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“We ain’t affilliated with nobody”

Earlier this week, we received an email from Leanne with a few demands for the Noods. Obviously the “We ain’t
affiliated with Nobody” emblazoned across the top of the front page didn’t catch her attention (see above). She must
be under the delusion that she has some sort of say in what we publish. We would just like to take a moment to laugh
at this. Haha. Ha. Now, just for another laugh, let’s take a look at her “suggestions”:

1 - Publish your budget:

This is interesting, since they don’t give us any money on A-Soc, why should this be important? But she asked for it:

Noods Budget for Spring Term of 2003

$100 – Photocopies
$1000 – Beer
$1500 – Monkeys
$2000 – Hookers
$3000 – Porn
$5000 – Drugs
$6000 – Elephant (Stampy)
$95,000 – Company car
$239,666 – Salary (we should make at least as much as President Johnston)
$1,000,000,000 – Noods Jet
$0.02 – Our two cents

2 - Don’t use coloured paper: We at the Noods have always prided ourselves on our inclusionary policy of not
discriminating based on colour. If Leanne had her way, the Noods would only be printed on pure, white Aryan stock.
Well we say “Fuck you!” to the racist Engsoc regime - Go Colour!

3 - If you don’t have anything worthwhile to print, don’t print it: Since everything we print is worthwhile, this
doesn’t really apply. We’re still funny; you’re just wrong.

4 – Talk to the Enginaked editors for pointers: Clearly, she likes ass. Since their piece-de-resistance was the ass on
the last page. The only logical conclusion we can come up with is that Leanne craves ass. Mmm, mmm, ass.
Personally, we prefer pussy, but to each her own.

What will this mean for you the faithful reader? Sweet Fuck All. Why? Because like we have always said, “We ain’t
affiliated with nobody.” (See above)

And you thought that the internet was safe for children, Clegg and pedophiles...
If anybody has a better place we can store these, please let us know! Many free hats for you!
“You and your submarine! Look where it's got us now!”
“Lawn cut by bare-breasted women.”

2B Civ 27 Ok, guys, so here’s the deal. You do
1B Mech 24 not get your fucking name up on this list unless your class
4A Comp (C) 13 drinks at least 60 beer. If you don’t drink
‘Noods 10 60 then you don’t get your fancy fucking name up here.
2B Mech 9 Easy right? So go and drink some beer.
BeerBarons 8
1B EnvCiv 7 On another note, for every 100 beers you drink
4A Mech 6 personally, Bar Services will give you a 100 dollar scholarship!
2B Softies 5 This way, you can pay your way through school in a drunken stupor.
Deck 4 As well, this scholarship is transferable to beer!
4A Elec 3 (Canadian, Blue or anything American is not considered a beer.)


- I see you drive the Crip-Master 4000, that’s a quality chair.
- My cock is like a singularity, the closer you get to it, the harder it is to get away.
- My pants are like a black hole, once you get inside, you’ll never be able to escape.
- My balls are like a neutron star, they’re BIG.
- I’ve used quantum theory to calculate that 499 out of the 500 possible outcomes have us ending
up in bed together.
- In a parallel universe we’ve already had sex, so it’s a forgone conclusion.
- I have no sensation from the waist down, so I can fuck all night long.
- Nice shoes, wanna fuck?
- Sex is like relativity, the faster I go, the slower time seems to pass.
- Screw me and win a free telescope.
- “WOULD - YOU - LIKE - TO - PLAY - A - GAME?”
- I have an IQ of 200, a kick ass set of wheels and a computer that speaks for me. What more
do you want, bitch?
- I was bombarded with cosmic rays which gave me super powers, from this day forth, I shall be
known as Cockman.
- Give me sponge bath, you get course credit. Give me a blow job, you get an A.
- If you thought the Big Bang was something, wait for the Big Load.
- Wanna see a really big pulsar? It’s in my pants.
- This wheelchair’s got a vibrate setting.
- You’re an electron and I’m a positron, so let’s attract and make some exploding happen.
- Two words: Mad Cash
- Is that a quantum neutrino field in your proton accelerator or are you just happy to see me?
- Do you know what happens when an excess of your Z+’s meets my Tau Sigma’s? Well I don’t
know either, but let’s have sex anyway.
- For some reason, the unified field theory is easy to understand when I’m inside your top!
- Fuck the superstring theory, I want to study your g-string theory.
- E=MCsuck my dick.

“Some days you just can't get rid of a bomb.”

My kinda people!


“It's a low neighborhood, full of rumpots. They're used to curious sights, which they
attribute to alcoholic delusions.”
Medicine Woman
Dear Newds Editors,
I have been trying to reign a campaign of terror against the
other semi-human races of the thundering savannah. The Cock-Ring Warehouse presents:


Gator-heads and Bird-faces have fallen under my iron boot, as
have so many prehistoric species before them. However, I
have had greatest difficulty gaining access to the
impenetrable Fortress of the Mole. My savage hordes of
feces tossing primates have never faced such a fortification.
Their skirmish units have been taken down, but their giant
pots of boiling hot urine constantly drive my forces back.
When I get that Mole King, I’m going to sodomize him good.
Please advise on tactical matters.
Her Most Gracious Royal Highness and Peak of the
Evolutionary Ladder, the Monkey Queen of Zumba-Tumba

Dear strange fuck,

You should realize by now that your initial triumphs were
hollow and without honour. First, I happen to know that
you destroyed the Gator-heads using strategically placed
tactical nuclear antelopes, and you wiped out the bird-faces
with a plague of lemmings. Clearly your units were
unprepared for the direct combat that they must face at the
hands of the mole. It is obvious to even the most untrained
observer that you’re hopelessly outgunned and outclassed.
If, however, you do decide to proceed with this attack, I
would suggest using flying badger bombers to take out the
troops on the parapets, and taking the rest by sending wave
after wave of your own troops at the moles. Since moles
have a predefined kill limit, it should only be a matter of
That, or you could just lay off the crack.

THIS WEEK’S CONTEST: Who would win in a fight?

Batman vs. Superman vs. Professor Barby
You could win a HAT with magical FREE powers!
Submit your pets to


If you were offended by this week’s enginoods, we want to hear about it. Send your flames, death threats, and porn to:
If we publish your letter, you’ll get a FREE HAT & P**5 points! We at the Enginoods value your suggestions, and this
shit won’t get any better unless you tell us what to change. Enginaked = Bad Pie. C’mon, they don’t like Tron. Thank
you for your time. Hope to hear from you soon. Does anyone actually read this shit anymore? If you did catch this, you
might just have won a free hat!
Bottem of Page Quotations Brought to you by: J Jonah Jamison, Darth Randall and The Letter ‘J’

“They may be drunkards, Robin, but they're still human beings.”

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