Written by Christopher Wilson

FADE IN: EXT. CITY - NIGHT An aerial shot of Sheffield is accompanied by a DRUM ROLL. ANNOUNCER (V.O.) Live from the BBC Studios in London, it’s Trueblood TV! And now, here are your hosts, Britain’s most loved couple: Jake and Amanda Trueblood! Grand, upbeat music plays as the shot spirals away to reveal: INT. STUDIO - NIGHT The studio set is gaudy, resembling a 1970’s variety show. The lights flicker enthusiastically as the door it is surrounding opens up, billowing out smoke. The audience cheers as the show’s two presenters step out of the smoke. They are JAKE TRUEBLOOD [45], a clean looking, slightly overweight man; and his wife AMANDA [43], whose plain looks and bleached blonde hair are hidden behind good make-up and hairdressing. They’re dressed smartly. They step forward to the microphones positioned at the centre of the stage. Although smiling, their expressions and subsequent dialogue are as forced as your typical awards ceremony banter. JAKE You know Amanda, it sure is great to be back for the fifth series of Trueblood TV. AMANDA It sure is, Jake. JAKE I think we should celebrate by-AMANDA Ah ah, I’m way ahead of you. I have asked Paul to read one of his poems to mark the occasion. Jake slaps his forehead. JAKE Not another poem!

2. AMANDA Take it away, Paul. The audience claps as PAUL [18] walks onto the stage. Paul is dressed in black with a self-important swagger about him. Walking to the microphone, he pulls out a cue card and lightly coughs. PAUL This is called ‘My Black Heart’. (reading the card) Tonight, my heart bleeds hatred. Pumping pain through my veins. I am the chosen one; Drowning in a sea of mediocrity. A CREAM PIE hits Paul in the face! The audience are in hysterics as Jake walks into the shot, smiling. Jake! What? AMANDA JAKE

For the punch line, Jake runs his finger through the cream on Paul’s face and licks it. As he does this, a repetitive BUZZING noise can be heard. Jake looks up towards the ceiling. JAKE Do you mind? We’re filming here! INT. BEDROOM - MORNING The buzzing sound is coming from Jake’s alarm clock. It reads “07:45”. In bed, Jake opens his eyes and shuts the alarm off. Sitting up, he stares at his surroundings: a small, bare bedroom, clearly contained within a cheap, terraced house. Jake sighs. INT. LIVING ROOM - MORNING The living room is also small, decorated with faded red carpet and white, bubbly wallpaper that is turning yellow with age. Amanda is sat on the settee doing paperwork.

3. Paul walks into the room from the kitchen, fully clothed despite it being so early in the morning. AMANDA You’re up early. PAUL I haven’t been to bed. I’ve been up all night trying to think of ideas for my Film coursework. AMANDA Why don’t you go brainstorm with Matt and Rob? PAUL I’m not working with them anymore. Turns out their minds are too simplistic to be inspired by the works of Stanley Kubrick and Peter Greenaway. Instead, they want to imitate... (with clenched teeth) Quentin Tarantino. Jake walks downstairs into the living room. AMANDA And why are you up early? It’s Saturday. JAKE Overtime. We haven’t done much work this week as people have been in righting some health and safety wrongs. AMANDA Oh yeah, there was a thing about it in the paper last night. JAKE Eight regulations we broke. Eight! How were we to know that cooling pies on the windowsill isn’t hygienic? AMANDA What time do you finish work? JAKE Two, I hope.

4. AMANDA When you come home, maybe you could help Paul with his course-Behind Jake, Paul is frantically shaking his head, mouthing ‘NO’, and making a few coughing noises. He ceases when his Dad turns around. PAUL Sorry. I’ve got... Tuberculosis. (beat) It’s made a comeback. Like rave. EXT./ESTAB. BOB’S PIES - DAY Just from the outside, it is easy to tell the factory is a hellhole. A few letters have fallen off the wall, labelling the building as “_OB’S PI_S”. INT. BOB’S PIES - DAY Wearing white overalls and a hat, Jake stands over a conveyor belt, observing pies as they move past him. After hearing a CLUNK, he looks upwards. Above, a MAN ON A LADDER adjusts a light fixture. The ladder is wobbly. Jake is approached by MICHAEL [36]. Michael is scruffy looking, with unshaven grey whiskers, and portions of his long hair sticking out of his hat. MICHAEL Now then, I wouldn’t get distracted if I were you. Bob’s on a rampage. JAKE He’s always on a rampage. I heard he went nuts last Christmas because the overheads of cooking a turkey were too much! MICHAEL I’m not kidding. He’s just fired Ed for going to the toilet. BOB (O.S.) What the hell are you doing?! Michael and Jake turn around. BOB [45], a fat, balding, sweaty man approaches TWO MEN wearing blue overalls.

