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Example Essay

Correction & Feedback

If we have a chance to know [realize] that the people who feed dolphins do not help the starving Africans by
monetary [financially], I could definetely agree wiht this idea [what idea?]. Merely [However] we don not
know anything about this situation, so, it must not be to decide about this as easy as saying this. [is not easy
to make a decision about this without consideration.]
Besides, this idea is a little hostile against [towards] the fish. [The] ^ Ocean world is a fragile enviroment.
[By this I mean if] ^ If people do not feed them, the generation of the fish wil die out one by one.
[the essay topic is about dolphins, but this paragraph ^^ is about fish? confusing]
[It is true that] ^ Sure that, if a man kind and a dolphin are starving at the same time and you have to
choose one ot [of] them to keep alive, you must keep the man kind [mankind] alive. This is not to be
considered on the issues [However, this is not part of the argument.]. thats why swimming with dolphins is
really a good and efficacious activity for dolphins [do not include if it does not support the argument].
[good vocabulary ^ ]
As a result, a balance must be created and managed between helping the starving Africans and feeding
dolphins. In fact, Earths creatures are enough to [sufficient for] every alive [living] organism, one [. One]
question is do we know or want to share ^ [share them]? When we learn [understand] that we need each
other to continue our generations, we will not argue ^ [argue about] these kinds of subjects anymore.

Feedback
Content:
1. Answer task question appropriately? The answer is inappropriate there should be arguments for
and against feeding dolphins
2. Have a clear view/opinion?
The opinion regarding feeding dolphins isnt clear.
3. Include relevant main and supporting ideas for the topic?
Overall the main ideas are not relevant to the question.
4. Appropriate introduction and conclusion?
The introduction needs work. If you re-write the essay statement using your own words and state

your opinion it is much clearer.


The conclusion also needs work. Dont write any new ideas in this paragraph just repeat the
main ideas from your essay and restate your opinion.

Organization/Structure:
1. Use linking words appropriately and accurately, within and between paragraphs?
Linking words are used but not accurately.
2. Write well-structured and balanced paragraphs with clear main and supporting ideas? Main and
supporting ideas are not clear in each paragraph

Vocabulary:
1. Choose appropriate words for the topic? A lot of mistakes
2. Use the correct word form? OK
3. Spell words accurately? A lot of mistakes with basic words

Grammar:
1. Choose the correct tenses? OK
2. Use correct punctuation? Mistakes with commas
3. Include a variety of complex and simple structures? There are conditional and relatve clause
structures - some passive should be attempted

4. Use complex and simple structures accurately? There are mistakes with some sentence
structures. A few examples of mistakes with the

Grading:
Content

3/10

Organization

5/10

Vocabulary

5.5/10

Grammar

5.5/10

Overall grade

5/10

Suggestions for Improvement:

The main problem occurred with Content as the question was answered incorrectly.
Paragraph structure needs attention with regard to writing clear main and supporting ideas. You also

need to focus on learning and using the correct linking phrases.


Some improvements are required with vocabulary, although a lot of these mistakes could be avoided

if the writing is checked carefully before submitting.


Finally, to improve the grammar score some accurate passive structures should be included, and
again the writing should be carefully checked for prepositions, articles and other basic mistakes.