ZEN O' CLOCK

"Pilot"
By
Tim Aucoin

taucoin@gmail.com
780-838-5056
aucoinink.ca

© Copyright

ACT ONE
A tv plays the news. The REPORTER gives us the lowdown.
REPORTER
World renowned self-help guru Zig
Zuckerman, who's book "The Path to
Zenlightenment" crushed records for
weeks on the New York Times
bestseller list, died suddenly last
night-We pull back.
EXT. ELECTRONICS STORE - DAY
The tv’s amongst many on display. Each give similar reports:
BRITISH REPORTER
--multi-billion self-help mogul Zig
Zuckerman's tragic death has
shocked the world-Another tv:
MTV VJ
--and hopefully the Biebs can
bounce back from this latest
embarrassment. BOY, that kid just
keeps screwing up! In other news,
Zig Zuckerman has been found dead
in his Beverly Hills mansion-We move below the window, where a HOBO begs for change, an
alarm clock in his lap.
Move toward the clock, hold on the time as we...
MATCH FADE TO:
INT. JOBLOTECH OFFICE - SAME
...the time again, now displayed on a computer monitor.
We move up to HAMPTON CROSS, 31, tie loosened, his usual
coiffed hair a mess. He works on something important at his
computer.
MARSHALL (O.S.)
Brometheus.
His friend and co-worker MARSHALL, 28, casually sits in the
cubicle across from him.

Zen O'Clock

"Pilot"

2.

MARSHALL (CONT’D)
Beers after work?
HAMPTON
Yeah no.
MARSHALL
But it's Friday.
HAMPTON
(pointing at screen)
I’ll be busting my ass on this all
weekend.
MARSHALL
Get some sleep this weekend too.
You look like shit.
HAMPTON
Thanks. Dickface.
MARSHALL
Eat me.
MR. JOBLONOWSKI (O.S.)
Cross?
Hampton turns to his boss, MR. JOBLONOWSKI, late 50's.
HAMPTON
Yes?
MR. JOBLONOWSKI
Gotta minute?
HAMPTON
Sure thing.
As Hampton follows Joblonowski, Marshall mimes the “blow job”
motion at him. Hampton covertly gives him the finger.
INT. CORNER OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER
The office's floor to ceiling windows give us a great view of
the concrete jungle far below. Hampton and Joblonowski enter.
MR. JOBLONOWSKI
This could all be yours.
Hampton approaches the desk. It's large enough to smuggle a
small Mexican family inside.

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"Pilot"

3.

MR. JOBLONOWSKI (CONT'D)
Go on. Smell it.
HAMPTON
Sorry?
MR. JOBLONOWSKI
The desk. Take a whiff.
Hampton bends over to breath in it’s wondrousness.
MR. JOBLONOWSKI (CONT'D)
That's 100 percent oak, son.
HAMPTON
It's very nice, sir.
MR. JOBLONOWSKI
Please, call me Jerry.
HAMPTON
Okay, Jerry.
MR. JOBLONOWSKI
Actually, let’s just keep calling
me “sir” until I see how you do on
Monday.
HAMPTON
Okay. Sir.
MR. JOBLONOWSKI
(looking at watch)
Almost lunch. Time flies.
The wall clock reads 10:05.
EXT. OFFICE BUILDING - LATER
Actual lunch time. Hampton and Marshall eat sandwiches on a
bench.
MARSHALL
You think Jessica’ll give you time
of day if you get the promotion?
HAMPTON
Hopefully.
MARSHALL
(holding up pinky finger)
Dude, that girl has you wrapped.

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"Pilot"

4.

HAMPTON
(ala Office Space)
Yeeeaaah, I’m gonna hafta go ahead
and tell you to shut up now.
MARSHALL
Yeeeaaah.
HAMPTON
Yeeeeeaaaaaaahhh...
Their joking is interrupted by a GONG!
VOICE (O.S)
True happiness comes from within!
HAMPTON
What was that?
MARSHALL
(pointing)
Think it came from where Albino
Jones sits.
They walk up to the hobo from earlier, who we now know as
ALBINO JONES, 60’s.
MARSHALL (CONT’D)
‘Sup, AJ?
ALBINO JONES
Got the crabs again. Spare change?
MARSHALL
Where’d you get that clock?
ALBINO JONES
Same place I got crabs, the trash.
Duh.
The alarm’s empty box is next to Jones. Hampton picks it up.
We see the calm and smiling face of ZIG ZUCKERMAN, late 40’s.
A quote underneath: "Start each day on your Path to
Zenlightenment."
The clock isn't anything special, save for a digital happy
face on the display.
HAMPTON
What’s this?

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"Pilot"

5.

