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Wide Awake. One hundred years after the novel was published, these readers found new ways to tell Horatio Alger’s rags to riches story—creating video games, comic books, poetry, and rewritten prose. Readers remixed the story with H.P. Lovecraft monsters, Twitter feeds, the Wizard of Oz, zombies, Hunter. S. Thompson hallucinations, and countless other literary styles. To celebrate their work, we’ve created a free eBook edition of the remixed novel. This abridged edition features endnote attribution of each author. Throughout the novel, a bolded phase signals the start of a new remix passage. The next endnote (complete with author bio) signals the end of a particular author’s passage. The Alger text has been condensed for reading pleasure. In addition, contributors were eligible for a random drawing of special giveaway prizes. Three excellent sponsors have donated prizes: 1-Scribd.com and Blurb.com donated 10 printed copies of the completely remixed novel, using the company's new print-on-demand service. 2- The remixing experts at Quirk Books gave lucky winner an assortment of Quirk Classics prizes, including: a signed copy of the deluxe Pride and Prejudice and Zombies (PPZ), the Sense and Sensibility and Sea Monsters audio book, the audio and print version of PPZ: Dawn of The Dreadfuls, an Android Karenina poster, an assortment of PPZ postcards and a PPZ journal. It's a prize package worth over $100. 3-The multimedia literary journal Electric Literature donated "Electric Literature: Year One"--a complete set of the first four issues of the journal--a $40 value. Thank you for reading this literary experiment. We are very proud to share these stories with you, and we hope to publish more remixed novels in the future. If you are interested in contributing to the next remix, email me at jason [at] mediabistro [dot] com.
Jason Boog GalleyCat Editor June 23, 2010
CHAPTER I: INTRODUCES JOE “Come here, you Joe, and be quick about it!” The boy addressed, a stout boy of fifteen, with an honest, sun-browned face, looked calmly at the speaker. “What’s wanted?” he asked. “Brush me off, and don’t be all day about it!” said Oscar Norton impatiently. Joe’s blue eyes flashed indignantly at the tone of the other. “You can brush yourself off,” he answered independently. “What do you mean by your impudence?” demanded Oscar angrily. “Have you turned lazy all at once?” “No,” said Joe firmly, “but I don’t choose to be ordered round by you.” “What’s up, I wonder? Ain’t you our servant?” “I am not your servant, though your father is my employer.” “Then you are bound to obey me--his son.” “I don’t see it.” “Then you’d better, if you know what’s best for yourself. Are you going to brush me off?” “No.” “Look out! I can get my father to turn you off.” “You may try if you want to.” Oscar, much incensed, went to his father to report Joe’s insubordination. While he is absent, a few words of explanation will enlighten the reader as to Joe’s history and present position. Joe Mason was alone in the world. A year previous he had lost his father, his only remaining parent, and when the father’s affairs were settled and funeral expenses paid there was found to be just five dollars left, which was expended for clothing for Joe. In this emergency, Major Norton, a farmer and capitalist, offered to provide Joe with board and clothes and three months’ schooling in the year in return for his services.
On his day off, Joe visited a bookseller on Second Avenue. He wanted to improve himself. There was a new salesgirl at the check-out desk. She was quite young, and was absorbed in an old volume as Joe approached. The nameplate on the desk identified her as “Miss Smith.” ”May I help you?” she said, looking up. The lamplight shone off her spectacles. “Yes, I’m—” Joe said. “I’m looking for a book by an author named Horatio Alger.” “I’m afraid we don’t carry books by the late Mister Alger,” she said. “What?” Joe said. “Why not?” Miss Smith shrugged. “No demand,” she said. Joe didn’t know what to say to this. “Hold on,” Miss Smith said, and she went off into the bookshelves. She returned with a book entitled Joe’s Luck, or Always Wide Wake by Horatio Alger. “You might read this, instead,” she said. “But this is by Horatio Alger,” Joe said. “You just said—” “It says it’s by ‘Horatio Alger,’” Miss Smith said. “But look: it came out in 1913.” She pointed out the date. “Alger died in 1899,” she said. Joe didn’t understand. “It’s by a ghost writer,” Miss Smith said. She wrapped the book up and handed it to Joe. “On the house,” she said. “Let me know what you think.” Joe walked back out into the street. He opened his copy of Joe’s Luck, and made his way through the first few pages. A character named “Oscar” insulted a character named “Joe,” in front of a third character, “Annie Raymond.” The last line on the second page read: “Joe flushed with anger.”
“Oscar Norton, do you mean to insult Miss Raymond or me?” he demanded. “Why, you little pisher! You think you can get away with giving it to me and Ms. Raymond in the kishkas?”
“Ach, Joey. What a shmuck! So, suddenly you’re the big k-nocker!” Oscar said. “Oscar, you shmegegge! Use your saychel! Answer already!” Oscar shrugged. “Don’t plotz, you noodge. Ms. Raymond, you choose such a nudnik to walk with? Look at him! Dressed in shmatas! You know that he works for my father!” “I need your opinion like a loch in kop, Oscar Norton,” Annie Raymond said. “So he’s not so farpitzsed. He’s still a mensch.” Joey said, “Your father, he gives me schlock! If I look like a nebbish, it’s because of your mishpacha! It’s a shonda, the way he dresses me.” “Oy, now I’m all verklempt. I’ll tell him of your tsoris,” Oscar said. But he didn’t mean it. “Go ahead, you piece of shmutzik! Save me the trouble of telling him the whole megilla!” “Let’s go,” Annie Raymond said. “Oscar’s opinion isn’t worth bupkes. Besides, I’m starting to shvitz.” “Bei mir bist du shayn,” said Joey, eyes sparkling. And they walked on. “What chutzpah! She’s furblunjit! She’s all fercockt!” he muttered. “Schlepping around with that goniff, Joey!” Oscar wanted to call her a fershtinkiner and a nafka, but it wouldn’t be kosher. She had a lovely tuches, everyone knew so. She was zaftig like nobody’s business, and Oscar wanted nothing more than to shtup her. But Annie Raymond thought Oscar was nothing but a shlub. And a schnorrer to boot, even if his father had plenty of gelt. And she knew Joey was no shmendrick, either When Oscar got home he looked for the alter kocker. “Father,” Oscar said. “That meshugge Joey is telling Annie Raymond that you dress him in shmattes!” Major Norton looked annoyed.2 “What does the boy mean?” he said. “What does he expect?” “He should be dressed as well as I am,” said Oscar maliciously. “Quite out of the question,” said the major hastily. “Your clothes cost a mint of money.”
“I’ll tell you what, father,” said Oscar, with a sudden idea, “you know that suit of mine that I got stained with acid?” “Yes, Oscar,” said the major gravely. “I ought to remember it. It cost me thirty-four dollars, and you spoiled it by your carelessness.” “Suppose you give that to Joe?” suggested Oscar. “He’s a good deal larger than you. It wouldn’t fit him; and, besides, it’s stained.” “What right has a hired boy to object to a stain?” “You are right, Oscar,” said the major, who was glad to be saved the expense of a new suit for Joe. Even he had been unpleasantly conscious that Joe’s appearance had become discreditable to him. “You may bring it down, Oscar,” he said. “I dare say Joe won’t like the idea of wearing it, but a boy in his position has no right to be proud.” Before Oscar remembered this message, the scene narrated at the commencement of the chapter occurred. On his way to complain to his father, he recollected the message, and, retracing his steps, said to Joe: “My father wants to see you right off.” This was a summons which Joe felt it his duty to obey. He accordingly bent his steps to the room where Major Norton usually sat. CHAPTER II: THE STAINED SUIT “Oscar tells me that you wish to see me, sir,” said Joe, as he entered the presence of his pompous employer. Major Norton wheeled round in his armchair and looked at Joe over his spectacles. He looked at Joe’s clothes, too, and it did strike him forcibly that they were very shabby. However, there was Oscar’s stained suit; which was entirely whole and of excellent cloth. As to the stains, what right had a boy like Joe to be particular? * A humming sound with the tone of a strange machine like quality can be heard in the background* “Ahem!” said the major, clearing his throat. “Oscar tells me that you are not satisfied with the clothes I have I given you.” “He has told you the truth, Major Norton,” replied Joe bluntly. “If you will look for yourself, I think you will see why I am dissatisfied.”
“Joseph,” said the major, in a tone of disapproval, “you are too free spoken. I understand you have been complaining to Doctor Raymond’s daughter of the way I dress you.” “Did Oscar tell you the way that happened?” inquired Joe. “I apprehend he did not.” *The sound is consistently growing, yet it is not loud enough to interrupt their conversation. It is odd, however, that neither of them is paying this unusual occurrence any attention.* “When I was walking home with Miss Annie Raymond, Oscar came up and insulted me, calling me a ragamuffin. I told him that, if I was a ragamuffin, it was not my fault.” *The mechanical noise grows even stronger and yet, our two conversationalists still appear not to hear it. They are also ignoring a shimmering in the air as a large boxy object is beginning to appear along side the Major’s desk* Major Norton looked disturbed. “Oscar was inconsiderate,” he said. “It seems to me that your clothes are suitable to your station in life. It is not well for a boy in your circumstances to be ‘clothed in purple and fine linen, ‘as the Scriptures express it. However, perhaps it is time for you to have another suit.” Joe listened in astonishment. Was it possible that Major Norton was going to open his heart and give him what he had long secretly desired? Our hero’s delusion was soon dissipated. *The large object fully appears and has the features of what dwellers in the city of London would someday refer to as a “telephone booth.” The door to this strangely unseen object by both Joe and the Major opens, with a sharply attired man entering the room and standing quietly aside, holding a small black device in his metallic hand as if waiting for the right moment to occur for his intended purpose.* Major Norton rose from his seat, and took from a chair near-by a stained suit, which had not yet attracted Joe’s attention. “Here is a suit of Oscar’s,” he said, “which is quite whole and almost new. Oscar only wore it a month. It cost me thirty-four dollars!” said the major impressively. *PAUSE-both Joe and the Major are frozen in place, as the stylish stranger points and activates his device, then turns to knock on the booth door and gestures to someone still inside. Several someones are inside and make their way out into the room, including a small hovering orb whose use is to be a video recorder of the events. The other occupants of the booth include a rather masculine featured woman clad in a hugely adorned blonde wig while wearing a dress of shiny gold that has tiny flashing lights on the
bodice which extend to her short ruffled skirt, a clear glass jar holding a shriveled patchwork brain rolled out on a self moving cart and a robotic hand, also hovering unsupported, carrying an oversized version of a traditional lady’s perfume atomizer. The gentleman who first appeared adjusts the microphone stem attached to the wire rim glasses implanted on either side of his head and taps a button on the incredibly small panel soldered to the shiny plate of metal that makes up his jaw. He appears to receive the response he desires and takes his place in front of the recording orb. He then begins to speak: “Hello, everyone and welcome to another fabulous episode of Timeless Fashion, the show that seeks out style choices in all reaches of the space-time continuum. As always, I am your host, TGunn 9000, the latest cyber clone of the wondrous He Who Decreed Make It Work. Joining me on this gorgeous galaxy quest is the lovely five time winner of Drag Diva Supreme, the enchanting Miss Amber Dextrous… *Ms. Dextrous steps forward and blows the orb a kiss* …our two for the price of one pairing, the remaining halves of the brain cells that once belonged to famed Red Carpet correspondents and comediennes Joan and Melissa Rivers… *the brain jar moves over, with two voices from the transmitter attached to the lid being quite audible, repeating the same sentences over and over: ”Can we talk?” “MOM!” …And last but certainly not least, everyone’s favorite colony of nanobots fueled by celebrity designer perfume, our very own Britney Beyonce Kardashian!” *The robotic hand takes center stage and squeezes the bulb of the atomizer, sending a cloud of bizarrely bright pink essence in which tiny sparkling dots are visible into it’s glass chamber.* ”Okay, everyone, gather around”.*TGunn waits until his companions are properly assembled next to him within full range of the recording orb to start up again.* “Now, as we and our regular viewers all know, our mission is seek out remote moments in time where crucial life changing fashion decisions are made and through our advanced technology and sense of style, determine whether or not we should intervene or simply observe.” *A nod and other motions of agreement are made by TGunn’s companions* “Our challenge today takes us far into the past, where young luckless Joe over here (the orb swivels around to get a close-up of Joe) is at the crossroads of a major fashion dilemma as his need for new clothes is about to be badly met by his employer, Major Norton, who certainly could use a bit of a makeover himself there. (Close-up of the Major is taken with wide angle lens by orb)
Amber speaks:” TG, my psychic senses are telling me that Joe’s desire for a new wardrobe is motivated by more than just not being able to afford a good tailor-there’s a young lady in the picture that our boy wants to dress to impress as well!” Joan/Melissa brain comments:” Can we talk…her blood type is Ragu!” TGunn: “Right on the mark you are, Amber, so without any further delay, let’s activate our monitoring mode and see where this suit showdown is going. Remember, they can’t see or hear us, thanks to the marvelous cloaking system from Maxwell.Inc.com, the first name in non detection, but we should wait until the pause to make our comments.”*TGunn aims and clicks his handheld device at Joe and the Major, who reanimate and act as thorough futuristic technology had not interrupted them* Joe did not appear to be overwhelmed with the magnificence of the gift. “If it is so good, why don’t Oscar wear it?” he asked. Major Norton regarded Joe with displeasure. “It cannot matter to you how Oscar chooses to dress,” he said. “I apprehend that you and he are not on a level.” “He is your son, and I am your hired boy,” said Joe. “I admit that. But I don’t see how you can ask me to wear a suit like that.” “I apprehend that you are unsuitably proud, Joseph.” *PAUSE-Joe and the Major stop, while Amber clutches TGunn’s device: “Sorry for being so grabby, TG, but I have to say that what is unsuitable is that suit, seriously!” TGunn (taking back his remote):”That’s quite all right, Amber, I know you’re not usually afflicted with Romulan fingers and Russian hands without good cause. Besides, this talk about being a “hired boy” is disturbing to me; as a mentor myself in more than one life time, it’s important to encourage your protégé to dress for the job he wants, not the job he as.” *The glowing perfume atomizer starts to flicker it’s small lights on and off in a pattern, attracting the attention of TGunn* ”Looks like Britney Beyonce has something to add…Amber, is your telepathy tuned into her frequency?” Amber (placing her hands to the sides of her forehead): “Yes, TG, I am receiving her thoughts…she wants us to know…that…I still owe her twenty credits for that Venusian shoe sale last week(taps her foot and glares at Britney Beyonce)..I told you I’m good for it, why do you have to embarrass me like this, especially when we’re taping, really!?” *Britney Beyonce responses with a stronger flashing pattern, which angers Ambers even more* “Oh, please-just because that check was postdated from a quarter of a century ago does not mean I was trying to cheat you! This is why no one wants to go shopping with you, because of that
cheapskate uncoolant attitude of yours.”*Britney Beyonce’s pink color darkens and her flashing lights dim slightly* TGunn( making a clearing sound with his voice filter):”Ladies, why don’t we check back with Joe and the Major and leave your financial dispute for our behind the scenes show TF: Take Two sponsored by Everlast Lemon Liquor, hmm, kay?”*unfreezes our clueless characters who resume their discussion* Joe pulled off his coat and put on the stained one. The sleeves were from two to three inches too short, and it was so far from meeting in front, on account of his being much broader than Oscar, that his shoulders seemed drawn back to meet each other behind. “Thank you, Major Norton,” said Joe, in a decided tone, “but I hope you won’t go to that expense, for I shall not be willing to wear it under any circumstances.” “I cannot believe my ears,” said Major Norton, with dignified displeasure. “You are too proud. Your pride needs taking down.” “Major Norton,” said Joe firmly, “I should like to tell you how I feel. You are my employer, and I am your hired boy. I try to do my duty by you.” *PAUSE-TGunn turns to his companions : “Well, I for one quite agree with Joe that taking this ill fitting suit to this tailor-ess person is just a waste of money in this situation. Normally, I would strongly urge for having new or even old clothes fitted properly, but this suit was badly made to begin with and as the ancient saying goes, you can’t make a silk purse from a sow’s ear.” Amber (nodding): “Plus, the stained wash look won’t be in style for a few hundred years and what is it with this hired boy business? All I know is when I hire a boy, he gets his required uniform on day one, you know what I’m saying? Sure, it’s a lot smaller than what this guy is asking Joe to wear but it looks much more flattering in all of the right places.”(Gives a saucy wink to the recording orb) Joan/Melissa: “More chins than Chinatown…MOM!” *TGunn takes that last comment as a cue to restart the action* “You are a good boy to work, Joseph. I don’t complain of that.” “You agreed to give me board and clothing for my services.” “So I have.” “Yes, sir; but you have dressed me in such a way that I attract attention in the street for my shabbiness. I don’t think I am very proud, but I have been mortified! More than once when I saw people looking at my patched clothes and shoes out at the toes. I think if I work faithfully I ought to be dressed decently.”
*PAUSE-TGunn gestures to the orb, which moves into position and centers all of the Timeless Fashion players in one frame* “Alright, everyone, I think we’ve heard enough from Joe and the Major, so now it’s time for us to make our decision. Do we interfere with this event or ignore it, trusting the right outcome to the fates? Amber, what say you?” Amber: “Well, I personally feel for Joe, having gone thru some bad experiences myself where people were gawking at my attire for all of the wrong reasons, like that time I wore black lace stockings with my violet skirt instead of blue-black…” Joan/Mel*interrupts loudly*:”Hey, put a sock in it already, sister!” *Amber huffs in annoyance, then flips back a lock of her wig hair and picks up the thread of her thoughts* “…as I was saying, while I do want to help this poor boy out, I don’t think he really needs it. Joe looks very large and in charge here, more that his so-called employer does, who could use a tuck here and there himself.*orb plays an “OH,SNAP!” sound clip to accent her insult* Plus he’s got plenty of pride in his appearance already and my psychic sources tell me that somewhere down the line, he’ll be able to find the right look without settling for less.” TGunn*nodding*: “I’m in total agreement with you, Amber. Joe’s forthright nature and willingness to stand up to authority about something he knows is right, is commendable and while it is tempting to alter time and that ridiculous suit, my sense is that it is for the best that we leave things as they are.” *Britney Beyonce pushes her way forward. Her lights are flashing in a most excited manner* Amber:” I guess Miss Thing wants to have her say.”*puts her hands into focusing position on her head but then suddenly starts to bend over and moan.* *TGunn hurries over to her side, with the orb moving in for a better shot of the action*”Amber, are you getting intergalactic interference again?” *Amber quickly snaps up, her eyes glowing with candy pink energy and speaks in a high pitched monotone* “We must help Joe! It is the honorable thing to do and the right choice to be made!” *TGunn*waving the orb back*:”Britney Beyonce, how many times have you been warned about abusing your mind meld privileges on air?” Amber/BB: “I know, TGunn, but you must hear me out! Joe is a stubborn soul and will keep refusing assistance from others in order to take the high road. While that is considered a noble goal in this primitive century, it is so unnecessary!” TGunn: “While you do have a point about his stubborn streak, I’m afraid that the effects of our intervention in this case would only create a nasty backlash in the intended sequence of life events here, or have you forgotten about that snap decision we made last season, which had a whole generation thinking that polyester was a sophisticated fabric choice for all ages?”
Amber/BB*tilts head down*”Yes, I still regret that to this day, but however…” Joan/Mel: “Can we talk…more wives than Larry King! MOM!” *Amber/BB smacks the jar containing Joan and Melissa’s fragmented brain, hard enough to shake the whole cart * “Be silent, you wasted bit of protoplasm!” *TGunn steps in at this point, separating the potential combatants* “Enough is enough, here, ladies! Now, Britney Beyonce, you need to release Amber this instant or you will be shut down manually, is that clear?” Amber/BB*slumps shoulders*: “Very well, but before I do so, please allow me to use the Tiny Twist of Fashion Fate if I am outnumbered in the final decision.” TGunn: “I’ll consider it, now set her free.” *She puts her hands on the atomizer glass, shudders and within a few moments, Amber seems to be in full command of her being once again.* TGunn: “While Amber pulls herself together, let’s go back to the boys, shall we?”*unfreezes Joe and the Major for another go round* ”It seems to me you are very inconsistent. Here is a suit of clothes that cost me thirty-four dollars, which I offer you, and you decline.” “You know why well enough, sir,” said Joe, “You did not tell me you intended to dress me in Oscar’s castoff clothes, too small, and stained at that. I would rather wear the patched suit I have on till it drops to pieces than wear this suit.” “You can go, Joseph,” said Major Norton, in a tone of annoyance. “I did not expect to find you so unreasonable. If you do not choose to take what I offer you, you will have to go without.” “Very well, sir.” Joe left the room, his face flushed and his heart full of indignation at the slight which had been attempted on him. “It is Oscar’s doings, I have no doubt,” he said to himself. “It is like his meanness. He meant to mortify me.” *PAUSE- Our group of fashion watchers has moved themselves and their large conveyance out of doors, teleported with the assistance of the orb, now focused on TGunn, who finishes a muttered conversation with Amber. Britney Beyonce and the Joan/Melissa brain are positioned on either side of them: “Okay, everyone, our decision has been made and it’s three to one in favor of simply observing rather than direct intervention.”*Orb plays recording of cheers and sounds of disappointment from a long since deceased audience*
“However, Britney Beyonce has requested to use the Tiny Twist of Fashion Fate, which allows one of us to make a small yet stylish signifigent gesture that may or may not be of some help to Joe along the way. Since it was Amber’s turn to activate this option here, it was good of her to let Britney Beyonce do the honors.” Amber (looking coy and innocent as she flutters her laser applied eyelashes):”Oh, TG, you know me; I just can’t hold a grudge. Besides, if she’s willing to forget about the twenty credits and that little check problem we had, I can get over our little bodysnatching tiff, including what happened at that Jonas Brothers concert back stage during that stopover we had in 2008.” * Britney Beyonce flickers a few angry lights at that last remark* TGunn: “Yes, well, bygones be bygones and all of that. Anyhow, before Joe runs into this Oscar fellow, does anyone have a suggestion for Britney Beyonce on what her Twist of Fate should consist of?” Joan/Mel: “Live from the Red Carpet, only on…is it E! or TV Guide this week? Mom!” Amber: “I don’t need a third eye to see that hot mess of cerebral cortex needs to have a fluid change, stat!” TGunn:”On second thought, maybe we should let Joe and Oscar take their meeting sooner rather than later.”*unfreezes Joe, who goes on his not so merry way* If there had been any doubt in Joe’s mind, it would soon have been cleared up. Oscar had been lying in wait for his appearance, and managed to meet him as he went out into the yard. “Where are your new clothes?” he asked mockingly. “I have none,” answered Joe. “Didn’t my father give you a suit of mine?” “He offered me the suit which you stained so badly with acid.” “Nor for me,” said Joe. “You don’t mean to say you’ve declined?” exclaimed Oscar, in surprise. “That is exactly what I have done.” “Seems to me somebody is getting proud,” sneered Oscar. “Perhaps you think Annie Raymond wouldn’t walk with you in that suit?” *PAUSE-TGunn shakes his head in disgust* “What an obnoxious young man! It’s a pity that our mission parameters don’t allow us to put him in his place.”
Joan/Mel: “Actually, TGunn, the rules of the Simple Twist of Fashion Fate are very broad in interpretation, like a hooker working a New Year’s Eve party at the U.N..” *All assembled are stunned to hear something this logical coming from this most unlikely source and jointly stare at the jar of barely put together mental membrane* “Can we talk?” *A tension releasing laugh is shared by the group and after TGunn opens up the memory panel on his forehead to verify Joan and Melissa brain’s statement, he is ready to proceed* “Seems as if our mental mother-daughter act does have a point about who the STFF can be directed at. As long as it gives Joe some sort of advantage and doesn’t cause any serious harm, like sterility, organ failure or baldness, Oscar can be the unwitting vehicle for Joe to achieve his dreams in a more fashionable manner than before.” Amber:”That’s wonderful news, TG, and you know irony never goes out of style, sweetie!” *puts hands up to head* “Britney Beyonce says this gives her a great idea but to put it off, she’ll have to sacrifice one of her little nanobots.” *reaches a hand out to Britney Beyonce’s perfume glass* “Honey, are you sure about this?” *Britney Beyonce’s lights hum and move in a decisive pattern* “She’s serious about this, TG.” TGunn: “Well, if her collective mind is made up…*Amber interrupts him by sobbing loudly and hugging Britney Beyonce’s clear compartment* “Oh, BB, this is the bravest thing I’ve ever seen any species do, even during one of my trances! Let’s never fight again and you know what? That Jersey Shore reenactment camp you wanted to go to-you and me, Team Snooki, babe!” *Britney Beyonce’s pink glow increases in hue, indicating happiness as a response to Amber’s statements. A beeping sound comes from a timer device in TGunn’s artificial eye socket, causing his digital pupil to blink rapidly* “Ladies, I hate to break this love fest up, but our time is up sooner than anticipated here, due to a meteor shower in the area. Britney Beyonce will have to send her brave little toaster off with a mini-cam for us to wrap this segment up in post production.” *The rag-tag yet well styled group gathers up their assorted gear and heads back into the mysterious phone booth portal from which they came. As the door closes, a tiny pink glimmering object, that is closely followed by an almost invisible to the naked eye orb, darts out and hovers near Joe and Oscar. When the booth door is shut and the strange box of time travelers has vanished from view, action between Joe and Oscar goes on as it was meant to without either of them paying any attention to the minuscule items from a distant future in their midst* “I think it would make no difference to her,” said Joe. “She was willing to walk with me in this suit.” “A hired boy!” * The pink nanobot buzzes along side Oscar, who is too busy sneering at Joe to notice* “Yes, I am a hired boy; but I don’t get very good pay.”
“You feel above your business, that’s what’s the matter with you.” “I hope some time to get higher than my business,” said Joe. “I mean to rise in the world, if I can.” Oscar shrugged his shoulders.*the nanobot releases it’s potent perfume laced fuel upon Oscar’s person, which is physically harmless but leaves an indelible lingering odor that is causing nearby plant life to wilt slightly. Such environmental damage is minor, compared to the repulsive scent destined to linger upon our obnoxious opponent for at least a decade or more* “Perhaps you would like to be a wealthy merchant, or a member of Congress,” he said. “I certainly should.” *As the last of the nanobot’s fuel is exhausted, it gives off a twinkle before dissolving into the ether. The mini cam takes one last close up of the clueless and reeking Oscar as it returns from which it came. One can barely hear a cheer of triumph as this fatal fashion mission is completed* Oscar burst into a sneering laugh, and left Joe alone. Joe’s work was done, and, being left free to do as he liked, he strolled over to the village store. 3 CHAPTER III: THE RETURNED CALIFORNIAN The village store, in the evening, was a sort of village club-house, where not only the loungers, but a better class, who desired to pass the evening socially, were wont to congregate. About the center of the open space was a large box-stove, which in winter was kept full of wood, ofttimes getting red-hot, and around this sat the villagers. Some on wooden chairs, some on a wooden settee, with a broken back, which was ranged on one side. Joe frequently came here in the evening to pass a social hour and kill time. At the house of Major Norton he had no company. Oscar felt above him, and did not deign to hold any intercourse with his father’s drudge, while the housekeeper--Major Norton being a widower--was busy about her own special work, and would have wondered at Joe if he had sought her company. I make this explanation because I do not wish it to be understood that Joe was a common village lounger, or loafer. When Joe entered the store he found the usual company present, but with one addition. This was Seth Larkin, who had just returned from California, whither he had gone eighteen months before, and was, of course, an object of great attention, and plied with numerous questions by his old acquaintances in regard to the land of promise in the far West, of which all had heard so much.
It was in the fall of the year 1851, and so in the early days of California. Seth was speaking as Joe entered. “Is there gold in California?” repeated Seth, apparently in answer to a question. “I should say there was. Why, it’s chock full of it. People haven’t begun to find out the richness of the country. It’s the place for a poor man to go if he wants to become rich. What’s the prospects here? I ask any one of you. A man may go working and plodding from one year’s end to another and not have ten dollars at the end of it. There’s some here that know that I speak the truth.” “How much better can a man do in California?” asked Daniel Tompkins. “Well, Dan,” said Seth, “it depends on the kind of man he is. If he’s a man like you, that spends his money for rum as fast as he gets it, I should say it’s just as well to stay here. But if he’s willing to work hard, and to put by half he makes, he’s sure to do well, and he may get rich. Why, I knew a man that landed in California the same day that I did, went up to the mines, struck a vein, and--well, how much do you think that man is worth to-day?” “A thousand dollars?” suggested Dan Tompkins. “Why, I’m worth more than that myself, and I wasn’t lucky, and had the rheumatism for four months. You’ll have to go higher.” “Two thousand?” guessed Sam Stone. “We don’t make much account of two thousand dollars in the mines, Sam,” said Seth. “You haven’t told us yet how much the man made that you was talkin’ about,” said Tom Sutter. “It couldn’t be five thousand dollars, now, could it?” “Why sure,” Capitalism (Seth) said. “Well, that’s low then,” interjected Dan Thompkins. “Well, you know, fuck the bullshit. I’m going to lay it out on the table straight and say that the dude is worth twenty fucking grand.” People clapped for the ejaculation of a monetary denomination upon them. “Twenty grand! For fuck’s sake!!?” the crowd returned in unison. “C’mon now. Doin’ wha’ the man did isn’t on the reg. One in ten might claw his way to that spot.” Capitalism said into the air above them, “But I’ll throw this: if a cat lays himself out and keeps his dough in his mattress. Well, that dude’s gonna make shit happen.” “Cheers to that!” the crowd returned again, each with the thought of this “heaven” far off on the horizon of back-breaking toils.
“Why the hell you here if things’re all kinds of swell out there?” some guy said. “You’re an asshole for asking,” said Capitalism as he clapped the man on the back, “but I’ll lower myself to respond and say that there ain’t much good in good fortune if you can’t lord it over others that don’t have it. As such, I headed back here to look down on you folks and do the most logical thing possible when discovering a finite source of wealth – spread the word.” “Could I get out there by pulling a trick and a tug here and there?”asked a hopeful nobody. “Nope. You’d have to be a much better person than you are to make it happen. And truthfully, all the gumption I see rattling around behind your eyes can’t make up the distance between a person like you and a person like me in a system like ours.” Well, pretty much everyone in the room felt that one in their chest because all of them knew they were at the bottom of the pecking order. A plentiful lack of money makes a bastard of a person, after all, and while they were all able to house, clothe, and feed themselves for the most part, they certainly didn’t have money to spend on goddam train trips. So they were shitty people. Luckily, Seth (Capitalism) was there to point it out to them with one hand while stringing along their hopes with the other, so he continued. “You can go second-class for a good deal less, and you can go round the Horn pretty cheap,” continued Seth.4 “How far away is Californy?” inquired Sam Stone. “By way of the isthmus, it must be as much as six thousand miles, and it’s twice as fur, I reckon, round the Horn. I don’t exactly know the distance.” “Then it’s farther away than Europe,” said Joe, who had been listening with eager interest. “Of course it is,” said Seth. “Why, that’s Joe Mason, isn’t it? How you’ve grown since I saw you.” “Do you think I have?” said Joe, pleased with the assurance. “To be sure you have. Why, you’re a big boy of your age. How old are you?” “Fifteen---nearly sixteen.” “That’s about what I thought. Where are you livin’ now, Joe?” “I’m working for Major Norton.” Seth burst into a laugh. “I warrant you haven’t made your fortune yet, Joe,” he said. “I haven’t made the first start yet toward it.”
“And you won’t while you work for the major. How much does he pay you?” “Board and clothes.” “And them are the clothes?” said Seth, surveying Joe’s appearance critically. “Well, that’s something. You deserve to do better, Joe.” “I wish I could,” said Joe wistfully. “Is there any chance for a boy in California, Mr. Larkin?” “Call me Seth. It’s what I’m used to. I don’t often use the handle to my name. Well, there’s a chance for a boy, if he’s smart; but he’s got to work.” “I can work,” he twittered with a knowing smile. “I work all the time.” “Well, if you can get your ass there, you’ll just have to fight it out with all the other bitches. It’ll be tough on ya though, ain’t none of them gonna roll over just ‘cause some new tail’s in town. No matter how young or pretty he might be.” “How much I gotta pay to get there?” “Well, you can probably get there for a thousand bucks, so long as you ain’t got a problem riding Greyhound.” A grand! It might as well have been a million, as far as Joe was concerned. It would take him weeks turning tricks in this backwater town to get scratch like that, even if that impotent, jackhole mayor was willing to pull the stick out of his ass about cleaning up the red-light district. Guy’s gotta make money somehow right? It was all he could do now to avoid getting kicked out of the cheap-ass motel he’d been renting. Joe took a long drag off the cigarette he’d bummed from Seth and thought how he was going to make it all the way to Cali. He needed one of those instant transporter doo-hickeys his favorite John was always telling him about. Dude was a nerd, but he was a freak and paid well. Joe walked back to the motel, dreaming of ice dripping from his neck and ears as he poured another glass of Cristal, and wishing he was already in L.A. CHAPTER IV: JOE’S LEGACY The next day was Saturday. He didn’t have to go to school…not that he was likely to have gone anyway…but at least now he didn’t have to avoid patrol cars all day. He spent his time down at the corner liquor store, trying to turn dime bags for a bit of extra cash. He was up nearly twenty bucks when Deacon Goodwin, a local heavy from the projects, drove up in his Escalade. Oscar was sitting behind the register, looking at the porn he kept behind the counter.
