WILFRED

By
TIM AUCOIN

taucoin@gmail.com
aucoinink.ca

ACT ONE
FADE IN:
TITLE CARD: "Intro quote" (unknown thus far, has to reflect
the THEME and the TITLE of the episode)
INT. RYAN'S LIVING ROOM - MORNING
KNOCKING on the front door. Ryan rubs sleep from his eyes as
he rushes to answer.
It's Jenna. Behind her, Wilfred's causing a scene as Drew
packs bags into the trunk of their car.
JENNA
Morning, Ryan. How's my favorite
neighbor?
RYAN
Great-WILFRED
No-no-no-no-no-no!
RYAN
Is Wilfred okay?
JENNA
He's a little upset.
RYAN
I can see that.
WILFRED
NOOOOOO!
JENNA
That's actually why I'm here. Drew
and I kinda splurged last night and
bought an all-inclusive trip
online. It was on sale.
Drew waves at Ryan.
DREW
Hey, buddy.
RYAN
Hey, Drew.
JENNA
And you know how Wilfred gets
separation anxiety.

Wilfred repeatedly smacks Drew with his "paws".
WILFRED
Asshole! Fuck you!
DREW
I can't play right now, Wilfred.
JENNA
So, do you think you could-RYAN
Of course, Jenna. I'll look after
Wilfred while you're gone.
JENNA
(HUGGING RYAN) You are the best!
RYAN
(SMELLING HER HAIR) I know.
Jenna runs off to the now packed vehicle. Drew's in the
drivers seat.
Wilfred clamps around Jenna with his arms.
WILFRED
Don't go! I'll die without you!
JENNA
(RUBBING HIS EARS) Oh, Wilfie.
You'll be fine.
She kisses his snout then peels him off to get into the car.
Drew waves to Ryan again.
DREW
Later, buddy.
JENNA
Bye, Ryan. Bye, Wilfie! Be a good
boy while I'm gone.
RYAN
(WAVING) Bye.
WILFRED
(CHASING CAR) Drew, don't you
reverse out of the driveway! Don't
you put that gear into drive, Drew!
Wilfred chases the car down the street.

WILFRED (CONT'D)
Don't you drive down the street and
turn left at that stop sign!
Wilfred gives up. Stands in the middle of the street, out of
breath as he watches them drive off. Ryan jogs up to him.
RYAN
Are you going to be okay?
He turns and trots off back to Ryan's.
WILFRED
Let's get baked.
INT. RYAN'S BASEMENT - LATER
Ryan and Wilfred exchange bong hits. Wilfred favors his
belly.
RYAN
What's wrong with your stomach?
WILFRED
Something I ate didn't agree with
me.
RYAN
I can't imagine what.
WILFRED
(GRABBING SIDE) Ouch!
RYAN
Just go outside and take a dump or
something.
WILFRED
I'm scared. Last time my tummy hurt
like this I shat out half a beer
bottle.
RYAN
Gross!
Wilfred takes another hit. It gets interrupted by another
pain in his side.
WILFRED
Ouch!
Ryan grabs a rolled up newspaper. Threatens Wilfred with it.

RYAN
That's it. Outside. Now!
Wilfred begrudgingly complies.
EXT. RYAN'S BACKYARD - DAY
Wilfred's bent over trying to shit, face screwed up in pain.
WILFRED
Owie-ow-ow!
RYAN
So where'd Jenna and Drew go?
WILFRED
I don't know, Ryan.
RYAN
They seemed pretty happy to be
leaving.
WILFRED
(STRAINING) Yeah, they're
deliriously happy. Ouch! All the
time. Makes me bloody ill.
Ryan looks disappointed.
WILFRED (CONT'D)
Oh come on, get over it, mate. You
have to move on.
RYAN
I know.
WILFRED
Ow-ow-ow-ow!
Wilfred's finally passed the painful object.
RYAN
Let's take a look.
They inspect Wilfred's poop.
RYAN (CONT'D)
There. What's that?
WILFRED
Now I remember.
Wilfred picks whatever it is out of his pile of crap and pops
it in his mouth to clean it.