Hampton presses a button called "Zenlighten Me.” The happy
face turns into a heart. GONG!
VOICE (O.S)
Do not try to reform or teach
anyone, it is enough by changing
yourself.
HAMPTON
Nice.
(to AJ)
How much you want for it?
ALBINO JONES
One million dollars.
HAMPTON
I’ve give you two bucks.
ALBINO JONES
(licking lips)
Throw in the rest of that sammich
and you gotta deal, hombre.
HAMPTON
(opening wallet)
Done.
The transaction is made.
MARSHALL
We should probs head back to the
office.
HAMPTON
Thanks, AJ.
ALBINO JONES
Spare change?
HAMPTON
I just gave you some money.
ALBINO JONES
Spent it.
HAMPTON
Yeah right.
As they walk back inside Marshall looks at Hampton.

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6.

HAMPTON (CONT’D)
I needed a new alarm.
(another look)
He was right there.
MARSHALL
Don’t come crying if it gives you
gonorrhea or something.
They enter their building.
Albino Jones gets up and walks down an alley to a shopping
cart filled with more ZEN CLOCKS.
INT. HAMPTON'S CONDO - NIGHT
Like the front page of an Ikea catalogue: white upholstery,
shelves full of unread books, 60" LED tv with full
entertainment centre. It’s the tits.
Hampton comes in and puts the clock on the kitchen counter.
Sees his laptop; he’ll be spending a lot of time with that
this weekend.
INT. HAMPTON'S CONDO - BATHROOM - LATER
A bubble bath is drawn. Lights dimmed, a single lit candle
sits on the side of the tub.
Hampton enters in his robe. Plugs the clock into the sink
outlet.
The robe drops to the floor. Hampton pulls the clock over to
the bath as he gets in. Just before the clock reaches tub --- it unplugs.
INT. HAMPTON'S CONDO - BATHROOM - MOMENTS LATER
Hampton's found an extension. He's back in the tub. Holds the
clock over the water. Takes a deep breath...
HAMPTON
(quietly)
You fucking pussy...
...and puts the clock down on the side of the tub.
VOICE (O.S)
You made the right choice.
HAMPTON
Shit!

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7.

He almost knocks the clock in the bath by accident. Now THAT
would’ve been ironic!
HAMPTON (CONT'D)
Who said that?
VOICE (O.S)
I did.
He jumps out of the tub and re-robes.
HAMPTON
Where are you?!
VOICE (O.S)
Right here!
Can it be? No way. The voice comes from the alarm clock!
HAMPTON
You're in my clock?
VOICE (O.S.)
I am your clock!
HAMPTON
Yeah right. Who put you up to this?
VOICE (O.S)
No jokes, man.
INT. HAMPTON'S CONDO - CONTINUOUS
Hampton comes out, places the clock on the kitchen counter.
HAMPTON
What do you mean you are my clock?
VOICE (O.S.)
I'm trapped inside!
Hampton SLAPS himself.
VOICE (O.S.) (CONT'D)
You’re not dreaming.
SLAPS again. Much harder.
VOICE (O.S.) (CONT'D)
I'm not playing around here!
One more SLAP for good measure.

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8.

VOICE (O.S.) (CONT'D)
Okay can you stop slapping
yourself? That looks painful.
HAMPTON
I need a drink.
VOICE (O.S.)
I'll take a Makers Mark. Up.
(beat)
J/K.
Hampton pops a pill before pouring himself a healthy glass of
whiskey at his mini-bar.
HAMPTON
Soooo who are you?
VOICE (O.S.)
Hmm, how should I put this?
(beat)
I know. Turn on the tube, friend.
Hampton flicks on the tv.
REPORTER (O.S.)
--funeral for Zig Zuckerman is set
to take place in the same ancient
Chinese temple that inspired him to
teach the world-CLICK.
ANOTHER REPORTER (O.S)
--Zuckerman's star studded funeral.
Rumors are Oprah, Obama and Beyonce
will be in attendance-He turns it off.
ZIG (O.S.)
Sweet, I'm on every channel. Suck
on that Chopra!
HAMPTON
Zig...Zuckerman?
ZIG (O.S.)
In the flesh...ish. And you are?
HAMPTON
Hampton.

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9.

ZIG (O.S.)
Zen be with you, Hampton.
HAMPTON
How did you get in my alarm clock?
ZIG (O.S.)
Fucking Carl.
HAMPTON
Who's Carl?
ZIG (O.S.)
My stupid Shaman.
INT. ZIG'S MANSION - NIGHT (FLASHBACK)
Zig and his Shaman, CARL, ??, crouch around a small,
ritualistic fire in the middle his opulent living room. They
CHANT gibberish.
Scantily clad WOMEN are passed out all over the place. Some
of Zig's new alarms are scattered across the floor.
ZIG (V.O.)
Since reaching the pinnacle of
enlightenment, I was searching for
new ways to alter my state of
consciousness.
Zig licks the back of a psychedelic toad, passes it to Carl
who takes a lick. He puts the toad on a marble coffee table
next to a snow drift of coke.
ZIG (V.O.)
Me n' Carl were tripping down the
yellow brick road, when something
fucky happened with the ritual.
Carl starts to quiver uncontrollably. Falls to the floor,
writhing, eyes roll into his head, CHANTING grows louder.
Zig collapses too. Convulses. Stops. He lies totally still.
Then a blue fog escapes from his mouth!
ZIG (V.O.)
Stupid bastard chanted out my soul.
The fog swirls around, then disappears into an alarm!
The toad now lays on it’s back, nose covered in coke.

