AND LIGHTS BLARING AS THEY DRIVE AWAY.

OUTSIDE OF 30 ROCK, TARAN AND JAY COME FLYING OUT THE

THEY BOTH GET IT AND HE PEELS OUT,

OPENING MONOLOGUE -- MILA KUNIS (BACKSTAGE)

OPEN ON: HOUSE BAND AS MILA KUNIS ENTERS THE STAGE

MILA Thank you. Thank you very much. I’m so excited

to be here finally hosting Saturday Night Live.

The thought of hosting this iconic show has truly

terrified me, and in fact, if I am being honest, I

am still more than a little nervous to be up here,

but everyone has been so supportive this week…

PETE ENTERS THE STAGE. HE IS GIGGLING AND HAVING A HARD TIME WALKING STRAIGHT

MILA (cont) Pete, what are you doing? Are you laughing at me?

What?

I assume you are.

the show yet.

No, no, no

PETE

you’re

doing great. Or at least

I really haven’t seen any of

PETE STARTS TO WALK PAST MILA, ALMOST BUMPING INTO HER. SHE REACHES OUT AND GRABS HIM TO STOP HIM.

MILA Well it just started. Wait, then why are you laughing?

PETE

Am I?

MILA You’re giggling like a kid who’s hiding something?

I was?

PETE Who’s hiding anything? What do I have to hide?

Nothing is going on backstage.

MILA

So something’s happening backstage huh? They’re not watching me either are they?

PETE

Damn she’s good. How’d you figure it out?

MILA

This is ridiculous. Everyone knows how nervous I

am and no one is even bothering to be supportive? I’m

going back there. They’ll be sorry.

PETE WOBBLY STEPS IN FRONT OF MILA TO TRY AND STOP HER FROM GOING BACKSTAGE.

PETE

It’s probably best you don’t actually go back

there.

Oh shut up.

MILA

MILA PUSHES PETE OVER AND WALKS OFF STAGE. PETE IS NOW ON THE FLOOR GIGGLING HARDER THAN BEFORE.

PETE (O.C.) I think she may have broke my clavicle. Man,

that's a funny word. Clavicile. Claaavvvicle.

CUT TO: MILA IS WALKING AROUND BACKSTAGE. TV SCREENS ARE ALL ON SHOWING THE STAGE BUT THE HALLWAYS ARE A GHOSTTOWN. NO ONE IS TO BE FOUND.

MILA

What the hell? All week everyone is like,

oh Mila, you’ll do great, we’re all here for

you, blah blah blah and lies lies lies. And

now no one is here.

AS SHE CONTINUES TO MOVE ABOUT BACKSTAGE, SHE SPOTS A DOOR WITH SMOKE COMING OUT FROM UNDERNEATH IT.

CUT TO: A DARKENED SMOKE FILLED ROOM. SITTING AROUND A TABLE ARE CECILY, KENAN, ASHTON KUTCHER, DANNY MASTERSON, WILMA VALDERAMA, AND LAURA PREPON. THEY ARE SITTING AROUND SMOKING POT, ALA THAT 70’S SHOW STYLE.

CECILY

Was Mila this needy on That 70’s Show?

SWING CAMERA TO THE LEFT TO LAURA.

LAURA

Oh god yes. It was always, I need this, I want

that. She didn’t have to reach too far to

play Jackie.

SWING CAMERA TO THE LEFT TO KENAN.

KENAN

You know black people were pretty popular

in the 70s, yet there is never one on that

show.

SWING CAMERA TO THE RIGHT BACK TO LAURA.

LAURA

I think we had one…once.

SWING CAMERA TO THE RIGHT TO CECILY.

CECILY

I’ve always thought I sort of look like

Mila.

SWING CAMERA TO THE RIGHT TO ASHTON.

ASHTON

I’d have to see you naked to really judge.

SWING CAMERA TO THE LEFT TO CECILY.

CECILY

Ew, Ashton.

SWING CAMERA TO THE RIGHT TO ASHTON.

ASTON

Well at least topless. Look I wouldn’t really

enjoy it.

SWING CAMERA TO THE RIGHT TO DANNY AND WILMA SITTING TOGETHER.

DANNY

I’d enjoy it.

WILMA

Yes, I would enjoy it very much.

SWING CAMERA TO THE LEFT, PAST ASHTON WHO IS SMILING, PAST CECILY WHO LOOKS CONCERNED, TO LAURA.

LAURA

You guys are gross. And clearly Cecily’s

boobs are way bigger

SWING CAMERA TO THE RIGHT TO CECILY, WHO IS SMILING LOOKING DOWN AT HER CHEST.

SWING CAMERA TO THE RIGHT TO ASHTON, WHO IS SMILING WIDELY. THEN TO DANNY AND WILMA WHO ARE BOTH STARRING STRAIGHT AHEAD AT CECILY. DANNY IS NODDING HIS HEAD AND SMILING. WILMA LOOKS GIDDY.

SWING CAMERA TO THE RIGHT TO KENAN.

KENAN

Would it have killed them to included just

one black guy?

CUT TO:

OPENING IT UP. LIGHT FLOODS THE ROOM AS SMOKE POURS OUT. MILA

WALKS IN AND FLIPS THE OVERHEAD LIGHTS ON.

MILA, OUTSIDE OF THE DOOR IN THE HALLWAY AS SHE IS

MILA

Oh my god, are you guys sitting around smoking

pot instead of watching my monologue?

LAURA

Mila relax, we’re watching it.

CUT TO: KENAN LOOKING AT A TV SCREEN THAT HAS THAT 70’S SHOW ON IT THAT HE IS WATCHING IN FAST-FORWARD.

KENAN I’m half-way through season six and no black

guys yet.

ASHTON

Look sweetie, you’re too tense about this

whole thing? Why don’t you join us.

MILA, STILL ANGRY, WALKS OVER AND STARTS TO SIT DOWN.

CUT TO: DARK, SMOKE FILLED ROOM ONCE AGAIN. SHOT OPENS ON CECILY AND MILA SITTING TOGETHER.

CECILY

We could be twins.

MILA

We could totally be twins.

MILA AND CECILY START MAKING THE SAME FACES INTO THE CAMERA.

CUT TO: KENAN, WHO IS PUTTING DOWN A REMOTE ON THE TABLE.

KENAN

Well that does it.

episode. Not a black guy to be found.

I went through every

SWING CAMERA TO THE RIGHT TO DANNY AND WILMA.

