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“We ain’t affilliated with nobody”
DEWEY DEFEATS TRUMAN
Feds election results revealed early
Although the election results aren’t being officially released until 4:30, we really didn’t feel like waiting that long, or depriving our loyal readers (i.e.-you fucks) of our take on the results. Therefore, we’re going to announce the results now! President: Albert Nazereth-we’ve decided that the fourth time is lucky, and this fucker will finally win. That, and he didn’t say anything stupid at the debate. Matan would have won, but it turns out that engineers really don’t give enough of a fuck to vote. VPI: Nutsy the Squirrel-In a write in campaign that received twice the number of votes as his next nearest competitor, Nutsy has finally gained an elected office. VpEd: Beer-tell your friends. Vp Finance: Actually, we really don’t give a fuck. So, what have we learned from all this? Basically, we don’t give a fuck about the Feds, and the Feds don’t really give a fuck about us. They hold elections when we have midterms, and refuse to accommodate us for IRS. They have no presence outside their own little building (which, as much as they’d like it to be, is not the fucking center of Campus), and they can’t even run a fucking bar right. So, we’d like to start the Engineering Secession movement. As a Distinct Society of Engineers, we should be given special status within the Federation. Look, at the worst, they’ll probably start bending over backwards and giving us whatever we want just to keep us. Hey, it’s working for Quebec, so why not? We demand a referendum! In fact, we’ll even give you a nice, clearly worded question:
Do you give a fuck about the Feds?
THE ENGINOODS INVADE THE INTERNET!
And you thought that the internet was safe for children and pedophiles... If anybody has a better place we can store these, please let us know! Many free hats for you!
“Very nice. So what is it, *Mr.* Cocksucker now?”
Where everybody knows your name, or at least make one up if we don’t.
Squirrel Fuckers (on a beach) 205 The Black Tar Heroins 177 Virgins - 1 (see page 3) 79 Sven (see page 4) 74 Chemical Bondage with Clegg’s Mom 72 Tilt. Please insert another coin. 63 Garrett 62 3B Chem 55 4B Elec 44 Beerbarons 21
PBD keep up at this pace, Garrett’s gonna pass you! TOTALS If you
Please take our Civ3 away. Well, if you keep this up, you might actually drink more than 100! Sheep are ok as long as they are still warm. That’s just weird. BAD PIE! ... (mail coins to firstname.lastname@example.org) We still want your super powers. Go DEWEY! Hey Matan is finally graduating... but what about Chen-Wing? No you won’t.
Fuck Valentines Day!
Every 14th of February you get the chance to display your fondness for your wife or girlfriend or personal crack-ho by showering her with gifts, flowers, dinner, shows and any other baubles that women find romantic. Every Valentines Day you rack your brains for that one special, unique gift that will show your wife or girlfriend that you really love them more than anything. Now ladies, I'll let you in on a little secret. Guys really don't enjoy this that much. Sure seeing that smile on your face when we get it right is priceless, but that smile is the result of weeks of blood, sweat and consideration. Another secretguys feel left out. That's right, left out. There's no special holiday for the ladies to show their appreciation for the men in their life. Men as a whole are either too proud or just too embarrassed to admit it. Which is why a new holiday has been created. March 20th is now officially "Steak and Blowjob Day". Simple, effective and self-explanatory. This holiday has been created so you ladies finally have a day to show your man just how much you love him. No cards, no flowers, no special nights on the town. The name of the holiday explains it all. Just a steak and a blowjob. That's it. Finally, this twin pair of Valentines Day and Steak and Blowjob Day will usher in a new age of love as men everywhere will try THAT much harder in February to ensure a more memorable March! It's like a perpetual love machine. The word is already beginning to spread, but as with any new idea, it needs a little push to start the ball rolling. So spread the word and help bring love and peace to this crazy world.
Weird News from The Globe and Mail FRONT PAGE!
NO SHIT. We are not kidding, see Feb 13th, 2003 A.D.
Countdown to war: As Ottawa opts to concentrate its limited ground forces in Kabul rather than Iraq, terrorist fears prompt an alert in Washington and send skittish Americans scrambling for ... duct tape
“Lunch is for wimps.”
THE ONLY SUMBISSION TO THE CONTEST
But it’s Whining Loser’s, and it’s really long.
