TRIPLETS

"Pilot"
Written by Rodney Ohebsion

Copyright 2017
INT. APARTMENT (DEN) - DAY
XANDER, SAVANNAH, and MADELYN (10, non-identical triplets)
are watching TV.

NARRATOR (ON TV)
The Biography Network is
celebrating black history month all
day. Not all month, though. I mean,
not to sound racist or anything,
but if we were to show biographies
of black people all month, our
ratings would go down a lot, and
we’d be replaced with the Real
Housewives Network. You’d like
that, wouldn’t you?

XANDER
Maybe.
NARRATOR (ON TV)
’Cause you’re an idiot!

XANDER
Maybe.
NARRATOR (ON TV)
Anyways, next up is our biography
of Martin Luther King.

Intro music.
NARRATOR 2 (ON TV)
Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. led the
Civil Rights movement...

Cut to later. Xander, Madelyn, and Savannah are still
watching TV.
NARRATOR (ON TV)
Next up is our biography of Barack
Obama.
Intro music.
NARRATOR 2 (ON TV)
Barack Obama is America’s first
African American President...
Cut to later. Xander and Madelyn are watching TV.
2.

NARRATOR (ON TV)
Next up is our biography of Jackie
Robinson.
Intro music.

NARRATOR 2 (ON TV)
Jackie Robinson is the first
African American to play Major
League Baseball...

Cut to later. Xander is watching TV.
NARRATOR (ON TV)
Next up is our biography of Kim
Kardashian.

Intro music.
NARRATOR 2 (ON TV)
Kim Kardashian is the first woman
to marry African American hip hop
artist Kanye West.

Xander changes the channel.
ANNOUNCER (ON TV)
You’re watching the E! Network.
Here’s a two hour documentary on
Kim Kardashian and her waxing lady.

INT. APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM / KITCHENETTE - DAY) - DAY
Savannah and Madelyn are seated. PHIL (40) is sitting on
another sofa. CHELSEA (40) is in the kitchen.
SAVANNAH
(to Chelsea)
Let’s play Real Housewives. I’ll
start. You’re a dumb bitch!

MADELYN
This game is stupid, and I refuse
to play it.

SAVANNAH
You refuse to play it, because
you’re a dumb bitch!
MADELYN
Or maybe you want to play it,
because you’re a dumb bitch.
3.

CHELSEA
Girls--stop calling each other dumb
bitches.

SAVANNAH
We’re playing Real Housewives.
CHELSEA
I want to play, too. ... You stole
my man, you dumb bitch!
PHIL
Hey. I think I’ve heard enough of
all that. Savannah, Madelyn--why
don’t you find a nice, wholesome
activity or something?
SAVANNAH
Like what?
PHIL
I don’t know. Read a fucking book.
Xander enters.
XANDER
Guys. I’ve finally figured out what
I want to do for a living.
CHELSEA
Great. Let’s do a betting pool.
SAVANNAH
(takes a $20 bill out of her
pocket)
Put me down for 20 on Cuban cigar
roller.

CHELSEA
I got five dollars on cottage
cheese manufacturer.
XANDER
I’ll put 10 on political pundit.

PHIL
You want to be a political pundit?
XANDER
No. I want to be a waxing man. So I
guess I lost the bet. Man! I really
thought it was gonna be political
pundit. But I guess it was waxing
man.
4.

PHIL
What the hell is a waxing man?
SAVANNAH
I think I know. It’s a a guy who,
um, sings songs and waxes cars. Wax
sing man.
MADELYN
Uh. Savannah. That’s obviously not
what he meant. He meant he’s gonna
be a man who lives in the city of
Wah-xing, China.
PHIL
Wah-xing China?

MADELYN
Wah-xing is located 23 miles
northwest of Beijing.
XANDER
Um. News flash, Madelyn. That’s not
what I meant when I said waxing
man. I’ve never even heard of the
city of Wah-xing. Or Beijing. And
I’m not 100% sure what China is.
MADELYN
Well then what did you mean by
waxing man?
XANDER
I meant, I want to be a man who
uses wax to remove body hair from
Kim Kardashian and/or other people.
Waxing man.
PHIL
Xander--there’s no such thing as a
waxing man. There’s a waxing lady.
She’s a middle aged Vietnamese
woman, and not a 10 year old boy.
XANDER
Oh yeah?! Exhibit A: Jackie
Robinson.

CHELSEA
Jackie Robinson was a middle aged
Vietnamese lady?
5.

XANDER
Jackie Robinson was the first black
player in Major League Baseball.
PHIL
Yeah. So what’s your point?
XANDER
My point is, I’m gonna be the
first 10 year old boy in Major
League Waxing.

