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The Hogfather

Adapted By Vadim Jean & Terry Pratchett


Transcribed by Zoe Thornton

Based on the Discworld novels, written by Terry Pratchett

Address
Phone Number

EXT. COTTAGE ROOF - NIGHT


HIGH ANGLE - CAMERA 1 - TILT
Albert crawls into the chimney to look down, calling to
DEATH.
ALBERT
Have you got the list?
CUT TO:
INT. COTTAGE - MOMENTS LATER
LOW ANGLE - CAMERA 2 - FOCUS
Camera focuses on the stove, which shakes a little
DEATH
This is really, really stupid.
BACK TO
EXT. COTTAGE ROOF - CONTINUOUS
WS - CAMERA 1 - FOCUS
ALBERT
I think the tradition got started
when everybody had them big
chimneys, Master.
Albert starts to slip down the roof, clinging onto the
chimney.
BACK TO
INT. COTTAGE - CONTINUOUS
MID SHOT - CAMERA 2 - PAN
The top of the stove comes off and a gloved hand pokes out,
feeling around.
DEATH
Indeed, it's only mercy it's unlit.
DEATH frees himself from the stove. Albert calls down at him
from the roof, as sounds of him scrambling to stay on the
roof increase.
ALBERT
It's freezing brass monkey's up
here!

BACK TO
EXT. COTTAGE ROOF - CONTINUOUS
Albert is slipping even more and cries out in distress.
BACK TO
INT. COTTAGE - CONTINUOUS
MID SHOT - CAMERA 2 - FOLLOW
Sounds of thuds heard from inside corresponding to the
camera tilting down shows that Albert has fallen off the
roof. The door opens and Albert moves into the room,
huffing. He walks over to where DEATH stands, reading a
present list.
DEATH
... The boy wants a pair of
trousers he doesn't have to
share... A huge meat pie... A sugar
mouse... A lot of toys and a puppy
called Scruff...
ALBERT
Ah, how sweet! I shall wipe away a
tear! 'Cos what he's getting, see,
is this little wooden toy and an
apple.
DEATH
But the letter clearly...
ALBERT
I know, but it's the socioeconomic
factors. I mean, the world would be
in a hell of a mess if everybody
got what they asked for.
DEATH
...I gave them what they wanted in
the store?
ALBERT
Yeah, well, what good is a God that
gives you everything that you want?
DEATH
You have me there.
ALBERT
Ah, Well, it's the hope!
(MORE)

3
ALBERT (CONT'D)
That's important.
Albert moves to sit down at the wooden table.
CUT IN - CAMERA 1 - FOCUS
ALBERT
...It's a big part of belief, is
the hope.
PUSH IN - CAMERA 2 - AERIAL
ALBERT (CONT'D)
I mean, say if you gave people jam
today and they'd just sit there and
eat it, wouldn't they? But jam
tomorrow, ah no! That'll keep them
going forever!
Death walks over and sits down as well.
TWO SHOT - CAMERA 2 - FOCUS
DEATH
And you mean that because of this,
that the Poor get poor things and
the Rich get rich things?
TWO SHOT - CAMERA 1 - FOCUS
ALBERT
Well, yeah... That's the meaning of
Hogswatch, isn't Master, eh?
TWO SHOT - CAMERA 2 - FOCUS
DEATH
But I'm the Hogfather!
A slight, awkward pause as Albert looks up at DEATH.
DEATH (CONT'D)
...At the moment, I mean.

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