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10.

INT. HAMPTON'S CONDO - SAME
ZIG (O.S.)
I told him too many peyote parties
would fry his brain. But you think
he listens?
Hampton's up to his eyeballs in a new glass of Jack. He pops
another pill.
HAMPTON
That was a truly gripping story.
ZIG (O.S.)
Indeed. I especially liked the part
where you act like a sarcastic
prick.
HAMPTON
Ouch. You’re kind of a jerk in real
life.
ZIG (O.S.)
You’ve only seen tv Zig. This is
Real Deal Holyfield Zig.
HAMPTON
I’m thrilled. So anyways...
Hampton starts to box the clock back up.
ZIG (O.S.)
Hey, wait! What the heck are you
doing?
HAMPTON
I'm sorry you're an alarm clock or
whatever. But I got my own
problems.
ZIG (O.S.)
The world thinks I'm fucking dead,
man!
HAMPTON
You mean you're not?
ZIG (O.S.)
No. Maybe. I dunno. If I could find
Carl, he could mindfuck my soul
back into my body.

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HAMPTON
Good luck with all that.
ZIG (O.S.)
You think I'll just grow legs and
walk outta here? I need your help,
man.
HAMPTON
No, I need to return you.
ZIG (O.S.)
Listen, if you scratch my
hypothetical back, I'll scratch
yours.
HAMPTON
How could a talking alarm clock
possibly help me?
ZIG (O.S.)
You were just thinking about
fricasseeing your internal organs,
man. You clearly need help.
HAMPTON
I was only thinking about it.
ZIG (O.S.)
Your life doesn’t seem that bad.
HAMPTON
You wouldn’t unner-shtand.
(staring into glass)
Me gettin’ messed up meow.
ZIG (O.S.)
No shit. You pop pills like I
pop...pills. Lightweight! Me n'
Carl used to pound Absinthe like
Kool-Aid and...oh...
(sobbing)
My dear sweet Carl.
HAMPTON
Must lie down.
Hampton belly flops onto the couch.
His eyes grow heavy. Zig's voice slows down.
ZIG (O.S.)
Sweet...dreams...

11.

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"Pilot"

Hampton passes out.

END OF ACT ONE

12.

Zen O'Clock

"Pilot"

13.

ACT TWO
INT. HAMPTON'S CONDO - MORNING
Hampton’s still on the couch. GONG!
ZIG (O.S.)
He who has a why to live can bear
almost any how!
He doesn't move at first. Eyes finally wrench open. Blinks.
Discover’s someone’s toe jammed up his nose.
HAMPTON
(jumping off couch)
Shit!
The toe is attached to a passed out PROSTITUTE, 20’s, who
somehow ended up in the couch during his slumber.
Zen Clock is on the kitchen counter. Hampton wearily
approaches it.
HAMPTON (CONT'D)
Zig?
He presses the button. GONG!
ZIG (O.S.)
The only Zen you can find on
mountain tops is the Zen you bring
up there.
HAMPTON
Don’t pull that shit on me now!
Nothing.
HAMPTON (CONT’D)
Where’d the girl come from?!
Nada.
HAMPTON (CONT’D)
Awww god. Did I imagine it?
A CHORTLE escapes the clock.
HAMPTON (CONT’D)
You asshole!

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"Pilot"

14.

ZIG (O.S.)
(laughing)
I couldn’t hold it any longer!
HAMPTON
Real funny. Now who’s the girl?
ZIG
Who’s the what now?
HAMPTON
The girl passed out on my couch!
ZIG (O.S.)
OH! The coke hoe. I got bored last
night and called an escort service.
Man, I can’t be-lieve you didn’t
wake up.
INT. HAMPTON’S APARTMENT - LAST NIGHT
Coke tracks wind around the coffee table.
Prostitute booty shakes to HARD CORE RAP MUSIC. She does a
line, then offers the straw for Zen Clock.
And Hampton’s dead to the world.
INT. HAMPTON’S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
ZIG (O.S.)
She even did a line off your ass!
HAMPTON
That’s just so awesome.
ZIG (O.S.)
You need to lighten up, man.
HAMPTON
You may have helped millions, but
you suck balls as an alarm clock!
ZIG (O.S.)
Whoa, man. That cuts deep.
HAMPTON
Why'd you let me sleep so long?
ZIG (O.S.)
Let you? If our partying didn’t
wake you up, nothing will. You were
out cold, man.
(MORE)

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"Pilot"

ZIG (O.S.) (CONT'D)
What kinda horse tranqs you popping
anyways? And do you have any more?
HAMPTON
Fuck. I really need to work on that
presentation.
(looking back to couch)
But first...
Hampton wakes up Prostitute and helps her to the door.
PROSTITUTE
(waving to clock)
Bye, Ziggy.
ZIG (O.S.)
Bye, Zelda.
HAMPTON
(flatly)
Have a lovely day.
(closes door)
Zig and Zelda?
ZIG (O.S.)
We had a connection.
INT. HAMPTON’S APARTMENT - LATER
Hampton puts his laptop in his sling bag.
ZIG (O.S.)
Where are you going?
HAMPTON
To a cafe. I can't work from home.
ZIG (O.S.)
And I'm just supposed to sit here?
HAMPTON
I guess.
ZIG (O.S.)
Do you have any idea how boring
being a soul trapped in an alarm
clock is?
HAMPTON
I can turn on the tv or something.
ZIG (O.S.)
Take me with you.