5. They are at the fire exit door, trying to remove a vending machine blocking it. MAN We’ve got to move this, it’s blocking the fire exit. BOB Since moving the machine there, I have made thirty-five pounds more a week. And you health and safety pricks want to take that away from me?! MICHAEL (to Jake) I better get back to work. Catch you later. Bye. JAKE

Michael walks away. Jake goes back to staring blankly at the conveyor belt. Suddenly, there is a another, louder CLUNK. A light descends, smashing on the ground just six feet away from Jake. Watch out! MAN ON LADDER (O.S.)

Jake looks up. The Man grabs onto a hanging light as the ladder topples over, falling towards Jake. INT. BOB’S PIES (SECURITY ROOM) - CONTINUOUS The SECURITY GUARD [mid 40’s] is sat reading a newspaper, failing to watch the grainy CCTV footage on his monitor capture the moment the ladder falls on top of Jake. BLACK OUT.

FADE IN: EXT. BOB’S PIES (BACK OF FACTORY) - DAY JAKE’S P.O.V. - WAKING UP Jake’s vision is blurred. The first object to come into focus is Bob, who has a feigned smile on his face.

6. BOB You’re awake! Listen, big favour. The press are at the front of the building, seems they heard about your ‘accident’. Damn press, they used to love Bob’s Pies, oh yeah. But then that supermarket chain wanted to build a store on this site. Extra jobs and positive impact on the community, my arse! (recollects himself) Look, if you tell them the accident was all your fault, I’ll give you the same amount you’d get if you sued me for negligence. How does two-hundred pounds sound? BACK TO SCENE Jake’s forehead is bandaged up, his eyes glazed. He woozily turns to Bob. What? JAKE

EXT. BOB’S PIES (FRONT OF FACTORY) - DAY JAKE’S P.O.V. - THE PRESS Although Jake’s vision is still blurred, it is clear he is walking towards a JOURNALIST holding a Dictaphone. Jake looks to his left. Bob is stood beside him. BACK TO SCENE JOURNALIST Jake, I’m from the Pie Times. I’m sure you’ve seen copies of our newspaper in your staff room. BOB There is no staff room. JOURNALIST Oh. Well, can you tell me what happened in there? JAKE Me fall down stairs. Me go now. Jake staggers towards the gates.

7. BOB (to Journalist) You see? He’s just fine... EXT. STREET - DAY Wandering down the street in an unstable line, Jake bumps into a lamppost. He looks up and sees a CCTV camera attached to it. Staring at the camera’s lens, Jake is surprised when the camera follows him as he takes a step to the left. It follows him again when he steps to the right. Freeze! VOICE (O.S.)

Jake looks in the direction of the voice. The voice belongs to MATT [17], dressed in a badly-fitted suit. He has a toy gun in his hand, pointing it towards the ground at nothing. His friend ROB [17], also in a suit, is stood behind a camcorder that is positioned on a tripod. MATT (towards the ground) Tell me where the drugs are, you motherfu-ROB Cut! Matt, you can’t swear. Mister Kirk said so... MATT But we’re doing a Tarantino movie! The resulting argument between the two is inaudible as Jake stares at the camcorder pointing in his direction. EXT. HIGH STREET - DAY Jake bumps into PASSERS-BY as he roams down the street. An electronics shop grabs his attention. The window display has several cameras pointing to the outside. The display’s centrepiece is a large high-definition television, showing what the cameras are picking up: Jake. Jake takes a step back, eyes wide open.

