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“We ain’t affilliated with nobody”
sat·ire (n) A literary work in which human vice or folly is attacked through irony, derision, or wit. i·ro·ny (n) -The use of words to express something different from and often opposite to their literal meaning. -An expression or utterance marked by a deliberate contrast between apparent and intended meaning. -A literary style employing such contrasts for humorous or rhetorical effect. See Synonyms:wit. dis·claim·er (n) -A repudiation or denial of responsibility or connection. -Law. A renunciation of one’s right or claim. -To cover one’s own ass
Hey kids! Vocabulary can be fun!
DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, READ THE CONTENTS OF THIS NEWSLETTER. REALLY, WE MEAN IT. NO, WE’RE ACTUALLY SERIOUS, THERE IS SOME OFFENSIVE SHIT IN HERE ACTUALLY, THERE’S PROBABLY SOMETHING IN HERE THAT WILL OFFEND ALMOST ANYONE WE’RE OFFENDED BY IT, AND WE WROTE THIS SHIT WE CANNOT BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR WHAT MIGHT HAPPEN IF YOU TURN THIS PAGE ONCE YOU START DOWN THE DARK PATH, FOREVER WILL IT DOMINATE YOUR DESTINY I WANT SOME PANCAKES IF YOU THINK YOU MIGHT BE OFFENDED BY THIS PUBLICATION, PLEASE REDISTRIBUTE IT. OR, APPLY A CONVENIENT SOURCE OF IGNITION TO THE CORNER WHERE INDICATED, AND WATCH AS THIS JOURNAL OF FILTH INCENERATES BEFORE YOUR FILTH FREE EYES, NEVER TO CORRUPT ANYONE ELSE WITH ITS FILTHY FILTHINESS. IT ALSO HELPS TO WAVE THE FLAMING FILTH ABOVE YOUR HEAD AND SCREAM “YOU FILTH MONGERS WILL MONGER YOUR FILTH NO LONGER-I AM FREE OF YOUR FILTHY FILTH!”
Don’t say we didn’t warn you...
IVE! EXCLUS S A ‘NOOD
THE SONG FOC DOESN’T WANT YOU TO KNOW
As you may or may not know, the “plummer’s hymn” has been an engineering tradition in Canada for almost 100 years. Any university you travel to in Canada will know at least the main verses of the hymn, and you’ll find that other schools will have their own variations. Here at Waterloo though, the administration feels the need to deprive you of your tradition, since according to them any mention of alcohol is evil, and will drive you into a mad alcoholic frenzy. Of course, we know that, as fine, upstanding citizens of this country and university, the thought of alcohol would have never crossed your mind without it being implanted by the filthy enginoodz editors. (BEER….thirsty yet?) In order to preserve some of these traditions, we at the Enginoods have come to the aid of you pathetic fucks yet again, and have rewritten the plummer’s hymn to remove all mention of alcohol in a positive light. Enjoy! Final note-The Enginoods editors congratulate anyone who is actually able to demolish 40 beers and would like to invite them to join our staff.
The “revised” Plummer’s Hymn (Sung to the Tune of the Plummer’s Hymn)
We like to brawl, we like to fight, we like to beat things up We’ll put you in the hospital, you’re really not that tough We’ll beat you to a bloody pulp, we know your bones will give Cause if you’re not an Engineer, you don’t deserve to live! Now bondage is a hobby that all engineers enjoy We like to play with whips and chains and other grown up toys Now when you tie an engineer, make sure the knots are tight But of course we’ll leave the frosh alone, at least till Sunday Night Now murder is a hobby that is quite misunderstood We don’t just go ‘round killing folks like gangstas in da hood a perfectly done homicide’s a wonder to behold when you can fit a full grown man into a jell-o mold Now Satan is our master, he’s the dark lord of our lives His hordes are taking over, now there’s nowhere you can hide And when the world is ending only Engineers get off Because the school’s already sold our souls to Microsoft Orgies make the world go round, that fact you can’t deny Sex with many people really gives you a great high Each Friday night in POETS all the clothes begin to drop It’s even caught on campus wide (that’s why they call it FOC) Now David Clegg (your president) is really a great guy His tiny bit of power makes him really, really high He wants all of your input, it would really bring him bliss So take all your ideas and cram them in his orifice Speed cocaine and heroin are different names for fun They’ll make five years in Waterloo seem like they’re only one So find yourself a chemmie who can help you build your stash With crazy high tuition, drugs are great to make spare cash AHS has easy chicks, this fact you can’t dispute Two beers will get them in the sack, but three will make them puke If you try to pick one up and she says to take a hike Don’t worry my young engineer, she’s just a fucking dyke The faculty of math is just a giant waste of space They’re all rejected Engineers, why don’t they learn their place When it comes to choosing mascots, they’ve really gone astray Don’t they realize Pink ties are really, really gay I’m told environmental study is a faculty I really couldn’t care less, it’s all useless news to me Why don’t they just be civils and get relevant degrees Otherwise, the lot of them can go and fuck a tree Now arts is a big faculty, it’s really quite diverse You might think that it’s hard to sum it up in just one verse But we’re engineers folks and we know how to be brief So to all you artsies: go and fuck your sheep Now human flesh can taste quite great when it is well prepared The strong will eat the weak here, there’s no-one that will be spared It’s high in protein, low in fat, goes well with chardonnay And Edcom loves the taste of frosh, so stay out of their way
Final note: By no means should this song be sung during frosh week. In fact, you probably shouldn’t have even read it, and by doing so you have been irrevocably corrupted and your life will begin a downward spiral into oblivion. If you sing this song during frosh week, there will be several very angry people in administration, and a few very proud Enginoods editors.
