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“We ain’t affilliated with nobody”
Lil’ Levitz New Prez & VPI? Levitz
Hey Engineering Students! How was that election? Unlike the Feds election that lingered like an STD in a pre-pubescent Thai male whore, the Engsoc one went by as fast a penny tossed from the top of the newly renovated World Trade Centre. Did you exercise your right to vote? Oh wait a minute, you didn’t. Because you couldn’t. Because there was no vote. Why? Because everybody knows that democracy doesn’t work. For democracy to work, people have to care. Clearly, you fucks, don’t, well, give a fuck. Now we hear that they may try to re-open elections, which is basically engsoc wiping its collective ass with the constitution. Does the word deadline not mean shit anymore? There was a deadline for nominations, and there were actually three people (we don’t count WEEF as exec-you know you’re just a glorified director) who cared enough to get their fucking act together to get themselves nominated. Sure, one of them is Lil’Levitz, but it could be worse (it could be A-Ron…). But, if fuck with the constitution we must, let’s throw our hats over the wall and announce that the Noods is running for all four of the exec positions (except VP Edumacation-nobody wants that one). To vote, email Dave Clegg (bsoc_prez@engmail) and email@example.com to demand that the Noods be acclaimed. Otherwise, a bloody coup might follow…with hookers, and blackjack. Actually, that sounds kind of fun-we might just do that anyway. Wait, here’s our platform: POETS Programming-More Porn. With certain censorship-happy students out of the way, we’ll be free to wallow in our own crapulence. Muffdive Mondays, Threesome Tuesdays, Wet-n-Wild Wednesdays, Hardcore Thursdays, Lesbian Fridays. We also plan to get rid of Boggan Burgers, and replace it with Noods Steaks (they’re steaktastic!). The rest of our platform: Hookers and blackjack for all, abortions for some, and miniature Tools for others. That, and no more Levitzes!
VOTE NOODS…We know where you go to school!
THE ENGINOODS INVADE THE INTERNET!
And you thought that the internet was safe for children and pedophiles... If anybody has a better place we can store these, please let us know! Many free hats for you!
“Are you stalking me? Because that would be super.”
Ask the bartender for a Screaming Viking!
Mech Fuckers (on a beach) The Not so Civil Civs Full Kilt Chemicals n’ Bondage The 12mm Virgins Mech-o-bestiality Garrett 3B Chem 4B Elec Beerbarons 215 205 111 101 87 74 69 57 46 26
PBDthe shirts. TOTALS Love
Concrete underwear is funny. Kilts are not edible. Take off your shirts. Keep your clothes on. Stop fucking your clothes. 69 dude! Sell your shirts for more beer money. Sell Matan for more beer money. Need more free hats! (oh and - No you won’t!)
Freeman’s Just Missing the Love!
Earlier this week, Prof. George Freeman, Undergraduate Associate Chair for Electrical and Computer Engineering, sent out a missive stating he was “disappointed after iron ring celebrations.” Specifically, “I did not see the need for public drinking/ drunkedness[sic], random scribbling on the walls of several buildings, indecent exposure ...” he said. Either Prof. Freeman missed the point of IRS, or there’s something missing here. Knowing full well he’s been around for long enough to know the deal, we with the help of the ‘Noods did an in depth analysis including Fourier transforms, fuzzy logic, and lots of other useless shit. In the end, the solution was right in front of our eyes: George was missing the love. George, we really do love you man. We just missed you when you left the meeting with the other bigwigs. Since we couldn’t find you, and we were way too plastered to look for you, we showered our affections on the two we could find: Jim and Uncle Tony. If you really want, we can throw a party in your honour, including all the IRS trimmings: food, scribbling, drinking, and of course, indecent exposure. Let us know when, we’ll take care of the where. Yours Always, ECE 2003 XOXOXOXO Well, we would just like to say that perhaps if the ECE department actually gave their undergrads enough time to drink, fuck, and get high regularly, this type of ruckus wouldn’t happen. Well it would happen, just not all at once. They would be used to getting drunk, high and even perhaps laid, and not saving it up for 5 years for one day of revelry. But then again, Comps getting laid scares us, so we would like to thank the ECE department for the systematic sodomy they inflict upon their students. Go SODOMY! Oh, and quit grabbing Maria’s ass.
“I know Ms. Pac-Man is special. She's fun. She's cute. She swallows.”
WOW! WE WERE IN THE I-RON WARRIOR!
But of course, there was no swearing and the writer was an Elec.