15.

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16.

HAMPTON
Yeah no.
The clock suddenly WAILS LOUDLY like a fire alarm.
ZIG (O.S.)
RAPE! HELP! I'M BEING RAPED
REPEATEDLY IN HERE! THE HORROR!
HAMPTON
Stop! Shut up!
Hampton slams the clock buttons, but to no avail.
HAMPTON (CONT’D)
Fine! I'll take you with me. Just,
shut up when we're in public, okay?
ZIG (O.S.)
Roger that, captain.
Hampton takes the alarm and leaves.
INT. TRISTAN'S CAFE - DAY
A pretentious coffee house. Hard chairs. Everyone on a
MacBook.
Hampton walks in, Zen Clock under is arm. He gets in line.
ZIG (O.S.)
I'm a lumber jack and that's okay!
I sleep all night, I work all day!
HAMPTON
(sharp whisper)
You promised to shut up!
ZIG (O.S.)
Just messing around, man.
The hipster cashier, BARON, 25, takes orders.
BARON
Next!
A BUSINESSMAN, 40's, steps up to order.
BUSINESSMAN
I've never been here before.

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BARON
(cold sarcasm)
No shit.
BUSINESSMAN
What should I have?
BARON
We’ve got great latte’s.
BUSINESSMAN
Alright. Grande latte, please.
GASPS.
BARON
(incredulous)
Ex-CUSE me?
BUSINESSMAN
Venti...latte?
BARON
Listen here, Joe Corporate!
He comes out from behind his counter.
BARON (CONT'D)
This ain't the Starbucks in the
lobby of your automaton factory.
Churning out shit for you and all
the other capitalist pigs!
He gets CHEERED on.
BARON (CONT'D)
We have three sizes here: small,
medium and large. Pick one, or take
your business meeting, Hummer
driving, money-mongering ass
elsewhere!
Baron gets back behind his counter to weak APPLAUSE.
Businessman wishes he was invisible.
BUSINESSMAN
Large latte. Please.
RANDOM CUSTOMER (O.S.)
Booo!

17.

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18.

BARON
Large latte for Joe Corporate.
Next!
We now see that a Starbucks cup hangs from the ceiling by a
noose made from a business tie.
As he waits in line Hampton sees CHLOE, 20's, the cutie that
works the espresso machine. She catches him looking.
CHLOE
Hello again.
HAMPTON
How's life in the glamorous world
of coffee?
CHLOE
Can't complain.
ZIG (O.S.)
Cough* Lame! Cough*
CHLOE
Sorry?
HAMPTON
I didn't say anything. That’s a
cool t-shirt.
Use your imagination regarding her shirt. It’s what’s under
it that Hampton’s really looking at.
Indeed, Chloe has a spectacular rack.
CHLOE
Thanks.
ZIG (O.S.)
Is this you flirting? If I still
had a dick it would've shrivelled
up by now.
CHLOE
(re: clock)
Are you listening to something?
HAMPTON
Just...a podcast.
CHLOE
Wicked. What's it called?

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19.

ZIG (O.S.)
This ain't no fucking podcast, man-Hampton stuffs the clock deep into his laptop bag.
HAMPTON
Um, it's called "This ain't no
fucking podcast...man!"
CHLOE
Rad. Sounds anti-establishment.
I’ll hafta check that one out.
HAMPTON
(flashing peace sign)
Right on, sister.
She GIGGLES. It’s adorable.
ZIG (O.S.)
(muffled)
Gay-yay!
BARON
Next!
That's Hampton.
HAMPTON
See ya.

CHLOE
Later.

BARON
I said next!
(Hampton approaches)
What's up, Wall Street?
HAMPTON
I told you before, I don't work on
Wall Street.
BARON
Riiight. Whattaya want?
ZIG (O.S.)
(muffled)
How about a steaming hot cup of go
fuck yourself, ya douchey fruitbat!
BARON
Sorry, what was that?
HAMPTON
Nothing. I didn't say anything.

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20.

