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OUT TOUCH

FREE

!

OF

EXCLUSIVE

DRAMA ALERT!!!

Swedish indie-film sensation
Yustin Yandler released from jail
IVE

Former Ryerson University
president, or an old white man?
You decide!

Intimate Secrets Spilled

• Lola Shay didn’t know what to
expect at ALL!
• “It felt a bit odd at first...”
• Revealing details inside!
IN THE DOG HOUSE

RU Therapy Dogs spiral out of
control, and it’s all your fault

Photo: Chris Blanchette

LEVY LOOK-A-LIKES

Her First
Time Ever!
FREE

WHAT’S THAT SMELL
ON GOULD STREET?

2016

LUS

OCTOBER 5,

EXC

WhosE space? Students' space!

ANNUAL OPEN HOUSE
Come Celebrate with Us!
MONday, OCTOBER 17, 2016
Student Campus Centre
55 Gould ST. (CORNER OF CHURCH & GOULD)
www.ryersonstudentcentre.ca

2

OUT OF TOUCH

OCTOBER 5, 2016

Tons of activities,
events, free food!
Free BBQ, Scavenger
Hunt, Ping Pong and
Gaming Tournaments.
Live Music.
All Day!!

RYERSON’S HOTTEST Entertainment Magazine

outoftouch
AT TE RS
NO NE OF TH IS M

"V̜LiÀÊx]ÊÓä£ÈÊUÊ6œ°ÊxäÊÊÃÃÕiÊx

MASTHEAD
Editor-in-Chief Nicole “Wonka” Schmidt
Managing Editor Skyler “I’m free!” Ash
Photo
Devin “Another cutout?” Jones
Chris “Sunday???” Blanchette
Izabella “Photoshop goals” Balcerzak
Annie “Trial pending” Arnone
Online
Sierra “Whipped cream” Bein

pecial
With s our
s to
thank ls!
mode

A note to our readers...
Fun Overlord
Skyler Ash

T

his magazine is pure trash. It’s been
carefully written and painstakingly
laid out to appear on stands before you
so that you can pick it up, flip through
it and have a good laugh. Nothing in here is
real, and it’s not supposed to be.
Every week, similar bound copies of trash
can be found on stands all across Canada.
They’re at checkout lines in your local
grocery store. They’re on the coffee table at
your doctor’s office. They’re wasting away
on shelves in your hometown library. And
they’re nothing more than surface-level
bullshit that people continue to buy, read
and never think about ever again.
These tabloids sit next to real magazines
with real articles about real topics concerning
real things that could actually affect you.
But on Sept. 30, Rogers Media announced
that stands are going to be a little bit
emptier. Flare, Sportsnet, MoneySense and
Canadian Business will disappear from print
completely to reflect the reading habits
of our ever-changing, digitized world.
Other Canadian staples like Maclean’s,
Chatelaine and Today’s Parent will
print fewer times each year.
This means that when you’re
waiting in line at the grocery store or
sitting in a waiting room, you won’t
be able to read about new political
policies in Canada, or about how to
file a tax return. Instead, you’ll see the
latest celebrity plastic surgery flops
and a quiz about which celebrity dog
matches your personality.
Print is dying. It’s something we
hear time and time again, day in
and day out. As a kid, I used to flip
through the Toronto Star everyday.
I had big dreams that I would one day
be sitting in my own little cubicle at
the paper I read and loved, writing
the news so that other people could
read it every morning, too. Now,
I don’t even get the Star delivered to
my house.
How is it that the things worth
reading are dying off, while tabloid
garbage thrives? Now and again,
we all like to lose ourselves in the
fantasy world of celebrities—we
want something that’s easy to read,
and something that we don’t have

to think about. But that
shouldn’t consistently be
the case.
This week, you picked up
Out Of Touch, a satirical
rendering
of
popular
tabloid magazine, InTouch.
It’s 12 pages of loud
colour boxes, obnoxious
photos and stories that
we made up in the office
on a Wednesday night.
By reading this, you said
“yes” to all things journalism
goes against. We thank you,
because we think we’re
hilarious, but you should
take this opportunity to
ask yourself when the last
time you picked up a real
magazine was. When was
the last time you thought
about something critically,
or did more than skim a
serious story?
Print may be dying, but
you don’t have to help bury
it six feet under.