RYAN
(DISGUSTED) And I just shared a
bong with you.
Finally we see what caused Wilfred such discomfort: a key.
RYAN (CONT'D)
A key?
WILFRED
It's Jenna spare. I found it when I
was burying a raccoon.
Ryan's deep in thought. Wilfred's on to him.
WILFRED (CONT'D)
You sly bastard.
RYAN
(PLAYING INNOCENT) What?
WILFRED
Like I don't know exactly what
you're thinking right now.
INT. JENNA'S PLACE - MOMENTS LATER
The front door unlocks. Ryan lurks, knows he's doing
something wrong. Wilfred follows behind.
RYAN
I've never been here without Jenna
around.
Wilfred's already humping a cushion on Jenna's couch.
RYAN (CONT'D)
Wilfred, no!
WILFRED
Fuck off, Ryan. You're practically
breaking and entering right now.
RYAN
Touche. (RE: Cushion) Hey, what
about Bear?
WILFRED
We had a little tiff.
RYAN
Sorry to hear that. I'm going to
look around.

Wilfred's too busy humping to hear.
WILFRED
(TO CUSHION) You like that? You
like that?
Wilfred looks to Jenna's ottoman.
WILFRED (CONT'D)
What are you staring at? You're
next!
INT. JENNA'S BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER
Ryan turns on the light. Jenna's room is nice and clean.
He moves to her bed. Sits gently on its soft mattress.
Caresses her duvet. Lies down, rubs his cheek on her pillow.
RYAN
(INHALING) Hmmmm.
He nods off a little.
WILFRED (O.S.)
Drew and Jenna screwed on that like
an hour ago.
RYAN
(HOPPING OFF) Sick!
Wilfred puffs on a post-coital smoke.
Ryan forlornly looks back to Jenna's bed.
WILFRED
They're always going at it, like
two Koalas in the outback.
Ryan tries to wipe the image from his brain.
RYAN
Do...you watch?
WILFRED
All the time.
RYAN
Really?
WILFRED
Of course, mate. Jenna's a freak in
the sack.

Ryan wafts away Wilfred's cigarette smoke.
RYAN
Is Jenna okay with you smoking in
here?
WILFRED
When the cactus is away, mate.
RYAN
Don't you mean cat?
WILFRED
Why would I mean cat? That doesn't
make any sense.
RYAN
We should leave.
Ryan turns to go, then sees Jenna's dresser. An eyebrow
raises.
WILFRED
You dirty little marmoset. Don't
you dare look in there.
RYAN
Maybe you're right. (THEN) Fuck it.
I haven't done anything to get my
heart racing in a while.
Ryan slides open some drawers.
Bingo. Jenna's panty drawer. He takes out a lacy thong.
WILFRED
That's what you were looking for? I
got a whole bloody catalogue buried
in the backyard.
RYAN
What did you think I was looking
for?
A realization washes over him.
RYAN (CONT'D)
She's got a dildo!
Ryan digs through the drawers some more.
WILFRED
What's a dildo?

He searches some more. Found it; his eyes bug from his
sockets.
Pulls it from the drawer:
RYAN
Good god! It's as big as my arm!
WILFRED
Hey! That's my "special" chew toy
she only takes out on "special"
occasions. But the greedy bitch
never shares it for some reason.
Ryan sits on the bed. Then remembers where's he's sitting and
jumps off.
He sees a picture of Drew and Jenna over her bed. They look
so happy.
RYAN
You're right, Wilfred.
WILFRED
Huh?
RYAN
About Jenna. I thought I loved
Amanda. I...I wanted to believe it.
To convince myself I was over
Jenna.
WILFRED
(NOT LISTENING) Give me back my
toy!
Wilfred lunges at Ryan, knocks him into the dresser, which in
turn knocks over an expensive vase.
It crashes to the floor, smashes to pieces.
RYAN
Wilfred! Naughty, naughty dog!
WILFRED
Crikey! I just wanted my toy back.
RYAN
It's not yours, it's Jenna's.
He puts it back in the drawer.

