No one passes through life unhurt.

Insults, betrayals, bad parenting, the list of things that can happen to us as we journey is exhaustive. These leave scars on us. Physically and mentally. The heart is fragile, especially when it’s young and not fully formed.

What is the result of this?
Anger, sadness. The need for forgiveness work. This book will provide it all for you. You'll deal with the crippling emotions that you've harboured inside you. Then you'll clear out any remaining resentments. Finally, you'll learn how to handle any thing in the future so that you won’t even need anger and sadness work.

Table of Contents:
Introduction Table of contents How to use this book It might kill you otherwise: Anger Release 7 Steps to uncrush your soul: Grief and Sadness Release 6 Steps to healing the festering wounds How to be a rock in a chaotic world It might ruin your life otherwise: Managing Fresh Anger Conclusion Information Hah! Tricked you!

How to use this manifesto
I like the word manifesto. Strictly speaking such eBooks can't be considered manifestos but the online world doesn't seem to care, so I won't. It makes this document sound important, hehe. The processes I documented in this eBook are a result of my own experiences, years of reading and consulting with professionals. The first step to becoming free is to deal with your own past. The past can come up in many ways - most importantly in your emotions and hence your relationships, health and your entire life. I recommend clearing your emotions in the following order: Anger, then grief. The articles are arranged in this order for a reason. Sometimes they come in a cycle; deal with each emotion as they arise. After clearing out these major emotions, you'll often find that slight traces remain. These slight traces are dealt with in a different manner, described in the third article. The final article is a way of stopping any future events from hurting you - stopping you from ever needing the first three articles again. Wouldn't that be great?

If it is something that you cannot handle, please do not feel ashamed to seek out professional help. This eBook is for educational purposes only. You and you alone are responsible for what you do with it. By reading this you agree that he will assume no liability or responsibility to any person or entity for any loss or damage related directly or indirectly to this article.

How to navigate
There are many ways you can navigate this document: 1) You can use the navigation bar below. 2) You can use the arrow keys on your keyboard ( ) to go back one page, and ( ) to go forward. 3) You can right click to go forward or left click to go back.

It will kill you otherwise: Releasing Anger
Anger is crippling. It colours everything. Every moment of your day is influenced by it. It is often linked to depression. There is no way to achieve true, lasting happiness with it inside you. There is no way you can have a proper romantic relationship. Sadness and anger don’t just go away by themselves. Many people suffer from these emotions. Do you? It will kill you.

The Incredible Hulk isn’t so fun in real life
I suffered from anger issues years ago. I was depressed. Often described as a gentle and polite “teddy-bear” guy as I was younger, I was a changed man. I managed to hide it for long periods of time, but when I blew up, I blew up. I became verbally abusive and irrational. It hurt the people who were around me and loved me the most. It ruined my relationships with my girlfriends and my family. I spiralled down into a deep depression that lasted for more then a year – and badly declining physical health. Anger leads to rage. Broken families, stress and misery, poor physical health, it has even been linked to cancer. When you conquer yourself, though, you drop all that emotional weight. You feel like a new person. Your self-esteem and confidence grows as you begin to master yourself. And you’ll have taken a major step towards true happiness. What more do you need to know?

Understanding it

First you have to understand anger. It is simply an energy. Don’t make yourself wrong for being angry. It is a protection system. It lets you know something is wrong. Someone is crossing your boundaries. When you can’t handle it properly, it becomes rage. Now, rage is wrong. It is anger overloaded. It causes you to become abusive or even violent. It is toxic. What do I mean? Emotions are like vegetables. When they are fresh, they are fine. But when they’ve been in the fridge for a long time, they go toxic!

How to deal with Anger
There are many exercises for releasing anger that I’ve come across in all the various methods or therapies. I present them here - stripped down to the essentials here. Note that you need to do this a few times. Pain comes in waves, and often one try won’t be enough to release all that pent-up energy.

Step One
There are many causes of anger or sadness; bad parenting, childhood bullies, past lovers. Try to trace it back to its roots, understand it, and try to give it a voice. This is vital. Don’t skip it.

