You are on page 1of 4

ENGINOODS

THE

“We ain’t affilliated with nobody”

The REAL History of Andre the Giant Day
For those of you who have been living under a rock, (or at least not in POETS) Andre the
Giant once drank 120 beers in one sitting (and he finished it off with a bottle of red wine.)

So you think you’re a big man now. Your class has had an Andre the Giant day and you feel
so proud. So proud in fact that you need to write about it in the I. Ron Warrior. Well, let me
tell you kids a little story ‘bout the history of the big guy’s special day.

Back in the fall of the year 1999, PVU hosted the first Andre the Giant day (complete with
Princess Bride). The day was designed to promote drinking and socializing between class
members. (or in other words, dragging the shy fucks out from their studies to drink!) 126
beers later (with the help of a friendly bartender in Chem,) POETS was closed, some bread
was tossed around, and some really thirsty Electricals went out to find more beer. Along the
way, the all important bottle of red wine was consumed thus completing the prophecy. This
was the first of a once a term event which eventually spawned Liverpalooza (for details ask a
member PVU). Throughout this period, PVU was the only class
having Andre the giant days. Other classes created their own
traditions. There was an attempt by the Civil’s on A-soc to try to
throw an engineering wide Andre, but it failed miserably. This was
because A-soc didn’t drink. (And still doesn’t, but you guys are
improving.)

Interestingly, Andre the Giant days occurred only once a term. There
still was a PBD rivalry, but there never was any need to claim a
special day anytime somebody wanted to drink. On Thursdays and
Fridays, if you wanted a beer, you could get one. Total were usually
around 50 or 60 beers consumed by a few of the classes, depend-
ing on assignments and midterms. So this of course begs the
question: Why do you people have to declare it an Andre day if you
plan on drinking more than 10 beers? Why don’t you just drink
because you can? Why are you tarnishing the magic of having one
Andre a term? (Oh and thank you Softies for showing everybody
Ryan Walker saultes the Noods!
Ryan is buying YOU one free beer in POETS that Civil can be out drunk by Mathies.)
today. Just tell the bartender to charge it to
his tab. (Free hat not included.)

THE ENGINOODS INVADE THE INTERNET!
http://www3.sympatico.ca/enginoods
And you thought that the internet was safe for children and pedophiles...
If anybody has a better place we can store these, please let us know! Many free hats for you!

“A-B-C. A-Always, B-Be, C-Closing. Always be closing, always be closing.”
STUPID STUPID STUPID
With a stupid caption underneath.

PBD TOTALS
Year Class Class Name Totals
2A Civ Pyrotechnic Timbit Express 300 I love your new name!
1A Civ Full Tilt 284 Your mission is to drink more than the Timbits.
2A Software SE-Xperts 215 Softies and Beer... Who’d a thunk it?
3B Civ MaCiv Plumb Gaytarded Bobs 113 Looks like you guys are going to be bested by
two different frosh classes!
1A Mech (4) Frosh (4) 110 Drink (4) beers to achieve enlightenment.
3B Comp ComESutra.sucks 99 Once again, proving that comps can’t drink.
Other Ringed Beerbarons 91 “No you won’t!”
3B Mech Rolstons 63 3B’s should be depressed. Drink more.
1A Chem More Frosh 53 You take frementation in 4th year, so it’s ok
that you didn’t drink that much as frosh.
From childhood’s hour I have not been
As others were; I have not seen
As others saw; I could not bring
My passions from a common spring.
From the same source I have not taken
My sorrow; I could not awaken
My heart to joy at the same tone;
And all I loved, I loved alone.
Then- in my childhood, in the dawn
Of a most stormy life- was drawn
From every depth of good and ill
The mystery which binds me still:
From the torrent, or the fountain,
From the red cliff of the mountain,
From the sun that round me rolled
In its autumn tint of gold,
From the lightning in the sky
As it passed me flying by,
From the thunder and the storm,
And the cloud that took the form
(When the rest of Heaven was blue)
Of a demon in my view.
HA! We just got you to read some poetry! That right! Good old fashion poetry. It’s called “Alone” and is by Edgar
Alan Poe. Get this, we actually made you read something educational! How can you look at yourself in the mirror
after that?! For more poetry you fucking pansy, find your local library (it’s that big ugly cube in the middle of campus),
go up to the front desk and say “Hi. I’m in Engineering and I’ve never been in here before. Where might I be able to
find some po-e-tr-y?” They will of course direct you to either the Davis Centre for some poetry about mathamatics or
to a mental hospital with no art or windows for re-alignment.

