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“We ain’t affilliated with nobody”
The REAL History of Andre the Giant Day
For those of you who have been living under a rock, (or at least not in POETS) Andre the Giant once drank 120 beers in one sitting (and he finished it off with a bottle of red wine.) So you think you’re a big man now. Your class has had an Andre the Giant day and you feel so proud. So proud in fact that you need to write about it in the I. Ron Warrior. Well, let me tell you kids a little story ‘bout the history of the big guy’s special day. Back in the fall of the year 1999, PVU hosted the first Andre the Giant day (complete with Princess Bride). The day was designed to promote drinking and socializing between class members. (or in other words, dragging the shy fucks out from their studies to drink!) 126 beers later (with the help of a friendly bartender in Chem,) POETS was closed, some bread was tossed around, and some really thirsty Electricals went out to find more beer. Along the way, the all important bottle of red wine was consumed thus completing the prophecy. This was the first of a once a term event which eventually spawned Liverpalooza (for details ask a member PVU). Throughout this period, PVU was the only class having Andre the giant days. Other classes created their own traditions. There was an attempt by the Civil’s on A-soc to try to throw an engineering wide Andre, but it failed miserably. This was because A-soc didn’t drink. (And still doesn’t, but you guys are improving.) Interestingly, Andre the Giant days occurred only once a term. There still was a PBD rivalry, but there never was any need to claim a special day anytime somebody wanted to drink. On Thursdays and Fridays, if you wanted a beer, you could get one. Total were usually around 50 or 60 beers consumed by a few of the classes, depending on assignments and midterms. So this of course begs the question: Why do you people have to declare it an Andre day if you plan on drinking more than 10 beers? Why don’t you just drink because you can? Why are you tarnishing the magic of having one Andre a term? (Oh and thank you Softies for showing everybody Ryan Walker saultes the Noods! Ryan is buying YOU one free beer in POETS that Civil can be out drunk by Mathies.)
today. Just tell the bartender to charge it to his tab. (Free hat not included.)
THE ENGINOODS INVADE THE INTERNET!
And you thought that the internet was safe for children and pedophiles... If anybody has a better place we can store these, please let us know! Many free hats for you!
“A-B-C. A-Always, B-Be, C-Closing. Always be closing, always be closing.”
STUPID STUPID STUPID
With a stupid caption underneath.
Year 2A 1A 2A 3B 1A 3B Other 3B 1A Class Civ Civ Software Civ Mech (4) Comp Ringed Mech Chem Class Name Pyrotechnic Timbit Express Full Tilt SE-Xperts MaCiv Plumb Gaytarded Bobs Frosh (4) ComESutra.sucks Beerbarons Rolstons More Frosh Totals 300 284 215 113 110 99 91 63 53 I love your new name! Your mission is to drink more than the Timbits. Softies and Beer... Who’d a thunk it? Looks like you guys are going to be bested by two different frosh classes! Drink (4) beers to achieve enlightenment. Once again, proving that comps can’t drink. “No you won’t!” 3B’s should be depressed. Drink more. You take frementation in 4th year, so it’s ok that you didn’t drink that much as frosh.
From childhood’s hour I have not been As others were; I have not seen As others saw; I could not bring My passions from a common spring. From the same source I have not taken My sorrow; I could not awaken My heart to joy at the same tone; And all I loved, I loved alone. Then- in my childhood, in the dawn Of a most stormy life- was drawn From every depth of good and ill The mystery which binds me still: From the torrent, or the fountain, From the red cliff of the mountain, From the sun that round me rolled In its autumn tint of gold, From the lightning in the sky As it passed me flying by, From the thunder and the storm, And the cloud that took the form (When the rest of Heaven was blue) Of a demon in my view. HA! We just got you to read some poetry! That right! Good old fashion poetry. It’s called “Alone” and is by Edgar Alan Poe. Get this, we actually made you read something educational! How can you look at yourself in the mirror after that?! For more poetry you fucking pansy, find your local library (it’s that big ugly cube in the middle of campus), go up to the front desk and say “Hi. I’m in Engineering and I’ve never been in here before. Where might I be able to find some po-e-tr-y?” They will of course direct you to either the Davis Centre for some poetry about mathamatics or to a mental hospital with no art or windows for re-alignment.