Step Two
Find a safe location. Somewhere you can scream and act out your anger. You can be alone, or you can be with a person you trust and who won’t be afraid.

Step Three

Let it out! Scream it out! Act it out – there are vocal and physical components. Both are important ingredients, you cannot have one and not the other. You might feel weird and self-conscious doing this, it’s normal. Don’t give up. Sometimes you can’t do it. You feel something holding you back. Keep trying; it’ll come. So: Say everything you’ve always wanted to say. Even if it’s just a string of vulgarities, do it! Yell, become the yell. Scream until your whole body trembles from head to toe. In conjunction, do something physical. a) Kneel like you're praying. Find a large pillow. Make a hammer fist with your hands (Not a boxing style fist, you might hurt your wrist). And start pounding the pillow with all your might until you can’t go any more. b) Some people like twisting more. Find a towel, and twist it like you are trying to wring out every last drop of water.

Step Four
Repeat. Do it over and again. You’ll feel, one day, that all your repressed anger is gone. It might take weeks, it might take days, it’s different for everyone, but you will recognise it when it comes.

Uncrush your Soul: Sadness Release
The next step after anger is sadness. Both usually come together, but due to the way we are wired, we often can't access our grief without getting rid of the anger. Without dealing with it, any happiness you achieve will not be true or lasting. Everyone runs around searching for happiness – in parties, romance, travel, or drugs. Other people use alcohol or work extra hard. And none of it ever works. Nothing can make them truly happy. Why is this so? Lingering sadness. I believe almost everyone has sadness inside them that they don't show. They don't know how to deal with it. Sometimes they don't even know it - the hurt is often repressed. So: pluck up some courage and some honesty. It's time to look deep inside, find and fix that pain.

How to untangle your heart
Imagine a gruesome physical injury. Imagine dripping blood. Imagine internal organs hanging out of a human body. Now imagine that it is your body. There is a strong natural reluctance to looking at it - you might grimace and look away. Even if you have a strange fascination with it, you still don't want to get close. There is a similar mess inside your heart. We don't want to look at it, or get close. We fear reopening old wounds. But unless we reach in and untangle that mess, it

will always be there, rotting away inside you, until you spiral down into depression and a ruined life! 1. Find somewhere you can be alone. Sit quietly and think for a moment: Is there anything you cannot let go of? Is there anything that keeps coming into your mind that – even for a second – drops you into gloom? Such thoughts might seem like minor or ordinary. Don't discount them though, for they are symptoms of repressed sadness. 2. Close your eyes and be still. Breathe deep. Try to give the sadness a voice. Why are you sad? If you are the sadness, what would you say? 3. Let yourself feel the sadness. Don't repress it. Face everything you compulsively think about but try to ignore or forget. How does it feel? How does it make your body want to react? 4. Really get into it. What happened to you? In what way does it hurt you? Do you feel trivialised, insulted, abused, abandoned, or betrayed? Let your body react the way it wants to - if you want to curl up and cry, then do so. It's normal to feel weird or self-conscious, just keep going! 5. Are there any internal blocks? Is there a little voice that says "Men don't cry"? Is there a voice telling you that you've already dealt with it? Or it's nothing serious? That is denial. Keep going! 6. Cry! Have you forgotten how to cry? What you want to achieve is deep crying, the kind that is physically takes over your chest or more. If all you can get are a few tears that is fine too. In fact if you haven’t cried for a long time, it might be all you get the first time. 7. Personally I find it helps to sit in a corner somewhere on the floor and cry. Maybe it echoes with childhood pain. Get a motel if you have to, so no-one can see you (if you live with someone). Cry, and cry, and cry. It's releasing. Say

everything you’ve always wanted to say. Don’t censor yourself. Tell the person who hurt you what they did to you, how deeply they have cut you.

Final tips
You might need several tries. Pain comes in waves, and often times one attempt won’t be enough to release all that pent-up energy. Why did the last few steps seem repetitive? There are often so many internal blocks that you have to overcome, and we have to deal with each individually. When I did this I had major blocks stopping me. I couldn't cry. I haven't cried in years - I was drilled since childhood not to cry. What a bad mistake, but one that many parents make with boys.

