“We ain’t affilliated with nobody”

Now we’re not talking small time thievery here, we mean big theft, grand theft aeroplane size thievery. C’mon, you’ve always wanted to use a jet engine as a space heater/barbeque/torture device/kinky sex toy. Your employer gets to abuse you for 4 months (both financially and sexually, how many of you really read the co-op agreement?), you might as well get something back, like a tank. You would be amazed what you can take apart with a standard set of screwdrivers, pliers, a large hammer and some beer. Don’t just steal photocopies, steal photocopiers. With this clear list of instructions, you will be able to laugh at all of those other students who steal pens and whiteboard markers. It is a lot easier to fence a car assembly robot than the closely guarded spiral notepads. Just remember to start early, think smart, cover your trail and blame it all on the full time (reads fireable) employee next to you. Even better steal trade secrets; they are worth their weight in gold! 1 Always carry a full set of both metric and imperial sockets with you. You never know when you might need either. Disguise these as your lunch, if they have metal detectors say you have iron deficiency and need to eat very iron rich foods. Like ferrous chicken or spaghetti with iron filings or magnetic manicotti. 2 Go out for lunch often. Not only does this allow you to sneak stuff to your car, but restaurants have booze. And booze makes stealin’ fun. 3 Take a lot of pee breaks … to your car. 4 Wear baggy pants, lots of sweaters… in the summer. Parka’s are all the rage in plus 90 weather, especially when you’ve removed the feathers and replaced them with the capacitors of the Boeing 747. 5 Always sell all stolen space plans to the Russians. They pay top dollar. 6 Make sure when smuggling out pharmaceuticals, you use extra strength condoms so they don’t break in your stomach. Ribbed condoms can get stuck in your throat. We suggest lube, anything to make it go down easier. After lots of practice, you’ll be able to get rid of your gag reflex. 7 Your body has many cavities. 8 Women have more hiding places than men. 9 If you hold the VP’s family hostage, you can get away with murder. If you murder the VP’s family, you can get away with grand theft aeroplane. If you just murder the VP, you can fuck his wife, his daughter, the prom queen and get away with a spy satellite dish with lasers. 10 We have not mentioned monkeys yet have we? 11 Plutonium rods can be chopped up to look like Julianne fries. Conversely, Julianne fries can be put together to be made to look strikingly like plutonium rods. This is both a great party gag and can be used to fuck with terrorists heads! 12 As a last resort, kill everybody at your company. Nobody can stop you from stealing anything then! And you get to play with dead bodies! If you work at a defence company, you can play real life G I Joes but it’s hard to find somebody to play Stormshadow! (Oh, and wash your hands ‘cause corpses is dirty.)

And you thought that the internet was safe for children and pedophiles... If anybody has a better place we can store these, please let us know! Many free hats for you!

“Quit worrying.

You'll be back on your knees in no time.”

“Somehow not antisocial enough”


Mechs are a Bitch Tilt Full The Sims Mechrophiliacs SYaniDE 2" Floppies Garrett Comedians Transformers Chemical Bondage BeerBarons Dear Enginoods, In response to the 1B chem bashing... We’re the rest of the fucking class. If you guys think you are gods gift to drinking in engineering, you’re sorely mistaken. Fuckin’ challenge any of use to a drink off and we’ll see how’s puking their guts out first (and hopefully not all over the bar in POETS, cause thats just fucking sad). Oh, and by the way, since you obviously have enough money to carry our whole class, maybe you’d like to buy us some beer, after all, we’re just coming off of 8 consequtive months of school and since mommy and daddy aren’t paying our tuition, most of us are broke as hell. If you feel the need to prove yourselves in the drinking realm, why don’t you try boat racing, (oh, right, all you drink are fucking coolers.... BAHA) instead of getting pissed during physics tutorial. And what the fuck were you thinking?!? do you really think writing a letter to ‘Noods bitching about your class was a great idea?? In case you forgot, dumbass, you have to see us almost every day for the next five years.... And just to let you know, it’s not hard to guess who the three of you are. Therefore, and in conclusion, FUCK OFF, get some real class spirit and enjoy your beer, dont brag about it! Sincerely, 1B Chems minus 3..... Usually, we wouldn’t print this bitchy, infighting shit, but this shit takes up space, and it’s funny as hell, but not for the reasons they intended. First of all, we’re trying to figure out what the fuck “consequtive” means, but you’ve obviously been doing it for eight months straight. We presume it has something to do with anal sex and sock puppets. And what’s all this about wondering how to puke out your guts? It’s really not all that complicated, and if you’ve never puked, you just haven’t been drinking enough. We’re sorry that your mom isn’t paying your tuition anymore-if it’s any consolation, she’s still paying ours (by the way, if you talk to her she still owes us for last weekend). Finally, you should know by now that none of you are god’s gift to drinking in Engineering, or drinking anywhere for that matter. Not even one of those loser made up gods like Jebus would want anything to do with you fucks. Let’s put it this way, on a scale of one to ten, you fucks rate about a negative twelve (slightly above pond scum). Oh, and at this rate, it won’t be the next five years, but the next seven... 371 307 257 223 220 96 89 82 65 60 42 Between beer and Jackass stunts, how the shit are you passing? It’s still Lent. Graduate already, will you?!?! What are you, Scottish, Kiwi, or Spanish? Where the fuck did you go? Only 2 more weeks of Clegg! YES!!! Happy Birthday! (All your beers are on Clegg!) Keep your day job. Holy shit. Matan finally made it! Drank 12, lost 100 - Way to go, Sir Pukes-a-lot The answer to Life, The Universe and Everything.