DANNY

Hey Mila, shouldn’t you go and finish the monologue?

CUT TO: MILA AND CECILY WHO ARE STILL MAKING FACES. WHAT DANNY SAID HITS MILA AND SHE PUSHES HER CHAIR BACK AND STANDS UP.

MILA

Holy crap the monologue!

MILA RUNS OUT OF THE SHOT. CECILY IS STILL MAKING FACES INTO THE CAMERA.

CUT TO: DANNY AND WILMA STILL SITTING TOGETHER. WILMA

Lorne is not going to be happy.

CUT TO:

WAS SITTING. CECILY IS STILL MAKING FACES INTO THE CAMERA.

LORNE, WHO IS NOW IN THE CHAIR NEXT TO CECILY WHERE MILA

LORNE

Don’t tell me how to feel.

LORNE JOINS CECILY AND STARTS MAKING FACES INTO THE CAMERA AS WELL.

CUT TO: THE MAIN STAGE WHERE MILA HAS JUST FINISHED RUNNING UP.

MILA

We have a great show for you tonight. Stick

around!

ADVERTISEMENT - BARNES AND NOBLE (LIVE)

OPEN ON: THE INTERIOR OF A BOOKSTORE (A COUPLE OF SHELVES OF BOOKS WILL DO WITH A GREEN SCREEN BEHIND IT OF A BARNES AND NOBLE STORE) WITH THE COMPANY CEO MICHAEL P. HUSEBY (BECK) STANDING IN FRONT OF THE SHELVES.

BECK My name is Michael P. Huseby and I’m proud to be the CEO of Barnes and Noble Booksellers. When I took over this post in January 2014, our sales were down thanks to competition from Amazon and other online retailors. But I’m here today to remind you that buying and reading books the old fashion way is actually much simpler than going online and downloading an e-book.

BECK WALKS OVER TO THE BOOKSELF BEHIND HIM.

BECK (cont) It’s really just a three step process. Step one, pick out your book. Step two, walk over to the check out counter. Step three, pay and take your book home that day, right then and there. Simple as that.

BECK IS FULL OF SMILES AND CHEER. HE TRULY BELIEVES THAT THE

COMPANY IS GOING TO MAKE IT AT THIS POINT.

OVER AND UP TO BECK HOLDING A BOOK AND AN IPAD.

CUSTOMER # 1 WALKS

CUSTOMER # 1 But how do you get this onto my iPad?

BECK You don’t, you actually read the book right here on the book itself.

CUSTOMER # 1 GIVES A ‘‘GOT IT’’ LOOK TO BECK AND READS THE COVER. HE THEN TAKES HIS FINGER AND SWIPES IT FROM RIGHT TO LEFT IN AN EFFORT TO TURN THE PAGE. HE TRIES AGAIN AND LOOKS UP AT BECK CONFUSED.

BECK GRABS THE BOOK FROM CUSTOMER # 1 AND STARTS FLIPPING THROUGH THE PAGES WITH HIM.

No, no, no.

BECK

No swiping.

Just turn the pages.

CUSTOMER #1 STARTS TO DO IT HIMSELF, AS IF HE HAS NEVER SEEN A BOOK BEFORE IN HIS LIFE. HE IS NERVOUS AND UNSURE OF HIMSELF AS

HE FLIPS THROUGH THE PAGES. HE CONTINUES DOING IT AS HE WALKS OFF STAGE AND CUSTOMER # 2 ENTERS HOLDING ANOTHER BOOK.

CUSTOMER # 2 So where do I plug it in?

BECK It actually doesn’t require power at all.

CUSTOMER # 3 WALKS UP AND JOINS CUSTOMER # 2.

CUSTOMER # 3 So it has a battery then?

BECK No, no battery. No anything but beautiful paper pages to read through.

CUSTOMER # 2 AND # 3 LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND THEN AT THE BOOKS. THEY ARE VERY CONFUSED. THEY WALK AWAY AS BECK STEPS BACK TOWARDS THE CAMERA.

BECK (cont) It’s hard to believe it can be this simple right?

CUT TO: PRE-TAPE OF A PERSON SITTING AT A COMPUTER SURFING THE INTERNET. AS BECK TALKS HE GOES THROUGH THE PROCESS OF ORDERING A BOOK THAT QUICKLY AND HE GETS UP AND WALKS AWAY FROM THE COMPUTER.

BECK (cont) (VO) When you go online to download the latest novel from your favorite writer, or that cookbook you know your Mom has been longing for, you can’t hold the book, page through it. Sometimes you can’t even look inside it before you buy it.

CUT TO: BECK BACK IN FRONT OF THE SHELVES STANDING NEXT TO CUSTOMER # 4

BECK (cont) But at Barnes and Noble, you can

CUSTOMER # 4 CUTS BECK OFF

CUSTOMER # 4

Wait, wait wait.

you to say all that I could have downloaded the book, plus I wouldn’t have to drive

here or put on pants.

thing even remember where I was when I get tired of reading and need to take a

In the time it took

And, how does this

break?

BECK That’s why we give you one of these.

HANDS CUSTOMER #4 A BOOKMARK. HE TAKES IT CAUTIOUSLY, LOOKING AT IT WITH A CONFUSED LOOK ON HIS FACE. BECK’S DEMEANOR IS STARTING TO CHANGE FROM CHIPPER AND HAPPY TO SLIGHTLY FRUSTRATED.

BECK (cont) Just stick it in the page

where you left off and then next time, pick back up right there.

It’s a bookmark.

CUSTOMER #4 I don’t know, seems like a lot of work.

CUSTOMER # 5 WALKS INTO THE SCENE.

CUSTOMER # 5 (talking to the book) Please define the word maestro

BECK Are you talking to the book?

CUSTOMER # 4 That’s pretty cool, you can talk right to it just like my iPad.

BECK

No, you can’t actually. There are no apps

on the book.

It’s just a book.

BECK REACHES ONTO THE SHELF BEHIND HIM AND PULLS OFF A DICTIONARY

BECK (cont) If you’re unsure of a word’s meaning, you’ll need a dictionary.

CUSTOMER # 5 Wait, so to use this book I need another book?

BECK IS NOW VISABLY FRUSTRATED AND ANGRY WITH THE CUSTOMERS.

BECK It’s really not this complicated folks.

CUSTOMER # 4 What if I really like the book, can I buy the next one in the series like through an in-book purchase?

