6 Important Things Nobody Tells You About Grad School | Cracked.

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8/9/16, 10:12 PM

6 Important Things Nobody Tells You About Grad School
Summer! The courses are complete, the exams are over, and the students emerge from
educational cocoons to blink in the harsh light of the real world. Many dive straight back
under the downy duvet of postgraduate education, and every single one of them is
reading this, because screwing around on the Internet is what postgraduates do instead
of ever leaving the building.

John Foxx/Stockbyte/Getty Images
"Haha, I'm sitting quietly at my desk reading NON-work-related material! In your face, The
Man!"
The Internet is full of postgraduate "advice" from bitter ex-students warning people to
stay out of graduate school, because they still haven't learned that whining and spending
all their time online was their problem in the first place. Some advice about advice, or
advice-squared: If someone tells you what they wish they would have done, listen. If they
only tell you things they wouldn't have done, ignore them, because they've confused
regret with wisdom. When someone fantasizes about having achieved less in life instead
of figuring out how to make things better, that's more of a review of the life than the
problem. Even when they're right about the problem, they're the wrong person to help you
solve it.
Photodisc/Photodisc/Getty Images
"NO ONE SHOULD EVER BOWL, FOR I HAD FLOWING LOCKS BEFORE STICKING MY
HEAD IN THE BALL RETURN!"
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and it's the one I didn't finish that taught me the most. I'm not telling you to get a job instead of studying. business. that would be multiple positions. Politics. but it added to the magnitude of what I learned. I have (2+i) postgrads: the last part made things complex and didn't end up real. Extended education is an excellent way to pursue a passion for knowledge. Unfortunately. It's also what sent me off at an unreal angle into another career. and warfare all just play with the toys learning gave them." but not enough money to actually make anyone do so. except this time the victims are the hordes of bodies desperately chasing the few opportunities to feed themselves. and I have enough qualifications to be called "Master-Master.6 Important Things Nobody Tells You About Grad School | Cracked. You search for jobs so that you don't feel like you have to. Now I'm paid to learn about science and apply that knowledge to light sabers. but had less knowledge of the outside world than a post-nuclear vault dweller. like all loving relationships. Mathematically speaking. greed.com 8/9/16.com/blog/6-important-things-nobody-tells-you-about-grad-school/ Page 2 of 4 . I've known dozens of students who felt trapped by their programs. Mike Powell/Digital Vision/Getty Actually. because arguing. http://www. You don't search for jobs to escape from postgraduate school. some students use it as a bunker to hide from the current employment climate.. Learning is how humanity grows up.cracked.. Look for a job. Society only exists because brains can learn. and violence are the childish parts of the species. Patrick Ryan/Lifesize/Getty Images It's like a zombie apocalypse. If you're considering or already in postgrad work . Look for a Job I don't care if you have a position researching the effects of your genitals on a willing group of test subjects. 10:12 PM I love my two and a half postgraduate degrees in physics because. they're still part of me. #6. my work on this system is why I'm not scared to write articles dissing Superman. but academia is the only part of society that acts like it. Luke McKinney For example.

Knowing about the jobs you could take reminds you that learning for a living is a choice you made. But thanks to catastrophic flaws in modern society.com/blog/6-important-things-nobody-tells-you-about-grad-school/ Page 3 of 4 . That's why baseball statistics is a hobby instead of an emergency anesthetic. Without education. Care About the Subject If you're doing a research degree in something you don't care about. this ad contains five entirely made-up scientific-sounding words. it's people who can recite the element matrices of all 649 Pokemon. Deep down we know we need to learn and think. and why you made it. I just remembered that I get paid more than the people who invented this globespanning technology!" The human brain is designed to learn. It's why so many people overanalyze TV shows. With academia. that becomes nanotechnology. #5. Christopher Robbins/Photodisc/Getty Images "In fact. Photos.6 Important Things Nobody Tells You About Grad School | Cracked. every day more people are taught about new brands of toothpaste than about scientific discoveries.000 years ago. what the hell are you http://www. Wikimedia commons They worked out how to record animals 40. Remember That Research Is the Point of Everything Academia is where the human race remembers what brains are actually for. 10:12 PM And you'll eventually hate a prison cell even when it has an unlimited Internet connection. Learning is the only reason we're in charge of the planet instead of hiding from tigers. to actively make you dumber!" #4.com 8/9/16. and cures for disease. and theirs would gore the shit out of Bulbasaur. always and forever. but it's been corralled in universities and made to beg for funding.net/Getty Images "Ha. despite being responsible for all wealth in the first place. The whole point of humanity's extended childhood is to learn and improve its abilities. us included. as if being a human tape recorder was a worthwhile thing to do with a life. the Mars missions.cracked.com/PhotoObjects.