“Joe here?” asked Deacon. Oscar looked up in surprise. What the hell did Deacon want with Joe? “I suppose he is,” drawled Oscar.5 “Will you call him? I want to see him on business.” Oscar was still more surprised. He was curious about the business, but his pride revolted at the idea of being sent to summon Joe. “You’ll find him in the barn,” said he. “I don’t want to leave my horse,” said the deacon. “I will take it as a favor if you will call him.” Oscar hesitated. Finally he decided to go and then return to hear what business Joe and the deacon had together. He rather hoped that Joe had been trespassing on the deacon’s grounds, and was to be reprimanded. He opened the barn door and called out: “Deacon Goodwin wants you out at the gate.” Joe was as much surprised as Oscar. He followed Oscar to the front of the house and bade the deacon good morning. “Oscar tells me you want to see me,” he said. “Yes, Joe. Do you remember your Aunt Susan?” “My mother’s aunt?” “Yes; she’s dead and buried.” “She was pretty old,” said Joe. “The old lady had a small pension,” continued the deacon, “that just about kept her, but she managed to save a little out of it. When the funeral expenses were paid it was found that there were fifty-six dollars and seventy-five cents over.” “What’s going to be done with it? he inquired. “She’s left it to you,” was the unexpected reply, “You was the nearest relation she had, and it was her wish that whatever was left should go to you.” “I’m very much obliged to her. I didn’t expect anything. I had almost forgotten I had a great-aunt.”
The old aunt was dead; to being with. Though he could not recall his relation -now deceased-in any detail whatsoever, Joe was nevertheless brimming with expectancy at the news of her passing. “I control the money, lad, and don’t ye be fergettin’ that,” said the Deacon. “I’ll be paying it over to you when I’m good and ready and not a moment sooner.” “But sir - “ protested Joe, though he needn’t have gone to the effort. The wizened old Deacon, Goodwin by name, was resolute on the matter. “It wouldn’t take long fer a lad like you to lose it,” he continued, twisting his gnarled fingers round the reigns as if to strangle the very wealth from the underfed boy before him. “I’d be keen on keeping it safe until you come of age.” Joe’s pulse quickened at the thought of the piratical Deacon misering away his rightful inheritance in some dockside storehouse by the Thames. No, that would not do. Standing erect, suddenly, and puffing out his chest – a masculine gesture made ridiculous by his malnourished frame – Joe exclaimed, “I haven’t had time to think properly. I’ll come round and see you tonight. We’ll discuss my terms then.” Deacon Goodwin recoiled slightly, “Very well, Joseph. G’lang, Dobbin! Pip pip!” and the doubly-hunched figure trotted off from whence it came. Oscar, clad in satin vestments, had been lurking nearby. At first he eyed Joe suspiciously; then it occurred to him that whatever the hired boy’s inheritance might be, it should pale by comparison to his own vast fortunes so he thereby deigned the competition no contest and relaxed his demeanor once more. “You might buy a boat,” he said, taunting Joe expertly. “I shouldn’t have any time to use it,” the hired boy said in kind, accustomed to this foolish baiting. “You might go out with it in the evening. I would look after it in the daytime.”6 No doubt this arrangement would be satisfactory to Oscar, who would reap all the advantage, but Joe did not see it in a favorable light. “I don’t think I should care to buy a boat,” he said. “What do you say to buying a revolver?” “I think it would be better to put it on interest.” “You’d better get the good of it now. You might die and then what use would the money be?” On the way to the deacon’s Joe fell in with Seth Larkin. “Well, my boy, where are you bound?” asked Seth.
“To collect my fortune,” said Joe. Seth asked for an explanation and received it. “If it was enough, I would go to California.” “And you really want to go?” “Yes. I suppose fifty dollars wouldn’t be enough?” “No; it wouldn’t,” said Seth; “but I’ll tell you what you could do.” “What?” “Go to New York and keep yourself till you got a chance to work your passage round the Horn.” “So I might,” said Joe, brightening up. “Well, if you decide to go, come round and see me to-morrow, and I’ll give you the best advice I can.” The deacon opposed Joe’s plan, but in vain. Our hero had made up his mind. Finally the old man counted out the money and Joe put it in an old wallet. Monday morning came. Clad in his Sunday suit of cheap and rough cloth, Joe stood on the platform at the depot. The cars came up, he jumped aboard, and his heart beat with exultation as he reflected that he had taken the first step toward the Land of Gold. CHAPTER V: AT THE COMMERCIAL HOTEL WITH NATHANAEL WEST “Things are still very bad in New York and getting worse, so grow a good big garden,” wrote Nathanael West in February 1933, a million miles away from the “Land of Gold.” Unemployment had hit 25 percent that year, the last couple months of Prohibition still loomed, and the country struggled through the fourth full winter of the Great Fucking Depression. Things would get much, much worse. West had worked as a hotel clerk at the Sutton Hotel since late 1930, earning $50 a week at his post. He milked his cozy job, sneaking in his penniless friends to stay in the empty hotel rooms, including the critic Edmund Wilson, novelist James T. Farrell, and the private detective turned writer Dashiell Hammett. West scribbled through the night shift every night, recording and rewriting the busted lives orbiting around the hotel. Obsessed with the guests, he started opening guest’s mail with steam, reading private letters and collecting miserable stories. His second novel, Miss Lonelyhearts, was published in April 1933. His publisher Horace Liveright declared bankruptcy a month later. Creditors yanked 2,000 copies of his book off
shelves before they could be sold, strangling his book as good reviews rolled in. Fed up with the city, West quit his hotel job and moved to a busted farm in upstate New York—trying to write his way out of the disastrous year. He holed up with a stack of six Horatio Alger novels, including Joe’s Luck. During that rotten year, Alger’s dreamy prose must have infuriated West. Among his many faults, Alger was an unobservant writer—on these two pages of Joe’s Luck, for instance, late 19th Century New York City spreads before Alger’s hero like present, but we don’t see a single physical detail—not the tangle of carriages, the horseshit, the coal smoke, the noise, the smelly hordes of un-deodorized citizens. “Alger is to the American what Homer was to the Greeks,” West wrote, comparing the dime novelist to a blind poet who celebrated the activities of imaginary deities. The novelist was talking about myths; mankind’s attempts to use religion too explain everything from wars to rape to famines to economic collapse. New York City was ruined in 1933. Homeless people built cities in Central Park, angry workers rioted in Union Square, and shelters overflowed with poor people. Alger couldn’t have imagined American poverty on this scale; nor could he describe or the soul-sucking effect of years and years of uninterrupted national poverty. Alger invented a world where pluck and godliness and hard work could fix anything, but you can’t beat 25 percent unemployment and you can’t pray your way out of Hooverville. West decided to write a parody of Alger’s poisonous fairy tale. In A Cool Million, West shoveled three years’ worth of anger into the fictional adventures of a plucky hero named Lem. Lem goes through all the same trials as Alger’s heroes, but every single adventure ends in ultra-violence. West mutilated Lem like a horror movie character—shredding his leg in bear trap, chopping off his hand, scalping him in a battle with Indians, and finally killing him with a sniper’s bullet. Eighty years before the readers of an obscure publishing blog picked up Joe’s Luck to rewrite the novel, West remixed the shit out of Horatio Alger. It wasn’t until 1965 when Douglas H. Shepard uncovered the strangest part of the story. While writing the novel, West plagiarized twenty percent of his book from Alger novels. He copied text from six different novels, most dramatically from Joe’s Luck. Alger wrote: “Joe had never been in New York and when he arrived the bustle and confusion at first bewildered him.” West copied: “He arrived in the Grand Central Station all intact … at first he was quite confused by the hustle and bustle of the great city.” Alger continued the scene with some quick and dirty dialogue: “What’ll you charge?” “A dollar and a half, and a half-a-dollar for your baggage.” “This is all the baggage I have, said Joe, indicating a bundle tied in a red cotton handkerchief.”
West wrote about a strangely similar encounter: “What’s your charge?” “Three dollars and a half, and half a dollar for your baggage.” “This is all the baggage I have,’ said Lem, indicating his few things tied in a red cotton handkerchief.” Between these two pages of Joe’s Luck, West copied nearly 20 sentences directly from Alger’s original. He vandalized the America Dream, stealing it from the man who wrote It. He had two failed books behind him and the Great Depression looming ahead of him. In his cabin, West signed all his letters “Ottsville” after the town where Lem grew up—as if he was really living in the alternate universe that Alger created. It was an SOS from the sick, sick heart of the Great Depression. West plagiarized, sure, but I think he used those Alger pages like a kidnapper’s ransom note— scissoring out paragraphs and mixing them with other words to make a filthy new product with moments of inept description stitched together into a Frankenstein book. West stole the dopey Everyman, and then he proceeded to shred Alger’s hero—punishing Alger for his shitty heroes and shitty worldview with equally shitty justice. “I am a clown … but there are times when even clowns must grow serious. This is such a time. I…” said Lem just before he was mowed down by a sniper bullet. West knew people clung to Alger books like life rafts during economic turmoil and literally blasted the rags to riches myth; now, here we are, 80 years later, our world in shambles because those myths failed us again; we must write, we must rewrite. But I digress. Meanwhile, in Joe’s Luck, our plucky hero arrived at his hotel in New York City. The Commercial Hotel, now passed away, or doing business under a changed name, was not a stylish inn. It was rather dark and rather dingy, but Joe did not notice that particularly. He had never seen a fine hotel, and this structure, being four stories in height above the offices, seemed to him rather imposing than otherwise. 7 He walked up to the desk, on which was spread out, wide open, the hotel register. Rather a dissipated-looking clerk stood behind the counter, picking his teeth. “Good morning, sir,” said Joe politely. “What do you charge to stay here?” “A dollar a day,” answered the clerk. “Can you give me a room?” A freckle-faced boy was summoned, provided with the key of No. 161, and Joe was directed to follow him. They went up-stairs, until Joe wondered when they were going to stop. Finally the
boy paused at the top floor, for the very good reason that he could get no higher, and opened the door of 161. “There you are,” said the boy. “Is there anything else you want?” “No, thank you.” “I’m sorry there ain’t a bureau to keep your clothes,” said the freckle-faced boy, glancing at Joe’s small bundle with a smile. “It is inconvenient,” answered Joe, taking the joke. “You wouldn’t like some hot water for shaving, would you?” asked the boy, with a grin. “You can have some put on to heat and I’ll order it when my beard is grown,” said Joe goodnaturedly. “All right I’ll tell ‘em to be sure and have it ready in two or three years.” This to Joe seemed to start in three days. A very extravagant order for some board and lodging in the company’s offices of the New York Daily papers. He washed his water every day and any of the California steamers. Dinner was just one person’s way to California! Joe sat down on with the major. Apply for passage a little while. Luxury! Joe did sum to spend on his position. The freckle-faced boy found a file of two. “Folks live better in the bed, reflect a little on his thought.” But then for the advertisement and an on the after dinner, was yourself at that. Would make do in the country. “He can happen. In California” Steamer to Oakville. ”I won’t go for it. A dollar a day! Why of any change, the city! Than they have to go back again. Sixty five dollars a year!” “In New York they have to pay. Obliged to,” he determined. ”How much?”
“Three hundred and too.” “That enough?” “You’d better,” thought Joe, not dreamed. “That will be soon. Three days to find out when. The me to the same time.” He found that the steamer was the price. ”I can go for.” Lowest compared information at the hands and face. Disappeared and variety and over. The first thing for the ready. It was not position and plans. Starts. And what is the rather frugal table? In the barroom Joe, at last, he found it. And went downstairs (justice to it!) and began to search. So here he was. Luxurious meal, but... “Oh, I get in hot. I hope I shan’t. I is,” he hoped. So there was great unless... “I am” Before he had. “I’ll go right down there, and find out whether I’ve got money enough to take me,” Joe decided.8 CHAPTER VI: JOE BUYS A TICKET The office of the steamer was on the wharf from which it was to start. Already a considerable amount of freight was lying on the wharf ready to be loaded. Joe made his way to the office. “Well, boy, what’s your business?” inquired a stout man with a red face, who seemed to be in charge. “Is this the office of the California steamer, sir?” “Yes.” “What is the lowest price for passage?” “A hundred dollars for the steerage.”
When Joe heard this his heart sank within him. It seemed to be the death-blow to his hopes. He had but fifty dollars, or thereabouts, and there was no chance whatever of getting the extra fifty. “Couldn’t I pay you fifty dollars now and the rest as soon as I can earn it in California?” he pleaded. “We don’t do business in that way.” Joe left the office not a little disheartened. “I wish it had been a hundred dollars Aunt Susan left me,” he said to himself. Joe’s spirits were elastic, however. He remembered that Seth had never given him reason to suppose that the money he had would pay his passage by steamer. He had mentioned working his passage in a sailing-vessel round the Horn. Joe did not like that idea so well, as the voyage would probably last four months, instead of twenty-five days, and so delay his arrival. The afternoon slipped away almost without Joe’s knowledge. He walked about, here and there, gazing with curious eyes at the streets, and warehouses, and passing vehicles, and thinking what a lively place New York was, and how different life was in the metropolis from what it had been to him in the quiet country town which had hitherto been his home. Somehow it seemed to wake Joe up, and excite his ambition, to give him a sense of power which he had never felt before. “If I could only get a foothold here,” thought Joe, “I should be willing to work twice as hard as I did on the farm.” This was what Joe thought. I don’t say that he was correct. In fact I could tell him a fine story about some mice I know. Those country boys just don’t have what it takes to make it in the big city world. After all those skills of getting up with the sun and tolling all day in the field to feed the world, don’t really transfer to the hard realities of city life where the Welfare Queens rule. Why, a trusting boy could go and throw all his money away without even knowing it. Not that I’m foreshadowing or anything. Wait, what was I saying? Oh yes... Joe is an idiot. To further the plot Joe picked up a newspaper, and boy howdy! An article on the very place Joe wants to be, California. Though Joe was not aware of it, he was being closely observed by a racist cliché, who since he wasn’t pale, must be up to no good. When our hero laid down the paper this man saw his chance. “You be stranger here, right? Rooking ror your rortune? Rahem, rexcuse me. Ah that’s better, I just needed to remove these teeth I borrowed from Mickey Rooney. Now then, I meant to ask, you must be a stranger here correct?” “Yes, sir,” answered Joe, glad to see someone to talk to so he could provide something other then a pompous narrator for the audience to read.
“I just got here two pages ago.” “Indeed! Where are you from?” “From Podunk, Noimagination.” “Indeed! I’ve heard of it. So charming,” he said with a glint in his eye. “Well shucks,” said Joe. ”Nuttin’ ever happens there.” “Indeed!” the stranger exclaimed as he rubbed his hands in a maniacal but discrete way. “I want to go to California.” “Indeed!” getting happier by the moment “Have you ever been there, sir?” “No; but I have had many friends go there. When do you expect to start?” 9 “Why, that is what puzzles me,” Joe replied frankly. “I may not be able to go at all.” “Why not?” “I haven’t got money enough to buy a ticket.” “Don’t be discouraged, my young friend,” said the stranger, in the most friendly manner. “I am aware that the ordinary charge for a steerage ticket is one hundred dollars, but exceptions are sometimes made. Now, I happen to be personally acquainted with him. I am sure he would do me a favor. Just give me the fifty dollars, and I’ll warrant I’ll get the ticket for you.” Joe was not wholly without caution, and the thought of parting with his money to a stranger didn’t strike him favorably. Not that he had any doubts as to his new friend’s integrity, but it didn’t seem businesslike. “Can’t I go with you to the office?” he suggested. “I think I can succeed better in the negotiation if I am alone,” said the stranger. “I’ll tell you what--you needn’t hand me the money, provided you agree to take the ticket off my hands at fifty dollars if I secure it. I’ll see about it to-morrow. Now, where can I meet you?” “In this room. How will that do?” “I am sure I can get the ticket for you. Be sure to have the money ready.”
“And hark you, my young friend,” continued the stranger, “don’t say a word to any one of what I am going to do for you, or I might have other applications, which I should be obliged to refuse.” Punctually at four the next day the stranger entered the room, where Joe was already awaiting him. “Have you succeeded?” asked Joe eagerly. The stranger nodded. “Let us go up to your room and complete our business. For reasons which I have already mentioned, I prefer that the transaction should be secret.” Joe got his key, and led the way up-stairs. “I had a little difficulty with the agent,” said the stranger; “but finally he yielded, out of old friendship.” He produced a large card, which read thus: CALIFORNIA STEAMSHIP COMPANY. THE BEARER Is Entitled to One Steerage Passage FROM NEW YORK TO SAN FRANCISCO STEAMER COLUMBUS. Below this was printed the name of the agent. Joe paid over the money joyfully. CHAPTER VII: JOE GETS INTO TROUBLE “How lucky I have been,” thought Joe, in the best of spirits. “There wasn’t one chance in ten of my succeeding, and yet I have succeeded. Everything has turned out right. If I hadn’t met this man, I couldn’t have got a ticket at half price.” Joe found that after paying his hotel expenses, he should have a dollar left over. That would have to last him until he reached California. But as he was passing a store with a magnificent window, a stone from some mysterious quarter struck the pane, shivering it into pieces. A stout German - the proprietor - rushed out and seized Joe by the collar. “Aha! I have you, you young rascal!” he exclaimed furiously. “You break my window!” Had either man thought to examine the offending stone, they would have noticed that it was glowing dully; and that the wooden floor where it lay was starting to char and emit smoke. “You take me for one fool, perhaps,” said Joe’s captor, puffing with excitement. “You want to get away, hey?”
Most of the stone’s bulk had burnt away during its fiery passage through the planet’s atmosphere, leaving only its walnut-sized core. “Yes, I do,” replied Joe stoutly. “I don’t know who broke your window; I was just standing here.” Within the rock, something small and very old awoke. “And what about my window?” bellowed the shopkeeper. Alarmed, it realised its vessel had been critically damaged during its descent. “I didn’t break your window! It’s a lie!” retorted Joe. Mewling, it scratched at the obdurate walls of rock. Mustering the last of its strength, it sent a desperate distress call. “You pay me five dollar pretty quick, or I send you to prison!” shouted the German. There was no reply. “I don’t have five dollars! Get your hands off me!” cried Joe. Its thousand-year mission had ended in utter failure. “We’ll see what the polizei say!” exclaimed the German. The thing in the rock, last survivor of a once-proud civilisation, expired. “Don’t he look wicked, the young scamp?” said a thin-visaged onlooker with a long neck. “He’s one of them street rowdies that go around doin’ mischief. They come around and pull my bell, and run away, the villains!”10 “What’s the matter, my boy?” asked a tall man with sandy hair, addressing himself to Joe in a friendly tone. “This man says I broke his window.” “How was it? Did you break it?” “No, sir. I was standing looking in, when a stone came from somewhere and broke it.” “Look here, sir,” said the sandy-haired man, addressing himself to
the German, “what reason have you for charging this boy with breaking your window?” “He stood shoost in front of it,” said the German. “If he had broken it, he would have run away. Didn’t that occur to you?” “Some one broke mine window,” said the German. “Of course; but a boy who threw a stone must do so from a distance, and he wouldn’t be likely to run up at once to the broken window.” “Of course not. The man’s a fool!” were the uncomplimentary remarks of the bystanders, who a minute before had looked upon Joe as undoubtedly guilty. “You’ve got no case at all,” said Joe’s advocate. “Let go the boy’s collar, or I shall advise him to charge you with assault and battery.” “Maybe you one friend of his?” said the German. “I never saw the boy before in my life,” said the other, “but I don’t want him falsely accused.” “Somebody must pay for my window.” “That’s fair; but it must be the boy or man that broke it, not my young friend here, who had no more to do with it than myself. I sympathize with you, and wish you could catch the scamp that did it.” At that moment a policeman came up. “What’s the matter?” he asked. “My window was broke--dat’s what’s de matter.” “Who broke it?” asked the policeman. “I caught dat boy standing outside,” pointing to Joe. “Ah, young blackguard, now I’ve caught you! I’ve been eyeing you for weeks!” “Joe” found himself collared, wondering why he was thought to be young and worrying whether his true identity - Dr. John Watson - would be revealed. “Weeks? But I’ve only been here for two days,” he objected. “Take him to jail!” exclaimed the German, who called himself Morgenthaler but whom Watson knew was in fact the evil Moriarity. Inspector Lestrade began to apprehend Watson when a commanding voice arose.
“Release that boy!” urged the sandy-haired man. Watson barely suppressed a smile as he recognized his disguised old friend, Sherlock Holmes. “If you interfere, I’ll arrest you too.” “Release that boy!” Holmes repeated, “and arrest the German for assault.” Watson felt quite relieved, believing Holmes had at last neutralized his greatest nemesis. “Who are you?” Lestrade demanded. “My name is Dupin, one of the new commissioners.” Watson marveled at the wit of the alias. “Your superior.” “I beg your pardon, sir,” Lestrade fawned. “I didn’t know who you were.” “Nor do you know your duty, Inspector...” “Lestrade, sir.” “Frankly, Lestrade, doing inspectors’ work for them has me at wit’s end. Oh, very well then you have made a false arrest. The German is your man.” “So shall I arrest him, sir?” Lestrade asked. Moriarty trembled in Lestrade’s grip, anxious for his fate. “No, you may release him. His conduct may be excused, given the breaking of his window.” Watson tensed again, anticipating Moriarty’s escape from Holmes’ unknowing grasp. He wondered if Holmes, in not recognizing Moriarity despite his renowned powers of observation, had finally become debilitated by his morphine habit. “I will be relieved,” Holmes sighed, “to escape next week on my tour of the Reichenbach Falls.” Watson saw Moriarty arouse upon hearing Holmes’ destination, but could not reveal Moriarty to Holmes nor the looming danger lest he reveal Holmes as well. “Incompetent inspectors simply exhaust me. Most should be demoted to mere officers. And as for you...” Watson remained silent, sensing imminent doom. “As for you, officer, unless you are more careful in the future, you will not long remain a member of the force.”11
The crowd disappeared, only Joe and his advocate remaining behind. “I am grateful to you, sir, for your kindness,” said Joe. “It is fortunate I came along. Are you a stranger in the city?” “Yes, I was here to accompany my grandson, Charlie, to Wonka’s factory. “You must be careful not to run into danger. There are many perils in the city for the inexperienced.” “So I’ve learned. Charlie was torn asunder this morning by an obese, young woman with violet skin.” The next day, Joe went down to the factory. An Oompa Loompa with attitude stopped him. “Have you got a ticket?” he asked. “Yes, sir,” said Joe, “a golden ticket. There it is.” “Where did you get this?” asked the pygmy. “Craigslist,” said Joe “How much did you pay?” “Actually, I bartered my four-person bed and a tube of moustache wax for it.” “Then you have lost both bed and wax, for it is a bogus ticket. Go home!” Joe frowned beneath his limp moustache. The earth sank under him like a dissolving Everlasting Gobstopper. He realized that he had been swindled, and that a piece of gum that tastes like a three-course meal was farther from his lips than ever. CHAPTER VIII JOE’S LUCK CHANGES The intelligence that his ticket was valueless came to Joe like a thunderbolt from a clear sky. Just minutes before, his excellent prospects had him nearly orgasmic. “What shall I do?” he ejaculated.12 “I can’t tell you,” said the officer. “One thing is clear--you can’t go to California on that ticket.”
Poor Joe! For the moment hope was dead within his breast. He had but one dollar left and that was only half the amount necessary to carry him back to the village where we found him at the commencement of our story. Even if he were able to go back, he felt he would be ashamed to report the loss of his money. The fact that he had allowed himself to be swindled mortified him not a little. He would never hear the last of it if he returned to Oakville. “No; I wouldn’t go back if I could,” he decided. “Wouldn’t I like to get hold of the man that sold me the ticket!” He had hardly given mental expression to this wish when it was gratified. The very man passed him and was about to cross the gangplank into the steamer. Joe’s eyes flashed, and he sprang forward and seized the man by the arm. The swindler’s countenance changed when he recognized Joe, but he quickly decided upon his course. “What do you want, Johnny?” he asked composedly. “What do I want? I want my fifty dollars back.” “I don’t know what you are talking about.” “You sold me a bogus ticket for fifty dollars,” said Joe stoutly. “Here it is. Give me my money.” “The boy must be crazy,” said the swindler. “Did you sell him that ticket?” inquired the officer. “Never saw him before in my life.” “Ain’t you mistaken, boy?” asked the officer. “No, sir. This is the very man.” “Have you any business here?” asked the officer. “Yes,” said the man; “I’ve taken a steerage ticket to San Francisco. Here it is.” “All right. Go in.” He tore himself from Joe’s grasp and went on board the steamer. Our hero, provoked, was about to follow him, when the officer said: “Stand back! You have no ticket.” 13
Two young men, handsomely dressed and apparently possessed of larger means than the great majority of the passengers, got out of a hack and paused close to where Joe was standing. “Dick,” said one, “I’m really sorry you are not going with me. I shall feel awfully lonely without you.” “I am very much disappointed, Charlie, but duty will keep me at home. My father’s sudden, alarming sickness has broken up all my plans.” 14 “Yes, Dick, of course you can’t go.” “If my father should recover, in a few weeks, I will come out and join you, Charlie.” “I hope you may be able to, Dick. By the way, how about your ticket?” “I shall have to lose it, unless the company will give me another in place of it.” “They ought to do it.” “Yes, but they are rather stiff about it. I would sell it for a hundred dollars.” Joe heard this and his heart beat high. He pressed forward, and said eagerly: “Will you sell it to me for that?” The young man addressed as Dick looked, in surprise, at the poorly dressed boy who had addressed him. “Do you want to go to California?” he asked. “Yes, sir,” said Joe. “I am very anxious to go.” “Do I understand you to offer a hundred dollars for my ticket?” “Yes, sir; but I can’t pay you now.” “When do you expect to be able to pay me, then?” “Not till I’ve earned the money in California.” “How much money have you got left?” “A dollar.” “Only a dollar? And you are not afraid to land in California with this sum?” “No, sir. I shall go to work at once.” Joe stood still, looking blankly at the two men and trying to appear harmless. Well, actually he was harmless, but he was trying to appear even less harmless than usual.
Dick walked in a circle around the boy, smirking. “Charlie, are willing to share a room with this… boy?” Squinting slightly, Charlie tipped his head to one side. “I suppose I am. What’s your name, boy?” Joe was focusing so very hard on not appearing to be threatening that he missed the question entirely. He continued staring blankly ahead, his mouth open slightly in concentration. Dick slapped him on the back of his head as he repeated, “What’s your name, boy?” “Joe Mason.” Dick rolled his eyes as Joe wiped an errant string of drool from the corner of his mouth. “Charlie, you’d best hold the ticket. And get your money’s worth out of him on the journey. I don’t think he’ll be earning that hundred dollars to pay you back any time soon unless he steals it. In fact, lock your trunks.” Wide-eyed, Joe waved at Dick as he followed Charlie on board the ship. They met some resistance briefly when Joe was recognized as having tried to board earlier without a real ticket, but Charlie handed over both of their tickets and smiled politely. His expression turned to a smirk as he was met with a suggestive wink from the officer that Joe failed to see, and even if he had seen it, would not comprehend. Shuffling behind his new friend, Joe wondered at his luck. CHAPTER IX: THE FIRST DAY ON BOARD “Let’s find our stateroom, boy,” Charlie said slowly, having decided that Joe was, after all, a bit simple - which would be advantageous for some things and inconvenient for others. The number 16 stateroom turned out to be about the size of a small closet. Joe had no idea how life on a ship should be, but something about this room was decidedly wrong in his eyes. His roommate was brushing against him at every turn as he proclaimed the size of the room and the gratuitous contact to be normal. Joe had nothing to compare it to and decided to adapt as best he could. He suppressed his concerns and doubts. His companion had been to Europe and was used to steamer life.15 “I think, Joe,” said he, “that I shall put you in the top berth. The lower berth is considered more desirable, but I claim it on the score of age and infirmity.” “You don’t look very old, or infirm,” said Joe. “I am twenty-three. And you?” “Fifteen--nearly sixteen.”
“I have a stateroom trunk, which will just slip in under my berth. Where is your luggage?” Joe looked embarrassed. “I don’t know but you will feel ashamed of me,” he said; “but the only extra clothes I have are tied up in this handkerchief.” Charles Folsom whistled. “Well,” said he, “you are poorly provided. What have you got inside?” “A couple of shirts, three collars, two handkerchiefs, and a pair of stockings.” “And you are going a journey of thousands of miles! But never mind,” he said kindly. “I am not much larger than you, and, if you need it, I can lend you. Once in California, you will have less trouble than if you were loaded down with clothes. I must get you to tell me your story when there is time.” They came on deck just in time to see the steamer swing out of the dock. There were some of the passengers with sober faces. They had bidden farewell to friends and relatives whom they might not see for years--perhaps never again. They were going to a new country, where hardships undoubtedly awaited them, and where they must take their chances of health and success. Some, too, feared seasickness, a malady justly dreaded by all who have ever felt its prostrating effects. But Joe only felt joyful exhilaration. “You look happy, Joe,” said young Folsom. “I feel so,” said Joe. “Tell me your story. Where were you living?” Charles Folsom listened attentively. “Major Norton didn’t appear disposed to pamper you, or bring you up in luxury, that’s a fact. It would have been hard lines if, on account of losing your aunt’s legacy, you had been compelled to go back to Oakville.” “I wouldn’t have gone,” said Joe resolutely. “What would you have done?” “Stayed in New York, and got a living somehow, even if I had to black boots in the street.” “I guess you’ll do. You’ve got the right spirit. It takes boys and men like you for pioneers.” Joe was gratified at his companion’s approval.
“Now,” said Folsom, “I may as well tell you my story. I am the son of a New York merchant who is moderately rich. I entered the counting-room at seventeen, and have remained there ever since, with the exception of four months spent in Europe.” “If you are rich already, why do you go out to California?” asked Joe. “I am not going to the mines; I am going to prospect a little for the firm. Some day San Francisco will be a large city. I am going to see how soon it will pay for our house to establish a branch there.” “I see,” said Joe. “I shall probably go out to the mines and take a general survey of the country; but, as you see, I do not go out to obtain employment.” “It must be jolly not to have to work,” said Joe, “but to have plenty of money to pay your expenses.” “Well, I suppose it is convenient. I believe you haven’t a large cash surplus?” “I have a dollar.” The stranger stepped out of the shadows in just the nick of time. But what did he want, why did he care how much money I had? I had been swindled once, a mistake I wouldn’t repeat. “You’ve got some pluck to travel so far away from home with such a slender capital, by Jove!” He talked like a character out of a book, nobody said pluck. And who the hell was Jove? ”What’s with this pluck, buster?” I asked him. I was down on my luck, looking for work. What was his racket? “Not scared, are you?” He looked amused as he put a cigarette into a long holder and lit it with a fancy lighter. Again with the questions. Who sent him? From the shadows I thought I saw a pair of heavily mascaraed eyes watching us, but why? What’s goin’ on? “I’m off to the City of Angels, where there’s sunshine and palm trees,” I said. “Nobody starves there.” What did I really know, I was just filled with moxie and bluster. “Maybe I can help,” the stranger said, moving a little too close for comfort. I’m young, but not that young. ”If you’ve got work, Mister, okay. Otherwise, beat it.” “I like your spirit, kid. I’ve got a spot for you in my outfit.”