PHIL
Or better yet, how about you go
outside and play with dirt, the way
a ten year old boy is supposed to!

XANDER
That’s exactly what they said to
Jackie Robinson when he tried to
join the Major Leagues.
MADELYN
I’m gonna have to question the
veracity of that statement.
XANDER
Well. I didn’t mean it straight up.
It’s one of those, um, you know,
metaphorical thingies.
MADELYN
You mean a metaphor?

XANDER
Yeah. A metaphor.
CHELSEA
There will be no metaphor usage in
this household, young man! We only
use literals around here.
PHIL
(to Xander)
Yeah, Xander. Listen to your
mother. OK? No metaphors. And no
waxing. Now go eat some chicken.
(hands Xander some coupons)
Here are some FKC coupons. This is
a good deal. You buy one piece of
chicken, you get 25 pieces free.
6.

SAVANNAH
Dad. Where do you keep on getting
all these good chicken coupons? I
mean, we’ve been eating discount
chicken all month.

PHIL
Your mother keeps giving me these
coupons.
SAVANNAH
Mom. Where do you get all these
coupons?
CHELSEA
Let’s just say I know a guy.
Capiche?

INT. FKC CHICKEN RESTAURANT - DAY
Xander, Savannah, and Madelyn are in line, behind a WOMAN
(35) standing across from a CASHIER.

WOMAN
I’ll have one chicken breast. I’m
on a diet.
CASHIER
OK. And would you like mashed
potatoes, baked beans, biscuits,
and gravy with that?
WOMAN
Yes.

XANDER
And would you like your legs waxed
with that?

WOMAN
Excuse me?
MADELYN
Uh. He’s just doing some research
on the city of Wah-xing, China.

XANDER
(to Woman)
How about a Brazilian wax? Would
you like a Brazilian wax?
7.

SAVANNAH
(to Woman)
He’s also doing research on, um,
like, the wax that Brazilian people
use when they make candles.

XANDER
No I’m not! I want to wax this
woman’s body. I want to wax this
woman’s body in a Brazilian manner!
That’s what I meant by "Brazilian
wax."

CASHIER
Young man--FKC is a family
establishment. There’s no Brazilian
waxing allowed in here. You come in
here, you eat chicken, you don’t
wax anyone, and then you go home.
XANDER
That’s literally exactly what they
said to Jackie Robinson.

CASHIER
I don’t think it is.
XANDER
I was being metaphorical!

EXT. STREET- DAY
The triplets are walking.

XANDER
Savannah. How much money has my
waxing service made so far?
SAVANNAH
Um. No money.

XANDER
Well. Um. Let me get a second
opinion. Madelyn. How much money
has my wax...

MADELYN
You haven’t made any money, Xander!
Because you haven’t waxed anyone
yet!
8.

XANDER
Right. Yeah. I need to find a way
to get clients for my waxing
service. Maybe I should ask Jimmy
the Clown for some tips.
MADELYN
Maybe you should ask anyone but
Jimmy The Clown for some tips.
Literally anyone.
XANDER
Let me get a second opinion on
that. Savannah--should I consult
with Jimmy the Clown.

SAVANNAH
Well. I guess. I mean, he’s
standing right there.
JIMMY THE CLOWN (40, in clown uniform) is standing on the
sidewalk near them.
XANDER
Jimmy the Clown.
JIMMY THE CLOWN
Hey. If it isn’t the triplets. How
you doing, triplets?
XANDER
Well. I need some advice.

JIMMY THE CLOWN
Which one of you said that? I can’t
tell, since you’re triplets.
SAVANNAH
We’re not identical triplets.
MADELYN
Not to mention the fact that you
can tell which one of us is
talking, by looking at us to see
which person’s mouth is moving.
XANDER
Let’s focus here, people. I need
advice.

JIMMY THE CLOWN
OK. Um. Let’s see. My advice to
you, is, um, don’t buy Chinese
toothpaste at the 99 Cent Store.
9.

XANDER
I meant business advice.I need
business advice.
JIMMY THE CLOWN
Um. Don’t sell drugs outside of the
99 Cent Store. That’s good business
advice.
XANDER
How can I get people to pay me $5
to wax their legs?
JIMMY THE CLOWN
Excellent question. Well. Um. Let’s
see. Steve Jobs.

MADELYN
What about him?
JIMMY THE CLOWN
Oh. Uh. I was hoping you guys would
know what about him. Well. Let me
think.
(drinks half a bottle of
whiskey)
Hm. Well. What you might want to do
is find out how Steve Jobs got
people to pay $800 for an iPhone.
And then do something like that.
And then put a hot tub in your
home--but instead of heating it,
fill it with bags of ice. that’s
how you keep the gold-digging
whores away from you.

