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“We ain’t affilliated with nobody”

“It’s hard to give the finger in gloves,

“Oh yeah, Texas Ranger, like I haven’t
well, it depends what type of gloves
heard that before.”
you’re wearing.”

“Well you know, sometimes it’s not the “If he touches me just one more time...
girth but the depth that counts.” just one more time...”

and we ran out of quotations...

“You’re lucky I caught your ball.”
Feel the excitement in CPH Foyer!

Limited Engagement. Get your tickets now.

Unsportsman-like conduct expected.
Ontario Residents add 7% GST. Offer not valid in Quebec.
Prices are subject to change. Candidates have cash value of 1/100 of a cent.
Low Blows... Guaranteed.
So apparently there’s one of those fucking election things going on soon, but the good news is that there’s only two
positions with a fucking race since you’re all so goddamned apathetic. In the interest of “journalism” and “filling up
space”, we present the first official interview with the presidential candidates. In the blue corner, we have Ryan “Imperial”
Walker. In the red corner, his opponent: Laura “Marvin K” Mooney. How do they stack up? We’ll let you decide for
yourself…with a little help of course.
See Page 3 for the full interview.
And you thought that the internet was safe for children, Clegg and pedophiles...
If anybody has a better place we can store these, please let us know! Many free hats for you!

“Get your patchouli stink outta my store!!”

“runnin’ out of lyrics from the song. Ohhh yeah. Killa whale tank!”

Beer Barons 72
Pyrotechnic Timbit Express 68 What we got here is failure to communicate.
2B Software 54 Some men you just can’t reach.
2B Mech 45 So you get what we had here last week.
4A Elec 42 Which is the way he wants it.
4A Comp 41 Well he gets it.
Noods 38 And I don’t like it any more than you men.
1B Mech 25
1B EnvCiv 24
Deck 23 Please take the words to heart.
1B Geo 21 It’s not Matt’s or Phil’s fault that there’s no beer on Thursdays.
1B Elec 12

Cock-Ring Warehouse and Happy Harry Hardon present:


She has flowing hair, smooth skin, languid eyes, and she’s completely naked. Are we discussing here a star of one of the
approximately four hundred thousand single-, double-, and triple-X-rated films out there, or one of the approximately four
hundred thousand different “My Little Ponies” they flooded toy stores with in the Eighties?
That’s what we’re here to find out. Below is a list of names. Each name belongs to either a porn star, or a My Little Pony.
Your job is to try and tell the fornicator from the latter. Supine or equine? New Wave Hookers or new-agey hoofers? You
make the call. Pie” appears in it.
Cherry Treats Porn Pony “Breastman’s American Butt Search,” much less that someone named “Sweetie
Sweetie Pie I’m really disturbed to know that there even exists a video called
Lucky Star Porn Pony don’t understand this.
Chocolate Delight A “Soda-Sippin’ Pony.” It came with a straw. I really
Love Melody Porn Pony “Throb” in the name.
Heart Throb A “So-Soft” Pegasus Pony. I try to avoid buying toys with
Daisy Sweet Porn Pony No, really.
Green Eyes He was in “Hispanic Heatwave” with a guy named “Skelator.”
Sunshine Blue Porn Pony Derby,” “The XXX Files.” This woman has quite a resume.
Misty Rain “Strap-On Sally,” “Foot Fetish Fantasies #2,” “Tracey at the Sex
Honey Rose Porn Pony designers themselves weren’t watching porn films...
Ruby Lips This, incredibly enough, was a pony. Sometimes I wonder if the
Ruby Lips Porn Pony Squirt” is.
Honey Rose She was in “Lethal Squirt.” I don’t want to know what “Lethal
Misty Rain Porn Pony in “Fresh Flesh.”
Sunshine Blue Starred with about half a dozen women with only one name
Green Eyes Porn Pony one that smelled like a horse?
Daisy Sweet This pony smelled like perfume. How come they never made
Heart Throb Porn Pony Love Melody A “Twice as Fancy” pony. That’s pretty darn fancy.
original, are they?
Chocolate Delight Porn Pony Lucky Star He appeared in “Pure Milk #2.” Sequels are never as good as the
cherries. Huh.
Sweetie Pie Porn Pony Cherry Treats: A white and red “Sweetberry Pony.” A horse that smells like

“We’re on the verge of becoming Kathleen Turner Overdrive, but just for tonight, we are Barry
Jive and his Uptown Five.”
I like recycling headlines.
We sent both Laura and Ryan the same set of questions. This is what we got back from Laura ‘Taking
the Fifth’ Mooney:
Dear Noods,
I appreciate the opportunity to respond to your articulate, well-expressed, innocent questions about me, my
personal habits, and my election platform. In the fairness of an election I have sent you my response. However, I
thought it would be most eloquently summed up in a quick photo, which you no doubt perused before reading this,
much like opening a present before reading the attached card.
As always, have a good fucking day. I look forward to a first-class round of printed harassment in the coming terms,
Laura Mooney
She did create the “Prez vs Prez” logo. So don’t fault her too much.