“Okay, terrific. I just don’t want any trouble.” “Some bigwigs helped me,” he said, “now I get to return the favor.” “Always ready to learn, as long as it’s on the up-and-up.” I was getting a little excited by those eyes peering at us, but what the hell, I needed the work. The stranger, named Folsom, seemed pleased with his choice. He told me I was alright, even if I was a deadbeat. A few bucks to the maitre’de and we all got to sit at the Captain’s table, where the broads looked hot with their pansy lips and heaving bosoms and the booze never stopped flowing. After downing a few shots, I decided to check out the rest of the ship when all of a sudden I saw that no-good-hustling swindler, who gasped when he saw me on-board, in the flesh. “You here!” the creep exclaimed in amazement. “Yes,” I said, enjoying his distress. “I’m here.” “I thought you said your ticket wasn’t good?” 16 “It wasn’t, as you very well know.” “I don’t know anything about it. How did you smuggle yourself aboard?” “I didn’t smuggle myself aboard at all. I came on like the rest of the passengers.” “You don’t mean it!” ejaculated the fellow, thoroughly astonished. “You told me you hadn’t any more money.” “So I did, and that shows that you were the man that sold me the bogus ticket.” “Nothing of the kind,” said the other, but he seemed taken aback by Joe’s charge. “Well, all I can say is, that you know how to get round. When a man or boy can travel first-class without a cent of money, he’ll do.” “I wouldn’t have come at all if I had had to swindle a poor boy out of his money,” said Joe. Joe walked off without receiving an answer. He took pains to ascertain the name of the man who had defrauded him. He was entered on the passenger-list as Henry Hogan. CHAPTER X: THE DETECTED THIEF “Do you expect to be seasick, Joe?” “I don’t know, Mr. Folsom. This is the first time I have ever been at sea.” “I have crossed the Atlantic twice, and been sick each time. I suppose I have a tendency that way.”
“How does it feel?” asked Joe curiously. Folsom laughed. “It cannot be described,” he answered. “Then I would rather remain ignorant,” said Joe. “You are right. This is a case where ignorance is bliss decidedly.” Just one day, and check it out, Folsom was right on, he was sick, dawg, thought he might have to give it up. Joe comes back and there’s the dude flat on his back in his room. “Dawg! Check it out, what’s goin’ on?”. “Yo, I knew it would happen, dawg. The sea’s a little pitchy, for me it’s not good. I got chills.” “Lemme help you out, dawg.” “I don’t know, man. I’m sorry, its not gonna work for me. I’m gonna have to just hang and wait it out. I mean, yo, dude, you’re not feeling it?” ”No, dawg,” Joe said. “I could eat anything, man.” ”Yo, I hope you can hang in there, work it out. I’d hate to see us both blowin’ and goin’” “Want me to hang here?” “S’aright, dawg. Move on, shake it out, shake it out. That’s what it’s gonna take, for real. I’ll be back in the competition in a coupla days.” Check it out, yo, he was right on. Two days later he’d worked it out and dude was back. He found his little guy had got himself a posse. The crowd loved him. “Everybody’s got mad love for you, dawg, mad love,” he said. “You da bomb.” “I don’t know, dawg,” Joe said, “I’m tryin’.” ”Dude, you’re the real deal, you’re totally workin’ it out. You come here, you’re what, a kid from nowhere? And dawg, I gotta tell you, dawg…dude…man…I gotta give you props, you are in the dog house for real, dawg. Dude, we got a hot one here.” “I am glad you think so, Mr. Folsom. I suppose I was very green and I haven’t got over it yet, but in six months I hope to get rid of it wholly.”17
“It won’t take six months at the rate you are advancing.” Day succeeded day and Joe was not homesick at all. He carried a good appetite to every meal and entered into the pleasures of prison life with zest. He lifted weights in the yard, ate daily in the mess hall, was on the alert for enemy gangs, and managed in one way or another to while away the time cheerfully. He had got into a daily routine, when, one day, there was an unwonted commotion in the mess. A young Mexican had lost forty cigarettes, the entire amount of his earnings from the previous night’s poker game. “Some chorro has rob me,” he complained, in accents of mingled grief and anger. “He has rob me of all my smokes. He hasn’t left me one frajo.” “No one cares. Sit down,” ordered the guard standing closest to him. “But they took my shit,” said the young Mexican. “I said ‘Sit’.” “Look, man, that ain’t right.” “Will you shut up?” the guard whispered as he pulled the young man aside, “This is not the kind of thing you whine about openly, unless you want to get shut up for good. Do you know who took ‘em?” “No.” “Who do you bunk with?” The Mexican nodded at two other men. The first was Mexican. “But he would not rob me. He’s Mijo,” he said. ”That’s Romeo.” “Who is the other man?” The Mexican pointed to Henry Hogan, the same man who had beaten Joe, and a member of the Arians. “The man’s an idiot,” said Hogan, dripping with sarcasm and distain towards the young Mexican and the black guard. “Does he mean to say a gentleman like me would steal his paltry smokes?” “He hasn’t said so,” said the first officer quietly. “He only said that you slept near him.” “He’d better not accuse me,” blustered Hogan. 18
The officer was a judge of human nature, and Hogan’s manner and words made him suspect that he was really the guilty party. ‘Whoa now! You sound guilty with all this fuss.’ ‘He’s just making out he’s something he’s not. He never had a dime! said Hogan, inflated with indignation. ‘Hmmm.’ Said the officer. ‘How shall we prove that he ever had the cash?’ He asked himself. ‘I seen him with the money!’ Blurted out Pat Riley, a tiny Irishman with fierce eyes. ‘Oh yeah?’ The officer was relieved. ‘What denomination was it?’ ‘Looked like Church of the Fiscal Indiscretion. Smelled like dreams that got frittered on groceries, and had the sour tang of sex for power’. ‘Well it was certainly money, then.’ He turned to the German with eyes wide. ‘Was it really like that?’ He asked. ‘Yes Sir. Once I could have been anything, with that money – there were endless possibilities. Now there’s only a void. I’m a shell.’ He raised his arms to embrace the world and then let them flop down by his sides, empty again. ‘Oh, but that’s terrible...’ The officer looked as though he could really feel the man’s pain. He was a good sort, so he considered his next move carefully. ‘OK. Anyone who has the money may jump ship and good luck to you. Right now! You’re invited! Now’s your moment. Come on, we haven’t got all day! No? In that case, we must search the men from bunks adjacent.’ Hogan felt uneasy. A stubborn pride rooted him to the spot. Beyond the officer, the noise of the engines insisted that survival was possible. He was suddenly hit by a sense that the air was rich with luck: each of his fellow passengers had a range of lives fanned-out before them, like a peacock’s tail in the hands of a coquette. But the truth was the opposite. Folk trudged from one rut to another, rare chances sailing by, and barely noticed at that. Fritz, the young German, came forward readily.19 “I am ready,” he said. “I’m not,” said Hogan. “Why are you always coming down here? - I’m just earning a living. How come you don’t wear a badge?” “This is my badge,” said the officer, and flicked the safety off his Glock. “Empty your pockets.” Hogan tossed the items from his pockets onto the street. A wallet. Some keys. A torn scarf. A pack of peppermints. And finally, the clear bag of white powder.
“Are these your drugs?” the officer asked the German, who clearly didn’t know what to say. There was no right answer. He shifted uncomfortably, his trainers squeaking. “Tell you what,” the officer said. “I’ll hang on to it and if you remember that Hogan stole it from you, you come and see me down at the precinct.” “You’re not police,” said Hogan. “‘I’m just earning a living’ Now go.” “That’s not the real bag,” said Joe, speaking up for the first time. All eyes were on him now, including the solo eye of the Glock. “You’re better off using that to bake a cake than putting it up your nose,” Joe said. “He switched the bags. I should know. I’m fifty dollars down ‘cos of this clown.” “Another satisfied customer,” said the officer. “Hogan, if you don’t give me what I’m asking for I’m going to have to fire a warning shot straight into your chest. Do you understand?” Hogan reached into his back pocket ... “... Slowly, Hogan ...” ... to retrieve another bag, which he tossed onto the pile. “Good boy.” The ‘officer’ picked up the bag, unfastened it with one hand, dipped in a finger, rubbed a little on his gums ... “... You’re free to go,” he announced, grinning like a talk show host. Hogan picked up his things, then turned to Joe. “I’ll be seeing you around,” he said. “Sure you will,” said Joe. Folsom nudged Joe in the ribs. “You gotta watch that guy,” he said. He would have been confirmed in his opinion had he observed the glance of hatred with which the detected thief followed his young ward.20 CHAPTER XI: JOE ARRIVES IN SAN FRANCISCO At the isthmus they exchanged steamers, crossing the narrow neck of land on the backs of mules. To-day the journey is more rapidly and comfortably made in a railroad-car. Of the voyage on the Pacific nothing need be said. The weather was fair, and it was uneventful. It was a beautiful morning in early September when they came in sight of the Golden Gate, and, entering the more placid waters of San Francisco Bay, moored at a short distance from the town.
“What do you think of it, Joe?” asked Charles Folsom. “I don’t know,” said Joe slowly. “Is this really San Francisco?” “It is really San Francisco.” “It doesn’t seem to be much built up yet,” said Joe. In fact, the appearance of the town would hardly suggest the stately capital of to-day, which looks out like a queen on the bay and the ocean, and on either side opens her arms to the Eastern and Western continents. It was a town of tents and one-story cabins, irregularly and picturesquely scattered over the hillside, with here and there a sawmill, where now stand some of the most prominent buildings of the modern city. For years later there was a large mound of sand where now the stately Palace Hotel covers two and a half acres. Where now stand substantial business blocks, a quarter of a century since there appeared only sandy beaches or mud-flats, with here and there a wooden pier reaching out into the bay. Only five years before the town contained but seventy-nine buildings--thirty-one frame, twenty-six adobe, and the rest shanties. It had grown largely since then, but even now was only a straggling village, with the air of recent settlement. “You expected something more, Joe, didn’t you?” “Yes,” admitted Joe. “You must remember how new it is. Ten years, nay, five, will work a great change in this straggling village. We shall probably live to see it a city of a hundred thousand inhabitants.” The passengers were eager to land. They were tired of the long voyage and anxious to get on shore. They wanted to begin making their fortunes. “What are your plans, Joe?” asked Charles Folsomikov. “I shall rededicate myself to the glorious Party,” said Josef. “Comrade Lenin has shown me my true alienated condition as a worker.” “Josef,” said the young man seriously. “Is it true you’re joining a farm collective? As a private merchant you could be rich in several years.” Our young comrade shook his head. “Perhaps, Charles Vladimirovich, but merchants are selfish. Here in Petrograd, Cradle of the Revolution, I am inspired by our new, unbreakable union. We must join a cooperative, a brotherhood of men.” “Suppose it doesn’t work?” suggested Charles Vladimirovich Folsomikov.
“The future is shining,” said Josef resolutely. “Perhaps we can sell a few items on the side…” “The will of the people will lead us. We must carry forward as one, for the crimson flag, for our Motherland.” “Perhaps you are right, Josef. At any rate, I admire your dedication to the Party.” There was a small crowd collected on Troitsky Bridge, near the Summer Palace. A few aged generals in crisp uniforms stood in the adjacent square, mingling with tall, angelic women wrapped in fox and sable. Some turned their gaze from the Neva to watch the new arrivals with interest. Josef looked puzzled. “They don’t look like workers.” “Oh, you know how the ladies are about appearance. No doubt these are old clothes, left from before the Revolution.” At this moment a beautiful woman stepped forward and said brusquely: “Is this Comrade Vladimirovich Folsomikov?” “Yes,” answered Folsom, puzzled.21 “You don’t remember me?” said the other, laughing. “Not I.” “Not remember Harry Carter, your old chum?” “Good Heaven!” exclaimed Folsom, surveying anew the rough figure before him. “You don’t mean to say you are Harry Carter?” “The same, at your service.” “What a transformation! Why, you used to be rather a swell and now----” “Now I look like a barbarian.” “Well, rather,” said Folsom, laughing. “You want me to explain? Such toggery as I used to wear would be the height of folly at the mines.” “I hope you have had good luck,” said Folsom. “Pretty fair,” said Carter, in a tone of satisfaction. “My pile has reached five thousand dollars.”
“And how long have you been at work?” “A year. I was a bookkeeper in New York on a salary of fifteen hundred dollars a year. I used to spend all my income--the more fool I--till the last six months, when I laid by enough to bring me out here. Now, what brings you out here? Are you going to the mines?” “Presently, but not to dig. I came to survey the country.” “Let me do what I can for you.” “I will. First, what hotel shall I go to?” “There is the Leidesdorff House, on California Street. I’ll lead you there.” “Thank you. Will you come, Joe?” “My name is Jeff. But yes, I will go to find out where the party is.” The three, Janey, Lynne, and Maggie, bent their leg-warmer-clad knees to the hotel referred to, The Court. It was a shanty compared with the magnificent one-hour hotels which now open their portals to strange teenage girls, but the charge was just $9.99 a day and included a complimentary gift basket with a tape of the Wham’s greatest collection of music – an offer the girls would be repulsed to refuse. “I guess I won’t stop here,” said Jeff, “My money wouldn’t keep me here more than an hour; two if I am able to back-flip past security.” “Please, Jeff, I love to dance – and I have experience getting past security. I’ve snuck out of choir at least a dozen times. At any rate, you must dine with me,” said Janey. “Then we should let our food settle for one hour and then we can come back here and dance. Have I mentioned that I love to dance?” “You must dine with me.” Jeff retorted in earnest. “I am earnest,” Jeff added. Janey saw that he was in earnest, and heard it when he told her he was, and she accepted. The dinner was plain but abundantly full of mashed potatoes, and both did justice to it. Joe did not know till afterward that the dinner cost five dollars apiece. He chugged a Tab and slammed his fist into the table in rebel-without-a-cause-like anger. “Ouch,” he regretted. After mashed potatoes Janey and Jeff sat down to talk over their dance moves for the grand Dance TV competition, but they got in a fight. Janey missed curfew, and Jeff felt that there was no time for him to lose.
He had his competition winnings to make. Still more important, he had his living to make, and in a place like Chicago where dancers were held as cheap as whores in New York or Boston. So, emerging into the street, with his dignity under his arm, he bent his own leg-warmer-clad knees as chance directed. CHAPTER XII: JEFF FINDS HIMSELF Jeff knew nothing about the streets that had names – but he knew a lot about Catholic school girls. Chance brought him to State Street, near what is no longer Marshall Fields. Outside of a low wooden building, which appeared to be a restaurant, was a sound stage. “Am I human or am I dancer?” mused Jeff. It would not do to be bashful. So he went in. A slim, dark-haired woman in an apron was waiting on the guests. She smiled coyly. Natalie! Joe concluded that this must be the proprietor.22 “Sit down, boy,” said he, “if you want some dinner.” “I had a seafood casserole—really a spicy coconut-milk broth,” said Joe. ”Don’t you want that wood outside sawed and split?” “Yes.” “Who should you call when you need someone to do it all? Let me do that.” “Go ahead.” There was a saw and saw-horse outside. The work was not new to Joe, and he went at it vigorously. No bargain had been made, but Joe knew so little of what would be considered a fair price that in this first instance he chose to leave it to his employer. As he was at work Folsom and his friend passed by. “Have you found a job already?” said Folsom. “Yes, Sir, I will,” he said. But not crassly. “You have kept your promise, Joe. You said you would take the first job that offered.” “Yes, indeed it is. P.S.: I meant what I said, and I said what I meant.” “Come round to the Leidesdorff House this evening and tell me how you made out.” “Thank you sir for being so kind. You will always be in our mind.” “That seems a smart boy,” said Carter. “Yes, he is. If I just want to be in his head I give something to him I think. We’ve been shaking hands too long. Don’t leave it to chance. Help him along if you can.” “I will. I like his pluck.”
“He has no false pride. A truly humble person has no need for others to know. He is ready to do anything. He makes sure he’s ready for anything once he gets on the field.” “Everybody is here. You know Jim Graves, who used to have his shingle up as a lawyer on Nassau Street?” “Yes. Is he here? He say yes.” “He has been here three months. What do you think he is doing?” “I couldn’t guess. The mayor wasn’t interested in crack until his ex-lover spurned his advances.” “I don’t think you could. He has turned drayman.” Charles Folsom gazed at his friend in wonder.23 “Turned drayman!” he exclaimed. “Is he reduced to that?” “Reduced to that! My dear fellow, you don’t understand the use of language. Graves is earning fifteen dollars a day at his business, and I don’t believe he made that in New York in a month.” “Well, it is a strange state of society. Does he mean to be a drayman all his life?” “Of course not. A year hence he may be a capitalist, or a lawyer again. Meanwhile he is saving money.” “He is a sensible man, after all; but, you see, Carter, it takes time to adjust my ideas to things here. The first surprise was your rough appearance.” “There is one advantage my rough life has brought me,” said Carter. “It has improved my health. I was given to dyspepsia when I lived in New York. Now I really believe I could digest a tenpenny nail, or--an eating-house mince pie, which is more difficult.” “You have steep hills in San Francisco.” “Yes, it is something of a climb to the top of Clay Street Hill. When you get to the top you get a fine view, though.” Now the hill may be ascended in cars drawn up the steeply graded sides by an endless rope running just below the surface. No such arrangement had been thought of then. Folsom gave out when he had completed half the ascent. Meanwhile Joe kept steadily at his task. “It will take me three hours and a half, possibly four,” he said to himself, after a survey of the pile. “I wonder what pay I shall receive.”
While thus employed many persons passed him. One among them paused and accosted him. “So you have found work already?” he said. Looking up, Joe recognized Harry Hogan, the man who had swindled him. He didn’t feel inclined to be very social with this man. “Yes,” said he coldly. Scene 1: Outside the Hosterfraubauhaushaus Hogan: Od’s bodkins, but methinks it strange work for a swarthy traveler of such noble maritime seating. Joe: Neigh, the work is both fortunate and fitting for my most penniless self. Hogan: Then tell me, sirrah, to what extent will ye be verily funded? Joe: Ah, thou hast me by the shorthairs there, my lad, as I am sore afraid that my answer will be nil. Hogan: Egad, man! Hast thou no nose for snorting out a system for success? Joe: Neigh. Hogan: Might I then inquire as to your future plans for prosperity? Joe: Forsooth, I am in a quandary of questioning and cannot say yeigh or neigh. [Exeunt Joe, pursued by a bear.] Hogan: My bile pushes up my throat whence I contemplate that suckling pig of a boy. Does he think himself my better, country lout that he is? I will puke him out and say the barf bag well worth the expense. [Exeunt Hogan, pursued by a chicken.] Scene 2: Inside the Hosterfraubauhaushaus Joe: Thou seest that my afflictions have become accomplishments. I rest my case. The German: My amazement sits upon me like Niobe upon a water buffalo. Shall you please reveal unto me the price of your perserverance? Joe: Once again thou hast caught me in the midst of my oe’er weening ignorance. For pity’s sake, reveal unto me the value of my Ethiop’s pearl of service.
The German: A repast worthy of 9000 kings of Persia and a five-dollar coupon for Ye Olde Walmarte. (Some restrictions apply.) Joe could hardly believe his ears. Five dollars and a supper for four hours’ work! Surely he had come to the Land of Gold in very truth.24 “Will dat do?” “Oh, yes,” said Joe. “I didn’t expect so much.” “You shouldn’t tell me dat. It isn’t business.” Joe pocketed the gold piece which he received with a thrill of exultation. He had never received so much in value for a week’s work before. Just then a man paid two dollars for a very plain supper. “That makes my pay seven dollars,” said Joe to himself. “If I can get steady work, I can get rich very quick,” he thought. There was one thing, however, that Joe did not take into account. If his earnings were likely to be large, his expenses would be large, too. So he might receive a good deal of money and not lay up a cent. “Shall you have any more work to do?” asked Joe. “Not shoost now,” answered the German. “You can look round in a week. Maybe I have some then.” CHAPTER XIII: JOE’S HOTEL Before going to the Leidesdorff House to call upon his friend Folsom, Joe thought he would try to make arrangements for the night. He came to the St. Francis Hotel, on the corner of Dupont and Clay Streets. There was an outside stair that led to the balcony that ran all round the second story. The doors of the rooms opened upon this balcony. A man came out from the office. “How much do you charge?” “Three dollars.” “He must take me for a millionaire,” thought Joe. “I can’t afford it,” he said.
As Joe descended the stairs he did not feel quite so rich. Six dollars won’t go far when lodging costs three dollars and supper two. Continuing his wanderings, Joe came to a tent, which seemed to be a hotel in its way, for it had “Lodgings” inscribed on the canvas in front. “What do you charge for lodgings?” Joe inquired. “A dollar,” was the reply. Looking in, Joe saw that the accommodations were of the plainest. Thin pallets were spread about without pillows. Joe was not used to luxury but to sleep here would be roughing it even for him. But he was prepared to rough it, and concluded that he might as well pass the night here. “All right!” said he. “I’ll be round by and by.” Joe went on to the Leidesdorff Hotel and was cordially received by Mr. Folsom. “How much have you earned to-day, Joe?” “Five dollars and my supper.” “I wish my bed was large enough to hold two; you should be welcome to a share of it. But they don’t provide very wide bedsteads in this country.” Mr. Folsom’s bed was about eighteen inches wide. “Thank you, sir,” said Joe; “I shall do very well in the tent, I am sure.” “I am thinking of making a trip to the mines with my friend Carter,” continued Folsom. “Very likely we shall start to-morrow. Do you want to go with us?” Said Joe, “For now I must decline Lay by some money before I hit the mine” GOODNIGHT FORTUNE In the great tent room There was a boy near grown And a Colt Dragoon And a picture of Men digging riches out of a dune And there were three rough chaps sleeping with caps And two dirty mallets And a slew of hard pallets
And a little black cat And a quick rat And a flask and some muck and a heart full of pluck And a nasty scoundrel who was cursing “Luck” Goodnight tent room Goodnight Fortune Goodnight men digging riches out of a dune Goodnight plight And the Colt Dragoon Goodnight chaps Goodnight caps Goodnight mallets And goodnight pallets Goodnight mines And goodnight whines Goodnight little cat And goodnight rat Goodnight flask And goodnight muck Goodnight benefactor Goodnight pluck And goodnight to the scoundrel cursing “Luck” Goodnight shanties Goodnight bear Goodnight prospectors everywhere CHAPTER XIV JOE’S SECOND DAY
Awakened at seven o’clock Joe sat up and took stock One gold coin and the dinner in his gut That lazy loaf will try to steal a cut Not afraid of the motley crowd Joe announced this loud and proud “Pretty good, but I beat you,” said Hogan.25 “How much did you make?” “I shall reveal my fortune to you.” Hogan’s hand held humbly a hefty heap of cash. He vowed it was a simple task to bring the bread, but not to ask. Mystified and wide-eyed, Joe stared at Hogan’s handful. Joe let on that he did not believe the fortune was brought on so easily. “I placed my bets and this is what I intended to get.” “Oh!” said Joe, who was frightened by the gambling guy. “C’mon man, come try your hand,” said Hogan. “Even cutting cheese isn’t easier than racking in these Gs” “That may be a breeze,” said Joe, “But I think I am better at cutting cheese.” “Oh, fuddy dud, you need to live it up!” “Why do I have to waste my mind with a bunch of poker-faced mimes? “ “Fine, B.K., have it your way. I cannot afford to lose, and take my chances I will.” “I don’t see discretion as to your activities and what they may be” said Joe. “What do you mean?” inquired Hogan suspiciously. “I know you know what I mean,” said Joe. “Your method of getting money in New York, you know the way you made your dough on the boat ride over.” “You know what?” Hogan was addressing Joe with the most intimidation he could muster. “I don’t need your lip. You are about to find out what a hardass I am. I’m one tough cookie, and one tough customer.” Hogan might have been a tough cookie, but his expression said more sissy girl than anything. “I don’t doubt it,” said Joe.
“Watch your back, and don’t talk smack! I ain’t going to have you hating on me, and I guarantee I will protect myself, whatever that may entail. You feel me?” “I think I do, Mr. Hogan, but I don’t feel particularly alarmed.” Joe got up and walked out. The only thought on his brain was his insane hunger. He thought of the place where he took supper but was deterred from going there by the high prices.26 Joe finally succeeded in finding a humble place where for a dollar he obtained a cup of coffee, a plate of cold meat, and as much bread as he could eat. “I shall have to make it do with two meals a day,” thought our hero. “Then it will cost me three dollars a day to live, including lodging, and I shall have to be pretty lucky to make that.” After breakfast Joe walked about the streets, hoping that something would turn up. But his luck did not seem to be so good as the day before. Hour after hour passed and no chance offered itself. As he was walking along feeling somewhat anxious, he met Hogan. “Lend me a dollar,” said Hogan quickly. “I’m dead broke.” “Where has all your money gone?” asked Joe, “Lost it at faro. Lend me a dollar and I’ll win it all back.” “I have no money to spare,” said Joe decidedly. “Curse you for a young skinflint!” said Hogan, scowling. “I’ll get even with you yet.” CHAPTER XV: THE FOILED ASSASSIN In the evening he strolled down Montgomery Street to Telegraph Hill. It was not a very choice locality, the only buildings being shabby little dens, frequented by a class of social outlaws who kept concealed during the day but came out at night--a class to which the outrages frequent at this time were rightly attributed. Joe was stumbling along the uneven path, when all at once he found himself confronted by a tall fellow wearing a slouched hat. The man paused in front of him, but did not say a word. Finding that he was not disposed to move aside, Joe stepped aside himself. He did not as yet suspect the fellow’s purpose. He understood it, however, when a heavy hand was laid on his shoulder. “Quick, boy, your money!” said the ruffian. Having but two dollars and a half, Joe naturally felt reluctant to part with it, and this gave him the courage to object. “I’ve got none to spare,” he said and tried to tear himself away.
His resistance led the fellow to suspect that he had a considerable sum with him. Joe felt himself seized and carried into a den close by, which was frequented by thieves and desperate characters. There was a counter, on which was set a dim oil-lamp. There were a few bottles in sight, and a villainous-looking fellow appeared to preside over the establishment. The latter looked up as Joe was brought in. “Who have you there?” asked the barkeeper. “A young cove as don’t want to part with his money.” “You’d better hand over what you’ve got, young ‘un.” Joe looked from one to the other and thought he had never seen such villainous faces before. “What are you lookin’ at?” demanded his captor suspiciously, “You want to know us again, do you? Maybe you’d like to get us hauled up, would you? As soon as our business is over, there ain’t no occasion for our meetin’ again. Don’t you go to point us out, or—” He didn’t finish the sentence, but whipped out a long knife, which made any further remarks unnecessary. Under the circumstances, resistance would be madness and Joe drew out his money. “Is that all you’ve got?” demanded the thief. “Every cent,” said Joe. “It won’t leave me anything to pay for my night’s lodging.” “Then you can sleep out. I’ve done it many a time. But I’ll take the liberty of searching you, and seeing if you tell the truth or not.” “Just as you like,” said Joe. [Hey, Horatio, I think you should make this punchier, more confrontational. Joe needs to be less wuss, more “The Wire.” --ed.] Joe was searched, but no more money was found. [Passive voice. Fix. Maybe “Joe had nothing to give except a piece of his mind.” Then change this next bit to show it. My suggestion below.] “I got nothin’,” he said in a low growl. “But frisk me again. I dare you.” The barkeeper gazed at him with cold, begrudging respect, then flicked his thumb toward the door. “Don’t come back until you’ve got money.” Joe stared him down as he strode toward the door, his gait betraying his newfound swagger. [See, isn’t that better, Horatio? And then this next line of yours is GOLDEN. I can see it on tshirts, mugs, all kinds of merch. Definitely in the book trailer.] Having lost everything, any turn of fortune must be for the better. [Seriously, Oprah will love
that.] “It’s just as well I didn’t get a job to-day,” thought Joe. ”I would only have had more money to lose.” He had not walked a hundred feet when his attention was called [Passive voice again, Horatio ...] to the figure of a gentleman walking some rods in front of him. He saw it indistinctly, and would not have given it a second thought had he not seen that man was stealthily followed by someone who in general appearance resembled [Be more direct, Horatio! E.g. “What caught his eye was the figure lurking behind the rod-carrying innocent--a thug who looked EXACTLY like ...”] the rascal who had robbed him of his money. The pursuer carried in his hand a canvas bag filled with sand. This, though Joe did not know it, was a dangerous weapon in the hands of a lawless human. [Bag of sand? Are you kidding, Horatio?? How long have you lived in the city? Make it a crowbar or lug wrench at minimum. Better yet, a sawed-off shotgun. And let me rework this last graph for you.] Joe could tell thug’s nefarious intentions. Most teenagers would have split right then, run back to the sterile safe haven of home and the virtual thrills of “Grand Theft Auto.” But Joe wasn’t like most sixteen-year-olds, wasn’t averse to real-life danger, wasn’t afraid to fight for justice. Literally. [Horatio: This would be a great time to mention his stint in juvy, his rough-and-tumble family life, or maybe a secret apprenticeship with a kung-fu master.] He felt a chivalrous desire to rescue the unsuspecting stranger from the peril that menaced him.27 Joe, too, imitating the stealthy motion of the pursuer, swiftly gained upon him, overtaking him just as he had the sand-bag poised aloft, ready to be brought down upon the head of the traveler. With a cry, Joe rushed upon the would-be assassin, causing him to stumble and fall. Something looked eerily familiar about this murderous stranger. But what it was precisely he could not yet say. Joe sprang to the side of the gentleman in front. “Have you a pistol?” he said quickly. Scarcely knowing what he did, the gentleman drew out a pistol and put it in Joe’s hand. Joe cocked it, stood facing the ruffian, and gasped in shock. “How can this be?” he murmured. For the man sneering back at Joe looked, in every particular, exactly like Joe himself. “What are you?”
The doppelgänger’s answer was to swing the sand-bag aloft. “Curse you!” he said in Joe’s own voice, sending a glissando of horror rolling down Joe’s spine. “I’ll make you pay for this!” “One step forward,” said Joe, in a clear, distinct voice not betraying the chaos of confusion and fear in his gut. “And I will put a bullet through your brain!” “And if you do?” replied the mirror-image man. “Who dies? Dare you to shoot lead into my skull, which is your skull as well?” The assassin stepped back and laughed Joe’s laugh, confident and ringing. “Now put down that weapon, you whipper-snapper!” “Not much!” answered Joe. “Not much,” mocked the clone. “Stop that!” hollered Joe. “Stop that!” replied the other Joe. “I’ve a great mind to kill you!” “I’ve a great mind to kill you.” “Oh, come on!” Joe demanded. “Turn round and leave us.” The doppelgänger eyed him carefully. “Will you promise not to shoot?” “Yes, if you go off quietly.” “I will. Only remember, Joe, that the greatest obstacle a man may face is his own self: his own predilections, his own obstinance and foolishness haunting him like a demon.” When the peculiar highwayman had concluded this warning and moved off, Joe said: “Well, that was weird. We’d better be moving, and pretty quickly, or the fellow may return, with more versions of me, and I’ll totally flip my lid. Where are you stopping?”28 “At the Waverly House.” “Ah, yes. That’s just a few light years away.” The man pulled a large walkie-talkie out of his cloak and spoke softly into it. Soon, the breeze picked up and gradually became a windstorm. Then lights flashed all around, strobe-like, and
Joe looked up and saw a massive spaceship hoovering overhead. A walkway slowly descended from the belly of the ship. “Come on!” the man said, shouting over the wind. He ran for the walkway, his cloak whipping, and Joe, resigned to the strange turns his life was taking, ran after him. CHAPTER XVI: JOE’S NEW FRIEND They were onboard the ship. The man was walking quickly, and Joe, who was distracted by the ugliness of the ship’s interior, had to run to keep up. He followed the man up a rickety metal staircase and across a catwalk. A computerized voice, which seemed to come from everywhere, intoned, “Now departing for the Waverly House--home of the best whores in the galaxy.” The ship began shaking violently. Joe gripped the handrail and waited for the shaking to subside. Then he ran after the man, who hadn’t stopped speed-walking. “My quarters are here,” the man was saying. He pressed a code into a keypad and the door opened with a hiss. “I know I must’ve startled you,” the man continued, once they were inside. “I only arrived on Earth yesterday. You see, I collect planets, and I’d like to add Saturn to my collection. But I find that those pesky rings will get in the way of my ship’s towing mechanism. I could pull the planet away on its axis, but I’m afraid I might leave the rings behind. And what good is Saturn without its rings? It’s like a ninja without ninja stars!” The man banged his fist onto a table. “An insurmountable problem!” “Now arriving at the Waverly House.” The man’s face softened, and then he smiled at Joe. “Best whores in the galaxy,” he said with a salacious wink. Joe stammered. “Well, I mean, perhaps I should--” “Come on, my boy,” the man said. “The Waverly House has whores from several galaxies. No, some aren’t particularly attractive--one of them is a hunter with muscles, dreadlocks, and a mouth with sharp teeth--but I’m sure you’ll find some alien to your liking.” “No, no, I don’t--” “You’ve done me a great service, and I feel it necessary to pay the debt. Now ...” He was rummaging through a nightstand. “Here we are,” he said, holding up a box of condoms. Joe didn’t want to fathom what kinds of alien diseases he could pick up. “My name is George Morgan. What’s your name again? Where are you staying?”29
Joe’s face flushed and he looked embarrassed. EDITOR’S NOTES: “Just before I came up with you,” he answered, thinking frankness best, “I was robbed of two dollars and a half, all the money I had in this world. I shall have to SLEEP in the streets to-night.” WHERE’S JOE’S COFFIN? “Not if I know it,” said Morgan emphatically. “This bed isn’t very large, but you are welcome to a share of it. To-morrow we will form our plans.” MAYBE MORGAN HAS EXTRA COFFIN? TOO “ANNE RICE-Y” “Shan’t I inconvenience you, sir?” asked Joe. SUGGEST: “DON’T WANNA TROUBLE YOU.” “Not a bit,” answered Morgan heartily. SUGGEST “YOU’RE NO TROUBLE.” FORESHADOWING! ☺ “Then I will stay, sir, and THANKS you. After the adventure I have had To-night, I shouldn’t enjoy being out in the streets.” GOOD REMINDER OF ZOMBIES I REQUESTED. THAT SCENE’S REWRITE TK? IDEA: CAN ZOMBIES BE SHAPESHIFTERS? (3D MOVIE POTENTIAL) ”Tell me how you came to be robbed. Was it by the same man who made the attack upon me?” “No, sir. I wish it had been, as then I should feel even with him. It was a man that looked very much like him, though.” Joe gave an account of the robbery, to which his new friend listened with attention. WASN’T JOE TO EXPLAIN SEARCH FOR NECKLACE OF ETERNAL DAY HERE? SEE PREVIOUS NOTES. “Evidently,” he said, “the street we were in is not a very safe one. Have you had any supper?” PLEASE SEND RECIPES FOR ENHANCED E-BOOK “Oh, yes, sir. Luckily, I got that and paid for it before I had my money taken.” CAN JOE JUST NOD AND LICK LIPS? “Good. Now, as I am tired, I will go to bed, and you can follow when you feel inclined.” “I will go now, sir. I have been walking the streets all day, in search of work, and, though I found none, I am tired, all the same.” THIS IS WHERE I SUGGESTED THE GHOST WEREWOLVES COULD ATTACK. They woke up at seven o’clock. NICE TRANSITION. “How did you rest, Joe?” asked George Morgan.
