THE

ENGINOODS
“We ain’t affilliated with nobody”

Noods New Guide to Baseball Analogies
Remember talking about “the bases” with your friends back in high-school? There was first base, second base, third base, and on rare occasions the elusive home run. That was fine, but what the fuck was “second base” exactly? Oh sure, it had something to do with breasts, but what? There were no well defined terms. Here, for the first time ever, we present the next step in the evolution of baseball analogies.
Strike Out = D’oh! Walk = Kissing Bunt = Masturbation Single = French Kissing Double = Some Clothes Off. Lots of grabbin’ Triple = Most Clothes off, genital contact. Inside the Park Home Run = Oral Sex (Woohoo!) Ground Rule Double = Would have sex, but lacking a condom Error = Condom breakage during sex Banned for Life for Gambling = Unprotected Sex Hall of Fame = A reputation, good or bad. Hall of Shame = Marriage Double Header = Sex with 2 or more different people in the same day Triple Header = You stud! Balk = Premature Ejaculation Pine Tar = KY Relief Pitcher = Vibrator Bullpen = Sex Toy Chest Rain Delay = Unsuspected return of parents/roommates/ significant other/spouse 7th Inning Stretch = Leg Cramp, change position now! Rookie = Virgin Minor Leaguer = Under 18 Loaded Bases = Manage a Trois Grand Slam = Sex 4 times in 1 hour Foul Tip = VD Three up, Three Down = Impotency Short Stop = Hyman Outfield = Above Clothes Infield = Skin on Skin Dugout = Anal Sex In the Batter’s Box = In the ‘Box’ Green Monster = Really Big Dildo Corked Bat = Penile Implants All-Star Game = When you bring in a ringer Fast Ball = Quickie Curve Ball = Gay Sex Slider = Well Lubed Sinker = Deep Penetration Spit Ball = “Snowballin’” RBI = Notches on your bed post ERA = Number of times you’ve regretted it the next morning Infield Fly Rule = Denied before you even made a move Pop-Up = Pop-Out Line Drive = Doggy Style Talent Scout = Pimp Hit by Ball = umm…

World Series = Orgy

Now, just to show you how these new terms work: Old Way = “We, um, got to third base I guess and the we, um, got like past third base, but not to home plate. I really like her.” Noods Way = “First, there was a triple, then we got an inside the park home run. Afterwards, she through a slider and then I tossed her a sinker. I’m really improving my RBI this season.” Noods Way = “So there I was with the bases loaded and nobody out, when I balked after the seventh inning stretch and I had to call in a relief pitcher”

THE ENGINOODS INVADE THE INTERNET!
http://www3.sympatico.ca/enginoods
And you thought that the internet was safe for children, Clegg and pedophiles... If anybody has a better place we can store these, please let us know! Many free hats for you! “We’re not a respectable network. We’re a whorehouse network, and we have to take whatever we can get.”

NORM! er... I mean Maria!

POETS

POETS Bottle Drive FINAL TOTALS
There’s no noods next week so this friday’s drinkin’ don’t count.
MaCiv Plumb Bob 216 Beer Barons 88 Pyrotechnic Timbit Express 76 Sue Johanson 72 Long Wrench Big Nuts 60 Elecxellence/Flux Till It Hertz 60 4A Comp 58 Noods 49 1B Mech 33 3A Mech 29 Deck 27 1B EnvCiv 25 1B Geo 25 1B Elec 16 Exec 13 It took you idiots forever to get on the board. Now why do you only drink once a term? As always. You guys are the best and most consistant drunks. Sad eh? Love the new name! And we love your name too! Stupid name, but it is your first time past 60. So we always give you once with a real name Crapulance. 60 beer for the whole fucking term? Lightweights. And the rest of you don’t deserve any comments. So instead... a song! Fox the Fox, Rat the Rat, You can ape the ape, I know about that, There is one thing you must be sure of, I can’t take any more, Darling, don’t you monkey with the monkey Monkey, monkey, monkey, Don’t you know you’re going to shock the monkey? This is so sad guys, you couldn’t even break 1000. We’ve had more than one class during a term get more than 1000. SO SAD!

Total Beers consumed in POETS this term: 893

BEST OF LUCK NEXT TERM. THANKS MATT! SEE YOU IN SEPTEMBER!

AND JUST AS A BASIS FOR COMPARISON...
Here, for the first time in 10 years, are the totals from the winter term of 1993. They are presented just to prove to you that you ALL SUCK! 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. WHAT Indecent Mechsposure X-Civ CCCP Sydestic CHUG DAWGS Hammered & Screwed 3A Chem Mechanical Bulls 1395 1262 577 495 445 397 195 175 170 140 Damn! No wonder Brick Brewery hasn’t gone bankrupt. What, only 133 beers away from the leaders! Pussies. What the fuck does your name mean? Sorry, next time we’ll have more vodka for you. Ahh, you lost the cold (beer) war. Couldn’t even break 400? CENSORED 3 more beers? Couldn’t chug You call that drinking? Obviously not HAMMERED enough. Screw-ups. Good name. Dumbasses. Bullshit. Only 140? Hang your heads in shame.

Editors’ Note: We are not, repeat, NOT responsible for that piece of shit publication fiasco last week. Blame the 4A Elecs. And to everyone that bitched at us about it – fuck off. Read the fucking title – they called it “Enginews” (a publication that has been BANNED!); we call ours “The EngiNOODS”. See? NOODS. NOODS good, NEWS bad. Thank You and Fuck Off (Again) But at least it was better than the EngiNUDES (get your own fucking name and stop ripping us off)

“There is only one holistic system of systems; one vast, interwoven, interacting, multivaried, multinational dominion of dollars!”