This is the complete transcript of our interview with Ryan ‘Willing to Tell Us Too Much’ Walker:
What is your favourite sexual position, and why? Top or bottom? Spanker or Spankee?
Top, Spanker. It’s all about the power.
The Engineering Society is currently losing money on the photocopiers, struggling to balance the budget, and is unable to provide the level of service that it
once did. The $14 fee was set in the Summer of 1996-should it be raised?
I believe that raising the fee I an excellent way to allow for the “extras” that engsoc was once able to provide. (i.e. NOODs budget, beer, money for
causing shit at other schools). Further more taking in to consideration other fund raising ventures such as corporate sponsorship, selling burgers and
pizza, holding keggers and boat races, would take money away form student groups that rely on the aforementioned activities to raise money for their
How often do you masturbate, and what accessories do you use?
2 to 3 times weekly more often on work term. As for accessories, Hand lotion, baby oil, Soap…
What is your position on recreational drug use? Have you ever inhaled? Have you ever exhaled?
Less than 30 grams is just a fine. I inhale followed by exhaling with extreme frequency.
Do you have any tattoos we should know about? Do you have any tattoos that we shouldn’t know about?
The question should be do I have any tattoos you don’t know about, as I have gotten drunk on more than one occasion and showed everyone at least
once. In case you missed it I have a tattoo of the RIDGID TOOL on my shoulder, the Iron Ring around my arm and a red maple leaf on my calf.
What is your breast size?
I’m a big fan of D myself but a large C will do.
What will you do to increase the security of Society assets given the recent break-ins?
I promise to do an extensive investigation into acquiring coop student snipers for round-the-clock surveillance of all of engsoc’s assets.
What is your stance on the FEDS?
Who are the FEDS and what have they done for me lately?
What’s your stance on cannibalism, and should Long Pig be served in the C&D?
I am against cannibalism. I’ve made a choice not to eat sentient beings. I’m sorry if you have a problem with that, it’s just my thing ok.
Have you ever been in a fight? Did you win? Any cool scars?
I choose not to answer at this time for a feel it may incriminate me in the future. Yes. 3" gash on my thigh that I burned shut so I wouldn’t need
Should we bring back purpling?
Purpling is a great sign of respect for engineers of the past and instils pride in your faculty. It’s also fun to laugh at purple frosh.
Have you ever taken it up the ass? Did you enjoy it?
At least twice a term. No, exams make my hole hurt.
Do you like pancakes?
Love pancakes and making pancakes for drunken fourth years on their IRS morning. I’ve always said, there’s nothing like pancakes after racing at
Will you support the Noods? B-soc bought us a 24-are you saying you can’t do something Clegg can do?
Will you vote yes in a referendum to raise EngSoc fees?
Will you do something with this position, or are you just going to be a figurehead? Will you give head to become said figurehead? (mmm…head)
I like head as much as the next guy. What position are you talking about? Could you provide a diagram?
Are you a crook (if yes, at least you’re honest)? Can we read your lips?
Are you willing to give full disclosure of your slush funds? Are you willing to fully expose yourself instead?
I am not beyond fully exposing myself. See my act Monday nights.
Why is there no boat racing anymore? Why do we have to watch it on TV?
Ask GrandCom. TV! You have TV? I thought you said you needed a budget.
What’s your stance on Ryan Chen-Wing? Will he ever leave? Can you get rid of him?
RCW is a constant at UW similar to bad artwork. We can’t cut it down because someone donated it so we should just do our best to ignore it.
Do you support Porn in POETS? Have you ever been in any Porn? Can we get a copy?
No, it causes Engsoc meetings to run too long. Besides I have the Internet. I was allegedly in porn. You printed the picture.
So there you have it. You decide who to vote for. We already know who won, but that’s because we’ve fixed the election.

“Is it in fact unfair to criticize a formerly great artist for his latter day sins, is it better to burn
out or fade away?”
Ryan “AT-AT” Walker
“You can’t be too crazy, but you can be too sane.”


So I’m sure, you think you’ve exhausted the internet. There is nothing left for me on the fuckin’ net. I’ve seen it all. I know
where the best free porn is. I know were to get the weird porn for those ‘special’ occasions. I can get designer dog shit
delivered to the people I hate. I’ve read every Dilbert ever created. I’ve read every Noods. Give me a topic, and I can find
30 articles on it, 10 parodies on it and 5 versions that mix porn and scientific fact in titilizing way. All your base are belong to
yeah yeah yeah, seen it.
Well, were going to ‘shock and awe’ you. And just in case you’re wondering, yes, you can really buy this product.

For the ladies,

The “What Would Jesus Do?” Thong!

Only $11.99 (US) at:

Check it out, it’s one of the funniest websites

we’ve ever seen. We suggest that you also
look at the “Get your ASS to church” and
“Heathen” lines. Fine quality stuff.


Fuck you and your FREE fucking HAT!


If you were offended by this week’s enginoods, we want to hear about it. Send your flames, death threats, and porn to:
If we publish your letter, you’ll get a FREE HAT & P**5 points! We at the Enginoods value your suggestions, and this
shit won’t get any better unless you tell us what to change. Cucumber blood! EVERYWHERE! Thank you for your time.
Hope to hear from you soon. Does anyone actually read this shit anymore? If you did catch this, you might just have
won a free hat!
Bottem of Page Quotations Brought to you by: J Jonah Jamison, Darth Randall and The Letter ‘J’

“God! Do you even know your daughter? There’s no way she likes that song!
Oops, is she in a coma?”

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