[Roar

]
{Julia}
Students, alumni, and assorted randos, we are here tonight to protest the University’s sudden and
blasphemous decision to prevent Orgo Night from occurring in Butler 209. The administration has shown
that they do not care about fostering a sense of community, which is so sparse here at Columbia. We are
acting in conscious disobedience of the administration and their lack of respect for our freedom of speech
and our right to ORGO. Tonight we are here to get the band to Butler and show you all why any attempt to
move or cancel Orgo Night is a mistake. Columbia needs Orgo Night now, more than ever!
So, ladies and gentlemen, and organic chemistry students, back despite the cold, it’s the most “relocated”
band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Peaceful Assembly!
[Fanfare]
{ROSS}
Featuring:
J. Harvard Soccer: Boys will be Boys
J. Barnard Construction: Noise will be Noise
J. Stephen Bannon: Goys will be Goys
[Fanfare]
{JULIA}
Welcomes itself back to spirited, saccharine, strangely antiseptic, sedulous, sententious, sesquipedalian,
semicircular, semicentennial, solipsistic, recently renovated, yet still in need of renovation! College
Library, where the shelves are long lasting, but sadly not the men, and the women are checked out but
long overdue. As well as leprosy going up, Aleppo going down, and Gary Johnson at an all time what is a
leppo??, the Band now presents its 64th consecutive, 69th semiannual drive to lower the curve in Organic
Chemistry while consummating the world’s largest simultaneous Orgo! And so, in the interest of
everyone’s enjoyment:
{ROSS}
SEAS students, please turn off your Android devices.
{JULIA}
GS students, please turn up your hearing aids.
{ROSS}
CC students, please set your cell phones to vibrate.

{JULIA}
Barnard students, please set your vibrators to phone. Let’s start the show!
[Who Owns]
{JOKE 1– ADMINISTRATIVE SKULLFUCKERY}
{JULIA}
For years, a murder mystery has been brewing at Columbia: who would kill Orgo Night? So many
potential motives, so many suspects. Would it be the protester with the Charmander onesie? Would it be
midnight breakfast with the stack of pancakes? Or would it be the Barnard dean with the impenetrable
gate? No one suspected the true culprit: THE BUTLER. THE BUTLER LIBRARIAN WITH THE NOISE
COMPLAINT!
This week, yes folks, the week of Orgo Night, we in the Band learned we would not be allowed into Butler.
We assumed it was because of our rampant stacks hookups, but in fact, it was because Vice Provost Ann
“thorn in our ass” Thornton thinks Orgo Night is “disruptive” and “loud”, which is like calling Spec “selfimportant” and “bureaucratic”. Of course an event that started as a way to bother premeds would be just
as obnoxious as those premeds! What do you expect us to do, tiptoe into Butler and play Beethoven's
Moonlight Sonata, while we perform pirouettes and gently encourage students to abandon their loved
ones and surrender themselves to their textbooks? She also suggested that we “relocate” to Roone
Auditorium - as if the Band wants to have anything in common with the Varsity Show.
Alumni and Bwog commenters alike have called this skullfuckery a new, major offensive in the War on
Fun. One one side of the struggle are students who want to actually enjoy college. On the other is an
administration only interested in churning out future donors, who will certainly be more inclined to donate
if they never had any fun here to begin with. The most recent War on Fun started with the Barnard guest
policy, because what are security guards for if not slut shaming? Then they decided to corral us like
animals at Bacchanal, the tame excuse to day drink. And now, Orgo Night. We in the band have to ask,
what’s next? Will a Public Safety officer be stationed outside 1020? Or Is Big Sub going to be hidden
behind content warnings for phallic imagery?
It’s almost as if the administration WANTS us to be stressed--after all, there’s nothing better for your
image than being recognized as the most overworked, most sleep-deprived, and most Adderall-addicted
school in the country. According to Ann Thornton's rules, we should even cancel Stressbusters in Butler,
since they're forcing poor students to relax instead of driving themselves further to edge of mental
breakdown. While head librarian Kellyanne Thornton is literally shushing happy students in the library,
Orgo Night reminds us that yes, you are allowed to laugh during Reading Week.
This tradition is decades long for a reason, and it’s not just because we need an extra excuse to make
sex jokes. Rather than waving the white flag of truce, we’re going to wave the white flag of Ann Thornton’s
granny panties. If Thornton is really so dedicated to fucking the Band in the ass, she should at least buy
us all dinner first.
In honor of being loud in libraries, the Band now forms Ann Thornton’s “shushing” finger and plays, Sound
of Disruption.