RYAN (CONT'D)
Damn it. I'll have to replace that
vase before Jenna gets back.
He snaps a pic of the smashed vase with his phone.
WILFRED
Come on, Ryan. Let's go throw rocks
a seagulls.
RYAN
I have to go to the mall to buy a
new vase. To replace the one you
just broke. Remember?
WILFRED
Oh, right. No.
INT. JENNA'S PLACE - CONTINUOUS
Ryan walks to the front door.
WILFRED
Where are you going?
RYAN
(EXASPERATED) Weren't you
listening? I'm going to the mall.
WILFRED
(PANICKY) You're leaving too?
RYAN
No dogs allowed.
WILFRED
We'll (FINGER QUOTES) see, about
that.
Wilfred goes to Jenna's hall closet, roots around for a
minute.
He comes back with a leather, seeing eye dog harness.
RYAN
I don't even want to know how you
got that.
Wilfred takes out sunglasses from the same closet.
RYAN (CONT'D)
No way. I'm not pretending to be
blind so you can come with me!

WILFRED
Tell me, Ryan. Do you want to
replace one vase? (GESTURING AROUND
ROOM) Or an entire living room set?
Wilfred has him there. Ryan let's out an exasperated sigh.
END OF ACT ONE

ACT TWO
INT. SHOPPING CENTRE - DAY
In the sunglasses and faking being blind, Ryan and the now
harnessed Wilfred walk through the busy mall.
As they stroll Wilfred runs around, smells random crotches,
jumps on strangers; everything fully trained and professional
seeing eye dogs don't do.
WILFRED
Wow! Look! What's that? (TO
STRANGERS) Hi! Hi! Wow, the mall is
awesome!
RYAN
Wilfred! Stop it! (VOICE LOWERED)
You're supposed to be my guide dog.
Act like it.
WILFRED
You're supposed to be blind. Act
like it.
RYAN
I took you here as a favor. So you
wouldn't be alone.
WILFRED
No, you took me here so I wouldn't
make Jenna's house my bitch.
I little BOY runs up with his MOM to pat Wilfred on the head.
WILFRED (CONT'D)
(TO BOY) Get the fuck away from me!
Boy starts CRYING.
MOM
(TAKING CRYING BOY AWAY) That's
some nice dog you got there.
RYAN
Sorry, ma'am. He's new. (TO
WILFRED) Would you be cool!
WILFRED
I am cool.
RYAN
You yelled at that kid.

WILFRED
Kids are the devil's spawn.
RYAN
That why you hate babies too?
WILFRED
There's been a blood feud between
dogs and babies since the dawn of
time. It's in my DNA. I can't help
it.
RYAN
That, or you're jealous.
WILFRED
I don't like competition, Ryan.
A MILF pushing her baby strolls by. Wilfred runs at the
stroller.
WILFRED (CONT'D)
I'll kill you!
RYAN
(PULLING HARNESS) No, Wilfred!
Down!
MILF
(RE: Wilfred) He's adorable.
RYAN
Thanks.
Ryan painfully stares at the Milf's smoking hot ass.
WILFRED
I would eat that ass inside and
out.
RYAN
You'd eat the ass out of a dead
possum. And I've seen you do it.
WILFRED
You need to get laid, mate.
Ryan SIGHS as the Milf walks away.
RYAN
I know.
They continue their walk through the mall. Then Ryan sees
someone, up ahead: Amanda!

RYAN (CONT'D)
Shit! It's Amanda!
WILFRED
I thought she was in the nut house.
RYAN
I guess she got out. Quick, hide!
WILFRED
Why?
Ryan pulls Wilfred into the nearest store; a hipster clothing
shop.
INT. CLOTHING STORE - CONTINUOUS
He hides behind a mannequin in a red/black plaid coat. Amanda
passes by, through the store-front window.
WILFRED (O.S.)
Hey there. I'm Wilfred.
She stops right in front of the store, takes our her phone.
RYAN
Oh no. Please don't see me.
Amanda looks at her phone. Puts it away, then keeps walking.
RYAN (CONT'D)
That was close.
Wilfred's trying to chat with a female mannequin.
WILFRED (O.S.)
What's your name? (THEN) Stuck up
are we? How you like this then?!
He starts biting the mannequin's arm.
RYAN
Stop, Wilfred!
GIRLS VOICE (O.S.)
What's going on here?
Ryan turns to a super-cute, slightly geeky SALES CLERK. Her
name tag reads: Nicky.
RYAN
Oh, you know. Just doing some
shopping.