XANDER
Good idea.
SAVANNAH
Except for maybe that last part
about ice in a hot tub.

INT. APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM) - DAY
Madelyn is reading a book. Savannah and Xander are siting
next to her.
SAVANNAH
I don’t get the point of reading
books.
10.

MADELYN
Well. I mean, Thomas Edison and
Isaac Newton read thousands of
books.

SAVANNAH
They sound kind of nerdy. Did they
sit at the cool table at lunch when
they were in high school?
MADELYN
Probably not.
XANDER
Tell me about Steve Jobs.
MADELYN
I still don’t get why I’m the one
reading this Steve Jobs biography.
If you want to know about Steve
Jobs, why don’t you read about him?
XANDER
Because we’re partners. You’re the
one who does all the nerdy stuff,
and I’m the one who handles leg
waxing.
SAVANNAH
And what do I handle?
XANDER
Um. Debt collection. If anyone
doesn’t pay us the money they owe
us, you kick their ass.

SAVANNAH
I’ll do you one better! Even if
they do pay us the money, I’ll
still kick their ass.

INT. CAFETERIA
Savannah, Madelyn, JESSIE (10), JENNA (10), and a few other
GIRLS are seated at a table. Xander walks up to them.

XANDER
Good afternoon, ladies.
JESSIE
What do you want, Xander?
11.

XANDER
Have you heard of the iPhone 7?
JESSIE
Yes.

XANDER
Well. Let me ask you something.
What would be better than the
iPhone 7?

JESSIE
The iPhone 8.
XANDER
... What else would be better than
the iPhone 7?

JESSIE
The iPhone 9.
XANDER
You’re focusing too much on numbers
right now. What could be better
than the iPhone 7?
JESSIE
What?

XANDER
The iWax 7. As in, I will wax your
legs for $7.
JENNA
Ten year old boys don’t wax
people’s legs.
XANDER
Oh. And I suppose you also think
black people shouldn’t play
baseball.
JENNA
What the hell are you talking
about?

XANDER
That’s it! I’m gonna do a bus
boycott!
MADELYN
That’s not how you do business,
Xander.
12.

SAVANNAH
When do we get to the part where I
kick someone ass?!

INT. CLASSROOM - DAY
Chelsea is seated across from MRS. ANDERSON (50).

MRS. ANDERSON
Thanks for coming in. I called you
in here because at lunch
today, Xander was offering to wax
the legs of his female classmates.

CHELSEA
I see. So, I guess you’re gonna
skip him ahead one grade.
MRS. ANDERSON
Uh. No. I just figured that maybe
he should, like, not try to wax
girls’ legs.
CHELSEA
Well. You have some very unorthodox
views on education Mrs. Anderson,
you dumb bitch! Your educational
views are kind of pissing me off. I
think I might have to call my
husband, and tell him to kick your
husband’s ass.

MRS. ANDERSON
Well. I think I might have to call
my husband, and tell his to kick
your husband’s ass.

INT. CAGEFIGHTING ARENA - NIGHT
The triplets and Chelsea are seated in an audience of
hundreds.
SAVANNAH
Mom. Is dad a UFC fighter now?
CHELSEA
No. He’s just having one cagefight,
over a disagreement between between
me and your teacher. By the
way--your teacher is a dumb bitch.
Phil and a MR. ANDERSON (50) are in the ring.
13.

PHIL
Maybe this’ll teach you not to let
your wife disagree with my wife
over whether my son should offer to
wax the legs of the girls in his
class.
MR. ANDERSON
So you’re saying you want your son
to be a leg waxer?

PHIL
How dare you say that?! Ain’t no
son of mine gonna work as a fucking
leg waxer! My son is gonna play in
dirt, the way ten year old boys are
supposed to. You better not say
anything else about how my son
should wax legs!
MR. ANDERSON
Um. I’m not 100% sure what we’re
arguing about right now.

SAVANNAH
(calls out to them)
Less talking! More fighting!
PHIL
Good point, honey.
Phil and Mr. Anderson begin fighting. RONDA ROUSEY enters
the ring.

PHIL
Ronda Roussey? What the hell are
you doing here?
RONDA ROUSSEY
I’m cagefighting to support male
leg waxers. In fact, I think leg
waxing is a job that should only be
for males. That’s why I force all
of my boyfriends to wax legs. And
pick up my laundry. And cook me
meals.

She attacks Phil.
14.

INT. APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM) - DAY
Phil is seated on a sofa, icing his forehead.
Madelyn is reading a book, while Xander, Savannah, and
Chelsea sit nearby.