“I am Jack’s medula oblongata”
IT TRUE SH ACTUAL
THE LEADER NAMES THAT WEREN’T...
You may have noticed by now that all of the people running around in those funny coloured shirts have names written on their backs (if not, look next time). Each leader chooses their nickname when they register, and these nicknames are carefully scrutinized by the powers that be for anything that could be construed as “PACO-unfriendly” or anything that they just don’t get (which means it HAS to be dirty). We at the ‘noods happen to have come across a list of some of these names, and since we think that this kind of shit is funny, we’re printing them here. Enjoy! Pineapple Hider SEX Filthy Sanchez Italian Stallion Hot Beef Injection Hot Dog Hot Carl Carl Pornucopia Catherine Scott Mother FOCer Mother Theresa Jerusalem Puppy dog Fluffy bunny Hot Lips Fog Ducker Shroomy sump pump bilge rattler pie wagon puppet socket corn cob foob job monkey puzzler ass spelunker nortard peck bum drummer magnum bifida not ranked gun show fog lamps Banned spark plug Rockhead backwash shampoo bottle panda bumper bottle fogger pillow biter ass fodder jail bait tail pipe Bartlett pear butler stuff rusty muffler ass bandit trailer hitch dutch oven chop stick round eye pink kitty spare tire beefeater morning after good fundamentals tool box chapstick carpet puncher drug mule speed weasel left behind triple dip rat lips basement flooder 2 belts 2 stroke headboard buck futter trebek molly muppet detox dtx sober jewsh Johnny Bravo Crusty the Clown Leaf Blower Hard Hat
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Super-Fun Enginoods challenge!
Now that you have the names, see if you can figure out who actually wanted to be referred to as “Ass Bandit” or “Bum Drummer.” Better yet-make wild assumptions! Remember, your leaders like to be taunted!
We here at the Enginoods would like to point out that any nickname can be misinterpreted as having a sexual connotation. For example, consider the name: Fluffy Bunny... Think about it for a second... Give it a good thought… You sick fucker! We at the Enginoods are quite proud of your imagination. Remember, imagination is a tool you can use everyday to turn things like Pineapple Hider into something extremely sexual. Imagination can also be used to turn that ugly frosh you woke up next to this morning into a model. Well, either that or more alcohol, since that’s probably what got them there in the first place.
Do not write in this space
IT EFUL SH US
ALCOHOL: IT’S NOT JUST FOR BREAKFAST ANYMORE!
Objective Men – The objective is to drink ten consecutive glasses of liquid in minimum elapsed time Women – the objective is to drink five consecutive glasses of liquid in the minimum elapsed time. Team Each team shall have five members: designated Lead, Breakaway, Pivot, Turnaround, and Anchor. Team dress is at the discretion of the team; however, novices to the sport are advised that sponge caps and bibs are handy items of apparel. Containers The official BOAT racing container shall be the Libbey 321. Should none be available, a suitable 8oz container may be substituted instead. Procedure The team shall position itself in front of a table on which there are two containers of liquid directly opposite each team member (women’s races consist of one container per team member)-ten containers in all. The referee shall ask the team if it is ready, and when so, pronounce 3… 2… 1… DRINK. When DRINK is yelled, the Lead shall drink the contents of his first container and touch the empty container to the table (you get the picture). As soon as the Lead’s container touches the table the Breakaway may pick up his first container, drink its contents and touch the table. Pivot commences when the Breakaway’s container touches the table, and so it goes, until the Turnaround’s container touches the table. The Anchor then drinks the contents of his first container, touches the empty glass to the table, drinks the contents of his second container, then touches the second container to the table. When the Anchor’s second container touches the table, the Turnaround drinks the contents of his second container, and so it goes until the Lead touches his second container to the table. The elapsed time for the race shall start with the utterance of the word “DRINK” by the starter and end with the tenth glass touching the table empty. Penalties Should any team member leave, spill, (or any combination of the two) more than ten percent of the contents of either of his containers, the team shall be penalized. A five second penalty is added to the elapsed time for each container that was insufficiently consumed. Disqualifications A team shall be disqualified for any of the following: Non-continuous drinking – if any team member cannot maintain continuous flow of liquid from container to mouth. If any team member touches either of his glasses or any other sportsmans’ prior to the stipulated time, (see Procedure). If the Anchor for a Men’s race moves (he may touch) the second container while the first container is being consumed. For breakage of glass (however caused) For excessively contesting any official ruling (see Officiation) For gross and intentional spillage. Officiation There shall be a minimum of one senior and one junior Judge and one Timer per team racing. It is the responsibility of the Judge to ensure that all containers are ‘topped’ up prior to the start of the race; the responsibility of the timer is to precisely measure the elapsed time of the race; and the responsibility of both to watch for any infractions which may lead to either penalties or disqualifications. All teams in a single heat have their race started by the designated Race Starter. He will start the race as described above (see Procedure). Upon completion of the race, the judges and Timers meet to discuss any infractions and then announce the official time of the race. The correct procedure for contesting times and infraction calls is to elect one representative from the team and he shall be the only one to discuss Judges/Timers’ calls. Gross and/or indecent conduct by any team member shall not be tolerated and usually results in disqualification: Keep in mind that this is a civilized sport!
