THE

ENGINOODS
“We ain’t affilliated with nobody”

HEY B-SOC. WELCOME TO YOUR NIGHTMARE.
Fuck. It’s always nice to start off a term on the right foot, don’t you think, and fuck is as good a first fucking word as any. For those of you who were here in the fall (Dum Frosh, Bitter 4th years, and those on the “extended” program), you’ll know exactly what you’re in for. For the rest of you-you have no idea what the fuck you’ve gotten yourselves into. Basically, we write this shit (almost) every week, and (try) to get it out in time for Beer on Friday. Unlike previous publications called the “Enginewsletter” or some shit like that, we try to write our own funny shit, instead of just stealing crap off the internet. We also like to say Fuck a lot, and make fun of Dave Clegg. And monkeys - we think they’re funny. If this is your first exposure to the Noods, check out our shitty website, featuring all of our issues from last term. There’s some good shit there, and it’s also the place to find all of the new issues before they go to print (or if someone steals all of the fucking copies again). Oh, and just to end this introduction formally. Fuck.

TUITION RISES, PANTS DROP AS STUDENTS PREPARE TO TAKE IT FURTHER UP THE ASS.
Dave Clegg Welcomes the Noods to B-Soc! He also is giving Free Beer to everyone in POETS from his prez slush fund if they tell the barkeep “I Give My Soul to the Noods! Officially.” Thanks Dave Clegg!

THE ENGINOODS INVADE THE INTERNET!
http://www3.sympatico.ca/enginoods
“Never rub another man’s rhubarb.”
And you thought that the internet was safe for children and pedophiles... If anybody has a better place we can store these, please let us know! Many free hats for you!

The second page of the term!

SECOND PAGE

PBD TOTALS
Mech’s on the Beach 4B Civ 3B Chem 3A Mech Full Tilt 4B Comp 4B Elec Beerbarons 4B EnvCiv 2A Geo 56 14 11 9 4 4 4 3 3 3 Garrett 50, New York 0 Not a bad start for the term, but PVU would have done better Hot. Drunk. Chicks. Why don’t any of you have class names yet? See, they have a class name. 180 comps/4 = pretty fucking pathetic Look how far elec has fallen. “No you won’t!” Only three beers. Almost as pathetic as Clegg’s class 1 per person

EMPLOYERS TO GAIN ACCESS TO PERSONAL INFORMATION INFORMATION UNDER NEW CO-OP SYSTEM
With the new online co-op system due to roll out in the Summer term, students are sure to notice a few changes. First of all, resumes will be submitted online using HTML, and only Netscape composer will be supported. Additionally, the only font that will be supported for resumes will be Albertus Extra Bold, and words containing the letter J will not be allowed. There will also be no need to include marks with your packages, since employers will be able to see your marks, whether you want them to or not, with the click of a button. When confronted with the fact that this is a violation of university privacy policy, CECS responded by saying “pri-va-cy? What is this thing of which you speak?” The Enginoods has learned that in addition to your marks, the university will provide a complete medical record, tax history, and sexual history with all of your applications. Also, mandatory random steroid tests will be administered during the co-op process, to ensure that no students are using interview-enhancing drugs. There will also be changes to the interview process, whereby students must not only accept the first job they are offered, but the three top ranked students must fight each other to the death thunderdome-style in order to obtain said job. Finally, in order to keep the employment rate high, CECS has changed its policies to state that students without jobs at the end of the continuous phase will be put to work in the salt mines located beneath the new Co-Op building. When students were asked to comment, the reaction was “that salt mine thing sounds shitty, but I’m sure it’s better than working at Nortel”. By the way, we are fucking serious about giving employers your marks. Really, we fucking mean it.

“I’m the world’s first homicidal artist. I make art until someone dies.”

WOULD YOU LIKE TO PLAY A GAME?
Well here is a little game!

Cement

“Hello, Benny. It’s your uncle Bingo. Time to pay the check!”

ENGINOOD MAILBOX
Of course, nobody mails us so all we got was this spam.
From: -sarah- y1xBF69ZQpHBD@netscape.net Subject: Just 18 and on my webcam COLLEGE WEB CAMS These are real amateurs who have web cam’s on their computers at the privacy of their homes. Some girls even setup web cams in their college dorm rooms. They broadcast the video to a website called COVERGIRL-WEBCAMS where other adults can log in and watch them. This is not one of those porn sites where professional girls who get paid to do this in front of the camera, these are the average girls next door. These are the girls next door-Who REALLY live next door! Wouldn’t soliciting yourself for money like this automatically make you a professional? Really, have you ever heard of anyone calling HERSELF an amateur fucking whore before the internet? Why the hell would I want to watch some dumb fucking chick who can’t pay tuition anyway-you can get enough of that from picking up drunk frosh at Fed. No, we at the Enginoods insist on the professional touch in our porn. We want experienced and qualified pornographers to provide us with the best porn for our pornographic pleasures. After all, we’re busy fucks, and don’t want to waste our time looking at shitty porn. As well, if these college girls really live next door, then that would make them Comp Eng guys and who wants to see that? Well, besides Comp Eng girls? From: getitnow@last.now Subject: Boost your income in the new year U N I V E R S I TYD I PLO MAS Obtain a prosperous future, money earning power, and the admiration of all. Diplomas from prestigious non-accredited universities based on your present knowledge and life experience. No required tests, classes, books, or interviews. Bachelors, masters, MBA, and doctorate (PhD) diplomas available in the field of your choice. No one is turned down. Confidentiality assured. CALL NOW to receive your diploma within days!! Call 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, including Sundays and holidays. Hang on, you mean we’re wasting our time WORKING on a degree, when we could have just gotten it for nothing? What the fuck? Actually, we think that this is a good idea, and would like to announce that now YOU can get a Master’s degree in Bullshit (MBs) from the University of Fuck You. From: Bigger@better.new Subject: Satisfy your lady in the New Year!~ We are the #1 MALE ORGAN ENLARGEMENT supplement on the web. We guarantee the success of our program or we will refund every penny. Come find out why more men AND WOMEN come to us than any other site. Whew! We’re glad that we’re going to the #1 penis enlargement site. Sweet fucking Jesus, what would happen if we went with the #2 penis enlargement site! We’d be throwing our fucking money away! Since women are already afraid of the armadillos in our pants, why the fuck would we need this shit anyway? Perhaps if they sent us to a penis reduction site, that would make things more pleasant for them… but we’re plenty happy as-is right now, so thanks anyway… umm… we mean… FUCK OFF!

Contest: Send in your best (or worst) Dave Clegg with a Sheep Caricature Submit to noods02@hotmail.com for a FREE HAT!
Send them in any standard format. Anything funky, and you don’t get a FREE HAT.

If you were offended by this week’s enginoods, we want to hear about it. Send your flames, death threats, and porn to:

If we publish your letter, you’ll get a FREE HAT & P**5 points! We at the Enginoods value your suggestions, and this shit won’t get any better unless you tell us what to change. Thank you for your time. Hope to hear from you soon. Nobody ever reads the fine print on these anymore. If you did catch this, you might just have won a free hat!

WERE YOU OFFENDED? noods02@hotmail.com
“This town needs an enema.”