READER REPLIES TO OUR MAIL
This is to Diogenes. In your rant insult about Dave Clegg, you made baby
seal clubbing sound like a bad thing. What’s up with that?
(J. Jonah Jameson)
The Saskatchewan Seal Hunt is still going on to this day. Will somebody think of the baby seals? (And turn them into
nice seal skin jackets.)

“Free Hats are for closers!”
OOPS! DID WE OFFEND YOU?
The funny part is, it wasn’t civils that wrote in!
HEY COCKSUCKERS,

Your fuckin magazine makes me want to puke up the disgusting slice of campus pizza i just ate.

Are you sure that’s not just the pizza? It was shitty pizza back when it was Gino’s, and it’s even shittier now.

If I have to read the same mental diahreah for one more week in a row I am going to VOMIT! My nine year old brother and his
perverted friends could publish a better fuckin magazine in my mom’s basement.

Prove it fuckwad. There’s not a nine year old on earth that can use the word fuck this fucking well. It takes years of fucking practice to
develop a Mammet-fucking-esque symbiosis with this sort of fucking profanity.

I ran out of toilet paper this week so i stocked up of copies of NOODS and wiped my ass with Dave Clegg’s caricature everyday this
week...

Isn’t it funny that now it’s Clegg giving the rim job. And watch
out for the staples…

and are you sure Fanboy’s name isn’t “Funboy”? because you
funboys are all so busy oraly pleasuring eachother that you
seem to have no time to write a few good pages....

What the fuck is that supposed to mean? I’ll just pretend that
you make some sort of sense though, and say “Fuck you.”

Ok ok since i’m so nice i tossed you a submission (see
attached file) and also quit begging for sumbissions.. i’ve heard
enough begging from your mother... try giving people ideas
about what to send it. The Clegg limerick contest was good...
What about a chalenge to see who can send in the most
Politically Incorect jokes.......

Ok cocklicks that’s enough for now......

Where’s my FREE FUCKIN’ HAT??
(Athena Athena)

You want ideas about what to send? Try looking at the bottom of the last page every fucking week! Have you even read the last nine
fucking issues? Why not try reading one of those issues before you wipe your ass with it-the noods makes great bathroom reading!
Cement
Oh, and thanks for writting!
Editors

HEY, wHat tHE fuCk was up witH dEdiCating aLL of pagE 3 to CiviLs? WHo tHE fuCk givEs a sHit about tHEm anYwaY? WHY
don’t You piCk on REaLLY gaYtaRdEd pEopLE, LikE fuCking ComEsutRa? HavE You sEEn tHEiR wEbsitE? THosE fuCks spEnd
aLL daY spanking tHE monkEY to intERnEt poRn ... wHY ELsE wouLd tHEY LikE ComputERs so fuCking muCH? ComputERs ...
fuCking no good piECEs of motHERfuCking sHit ... and YEs I undERstand tHE iRonY of wRiting tHis on a ComputER. WELL ...
fuCk You! HERE’s tHE fiRst aCCuRatE Look insidE YouR bRain. I’LL givE You somE CREdit ... it is BIGGER tHan a CiviL’s bRain
... wHining bastaRds tHEY aRE. But REaLLY, it’s fiLLEd witH sHit tHat’s LEss usEfuL tHan an ExtRa bungHoLE ... exCEpt foR
miLk. How did You jERks EvEn gEt into
EnginEERing?
(Cheryll Blowya). Dumbass Buzzwords NOODS Brains
A tasty snack for all occasions
Free hat
Wow, this is almost too fucking easy… Where to start? Steaktastic
First of all, we tried to figure out what the fuck this said, Gaytarded
since there must be some sort of reason that there are Subjects of your wet dreams
Milk Fist fucking Grandma
all those random fucking capital letters. We thought
Hot girls
that there might be a hidden code or something, but no, Girls who'll do you
Random Floating Shit
it turns out that you’re just a stupid fuck (either that, or Any girls
there’s an epileptic monkey hammering on the Caps Goats Dave Clegg Dicks small enough
to fuck concrete
Lock key). Here’s one question: Why milk? Actually,
we don’t care. BEER
Thanks for the input!
Editors