Men and sadness
It is normal to be sad when something happens – but many people, especially men, are told to repress it and not show it. “Boys don’t cry.” “Men shed blood, not tears.” I've read about (modern) cultures where men were killed by their comrades for crying. Can you imagine how much pain they have to hold inside? It is acceptable to wait for a fitting time (being alone for example) to show it, but do not hold it in or pretend it doesn’t exist. If you feel it then it is there. No need to rationalise it or intellectualise it. Accept and honour your feelings. Find a time and place to deal with it. Note: while women can cry in front of their friends, do it alone if you are male even if your wife or girlfriend wants to support you, don't let her! The damage to your image and her respect for you will be irreparable. Trust me on this one.

6 Steps to healing the remaining wounds
You've now dealt with the crippling emotions. But what remains? Chronic pain and sadness that has been hurting for so long that you have subconsciously blocked it out. The toxicity continues to eat us from the inside. It'll be surprising, what you can uncover when you dig deep to heal yourself. Are you brave enough?

We are used to hurting!
There is a physical analogy for this that I have: A few years ago, a minor spine injury I suffered in sports began hurting so much that I desperately began looking for health care practitioners that could fix it. After several weeks, I eventually found one who fixed it. The pain disappeared for days. A week later, my spine started hurting again! At first I thought he didn’t fix the injury properly, and that it had returned. I went back to him, feeling cheated. But it wasn’t the case. He checked my spine, and told me that in fact, he had fixed that injury. The pain I was feeling was in fact the pain that I have been carrying for years prior, caused by poor posture and obesity. I had become so used to it that it didn’t register consciously. The reason it felt like fresh pain to me was because I had been pain-free the week before. This is the case for emotional pain as well. Much like old physical injuries, they have a way of destroying your body slowly, sometimes without you noticing.

The Tools: Checking deep inside yourself
Get into a habit of doing the exercise described below regularly; at the end of every day if you have time; otherwise at the end of a week. This pain can come creeping in through many little ways. Do it even if you feel fine! Remember, your conscious mind might have blocked out pain to stop you from hurting, but it is still there. 1. The first step to this is to find a quiet space where you can be alone. 2. Take a few deep breaths. If you watch your breath, you won’t even need to make it purposely deep. Just observe it, feel the air as it enters your nose and goes down your airways into your lungs. It’ll naturally enter deep into your belly. Practise this for a minute or two, until your emotions settle and you are calm and quiet. 3. Allow yourself to feel safe. For some, gazing at yourself can be scary. Know that while it might be difficult, it is nothing you cannot handle, and the results are worth it. 4. Now just invite anything to come into your space. It could be flashbacks, bodily sensations, or an emotional sensation, or a voice expressing what you feel. Most likely it is there already, but you have not noticed it. 5. Don’t fight it. Accept it. Let any emotions bubble up to the front. If you have to laugh, cry, or rage, then do so. Do not suppress it. Let it run until the charge is spent. 6. Once you’ve come out of it, you might want to write down what you experienced or relived.

What to expect
These quick checks often reveal bodily sensations. Sometimes it reveals tightness in the chest or neck, or a heat, or a dark heavy feeling. Often minor sensations will disappear simply because you have accepted it and begun slow breathing. Stronger emotions run deeper and will require continued work and will have to wait until you can go somewhere you can spend time alone.

True freedom at last
I tried this a few weeks ago, after a long period of emotional work. I had been feeling on top of the world. Surprisingly, I discovered a deep sadness still inside me. This exercise cleared out the rest. Another time I did this exercise was when I was consciously upset over a recent relationship break-up. I thought I knew the reason I was upset – loneliness and a broken heart – but as I discovered, relationship break-ups often trigger older feelings, such as abandonment and hurt. Doing this exercise brought back several childhood memories, long forgotten or repressed, that were multiplying the hurt. Identifying them it allowed me to make much headway in clearing out the cobwebs.

Take action!
Clearing out these background resentments will allow you to achieve true, lasting happiness. And what other life is worth living?

