“ SCANDALOUS ELECTION SECRETS THAT SECRETS THAT THE CANDIDATES CANDIDATES DIDN’T WANT KNOW” YOU TO KNOW ” See

Page 3
“We ain’t affilliated with nobody”
Volume 4, Issue 4

Inside:

Noods’ Election Spetactulaaaaar
Fan-fucking-tastic. As if that farce of an election in the States wasn't bad enough (Damn that Turd Sandwich!), we now have to endure yet another thrilling display of student apathy - the 2004 EngSoc Election. And in keeping with the age-old A-Soc tradition, no one fucking cares - not even the candidates. That's right folks, only two positions are up for grabs this time - Rejoice in Democracy! Check out the sorry fucking competition: President: Nick Lawler (3B Civ) As if the fact that four positions are acclaimed isn't bad enough, the President is a fucking Civ. Let's see how long it takes before the Orifice is filled with fucking cement - that's right, not concrete, CEMENT. VP Education: Jonathan Fishbein (3B SE) vs. Melinda Hurd (2B Chem) Holy shit, some competition! This could be a real tight one folks - oh wait, it's VPEd, no one gives a shit. Go back to the IW, Fish. VP External: Jason Jagodich (2B Geo) WHOA! A GEO?!?! What fucking hole in the ground did you come from? Oh, that’s right, a non-civ from 36. Traitor. VP Finance: Sabrina Giovinazzo (2A Chem) vs. Marc Joyce (3B SE) vs. Adam Schubert (2B Elec) A threesome - finally, some ACTION! The two guys should be so lucky - as for the chick: you can do better. This competition should be something like King of the Ring. Actually, this is going to be nothing like King of the Ring. VP Internal: Mike Buczkowski (2B Chem) Rumour has it that Pat Brown was going to run against this guy, but then only 3 positions would be acclaimed - heaven fucking forfend! Instead, you fucks get the guy from Monster Inc. WEEF: Katherine Chiang (3B Env. Chem) One of the more worthwhile positions and it's been claimed by a person in a department that doesn't exist. Does anyone else see a bit of irony in this? Well FUCK THIS SHIT!!! We here at the Noods wish to bring forth unto this Engineering Society a new voice! One that will truly represent the wants and needs of UW Engineers: IAGREE WITH NUTSY!!! That's right, people. He's stronger, he's drunker, and his Balls are Bigger Than EVER!

So remember - On November 24th, Make Your Vote Count! Write in NUTSY the SQUIRREL for PRESIDENT!
This is not a new thing. Nutsy actually has a history of being a write-in candidate for prez (and all the other positions too). This goes back at least 20 years. Really. We’re not fucking lying. Go ask an alumnus, he’ll tell you all about the glory days of Nutsy and when the Engsoc elections were actually decided by who was a better boat racer. You don’t think that this write in vote will help? Well then who is Lawler campaigning against? Why is he putting posters up? Because he’s afraid of the Big Salty Balls of Nutsy!

THE ENGINOODS INVADE THE INTERNET!
http://enginoods.dnsalias.org
And you thought that the internet was safe for children, nutbags and pedophiles...

“I was raped by Mister Mistoffelees.”

Just about everything you see in POETS has been donated by a graduating class including: the bar, the shades, the audio-visual system, the projector and the students

POETS FACT

POETS Bottle Drive: Check the wall in POETS ya fucking idiot. A Letter to All POETS Patrons
Hey YOU, Yeah I'm talking to YOU. The reason why I say YOU is cause we don't know your fucking name. YOU you and your friends and the ones like YOU are the motherfucking idiots who buy your beer in POETS, drink up and don't tell Amanda what god damn class you are in to be counted in the PBD. I've seen YOU and how you do it...you finish you beer, get your shit ready and make your move. You do it when somebody else is ordering a beer or there a voracious bunch of jackasses at the bar being so loud you can't hear the movie-of-the-day. You're calm and collected like Professor X, but a hell of a lot more mobile and a fuckload less intelligent. You walk up, drop off the bottle and walk out. YOU don't say nuthin, and you risk getting you ass kicked by half of the bar crew if we hunt you down. If we have to ask you for your class you are just as good as an Idiot to those at the bar. Those at the bar have a lot better things to do than worry about random empty bottles appearing and trying to keep track of them or wondering just exactly how many they've drunk that day. Let me explain to you that they have been serving beer in POETS for a fucking long time and there's a little thing called the PBD, or the POETS Bottle Drive to which keeps track of all of the Beer drunk in POETS each Thursday and Friday. Most actually care about being counted in the PBD, hell, even if you aren't on the sheet we'll make up a spot just so that you can be counted. To help all of YOU out there please go to the Orifice, photocopy this form, fill out the following form, sign it, bring it up to the bar, Order a beer, Chug it, return the bottle to Amanda, smash your head onto the bar counter, announce your term and program, or your class name if you have actually chosen one, and then hand the paper to Amanda so that she and the rest of the bar knows you are no longer an Idiot. Name: ____________________________________ Program:__________________________________ Favorite Beer: [] Waterloo Dark [] Canadian [] Moosehead I hereby understand that I will return my beer to the bar and make sureCENSORED the POETS Bottle it is counted in Drive. Signed, ___________________________________ Disclaimer, If you actually fill this out and attempt to follows its instructions you will be laughed at immensely and will be relegated to self-satisfaction as the big fucking mark on you head will preclude you from getting any action from anyone. Cheers all you fuckheads, CaptCrunch

