JAIME GUMB’S LAIR - DAY.
JAMIE GUMB, (30) serial killer from Silence of the Lambs, is preparing for a job interview. The light is low. Jaime stands in front of a mirror putting on his suit and tie, naked from the waste down. JAIME GUMBB (Deep slow voice, applying lip gloss) Oh Wait... I'm here for the job interview. I'm here for the interview. (puts penis between his legs and starts to dance seductively) I'd hire me. I'd hire me. I'd pay me something to do something within an organization. FADE DOWN INT. CHRYSALIS DERMATOLOGY - LOBBY - DAY. A rather posh medical office lobby with beautiful paintings of butterflies and moths on the walls. A few WOMEN sit waiting for their appointments. A perky secretary FREDERICKA (20’s) mans the phones. FREDERICKA Chrisyalis Dermatology, serving greater Buffalo’s dermatological needs, hold please... (Gumb approaches, stands awkwardly over Fredericka) Chrisyalis Dermatology, serving greater Buffalo’s dermatological needs, hold please... Can I help you sir? JAIME GUMBB Gumb, JAMIE, here to see Chatrice Nightengale about the technician’s position. FREDERICKA She’ll be with you in just a few moments Mr. Gumb. (continues answering the phones as Gumb just stands there) (MORE)
2. FREDERICKA (cont'd) Chrisyalis Dermatology, serving greater Buffalo’s dermatological needs, hold please... (freaked by Gumb) Do you need something Mr. Gumb? Some water? The bathroom key? JAIME GUMB I’m okay, thank you. FREDERICKA Then please take a seat and we’ll call you shortly. Jaime turns toward the waiting women. He moves to the last available seat next to a GIRL (20s) trying to read a magazine. He slowly grazes her meaty shoulders. JAIME GUMB Are you about a size seven? I’m sorry. GIRL
JAIME GUMB What’s your dress size? The girl avoids this strange question, continues reading. Gumb limps over to a small table with a television on it, acts like his back is injured. He tries to push the table. GIRL What are you doing? JAIME GUMB I’ve got a bad back. I want to watch this television program. The girl sighs, annoyed, moves to help him. JAIME GUMB Oh, you’re so kind. You’re so very kind. The girl leans over to push the table, Gumb easily lifts the television over his head, about to smash her... FREDERICKA Mr. Gumb, (Gumb puts down the television) Chatrice will you see you now. Last door on your right.
3. INT. CHRYSALIS DERMATOLOGY - HALLWAY/CHATRICE’S OFFICE. Homage shot: Gumb walks down the creepy all white hallway to find Chatrice Nightengale standing in the middle of her office staring at him (a la Lecter). He moves to her, SMACKS, directly into a plexiglas wall. CHATRICE NIGHTENGALE Our offices are covered in UV protective glass. Should have warned ya! INT. CHATRICE’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Chatrice is a sharp, Jodi Foster like medical manager at the clinic. As she pours over Mr. Gumb resume she clicks a pen incessantly. Gumb waits nervously. CHATRICE NIGHTENGALE (West Virginian accent) Impressive CV Mr. Gumb. Two years at Rochester’s school of Entomology; Master Seamstress, and three years performing in an off Broadway production of Hedwig. But tell me, what makes you think you can think you can work as a medical technician at Chrysalis? You have no previous medical training? JAMIE GUMB Oh wait... (hands crumpled paper from pocket) I forgot this. CHATRICE NIGHTENGALE A medical degree from Phoenix University, the online college? A joke, right? Gumb glances at Chatrice’s wall, sees: a degree from John Hopkins University. JAMIE GUMB I also have a degree from John Hopkins.