READER REPLIES TO OUR MAIL
This is to Diogenes. In your rant insult about Dave Clegg, you made baby seal clubbing sound like a bad thing. What’s up with that? (J. Jonah Jameson) The Saskatchewan Seal Hunt is still going on to this day. Will somebody think of the baby seals? (And turn them into nice seal skin jackets.)
“Free Hats are for closers!”
OOPS! DID WE OFFEND YOU?
The funny part is, it wasn’t civils that wrote in!
HEY COCKSUCKERS, Your fuckin magazine makes me want to puke up the disgusting slice of campus pizza i just ate. Are you sure that’s not just the pizza? It was shitty pizza back when it was Gino’s, and it’s even shittier now. If I have to read the same mental diahreah for one more week in a row I am going to VOMIT! My nine year old brother and his perverted friends could publish a better fuckin magazine in my mom’s basement. Prove it fuckwad. There’s not a nine year old on earth that can use the word fuck this fucking well. It takes years of fucking practice to develop a Mammet-fucking-esque symbiosis with this sort of fucking profanity. I ran out of toilet paper this week so i stocked up of copies of NOODS and wiped my ass with Dave Clegg’s caricature everyday this week... Isn’t it funny that now it’s Clegg giving the rim job. And watch out for the staples… and are you sure Fanboy’s name isn’t “Funboy”? because you funboys are all so busy oraly pleasuring eachother that you seem to have no time to write a few good pages.... What the fuck is that supposed to mean? I’ll just pretend that you make some sort of sense though, and say “Fuck you.” Ok ok since i’m so nice i tossed you a submission (see attached file) and also quit begging for sumbissions.. i’ve heard enough begging from your mother... try giving people ideas about what to send it. The Clegg limerick contest was good... What about a chalenge to see who can send in the most Politically Incorect jokes....... Ok cocklicks that’s enough for now...... Where’s my FREE FUCKIN’ HAT?? (Athena Athena) You want ideas about what to send? Try looking at the bottom of the last page every fucking week! Have you even read the last nine fucking issues? Why not try reading one of those issues before you wipe your ass with it-the noods makes great bathroom reading! Oh, and thanks for writting! Editors
HEY, wHat tHE fuCk was up witH dEdiCating aLL of pagE 3 to CiviLs? WHo tHE fuCk givEs a sHit about tHEm anYwaY? WHY don’t You piCk on REaLLY gaYtaRdEd pEopLE, LikE fuCking ComEsutRa? HavE You sEEn tHEiR wEbsitE? THosE fuCks spEnd aLL daY spanking tHE monkEY to intERnEt poRn ... wHY ELsE wouLd tHEY LikE ComputERs so fuCking muCH? ComputERs ... fuCking no good piECEs of motHERfuCking sHit ... and YEs I undERstand tHE iRonY of wRiting tHis on a ComputER. WELL ... fuCk You! HERE’s tHE fiRst aCCuRatE Look insidE YouR bRain. I’LL givE You somE CREdit ... it is BIGGER tHan a CiviL’s bRain ... wHining bastaRds tHEY aRE. But REaLLY, it’s fiLLEd witH sHit tHat’s LEss usEfuL tHan an ExtRa bungHoLE ... exCEpt foR miLk. How did You jERks EvEn gEt into EnginEERing? Dumbass Buzzwords NOODS Brains (Cheryll Blowya). Wow, this is almost too fucking easy… Where to start? First of all, we tried to figure out what the fuck this said, since there must be some sort of reason that there are all those random fucking capital letters. We thought that there might be a hidden code or something, but no, it turns out that you’re just a stupid fuck (either that, or there’s an epileptic monkey hammering on the Caps Lock key). Here’s one question: Why milk? Actually, we don’t care. Thanks for the input! Editors
Free hat Steaktastic Gaytarded A tasty snack for all occasions
Subjects of your wet dreams Hot girls Girls who'll do you Any girls Goats
Fist fucking Grandma
Random Floating Shit
Dave Clegg BEER
Dicks small enough to fuck concrete
“Fuck the machine, fuck the machine, FUCK THE MACHINE!!”