Igor “Creature of the black” Magun
Media
Carl “RTA dropout” Solis
Thomas “kjtdhvxlidnhdx” Skrlj
Writers
Keith “Hot Chicken Papi” Capstick
Alanna “Group chat’s lit” Rizza
Sarah “Is a store” Krichel
Jacob “Thanks Selena Gomez!” Dubé
Daniel “It’s not a toupé!” Rocchi

Justin “Naked and afraid” Chandler
Sidney “Read Sandman!” Drmay
General Manager
Liane “The giving tree” McLarty
Advertising Manager
Chris “Night folks” Roberts
Design Director
J.D. “Pickled cactus” Mowat
Circulation Manager
Farnia “Flower fairy” Fekri

ATTENTION ALL FULL-TIME STUDENTS
Time is running out!

ALL STUDENTS MUST
OPT-OUT ONLINE
Did you opt out last year in 2015-16? No worries...
You’re automatically opted out - no need to apply every year for the refund of this fee

The Ryerson Students’ Union
(RSU) provides you extended
Health & Dental Insurance, but
if you have comparable
coverage, OPT-OUT for a refund
by October 7, 2016 @ 6pm.

Opted Out PREVIOUSLY

If you opted out of the RSU health and dental
plan in the previous year (2015-16), you will
NOT receive a charge for the RSU health and
dental plan on your RAMSS account. Please
refer to information about “Changing your
Status” for any OPT IN requirements go to:
RSU site at www.rsuonline.ca/services

OPT-OUT ONLINE

www.rsuonline.ca/services or
www.mystudentplan.ca/rsu

DEADLINE to OPT-OUT, OPT-IN or ADD DEPENDENTS:

FRIDAY, OCT 7, 2016 - 6pm

There are ABSOLUTELY NO EXCEPTIONS to this deadline
Need Info? Contact Member Services Office, Student Centre Lobby
or email health@rsuonline.ca

Soup and Substance
Diversity is a reality, inclusion is a choice

Unlearning the academy:
Speaking truth to power
Thursday, October 13, 2016
Noon to 1 p.m. | Podium (POD) Room 250
Faculty, staff and students are invited to
come and enjoy soup and participate in a
discussion about inclusion at Ryerson.
ryerson.ca/soupandsubstance
@RyersonEDI #RyersonEDI

Moderated by: Denise O’Neil Green
Assistant Vice-President/Vice-Provost Equity,
Diversity and Inclusion and Darrell Bowden,
Education and Awareness Coordinator

We are committed to accessibility for persons with disabilities.
Please contact 416-979-5000, ext. 3243 or equity@ryerson.ca
if you require accommodation.
OCTOBER 5, 2016

OUT OF TOUCH

3

Who Wore It Better?

stylewars

One student sizzles, while the other one fizzles

Margaret
PittAniston

They
did!

They
did!

They
did!
Igor Magun

Sarah
Oldman
Lizzy
Hilton
Name
Name
Fuzzy vest? Check. Bike
helmet for safety? Check. But
where’s Lizzy’s stylish belt?

Oliver
Bender
Name
Name
Magun is wearing Louis Vuitton’s
new line, Poubelle, while Sarah
just fell in a dumpster

Yolanda
Singée

Yolanda just rocks it. She’s
style and substance. Oliver
isn’t. Period

winneroftheweek

dietoftheweek
This new, groundbreaking diet emerges from California, where we all know
everyone is thin and beautiful. Dr. Emery Imer, dietician to the stars, says his
clients swear by it. “This weight loss regimen relies on the power of osmosis.”

Breakfast
One (1) almond sliver, and two (2) generous
spritzes of water.
Lunch
Look at a picture of a salad, and then eat one (1)
orange tic tac. Three (3) small sprays of water.

THE EYEOPENER
This independent student newspaper
has been answering Rye High students’
greatest questions since 1967. From
toilet paper scandals, to thievery in the
Rogers Communications Centre, to
the lack of beer in your pint, the
Eyeopener has your back.