4. CHATRICE NIGHTENGALE Oh yeah, no kidding? God small world. Did you have Skones for anatomy? Gumb sees a framed picture of Chatrice with her diploma, standing next to a portly woman. JAMIE GUMB Oh wait, was she like that great big fat person? CHATRICE NIGHTENGALE Yes sir, she was a big girl, sir. No. JAMIE GUMB
(beat) I did all my lab work in the real world. CHATRICE NIGHTENGALE I didn’t know that was possible, you mean like an exchange program? JAMIE GUMB Ah, exchange yeah, usually of bodily fluids. CHATRICE NIGHTENGALE That’s funny, a sense of humor will go far in a doctor’s office. JAMIE GUMB I can smell your blunt. CHATRICE NIGHTENGALE Oh, that! (revealing some incense from under her desk) It’s a little frankincense, it helps mask some of the ointments they use on the severe acne vulgaris patients or “pizza faces” as we call em. JAMIE GUMB That’s not kind. CHATRICE NIGHTENGALE Mr. Gumb, I’m going to cut to the chase. We’re looking for someone with a little more experience. (MORE)
5. CHATRICE NIGHTENGALE (cont'd) Preferably a medical technician, AOCD certified. JAMIE GUMB But, I have house payments. CHATRICE NIGHTENGALE I’m sorry, it’s against the law to put someone on our medical machinery without board certification. You could hurt someone. You could hurt yourself. JAMIE GUMB (getting upset) You don’t know what pain is! CHATRICE NIGHTENGALE Yeah, try delivering twenty four pounds of twin through a fist sized hole, then get back to me. JAMIE GUMB (starting to cry) Precious... Precious.... CHATRICE NIGHTENGALE Yes, childbirth is a miraculous, painful gift. JAMIE GUMB Nobody understands skin better than me. It’s many uses. I’d be a valuable addition to any upper crust dermatology clinic. CHATRICE NIGHTENGALE Have you tried applying to tanning salons? Maybe, burn victim rehabilitation facilities? Gumb reveals a large bottle of white creamy lotion from his man purse. CHATRICE NIGHTENGALE I’m afraid, I don’t understand. JAMIE GUMB (quietly) She rubs the lotion on her skin. What? CHATRICE NIGHTENGALE
6. JAMIE GUMB (louder) She rubs the lotion on her skin. Who? CHATRICE NIGHTENGALE
JAMIE GUMB (wailing) She rubs the lotion on her skin or else she gets the hose again. CHATRICE NIGHTENGALE Oh, you want me to rub... (smells the lotion) Hmm, smells like lavender... Mmmm... JAMIE GUMB
Chatrice smears a dollop on her arm and rubs it in. Smiles. What it’s it’s like CHATRICE NIGHTENGALE is that an exfoliant? Oh, cooling to the touch and now warming, an analgesic. Oh, I it.
JAMIE GUMB Built in sunscreen, paba oils for pliability and my secret ingredient for that extra kick! CHATRICE NIGHTENGALE What is it? JAMIE GUMB I’m not telling. C’mon... Uh uh... CHATRICE NIGHTENGALE JAMIE GUMB
In JAMIE’s man purse we see: a bottle of head and shoulders shampoo. Gumb gets up to leave. CHATRICE NIGHTENGALE Look, I like you. There’s something... feminine about you. Tell you what, this is clearly a product that will have some legs. (Gumb laughs to himself) (MORE)
7. CHATRICE NIGHTENGALE (cont'd) Maybe we can put some on the shelves and see how it does, after all, the consumer is king. We’ll have to get some flashier packaging though. JAMIE GUMB Red, red sells. CHATRICE NIGHTENGALE Let me just close the loop here with my partner. (on intercom) Ah wonderful new vendor came in with some samples of a... (thinking out loud) rejuvenation cream... (Gumb gives thumbs up) Lunch, hmmm, I’ll ask him. You hungry? JAMIE GUM Maybe something light. A door opens. A WIRY MAN (50S) with thinning hair and cold, beady eyes, appears. MAN Mr. Gumb, please, I’ve some fois gras and a chablis on ice, we’ll discuss the roll out plan of your new product line. Gumb moves towards the door, the little man pushes him through, says to Chatrice. MAN Hold me calls. CHATRICE NIGHTENGALE Yes Doctor Lecter.