8. Oh my God! JAKE

INT. DOCTOR’S ROOM - ONE WEEK LATER The room features normal objects you would expect to find in a doctor’s room, like medical charts, scales, and a ten year old computer. Jake and Amanda are sat at the desk. On the other side of the desk is DR. ROBERTS [mid 40’s], a bald man with spectacles. DR. ROBERTS What can I do for you two today? AMANDA Well, last week, Jake had an accident and took a bump to the head. He got checked out and there was no sign of concussion or anything. But since then, he’s been acting... A bit... Nuts. JAKE That’s right, try to deride me. Just because I know the big secret now. AMANDA After he performed a couple of ‘stunts’, we got him checked out again. Again, nothing. His behaviour is still strange and I don’t know what to do-JAKE Actually, can you wrap this up? These talky-scenes always kill my ratings. Pardon? DR. ROBERTS

AMANDA Let me explain... Jake thinks he’s in a TV show. Even worse, he’s causing havoc as it’s good for his ‘ratings’, or some shit like that. JAKE Amanda! Watershed!

9. DR. ROBERTS Jake? Can you go outside for a moment while I talk to your wife? JAKE Ah, keeping a plot twist from me? Gotcha! Jake stands up and leaves the room. DR. ROBERTS I know what’s wrong with Jake. You do? AMANDA

DR. ROBERTS His accident has triggered a midlife crisis. It is your husband who’s the actor, isn’t it? I seem to remember treating him for a prop related accident years ago. AMANDA Was an actor. He had to quit after Paul was born as the only role he could get was in ‘999’. You remember that show, right? No. DR. ROBERTS

AMANDA When we first met, Jake had dreams of becoming a light entertainment tour-de-force. Obviously, that never happened. DR. ROBERTS In my opinion, his failure has manifested into what he’s doing now. I’m not gonna prescribe anything for him, the effects of this should wear off in two to ten years. Years?! AMANDA

DR. ROBERTS That’s how long a mid-life crisis usually lasts.

10. Outside the room, glass SHATTERS. JAKE (O.S.) OH NO’S! That’s my new catchphrase, what do you think? Amanda groans. INT. LIVING ROOM - MORNING A couple of letters come through the letter box. Paul walks downstairs and picks them up. As he casually looks at the names of the envelopes, he heads back towards the stairs. Suddenly, a MAN WEARING A HORSE MASK bursts through from the kitchen. Paul SCREAMS, launching the letters into the air. The man takes off his mask to reveal Jake, laughing. PAUL What did you do that for? Ratings! JAKE

Jake goes back into the kitchen, still chuckling. Meanwhile, Amanda comes downstairs. Dressed for work, she adjusts an earring. PAUL Mum, you can’t leave me alone with Dad. I’ve got to finish my project. I can’t babysit him! AMANDA I’m sorry, Paul. I would stay home, but I used all my days off to watch the live feed of ‘I’m A Celebrity...’ There’s something gratifying about watching someone you hate eating kangaroo testicles. Whatever. PAUL

Paul grumpily goes upstairs. Amanda adjusts her hair in the mirror before going over to the coffee table. There are documents on it, mainly charts.

11. Amanda looks at her watch and panics after seeing the time. She shoves the documents into her bag, failing to spot one of the papers slip out of the pile and drift to the floor. Amanda exits the house. Jake re-enters the room. The first thing he sees is the piece of paper. He picks it up. The paper is a bar chart. The X axis indicates days, while the Y axis is untitled. The bars are progressively declining from left to right. Jake gasps. INT. PAUL’S ROOM - MORNING Paul’s room is messy, with an assortment of objects on the floor, and posters crookedly positioned on the wall. On Paul’s desk is a piece of upright cardboard with two plasticine men and a camcorder in front of it. Paul leans forward, concentrating as he ever so slightly moves one of the men’s arms. He starts to twist the head of the other one when: Paul! JAKE

Paul accidentally snaps the man’s head off thanks to the sudden noise. He grumbles loudly. Jake enters the room, clutching the piece of paper. What? PAUL

JAKE Are you busy? PAUL No, I was just failing Film Studies. JAKE Oh good, I need your help. My ratings have just come in. Look! He shoves the paper in front of Paul’s face.