“Very well, sir.” “Do you feel ready for breakfast?” “As soon as I can earn money enough to pay for it.” “Don’t trouble yourself about that. You are going to breakfast with me.” MARKETING ASKED: PLEASE MOVE LOCATION TO SEATTLE. HAVE VAMPIRES LIVE UNDER STARBUCKS (CORPORATE PARTNER). BUT, OF COURSE, THIS IS YOUR STORY! “You are very kind, Mr. Morgan, but I wish you had some work for me to do, so that I could pay you.”30 “That may come after awhile. Don’t delay your breakfast till you can pay for it. You’ve done me a great service, which fifty breakfasts couldn’t pay for.” Suddenly his eyes rolled and he began to drool. “Ah, fifty breakfasts.” “Anybody would do what I did, Mr. Simpson,” said modest Joe. “If you say so.” Now, sing, O Muse, of this next day in the life of virtuous, hardworking Joe, born seemingly under an ill-favored aspect but through luck, pluck, and sheer determination caught the notice of the gods, who might just be moved to help him achieve success, or at least a state of being reasonably comfortable, that is, if we have any sense of how this is going to play out. After they had put away their desire for eating and drinking they walked outside. Though it was early, the town was already astir. People got up at rosy-fingered dawn in those days. Building was going on here and there. Draymen were piloting heavy loads through the streets. “Zeus’s beard!” said often surprised Simpson, his glance resting on a man in command of a dray. “Do you hear that fellow?” “Is he a foreigner?” asked perspicacious, nose-to-the-grindstone (and did we mention virtuous?) Joe. “I don’t understand him.” The wily man was talking to his horse in Greek, quoting from a certain epic poem. “Hey, buddy,” inappropriately loud Simpson called to him. “What is it, sir?” said the man. “What language is that your horse speaks?”
“I was speaking Greek, sir.” The resourceful and apparently bilingual man wore a nametag that said: “Odysseus, but my friends call me Ulysses.” The horse did not advertise its name. “Why’s a poindexter like you driving a cart?” Simpson continued, licking the remnants of breakfast from his fingers. The man smiled. “How much do you think I am earning?” “I dunno.” “Twenty dollars a day.” “D’oh!” Then the man spoke forth winged words. “I have traveled far across the wine-dark sea to return home. Along the way I lost all my men, some to that wine-dark sea I mentioned and some to a sorceress, a Cyclops, and also drug addiction. I was swept aground here in California, where I found out my wife, Penelope, had relocated from our home in Ithaca, NY, and soon after landed herself a trireme’s measure of suitors. So I need to make enough money to hire mercenaries to slay all of them mercilessly. I had an offer to drive a dray. I may be favored by the gods but I’m not afraid of hard work.” “The gods are everywhere; they’re omnivorous,” the unspeakably daft Simpson said. “That doesn’t make sense,” always wide awake (except when he’s asleep) Joe responded. The man continued. “I can lay up half my earnings and am quite satisfied.”31 “But you won’t be a drayman all your life?” “Oh no, sometimes this work causes me strife. It helps pay bills but soon I’ll make a change For now this is the best I can arrange.” With that, the barrister drove on his way, Which caused Morgan to scratch his head and say, “It’s hard to gauge a man by what he does My brain’s abuzz and filled with lots of fuzz.” Joe glanced with wistful eyes along the road. “I wish I had a cart for hauling loads.” Said Morgan, “You’re too young and far too small To think of loading heavy things to haul. ”I’m looking for a business op to start-And hopefully I’ll make a choice that’s smart. Back home I had a business that went sour
So now I must regroup to regain power. ”I gained ten thousand out of the concern. And brought a part to see what it will earn. Invested most of it to keep it safe So I won’t be an aging, homeless waif” Joe’s eyes burned bright with happiness and glee, “Ten thousand! What a rich man you must be!” To which good Morgan chuckled and replied, “I’m sure that your excitement will subside. ”To one so young that sum must seem a lot, But I must dash your hopes, for it is not. At any rate I plan to see it grow I want to try and make a fortune, Joe.” In silence they walked through the neighborhood Where a “For Sale” sign so proudly stood. A working, eating place was there to grab Although the neighborhood seemed rather drab. Then Morgan looked at Joe ambitiously And asked a question expeditiously “Would you like to buy out this restaurant? You’ll sell some widdles, even fresh croissants.” Joe shook his head, for he knew in advance, He had no way to shoulder the finance. “Let’s go in anyway,” Morgan replied. And straight into the building he did stride. The owner was a man of middle age. Straight into business talk they did engage. “Why do you wish to sell?” Morgan inquired. The man said, “Change is very much desired.” ”I want to work the mines and live outdoors I can’t remain inside just sweeping floors.” Wheels spinning in his brain, Morgan thought fast, “Is business good? Can money be amassed?” The man responded quick with no delay, “The profit varies here at this café. To tell the truth, friend, sometimes I have made Seventy-five bucks profit in a day.”32
“How much do you ask for the business?” “I’ll take five hundred dollars.” “Do you?” He whispered to Joe, “Here is how real men negotiate business.” He straightened up. “Have you a reliable cook, you fucking cocksucker?” “Yes, you son of a bitch. What’s your name?” “Fuck you, that’s my name. You know why, mister? You walked to get here. I walked here with two thousand dollars in my pocket. THAT’S my name. Will he stay?” “Yes. You will do well to buy.” “I don’t want it for myself. I want it for this young man.” “For this boy?” asked the restaurant-keeper. “You want to know what it takes to run a restaurant, boy? It takes BRASS BALLS to run a restaurant. Because only one thing counts in this life: Get them to order from the menu which is chalked on the board. A-B-C. A-Always, B-Be, CCooking. Always be cooking. ALWAYS BE COOKING. They’re sitting out there waiting to give you their money. Are you man enough to take it?” Joe looked surprised. CHAPTER XVII: JOE STARTS IN BUSINESS “Let me see your prices,” said Morgan. “Call yourself a restaurant-keeper? Hit the bricks pal, and beat it ‘cause you are going OUT. I could breakfast cheaper at Delmonico’s.” “You fucking jag-off,” said the proprietor. “ I find people here willing to pay big prices, and I should be a fool to reduce them. I ought to charge a thousand dollars.” “Why don’t you?” asked Morgan. “Because they won’t close the deal. Money’s out there. They pick it up, it’s theirs. They don’t, I got no sympathy for them. And you know what they’ll be saying ─ a bunch of losers sittin’ around in a bar. ‘Oh yeah. I used to be a restaurant-keeper. It’s a tough racket.’ I don’t even serve them coffee. Coffee’s for closers only. Most men are not content to settle in town. They won’t be satisfied till they get to the mines.”33 That seems to be the case with you, too said Mister Morgan to a man
who was the owner of a restaurant but who wanted to flee the city for the crisper air of the great plains, which would be good for his ill lungs. Morgan said, how soon can you give possession of this business? The man answered right away, agreed to train Morgan’s young protégée Joe in the mysteries of operating a busy restaurant. Morgan said, I’ll buy you out. The two businessmen shook hands. And just like that young Joe became the proud proprietor of his own restaurant. Mister Morgan welcomed him to San Francisco’s business scene with a hearty handshake. Joe replied bewilderingly, last night I wasn’t worth one cent And now I own a five hundred dollar business. Why yes, my young friend said Morgan. I think your pluck will make sure that you succeed in this new venture. Thank you sir, said Joe, for trusting me with
this investment. I will pay you back of course, with interest, if I’m lucky to live that long. The two men chuckled. Mister Morgan said, of course, my young friend. I trust that you will. We may as well put it on a business basis.34 Papers were drawn up, and Joe found himself proprietor of the restaurant. He lost no opportunity of mastering the details of the business. He learned where his predecessor obtained his supplies, what prices he paid, about how much he required for a day’s consumption, and what was his scale of prices. “Do you live here, Mr. Brock?” asked Joe. “Yes; I have a bed, which I lay in a corner of the restaurant. Thus I avoid the expense of a room outside, and am on hand early for business.” “I’ll do the same,” said Joe promptly. “In that way you will have no personal expenses, except clothing and washing,” said Brock. “I shall be glad to have no bills to pay for board,” said Joe. “That’s rather a steep item here.” At the end of the first week he made a careful estimate of his expenses and receipts, and found, to his astonishment, that he had cleared two hundred dollars. It seemed to him almost incredible, and he went over the calculations again and again. But he could figure out no other result. “Two hundred dollars in one week!” he said to himself. “What would Oscar say to that? It seems like a fairy tale.” Joe hated George Morgan almost as much as he hated his gentlemen’s club, located next to a city bus maintenance facility. He cursed at himself and walked in from the diesel fume day into a depressing neon-lit pit where hardened women loitered half-nude on a Tuesday afternoon. George sat at the bar and counted stacks of cash. “Mr. Morgan,” Joe announced over music that pumped from the jukebox. “I have so your money.” “You’re on time,” Morgan said, “but just barely.”
Joe removed an envelope from his jacket. They both knew Joe was paying back his debt early, but before Joe could respond, two men the size of doorways flanked him. The one on his left plucked the envelope in a move surprisingly deft for someone of his bulk. Back home, Joe felt the terror and tension dissolve. He collapsed onto the broken sofa in his hallway, able to fall into a deep, restful sleep. A pounding on his door broke his peace, and Joe staggered toward the deadbolt. His landlord, a wiry man with tufts of hair sticking out from his T-shirt collar, shifted nervously. “Hey, Joe. Listen, I know rent’s not due for a couple weeks...” He took a jittery breath and invited himself in. “Look, I need to head back east. I can sell you this lot and the one next door.” Joe frowned. This was fishy. “How much?” The landlord gave Joe an absurdly low figure. “Okay. You’ve got a deal. I’ll have it for you by the end of the month.” The landlord’s eyes darted to the window, then back. “That’s not really going to work, man. Listen, I’m leaving tonight, and sort of need the cash now.” Joe cursed at himself outside George Morgan’s club for the second time. It was more crowded at night, and the patrons joined the dancers with their icy stares. Across the club, Morgan sat at a table with his goons. Joe made his way to him as quickly and casually as possible. “Mr. Morgan,” he said, “will you lend me seven hundred dollars?”35 “Are you getting into pecuniary difficulties, Joe?” asked Morgan, concerned. He paused and we watched each other. In spite of what he was doing, he looked frightened. His hands were clumsy. Major Norton said that I was too proud. I said very well sir. Yes sir. I looked at his shirt next to mine on the floor. I thought about Oscar’s stained suit. Oscar had no reason to keep it. He chose to keep it I thought just to give to Major Norton to give to me. And I turned him down because I was too proud. With or without the suit, Annie laughs. I have no choice. I thought of Annie laughing. I looked at Mr. Morgan’s face, which does not help me. He trembled and smiled. Annie’s eyes would search my face. She would smile at me but I knew what that smile was about. Annie, she was raised well; her jokes were always private. Now I’m a Californian and I take what is offered to me. Mr. Morgan is kind to me and when he lay beside me, curled on his side like a fat baby, my disgust turned to tenderness. I kept looking at the windows, the light falling on the floor. I accepted Mr. Morgan’s money and started my restaurant. I vowed to make the place attractive. There are 15 tables and 60 chairs. Royal Blue or Red table cloths? I chose both. Fresh flowers
every evening. Poppies, Baby Blue Eyes. A coat rack -- a place to hang your hat. Music. Light. Dishes, tables, floors scrubbed clean; flawless. We became the only restaurant in San Francisco to offer a five-course meal. But the food is not why people came. It was not home. My restaurant was better than a home. Here, everything stays the same. As I stand at my counter, I watch people eat. I imagine Annie. She is tastefully dressed -wearing something green with a black scarf to bring out the blonde in her hair. And at the same time, I do not want her here. I think of Annie eating a first-class dinner with Mr. Morgan lying at her feet. Mr. Morgan naked, crouching on the floor of the restaurant; no one sees him but me. He speaks Greek and Latin but no one understands him. I imagine him as Annie’s footrest. Her little heel digs into his ear. A man enters the restaurant. He is tall. He looks at me and knows I have been eying him. He is neither disgusted nor afraid. It flashed upon me that it was Henry Hogan, who had defrauded me in New York.36 The recognition was mutual. “You here?” he exclaimed, in surprise. “Who’s your boss?” “Myself.” “Well, I’ll be blowed!” ejaculated Hogan, staring stupidly at Joe. CHAPTER XVIII: MR. HOGAN’S PROPOSAL Joe enjoyed Hogan’s amazement. He felt rather proud of his rapid progress. It was not four months since, a poor, country boy, he had come up to New York, and fallen a prey to a designing sharper. Now, on the other side of the continent, he was master of a business and owner of real estate. The day has passed for such rapid progress. California is no longer a new country, and the conditions of living closely approximate those in the East. I am careful to say this because I don’t wish to mislead my young readers. Success is always attainable by pluck and persistency, but the degree is dependent on circumstances. “How have you made out?” asked Joe of his visitor. “I’ve had hard luck,” grumbled Hogan, “I went to the mines, but I wasn’t lucky.” “Was that the case with other miners?” asked Joe, who had a shrewd suspicion that Hogan’s ill luck was largely the result of his laziness and want of application. “No,” said Hogan. “Other men around me were lucky, but I wasn’t.” “Perhaps your claim was a poor one.”
“It was, as long as I had anything to do with it,” said Hogan. “I sold it out for a trifle and the next day the other man found a nugget. Wasn’t that cursed hard?” he grumbled. JoeMason @HHogan you ought to have kept on. you would’ve found the nugget HHogan @JoeMason nah… too unlucky. wldn’t have been there if i had held on. you’ve done well though. lucky sob #storyofmylife JoeMason @HHogan lol! no complaints, but tbh im not lucky 24/7. Lost all my $$$ before a friend bought this biz HHogan @JoeMason this gig payin well? JoeMason @HHogan mm… yea i’m doing well… HHogan @JoeMason how much r u pullin in /week? JoeMason @HHogan ehh… dude iuno i don’t think i should share that stuff on twitter HHogan @JoeMason DM/email me? JoeMason @HHogan nah man, no offense but that ain’t your business. gonna keep that info 2 myself HHogan @JoeMason geez, fine. thought maybe u’d at least give an old buddy some deets JoeMason LOL! srsly?!? #getaloadofthis RT @HHogan geez, fine. thought maybe u’d at least give an old buddy some deets JoeMason @HHogan old buddy? Hardly man. U did like everything u could to keep me from comin to cali. i mean srsly, “old buddy”?!? HHogan @JoeMason ugh, thats a big misunderstanding. were really not on the same page but w/e we’ll talk abt it l8r. can I scrounge some food off u? JoeMason @HHogan yeah yeah, go ahead. sit wherever, i got it JoeMason pickin up @HHogan’s tab 2nite. Not too stoked abt it tbh but ive had it well, and the dude’s gotta eat right? #dontbeahater HHogan grub @JoeMason’s place on the house! #win #earlythanksgiving HHogan unbelievable meal @JoeMason’s!! ate like a king! #foodcoma HHogan @JoeMason wow! u’ve got an amazing cook
JoeMason @HHogan yeah I hear ya, he’s quite the chef HHogan @JoeMason you say the business pays well?37 “Yes; it satisfies me.” “Are you alone? Have you no partner?” asked Hogan. “What need do I have of partners when I have a fleet of flying monkeys to serve me?” Joe replied staunchly. “Why flying monkeys may be fine for terrorizing munchkins and small girls with dogs, but what I’m talking about is far grander than that!” “Grander than forcibly ruling the Emerald City?” “Grander than holding sway over all of Munchkin Land.What I propose is bigger than even the great Oz’s head!” “Well then, spit it out, Hogan, what do you propose?” Hogan leaned toward Joe and whispered, “I propose we turn the castle into a sports bar.” “A sports bar, that’s it? I would hope you might come up with something better than that!” sneered Joe in disgust. “Imagine the possibilities,” said Hogan draping an arm over Joe’s shoulders and sweeping his other hand in a grand gesture, “Flat screens on the tower, the Tin Man and the Scarecrow tending bar, monkeys in Dallas Cowgirl outfits.” “And what about me?” They both turned toward the trembling voice of the Cowardly Lion who stood wringing his tail as he waited for Hogan’s reply. Hogan peered at the lion momentarily annoyed at the interruption, then seeing his opportunity to win an ally he replied with enthusiasm, “You will be the Mascot who bravely guards the door.” “I don’t want any partner, Mr. Hogan,” replied Joe staring unkindly at the diminutive man, “And I may as well tell you, I think your foolish for coming here.” “Foolish perhaps but I have something that may convince you otherwise.” Upon speaking Hogan grasped his trouser legs and hoisted them up to his knees. “The ruby sneakers!” Joe exclaimed, “Give them to me.” “Do you mean to insult me?” asked Hogan, scowling. “You know as well as I do that they cannot be taken off once they’re put on.”
“I mean to try!” Joe replied lunging at the intruder. Sparks flew from the sneakers. “Very well then you leave me no choice,” replied Hogan. “I will sleep here the night until we can figure out a way to get them off.” “Sleep here?” “Yes.” “I’m experiencing a rather fierce strain of resistance against the idea, Hogan.” “I say, chum. I’m skint. Why not spot me a cozy corner on your restaurant floor? A fellow’s head gets all wet if he has to lay it in the street all night.” “You had plenty of bracing sleep-outs under the starry stuff up at the mines, didn’t you?” “Yes, but that was the call of nature. It suited the manly spirit of the place.” “There’s a good man. You’ll hardly know the difference.” “That’s not very sporting of you, Mason.” Hogan cast a drippy, cow-eyed look. “It wouldn’t cost you a farthing to let me stretch out on a tile or two.” “Right you are!” said Joe. “But I would find your presence in the domicile quite superfluous.” “It’s a death sentence,” said Hogan. “Dashed unlikely.” Joe gave a decisive nod of the head. “Still, I’m not the Ritz.” “That’s deuced cold of you, old man. Where is your fellow-feeling?” “You’ve had your turn at the trough, Hogan. And a generous bit of slop it was, too. Two dollars worth at the general public’s prices. I’m bereft of all obligation to you, and, if memory serves, you still owe me fifty quid over that rummy steamship ticket you palmed off on me when I was still in short pants. I won’t let you lodge here, but if you come round in the a. of m. I’ll let you shove a bit of breakfast in the old face. That will put you in the pink for a hard day’s work. Then we’ll see what you’ve got in you.” Hogan knew that was all he was likely to get out of his old pal Joe for the nonce. He left the restaurant without so much as a by-your-leave. Joe was about to shut the door on the bounder’s retreating figure, but his keen, cat-like eyes perceived movement just beyond the stoop. It was a man, head bowed in the attitude of a tedious Greek statue that looks as though his horse took a tumble on the final stretch at Ascot and limped into ninth place.
Despite Hogan’s persecution of him, Joe found his icy heart melting at the sight of this poor blighter. “What-ho, man!” he said. “Are we suffering from some sort of pestilence?” The man raised his formerly nodding dome. He was a stout, strongly built man, roughly dressed, but had a look which inspired confidence.39 “I may as well tell you, boy,” he answered, “though you can’t help me. I’ve been a cursed fool. Yesterday I came up from the mines with two thousand dollars. I was about a year getting it together, and to me it was a fortune. I’m a shoemaker by occupation, and lived in a town in Massachusetts, where I have a wife and two young children. I left them a year ago to go to the mines. I did well, and the money I told you about would have made us all comfortable, if I could only have got it home.” “Were you robbed of it?” asked Joe, remembering his own experience. “Yes; I was robbed of it, but not in the way you are thinking of. A wily scoundrel induced me to enter a gambling-den, the Bella Union, they call it. I wouldn’t play at first, but soon the fascination seized me. I saw a man win a hundred dollars, and I thought I could do the same, so I began, and won a little. Then I lost, and played on to get my money back. In just an hour I was cleaned out of all I had. Now I am penniless, and my poor family will suffer for my folly.” He buried his face in his hands once more and, strong man as he was, he wept aloud. “Have you had any supper, sir?” said Joe compassionately. “No; but I have no appetite.” “Then I can offer you a supper and a night’s lodging. Don’t be discouraged. In the morning we can talk the matter over, and see what can be done.” The stranger rose and laid his hand on Joe’s arm. “I don’t know how it is,” he said, “but your words give me courage. I believe you have saved my life. I have a revolver left and I had a mind to blow my brains out.” “Would that have helped you or your family?” “No, boy. I was a fool to think of it. I’ll accept your offer, and tomorrow, I’ll see what I can do. You’re the best friend I’ve met since I left home.” CHAPTER XIX: UNLUCKY MINER Josie served Miner his usual, Jack Daniel’s on the rocks, as if nothing had happened, but he knew that it had.
“The fire’s gone out,” she finally admitted. “I don’t know how else to put it.” “Well, we don’t need to talk about it here,” he said. “What time does your shift end?” “It’s over,” she told him. Not knowing exactly what she meant, he offered to buy her a meal. “I don’t think I could eat anything,” she quickly insisted. But once they had gone across the street, to Alice’s Cafe, she surprised them both by wolfing down a triple decker sandwich. He saw it as a good sign. “So, what’ve you heard?” he asked. “It musta been something really bad this time.” “This time. Next time. What does it matter?” Josie asked. “You like to play. I always knew that.” “You’re wrong,” he insisted. “That was my brother -- not me. I watched him ruin his life. He was always standing in the mud, looking at the stars.” “Not always,” she told him. Suddenly infuriated, he downed his drink and threw some money on the table. “Okay,” he said. “Have it your way.” “Where are you going?” Jo asked, surprised, as Miner walked to the door.40 “Out into the street.” “But where do you mean to pass the night?” “Where a man without money must--in the street.” “He doesn’t seem much like Hogan,” thought Joe. “You are welcome to lodge here with me,” he said. “It will cost you nothing and will be more comfortable for you.” “You don’t know me, Joe,” said the miner. “How do you know but I may get up in the night and rob you?” “You could, but I don’t think you will,” said Joe. “I’m not afraid of it. You look like an honest man.” The miner looked gratified. “You shan’t repent your confidence, Joe,” he said. “I’d rather starve than rob a good friend like you. But you mustn’t trust everybody.”
“I don’t,” said Joe. “I refused a man to-night--a man named Hogan.” “What does he look like?” Joe described him. “Do you know him, then?” “Yes; he was out at our diggings. Nobody liked him, or trusted him. He was too lazy to work, but just loafed around, complaining of his luck. One night I caught him in my tent, just going to rob me. I warned him to leave the camp next day or I’d report him, and the boys would have strung him up. That’s the way they treat thieves out there.” “It doesn’t surprise me to hear it,” said Joe. “He robbed me of fifty dollars in New York.” “He did? How was that?” Joe told the story. “The mean skunk!” ejaculated Watson--for this Joe found to be the miners name. “It’s mean enough to rob a man, but to cheat a poor boy out of all he has is a good deal meaner. And yet you gave him supper?” “Yes. The man was hungry; I pitied him.” “You’re a better Christian than I am. I’d have let him go hungry.” Both Joe and the miner were weary and they soon retired, but not to ninterrupted slumber. About midnight they were disturbed, as the next chapter will show. CHAPTER XX: HOGAN MEETS A CONGENIAL SPIRIT When Hogan left Joe’s presence he was far from feeling as grateful as he ought for the kindness with which our hero had treated him. Instead of feeling thankful for the bountiful supper, he was angry because Joe had not permitted him to remain through the night. Had he obtained this favor, he would have resented the refusal to take him into partnership. There are some men who are always soliciting favors, and demanding them as a right, and Hogan was one of them. Out in the street he paused a minute, undecided where to go. He had no money, as he had truly said, or he would have been tempted to go to a gambling-house, and risk it on a chance of making more. “Curse that boy!” he muttered, as he sauntered along in the direction of Telegraph Hill. “Who’d have thought a green country clodhopper would have gone up as he has, while an experienced man of the world like me is out at the elbows and without a cent!” The more Hogan thought of this, the more indignant he became.
He thrust both hands into his pantaloons pockets, and strode moodily on. “I say it’s a cursed shame!” he muttered. “I never did have any luck, that’s a fact. Just see how luck comes to some. With only a dollar or two in his pocket, this Joe got trusted for a first-class passage out here, while I had to come in the steerage. Then, again, he meets some fool, who sets him up in business. Nobody ever offered to set me up in business!” continued Hogan, feeling aggrieved at Fortune for her partiality. “Nobody even offered to give me a start in life. I have to work hard, and that’s all the good it does.”
Follow this footnote for more information about the illustrations.41
“Are you on the square?” demanded the other suspiciously. Hogan coolly appraised his attacker. “Look at me, and see.” His voice was light, but strangely aggressive. The highwayman paused. Something felt off, but he’d take him at his word, for now. He lit a match, surveying his captive. Hogan’s expression was ghoulish in the flickering flame. His hat sat jauntily atop greasy bangs; his clothes hung in tatters. “You don’t look wealthy,” he admitted. “Well, I haven’t any money, nor anywhere to sleep.” Hogan grinned suddenly, baring his teeth. A shiver ran down the highwayman’s spine, but he feigned confidence. “You’d better leave. It’s rough in these parts.” He fingered the gun hidden in his jacket. “Wait,” Hogan said. “I’ll tell you where we can find some money.” Again, the sharp grin. A red gleam danced in his eyes. Had his teeth just grown longer? The highwayman straightened. It must be the brandy he’d drunk earlier. “OK, follow me.” Hogan trailed behind. Then—a hot breath on his neck and something clammy—a hand?—brushed his cheek. “What the--?” He whirled around. Hogan was still a few feet back, his eyes fixed on the ground. “Too much brandy,” he muttered, shaking. He led Hogan into a low shanty on Pacific Street, and, bidding him be seated on a broken settee, waited for particulars.42 “Of course we are. If we wasn’t I’d go hang myself up for a milksop. Are you sure there’s no one else with him?” “Not a soul,” Hogan said. “He’s making money hand over fist. And he’s one of those mean chaps that never spend a cent, but lay it all by. Bah!” “All the better for us,” said Jack thoughtfully. “We’ll share alike?” inquired Hogan anxiously. “Depends on how much you help about gettin’ the money,” said Jack carelessly. Hogan did not dare push the matter though he would have liked a more definite assurance. He was glad to have the Jack’s cooperation, though he was secretly of his ruffian accomplice. It was agreed to wait till midnight. Till then both men threw themselves down and slept.
They were awakened by a tall dark man who appeared near them seemingly out of nowhere. Jack stood and lit a lantern. The stranger was thin and wan and his face was contorted in tension. “Who are you?” Jack demanded, advancing with a raised fist. The stranger appeared as surprised as they were. The stranger’s shadow was long and desperate. “Father?” he stammered. With his free hand Jack grabbed the stranger by the lapels. “I said ‘Who are you?” “Georg Bendemann,” he cried. “I’m afraid I am lost. I really only wanted to tell you that I’ve now sent a report of my engagement to St. Petersburg.” He pulled the letter a little way out of his pocket and let it drop back again. “To St. Petersburg?” Jack growled. “Yes.” “Yes!” Jack yelled. “How you amused me today when you came and asked whether you should write to your friend about the engagement.” Jack nodded toward Hogan, which made the stranger’s eyes widen. “For he knows everything, you stupid boy, he knows everything! I’ve been writing to him, because he crumples up your letters unread in his left hand, while in his right hand he holds my letters up to read.” Hogan frowned in confusion. Jack swung the lantern over his head and pointed to Hogan. Shadows leapt around the room. “He knows everything a thousand times better,” he shouted and then furiously grabbed the stranger by the hair. “So now you know what there was in the world outside of yourself. Up to this point you’ve known only about yourself! Essentially you’ve been an innocent child, but even more essentially you’ve been a devilish human being! And therefore understand this: I sentence you now to death by drowning!” Jack released the stranger, who cowered against the wall. The shadows stopped leaping. A moment later the stranger straightened and dashed outside. Shortly a splash of water was heard. Hogan turned to Jack, “You – you killed him!” Suddenly Jack was above Hogan and shook him roughly. “What do you want?” Hogan screamed. “It’s time we were about our business,” Jack growled. “It’s struck twelve.” Hogan had forgotten where he was. They had been sleeping, lying in wait for Joe and his money. “All right!” responded Hogan, who began to feel nervous now that the crisis was at hand.43
“Don’t sit rubbing your eyes, man, but get up.” “Haven’t you got a drop of something to brace me up?” asked Hogan nervously. “What are you scared of, pard?” asked Rafferty contemptuously. “Nothing,” answered Hogan, “but I feel dry.” “All right. A drop of something will warm us both up.” Jack went behind the counter, and, selecting a bottle of rot-gut whisky, poured out a stiff glassful apiece. “Drink it, pard,” he said. Hogan did so, nothing loath. “That’s the right sort,” he said, smacking his lips. “It’s warming to the stomach.” So it was and a frequent indulgence in the vile liquid would probably have burned his stomach and unfitted it for service. But the momentary effect was stimulating, and inspired Hogan with a kind of Dutch courage, which raised him in the opinion of his burly confederate. “Push ahead, pard,” said he. “I’m on hand.” “That’s the way to talk,” said Rafferty approvingly. “If we’re lucky, we’ll be richer before morning.” Through the dark streets, unlighted and murky, the two confederates made their stealthy way, and in five minutes stood in front of Joe’s restaurant. CHAPTER XXII: CHECKMATED Everything looked favorable for their plans. Of course, the restaurant was perfectly dark, and the street was quite deserted. “How shall we get in?” asked Hogan of his more experienced accomplice. “No trouble--through the winder.” Rafferty had served an apprenticeship at the burglar’s trade, and was not long in opening the front window. He had no light and could not see that Joe had a companion. If he had discovered this, he would have been more cautious. “Go in and get the money,” said he to Hogan.