“I'm afraid he might pull the stiff one eye on me.”

Killin’ ain’t just for the US anymore!

Axis Of Evil
From Satirewire
Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the “Axis of Evil,” Libya, China, and Syria today announced they had formed the “Axis of Just as Evil,” which they said would be more evil than that stupid Iran-IraqNorth Korea axis President Bush warned of in his State of the Union address. Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new axis as having, for starters, a really dumb name. “Right. They are Just as their dreams!” declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. “Everybody knows we’re the best evils... best at being evil...we’re the best.” Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil. “They told us it was full,” said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad. “An Axis can’t have more than three countries,” explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. “This is not my rule, it’s tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So, you can only have three, and a secret handshake. Ours is wickedly cool.” International reaction to Bush’s Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as within minutes, France surrendered. Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what became a game of geopolitical chairs. Cuba, Sudan, and Serbia said they had formed the “Axis of Somewhat Evil,” forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the “Axis of Occasionally Evil,” while Bulgaria,Indonesia and Russia established the “Axis of Not So Much Evil Really As Just Generally Disagreeable.” With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up...Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the “Axis of Countries That Aren’t the Worst But Certainly Won’t Be Asked to Host the Olympics.” Canada, Mexico, and Australia formed the “Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Some Nasty Thoughts About America,” while Scotland, New Zealand and Spain established the “Axis of Countries That Be Allowed to Ask Sheep to Wear Lipstick.” “That’s not a threat, really, just something we like to do,” said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell. While wondering if the other nations of the world weren’t perhaps making fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axis, although he rejected the establishment of the Axis of Countries Whose Names End in “Guay,” accusing one of its members of filing a false application. Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges. Israel, meanwhile, insisted it didn’t want to join any Axis, but privately, world leaders said that’s only because no one asked them.


“Do you have any control over how creepy you allow yourself to get?”

Now who besides Maria can tell me who the fuck sang that song?

1. “You mean everyone doesn’t have these spots?” 2. “Look at my blubber fly!” 3. “Up… up… down… down… left… right… left…right…AHH…. Just stop right there” 4. “Oh yeah, baby. That’s the spot…” 5. “Wanna smoke a fatty while we wait for the test results?” 6. “Oh. Those are TONGUE depressors…” 7. “You said not to have any water before the exam, so I just had beer” 8. “Betcha you haven’t seen one of THESE before” 9. “So, what are YOU doin’ later tonight” 10. “Please tell me that’s just your finger…”

1. “Uh-oh…” 2. “You have life insurance, right?” 3. “You realize, of course, that that’s contagious…” 4. “You didn’t really need BOTH of those, did you?” 5. “What the hell is THAT?” 6. “You’re the first person I’ve treated since I got out” 7. “Hi, everybody!” 8. “Two of these are urine samples. One is a drug that’ll save your life. Guess which one!” 9. “Broken ankle? Walk it off!” 10. “Hey, did you go to New York Upstairs Medical College too?” 11. “We’re just going to perform this traditional procedure called ‘blood letting’.” 12. “You see, we replaced Alice’s liver with a liver from the leading competitor. Let’s see if she notices.” 13. “Just sit still and let the scorpions do their work.” (Winds of Change playing in the background)

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“People who talk in metaphors oughta shampoo my crotch.”

If we publish your letter, you’ll get a FREE HAT & P**5 points! We at the Enginoods value your suggestions, and this shit won’t get any better unless you tell us what to change. It was the fucking Thompson Twins you moron. Thank you for your time. Hope to hear from you soon. Does anyone actually read this shit anymore? If you did catch this, you might just have won a free hat! Bottem of Page Quotations Brought to you by: J Jonah Jamison, Darth Randall and The Letter ‘J’

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