ZIG (O.S.)
(muffled)
Nice beanie. It's like 100 degrees
out-HAMPTON
Americano! Medium. Please...
BARON
Medium Americano for Wall Street!
CHLOE
Medium Americano!
Chloe throws a playful wink Hampton's way. He blushes.
BARON
(giving Hampton the
hairiest of eyeballs)
Next!
INT. TRISTAN’S CAFE - TABLE - LATER
Hampton works away on his laptop. Zen Clock pokes out of the
bag. The digital smiley is placid.
ZIG (O.S.)
I'm bored.
HAMPTON
Can you be bored quietly? I
probably look crazy talking to an
alarm clock.
ZIG (O.S.)
You shouldn't care what other
people think about you, man.
HAMPTON
That's some real sage advice. You
made millions from that?
ZIG (O.S.)
My teachings go much deeper.
HAMPTON
I bet. Wait a minute. How are you
even working? You're not plugged
in.
ZIG (O.S.)
Through the magical powers of Zen,
my friend.

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"Pilot"

HAMPTON
Really?
ZIG (O.S.)
Nah. Solar powered.
Hampton's laptop BINGS with an incoming Skype call.
HAMPTON
Crap. It's mom.
ZIG (O.S.)
Aren’t you gonna answer?
HAMPTON
I kinda got a lot of work to do.
ZIG (O.S.)
She carried you for 9 months-HAMPTON
10, actually.
ZIG (O.S.)
10 months! And you can't chew the
fat for a few minutes?
HAMPTON
Oh my god, I'll answer just shut up
already.
(answering)
Hey, mom.
MOM (O.S.)
Hampton? Are you there? I can't see
you.
HAMPTON
Turn on your video, mom.
MOM (O.S.)
How about now?
HAMPTON
Still can't see you.
We can hear Hampton's mom fiddling with her computer.
MOM (O.S.)
How about n-HAMPTON
Mom? You there?

21.

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22.

He calls her back. BING!
MOM (O.S.)
Hello?
HAMPTON
Mom, you got cut off.
MOM (O.S.)
Hampton? Honey? I can see you, but
now I can't hear you.
HAMPTON
Mom?
MOM (O.S.)
Hello?
This could take awhile.
MOM (O.S.) (CONT’D)
Helloooo?
Hampton drops his face into his hands.
INT. HAMPTON'S CONDO - LATE NIGHT
Hampton's fast asleep at his laptop, face planted on the
table. A tiny pool of drool has formed under his mouth.
Zen Clock sits nearby.
ZIG (O.S.)
Five thousand and ninety-nine
bottles of Karma on the wall, five
thousand and ninety-nine bottles of
Karma. Take one down, pass it
around, five thousand and ninetyeight bottles of Karma on the
wall...
INT. HAMPTON'S CONDO - MORNING
Hampton’s still out cold. GONG!
ZIG (O.S.)
Do not follow the ideas of others,
learn to listen to the voice
within.
Hampton jerks awake. Drool slime and office supplies stuck to
his face. He wipes it off.

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23.

INT. JOBLOTECH OFFICE - MORNING
Hampton scrambles to finish his presentation at his cubicle.
Zen Clock’s in a desk drawer.
ZIG (O.S.)
Why are you stressing yourself out
over this presentation, man? You're
just helping to feed the evil
corporate machine.
HAMPTON
Spare me the hippy diatribes.
ZIG (O.S.)
Look who knows a fancy word.
HAMPTON
Shhh!
Office hottie, JESSICA, late 20's, sidles up to his cubicle.
JESSICA
Hey, sport.
HAMPTON
Hey, Jessica.
ZIG (O.S.)
She looks yummy.
JESSICA
Did you just hear something?
HAMPTON
Sure didn't.
She sits on his desk, adjusts her skirt to show just enough
leg without causing another HR incident.
JESSICA
Big day today.
HAMPTON
Tell me about it.
JESSICA
A lot is riding on this.
HAMPTON
I know. Been slaving away all
weekend.

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24.

She walks her fingers across his desk. Up his arm. She leans
in to give Hampton a good gander at her ample boobage.
JESSICA
A lot riding...
She moves her lips dangerously close to his ear.
JESSICA (CONT’D)
You ready for your big, new office,
mister future CEO?
HAMPTON
It isn’t for sure yet. Let's not
get too hasty.
JESSICA
How's this for too hasty?
Her hand moves down the front of his shirt, past his belt to-HAMPTON
(jumping out of seat)
Whoa! Will you look at that, it’s
time for the big meeting.
INT. JOBLOTECH BOARDROOM - MOMENTS LATER
Hampton's CO-WORKERS surround the long conference table. An
untouched tray of danishes and muffins sit in the centre.
Mr. Joblonowski sits in the head chair.
MR. JOBLONOWSKI
I won't waste our time telling you
all why we're here.
(to Hampton)
You're up.
With a nice layer of sweat already brewing, Hampton walks to
the front where a projector and screen is set up.
As he sets his laptop bag on the table it falls over, and out
rolls the Zen Clock. GONG!
ZIG (O.S.)
When speaking in public, picture
everyone naked. And drunk.
HAMPTON
(putting Zen Clock away)
Sorry.

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"Pilot"

25.