1: Clegg checks downstairs to find but only one ball 2: Clegg is oft heard to lament that his prick is much too small 3: There are three campus ducks that Clegg longs to caress 4: Clegg’s a fag. 4 days to IRS! 5: Clegg claims to rate ***** atop the stage 6: The number quoted regarding Clegg’s emotional age 7: The inches Clegg believes are in his dick 8: The centimetres in the aforementioned prick 9: Clegg can deep throat up to nine strong men a day 10: Clegg’s rating on the scale from straight to gay 11: The number Clegg believes to form a dozen 12: The tally for Clegg-sodomies by his cousin 13: The seconds it takes Clegg to chug a beer 14: The seconds it takes Clegg to cream your rear 15: The age at which Clegg did lose his cherry 16: The months after that he still found sheep dogs scary 17: Clegg’s only hope: 17 year old fat chicks 18: Clegg’s weekly average: 18 rapid crotch kicks 19: The age at which young Clegg arrived at Waterloo 20: The sex-trick count Clegg longs to try on you 21: At last our Clegg can drink down in the states 22: Deep down south they’re keen on how he mates 23: At 23 Beethoven composed a symphony 24: At 24 Clegg plans to drink his pee 25: Clegg once sold himself for but a quarter 26: She wanted him to stuff in 26 lbs of mortar 27: Clegg’s always been into 3 times 9 28: At 3pm you see he too ate 9' intestine 29: Clegg plans to stay at age 29 in secret stealth 30: Over 30 he feels he wouldn’t trust himself 31: “Only 31 days a month” Clegg is often heard to nag 32: “Thirty-two would yield one more to be a fag” 33: Clegg always had a taste for the palindromic 34: This trait and 34 others make him out to be moronic 35: Clegg fondly dreams of children at the age of 35 36: When 36 comes with nought he’ll no longer wish to be alive 37: An attempt to jump at the age of 37 will fall through 38: When 38 crazed orangutangs arrive with plans to screw 39: Clegg believes this number to be highly dense 40: He’s only 40% right- Yttrium taunts him hence 41: Did that last one make some sense to any of you? 42: If the answer is 42 the question is Clegg’s IQ 43: Sometimes I feel bad, Dave Clegg, to mock you in this way 44: A palindrome again. Did I mention you are gay? 45: A Colt 45 revolver is not required here 46: My angry pen will soften up with a peaceful can of beer 47: Clegg’s big on geography- “Knows all 47 states” 48: While those around contain their secret silent hates 49: Clegg has scored a few of these on tests 50: There’s 50 states you fucking tool. Please defecate on breasts 51: Shit. I missed my reference to the brew called Labatt 50 52: Perhaps a fifty-two letter line instead will be thought a nifty 53: Clegg plans to “rock his roll” just like back in ’53 54: Except that he’s a giant nerd with a mouth that sucks for free 55: Clegg has been known to sell himself for 55 cents 56: L.T. has been a client, Sting once did him on a fence 57: Ripley’s been asleep awhile but Clegg’s been hard at work 58: He yanks 58 cocks a day- any less would be to shirk 59: The second count for Clegg to get red hot 60: The lifetime count when Clegg to douche forgot 61: Clegg loses at leap frog by a score of 6 to 1 62: How to play? Don’t ask. It’s Clegg and anal fun 63: All 63 of Clegg’s hamsters report a sphincter tear 64: Well Clegg’s getting older now, losing all his hair 65: Clegg gets excited by the stench of pumping poo 66: Humps are to him as goals to Mario Lemieux 67: Clegg brags of 67 partners in his life 68: Not counting animals, the dead, or Barby’s wife 69: Clegg wants to find someone with whom to 69 81: In ’81 he sort of learned to walk 82: Sort of because he still can’t make it round the block 83: Clegg’s all time best: An 83 in “Hot and Sweaty Man Love” 84: It’s listed as SMF 384. The pre-rec is “A proven skill to shove” 85: In ’85 Clegg learned to bend and count 86: Both would later come in handy when he tried a duck to mount 87: I can feel it, smell it, a palindrome is on the way 88: Now it’s upon us and I don’t know what to say 89: In ’89 down did come the Berlin wall 90: For 90 days Clegg lobbied to have “autumn” changed to “fall” 91: This battle foreshadowed his later life’s great struggles 92: With some 92 Engsoc dorks all wanting Cleggy snuggles 93: In ’93 Clegg entered high school, what a treat! 94: All those bigger boys with whom to spank his meat 95: Clegg once wished for peace and love and lucre 96: But back in ’96 he settled for his current stupor 97: In ’97 Clegg felt sad he’d miss his daily screw 98: For the next year he was to enter Waterloo 99: How foolish he was in retrospect- no sex in Waterloo? 100: For him, I guess it’s all worked out. For the rest of us it’s true