12. PAUL (reading) “Economy Projections Through 2011”? JAKE That’s a code name. Can’t you see? My audience is leaving by the droves! PAUL I wonder why... JAKE I need your help. I need a big stunt that will make everyone love me again. PAUL I’m not working with you again. Remember when you were in my film last year? You demanded rewrites, told my friends you were once the Milkybar Kid, then claimed the Radio Times called you “John Barrowman without the gayness”. JAKE I know, I realise I was wrong. But right now, I need something anything - to become the world’s most watched TV show again. PAUL How about you try using subtext sometime? Beat. Jake tries to think while Paul looks at him pathetically. JAKE This isn’t an easy job-(snaps his fingers) That’s it! I’m going to quit my job! Riveting. PAUL

JAKE What if I quit my job in the most over the top way possible? Like rolling my boss up in some carpet and throwing him off a cliff?

13. PAUL Dad, that’s murder. JAKE Good point. Paul sighs. PAUL Look, whatever you do, can I film it? Seeing as somebody ruined my claymation masterpiece, I need to shoot something else. JAKE Oh, I get it. The producer wants a closer angle of my antics. PAUL What are you talking about? JAKE (pointing; breaking fourth wall) I’m onto you! PAUL That’s a mirror. From a different angle, it turns out Jake is pointing at a reflection of himself. Oh. JAKE

Jake walks out of the room, leaving Paul stood there, dumbfounded. INT. BOB’S PIES - DAY Michael is at his workstation. He slowly uses his rolling pin to flatten some dough on the work surface. As Michael carefully places the dough into a circular tray, he is approached by Bob. Bob doesn’t look pleased. BOB Michael, a word.

14. MICHAEL Something wrong? BOB I just counted how long it took you to flatten that dough: two minutes, fifty-three seconds! Add an extra minute to put the dough in the tray and cut off the excess - that’s nearly four minutes. You are aware how many pies a day you’ll make at that rate, right? No? MICHAEL

BOB One-hundred and twenty-seven pies! (pointing) Dave over there is doing the job in half the time. That’s double the pies, Michael! MICHAEL You know, in the time you’ve been moaning at me, I could’ve made two extra pies. BOB And you’ll come back after clocking off to make those two pies. Understood? Yes, Bob. MICHAEL

Before Bob can walk away, he and everyone in the factory freeze. They hear a weird sound - a tinny version of ‘Also Sprach Zarathustra’ (the theme from 2001: A Space Odyssey). INT. BOB’S PIES (SECURITY ROOM) - CONTINUOUS As barely seen on the grainy monitors: Jake, who appears to be dressed in a robe, and Paul burst into the factory area. Again, the guard fails to see this because he is reading a ‘PIE TIMES’ newspaper, which has the headline of: “BOB’S PIES TO BE INVESTIGATED”, subtitle: “HEALTH AND SAFETY IN UPROAR”.

15. INT. BOB’S PIES - CONTINUOUS Jake is definitely dressed in a robe: a dressing gown to be exact. He is also wearing a blonde wig. Jake leans over to Paul, who is holding a boom box over his left shoulder and a camcorder in his right hand. JAKE Elvis Presley’s entrance music... Nice touch! Paul groans and turns the boom box off using his one free index finger. He places it on the floor. BOB Jake! What the hell are you doing? Jake grabs a chair from nearby and stands on it. JAKE I’m here to tell you about my grand plan. You see, for the past fifteen years, I have been a loyal servant to Bob’s Pies. I thought I was happy, until that ladder fell on me a couple of weeks ago. BOB Stop making a scene! (to everyone else) Back to work! All of you! JAKE As I was saying-BOB I’m losing money by the second here. Jake, if you don’t get down from there this instant, I’ll, uh, fine you two-hundred pounds! JAKE Do what you like. My accident make me realise life’s too short. With that in mindJake removes his robe to reveal the words ‘I QUIT’ written and smudged on his chest in black ink. What?! BOB