He thought it possible that Hogan might object, but the latter had a reason for consenting. He thought he might obtain for himself the lion’s share of the plunder, while, as to risk, there would be no one but Joe to cope with, and Hogan knew that in physical strength he must be more than a match for a boy of sixteen. “All right!” said Hogan. “You stay at the window and give the alarm if we are seen.” Rafferty was prompted by a suspicion of Hogan’s good faith in the proposal he made to him. His ready compliance lulled this suspicion, and led him to reflect that, perhaps, he could do the work better himself. “No,” said he. “I’ll go in and you keep watch at the winder.” “I’m willing to go in,” said Hogan, fearing that he would not get his fair share of the plunder. “You stay where you are, pard!” said Rafferty, in a tone of command. “I’ll manage this thing myself.” “Just as you say,” said Hogan, slightly disappointed. Rafferty clambered into the room, making as little noise as possible. He stood still a moment, to accustom his eyes to the darkness. His plan was to discover where Joe lay, wake him up, and force him, by threats of instant death as the penalty for non-compliance, to deliver up all the money he had in the restaurant. Now, it happened that Joe and his guest slept in opposite corners of the room. Rafferty discovered Joe, but was entirely ignorant of the presence of another person in the apartment. Joe waked on being rudely shaken. “Who is it?” he muttered drowsily. “Never mind who it is!” growled Jack in his ear. “It’s a man that’ll kill you if you don’t give up all the money you’ve got about you!” Joe was fully awake now, and realized the situation. He felt thankful that he was not alone, and it instantly flashed upon him that Watson had a revolver. But Watson was asleep. To obtain time to form a plan, he parleyed a little. “You want my money?” he asked, appearing to be confused. “Yes--and at once! Refuse, and I will kill you!”
I won’t pretend to deny that Joe’s heart beat a little quicker than its wont. He was thinking busily. How could he attract Watson’s attention? “It’s pretty hard, but I suppose I must,” he answered. “That’s the way to talk.” “Let me get up and I’ll get it.” Joe spoke so naturally that Rafferty suspected nothing. He permitted our hero to rise, supposing that he was going for the money he demanded. Joe knew exactly where Watson lay and went over to him. He knelt down and drew out the revolver from beneath his head, at the same time pushing him, in the hope of arousing him. The push was effectual. Watson was a man whose experience at the mines had taught him to rouse at once. He just heard Joe say: “Hush!” “What are you so long about?” demanded Rafferty suspiciously. “I’ve got a revolver,” said Joe unexpectedly; “and, if you don’t leave the room, I’ll fire!” With an oath, Rafferty, who was no coward, sprang upon Joe, and it would have gone hard with him but for Watson. The latter was now broad awake. He seized Rafferty by the collar, and, dashing him backward upon the floor, threw himself upon him. “Two can play at that game!” said he. “Light the candle, Joe.” “Help, pard!” called Rafferty. But Hogan, on whom he called, suspecting how matters stood, was in full flight. The candle was lighted, and in the struggling ruffian Joe recognized the man who, three months before, had robbed him of his little all. CHAPTER XXIII: NOT WHOLLY BLACK “I know this man, Mr. Watson,” said Joe. “Who is he?” “He is the man who robbed me of my money one night about three months ago--the one I told you of.” For the first time, Rafferty recognized Joe.
“There wasn’t enough to make a fuss about,” he said. “There was only two dollars and a half.” “It was all I had.” “Let me up!” said Rafferty, renewing his struggles. “Joe, have you got a rope?” asked Watson. “Yes.” “Bring it here, then. I can’t hold this man all night.” “What are you going to do with me?” demanded Rafferty uneasily. “Tie you hand and foot till to-morrow morning and then deliver you over to the authorities.” “No, you won’t!” He made a renewed struggle, but Watson was a man with muscles of iron, and the attempt was unsuccessful. It was not without considerable difficulty, however, that the midnight intruder was secured. When, at length, he was bound hand and foot, Watson withdrew to a little distance. Joe and he looked at Rafferty, and each felt that he had seldom seen a more brutal face. “Well,” growled Rafferty, “I hope you are satisfied?” “Not yet,” returned Watson. “When you are delivered into the hands of the authorities we shall be satisfied.” “Oh, for an hour’s freedom!” muttered Jack Rafferty, expressing his thoughts aloud. “What use would you make of it?” asked Watson, in a tone of curiosity. “I’d kill the man that led me into this trap!” Watson and Joe were surprised. “Was there such a man. Didn’t you come here alone?” “No; there was a man got me to come. Curse him, He told me I would only find the boy here!” “What has become of him?” “He ran away, I reckon, instead of standing by me.”
“Where was he?” “At the winder.” “Could it have been Hogan?” thought Joe. “I think I know the man,” said our hero. “I’ll describe the man I mean and you can tell me if it was he.” He described Hogan as well as he could. “That’s the man,” said Rafferty. “I wouldn’t peach if he hadn’t served me such a mean trick. What’s his name?” “His name is Hogan. He came over on the same steamer with me, after robbing me of fifty dollars in New York. He has been at the mines, but didn’t make out well. This very afternoon I gave him supper—all he could eat--and charged him nothing for it. He repays me by planning a robbery.” “He’s a mean skunk,” said Watson bluntly. “You’re right, stranger,” said Rafferty. “I’m a scamp myself, but I’ll be blowed if I’d turn on a man that fed me when I was hungry.” The tones were gruff but the man was evidently sincere. “You’re better than you look,” said Watson, surprised to hear such a sentiment from a man of such ruffianly appearance. Jack Rafferty laughed shortly. “I ain’t used to compliments,” he said, “and I expect I’m bad enough, but I ain’t all bad. I won’t turn on my pal, unless he does it first, and I ain’t mean enough to rob a man that’s done me a good turn.” “Stranger,” said Watson, “the boy wants me to let you go.” “Does he?” inquired Rafferty, in surprise. “Suppose we let you go--will you promise not to make another attempt upon this place?” “What do you take me for? I’m not such a mean cuss as that.” “One thing more--you won’t kill this man that brought you here?” “Not to kill him? Yes.” “Then we’ll let you go.”
Watson unloosed the bonds that confined the prisoner. Rafferty raised himself to his full height and stretched his limbs. “There--I feel better,” he said. “You tied the rope pretty tight.” “I found it necessary,” said Watson, laughing. “Now, Joe, if you will open the door, this gentleman will pass out.” Rafferty turned to Joe, as he was about to leave the restaurant. “Boy,” said he, “I won’t forget this. I ain’t much of a friend to boast of, but I’m your friend. You’ve saved me from prison, and worse, it’s likely; and, if you need help any time, send for me. If I had that money I took from you I’d pay it back.” “I don’t need it,” said Joe. “I’ve been lucky, and am doing well. I hope you’ll make up your mind to turn over a new leaf. If you do, and are ever hard up for a meal, come to me, and you shall have it without money and without price.” “Thank you, boy,” said Rafferty. “I’ll remember it.” He strode out of the restaurant, and disappeared in the darkness. The next morning, after breakfast, Watson prepared to go out in search of work. “I must begin at the bottom of the ladder once more,” he said to Joe. “What sort of work shall you try to get?” “Anything--I have no right to be particular. Anything that will pay my expenses and give me a chance to lay by something for my family at home.” “Mr. Watson,” said Joe suddenly, “I’ve been thinking of something that may suit you. Since I came to San Francisco I have never gone outside. I would like to go to the mines. Will you carry on the restaurant for me for three months, if I give you your board and half of the profits?” “Will I? I should think myself very lucky to get the chance.” “Then you shall have the chance. I’ll stay here a few days, till you get used to the business, then I’ll start.” “I was lucky to fall in with you,” said Watson. “I didn’t want to go back to the mines and tell the boys what a fool I have been. I begin to think there’s a chance for me yet.” CHAPTER XXIV: MR. BICKFORD, OF PUMPKIN HOLLOW
It may be thought that Joe was rash in deciding to leave his business in the hands of a man whose acquaintance he had made but twelve hours previous. But in the early history of California friendships ripened fast. There was more confidence between man and man, and I am assured that even now, though the State is more settled and as far advanced in civilization and refinement as any of her sister States on the Atlantic coast, the people are bound together by more friendly ties, and exhibit less of cold caution than at the East. At all events, Joe never dreamed of distrusting his new acquaintance. A common peril, successfully overcome, had doubtless something to do in strengthening the bond between them. Joe went round to his friend Mr. Morgan and announced his intention. “I don’t think you will make money by your new plan, Joe,” said Morgan. “I don’t expect to,” said Joe, “but I want to see the mines. If I don’t succeed, I can come back to my business here.” “Do you feel confidence in this man whom you are leaving in charge?” “Yes, sir. He has been unlucky, but I am sure he is honest.” “He will have considerable money belonging to you by the time you return--that is, if you stay any length of time.” “I want to speak to you about that, Mr. Morgan. I have directed him to make a statement to you once a month, and put in your hands what money comes to me--if it won’t trouble you too much. If you meet with any good investment for the money while I am away, I should like to have you act for me as you would for yourself.” “All right, Joe.” Joe learned from Watson that the latter had been mining on the Yuba River, not far from the town of Marysville. He decided to go there, although he might have found mines nearer the city. The next question was, How should he get there, and should he go alone? About this time a long, lank Yankee walked into the restaurant, one day, and, seating himself at a table, began to inspect the bill of fare which Joe used to write up every morning. He looked disappointed. “I say, this is a queer country. I’ve been hankerin’ arter a good dish of baked beans for a week, and ain’t found any.” “We sometimes have them,” said Joe. “Come here at one o’clock, and you shall be accommodated.” The stranger brightened up. “That’s the talk,” said he. “I’ll come.” “Have you just come out here?” asked Joe curiously.
“A week ago.” “Are you a Southerner?” asked Joe demurely. “No, I guess not!” said the Yankee, with emphasis. “I was raised in Pumpkin Hollow, State of Maine. I was twenty-one last first of April, but I ain’t no April fool, I tell you. Dad and me carried on the farm till I, began to hear tell of Californy. I’d got about three hundred dollars saved up and I took it to come out here.” “I suppose you’ve come out to make your fortune?” grumbled Jo, lying on the rug. Nobody spoke for a minute; then Meg said in an altered tone, “You know Marmee said it is going to be a hard winter for everyone; and she thinks we ought not to spend money for pleasure, when our men are suffering so in the army. We can’t do much, but we can make our little sacrifices, and ought to do it gladly. But I am afraid I don’t,” and Meg shook her head, as she thought regretfully of all the pretty things she wanted. “I’ve succeeded in spendin’ all my money, except fifty dollars,” said the gentleman, ignoring the scandalized looks of the March sisters. “I say, it costs a sight to eat and drink out here. I can’t afford to take but one meal a day, and then I eat like all possessed.” “I should think you would, Mr.-------” Added little Amy, with an injured sniff. “Joshua Bickford--that’s my name when I’m to hum.” “Well, Mr. Bickford, what are your plans?” said Beth, with a little sigh, which no one heard but the hearth brush and kettle-holder. “I want to go out to the mines and dig gold,” interrupted Jo. “Really,” said Meg, beginning to lecture in her elder-sisterly fashion. “You are old enough to leave off boyish tricks, and to behave better, Josephine. It didn’t matter so much when you were a little girl, but now you are so tall, and turn up your hair, you should remember that you are a young lady.”. “I guess I can dig as well as anybody!” cried Jo, pulling off her net, and shaking down a chestnut mane. “I’ve had experience in diggin’ ever since I was ten year old.” “Not digging gold, I suppose?” Mr. Bickford bowed. “Diggin’ potatoes, and sich.” And Jo shook the blue army sock till the needles rattled like castanets, and her ball bounded across the room. “I’m going to the mines myself, Miss March. What do you say to going along with me?”
“I’m on hand. You know the way, don’t you?” “We can find it, I have no doubt.” “My patience!” exclaimed Marmee from the depths of the rocking chair. ”Whatever would I do if my girls were wild boys like Mr. Bickford?” Jo immediately sat up, put her hands in her pockets, and began to whistle. ”I know what I’d do. I’d go home and marry Sukey Smith, by gosh!”44 “Then I hope you’ll get the money, for Miss Smith’s sake.” [Bickford’s Song] There’s a man I’ve seen about the place Slick-haired, has a Grocer’s face Earns enough to buy her all the lace Her heart could fancy. If I had an easy grand or so I could buy a house on fancy row Sukey wouldn’t think herself brought low To marry a Bickford, Joe, you’re only barely sweet sixteen Yet you’re richer than a king or queen You’ve luck and friends more than I’ve ever seen In Pumpkin Hollow. “Well, I guess Californy’s the place to make money. I ain’t made any yet, but I mean to. There wasn’t no chance to get ahead in Pumpkin Hollow. I was workin’ for eight dollars a month and board.”45 “It would be a great while before you could save up the money that you’d need to have to buy a farm from that, Mister Bickford.” “That’s so, but I could try real hard to save.” “Like you, I have experienced the farm, I worked on one before coming out here.” “Sho did?” ”Was bound out for living to farm – the clothes were few and poor, but board was fair. I didn’t get as much money as you.” “Don’t say! You were a farm-hand once before?” “Let’s hope, like mine, your luck will stay good too.” Now Joshua, so curious for more, asked quietly, “How much are you worth now?”
“In dollars, I expect about two thou’.”
”I never! Sho! How long have you been here?” “Three months I think, will be on this Friday.” “Je-rusalem! That’s a good length to stay.” “I think it is.” Bickford, finished, inquired in an anxious tone, just shy of showing fear, “What then do I owe?” Smiling, Joe did say, “My traveling companion need not pay.” “A Gent! By gosh!” Bickford’s delight was clear. “Come in at one o’clock and have your favorite beans as well. Tomorrow can you start towards the mines?” ”Yes, I have nothing to prepare.” ”Eat here until we go and waive your fee to me.” ”Thank you! Such luck!” “Your part is be my guest,” said Joe, “and eat all you want to.” 46 It may be remarked that Mr. Bickford availed himself of our young hero’s invitation, and during the next twenty-four hours stowed away enough provisions to last an ordinary man for half a week. CHAPTER XXV THE MAN FROM PIKE COUNTY Joe and Mr. Bickford, riding on horses Trotting slow down the road, just like tourists Rolling on a mustang, not with a V-6 Hundred miles from San Fran, 600 more to Phoenix “I don’t want to camp. It’s too cold for that.” “Well, there ain’t a hotel on my horse’s back.” “I wish I’s back in Pumpkin Hollow for a second. How much farther to the mines, ya’ll reckon?” “It’s about four days till we reach the Yuba River.” Bick’s horse stops, He calls it a pesky critter With a flick of the wrist, Bick hits with a whip The horse throws Bick back, have a nice trip Bick falls toward the ground at a faster rate As he lands, “By gosh,” he ejaculates He somersaults and hits the ground bouncing Joe jokes, “You shoulda said we were dismounting.”
“Because I didn’t know it myself,” said Joshua, rising and rubbing his jarred frame.47 The mustang did not offer to run away, but stood calmly surveying him as if it had had nothing to do with his rider’s sudden dismounting. For years afterwards, we would ask the mustang what had happened, what he had been thinking? We were amazed at him, his inscrutable audacity, standing there, blinking his wet dull eyes at Joshua. Were you angry, we would ask. Was Joshua cruel to you? Were you unhappy about your gait? Did you prefer to trot instead? Canter? Amble? Pace? Tölt? We would ask, showing off words that we had learned. But even we were barely convinced by our theories. We would fall into silence, darkly dreaming of motive. You were tired, one would offer. You were thirsty, another would contradict. Then a chorus would erupt in a cavalcade of mania and hay: You were confused; your brain had switched off for a minute there; you suddenly became cripplingly aware of the weight of your tongue; your marrow staged a temporary coup against you; you thought you saw someone you knew but it was just someone who looked like them; there was a thorn in your hoof (unaware a horse is not a lion.); the sun was in your eyes. Eventually, we would grow tired from shouting. Still eating the maize from his bucket, mouth wide open, a web of spittle in the corner of his muzzle, the mustang would look at us stowaways in his stable. Caught naked by the gaze of an animal, we had no idea what looked back at us. And we would dream what Joe had said to Joshua that same afternoon, both men lying apart on the grass. Some of us dream of it still. Let us tell it, those of us plead, our hands enfolded in yours. We know it so well, Joe turning to Joshua and saying: “Probably Eve was not as robust as you are. I doubt if she were as tall, either. But as to loneliness, it is better to be lonely than to have some company.”48 “There ain’t no suspicious characters round, are there?” inquired Joshua anxiously. “We are liable to meet them—men who have been unsuccessful as mimes and who have become desperate in consequence. They see black and white and are perpetually trapped. They come out here to pray upon others, but they won’t press palms with us.” “Do you think we’ll meet the Critics?” asked Joshua. “They wouldn’t attack us,” said Pruneface. “We haven’t anything shiny to pawn.” “If I cared about profits,” said Josh, “I wouldn’t have gone to the mimes.”
“You’ll fit right in. Lend me a few dollars.” “You have your animus. You can sell him for something, said Josh” “If he agrees to carry my sofa,” said Prune, gazing doubtfully at the muse, who was evidently enjoying improv evenings past. “Oh, a heart-healthy meal will make him good-natured with boys and men; archetypes are not any different than dandies,” said Shoo. “An old man with a beer belly makes better sauces and kindling wood. When he’s good-natured, he’ll carry your gear.” “I see you understand human nature, Shoo,” said Plum. “Unfortunately I do,” said Josh. “Marcel Marceau, who’s that? I see you brought your inner child.” Joe raised his headlamp and saw riding toward them a man who might have sat in his own spandex for many miles. He wore a polka dot jersey, socks of the finest wool, a hard nutcase, had a David Bowie song stuck in his head, and held a tire pump he swung rather ostentatiously. He had a fierce mustache. His legs were silky, his knuckles scraped and his fingernails polished. “Does he have road rash?” asked Joshua uneasily. “Even if he does,” said Plum, “we two are one. I dare say he’s all right. Keep your weapon ready.” Though Shoo was but a boy and Pruneface a full-grown queen, from the outset he had assumed command of the party. His older companion followed like a dog that has been debarked. Joe’s ham was fully cooked by the time the old prune was cocked. The explanation is that Joe had a mind of his own, and decided promptly what was best to be done, while his long-limbed associate was duller witted and undecided.49 Joe and Joshua maintained their sitting position till the stranger was within a rod or two, when he hailed them. “Uh huh, bitches, that’s right. De’Andre is in the hiz-ouse and you know this competition is mine! Now who are you supposed to be?,” he asked, with a toss of expensive hair extensions. “Oh no he di’ent,” said a smiling Joshua to Joe, reassured by his words. So they were in the right place. This was the meeting place for those who hoped to become America’s first Top Tranny. ”I’m Joshua, but they call me Jo-schway. This is Jo-Jo. I don’t know where you came from, but I don’t think those 80’s leggings will take you very far.” “Girl, you KNOW I make these leggings look good. Now let me guess,” asked the newcomer
with a sniff, “Miss New York?” “You got that right,” answered Jo-schway, extending a pointed toe to show his custom size 14 Manolo’s to best advantage. He ran manicured fingers through his carefully tousled curls before asking coyly, ”Now where might you hail from?” “I’m Miss Pike County, Missouri,” was the answer. ”You’ve heard of Pike, of course?” “I don’t know as I have,” said Jo-Jo, barely concealing a chuckle. The stranger frowned. ”Baby, the hottest Trannys come from Pike. I can out-walk any bitch on a runway and I can work any look there is. I can take down any man as a woman, and still take the breath out of any woman as a man. Now you heard ME!” “You bett’a WORK!!” said Jo-schway, considerably impressed. “Well, Miss DeAndre of Pike County, you want to wait with us until the others arrive?” said JoJo politely. “I suppose.” said the Pike Princess smiling slyly, allowing his oversized designer satchel to fall dramatically from his shoulder. He rifled through it and frowned before asking, “You don’t have a little vial of Botox, do you? We could all use a pick-me-up, ne c’est pas?” “No,” said Jo-Jo. The newcomer looked disappointed. “Oh, I look like a shar-pei! It’s not easy for a girl to look good all the time. Well at least when a Tranny ages, she can fall back on her handsome, older gentleman look. “Its all well enough to be a gentleman if you’ve got money to fall back on,” remarked Joshua sensibly.50 “Is that personal?” demanded the Pike County man, frowning and half rising. “It’s personal to me,” said Joshua quietly. “I accept the apology,” said the newcomer, sinking back upon the turf. “I hain’t apologized, as I’m aware,” said Joshua, who was no craven. “You’d better not rile me, stranger,” said the Pike man fiercely. “You don’t know me, you don’t. I’m a rip-tail roarer, I am. I always kill a man who insults me.” “So do we,” said Joe quietly. The Pike County man looked at Joe in some surprise. He had expected to frighten the boy with his bluster, but it didn’t seem to produce the effect intended.
CHAPTER XXVI: A DESPERADO Mr. Bickford also seemed a little surprised at Joe’s coolness. Though not a coward in the face of danger, he had been somewhat impressed by the fierce aspect of the man from Pike County, and really looked upon him as a reckless daredevil who was afraid of nothing. Joe judged him more truly. He decided that a man who boasted so loudly was a sham. If he had talked less, he would have feared him more. After his last bloodthirsty declaration the man from Pike County temporarily subsided. He drew out from his pocket a greasy pack of cards, and after skillfully shuffling them inquired: “What do you say, strangers, to a little game to pass away the time?” “I never played keards in my life,” said Joshua Bickford. “Where was you raised?” demanded the Pike man contemptuously. “Pumpkin Hollow, State o’ Maine,” said Joshua. “Dad’s an orthodox deacon. He never let any of us play keards. I don’t know one from t’other.” “I’ll learn you,” said the Pike man condescendingly. “Suppose we have a game of poker?” “Ain’t that a gambling’ game?” inquired Joshua. “ARRGH real men gotta play fer somethin’,” the irate pirate scowled at Joe. “Ya can’t git somethin’, ya know, fer nothin’!” “Pull up a stool and ‘ave a go?” “Ehhh, I don’t want to play for money,” said Joe, still smirking like a bunny. The “expert” gambler’s mug scrunched up, Repeating words into his cup, as was his wont, on “dern foolishness!” His clear objective so easily foiled; His mangy snout so brightly boiled. “Perhaps dear Joshua finds foolishness. intriguing,” said Joe, carrot aloft. The pirate parroted words gone soft. “You name the move and I will bust it,” said Josh, “sans coal though, get my gist?” The pirate stowed his cards, disgusted. “Yar freakin’ scientologists.” “Empiricists are not space cases,” said Joe, “Our sleeves might still hold aces.”
“Did ya know that I’m from Pirate Bay, Why wildcats I can whip all day!” “You told us that before,” said Josh, “And very nearly sent us abed.” Then with a frown the Pirate said, “And derned if I don’t mean it. Gosh!” “I’ve done punched b’ars until they screamed.” “Perhaps,” said Josh, “you only dreamed.” Joe, who was satisfied that the fellow was romancing, did not exhibit any interest.51 “What did I do?” Echoed the Pike County man fiercely. “Well, for Chrissake, I shot him through the heart.” Joe laughed, and Joshua went off to release his bowels for the fourth time that very day. “BS,” Joe said. “He’s got IBS?!” the stranger hissed. “Mayhap, but what I was going for is that your tale is BS, pard.” “OK, OK, so there’s more to the story,” the man whispered. “Maybe we had something going on, you know? But his passion was like a freaking prison—so I shot him through the damn heart. He’s the one to blame for the stinking mess.” Joshua returned from behind a ridge. “What’d I miss?” he asked. “This pard’s tall tales,” Joe grunted. The man stomped. “Fine, if you gotta have it, have the truth, dammit!” They stared. “Well. OK. I shot a guy in the territory of Nevada. Ever heard of it? Probably not, knowing you fools. Cold-blooded as I am, I did it to watch him die and all.” Joe snickered. “Try again, pard,” he said, while Joshua guffawed and retreated to release his bowels. “Fine!” he screamed. “Here it is: I killed an Algerian on a beach after a messy relationship thing.” Our hero shook his head. “Pard …”
“See how the real deal tastes, then!” the man roared. “Probably bitter, so I was trying to sugarcoat it for you. What happened was some rich ragamuffin ran over my damn wife so I blew him away as he floated in his swamming pool in West Egg!” “Swamming pool?” “Whatever!” “You did no such thing, pard,” Joe said, putting his arm on his shoulder. “But that’s OK.” The man hugged himself to Joe, and wept into his shirt. “I’ve never killed a man,” he moaned. “But I’ve hurt a lot of people with my stories.” Joe stroked his hair. “I feel like a monster reincarnation of myself,” he continued. “A man on the move, and just sick enough to be totally confident.” He straightened up and wiped his eyes as Joshua returned from his bowel movement ridge. “Hope ya had a good stool, ragamuffin,” the stranger spit. “Hope it passed through ya well—for the sixth time today.” Joe sighed—people didn’t change; like Joshua’s stools, they just kept on and on and on. “Look here, my friend,” said Joshua, “ain’t you rather cantankerous?”52 “What’s that?” demanded the other suspiciously. “No offense,” said Joshua, “but you take a feller up so we don’t know exactly how to talk to you.” “I take no insults,” said the Pike man. “Insults must be washed out in blood.” “Soap-suds is better than blood for washin’ purposes,” said Joshua practically. “Seems to me you’re spoilin’ for a fight all the time.” “I allow I am,” said the Pike man, who regarded this as a compliment. “I was brought up on fightin’. When I was a boy I could whip any boy in school.” “That’s why they called you a rip-tail roarer, I guess,” said Joshua. “You’re right, stranger,” said the Pike man complacently. “What did you do when the teacher give you a lickin’?” asked Mr. Bickford.
“What did I do?” yelled the Pike County man, with a demoniac frown. “Exactly so.” “I shot him!” said the Pike man briefly. “Sho! How many teachers did you shoot when you was a boy?” “Only one. The rest heard of it and never dared touch me.” “They didn’t manage that way at Pumpkin Hollow,” said Mr. Bickford. “Boys ain’t quite so handy with shootin’-irons. When the master flogged us we had to stand it.” “Were you afraid of him?” asked the Pike man disdainfully. “Well, I was,” Joshua admitted. “He was a big man with arms just like flails, and the way he used to pound us was a caution.” “I’d have shot him in his tracks,” said the Pike man fiercely. “You’d have got a wallopin’ fust, I reckon,” said Joshua.
Follow this footnote to find out more about the creator of these video game stills.53
“Here’s a good place to camp,” suggested the man from Pike County, pointing to a small grove of trees to the right. “Very well; let us dismount,” said Joe. “I think we can pass the night comfortably.” They dismounted, and tied their beasts together under one of the trees. They then threw themselves down on a patch of greensward near-by. “I’m gettin’ hungry,” said Joshua. “Ain’t you, Joe?” “Yes, Mr. Bickford. We may as well take supper.” Mr. Bickford produced a supper of cold, meat and bread, and placed it between Joe and himself. “Won’t you share our supper?” said Joe to their companion. “Thank ye, stranger, I don’t mind if I do,” answered the Pike man, with considerable alacrity. “My fodder give out this mornin’, and I hain’t found any place to stock up.” He displayed such an appetite that Mr. Bickford regarded him with anxiety. They had no more than sufficient for themselves, and the prospect of such a boarder was truly alarming. “You have a healthy appetite, my friend,” he said. “I generally have,” said the Pike man. “You’d orter have some whisky, strangers, to wash it down with.” “I’d rather have a good cup of coffee sweetened with ‘lasses, sech as marm makes to hum,” remarked Mr. Bickford. “Coffee is for children, whisky for strong men,” said the Roarer. “I prefer the coffee,” said Joe. “Are you temperance fellers?” inquired the Pike man contemptuously. “I am,” said Joe. “And I, too,” said Joshua. “Bah!” said the other disdainfully; “I’d as soon drink skim-milk. Good whisky or brandy for me.” “I wish we was to your restaurant, Joe,” said Joshua. “I kinder hanker after some good baked beans. Baked beans and brown bread are scrumptious. Ever eat ‘em, stranger?”
“No,” said the Pike man; “none of your Yankee truck for me.” Bachman slugged his Busch and pushed his glasses up his nose. He didn’t take kindly to anyone who got sarcastic about us Mainers. “What is it you like?” “Anything bloody, four-eyes. “ The man spit. “Well,” said Joshua, “I go for chowdah and pie. Ever eat Bangor blueberry pie?” “Hell no.” The man snickered. We gathered around. Somewhere East a hot rod burned rubber down. Probably the bullies from Castle Rock who’d found Ray Brower face down, knocked right out of his sneakers. The man said, “Lot of queer shit going down with you Mainers.” Behind his back, I saw Bachman wrap his hand around an ax. “Like what went down with me and Paul Sheldon.” Sheldon, Bachman’s brother, disappeared again last year after he’d been kidnapped a while back by a crazy fan. “You know something about it?” Spewed Gordie. “Paul and I were thick as thieves. One day we was in Derry hunting when a deer started up fifty yards ahead. We both raised our guns and shot before we realized it was no deer. I still never seen anything like it. Part man, part animal. Black eyes. Whatever it was, there was only one bullet in him, and I knew it was mine.” “How did you know it?” Bachman asked, his voice shaky with rage. “I just did.” He sneered. ‘But Paul said it was his.’ ‘Don’t you think I know my own bullet?’ I asked him. ‘No, I don’t,’ he said. ‘Don’t talk that way.’ I warned him. It’s dangerous.’ ‘Do you think I’m afraid of you?’ he said, turning on me. So, I said “ Don’t provoke me. I can whip my weight in grizzlies.’ ‘But he kept at it. That was too much for me to stand. I’m the Rip-tail Roarer from Pike County, and no man can insult me
and live.’ ‘Paul,’ I said, ‘we might be cousins, but you’ve insulted me, and it must be washed out in blood.’ ‘Paul turned to say something smart and I saw that his eyes were the same black of the thing I’d just shot.’ The color had drained from the man’s face. Then I shot him through the head.” At this, Bachman who’d been standing behind the Pike man brought the Ax down on his skull cleanly splitting it in two like a ripe melon. The rest of is circled him and began to pull him apart. Changing, our eyes as black as the surrounding night. “Sho!” said Joshua.54 “I was sorry to do it, for he was my friend,” said the Pike County man, “but he disputed my word, and the man that does that may as well make his will if he’s got any property to leave.” He sat back and sipped his hot chocolate, tapped his fingers on the table near his cell phone and then directed his attention back toward me and Joey. Joey was sleepy-eyed, like he didn’t even care about this man’s story. But I was more suspicious. This guy was full of crap and I was going to call him out on it. “I’ve watched enough ‘Snapped’ and “Dateline’ to know you don’t just get off like that,” I said. “ So his family didn’t just come after you for murder?” What a bunch of garbage. “Probably it is because of my intimidating awesomeness,” said Mr. Pike County. “I am so awesome no one would dare insult me and not get what they deserve.” “O Rly? So you just left him there like that? That’s a cruel thing to do.” Pike County spoke again.”No, see, here’s the thing. Since I was training for my marathon, I just jogged to Jack’s brother’s apartment and gave him a map I designed. He took care of the body after that.” “And the tree you saved?” “What tree?” “The one you were protecting from being murderized by your amigo, duhhhh!” “Yea…uh…fail. I just let Jack’s brother cut it down afterall, it wasn’t worth it anymore.” “What the heck? After everything that happened? You’re a D-bag.”
“Yea, I disagree. What you’re really thinking is, how could I do something so awesome? I could never do anything that was mean.” Mr. Blickford leaned forward and finally spoke. “Let me tell you what’s really happening,” Mr. Blickford said. “This reminds me of another story. See the problem is, everyone thinks they have the answers and they don’t have the answers. It’s just like the damn unions, they just want, want, want and then when the companies can’t give anymore, they threaten to strike because they’re being treated unfairly. It is ridiculous. You’re just like my chunk-a-saurus cousin. Man, he would go on and on about the smallest contributions he made to our family over the summer, but that boy didn’t work a minute in his life. Then he thinks he should be fed more than the rest of us, what a heifer, that jerkface could eat. Now, that ain’t fair, no ways--think it is, stranger?”55 “No! Go ahead with your story.” Joshua’s mind flashed back to the past, to that sun-ripened day when he and Bill had come in from the fields to find two apple dumplings cooling on the sideboard. Dinner first, his mother had insisted in reply to their mock-grieved entreaties. As they wolfed down stewed beef and potatoes, the cousins grinned, daring each other to steal a bite of dessert. But neither of them dared to defy his mother. Wiping his plate clean with a crust of bread, Joshua had noticed a dirty smudge on his wrist. He went to the washstand, scrubbed off the offending dirt, and then carried the basin to the back steps. He flung the clouded water out and it landed in the dusty yard with a slapping sound. Turning, he gazed through the screen door at Bill’s back. His coarse older cousin had put away his plate and was devouring both dumplings with animalistic fervor. “What did you say?” inquired the gentleman from Pike. In the present, Joshua was startled to realize that he had involuntarily made some sound, so lost was he in his reminiscence. He shook his head and smiled, the smile of a halfwit, unsure what to say next. Beside the screen door had leaned their two scythes, furred with chaff from the harvest. As Joshua stood, unmanned, robbed of his dumpling, he had such a vivid image of the scythe cutting Bill’s head from his shoulders that he had had to clutch the door handle to stay his trembling hand. “I said, ‘Bill, you’re my cousin, but you’ve gone too far,’“ whispered Joshua intently. “And when we went back into the field to mow, I came up behind him and cut his head off with my scythe.” Joe laughed uneasily, but Joshua’s face was so drawn and pale that it seemed as though he himself believed the lie. “Why, that was butchery!” exclaimed the Pike man. “Cut off his head with a scythe?”