Snack
Five (5) to seven (7) spritzes of water—go crazy!
Dinner
One (1) nibble of kale. Take a strong sniff of poached
salmon, but do not eat any. Two (2) sprays of water.

loseroftheweek

THE RYERSONIAN
Ouch. Better luck next time, ‘Sonian.
You’re not very pretty and you’re
not very bright. Glad we had
this talk. Bye, Felicia!

*OutOfTouch is in no way responisible for any health-related accidents that may occur if you follow this diet.

Thanksgiving Lunch with
President Lachemi

Continuing
Studies at
OCAD
UNIVERSITY

O ve r 1 0 0
courses in
G ra p h i c D e s i g n
We b D e s i g n
I n t e ra c t i ve M e d i a
Animation
Film and Video
P h o t o g ra p h y
Sculpture
Industrial Design

Mohamed Lachemi, President and
Vice-Chancellor invites Ryerson students
for a Thanksgiving Lunch at the Ryerson
Student Learning Centre, Amphitheatre
on Thursday, October 6, 2016.

3D Modelling
We a ra b l e M e d i a
F i b r e a n d Fa s h i o n
D ra w i n g a n d P a i n t i n g
Printmaking
M a r ke t i n g
Communications

Drop in for a free light lunch with President
Mohamed Lachemi from 12 p.m. – 2 p.m.

Theory in Art and Design
C r e a t i ve Wo r k s h o p s

Please email presrsvp@ryerson.ca if we need to make any accessibility
or dietary accommodations to ensure your inclusion in this event.

P r o g ra m s f o r Yo u t h

E x p l o r e Yo u r C r e a t i ve P o t e n t i a l
A r t . D e s i g n . N ew M e d i a
Eve n i n g s . We e ke n d s . O n l i n e

CONTINUING
STUDIES

C o u r s e i n f o a n d r e g i s t r a t i o n : o c a d u . c a /c o n t i n u i n g s t u d i e s
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OCTOBER 5, 2016

Ryerson_Sept2016_QuarterPage.indd 1

PHOTOS: GABBOT, JENSKUU, ANDRY ARTHUR, DANIELLE ELDER, TORNE, BRUNO

2016-08-18 1:00 PM

Exclusive Interview with Oily Conoily
After years of questions, mystery and perturbed nostrils, Out Of Touch
brings you an exclusive interview with the campus’ most sought-after
celebrity—that fucking canola oil smell by the book store.

THE CRIB SHEET
Price.....$12.50/MONTH
Offices.............................4
Bathrooms.......................0
Sq. footage....................2?

criboftheweek

THE EYEOPENER ’S SCC OFFICE
The Eyeopener’s office can be found on the
second floor of Ryerson’s Student Campus
Centre (SCC) on 55 Gould Street. It houses
Ryerson’s independent campus newspaper.

Notable Neighbours:
Drake People
Hallway of Couches
Old Microwave

Tell me your story, Oily.
I started on my path to the big city just as
you’d expect the smell of any old lubricating cooking tool to. I just wanted to matter
more, you know—to get smelled. I came to
Toronto because I figured it would be the
place I’d fit in best. There’s a lot of smells
here but not as much canola as you’d expect.
I perched up by Ryerson, wafting in and out
of those back alleys by the bookstore. I like
the idea of making my mark with the first
year students as soon as they set foot on
campus. I let them know early on that Ryerson’s not exactly the PAM of universities,
but it ain’t no olive oil either.
So where did the drive to get you to the
big city come from?
I wasn’t exactly born as pungent as the
rest of the smells out there. Back where I’m
from, there’s huge fields that reek of onion
or cow manure and I just never felt like I
could keep up with cow shit, you know? So
that’s why I figured I’d give the city a try.
For us smells there’s more subtlety here.
I’m competing with unique stuff, like street
meat or subway-sludge.

Ryerson President Mohamed Lachemi
once said, “the campus wouldn’t be the
same without that smell.” How do you
feel about that?
Honestly, a little uncomfortable. As far
as smells go I like to think of myself more
as the anti-establishment type. I really burn
the midnight oil trying to create a grassroots
identity for myself on campus, so to have
support of the administration isn’t a goal of
mine. This isn’t your grandfather’s olive oil,
don’t get it twisted. I really don’t smell good.
Any regrets?
I voted for Harper.