16. JAKE Can’t you read? I quit! BOB You can’t quit! You’re fired! Oh yeah? JAKE

Jake picks up a pie from nearby and, similar to the opening sequence, blasts Bob in the face with it. With it being an uncooked steak and kidney pie, it splatters in a less spectacular fashion. The other factory employees stare in shock as Bob slowly turns around. When he does turn, Michael bursts out laughing. Michael tries to refrain himself when Bob gives him an icy look, but cannot. BOB Oh, shut up! Bob grabs a pie and smashes it in Michael’s face. Bob exhales a loud, dirty laugh; mocking and pointing at Michael. Michael picks up another pie, throwing it at Bob. Bob ducks, and it hits a random EMPLOYEE. This triggers off a factory-wide pie fight. Everyone takes cover, taking ammo with them on the way. The first pie thrown goes in Paul’s direction. P.O.V. - CAMCORDER The pie barely misses as Paul dives into the air, landing behind some boxes. BACK TO SCENE. Many pies go airborne and hit their targets. Throughout, virtually every employee is smiling and laughing. Apart from Bob. He storms over to an EMPLOYEE, who has a pie in his hand. Bob snatches it off him. BOB That is property of Bob’s Pies Limited, a subdivision of-Bob is hit on the back of the head with a pie, causing him to flop to the ground.

17. Meanwhile, Jake is behind Michael’s workstation. He looks around to see there are no “weapons” left. He sees Michael’s rolling pin resting on the work surface. Jake stands up, grabbing the rolling pin. JAKE The name’s Bond. Jake Bond. Jake pretends to shoot a couple of people - sound effects and all - before doing a sloppy commando roll. Taking cover where Paul is hiding, he remains in the shooting stance, pin pointing upwards. CLOSE UP - SECURITY CAMERA The camera has been mudded up by pie remains. INT. BOB’S PIES (SECURITY ROOM) - CONTINUOUS On the monitor, the pie has covered where the top of the rolling pin is. The Guard casually glances away from his newspaper to see Jake holding what looks like - thanks to the image quality - a gun. Oh my God! GUARD

Dropping the paper, he hurriedly picks up the telephone and dials ‘999’. INT. BOB’S PIES - MOMENTS LATER The pie fight is over. Everyone comes out of hiding, laughing and joking. Bob looks livid. BOB The next time any of you pull a stunt like that, I want you to remember one thing: Polish people are cheaper to hire. Bob storms away from the scene. Michael walks up to Jake, giving him a pat on the back. MICHAEL I’m sad to hear you’re going, pal. You got a new job or something?

18. JAKE I do: producer, director and writer of Trueblood TV - the number one show in the universe! Michael chuckles. He leans over to Paul. MICHAEL What’s he on about? Don’t ask. PAUL

MICHAEL (to Jake) Anyway, I guess this is a goodbye of sorts. JAKE It is... It is! (to Paul) Paul, have you got any sad songs on that boom box of yours? PAUL There’s a song called ‘Winter’s Death’ by Doll Bride Mask. They’re a Swedish power metal band, but the sad bit quickly turns into-JAKE Good, play that! Paul obtains the boom box. He presses the ‘SKIP’ button before pushing ‘PLAY’. Instantly, a sad sounding violin echoes through the factory. Jake gives a dramatic pose, and turns to Michael. Michael looks confused. JAKE Michael, we have been brothers since school. We’ve lived together, laughed together, cried together. But now, I’m entering a new stage in my life, going down a road I must travel alone. MICHAEL Are you on crack? Can I have some?

19. JAKE Sssshhhh! I know you’re scared, but now I must say goodbye. I must sacrifice myself from my comfort zone to achieve my goal-Jake’s speech comes to a crashing halt when the violin disappears into a cacophony of double bass drums, shredding guitars and unintelligible screaming. The interruption distracts Jake. JAKE Where was I? Bye? MICHAEL

JAKE Oh yes. Bye! Jake shakes Michael’s hand before turning to Paul. JAKE Come on, let’s go. As Jake walks away: MICHAEL (to himself) Crazy bastard! Jake and Paul walk over to the exit. Jake opens the door and steps outside. Suddenly, there is the sound of GUNFIRE! A bullet smashes through a window, causing everyone in the factory to PANIC. Jake runs back inside, slamming the door behind him shut. He walks to where the window has just been smashed and looks through it. JAKE’S P.O.V. - POLICE STANDOFF Outside, the police have the area barricaded with cars. There are A DOZEN POLICEMEN, holding guns that are pointed towards the factory. OH NO’S! JAKE

Jake brings his hands to his cheeks as a DRAMATIC MUSICAL STING plays. After the sting finishes:

20. PAUL No, that’s a crap catchphrase... INT. BOB’S PIES - MOMENTS LATER Jake and Paul are still stood near the window as the remainder of the workforce look on. Paul peers through the broken window. PAUL It looks like a standoff. POLICEMAN (O.S.) (on megaphone) Jake Trueblood, come out with your hands up! Michael appears through the crowd. MICHAEL You haven’t gone and robbed a bank have you, Jake? JAKE I found a fiver on the way her. Does that count? Bob enters the scene. BOB What the bloody hell is going on? MICHAEL Looks like the police want Jake. BOB (To Jake) What for? JAKE I don’t know, I swear! Bob gives out a low, deep laugh. BOB I see what’s going on here... Bob goes to the door and slams it open, sticking his head outside.

21. BOB (yelling at police) I get it! This is a setup to give Bob’s Pies a bad name. Well, let me tell you something, Bob’s Pies dies with me! A gun is fired. A bullet strays through another factory window, this time at a high angle. Everyone gasps. Bob closes the door and steps backwards. Turning around, he is shaking, his skin whiter than a ghost. BOB They shot at me. They shot at me... I’m off for a lay down. While Bob stumbles away from the scene in shock: MICHAEL Listen Jake, you’ve got to give yourself in, even if you’ve done nothing. The legal system’s alright, I’m sure you’ll clear yourself. Yeah, Dad. No. But why? PAUL JAKE PAUL

JAKE Just think about the ratings we’re doing right now. It’s not even the Christmas special! Oh dear. PAUL

JAKE What’s wrong? Are you scared? I realise as a secondary character, you might get killed off at any moment for dramatic effect. But come on! RATINGS! Beat.

22. PAUL Yep, got a title from my film now: “The Day Dad Went Mental”! POLICEMAN (O.S.) (on megaphone) Jake, I’ve got your wife here. She wants to talk to you. Jake looks out of the window. EXT. BOB’S PIES (FRONT OF FACTORY) - CONTINUOUS In the foreground, Amanda is stood by the POLICEMAN [mid 30’s]. The Policeman hands her the megaphone, which she puts to her lips. JaAMANDA

The high-pitched feedback from the megaphone causes Amanda to flinch. After the sound dies down, she raises the megaphone. AMANDA Jake, I... (moves megaphone away; to Policeman) I don’t know what to say. POLICEMAN Tell him something close to his heart. Something that’ll convince him to give up. Amanda raises the megaphone to her mouth again. AMANDA Jake! If you don’t come out right now, we’re getting a divorce! The Policeman forces the megaphone away from her mouth. POLICEMAN May I suggest something a bit less harsh? AMANDA How do you mean?

23. POLICEMAN Fight fire with fire. If you know why he’s doing this, talk to him on that level. Try to trivialise it. AMANDA But what do you say to a man who thinks he’s on a TV show? POLICEMAN I wouldn’t worry, we get that all the time. Really? AMANDA

POLICEMAN No! A man who thinks he’s on a TV show? What a bloody stupid idea! (coughs) Sorry. AMANDA (puts megaphone to mouth) Jake? It’s me. I know the past few weeks have been bad for you, and certain things have made you feel you’re some kind of failure. But at the end of the day, you can’t judge achievement by your career. You judge it by the mark you’ll leave behind when you’re gone... INT. BOB’S PIES - CONTINUOUS As the speech continues, Jake is watching Amanda through the window. Paul is busy filming Jake with his camcorder. AMANDA (CONT’D) ...What would you have left behind as a light entertainer, huh? Some bloopers for an outtakes show at best. But look at the mark you’ll leave as a husband and father. That is far greater. So please, drop this TV nonsense. Come out here and hold me! Jake wipes a tear from his eye. JAKE I’m coming Amanda!