How to be a rock in a chaotic world
Finally, let's have a look at a concept that allow nothing to affect your peace meaning that you'll never need the first three articles again. Imagine being a rock in the turmoil of the world around you. Imagine the power, the security, the peace, and the calm. Is it reserved only for the highest spiritual masters? It might sound like it, but no. It is available to you now. The quote below hides the secret. “When hot be thoroughly hot, when cold be thoroughly cold.” I forgot where I read it, I don't even know if I quoted it right. But over the years it’s stuck with me. Can you find the secret?

Roll with the punches
Non-resistance. Earth-shattering, it might not seem, but read on. Inner resistance disrupts peace. Although this applies to everything that can happen in life, we'll use something in the quote as an example Extreme heat is something that makes many people uncomfortable and grumpy. Why? The automatic reaction is to fight the heat. Turn the air-con on, take a shower.

That's fine. But what if you can't? What if you have to sit in a boiling room for an hour? Don't fight it. Fighting it is what causes the discomfort. Telling yourself "I don't want this; I wish I was somewhere else, I hate this feeling." This inner resistance is not your fault; it is simply an automatic response. This article will help you to recognise that habit, and help you break it. What happens when you break it? If, in the middle of summer, you simply let yourself be hot, without complaining mentally or vocally, and simply feel the heat, won’t there be true peace?

A burning hot example
To help explain, let me myself as an example. I was searching for peace and happiness. It consumed me. But I went about it the wrong way. I tried to fix everything that made me unhappy on an individual basis. Argument with my girlfriend? Hit the books and find a tactic to deal with it. That worked until a different problem came up. Then open the books again. It didn't work well. My core personality was still the same, and my peace was easily disturbed and fragile. Then something happened that no Self-Help book can fix. Extreme heat. It was in the middle of a 48 degree Celsius heatwave. I was stuck in the middle of an important evening class. The fan was on, but with 50 people in the room we were burning. It made me grumpy and irritated. I couldn't concentrate. My thoughts began drifting back to past hurts and memories, no matter what I tried to do. As the

class continued my mood got worse and worse. The heat seemed to get more and more unbearable. Why was this so? I was resisting the heat. I wanted to finish the class so I couldn't leave. Then I tried just letting myself be hot. There was no resistance to it. I turned off my mind. I let myself stop thinking. I simply let myself feel the heat. What does it feel like? A warm sensation on my skin. My skin was sticky. The air seemed heavy. These sensations in themselves were not bad. They were only bad because I made them bad. No sensation in itself is good or bad, it is only your mind that makes it good or bad. Why is being sweaty irritating? It was just a sensation, no different to the sensation of rolling around in the softest silk sheets. Only our mind makes the artificial distinction. Turn the mind off. When it's off, it can no longer make a story around the heat, and then what you are feeling just becomes a sensation. Without any resistance to it, it means nothing any more. In my meditation class, after a while, the heat actually became quite pleasant.

Go with the flow
Can you see how this might apply to many events that are happening in your life? Are you living in a house that you are unhappy with? Are you being stood up by your date? Is someone shouting at you? By letting go of inner resistance, you go with the flow, you roll with the punch, and you take away most of the pain.

Sleeping in a small house doesn’t feel that much different from sleeping in a huge mansion. Sitting alone at a café waiting for a date that never shows up feels no different from sitting at a café alone because you want to be alone. Someone shouting at you is no different from someone whispering sweet nothings in your ear. It might hurt your ego, it might hurt your pride, but who you are, your essential core being, is unaffected. This principle appears in major philosophies worldwide, and in the works of many great thinkers. But most of them just don't explain it. I don't know why, perhaps it works better if you figure it out for yourself. "The willow which bends to the tempest, often escapes better than the oak which resists it; and so in great calamities, it sometimes happens that light and frivolous spirits recover their elasticity and presence of mind sooner than those of a loftier character." - Albert Schweitzer

Important warning!
This philosophy is not encouraging you to let yourself be abused, or anything of the sort. I’m talking about inner resistance, which is different from outer resistance. For example, if someone is slapping you around, I’m not recommending you stand there and let them do it! Do something! Calling the police is not inner resistance, it’s not wrong. Get out of it! But once it is over, it is over. It doesn't exist any more. Die to the past every moment. He or she is no longer abusing you; learn from your mistakes and never let it happen again. If you are in a poor financial situation and you don’t like it, I’m not saying that you just be poor forever. If you like it, then more power to you. But if you don’t

want to be poor, work on getting out of poverty. That is not inner resistance; that is growing. But what if you get angry and upset, thinking about it over and again? That is inner resistance, and that is the cause of unhappiness. When hot be thoroughly hot, when cold be thoroughly cold.