XANDER
(to Madelyn)
What else does the book say?
Did Steve Jobs mention anything
specific about leg waxing?
PHIL
Xander. Will you shut up with all
that leg waxing bullshit?

XANDER
But you’re the one who cagefought
for my right to wax legs.
PHIL
I cagefought, because nobody has
the right to tell you not to wax
legs. Except for me. I have that
right.
XANDER
Dad. Right now it kind of sounds
like you support segregation, and
you want to start a Negro Baseball
League.
PHIL
I give up. Wax whatever the hell
you want to wax, Xander.
SAVANNAH
Another victory for civil rights!
We shall overcome / We shall
overcome.
XANDER
Absolutely.
CHELSEA
Phil. Can I borrow that bag of ice
for a second? I need to make some
iced tea.
PHIL
Um. How about you go online, and
check the recipe for iced tea? I’m
(MORE)
15.

PHIL (cont’d)
pretty sure one of the ingredients
isn’t a bag of ice that someone
used to ice their head.

CHELSEA
Oh. Good point, Phil.
XANDER
I was just thinking. Maybe i need
to, like, change my business
strategy. Instead of copying Apple,
I’ll copy the second most valuable
company in the world.
SAVANNAH
Hello Kitty?

XANDER
No. Waffle House.
MADELYN
Waffle House isn’t the second most
valuable company in the world.
ExxonMobil is.
XANDER
Um. OK. ExxonMobil.

INT. SCHOOL CAFETERIA - DAY
Xander walks up to the girl’s table. He’s holding a
squeegee.

XANDER
Good afternoon, ladies.
JESSIE
What do you want now, Xander? Why
are you holding a squeegee?

XANDER
I’m glad you asked that, Jessie.
I’m proud to announce the opening
of my new WaxxonMobil location.

JENNA
What’s WaxxonMobil?
XANDER
It’s like ExxonMobil--only we wax
legs instead of selling gas. And
(MORE)
16.

XANDER (cont’d)
like ExxonMobil, we have a
squeegee.

JENNA
That’s great. Why don’t you take
your squeegee and shove it up your
ass?

XANDER
Are you saying you want to make a
3:30 leg waxing appointment with
me?
JENNA
No.

INT. APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM) - DAY
Phil is shadow-kickboxing. Chelsea enters.

CHELSEA
Um. Did the school complain again
about Xander’s leg waxing business?
PHIL
No.
CHELSEA
Then why are you still training?
PHIL
Because I’m gonna fight Ronda
Roussey next week.
CHELSEA
I see. ... Why are you gonna fight
Ronda Roussey next week?
PHIL
I don’t know. I guess that’s what I
do for a living.

CHELSEA
I’m pretty sure you plumb for a
living. You’re a plumber. Remember,
Phil?
PHIL
Oh yeah. Plumber. No wonder Bob
Johnson asked me to fix his toilet
yesterday.
17.

CHELSEA
Did you fix his toilet?
PHIL
No. I put him in a rear naked
chokehold. Which is exactly what
I’m gonna do to Ronda Roussey on
Saturday.
He continues training.

INT. APARTMENT (DEN) - DAY
Savannah and Madelyn are sitting and watching TV. Xander
enters.

XANDER
You’re never gonna believe this!
Jackie Robinson! He told me to
build a waxing salon.
SAVANNAH
I didn’t know he was still alive.
XANDER
He’s not. It was his ghost.
MADELYN
Are you sure it wasn’t just someone
wearing a white sheet over his
head?
SAVANNAH
Don’t be ridiculous, Madelyn.
Jackie Robinson is black. Black
people don’t wear white sheets over
their heads.
XANDER
Listen. I heard Jackie Robinson’s
voice say, "If you build it, they
will come." That’s what he told
me. "If you build it, they will
come." And I’m pretty sure that
when he said "it, he meant a waxing
salon. And when he said "they," he
meant women who want their legs
waxed.
SAVANNAH
Or, like, um, maybe he meant that
if you build the Great Wall of
(MORE)
18.

SAVANNAH (cont’d)
China, the real housewives of
Atlanta will come.
XANDER
Jackie Robinson was very specific.
He said "it" and "they." As in
"waxing salon" and "women."
MADELYN
A salon costs about $200,000 to
build.
XANDER
When Jackie Robinson said "it," he
meant a waxing stand on the street.

SAVANNAH
Yeah. A stand. You know what? I’m
gonna set up some kind of stand,
too.
MADELYN
Me, too.