He faces his subordinates: Jessica winks suggestively at him,
traces her hand along her deep neckline.
Behind her, Marshall gives him a thumbs up, then turns that
into another mock bj as he stares at the back of Jessica’s
head like a creep.
HAMPTON (CONT'D)
Ummm...
It catches him off guard a little.
MR. JOBLONOWSKI
We don't have all day here, Cross.
HAMPTON
Sorry. I'm here to talk to you
about the future of Joblotech.
He uses a tiny remote. Graphs and pie charts come on screen.
HAMPTON (CONT'D)
As you can see, our stock has been
on a steady decline these past few
years.
The next slide is a picture of Mr. Joblonowski, drunk and
shirtless, holding up a prize fish he caught.
MR. JOBLONOWSKI
What the hell?
Someone stifles a LAUGH. Hampton is stunned, tries to
recover.
HAMPTON
Just ...trying to lighten things
up. Ha...
And he fumbles. Joblonowski isn't the least amused.
HAMPTON (CONT'D)
...ha. Moving along. Let’s look at
our third quarter earnings...
More graph slides go by. Then another of Joblonowski, again
plastered and sans shirt, at a monster truck rally.
MR. JOBLONOWSKI
Cross!

Zen O'Clock

"Pilot"

26.

HAMPTON
I think someone's playing a cruel
joke on me, sir.
Frenzied, Hampton quickly clicks the remote. But now every
slide is a picture of his boss, and in every one he's wasted,
and without a shirt.
HAMPTON (CONT'D)
I swear I didn't put these in here!
Everyone but Hampton and Joblonowski try real hard to keep
from laughing.
The slides end on the worst picture of all: Joblonowski and
Jessica from the Christmas party, caught in a most
compromising position in the coat room.
Jessica casually slides right under the conference table.
Mr. Joblonowski's face is so red we can practically hear his
blood boiling. This is not good.
Behind him the conference room door opens then close. Through
the glass we see Jessica crawling away in embarrassment.
END OF ACT TWO

Zen O'Clock

"Pilot"

27.

ACT THREE
EXT. HAMPTON'S PRIUS - LATER
The Prius swerves dangerously close to other cars.
HAMPTON (O.S.)
Fired?!
INT. HAMPTON'S PRIUS - CONTINUOUS
A filing box of Hampton's office stuff is in the passenger
seat, Zen Clock sits on top.
HAMPTON
I can't fucking believe I got
fired!
ZIG (O.S.)
That was a great presentation. The
story about the drunken fat guy who
kept losing his shirt was a nice
touch.
HAMPTON
Wait a minute. You sabotaged my
presentation!
ZIG (O.S.)
How could I have done that, man, I
have no arms. Watch the road!
Hampton jerks the wheel straight. Horns BLEEP at him.
HAMPTON
Maybe it was Greg. That dick has
been jealous since Jessica and I
hooked up.
ZIG (O.S.)
You tamed that sexy slab of
wildebeest?
HAMPTON
Don't sound so surprised. It was
one time. We were drunk. She’ll
want nothing to do with me now.
Dammit! How did this happen?!
ZIG (O.S.)
(laughing)
Man, you really don't remember do
you?

Zen O'Clock

"Pilot"

28.

HAMPTON
Remember what? What are you talking
about?!
ZIG (O.S.)
It was you. You sabotaged it, man.
SCREEECH! The car jerks violently. Hampton’s head snaps back.
HAMPTON
What??
INT. HAMPTON'S CONDO - NIGHT (FLASHBACK)
Hampton works on the presentation in a drunk and stoned daze.
His eyes are closed.
ZIG (V.O.)
I saw the whole thing.
On his laptop we see he's on Mr. Joblonowski's Facebook page,
downloading the debautcherous pictures.
Hampton CHUCKLES to himself. Zig sings to him softly.
ZIG (O.S.)
Mama's little baby loves
short'nin', short'nin.’ Mama's
little baby loves short'nin'
bread...
INT. HAMPTON'S CAR - DAY
The car’s no longer moving.
HAMPTON
You're saying I sabotaged my own
presentation? In my sleep? How?!
WHY?!
ZIG (O.S.)
The brain is a mystery, man. But
it's obvious what it all means.
Water now splashes onto the hood.
ZIG (O.S.) (CONT'D)
Shit, did we hit something?
Hampton just sits in total disbelief. His world has come to a
crashing halt...

Zen O'Clock

"Pilot"

29.

EXT. HAMPTON'S PRIUS - CONTINUOUS
...literally. The front of his Prius bear hugs a hydrant. A
geyser of water shoots a mile high into the air.
INT. HAMPTON'S PRIUS - SAME
Hampton's barely registered the accident.
HAMPTON
Okay then, mister big shot Zenmaster. What does it all mean?
ZIG (O.S.)
You were fed up, man. You wanted
out. The 9-5 grind, commuting,
coffee breath. I’ve seen it a
million times.
We hear SIRENS in the background.
HAMPTON
But why would I want ruin my own
life?
ZIG (O.S.)
Who knows.
EXT. HAMPTON'S PRIUS - CONTINUOUS
POLICE and FIREMEN are on the scene.
INT. HAMPTON'S PRIUS - CONTINUOUS
Hampton rubs the back of his neck.
ZIG (O.S.)
Maybe that’s why I’m here. The
universe, man. It’s a crazy thing.
HAMPTON
What the hell are you talking
about?
ZIG (O.S.)
You found me for a reason. To help
you figure it all out, man.
There's a TAP at Hampton’s window.