It might ruin your life otherwise: Managing Anger
Some things can't be undone. Remember the last time you lost control of your temper? The last time you said or did something you shouldn’t have? What did you lose? Trust, a business deal, a friend, a lover? Anger is an emotion we must all learn to deal with. I wish school taught us how to, but it didn’t.

What is Anger?
Anger is a protective mechanism. It is not wrong or bad in itself. It serves you by letting you and others know that your personal boundaries were crossed - that something is wrong. There is nothing wrong if expressed in a mature and assertive manner. It is unhealthy only when it goes out of control and turns into rage. For our purposes, anger can be split into two broad categories: Anger from the past, and fresh anger. Past anger is the protection device has gone wrong. It remains from events we have not forgiven. It means well – it is trying to protect us from similar events in the future – but it's actually hurting us by keeping the anger alive in us. It lies just beneath us ready to explode on anyone who triggers it. Such bottled emotion also hurts us - it can lead to cancer, hypertension, and high blood pressure, among others. It also warps our very personality over time – you can become constantly hostile or cynical. The very first section in this book deals with

it. But what if it flashes on you and takes over before you know what you are doing? And how do we deal with the actual situation? This is what we deal with here.

Recognising Anger
The first step to deal with it is recognising it. It’s easy for intense anger. If you find yourself behaving in ways that are strange or frightening, take steps. Don’t be afraid to seek professional help. But even mild irritation and frustration counts – those feelings are just lower on the scale. The moment you feel changes in yourself – no matter how mild – realise there is a potential for worse. Physical symptoms to look out for include increased heartbeat, sweaty palms, tenseness of the muscles (especially the chest), weakness, heat and sweating. Mental symptoms include a blank mind, trouble concentrating, and changed speech (lower voice and shorter sentences).

Recognising Your Triggers
Make a list of your common triggers. Everybody has a unique set of what pisses them off. Knowing yours gives you a great advantage in stopping yourself before you are overcome by your emotions. For example, someone swearing at you would likely piss you off. Most people will. But it doesn’t affect me. Swear words and raging doesn’t get to me at all. But what makes me lose my cool are snide remarks and cockiness. Knowing this makes it easier for me to catch myself before I lose control in a similar situation. What are your triggers? They could be external or internal. A specific person

could make you angry. An event, like a traffic jam or a computer virus, could trigger you. Internal events are often overlooked – even though your outside world is calm, you could brood or worry about your personal problems. Memories of previous events can also trigger you. What you have to really watch out for, is not the slowly rising anger but the flashes of angry thought – “HOW DARE HE!” - and so on. These thoughts can come in out of nowhere.

The Childish Way to handle Anger
The instinctive way to express anger is to respond aggressively. It stems from evolution – in our past, it allows us to fight and defend ourselves if attacked. But nowadays there are a lot more limits and repercussions. Some people don’t care; they get verbally or physically abusive anyway. Others realise this and they end up repressing their anger. Sometimes they bottle it up and die from the inside. Sometimes they keep it long enough to take it out on someone “safe”. We can’t show the boss we’re angry at her, so we take it out on our lover, our kids, or someone else who has no power over us. And so the misery spreads.

The Way of the Adult
So what is the mature, healthy way to express anger? Assertively and firmly, but with tact and respect for all parties and involved. You don’t have to be pushy or demanding but you don’t have to be a doormat and get walked all over.

Step One: Turn off your thoughts
In the “how to be a rock” section, I suggested turning off your thoughts. By doing so, you stop the cycle. The remaining emotions will take a while to cool

off, in the same way the coals of a fire remain hot even after the fire is out. Keeping a cool head alone will mean the difference between childish and mature reactions.