Wilfred's still getting rough with the mannequin.
RYAN (CONT'D)
Stop it, Wilfred!
NICKY
There's no dogs allowed, sir.
RYAN
He's my guide dog.
Ryan points to his sunglasses.
NICKY
Oh! I'm, like, so sorry.
RYAN
Don't worry about it. (TO WILFRED)
I said stop!
Ryan gives a strong yank on the harness. Wilfred flies back
from the mannequin and knocks into Nicky.
NICKY
Hey!
WILFRED
Jesus, mate! Take it easy.
RYAN
(TO BOTH) Sorry.
WILFRED
(CHECKING HIMSELF) I think you tore
off a couple nipples.
RYAN
Dogs have nipples?
NICKY
Excuse me?
RYAN
I mean, uh. Dogs, do they have
nipples?
WILFRED
Of course we do! See (STARTS
COUNTING) one, two...
NICKY
How would I know?

RYAN
I was, curious.
NICKY
You're a little strange. (THEN) Are
you looking for anything in
particular today? Or just here to
let your dog have his way with our
mannequins?
WILFRED
...four, five...
RYAN
Sorry about Wilfred, he's still new
to the whole guide dog thing.
NICKY
I was only kidding. How long have
you had, Wilfred was it?
WILFRED
...seven, eight...
RYAN
Wilfred, yes. Oh, just a few months
now. Still getting kinks out of his
system I guess.
WILFRED
Kinks? I'm not a bloody computer,
Ryan. Now look, you made me lose
count. (RESTARTS) One, two...
NICKY
I'm Nicky. If you need anything, go
ask someone else.
Awkward pause.
NICKY (CONT'D)
(LIGHTLY TOUCHING RYAN'S SHOULDER)
I'm kidding!
RYAN
Oh. Ha, ha. Thanks, Nicky. I'm
Ryan.
NICKY
(TO WILFRED IN MOCK ANGER) And you.
Stop humping our mannequins. (TO
RYAN) See you around, Ryan.

Nicky smiles at Ryan, though as far as she knows he can't see
it. He returns the smile, she finds that odd. He immediately
stops. She walks off.
WILFRED
Ask for her number.
RYAN
I barely know her.
WILFRED
Have I taught you nothing? Stop
thinking and use your gut.
RYAN
Let's just get that vase and go.
Seeing Amanda weirded me out.
They pass some hats on the way out.
WILFRED
(RE: HATS) Look, Ryan. Maybe you'll
find one to fit your Jack-in-thebox sized head.
INT. SHOPPING CENTRE - DAY
Ryan and Wilfred continue their quest through the mall. Then
Wilfred sees...
...a pet store.
WILFRED
What is that??
RYAN
That's a, uh, hotel. For animals...
He runs up to the store window, confused. The boy Wilfred
made cry earlier comes out with his Mom holding a goldfish in
a water-filled ziploc.
The Mom pulls her kid away fast when seeing Wilfred.
WILFRED
What is going on here, Ryan!?
Why does that devil child have a
goldfish in a bag? To eat it?
Through the window Wilfred sees a litter of PUPPIES.
WILFRED (CONT'D)
Wait a minute. (LOOKING CLOSER)
These bastards look familiar...