Zen O'Clock

"Pilot"

30.

EXT. HAMPTON'S PRIUS - CONTINUOUS
Annoyed by the interruption, Hampton rolls down the window.
It’s a TIMID POLICEMAN, 20’s.
TIMID POLICEMAN
Are you okay in there, sir?
HAMPTON
Fine. Can you just gimme a minute?
He rolls the window back up before Timid Policeman can reply.
INT. HAMPTON'S PRIUS - CONTINUOUS
ZIG (O.S.)
C’mon, man. You help me get my body
back, and I'll help you get on your
path to Zenlightenment.
HAMPTON
You can help by getting my job
back.
ZIG (O.S.)
You were miserable there. Admit it.
HAMPTON
At least I was miserable with a
401k. I was about to get a
promotion I worked six long, hard
ass years for.
ZIG (O.S.)
You worked at a job you despised to
buy shit you thought you needed.
HAMPTON
Right. Now you're gonna tell me the
stuff I own will eventually own me?
ZIG (O.S.)
And have the writer get sued by
Fox? No thanks.
Beat.
Without warning, the passenger side of Hampton's Prius is
ripped open by the jaws of life! Hampton SCREAMS like a
little bitch.
HAMPTON
I said I was fine!!

Zen O'Clock

"Pilot"

31.

EXT. HOSPITAL - AFTERNOON
With a sexy new neck brace and a bandaged head, Hampton
pushes himself out in a wheelchair, filing box in his lap.
An ORDERLY, 20's, runs out after him.
ORDERLY
Hey, bring back the wheelchair!
Hampton gets up. Orderly takes back the chair.
HAMPTON
Sure. I only have a mild concussion
and my vision is blurry. But I can
get home fine on my own thanks.
ORDERLY
(walking off)
Okay then.
Hampton plops down on a nearby bench. Zen Clock’s smiley face
is a frown.
ZIG (O.S.)
You really do need my help.
HAMPTON
Since I’ve “met” you I’ve been
fired, almost died in a car crash
and now my night vision could be
permanently damaged. The only way
you could help is by fucking off!
ZIG (O.S.)
All of those shitty things were
gonna happen anyway. I came along
at exactly the right time. It’s
kismet, bro.
HAMPTON
What do you propose I do next then?
ZIG (O.S.)
Help me talk to Carl.
HAMPTON
Right, like I’m just gonna get
close to the one person with more
paparazzi than a Kardashian.
ZIG (O.S.)
You’ll figure it out.

Zen O'Clock

"Pilot"

32.

Hampton notices something down the street.
HAMPTON
What’s going on over there?
There’s a media frenzy outside a hotel.
ZIG (O.S.)
No way. I thought I recognized the
gutter outside the hospital.
HAMPTON
No way what?
ZIG (O.S.)
Get closer!
Hampton hobbles down the street carrying the filing box.
EXT. HOTEL - CONTINUOUS
He reaches the swarm of media.
HAMPTON
Hey, isn’t this that hotel that’s
on TMZ every time a celeb OD’s?
ZIG (O.S.)
I used to stay here a lot.
HAMPTON
Makes sense it’s near a hospital.
The PAPARAZZI push closer as their target exits the hotel.
Camera flash bulbs pop.
PAPARAZZI
Here he comes!
HAMPTON
Who is it?
ZIG (O.S.)
Oh my God. It’s Carl!
Carl’s escorted to a limo, surrounded on all sides by
SECURITY GUARDS.
HAMPTON
Geez. You’d think it was the
President or something.
Microphone’s are shoved in Carl’s face.

Zen O'Clock

"Pilot"

33.

DUDE REPORTER (O.S.)
How much will Zig’s funeral cost?
NEWS REPORTER (O.S.)
Are you taking over his empire?
RANDOM WOMEN (O.S.)
How do I get my boyfriend to like
going down on me?
ZIG (O.S.)
Carl!
(to Hampton)
Get closer!
HAMPTON
I can’t!
ZIG (O.S.)
You have to try!
Hampton drops the filing box to elbow his way closer.
ZIG (O.S.) (CONT’D)
Carl! Over here!
Carl stops when he hears the voice he thought he’d never hear
again.
Looks from whence it came -- Hampton. He holds up Zen Clock
to Carl.
HAMPTON
I have someone that’d like to speak
to you.
He suddenly has the spotlight. The madness calms for a
moment.
HAMPTON (CONT’D)
(to Zen Clock)
Go on, Zig, say something.
He presses the button. GONG!
ZIG (O.S.)
Walk as if kissing the earth with
your feet!
He gets LAUGHED at.
PAPARAZZI (O.S.)
This guys a wack-a-doo!

Zen O'Clock

"Pilot"

34.