BECK (getting even more frustrated) No, again, that is an app thing.

thinking of in-app purchases. This is a

book.

You’re

If you want the next book, just

come back to Barnes and Noble and pick

it up.

CUSTOMER # 5 It’s actually not that simple as all.

CUSTOMER #4 This does seem like a lot of work.

Simple as that.

BECK TAKES A DEEP BREATH. HE TURNS FROM ANGRY TO OPTIMISTIC ONCE AGAIN. THE CAMERA ZOOMS IN ON HIM AS HE DELIVERS HIS NEXT LINE.

BECK Sure, maybe it is a bit more complicated that just downloading the book, but isn’t it a great feeling holding a book in your hand.

CUT TO: CUSTOMER #4 AND #5 BOTH HOLDING PHONES IN THEIR HANDS, NOT PAYING ATTENTION TO BECK, WHO’S FACE TURNS FROM HAPPY TO SAD.

CUSTOMER # 4 Here, here it is. Since we’re already here, we can hit the Apple Store and pick up new phones.

CUSTOMER # 5 (talking to the phone)

I am so sorry I thought I could replace you.

SIRI (VO)

I forgive you. I know it won’t happen again.

CUSTOMER # 4 and 5 WALK OUT OF THE STORE. BECK NOW JUST LOOKS SAD.

FADE TO: ART CARD OF A BARNES AND NOBLE STORE. CHYRON OF THE VOICEOVER BELOW APPEARS ON THE SCREEN SHORTLY BEFORE IT IS HEARD.

ANNOUNCER (VO)

Barnes and Noble. matter of time.

Yup, we know it’s only a

ADVERTISEMENT - PAUL MILLER’S -- 60 SECOND AD (PRE-PRODUCED)

OPEN ON: A COUPLE (CECILY AND TARAN) SITTING IN A BOOTH AT A DINER TYPE OF RESTAURANT. OTHER COUPLES AND PEOPLE ARE SEATED AROUND THEM AND A WAITRESS OR TWO ARE BUSY MOVING ABOUT SERVING EVERYONE. PEOPLE LOOK FRUSTRATED. A MAN BEHIND CECILY AND TARAN BEGINS TO SHOUT AT THE WAITRESS.

RANDOM MAN Miss this isn’t even what I ordered. I’ve been waiting 30 minutes already.

CECILY Lucky him, at least he got something. No one’s even been by to take our order.

TARAN Let’s get out of here, I know a place we can go.

TARAN STANDS UP AS DOES CECILY. HE TAKES HER HAND AND THEY BEGIN TO WALK AWAY.

CUT TO: THE INTERIOR OF A DOWN HOME COUNTRY RESTAURANT (THINK A CRACKER BARREL TYPE OF JOINT). THERE ARE SMILES ALL AROUND,

INCLUDING ON CECILY AND TARAN AS THEY WALK IN AND HAVE A SEAT IN

A BOOTH.

A WAITER WALKS UP TO THEM WITH A COFFEE POT IN HAND.

WAITER Welcome to Paul Miller’s. Care for some coffee to start?

CECILY Why yes thank you so much.

CUT TO: THE TABLE AS THE WAITER STARTS TO POUR OUT THE COFFEE INTO RATHER LARGE MUGS.

CUT TO: CECILY WITH A SURPRISED BUT PLEASANT LOOK ON HER FACE.

CECILY (cont) That is a big cup of coffee.

CUT TO: TARAN SMILING, LOOKING RATHER HAPPY WITH HIMSELF.

TARAN The portions here are great.

WAITER Can I tell you about our specials today?

Please.

TARAN

WAITER

I know you’ve got the coffee to get started,

but we also our Georgia Down Home Sweet Tea available as well.

AS THE WAITER BEGINS TO DESCRIBE THE DRINK THE SCREEN WILL SHOW A VISUAL OF IT BEING MADE FROM SCRATCH.

WAITER (V.O.)

In a chilled Paul Miller’s collectable glass, we pour in 32 ounces of southern style tea, three tablespoons of sugar. Wait, make that

four.

Georgia peach. And you know what, it’s five tablespoons of sugar. Or maybe six.

Then we squeeze in the juice of a whole

CUT TO: THE WAITER STANDING NEXT TO TARAN AND CECILY.

WAITER And I bet you’re hungry too, right?

TARAN AND CECILY NOD ENTHUSIASTICALLY.

WAITER (cont) Well today we are featuring our Pigs of Three Nations burger.

CECILY

Three nations?

WAITER Yes ma’am. First we start with

AS THE WAITER BEGINS TO DESCRIBE THE BURGER THE SCREEN WILL SHOW A VISUAL OF THE BURGER BEING BUILT FROM SCRATCH.

WAITER (cont)

a fresh baked pretzel roll. Next we add

our hand pressed one pound Miller Burger,

made with grade A ground sirloin. Then we place

a slice of pure Wisconsin cheddar on top, followed

by the best part of all.

A thick cut slice of Canadian Bacon, four strips of

hickory smoked American Bacon, and last but not least a big ole slice of imported Irish Bacon.

The pigs of three nations.

CUT TO: CECILY REACTING HAPPILY TO THE DESCRIPTION

CECILY That sounds amazing.

WAITER Well hold on their young lady, I’m not done yet.

CUT TO: A VISUAL OF THE BURGER AGAIN AS THE WAITER CONTINUES HIS DESCRIPTION.

WAITER To give it even more of an international flavor, we put on slices of imported swiss and smoked gouda cheeses before topping it with Paul’s signature sauce and serving it to you.

CUT TO: TARAN, WHO IS EXCITEDLY WAITING TO ORDER.

TARAN

We’ll take two!

THE WAITER SMILES AND WALKS AWAY. TARAN AND CECILY ARE LEFT AT THE TABLE SMILING AS WELL.

CUT TO: THE MEAL IS NOW FINISHED. TARAN AND CECILY ARE LOUNGING BACK IN THE BOOTH, COMPLETELY STUFFED, WITH MESSY FACES, NAPKINS STREWN ALL OVER, BUT MOSTLY EMPTY PLATES, MINUS A FEW SCRAPS. THE WAITER WALKS UP TO THE TABLE. HE IS SMILING TOO.

WAITER

So how was it?

TARAN Amazing. We’re stuffed.

WAITER Well I hope you left some room for dessert.