“He ate my dumpling,” whispered Joshua, trembling. “Don’t you see? The offense could not stand. Cousin or no—I had to do it. Don’t you see?” Joe slapped his thighs and stood up, hoping to break the strange spell into which the conversation had fallen. “Why, look at the time!” he declared. But the Pike County man was not so easily swayed. He seemed fascinated to have found himself in the presence of a flesh-and-blood villain. “Did you ever kill anybody else?” he asked Joshua Bickford eagerly. “No,” said Mr. Bickford. “I shot one man in the leg and another in the arm, but that warn’t anything serious.”56 The Pike County man was the first to fall asleep. Joe and Mr. Bickford lay about a rod distant from him trying to find a good WiFi network on their laptops. When their new comrade’s regular breathing, assured Joe that he was asleep, they both logged on and met at Mr. Bickford’s Twitter page. MR BICKFORD Name: Joshua Bickford Location: Pumpkin Hollow Bio: I was 21 last of April, but I ain’t no April fool. Dad and me carried on the farm until I began to hear of Californy. I want to go out in the mines and dig gold. @Joe’s_Luck What do you make of this clown, Bick? 11:05 p.m. via TweetDeck LIAR, AFAIC 11:06 p.m. via TweetDeck @Joe’s_Luck You believe those stories? 11:07 p.m. via TweetDeck AIAMU 11:09 p.m. via TweetDeck @Joe’s_Luck Yeah, like your Cousin Bill story. By the way, I hate it when you use acronyms, aight. Have to keep looking them up. 11:11 p.m. via TweetDeck
Sorry. Don’t want Pike doing all the lyin. Want to give him some back. Checking my fantasy team. Working trade for Honus Wagner. 11:15 p.m. via TweetDeck @Joe’s_Luck you a deacon’s son tweeting this way. You seen the The Squaw Man redband movie trailer yet? Love a western and anything by DeMille. 11:17 p.m. via TweetDeck Dad don’t tweet. And Cousin Bill is only on Facebook. Link to The Squaw Man???? 11:19 p.m. via TweetDeck @Joe’s_Luck So you have a Cousin Bill :) ... I’ll friend him. 11:22 p.m. via TweetDeck Helped me and Dad at the farm. Designed the web page. Just sent you link. 11:25 p.m. via TweetDeck @Joe’s_Luck So he still has his head???? 11:27 p.m. via TweetDeck Pretty sure. Got a text from him yesterday. Just got Wagner. YES! YES! Can you say champion? 11:35 p.m. via TweetDeck @Joe’s_Luck Truth: HONUS = BUM. Doubt our friend from Pike Co. could even find truth in a Yahoo search. 11:38p.m. via TweetDeck He’d give James Frey a run for his money 11:42 p.m. via TweetDeck @Joe’s_Luck Yeah. Tells the truth like Jason Blair. Manly like Screech. 11:44 p.m. via TweetDeck Coward huh?? 11:45 p.m. via TweetDeck @Joe’s_Luck Lets test Pike Co. Been on Wikipedia reading about Indians. Got the test. 11:47 p.m. via TweetDeck Indians ... How will you do it? 11:50 p.m. via TweetDeck57 “One day an old hunter came into my restaurant, and kept coming for a week. He could whoop like an Indian warrior and could scare the bejesus out of a fella. I learnt to do it pretty dang well myself. Folks started calling me Injun Joe.”
“What’s your plan?” Huck Bickford asked. “We’ll hide his gun, then you shoot off your pistol, and I’ll start a yipping like I’m after his scalp, and we’ll see how brave this man from Calaveras Country really is.” “I’m in, and I’ll do some of that screeching myself.” Huck grinned in anticipation. Joe tiptoed to their sleeping victim and gently slid the pistol from the holster by his head then backed away until he was beside his friend. They hunkered down behind a nearby boulder. Huck pointed his revolver into the air and fired. The deafening sound ricocheted around them and the nearby mountains, then Joe began to whoop like a coyote with his tail afire. The Calaveras man jolted upright and looked around wildly, his face glowing white in the moonlight. Huck joined in the frightful yipping until they sounded like two coyotes with their tails afire and the devil right behind them with a torch and a scalping knife. With a shriek almost as frightening, their victim jumped to his feet then ran to his horse and jumped on its back. He pointed his nag away from the camp and pounded leather away from them without looking back. When he was out of hearing Joe and Bickford shouted with laughter.58 “You see I was right,” said Joe. “The man’s a coward.” “He seemed in a hurry to get away,” said Joshua dryly. “He’s the biggest humbug out.” “I thought so as soon as he began to brag so much.” “I believed his yarns at first,” admitted Joshua. “I thought he was a dangerous fellow to travel with.” “He looked like a desperado, certainly,” said Joe, “but appearances are deceitful. It’s all swagger and no real courage.” “Well, what shall we do now, Joe?” “Lie down again and go to sleep.” “The man’s gone off without his revolver.”
“He’ll be back for it within a day or two. We shall be sure to fall in with him again. I shan’t lose my sleep worrying about him.” The two threw themselves once more on the ground, and were soon fast asleep. Joe proved to be correct in his prediction concerning the reappearance of their terrified companion. The next morning, when they were sitting at breakfast--that is, sitting under a tree with their repast spread out on a paper between them--the man from Pike County rode up. He looked haggard, as well he might, not having ventured to sleep for fear of the Indians, and his horse seemed weary and dragged out. “Where have you been?” asked Mr. Bickford innocently. “Chasin’ the Indians,” said the Rip-tail Roarer, swinging himself from his saddle. “Sho! Be there any Indians about here?” “Didn’t you hear them last night?” inquired the man from Pike. “No.” “Nor you?” turning to Joe. “I heard nothing of any Indians,” replied Joe truthfully. “Then all I can say is, strangers, that you sleep uncommon sound.” “I do, except for my sleep apnea,” said Bickford. “What about them fairy godmothers? Any of them around?” “I think so,” said the Pike, “but it was dark. Maybe midnight. There were pumpkins and mice. Their squeaking woke me up. I saw a glass slipper, and in the canyon, a man’s voice echoed ‘‘ella, ‘ella. Eh, eh, eh.’” “Do you think he was singing the ‘Umbrella’ song?” “‘Umbrella!’” the Pike, incredulous at the suggestion, spat out. “No, he was calling for Cinderella. The Rip-tail Roarer of Rihanna knows all of her lyrics. I can whip my weight in karaoke-ing Rihanna—” “Yes, we know you can,” interrupted Joshua. “You demonstrated it to us yesterday and the day before and last Tuesday at happy hour.”
The Pike rolled his eyes at Joshua, who only mastered the lyrics to “Love Shack” and ABBA, but Mr. Bickford appeared to credit this statement. The Pike resumed his story. “Anyway, I hopped on my scooter and gave them chase.” “Did they see you?” “They did.” “Why aren’t you dead then?” “Why?” repeated the Pike. “I’m the Rip-tail Roarer of Rihanna. They knew they were no contest against my skillz.” “Fo sho!” “Kill any of them?” asked Joe. “No, I left my tuner back here, so I couldn’t properly warm up to actually start anything.” “It’s right there,” said Joshua, who put it back next to the Pike’s pillow because his own tuner had no batteries. The Pike took it and played a note, which he then sang a little sharply. “Then they’re not going to make it to semifinals?” “No, but I drove them away. They won’t trouble you any more.”59 “That’s a comfort,” said Joshua. “Now, strangers, if you’ve got any breakfast to spare, I think I could eat some.” “Set up, old man,” said Mr. Bickford, with his mouth full. The man from Pike did full justice to the meal. Then he asked his two companions, as a favor, not to start for two hours, during which he lay down and rested. The three kept together that day, but did not accomplish as much distance as usual, chiefly because of the condition of their companion’s horse. At night they camped out again. In the morning an unpleasant surprise awaited them. Their companion had disappeared, taking with him Joshua’s horse and leaving instead his own sorry nag. That was not all. He had carried off their bag of provisions, and morning found them destitute of food, with a hearty appetite and many miles away, as they judged, from any settlement.
“The mean skunk!” said Joshua. “He’s cleaned us out. What shall we do?” “I don’t know,” said Joe seriously. CHAPTER XXIX: JOHN CHINAMAN The two friends felt themselves to be in a serious strait. The exchange of horses was annoying, but it would only lengthen their journey a little. The loss of their whole stock of provisions could not so readily be made up. “I feel holler,” said Joshua. “I never could do much before breakfast. I wish I’d eat more supper. I would have done it, only I was afraid, by the way that skunk pitched into ‘em, we wouldn’t have enough to last.” “You only saved them for him, it seems,” said Joe. “He has certainly made a poor return for our kindness.” “If I could only wring his neck, I wouldn’t feel quite so hungry,” said Joshua. “Or cut his head off with a scythe,” suggested Joe, smiling faintly. “Danged if I wouldn’t do it,” said Mr. Bickford, hunger making him bloodthirsty. “We may overtake him, Mr. Bickford.” “You may, Joe, but I can’t. He’s left me his horse, which is clean tuckered out, and never was any great shakes to begin with. I don’t believe I can get ten miles out of him from now till sunset.” “We must keep together, no matter how slow we go. It won’t do for us to be parted.” “We shall starve together likely enough,” said Joshua mournfully. “I’ve heard that the French eat horse-flesh. If it comes to the worst, we can kill your horse and try a horse-steak.” “It’s all he’s fit for, and he ain’t fit for that. We’ll move on for a couple of hours and see if somethin’ won’t turn up. I tell you, Joe, I’d give all the money I’ve got for some of marm’s johnny-cakes. It makes me feel hungrier whenever I think of ‘em.” “I sympathize with you, Joshua,” said Joe. “We may as well be movin’ on, as you suggest. We may come to some cabin, or party of travelers.”
So they mounted their beasts and started. Joe went ahead, for his animal was much better than the sorry nag which Mr. Bickford bestrode. The latter walked along with an air of dejection, as if life were a burden to him. “If I had this critter at home, Joe, I’ll tell you what I’d do with him,” said Mr. Bickford, after a pause. “Well, what would you do with him?” “I’d sell him to a sexton. He’d be a first-class animal to go to funerals. No danger of his runnin’ away with the hearse.” “You are not so hungry but you can joke, Joshua.” “It’s no joke,” returned Mr. Bickford. “If we don’t raise a supply of provisions soon, I shall have to attend my own funeral. My mind keeps running on them johnny-cakes.” They rode on rather soberly, for the exercise and the fresh morning air increased their appetites, which were keen when they started. Mr. Bickford no longer felt like joking, and Joe at every step looked anxiously around him, in the hope of espying relief. On a sudden, Mr. Bickford rose in his Stirrups and exclaimed in a tone of excitement: “I see a cabin!” “Where?” “Yonder,” said the Yankee, pointing to a one-story shanty, perhaps a quarter of a mile away. “Is it inhabited, I wonder?” “I don’t know. Let us go and see.” The two spurred their horses, and at length reached the rude building which had inspired them with hope. The door was open, but no one was visible. Joshua was off his horse in a twinkling and peered in. “Hooray!” he shouted in rejoicing accents. “Breakfast’s ready.” On a rude table was an earthen platter full of boiled rice and a stale loaf beside it. “Pitch in, Joe,” said Joshua. “I’m as hungry as a wolf.” “This food belongs to somebody. I suppose we have no right to it.”
“Right be hanged. A starving man has a right to eat whatever he can find.” “Suppose it belongs to a fire-eater, or a man from Pike County?” “We’ll eat first and fight afterward.” Joe did not feel like arguing the matter. There was an advocate within him which forcibly emphasized Joshua’s arguments, and he joined in the banquet. “This bread is dry as a chip,” said Mr. Bickford. “But no matter. I never thought dry bread would taste so good. I always thought rice was mean vittles, but it goes to the right place just now.” “I wonder if any one will have to go hungry on our account?” said Joe. “I hope not, but I can’t help it,” returned Mr. Bickford. “Necessity’s the fust law of nature, Joe. I feel twice as strong as I did twenty minutes ago.” “There’s nothing like a full stomach, Joshua. I wonder to whom we are indebted for this repast?” “That’d be me.” A bespectacled Asian gentleman stood in the doorway. “And that repast is mine.” “It’s a heathen Chinee, by gosh!” exclaimed Joshua. Joe glared at Joshua in utter shock. “What did you just call him?!” “I believe he called me a heathen,” replied the Asian man (perhaps, yes, Chinese – Joe would allow that it was possible). “That I get. But ‘Chinee’ suggests that your friend has a speech impediment.” Joe laughed loudly, so the man could be assured that he, for one, was no racist. “For the record,” the Chinese man went on, proceeding into the room. “I’m Japanese.” Feeling the sting of his own ignorance, Joe bit his lip so hard he drew blood. “Good morning, heathen Japanee,” said Mr. Bickford. “We thought we’d come round and make you a mornin’ call—” The Japanese man raised one hand in interruption. “You’re stealing my food. Admit it. Because I’m foreign, and therefore somewhat less than human, you’ve barged in here to take what’s mine.”
Joe jumped to his feet to clasp the admittedly yellow hand of the multi-cultural wonder before him. “We meant no offense!” he cried. “Tell me of Japan!” The Japanese man blinked. “Or not,” Joe sputtered. “If you’re from here. You might be from here. It’s a melting pot, right? Tell me of New Jersey, if you’re from New Jersey. I’m making no assumptions about your cultural heritage! I’m not like that!” The Japanese man shook him off with visible disgust. Joe felt his stomach turning from the shame of it all. He screamed silently: I’m not a bigot! I’m different! The Japanese man made to leave. “I’m getting my gun.” Mr. Bickford fished within his pockets and withdrew a wad of cash. “We’ll pay you, slanty-eyes,” he cheerfully announced. “For this and any more food stuffs you can hand over.” “Fine,” said the person of color, pocketing the cash. “By the way, I was fucking with you. I am Chinese.” Everyone but Joe laughed. After a few minutes of transferring food supplies, Joe was able to pick up that the Asian gentleman had come to town to prospect gold! And good for him! Why shouldn’t he? He and a Polynesian friend had even found some, along with the intact and abandoned cabin that Joe and pals had happened upon. It had been erected and deserted the previous year by a party of white miners, who were not so easily satisfied as the two “Chinamen.” 60 “Well,” said Joshua, after they had started on their way, “that’s the first time I ever dined at a Chinee hotel.” “We were lucky in coming across it,” said Joe. “The poor fellow looked frightened when he saw us gobblin’ up his provisions,” said Mr. Bickford, laughing at the recollection. “But we left him pretty well satisfied. We didn’t treat him as the gentleman from Pike treated us.”
“No--I wouldn’t be so mean as that darned skunk. It makes me mad whenever I look at this consumptive boss he’s left behind.” “You didn’t make much out of that horse trade, Mr. Bickford.” “I didn’t, but I’ll get even with him some time if we ever meet again.” “Do you know where he was bound?” “No--he didn’t say.” “I dare say it’ll all come right in the end. At any rate, we shan’t starve for the next forty-eight hours.” So in better spirits the two companions kept on their way. CHAPTER XXX ON THE YUBA RIVER On the following day Joe and his comrade fell in with men who, like themselves, were on their way to the Yuba River. They were permitted to join, and made an arrangement for a share of the provisions. This removed all anxiety and insured their reaching their destination without further adventure. The banks of the Yuba presented a busy and picturesque appearance. On the banks was a line of men roughly clad, earnestly engaged in scooping out gravel and pouring it into a rough cradle, called a rocker. This was rocked from side to side until the particles of gold, if there were any, settled at the bottom and were picked out and gathered into bags. At the present time there are improved methods of separating gold from the earth, but the rocker is still employed by Chinese miners. In the background were tents and rude cabins, and there was the unfailing accessory of a large mining camp, the gambling tent, where the banker, like a wily spider, lay in wait to appropriate the hard-earned dust of the successful miner. Joe and his friend took their station a few rods from the river and gazed at the scene before them. “Well, Mr. Bickford,” said Joe, “the time has come when we are to try our luck.” “Yes,” said Joshua. “Looks curious, doesn’t it? If I didn’t know, I’d think them chaps fools, stoopin’ over there and siftin’ mud. It ‘minds me of when I was a boy and used to make dirt pies.” “Suppose we take a day and look round a little. Then we can find out about how things are done, and work to better advantage.” Joe and his friend found the miners social and very ready to give them information.
“How much do I make a day?” said one in answer to a question from Joshua. “Well, it varies. Sometimes I make ten dollars, and from that all the way up to twenty-five. Once I found a piece worth fifty dollars. I was in luck then.” “I should say you were,” said Mr. Bickford. “The idea of findin’ fifty dollars in the river. It looks kind of strange, don’t it, Joe?” “Are any larger pieces ever found here?” asked Joe. “Sometimes.” “I have seen larger nuggets on exhibition in San Francisco, worth several hundred dollars. Are any such to be found here?” “Generally they come from the dry diggings. We don’t often find such specimens in the river washings. But these are more reliable.” “Can a man save money here?” “If he’ll be careful of what he gets. But much of our dust goes there.” He pointed to a cabin, used as a gambling den. There in the evening the miners managed to lose what they had washed out during the day. “That’s the curse of our settlement,” said their informant. “I never go there, but I am in the minority.” “Well majority rules,” said Joshua, and entered. The rounders from the Chesterfield, Knish, Teddy KGB, Petra and Dean Petrovsky, were celebrating Mike’s return to no limit hold ‘em. Joshua wondered, “These squares at the table, short stack and long odds against them. All their outs gone. One last card in the deck that can help them. I wonder how they could let themselves get into such bad shape, and how the hell they thought they could turn it around. “ Knish sat, and as if reading Joshua’s mind, said “I was actually gonna try and make some real money tonight, but in honor of Mike’s Ali-like return to the ring, I’ll sit with you all for a while.” Mike explained to Joshua: ”We’re not playing together, but we’re not playing against each other, either. It’s like the Nature Channel. You don’t see piranhas eating each other, do you?” Joshua said, “Gimme three stacks of high society and deal.” Halfway through the hand, Worm arrived. Mike asked, “How much was the hooker?” He replied, “Mike, please, relaxation therapist.” Worm read Joshua’s cards blind. “You were lookin’ for that third three, but you forgot that Petra
folded it on Fourth Street and now you’re representing that you have it. Teddy made his two pair, but he knows they’re no good. Knish was trying to squeeze out a diamond flush but he came up short and Mike is futilely hoping that his queens are going to stand up. So the Dean’s bet is $20.” Teddy cried out: Nyet! No More! No! Not tonight! He beat me...straight up. Pay him...pay that man his money.” Joshua asked the Dean, “If you had it to do all over again, knowing what would happen, would you make the same choice? Petrovsky answered, “What choice? And you are?” Joshua answered, “Joshua Bickford, your former student.” “I am glad to see you, Mr. Bickford,” said his old school teacher, grasping Joshua’s hand cordially.61 “It seems kinder queer for you to call me Mr. Bickford.” “I wasn’t so ceremonious in the old times,” said Kellogg. “No, I guess not. You’d say, ‘Come here, Joshua,’ and you’d jerk me out of my seat by the collar. ‘Did you stick that pin in my chair?’ That’s the way you used to talk. And then you’d give me an all-fired lickin’.” Overcome by the mirthful recollections, Joshua burst into an explosive fit of laughter, in which presently he was joined by Joe and his old teacher. “I hope you’ve forgiven me for those whippings, Mr. Bickford.” “They were jest what I needed, Mr. Kellogg. I was a lazy young rascal, as full of mischief as a nut is of meat. You tanned my hide well.” “You don’t seem to be any the worse for it now.” “It seems cur’us, don’t it, Joe?” said Joshua. “When Mr. Kellogg used to haul me round the schoolroom, it didn’t seem as if I could ever be a match for him.” “We change with the passing years,” said Kellogg, in a moralizing tone, which recalled his former vocation. “Now you are a man, and we meet here on the other side of the continent, on the banks of the Yuba River. I hope we are destined to be successful.” “I hope so, too,” said Joshua, “for I’m reg’larly cleaned out.” “If I can help you any in the sway of information, I shall be glad to do so.”
Joe and Bickford took him at his word and made many inquiries, eliciting important information. The next day they took their places farther down the river and commenced work. Their inexperience at first put them at a disadvantage, They were awkward and unskillful, as might have been expected. Still, at the end of the first day each had made about five dollars. “That’s something,” said Joe. The second day brought each about twelve dollars, and Joshua felt elated. “I’m gettin’ the hang of it,” said he. “As soon as I’ve paid up what I owe you, I’ll begin to lay by somethin’.” “I don’t want you to pay me till you are worth five hundred dollars, Mr. Bickford. The sum is small, and I don’t need it.” “Thank you, Joe. You’re a good friend. I’ll stick by you if you ever want help.” In the evening the camp presented a lively appearance. When it was chilly, logs would be brought from the woods, and a bright fire would be lighted, around which the miners would sit and talk of home and their personal adventures and experiences. One evening Mr. Bickford and Joe returned from a walk, when, as they approached the camp-fire, they heard a familiar voice, and caught these words: “I’m from Pike County, Missouri, gentlemen. They call me the Rip-tail Roarer. I can whip my weight in wildcats.” “By gosh!” exclaimed Joshua, “if it ain’t that skunk from Pike. I mean to tackle him.” CHAPTER XXXI: JUDGE LYNCH PRONOUNCES SENTENCE The gentleman from Pike was sitting on a log, surrounded by miners, of whom he was relating his marvelous exploits. The number of Indians, grizzly bears, and enemies generally, which, according to his account, he had overcome and made way with, was simply enormous. “It seems to me, my friend,” said Kellogg, who, it will be remembered, had been a schoolmaster, “that you are a modern Hercules.” “Who’s he?” demanded the Pike man suspiciously, for he had never eard of the gentleman referred to. “He was a great hero of antiquity,” exclaimed Kellogg, “who did many onderful feats.” “That’s all right, then,” said the Pike man. “If you’re friendly, hen I’m friendly. But if any man insults me he’ll find he’s tackled he wrong man. I can whip my weight in wildcats------” Here he was subjected to an interruption. Mr. Bickford could no longer suppress his indignation when at a little distance he saw his mustang, which this treacherous braggart had robbed him of, quietly feeding.
“Look here, old Rip-tail, or whatever you call yourself, I’ve got an account to settle with you.” The Pike man started as he heard Mr. Bickford’s voice, which, being of a peculiar nasal character, he instantly recognized. He felt that the meeting was an awkward one, and he would have avoided it. He decided to bluff Joshua off, and, as the best way of doing it, to continue his game of brag. “Who dares to speak to me thus?” he demanded with a heavy frown, looking in the opposite direction. “Who insults the Rip-tail Roarer?” “Look this way if you want to see him,” said Joshua. “Put on your specs if your eyes ain’t good.” The man from Pike could no longer evade looking at his late comrade. He pretended not to know him. “You’re the man that says he can whip his weight in wildcats. I don’t believe you dare to face your weight in tame cats.” “Sdeath!” roared the bully. “Do you want to die on the spot?” “Not particularly, old Rip-tail,” muttered the babysitter, but not offering to look up from her Sassy. “Wha?” said the baby in a terrible voice, but not offering to get up from its place near the Fisher Price Woodsy plush log house. “I don’t particularly care that your brother stole your toy,” said the babysitter composedly. “How come your mommy and daddy haven’t fixed the air-conditioning? It’s effin’ hot.” “Bah word,” said the baby. “You know, um, you know what we should do cuz it’s so hot—” said the second brother, the one who was up to pretending to be all sweet and charming. “Effin’ is not a bad word,” said the babysitter. She snapped her HubbaBubba. “But don’t tell your mommy that I said it.” “—we go to the pool.” The second brother was still talking. He couldn’t keep one hand out of his ear and the other out of his pants. “I wanna my pony!” The baby remembered its original complaint and its doughnutty face was the color of ripe tomatoes.
“What have you to say in answer to this baby’s charge?” asked the babysitter, slapping down her magazine. “Lies!” said the boy from the stairs, where he was pushing his toys through the banister. One of the clatters sounded not like Transformer plastic hitting linoleum, but rather like Pony plastic. “Be keerful, old Rip-tail,” said the babysitter in a warning tone. “I don’t take sass.” “I didn’t steal that pony.” “No, you didn’t exactly steal it, but you took it without leave and left your own bag of bones in his place.” The baby was on its feet now, its pudgy paw shaking the broken Happy Meal toy the brother had discarded in the playpen. The baby threw down the limbless dinosaur and spat on it, though that came out as a drool. “But that wasn’t so bad as stealin’ all our provisions. That’s what I call tarnation mean.” “Shit.” The babysitter jumped to her feet, only three of her twenty nails painted Caribbean Jacuzzi, but then the floor suddenly coated with color. “Uh-oh!” said the baby. “Well, that’s cheeky,” said the brother around his fingers, which had moved to pull at and twist the boy’s lips. “I’m the one who forgot to feed you, baby, not your brother. You kids want mac and cheese or chicken nuggets?” The brother with the itchy fingers had tumbled off to his other brother still playing on the stairs. “Hey!” he cried. “He does have My Little Pony!” “Just hear that, brother,” growled the baby. “You see these gentlemen here believe me and they don’t believe you.”62 “There’s a man in this here country that looks like me,” said the Pike man, with a lame excuse. “You’ve met him, likely.” Oh, Pike Man, didn’t you know there are no secrets here on the Upper Mining Side? Careful, this crowd’s about to strike gold, and you never know where the pickax might fall. “I don’t think so – I think it’s you,” said B. “C’mon everyone, this is obviously one of B’s elaborate schemes,” Lonely Pike said uneasily. “Who are you going to believe?” B smiled mischievously. “Fine. I’ll call another witness. Little J?”
Uh-oh. The tables have turned, and it’s Little J sitting at the head. Tonight’s main dish? Revenge. We hear it’s best served cold. “It’s true,” said Little J, stepping out from behind B. “We let him in and he took everything he could. Go back to Pike-lyn. You’re out.” Meow, Little J. We bet that stung. But it’s just like Mohammad Ali said – to win, you have to float like a butterfly, and sting like a B. But be careful when those gloves come off. We bet Lonely Pike isn’t one to fight fair. Lonely Pike was silent. “You sure it’s him, Little J?” asked the hotel heir. “Yes, I’m sure. I’d never forget that extreme case of helmet hair.” “I believe you. Gentlemen, and ladies,” he said smoothly, gesturing lightly with a cocktail, “I think we know who to believe.” Everyone turned to Lonely Pike. They say a leopard never changes its spots, even if they clash with the accessories or their spotty story is about to get them thrown to the lions. Scandal. Betrayal. Angry townspeople. Some people might call this the making of a Victorian drama. On the Upper Mining Side, we call it a Wednesday afternoon. “You’re wrong,” he said, rising, “can’t you tell it’s just another game? One I, honestly, don’t feel like playing.” “Not so fast!” said the hotel heir, putting his hand heavily on his shoulder. “You deserve to be punished, and you shall be. Friends, what shall we do with him?” “Kill him! String him up!” shouted some.63 The Rip-tail Roarer’s swarthy face grew pale as he heard these ominous words. He knew something of the wild, stern justice of those days. He knew that more than one for an offense like his had expiated his crime with his life. “It seems to me,” said the leader, “that the man he injured should fix the penalty. Say you so?” “Aye, aye!” shouted the miners. “Will you two,” turning to Joe and Bickford, “decide what shall be done with this man? Shall we string him up?” The Pike man’s nerve gave way. He flung himself on his knees before Joshua and cried: “Mercy! mercy! Don’t let them hang me!” Joshua was not hard-hearted. He consulted with Joe and then said: “I don’t want the critter’s life. If there was any wild-cats round, I’d like to see him tackle his weight in ‘em, as he says he can. As there isn’t, let him be tied on the old nag he put off on me, with his head to the horse’s tail, supplied with one day’s provisions, and then turned loose!”
This sentence was received with loud applause and laughter. The horse was still in camp and was at once brought out. The man from Pike was securely tied on as directed, and then the poor beast was belabored with whips till he started off at the top of his speed, which his old owner, on account of his reversed position, was unable to regulate. He was followed by shouts and jeers from the miners, who enjoyed this act of retributive justice. “Mr. Bickford, you are avenged,” said Joe, “So I am, Joe. I’m glad I’ve got my hoss back; but I can’t help pityin’ poor old Rip-tail, after all. I don’t believe he ever killed a wildcat in his life.” CHAPTER XXXII: TAKING ACCOUNT OF STOCK Three months passed. They were not eventful. The days were spent in steady and monotonous work; the nights were passed around the camp-fire, telling and hearing, stories and talking of home. Most of their companions gambled and drank, but Mr. Bickford and Joe kept clear of these pitfalls. “Come, man, drink with me,” more than once one of his comrades said to Joshua. “No suh!” said Joshua, quite posh-ua. “Alls I know, yous acting like a barney. Ain’t I good enough?” asked the townie quite tough, half calling his bluff. “I ain’t no lace curtain Irish. That’s the gayest thing to say. Let’s go to the packie, grab something and watch the Sox play.” “Hi hosey the front seat. Let’s go to the spa first and get some grindas to eat.” “Wicked pissa’! I could grab a slice of ‘za.” Simply stated by Josh-ua. “That’s the bomb but I’ll take some chowdah. But what are you drinkin?” he yelled a bit louder. “Are you wicked retarded? Nothin’ but water. The staties will bag us, as if we dated their daughters’.” “Damn, you’re a square. I ain’t talkin’ ‘bout no ripper. Just a road soda sippah’.” “I ain’t no shiesty skidder from your Slummerville,” Joshua said sharply, restarting the Battle of Bunker Hill. “If we get pinched, it’d be straight to the Hill.” By shuttin’ down his Masshole friends in the Hub, Joshua could not be considered a sketchy scrub. And he still retained their respect, without getting’ his rep to be suspect.
Joe was also, like a bastard refusin’ to drink, but he was more slippery than the Garden’s hockey rink. Even the biggest bazos and chuckleheads knew it was bad, to force ‘em to drink like balls wicked mad. Another off the boat kid -- Kellogg—copied Josh and Joe’s swill, only cold water, or Dunkies for them, from Mass Ave. to Beacon Hill. These three Easties were called the “Cold-Water Brigade,” by their buddies, as if they were drinkin’ straight out of the Charles’ muddies. “Josh,” said Joe, after a few months in Beantown, “have you taken a good look around?” “No suh!,” claimed Joshua, “but I’ll do it right quick.” After a look in his Nantucket reds, he suddenly felt sick. “I’ve got five hundie left,” he said as he parked the car. “Regardless, you’ve done better than me by far.” Said Joe, taking a digga outside the bar. “How much you got left?” Josh suddenly demanded, dustin’ off Joe’s Sox cap and helping him single-handed. “About four hundred and fifty.” 64 “I owe you twenty-five dollars, Joe. That’ll make us even.” Joshua was about to transfer twenty-five dollars to Joe, when he noticed something. He remembered Joe had been acting – for a lack of a better word – hungrily lately, but he had paid him no notice on this. Now, Joe looked definitely sick. “B-b-b…Braaaains,” Joe blurted out. ”Braaaaains!” Joshua was starting to suspect something was awry, but Mom has always told him not to act compulsively. So, he decided to see first if there was anything wrong with Joe. ”Do you know, Joe,” said Joshua, in a confused tone, as if he were not sure how he was supposed to act, “I am richer than I was when I got out from home?” “Braaaaains!” Had Joe always walked with his hands outstretched? Mmmh… time to start paying some more attention to his surroundings, thought Joshua. ”I-I… I had only three hundred dollars then; now I’ve got four hundred and seventy-five, takin’ out what I owe you.” He started, slowly (so as not to appear rude) to back away from Joe. “Braaaaaains!”
