We are all aware that the world society, the way of life, have changed in a very , very fast

. Our lifestyles, for various reasons, have been forced to adapt to n ew times, to globalization, but there are areas in ourselves that we are not awa re that we have to upgrade to discharge properly the role of parenting. Protect, feed, set limits, protect, educate, provide security, authority. These elements usually come attributed to the father, but in our clinical experience we realiz e they are being equally affected by the lack of update to the new times. When y ou think of the maternal role is more closely identified with the containment, c omfort, protection, but also perhaps the most intimate of biological needs first and gradually the others. However, as I said before, the role of the father see ms to be focused more to the security of family life against the outside world, features more rational than purely emotional. But again, everything has changed very quickly and it seems that time has not given us as parents to evolve in the treatment of the subject relational with our children, or at least reach a leve l of flexibility in our values about theirs. As in the relationship, in parent-c hild also may develop a few areas of conflict that is interesting and should be taken into account so they can be working and influence the most is making the r elationship is totally destabilizing. It is a pattern often repeated constantly and immerses us in a sea of contradictions that makes the relationship in a real battle clearly unequal and unfair. The most common areas of divergence include: - Philosophy of life (different scale of values) - Demonstrations of love and a ffection - Communication - Leisure - Friends The symptoms of children, we begin with our Therapy Relational, often emerge from somewhat dysfunctional in the hou sehold and this applies to parents but not always they are willing to clarify an d deal directly with situations that cause them and hence the search for solutio ns. As they say M. Alvarez and E. Maggio, both the child's father because she ne eded to form the idea of what a man, overcoming feelings from the relationship w ith his father's relationship with her husband and her daughter, the father need to actively set standards his life. This is true but there are ways to do that will be positive or negative depending on the parenting style we choose to do so . Some authors point to three basic styles of parenting: - Authoritarian. - Perm issive. - Democratic or authoritative In our experience, the most destructive, b ut not the only, the more chaos that brings to life a budding boy or a girl who must live each stage to maturity conveniently, is the first: authoritarian fathe r. We also realize that in most cases the father does so in a been unconscious for a number of "disadvantages" of his own life that make you r epeat educational models past, with all good intentions, but unfortunately today is not operational or valid. They are responsible for the future of a human bei ng and are not able to recycle their "mental hard drives and they cost a lot to change the chip to capture the new realities that we have taken up unprepared an d almost without realizing it. Sometimes we find that you can give a projection of our identity to that of our child as if it were an extension of our no note t hat it is a different person to me and with his own identity and value system wh ich I help to form, but according to a new and broader criteria filled with posi tive reinforcement. Perhaps our objectives, our parents and our grandparents, in essence, have many similarities and do not have to turn away from them, but, as experience shows, what is the method fails us, how to put implement all the att itudes and skills to achieve those objectives and educational trainers as needed to raise healthy responsible adult and that guy who almost certainly want all o ur soul. In our excessive desire that our daughter, for example, "Be a good woma n," try to control their behavior without thinking that I am authoritarian, but rather the opposite: I want the best for her and learn that life is full of haza rds that are known to care. The only way, then, because she "knows nothing" is a s I said, trying to control the behavior and attitudes and make them conform to a standard of conduct.€"Authoritarianism means imposing inflexible rules and di scipline without taking into account the age of our offspring, their personal ch aracteristics and circumstances, specific and individual. The authoritarian pare nt values and demands unquestioning obedience and often punish their children st rongly act against its own particular set of values which is the only valid. The

father who uses this style is usually characterized by being absorbent and the focus of the daughter in itself produce, sometimes without realizing it, individ uals dominated by law authority and order, concealed in children's initiative an d creation, and everything that involves change or violate these basic principle s he believes are to be respected at all costs. " (E. Maggio) We are talking abo ut people who tend to have rigid patterns of behavior and the most negative effe ct is that they are able to take into account the needs of their children or the ir peers, even to punishment without giving any explanation for reasons that hav e not been met so and so. In our Family Orientation sessions try to work with th ese people's feelings and emotions, but very hard to surface in this form of exe rcise paternity, these issues, not because they do not own or do not feel them b ut because it has a disability, usually unconscious, and can not connect with "h is little heart," and therefore are not able to connect with their children from another location other than the punishment, the cry, bad eyes, creating a world rich nonverbal communication that creates a general malaise for the message to be perceived. What is the result of this situation is sometimes more than we wou ld wish, sustained in time for many years? It causes a blockage of individuality , creativity and being rich and fresh interior that every child within. If love is absent and is constantly critical attitude, that being who is trying to matur e receives messages that do not do anything right and his low self-esteem a lot worse. The pressure exerted on them can lead to insecurity, fear, hatred, under school performance, and a reaction of hyperactivity and disobedience. They may w ithdraw, become aggressive, hostile and, especially in girls, passive, withdrawn , irritable, insecure and socially inept. We try to see that all that is the beh avior of each of the members of the family system affects the rest and attitudes of children are the result of living within nuclear and extended domestic. So, go and try to refresh and learn to be parents, the office or one of the world's toughest jobs bordering on an art and therefore it is difficult and hard. We are human and make mistakes because nobody is perfect, but nothing is ever lost if one is willing to make the changes needed to know that we achieve the balance de sired. Blame gets us nowhere and if we go into this dynamic and dispel us where we do not really want. Courage, worth all the effort you are all willing to do! JUAN JOSE LOPEZ NICOLAS. Family Counselor. Article on page THERAPY AND FAMILY Fa mily Harmony Association