4 kilograms of yougoo.cracked. Research is taking on the previously incomprehensible machinery of the universe with 1. Ph. and under greater pressure. great! Go get paid for doing that! Universities will let you sign up for a subject without passion because that's how they get highly skilled technical laborers for sub-mininum wage.6 Important Things Nobody Tells You About Grad School | Cracked. then head-butting them further out with what's in your skull. It's how we build the future." but "Doctor. learning right up to the bounds of understanding. Notice how the sheer gravity of that question has compressed the question mark into a period because there is no possible answer. students work longer hours than submarine nuclear reactors." or "President. It's a lot of work. Ph.com/blog/6-important-things-nobody-tells-you-about-grad-school/ Page 4 of 4 . 10:12 PM doing." because he knows to find and solve new problems by being intelligent at them.D. You're pledging to permanently expand the sphere of human knowledge by choosing a direction." or "Major. Entering a postgraduate degree means declaring that you will become the world authority on something. http://www. Because nobody knew it until you did.com 8/9/16. Act like it. Only a tiny bit of a specific section of a sub-discipline of something.D. Stockbyte/Stockbyte/GettyImages "OOOW GOD HEADBUTTING THE MICROSCOPE WAS A BAD IDEA. but you will know that bit better than everyone else who has ever lived." This is not something you can clock into like a day job.s are where education reveals its true form: not teaching people what we already know." Not "CEO. It's why the title of science fiction's most brilliant person is "Doctor. If you're prepared to work 20-hour days on something you hate. You are dedicating at least half a decade of the most capable part of your life to becoming the master of something. but learning how to learn what we don't.

Pick a good project. Fast food joints don't pull nonsense like that.com/blog/6-important-things-nobody-tells-you-about-grad-school_p2/ Page 1 of 4 . most professors will totally let you. only take tasks that will help your work or situation. Turning grad students into Morlocks is how you get allegedly smart people to volunteer for slave labor. And pay almost as much.cracked. and stand your ground about taking the time to have a life outside the lab. then leaves to have his own day. They shouldn't have to.m. The whole point of defending a thesis is learning how to argue with more experienced people about how right you are. I've seen labs where the professor arrives at 9 a. scrabbling every hour to complete every assignment you're given to try to get the best marks. http://www. If you act like an obedient schoolchild. 10:13 PM 6 Important Things Nobody Tells You About Grad School #3. and the very first part of being a grown-up is that nobody will tell you. Accepting that academic research means years of inhuman hours at low pay is a parody of the idea of intelligence. you're a grown-up. Take Command You are a grown-up. on Saturday morning just to check that everyone is there. while ringing at random to make sure nobody learned from him.6 Important Things Nobody Tells You About Grad School | Cracked. Pixland/Pixland/Getty Images The Internet can severely damage this process. but doing it only because grown-ups told you to. You need to start that early. This is an imago of adulthood: mature enough to resolve fiendishly difficult research problems.com 8/9/16.