[SOUND OF SILENCE]
{JOKE 2– ELECTION}
{ROSS}
For the past two years you’ve heard hot takes from everyone. John Oliver, Samantha Bee, Trevor Noah,
your Uncle Pat and almost every other person with a TV show, a podcast, or a mouth. It must feel pretty
exhausting by now, right? It's like one more angle would just be a waste of time...
ANYWAY, here’s our EXTRA SPICY Election take!! You get to hear about the election from the most
important, influential, politically-savvy, and socially active group on campus, THE MARCHING BAND!
Watch out: our takes are so hot, they've started several fires in Schapiro.
The 2016 election began at a DG mixer and ended in a Wein single. It started full of promising
candidates, but ended with a delusional hermit and a shitty sink swamp. In the hazy morning after the
election, we Columbians shuffled back home on our walks of national shame, wondering if we had
Trumpomoniasis or Hepatitis Orange. The outcome was worse than any Henry Moore statue we could
think of, and just like the end of a bad hookup, the election ended in a clammy panic and only one
satisfied party.
It was clearly a cry for help from the attention whores of bumfuck–nowhere America - an even louder cry
than the Kanye West breakdown of 2016. These people claim they’re getting fucked over, but are happy
to do the same to minorities, which is the most hypocritical thing we’ve heard since using MLK to shut
down black students. Apparently electing Trump was their only messed up way of telling the liberal elite,
“When you go high, we go as low as humanly possible”. Trump lost the popular vote campaigning that
those minorities ruined America, but he’s wrong - the only minority ruining America is his supporters.
One thing that we can learn from this election is to be thankful for the liberal bubble. The only time we
actually have to confront a Trump supporter is when we talk to our racist relatives at Thanksgiving. While
we’re here in the bubble, we skipped class because we knew our professors were also crying into their
bowls of ice cream. This is probably the one time anyone will ever wish they were a freshman at
Columbia… because they will be carried through this entire presidential term in Columbia’s warm, liberal
womb.
For the rest of us, we’ll have to spend the next four years either drinking our liver away at 1020 or hiking
in the wilderness with Hillary. Or if you’re an international student, we’d recommend you put out your
cigarettes, pack your damn Canada Goose, and get the fuck out while you still can.
In honor of the oncoming apocalypse the band now forms a ticking clock and plays “Final
Countdown.”
[FINAL COUNTDOWN]
{JOKE 3– BARNARD}
{JULIA}
It’s been a great year for white corporate bitches. Heather Bresch, the CEO of EpiPens, both raised
prices and lowered the number of people with severe allergies... because they died. Ivanka Trump
became commander-in-chief with the best breasts since William Howard Taft. And finally, President

Debora Spar announced that she will be fleeing Barnard College, leaving a rotting tree and used dental
dams in her wake.
One of DSpar’s biggest initiatives was her Bold Standard fundraiser to low-key raise 400 million dollars.
But it only makes us wonder; which miserly alums were so inspired by a glorified GoFundMe page that
they just had to donate to such vague promises as “student and faculty support” and “what would our
campus look like with a giant hole in the middle?” The one innovative promise she’s made is to build a
“Teaching and Learning Center”, which begs the question, what’s the rest of Barnard for? We don’t quite
understand why they need a new TLC, because the current one already teaches women everything they
need to know: how to say yes to a wedding dress, count 19 kids, and boss a cake.
And we have to ask - did DSpar really do anything good? It seems like the closest she came was
performing the “Ice Bucket Challenge,” which was the “Checking into Standing Rock” of 2014. When
DSpar tried to empower women, she wrote pieces like “Aging and My Beauty Dilemma,” which is just as
pathetic as it sounds. Her essay tackled some tough questions, like can women really have it all- Botox
and a Brazilian butt lift? Her answer resonated with Barnard students: yes, but only if you hate yourself
enough for it. If this is how DSpar spends her students’ tuition money, then all she’s proving is that her
brand of feminism is whiter than Steve Bannon’s Klan robes.
Between an incomplete fundraising project and a work-in-progress library, DSpar is leaving behind a
mess bigger than George Bush did in 2008. In fact, DSpar and Dubyah have a lot in common - they both
left large holes in the middle of Manhattan.
As the president of a women’s college, DSpar has the right to her student body, even if she doesn’t want
to carry it to term. Barnard’s diverse students deserve a president that makes them tingle in all the right
places, not a cis white man who looks like he fixes printers for a living. Interim president Rob “Not related
to Suzanne” Goldberg is not at all what we in the band were expecting. We would have been happier with
the perpetually stoned Hewitt chef, one of Maggie’s saplings, or even a pile of dirt from the construction
site. Finally, the women of Barnard College have succeeded in the ultimate feminist goal: to return to a
structure in which a man is in charge!
In honor of destruction, the band now forms the ex-Barnard library and plays “Wrecking Ball”
[WRECKING BALL]
{JOKE 4–IVY LEAGUE}
{ROSS}
This semester, one sports team’s campaign for the Misogyny Championship stood head, shoulders, and
8/10 boobs above the rest. The Harvard men’s soccer team has been “scouting” the women’s soccer
team, ranking players’ appearances and fuckability as if they were livestock at Cornell. This is an outrage
- the only people who should be able to rank women on fuckability are sororities during rush weekend!
But the soccer team might be onto something - why don’t college rankings account for sex appeal? Don’t
the prefrosh deserve to know about all the tail they’re not going to get? As a public service, the band now
presents a comprehensive ranking of Ivy Sex - from the hottest reach schools, to the lowest safeties.