He starts to WHIMPER, then licks and paws at the glass
between him and the puppies.
RYAN
I've never heard you make that
sound before.
The puppies YIP back as they climb over each other to get
closer to the glass.
WILFRED
Crikey! I think...I think I'm their
father!
RYAN
What?
A pup gets taken away by a CLERK. At the register: a DAD buys
the puppy for his young DAUGHTER.
They walk past, out the store. The Daughter lovingly snuggles
the puppy.
DAUGHTER
Thank you, Daddy! I'll love him
forever and ever!
WILFRED
(TO DAUGHTER) Give him back!
RYAN
Wilfred, no!
DAD
(TO RYAN) Control your dog!
RYAN
Sorry. (TO WILFRED) Calm down! What
are you talking about?
WILFRED
Jenna's wedding. I got so wasted.
It's still kind of a blur, but I
think I shagged one of the
neighborhood sluts. (THEN) You have
to help me get my kids back!
RYAN
Are you crazy? I can barely afford
to buy that vase you broke.
WILFRED
What do you mean buy?

A hesitant beat. There's no point in lying...
RYAN
This is a pet store, Wilfred.
People come here to buy pets.
WILFRED
Wow, just when I thought humans
couldn't stoop any lower. We are
creatures of mother earth, Ryan.
You can't just buy and sell us like
a...a...thing...you buy. And sell!
RYAN
Hey, why are you yelling at me?
WILFRED
I just found out I'm a father. I'm
all torn up inside!
RYAN
Maybe you ate another beer bottle.
WILFRED
I'm serious, mate!
RYAN
How do you know they're even yours?
I mean how many random bitches have
you nailed in your life?
WILFRED
They look just like me...
They look just like any other puppy. They clamor around the
store window, trying to get Wilfred's attention.
WILFRED (CONT'D)
And they're obviously fighting for
my affection.
Wilfred tries to hug them through the glass.
WILFRED (CONT'D)
I'm so sorry! I never meant to hurt
you!
Ryan tugs on the harness.
RYAN
We have to go.
He starts pulling Wilfred away from the store.

WILFRED
No! I can't leave my children
again! They need me!
RYAN
You're being ridiculous. Let's go!
Ryan drags Wilfred along like a disobedient child.
RYAN (CONT'D)
Stop it!
WILFRED
(ALMOST CRYING) I'm a piece of
shit!
RYAN
In five minutes you'll forget about
this.
WILFRED
No, I won't forget my seed. My
legacy!
RYAN
Give me a break. You probably have
litters all over the country.
WILFRED
I'm an asshole! (SINGING THE BLUES)
I ain't got no home, I ain't got no
mamma!
RYAN
What the hell are you doing?
We hear the faint sound of the puppies HOWLING from the pet
store.
WILFRED
I got the blues, Ryan.
RYAN
We're getting that vase and
leaving.
Ryan hauls a despondent Wilfred through the mall.
INT. SHOPPING CENTRE - DAY
Ryan's found an expensive home decor store.

INT. SHOPPING CENTRE - STORE - CONTINUOUS
Ryan searches through the store, constantly forgetting that
he's supposed to be blind. Wilfred's still upset.
RYAN
Help me find the vase.
WILFRED
How can I think about vases at a
time like this? I must save my
kids!
RYAN
I thought you'd forget about that
by now.
WILFRED
I forgot them once, but not again.
I will not be a deadbeat!
ELDERLY CASHIER
Sir! Can you please keep your dog
from barking? He's disturbing my
customers.
WILFRED
My children will not be another
statistic!
RYAN
Very sorry, ma'am.
He picks up a vase.
RYAN (CONT'D)
(TO WILFRED) Is this it?
WILFRED
Yes.
RYAN
Really?
WILFRED
I dunno.
The CASHIER walks up.
ELDERLY CASHIER
(ANNOYED) Is there anything I can
help you with today?

RYAN
Yes. My dog broke a friends vase
and I need to replace it. But,
(POINTING TO SUNGLASSES) I can't
find it.
ELDERLY CASHIER
You couldn't take your friend that
can see with you?
RYAN
She's out of town. It's just me and
Wilfred here.
Ryan takes out his cell to show her the picture of the broken
vase.
ELDERLY CASHIER
How did you take a picture if
you're blind?
RYAN
Um, Wilfred helped.
ELDERLY CASHIER
(SUSPICIOUS) Right.
WILFRED
(TRYING TO PULL AWAY) I must go and
be with the fruit of my perfect
loins!
RYAN
Wilfred, no!
ELDERLY CASHIER
(LOOKING AT PICTURE) We have the
vase you're looking for.
RYAN
Thank god.
ELDERLY CASHIER
It's over here. Just hurry up and
buy. I've never seen a more poorly
trained guide dog in my life.
WILFRED
(SINGING) I got the dead-beat dad
blues!
ELDERLY CASHIER
Can you at least stop him from
howling like that?