Trend alert! Goth and emo are back
Pull out your black eyeliner and extensions,
folks. Scene queens are back and ready to
tell us how to pair pink neon leopard print
with the intense depression that comes
with being emo.
You might’ve thought that emo style finally died back in 2010 when Fall Out Boy
went on a hiatus, but now that the boys are

Mohamed
Lachemi

back, so are those too-tight skinny jeans
and fingerless gloves.
If you want to bring out your inner emo
kid, you’ll need the staples of the style. We
recommend black skinny jeans, Converse,
band tees, too much eyeliner and accessories galore. You’ll want those jelly bracelets,
heart-shaped sunglasses and enough hair-

MY NIGHT AT HOME
STARS TELL OUT OF TOUCH ABOUT THE LAST TIME THEY STAYED IN

I watched ... How It’s Made. I have the complete series on Blu-ray. My favourite episode
is the one where they make Q-tips. Who
thought those little guys could be so funny?
I listened to ... Shakira’s “Hips Don’t Lie.”
That tune always makes my rump jump. I
pretend I’m in the SLC when I dance to it.
Don’t tell the Board of Governors.
I called ... my friend Sheldon Levy. I think he
goes to his cottage a lot because I always get
his answering machine. But we do this funny thing where I call him and sing “Hotline
Bling” to his answering machine. Anything
can happen in the 6ix.
I texted … my friend Sheldon a picture of his
hat. He gave it to me one night when I was
shivering. I have more hair than him, but he
forced me to accept it. I put it in a frame. I’m
keeping it because it’s from him.

I binged on ... model trains. I’m a civil engineer, so I have a secret room in my basement
where I go when I need to stop being the president and just be Brohamed (that’s what I told
my friend Sheldon to call me). I’ve got a model
of Ryerson that I built to scale. It took me five
years to complete because I 3D printed all the
pieces. The train runs down Gould Street then
up through the SLC and back around. It’s pretty sick. Sometimes I put hand-painted, 3Dprinted re-creations of me and my pal Sheldon
on the train and we go on a campus tour.

I Googled ... fitted caps. I want to get a new
one for when Drizzy comes to Rye-izzy next.
I kissed … Let’s just say there’s some kinky
stuff that happens at Model Ryerson.

What a
babe!

spray to tease your hair until it’s never flat
again. Get yourself some rainbow extensions with coon streaks to really bring the
look home and you’re set to shout your sad
little heart out to your fave My Chemical
Romance album.
Pro tip: don’t forget to angle those selfies
too high with the flash on!

polloftheweek
SMELL ON GOULD STREET:
HOT GARBAGE, OPEN
SEWAGE OR ROTTING
CORPSE?
ly
total

s!
gros

46%

say hot garbage

This just in: Gould Street stinks.
Actually, we’ve known this for a long
time. For years, the phenomenon of
the ever-permeating stench as you
turn the corner has offended anybody
with a nose. There is no end to the
madness. We recommend noseplugs.
OCTOBER 5, 2016

OUT OF TOUCH

5

reallife

Double Take

Find the 10 things that make these two pictures different!

OMG!
#awkward

rejectionoftheweek

“He used to break into my mom’s home”
Woah! Drake makes a surprise appearance at stuffing right here.”
your family’s Thanksgiving dinner.
He proceeded to fill his plate with six
servings of pumpkin pie and nine servMom didn’t expect to be Hotline Blinging ings of mashed sweet potatoes, because,
this holiday season.
“you turn the six upside down, it’s a nine
In the middle of Thanksgiving dinner, now.”
just as the cranberry sauce was at a per“How long was he under that table,
fect viscosity level, famous Toronto rap- waiting to make his surprise appearper Drake crawled out from under the ance?” said RSU president Obaid Ullah,
table and started carving himself a piece whose dinner Drake interrupted. “We
of the turkey.
only invited Future and DJ Esco.”
“Any time they call my phone and say I
Ullah was later billed $6,666,666 for the
can come eat your food, I’m touching this performance.