Editorial Reply: Kramer vs Fuck You You
In the last issue of the Iron Warrior, some fuck decided to write about the Noods. Now, while he could have submitted his rant to us (at firstname.lastname@example.org) where someone might actually have read it, he chose to print it in the “legitimate” paper. Although we are grateful for the opportunity to get our names in as many fucking places as possible, we can’t figure out what the fuck he’s trying to say. The nearest we can figure, his argument boils down to “I am the greatest noods editor ever…but these fucks are ok”. But with no fucking substantiation to this argument, except for a series of dubiously expressed personal opinions, we have one response to the “honourable” Mr. Kramer: Fuck YOU. His first action is to divide the Enginoodz readership into three categories; hardcores, passive fans, and past editors. We at the Noodz would divide into only two: people who find the Noodz hysterically funny, and… well… Kramer. Furthermore, we would delineate the readership of his Fall 2001 arc into two other categories: people who didn’t really read it, and… well… Kramer. Although one editor says of Kramer’s Enginews, “I seem to remember them making pretty good coasters”. Mr. Kramer’s first argument is that the Enginoodz is light in the Substance-To-Swear ratio. As such, his premise must be that *his* publication was high in substance. Let’s examine: The current Noodz, although extremely high in curses (shit piss fuck cunt cocksucker motherfucker tits Dave Clegg… we needed to up it a bit), is also a thought-provoking publication, dealing with issues that transcend the scholastic-political scope. Did Kramer’s publication do this? Fuck you. So the obvious counter to Kramer’s premise, despite being as flimsy as Christina Aguilera’s moral sense, is that although the Enginoodz has a low SSR (specifically engineered to be between 0.007 and 0.012 for every issue), the SSR of the Fall 2001 issues were 0. Second, and this is an important one, Mr. Kramer suggests, that you, loyal readers, are BORING. All three-fucking-thousand of you. We must therefore ask two questions: first, what the fuck does this have to do with the NOODS? And what fucking backwater basement apartment did you just crawl out of to write your fucking article? Engineers are great! We get drunk, fuck shit up, and just generally have a GREAT FUCKING TIME! Boring? Fuck you! Finally… you, Mr. Illan Fucking Kramer, claim to have been reading the Enginoodz, in its various incarnations, since Spring 2000. We, you ignorant little fuck, have been *writing* this fucking thing since January 1998, when you were busy trying to score with the captain of the chess club. I believe his name was Chester. So don’t get all nostalgic on us, you whiny pissant. Fuck you.
So, in conclusion, Fuck you. Thanks for reading. No free hat for you. Love, The Enginoodz Editors.
“Hold up, I just put my mouth on your cock-pump?”
MIDTERM MARKING TIME!
Here’s Whinning Loser’s Offical Answer Sheet
1a) The solution to this problem lies in the old Hebrew names of Bob and Joe, Moab and Joel, respectively. Moab has never been a favourite of God’s (Woe to thee Moab! Numbers 21:29) due to his excessive love of cunnilingus (And Moab said unto the elders of Midian, Now shall this company lick up all that are round about us. Numbers 22:4) Joel, on the other hand, has always been a God ass-kisser. (Joel... (was valued) over the treasures of the house of the LORD. 1 Chronicles 26:22) So it’s no contest, the minute Bob starts dicking around, God loves Joe more. 2a) Sven is indeed in violation of God’s will. His neighbour is the sheep and it is clearly stated that (Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s... ass. Exodus 20:17) His atonement coefficient is medium to high, so God commands that (thou shalt eat... dung that cometh out of man. Ezekial 4:12) If Sven’s Hebrew name was Israel, (Israel abode in Shittim. Numbers 25:1) so it’s safe to say that Sven’s in shit. 2b) John makes it clear that the consensual carnal knowledge between a sheep and a man does not conflict with the love of God. (I am the good shepherd; I know my sheep and my sheep know me. John 10:14) No atonement is necessary. 3) This depends on your interpretation of Buddha himself’s enlightenment date. If the Shasta Abbey, a Soto Zen Buddhist monastery in the Serene Reflection Meditation tradition is to be believed, Buddha was enlightened on December 8th, under the Bodhi tree. With t=0 set at January 1st, we have t=341 days. If the enlightenment corresponds with the noted Festival of the Enlightenment on December 25th, we have t=358. Note that if the desired date is taken as Buddha’s birthday, we have a non-exact date in April, so 90<t<121. 4) We see here the parallel between the alligator and his prey and the hooded monk. (And the uncircumcised man... shall be cut off from his people; he hath broken my covenant. Genesis 17:14) In a similar fashion, the alligator’s first bite must be to “circumcise” Cordelia’s skull, so her mass will decline accordingly. I might also add, Cordelia is clearly a fat chick at 90kg, so God’s advice is clear: (Ram... the fat... rump. Exodus 29:22) 5)Stan’s sin level is high, but not as high as certain fatassed grad students and tarty programmers incapable of pasting email text (Or cleaning out an inbox). Fucked up my finest hour! Oh and we missed a number from last week (just in case any of you actually read it): 70: For now he does it solo with his highly ductile spine
THIS WEEK’S CONTEST: Submit something. Anything. Please. Unless your name is Whining Loser. This week, Whining Loser supplies the FREE HAT! To submit, submit your submissions to email@example.com
If you were offended by this week’s enginoods, we want to hear about it. Send your flames, death threats, and porn to:
WERE YOU OFFENDED? firstname.lastname@example.org
“Her name's Naomi. That's "I moan" backwards.”
If we publish your letter, you’ll get a FREE HAT & P**5 points! We at the Enginoods value your suggestions, and this shit won’t get any better unless you tell us what to change. Cannibal Woman in the Avacado Jungle of Death. Thank you for your time. Hope to hear from you soon. Does anyone actually read this shit anymore? If you did catch this, you might just have won a free hat! Bottem of Page Quotations Brought to you by: J Jonah Jamison, Darth Randall and The Letter ‘J’
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