Ok, we lied, here’s a few other submissions: 21 – that’s how many guys your mom picked up last night 4179 – undateable guys in engineering 1 - # of non-virgins in comp -10456 – dollars in dept. per term (Lost Kitten) 56 – ‘cause it’s the number of drinks to make clegg look half cute 37 – ‘cause it’s not 36 1 - # of times that the one non-virgin in comp got any 1 - # of on-campus bars (POETS rocks) 4201 - # of alcoholics in engineering (garrett counts as 3) (Silly Sass) 79 – a “69” plus 10 more people (I am the Lizard Queen)
Editorial Reply: A definition: a: Used before nouns and noun phrases that denote a single but unspecified person or thing: a region; a person. Could also be used for, oh let’s say pick A number (note-that means ONE). Evidently Engineering can teach you many things, but counting is not one of them.
The point is ladies and gentlemen that greed, for lack of a better word, is good. Greed is right. Greed works.
What, and you thought you were done with them?
THEOLOGICAL ENGINEERING EXAM
5 Questions, 60 Minutes.
You may use a calculator, the Bible, the Koran, the Torah, and the Book of Mormon. The speed of light is c. Show all work. For all problems, assume a perfectly spherical Jesus of constant density D. No praying during the exam. 1. (20 pts.) Bob and Joe are standing on a street corner. God loves each an equal amount L_0. Bob then accelerates to .9c. In Joe’s rest frame, how much does God now love Bob? 2. Sven, a Catholic, is in a state of grace. He then has sex with sheep S. a. (8 pts.) What is Sven’s atonement coefficient following the act if the sheep was not willing? b. (12 pts.) What if the sheep, while not technically being willing, could be said not to mind either? 3. (20 pts.) Let the eternal, all abiding love of the Holy Spirit be the xy plane. Let Sue’s soul be at (0,0,5) at t = 0 sec., traveling at 5 m/s in the direction of the positive z axis. Everything is in Cartesian coordinates bespeaking subscription to a perfectly rational Enlightenment attitude towards the Universe. At what time t will Sue be saved? (Hint: Assume a point soul.) 4. (20 pts.) Assume the Rapture occurs at time t. Cornelia, a saved human weighing 90 kg, in a state of grace, has her head in the closing jaws of an alligator at time t. What mass of meat will remain to the alligator at time t + 10 sec.? 5. Stan is a frictionless, massless Mormon in a rest state. His sin level for his faith is currently 11 McBeals. He eats .3 kg of pork, and enjoys it very much. Assume that the Jews are right about, well, pretty much everything. a. (10 pts.) What is Stan’s sin level now? b. (10 pts.) Stan is one of them Salt Lake City Mormons. He ain’t so damn smug now, is he? Extra Credit (10 pts): 25 grams of wafers and 20 ml of cheap wine undergo transubstantiation and become the flesh and blood of our Lord. How many Joules of heat are released by the transformation?
THIS WEEK’S CONTEST: Send in your answers to the above exam. AND NO CHEATING OR WE’LL GIVE YOU A FREE HAT! Submit your numbers to email@example.com
If you were offended by this week’s enginoods, we want to hear about it. Send your flames, death threats, and porn to:
WERE YOU OFFENDED? firstname.lastname@example.org
If we publish your letter, you’ll get a FREE HAT & P**5 points! We at the Enginoods value your suggestions, and this shit won’t get any better unless you tell us what to change. I want some pancakes. Thank you for your time. Hope to hear from you soon. Does anyone actually read this shit anymore? If you did catch this, you might just have won a free hat! Bottem of Page Quotations Brought to you by: J Jonah Jamison, Darth Randall and The Letter ‘J’
“I’m talking about liquid. Rich enough to have your own jet. Rich enough not to waste time. Fifty, a hundred million dollars, buddy. A player. Or nothing.”
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