!

O N A LI G H TE R
N O TE .. .

ith

Find out more about Sm
Johnson

What’d you have for breakfast?
Raw coconut. I really got into it after the
island

Your number one song right now?
Rhianna’s “SOS”

Pet peeve?
When people play the ‘stranded on an island’ game... they don’t know what it’s like

Who’s your celeb crush?
Tom Hanks. I feel like we share an
experience

What’s your go-to karaoke song?
I like to vocalize the theme song of Lost

Hidden talent?
Being forgotten. People say my face is
virtually invisible

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OCTOBER 5, 2016

Smith: Stranded
One woman’s tale of harrowing survival. Smith gives
Out Of Touch an exclusive interview after being
stranded and alone on an island

S

mith Johnson always thought tragedy
was someone else’s problem, until one
fateful afternoon when her Bahamas
cruise to Hedonism, a pleasure resort,
took an unfortunate turn.
Smith was on the sundeck enjoying the
views when the ship suddenly bumped into
a reef. She was leaning too far over the edge
of the railing and was quickly tossed overboard.
“It was terrifying, I was hurtling towards
the water so fast I thought it was the end,”
Smith said. She hit the water and went under,
knocking herself out on impact.
Smith was travelling alone, and there was
no one on the deck near her when she fell,
causing her disappearance to go completely
unnoticed as the ship sailed on without her.
When asked, members of the crew noted
that they “didn’t recognize her” and “had never
seen her before. Ever.”
“I woke up to darkness and I was on a sandy
beach alone. I was scared and confused, but
I’ve watched all 49 episodes of Survivorman
seven times so I knew the best way to make a

shelter,” Smith said.
For the next two weeks, Smith stayed on
the island, living off the land to survive, an
experience she calls “truly spiritual.”
During her time on the island, Smith created a shelter made of fallen palm fronds and
leaves. She became adept at hunting for the
small lizards that inhabited the island.
“I didn’t actually eat them, because I’m a
vegan, but it gave me something to do to pass
the time,” Smith said. “I started to name them.
My favourite was a little red and white one I
Smith made a risky decision with a wild
called Wilson.”
plant that turned out to be peyote.
“I should have known better. Les would’ve
never made that mistake,” Smith said. “He
taught us all to be careful about what plants
we eat.”
While under the effects of the peyote,
Smith wandered the island for a few hours
until she found out that the island was not
uninhabited as she’d assumed. The Hedonism
resort was, in fact, housed on the other side
of the island.
Smith proceeded to enjoy another two
PHOTO CREDIT: DAVE HUTH
Wilson the Salamander.
weeks at the resort before heading home.

My First
Time Ever!

Inside Ryerson student Lola Shay’s
first time ever—the highs, lows and
everything in between. We’ve got all the
dirty deets

I

WILD AND
CRAZY TIMES
“I’VE NEVER FELT SO
GOOD IN ALL MY
LIFE!”

t started off innocently. Lola Shay, 22,
knew that something in her life had to
change. She took her time figuring out
what she should do. Then she settled on
something she’d never done before. “I was a
bit scared,” said Shay, “but it felt like the right
thing to do.”
She got all dressed up. Lola
took care to wear comfortable
shoes and yoga pants, because she knew it would
be a long day. “And
yoga pants make my
butt look good,” she
said. She got into a
cab as thoughts ran
rampant through
her head: What
would it feel like?
What if it isn’t
what I imagined it
would be? What if I
don’t like it?
Lola wasn’t sure
what to do first.
Should she head upstairs, or go straight to
the good stuff? “It was all
just so new to me, and I didn’t
want to make any first-timer mistakes,” said Lola. “Ikea is just such a big
store. All I needed was a new bedspread, so
that should have been easy to find.”
She wanted to take it slow. She started
upstairs, in the display areas. “All of the little
set-ups were so cool,” said Lola. She realized
she would be in the store longer than expected, so she took her time wandering through
all the fancy displays. As she meandered
through an elegant kitchen, she picked up a
wine glass, and her world was transformed.
She quickly gained confidence. “At
first it was a bit odd, but when I got used to
it, it was amazing!” Onlookers said that Lola
pretended to serve dinner to her imaginary
husband and children in a mahogany kitchen
display. One shopper described Lola’s actions
as “ahead of the curve” for someone who’s
never been to Ikea before. They added that
she “seemed to fit right in.”
New desires started to take root. Lola
soon realized that this store wasn’t just a graband-go affair. “To truly experience Ikea, you
need to become Ikea,” said Lola. As she walked
through each display, she tried to act out what
her life would be like if she lived in that space.
In a modern living room, Lola became a Man-