HAMPTON
(to clock, shaking it)
Hello?
Carl’s eyes burn into Hampton. It stirs something, deep down
inside him.
Then one of Carl’s SECURITY DUDES moves Hampton away with his
tree trunk of an arm.
SECURITY DUDE
Move aside, sir
Carl’s hustled into the limo. Hampton gets lost in the crowd.
The swarm chases after the limo. Hampton’s alone. SuddenlyALBINO JONES (O.S.)
Give back my clock!
Albino Jones comes from out of nowhere and snatches the clock
from Hampton’s grasp.
HAMPTON
Hey!
Jones runs toward the street. Hampton makes chase.
HAMPTON (CONT’D)
I bought that fair and square!
ALBINO JONES
It belongs with it’s brothers!
ZIG (O.S.)
Save me, Hampton!
Hampton catches up and grabs the clock. It’s a tug-of-war at
the edge of the sidewalk. Jones trips and falls back into the
street.
The clock falls from both their grasps.
HAMPTON
Oh shit!
IN SLOW MOTION, the clock drops onto the pavement...
ZIG (O.S.)
Oooooohhh nooooooo...
...CRUNCH! It breaks open. Zig’s voice fizzles and dies out.

Zen O'Clock

"Pilot"

35.

A car comes to a screeching halt, but not soon enough.
CRUNCH! Jones goes down, hard.
Jones and Zen Clock lie broken in the street. Then, the same
blue fog escapes the clock -- and gets sucked into Jone’s
mouth!
He bolt’s upright.
ZIG/ALBINO JONES
Namaste motherfuckers!
Hampton’s mind is blown. The DRIVER of the car jumps out.
DRIVER
Oh my god, he came out of nowhere!
HAMPTON
But...I...don’t....HUH?!
DRIVER
Is he okay?
Zig/Albino Jones (Zig from here on) struggles to his feet.
Hampton helps.
HAMPTON
(to Driver)
He seems okay actually.
The dazed Driver gets back in his car.
ZIG
I’m not really diggin’ this new
body. But at least I can piss
again.
(sniffing clothes)
Speaking of piss...
HAMPTON
Zig?! Jesus, is that you?
ZIG
Barely.
HAMPTON
That was the craziest shit I’ve
ever seen.
ZIG
Totally.

Zen O'Clock

"Pilot"

HAMPTON
Why the fuck didn’t you say
anything to Carl?
ZIG
‘Cause you could get arrested then
we’d both be hosed.
HAMPTON
I’m probably gonna be on the news.
PAPARAZZI
(passing by)
Oh you’re definitely gonna be on
the news!
HAMPTON
Great.
They limp down the sidewalk.
HAMPTON (CONT’D)
Wait, I don’t understand. I talked
to Carl, he looked right at me. But
it’s like he didn’t hear me at all.
ZIG
Shit, I forget to tell you.
HAMPTON
Forgot to tell me what?
ZIG
Carl doesn’t talk.
HAMPTON
He can’t talk?!
ZIG
Doesn’t. Didn’t say can’t. But in
the years I’ve known him, he’s
never uttered a single word. Not
even when he swallowed a whole hive
of African bees. He just stared at
me as he blew up like a balloon,
with those big, eyes of his. You
got caught in them didn’t you?
HAMPTON
Kinda.

36.

Zen O'Clock

"Pilot"

37.

ZIG
He touches something inside people.
Carl changed my life...
Zig SOBS quietly for Carl. They pass an alley, and see a
shopping cart full of Zen Clocks.
ZIG (CONT’D)
These should be on store shelves.
HAMPTON
That’s a lot of clocks.
ZIG
I’m taking these back. Not like
hobo has any use for them now.
The rag-tag duo continues on; Hampton all mummied up, and a
battered Zig in a homeless dudes body, pushing a shopping
cart. Quite the team.
ZIG (CONT’D)
(favoring bloodied head)
I should probably go to the
hospital.
HAMPTON
Indeed.
They about face it back towards the hospital.
FADE TO:
INT. TRISTAN’S CAFE - DAY
Hampton’s in line, laptop bag slung over his shoulder. Zig is
with him, cleaned up and wearing Hampton’s clothes.
ZIG
(checking self out)
You need some new clothes, man.
HAMPTON
I’ll get right on that.
ZIG
What’s on the agenda for today?
HAMPTON
Update the resume.

Zen O'Clock

"Pilot"

38.

ZIG
Be sure to add under skills: “Apt
at making bitchin’ Power Points.”
HAMPTON
You are hilarious.
BARON (O.S.)
Next!
As he approaches the register he notices a haggard “We’re
Hiring!” sign that’s likely been there since opening day.
BARON (CONT’D)
What can I get you, Wall Street?
HAMPTON
Medium Americano.
BARON
That everything?
HAMPTON
(looking at sign)
Actually, no...
He looks back at Zig, who flashes his calming smile, even
though it’s someone else’s face.
HAMPTON (CONT’D)
Are you still hiring?
And on Hampton’s hope-filled face we...
FADE OUT.
END OF EPISODE