it's actually training.com 8/9/16. And they still need to learn how to deal with people. The only skill more vital for scientists is the ability to look cool in a lab coat. That's why I'm looking at a packet of raspberries.com/blog/6-important-things-nobody-tells-you-about-grad-school_p2/ Page 2 of 4 .cracked. Lesson 1: You will have to put up with precisely as much shit as you're prepared to. 10:13 PM But that's because postgrads are all about learning. But just like the rest of your student life." We're overturning the stereotype of scientists as shy communication misfires. that's another way for the university to get cheap workers. It's still true of some students. and the real world. but it became a stereotype for a reason. It doesn't matter if you're studying artificial intelligence in drone bodies: Until you get those researchobots finished. too. George Doyle/Stockbyte/Getty Images "I don't even have a degree. because that's not a funding package. (This lesson applies to every subject. people who can communicate http://www.) #2.6 Important Things Nobody Tells You About Grad School | Cracked. I just walked in one day. Teach and Tutor Some students resent the requirement to teach tutorials as part of their funding package. You're learning how to explain things to people who don't understand it.

But just hiding gives the real world time to go find a baseball bat. Goodshoot/Goodshoot/GettyImages "Yes. a mind-expanding environment unparalleled in all of history.com/blog/6-important-things-nobody-tells-you-about-grad-school_p2/ Page 3 of 4 .' How did you even get this number?" If you spend four years doing the bare minimum. Teaching assigned classes only scrapes a few dollars. it's a focus for your future. Strongly Consider Your Job You know how you looked for a job at the start? Never stop doing that. and already have 20 labs who've made great cases for 10 labs' worth of money. Mom. #1. Coffee and doughnuts. Your CV should be updated more often than your haircut.cracked.6 Important Things Nobody Tells You About Grad School | Cracked. Academia can be the greatest place in existence. or more exciting projects to apply it to. You'll have an urge to stop checking the job situation because the real world is scary. It reminds you that you're actively choosing to learn instead of making money." Going postgraduate because your degree can't find you a job is like diving because you can't fix your submarine. To the people who got a job back when you went postgraduate. standing with one foot on a burning drone to urge the human resistance to seize the time machine. or you. 10:13 PM with others will still do better in every field. You've swapped the real world for a http://www. but hiding from it only gives the problem time to drink water and store up barrels of that acidic piss called "lack of experience. funding is about communicating results to people who don't even care about them. but pre-exam grinds are a seasonal harvest of pure cash. Looking for work may be a soul-corroding exercise in self-abasement.com 8/9/16. It's not just a parachute. then those are exactly what you'll bring to the working world. with a newly invented Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator. If you're not planning on coming out of your Ph. Teaching is also a great way to boost your student income immediately. my job plan is still 'find Atlantis. so you'd better learn as hard as you can. You're in an educational bonus level. becoming the master of finding free coffee and doughnuts in meetings. charismatic public speakers will become even more important. you'd have been better off coming out swinging while it was still unarmed. More importantly. Research is all about communicating results to other people.D. There has never been a better time to fill your mind. And when you do get them finished.

Should You Go to College? and The 7 Dumbest Things Students Do When Cramming for Exams. For more college advice. but a Ph. tumbles.com 8/9/16. is how you say "No thanks. check out 7 Tips for Not Screwing Up College. using your brain instead of beating it to death against bar codes and spreadsheets and sales reports and all the other jobs that only exist because robots aren't quite good or cheap enough yet. and responds to every single tweet. you've swapped the world for nothing.D. Most people don't get to do that. 10:13 PM chance to learn what you love.cracked. http://www. The better option is to keep learning. A proper degree will help you get a job. Then reaching out to push it a little bit further. Research lets you turn your soul into a fascination engine. but they're so tired that those things become Breaking Bad and unconsciousness. consuming the output of human intelligence. Most people have to train their brain to endure the hours until they get to think about things they like. But if you don't take that learning seriously.6 Important Things Nobody Tells You About Grad School | Cracked. I love this stuff.com/blog/6-important-things-nobody-tells-you-about-grad-school_p2/ Page 4 of 4 . always. Luke also looks at Even More Sexist Commenters." There is no feeling like filling your mind with intelligence you love. living and breathing the very pinnacle of human progress.