Batch: Secret, or just shit Boat Racing: The Official Unofficial sport of nobody tells you? Engineering
Ah, Batch. If Beer is the nectar of the gods, then batch is the nectar of “fuck you up really quick”. While Beer is a beverage that can be enjoyed, savored, and consumed with a fine meal, batch is simply an alcohol delivery system. There are variations on this recipe at other schools, but they’re all wrong. Here’s the real way to make Batch What you’ll need 2 40s of Alcool 1 can of no-name iced tea powder water ice a big fucking container Instructions Pour Alcool into container Add water in the correct ratio: Regular Waterloo Engineers: 3 Water to 1 Alcool Dum Frosh: 5 water to 1 Alcool Lesser Engineers (anyone from another school): 6 water to 1 Alcool Add iced tea mix to taste Stir (the correct method is using one of the empty 40s) Add ice Drink There is also a correct way to drink batch: very fucking carefully. Those who don’t respect the power of batch are doomed to make fucking asses of themselves to the great amusement of those around them, and to feel very sick later on. Remember, Batch is like fire-it’s fun and useful, but can also burn your fucking house down.
All your beer are belong to us
h... We wis IT? BULLSH
THINGS YOU CAN’T DO DURING FROSH WEEK
As some of you may have already noticed, frosh week is probably not what you expected. What was once a proud tradition has descended into the gaytarded events that now constitute orientation here at Waterloo. The sad truth is that even your leaders now only know second hand the glory of Orientations past-and it’s only going to get worse. Although your leaders are doing the best with what they have, we at the Enginoods have taken it upon ourselves to educate you Dum Frosh about things you and your leaders can and can’t (read: should do anyway) do during frosh week: 1-Dum Frosh. You are all Dum Frosh. This is not a matter of opinion, it is simple fact. Even we, the glorious editors of this esteemed periodical were once Dum Frosh. Quite simply, there are a lot of things you don’t know as Frosh, and many people are Dum Frosh well after they’ve finished 1B. Since your leaders aren’t allowed to say it, we’ll have to: You are all Dum Frosh! 2-Sex. We at the ‘noods are big fans of sex, and believe that it is one of the best ways to spend your spare time, class time, study time, or really…well any time really. The problem is, your leaders are trained to stop you from having sex this week at all costs. They will stalk you home, try and stop you from getting to know that member of the opposite sex, and generally try to make your life miserable. Note that they really don’t want to do this most of the time: they have been brainwashed. To combat this, we urge you to have as much sex as possible this week. Additionally, the leaders have to sign waivers specifically stating that they will have no sexual contact with the frosh during the week…but did YOU sign anything? Think of it like a strip club-you can touch them, but they can’t touch you. Have fun! 3-Mud. One of the traditions Waterloo used to have was that each frosh completed a “confidence course” to earn their hard hat. This involved mud, water, and other substances that I’ll leave to your imagination (suffice it to say that you got really fucking dirty). We at the Enginoods want this tradition to return, and strongly urge frosh to get as dirty as possible. After all, when did mud ever hurt anyone (except in Venezuela)? 4-Purple. Purple is a color that has been traditionally associated with Engineering, so as such Frosh used to be dyed purple (voluntarily of course) to show their spirit. The University has deemed that you doing something on your own would be “hazing” however, so your leaders can’t even suggest that you obtain purple dye and dye yourselves. The last time we checked though, the Enginoods staff weren’t frosh leaders, so go out and dye yourselves purple dum frosh! 