CECILY Actually, we’ll just take

THE WAITER CUTS HER OFF AND STARTS DESCRIBING THE DESSERT. AS THAT HAPPENS WE CUT TO A VISUAL OF THE DESSERT BEING BUILT.

WAITER

Our dessert of the day is the Ooey-Gooey Fresh

and Chewy.

a fresh Paul Miller’s cinnamon roll. Then we

pile on two scoops each of vanilla, chocolate and strawberry ice cream, hot fudge, caramel sauce and Mrs. Miller’s homemade cinnamon-sugar frosting. Top it with a cherry and some fresh whipped cream and it’s all ready for you to enjoy.

Inside a waffle cone bowl, we pop in

CUT TO: AN OVERLY HAPPY TARAN, WHO STILL LOOKS DISHEVILED FROM EATING THE BURGER EARILER.

TARAN

I think we could split one.

THE WAITER SMILES AND WALKS AWAY. TARAN AND CECILY START TO SIT UP GETTING READY TO EAT ONCE AGAIN.

CUT TO: AN ART CARD OF THE OUTSIDE OF THE RESTAURANT WITH ITS SIGN IN THE BACKGROUND. CHYRON OF THE TEXT BELOW ALSO APPEARS ON THE SCREEN.

ANNOUNCER Paul Miller’s. Feeding you like family. If you’re family is trying to kill you.

TV PARODY - HOUSE HUNTERS: NEW YORK CITY

OPEN ON: COVER VIDEO OF NEW YORK CITY WITH THE HOUSE HUNTERS LOGO ON THE SCREEN. AS THE NARRATOR SPEAKS, THE COVER VIDEO OF THE CITY CHANGES, BEGINNING WITH SOARING SKYSCRAPERS AND QUICKLY MOVING TO A RATTY LOOKING BUILDING THAT NO ONE SHOULD LIVE IN.

NARRATOR (v.o.) Amy and Rob are looking for an affordable apartment in Manhattan. Both are just out of college and ready to take on the city, but can they find something in their budget of $750 a month.

CUT TO: AMY (MILA) AND ROB (PETE) ON A GREEN SCREEN, STANDING ON A STREET IN MANHATTAN.

MILA We know we don’t have a lot of money to spend, but we really want to live in Manhattan.

PETE It’s really been our dream ever since we watch Elf last Christmas.

CUT TO: A PRE-TAPE, DOCUMENTARY STYLE SET-UP IN A REAL ESTATE OFFICE WITH THE AGENT (VANESSA BAYER) SITTING IN THE CHAIR AT THE DESK ADDRESSING THE CAMERA DIRECTLY.

AGENT While it has been a bit of a challenge finding suitable places for Amy and Rob in their budget, I think I have one for them today that is going to work.

CUT TO: MILA AND PETE ARE WALKING INTO THE APARTMENT WITH THE AGENT (VANESSA). THE APARTMENT IS ACTUALLY A TINY JANITORS CLOSET.

MILA This place is awful small.

PETE ATTEMPTS TO CLOSE THE DOOR, BUT IT HITS MILA. SHE TRIES TO MOVE AND THEN BUMPS INTO VANESSA. VANESSA TRIES TO MOVE BUT BUMPS INTO PETE. PETE TRIES TO MOVE AND JUST CAN’T GO ANYWHERE.

VANESSA Here, I think I can get it.

VANESSA NOW TRIES TO CLOSE THE DOOR BUT MILA IS IN THE WAY. MILA BREATHES IN HEAVILY, PETE HUGS ONTO HER AND VANESSA GETS THE DOOR CLOSED.

VANESSA

There we go.

PETE How many square feet is this place?

VANESSA Square foot, not feet. It’s a square foot.

MILA How are we suppose to live in a square foot?

CUT TO: A PRE-TAPE OF VANESSA BACK AT THE REAL ESTATE OFFICE IN HER CHAIR ADDRESSING THE CAMERA.

VANESSA There is a thing that never changes about first-time buyers, especially when they are right out of college. They have, how should I say this, wildly unrealistic goals.

CUT TO: THE APARTMENT AS WE LEFT IT.

VANESSA Actually Amy, and I know you might find this hard to believe, but this was the only place I could find in your price range in Manhattan. We’re actually lucky we get to see it at all. Another few hours, it will probably be off the market.

PETE

I think we could make it work.

MILA

Make it work?

PETE Well let’s hear her out.

MILA

I suppose we have to, I can’t get out of here if I tried.

VANESSA So this place has only been on the market for two days and it was recently converted into a studio.

MILA From a janitor’s closet.

VANESSA

I’m not sure what the previous tenants used it for.

CUT TO: A PRE-TAPE AT VANESSA’S OFFICE.

VANESSA It was totally a janitor’s closet.

CUT TO: THE APARTMENT AS WE LEFT IT.

VANESSA But it is amazing how many modern conveniences they can fit into a space such as this.

MILA

Such as?

VANESSA Well, for example, many places this size do not have a formal dining area.

VANESSA REACHES OVER AND UP PAST MILA TO GRAB A HANDLE BY A MICROWAVE.

VANESSA (cont) It of course features new appliances, such as this microwave, which easily converts into your dining area.

AS SHE OPENS THE DOOR, SHE REACHES ONTO A SMALL DRAWER BELOW THE MICROWAVE AND GRABS TWO FORKS, HANDS ONE EACH TO PETE AND KEEPS THE OTHER ONE FOR HERSELF. SHE THEN OPENS THE MICROWAVE, REACHES IN AND STICKS IN THE FORK AND PRETENDS TO TAKE A BITE OF THE FOOD SHE HAS PULLED OUT.

MILA Wait, that is not a dining area.

VANESSA

(confidently)

Yes it is.

MILA You expect us to eat our food directly out of the microwave?

CUT TO: A PRE-TAPE OF VANESSA AT HER OFFICE ADDRESSING THE CAMERA.

VANESSA No I expect you to be rational and look for a place within your means in say, I

don’t know, New Jersey.

CUT TO: THE APARTMENT AS WE LEFT IT.

PETE Hey, you know how last week when we made that bowl of chili at my dad’s place and you burned your hand taking it out of the microwave? That’s not a problem here.

PETE NOW STICKS HIS FORK INTO THE MICROWAVE AND PRETENDS TO TAKE A BITE OF FOOD. MILA SHOOTS PETE A DIRTY LOOK AND PUSHES HIM, WHICH SENDS HIM INTO VANESSA, WHICH IN REALITY BARELY MOVES ANYONE.