Top of the list but number 2 in our hearts… BROWN! When Brown students can manage to get it up
through their weed-induced erectile dysfunction, they tend to prefer sex through the back door--after all,
they already got into Brown at least once! But unfortunately, Brown students have pass-fail sex - they only
care about finishing.
Dartmouth hookups take place almost exclusively in frat basements, probably on a sticky, decaying beer
pong table. If they’re particularly kinky, they’ll slap your ass with their ping pong paddles instead of using
their hands like the rest of us. But no matter what else happens, you know they’re going to pull out their
sheepskin condoms and ask you to bend over, and “baaaa.”
Next is Yale, who appropriately, only enjoys bulldoggy style. This means you don’t have to look at them-perfect, since like their mascot, they’ have massive underbites and wrinkles in all the wrong places. The
worst part of a Yale hookup is that they’re constantly reassuring you that they’re JUST AS GOOD as
Harvard.
Speaking of, sex with Harvard is rough. Can you imagine trying to get off while hearing this? “Mmmm
gawd! Fuck me hahda!”
Princeton hookups might think they’re the hottest thing since sliced bread, but unfortunately, they’re
exactly as hot as sliced bread. And just as white. Sure, they tell you they’re kinky, but the most
adventurous group on campus is their eating out club. But their admissions office is so interested in
getting more white into their student body, you’d think they’re into bukakke.
Cornell students always get really excited when they see a big hole- they just want to jump right in and
gorge themselves! But once the pressure starts to mount, they lose their balance and slip away - leading
to an experience more disappointing than a booty call at NYU.
But most importantly, Columbia. Columbia students are okay, but in sexual prowess, just as in musical
talent, the band brings the average down.
And that’s it! That’s all the Ivies!
In honor of FINALLY losing our virginities, the band now forms the beast with two backs and plays “Push
It”
[PUSH IT]
{JOKE 5–BWOG}
{JULIA}
This year, Bwog has seen more structural changes than Kylie Jenner’s face has in the past two months.
The website has killed off Editors in Chief faster than Jae killed off bored@butler. But recently, it seems
Bwog re-established its trashy side with a classic TMZ tactic - exposing Columbia students’ secrets, but
not useful ones, like the answers to the Lit Hum final.
When Bwog published leaked messages from wrestling team seniors, the biggest surprise was that
apparently wrestlers can both read AND write! In these messages, the wrestlers were confused that

Columbia women don’t “beg for the cock,” since their sport requires that they fondle ballsacks at every
opportunity. They also threw in some slurs that are rooted in a disappointing history at Columbia, like the
n-word, the f-word, and the b-word… Bacchanal. The silver lining is that the content of their GroupMe was
racist, sexist, homophobic, and transphobic, so at least they’re intersectional assholes. But what really
proved how out of touch the wrestlers are is they were talking about FARMVILLE in 2016! In response to
the outroar, the wrestlers sent an apology written in crayon saying “We’re so sorry and next time we’ll just
say these things to your faces”. Bwog was really proud that they could break this story; they were able to
both get those sweet, sweet page views, and give campus feminists a new alternative to "nasty women”:
ugly, socially awkward cunts.
Unfortunately, Bwog made like the Columbia football team after a first down and fucked it all up. They
discovered a hollowed-out book with recruitment for the “Dark Enlightenment,” the hip new secret society
that lets in anyone as long as they’re not actually “dark.” But Bwog decided the best way to handle this
was the same way freshmen handle their LitHum essays: without any research and ignoring any
connections to white supremacy.
The post’s comment section pointed out that Bwog committed yet another act of premature e-publication they hadn’t even bother to Google “DarkEn” . They then took the post down for a day… to Google
“DarkEn”. In their defence, they couldn’t trust their research, since the pamphlets did say that the Jews
control the internet - Google it! Instead of trying to be investigative journalists and infiltrating the society,
Bwog blew their load too early when they found out Spec didn’t even get the tip.
Unfortunately, their quickie article just got more people interested in the neo-Nazis, which is the worst
thing Bwog's done since literally publishing a photo of a sorority girl's bare asscheeks. This DarkEn Horse
tried to infiltrate the Wrestling article’s position as the most commented-on Bwog post of the semester, but
was ultimately unsuccessful, because half its comments were deleted for connections to fascism.
Regardless of which got more national coverage, it’s ridiculous to pick a winner between the sexist
wrestlers and the literal Nazis. Bwog could not have chosen more disgusting post topics this semester if
they were scraping from the bottom of a JJ’s trash can.
In honor of the real reason we go on Bwog, the band now forms a comment section and plays An Ad
Hominem Attack.
[FUCK YOU]
{JOKE 6- BUY SELL MEMES}
{ROSS}
At Columbia, there’s more discourse, than intercourse - but for some reason, teachers don’t seem to want
either in the classroom. So students turned to the internet - once again, for both. Twitter’s character limit
just reduces nuanced arguments to “SAD!” Facebook feeds were a bust, since you’re supposed to
unfriend anyone whose brand of identity politics differs even slightly from yours. But now there’s Columbia
Buy Sell Memes to quench your thirst for virtual diarrhea! The Facebook group rose to popularity with
wholesome subjects like nihilism, drug abuse, and coat hanger abortions. While most students used the
group as a new way procrastinate, some students went above and beyond, because Columbians just
have to prove they’re the best at everything - including memes. But while some students went for the
position of meme valedictorian, RASMI, others stirred up controversy faster than a vice provost.