“I'll drill two holes in your dick so that when you take a piss, it goes in all different directions!”

THIRD PAGE OF NUTSY!
All hail the balls of Nutsy! Vote Nutsy for Prez!

We Killed Byron!
Due to an overwhelming amount of traffic by our loyal Noods readers at the "I Agree With Byron" website, the Campus Crusade for Christ has decided to close down their forum because "the campaign is over". The Editorial staff here at the Noods believes that the CCC realized that they're full of shit. And it's not just Byron who's running away with his tail between his legs (and his head up his ass) - Jamie and Dave from the other "i Agree With" sites at Queens and McMaster have all locked their forums so that no one may discuss how truly fucked up they are. As a result of the campaign's "completion", there will be no more shitty chalk graffiti all over campus. You are also allowed to punch anyone wearing one of those retarded Thumbs Up T-shirts right in the fucking gut (or in the 'nads if you like to fight dirty). Yes, the Noods has done a great service to the world yet again. First we take Manhattan, then we take Berlin!

Dirty Little Secrets:
We at the noods belive in quality journalism. To prove this, we went undercover, and undercovers to discover the skeletons in the closets of all your Engsoc candidates. Of course, as you all well know, we don’t actually do any real investigations because we’re fucking lazy. So here’s a bunch of fucking lies. In this exclusive, we print what nobody else will. The complete untruths. Seriously, could you vote for any of these candidates now?

Nick Lawler: The president-elect is a pedophile, and not the "happy-looking-at-child-porn" type - the "actively-making-child-porn" type. 7-year-old Marcus Jenkins exclusively told the Noods "he touched me in funny places and then offered me ice cream. the ice cream was kinda salty and kinda clumpy and warm. I didn't like it much." Do you really want somebody with this type of background to be your Prez? Does he have the balls that Nutsy does? Nusty will stand up to the adminitration! After all, clearly, Lawler also really likes Nusty’s balls. Jonathan Fishbein: Fishbein is a Serial Killer. He hides it quite well with a calm exterior, but inside, he is a cauldron of hate. He has already been linked to 237 murders, but without evidence, the police cannot actually arrest him. For example, his 1B calculus TA disappeared after he accidentially marked a question wrong on "The Fish"'s midterm. The poor TA turned up 2 years later at the bottom of Columbia Lake when they drained it for the winter. His body was covered with incorrectly marked math questions that were cut into him with a knife. Melinda Hurd watch out! Melinda Hurd: Speaking of Melinda Hurd. She actually used to be a guy. Extreme amounts of plastic sugery and hormone treatments have created her new body. Melvin, who always dreamed of being part of the Canadian Synchronized Swimming Team, realized that his only way of achieving this goal was to become a woman. Alas, he/she still went into engineering when it found out that there was no real money in the glamourous world of synchronized swimming. And after all, your chance of getting a scholarship in Engineering are much higher if you’re a fucking chick. Jason Jagodich: Jason Jagodich doesn't really exist, and is just a figment of your imagination, or a collective hallucination brought on by bad cookies from the C&D. By no means should you even acknowledge him. The only way these things will go away is if you will them to. If he tries to speak to you, then making comments about the there being a little wind should be enough to keep the illusion at bay. You can beat this thing, one day at a time. Marc Joyce: Marc Joyce when not embezzling funds from WorldCom can be seen frequenting local brothels in his Cadillac which is described by observers as being all about the 'bling'. His plans for the Engsoc budget include diverting funds to help Russian gun runners and funding seminars on the creation of slush funds for co-op students. He says, like all good politicians, he will work to privatize all of Engsoc’s functions, including course critiques, photocopiers, fax machine, novelty shop, old exam database and charitable donations. Sabrina Giovinazzo: Sabs is planning on supplementing Engsoc finances with the revenues gained from her basement drug lab. As the area's largest producer of Ex, Amphetamines, refined heroin and the best crystal meth (trust us), Sags plans on expanding distribution using her new connections with the University, and access to the Engsoc line of credit. On top of this, she is hopelessly addicted to snuff. This addiction is overpowering and consumes her every waking minute, she has missed exams due to snuff overdoses. Adam Schubert: Adam was president of his high school baby seal clubbing society, and captain of their varsity rape team. So he comes to the position of fucking with other people against their will. He's also not afraid to get his hands dirty. His alternate campaign slogan to the crappy “cash-money” one was “She was asking for it.” Mike Buczkowski: Mike Buczkowski (Wazowski) has been quoted as saying "If I had a dollar for every time I ran over small school children in a tank I'd be a very rich man". In addition to his child killing policies Mike also participates in bizarre rituals every friday night at 9 (8 central) where he invokes the powers of his dark master Baal. If you’re interested, he’s looking for some virgins to ‘assist’ with his next ritual sacrifice. The solstice is, after all, just around the corner. Katherine Chiang: Not only did Katherine Chiang sell poisoned milk to school children, (yes, all the exec hate school children), but she goes a little bit futher. We have it on good authority that she also likes to fatten up and cook the tastiest of the children she plans on poisoning. Her favorite cannibalistic recipies include: Mac & Cheese & Babies; Virgin Soylent Green; Little Boy Stroganoff; Baby Boy Prairie Oysters; Chilled Kindergarten Brains and Kinder-Suprise!

