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"Love that causes illnes

Parent/child and couple relationships are intrinsically relationships of love. If love is


missing in such of relationship, then the most essential part of the relationship is
lacking. Such relationships then become purely functional. Conflicts in functional
relationships cannot be solve with goodwill but only with cold objectivity, intellectual
debates, and ultimately with aggression and violence.
Under trauma conditions, "loving" also becomes a survival strategy. This can assume
different forms:
- The lack of love frequently goes unnoticed.
- The fact that no longer exists is denied.
- Love is dismissed as "romantic nonsense that cannot afford" or as "psychological
rubbish".
- Money and property are used as compensation for authentic love.
- The addictive search for the state of being in love is intended to take the place of real
love.
- The longing for an all-embracing, perpetual and everlasting love is lived out in the
imagination and in religious, spiritual or esoteric worlds.
- By "sweet-talking" someone and telling them what they want to hear, the semblance of
love is created, but this actually conceals rejection and indifference.
- Narcissistic self-reflection is disguised as love.
- In the worst case even violence is presented as love.
If parents are traumatised, their attachment ability suffers and with that their ability to
love. This is noticeable first of all as a negative effect in the person's relationship to their
partner, followed by their relationship to their children. The fact that mothers and
fathers may be incapable of love is expressed in different ways towards children:
- by rejection with or without physical violence,
- by unpredictable oscilation between focussing on them and ignoring them,
- by offloading their feelings of trauma onto the children,
- as hope that the pure and innocent love of children will compensate for everything
else.

It can mean various different things to a child if he is not loved by his own parents to the
extent that he requires for his healty development: I am not noticed! I am not important
and neither are my needs! I am being physically and emotionally abused! I shouldn't
rally be alive! I shouldn't be here! I should be someone else entirely! These are
unbearable experiences for the psyche of a child. If the child's basic human need for his
parents' love is frustrated it can build until the feelings of fear, anger, shame and pain
are intolerable for the child and he has to split psychologically in order to be able to
endure and remain in the attachement relationship to his mother and father. A child
who is unloved by his parents, or overloaded with illusions of love and offers of
entangling love, has to suppres his uncontrollable feelings and split off his need for love
(wich is always directed towards his parents) from his real experiences.
Depending on their individual circumstances, their personal nature, their position in
relation to their siblings, or their gender, children react differently to this traumatising
relationship with their parents:
- Some become ill and express their distress through physical symptoms.
- Other rebel, cry out their fears and act their anger.
- Yet others withdraw into thenselves, creating distance internally from their parents
without being able to detach themselves emotionally from them." Franz Ruppert