5-Fuck. No, not what you’re fucking thinking (see no.2). Apparently, even swearing is fucking offensive to FOfuckingC (although there’s nothing in the fucking PACO report about it). We at the ‘noods are fucking outraged by this fucking censorship. What the fuck did the word “fuck” ever do to fucking hurt anyone? Besides, one of the best fucking TOOL cheers happens to be “TOOL! TOOL! BIG FUCKING WRENCH!” which the ‘noods believes loses its fucking panache with the re-fucking-moval of the intensifier “fucking.” Fuck. 6-Drinkin’. Dry night, what is this dry night you speak of? A dry night used to be a night where you’d only drink casually to recover from the past few nights of hard drinking. Since the university has deemed that not only are there gaytarded dry events going on half the time (e.g. Monte Carlo Night), but that your leaders can’t even suggest alternate places to go to drink. Again however, our non-leader status allows us to bring you this list of places to drink, obtain alcohol, and generally have a better time than at some of the shittier frosh week events: Beer Store: Corner of Albert st. and Bearinger (near where albert and Philip meet). Use a phone to find out when they’re open until. Good for beer (which is good for drinkin’). LCBO: Fischer-Hallman and Columbia. Good for liquor (which is also good for drinkin’). Bars in the Plaza Kick-Off- Lots of good beers. Go here for some beer-learnin’ McGinnis- Used to not suck, but does now. Still, they have beer. Mongolian- If you like martinis… East Side- Has Heineken on tap Harvey’s- Sells beer, but you have to know the password (ask for “Play-Dough”) Molly Blooms- Guinness… Weaver’s Arms (in WCRI)- Ask for Pitcher and 20 wings for 20 bucks Bars on Campus Poets- This is where you should be on Thursday and Friday afternoons. The Bomber- Used to be good, now it sucks Fed- Used to suck, still sucks Grad House- Good Beer, good food, and you can’t get in (unless you buy a membership)
TELL YOUR FRIENDS
Remember, the ELPE is best written drunk (or at least hung over).
“Affilliated with the front cover”
-On this day I will look at my past mistakes and project them onto the future. -Today I will create a crisis situation so I can feel really alive. -I have a right to be physically unattractive. -I will make spiritual bankruptcy my goal for the day. -I have a right to change people into who I want them to be. -Today I will belittle those around me as I’ve been belittled in the past. -Extreme mood swings are my goal for the day, as they are so invigorating. -I have a right to seek revenge on those who have hurt me, and so today I’ll begin to intricately plot against them. -Today, I will not eat paste. -Today I will surround myself with unhealthy people so that I may feel superior to them. -Today I celebrate the fact that my underdeveloped sense of identity allows me to fit into a wide range of situations. -Today I will only do things for which I receive very clear approval or applause. -My choices are limited; therefore, I must rigidly stick to the plan I have outlined for myself. -Today, I will only mock people different than me. -Today I will start a project only so I can later abandon it because of my perfectionistic standards. -Today I will blame my life on my parents’ ineptitude. -Today I will lie in bed and wallow in self-pity. -Today I will purposefully fuel someone’s worst fears. -While in conversation today, I will practice keeping a mental inventory of other people’s stupidity. -Today I will practice playing the victim with my friends and coworkers. -This year I will save money by not buying birthday cards for anyone; I will tell everyone their card must have been lost in the mail. -Today I will hoard something I was denied as a child.
Welcome to the back cover of our newsletter. It’s been a fun ride for all of us, and we’d like to thank you for reading. If you’re reading this first, Kevin Spacey is Keyser Soze, Bruce Willis is dead, and the chick in the crying game is a guy. Now turn this thing over and read it from the beginning dum frosh! For the rest of you who just can’t get enough of us, here’s some random shit that we think is funny, and fills up space. 10 Good Reasons to Skip Class
1) 2) 3) 4) 5) 6) 7) 8) 9) 10) 11) 12) 13) 14) 15) Because you can. Your favourite show/movie is on in POETS You have an assignment to complete You haven’t attended class yet, so why start You are too tired Because you are not a number, you are a free man! The class/prof is boring You are hungry (go to the C&D) You are thirsty (go to POETS) There’s Enginoods to read You do NOT TALK about fight club! There are toads to lick You don’t win friends with salad You’d rather start your own class-with blackjack and hookers (actually, forget the class) You just feel like it
10 Good Reasons to Go To Class
1) You’re paying for it 2) You might learn something 3) There’s a nice looking member of the opposite sex in class 4) You haven’t attended class yet 5) The prof is reviewing for the midterm or final
Dyslexic fun page! Unscramble these words: PENCIL CHAIR RACECAR PALINDROME COMPUTER ENGINOODS STATUTORY BOOKKEEPER ARTS FRIES
Brought to you by the letters B and S, and the number 50
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