Pollster’s Page of Polling Phun
Or where we pretend that your opinions matter
Gimp Vs. Gimp
Who cares? Am I supposed to know even who they are? (night sky) Well. You are in Engineering so you should have an in-depth understanding of this persistent battle. To put it simply, this is just another version of the battle between the Jock and the Nerd. Some people believe that the Jock just simply wanders though life using all the amenities produced by the Nerd, however there is a counter argument in which the Nerd couldn’t create these things without the Jock’s protection. But if the Nerd doesn’t pay the Jock for this protection, he extracts his payment with violence. This mafia like attitude might work in the high school, but one would hope that the Nerd would get his revenge later in life. We all believe that this is the way that the world balances itself out in the long run. It is a shame however, that this is not usually the case. Sure there exists the occasional Nerd who has broken out from the pack, like Bill Gates for example, but only by taking on the Jock’s attitude to heart in business. He doesn’t wait like everyone else for his free hat in life, but creates it on his own and then steals hats from everybody else. Hopefully, this clarifies who would win this ongoing battle between artistry and science. Two relatively analogous viewpoints which are always placed on diametrically opposed sides but only when combined do we stand a chance of achieving a greater future for mankind. Since both parties are wheel chair bound the only fair way to settle this would be a game of chicken (fig. 1). Stephen Hawking would obviously be strapped to a solid fuel rocket booster and Christopher reeve to his beloved horse. Reeve’s horse would balk at the prospect of facing a wheelchaired physicist hurtling at him at over 100m/s thus knocking the rider off (fig. 2). Hawking’s victory would be short lived, as solid fuel rockets can’t be stopped. His fiery death would light up the battle ground for all to see (fig. 3). (Diogenes) Wow. You actually thought this through. You get a free hat for the picture alone, but we’re taking it away for not using proper IEEE references within your dissertation. My vote’s for Stephen Hawking. Surely he could use his super genius skills to outwit some totally incapacitated actor. On the other hand, Reeve supposedly has tingling sensations in his fingers sometimes, so that could be the edge he needs. If we were talking not about Hawking and Reeve, but Hawking and Kent, of course things would be very different. Kent could use his super-powered tongue or something and that would be it. Then he’d move on to your mom. Anyway, the similarities between Hawking and a superman-style arch villain are striking, don’t you think? A super genius grotesquely distorted sending out his murderous minions from a wheelchair... You see an unthinkable tragedy befalling a great noble genius of our time, I see a giant rip-off of the plot and characterization of JLA# 315 (Collector’s Edition). (Whining Loser) I’m curious how you managed to see such a rip-off, since JLA #315 has yet to be published. The original Justice League of America started in November of 1960, and ran until issue 261 in April of 1987. The series was resurrected later that year as Justice League International, but the name was changed to Justice League America as of issue #26 (may 1989), and stayed that way until the series was ended in August of 1996 at issue number 113. Finally, in 1997 JLA was brought into a third volume, which is currently on its 75th issue. By this logic, we can only surmise that at some point in the future (if the current series runs continuously and on schedule, approximately 20 years from now) a DC writer will plagiarize our work for their comic (assuming that you, through some miracle of time travel were able to acquire said comic). Thank you for pointing this out to us, as we’re now prepared to sue the shit out of DC Comics in 20 years.
Contest: Drink more than 20 beers in POETS without declaring it an Andre. Give us your best insults directed towards non-engineering faculties. Submit your captive HATs to firstname.lastname@example.org to be FREE of them.
If you were offended by this week’s enginoods, we want to hear about it. Send your flames, death threats, and porn to:
If we publish your letter, you’ll get a FREE HAT & P**5 points! We at the Enginoods value your suggestions, and this shit won’t get any better unless you tell us what to change. Thank you for your time. Hope to hear from you soon. Nobody ever reads the fine print on these anymore. If you did catch this, you might just have won a free hat!
WERE YOU OFFENDED? email@example.com
“We’re adding a little something to this month’s sales contest. As you all know, first prize is a Cadillac Eldorado. Anybody want to see second prize?“
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