VANESSA I’m not saying it is ideal, but with your budget of only $750 a month, this is truly all you can afford.

MILA This is only house number one. This is House Hunters, we get to see House number two and three yet.

CUT TO: A PRE-TAPE OF VANESSA BACK AT HER DESK.

VANESSA So they want to see what else they can afford?

VANESSA THROWS HER HEAD BACK AND LAUGHS.

VANESSA (cont) Oh, I’ve got two more places for them to take a look at.

CUT TO: MILA, VANESSA AND PETE ARE STANDING BY A DUMPSTER. THERE IS A FIRE BURNING IN A BARREL AND THERE ARE A FEW BOXES PLACED AROUND THEM.

MILA I’m not sure I like the entry into this building.

VANESSA Oh we’re not going into the building.

PETE

What?

VANESSA You’ve heard of SoHo right?

MILA AND PETE BOTH NOD THEIR HEADS

VANESSA (cont) Well this is Hobo, and it certainly has its advantages.

MILA

Such as?

VANESSA Well rent comes in way under your budget at just zero dollars per month, and your utilities are, well they are non-existent, but there is an association fee.

PETE Association fee?

A HOBO (BOBBY) WALKS INTO THE SCENE.

BOBBY Yup, goes towards paying the heating bill.

BOBBY THROWS A BAG OF GARBAGE INTO THE FIRE. HE TURNS AWAY FROM THEM AND WARMS HIMSELF BY THE FIRE AS THEY CONTINUE TO TALK.

VANESSA There are actually a couple of different models available here. We have the classic.

VANESSA WALKS OVER TO A CARDBOARD BOX.

VANESSA (cont) The classic features an open floor plan with plenty of natural lighting.

VANESSA NOW TURNS TOWARDS A DUMPSTER

VANESSA (cont)

Then there is an upgraded model available if you are willing to spend a little more

each month.

This is the bin.

A BACK DOOR OPENS AND TARAN, DRESSED AS A SHORT ORDER COOK,

STICKS HIS HEAD OUT.

TARAN For $50 a month, I’ll make sure that my guys use the other dumpster down the block and that no one picks up your place, and you know, dumps it.

VANESSA

Also featuring an open floor plan, the bin doesn't offer as much natural light, but certainly is a bit more protected from the elements.

MILA I’m not living in a dumpster.

PETE So you like the classic better? Me too.

MILA I’m not living in a box either.

VANESSA Looks like you guys have some things to discuss.

CUT TO: ART CARDS OF THE HOUSES THEY HAVE BEEN SHOWN WHILE THE NARRATOR GOES OVER THEIR CHOICES.

ANNOUNCER (v.o.) House number one is the most expensive of their options, but also offers the most amenities and indoor living. House number two is a modern classic, but doesn’t have the locking door that Amy is looking for. And house number three features the open floor plan that Pete likes, but can they get used to the climb up into the place?

CUT TO: MILA AND PETE STANDING AT THE GREEN SCREEN, ONCE AGAIN ON THE STREETS OF NEW YORK.

MILA I’m not living in any of those places.

PETE Hold on now, we need to talk about this.

MILA There is nothing to talk about Rob, maybe we should just keep living with your Dad.

PETE I don’t think you’ve really thought about all the benefits of house number two.

MILA

Benefits?

PETE We’ll have more money to travel like we talked about.

MILA WALKS AWAY.

PETE (cont) I really liked house number two

CUT TO: COVER VIDEO OF NEW YORK CITY. THERE IS A DOORBELL SOUND EFFECT AND THE CHYRON ON THE SCREEN SAYS ‘‘SIX WEEKS LATER’’

CUT TO: PETE, STANDING OUTSIDE OF THE CARDBOARD BOX.

PETE

So Amy left me. Said she couldn’t live

in a box.

studio but she wouldn’t hear it. I don’t think her heart was really in this move to the city.

I was willing to take the

THE CAMERA ZOOMS OUT TO SHOW A HOBO FIRE IN A BARREL NEXT TO PETE, WITH BOBBY AND JAY STANDING AROUND THE IT COOKING HOBO PACKETS ON STICKS, DRINKING AND HAVING A GOOD TIME.

PETE Slim and Creepy Jake are awesome. I’ve learned so much since moving out on my

own into the world. Before this I barely

could cook, and now look at me.

happy here, this is city living at it’s best.

I’m really

WEEKEND UPDATE -- NEWS (AUGUST 2015)

PHOTO OVER THE SHOULDER OF THE ANCHOR IS THE COVER OF VANITY FAIR MAGAZINE.

ANCHOR Rachel Dolezal, the white woman who passed herself off as African-America told Vanity Fair magazine that she didn’t device anyone.

SWITCH PHOTO TO A PICTURE OF RACHEL DOLEZAL.

Yea, we know.

ANCHOR

PICTURE OF THE CHRYSLER AUTO LOGO IN BOX OVER THE SHOULDER.

ANCHOR Federal auto safety regulators are set to fine Chrysler 105 million dollars for mishandling auto recalls. While some money will be recovered if they follow safety guidelines in the future, the rest if expected to be made up with sales of the news 2016 Dodge Dinero.

SWITCH PHOTO OVER SHOULDER TO A CHEAP, BEATEN DOWN, JUST TERRIBLE LOOKING CAR.

ANCHOR Which features absolutely no frills and an incredibly high interest rate.

PHOTO OVER THE SHOULDER OF THE ANCHOR IS THAT OF A TEENAGE COUPLE.

ANCHOR The number of teens having sex is the lowest it has been in 25 years according to the Center for Disease Control. Most of the credit is being given to AT&T’s new pro-sexting campaign, It Can Wait.

SWITCH PHOTO TO A MODIFIED AT&T ‘‘IT CAN WAIT’’ LOGO THAT HAS A SEXY GUY AND GIRL ADDED BEEHIND IT.

PHOTO OF LA CLIPPERS PLAYER JOSH SMITH IN BOX OVER SHOULDER.

ANCHOR LA Clippers forward Josh Smith told the Detroit Free Press this week that it will be hard for

his family to live on his new, lower contract, of only 1.5 million dollar per season. While that might seem like a lot of money to you or me, when you break down his expenses, you can see how it can be difficult.