EXT. STREET - DAY
Savannah is sitting behind a lemonade stand. Madelyn is
sitting behind some sort of nuclear energy stand. Xander is
sitting behind a leg waxing stand.
A MAN (40) is walking on the sidewalk. He reaches the three
stands and begins walking by them.

SAVANNAH
Sir. Would you like some lemonade?
MAN
I’m allergic to lemons.

MADELYN
Well. Would you like me to build
you a nuclear reactor?
MAN
I’m allergic to plutonium.
XANDER
Would you like a Brazilian wax?
19.

MAN
Hell no.
XANDER
Why? Are you allergic to Brazilian
waxes?

MAN
... I’m gonna go now.
He walks away.

A WOMAN (45) walks by the stands in the opposite direction.
XANDER
You’re pretty.

WOMAN
Oh. Well. Thank you, young man.
XANDER
You’re really pretty. Except, it
looks like you could use a
Brazilian wax. Shall I get started?
WOMAN
Um. ... I’m gonna go now.
She walks away.

XANDER
(to Madelyn and Savannah)
That’s weird. Jackie Robinson’s
plan isn’t working.

SAVANNAH
It’s working fine for me. I built a
lemonade stand--and I’ve already
gone through two pitchers of
lemonade.

MADELYN
You drank one of them, and Xander
drank the other one.
SAVANNAH
Which is good. We got our
recommended daily allowance of
vitamin C.
JACKIE ROBINSON walks up to Madelyn.
20.

JACKIE ROBINSON
Hi. I’m Jackie Robinson. I’m
looking for someone who’s said my
name 20 times today.

MADELYN
That would be my brother. He
operates the leg waxing
establishment next door.
XANDER
Jackie Robinson?
JACKIE ROBINSON
Yeah.
XANDER
Um. Do you want your legs waxed?
JACKIE ROBINSON
I don’t think so. I’m just here
because whenever someone says my
name 20 times, my ghost appears.
So. Here I am.
XANDER
Oh. I see. Well. Here’s my waxing
stand. The one you told me to build
yesterday.

JACKIE ROBINSON
What? I didn’t tell you to build a
waxing stand.

XANDER
I’m pretty sure you did.
JACKIE ROBINSON
I’m pretty sure I didn’t.

XANDER
How sure are you that you didn’t?
JACKIE ROBINSON
100%. How sure are you that I did?

XANDER
0%.
MADELYN
0%?
21.

XANDER
Well. I might’ve made up the whole
incident where Jackie Robinson’s
ghost appeared to me. It’s just, I
want to be the 10 year old boy leg
waxing version of Jackie Robinson.
JACKIE ROBINSON
That’s, uh, an interesting goal. I
guess you really love waxing legs,
the way I love baseball.

XANDER
I don’t know. I’ve never waxed legs
before.
JACKIE ROBINSON
Well. Go ahead and wax my legs.
Jackie Robinson pulls up his pants legs. Xander waxes Jackie
Robinson’s legs for ten seconds.
XANDER
You know what? The Kardashian show
made leg waxing seem fun and
glamorous. But now that I’ve tried
it, I’m not so sure it is that fun
and glamorous.

MADELYN
Very interesting. This is just like
the opposite of Green Eggs and Ham.
Jimmy the Clown is now standing near everyone.

JIMMY THE CLOWN
How so?
MADELYN
In that book, the boy stated that
he didn’t like green eggs and ham.
But then he tried them, and he
liked them. As for Xander, he
pursued a career in leg waxing. But
then he tried waxing legs, and
discovered he didn’t like it.

XANDER
I hear you loud and clear, Madelyn.
You’re saying I should write a book
called Green Wax and Ham.
22.

MADELYN
I don’t think that’s what I’m
saying.
XANDER
How sure are you?
MADELYN
100% sure.
XANDER
Well. I guess you’re not
saying I should write a book called
Green Wax and Ham. But maybe I’m
saying it.
SAVANNAH
Ne, too.
JACKIE ROBINSON
Me, too.
JIMMY THE CLOWN
Me, too. Green wax sounds
delicious.
XANDER
Well. I guess that settles it. I
mean, everyone knows that any time
a clown and Jackie Robinson agree
on something, that means they’re
right.
MADELYN
Everybody doesn’t know that. No one
knows that.
Phil walks up to them. He looks at Jackie Robinson and the
three stands.
PHIL
Uh. What the hell is going on here?

INT. APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM) - DAY
Xander, Savannah, and Madelyn are seated.

XANDER
OK, Madelyn. Write the book Green
Wax and Ham.
23.

MADELYN
It’s your book. Why would I write
it?
XANDER
How many times do we have to go
over this? You handle the nerdy
stuff, and I handle the other
stuff.
THE END