“We ain’t affilliated with nobody”
HALF PRICE TUITION!
As you may or may not know, if your parents are faculty of the University, you get half price tuition, and it doesn’t take tenure to realize that that’s a shitload of money that could be otherwise spent on beer, blackjack, hookers, and more beer. Unfortunately, not all of us could be born to the privilege of being the children of faculty, but luckily, the Noods comes to the rescue. Just fill out this handy adoption form, have a Prof sign it, and submit it to the Registrar’s office and demand your big pile of money back.
Offical University of Waterloo Adoption Application
Will you be my (Circle One): Student’s Information Name: Permanent Address: Blood Type: Sex (Circle all that apply): Male Female Comp Chick with Dick ID: 9 (all you fucks who started after 2000 shouldn’t need the help) Mommy Daddy Gender-Neutral Guardian (i.e. unsure)
Prof Applied to for Adoption (name, Faculty): Reason for Adoption (Circle One): Revenge Boredom Financial Need Drunken Dare Yes No Avoiding Deportation Like filling out forms I can’t remember Witness Relocation Program Loophole to marry sister
Have you ever been indicted for a criminal offence?: If so, what? If not, why not?:
Have you slept with any of the following people in the past 6 months (Circle all that apply): Ryan Walker Sujeet Chaudhuri Leanne Whitley New Dean Guy David Johnston Dave Clegg Jim Barby Levitz (either) Sue Gooding Your Mom June Lowe Any inanimate object
Are you willing to perform fellatio on your new sugar daddy?
Yes (spit) Yes (swallow) Hell damn yeah Well, it’s worth the money...
By signing, I certify that I legally own the above named student, with all rights, responsibilituies, and all other free shit I have coming to me.
By signing, I agree that I will be the above signed prof’s bitch, but will get half price tuition, and money is good.
THE ENGINOODS INVADE THE INTERNET!
And you thought that the internet was safe for children, Clegg and pedophiles... If anybody has a better place we can store these, please let us know! Many free hats for you!
“’You are in more dire need of a blowjob than any white man in history.’ Now THAT’s funny!”
“Don’t tell me how the universe is altered”
Beer Barons Members In Tension 2B Software 4A Elec 4A Comp Noods 2B Mech 1B EnvCiv 1B Mech Deck 1B Geo 68 64 51 36 36 32 25 24 24 17 17 No you won’t. Holy Flaming Donut Holes, Batman! They have a name! You, however, do not. You still suck Obviously, you fucks haven’t figured out this whole “drinking” thing yet. Even after we gave detailed step-by-step instructions last week. This can only lead to one of two conclusions: a) You don’t know how to fucking read and probably find the crude humour of another shoddy publication hilarious; or b) The entire school has come down with a case of acute Vaginitis, i.e. You’ve all become a bunch of fucking pussies. QED Cock-Ring Warehouse presents:
PORN OF THE WEEK!
THIS WEEK -F REE
C OCK P IERCING WITH EVERY $200 SPENT AT C OCK R ING W AREHOUSE ( SERVING YOUR COCK RING NEEDS SINCE 1867)
“’Captain Hauk sucks the sweat off of a dead mans balls.’ I have no idea what that means, but it seems very negative to me.”
THAT’S ALL THE NOODS THAT’S TOO UNFIT TO PRINT!
I like resuing headlines.
Due to a lack of Submission to the Enginoods (i.e. NONE you apathetic mother fuckers) we thought we’d help some of you out. Because we all know that engineers cannot spel or rite.
Do It Yourself Noods Submission: (check all that apply)
Hey Ο Ο Ο Ο Ο Cocksuckers Gods among men Ο Ο Ο Ο Ο Dildos Dean Chaudhuri Ο Ο Ο Ο O Fuckers Frank
Letter Corpse Bag O’ Glass
Death Threat Unibomber Special Hooker
Anthrax Poison Twisted Sister
is sent to you because Ο Of your lack of responsible Journalism Ο No one else will tolerate me Ο Led Zepplin told me to (it’s in stairway, play it backwards and see) Ο I’m lonely and just want to be loved… is that so wrong? Ο I want my Elephant Ο The movie was shitty (of course) and there was nothing to do at the bar My main concern with your publication is Ο There was not enough nudity Ο It does not taste great, nor is it less filling Ο I did not receive my free hat. Ο There are not enough/too many Ryan “Medicine Woman” Walker jokes Ο There are not enough/too many “Dave” Clegg jokes To appease me, I suggest that Ο You DIE! DIE VERMIN DIE! Ο I commit ritual suicide. (Black Capsule) Ο We all sit back and smoke a fatty, In closing Ο Ο Ο Ο Ο Ο Ο Ο Ο Ο Ο Ο Ο Ο Ο
You buy me off with beer, You feed my cat for the week I’m away, You suck my Johnson Solid (number 33).
Do not I repeat, DO NOT ignore this letter or be prepared to suffer the consequences. I’d watch my back if I were you. Join the Dark Side Luke. I’m crushing your head, I’m crushing your head. I like pancakes. I have no real point to this letter, I just wrote it to pass some time and get published. Hi Mom! I’m in print!
Sincerely, Insincerely, Fuck, I’m coming to bust a cap in your punk ass. You moe foe. Bisnach, Please don’t hurt me, I’m already dead, Ο Ο Ο Ο Ο
Anon (Because I’m a fucking coward.) A fucking coward. RW: Medicine Woman The Hamburglar Whining Loser Ed: (where have you gone?)
“’Hey Hauk. Eat a bag of shit. You suck.’ No real gray area here sir.”
Ryan Walker: Criminal Intent
“You can’t be too crazy, but you can be too sane.”
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT
This is your brain:
1+1 = 2
This is your brain in Systems:
This is your brain in Civil:
Cement + Aggregate + dihydrogenoxide = Concrete
This is your brain in Enviro (anything):
THIS WEEK’S CONTEST: SEND US PROF QUOTATIONS YOU BITCHES. PLEASE. We’ll even throw in a FREE fucking HAT PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE firstname.lastname@example.org
If you were offended by this week’s enginoods, we want to hear about it. Send your flames, death threats, and porn to:
If we publish your letter, you’ll get a FREE HAT & P**5 points! We at the Enginoods value your suggestions, and this shit won’t get any better unless you tell us what to change. Two Words: Johnson Solids. Ohhh yeah. Thank you for your time. Hope to hear from you soon. Does anyone actually read this shit anymore? If you did catch this, you might just have won a free hat! Bottem of Page Quotations Brought to you by: J Jonah Jamison, Darth Randall and The Letter ‘J’
WERE YOU OFFENDED? email@example.com
“Well, we walk up to someone and say, ‘Are you the enemy?’ And, if they say yes, then we shoot them.”