Step Two: Take time off if you need to
If the emotions are so strong that you need more time to cool off, excuse yourself politely and leave the room for a while. Changing the environment you are in helps. Here’s a tip from NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming): Smile and look up at the sky or the ceiling. I heard it’s impossible to be angry when your body is arranged like that. While unlikely, the anger might remain inside you or pop up in the future. Hold it and express it when you can be alone.

Step Three: Recognising Self Talk
Anger often distorts your thoughts and turns them negative. Learn to keep everything in perspective. A situation often is not as bad as you think it is. When your car has broken down and you’re late for something important, your distorted self talk could be “Oh my God! I’m dead! She’ll dump me!” But once you have cooled down by turning off the thoughts, your thoughts and self talk will change. Try to direct them towards figuring out a way to fix things and manage the situation instead of whining about it. It is during the big rages that this step is important. Knowing your list of triggers, prepare now a list of positive self talk for each of those. A good way to remind yourself to stop your thoughts is to have a phrase “Stay calm, relax, breathe!”

Some people recommend “rehearsing”. Imagine that one of your triggers is happening. Rehearse yourself keeping cool in your mind. It does help but be careful that you don’t start reliving old hurts again – there is a part of you that enjoys misery and will encourage you to.

Step Four: The past is dead – deal with it
In the previous post, I recommended dying to the past at every moment. The moment something happens, it is in the past and doesn’t exist any more – except in your memory. This eases your burden. Let’s use a small and recent example. A few days ago I posted some of my articles on a social bookmarking service. The first comment I got a few seconds later was someone deriding all personal development material as …well… homosexual. It affected me for 10 seconds until I realised it doesn’t exist any more (unless I go back and read it again). Second of all, it doesn’t mean anything. My ego is hurt, but me – I am unaffected. The emotions churned for a few more seconds, and then disappeared. I realise not all everything can be fixed by ignoring it. In this case, if the man was in front of me and continues to hassle me, I will have to do something about it.

Emotional Intelligence
The best way is to express your feelings. Do this firmly and assertively and yet with respect and tact. Tell them that this is making you angry. This is what the protection system is for - let them know that they are crossing the line. Most disagreements or situations can be worked out. Everyone has wants and needs, and will be reasonable if you can meet them with a cool head. But you

do meet people who enjoy hurting you for the sake of it. They get pleasure out of your pain, even if they get no other benefit. Deal with them individually – but keep your cool. Also remember that violence will have many repercussions in the future – either revenge, or the police will get involved, or a simple punch up could develop into something involving knives. Sometimes it is better to just walk away.

Thus concludes this little eBook. I hope it helps. Spread the love! If the information in this book is not enough, please visit the Urban Monk website, especially the forgiveness articles. This eBook will be one of many. Check the website frequently for updates. The website also contains free information on many other aspects of Self-Help and Personal Development, such as: More Emotional Mastery Finance and Career Life and Effectiveness Skills Leadership and Power Masculinity Meditation Mental Mastery Metaphysics Philosophy and Spirituality Self Esteem and Confidence Social and dating Warrior Arts and Philosophy

About the Author
Albert Foong went through years of intense growth and study after a series of unfortunate events in his early twenties awakened him to how much unhappiness he lived in, and how weak he was in almost every area of life. He had to learn starting from scratch in almost every area of life. It's been a long journey and he's still going. But he wants to freely share all he has learnt. Read more at

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If it is something that you cannot handle, please do not feel ashamed to seek out professional help. This eBook is for educational purposes only. You and you alone are responsible for what you do with it. By reading this you agree that he will assume no liability or responsibility to any person or entity for any loss or damage related directly or indirectly to this article.

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Please give this document to as many people as you want. Print it, email it, put it on P2P networks, anything. It helps to spread the love and the more people read it, the more happiness there is in the world. While I have no delusions about being some kind of guru, I do believe it will make a difference, however slight. The only two restrictions are: 1) Please do not modify this document in any way. 2) Please do not charge for this document.

This work is Copyright © 2007 Albert Foong.

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