hattan socialite. In an eclectic office space, she
turned into a starving artist. In a clean white
kitchen, she was a serial murderer cleaning up
from her latest kill. “I just went with what felt
right,” said Lola.
Things started to heat up a little. Lola
had a brief altercation with Ikea security after
she was caught jumping from bed to bed in
the mattress department. “I was just trying to
have a little fun,” said Lola. This fun also included a pillow fight with the kids whose parents didn’t let them play in Ikea’s fantasy kid
play space, Småland. “Only two kids got hurt,
so I’d call that a win,” said Lola.
But before long, things had gone too
far. After having six helpings of Swedish
meatballs and two of Ikea’s new pulled salmon
sandwiches, Lola was informed that the store
was about to close. “I wasn’t ready to leave, but
I looked at the time and realized I had been inside Ikea for seven and a half hours,” said Lola.

At first it was a bit
odd, but when I got
used to it, it was
amazing!”
-LOLA SHAY
She had to leave some things behind
that night. As she checked out, Lola had
to make some tough choices. “My total was
$3,622. Not everything could stay,” she said.
Lola cast aside 27 Penninggräs cushions, 33
Gabbig baskets and seven Lack tables—one in
each of Ikea’s signature colours. She left with
only two packs of cinnamon buns. When she
got home, she realized that she had forgotten
to buy a bedspread.
“I would do it again in a heartbeat,”
Lola said. In all her life, Lola had never felt
so good, so free, so pure. Ikea was the fresh
start she had been so desperately yearning for.
She plans to go again soon, and the next time,
with friends. “I mean, I still need a new blanket, so I have to go back next weekend.”
OCTOBER 5, 2016

OUT OF TOUCH

7

funstuff

Sheldon, is that you?
Look-a-likeoftheweek

S

heldon Levy: the man, the mystery,
the legend. Kidding! He’s just some
old wrinkly dude who used to be the
Ryerson president. People really
liked him, but sometimes he just got lost in
the crowd.
Here are a few men who we’ve mistaken
for Sheldon, but weren’t actually Sheldon.

O N A LI G H TE R
Q U O TE .. .

People said things, so
of it)
we wrote (almost all

“When I take
cough syrup
... I feel a bit
like ... Gavin
Adamson.”

?
z
e
r
p
e
y
R
r
e
m
r
o
f
r
Old white men o

Liza Tayler

“The best thing
about being
Canadian is ...
lacrosse.”

Wow !
#T w in ni ng

horoscope

Hairman Singh

the forecast for Oct. 5-12
Aries
March 21 - April 19

Leo
July 23 - Aug. 22

Taurus
April 20 - May 20

Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22

Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21

Do you feel free, even though the world is
Don’t bother talking to people you may be You’re the reason that your parents argue. controlled by corporations and you have no
romantically interested in tonight. You’ll die They’re stressed out about having to support real decision-making power? If so, enjoy it
without a partner and never make love again. you and that’s why they sleep in different beds. while you can.

Everyone in your tutorial group thinks you’re an Spend as much money on luxury items as you
idiot. Try to stay in their good books today by want today. The economy is going to hell and
shutting up and not asking any dumb questions. you’ll be homeless soon no matter what. I bet
you’re rethinking that arts degree.
Gemini
May 21 - June 20

Libra

Capricorn
Dec. 22 - Jan. 19

You know how you have that nagging feeling that you’re a bad, selfish person who ruins other people’s lives? Listen to it today. It’s
right.
Aquarius

Jan. 20 - Feb. 18
Your life is a mess and your home is, too. Could Sept. 23 - Oct. 22
you at least clean one of them up today? Maybe Yell at your boss today. They don’t like you It’s too late for you to apologize for what you
the bathroom. Can you handle that one task?
and you’re probably gonna get fired so you did. Move out of the city.
may as well strike preemptively.
Cancer
June 21- July 22

Scorpio
Oct. 23 - Nov. 21

Pisces
Feb. 19 - March 20

Enjoy today because you’re going to be hospiResorting to violence to solve your problems
talized indefinitely.
I wouldn’t recommend driving anywhere today. is usually a bad idea. But not today.
8

OUT OF TOUCH

OCTOBER 5, 2016

“When I looked
... down the hole
... there was ... a
.... bench.”