RYAN
Sorry.
INT. SHOPPING CENTRE - LATER
Ryan angrily exits the decor shop with Wilfred in tow.
RYAN
$500! For a vase?! Unbelievable!
WILFRED
Who cares, Ryan? It's just an empty
piece of ceramic. It won't fill
your heart with love, like a child.
RYAN
An hour ago you were ready to eat a
baby.
WILFRED
I've seen the error of my ways. I'm
a changed man.
RYAN
We're going home.
They pass the food court. Nicky sits having her lunch break.
NICKY
Ryan. Ryan, over here!
RYAN
(NERVOUS WAVE) Oh. Hey, Nicky.
NICKY
Come and sit.
RYAN
I better not.
It's his second chance...
RYAN (CONT'D)
Actually. Why not?
He maneuvers his way through the food court and joins her at
her table. Wilfred trails behind.
RYAN (CONT'D)
(SEEING HER FOOD) Pizza hey?
NICKY
How do you know it's pizza?

RYAN
I, uh, could smell it. A blind
persons nose is a very exquisite
and sensitive organ.
Wilfred rolls his eyes.
Nicky looks at Ryan quizzically.
NICKY
You're not really blind are you?
RYAN
(ACTING OFFENDED) What? Why would
you say such a thing?
NICKY
My grandfather is blind. And you
just walked through the food court
without bumping into anything with
your "guide dog" behind you.
Ryan looks like he's about to argue her point.
RYAN
Busted. Don't tell anyone?
NICKY
Wow, that is, like, so, so...
Ryan braces for a scolding.
NICKY (CONT'D)
...so, sweet!
RYAN
Excuse me?
NICKY
You didn't want Wilfred to be home
alone, so you pretended to be blind
and took him with you.
RYAN
That's it exactly...
NICKY
That's the nicest thing I've ever
heard. Your girlfriend is one lucky
gal.
RYAN
I don't have a girlfriend.

NICKY
Is that a fact?
Nicky instantly becomes more intrigued with Ryan. They share
a smile. But then, Ryan realizes -- Wilfred's gone!
RYAN
Where's Wilfred?
NICKY
He was here a second ago.
RYAN
Oh no! He ran off. He never runs
off!
NICKY
My slice is gone too!
INT. SHOPPING CENTRE - CONTINUOUS
An emotional Wilfred runs through the mall, knocking in to
people as he mows down Nicky's slice of pizza, face covered
in sauce.
WILFRED
(MOUTHFUL) Daddy's coming!
END OF ACT TWO

ACT THREE
INT. SHOPPING CENTRE -

FOOD COURT - DAY

Ryan jumps out of the seat.
RYAN
I have to find him!
NICKY
I'm coming with you.
RYAN
What about your job?
NICKY
Someone'll cover for me.
She gets up and grabs Ryan's hand. We can almost feel the
spark of attraction shoot through them.
RYAN
Let's go!
They run into the crowd.
RYAN (CONT'D)
Wilfred! Where are you boy?
NICKY
Wilfred!
RYAN
I think I know where he might be.
INT. SHOPPING CENTRE - PET STORE - MOMENTS LATER
Ryan runs in to the store with Nicky. He approaches the
CASHIER.
RYAN
Have you seen a dog?

