ENGINOODS

THE

“We ain’t affilliated with nobody”

THE SECRET ORIGIN OF DAVE CLEGG!

As an infant, Dave Clegg crawled away from his family’s camp-site and became hopelessly lost. His grief
stricken parents would have searched tirelessly, but the fishing was really good and well, you know.
Hungry and alone, Dave began eating everything he could get his hands on. Some say it was survival instinct
taking over. Some say that’s just what babies do. Whatever the case, pebbles, sand and pine cones are very
low in protein and essential vitamins.
Fate, however, would deal him a merciful hand. A barren woodpecker discovered Dave and took him in as her
own. (I wanted to say “took him under her wing” but Dave didn’t think it would be appropriate to use puns in a
touching story such as this.)
On a steady diet of worms, bugs and wood pulp, the little tike grew into a healthy, albeit strange young man. He
developed a strong foundation of morals, which Dave at-
tributes to “tough love.” His adoptive mother, who he
called....well, he didn’t call her anything, but anyway, she
was a strict disciplinarian. The hundreds of welts and scars
covering his head today are a testament to her incredible
parental skills.
As he entered his teens, Dave became aware of the devastat-
ing truth: He was not like other woodpeckers. Numerous
attempts at flight only brought frustration and injury. “What’s-
her-name” could only watch in horror as her beloved son
repeatedly bashed his face against trees in search of food.
One morning, Dave happened across a group of hikers. They
were amazed at this primitive human in his cloak of wild
turkey feathers. “Who are you”, they asked...but he could
only squawk and whistle. That’s when Dave spied a small
stick on the ground. He began to scratch pictures in the dirt,
communicating his story the only way he could.
Once returned to civilization, Dave was called upon time and
again to recount his amazing experience. The lecture circuit
followed, forcing him to spend many hours practicing
“speeches”. Although still lacking the ability to verbalize,
Dave’s drawing skills were improving daily.
Today, Dave Clegg is a professional Illustrator . He lives on a
small horse farm in North Georgia with his wife, Lyn and their
two children, Kevin and Kelly.
Many psychologists assigned to the case predict that Dave
will eventually revert to his primitive state and return to the
wild. Dave says, “Impossible!.” (Knock on wood.) Laura Mooney Salutes the Noods
courtesy of daveclegg.com. Hey, if it’s on the internet, it’s gotta be true! She just sort of jumped in front of the camera.
We think she might be exec or something.
Either way, she says “fuck you”.

THE ENGINOODS INVADE THE INTERNET!

http://www3.sympatico.ca/enginoods/
And you thought that the internet was safe for children and pedophiles...
If anybody has a better place we can store these, please let us know! Many free hats for you!

“Who is driving? Bear is driving, how can that be?”

 FUCK
Just because there’s not enough fucks in this issue, and we had to make the quota.

PBD TOTALS
2A Civ Flamin Donut Holes
230 Well, you’re certainly flaming...
1A Civ Full Tilt 165 One day does NOT make a term.
3B Civ MaCiv Plumb Bobs 108 Isn’t that the number you had last week?
3B Comp 1 ComESutra 81 Wait a minute...comps drink?
Other Ringed Good 76 It’s all about consistency.
3B Mech Rolstons 54 Rolstons? Don’t they make dog food?
1A Chem Bad 50 Aren’t you guys all underage?
Other Overpaid Lazy Workers 42 Marking with beer-there’s no better way!
Other Idiots 35 OK, this is really fucking sad.
2A Mech Long Wrench Big Nuts 34 But getting beaten by the idiots is worse

All I Really Need to Know About Sex I Learned in Kindergarten

-The messier it is the more fun it is.
-Explore everywhere, you never know what you might find.
-Share.
-Most things in the world will fit in your mouth, which has its good
and its bad points.
-Sometimes it's the strangest-looking kid that has the best ideas
-Don't take off your clothes unless someone asks you to, or you'll
get yelled at.
-Put things back when you're done with them, and zip carefully.
-Sometimes the best part is the nap afterwards.
-Just because one of the other boys has a toy that's bigger and
shinier than yours doesn't mean that yours isn't good enough,
unless it's broken or something.
-Some things are more fun in groups.
-The boy or girl who wants to be your friend only when you have
candy or toys or stock options isn't the one you want.
-Wash your hands first.
-You have to be careful with hamsters, they break easy.
-If your clothes aren't muddy or wet or ripped or covered in paint or
all four, you're not done yet.
-You can't always do what the people on the television can do, but
it's okay, they're not really real, especially that John Holmes guy.
Whouf.
-Make-believe is an important thing to know, whether you're being a fireman or an astronaut or a naughty maid.
-Barbie might be an anti-feminist symbol of repression and rampant consumerism, but her head pops right off so how tough can she
be?
-Look around, there are always things to play with. You can never be bored when you have enough sofa cushions.
-There's always at least one kid who doesn't want to play, but likes watching everyone else play. They're creepy, but they're all right.
-No matter how strange, dangerous, or twisted a thing you can think up, you can always find someone that will try it.