“You’ve done enough for me, Joe.” He swatted away Joe’s raking hands. ”I don’t want you to give me that debt.” He wasn’t sure what Mom’d say, but sure as sure letting himself to be eaten alive by a friend was pushing the limits of friendship. Joe surely wasn’t paying attention where he was stepping on. One of his feet suddenly gave in with a loud crack, making him stumble. But he was too intent on reaching out to Joshua’s head and paid no heed to his dislocated limb. “Braaaaains!” repeated Joe, after a little pause. “You don’t think of going back to the city?” asked Joshua apprehensively. How could Joe have gotten that cadaverous look in such a short time? ”Or… or… er…Where do you want to go?” Instead of answering, Joe made a clumsy grab for Joshua’s head, succeeding only in knocking his hat away. ”That was rude, Joe.” He decided to make a call to reason. People always respond to that, Mom said. “Joe… Joe… Joe!” Pausing in his efforts, and with a puzzled look, Joe seemed to come to his senses. “Joe, control yourself! Think of nuggets, big ol’ shiny gold nuggets!” That did the trick. Joe shook his head, as if daydreaming, and said “Th-This pays fairly, but there is little chance of getting nuggets of any size hereabouts.” He still had a faraway look, but Joshua was sure it’d pass. ”I’d just like to find one worth two thousand dollars. I’d start for home mighty quick, and give Sukey Smith a chance to become Mrs. Bickford.” “Success to you!” said Joe, laughing.65 CHAPTER XXXIII: A STARTLING TABLEAU Joe finally decided on some mines a hundred miles distant in a southwesterly direction. They were reported to be rich and promising. They made some few preparations of a necessary character. Their clothing was in rags, and they got a new outfit at the mining store. Each also provided himself with a rifle. The expense of these made inroads upon their stock of money, but by the time they were ready to start they had eight hundred dollars between them, besides their outfit, and this they considered satisfactory. Kellogg at first proposed to go with them, but finally he changed his mind. “I am in a hurry to get home,” he said, “and these mines are a sure thing. If I were as young as you, I would take the risk. As it is, I had better not. I’ve got a wife and child at home, and I want to go back to them as soon as I can.” “You are right,” said Joe. “I’ve got a girl at home,” said Joshua, “but I guess she’ll wait for me.” “Suppose she don’t,” suggested Joe. “I shan’t break my heart,” said Mr. Bickford. “There’s more than one girl in the world.”
“I see you are a philosopher, Mr. Bickford,” said his old schoolmaster. “I don’t know about that, but I don’t intend to make a fool of myself for any gal. I shall say, ‘Sukey, here I am; I’ve got a little money, and I’m your’n till death if you say so. If you don’t want me, I won’t commit susancide.” “That’s a capital joke, Joshua,” said Joe. “Her name is Susan, isn’t it?” “Was that a joke? Maybe I should write for Jay Leno. Or try my hand at screenwriting, like everybody else out here in L.A. Seems easier than mining. What do you think?” Kellogg said nothing. “Susan-cide, and Los Angeles is the city of angels, said Joshua complacently. “What a coincidence.” And he roared in appreciation of his joke. He would not have laughed had he’d known that Susan, his intended fiancée, was planning to marry him for his money, thus showing there was more than one type of gold mining to be enjoyed in California. Mr. Bickford and Joe had not turned in their rental car. Instead they had left it with the valet at the nearby shopping mall, thinking they might need it again, and it would be cheaper than parking at the hotel for $30 a night. The next morning, they set out from the Beverly Wilshire towards San Diego. They had made friends with the hotel staff, who waved to them as they left. “Good luck. Don’t forget to fill out your comment cards,” they exclaimed heartily. “The same to you, guys!” So with mutual good feeling they parted company. On the fourth day Joe suddenly exclaimed in excitement: “Look, Joshua!”66 “By gosh!” The exclamation hung in the air like a penance for a crime yet uncommitted. Forty feet away, a hatless man ran from a shimmering distortion in the ominously quiet Californian hillside: Obsidian-slimed, eyeless, and slavering from its single anterior orifice not spittle but a glinting fabric of tentacular, hair-thin knives, a shoggrizzly bear merged into a dimension which made it visible to Joe, who retched. “Hogan,” he hissed finally. His heart beat too fast for him to speak further. CHAPTER XXXIV: THE SHOGGRIZZLY OUT OF SPACE It may surprise the young naturalist that the horrible, utterly mindless and violent servitor bears
called the shoggrizzlies were not entirely annihilated in the Devonian by the very protoCalifornian witch-squid who created them, in the black-salt cities of the age of the ocean-gods. It is true that for many millions of years the shoggrizzlies slumbered fitfully in a realm beyond human sight, content to consume via liquefaction the occasional passing burro. Yet in recent years, as the great golden state became more dense with settlers, these light-negating beasts were seen more and more to visit the lower slopes and attack men, reducing each to a mist of blood and a mangled belt-buckle. Hogan now had the ill-luck to encounter one of these fatal hulking anti-geometries. When he first detected the shoggrizzly’s outline on a distant ridge, he thought he might conceal himself. But at every turn the shimmer of the hunter out of space was closer, until finally it had manifested, spitting a lava-fast river of inhuman razor-edges toward the little man. Hogan was having a hard time of life in general, at this point, as might have been expected. His shirt was ragged, and his nether garments showed the ravages of time. His hat was now a shredded fabric chum in another dimension, one filled with the fluting malice of the primal Chaos. He was exhausted, scrambling toward a sycamore, and the shoggrizzly was closing in, overhauling his intended victim slowly but surely. Joe and Bickford hid to one side, gagging, reluctant to attract the attention of either party in this unequal race. “We should put Hogan out of his misery before the shoggrizzly makes contact,” said Joshua when he could recover a little of his wits. “Shall I shoot?” Pickford sighed heavily. “If you miss, the formless horror will turn on us. You’ll only have one shot, and we’ll have to run...” “It’s a cruel sight to see a shoggrizzly hunting,” said Joshua, a little too loud, as he loaded the traitorous bullet. At this moment Hogan turned his head with the terror-stricken look of a man who felt that he was lost.67 The bear was little more than a hundred feet behind him and was gaining steadily. Fatigue--terrible. Breathing--a hoarse pant. Mind alive SCREAMING TERROR. A shrill cry, exploding from his lungs. Hogan sank. Hogan shut his eyes. Hogan waited. The bear--faster faster faster Joe’s head swiveled. “Now let him have it!” Bickford squeezed—muzzle flash--pellets shedding fur--the grizzly’s wide SHOCKED face.
Animal screams--furious, wagging his head side to side as if to ask who the f***... There. The two others. Meat on legs. Rifles in hand. The bear thinking: f*** Hogan. The bear thinking: eat the others. The bear bounding forward, fantasizing about sucking marrow from thigh bones. Bickford, yelling: “Give it to him quick, Joe! He’s making for us!” Joe: rifle steady. Deep breath. Hold it. Don’t twitch. Don’t freeze. Don’t f*** this up. Rifle—EXPLOSION Fur/blood/muscle/musk/heat/choking/smoke/death The bear tumbled--sudden awkwardness. Joe, wiping gore from his palms: “Is he dead, or only feigning?” Joshua: “He’s a gone coon. Let us go up and look at him.” The beast--not quite dead. Glazed eyes. Convulsing, paws twitching, then--Nothing. Bickford: He’s gone, sure enough. Good-by, old grizzly. You meant well, but circumstances interfered with your good intentions.” Joe: “Now let us look up Hogan.” The man had sunk to the ground utterly exhausted, and in his weakness and terror had fainted. 68 Joe got some water and threw it in his face. Hogan opened his eyes and drew a deep breath. A sudden recollection blanched his face anew, and he cried: “Don’t let him get at me!” “You’re safe, Mr. Hogan,” said Joe. “The bear is basically dead.” “Dead! Is he really dead?” “Well,” said Bickford, “when that shot grizzle bear fell it tumbled into a large box with a sealed lid.” “So it’s dead in the box?” Hogan stumbled to standing.
“Can’t rightly say,” said Joe. “On entering the box a set of circumstances were created whereupon the bear I shot could be, so to speak, both alive and dead.” “Subatomically speakin’,” added Bickford. Hogan began to dust himself off. “Oh, sure, subatomics.” Hogan shuddered as he caught sight of the huge black box no less than seven feet tall. Hogan, realizing he was safe, became angry with the beast that had driven him such race for life. He ran up to the grizzly’s box and kicked it. “Take that! I wish you wasn’t half-dead, so that I could stick my knife into you.” The giant varmint burst from the box, blood-eyed and snarling. As the bear clawed itself free, Bickford noticed it was no longer brown but purple with a neon undercoat that popped like static as it lumbered towards Hogan. Aiming his rifle, Joe saw the beast’s eyes. One eye deep, round and brown, the other, however, had a pupil like a cat’s but crossed over twice into an x. It was stuck in a superposition. Joe’s finger went wet with sweat as he prepared to squeeze the trigger. Hogan’s head pinched in its mouth, the bear stood up, put on a bowler and said to Joe, “This is not a pipe.” The giant varmint stayed in the box. Hogan rubbed his britches on the corner of the box “If he wasn’t dead you’d keep your distance,” said Joshua dryly. “Don’t require courage now.” “You’d have run, too, if he’d been after you,” Hogan said. “I guess. Bears are all very well in their place, but I’d rather not mingle with ‘em socially. They’re very affectionate and fond of hugging.” “You think I’m was a coward for runnin’ from the bear.” “No, I don’t. How do I know you was runnin’ from the bear? Maybe you was only takin’ a little exercise to get up an appetite for dinner.”69 “I am faint and weak,” said Hogan. “I haven’t had anything to eat for twelve hours.” “You shall have some food,” said Joe. “Joshua, where are the provisions? We may as well have lunch.” “Jest as you say, Joe. I most generally have an appetite.” There was a mountain spring within a stone’s throw. Joshua took a tin pail and brought some of the sparkling beverage, which he offered first to Hogan. Hogan drank greedily. His throat was parched and dry, and he needed it. He drew a deep breath of relief. “I feel better,” said he. “I was in search of a spring when that cursed beast spied me and gave me chase.”
They sat down under the shade of a large tree and lunched. “What sort of luck have you had since you tried to break into my restaurant, Mr. Hogan?” asked Joe. Hogan changed color. The question was an awkward one. “Who told you I tried to enter your restaurant?” he asked. “The man forced me to do it,” said Hogan. “How was that?” “He saw me comin’ out of the restaurant a little while before, and when he met me, after trying to rob me and finding that it didn’t pay, he asked me if I was a friend of yours. I told him I was. Then he began to ask if you slept there at night and if anybody was with you. I didn’t want to answer, but he held a pistol at my head and forced me to. Then he made me go with him. I offered to get in, thinking I could whisper in your ear and warn you, but he wouldn’t let me. He stationed me at the window and got in himself. You know what followed. As soon as I saw you were too strong for him I ran away, fearing that he might try to implicate me in the attempt at robbery.” Hogan recited this story very glibly and in a very plausible manner. “Mr. Hogan,” said Joe, “ As it is, I might be disposed to put confidence in your statements. I regret to say I wouldn’t believe you if I didn’t know you so thoroughly.” “Hogan,” said Joshua, “I think you’re the age of the romancers. When I ever start a story-paper I’ll engage you to write for me.” “I am sorry for your circumstances, gentlemen,” said Hogan, with an air of suffering innocence. “I’m the victim of so much injustice.” “I expect George Washington never told a lie. You’re a close second, aren’t you?” “You will not know me better at a time,” said Hogan. “I hope I’ll know you better,” said Joe. “ I’ll want to even more than now.” CHAPTER XXXV: THE NEW DIGGINGS When lunch was over, Joe said: “Good day, Mr. Hogan. Look out for better luck, and may you have plenty grizzlies in future.” “Yes, Hogan, good by,” said Joshua. “We bear all our interest. He meant to make over to you his revenge. You can eat him by eatin’ yourself.”
“Are you going to stay and take care of me, gentlemen?” asked Hogan in alarm. “You don’t expect us to leave you, do you?” “Let me be left alone in this country,” pleaded Hogan. ”I may meet another grizzly life if I go with you, I am afraid “ “That would be a great loss to me,” said Mr. Bickford. “It would be a great loss to the world,” said Hogan, with unconcealed sarcasm. “Maybe that’s the best way to put it,” observed Bickford. “It would never have been money in my friend Joe’s pocket if you hadn’t been born.” “May I go with you?” pleaded Hogan, this time addressing himself to Joe. “Mr. Hogan,” said Joe, “you know very well your company is acceptable to us. Why not.” “You shall have no occasion to complain,” said Hogan earnestly.70 “Do you want us to adopt you, Hogan?” asked Joshua. “No, but I can use a ride.” “Sure!” “Hot damn, I’ve never rode in a covered wagon before.” The kid climbed into the back. “We’re on our way to gold country to find the American Dream.” No point in mentioning the huge prairie dogs, the ones swarming and screeching beneath the horses in their Hell’s Angel gear and Nixon masks. The poor bastard will see them soon enough. “This is a very ominous assignment with overtones of extreme personal danger. Want a beer?” Hogan shook his head. “How about some ether? We have more extremely dangerous drugs in the trunk of the wagon than all the dispensaries north of the Rio Grand.” “Are you an apothecary?” “I’m a professional journalist, and this is my attorney.” “You’re not prospectors? You’re not staking a claim?” “Why not, what the hell? Maybe a stake a claim under shady tree where my attorney and I can get loaded in our Acapulco shirts and listen to ‘Sympathy for the Devil’ on the tape recorder.”
“What about the law?” “I’ll run a campaign for sheriff.” The attorney speaks for the first time: “You’re going to need plenty of legal advice. My very first piece of advice is let’s see how fast these horses go.” The attorney pushed the horses to a breakneck pace. The kid in the back looked like he was about ready to jump out and take his chances. “You’ll have to pardon my attorney. He’s not just some dingbat I found back at the base camp. He doesn’t look like you or me, right? I think he’s a Samoan.” The wagon then screeched to a halt, throwing the kid forward onto the ground where his landing was cushioned by the herd of G.O.P. prairie dogs on their tiny Harley-Davidsons. Joe and Joshua surveyed the ground and staked out their claims, writing out the usual notice and posting it on a neighboring tree. They had not all the requisite tools, but these they were able to purchase at one of the cabins.71 “What shall I do?” Hogan practically whined as he faced us. ”You both got claims. What about me?” After all the times Hogan cheated or just plain lied to me, it didn’t take long to come up with an answer. “Like the man said, move on down the road.” Josh hadn’t been around as long as me. He handed Hogan a shovel. “You can work for us.” I had to smile. Hogan handled the shovel like it had just been lowered from a Klingon battlecruiser. “How much you payin’?” Josh took a few seconds. “Ten percent.” “Ten percent? You two split ninety and I get ten?” “Right, but there’s two of us, so ten percent of two is the same as twenty for one.” I watched as Hogan crunched numbers. Knowing him, a half hour from now he still wouldn’t get it. Also, I knew that nothing short of everything we found would satisfy him. Hogan’s voice took on the, get-even-with-you-later, tone I’d heard so often from him. “I usually like a little kiss when I get screwed.” I waved. “So long, Jack.” Hogan gripped the shovel so hard his knuckles turned white. And then, when Josh didn’t countermand me, he let go a resigned breath and hung his head.
“Okay. You win. What do I do?” Josh pointed at a weather-checked wheelbarrow. “Dig mud out’ta the stream bed and dump it in that. Then run it up to the top of the sluice.” He motioned downstream. “Move enough mud to keep me and Joe panning, you’ll earn your keep and more.” Hogan finally figured out something to do with the shovel. He used the handle to point at the place Joshua had indicated. “Ain’t nothing there. What sluice you talkin’ about?” Josh smiled. “The one we build starting tomorrow.” “Sure, all that’s work I’d be doing free – and what if we don’t find anything?” Josh smiled and slapped Hogan on the back. “Hogan, my friend, in that case, and this is my personal promise; we’ll increase your share to half.” While Hogan processed, I took the shovel, turned it so the blade was away from his body and handed it back. “You dig with that end.” I winked at Josh. “You know, partner, I think we might be onto something here.” And they were. The claims they were now working paid them better.72 “Twenty-five dollars to-day,” Bickford looked at me with his dopey grin. We’d been here a week, and his cloying sweetness was tugging on my mask. “That pays better than hoeing pertaters, Joe.” I screwed my mask on tight and kept up the act. “Yes, Mr. Bickford,” I grinned big and sweet. “I am afraid you will lose on our partnership.” “I’ll risk it, Joe.” He was risking more than he knew. Then there was Hogan. “Can’t you take me into partnership?” he whined like a half-blind schoolteacher in the dark. “We can, but we won’t,” said Bickford. This was my chance to keep Hogan. He’d be worth something yet, even if he didn’t know it, even if he ended up in the electric chair, he’d still be worth something. “Save your money. Buy some tools, instead of gamblin’.” Bickford was preaching, and the last person a degenerate wants to hear from is a preacher. “A man must have amusement,” grumbled Hogan. “Besides, I may have luck and win.” “Mr. Hogan, if you want to start a claim I’ll give you the tools,” I said it with that smile that works so well on Bickford. Just ole Joe, loose a few screws maybe, but harmless and sweet as a button.
“But of course you will have to find your own vittles,” Bickford was going to ride Hogan, and I’d come in and give him a way to get back at Bickford. We had set up this little firm, just for tax reasons, it didn’t amount to nothing. Bickford and Mason. When I told Bickford to put his name first you should have seen his eyes mist up with emotion. I had to look away I was so sick. We cut Hogan loose of the firm. Hogan was born a failure and he didn’t even know he was about to die a failure. My mask of normalcy that Bickford loved so much was beginning to itch, and I knew I’d be taking it off soon. Hogan would see it come off. Hogan scraped together enough to eat on and spent the rest of the time grumbling over his bad luck. Bickford kept poking at Hogan, agitating him, getting him stirred up like a dumb kid with a hornet’s nest. “If you’d work like we do,” said Bickford, “you wouldn’t need to complain. Your claim is just as good as ours, as far as we can tell.”73 “I was always unfortunate,” said Hogan. “You were always lazy, I reckon. You were born tired, weren’t you?” “My health ain’t good,” said Hogan. “I can’t work like you two.” “You’ve got a healthy appetite,” said Mr. Bickford. “There ain’t no trouble there that I can see.” Mr. Hogan had an easier time than before, but he hadn’t money to gamble with unless he deprived himself of his customary supply of food, and this he was reluctant to do. About this time a stroke of good luck fell to Joe. bout three o’clock one afternoon he unearthed a nugget which, at a rough estimate, might be worth five hundred dollars. Instantly all was excitement in the mining-camp, not alone for what he had obtained, but for the promise of richer deposits. Experienced miners decided that he had, struck upon what is popularly called a “pocket,” and some of these are immensely remunerative. “Shake hands, Joe,” said Bickford. “You’re in luck.” “So are you, Mr. Bickford. We are partners, you know.” In less than an hour the two partners received an offer of eight thousand dollars for their united claim, and the offer was accepted. Joe was the hero of the camp. All were rejoiced at his good fortune except one. That one was Hogan, who from a little distance, jealous and gloomy, surveyed the excited crowd. CHAPTER XXXVI: Hogan’s Discontent, or Never Come the Golden Nugget “Why don’t luck come to me?” muttered Hogan to himself.
He spit into his empty cup and dug a hand into the hole in his pants pocket to scratch himself, a dog digging for fleas. He rubbed his mouth, tongued a loose tooth and grimaced. The rest of them danced like a bunch of rheumy-eyed, rye-sotted puppets tipping their hats to Joe. The man of the hour – Mr. Mason to his new business associates, Joe to his friends – kept hinging and unhinging his jaws. His big-jawed smile opened as though he would eat the other miners whole but had decided to spare them. And their gratitude for not being eaten was to keep dancing. Some of them jigged with each other, as though Joe’s find was theirs. Like they’d all been there and helped Joe pull up that $500 lump of gold. They kept doffing their hats to each other, too, like they’d even been in on the consultation Joe and Joshua had to sell their claim. That was Joe. He ate luck. Beside him, Joshua laughed and sang like a drunk, even though he was stone sober, about sure-footed Susan and how he was going to dance her into their wedding bed. Hogan scratched his balls, flicked away whatever was living in the threads of his filthy underwear. “Ain’t it enough that I gotta sit here and listen to this foolscap of fuckery?” Hogan wimpered. Now he watched the pair of them pinching each other’s arm and yelling their plans above the din. “I’m going to San Francisco,” bellowed Joe. “I believe I’ll join you,” Joshua bellowed back, rolling his eyes insanely. They wouldn’t stop. Hogan wanted to block his ears, but the pain of listening was too addictive. He panted in heat for misery like this. Hogan was a one-man band of bathos. The celebration eventually became so noisy that the sounds were indistinguishable. Out of the void came the voices of Joe and Joshua. Joe’s hinges needed oiling; Joshua took the part of the jester, then caught Hogan’s eye, leaned into Joe’s ear. A raised eyebrow was Joe’s only response. The hinges lowered so the machinery of his mouth could work itself into something resembling a sympathetic expression. Hogan looked away. The money in their voices was like a steak on someone else’s plate. Hogan burped, tasted his sour expectations. “My luck don’t agree with me.”74 “You don’t seem to look at things right. Wasn’t you lucky the other day to get away from the bear?” “I was unlucky enough to fall in with him.” “Wasn’t you lucky in meetin’ my friend Joe in New York, and raisin’ money enough out of him to pay your passage out to Californy?” “I’d give something for that boy’s luck.”
“Joe’s luck? Well, things have gone pretty well with turn; but that don’t explain all his success-he’s willin’ to work.” “So am I.” “Then go to work on your claim. There’s no knowin’ but there’s a bigger nugget inside of it. If you stand round with your hands in your pockets, you’ll never find it.” “It’s the poorest claim in the gulch,” said Hogan discontentedly. “It pays the poorest because you don’t work half the time.” Hogan apparently didn’t like Mr. Bickford’s plainness of speech. He walked away moodily, with his hands in his pockets. He could not help contrasting his penniless position with the enviable position of the two friends, and the devil, who is always in wait for such moments, thrust an evil suggestion into his mind. It was this: He asked himself why could he not steal the nugget which Joe had found? “He can spare it, for he has sold the claim for a fortune,” Hogan reasoned. “It isn’t fair that he should have everything and I should have nothing. He ought to have made me his partner, anyway. He would if he hadn’t been so selfish. I have just as much right to a share in it as this infernal Yankee. I’d like to choke him.” This argument was a very weak one, but a man easily persuades himself of what he wants to do. “I’ll try for it,” Hogan decided, “this very night.” CHAPTER XXXVII: THE NUGGET IS STOLEN. At this time Joe and Joshua were occupying a tent which they had purchased on favorable terms of a fellow miner. They retired in good season, for they wished to start early on their journey on the following morning. “I don’t know as I can go to sleep,” said Joshua. “I can’t help thinkin’ of how rich I am, and what dad and all the folks will say.” “Do you mean to go home at once, Mr. Bickford?” “Jest as soon as I can get ready. I’ll tell you what I am goin’ to do, Joe. I’m goin’ to buy a tiptop suit when I get to Boston, and a gold watch and chain, and a breast-pin about as big as a saucer. When I sail into Pumpkin Holler in that rig folks’ll look at me, you bet. There’s old Squire Pennyroyal, he’ll be disappointed for one.” “Why will he be disappointed?”
“Because he told dad I was a fool to come out here. He said I’d be back in rags before a year was out. Now, the old man thinks a good deal of his opinion, and he won’t like it to find how badly he’s mistaken.” “Then he would prefer to see you come home in rags?” “You bet he would.” “How about Susan? Ain’t you afraid she has married the store clerk?” Joshua looked grave for a moment. “I won’t say but she has,” said he; “but if she has gone and forgotten about me jest because my back is turned, she ain’t the gal I take her for, and I won’t fret my gizzard about her.” There was a brief silence. Then Joshua said: “What are your plans, Joe? Shall you remain in San Francisco?” “I’ve been thinking, Mr. Bickford, that I would like to go home on a visit. If I find that I have left my business in good hands in the city, I shall feel tempted to go home on the steamer with you.” “That would be hunky,” said Bickford, really delighted. “We’d have a jolly time.” While this conversation was going on the dark figure of a man was prowling near the tent. “Why don’t the fools stop talking and go to sleep,” muttered Hogan. “I don’t want to wait here all night.” His wish was gratified. The two friends ceased talking and lay quite still. Soon the sounds of Joe’s deep, regular breathing and Bickford’s snoring drifted out under stars as big as roman candles exploding like spiders and as lonely as the Prince of Dharma. And in that cold night the listener came to carry out his dark plan, his last sad chance to claim everything he’d never earned. With stealthy step he crept toward the tent, scrambled inside, stooped to lift the nugget that rested like a golden seed beneath Joshua’s head. Joshua dreamed and sighed. The thief slid outside. Joe’s even breathing belied his dreams of ghosts who slouched toward him and cried. CHAPTER XXXVIII: Joe Goes On the Road The sun came up, glowed like a ragged grape. Joe woke as the sun was reddening; and that was the one time in his life, the strangest moment of all, when he didn’t know who he was—he was far away from home, haunted and tired with travel, and he didn’t know who he was for fifteen
strange seconds. The dusty air suddenly exulted him, told him it was time to move. He shook his drowsy friend. “Is it mornin’?” asked Bickford, rubbing half-shut eyes. “Hoo! Whee! Joe bobbed his head, bounced on his heels. He was itching to get on to San Francisco. “And time for us to set out. Man, we must—yes, yes, at once—we really must!” “We’re rich,” said Joshua, his bloodshot eyes glittering. “Do you know, Joe, I ain’t used to the thought. I actually forgot about it.” Joe giggled. He made a little dance. “The sight of the nugget will bring it right back, man.” “I do believe you. I do.” Bickford reached beneath his head. Then he said, “Joe, you conning me? Where is it?” “Pshaw!” Joe said. “It’s under your head.” ”Yaas, sure it is. Where’d you put it, Joe?” “Joshua, man, I never touched it,” Joe said, socking his palm.” “Where did you put it?” ”Under my head-the last thing before I lay down.” Joe ran around the room shaking his head, saying “Yes! Yes! Yes!” Finally he stopped and stood quivering. “Are you sure?” “Certain, sure.” Joe wondered what would happen now. His life was a vast glowing empty page. “Then,” said Joe, a little pale, “it must have been taken during the night.” 75 “Who would take it?” “Let’s find Hulk Hogan,” Joe said, with instinctive suspicion and a raised eyebrow. ”Who’s seen Hulk Hogan?” Hulk Hogan’s Harley was on the street, but he wasn’t in the ring at Sonny’s Gym. They didn’t find him drinking his usual bacon-flavored protein shake at Maria’s Diner either. “I’ll bet the bastard has grabbed the nugget and cleared out,” exclaimed The Rock in utter disgust. “He probably wants to use it to get the championship belt back from Andre the Giant.” “Did you see him last night at Studio 54?” “No, but I was pretty drunk.” “Is anything else gone?” asked Joe. ”The wresting trophies ...” “Are safe. It’s only the nugget that’s gone.”
News of the theft spread quickly throughout the wrestlers-turned-actors community. The incident seemed liked a threat to everyone. The wrestlers lived in such close quarters—all of their winnings were left unguarded—that theft was regarded as a serious offense. A thief would surely be met with a serious pounding. It was necessary, perhaps, for this was a primitive state of society, and the code which the wrestlers-turned-actors lived by was firmly established. Suspicion fell upon Hulk Hogan at once. None of the wrestlers had seen him since the night before. “Did anyone see him last night?” asked Joe. Jesse Ventura answered. “I saw him near your room,” he said. ”I didn’t think anything of it. Perhaps if I had been slightly less intoxicated I would have realized he was up to something, and we could’ve engaged in some fisticuffs.” “What time was this?” “It must have been between midnight and 1 a.m. We didn’t go to sleep right away. The Rock and I were discussing our plans over a game of WWE WrestleMania on the Xbox.” “I wish I’d been awake when that golden-haired, over-tanned scoundrel came around,” said The Rock. “I’d have grabbed him so he’d thought an old grizzly’d got hold of him.”76 “Did you notice anything in his manner that led you to think he intended robbery?” asked Kellogg. “He was complainin’ of his luck. He thought Joe and I got more than our share, and I’m willin’ to allow we have; but if we’d been as lazy and shif’less as Hogan we wouldn’t have got down to the nugget at all.” An informal council was held, and it was decided to pursue Hogan. As it was uncertain in which direction he had fled, it was resolved to send out four parties of two men each to hunt him. Joe and Kellogg went together, Joshua and another miner departed in a different direction, and two other pairs started out. “I guess we’ll fix him,” said Mr. Bickford. “If he can dodge us all, he’s smarter than I think he is.” Meanwhile Hogan, with the precious nugget in his possession, hurried forward with feverish haste. The night was dark and the country was broken. From time to time he stumbled over some obstacle, the root of a tree or something similar, and this made his journey more arduous. “I wish it was light,” he muttered. Then he revoked his wish. In the darkness and obscurity lay his hopes of escape.
“I’d give half this nugget if I was safe in San Francisco,” he said to himself. He stumbled on, occasionally forced by his fatigue to sit down and rest. “I hope I’m going in the right direction, but I don’t know,” he said to himself. He had been traveling with occasional rests for four hours when fatigue overcame him. He lay down to take a slight nap, but when he awoke the sun was up. “Good Heaven!” he exclaimed in alarm. “I must have slept for some hours. I will eat something to give me strength, and then I must hurry on.” He had taken the precaution to take some provisions with him, and he began to eat them as he hurried along. “They have just discovered their loss,” thought Hogan. “Will they follow me, I wonder? I must be a good twelve miles away, and this is a fair start. They will turn back before they have come as far as this. Besides, they won’t know in what direction I have come.” Hogan was mistaken in supposing himself to be twelve miles away. During the night he had traveled at disadvantage, and taken a round-about way without being aware of it. He reclines on the greensward near the edge of a precipitous descent. Hogan’s spaceship has drifted perilously close to a black hole. An alien shuttle is approaching the beleaguered space ship. Is help on the way?—GL Hogan wakes to find himself in bed with two beautiful women, the nugget nestled between them--QT STET all that, Alger had it right—RH He does not dream that danger is so close till he hears his name called. Hogan, starting to his feet in dismay, recognizes Crane and Peabody, two of his late comrades. EXT: woods, morning INT: spaceship INT: Russian sex club HOGAN, faltering “What do you want?” CRANE, dressed in black leather and spiked heels, sternly, pulling out a laser blaster and aiming it at Hogan pulling out a bullwhip and flicking it at Hogan “The nugget.” Hogan would have denied its possession if he could, but there it is, at his side. Gleaming in the starlight, the nugget, a priceless alien artifact—little does Hogan know that it’s also sentient…. The biggest chunk of rock methamphetamine ever seen, it gleams like a diamond in the rough… HOGAN “There it is.” CRANE licking her lips “What induced you to steal it?”
HOGAN “I couldn’t help it.” PEABODY (a green-blue alien with four arms, all of which are armed with various weapons pointed at Hogan)lolling on the bed, a finger idly drawn against the nugget, then licking it and sending Crane a lingering glance “It was a bad day’s work for you. Didn’t you know the penalty attached to theft in the mining-camps Russian’s sex club of Alpha-Centauri?” HOGAN “No, What is it?” PEABODY “Death by lashing hanging from the uvula of a carnosaur until its digestive acids dissolve your body.” HOGAN, face blanches, sinking on his knees before them. “Don’t let me be lashed hung! You’ve got the nugget back. I’ve done no harm. No one has lost anything by me.” CRANE “Eight of us have lost our time in pursuing you. You gave up the nugget because you were forced to.” Crane cracks her whip and Peabody climbs out of bed to join her. The two women soon loose interest in Hogan, who watches in admiration and wistful lust until he comes to his senses and uses the bullwhip to tie them up. Somehow the girls don’t seem to mind.The nugget begins to rock and roll closer to Hogan, as if to protect him from the other two—are those teeth forming from the nooks and crannies in the shiny stone? If so, they’re very, very sharp…. HOGAN “Mercy! Mercy! I’m a very unlucky man. I’ll go away and never trouble you again.” 77 “We don’t mean that you shall,” said Crane sternly. Blown by a brief gust of wind, a bit of brush tumbled through the pall between them and over the edge of the precipice. “The way I figure, there’s really not too much future with a sawed-off runt like you,” said Crane, producing a cord. “Say your prayers.” Then, to Peabody, “Tie his hands.” “I won’t go,” said Hogan, lying down, “I am not going back to be hung.” “Tut, tut. Such ingratitude after all the times I saved your life,” said Crane, sand in his voice.