Yichael Yerticchio

PHOTOS: OPTISCHE TAEUSCHUNG, BRELAPOW, GORDON TARPLEY, DENIS DEVISEVIC/FLICKR.

THE FALL OF
YUSTIN YANDLER

He was at the top of every low-budget European indie
filmmaker’s list, but the D-list actor let fame get the
best of him.

The question on everybody’s mind is...

A

tall, lanky man—totally naked if
not for the Swedish flag around his
waist—was surrounded by overturned
tables and broken beer bottles. It was
Sept. 14 and Toronto police were responding to a public disturbance call at the Ram
in the Rye.
“Everybody get away from me! Don’t
look at me,” the man said in a thick Scandinavian accent. The flag was dangerously close to
lowering to half-mast. “I’m Yustin. Fucking.
Yandler. Indie film superstar!”
Yustin played a one-man game of “the
floor is lava” on the remaining tables to
escape the cops, but slipped on a vegan quinoa burger and was caught. When the scene
cleared, Ram staff began to pick up the
hundreds of doileys on the ground. He was
charged with public indecency, misuse of a
beloved childhood game and being Swedish.
For years, Yustin Yandler was the talk
of the Swedish indie film town. His starring debut in box-office-registered movie
Kung Fu Dreaming of You garnered him moderate praise and some approval from his
mother. He went on to star in What a Sunset,
Mr. President as Assistant No. 2 and The Cowgirl Dies at Midnight, where his portrayal as
the jagged Cow that yearns for love won him
a mention on Twitter.
But Yustin wasn’t satisfied with his
staggering level of fame. He wanted more.
After a short and unsuccessful stint as part of
hard-rock power group, Final Yustination,
Yustin set his eyes on directing his own film—
that’s when it all went wrong.
Kung Fu Dreaming of You 7: The Last Kung
Fu-marai was set to premiere at the Toronto
International Film Festival, and Yustin was
excited to show off his directorial debut. Everything was going well—nobody hijacked his
plane, he smuggled in some sweet Swedish
chocolate-flavoured herring and he was set to
start his press tour.
Yearning for attention, he stopped at
The Eyeopener, Ryerson’s independent student newspaper, for his first and only stop on
the tour. Arts & life editor Otto Ornonlo saw
the trailer for the film and knew she had to
be the first to cover it. “It was so funny. They

were speaking a language that wasn’t English!
How hilarious,” Otto said. “Yustin just looked
sooooo foreign.”
He was the star and model for their
cover. It was set to be his first interview ever,
and the pressure just got to his head. Reporters said that Yustin was exhibiting Gwyneth
Paltrow levels of personal difficulty.
“He was just so rude during the whole
process,” said The Eyeopener’s business and
technology editor Justin Chandler, famously
known for his prestigious reviews of the film
James and the Giant Peach. Justin was tasked
with shadowing Yustin for most of his trip
to Ryerson. “He doesn’t like peaches. Not
even giant ones! I tried to give him one and
he threw it at me. What a guy. Has he even
watched James and The Giant Peach? He should.
Great movie.”
Yustin felt confident about his premiere later that night. The dozens of
fans in the photo filled him with confidence
about the success of his project. Little did he
know, every single person in the shot was a
model and only doing it as a favour to the
Eye’s editors.

“Whatever Happened
To Yustin Yandler?”