CASHIER
(INDICATING THEY'RE IN A PET STORE)
You'll have to be a little more
specific, sir.
RYAN
I mean my dog, my guide dog. I mean
Wilfred!
CASHIER
Only dogs around here are the ones
in cages.
RYAN
Thanks. (TO NICKY) He got so upset
when we walked by earlier. I
thought he'd come back.
NICKY
Wow, you understand your dog on a
whole other level. It's, like...
Nicky takes off Ryan's sunglasses. She's totally smitten once
she sees Ryan's big, pathetic, doe-like eyes.
NICKY (CONT'D)
...amazing.
RYAN
(KILLING THE MOMENT) Wilfred does
have a terrible sense of direction.
INT. SHOPPING CENTRE - CONTINUOUS
Wilfred's slightly frenzied by now.
WILFRED
Where the bloody hell am I? (RETRACING STEPS) Left at the White
Spot, past the Cinn-a-buns and...
He's found himself right in front of a toy store.
WILFRED (CONT'D)
Crikey!
He spots many stuffed animals, and walzes right in to the
store.
INT. SHOPPING CENTRE - TOY STORE - MOMENTS LATER
Wilfred's in the stuffed animal aisle, crazed by the rows and
rows of new, soft and furry possibilities to hump.

WILFRED
(ADDRESSING STUFFED ANIMALS) Hello.
Hi. Hey.
He spies a big, black TEDDY BEAR.
WILFRED (CONT'D)
(CURIOUS) Ethnic?
He approaches nonchalantly.
INT. SHOPPING CENTRE - CONTINUOUS
Ryan runs through the mall holding Nicky's hand as she keeps
up behind.
RYAN
Wilfred! Wilfred!
NICKY
You're so full of love and passion!
RYAN
Uh, right...
She stops and pulls him into a corner. Pushes him against the
wall and starts to kiss him all over his face.
NICKY
I freakin' love you!
RYAN
(HALF KISSING BACK) What??
INT. SHOPPING CENTRE - TOY STORE - CONTINUOUS
Wilfred sweet talks the stuffed bear.
WILFRED
Is it true what they say? You know,
once you go black?
He listens to the answer...
WILFRED (CONT'D)
You're Spanish? (THEN) Eres muy
sexy. Vamos a continuar con la
relación sexual?
SUB-TITLES: You are very sexy. Shall we proceed with the
sexual intercourse?
He hears the answer he wants, then rips the teddy from the
shelf and starts to hump it right there in the aisle.

The Boy and Mom from before pop around the corner.
WILFRED (CONT'D)
(TO BOY AND MOM) No puede un hombre
conseguir un poco de privacidad?!
SUB-TITLES: Can't a guy get some privacy here?!
The mom covers the boys eyes as she walks him away.
Wilfred has the bear up against the shelf, each thrust
disrupting the other stuffed animals on the shelf. Some fall
on him. He stops.
WILFRED (CONT'D)
Orgy? (TO BLACK BEAR) You dirty,
rotten whore! (THEN) Te quiero!
SUB-TITLES: I love you!
He grabs the fallen stuffed animals and humps them too.
INT. SHOPPING CENTRE - CONTINUOUS
Ryan and Nicky make out like high schoolers. Ryan suddenly
becomes very self-conscious and pulls away.
RYAN
We should stop.
NICKY
Awww, why?
RYAN
Did you just say you loved me?
NICKY
(COY) No. C'mon...
She pulls him back out into the hall, now she leads him.
NICKY (CONT'D)
Wilfred! Wilfred!
INT. SHOPPING CENTRE - TOY STORE - CONTINUOUS
An exhausted Wilfred, lies on the floor in the aftermath of
his stuffed animal orgy. Stuffing and fur bits everywhere.
WILFRED
That was, a-fucking-mazing. (THEN)
But there was something I was
supposed to do...

He hears a crying BABY. Moments later it gets pushed past the
aisle in a stroller, by the same hot Milf we saw earlier.
Wilfred stares at the baby WAILING in the stroller. Then at
the Milf's incredible rack. His gaze is frozen as the baby's
cries ECHO in his ears. Then...
WILFRED (CONT'D)
Well, whatever it was, mustn't been
that important. (GETTING UP) Posse
out.
He brushes himself off.
WILFRED (CONT'D)
(TO STUFFED ANIMALS) I said, posse
out.
Nothing.
WILFRED (CONT’D)
You guys are weak.
He walks away, a feather and stuffing trail of carnage in his
wake.
STORE MANAGER (O.S.)
Who did this?!
Wilfred's casual walk becomes a sprint.
He's gone once the STORE MANAGER comes around the corner.
INT. SHOPPING CENTRE - DAY
Wilfred aimlessly jogs through the mall.
WILFRED
Ryan? Ryan!
VOICE (O.S.)
Wilfred!
He spins around to face us. Face drops.
INT. SHOPPING CENTRE - DAY
Ryan and Nicky still search, occasionally ducking into
corners for quick make-out sessions.
RYAN
This is getting out of hand. (THEN)
Wilfred! Where are you boy?