REPLACE PHOTO OF SMITH WITH A PIE CHART OF HIS EXPENSES: 3% FAMILY, 37% TAXES, 60% FRIVOLOUS SPENDING

PHOTO OF A FATHER WITH A YOUNG CHILD OVER THE SHOULDER OF THE ANCHOR

ANCHOR A new study shows that first time fathers tend to gain an average of 4.4 pounds in the year after their child is born.

SWITCH PHOTO TO A SHIRTLESS MAN WITH A POTBELLY HOLDING IT LIKE HE IS PREGNANT.

ANCHOR So we don’t want to hear about how much pain you were in ladies.

PHOTO OF DONALD TRUMP OVER THE SHOULDER OF THE ANCHOR

ANCHOR Donald Trump is the Republican front runner According to a recent national telephone poll, which leads to the question, is America absolutely given up on itself?

PICTURE SWITCHES TO A PIZZA HUT LOGO AND A PHOTO OF THEIR NEW HOT DOG CRUST PIZZA.

WEEKEND UPDATE -- JEBADIAH ATKINSON (EXISTING CHARACTER)

MICHAEL With the recent MTV Video Music Awards nominations coming out, we thought we’d ask 1860’s Newspaper critic Jebadiah Atkinson to give us take on this year’s VMA nominees.

TARAN Thank you Michael

back here once again.

so

thrilled to be

MICHAEL So have you been able to check out this year's VMA nominees?

TARAN I’ve not only seen this year’s nominees Michael but I’ve watched every music video since before MTV launched and polluted our lives. And I think as usual, you’ll find that my reviews, while sometimes harsh, are more than fair and certainly qualify as objective.

TARAN LOOKS DIRECTLY INTO THE CAMERA

TARAN (cont) To call this year’s nominees rubbish is an insult to rubbish Michael. Let’s start

with Video of the Year nominee, Taylor Swift’s

Bad Blood -- more like just bad.

to see an action packed cat fight I would pay two ladies of the night to act it out for me.

MICHAEL Ladies of the night?

TARAN Yes Michael. I believe they’re called pop Stars now. Then there is Mark Ronson featuring

Bruno Mars in Uptown Funk. More like Mark Ronson being carried by Bruno Mars. I haven’t seen a white man take that much credit for something a black man did since Thomas Jefferson proclaimed his best cotton crop ever to James Madison. TARAN (cont) And what about Ed Sheeran’s Thinking Out

If I wanted

Loud.

Allow me to think out loud for a minute

Ed.

You want to know if she will love you

when the crowds don’t remember your name? Wait and ask her in a couple of months.

MICHAEL Well what about Walk the Moon’s Shut Up and Dance? That was a fairly popular song.

TARAN Yes, that song. They were victims of the night. Meanwhile we’re all just the victims.

MICHAEL Well there must be something you liked?

TARAN I’ve never liked a music video Michael and by the looks of it that won’t change anytime soon. I’ve reviewed them all, and I even brought with me a few classics from the archives tonight.

Brittany Spears Hit My Baby One More Time. I would but my father taught me to never hit a lady, so actually I guess it would be alright. Next!

Gangam Style by Psy. Hey Kim Jong-un, want to make friends in the western world? Take care of this mess. Next!

Guns N’ Roses November Rain. More like I’m in pain. Next!

MICHAEL You don’t like anything? How about Michael Jackson?

TARAN Michael Jackson? You can’t be serious, are you Michael? You know that glove wasn’t for style, it was to hide his fingerprints. He was

accused so often of child molestation he wrote a

song about it.

We know, I just

can’t believe no one else did. Billie Jean wasn’t

your lover?

And now Michael I’ve come to the worst music video of all time, Smells Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana. Although I’m not sure I should read you this one after the audience flew off the handle with Thomas Jefferson joke.

MICHAEL That’s probably a good

TARAN (Cutting off Michael) Well I’m going to do it anyway Michael.

Nirvana’s Smells Like Teen Spirit.

You know I’m bad?

I figured, she wasn’t a 13 year old boy.

TARAN SINGS THE NEXT LINE TO THE TUNE OF SMELLS LIKE TEEN SPIRIT.

TARAN (singing) Hello, hello, hello, hell no.

TARAN

Seattle might have given the world Starbucks but that doesn’t make up for this. The word Nirvana literally means blown out, which I wonder if that was the last thing to go

through his mind last thing.

MICHAEL 1860’s newspaper critic Jebadiah Atkinson everyone.

or

the second to

WEEKEND UPDATE -- LOCKER ROOM GUY (ORIGINAL CHARACTER)

COLIN Pete Rose was recently overwhelmingly voted the biggest snub in Baseball Hall of Fame history by fans online. Here to comment on this is

COLIN’S VOICE TURNS MORE INTO A QUESTIONING TONE WHEN HE INTRODUCED THE GUEST.

COLIN The Guy Who’s Too Comfortable Being Naked in the Locker Room?

A COMPLETELY NUDE TARAN KILLAN WALKS OUT. WHAT NEEDS TO BE

PIXELATED IS COVERED UP.

HIS SHOULDER INSTEAD OF AROUND HIS WAIST. HE WALKS OUT AND SITS IN A CHAIR NEXT TO COLIN.

HE HAS A TOWEL WITH HIM BUT IT IS OVER

TARAN Hey Colin, glad I could join you here tonight.

COLIN (unsure of himself) Well thanks for being here

I guess.

AS TARAN STARTS TO DELILVER HIS NEXT LINES, COLIN LOOKS INTO THE CAMERA WITH A QUESTIONING LOOK, LIKE HE IS TRYING TO GET THE ATTENTION OF THE DIRECTOR.

TARAN Look, what Pete Rose did on the field is what should matter. So he made a few mistakes off the field, is that unforgiveable?

COLIN You really are completely nude.

TARAN Exactly. I mean, if gambling effected his game play, it was probably for the better. You don’t earn that many M-L-B records by throwing games.

COLIN I see you have a towel with you.

TARAN I figured the lights out

Yeah, so?

here might be a little hot?

TARAN TAKES THE TOWEL AND PATS HIS FOREHEAD, PLACING IT BACK ON HIS SHOULDER.

COLIN Maybe you could, I don’t know, wrap it around your waist?

TARAN (standing up) What does this bother you?

COLIN A little bit, yes. too you know.

TARAN What do I turn you on?

COLIN What? No. I mean, not that there’s anything wrong with that, but god no.

TARAN (sitting back down) Relax Jostee, I’m kidding with you. You’re too uptight. You need to be more free like me.