24. P.O.V. - CAMCORDER Paul follows behind Jake, shaking the camera badly as he gives chase. Jake runs to the factory door, opens it and heads outside. EXT. BOB’S PIES (FRONT OF FACTORY) - CONTINUOUS CONTINUE P.O.V. Jake takes a few steps forward before he is tackled to the ground by a COUPLE OF POLICEMEN. One of them pins Jake and puts handcuffs on him while the other places his hand against Paul’s camera lens, causing everything to go to static. The static flickers before the scene switches to: INT. PAUL’S ROOM - DAY P.O.V. - CAMCORDER Paul reaches around the camcorder, adjusting its position. He then walks to his already positioned computer chair. He sits down and swivels so his back is turned. Paul turns around slowly to face the camcorder, looking more like a godawful Bond villain than the ‘cool’ figure he is trying to go for. PAUL After the situation you just saw, Dad was arrested on suspicion of carrying a firearm. But the matter was settled when a lawyer representing some supermarket chain offered to get him off the hook in exchange for details of Bob’s Pies’ seedy history. Soon as Bob found out, he fired all his employees and sold up. So if Matt happens to be in my presentation group, that’s why your Dad can’t afford to take you on holiday this year. Sorry about that. Meanwhile, my Dad still thinks he’s on a television show. Mum says she will-Paul trips over his last couple of words. He starts to wag his tongue around his mouth, verbalising random sounds.

25. PAUL (mumbling) Mum says she will... She will... Will... She’s going to... Paul coughs and looks at the camera. PAUL Take two. Action! (beat) After the situation you just saw, Dad was arrested on suspicion of carrying a firearm... INT. LIVING ROOM - ONE WEEK LATER Jake is sat on the settee watching television. MICHAEL BUERK (O.S.) (on television) Nigel was in trouble. It had been fifteen minutes since the car crash, and he was losing more blood by the second. NIGEL (O.S.) (on television) It were awful. I had no mobile or nothing. Though it’s not like I could use it... ANGLE - TELEVISION On the screen, Jake is in a field, screaming and running around frantically as blood gushes out of his ‘missing’ arms. The bottom right of the screen says: ‘RECONSTRUCTION’. BACK TO SCENE. MICHAEL BUERK (O.S.) (on television) Thankfully, a local shepherd had seen the accident and called the emergency services. Amanda walks into the room. She keeps her eye on what’s on the television while sitting down next to Jake. Jake pauses the television. AMANDA Jake, I know we’ve--

26. JAKE I know where this is heading, and I want to apologise. The past few weeks have been messed up, what with the accident and the police. Oh, and how our sex has been crap since I complied with OFCOM guidelines. But looking back, I realise my head was in the wrong place. AMANDA Yes, it was. JAKE I realise now that Trueblood TV is not a thing for the mainstream. It’s a cult show instead! AMANDA What? You still think you’re in a TV show?! JAKE Let me finish. It’s a cult show as there’s only three people who can truly enjoy the experience of being in this family - me, you, and Paul. Well, I don’t think Paul actually enjoys it, it’s not post-modern enough for him. My point is, I may want a career as a light entertainer, but no matter if I fail or succeed, I will always have you guys. AMANDA That’s great to hear. At least we’re back to normal now. JAKE Except I don’t have a job. True but-AMANDA

JAKE And Paul failed his course as he forgot to put a tape in the camera. AMANDA Well yeah, but--

27. JAKE And thanks to three ‘doctors’, I have multiple concussions. AMANDA Okay Jake! Not totally back to normal, I get it. Amanda stands up and heads towards the front door. JAKE Where are you going? AMANDA I’m going to the shop to get dinner. Do you want anything? JAKE No. But when you come back, maybe we should go to our room and break a few OFCOM guidelines? Amanda blushes. AMANDA Sure. I’ll see you soon... Amanda opens the door and exits the house. Jake presses a button on the remote control and the television starts playing ‘999’ again. NIGEL (on television) I’m so grateful for the emergency services. I may have lost my arms, but if it weren’t for them, I would’ve lost my life. ANGLE - TELEVISION Jake is on a stretcher, wrapped in blankets. Several AMBULANCE MEN carry him into the back of the ambulance. The last shot is of Jake giving a faint smile. BACK TO SCENE. Jake presses the ‘EJECT’ button on the remote control. The DVD player opens, revealing a DVD labelled ‘999 EPISODE’. Jake retrieves the disc.

28. Going to the mirror, he takes a look at himself before he heads to the bin located just inside the kitchen. He opens the bin and drops the DVD inside it. Jake sighs. FADE OUT. THE END