“Gary is the kind of man that understands, when you put another man's cock in your mouth, you make a pact.”

The Enginoods:
We’re the paper that rings the doorbell of respectable journalism and then runs aways.
Submissions (by the submissive)!
Fucking Bathroom Etiquette So you're having a few drinks in POETS, of course you are, but then you have to break the fucking seal. You tip your stool, so that some fuckhead won't steal it on you, and weave your way to the nearest bathroom. You get there, but some other drunken bastard is already in there. What the fuck do you do? 1) If he's taking a shit, completely ignore the fuck as if he wasn't there. You know you'd want the same if you were on the shitter and some drunk stumbled in. 2) If he's taking a piss, give the man some fucking room. If the pisser is so busy there are no non-adjacent urinals, use a fucking stall. 3) If you know the fucker in the bathroom, only talk to him while doing the same bloody activity, i.e. if he's washing up, don't talk with a penis in your hand. 4) Flush, you dirty bastards. There's nothing more disgusting then fucking stale urine. 5) Wash your fucking hands, you dirty bastards. You're going to touch your beer bottle with that hand. Do you want the taste of cock on your lips? For you Engirls? Well, the first three points don't apply, since you always travel in fucking gangs. So what the fuck can I say? How about: 1) Don't be a stingy bitch. Even if you hate the chick in the next stalls guts, it's no fun having a shitty ass or wet crotch. So spare a fucking square. 2) Be like the fucking marines! Never leave a man, or in this fucking case, woman behind. 3) Have a heart. None of us guys really know why the hell you bathroom in packs. Blow our minds some day and invite us along or tell us why! by: Beer Baron Champ Ed: Not bad. Perhaps next time you can drink a bit more before writing! Here are two more to complete the article: 4) Don't take your sweet ass time in there - get the fuck in and get the fuck out. Just cuz you don't have the same "equipment" as the rest of fucking Engineering and gotta sit down don't fucking mean you can monopolize the fucking throne - lines are fucking annoying, you know! 5) I know there's always the irresistible urge to have some sexy lesbian shit going on in there, but at least be fucking kind enough to let some of the guys in on it. There are so few joys in life - just let us in on the pornucopia of hot girl-on-girl orgy love once in a while. Is that really so much to ask?

Poem of the Week:
We're dicks! We're reckless, arrogant, stupid dicks. And the Film Actors Guild are pussies. And Kim Jong Il is an asshole. Pussies don't like dicks because pussies get fucked by dicks. But dicks also fuck assholes. Assholes that just want to shit on everything. Pussies may think they can deal with assholes their way. But the only thing that can fuck a asshole is a dick, with some balls. The problem with dicks is they fuck too much or fuck when it isn't appropriate. And it takes a pussy to show them that. But sometimes pussies can be so full of shit that they become assholes themselves. Because pussies are a inch and half away from assholes. I don't know much about this crazy crazy world, but I do know this. If you don't let us fuck this asshole we're going to have our dicks and pussies all covered in shit.

This Week’s Contest: Flame us. Yes. Join the forum and let a stagnant, juicy flame rip. http://enginoods.dnsalias.org/forum/ BRING IT ON, YA FUCKING CHICKEN FREE ASS HAT MONKIES!

If you were offended by this week’s enginoods, we want to hear about it. Send your flames, death threats, and porn to:

WERE YOU OFFENDED? enginoods@gmail.com

If we publish your letter, you’ll get a FREE HAT & P**5 points! We at the Enginoods value your suggestions, and this shit won’t get any better unless you tell us what to change.

“Last year I went to Iraq. Before Team America showed up it was a happy place. They had flowering meadows and rainbow skies and rivers made of chocolate, where the children danced and laughed and played with gumdrop smiles.”

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