COLIN So let’s get back to the topic at hand.

And we are on TV

TARAN

Right, Pete Rose.

not be in the Hall of Fame. play?

COLIN Well I was born in 1982 and he retired in

TARAN Eighty-six, ah you young kids.

No way does he deserve to

You ever see him

TARAN STANDS UP AND PUNCHES COLIN IN THE ARM AS HE WALKS BEHIND HIM AND IN FRONT OF THE DESK, STILL COMPLETELY NUDE.

TARAN (cont) So you never seen his batting stance. Oh he had perfect form. You don’t lead the league in hits some almost 30 years later without perfect form.

AS TARAN STARTS TO EXPLAIN WHY ROSE’S STANCE WAS SO PERFECT, HE ACTS OUT EVERYTHING IN AN OVER DRAMATIC FASHION, WHILE COMPLETELY NUDE OF COURSE.

TARAN (cont) See he would stand at the plate, feet spread perfectly apart, holding the bat just right.

HE TAKES HIS PRETEND BAT AND TAPS IT ON THE PRETEND HOME PLATE, TURNS UP AND STARES RIGHT AT COLLIN.

TARAN (cont) and then the pitch would come hurling towards the plate, he’d swing

TARAN SWINGS HARD AND ‘‘CRUSHES THE BALL’’ TOWARDS THE ANCHOR DESK

TARAN (cont) And when he connected it was at least a single every time.

MICHAEL But what about Barry Bonds? Don’t you think he is just as big of a snub?

COLIN Why are you encouraging him?

Bonds?

TARAN

TARAN WALKS TOWARDS MICHAEL, THROWING HIS ARMS IN THE AIR. HE GETS RIGHT NEXT TO THE ANCHOR DESK AND LEANS OVER AND STARTS TALKING TO MICHAEL, WITH HIS BUTT SORT OF IN THE AIR TOWARDS COLIN, WHO REACTS ACCORDINGLY.

TARAN Are you kidding me? Bonds? He was a juicer. Pete was all natural. You use the juice and it isn’t fair. That stuff’s bad, causes the boys to shrivel up. I’ve never touched the stuff, see?

TARAN STANDS BACK UP STRAIGHT, GESTURES TOWARDS HIMSELF. COLIN AND MICHAEL BOTH INSTINCTIVELY LOOK TOWARDS HIM AND QUICKLY TURN THEIR HEADS AWAY.

COLIN Alright do you have anything else to add?

TARAN No I think it got it all out there.

TARAN STRETCHES AND PUTS HIS LEG UP ON THE DESK IN FRONT OF COLIN.

COLIN The Guy who is Too Comfortable Being Naked in the Locker Room everyone.

FAMILY SKETCH -- THE TEACHERS

OPEN ON: A LIVING ROOM OF A HOUSE. TYPICAL LOOKING. COUCH,

TABLE, CHAIR.

AS WELL. THERE ARE SMALL LOCKERS AGAINST THE WALL BY THE DOOR. A DAD (TARAN) IS SITTING IN HIS CHAIR AND MOM (VANESSA) IS SETTING THE TABLE. ONE OF THEIR KIDS (KYLE) IS ON THE COUCH. THE DOORBELL RINGS.

THE DINNER TABLE IS RIGHT NEXT TO IT IN THE ROOM

TARAN Oh good that must be Andy and his new girlfriend.

TARAN GETS UP, WALKS OVER TO THE DOOR AND OPENS IT. ANDY (PETE) AND APRIL (MILA) WALK IN. TARAN REACHES OUT AND PULLS PETE IN FOR A HUG.

TARAN (cont)

Andy good to see you.

PETE Yup, Dad. Everyone, this is my girlfriend April.

This must be April.

VANESSA WALKS OVER AND SHAKES HER HAND.

VANESSA I’m Mrs. O’Mally.

Why don’t you guys take off your coats.

So nice to meet you.

BOTH PETE AND MILA TAKE OFF THEIR COATS, PETE GRABS THEM AND WALKS OVER TO THE WALL WHERE THEY ARE LOCKERS.

PETE April sweetie I’ll just put your coat in my locker.

PETE OPENS HIS LOCKER AND HANGS UP THE COATS. MILA WALKS OVER AND LOOKS AT WHAT HE IS DOING.

MILA Your family has lockers?

PETE Yea, everyone is my family is a school teacher, so I guess they just brought the work home with them. It’s no big deal.

PETE CLOSES THE LOCKER DOOR, AND THEY BOTH WALK OVER TO THE COUCHES AND SIT DOWN.

TARAN So Pete tells me you and your mother own a restaurant in the city?

MILA Me and my mom

We do.

TARAN (cutting her off) My mother and I dear.

MILA Sorry, my mother and I have been there for about three years now.

TARAN

That’s fantastic.

A SCHOOL BELL CHIMES IN THE BACKGROUND. EVERYONE INSTICTIVELY STANDS UP EXCEPT FOR MILA AND STARTS HEADING TO THE TABLE.

PETE Oh sorry, that’s the bell. Time for dinner.

MILA LOOKS AT PETE A BIT CONFUSED, BUT STANDS UP AND HEADS OVER TO THE TABLE. KYLE, WHO HAS ALSO STOOD UP, WALKS TOWARDS THE TABLE BUT THEN KEEPS GOING.

VANESSA And where are you going?

KYLE

To the bathroom.

VANESSA JUST STARES AT KYLE. IT ‘‘HITS’’ HIM AND HE DROPS HIS HEAD A LITTLE LOWER BEFORE SPEAKING AGAIN.

KYLE (cont) I’m sorry. Can I use the washroom?

TARAN I don’t know, can you?

TARAN LAUGHS AT HIS OWN JOKE HARD, BUT NO ONE ELSE REALLY FINDS IT FUNNY.

KYLE

May I?

VANESSA Yes dear, just grab the pass.

KYLE REACHES OVER TO THE COFFEE TABLE AND PICKS UP A LARGE WOODEN

PLANK THAT HAS IN BIG BLOCK LETTERS ON IT THE WORD PASS.

WALKS OFF THE SET. AS HE DOES THIS, EVERYONE ELSE SITS DOWN AT THE TABLE.

HE

PETE Can I grab you a drink April?

Sure, thanks.

MILA

PETE STANDS UP AND WALKS OVER TO A CRATE BY THE TABLE.

PETE

Chocolate or White?

MILA

What?

PETE Chocolate or White Milk?