“But this is murder!” faltered Hogan, with pallid lips. The air was still, beads of sweat dropped from his face. “Were you gonna die alone?” insisted Crane. He loomed toward Hogan, who now felt the full face of his situation. He scrambled back in a panic to the edge of the precipice, threw up his last meal and spun to face them. “What a dirty rotten trick of fate!” cried Hogan, and plunged headlong into the dry, heatdistorted void. It was done so quickly that neither of his captors was able to prevent him. The distortion rippled as Hogan fell through. They hurried to the precipice and looked over. Far below them, above the body broken on a rough rock, they missed the hapless and oceanless figure floating in mid-air, crushed and wretchedly composed. “Maybe just as well,” said Crane, grayly, “People with ropes around their necks don’t always hang.” Hogan, barely caring his death had been observed by Peabody and Crane, heard a trilled, high lonesome trumpet call. He answered, flatly. The nugget was restored to its owners, to whom Hogan’s tragic fate was told. “Poor bastard!” said Joe soberly. “I would rather have lost the nugget.” “So would I,” said Bickford. “He was a poor, witless hooplehead; but I’m sorry for him.” CHAPTER XXXIX: HOW JOE’S BUSINESS FARED Joe and Bickford arrived in San Francisco eight days later having successfully fended off the local whores and banditry. He had been absent less than three months, yet he found the place had changed for him. A considerable number of buildings had gone up in his absence, buildings that seemed wrong, somehow. 78 “It is a dangerous place,” said Joe to his companion. “It is going to be a great city some day.” MR. BICKFORD: It’s ahead of Pumpkin Holler already. though the Holler has been goin’ for over a hundred years. VOICEOVER: Hello, Joe. JOE (looking upward): What the --
VOICEOVER: It’s me, the writer of this story. JOE: The writer of this story? What are you doing here? I’m trying to contemplate the rapid progress of the new city. VOICEOVER: I’m just interjecting to note that you’re far from comprehending the magnificent future that lay before it. And to remind you that I’m the writer. JOE: First of all, how terribly condescending. And, second of all -- why in the name of Pumpkin Holler are you speaking to me? VOICEOVER: Because I once ascended to the roof of the Palace Hotel, and from this lofty elevation, a hundred and forty feet above the sidewalk, scanned with delighted eyes a handsome and substantial city, apparently the growth of a century, and including within its broad limits a population of three hundred thousand souls. JOE: Well, goody-goody for you! This is too weird! I’m off to my old place of business. WATSON: I am glad to see you, Joe, when did you arrive? JOE: Ten minutes ago. I would’ve been here sooner but the sky was... well... the writer was.... Never mind. How’s the biz? WATSON: Excellent. I have paid weekly your share of the profits to Mr. Morgan. JOE: Am I a millionaire yet? VOICEOVER: You know, Joe, It will not be many years before this city reaches half-a-million, and may fairly be ranked among the great cities of the world. JOE: Splendid. Just splendid. Don’t you have something else to, I don’t know, _write_? WATSON: Come again, Joe? JOE: Nothing -- no, nothing, just that... old sky-voice is back. WATSON: Well, sir, I beg to differ. And... You’ve made a tidy sum here. Are you satisfied? JOE (shouting at the ceiling): Any side comments, wise one? What’s going to happen in a hundred years? Will I get a pony someday? Will anyone ever turn lead into gold? Should I invest in the founding of the Anglo-Persian oil company? VOICEOVER: That’s up to you, Joe. It becomes BP -- big spill in 2010.
JOE (shouting louder): Up to me?! Nothing’s up to me -- you’re a writer, and I’m just a character stuck in your formulaic web of bootstraps! (Silence) JOE: Anything else? No? Can we get on with it? (To Watson, calmly) I have had excellent luck.79 “I don’t believe you bring home as much money as I have made for you here.” “You made it for me? I believe it was my hard work that brought you that money,” Joe challenged the man sitting in front of him. “Watch yourself Joe; you would not even have had that opportunity if it wasn’t for me giving you the assignments,” Watson growled, fingering the butt of his gun. “I made almost 5 million without your help,” Joe replied. “You double-crossed me?” Watson raised one eyebrow. “You do know what this means?” He waved a finger at Bickford. Bickford stood, pointing his gun at Joe. Suddenly he aimed it at Watson. Joe grinned. Watson showed no surprise. “So you have betrayed me as well.” “I was able to earn twice as much as what you pay me working with Joe. He treated me better too,” Bickford said. Watson stood, pulling out his gun and aiming at Bickford. “I have no qualms firing this gun.” Joe pulled out a gun from inside his suit vest and pointed it at Watson. “Shoot him and you die.” “Get this man!” Watson shouted to the guard standing at the door. “Sorry Mr. Watson,” the guard apologized, “I’m working for Mr. Joe now.” Watson sat back down. “I see the pupil has become the master. I have no choice but to surrender.” Joe put his gun back inside his jacket and gestured to Bickman. Bickman relaxed and lowered his arm. “I have no hard feelings toward you Watson. Your methods were just too antiquated for me. You refused to face the future, and were limiting your potential.” Watson looked defeated. “I guess after my wife was killed I had no interest in taking risks any longer. He looked up at Joe. “I suppose you will now take charge of your own business?”
Joe crossed the table to where Watson was sitting. Watson stood in alarm. Joe reached out his arms and hugged him. “Don’t be silly old man; I would be nowhere without you. I allow you to retain all of the rights and position that you had before. If I spent all my time running this business, I would get bored and fat.” The old man smiled. Watson was evidently elated at the prospect of continued employment of so remunerative a character.80 “You may depend upon it that your interests are safe in my hands,” said he. “I’m down with it. It’s in my interest, you know what I’m saying?” “Dude. I’m cool.” Joe went to Morgan. Morgan was all Hey, it’s you, my man! “You be at Watson’s?” he asked. “Das right.” “He tell you how, like, he roll, you know, when you gone? He righteous. He good, I’m saying.” “Dope.” “You done good, at the mines and all?” asked Mr. Morgan doubtfully. “You disbelieving me, man?” said Joe, smiling. “Well, yeah, man. Minin’ not like dealing. No guarantee. Know what I’m saying?” “I know, I know. But you forgettin’ something key.” “Yeah?” Mr. Bickford answered the question. “Joe got the luck.” “You lucky?” “How much you think I got?” “A grand?” “Five.” “You ballin, man. For real?” asked Mr. Morgan, incredulous. “Real.”
“You some big ups, man. An check dis.” “Yo.” “Dem lots you got, with the restaurant, you know. Shit’s double now.” “Bully for you, Joe!” exclaimed Mr. Bickford enthusiastically.81 “It never rains but it pours,” said Joe, quoting an old proverb. “I begin to think I shall be rich some time, Mr. Morgan.” “It seems very much like it.” “What would you advise me to do, Mr. Morgan--sell out the lots at the present advance?” “Hold on to them, Joe. Not only do that, but buy more. This is destined some day to be a great city. It has a favorable location, is the great mining center, and the State, I feel convinced, has an immense territory fit for agricultural purposes. Lots here may fluctuate, but they will go up a good deal higher than present figures.” “If you think so, Mr. Morgan, I will leave in your hands three thousand dollars for investment in other lots. This will leave me, including my profits from the business during my absence, nearly three thousand dollars more, which I shall take East and invest there.” “I will follow your instructions, Joe, and predict that your real estate investments will make you rich sooner than you think.” “Joe,” said Bickford, “I’ve a great mind to leave half of my money with Mr. Morgan to be invested in the same way.” “Do it, Mr. Bickford. That will leave you enough to use at home.” “Yes--I can buy a farm for two thousand dollars and stock it for five hundred more. Besides, I needn’t pay more than half down, if I don’t want to.” “A good plan,” said Joe. “Mr. Morgan, will you take my money and invest it for me just like Joe’s? Of course I want you to take a commission for doing it.” “With pleasure, Mr. Bickford, more especially as I have decided to open a real estate office in addition to my regular business. You and Joe will be my first customers. I shouldn’t wonder if the two or three thousand dollars you leave with me should amount in ten years to ten thousand.” “Ten thousand!” ejaculated Joshua, elated. “Won’t I swell round Pumpkin Holler when I’m worth ten thousand dollars!”
Days later, among the passengers by the steamer for Panama, were Joseph Mason and Joshua Bickford. CHAPTER XL: JOE’S WELCOME HOME On arriving in New York both Joe and Mr. Bickford bought new suits of clothes. Mr. Bickford purchased a blue dress suit, resplendent with brass buttons, and a gold watch and chain, which made a good deal of show for the money. His tastes were still barbaric, and a quiet suit of black would not have come up to his idea of what was befitting a successful California miner. He surveyed himself before the tailor’s glass with abundant satisfaction. “I guess that’ll strike ‘em at home, eh, Joe?” he said. “You look splendid, Mr. Bickford.” “Kinder scrumptious, don’t I? I say, Joe, you’d better have a suit made just like this.” Joe shuddered at the thought. In refinement of taste he was decidedly ahead of his friend and partner. “I’m going to buy a second-hand suit,” he said. “What!” ejaculated Joshua. Joe smiled. “I knew you’d be surprised, but I’ll explain. I want people to think that I have been unlucky.” “Oh, I see,” said Joshua, nodding; “kinder take ‘em in.” “Just so, Mr. Bickford.” “Well, there is something in that.” “Then I shall find out who my true friends are.” “Just so.” It is not my purpose to describe Mr. Bickford’s arrival in Pumpkin Hollow, resplendent in his new suit. Joshua wouldn’t have changed places with the President of the United States on that day. His old friends gathered about him, and listened open-mouthed to his stories of mining life in California and his own wonderful exploits, which lost nothing in the telling. He found his faithful Susan unmarried, and lost no time in renewing his suit. He came, he saw, he conquered! In four weeks Susan became Mrs. Bickford, her husband became the owner of the farm he coveted, and he at once took his place among the prominent men of Pumpkin Hollow. In a few years he was appointed justice of the peace, and became known as Squire Bickford. It may be as well to state here, before taking leave of him, that his real estate investments in San Francisco
proved fortunate, and in ten years he found himself worth ten thousand dollars. This to Joshua was a fortune, and he is looked upon as a solid man in the town where he resides. We now turn to Joe. Since his departure nothing definite had been heard of him. Another boy had taken his place on Major Norton’s farm, but he was less reliable than Joe. “I am out of patience with that boy. I wish I had Joe back again.” “Have you heard anything of Joe since he went away?” inquired Oscar. “Not a word.” “Joe’s proud--poor and proud!” said Oscar. “I guess he’s wished himself back, but he’s too proud. I dare say he’s had a hard time and would be humbler now,” said Oscar. At this moment a knock was heard at the door, and just afterward Joe entered. He wore a mixed suit considerably the worse for wear and patched in two or three places. There was a rip under the arm, and his hat, a soft felt one, had become shapeless from long and apparently hard usage. He stood in the doorway, waiting for recognition. “How do you do, Joe?” said Major Norton cordially. “I am glad to see you.” Joe’s face lighted up. “Thank you, sir,” he said. Joe couldn’t help feeling nostalgic for the fine punishment he’d received at the Major’s knee. “Shake hands, Joe.” Eyes lowered, (some habits die hard) he did. Major Norton was mean but he had something of the gentleman about him. “How are you, Oscar?” Joe asked his old rival, more out of politeness than interest. “I’m well,” said Oscar. “Have you been to California?” “Yes.” “You don’t seem to have made your fortune,” said Oscar bitchily, eyeing Joe’s worn leather pants. “I haven’t starved,” said Joe, flexing his newly toned biceps. “Where did you get that charming little outfit?” asked Oscar, clearly jealous of the way the younger man filled out his clothes. “I hope you’ll excuse my appearance,” said Joe.
“Well, Joe, do you want to come back to your old place?” asked Major Norton. “I’ve got a boy, but he doesn’t suit me.” Joe could tell that the major was thinking of how much he’d enjoyed Joe’s training, and how obedient the boy had been by the time he left. “How much would you be willing to pay me, Major Norton?” The major coughed, and raised an eyebrow. “Well,” said he, “I gave you your board and clothes before. That’s pretty good pay for a boy.” “I’m older now.” Said Joe, and looked up through his thick eyelashes in a way he knew the Major liked. “I’ll do the same by you, Joe, and give you fifty cents a week besides.” “Thank you for the offer, Major Norton. I’ll take tonight to think about it.” “You’d better accept it now,” said Oscar. “Beggars shouldn’t be choosers.” “I am not a beggar, Oscar,” said Joe mildly, thinking of the string of lovely boys waiting for a turn in Master Joe’s playroom back in San Francisco. “You look like one, anyway,” said Oscar bluntly, and then under his breath, “tired old fish”. “Oscar,” said Major Norton, “if Joe has been unlucky, you shouldn’t throw it in his teeth.”82 “He went off expecting to make his fortune,” said Oscar, in an exulting tone. “He looks as if he had made it. Where are you going?” “Just, uh, going to look about the village a little. Stroll around, you know. Eat some gruel at the old poorhouse. Cause, heh heh, I’m poor…Later.” After Joe beat it out of there, Oscar started singing, to the tune of the Hendrix song: “Heeeey, Joe. Where you going with that grime on your hands.” Oscar erupted in laughter at his friend’s misfortune. In the public restrooms of the village park, Joe ran into Annie Raymond. “Why Joe!” Annie shrieked, coming out of a stall. “Is it really you?” “Jesus, Annie!” yelled Joe, with his back to her. He was peeing. “What are you doing in the men’s room?”
“Same as you,” she said, leaning her elbow on the adjacent urinal. “The line for the women’s was horrendous! God really should have let Adam keep his rib and given us a bigger bladder.” The circumstances of this conversation were making it difficult for Joe to urinate. So he pretended to finish and walked outside with Annie to a nearby Starbuck’s, where they sat to catch up. In between sips of his Mocha Frap, Joe kept looking over at the vacant restroom. “How have you been, Joe?” Annie said, staring awkwardly at the gaping hole in Joe’s shirt, which exposed a nipple. “You seem to be, uh, struggling in this economic climate.” “You could say that,” said Joe, re-crossing his legs, trying not to imagine waterfalls. “Do you think less of me?” “No,” said Annie, her upper lip still curled. “I am interested in you. Not in your awful, smelly, disgusting clothes.” “That’s sweet of you.” “I’ve always thought you deserved success. I was just saying to my friend Martha the other day, ‘That Joe, he really deserves a big mansion. With one of those big fountains out front which gushes water in flowing arcs that splash back into a waiting pool…!’” Suddenly, Joe leapt from the table into the bathroom, where he locked the door behind him and relieved himself with a soul-shuddering sigh. When he reemerged he told Annie the truth about his rags: they were a put-on for Oscar Norton’s benefit. “I’ve actually been very successful in business.” “How successful?” Annie’s eyes widened. “Very,” said Joe. “I just wanted to see how old Oscar would receive me. He evidently rejoiced at my bad fortune.” Annie reached her hand across the table. “You must come to our house for dinner.” “Thank you,” said Joe. “But let me go back to the hotel and change my clothes.” “I don’t know. This look is growing on me. Kind of shabby chic.” Annie’s eyes wandered back to Joe’s exposed nipple. This made him self-conscious. “Later,” said Joe, hurrying out.
Joe went to the hotel, took off his ragged clothes, put on a new and stylish suit which he recently had made for him, donned a gold watch and chain, and hat in the latest style, and thus dressed, his natural good looks were becomingly set off.83 “How do I look now?” he asked, when he met Miss Annie Raymond at her own door. “Oh, Joe,” she said, a little breathless at the sight of his dapper suit, his fresh haircut. ”I thought you were a young swell from the city.” No doubt Joe would be all hers eventually, but in the meantime, it was time for a little fun. “Suppose we walk over to Major Norton’s and see Oscar,” she suggested, her voice husky with desire. “Just what I wanted to propose,” Joe said, his sly wink conveying all she needed to know. They strolled to where Oscar crouched in the yard, clippers to hand, transforming his father’s staid hemlocks into fanciful shapes: ears of corn, bratwursts, cigars. “You see I’ve come again, Oscar,” said Joe, smiling knowingly. Oscar looked Joe up. And down. And up. And down again. “I thought you were poor,” he uttered, at last. “I have had better luck than you thought.” “I suppose you spent all your money for those clothes.” Oscar, clippers cast aside now, reached out his hand to stroke Joe’s silk-clad arm, lingering at his elbow a while. “Is that Burberry? Did you buy that retail?” “I am not so foolish. In the big city, we have these things called sample sales. You can dress like this for pennies on the dollar.” “It isn’t possible!” exclaimed Oscar. “I saw that same suit in GQ last month for $1000. Don’t tell me you bought it off the rack.” Joe spun and strutted, praising his tailor all the while, and Oscar complimented the glint of Joe’s jeweled cufflinks, the way his new suit cupped his shapely buttocks, the break of his pinstriped trousers against the well-turned ankles Oscar remembered fondly from those laboring days. Annie just lit a cigarette and took it all in. Hot nights, small town, old nemeses—all the ingredients for a threesome. It was going to be a good summer after all. As for Oscar, he became very attentive to our hero. Very attentive indeed. But fancies, like dewy haze, burn off under the glare of summer sun. As often happens, Annie spent the summer playing referee rather than offense or defense. Nor could Oscar’s dreams of romance and ballet season tickets come true. He was young yet, after all, and he was still in thrall to the Major’s purse strings. He wanted to go back to California with Joe, but his father would not consent.84
When Joe returned to San Francisco, by advice of Mr. Morgan he sold out his restaurant to Watson and took charge of Mr. Morgan’s real estate business. He rose with the rising city, became a very rich man, and now lives in a handsome residence on one of the hills that overlook the bay. He has an excellent wife--our old friend, Annie Raymond--and a fine family of children. His domestic happiness is by no means the smallest part of Joe’s luck. THE END
David Rapp is a writer living in New York City. Rapp remixed the passage that lasted from the phrase “In this emergency” until the phrase “Joe flushed with anger.” For the rest of the novel, a bolded phase signals the start of a new remix passage. The endnote (complete with author bio) signals the end of a particular author’s passage.
Mary Guterson is the author of the novels “We Are All Fine Here,” (Putnam, 2005) and “Gone to the Dogs,” (St. Martin’s, 2009)
Tara O’Donnell is also known as Lady T at her pop culture blog Living Read Girl and yes, the title is loosely based on the Rob Zombie song. She is also an aspiring author who hopes to become the ultimate paperback writer of her time.
Gregor Singleton lives in Richmond, VA and is writing. And sometimes that’s enough.
Amy Farris-Stojsavljevic is a writer and editor in Las Vegas. She is the owner and principal of AdVerbum Communications and specializes in creating content for video games, mobile apps and consumer electronics. You can reach Amy at Twitter.com/AdVerbumComm.
This remix was entitled “What the Dickens, Joe?” by Sarah E. Caldwell. Caldwell is a publicist for Princeton University Press by day and a writer/actress/ghost tour guide/half-marathoner by night. She has thoroughly enjoyed her first "pro" remixing experience and hopes to be a repeat offender.
Jason Boog is the publishing editor at mediabistro.com. His work has appeared in Granta, Salon.com, and The Believer. This passage was remixed by Jamie Mollart using William Burroughs’ cut up technique. Jamie Mollart is a writer based in Leicester, England. His short stories and articles have been published in a number of magazines around the country and he is working on a novel. He is a regular panelist on Litopia After Dark, the world’s largest podcast for writers. Elizabeth Gokey has a BS in Comparative Literature and Social Welfare. Combing those fields has given her a special hatred of Horatio Alger and his boot-straps; therefore she has taken great joy messing with this work. Sumit Dam lives, works and fails to sleep in London. He writes short stories about musical penises, military cats and quantum mechanics. You can read many of these stories at http://www.sumitsays.com.
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Peter Anderson has published stories in over twenty journals and is also the dubious owner of too many novels-in-progress. He lives and writes in Joliet, Illinois.
“This passage was entitled “Horatio Alger and the Chocolate Factory” by Stan Friedman, a research librarian and freelance poet/critic/hack in New York City. He holds an MFA from Columbia and his criticism appears regularly in Publishers Weekly. His ebook novel, God’s Gift To Women, will be published in Fall 2010 by Scott & Nix, Inc. The officer, a man of alarming girth and completely devoid of hair and humor, closed his eyes in despair. What’s wrong with people today? he thought. This idiot thinks he can just board my ship willynilly without a ticket. Some other man bought a ticket with his money? Does this addle-pated youngster think that I’ve just fallen off the turnip truck? But now the officer’s mind drifted. Ignoring the hubbub and
blather roiling about him, he started thinking about Millie. Ah, Millie.... Millie with hair like a sunset, Millie with the neck of a gazelle, Millie with the thirty-four yapping Pomeranian dogs... If only she hadn’t undertaken the task of rewriting Ancient Egyptian for the Deaf he’d be a happier man today. Suddenly the officer was startled out of his reverie by the arrival of two young men chattering inanely. Tonight, he was certain, it would be laudanum or the window. (Footnote by Meryl Gross)
This remixed passage was entitled Horatio Alger Versus David Foster Wallace (or, Applying the David Foster Wallace Footnote Technique) by Meryl Gross’ background and training is in the fine arts (mostly sculpture) which is how she came to be the associate managing editor of a large science fiction/fantasy imprint of some repute. Dorothy Distefano is a Word Mercenary from western New York. It makes her happy to beat words into submission on a daily basis in the freelance writing world. Blog: http://wotvfreelancingontheverge.blogspot.com/ Beverly Magid, whose first novel is FLYING OUT OF BROOKLYN, lives in Los Angeles, although she is still a New Yorker at heart. When not re-writing Horatio Alger, sheis completing the first draft of her second book.
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This passage is entitled “The Randy Jackson Rewrite” by Sophia Dembling. Sophia Dembling is the author of The Yankee Chick’s Survival Guide to Texas.
Layli Whyte is a Jersey Girl through and through, despite roaming around the globe a bit. One of these days she is going to finish a novel of her very own. Marianne Edwards is a writer and web entrepreneur who will soon be launching an open creativity competition with a big fat prize. For details email email@example.com
Aside from writing novels, screenplays and short stories, Dean Clayton Edwards‘ interests include painting and drawing, music and dreams. He lives in London with his wife and daughter, as well as an Egyptian Longdog and a Japanese Shitita.
This remix is entitled “Horatio Alger as Soviet Propaganda” by Joanie Conwell, who lives in North Carolina. She can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.
This passage is entitled “Horatio Alger Just Wants to Have Fun” by Amy Chulik who isn’t afraid to quote “Girls Just Want to Have Fun” quotes to random strangers while sporting leg warmers and listening to Wham!. She’s a writer and editor living in Chicago.
Kim is a writer.
Dr. Ellen Dowling used to teach Shakespeare to cadets at Texas A&M University, but now she teaches Chinese MBA students how to speak the speech trippingly on the tongue (as a visiting professor at Peking University, Beijing). She is president of her own communication skills training firm, based outside of Albuquerque, New Mexico.
Alecia Burke covered the antics of the U.S. Congress for eight years as a political journalist. She now writes for actual children.
Candice Hazlett is the author of A New Skin a collection of original poetry available on www.lulu.com/CandiceHazlett. She lives in La Verne, CA with her dog Schnappi and her cat Lily. Doug Mack is a freelance writer based in Minneapolis, with a digital home at www.douglasmack.net. He is working on a book about his attempt to tour Europe guided only by a 1963 copy of Europe on Five Dollars a Day.
Ben H. Winters is a writer who lives in Brooklyn with all the other writers.
Brandon is twenty-eight years old and currently resides in Tampa, Florida. He blogs occasionally at http://www.brandonvon.com/. Jody Retro edited this page. During her editorial career, Retro has worked with Jack Sparrow, SpiderMan, Bugs Bunny, Harry Potter, Mickey Mouse, and Robin, the Boy Wonder. She’s contemplating pitching a mash-up idea involving all of the above, but as shape-shifting, zombie-ghost werewolves.
This remix is entitled “Homer vs. Homer” by E. R. Catalano, who has published short stories in the 2004 Robert Olen Butler Prize Stories anthology from Del Sol Press, Upstreet, and Swink. She lives in Brooklyn, New York. Her recently completed novel, Becoming the Girl Detective, could use an agent.
Nona Dominguez remixed her page in iambic pentameter. Dominguez is a grandmother who is determined to continue learning until her last breath. She lives in San Dimas with her amazingly helpful husband, Angel, and her two doggies, Pixel and Dot.
This section is entitled “Glengarry Glen Joe” by Bill Peschel, the author of the upcoming “Writers Gone Wild: The Feuds, Frolics, and Follies of Literature’s Great Adventurers, Drunkards, Lovers, Iconoclasts and Misanthropes” (Penguin, 2010). Danielle Bullen wrote her first story at age four and had been writing ever since. She’s a marketing professional and freelance writer from the Philadelphia area.
Gavin St. Ours writes short fiction and novels. He lives in Baltimore, Maryland. R. J. Allen lives in Brooklyn. You can check out her blog at TV Killed the Dinosaurs.
A Michael Knepper is equal parts “On White II,” crisp midfield play in soccer, and the whole tone scale, served warm. This remix was entitled “Horatio Alger in Oz” by Laura Hill, who has enjoyed an illustrious career writing anything and everything from cheesy ads to historic documentaries aired in such illustrious places as the History Channel.
This remix was written by Laura Benedict in the manner of P.G. Wodehouse. Laura Benedict is the author of Isabella Moon and Calling Mr. Lonely Hearts. She also edits the Surreal South anthology series with her husband, Pinckney Benedict.
Greta Bishop owns and operates Bishop Literary Service in the Phoenix/Sun City area. She edits, revises and proofs both fiction and non-fiction manuscripts, and also ghostwrites.
Lisa Lee was a columnist for the cultural studies magazine, AsianWeek, and currently contributes to HYPHEN magazine --nominated for the 2010 Utne Indie Press Award. She now works for PBS, running an art & design business (TheNormalStudio.blogspot.com) in Northern California.
Laura Di Giovine works in the publishing industry and is also a freelance editor and writer. She currently lives in Italy and blogs about her experiences at www.chasingcappuccinos.com.
This passage is entitled “Horatio Alger via Kafka” by Noel Ambery II, a writer of fiction and essays. He has been published in newspapers, magazines, and anthologies, including The Indianapolis News, Genre, and The Hartford Courant. This entry is entitled “Horatio Alger and Little Women” by Erin M. Blakemore, (www.erinblakemore.com), a San Diego expatriate, writes and works in Boulder, Colorado. Her first book, The Heroine’s Bookshelf, will appear from HarperCollins this fall.
Viccy Adams is addicted to reading fiction, drinking tea, and scribbling notes on any paper or paperrelated product close to hand when an idea comes into her head. She can be contacted via www.vsadams.co.uk This remix is entitled “Horatio Alger Sonnets” by Roheeni Saxena, a young poet working out of Washington, DC. Her work typically explores themes of mutability and transience, as well as her experiences as the daughter of Indian immigrants. She can be reached at roheeni.saxena(at)gmail.com.
Jason Lea is a crime reporter for The News-Herald and one of the writers on its book blog, thenhbookclub.blogspot.com
Stephen Aubrey is a Brooklyn-based writer and theater maker.
Terri Saul, a 38-year-old artist and writer, lives in Berkeley, California where she works as a freelance PR assistant, marketing maven and journalist. Her online pseudonym is Sister Rye. Heather Holley is a former NYC TV news producer who has been kidnapped is being held in the South. She hopes to find her inner Flannery O’Connor while she’s down here. “This remix is entitled “Onegin Stanzas” by Chris Cosner, a writer who lives in the SF Bay area Zachary Petit (zacharypetit.com) is a writer and editor based in the Midwest.
Sparky (Jenny Sparks) is a freelance game developer who has written for Gamasutra, Game Developer, and Computer Games Magazine (RIP). She always ends up dying of dysentery. This entry was entitled “King’s Country” by Elizabeth Keenan. Elizabeth Keenan is a publicity director at a major publisher and a writer in her spare time (which is why she hasn't gotten very much done as far as finishing her first book). What she has completed has been anthologized in Living on the Edge of the World (Touchstone Fireside) and online in the NY Inquirer among others. She can be reached on Elizabethkeenan [at] gmail [dot] com.
Alexandra Lozano enjoys blogging, reading V.C. Andrews novels and hanging out with her cat Dora. She is pretty awesome, but not as awesome as her friend Ryan, check him out at www.ryandelapp.com.
Keir Graff is the author of four novels, including the forthcoming The Price of Liberty. By day, he is the senior editor of Booklist Online.
Kevin Maurer is a writer in North Carolina. He has never tweeted in his life, but has on occasion watched a redband trailer and plays Fantasy Football. In her last life, Marilynn Byerly was a Twain scholar, but these days, she writes award-winning paranormal romance, science fiction romance, and romantic suspense. Visit her at www.marilynnbyerly.com.
Christina Solazzo is a managing editor at a children’s publisher.
Jennifer Jones is a person of dubious substance. She writes books for young audiences with little discernable theme or moral directive. Predictably, Ms. Jones is fond of fluffy kittens, funnel cake, and indie rock. Carol Cofone, brand strategist, advertising copywriter, proprietor of www.poeandco.net, and Rounders repurposer.
Kristin Thiel writes fiction, reviews books, and snaps together, unsnaps, and re-snaps words as an editor at www.indigoediting.com. This entry is entitled “OMFG : Little J’s Luck.” It was written by Helen Gregg.
This remix was written by Lindsey Cline Sutton, in Alger’s local tongue (he was from Boston) of today & rhyme. Sutton is a film production graduate from USC Film & TV School. She hopes to grow up and be a screenwriter one day, but today she’s www.unemployedunknownscreenwriter.com.
“Ruben is an unexperienced writer but a lifelong reader. He appreciates all comments on twitter, at @mr_ruben.”
Lisa Fernow writes a tango mystery series, and is currently looking for an agent. Her first book, Dead on Her Feet, introduces Ant Blakely, a tango instructor who must solve the murder of a gold-digger who has been stabbed in the middle of a dance.
This remix was written by Wythe Marschall with the sensibility of Howard P. Lovecraft. Marschall lives in Brooklyn, New York. His work has appeared in McSweeney’s Quarterly Concern, Ninth Letter, Salt Hill, The Brooklyn Review, and elsewhere. For more, visit Wythe’s website: http://chronolect.com. Duane Swierczynski wrote this entry entitled “Horatio Alger Confidential,” asking himself, What Would James Ellroy Do? Swierczynski is the author of Expiration Date, out now from St. Martin’s Minotaur, and a writer for Marvel Comics.
This entry is entitled “Schrödinger’s Bear” by Paul K. Tunis--who is trouble. He received his MFA in fiction from Sarah Lawrence. The theme of this exploration was ‘can we make Joe’s Luck make less sense if we bend the meaning and mix the words ?’. The answer is; Perhaps not. This remix was offered to you by Victoria Griesdoorn. Enduring Wales - plenty of rain and other amusements. Sorry, I meant endearing.
Richard Melo wrote this entry entitled “Fear and Loathing on the Horatio Alger Trail.” Melo is the author of Jokerman 8, a novel of the American environmental movement. His writing and book reviews have appeared in The Believer, The Oregonian, and Publishers Weekly. Art Tirrell (1941) lives in a small town on the shore of Lake Ontario in upstate New York. The published author of two novels, he enjoys writing character driven adventure with generous dashes of romance. Richard Santos wrote this entry, “Always Wide Awake by Jim Thompson.” Santos is from Texas, but lives in Washington, DC. He spends a lot of time sitting on his front porch, and it’s possible he’s there right now. His writing and paperclip people can be found at www.paperclippeople.blogspot.com Mel Neet is fighting her way up from office slavery to mine her chances as a freelance writer and editor. Her play, SATELLITE, is receiving a staged reading later in 2010.
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This remix was produced by Susan Hubbard and Jack Kerouac Hubbard has published seven books of fiction, most recently THE SEASON OF RISKS (Simon & Schuster, 2010). She teaches creative writing at the University of Central Florida. Sara DeGonia is an editorial and media coordinator for AMMO Books in Los Angeles.
This passage envisioned the page as a shooting script that went through the hands of three directors: George Lucas, Quentin Tarantino, and Ron Howard. As a pediatric ER doctor, CJ Lyons has lived the life she writes about in her cutting edge suspense novels. Her books include the Angels of Mercy series (LIFELINES, WARNING SIGNS, and URGENT CARE) Contact her at http://www.cjlyons.net
Ben Speaker is an editor who lives in Bushwick, Brooklyn. He likes strange stories that tackle big ideas.
Lindsay Muscato is a Chicago-based writer; visit her at www.lindsayliveshere.org.
Brenda Priddy is a freelance writer and owner of the writing company Archstone Business Solutions. She hopes to one day have her own stories published.
Kelly A. Harrison is a writer living in San Jose, CA. She teaches English at San Jose State and is finishing a novel.
Mary Ann Locke is just some girl from Alabama. No, she was not abused as a child. In this emergency…
Mikael Awake‘s work has appeared in Callaloo, McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, Monkeybicycle.net, and FADER.com and is forthcoming in Witness. Norah Piehl is a freelance writer, editor, and book reviewer who lives outside Boston. Her essays and fiction have appeared on NPR, in literary magazines Shaking Like a Mountain and Literary Mama, and in numerous print anthologies.
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