AND THE WINNER OF OUR HEADLINE CONTEST IS:
Me! Because I write all of this shit and you don’t. MAD LIBS:
If you don’t know how to do this, then you were denied as a child. Don’t forget, when filling this in, don’t read the as you fill in the blanks! ONLY READ IT AFTERWARDS!

I _

Verb

_ for a mid-sized _

Noun

_ firm. We have our own in-house_ _ single _ Noun

Noun

_

department which is run by a very _ Adjective

. He and I have always had a Noun _ between

_ Adjective _ working relationship with a lot of repressed _ Adjective _ _ the two of us. One _ _ Noun Noun

_ about a year ago we were both scheduled to appear in a company

_. Not having had _ Adjective _ sex in a long while I _ Verb (past tense)_ to have a Noun _” as a good way to get my satisfaction. Noun _, _ Verb (past tense)_ the _ Noun _ and put my

“pre-meting _

I _ Verb (past tense)_ into his _ _ Noun

_ down on the floor. He must have known I was up to no good because he Noun __ Adverb _ from his _ Noun _ far enough for me to

_ Verb (past tense)_ his _ _ _ _ Verb Noun Noun

_ him. As I _ Verb (p-t) _ his _ _ and played with my _ Noun

Noun

_ in silence he unbuttoned my

_. I was already wet before even entering the Noun Noun Verb _ and _. _ me on

_ and this of course only made it _ Adjective _! I slid down his _ Adverb _ sized very _ Adjective _ _ _ with such force it only _

_ Verb (p-t) _ his pants to reveal a _

As I _ Verb (p-t) _ him off he came in my _ more. He _ Verb (p-t) _ me up and put my _ _ Verb _, _ Verb _ and _ Verb

Noun Noun

_ on his desk where he proceeded to Noun _ till I came like I have never Noun _ and _. As

_ my _

before. He then _ Verb (p-t) _ into me for another 20 _ Plural Noun _ of intense _ he _ Verb (p-t) _ himself in and out of me he _ Verb (p-t) _ and bit my _ Noun

_ Plural Noun _. When I _ Verb (p-t) _ him cum inside me I had yet another _ Adjective _ _ Noun _. This began a very _ Adjective _ work relationship between the two of us. We now Noun _. Nobody has ever

have our own “_ Plural Noun _” at least twice a week in any available _ Verb (p-t) _ our little trysts to this day. I have never had better _

Noun

_ in my entire life.

“We’ll tell you anything you want to hear, we lie like hell.”

Ryan Walker: Impossible
“You can’t be too crazy, but you can be too sane.” - Editors WHY DID WE PRINT THIS? BECAUSE IT WAS SENT TO US. SEE, SEND STUFF AND WE WILL PRINT IT. EVEN IF IT SUCKS. HERE’S PROOF!
Dear Ed, In these troubled times, people are being bombarded on all sides with mixed messages and innumerable demands are put on their time. People are frustrated, angry, discombobulated, irksome, peevish, and just plain confused. Their stuck in traffic, eating fast food, seeing Disney come within an eyelash of conquering the Stanley Cup and have Mickey glory-fuck it, being downsized, not getting head, and just generally being pissed off. With all these things transpiring, wouldn’t it be great if someone could simplify your life? What if a genius, a born leader were to reduce stress and demands on your time by combining two necessary elements of daily life? Sound too good to be true? Well it’s not! It is with the greatest pleasure that I unveil to you my newest creation … Miguel’s Catholic Church / Pornographodrome. That’s right; you, the missus, and the kids can enjoy the Gospel according to Mark while being entertained with hot girl-on-girl action. Our guarantee: within an hour you’ll be leaving with a clean conscience and a smile on your face. I mean, Jesus is practically naked on the cross, so this cross-over deal seems like a natural. We’ve revolutionized church; the Holy Water is used to soak cheerleaders involved in a wet T-shirt contest, Ron Jeremy makes Leviticus V: 16 really ring true, the collection plate gets involved in some real naughtiness, and when the priest flashed the crowd at the end of the sermon and shows you his huge “rosary” … well, you’ll be dying to shout AMEN. And to the gentlemen purveyors at Cock Ring Warehouse, I had some new products in mind. I’d like to start selling the Crucific-Dildo and Prayer/Anal Beads as soon as possible. That’s Miguel’s Catholic Church / Pornographodrome. And, remember our motto: You can’t pray to God without getting on your knees. Sacrilegiously yours, Miguel “Child molesting is just another way of spreading God’s Love” Sanchez

THIS WEEK’S CONTEST: What should the our next contest be?
That’s right, now’s your big chance! You too can set up a contest that nobody submits to! Isn’t that just great kids! It’s so great that I bet you might just receive a FREE HAT if you send something to noods02@hotmail.com.

If you were offended by this week’s enginoods, we want to hear about it. Send your flames, death threats, and porn to:

WERE YOU OFFENDED? noods02@hotmail.com
“I just ran out of bullshit.”

If we publish your letter, you’ll get a FREE HAT & P**5 points! We at the Enginoods value your suggestions, and this shit won’t get any better unless you tell us what to change. We’ll be back. Watch out frosh... Thank you for your time. Hope to hear from you soon. Does anyone actually read this shit anymore? If you did catch this, you might just have won a free hat! Bottem of Page Quotations Brought to you by: J Jonah Jamison, Darth Randall and The Letter ‘J’ and thank you “Pee-Pee Diddly Mad German Scientist” for your brilliant letter to the editor.

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