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So, I'm writing this down to explain what I've been going through the pa

st few months of my life, and where I'm at now. Before I was able to stream 4 da
ys a week, some of you will remember that I used to stream only on Sunday nights
. I could only stream on Sunday's because I was working full time (w/ mandatory
overtime) 11 hr shifts/ 4-5 days every week. My schedule was completely opposite
of my fiance's and I barely had time for her or my son, let alone to stream. We
ll back in June, I had what I would describe as a panic attack, something which
I'd never experienced before, at work, and basically felt like my world was crum
bling around me. I was stuck in a job, which I needed to support my fiance and s
on, but at the same time I felt like I was ONLY working, and I was either on a c
omplete opposite sleep schedule and not able to be there for them, or be in a ho
rrible mood due to lack of sleep trying to spend time with them on their schedul
e. On top of that, I was trying to grow as a broadcaster, and work towards makin
g streaming a full time career. Basically all of that boiled to a point, and I c
ouldn't handle it. I took a leave of absence from work to help work through my p
roblems.
That was when I started streaming 4 days a week, and while it was nice t
o be able to broadcast more, I was struggling with severe anxiety (about not hav
ing a gameplan going forth) which developed into depression (because I felt wort
hless and useless as a father/fiance). I felt like I had two options: Either con
tinue working full time, not being able to stream, putting my son in full time c
hild care (40-50hrs/week), only being able to spend time with my family a few ho
urs two days a week, but being financially stable OR leave my full time, well pa
ying job w/ benefits, and find a job that had less pay and continue to stream. A
s I continued casting, I would get online and stream at night, get done, and sle
ep all day. I felt like complete shit. I couldn't figure out how to work my way
out of whatever funk I was in. I tried to figure out a plan going forth, but eve
rytime I did, I would feel overwhelmed which led to my anxiety which then led to
depression. I sought out the help of both a therapist and a psychiatrist, BOTH
of whom said the smarter idea was to stay at my full time job and put my son in
full time childcare (because I would have the extra money to do so). My thoughts
on it were (and still are) that what is the point of working to make excess mon
ey, just to give it to someone else to raise my child, when having either me or
his mother be there was/is the most important thing to me. Even though I knew ho
w I felt regarding that aspect, it still didnt stop me from feeling like a compl
ete piece of shit for thinking about leaving a good paying job when I have a fam
ily to support. For 4 months I struggled with this, day in and day out. I'd neve
r been so unsure of myself and my plans going forward.
I went to both the therapist and psychiatrist, expecting for them to ans
wer my problems for me, and they told me straight up that they couldn't. They sa
id that this was a situation I had to fix by figuring out a solution and make so
me serious decisions, and they were right. I made the decision (against their ju
dgement, but with the support of my fiance) to leave my stable job, and move int
o a new one that paid less, but had more flexible hours, allowing for me to be t
here in the mornings for my son (while still needing some childcare, just not as
much) and still being able to stream regularly.
Making this decision was THE SCARIEST decsion I've ever had to make. Han
ds down. Period.
It's a decision that I couldn't have made without the support of my wond
erful fiance, and I can't thank her enough for being there for me during those d
ark moments. I know that she wants what is best for both me and our family, but
I also know it's not easy to say "Hey, yeah it's cool to just leave that job tha
t is helping us live comfortably." So to Lady_Cliffy, from the bottom of my hear
t, thank you, and I love you.

I am confident in the decision I've made, and am looking forward to movi
ng forth, being there for my son, and continuing to grow as a broadcaster, to th
e point of making broadcasting on Twitch my full time career. It's definitely st
ill scary financially, but I have faith that we will make it work.
Above all, I wrote this for 3 reasons. First, because I needed to write
this to get this off my chest. Chances are if you are reading this, you are a me
mber of my community, or someone who cares about my well being, and it matters t
o me to let you know what is going on in my life. Secondly, I wanted to put this
out for anyone who may be going through something similar. This depression and
anxiety hit me out of nowhere, like a truck. I feel like it is something that ca
n happen to anyone, and if it happens to you, just know that there is a light at
the end of the tunnel, it just may take some hard work and time to get through
it. Do NOT give up.
Finally, I wanted to put this out for my community, to show them what br
oadcasting means to me and how serious I am about it. I love what I do. I love y
ou guys. I love being able to spend time with you all. I put my whole heart into
this, and nothing would make me happier than being able to spend my days raisin
g my son, enjoying time with my fiance, and broadcasting. I love being there to
entertain you, and providing a place where you can come to get your mind off of
things going on in your lives, a place where you can feel comfortable and have f
un with a bunch of other really awesome people.
I don't have much else to say, other than thank you for taking the time to read
this, and hopefully this is able to help someone who may be going through some o
f the same things I did. Love you guys.
-Cliffy