WILFRED (O.S.)
I'm here, Ryan.
Ryan turns around to find Wilfred...
And Amanda's with him!
AMANDA
Hey, Ryan. Look who I found!
WILFRED
(DEADPAN) Yay. Crazy bitch still
thinks I'm french.
AMANDA
(TO WILFRED, IN FRENCH) Je voudrais
faire plaisir avec votre caca.
SUB-TITLES: I would enjoy to make fun with your poo-poo.
WILFRED
Whoa, maybe I was wrong about her.
(OFF RYAN'S LOOK) I dated a french
poodle.
RYAN
Hey, Amanda. Weren't you...
WILFRED
At the macadamia farm? The crazy
box? Loony bin?
AMANDA
At a mental hospital? Yeah. But I
killed a guard and escaped.
Ryan's terrified. Nicky's confused, let's go of Ryan's hand.
AMANDA (CONT'D)
J K!
NICKY
Who is she?
AMANDA
(TO NICKY) Me? Who are you?
RYAN
Amanda, Nicky. Nicky, Amanda. (TO
NICKY) We used to, date.
AMANDA
Used to?

She runs up to Ryan and hugs him.
AMANDA (CONT'D)
Ryan's my boyfriend!
RYAN
No you're not. (TO NICKY) No she's
not.
Ryan tries to push Amanda off. Nicky grabs her.
NICKY
Hands off! He's mine!
Nicky and Amanda start fighting. Ryan backs off, weirded out,
but slightly excited about girls fighting over him.
A CROWD gathers.
WILFRED (O.S.)
Hey, hey everyone. Look at me!
RYAN
Wilfred...shit...
Wilfred's running around doing somersaults and tricks to get
everyone's attention.
Once Nicky and Amanda are distracted....
WILFRED
Now, Ryan! Go!
Ryan doesn't want to run off at first, but his good sense
kicks in and makes a break for it.
He runs away from the crowd. Turns a corner and stops to take
a breath.
Wilfred joins him a moment later.
RYAN
Thanks. Let's go home. (THEN) Wait,
where's the vase? Oh no!
He runs off toward the food court.
RYAN (CONT'D)
Let's go, Wilfred!
Wilfred chases after him, and runs right past the same pet
store.

WILFRED
Awww, look...
The puppies go apeshit when they see him again.
WILFRED (CONT’D)
...puppies.
He jogs off.
INT. SHOPPING CENTRE -

FOOD COURT - MOMENTS LATER

Ryan and Wilfred run up to the spot where he and Nicky sat
earlier. Amazingly, the vase is still there in the bag.
RYAN
Thank god! I can't believe it
wasn't stolen.
Wilfred's chowing down on a leftover half-eaten hot dog.
WILFRED
What's in the bag, mate?
Ryan picks the bag up, but the bottom has been soaked through
from a spilt soft drink. The paper splits, the vase falls out
and...
CUT TO:
INT. RYAN'S BASEMENT - THAT EVENING
Ryan's taking an extra long hit from the bong. Wilfred
impatiently waits for his turn.
WILFRED
C'mon, Ryan.
Ryan just looks at him, still inhaling. A new bag from the
vase store sits by the couch.
INT. SAME - LATER
Ryan's still not sharing the bong with Wilfred, who paces
behind the couch. He has an idea, quickly leaves.
He comes back a moment later with a dead squirrel in his
mouth. He drops it on the table in front of Ryan:
WILFRED
Rabies!
Ryan jumps back, giving Wilfred a chance, who snatches the
bong.

INT. SAME - LATER
Ryan and Wilfred passed out on the couch.
END OF ACT THREE
END OF SHOW