Within 24 hours, the war had begun on [look at script] Bernard? College. We have to admit, they were
asking for it when they tried to start meaningful discourse from a starter pack. Students who had
emigrated from the third-world nation of Overheard @ Bernard tried to fight back, with memes about how
terribly hard it is to be a lesbian at a women’s college. Every undergraduate school tried to prove their
worth in the escalating meme trench war… except for GS, because their students fought IN A REAL
WAR, IN CASE YOU HADN’T HEARD. SEAS quickly dropped out as well, just like how they all defect to
CS or IEOR after three days. The true aggressors were CC, but they were just putting their Macchiavelli
readings to use. All of this infighting only served to distract students from the real problem - the coming
meme recession.
It might not look like it, but we in the band are actually all econ majors - literally all of us - and we are
seriously worried about the state of our meme economy. The memeflation has caused a bull market.. Or
BULLSHIT market. Meme currency is hyperinflating to the levels of Harvard’s grades, and
memeconomists know this trend can’t continue forever. If you look at the meme-conometrics, you would
realize that from the solvency curves, the marginal utility of unexpected losses is decreasing due to the
monopoly of diminishing returns. In other words, Goldman Sachs please hire me.
But we in the band wonder, why would you pay for jokes on Buy Sell Memes when you can get them for
free at Orgo Night? We’re only the event Buy Sell Meme’s girlfriend tells it not to worry about. Admittedly,
we have a lot in common with Buy Sell Memes, since they’re just imitating the campus commentary we’ve
been doing for 69! straight semesters. Both groups annoy activists, but while Buy Sell only manages a
few measly comment wars, we inspire full-scale protests.
And while we’re easy enough to avoid if you just stay away from 209 for one hour, it’s nearly impossible to
completely purge that group from your facebook feed. If Vice Provost Thornton really wants students to
study, maybe she should replace all Buy Sell Memes with “Study the test, pupper.” The explosion of Buy
Sell Memes just goes to show how ridiculous it is to try to save students by cancelling Orgo Night students will always procrastinate, even at midnight, on the day before the CC final. We leave you with
this - Ann Thornton is like Buy Sell Memes. They’re both stepping on our toes, they both have incredibly
simple views of campus dynamics, and they were both literally irrelevant until last Tuesday,
In honor of the superiority of Orgo Night, the band now forms the most superior city in the world and plays
“New York, New York”
[NEW YORK, NEW YORK]
{JULIA}
Well, that’s all for us tonight, folks. But before we go, we’d like to leave you with a few study hints for the
big Orgo exam tomorrow:
{ROSS}
An addition reaction is when you add an additional molecule to an unsaturated system. An “addiction
reaction” is when you add an additional 6 mimosas to your Community brunch.
{JULIA}

A long chain of molecules is a called a polymer. A long chain of oblivious deans is called Columbia
bureaucracy.
{ROSS}
The half-life of a substance is the time it takes for it to decay to half its original amount. The half life of
Maggie the Magnolia was the length of DSpar’s tenure at Barnard.
{JULIA}
And finally, in chemistry, elements that are not part of the solution are part of the precipitate, whereas, at
Columbia, students who are not part of the solution are part of the Band!
{ROSS}
Thanks and good night folks! Try not to break any bookcases on your way out!
[Raw]

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