“Nothing can kill the Grimace”

 PAGE THREE
The place where there be comics.

After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go
out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, “Hey Senor, I would like
the world’s best beer, a Corona.” The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf
and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, “I’d like the best beer in the
world, give me ‘The King Of Beers’, a Budweiser.” The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, “I’d like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain
spring water, give me a Coors.” He gets it. The guy from Molson sits down and
says, “Give me a Coke.” The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what
he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, “Why aren’t
you drinking a Molson’s?” The Molson president replies, “Well, I figured if you
guys aren’t drinking beer, neither would I. (submitted by Walter Trebacz)

“That’s the ugliest damn bong I’ve ever seen”

 THE ENGINOODS FAN MAIL!
SHIT THAT YOU WROTE SO WE DIDN’T HAVE TO.
Classified Ads
For rent: Your mom. Hourly rates, obo. Seniors rate availible. -Fat Cat
Clear, consise, dirty. We like it!

Wanted: Instructor for STV 202: The opinions of Norman R. Ball PhD Qualifications: Must hate engineers and believe
them to be narrow, must be willing to tell them so, must be long winded and boring, must make sweeping generalizations,
must feel free to comment on any situation or subject no matter how technical. Must be a pompous jackass. Must be able
to make blatantly untrue statements in the face of facts. Off-topic poetry reading desired but not required.Qualified
applicants must submit to The Centre’s (for technology and values) Norman R. Ball loyalty test.

Wanted: Thinkpol/Censor Qualifications: Must be offended by the following: scunt; scuntgod; the concept of frosh
week; beer; the letter x; the words pub and bar; sex; topics only mildly relating to sex; any values that are not your own;
beer; things that you don’t understand; things that could conceivably given the right circumstances make someone
mildly sort of uncomfortable, people, time of day, correct alignment of planets ; FUN.
Contact: Catherine.Scott@minitru-doubleplusgoodthinkers.gov
- Diogenes
Awww, did someone fail STV 202? If you want to say “Fuck Catherine Scott” just say “Fuck Catherine Scott”

Wanted: New name. Whining Loser just doesn’t convey the dignity and respect it once did. Besides, the Noods editors
have clearly usurped the title. (Hang in there asoc. Who wants to pay for this shit when these knobs do it for free?)

Dendrophiliac seeks same- lets go for some long walks in the woods, baby! Seriously. Whining_loser@hotmail.com.
Female knockout requires man with worldly outlook, solid social skills and good posture unobsessed with beer and
numbered leather jackets. Must agree to call me “Madame President” in bed and have basic spelling skills (Jelous?
Please.) Engineers need not apply, obviously.
Wanted: One masculine chin. Willing to exchange oversized Adam’s apple, rake-like frame. Contact supertool B-lister-Prez
MarryMeWhiteley Just me, OK, Dave Clegg, Please come quick!
Wanted: One public, anonymous forum for libellous poems printed for free and distributed by someone else who’ll take
the heat. Wait a minute....
There once was a lass named Leanne Whiteley
Who frolicked and gambolled quite prettily
I thought her virtue assured
Until one night she purred
”I swallow for ten but I spit free”
(Whining Loser)

There’s always room for bad poetry. But, since you want a new name, I hereby dub thee
FuckWithEvenMoreTimeOnHisHandsThanUs!

CONTEST
Time to go back to the wellspring. Send in your best Dave Clegg insults.
Submit HAT to noods02@hotmail.com for FREE

WERE YOU OFFENDED?

If you were offended by this week’s enginoods, we want to hear about it. Send your flames, death threats, and porn to:

noods02@hotmail.com
If we publish your letter, you’ll get a FREE HAT & P**5 points! We at the Enginoods value your suggestions, and this
shit won’t get any better unless you tell us what to change. Thank you for your time. Hope to hear from you soon.

“Why are we walking like this?”