Fu Dreaming of You 7: The Last Kung Fu-marai
tanked. Yustin’s artistic choice of replacing
all dialogue and character development with
various screams of “AHHYEAAAAHHHHH”
did not work in the slightest.
Devastated at the poor reception of his
film, Yustin called his agent for comfort. It
was then he found out he had been dropped
from all future projects, was fired from all
ongoing projects and would not be provided
with a plane trip back to Sweden. Furious and
devastated at the news, Yustin ripped off all
his clothes, put on his Swedish flag, walked
into the Ram and went on the most voracious bender this side of the Atlantic Ocean
has ever seen.

Locked up at Toronto police headquarters, Yustin is beginning to see the error of
his ways. “It’s hard to be me. One day you’re
on top of the Scandinavian indie film world.
The next you look around and say, ‘Where
has my human decency gone?’”
Three weeks later, Yustin has been tentatively released from prison. As part of
his probation and recovery, he’s been tasked
with writing advice columns for The Eyeopener, where he currently lives in their archive
room. “I’m not going to make movies anymore, but have you guys seen this show Storage Wars? It’s amazing!”
Check out Yustin’s zany advice columns every week or tweet at him at @AskYustin.

YUSTIN SEEN
WITH A NEW
BOO!

I’m Yustin.
Fucking. Yandler.
Indie film
superstar!”
-YusTin YanDler
“This is going to be your most popular
cover of the year!” Yustin shouted. “I’ll see
you peasants at my premiere, if you can get in
line early enough. It’ll be a hit.”
It wasn’t. It was not a hit at all. Kung
OCTOBER 5, 2016

OUT OF TOUCH

9

Socks and Sandals

Due to the wild popularity of benches, the Ryerson Students’
Union has ordered 10,000 benches for 6 Fest. They won’t be
delivered until Dec. 24, so 6 Fest has been moved to Christmas.

!
... an d W ha t’ s N ot

Trust us on this. Start wearing
them everywhere. You’ll thank
us. Seriously though, everywhere.

Therapy dogs
need therapy

............

Recent studies show that smoking cigarettes
drastically decreases your chances of vaping,
which makes you look kinda douchey, bro.

Benches

............

W ha t’ s H ot .. .

............

Smoking

Obnoxious music on campus

We get it. 6 Fest is coming. But that’s no justifiable
reason to blare your goddamn shitty R&B outside
the SCC every day. Shut the fuck up, already.

The four-legged cuties have reportedly been smoking cannabis and
drinking Canadian whiskey after each
therapy session. Program directors
have cited students as the source of
the stress.
Ryerson student Marley Terrier
was shocked by the news. “I feel
bad. I always thought their shaking
was caused by pure excitement and
joy. I was way off.”
Zippity Do Dawg, a Cavalier
King Charles Spaniel known to the
Ryerson dog community, recently
checked into a nearby rehab clinic
The RU Therapy Dog program has to treat his addicition to dog treats.
been called off due to a cohort of Last week, he overdosed on DentaSdogs needing therapy themselves.
tix. #LifesRuff.

MEN’S HOME

OPENER

THURS. OCT. 6

VS LAURIER | 7:15 PM
Swipe & Win
Your Ryerson OneCard is Your Ticket into the Game!

THE RAMS SEASON

KICK-OFF BASH
GOULD ST. | 12 - 6 PM
Presented by Ryerson Student’s Union

@ryersonrams

10

OUT OF TOUCH

OCTOBER 5, 2016

#WeRRams

ryersonrams.ca

OCTOBER 5, 2016

OUT OF TOUCH

11

FREE WIFI

IN THE FOOD COURT

Shoppers Drug Mart
Watch It
Adidas
DAVIDsTEA
Starbucks
Tim Hortons
Gadget City

12

39713_10 Dundas_Ryerson Eyeopener Ad - Fall 2016 v2.indd 1

OUT OF TOUCH

OCTOBER 5, 2016

The Beer Store
Express

Harvey’s

WINNERS

Wine Rack

Blaze Pizza

Rogers

California Thai

Wind Mobile

Caribbean Queen

Baskin Robbins

Subway

Chipotle

MII Sandwich

Poptopia/Yoyo’s
Yogurt Cafe

Curry & Co.

Opa! Souvlaki

Goodlife Fitness

Zeytouna

Real Fruit
Bubble Tea

8/19/16 4:50 PM