MILA Oh, I’ll have chocolate I guess.

PETE GRABS TWO CHOCOLATE MILK CARTONS AND RETURNS TO THE TABLE. HE SETS IT DOWN IN FRONT OF MILA AND ALMOST IMMEDIATELY IT IS PICKED BACK UP BY VANESSA. SHE BEGINS TO OPEN IT.

VANESSA Let me get that for you dear.

VANESSA OPENS THE CARTON AND SETS IT DOWN. PETE MEANWHILE IS WAITING PATIENTLY FOR HER TO OPEN HIS, WHICH SHE DOES AS SOON AS SHE SETS DOWN MILA’S.

VANESSA Would you like a straw dear? MILA

I’m okay.

VANESSA JUST STARES AT MILA AFTER SHE GIVES HER ANSWER.

MILA

I mean no thank you?

VANESSA SMILES AND FINISHES OPENING PETE’S MILK.

TARAN So April, where did you meet our boy?

KYLE WALKS BACK IN AND JOINS THE GROUP AT THE TABLE.

MILA He came into our restaurant with his boss and he caught my attention right away with his cute smile.

AS MILA SAYS THAT, PETE IS LOOKING AT HER, CHEWING HIS FOOD, AND HE BITES HIS CHEEK AND REACTS ACCORDINGLY.

PETE

Damn it.

PETE BRINGS NAPKINS UP TO HIS MOUTH.

MILA Oh Andy are you alright?

PETE Man, that really hurt. bit my cheek.

Yea I just

VANESSA STANDS UP AND WALKS OVER TO PETE.

VANESSA Oh dear, are you alright? Should we send you to nurse?

MILA

You have a nurse?

PETE No, it’s alright. It’s not that bad, just caught me off guard that’s all. TARAN You’re sure you’re alright son?

PETE Yes Dad, thanks I’m fine.

TARAN Good, because now we have to talk about your punishment.

MILA

His punishment?

KYLE Andy’s getting in trouble, Andy’s getting in trouble.

TARAN Do you want to be next?

KYLE PUTS HIS HEAD DOWN AND GOES BACK TO EATING.

PETE Dad, not in front of April.

TARAN You should have thought about that before

you broke the rules. choice.

I’m afraid I have no

TARAN REACHES TO THE TABLE BEHIND HIM AND GRABS A BOOK. HE FLIPS THROUGH IT, STOPS ON A PAGE AND HANDS IT TO PETE.

TARAN (cont) What does it say on page 14?

PETE

I know what it says Dad.

TARAN Why don’t you read it out loud so everyone can hear it.

PETE Anyone caught using profane language in the hallways, classrooms or common areas shall be subject to a detention upon their first offense. AS PETE IS READING THIS OUT LOUD, VANESSA HAS TAKEN HIS PLATE AND STARTED PUTTING MORE FOOD ON IT.

TARAN That’s right. This certainly isn’t your first offense, but it’s been awhile so let’s call it number one.

TARAN HAS A SLIP OF PAPER IN HIS HAND AND HE IS WRITING ON IT. IT’S PETE’S DETENTION FORM.

TARAN (cont)

I see Mrs. O’Mally has finished making your

plate, so why don’t you take it and finish dinner up in your room.

MILA You’re sending him to his room?

Yes Ma’am.

TARAN

TARAN RIPS THE TOP COPY OF, FOLDS IT AND PLACES IT IN HIS SHIRT POCKET. HE HANDS PETE THE BOTTOM COPY.

MILA

He’s 26 years old?

TARAN Rules are rules young lady. He’s well aware of the O’Mally Family Handbook. He knew the consequences.

MILA

This is crazy.

PETE IS STANDING UP GRABBING HIS PLATE.

PETE It’s my fault.

Let it go sweetie.

MILA You shouldn’t be sent to your room at 26 years old. Our night shouldn’t be over because you said

PETE (cutting her off) say it.

Shhh

TARAN And besides, you’re night isn’t over, you're welcome to stay April.

don’t

It will be fine. you tomorrow?

PETE It’s fine. I’ll call

MILA STANDS UP AND GIVES PETE A KISS.

 

VANESSA

Oh dear.

 

PETE

Oh crap.

 

KYLE

April’s getting in trouble, April’s getting in trouble.

VANESSA That’s enough out of you.

PETE SETS HIS PLATE DOWN AND PICKS UP THE HANDBOOK AND STARTS FLIPPING THROUGH THE PAGES.

MILA

What did I do?

PETE Public displays of affection are not allowed in the common areas.

MILA

This is insane.

TARAN IS WRITING UP ANOTHER DETENTION FORM.

TARAN Rules are rules young lady.

MILA

What, are you going to send me to Pete’s

room?

TARAN Sarcasm won’t do you any favors.

MILA Well damn it then what should I say?

TARAN AND MILA STARE AT EACH OTHER.

TARAN

I know you just didn’t say that?

MILA

I sure as hell did.

TARAN You’re a rebel young lady.

MILA

Damn straight.

VANESSA STANDS UP AND PICKS UP THE PHONE AND MAKES A CALL.

PETE Please stop, maybe it’s not too late.

TARAN Oh it’s too late. You’re expelled April.

MILA

Expelled?

TARAN That’s right. Grab your things. I’ll have security escort you out.

MILA Andy drove me here, how am I suppose to get home?

VANESSA MOVES THE PHONE TO THE SIDE.

VANESSA

I’m on the phone with your mother right now dear.

VANESSA MOVES THE PHONE BACK AND CONTINUES HER CONVERSATION.

My mother?

MILA I’m 28! And how did you get

her number?

PETE I gave it to them when I registered you.

TARAN Andy, that’s enough from you. Say goodbye to your friend and head to detention.

PETE IS WALKING TOWARDS TO THE DOOR WITH MILA. TARAN IS FOLLOWING BEHIND THEM. THEY GET TO THE LOCKERS AND TARAN GRABS MILA’S COAT AND HANDS IT TO HER.

PETE Sorry it had to end this way.

MILA You’re all damn crazy.

Not as sorry as I am.

MILA OPENS THE DOOR AND WALKS OUT, SLAMMING IT BEHIND HER.

TARAN You have always liked the troubled ones.

VANESSA WALKS OVER AND JOINS THEM.

VANESSA

You’re a good boy Andy.

for you. Now off to detention.

She’s not the one

Yes Mrs. O’Mally.

PETE WALKS AWAY.

PETE