“Fuck the machine, fuck the machine, FUCK THE MACHINE!!”
Pollster’s Page of Polling Phun
Or where we pretend that your opinions matter
Gimp Vs. Gimp
Who cares? Am I supposed to know even who they are?
(night sky)

Well. You are in Engineering so you should have an in-depth understanding of this persistent battle. To put it simply, this is just another version of the
battle between the Jock and the Nerd. Some people believe that the Jock just simply wanders though life using all the amenities produced by the Nerd,
however there is a counter argument in which the Nerd couldn’t create these things without the Jock’s protection. But if the Nerd doesn’t pay the Jock for
this protection, he extracts his payment with violence. This mafia like attitude might work in the high school, but one would hope that the Nerd would get
his revenge later in life. We all believe that this is the way that the world balances itself out in the long run. It is a shame however, that this is not usually
the case. Sure there exists the occasional Nerd who has broken out from the pack, like Bill Gates for example, but only by taking on the Jock’s attitude to
heart in business. He doesn’t wait like everyone else for his free hat in life, but creates it on his own and then steals hats from everybody else. Hopefully,
this clarifies who would win this ongoing battle between artistry and science. Two relatively analogous viewpoints which are always placed on diametri-
cally opposed sides but only when combined do we stand a chance of achieving a greater future for mankind.

Since both parties are wheel chair bound the only fair way to settle this would be a game of chicken (fig. 1).
Stephen Hawking would obviously be strapped to a solid fuel rocket booster and Christopher reeve to his
beloved horse. Reeve’s horse would balk at the prospect of facing a wheelchaired physicist hurtling at him
at over 100m/s thus knocking the rider off (fig. 2). Hawking’s victory would be short lived, as solid fuel
rockets can’t be stopped. His fiery death would light up the battle ground for all to see (fig. 3).
(Diogenes)

Wow. You actually thought this through. You get a free hat for the picture alone, but we’re taking it away for
not using proper IEEE references within your dissertation.

My vote’s for Stephen Hawking. Surely he could use his super genius skills to outwit some totally
incapacitated actor. On the other hand, Reeve supposedly has tingling sensations in his fingers sometimes,
so that could be the edge he needs. If we were talking not about Hawking and Reeve, but Hawking and
Kent, of course things would be very different. Kent could use his super-powered tongue or something and
that would be it. Then he’d move on to your mom. Anyway, the similarities between Hawking and a
superman-style arch villain are striking, don’t you think? A super genius grotesquely distorted sending out his murderous minions from a wheelchair...
You see an unthinkable tragedy befalling a great noble genius of our time, I see a giant rip-off of the plot and characterization of JLA# 315 (Collector’s
Edition).
(Whining Loser)

I’m curious how you managed to see such a rip-off, since JLA #315 has yet to be published. The original Justice League of America started in November
of 1960, and ran until issue 261 in April of 1987. The series was resurrected later that year as Justice League International, but the name was changed to
Justice League America as of issue #26 (may 1989), and stayed that way until the series was ended in August of 1996 at issue number 113. Finally, in
1997 JLA was brought into a third volume, which is currently on its 75th issue. By this logic, we can only surmise that at some point in the future (if the
current series runs continuously and on schedule, approximately 20 years from now) a DC writer will plagiarize our work for their comic (assuming that
you, through some miracle of time travel were able to acquire said comic). Thank you for pointing this out to us, as we’re now prepared to sue the shit
out of DC Comics in 20 years.

Contest: Drink more than 20 beers in POETS without declaring it an Andre.
Give us your best insults directed towards non-engineering faculties.
Submit your captive HATs to noods02@hotmail.com to be FREE of them.

WERE YOU OFFENDED?
If you were offended by this week’s enginoods, we want to hear about it. Send your flames, death threats, and porn to:

noods02@hotmail.com
If we publish your letter, you’ll get a FREE HAT & P**5 points! We at the Enginoods value your suggestions, and this
shit won’t get any better unless you tell us what to change. Thank you for your time. Hope to hear from you soon.
Nobody ever reads the fine print on these anymore. If you did catch this, you might just have won a free hat!

“We’re adding a little something to this month’s sales contest. As you all
know, first prize is a Cadillac Eldorado. Anybody want to see second prize?“

Related Interests